third3yeblonde

[third3yeblonde]

Another one bites the dust..

As in, another job I have failed to maintain. I hate myself for it but oh well. There's always other options, right? I blame my ADHD honestly. Fuck that part of me for real though.. Idk which is worse, having bipolar 1 disorder or having the shit show that is inattentive ADHD.. It makes basically every normal adult function you're just automatically supposed to know how to do.. Or be good at even, a struggle for me. Getting to work on time, etc.. It's not that I don't try. I really do, I just fail just as much, ha. Oh well, now to scour indeed and other sites for hopefully some kind of at home shit. Seriously. That way I don't even have to worry about leaving the fucking house. Honest to God, I don't know what else to do. I'm at a loss here, I've went through at least 7 or 8 jobs in the past year and I'm not even exaggerating.. I have a therapy appointment coming up, hoping to talk to Sara about how much I'm struggling.. Don't know if it will do any good but at least I'll be putting it out there. Also, the organization thats meant to help people like me get and keep jobs has ironically been calling me over and over here lately... lol... lightbulb much? I'll give her a call tomorrow. Either before I go to community service or while I'm on a break there.. Yeah, I'm also a criminal. But just in the slightest degree. Never been charged with anything more than a misdemeanor thank God and thank my mother. That's a story for another time though. I'm so happy right now I finally got myself a new laptop charger. So now I can get on here whenever I please and not have to worry about this damn thing dying on me.. Another thing I want to kind of research is.. going back to school possibly? I honestly really want to give it another try. We shall see I guess. Now that I'm on these newer meds hopefully they'll actually help make somewhat of a difference. I hope so. I really do. I'm begging God and the universe to just let me let myself get my foot in the door. SOMEWHERE. ugh. Oh k. Now to job search. Until next time, the non existent readers I have. lmao.

#060222 #third3yeblonde #another day

[third3yeblonde]

Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score

[third3yeblonde]

[third3yeblonde]

― Anaïs Nin, Henry and June: From "A Journal of Love": The Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1931-1932

[text ID: Last night I wept. I wept because the process by which I have become woman was painful. I wept because I was no longer a child with a child's blind faith. I wept because my eyes were opened to reality....I wept because I could not believe anymore and I love to believe. I can still love passionately without believing. That means I love humanly. I wept because I have lost my pain and I am not yet accustomed to its absence.]

[third3yeblonde]

Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score

[third3yeblonde]

Whiskey glasses...

Not anywhere near me. But that is the name of the song I”m listening to. Don’t judge me, Morgan Wallan aint that bad I guess for new country. When do I ever listen to country? Pretty much when I’m in my saddest feels. Since you know, what better than a sad country song to make my depression go even deeper. Like, here’s my tears, how about a sound track?! Country singers are way too open I swear. LOL what am I even talking about ? Anyways, so.. I feel like I”m getting a little bit better.. about things. At this point there is such a steadily growing voice in my head telling me how dumb the whole thing is and how I never really deserved any of the fuck shit he’s put me through... Yeah, I get it you know I love him I always will but that does not mean I have to sit here and take this shit 24/7.. You know what, I’m glad. I’m glad he chose her. More power to her. Have fun being physically and emotionally abused literally from the time you open your eyes til you shut them at night being with him... I think one the main reasons he’s so fascinated with her is because she’s not learning.. like.. she’s not learning and acting accordingly? So he’s intent on forcing her, making an example out of her. to herself? I guess? It’s the only thing that makes sense in my mind. He craves the fight, the underlying tension always at a 10.. I don’t know if she’s just literally not smart like I am when it comes to what he’s drilled in my head and formed these things in my mind very carefully and pain stakeingly.. Or like, if I’m just the more pathetic of the two because I tried to be whatever he wanted so hard.. that I barely went against any word out of his mouth for fear of being slapped or worse.. I guess maybe she’s already been through shit like that or what I dont know but she damn asks for the shit I swear.. I know thats awful but seriously. Will she ever learn? Every try to avoid the explosion that is Cody Dale..? No, she brings it out.. one of the main reasons I can’t stand her. She brought the old Cody out.. and I hate her for it. I really do.. I wish I could go back to before he met her.. and do what I had such a hard time deciding on.. Be with him. Like when he went to jail for the little bit of time not last christmas but the one before that... I wish I could have just made myself do it. Maybe I could have helped. Help him keep the new Cody around.... But.. He scared me... And I couldn’t help how much... I wish I could gp back so bad. I wonder how things would be now.. Without her in the picture. Sigh I’m soooo mad I just made this far into this post all about him and her. Hate myself lol. Where was I? Oh yeah, I’m starting to distance myself mentally from the situation I think, like blocking out the feelings associated with it all completely. Because that shit hurt so fucking bad my brain is trying to keep me safe by like... Making me numb to it all. Maybe a little too much. I really don’t think its healthy for me to do that shit.. Kinda like last Christmas.. What a shit show. But yeah, it’s like I’m disassociating from the experience entirely while still currently living it. Trying to get past it. But fuck its hard. And then there’s Matthew... Sigh. Thats for another post maybe. Will probably be equally as long and stupid sounding. I really think I may just suck as a person in general... No, no thats not true. I’m a girl/woman/child, 27 years old, ADHD and bipolar 1 disorder ridden, probably over medicated, barely stable, holding on as tight as I can to my sanity... I’m trying as hard as I can given my circumstances... Which I’m still starting to learn and get familiar with instead of just living with no introspection.. I think thats the right word, self reflection? Being fully aware of whats going on, and being honest about it. Whether that’s fun or not. It doesn’t matter, I gotta start holding myself responsible for what I can control.. Which is alot when I think about it. I am in control of.. all of it. My life is mine only. I am the reason I am here right now.. I  am the one who made the choices that led for me to be here, nobody else. I’m tired of just watching my life go by like I have no say so/no choice in the matters I put myself in/create. Life is literally what I make it. If I want to change I’m the only one thats holding me back. I’m the only one responsible for my actions, I’m the only one in control. I have to keep telling myself that. I feel like I’ve been letting someone else or better yet nobody steer me through life. Like theres been no hands on the wheel. Like I’ve just let life come in and beat the shitt out of me.. I’ve let myself get hurt so much.. So unexpectedly at the time.. But hindsight is 20/20... right? Theres no way I could have prepare myself for the things that have happened.. but what I can do is take the lessons learned in those experiences and apply them to the next day of my life, and keep doing that. Every day. Never make the same mistake more than once.. better said than done right? That is I think what I need to remember, anytime life brings me something I’ve already learned how to navigate, or well. Something I’ve fucked up in the past that I can just.. learn from that and apply what I’ve learned to all upcoming experiences.. the best I can anyway... I feel like I’m giving myself permission to learn from myself instead of trying to be so perfect like I know everything already when some situations I don’t. Even if I don’t, I can try to take what I”ve learned previously and maybe not fuck up whatever it is that I’m trying to accomplish, or change, or just do in general.. I want to go back to school man, I want to be the best at my job, I want to never be late again, I want to always rememher my appointments, really dig into therapy  and retrospection and try to live the best I can.. for me. And only me. Because I deserve that much. I know I do. I know whats right for me and what’s wrong. I’m tired of acting like I don’t know what I’m doing. Its really weird. these thoughts... Maybe they’ll stick around. I hope so. I’m gonna try to be concienctoius and.. live the best I can. Accomplish the things I know I can do. Instead of letting life pass me by like I’m living but not really being present or making decisions that are best for me because why? I’m not sure of that yet. I’ll get back to you when I figure that one out; For now I’m just gonna try to actually do the things I set out to do. And get the shit done. No giving up my happiness either. None of that shit. I can do this. Ok. Nighty night. 

#052122 #journalentry #whiskeyglasses #freewrite #ramblingsofamadman

[third3yeblonde]

thoughts for today..

So, it’s pretty late in the evening here. Trying to get myself to start winding down. Although you and I both know how much of a struggle that is for me.. LOL. I’ve already considered doing a deep clean of my room.. It’s gotten pretty bad and I haven’t really done it since I moved in here 2 years ago... Yeah, clutter. Clutter EVERYWHERE because I’m a pack rat and never and I do mean never throw anything away. Memories, you know? But, maybe I need to start learning how to let some of those go.. kind of cleanse my surroundings so I can cleanse my soul. Rid myself of the baggage I carry around all the time. Heavy shit too.. I’ve been told I’m pretty hard on myself and I know it’s true but.. It’s hard to just, not expect so much more of myself when I should be looking for ways to cope and acamodate (sp?) myself I ridicule and put myself down or just straight ignore the fact that I know I may need extra help here and there with life things.. enough to where I just struggle on my own until I break down eventually.. I gotta work on that for sure. I’m going to start writing posts on here every day if I can, but I”m not going to set an impossible goal once again so, you’ll see something from me semi often I hope. Just to kinda get things out of my head and onto some kind of outlet/platform. I’m no artist, I can’t sing or write songs, I dont really exercise, I don’t do planners, I don’t do anything to let things go, let things out. I could just start randomly screaming I guess, but that may become alarming to some, So writing it is, or well, typing it is, Seeing as unfortunately I cannot write with a pen/pencil on paper anymore without my hand starting to cramp up after less than a page of hand writing,, it kills me to have to do this because I love the simple art of writing in a notebook with a new favorite pen and smelling the ink on paper.. but oh well, this will do. :/ enough depressing stuff though, today was okay I guess. It’s my last day off of the week and I got to spend it in court this morning, .Luckily things went how I’d hoped. I got an extention on my community service due date. Just a week, but that gives me time to finish the 11 out of 15 hours I have left. Hopefully I can anyways work around my work schedule. I work 4 out of the 7 days of the week. Hopefully soon to be 5 so I can start making some real money. I’m so excited for my first full paycheck (2 weeks worth of hours). I’m going to feel rich, it’s the most I’ve ever really made somewhere and I”m stoked to see the results of my hard work. I’ve really been busting my ass at this new job. Its another housekeeping position but at a sort of new place. I’m full time @ the La Quinta Inn and Suites now. Cleaning rooms.. fun fun fun. But its a job and an easy one at that, .Well, maybe a little physically taxing but I need that forced bit of exercise every day. I’ve been gaining weight again so this will slim down a smidge. Not that I really want to lose weight I just don’t want to sit around like a blob anymore. I’ve also been doing a lil side hustle.. it’s risky but it getting me through this last gap of no check until next week. I have help, but I think I”m okay at it myself. It’s also not very hard.. just risky if youre not smart about yourself. So i try to be as not dumb as possible in this business. The consequences are more than I’m really willing to face. But, if that day was to ever come of course I would face it. Aint no fuck shit in this bitch. I unlike a lot of people I know really knows and practices respect and loyalty. I wish some people could really see that and appreciate it for what it is... but oh well, thats a song I need to stop singing.. a broken record I’ve got to quit playing. If he loved me, I know where he would be,. and he’s not there so.. that tells me all I need to know. Or it should, I’m just stubborn and really honestly still want to hang on.. I really don’t know why. Matt says Stockholm Syndrome.. I kind of can believe that to be plausible.. just sucks knowing that that is what I had to come to accept as love.. because that’s all he knows how to show it.. and I knew the things I had to endure were worth it because, it meant he cared about me. He hurt me the most because he loved me the most... right? Ha.. yeah, right.. I miss him every day still, I can’t tell you why or how I can still say that and truly mean it but I do. I miss the good times..  I even sometimes miss the attention that came with the not so bad times.. the bad times though, I don’t miss. And wouldnt wish on anyone that has so much love for someone that continuously tries to intimidate, hurt, embarrass or punish them so they can feel big.. I would do anything for him. I did do anything for him.. Every day... And I still would would it not be for his habit of being physically and mentally abusive on a daily basis.. I wish he never had to go through the things that made him into the kind of man he is today. I wish no one had to.. I wish someone had been there to show him real love, to protect him, to give him a real childhood.. to not have it robbed from him at such a young fragile stage in his development as a person.. I wish that I could have loved the bad away. I tried so hard to love his pain away, his past, his rage.. I tried so so hard to show him what real love was. What it really felt like but.. He didn’t know what to do with it when I had such a compulsion to give it all I had. To give him all of me, every ounce of my being I wanted him to know I used to love him with. My heart beat for him, the blood in my veins still runs so hot for him and his touch.. His eyes on me.. the way his hands felt on me,. All over me.. the way his kiss felt all the way down my body.. teasing me in the end. Making the anticipation eat me alive before finally relieving me of my yearning.. letting me have all that I wanted of him.. It was so much about that though, so much of my love for him stemmed for the passion I felt for him during those times,, And I fell so hard for him physically.. It’s so crazy.. but thats how he works. That;s how he gets you. Really any woman.. but goodness.... I know it was real with me. And no one can tell me otherwise. How hard he’d give it to me.. How deep he would go.. making me feel like I’d become a part of him and he of me.. Him making just as much noise as I did.. not being able to contain his pleasure in what he was doing to me.. How good it felt.. grabbing my hair from behind me and gripping harder with every stroke.. ugh.. telling me when he wanted me to cum for him.. and goddamn did that make me lose it. Worked like a charm everytime that hot breath in my ear with those words.. that demand.. to show just how much control he had over my body in those moments. His voice.. fuck.. rough and low.. me responding with shakes all throughout my body as that pleasure pulsed through my entirety.. over and over again. Making me say his name amidst the cussing I always let out when I’m being railed right.. god bless america.. well this turned into something entirely different than what I had anticipated but.. I can dig it. LOL wonder how much content I could come with that would actually be acceptable as something worth reading,. God bless. Now I’m sitting here all uncomfortably hot and bothered. I wish he’d come fuck me one last time,. making sure I never forget who did it right.. always.. who changed my life in soooo many ways; not even just in hed either but i won’t get too emotional about it right now. Theres absolutely no excuse for the way he got me wrapped aroumd his finger.. Using sex as a bribe worse than candy for a fucking baby..Anyways,. this is probaly a pretty good stopping point. I’ll never understand how he could pick her over the shit we do .. but ohh well.. It hurts less and less everytime I’ve been reminded which gets less and less often as each day passes.. Okay, goodnight everybody.  

#051122 journalentry thatrealshit

[third3yeblonde]

So,

I got a new job housekeeping up the mountain from where I live in NC! I’ve worked this job for over 3 years now so its nothing new but the pay is alot better and I’m stoked to be working again. I hope that I don’t get evicted before I get a chance to get on my feet though, my landlord is kind of being a douche fuck... Anyways, trying to hold it together.. CD still hasn’t responded to me not once since we were at the beach... I feel like he blocked my number and that rips my heart into a thousand pieces as if it wasn’t already... I don’t have all the time in the world to explain who he is or who he is to me. Well I guess I can kind of... he is both my abusive ex boyfriend and simultaneously the love of my life.. I can’t let go.. Stocholm Syndrome? Maybe.. I’ve been manipulated for over five years by him.. We’re not together right now.. but.. I still love him just as much as I always have. Even though he can be both mentally and physically abusive.. He’s not that way all the time though.. I know I sound ignorant just saying that but.. It’s just so hard for me to just give up on something I’ve spent a big chunk of my adult life on.. Even if its not healthy.. I just wish I had something to show for it besides a broken heart and PTSD... We’re still “friends” at the moment.. but.. i dont know how its all going to pan out in the near future with his lil new gf.. so. we might go right back to doing what we always have.. hurting each other.. but loving each other just as much.. It’ s so toxic. Like ten times Britney Spears toxic.. But I love him. and i always will love him.. I just hope maybe I’ll be able to forget aboiut us soon.. because waking up every day remembering all the shitty details of our relationship now.. kills me,. Well on that note.. I’m going to sleep. Gotta be there at 9 am! Wish me luck!

[third3yeblonde]

Well, its been awhile.

Sure has, like, 2 years actually since I’ve even logged into my tumblr account. lol. anyways. I’ve come to the conclusion that I need some sort of outlet to express my feelings, get some thoughts out of my head and into the abyss and away from me if needed... Not sure if anyone would be interested in reading my entries or anything like that... but I’m not going to be just posting basic diary entries, there will still be cool stuff too.. Oh well, if my shit gets read and people actually grow interested in my life and what not, well, thatd be cool and weird at the same time but I’d definitely accept it with open arms. Support from anywhere healthy anyways is always helpful... and i need all of it that I can get.. My ADHD and Bipolar 1 diagnosis require these types of things to lead a healthy, functional life.. so they say.. so hey, if you have either one of those mental illnesses, or if you have any kind of mental illness! feel free to holla at me, we can have good conversation and share ideas and what not. and just be there if someone needs an ear.. you know? thats what I want my tumblr to be about really. mental health and just coping through my own struggles along side others would be really cool to me.. and you know, cool pictures and stuffs.. I think I’ll call this my introduction ? to using my tumblr again? Idk why that needed to sound like a question but oh well. I shall talk to you soon, I have plenty to talk about, just not the most time right this second. SO until I can actually sit and pour some shit outta my head, to all a good night. ttyl 

#blogintro #itsbeenawhile #mentalhealth #mentalhealthsupport #adhd #adhdwomen #bipolar1 #mentalillness #ramblings #helloandyouare #third3yeblonde

[third3yeblonde]

“Some people endure so much pain, just to teach the world how to heal.”

— Meggan Roxanne

[third3yeblonde]

[third3yeblonde]

[third3yeblonde]

By Jung Lee

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