willow-schmillow

[willow-schmillow]

stop throwing people with psychosis under the bus when you have complaints about inpatient mental health care. sorry you got scared by the person stuck in a delusion, i guess, but "they put me in the same room as the real psychos" isn't the advocacy for mental illness that you think it is

#psychosis #ableism #by fray

[willow-schmillow]

one day i'll be able to say "i'm not a system" and this will all have been worth it

#therapy is sucking really bad right now #did system #dissociative identity disorder

[willow-schmillow]

surviving sexual assault means you have to be extremely fucking normal about phantom sensations in your mouth and speak to other people like you aren't choking on some of the worst moments of your life over and over. hate it here

#fucking HATE it here #ventposting #sa survivor

[willow-schmillow]

on watcher and the argument that artists should be paid:

1) art is a luxury service

2) people can decide whether art is worth the money the artist is asking for

3) people can support, like, and respect artists, and also decide that the services they provide aren't worth the price.

'tis not a slight against me that some people decide that the commission prices i ask aren't worth it to them. some ppl i know love my art but can't afford it. some ppl i know love my art and could theoretically afford it, but it's just not worth $X to them. that is Fine and Normal and Part Of Selling A Luxury Good/Service. i like what watcher does, but not $6/month like it.

watcher isn't losing $6/month - and, because i've seen this argument with my eyeballs, i'm not withholding $6/month from watcher out of spite - i'm just deciding not to spend my money on a luxury good. can't speak for everyone who's choosing not to move over to watcher tv, but there isn't much of a moral hangup for me here other than "what they do isn't worth $6/month to me."

#watcher #too serious for main too off topic for my other account just right for my PTSD blog

[willow-schmillow]

hold on [pulls out notepad]

i knew it was coming but it still hurts (ice adolesence), bummer (watcher), WAHOO (ffxiv polyamory week), NYMPHIA. FUCKING. WIND. (drag race)

#by fray #rpdr spoilers

[willow-schmillow]

cw eating disorder, sexual assault, csa (none of this is in depth). mdni

"if i ⭐ve until i erase my body from existence, nobody will be able to fuck me" <- not even true.

#an ex had an an4 kink #is what it is (agonized) #tw disordered eating #sexual assault tw #csa tw

[willow-schmillow]

i am so brave. i am so brave. i am so brave. i am so brave.

#ventposting

[willow-schmillow]

hello, system who plays ffxiv. how's your alter fray doing

#this is a silly post we are sillyposting #did system #personally i am suffering (period nausea)

[willow-schmillow]

cw - sui ideation

every time i had an ✨unsavory impulse✨ in the past six hours i drank a cup of water instead. and now i think i may be experiencing mild water intoxication. it won't kill me but if it did... objectively funny way to go

#sui ideation #scream into pillow #ventposting

[willow-schmillow]

hand in loveable hand

#wonderful work

[willow-schmillow]

i don't think people were meant to understand their childhoods and see their parents as people. i don't. i don't think people are meant to see them as anything but infallible, perfectly just, correct gods, who were right, who were right, who were always right

they were meant to be five years old and confused and sad because why is mommy hurting me but okay with it, okay with it, strangely, painfully, because they are five years old and this is what they know and they don't have to know anything else.

they weren't meant to know mommy has ptsd (she tells you about her childhood and you think that sounds so sad but you don't understand ptsd and trauma and the pain she is in, okay?). they weren't meant to think mommies are supposed to be nicer than this. they weren't meant to say i am choosing to forgive my mom because i love her and want her in my life because of course they love their mommy. they're five years old. it was never in question.

they were meant to be five years old living the worst years of their lives over and over again not understanding that it can be different, never tasting anything other than pain, going to sleep until it was time to hurt again, dreaming pain and being pain, another wound inflicted but they were so used to it that it became okay because this is what living is. this is what living is.

they were meant to be five years old locked in a closet, a tiny closet, full of guts and blood and dog shit and the mangled remains of their own child body, an impossibly tall ceiling (they are five years old. when is the last time you've seen a five-year-old? they're so small. they're so small. they're so small.) they were meant to never leave, never open that door, never wake up at ten and twelve and and and and—

people weren't meant for this. it hurt, you know? i know you do. there are worse things than pain.

i think the absence is killing me.

#i need this out there. i need the words to exist. i'll die if they don't #dissociative identity disorder #did system #actually cptsd #cptsd vent #ventposting #parental abuse cw #by valentine

[willow-schmillow]

ok poll time because im curious..

“memories from your childhood” meaning any time up to ~18 years old, or if you’re younger than that up to your current age!

if you answer “some of it” and want to share in the tags what that means for you that’d be awesome!

hope you all have an easy day today <3

#used to have everything beyond 17 blocked #trauma recovery+ fusions have changed that pretty significantly #poll response

[willow-schmillow]

I was a gig violinist for several years. I used to play the Christmas program at this one Protestant church (I don't know the exact denomination, my apologies). They had a full programmed laser light show, one hell of a sound system, and - very notably - dry ice

Being in the orchestral pit, of course, meant that the frozen carbon dioxide (what dry ice is) was turning into a gas, and immediately floating down into the pit. Every year, I would be playing through a two-hour program under oxygen deprivation. Sometimes, it'd get so bad that I'd start hallucinating the stained glass windows moving.

#religion #willow facts 👍

[willow-schmillow]

Child alters aging up after trauma processing:

#i'm making brownies to celebrate haha #by valentine #did system #dissociative identity disorder #osddid #did osdd

[willow-schmillow]

me trying to explain to the system community how we dislike being called plural but multiple is different and acceptable but plural is no good because we aren't multiple people but also we are multiple just not plural

#THIS. REAL. ME. FR.

[willow-schmillow]

If someone were to walk up to you right now and ask you which way is north, and you couldn't look anything up, would you know immediately, would you have to take a minute to figure it out, or would you not be able to answer?

#i work in the north side of my city #just gotta remember how to get to work from where i am :P #if im out of my city im screwed though

[willow-schmillow]

I don't think it can be understated how fucking embarrassing it is to wake up at home and have your roommates explain to you that they picked you up from the hospital because you got too drunk.

#alcohol cw #brothers... we're ngmi