aguidetobreakdownsandbreakups
a guide to breakdowns and breakups
i’m basically using this blog to put out the stuff i write in my little feelings journal because i like oversharing but not to people i know :) enjoy my stream of consciousness
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i don’t remember the story, just that it was about you.
- i dream of you at night. i don’t know what happened, but you were there.
love, me <3
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in love with love
god, i’m so in love with the idea of love. and not just the idea of being loved, which i do love ever so much. i love the idea of loving. the idea of being the one to confess first. the idea of being the initiator, the instigator of our great love. i love most of all the idea of loving you. through the big moments, and the little ones, too. through the happiest of days, and the loneliest of nights. i just love with idea of being the one that loves you. i’m so in love with the possibility of what we could be together, because i know that i have so much love for you in my heart. i want you. i want to be with you. i want you to know that i love you. that i love loving you.
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the theory of when harry met sally
is when harry met sally right? can men and women really not be friends? i believe that i have plenty of friends that are guys, but do they all secretly harbor feelings for me. when i think back on it, i realize that a good many of them did. at least the ones i was very close with. and you are one of them. you, who i thought was my friend, but in reality, you had a crush on me. and i never even realized. do you still? when i list out signs that you still love me, i realize there are ever so many of them. i mean, the day that i switched seats to sit next to you, even before i knew how much i want you, you looked happy that i was there. you did, i swear. and then at homecoming, when i had you hold my purse for me, all the guys around gave you a look that seemed to say “damn, she’s got you wrapped around her finger, doesn’t she.” you always make jokes and then look at me first to see what i think about it. when i told you that i was going to break up with my ex, you looked like you wanted to be excited, but you didn’t want to be too excited, almost as if you were trying to hide it. there’s a million and one signs that you want me as i want you. and you’re my best guy friend. so does that make when harry met sally right? does that mean that we’ve never been truly friends, we’ve just been building to a thing of love? i almost hope so. i almost hope that because you’re a boy and i’m a girl that we must fall for each other. i’ve fallen for you. have you fallen for me yet?
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i’m seventeen, and i’m in love with you. how lovely. i love you. and it’s the best thing. love, in general, and loving you.
- love, me <3
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my hands are quite crooked and knotted, ink stains marring my fingers. to me, though, that is love. that my fingers are stained black, my hands crooked, all because i write about you ever so much. so i must say that i don’t quite care how my hands look. they display love with every knot and stain.
from me, to you (as it is every night)
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you make it so easy to love you, but so hard to tell you.
- from my head, to you (as always)
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the one
god, i hope you are the one. not just the next one, but the one. you’re the only one i could ever imagine it being. i’ve known you forever it feels. it feels like i’ve known you longer than i actually have known you. but fuck it feels like you’ve always been there. always in the back of my mind. do you hope that i’m the one for you. do you imagine a tomorrow with me, even if that tomorrow is just a bit and not forever? i don’t care if it’s not forever. i just want a bit at the very least. i just want to love you in the open and have you do the same. i want everyone to look at us and think “fuck i want what they have together”. i want you to be the one for me. the one that i talk to everyday. the one i couldn’t imagine my life without. the one that is always there for me and the one that i’m always there for. i wish on every star, wonder with every angel number, think through every single fucking sign to see if you are it. if the universe is telling me to go for it. if you want me as much as i want you. if i’m the one for you as much as you are the one for me.
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heaven
i think you believe in heaven. i assume you do. i don’t quite know what i believe. i do know that if heaven exists, you are it for me. how can heaven be a place when your eyes crinkle the way they do when you smile? how can heaven not be here when your fingers dance the way they do on the piano? how can heaven be somewhere else but in you when you look like you do? you probably believe that god created you in his image. i would worship any god that looked like you did. i would pray on my knees to your god every day of the week if he were like you. you make me believe in something, even if it isn’t god so to speak. because how could a god not have created you in all your beauty, in all your perfection? how could something not be out there to make you? i am quite selfish, and i’m not always the prettiest, or the most perfect. clumsy hands pieced me together, sewing up some parts crooked, and stitching others sideways. but you? experience made you. perfected straightened stitches, sewn up just the right way. both of us were made in love, but someone must have truly loved you to make you. and someone must have truly loved me to put me in your path. to place me in the space that you occupy. to ensure that we meet, because i swear that this could not have been left to chance. i don’t know if this is love for you i feel, i’ve never felt love before. i didn’t even think i could love, until you. i do think it takes love to believe in a something. i hope that the something out there is kind enough to keep me with you. whether it’s in an afterlife, in a reincarnated life, or even just in this one. i couldn’t imagine you not next to me. even in a life where i never knew you, i think i would miss you. i would miss my heaven.
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i think my mother…
i think my mother thinks of me as hers. and since i am hers, she has to keep me from making her mistakes. but no matter how much alike we are, i am not her. i will not make her mistakes because, even if i do, they are now my mistakes
i think my mother worries about me. she asks if i’m okay, and if i am not, she doesn’t sleep. she sits up, hoping i can somehow learn to be okay. she worries that if i can’t be okay now, how will i do it later. but the truth is, i have never been okay. i have had hurts inside and out my whole life. i have pushed them down because i know she worries and i want her to be happy almost more than i want myself to be
i think my mother wants me to be happy. she always pushes me to follow my dreams, but once i take the first step, she pulls back her support, but only a little bit. she wants me to be happy, but at the same time, realistic. i have always had dreams too big for everyone else. they tell me backup plans are good. my mother wants me near her and to follow a dream that keeps me with her. i need to become my own person and be away, no matter how much i wish i could stay
and i think, despite all of my flaws and all of her flaws, my mother loves me. every day, all the time, she loves me
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