twentyseventonothing

[twentyseventonothing]

Strangers

I don't want to fight anymore. I'm so tired, I'm tired of fighting for you, fighting against you.

I didn't want you to know I was hurt today. I don't think you care actually. You probably only care about how hurt you are, how annoyed you are. It's always been that way.

You ask me if I think you can change. No, I don't think so. I've almost given up all hope that you would change. I thought the past month would be the chance for you to make these changes, yet the movement was minimal. You say I can't expect change overnight. Yet, these are things I have been saying for 5 years. That's not overnight, is it? This is me waiting for 5 years and giving up.

It's probably easy for you, you can sleep off your problems, but I can't. My head is noisy, with thoughts of things I shouldn't have done. It's so noisy, it woke me up in the middle of the night and I can't go back to sleep. You'll probably get by your week, in the relief that you don't have to deal with this. For your sake, I will pretend everything is fine, that I'm fine. Like I always do. Because it's always about making sure that you are ok, that you are not overwhelmed, and that you are not miserable. It's you, for you, everything is you, you, you, you, you.

You asked if I wanted to break up, and I wanted to say yes, but it was so hard. Saying yes is accepting that I'm giving up on you. It was confirmation that we both made the wrong choice to be with each other and that we wasted 5 years of each others' lives. On the other hand, saying yes would have been freedom. For the both of us, for you to be single and do whatever you want. And maybe for me to find someone who would hold my hand unprompted even after 5 years.

#diary

[twentyseventonothing]

Good luck then

Every moment just reminds me of how much I pour out for you in being excited about the things that happen in your life, and how nonchalant you are about mine.

Well good luck to you too, and your future endeavours.

Somedays I can't believe I let a boy who doesn't even know what he wants 99% of the time, determine my self-worth. What is this hold that you have over me?

#diary

[twentyseventonothing]

“You are going to be so much more than ‘enough’ for someone someday.”

— Unknown

[twentyseventonothing]

when hands touch..

[twentyseventonothing]

they’re serving looks

[twentyseventonothing]

I have one brain cell and it bounces around in my skull like a windows screen saver. When it bounces perfectly in the corner i experience a Thought.

[twentyseventonothing]

sally rooney, beautiful world where are you

[twentyseventonothing]

Fyodor Dostoevsky ― The Brothers Karamazov

[twentyseventonothing]

I asked you if there was someone else, and you said no. So you're lack of effort probably just means that things are fading. You're clearly no longer in love, why are you lying about it? Why are you just letting me go? Why do you have to drag me along into you abyss of uncertainties, only to leave me anxious and gasping for air?

I have done so much for you which I am embarrassed of. My younger self would look at me and scoff at how desperate I've become. I went from cold-heartedly rejecting a boy that was so in love with me, he would sing to me in public, and buy a rose from a street vendor (oh what I would do for that romance right now), to begging someone to hold my hand, only for them to never do it even after I've asked so many times I've lost count.

J, if you ever see this, I know you've happily moved on now. I wished things between us worked out better. I was scared of how things could have been, I guess. But maybe if I had met you now, rather than all those years ago, things would have been different. I've missed you as a friend, every day since. I miss our daily pun battles, and how you were willing to be there for me no matter how silly my problems were. I miss how I would fearlessly be myself around you, I miss when you used to video call me just to show me your silly pets. I miss how you paid attention, and even remembered the smallest detail. Most of all, I miss how you made me feel. I didn't realise it was something so rare.

“I had always been in love with him…He had been my almost, my might have been, and I did not want to leave him.”

— Alice Sebold, The Lovely Bones

#diary

[twentyseventonothing]

“Fallen Angel”, by Roberto Ferri.

[twentyseventonothing]

[twentyseventonothing]

Thank you for fucking it up

It's so strange isn't it. I really didn't think it I would be counting down to the last 30 days of being together.

It's painful and hard of course. I guess you don't really realise how much you love someone until you're trying to rip off the hold that they have on your heart.

You don't seem too bothered by the 30 days, maybe you're looking forward to this ending? Maybe you're just using me as someone to rant to while you have me for these 30 days? I don't know, but I do feel very used. The priority is always how you're miserable, and how you feel. About how you're annoyed, and your life is a mess.

My concerns, my opinions and my worries always take the backseat. And somehow you never realise that. Do you remember how I used to talk a lot in the car? I don't anymore, because you once told me I was too noisy in cars. You remember how I used to plan activities for your birthday? I stopped for a year because you said these activities didn't matter to you. Stopped initiating outdoor activities because you hate being sweaty, stopped going out much because you hate crowds.

When have we ever gone to the beach, or had a picnic despite the many times I've said I want to do these things? When have we ever done a painting jam, because I wanted to?

We go toy hunting, we play board games, we stay in, we watch shows you want to watch, because any show I recommend gets an immediate no. When do we watch walking dead together? When you want to, not when I want to watch an episode together.

Sometimes I feel like I could literally be on a stretcher being rushed to A&E and you would still be more concerned about how work was making you miserable. Would you still remember my favourite flowers for my funeral, would you even make time to attend or would you not come because it will be too crowded?

Why do I still love you? Why is this so hard?

#diary

[twentyseventonothing]

#collage #collage art #art collage #digital art #skull #relationship #heartbreak #life #quotes #dreamer #aesthetic #wallpaper

[twentyseventonothing]

#digital collage #collage #art collage #quotes #life #relationship #heartbreak #hold hands

[twentyseventonothing]

#aesthetic #cyber aesthetic #collage #digital collage #90s #girl #egirl

[twentyseventonothing]

“i read the book you recommended” is a love language.

[twentyseventonothing]

The Town Hall of Leuven, Belgium, photo by s1amsi