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Dearest - ★ By August
Inspired by - Deep End by Birdy
Ripped and torn. A feeling I never felt until she came apart of your life. Everything’s changed. I, myself, changed. You changed. I know it’s apart of life, but I can’t seem to let go because we were once happy. We were happy until I fell quiet. Until I was silenced. Until someone else came and made you happier. She’s more like you. I know she’s better than I am. If it was just me, you would’ve been unhappy for so much longer. I know you just want to make it. You just want to get out of this city. I hope you’ll survive these years. You’ve made it to now, so please keep going. I can’t give you what you need. I wish I could. I care so so much even if I can’t show it anymore. Even if I never shown you who I actually am, I can still smile and say I was there. I’m sorry I never shown you my true self. I was ashamed and I was scared you’d leave. To be honest, I hope you’ll be the first to leave because I’m too scared to say goodbye. I’m a coward, aren’t I? It’s okay. I was brave enough to be there for those times where you couldn’t stand on your own two feet. I will be here until you won’t need my support, until you have someone else to carry your burdens. Thank you for giving me a purpose to be in your life. I love you, my dearest friend.
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Normal? - ★ By August
Inspired by AVO TOAST by Clinton Kane, myself
“What’s normal to you?”
“What’re you?”
“What do you think is normal? What’s normal?”
Therapy. A place where you go to ease into the inner cries nobody else couldn’t hear but you. This is a conversation I had with my therapist. I was thrown into therapy without making a decision. Without making a sound, like always.
My life isn’t normal. I know it. This isn’t how normal people live. This isn’t how I picture it. Normal people don’t trample and hurt constantly. Constant. How funny. Put it on a graph and it’s one, straight line that’ll never stop unless you make a change.
I’m not normal. Of course I’m not. Nobody knows what’s normal and nobody knows what is perfect. I wish I did so I could fit in their puzzle. I wish I could grasp what they hold, but I can’t. I’m still here, trying to hold on when I’m about to tumble. It’s like I’m playing tug of war with who hurt me. Even myself is on the other side, against me. Me versus me. What a tragedy. Why am I so quiet? This is my normal. I wish I was someone else. Maybe if I wasn’t silenced, then I would be normal. Their normal.
Why do we decide what’s normal? No, they get to decide what’s normal. Why is the definition of normal already decided? I’ve been trying to figure it out. Why do the people who have the so called standard body get to decide what’s normal? Normal is normal and I’m me. Unfortunately, I am not normal. They don’t see normal because they decided that I’m not normal.
I didn’t get a choice in what’s normal. I’m just not normal. Our normality is decided by the people around us and we just agree. The world isn’t black and white. I guess we’re too blind to see, too.
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Headphones & My Goodbye - ★ By August
Inspired by Pancakes for Dinner by Lizzy McAlpine
I like wearing my headphones while I am in the car. I can’t drive, but I can muffle the world to be in my own. The reason I wear my headphones in the car isn’t solely because I like to.
Cars are the most dangerous transportation, so, it’s most likely to end up in a car crash. Listening to music, I go numb. I forget to react and I forget I’m there. If I’m in a crash, then at least I’ll react at the last second and die, leaving the world behind. I will only remember the short pain after my death, my goodbye.
I want to live life the fullest with you. Is it mutual? Do you want to go out on a picnic while you lay on my lap as we admire the view? Do you want to joke around in a library and laugh so hard that we cry and choke without even thinking about studying for our next test? Do you want to cuddle under my blue comforter and watch our favorite show? Do you want to go on a simple date where we just hold hands and walk downtown? I do. I certainly do, but I want to hear all of it from you and only you. Let’s die together.
I always want to hear your voice, so I’ll never wear my headphones around you. If you’re there with me, then I want to be out in a world where it’s just you and me. If we crash tonight, then I hope that the last thing I hear before my end is “I love you with all my heart,” coming from you, your honest heart, and nobody else. I want to hear a goodbye so I could smile before I go. Then again, I won’t get to live that life with you.
Thank you for being there until my end, my goodbye. Goodbye, my love who never was mine.
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Us - ★ By August
Inspired by my love life
My girlfriend doesn’t like physical touch.
I don’t cross her boundaries or anything like that, I just wish I could hold her the way I visualize it in my head. I want to cradle her in my arms and kiss her but it isn’t necessary.
My love language is physical touch but I am capable of loving her differently and I can still touch her. I can hug her. I can play with her hair. I can hold her hand. I can kiss her on the head. I can still feel her, just not the way I wish I could. But that doesn’t mean I’m missing something. There’s no void that she needs to fill. I love her the way she is.
We’re learning. We’re still new which means we’ll get there someday, it’s just not now. We’re getting there. It’s small but I can tell. It’s like a cat getting used to a new home.
I’ll still miss her the same. I’ll still love her the same. She’s my girlfriend, for God’s sake. I can still show her I love her by writing notes and drawing us together.
Regardless, I love her the way she is. We don’t need to kiss like there’s no tomorrow to love each other, we just need each other to love. It’s okay if it’s not like the books, it’s just us. That’s how it is.
That’s what makes us.
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Sharing Clothes - ★ By August
Inspired by My Favourite Clothes by RINI
! Light Swearing
They are your love and you can’t believe it. The both of you started dating a year ago and you love them so much. You just want to feel them everywhere you go, which is why you love wearing their clothes, even if they don’t fit.
Right now, you snuggle each other in their bed. You lay there on their chest, in their green t-shirt.
“Hey, love?”
“Hm?”
Their voice is raspy and tired. God, it’s so attractive that you can’t help feeling flustered.
“Nevermind, I just wanted to hear your voice.”
“Is that actually true? I know that you back out from asking questions a lot. I pay attention, you know.”
You hesitate. You don’t know if you should speak, but you do.
“Why me?”
“Why you?”
“Like, why are you dating someone like me?”
“Like you? You are you. That’s why.”
It’s so blunt. You want to know. You really want to know why he’s here with you, where you fit in each other’s bodies.
…
“Okay, I’ll give you an actual answer.”
They know me so well.
“You gave me the stars before we even realized what we felt for each other. You lit a spark in me that I never knew existed. You understood that I’m just ordinary. You noticed that I was always angry when we met. God, you read me like a book. It’s probably because you are like me, too. We were people who cared so much for society’s opinion that we waited for it. Hear me again, you gave me the stars before we even realized what we felt. You give out so much love for others. You don’t stand out yet you shine like a star yourself. You gave me you.You brought me out to you. I love you a lot. I’m yours and I will be here until you don’t want me to be here with you anymore. I know I sometimes struggle to give you what you need but you give me what I need. I need you. You reminded me to breathe. You gave me a reason to breathe.”
Are they being real? Holy shit.
They move and the bedding rustles.
You search your mind for something to say.
“Don’t move. Please don’t move. Let me say what I want to say,” was what you wanted to say but a single word pops out your mouth.
“Stay.”
They stay.
“I know it’s hard for me what I want to say. I want you to know that without you, I won’t shine so bright. So I hope you won’t mind finishing the puzzle. Stay with me. You are my favorite person and I want you to stay that way. So, please. I need you. I love you.”
“I’m here.”
You feel amazed by how this person is yours. You remember that this is the love of life.
How in the actual fuck.
You go quiet for a little bit. You hear them speak under their breath, but you don’t hear. You just know that they’re yours.
“Can I take this shirt home with me?”
Please, that’s so random. I know they love my random.
“As long you’re the only one who’s going to wear it.”
“You’re stupid. Of course it’s going to be me, dummy.”
“Yeah, but that makes you a dummy, too.”
You burst out of laughter.
What a stupid reason to laugh.
You’re laughing into their chest. You love them. You breathe and sigh as if you’re in a movie. They certainly make you feel like you’re in a movie. You greatly hope that it ends like this. The both of you together.
“Thank you for sharing your clothes with me.”
…
“And your love.” You say
“I love you.”
“I really love you.”
You go on having an ‘I love you battle’ until you pull them in for a kiss and fall asleep in each other’s arm. You lay there in their chest wearing the same t-shirt they wore the first day you met. You love wearing their clothes, especially their green t-shirt.
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