that-lich-queen

[that-lich-queen]

There are. Gargoyles. on my roof having sex.

#wizardposting

[that-lich-queen]

had to physically restrain myself from saying 'alec vasil moment' out loud in response to my brother having an alec vasil moment (reiterating that a venue had really half-assed bag-checking by saying "i could've had a GUN!" in an alarmingly cheery and delighted tone of voice) (i realize starting this post with 'my brother having an alec vasil moment' might imply some alarming things about my brother but he's fine. it was just a thing alec vasil would say. alec vasil mannerisms by sheer dint of luck.)

[that-lich-queen]

This except I'm immune to disease and just got an upset tummy from the taste :(

#wizardposting #lichdom

[that-lich-queen]

Hello there!

... it's nice to meet another lich...

Er...

Undead, I mean! I'm just an ordinary skeleton who happens to be a wizard. Would you like a Gelatinous Cube?

The pleasure is mine. And Cubes are handy for cleaning up Lich Dust . . . Uh I mean Normal Dust. Normal Household Dust.

#thank you #wizardblr #wizardposting #gelatinous cubes

[that-lich-queen]

Hello there!

... it's nice to meet another lich...

Er...

Undead, I mean! I'm just an ordinary skeleton who happens to be a wizard. Would you like a Gelatinous Cube?

The pleasure is mine. And Cubes are handy for cleaning up Lich Dust . . . Uh I mean Normal Dust. Normal Household Dust.

#wizardposting #lichdom #wizard mutuals

[that-lich-queen]

The trick is to cast Two-Step Verification on them at the same time, so they're forced to check their spam folder anyway.

casting Inbox Full of Emails on my worst enemies >:3

#wizardposting #two step verification #emails

[that-lich-queen]

The Wizard Battle (doing dishes) is never over and cannot be won

#wizardposting #lichdom #the agonies #the horrors

[that-lich-queen]

*literally snaps fingers, pointing at the turtle as my bones regenerate and click themselves back into place*

*the turtle's flesh is instantly annihilated in a flash of void magic and a thunderous crash resounds as surrounding air rushes in to fill the vacuum*

*a Turtle Shell attached to its Turtle Skeleton clatter to the ground*

*another turtle appears before you, larger this time and with eyes in a bright green blaze*

Okay, like good lord what a process!! I just need a hollow shell to make a traveling home out of. If I summoned a big turtle would you just help me out? I can teach you secrets about the shelldritch plane!

..... I am too easily swayed by the allure of forbidden knowledge, but that's a problem for another time. I'd be happy to help!

#wizardposting

[that-lich-queen]

*another turtle appears before you, larger this time and with eyes in a bright green blaze*

Okay, like good lord what a process!! I just need a hollow shell to make a traveling home out of. If I summoned a big turtle would you just help me out? I can teach you secrets about the shelldritch plane!

..... I am too easily swayed by the allure of forbidden knowledge, but that's a problem for another time. I'd be happy to help!

#wizardposting

[that-lich-queen]

The bridge troll when I make HIM pay me a tithe

the bridge troll when i refuse to answer his riddle:

[that-lich-queen]

*a small turtle approaches you with a note tied to its shell*

Greetings.

I have been in search of a tutor for some time. I need specifically for somebody to teach me how to banish living flesh. You seem of a necromantic background and I would humbly request your teachings should you be willing.

*the turtle shuffles away and vanishes into mist*

there is one lesson and one lesson only that I can impart when it comes to the banishment of living flesh.

Step 1: die

Step 2: don't move on to the afterlife. Instead, use astral projection to reach the nearest Nondenominational Nondimensional office

Step 3: become a paracausal entity (it helps to have prepared for this early in your unlife)

You can now banish living flesh at will!

#wizardposting #lichdom #advice #anon ask

[that-lich-queen]

You pass the vibe check

You win this cool robot as a prize

Always happy to receive a gift from an arcane peer. Can I just say I'm a huge fan of your work? Pyromancy so often feels old and tired, but your advances to the field keep it burning-edge. Fireball² is my favorite; more fireball per fireball? A simple concept yet mathematically complex and so, so satisfying.

#wizardposting #wizard mutuals #pyromancer #combustion

[that-lich-queen]

Hi, I have a pressing question. Would you be able to completely reanimate an animal if the only thing thats left of him is a bunch of ashes, a furball and a single tooth? Thanks

yes but the animal in question is going to come back wrong, and I don't just mean missing a tooth

#wizardposting

[that-lich-queen]

certainly! bring the corpses to my Evil Wizard Tower on the night of the next full moon.

Hi, I have a pressing question. Would you be able to completely reanimate an animal if the only thing thats left of him is a bunch of ashes, a furball and a single tooth? Thanks

yes but the animal in question is going to come back wrong, and I don't just mean missing a tooth

#wizardposting

[that-lich-queen]

sorry, I should have clarified. Whichever way you normally hang toilet paper, a creature brought back wrong will hang the other way

Hi, I have a pressing question. Would you be able to completely reanimate an animal if the only thing thats left of him is a bunch of ashes, a furball and a single tooth? Thanks

yes but the animal in question is going to come back wrong, and I don't just mean missing a tooth

#wizardposting #came back wrong #creature

[that-lich-queen]

The reanimation itself requires an almond-sized diamond per corpse. My fees include a humanoid sacrifice (neednt be willing) and either (a) a book not contained within my infinite personal library (b) a black lotus flower plucked from the crown of an Ice Queen's corpse (c) a legendary artifact (an orb of dragonkind, the hammer of the gods, the throngler) or (d) some really nice home baked goods. Chocolate chip cookies are best. (for ritual purposes, of course)

Hi, I have a pressing question. Would you be able to completely reanimate an animal if the only thing thats left of him is a bunch of ashes, a furball and a single tooth? Thanks

yes but the animal in question is going to come back wrong, and I don't just mean missing a tooth

#wizardposting #throngler

[that-lich-queen]

reanimated pets tend to be evil. apart from hungering for living flesh? It will hang toilet paper the wrong way round.

Hi, I have a pressing question. Would you be able to completely reanimate an animal if the only thing thats left of him is a bunch of ashes, a furball and a single tooth? Thanks

yes but the animal in question is going to come back wrong, and I don't just mean missing a tooth

#wizardposting