thecityhermit

[thecityhermit]

Someone was painting the roses red

#multicolored roses #roses #alice in wonderland #painting the roses red

[thecityhermit]

“how did you get into writing” girl nobody gets into writing. writing shows up one day at your door and gets into you

[thecityhermit]

#bedraggled #mirrors

[thecityhermit]

Godchild vol. 5 by Kaori Yuki

#manga #godchild #kaori yuki #castrato #mary weather #cain

[thecityhermit]

“Being brave doesn’t mean you aren’t scared. Being brave means you are scared, really scared, badly scared, and you do the right thing anyway.”

— Neil Gaiman

[thecityhermit]

It's world poetry day so here are some (more) of my favorite poems:

What You Missed That Day You Were Absent from Fourth Grade by Brad Aaron Modlin

All Trains Are Going Local by Timothy Liu

Rural Boys Watch the Apocalypse by Keaton St. James (@boykeats)

HOPE YOU’RE WELL. PLEASE DON’T READ THIS. by Lev St. Valentine (@dogrotpdf)

Time of Love by Claribel Alegría

Every Job Has a First Day by Rebecca Gayle Howell

ALL THAT WANTING, RIGHT? by Devin Kelly

Reading by A.R. Ammons

things i want to ask you by Helga Floros

Night Bird by Danusha Laméris

Prayer for Werewolves by Stephanie Burt

The Two Times I Loved You the Most In a Car by Dorothea Grossman

The Yearner by Rachel Long

If I Had Three Lives by Sarah Russell

I Dream on a Crowded Subway Train with My Eyes Open But My Body Swaying by Chen Chen

We Have Not Long to Love by Tennessee Williams

Jesus at the Gay Bar by Jay Hulme

Cracks by Dieu Dinh

and here's part one <3

[thecityhermit]

[thecityhermit]

“I wondered why I was always so lonely and then I realized that I was always playing different roles for different people but I never played the role of just myself and that’s why I was lonely - the person everyone was with wasn’t actually me.”

— sandralidell

[thecityhermit]

April 16

8:27pm

I think deep down I always expected Al to hurt me, and that's what he did. I got hooked on the feeling of his words. I wanted to believe in that feeling. But feelings change. Over time, I began to realize that his words didn't mean much. He didn't keep his word. He threw them away as quickly as he fired them. I was used to people letting me down, but he proclaimed with so much passion that the feeling of his words gave me faith in his invisible evidence. I believed in his words, like I believe in God. There was no physical proof of his love, but his words were constant. If I wanted a reminder of his love, all I had to was text him. The speed at which he would reply was proof of his affection. But if he took too long, I would crumble. I wondered what I did wrong. Was I not good enough anymore?

I went into the relationship, expecting to always have his attention. He said he obsessed with me, so I expected to always have him waiting in the wings. My love-starved-attention-seeking self craved his words. As long as I could believe in his words, I thought I had it all. He was a liar, and when I learned that fact, all the love went away. To me, the truth is the highest form of love. He had a problem with honesty. I couldn't trust him. Every word he uttered had me second-guessing their validity. I expected him to be honest. I believed that was enough. I didn't expect him to be a great liar.

I expected that I knew who he was. I believed that I knew everyone in my life. I thought I knew their most important parts. But all I really knew was their words. I didn't believe that I had so many liars in my life until the evidence was too much to deny. I expected people to be who they claim to be, maybe even humble about what they say. I was wrong. I was projecting. I saw people the way I saw myself. When my faith in people failed, I failed myself. I see so much of myself in others. My ability to empathize is stronger than magnetism. I expected empathy to always be a good thing. Unfortunately, my heart bleeds for vampires, and they blend in seamlessly.

I think I expected others to hurt me because I hurt myself all the time. I got my hopes up over things without any guarantees. I dreamed so big over things that were never promised. Subconsciously, I knew it was bullshit. I didn't even dare say anything aloud. I didn't want anyone to challenge my words, I knew there was nothing to support them. And when they eventually failed to pass, all I had was hurt feelings.

I expected others to be honest.

I expected them to care.

I expected without promise.

#journal excerpt #journal #hermit #thinky thoughts #writer #expectations

[thecityhermit]

October 30, 2013

I’m not gonna lie, not too long ago I thought that I might have avoidant personality disorder and that really scared me because I’ve always felt like there was something wrong with me and that would prove me right. But instead of crying like I almost did earlier I’m going to look at this in a positive light. I'm going to challenge myself to work daily against this thing because even if I don't have this disorder the fact that my problems are related enough to be its symptoms means that conquering my many fears won't take as many stops as I thought(???). Similar problems equal similar solutions. So from now on I’m going to challenge myself daily and be optimistic. I don’t want to have a pity party, I want victory! Pray for me, I'm gonna to need it.

April 12, 2024

I've decided to reread all my journals. Above is the first entry I’ve written (that still exists). This was my second year of college and my first time dipping my toe into the world of mental health. I had no idea what I would be in for lol!

It's funny, this passage describes exactly what I'm doing now. I’m just coming out of what I've been calling my cocoon phase. I've been so scared for so long about so many things that I have hidden myself away from the world. I was afraid of getting hurt again and I was healing. But it was mostly fear. I didn't trust anyone. I didn't trust myself. I was terrified of not being perfectly put together and never saying  the right things, so I stopped existing where others could find me. I made a space where I could live quietly and called it peace. As you can imagine, I got bored, and my sadness continued. I wasn't happy, and I knew I wouldn't be as long as I was a hermit crab. So this is me attempting to be a bleeding heart because it scares me.

#journal excerpt #journal review #journal #hermit #mental health #fear #thinky thoughts

[thecityhermit]

September 5

9:48pm

I... I don't know. Maybe I'm making a bigger deal about this than I should. Maybe it's just a fleeting emotion, a passing passion, but I can't help but think that something is meant to happen between us. I don't know. Maybe it's just an old crush that I'm obsessing over because it feels so pure and full of potential. When I think of him, it feels like we could fit together well, and I want that. I crave that. I crave a romantic connection with someone deep and loving. Someone who cares about things and people. Someone who knows what it's like to struggle and hope. Someone who loves hard and rides hard. Someone like him.

#thinky thoughts #journal excerpt #journal

[thecityhermit]

God really woke up and chose humidity

#i am the ice cream that you dropped on the side walk begging for sweet sweet release from this hell #MELTING #why God?! why! #too hot to move #too moist to- #just too moist! #one this day i swear i will never go a summer without ac again! #i wasn't made for this #i'm dripping 😓 #fuck summer

[thecityhermit]

It's never too late to go to someone and apologize. Even if it's been a long time. Apologizing brings a lot of closure to both sides, even if people don't make peace. It can help people heal, even if they don't forgive you.

[thecityhermit]

I think there should be a dating app where people can write extensive profiles about themselves BUT: There are no pictures. You just get to know people by texting with them and by researching their profile which would be huge and kind of like it's own social media, there could be prompts and questions that people have to publicly answer and of course you would see their age and they could link music and shows they like and podcasts and books and all kinds of stuff they are interested in and the app would be called: BLIND. And there would be a huge focus on emotional connection and maybe people could do phonecalls without a camera as dates or play video games together and be together in virtual spaces without seeing each others face and the app let's you ask people you like if you wanna "date" and then, after a fixed time of dateing, you get access to each others pictures.

[thecityhermit]

I suddenly have the feminine urge to make a MySpace page

#sorry lolz

[thecityhermit]

Have I always been a lonely child?

[thecityhermit]

I think Netflix knows me a little too well