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Dear Diary
In case I die tomorrow
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Dear Diary
J.J.F.P April 26 2017
It’s been a week since I’ve written, I apologize
But honestly, I’m just over how life works and how it is against me, though the same question pops into my head every few hours and that is; Why aren’t I good enough? I know that’s a stupid, pathetic, cliche type of question, yet when I ask myself this question, it’s not just the question alone, many things come afterwards, I can ask myself why aren’t I good enough? and then a wave of loneliness, and depression flood my body, my knees start to give in and then I ask myself why am I even trying anymore? and then all sorts of thoughts and emotions take over.
It’s not the fact that I’m alone, it’s just I’ve been trying so fucking hard and nobody seems to give a fuck, and I’m tired of trying.
I went for a bike ride today.. alone, and I know that doesn’t seem like much but honestly it was a big step for me, I was always afraid to do things on my own as if I needed someone to constantly be there or else I couldn’t function, and yes I am aware that it’s kind of sad that I can’t even leave my house alone without the fear of losing my life, but for some reason I enjoyed the feeling of being alone, I enjoyed the feeling of not having to worry about someone else, and put myself first, I enjoyed being able to relax and breathe in the air the trees can provide, the smell of pine-trees that resemble the smell of sunscreen, as if summer is just around the corner yet it’s only April, though mother-nature feels the need to bring snow upon us, the need to let the grass flood with rain rather than sunshine for the flowers to bloom and warm weather for us who hate the cold. I went pretty far on my own, I went across the river and got a small Iced Coffee from Tim Hortons, sat alone in a space with a bunch of empty seats and enjoyed the view outside the glass, I know it doesn’t seem like much.. but it’s everything to me, but on my way back I spotted a familiar face, 3 of them to be exact, one being my ex whom I’ve been broken up with for about a week, two being the girl he was with, and three being a girl who talks shit about me.. I didn’t think it could get any worse, until I made it to a friends house and realized I had lost my phone, sillly me (No worries I found it) but other than that, it was a good day. I feel accomplished and empowered.
“Im no longer afraid to be on my own.
Though life can be rough, you have all the time in the world to relax, All the time in the world to put others first, but for now... Put yourself first, Live life to the full extent with or without anybody there.
Before its too late.
Before you become boring.“ -J.j.f.p
“Hey bro” -Ex “Snort snort” -Me
(My ex snorts shit, Im not sure what but I dont really care)
#writer#writers on tumblr#My writing#dear diary#dearuniverse#myexandwhys#my art#my post#self love#Blog Posts#positive
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Dear Diary
Anonymous April 18 2017
Though I am trying so hard to be happy, it’s as if there are stones tied to my feet, dragging me deeper into the water, as if I will never make it out.
I’ve been trying so hard to be confident, to be happy and positive but I have not yet succeeded, though I wish I could be one of the 10/10 “popular” girls I don’t even compare and honestly I dont even know what there is to live for anymore, I don’t know who is really there and who is just a shadow of what one used to be, I wish to bring happiness and joy. Yet I have failed at everything I’ve tried so hard for, I will never understand what made me such an unlikable person, I will never understand why I’m even here in the first place, Though I hope to make it out one day, but maybe not today.
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Dear Diary
Anonymous April 17 2017
I’m sorry, I know I missed a day and I deeply apologize but honestly yesterday me and that boy whom I was dating, officially broke up, I know, how tragic is that!? Lmao jk, but other than that it was a very uneventful day though that guy from three years ago, we’ve been talking quite a lot lately, I know what you’re thinking, why would I talk to the guy who broke your heart the first time I’ve ever found love at such a young age, but he speaks to me, he understands the way I think and knows how to make me happy when I’ve had the worst day any one could ever imagine. And I hate talking to him because of how much it reminds me of when we were together, though it’s as if he’s the only one in my corner.
I’ve been trying so fucking hard to be friends with people again but it’s so fucking hard to do so when it seems as if everybody gets so fucking annoyed me or simply doesn’t like me, I go to school every morning and stand alone until the bell rings, I walk alone in between classes, It seems as if I am meant to be alone and am not to be liked by others and I can’t handle it anymore, even my parents get so annoyed of me and I honestly have learned to hate everything about life and living.
Have you ever wondered about where you go after you die? I mean year there could be a heaven or hell but who really knows until you die, but the one thing I fear is what if I become nothing? What if we dont go anywhere and just are nothing, with no memories of what happened, nothing. We arent a spirit, we aren’t angels, we just become nothing.
But today I’ve come to realize that I am a lonely piece of shit, and if I were to die tomorrow, nobody would care.
I feel as If I’m the most disliked person in this who city and I will never know why. I’ll never know why people dont talk to me, and avoid me when possible. I’m just so done with trying to hard to be ones friend only to be turned down once again, I’m not good enough for anyone. I am so tired of being so alone.
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Dear Diary
Anonymous April 15 2017
To whoever is reading this, on whatever device, I have 7 words for you;
Never. Let. The. One. You. Love. Go.
Though I was and still am young and dumb and in love, I shouldn’t have let him go so easily the year of 2014, although he didn’t want me I wanted him more than ever, when I broke it off I never expected for it to turn out this way.. I never expect it to hurt for so long for it to cause my heart to beat more vivid whenever his name pops up on my phone, for it to cause me to fear every guy who dares try to touch me the way he did, Yet it’s been 3 years therefore it’s time to move on.
That guy messaged me today, we spoke for an hour, and brought up the past that belongs behind us.
There’s only one guy I want, One guy I wish to get closer to, but he’s unaware of my existence, unaware of my feelings, of who I really am, I hope you will read this one day I am not here, the day I am not here to tell you how I feel though I hope you know I admired everything about you, I was on the sidelines, watching the way you smiled, the way you laughed, I still felt for you. And I know what you’re thinking.. How could you feel for someone you’ve only spoke to twice if not less? His eyes had drawn me to him, those eyes that spoke to mine, fluently.
My life is so unproductive the only thing I can write about is what I wish I had rather than actually trying to get it.
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Dear Diary
Although this will post on the 15th of April, it was meant to be written on the 14th as in “yesterday”
Anonymous April 14 2017
This is to the guy who isn’t aware of my existence, to the boy across the room, the room everyone is in yet when our eyes meet, its as if we’re the only people within the walls that keeps us warm, the guy with the pale face and eyes that are fulfilled with beauty, as if they’re innocent and sweet yet when you speak it seems as if your words say the total opposite.
Although we’ve only said a total of 10 words to one another, those ten words are what made my heart beat become more vivid.
But this guy isn’t the guy I say “I love you” to everyday, though those are the words that slow within my veins when looking at the innocence of the guy across the room.
No. I am not a hoe, I am not a slut or a whore, I am a girl who is afraid to love, a girl who is trapped in the walls of what some call a relationship and I cannot get out of. I am sick of it, I am sick of myself.
Though the boy isnt aware of my existence, I still admire his flaws.
And maybe one day he will see me but for now I am lost.
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Dear Diary
Anonymous April 13th 2017
Dear Diary, today I was bit in the face by a dog, pleasant right?
yeah no.
But today I got my makeup done but wiped away the foundation. Simply because I hate the feeling, Though I felt pretty.
Although I feel beautiful my boyfriend had nothing to say, let alone hasnt messaged me at all, yet Im not mad it’s just, I dont know if I want to be in a relationship anymore.. Not because I dont feel for him, but because I am not good enough.. And i know every girl uses that as an excuse, but its not that kind of statement, when I say it, I mean it
Im not saying Im a piece of trash that doesnt deserve to live, I mean I don’t treat him right, and I hate that I can’t give him what he wants, that I dont want to put my all into it, simply because I know im better off alone, although you’ll never understand, I dont know how to express how I feel anymore, I cant word it right and it’s pissing me off.
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Dear Diary
Anonymous April 12th 2017
Today is the day I realized, I want to pursue writing and let me just tell you,, I will probably give up within the next few months of trying to do so.
I love writing but who am I to want such a dream? I hardly go to school, let alone do I ever want to get up during the day time.
I am still young yet it feels as if my life as already passed by, my friends party, and drink while I sit at home watching netflix, with a boy I am not so sure of.
I lie awake at night wondering what I have done wrong to end up being the girl who roams the halls alone, the girl who doesn’t want to go to school because of how lonely she is, my heart beating faster the moment someone lays eyes on me.
I am the girl nobody wants to be around, I am that girl.
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