ventsaved61321

[ventsaved61321]

.

#highkey wanna.. well.. yknow #k word myself

[ventsaved61321]

weeee

#havign needs means its all my fault and i knew this but i wish it wasnt this #every time i try to say something hurts me but i dont blame yoh and want to fix it its my fault for making things worse #every day i wanna relapse cuz ig i deserve it #yknow

[ventsaved61321]

shrugs

#like instead of talking it just feels like everything my fault #blah blah flat circle its all the same #seems like just whatever like its one thing then i blink but it something else #also i cant say anything cuz everyone has rsd so i cant say when things make me uncomfortable cuz then im making issues despite my own rsd #in fact i should understand cuz i have rsd so i just cant say anything at all #or im like Bad yknow #but oh well cuz im always Bad anyways

[ventsaved61321]

every day

#every day i like.. infodump and then feel immensely guilty and also kinda idk lonely that no one knows what im talking about like.. #its.. i know they dont know the source material no one i talk to really does but idk i feel annoying and confusing and.. isolated? #but i wanna talk about my ocs n stuff;;;

[ventsaved61321]

yknow

#he could still be alive if i wasnt the way i was #but im so fucked up i couldnt even #i #i just #he could be alive we couldve been real friends if i wasnt so fucking stupid and fucked up #and then i have the audacity to cry at the fucking wake #its been so many fucking years and i #we had a lot in common #shoulda been me #could still be me ig but like that wont change whats done already #he shoulda been here yknow when you havd a gut feeling #i shoulda fucking done better

[ventsaved61321]

lmao

#i could do it like cancel that is #haha #i could just save them some trouble #from having to fucking see whatever mess i try to call a person in person #or if i lmao redacted yknow might as well cancel it bc what are they gonna come see if im not therr

[ventsaved61321]

its kinda funny

#like i know im never gonna be the right thing or what someoen needs #i can never do enough yknow no matter what i try its not right or not enough or wrong bc its me #i should stop trying cuz like it doesnt matter #im never gonna be like the one someone needs #cuz i cant do it right both too much n not enough #i should prolly k word myself honestly at this point cuz im tired of this being my life #half heartedly looks up how to cancel a flight that wont matter if i do it haha #doesnt matter if it costs money tho cuz.. lol idk #im just like fundamentally broken you know like the building blocks are broken #so i cant be better #like i cant be good enough for anything or anyone #not my fucking parents ever or anyone no matter how much i love them #cuz i cant even fucking tell people i love them i can never open my mouth i sit there like a fucking moron #which i am but #whatever this is loong im goin to google shit

[ventsaved61321]

hm

#recurring thought every time i open my mouth or exist to other ppl as a survivor of both c/sa and s.a: #i think i deserve to get assau/lted and no one else deserves it so i should be instead #bc im actually kinda the worst person alive :flushed: idk if anyone knew that #but i think bad things should keep happening to me yknow

[ventsaved61321]

eeeeee yikes!

#weve done it folks weve rel*apsed #lots of blo*d <3 for legal reasons its really not That much but yeah #more than intended #dyou think i can start hyperventilating until i pass out again lmao #i just have these fucking.. episodes and its horrible and just delusio/n and paranoi/a filled i cant stop them #everything i say feels so real in them and all the stupid thoughts are so real #i wish i was like not so fucking broken that i ruin everyones lives around me #if i k word myself i wont have to do finals or pay my utilities bill lmao

[ventsaved61321]

ngl

#i sohuld k word myself 😳 #lmaooo hehe

[ventsaved61321]

.

#pov u watch me break down live #except not cuz im not gonna type out all this shit #just gonna rock in the corner a lil

[ventsaved61321]

.

#always feel stupid after delusion episode stuff but also im so paranoid what if its true #what if everyone i love wants me to d*e? #what if all my friends want me to kms? #what if they Do all want to actually k word me themselves #every day im paranoid

[ventsaved61321]

just..

#like.. #knowing no ones gonna know or check in and like wont find out for hours or days like #gets to my sometimes #like in theory #no one would notice for a while

[ventsaved61321]

.

#i wanna *** !! i wanna *** !! i wanna *** !! #ig ill just relapse instead [jard] i need my nitro emojis because i cant convey feelings and need a specific expression #relapse... is for me? [pleading] #cant stay clean for like even 2 weeks at a time now i think thats my record #quickest is like 5 minutes lol

[ventsaved61321]

.

#it really hit out of nowhere and obviously im a burden as the kids say #god im just #i just crawled back in to bed and looked at the ceiling and thought #just god i wanna *** #just #right now #actually

[ventsaved61321]

.

#yuck #the way i wanna [redacted] myself so bad lol

[ventsaved61321]

.

#stressed and helpless n feelin kinda worthless #cant do anything righttttttt and i dont know what to dooooooooo i feel bad #for like existin #well....... tomorrow is a photo class day x'] #hehe hoo hoo i hate it here #every day i linger at the b*****