#051122 journalentry thatrealshit

[third3yeblonde]

thoughts for today..

So, it’s pretty late in the evening here. Trying to get myself to start winding down. Although you and I both know how much of a struggle that is for me.. LOL. I’ve already considered doing a deep clean of my room.. It’s gotten pretty bad and I haven’t really done it since I moved in here 2 years ago... Yeah, clutter. Clutter EVERYWHERE because I’m a pack rat and never and I do mean never throw anything away. Memories, you know? But, maybe I need to start learning how to let some of those go.. kind of cleanse my surroundings so I can cleanse my soul. Rid myself of the baggage I carry around all the time. Heavy shit too.. I’ve been told I’m pretty hard on myself and I know it’s true but.. It’s hard to just, not expect so much more of myself when I should be looking for ways to cope and acamodate (sp?) myself I ridicule and put myself down or just straight ignore the fact that I know I may need extra help here and there with life things.. enough to where I just struggle on my own until I break down eventually.. I gotta work on that for sure. I’m going to start writing posts on here every day if I can, but I”m not going to set an impossible goal once again so, you’ll see something from me semi often I hope. Just to kinda get things out of my head and onto some kind of outlet/platform. I’m no artist, I can’t sing or write songs, I dont really exercise, I don’t do planners, I don’t do anything to let things go, let things out. I could just start randomly screaming I guess, but that may become alarming to some, So writing it is, or well, typing it is, Seeing as unfortunately I cannot write with a pen/pencil on paper anymore without my hand starting to cramp up after less than a page of hand writing,, it kills me to have to do this because I love the simple art of writing in a notebook with a new favorite pen and smelling the ink on paper.. but oh well, this will do. :/ enough depressing stuff though, today was okay I guess. It’s my last day off of the week and I got to spend it in court this morning, .Luckily things went how I’d hoped. I got an extention on my community service due date. Just a week, but that gives me time to finish the 11 out of 15 hours I have left. Hopefully I can anyways work around my work schedule. I work 4 out of the 7 days of the week. Hopefully soon to be 5 so I can start making some real money. I’m so excited for my first full paycheck (2 weeks worth of hours). I’m going to feel rich, it’s the most I’ve ever really made somewhere and I”m stoked to see the results of my hard work. I’ve really been busting my ass at this new job. Its another housekeeping position but at a sort of new place. I’m full time @ the La Quinta Inn and Suites now. Cleaning rooms.. fun fun fun. But its a job and an easy one at that, .Well, maybe a little physically taxing but I need that forced bit of exercise every day. I’ve been gaining weight again so this will slim down a smidge. Not that I really want to lose weight I just don’t want to sit around like a blob anymore. I’ve also been doing a lil side hustle.. it’s risky but it getting me through this last gap of no check until next week. I have help, but I think I”m okay at it myself. It’s also not very hard.. just risky if youre not smart about yourself. So i try to be as not dumb as possible in this business. The consequences are more than I’m really willing to face. But, if that day was to ever come of course I would face it. Aint no fuck shit in this bitch. I unlike a lot of people I know really knows and practices respect and loyalty. I wish some people could really see that and appreciate it for what it is... but oh well, thats a song I need to stop singing.. a broken record I’ve got to quit playing. If he loved me, I know where he would be,. and he’s not there so.. that tells me all I need to know. Or it should, I’m just stubborn and really honestly still want to hang on.. I really don’t know why. Matt says Stockholm Syndrome.. I kind of can believe that to be plausible.. just sucks knowing that that is what I had to come to accept as love.. because that’s all he knows how to show it.. and I knew the things I had to endure were worth it because, it meant he cared about me. He hurt me the most because he loved me the most... right? Ha.. yeah, right.. I miss him every day still, I can’t tell you why or how I can still say that and truly mean it but I do. I miss the good times..  I even sometimes miss the attention that came with the not so bad times.. the bad times though, I don’t miss. And wouldnt wish on anyone that has so much love for someone that continuously tries to intimidate, hurt, embarrass or punish them so they can feel big.. I would do anything for him. I did do anything for him.. Every day... And I still would would it not be for his habit of being physically and mentally abusive on a daily basis.. I wish he never had to go through the things that made him into the kind of man he is today. I wish no one had to.. I wish someone had been there to show him real love, to protect him, to give him a real childhood.. to not have it robbed from him at such a young fragile stage in his development as a person.. I wish that I could have loved the bad away. I tried so hard to love his pain away, his past, his rage.. I tried so so hard to show him what real love was. What it really felt like but.. He didn’t know what to do with it when I had such a compulsion to give it all I had. To give him all of me, every ounce of my being I wanted him to know I used to love him with. My heart beat for him, the blood in my veins still runs so hot for him and his touch.. His eyes on me.. the way his hands felt on me,. All over me.. the way his kiss felt all the way down my body.. teasing me in the end. Making the anticipation eat me alive before finally relieving me of my yearning.. letting me have all that I wanted of him.. It was so much about that though, so much of my love for him stemmed for the passion I felt for him during those times,, And I fell so hard for him physically.. It’s so crazy.. but thats how he works. That;s how he gets you. Really any woman.. but goodness.... I know it was real with me. And no one can tell me otherwise. How hard he’d give it to me.. How deep he would go.. making me feel like I’d become a part of him and he of me.. Him making just as much noise as I did.. not being able to contain his pleasure in what he was doing to me.. How good it felt.. grabbing my hair from behind me and gripping harder with every stroke.. ugh.. telling me when he wanted me to cum for him.. and goddamn did that make me lose it. Worked like a charm everytime that hot breath in my ear with those words.. that demand.. to show just how much control he had over my body in those moments. His voice.. fuck.. rough and low.. me responding with shakes all throughout my body as that pleasure pulsed through my entirety.. over and over again. Making me say his name amidst the cussing I always let out when I’m being railed right.. god bless america.. well this turned into something entirely different than what I had anticipated but.. I can dig it. LOL wonder how much content I could come with that would actually be acceptable as something worth reading,. God bless. Now I’m sitting here all uncomfortably hot and bothered. I wish he’d come fuck me one last time,. making sure I never forget who did it right.. always.. who changed my life in soooo many ways; not even just in hed either but i won’t get too emotional about it right now. Theres absolutely no excuse for the way he got me wrapped aroumd his finger.. Using sex as a bribe worse than candy for a fucking baby..Anyways,. this is probaly a pretty good stopping point. I’ll never understand how he could pick her over the shit we do .. but ohh well.. It hurts less and less everytime I’ve been reminded which gets less and less often as each day passes.. Okay, goodnight everybody.  

#051122 journalentry thatrealshit