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rzyraffek · 1 year

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Fallout4 characters with teen!sole

Bestie you are litteraly describing one of my oc's! Of course its purley platonic😊 teen!sole is also from valut and was in fidge for last 200years. I refer to them as 'kid' bcs thats how some of characters would probably treat them anyways. Also its a screenshot vuz I accidentally deleted the ask and luckily had some sort of proof

Maccready

The only guy here with any expirence with kids

Dad vibe

Type of guy who says "We need to cut it off" after Sole tells him their hand hurts

Will teach them how to shoot, hunt ect

Also scold them every time they talk with any shady people??? Like he really doesnt want them to end up like him with whole 'gunners incident'

He thinks that Sole would get along with Duncan well!

If Sole calls him 'dad' mans gotta be so happy

Deacon

Secretly worried about their saftey, like Commonwealth is dangerous place for trained adults, and for kids ESPECIALLY ones who have no knowlage about defence or weapons

But he never shows his worries, just hangs around being cool dude he is😎😎

Rich cousin/uncle vibe

You like this cool hat you saw like week ago? Boom see it apear inside your closed 2days later

His love language (quick remidner that love also can be platonic🙄😎) is giving them little gifts when they don't see him or leaving notes with remiders on them ^^

Quick reminder that he and his wife wanted to have kids! So yeah Sole makes him wonder if thats how it feels to have kids tbh

If Sole calls him 'dad' bro will freeze and panic, probably pretending that he thought that was a joke but he's sweating so hard rn

Hancock

Wtf a child? Here?

Bestie you really shouldn't be here

If Sole is in this cringy teen phase when they do drugs/cigarettes, watch him say stuff like "drugs=bad" meanwhile taking some mentats

Your friendly local drug dealer vibe

Dude gonna teach them how to manipulate assholes, trow knifes, gaslight and still look stylish

If Sole ever tells him about their parents he will be angry, like ??? Why would anyone do anything to a kid???

He will litteraly pay fahrenheit to watch them when he's busy

Preson

"Fire, pretty sky and a lot of storytelling in middle of nowhere" vibe

Im 100% sure he knows how to play on guitar and will try to teach them

He will try to act mature and lead them to the right path but he won't try to be their "new perent" unless Sole is clear that they see him as father figure, he will never even bring this up.

When they call him 'dad' mans will be the happiest minuteman in history. Also if kid will even mention their past caretakers he will just tell them to forget about them cuz they aren't coming back and they are never going to hurt Sole anymore

Gage

How on earth some kid killed Colter? No one knows but Gage is impressed.

He gets annoyed by lack of knowlage and skills, ye ye he gets that they are like 13 or something but come on hes not going to do anything for them. Huh what do you mean you are from valut? Before the war?? Damn kid and im happy to be alive. Stop lying

*sighs* "jesus boss let me do it"

Older brother vibes.

"How many times i have to tell you, dont hang out with pack members they have bad influence on you AND do not even think about going near Nisha"

He needs to learn ALOT he dumped his family and even if he had younger siblings he never really took care of anyone, never, so yeah it is challenging

If Sole somehow calls him 'dad' they were probably incredibly tired or something very emotional happened. No matter how it happend Gage will ignore it and later overthink when Sole wont be around, like ??? Me??? Gee what kind of parental figure this kid had?? Should I check on them more often??

Danse

Uhh erm a child ee greeting?

Akward

At first he sees Sole as lil civilan and just tells them where to find nearest safe place/diamond city cuz hes very very busy and cant take care of child while on duty. If kid hangs around more he will probably warm up

Of course he will ask about their parents but when Sole tells him some upsetting stuff he won't ask again, he won't tell them to go home either. He will just idk let them vibe

I can imagine Sole just tagging along his missions by just begging him to hang out with them constantly. They quickly get along. Very lonley soldier and kid who lost everyone.

One of those 'depressed dude adopts random child he found in middle of knowhere' prompt

When Sole calls him 'dad' he gonna get emotional fr fr pls civilan he's on duty he cant cry rn 😭

Yall I loved writting for gage i might do part 2 with Gage just trying to figure out how kids work. Also another pole cuz I still have no clue how to delete those on phone. And as always, I used x reader tags ONLY to reach bigger audience 🦊

#fallout 4 #fallout #maccready #sole survivor #fallout 4 gage #preston garvey #fallout headcanons #paladin danse #robert maccready #deacon fallout 4 #fallout deacon #fallout 4 hancock #preston #paladin danse x reader #fallout x reader #deacon x reader #maccready x reader

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midnxght-sweet-time · 11 months

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Beta Riddle fic??????? 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

Im on my knees pls tell us more 👉👈

Yes Im working on a Beta Riddle fic-

I swear I have scour the whole entirety of social media and have only found TWO fics of Beta Riddle and about five fanarts at best. IM DESPERATELY CRAVING FOR SOME BETA RIDDLE EVEN IF HIS NOT CANON- I WANT HIM AS LIKE A SIDE CHARAC OR SMTHG T^T

On that note, i have decided the best way is to just feed myself. Dont get me wrong I love the strawberry ant boi we have now but like-

The concept of Riddle? Being spoiled and bratty???

Can no one see how unhinge he couldve been? How even more satisfying it will be to defeat him when he OB?

Sadly my fic wont include any OB (unless I think of an idea to shove it in) but I'll give a brief— I always wondered how we would have to sympathize with Riddle even if he is a spoiled brat. Cuz keep in mind the whole goal of Twst is to litterally tame all these rowdy hormonial teens with i s s u e s.

Beta Riddle out of all them— if we replace him with canon Riddle into the canon universe, seems like the most well off dorm leader compare to the rest. Until when you realize, sometimes even the most brattiest person, the one who has been given alot since childhood can be neglected.

Aksjaksjaksk ALLOW ME TO BRAINROT RANT— I see Beta Riddle as touch starved- (as he should be lmao cuz twst is a 'non otome game' right ?) He was given everything as a child. He had a choice to not study, he got all the most expensive luxuries, all the toys, got a tart for his birthday, etc etc. What every child dream off- hell I wont be surprise beta Riddle's mom lets him eat ice cream before dinner.

But the one thing Riddle has never been given all throughout his life, was genuine care.

Cheesy ik- but heres what I hced/imagined:

Ever since young, beta Riddle is just as isolated as canon Riddle. Only the reason his so isolated is because his homeschooled by a hired teacher. His mother is always away busy with work so she never had much time for him. She spoils him with toys and gifts he wants to keep him happy but never bothered making time to give him what he needs. I imagined beta Riddle as a child used to be as hardworking at canon Riddle but overtime when he realized his efforts were only glossed over by his mom, he slowly starts to despise studying. Its like Leona's case where, he knows his mom wont even celebrate with him no matter how many A's he filled up his exams.

Might as well stop trying and seek attention elsewhere which is why when he came to NRC, the first time he ever get a chance to be in a crowd or what was considered public. He probs took the role as dorm leader of Heartslabyul because the old leader was a sticker for rules which is why it was so easy to grab that position when you can just cheat. Besides.. it doesnt seem the dorm members care much for these rules. Just break them all and call it a day.

Yes he has a chance to be with Trey and Chen'ya but they feel more like servants to him then friends. Especially Trey. But what can they do? They cant tell if Riddle cares for them enough to listen to them. And besides, Chen'ya probably gets a kick in making Riddle mad and flustered while Trey is just the 'I dont get paid enough for this shit—' babysitter. We already know Trey didnt bother stepping up to Riddle and smack some sense into him til he OB, tf is my baker boi gonna do with this bratty boi? Just let the man bake his tarts and be a malewife. All that problem solving goes to the one darling Riddle falls for and is desperately seeking their attention even if it were an act of defiance or looks of disgust >;3

This fic will take me a couple of weeks or more to complete cuz I only have the planning on board but how I will execute this writing will be slightly difficult.

#yandere riddle rosehearts #twisted wonderland riddle #twst riddle #riddle rosehearts #riddle x reader #riddle twisted wonderland #riddle twst #disney twisted wonderland #twisted imagines #twisted wonderland #twst #twst fanfic #beta riddle #beta riddle rosehearts #twst beta riddle

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raveneira · 4 months

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Aight its time to say it

Warning: Anti BoruSara post, dont like dont read.

Aight enough time has passed and now its long overdue to be said so Im gonna be the one to burst the bubble since nobody else is.

Sarada's actions in 78 did not solidify BoruSara because it mirrored the NH moment in the Pain arc, it actually did the OPPOSITE and showed how flimsy the ship actually is and how weak Sarada's feeling for him are.

People love this argument of 'love makes you act irrationally so that proves Sarada's feelings are more real/stronger than Sumire's because she acted reckless like Sakura and Hinata did while Sumire stayed behind and did nothing'

Now at first glace that does seem to be the case, but after the initial shock has worn off and you actually reread the chapter with a much clearer head, you realize how much damage this actually did to both the ship and Sarada's character.

Now what do I mean? to see the problem you just have to answer one simple question, what is the one major difference between the moment with NH and the one with Bsa? the answer is Pay Off.

What do I mean by that? lets compare the two side by side and all will become clear.

Aight I think it should be clear now, notice the difference? yea, the very scene they claim solidified the ship actually weakened it, the very scene they said solidified Sarada's feelings as more 'real' than Sumire because she acted irrationally, actually showed how flimsy her feelings really are compared to Sumire.

It's true that Sumire staying behind could give that impression, but at the same time people get on Hinata's case all the time here for how stupid her actions was and how she actually made the situation WORSE rather than better by jumping into a situation she knew she couldnt win and made Naruto snap so bad that if not for Minato's fail safe it would've been GGs for everybody and Naruto would've died by undoing the seal.

But Im not here to criticize Hinata right now, because all in all her actions were out of love right? thats the point of this post. So Sumire's actions actually make more sense than Hinata's was because she knew she didnt have a chance to begin with so why bother going there? just to get one shotted? what happened to Sarada is a prime example of WHY she was right not to go, because thats what happened.

But ok since yall wanna be hung up on girls inlove for real all acted irrational and ran to their mans rescue which solidified the ship, well this goes back to what I said the biggest and most important difference between all the other girls vs Sarada, and thats PAY OFF.

Still confused by what I mean? well I'll show you cuz it aint just NH, Sarada failed to be like ANY of the girls who acted irrationally and fought for their man, keyword FOUGHT.

The difference is night and day atp, when I say Pay Off I meant PAY OFF, and with BoruSara, unlike everyone else I showed, had zero pay off.

What do I mean by pay off? should be obvious by now but the answer is simple, when everyone else fought for their loves they actually FOUGHT, they didnt always win, but they TRIED there were ATTEMPTS made to protect them no matter HOW badly they got hurt. No matter HOW much stronger the enemy was than them they NEVER faltered when their love was in danger and were willing to fight tooth and nail to defend them as much as they were capable of doing.

THATS the sign of true love in the Naruto verse, not the foolishness yall try to make it as just acting irrational = true love, no, its ACTIONS which is something Sarada did not take.

The arguement of she was scared doesnt apply here, because if your gonna use this argument as proof it solidified Bsa then Im gonna use it to prove why it didnt. EVERYONE was scared in those moments but it didnt stop them, they didnt back down, they fought for their loves REGARDLESS of how scared they were, even knowing that they could die they still jumped in head first and FOUGHT.

I dont care how you try to twist it, turn it, flip it or reverse it, if your gonna use this argument then you gotta use it all the way, dont just talk about the irrationale, talk about the actions, or in Sarada's case lack thereof.

If you need more proof of how bad this looks on Bsa and just how this moment proves how not strong Sarada's feelings for him is, you need look no further than Haku.

I mean nuff said right there, Naruto learned where true strength comes from from Haku, which is that when you have someone whos precious to you, romantic or platonic, thats when you can truly become strong, as strong as you need to be, and this is shown time and time again all throughout Naruto through multiple characters who overcame their fears and fought for who was precious to them, unleashing a whole new strength they didnt know they had. It didnt always have to be some brand new ability, but simply just having the courage to put your life on the line for that dear person was enough to solidify who really mattered.

This is what kills Bsa in that moment, not saying the ship is dead obviously, but that moment killed it in terms of perception and their relationship as a whole. We can keep HEARING how deep their bond in, how close they are, how much they mean to eachother, but if you dont show it and instead show the opposite then people will have a hard time believing their actually as close as we're being told they are.

Just imagine Naruto talking about how much Iruka and Team 7 mean to him but we never see any strong actions that proved it, would you still believe their his closest bonds? if Naruto still says Sasuke is like a brother to him, would you still believe that if they barely showed the two of them bonding and being close like sibling? pretty sure you wouldnt, thats why its important to SHOW DONT TELL, because if all your doing is telling people but not showing them your definitely not gonna convince them that anythings really there like you say it is.

Even her bs MS isnt an example, because for every MS there was emotion and build up and the situation was centered around that character, it was THEIR big moment, a moment that showed just how much the person who triggered it meant to them, which is why yall like to use that as proof as well but even that just goes to show how weak her feelings are in the eyes of the narrative and mangaka himself. Sarada's MS is on the same level as Sasuke's half hearted sorry to Karin, it was short, rushed, moved right past like it wasnt a big deal and just went onto the next thing because her MS wasnt important for her character or the plot or even her feelings for Boruto, no what it was is plot convenience.

Plot convenience to convince Sasuke to save Boruto because he wouldnt have believed her otherwise, he needed to see her MS to convince him that if what shes asking is strong enough to trigger that then she must be telling the truth, thats literally the only purpose her MS served, a half assed way for Boruto to be saved, same way Sasuke's apology was a half assed way to address his betrayal and get right back to the real important stuff aka the war.

Again this goes back to what I said about show dont tell, if you want people to believe her MS was triggered by her strong love for Boruto then you have to show it which they didnt, her MS literally ONLY APPEARS when shes trying to convince Sasuke to save him, it was literally a deus ex machina because her eyes didnt budge an inch before then, it was literally ONLY when convincing Sasuke that her MS triggered, do you get just how bad that is yet? that her MS had nothing to do with her character, her growth, her feelings, her bond with Boruto, but just as a plot convenient way to bail Boruto out and then move on like she didnt just awaken a major power up? do you not see how pathetic that is?

I cant make it any clearer, 78 killed BoruSara's credibility as the most solidified ship, and her MS awakening purely out of plot convenience rather than actual emotion and then moved on from like it was nothing just killed it even more.

3 years have passed now and during a huge invasion with an Jigen level threat she doesnt even activate her MS once, and you want me to believe her MS awakening was a really big deal for her character and their relationship? this just proves it even more that the MS really was just plot convenience for Boruto to be saved, thats it, it had nothing to do with her character or her feelings etc, it was literally just a deus ex machina to keep Boruto alive into the timeskip.

It is INSANE to me how people see either of these scenes as solidification for the ship, all it did was prove how flimsy Sarada's feelings for him are and vice versa but thats a topic for another day, this post is just focused on Sarada.

When Boruto was about to be killed by Kawaki she blew one fireball and then buckled under pressure when it was time to actually square up and needed to be saved instead

When everybody was hunting Boruto down she just fell to her knees and cried, even after hearing him say hes going to kill Boruto she did not try to stop him and just sat there crying, and had Sasuke not shown up, she STILL would've been sitting there crying and Boruto would've been killed

Her MS doesnt awaken behind any emotion surrounding Boruto, but purely as a means to make Sasuke go and save him, yet she takes zero action herself to try and protect him and it literally took Sumire spelling everything out to her for her to even try to convince her dad in the first place, if not for Sumire Sarada was all ready to fall apart again and just sit there and cry until Sumire said they need to find a way to save Boruto but she doesnt know how they can which is when Sarada got the idea to ask her dad for help

Which leads me to my next point, since we established Sarada's feelings werent proven to be real or stronger than Sumire's, how does Sumire fair in comparison? well you can probably already guess but these chapters actually solidified BoruSumi alot despite Sumire not stupidly jumping into a losing fight.

How exactly? well lets start with 78, Sumire is being smart about the situation, she knows she cant help even if she tried, but she also knows reinforcements are on their way to help, so its not as if she left Boruto to fend for himself but she KNEW there were people on their way to go help him, her going there would just be in their way.

Sumire was actually trying to explain the situation to Sarada but she freaked out and Shikamaru gave the bare minimum run down of what happened and then she ran off, in this moment Sumire tries repeatedly to keep Sarada from stupidly running into danger but she doesnt listen. There are 2 reasons for Sumire not acting, 1 she knew she couldnt do anything anyway, and 2 because their supposed to be pretending to be under Ada's charm, so leaving Ada behind to go chase after Boruto would be highly suspicious since remember, their supposed to be charmed by Ada, so Boruto being in danger shouldnt pull them away from Ada if their both 'inlove' with Ada now.

You could argue the mission shouldnt have been more important than her love for Boruto but my response is why shouldnt it be? they NEED Ada to believe their affected because by them being the only 2 who arent means their the only ones who can take her out, blow their cover and Daemon will be on their ass like a hawk. Sumire rather than thinking in the moment, she thought long term, she knew people were on their way to help, and she knew she had to keep playing along to make Ada think she's affected, which would have been suspicious if she ran away with Sarada too leaving Ada behind.

But ok lets say I give you that and agree it wasnt a good look, lets move onto 79-80

Once Ada is GONE Sumire wastes NO time taking action, she immediately puts together what happened and contacts Sarada, SHE'S the one with a clear head with her entire focus on saving Boruto, she's running to meet up with Sarada so they can do something to help him even though she's unsure of what they CAN do, shes still going there to try and think of SOMETHING.

If Sumire never had this convo with Sarada she would have NEVER thought of asking Sasuke for help, it was only thanks to Sumire's explanation and level head that made Sarada act, not through any mental strength or determination of her own, but because of Sumire snapping her out of it.

As much as I hate this for Sarada's character making her this stupid and emotional, it was great characterization for Sumire that really showed her strong feelings for Boruto. She held herself back in order to play along with Ada, but as soon as that was no longer in her way she immediately took action, her mind was clear despite the chaos and she was determined to figure out a way to save Boruto with Sarada even though she had no idea how they could, she was still running over there to try.

So if you wanna be technical then thats closer to all the other moments of people fighting for their loved ones, none of them really knew how they would succeed or if they even could but they were willing to try anyway, and had Sarada not have thought of convincing Sasuke to go save him there's no doubt in my mind that Sumire would've looked for and found and protected Boruto, or atleast try.

But that falls into theory territory since we'll never know for sure how'd that play out cuz things didnt go that way, but you can just look at how the scene played out and see she was determined and planning to help Boruto in any way she could while Sarada was just on the ground falling apart doing nothing to try and help him.

Which goes right back to what I said, when its time for Sarada to act and prove her feelings, romantic or platonic or otherwise, she buckles under pressure, this is something even her own mother and father were able to overcome for their precious bonds, Sarada literally just sat there in despair despite knowing her childhood friend was in danger.

Sumire who's not even shown to be a fighter in the manga [yet] still got moving and kept her head on straight enough to analyze the situation and act accordingly, but Sarada the active ninja whos been through equally stressful situations before now and kept her head on straight now cant? yea, I think its obvious whose feelings are being pushed as genuine and more along what Haku described and whos isnt.

I really need to say no more, I already know antis gonna hate me for this if they read it but hey the truths the truth, when a girl or anyone for that matter in the Narutoverse is truly inlove they always take ACTION no matter what when that love is in danger, Sarada did not, case closed.

PS: All you Sumire/BoruSumi antis really need to thank Sumire, because if not for her your ship would've died, literally, because Sarada was really gonna let him die by not doing anything to help, so yall need to be grateful, she gave yall your 'moment'.

#boruto manga #manga spoilers #anti-bsa #pro borusumi #anti-ksu

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fefairys · 4 months

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I cannot fucking stand Mituna myself. I hate him so much actually. I guess it's mostly irrational but I dislike him for the same reason I'm not a big fan of Tavros; I hate that they exist to be Hussie's disability punching bag and that's reflected in how the people around them treat them

see but i dont think thats what mituna is, really. thats not how i interpreted what i just read, idk.

here is what we see:

meenah expresses surprise that latula and mituna are still together, because she thinks he sucks, and latula says "he's more than the terrible shit he's always saying, and also i feel like he kinda needs me" and meenah is like "well ok then" basically lmao and thats that

in the next dancestor flash, meenah has a couple conversations with mituna wherein she calls him "the worst" and says she "doesnt know how latula deals" because of all the inappropriate things he says. mituna calls her a "wader" which makes kankri come in and start talking about how mituna is "bad representation" for existing. then meenah defends him and says "vantas youre being a shit dont talk about him like that"

THEN cronus takes his anger out on him and verbally abuses him, blames mituna for ruining his chances at romance or whatever, cuz, yknow, he's terrible and we are supposed to think he's terrible, while he just stands there and says "im sorry", until meenah comes and defends mituna again and calls cronus out for being a shithead.

and then, when aranea gives her exposition on mituna, meenah says something like, wow that was genuinely interesting for once, thanks!

like she sees him as a person who deserves to be treated with respect, but she cant just ignore when hes shouting obscenities and sexually harassing her either. its complicated. like at the very fucking least, he is given some defense by the pov character of these sections.

how i see it is that the narrative is not particularly trying to Say anything about mituna (or tavros for that matter) or what they are "deserving" of or viewing them as "punching bags", i think it is just showing some fucked up shit for the spectacle of it without taking any sort of solid stance.

like, who do we see actively treating mituna badly? meenah, kankri, and cronus. i dont think i need to explain how those three are like. absolutely not "people we are supposed to agree with" NO ONE in homestuck is "person we are supposed to agree with on all things" and i think that trying to ascertain how hussie feels about how people should be treated, or ascertain any of hussie's opinions by looking at the things the homestuck characters say, is not going to work out.

even the homestuck book commentary where they speak in their own voice is a mixed bag of sincere and insincere statements CONSTANTLY. it is often very hard to parse when they are being serious and when they are trolling. so like. i dont know man. maybe hussie IS an ableist asshole who thinks disabled people should just, like, get over their disabilities and stop being so weak. i guess who is really to say.

i do think that regardless of how they actually feel, the jokes are distasteful and shouldn't be made. it certainly makes me uncomfortable.

tl;dr: i dont think that mituna and tavros are necessarily "disability punching bags". i think everything in homestuck is mostly just A Fucked Up Spectacle that we are supposed to ogle at and not take moral lessons from one way or the other. regardless of the intent, the content is distasteful and makes me uncomfortable and its valid to be upset about the treatment of these characters.

#asks #Anonymous #is this comprehensible?#im in a weird mood #i think half of this is probably nothing #homestuck #long post

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marinerainbow · 7 months

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Hey! So while I was reading your Popshine/JessicaxRoger Switcheroo AU I was listening to that Steven Universe Song- Its Over Isn't It (And just a precurser- i havent seen this show i just like the song and am just taking context clues from it). And I've been stewing on it since, and can't stop thinking about a Shiny x Poppy x Psycho love triangle with this plot! Lots of angst ahead, I warn you 😅

Like, imagine both Psycho and Shiny are in love with Poppy and she cares deeply for the both of them too. Shiny can make a joke of this, playfully argue with Psycho any time he's around and bother him as much as she can- because she doesnt think she'll actually lose Pops to him but his presence does annoy her. Her heart is, inevitably, broken when in the end Poppy chooses him.

I was fine with the men-

Who come into her life now and again.

I was fine, cuz I knew,

That they didn't really matter until you.

I was fine when you came, and we fought like it was all some silly game.

Over her- who she's choose-

After all those years, I never thought I'd lose.

Poppy and Psycho then have the twins, and Shiny fades into the background (as much as she can, I mean. Poppy still loves her and wants to be friends of course)- until Poppy dies. I'm not sure how, considering she is a toon of course, but it was definitely tragic.

Now Shiny has to help Psycho take care of the twins because he can't do it alone (She certainly knows it), and she needs to keep the last bit of Poppy left over, safe.

Of course you're welcome to ignore this if you want! Just thought I should tell you since it's about your OC's 😅

AWSTTHJOLNJTESDU7JHTEDF ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME CRY!?!? WELL YOU SUCCEEDED-

Ok ok ok. Before I get into my response to this, I've got some headcannons for this little AU. So. Poppy is dead. Psycho is not only mourning the sudden loss of his wife, but he's also a father now. He's got two kids he has to figure out how to raise through the depression. This would be hard on anybody. But on someone as mentally unstable as Psycho?? Holy. Shit. He's gonna need a lot of help. Shiny knows this, and although she and Psycho aren't friends thanks to their little love rivalry (I like to imagine she and Psycho could get along on their own. Maybe not be best friends, but it's Shiny's whole damn job description to get along with everyone she meets. If they didn't love the same woman, she could have made an acquaintance with Psycho work), she steps in whenever she can. Being more than just the Godmother Poppy asked her to be for the kids; at this point, the twins are practically her own, too. And she's the closest they have to a mother figure in their lives.

In fact, I think in this storyline, Shiny would have offered to take Psycho's position in the Toon Patrol. Those kids need a parent who won't get pulled away because of a new job. Or could easily be killed on said job either. And Psycho needs to be able to focus on his children full time now that it's just the three of them. Sure, if he does die too, the twins will be under her care, but Shiny isn't going to deprive them of the father they need now. Not to mention that this is around the 60's-70's; burlesque clubs aren't very popular now. Not as much as they were in her time anyway. Shiny needs a new job. And hey, she already had one foot in the criminal life with her moonshine business. Why not kill two birds with one stone? (Sometimes Psycho does have to get called for a job that only he can do, though he is still mostly a stay at home dad.)

So to the twins in this storyline, Shiny is not just their cool aunt. She's involved in so much of their lives. Going to school functions with Psycho to support all three of them, celebrating holidays all the time with them, and just generally making sure he doesn't screw up as a dad. She and Psycho here don't necassarily like each other, but she's short of moving in with them from becoming a complete member of their household. It's partially due to her legal status as a godmother, and she herself has grown an attachment to Poppy's children. And it hurts her so much more because this is the family of the woman she loved, and the other man.

Because she's trying her best to be the stability this family needs, Shiny never got to really mourn Poppy's death and, as such, hasn't been able to truly move on. She feels like she can't truly talk about her position about this to anyone since she has to be strong for the kids. But eventually, bottled emotions have to come out one way or another. Why not let them come out in song?

Also, after our convo, I'm making widower gardener Psycho canon in this AU :)

Warnings for: past character death, angst, plenty of cursing, a lot of crying. Also emotional singing (I don't care if it may come out as cringy- if I can't animatic Shiny singing this song, then I'm gonna write it!)

January 2, 1973

"Goodnight, Shiny."

"G'night, you little rascals. Don't forget to bite the bed bugs back for me!"

The two children giggled, Percival letting out a "That's gross!" around his laughter, before their father gently nose nudged them both towards the hallway. The twins gave him and their godmother one final hug before making their way to the back of the house to do as they were silently told how they could behave so well despite being raised by two hooligans, Shiny had no clue. It must be Poppy's influence. Usually Psycho didn't pay much mind to bedtimes, though it was late on an already long day. They all needed rest...

The grin on Shiny's face finally fell, only after Psycho glanced briefly towards her- telling the old dancer in his own way to go home now, before following his children. Now it was just her alone standing in the seemingly empty living room. It had been a long day for them all. Especially for the kids...

'Another birthday come and gone...'

visiting the grave of a woman that they didn't even know, but were supposed to. That would be scary and thought-provoking for anybody. No matter how old or young they were. Who knew what kind of shit was going through Penny and Percy's heads whenever they saw their mothers name on a tombstone?

But at least, they had as good of a support system they could get. All Penny and Percy needed to worry about now was what story their father would tell them tonight, and how many sheep they'd have to count to fall asleep. But they were getting older, too. And someday, they would lose the innocence that came with childhood...

Shiny's fists clenched, and an ugly frown tugged at her lips, choosing to glare at the floorboards as if they somehow spoke ill about her. Every year, this day was so damn hard for her. At least on the twins' birthday, she could distract herself with Penny and Percy's happy demeanor and what the day is supposed to be about. But on Poppy's birthday, all anybody could think of was how their friend was no longer with them to celebrate with.

The weasel woman growled a little before silently storming towards the front door, trying so hard to ignore the pain in her heart. She had to leave and go home anyway, but she also needed some fresh air. It was the only thing that could help her now- or at least that was what she could hope.

The former dancer's paw hovered over the doorknob in hesitation when she heard the familiar pitter patter of rain drops hitting the roof. Before she even stepped outside, 'Of course. Of course, it's going to be raining tonight.' If she were religious, she would have taken this as a sign that even the universe was sorrowful on this day. didn't bother with thoughts like that. They brought no reassurance or comfort to her despite so many people telling her it would.

Shiny just barely managed to not slam the door behind her before sinking down onto the porch steps. The night air was chilly, causing the rain to feel ice cold on her skin, not that Shiny cared at the moment. And the lamp across the street had gone out again. Shiny hadn't bothered turning on the porch light; it would just draw more attention towards her. More so than a wrech sitting on someone else's porch in the rain in the middle of the neighborhood would. At least the people around here knew to mind their own business.

That was one of the things Poppy liked about this place when they went house hunting; it was a valuable perk for anybody married to unlawful citizens. The perk for Shiny was that her house was just a few blocks away, and she could have visited Poppy and the kids more often...

"Fuck!" She roughly rubbed her eyes, trying desperately to get rid of the now familiar stinging before the floodgates started. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Why? Why? Why did it have to be so damn hard just to think of that woman's name? To think about a future that would never be reality now? She knew why, but why!?

Shiny sucked in a long, overdue breath and heaved it out before slumping over in defeat. Her elbows were resting on her knees, but they hardly supported her it felt like, as she hung her head. If she closed her eyes, she knew that Poppy's grave would be all that she'd see, so Shiny settled for just staring into the wet, muddy ground. Her voice was so soft, so fragile, she would have wondered if she actually said anything if she wasn't focusing on other things, "Why did it have to be you?"

God. So much had changed over the years. It was hard to believe they all had come this far. How much they all had changed. Sure, Smartass still had his gang, and the rest of the boys were still in it. But everything was different. And it wasn't just Psycho becoming a father and widower. She was different...

So much had changed. Nothing was the same. Or ever will be again... She couldn't even remember the last time she sang. Singing and dancing used to be one of Shiny's favorite forms of expression; it had been more than just a way to make money to her. But there wasn't a need for it now. She worked in the night under a very different career now. What point was there in singing anymore?

Shiny ran a paw through her hair it had grown longer over the years. She simply hadn't bothered to cut it anymore. She couldn't see the point in it nowadays before tilting her head to the left to look at the poppies lining the house. She was careful, despite her broiling emotions and shaky paw, when she reached towards the one closest to her and grazed her fingers over the petals. It was actually Percy's idea to plant the poppy flowers, 'so mom can be home' he had said. Just more proof that the little kit thought about things a lot more than kids his age should. Of course, planting your mothers namesake to try to keep her close wasn't how it worked, but who would care? Certainly not his father. Or her.

'You always loved my singing.' The thought wormed its way into Shiny's head before she could stop it. But now that it was there, she just... Couldn't fathom the energy to force it away. Not while she was out here alone, on her sweethearts birthday, with the cold rain and breeze as her band for the night, 'And I loved to sing for you... I'd give anything to sing for you again...'

But Poppy wasn't there to hear her sing anymore. It was no longer the same. Shiny had always thought that she sang for herself, which was partially true. But she found out the hard way too that she also needed someone to offer her voice to- something to sing about. But what?

...

"I was fine... With the men... Who would come into her life now and again..." It had been years since she had found it in herself to sing anything. Let alone whatever was on her mind. She somehow already knew what she was going to sing about before the words even left her lips, but right now, she couldn't care less, "I was fine... Cause I knew, that they didn't really matter... Until you." Her eyes narrowed into a spiteful glare, as she thought about that damn weasel inside the house now. She wanted to think of him as a homewrecker in all honesty. Though how could she when Poppy had never loved her the she had hoped she would?

A shaky breath, to try to calm her raging nerves. It was futile, but it was either try or just go all out and bat shit crazy in the rain. Shiny focused back on the flower, thinking back to all the stupid things Psycho and Shiny used to do to compete, "I was fine. When you came, and we fought like it was all some silly game... Over her."

Another crack in her voice. Another breath, "Who'd she choose..."

Shutting her eyes tightly, Shiny managed to tear her gaze away from the flower bed and lift her chin towards the cloudy night sky. Though it wasn't in pride, "After all those years, I never thought I'd lose..."

"It's over, isn't it?" It was, wasn't it? "Isn't it?" Now that she was never coming back, "Isn't it over?" After leaving behind so much, "You won. And she chose you. And she loved you. And she's gone..."

Only one thought crossed her mind as a droplet that wasn't from the current weather slipped down her cheek; if their silly little game was over now... "It's over, isn't it? Why can't I move on?"

Penelope felt restless, sitting upright in her bed and watching the rain pattering against her window intently, rather than laying down and trying to sleep. She always loved the rain. As long as she could remember. She especially loved it when it was a heavy downpour.

Though she was scared that mom's poppies would get ruined. Thankfully, dad was already on it, and had left real quick to make sure the garden had shelter for the night, "Percy?"

She didn't look her brothers way, but she could still hear the sleepy muddle in his voice. She didn't know how he was able to hunker diwn to bed so quickly, "Yeah?"

"Do you think mom liked the rain too?" Dad and unkle Wheezy had mentioned that their mother wasn't too fond of thunder a few times, but thunder and lightning were different... Maybe she had something in common with mom.

Finally tearing her gaze away from the window, Penelope looked over to the other side of the room, where Percival, in his own bed, was. The little weasel rubbed his eyes and blinked them into focus before he shrugged, "Maybe... Dad likes the rain, and they did a lot together. So she probably did."

"Yeah. That's right..."

Penny nodded, though Percival noticed how she looked to be frowning. He sighed, knowing exactly what she was thinking. It was something they both thought about, especially on days like this. How everyone they knew got to know their mother... Except each other.

Wordlessly, the kit crawled out of his bed and walked over to his sisters side of the room. He did hop on the bed with her, but he did reach over to hug her, which she returned silently. Neither of them spoke a word. They were young, but they still knew each other best.

"... I'm gonna get a glass of water." Penny decided after a moment, pulling away from the sibling embrace and sliding off of her bed easily. Percy decided to follow her. It sounded like they could use a drink- as their unkle Smarty would say.

The trip to the kitchen was relatively short. It wasn't even too bad when they had to get creative to reach the glasses in the cupboard; usually, dad got the cups down for them, but he wasn't around. So Penny just climbed onto the counter like she had seen dad do sometimes and passed down her brother the cups. They had done this trick a lot, much to their family's detriment.

Percival could only hear the rain pouring down onto the roof. Though he was reminded that he wasn't the twin that inherited their mothers hearing when Penelopes ears twitched and tilted towards a direction. He followed confusedly after her when she started walking towards the front door, "What is it?"

The rabbit child's ears were pointed toward the door, before her bright blue eyes widened, and she hopped onto the couch closest to the front window. Percy followed suit, searching for whatever it was that she heard. When he saw the familiar figure sitting on the porch, his eyebrows shot up to his forehead, "Shiny?"

"She was supposed to go home, right?"

The two shared a look. Silently asking the other the same question; listen? Or go back to bed?

...

In that secret language only siblings could understand, the two agree to creep back towards the front door and crack it open. Just a tad; not enough for Shiny to hear them, buy enough for them to listen to what she was saying.

Or rather, singing, "Shiny can sing??"

"Shh!"

Lucky for the twins, the rain was loud enough in Shiny's ears to block out any other sound. Honestly it was a wonder she hadn't gone deaf from countless night in the past dancing along loud bands... Her heart ache might have had a hand in her lack of focus now, too.

The weasel gritted her teeth and tugged at some hair strands- which was getting wetter by the minute. Including her clothes and fur. But she just couldn't give a damn now. Besides, it allowed her to pretend that the tears streaming down her cheeks were just raindrops, "Who am I now in this world without her!? Petty and dull with the nerve to doubt her..."

Poppy was always naive; she always wanted and hoped for the best in this wretched world. But that didn't mean she was dumb. Poppy had faced her own suffering in her life, and she always looked out for the people around her, no matter how awful they truly were. The way she treated her criminal friends, how she treated her, was proof of that. Shiny knew that she could always trust the rabbit because of it. And that was what made Poppy stand out to her out of everyone in her life, and what she had loved the most about her.

But nowadays... She still loved Poppy, and she loved the twins. But sometimes, Shiny wondered what would have happened if she had tried to discourage Poppy from more of the choices she had made. Would it have been worth being more controlling if it meant Poppy would be alive now?

The singer shook her head at that, knowing in her heart that that kind of thinking was wrong. Besides, it's not like it would change anything, so what was the point? "What does it matter? It's already done. Now I've got to be there for her kin..."

From the front door, Penny and Perry couldn't believe their ears, and even shared a look. As if they had to verify with the other that what they were hearing was really real. Their aunt had always told them that she and their mother were close, but she never said anything about this. She never looked this sorrowful talking about their mom. She was always so cheery and strong; had she been hiding this from them all along? "Percy...?"

Their shared thoughts stopped in their tracks when Percy noticed Shiny standing up from the porch, and quickly gestured to his sister. The kits ducked behind the door, just in case she had planned on going back inside, or was about to glance behind her. They stayed there, holding their breaths, until they heard their godmother's voice again. Louder, almost yelling, and more strained this time. Like she was cracking under the weight of what she said next, "It's over, isn't it!? Isn't it!? Isn't it over!?"

They both flinched from their hiding spots, feeling the pain that Shiny carried through her voice. They slowly peeked back outside once they deemed it safe, and could see Shiny now stood up from the porch and off the steps, standing fully in the pouring rain now. It was hard to see with how dark it was, but it looked like she was trembling even. All Penny and Percy could do was continue to listen. It was all they knew what to do now.

The weasel felt like she was going to crack under the weight of all her pent-up emotions. Her breath huffing out all shaky and fists clenched so tight by her sides. She felt so weak right now, on her own, but all she wanted was to scream and shout and punch a pillow. Or better yet, a wall. Her vision felt blurry, and not just because of the tears in her eyes, and she wasn't even thinking about all of the painful memories like before. Right now, even though it felt so hard to do, all she could do was take in one long breath, and scream into the sky with all the heartbreak that she had pushed down all these years, "You won, and she chose you! And she loved you! Now she's gone!"

...

That's it. There was no turning back now. She couldn't take it back now. Or fault the ears of anyone who may have been listening. Blinking away raindrops and tears, as if that final scream had taken her voice, all Shiny could manage now was a soft, pained tune, "It's over, isn't it? Why can't I move on...?"

Quiet sobs escaped her lips as her head fell, now staring at the muddy ground. Her shoulders shook with her crying, but that didn't stop her from wrapping her arms around herself, trying to find some way to find warmth and comfort now, "It's over, isn't it? Why can't I move on?"

Letting out everything she had locked away didn't help in the slightest; all it left was cold emptiness. At least, that's what it felt like now. At least no one was here to see her like this...

"Shiny?"

Her eyes grew wide, and a gasp escaped her before she whipped back around towards the doorway. Seeing the two she had hoped would never see this side of her was bad enough, but seeing the utter confusion and worry on the twins' faces, worry they shouldn't have to feel for her, made her heart sink even further than it had. How much did they hear? "O-Oh! Hey, guys... Shouldn't you be asleep...?"

Usually, the kids would have some witty excuse, or at least what they thought was clever, and act innocent. It would make Shiny laugh every time before she called them out on their mischief and sent them back on the right path- doing whatever it was they were supposed to be doing. But now? Stepping fully outside and onto the porch in their pajamas, Penny and Percy didn't answer her. At least not with words. Though the many questions that they didn't ask- or didn't even know where to start- were clear as day in their wide, sad eyes.

They heard it all. Or at least enough. Enough where she couldn't make up a lie to distract them. Not that that would have stopped them. They were persistent little kits.

And now, because she couldn't keep a damn lid on herself, wasn't strong enough to keep it together, Shiny had no choice but to reveal the complete truth, "... I... Kids, I..."

But where does one even start?

I really wanted to add Psycho's reaction as well. But I couldn't figure out how to write it in while making it flow with the story. I'm kinda afraid that adding the twins in this already jumbled the flow of the drabble a bit- but I haven't written them yet, and wanted to try 😅

He is in the backyard, so I don't know if he could even hear her sorrow... Though maybe he came back inside last minute?

But anyways! I hope you like this answer, and I apologize for taking so long XD let me know what you think! ^^

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chromaji · 10 months

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HEY, every time I go to your itch page I get choice paralysis cuz all your games killer, which one should I start with?

(I literally end up on your itch page, like, once every two weeks, and I finally decided to bite the bullet and just ask)

HOWDYYY

Most of my games aren’t connected except for Tower of the Starblessed & Seeking J:USTICE, but it doesnt matter which of those two you choose first. Seeking J:USTICE does take place after TotS, though.

If I were to say an order for all my games… I suppose you could play the games in order of release date! Or in the time it takes to complete the game!

For reference:

Grand Core Release (first release 2017): A demo that takes about 30-45 minutes. A mercenary named Ishtar goes into a cave to purify a Corrupted Dragon.

Call of the Overseer (first release 2021): A demo that takes about 90 minutes. Six people (three in the demo) get teleported to an unfamiliar, snowy land. They team up to try and learn where they are, find a way out, etc…

Tower of the Starblessed (released 2021): A complete game that takes about 30 minutes. Two guys, Zeiss and Apollo, find a long-fabled tower that’s said to hold something in it that can grant wishes. They climb up, hoping to grant their wishes at the top…

Seeking J:USTICE (released 2022): A complete game that takes about 4-5 hours. A self-proclaimed freelancer named Kes, who likes to help others, offers to help a courier find a book that was stolen from her. …This turns out to be slightly more than she anticipated.

The Null Slumber (first release 2023): A demo that takes about 1 hour. A game about various default/cover art/battlers/etc characters throughout the RPG Maker engines going into a tower to rescue Harold (from rpg maker mv).

One Final Burial* (first release 2023): A demo that takes about 50 minutes. A scout is tasked with investigating a building after a burst of energy was detected from it. He meets a mysterious man who seems to know what exactly caused the energy spike, and plans to stop it.

Aaand those are all my games! If you feel like it, lemme know what you think of em! …This goes for anyone reading this & is interested in playing my games too 🧍‍♂️🫵

* = As of writing this, One Final Burial is only on rmn . net. Once it’s complete (hoping by the end of this month… hoping), I’ll be adding it to my itchio page.

#asks #everyone… behold.. my babies.#i dont advertise my games enough bshhgh

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mynameispluto · 1 year

Text

Its like 2:30 in the morning and im tired and need to get up in a couple hours, but i really want to ramble about this idea about accessibility in art that i talked about with my therapist

For the longest time ive struggled with constant feelings of art block, burn out, and just overall no interest in my passions, and it got to a point where i just felt like i had to accept it, even tho there was still this desire to create underneath all the exhaustion

It wasnt until a few days ago, where i was like "im really bored, lets make one of those really really simple animation/edit memes cuz why not" and then i actually made it, which was super surprising cuz i never finish anything, and i was like,, so happy that i made something

Animation has always been a passion of mine, like SUPER MEGA BIG TIME passion, specifically with frame by frame stuff, but everytime i go to try to animate anything, no matter how short or simple it is, i can never finish it which leaves me feeling, well, terrible all around

I would fall into thoughts like "look at these people on youtube making beautiful animations, i should be able to do that" "I know how to animate, but why doesnt anything come out?" ect, and it would leave me feeling constantly like, worried about how people perceived me as an artist

But then i made this silly little animation meme, and suddenly something clicked

I can't make (XYZ) cuz its just not accessible to me right now

Which felt weirdly nice to come to that realization? i can make stuff, its just that the things im trying to force myself to make arent the things i should be making, they dont fit my needs, and im making them more to please other people than myself

Like, i would LOVE to be able to pump out disney quality 2d animations, with full colors and everything, but thats just not realistic for me, but that doesnt mean i cant make anything

Or like, i hate doing line art so much, so i just decided to stop doing it?? Ya know???

I feel like as artists we really become slaves to these imaginary rules that dont actually exist, that one way or another we internalized along the way, whether intentionally or not, especially in the age of the internet where any one person can just say whatever and it almost instantly becoming the popular opinion

Those rules dont exist, there are no rules in art, do whatever

If making a character bob its head to 30 seconds of music is what you can comfortably do, and it makes you happy, then do it

If drawing a 3/4s angle of the same character over and over again is what you can do, do it

If trying to be consistent is a pain in the ass for you, then fuck consistency!!

MAKING YOUR ART ACCESSIBLE TO YOU IS NOT YOU BEING LAZY

Art doesnt have to exist to be impressive

#text #thoughts #mental health #art #artwork #artists on tumblr #artist #accessibility #disability #not to mention the financial differences different artists can have #people can produce better stuff younger cuz they were able to access the tools to do so a lot younger #just look at the flipnote kids

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rzyraffek · 1 year

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Oh, oh! I got one!

okay okay, so, don’t feel pressured to write this if you do t want to, but what about slashers (Vincent Sinclair, Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees, anyone else you wanna add) with a s/o who gets really distracted? Like, in the middle of doing something that should be simple, they zone out and forget what they were doing. (I have really bad ADHD so that’s why I’m asking-)

like, they even have to remind their s/o to take medicine and just nudges to get them back on track-

idk, do what you will with that idea, and again, thank u for ur time!!

btw, u look amazing today!!

You too look amazing today! Thanks for request! Why is everyone so spooked of requesting, the worst thing I can do is not answer🥰

Slashers with s/o that gets distracted A LOT

Sinclair Vincent

Imagine, s/o is in Vince workplace first time, he probably wants to turn them into wax figure, he leaves room for one second to grab some tools. Boom s/o is just walking around judging his wax figurines

Mans gonna be like 🧍in corridor when they are just amused by how cute and pretty some of those lil figurines are🥰

After they get along, Vince really enjoys slow walks thrue gallery or just near area, cuz its very pretty and there's no Bo screaming like child

He saw some pretty leaves, he went to pick them up so he can show them to s/o. He turn around... where.. where are they??!?!? Huuh did they leave him?? Dude will be overthinking hard. But after few minutes of looking for them, they just kinda spawn behind him "hey vince look i found this cool as rocks and then I saw deer's and I kinda fallowed them to this dope river come see!"they just grab his hand and lead him :(tbh vince was this close to mental break down, now he always holds hands

Myers Micheal

My dude is about to buy one of those backpack leashes that some parents have. He's like 80years young, ain't no way he's going to run around city looking for some guy who just saw pretty butterfly and almost got hit by a car 5times.

To be honest they should be ones making sure he won't just walk of and get lost in Forest judging by his age

When he notice that s/o didnt take their daily medicine he just takes it and slams it on desk/table next to them or just throws it at them! Take the pills dummy!

S/o calling him 'heya mickey im lost pick me up' happends twice per week. Really s/o be more careful pls

Voorhees Jason

If you thought that Vincent panicked? Oh this guy will have mental breakdown, cry and then search whole place

In forests signal sucks so they can't call him and screams won't do much cuz echo and Jason is mute so he cant yell back anyways

He won't buy leash but he will hold their hand 24/7 nuh uh you cant go run after those deers, no you can't go swimming we know what happend in 1957

Now he has ptsd and evertime he wakes up and doesn't see s/o in his eyesight he instantly thinks that she's in difrent country or dead

Heelshire Brahms

This dude knows the whole mansion no way he loses them here right?

Jokes on you brahms they are already on the other side of it

Even tho they are in closed space, which is safe and very known to Brahms it doesnt stop his abandment issues and... idk he has a lot of issues tbh. No matter how long he knows s/o he's is 100% sure that they are trying to leave.

He will probably speed run thrue corridors screaming their name and he just stubbles across them just watching paitinings on walls "this you? You were ugly ass baby" "WHERE WERE YOU" "I saw funny rats and i wondered where they have secret cheese hideout" "rats?😰" (its a reference to my old fic where brahms was beaten up by rats and now hes spooked of them)

He has calendar with highlighted date everyday they have to take pills and how many so every morning when s/o wakes up they see his face like few centimetres away from theirs, with aggressive eye contact holding pills "it is time my love" " oh :("

I added brahms cuz hes goofy, have wonderful day person reading this!! And never be spooked to ask for headcanons! We love that

#slasher x reader #slasher headcanons #brahms heelsire #brahms x reader #micheal myers #micheal myers x reader #vincent x reader #vincent sinclair x reader #vincent sinclair #house of wax #halloween ends #the boy 2016 #brahms the boy #jason vorhees headcanon #jason voorhees #jason vorhees x reader

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ruminate88 · 3 months

Text

Actually, believing in yourself:

This is hard for me, because I grew up in school being told I had a learning disability, and I had zero confidence. I never felt smart enough to do stuff…… My mom worked very hard to reprogram my brain to get me out of that abuse! She tried so hard to get me to do things on my own, and I admit, I made it hard for her as I was afraid, sometimes to do things on my own, not feeling like I could do it……

so I don’t believe in myself like I should and I don’t feel confident at all! I don’t feel strong I feel very very weak! Forgiving and getting over my ex Andrew, who I believe emotionally abused me has been terribly hard because I just don’t believe in myself I just feel so weak and vulnerable. I feel ashamed that I’m still sad over him. I feel ashamed that I can’t stop thinking about him… people from the outside that don’t know me and hear my story, complement how strong I am, and I’ll be honest I don’t feel strong at all 😣 I feel so stupid! I know Andrew doesn’t have that much power over me… Although some moments it does feel like he has full control even all these years later, because he won’t leave my mind! no matter where I am or what I’m doing even no matter the situation, no matter who I’m talking to; in the back of my mind I hear his name over AND OVER, “Andrew Andrew Andrew you miss Andrew you love Andrew why doesnt Andrew love you back?” this voice inside of me calling out my name saying “you miss Andrew sooo much this sucks! you love him!!!! you want him but you can’t have him!!!!! you’re not good enough for him!!!!! you’ll never be good enough for him….. He hates your guts so much and used you, he tricked you so good! he played a game with you. He messed with your head. He thinks you’re stupid.” Ugggggggh 😣 it’s a constant war in my head and I laugh out loud because laughing is the only thing that helps me push through the thoughts!!!!

I dance, I scream, I cry; I pray, I roll up in a ball and over think, I binge watch old tv sitcoms trying to laugh and drown out the thoughts for Andrew.

I say over and over “I can forgive him and I wont text him cuz I don’t wanna disrupt both of our current lives. I don’t wanna cause worse problems.” So I get up and try to walk forward but then when I do walk outside, something ALWAYS reminds me of Andrew or I think I see him. I even think I see him driving next to me on the road and I suddenly go back into the many thoughts of “it’s never gonna be over, you miss Andrew still.” But it is going to be over!!! I don’t know the exact moment or the prayer it will take BUT these thoughts will not win!!!!

if I can leave the relationship and keep myself from texting Andrew, the next step is only to block out the thoughts and work through my many emotions! I CAN do it but I know I’ll push back. I know I’ll give myself a hard time and I might even kick and cry like a child but I WILL overcome this problem. I want it to just happen now and be over with but life doesn’t work that way. Sometimes you gotta really toughen up and also the lessons and the wisdom you will gain in the situation will be more valuable than you know!!!

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this-should-do · 9 months

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write the alyx essays 👁️

okay sorry for htis taking liek literal months to get to im insane and frightful, anyways so alyx and guilt and frankly like most of my perception of her and her place in teh world as part of hte last generation, obvs under the cut cuz this shit is so fucking long

so alyx grew up watching the adults, especially eli her parent, constantly stressed, even if they try to cover it up or act less scared in certain ways for her, they simply cant. not only becuz there is no way for a parent to hide those worries completely in a time and place such as living under the combine, but also children are extrodinarily good at picking up their parents and care takers emotions. So alyx is no matter what going to be watching eli and co under chronic stress and anxiety and thats going to rub off on her because how could it not. and shes also going to be stressed on her own terms because she as a kid is not stupid and can see the horrible things that are going ot happen around her and to her. Whether she spends a majority of her childhood is in the outlands or in the cities.

And this type of anxiety affects children (and adults) immensely. And shes bound to feel helpless and guilty becuase she cant help, shes a child. And thats going to follow her as she gets older.

When we know her, shes incredibly competant and compassionate. She cares about the people around her and tries her best to help. We see her go to hell and back to save her dad four times. And she goes even further in hla to get who she thinks is gordon in order to help the world. We also see how fast she grows fond of gordon and russell, and while in terms of writing its so tht the player will grow attached to her (and russell when we play as alyx), in universe i think its a combo of what both gordon and russell do for her and just how quickly she can grow attached to people around her. Shes incredidly warm and affectionate to those around her, showing physical affection on multiple occasions. And I feel like this could be part of a way she copes with the harshness of the world around her and the constant loss she would be experiencing, shell love harder and easier to ensure that she has a family around her and makes sure that the family she does have knows that she loves them becuase they could disappear at any time. (and as a side note i feel like this is a common sight ot see among the last generation, and another common sight is seeing people disconnecting from teh world around them so that they cant lose anything since they never had anyone to begin with. ofc there are going to be a spectrum of coping, but i can easily see these as being two sides of a spectrum of coping)

so i think the guilt that alyx is gong to feel is going to be made tenfold when eli becomes the face and leader of the resistance because there is going to be at least some form of weight on her shoulders to continue that and live up to his image and to continue what he started should he die. Becuase why wouldnt she want to? Someone would have to so why not her. And theres also the continued guilt of eli continually being under stress, so shes going to work herself to the bone to ensure that he has less to worry about, and that hes well. And we see this in practice where she dotes on him in ep2 and immediately goes to get tea for him when he asks.

We also see her guilt when she cant help in ep2 as well when shes still recovering from dying. she shouldnt have to feel like that, and while it would be a normal reaction perhaps to not being able to help when you normally could, but i feel like its another symptom of her feeling the need to constantly be helpful to others and to make things easier forthose around her and to help stop teh combine becuase if she doesnt then the combine will win and people will die.

We see this in ep1 that she will continue to search for people others think are dead when shes looking for gordon. Shes probably been searching for at least the rest of the evening til morning since the end of hl2, even when eli is certain that she wont find gordon, but she does anyway. and the relief when she sees gordon is immense she immediately hugs him. It s a perfect example of how easily attached she gets to people and how intensely she feels to need to help and save people.

so i think alyx is outwardly compassionate and caring 90% of the time not despite how deeply stressed and guilty shes bound to feel seeing sucha horrible world and only knowign that world not only becuz she is that kind of person but also becuase of her stress adn guilt. She uses those horrible feelings to fuel her compassion as best she can compulsively, she cant rest on her laurrels with those feelings when she could be making the world better, even if its detrimental to her own well being at times. She cares a lot and even when she feels scared or upset she tries to power through it to make the situation easier for those around her so that she might feel less guilty for letting others suffer. and i feel like at least some small degree of this principal is shown in how absolutely insane (positive) she is when shes riding shotgun, she whoops and hollers as if shes having the time of her life being chased by a hunter chopper. And in some way i think she tries to cope as well with the stress by having fun, we see her do this as well in hla with russell where when shes stressed she tries to focus on someting funny or nice, at least in downtime when it wouldnt be distracting to the player. shes porbably scared out of her mind just as much as any person but shes also tryign to have fun and i feel like thats a similar externalization of negative feelings being transformed into positive feelings both for her own and others benefit as her being guilty and stressed by helping others.

anyways this has been long and rambly, but i just really think alyx has spent a life time feeling scared and stressed and helpless while watching those around ehr feel the same. and then she internalized it and felt guilt that she couldnt help and has over her life time has externalized those feelings and tried to make them feel better by loving and helping in anyway she can becuase that is someting she can do

#ask #ponderingradioactivedecay #hiiii miza and anon sorrt this took so long lol

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cutlikediamonds · 11 months

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weekends have always sucked i think. growing up it meant being stuck with the family all weekend, but i wasnt able to articulate that i hated it at the time. i wasnt aware enough to realize that i was so overstimulated and overwhelmed by them. im the youngest, and they all say im mature for my age, but it hasnt always been like that. when i was still too young to have a consistent idea of my role here i was the sensitive one. i was always being pushed to an outburst because someone was pushing my buttons and i didnt know how to tell them to stop and id just cry. and then its that patronizing older sibling consoling where they mostly just dont want mom to hear that im crying, or i move on from it but theres ‘jokes’ for the rest of the night about how sensitive i am. its funny that that turned into me being the one notorious for not crying ever and being less wildly emotional than everyone else. anyway.

then the weekends sucked because it was too hard to restrict during them. i didnt have the school structure and mom was home to cook more like big breakfasts or meals shed be too tired for in the week. then at college the weekends sucked because i was bored and had to confront the fact that i really need to learn how to reach out to people when i want company because waiting for when i am obligated to see them doesnt work anymore, but id feel annoying.

now weekends still suck. i think i sleep in harder here when everyones off work, my version of getting the early part of the day to myself since i cant actually get it. but it doesnt really work, i still feel shitty and overwhelmed when i wake up.

im realizing this post isnt super ed based. my point is its the weekend and it sucks.

my brother and i did arm exercises outside today. i really really tried to take it as the invitation to spend time together that it was and not the disordered shit it also was. then i hated myself because ive been doing arm workouts secretly already but it was him just starting out and i liked that i was less tired than him. stupid. stupid.

i also just weighed myself even though i ate like a couple hours ago, which i always mentally scold them for doing (right in front of me by the way, because of where the scale happens to be in the house - which does not make me feel great when i usually ate the same time they did and now i have to think about my weight).

also earlier i asked my mom to grab me some splenda packets while she was out for me. she started passively telling me i should use real sugar instead and not the stuff they test on rats. and heres the thing, shes like totally right and i know that, but i was so mad in that moment. she was talking to me the way she talked to my older siblings when shes trying to nudge them to check to calories on something or whatever, that tone ive always hated, but shes never used it on me before. maybe cuz im ‘the skinny one’ or dont talk to her about weight and dieting as much but either way, she never uses it on me. it also bugged me because splenda is one of those ‘safe’ habits from my eating disorder that i cant fully shake no matter how far i get in a recovery phase - theres a few of those. ill always use splenda, ill always use small utensils, ill always drink the diet versions of drinks, ill always take the stairs next to the escalators. just small ingrained things that i know logically are unhealthy but, you gotta pick your battles yknow. as long as im eating three meals a day and not going too crazy over that, i dont really give a fuck if i still use the splenda packets instead of real sugar yknow? but i dont know. it bugged me.

about a year ago i went off my meds without telling anyone. i know it was a big thing, but i kinda cant remember it right now. its weird how memory does that. i remember talking and thinking about it a lot and crying a lot, it was a whole event, when i got found out. but i dont know i cant really remember it right now, and it was only a year ago. im only kinda thinking about it cuz i have been off them for like what a day or two? only out of laziness and forgetfulness, but of course now that im here im at that stage where i feel the urge to never take them again and i dont have the sound mind to really even like,, think through the decision. which i think is what happened last time. i went off them by accident, realized it, thought ‘well wait, should i just keep going or take them again?’ and then didnt have the mental clarity to answer myself so i just kept not taking them until shit got bad.

okay, i do remember being asked why i went off them, i remember that. and i remember not really having an answer. i kinda went along with an only kinda true reason of ‘they made me feel weird’ or ‘they made me feel spaced out’ when it was probably more accurate to say ‘i just wanted to do something to feel in control again.’

maybe thats why i want to now. part of me is like, relapsing into an ed isnt even like special in this house, its not enough for me to do that.

another thing is that even though i know correlation doesnt equal causation or whatever, i am painfully aware of the fact that i havent really lost a lot of weight in that ed way since ive been on meds andddd i wanna relapse lol.

im running out of mental steam writing this, my brain is a bit foggy. so i should stop i think.

tomorrow theres a barbecue or something at my aunts house, i think ill ask my mom if i can stay home. ive never done that before but. shell say yes. and i desperately need to feel like i live alone for a moment. i need to mentally prepare for my summer class starting this week and i havent had the chance to yet. i also dont wanna have to eat food i didnt prepare around people who trigger me and who im constantly masking around. not an ideal scenario you feel me

ok.. talk later ig lol

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