#you can see me mostly being mad

[softceleste]

The fact I honestly thought I'd pull off playing College Craze and being normal about it, and then less than a week later I've already played it multiple times, made a duel MC au, a Pinterest board, and recreated some of the PopMe pages, is genuinely not lost on me.

#college craze #katie talks ifs and vns #i made psds for new contacts and calls too but didn't really have a use for them in this #also i just bs'd vidtok if it pops up I'll redo those but >.> i think you can tell who my favorite RO is so far okay (it's Pierce) #and then jay shaun ruby and trish also have me by the throat like if Trish has 0 fans I'm dead okay #I've known those characters literally like 4 days and I'd go to bat for all five of them already ok - my beloveds #anyway madeline mostly follows canon (the divergence is Ches exists and Ches is canonly the one fake!dating Shaun for Mad's tuition) #otherwise what the vn throws at Madeline she gets ok and then Ches breaks canon... so much it'd be probably too long for the tags #but this is what i get for being like 'this oc I've been writing for a decade+ would be down so bad for Pierce and Shaun lemme do a #playthrough with her and see what happens' - this happens apparently 😂 listen the vn helped me get through the entire time my mom was #in the hospital (she's home now) so tbh it was a really appreciated distraction <3 #extremely long post #long post #edits:mine #college craze: ches #college craze: madeline #college craze: madeline x jay #college craze: ches x pierce #i had fun with these though like Madeline messaging Ches to ensure she isn’t going to come in and find Jay in the dorm #and Ches being like ‘yeah my vidtok is 100% Pierce’s fault’ yikes I need to sleep I’m excitedly tired rambling #sorry if this post is annoying (and for the lines under the categories breaking future me will fix that in further edits if I post more #those may be relegated to the shit post blog though we’ll see posting oc stuff makes me so anxious ngl) #im just hitting post I’ve been staring at this stressing it like two hours now jfc

[lemonduckisnowawake]

Me, today: I will not get angry about people slandering Jesus. I will not lose my temper seeing yet another post throwing His character in the garbage as some politically woke or politically conservative people pleaser. I will not stab my hand with a fork when I see people poking fun at his friendships as homoerotic - *sees a post like that and slowly steps out of the internet*

No seriously. I am shaking the screen and BEGGING people to remember that even though Western Christian traditionalism has deep, *deep* wrongs, There Are Literal People Dying And Being Tortured Because Of Their Faith In Christ In The Modern World. And the way I see people making light of faith and outright mocking it or "dumbing it down" to appeal to their own moral worldview is sometimes kind of painful

#lemon duck quacks #i need a salt tag so people can block that.... #I'll think of one later #anyway yeah....sometimes the things i see western folk doing to Christianity makes me sigh #what is it about humanity's need to make a mockery out of the things we disagree with? #I've caught myself doing it sometimes too and it's just sad #like I've seen people make mockery out of Eastern spirituality and religions or Islam or something #and it DOES make me mad #especially when I see adherents of those religions trying to placate people by going #'oh our worldview DOES actually support yours! we're friendly to your political stance :)' #when no. NO. you guys don't have to defend your worldview like that??? #worldviews are called such because they're different and there WILL be times when moralities clash against each other! #DRAMATICALLY #and it's up to you to see if you can keep being friends/interacting with someone who has a drastically different moral standard than you #and if you can't there is no reason to try and make their religion/worldview fits yours or whatever #this is aimed at Christians too who try and force non-Christians to see things through their perspective btw #also just because you hate someone's viewpoint because it's objectively wrong to you doesn't mean you have to mock it or them #by all means try and deconstruct it if you want but stop making fun of it or pretending you know eeeeeverything about their worldview #sorry you guys i am VERY salty #maybe a tad bit angry but mostly salty #anyway you religious people who have studied your texts and persist in living it out even if it doesn't conform to the western world's #political worldviews (whether liberal or conservative in the us or uk or etc sense) have all my respect and 'hwaiting's #stars I'm so salty i could perseve my own meat with it

[jemmo]

i can’t tell you how much i usually hate these ignoring, distancing plots in shows and how much i absolutely adore everything about these 2 episodes of the eighth sense. like im not having a good time, and it’s fantastic.

bc the thing is, in all of this, i can’t see the right way to go, i can’t find the person to blame, i can’t find the way to make it better. I can’t single out a single moment or a thing someone did and say “this is why everything went wrong”. it’s just this coming together and rise and swell of things happening and people feeling things that has us ending up here and it feels beautifully and horribly organic bc we can’t find that point where it all went wrong. was it on that rooftop? was it at the beach? was it when they first met? was it when his brother died? was it when he was born into this family? there is no single point. it’s all of them and it’s none of them. there is truly nothing and no one to blame. and there are bad characters in the show, people you can hate, eunji and taehyung, but neither of them are to blame for any of the bad stuff that happens in the show. you’re not waiting for them to be taken down bc that doesn’t solve anything. instead, it’s just two people hurting, and not knowing how to make it better.

bc you take jaewon, and after what he says at the end of ep 8, you want to hate him, you want to be so angry at him for what he says, for how he acts, how dismissive and hurtful he is, and yet you’ve been made to understand 100% why, and not just in a “i get it but that wasn’t the right thing to do” way, in a “that was horrible and yet i know he doesn’t see any other way to handle this” way. like you don’t see this as a misstep, or a step to far, bc you know for him, in his state of mind, it is completely justified, it’s necessary. bc it not only punishes the person he blames for all of this, himself, but he sees it as a way to protect jihyun. and not even in a cliche “bad things happen when people around me, the people I love always get hurt” kinda way, but more so in that he sees that he is a scared, messy, struggling person that doesn’t know how to handle himself, and doesn’t want to inflict that on anyone, let alone the person he cares about. so what’s worse, a quick, swift blow that hurts but cuts everything off cleanly, or this prolonged relationship where he inevitably continues to weigh jihyun down with the weight of his trauma, and take it out on him. what’s the point of having a place of refuge when you ruin it more and more every time you depend on it, until it eventually can’t offer you comfort. it’s a lesser of two evils, jaewon’s choice is obvious to him.

but then you take jihyun. and we talk about masks and fronts but we never once question whether jihyun wears a mask bc he appears so sweet and innocent and naive, what can this boy possibly be putting up a front for. but i see it, this almost fake it till you make it confidence front that yes is becoming more natural. but my god just think about what he’s gone through for a second. think about it. left home for the first time in his life, moved to an unfamiliar and intimidating city with only one other person he knows, started a new job, started university, tried to build relationships, met a man that intrigues him, and perused him only to be kissed and then ignored, then maybe establish something tentative, only to then see him spiral, go on a trip where he shared his trauma, you have an intimate night together only to almost die, and then be not only ignored, but plain and simple rejected and pushed away. like… you can say all you want about jihyun growing as a person and having more courage, but no amount of growth for however many months this has been going on for can prepare you for that. for the mixed messages on steroids. for the back and forth, not knowing. to give yourself to someone like that and go through something traumatic and then be abandoned by that person. we get it, bc we see all of jaewon’s story. but apart from what jaewon shared at the beach, jihyun doesn’t know any more than that. he doesn’t know about therapy, about how his father acts towards him, about the extent of his trauma and how it manifests and affects his mental health, and how he is struggling every single day. and you can’t expect him to know the depths of that no matter how empathetic and connected he is, how much he cares about jaewon, he can’t be superhuman. and so you get why he pushes and fights for jaewon. like… he is in love. it’s clear. he’s fallen in love with him. he is this wide-eyed, open kid that fell in love with a senior. and jaewon has just messed with his head, he’s never been clear, and you can’t expect jihyun to just get past that bc he knows something is up with jaewon. he can’t know the full story, but even if he did, that can’t be a reason or a justification to be treated the way jaewon treats him. bc we’re all about jaewon putting himself first and doing what he wants and respecting himself like that, but jihyun deserves that too. and it’s such a fine line to tread when you know someone is going through something, bc again you understand why, but you’re still the one being treated that way. like we talk about jaewon’s trauma, but here jihyun was part of it, he went through that traumatic experience. he’s the one that nearly lost his life. and yes, he appears to handle it well, and no matter to what extent that’s true or not, you can’t not look at jaewon struggling and understand it and then not look at jihyun with that same understanding. it’s not about comparing trauma and pain and deciding who is suffering more, it’s seeing that there are two people in this, and they’ve both been affected, so we should give them the same level of understanding.

and that’s something jaewon has to see. that his self-preservation is selfish. that his destructive behavior doesn’t just affect jihyun, instead it feels pointed and directed, bc every way jaewon hurts himself hurts jihyun. and it comes bc jihyun was so much of what was good about jaewon’s life for a second, so attacking that is his only form of self-sabotage. he can’t mess up his relationship with his friends or parents bc they were broken in the first place, and he can’t sabotage his future bc it’s already been ruined the moment he didn’t pursue his photography major. him nearly getting kicked out of school affected him so little not just bc he wanted that punishment, but bc even that punishment meant so little to him. all these things are established and they already contribute to his suffering. removing jihyun from his life is the only active thing he can do to make himself feel worse, and he can veil it in an act of protection, and even feel like he’s doing the right thing, but that deceives them both into believing this is done from a good place, when no good can actually come of it. in trying to protect jihyun, you hurt him more. in trying to hurt yourself, you hurt him too. and when someone is in a headspace like jaewon is, you look for that thing that’ll break through. bc he is so distant, he’s trying to remove himself from reality, and jihyun needs to act as this person that can anchor him to it. when you’re trying to isolate and separate yourself, sometimes seeing that you still affect things, that there’s a persons that exists that is affected and hurt by your actions, and no matter how you try to cut yourself off, you cannot stop that, separating yourself still hurts them, maybe that’s a thing that can get through. but that’s something that depends on jaewon. ultimately, he’s the only one that can get himself out of this place, and that’s what makes it so hard, that no matter how much jihyun cares and how much he fights for him, nothing can come of that effort is jaewon doesn’t meet him there. and it’d be so easy for jihyun to give in, to take the hurt, but over the course of this show we’ve seen the strength jihyun has developed, which has only seemed to increase more so after the accident, call it a renewed vigor for life or something. he has the strength that jaewon doesn’t, to not let his pain consume him. and in a beautiful full-circle moment, it’s because of jaewon, bc when they first spoke he sparked in jihyun a want to be stronger, to be more than the country mouse, and he’s done it. and it’s that courage that means he can fight for jaewon, even in the face of rejection. he trusts himself and that he knows jaewon, the real jaewon, to see past words that are intended to hurt them both, and go after the person that’s still inside jaewon somewhere. no, he can’t do it for him, and no them being together is not some magical cure for jaewon, but it’s what can put him on a path of caring for himself again, and sometimes that has to start with caring about someone else (and suddenly I’m reminded of my beautiful man 2 and how kiyoi tries to break hira out of his worthless mindset by making him care about him, and how ultimately that can’t be enough, and that hira has to take those first steps of seeing his self worth by himself). what jihyun can do by fighting is again act as that tether to reality and try to be this representation of the good jaewon can be and do. bc look at jihyun, look at how confident and strong he has become, and look at how he got there, bc you saw that country mouse and gave him the time of day and helped him grow and gave him new experiences. you jaewon, you. and that shift in mindset, from jihyun representing hurt and the accident and the trauma of his brother and everything he can’t do, to being that light and refuge and everything he can do is again something that might breaks through. and the fact it has such narrative strength and satisfaction makes me hopeful that that’s what we might actually get.

#I did a rant #I’ve done a lot of rants actually they’re all just sitting in my notes bc they all got a little too much #my thoughts are a literal mess and I am still struggling to put them in all the right words #mostly bc the way jaewon is behaving and not to be too overinvolved is very reminiscent of *me* #and so watching him shut down and remove himself knowing it’s something i do is hard and frustrating #and I did a whole rant about it but I realised I need to separate myself from the character to be able to talk about it #so yeah #I really wanted to bring up jihyun tho #bc he presents as so strong in these two eps but you cannot argue against what he’s been through and the effect that would have on anyone #and try to see it from a perspective where we don’t know what jaewon is going through and just see his actions and realise how much he has #messed with jihyun again not at all on purpose but that 1000 to nothing jihyun went through from the trip to the accident and it’s aftermath #that’s a fucking lot #and it’s interesting that we talk so much about people putting themselves first and not putting up with shit #like I think of simon from young royals and how we celebrate him saying no to being willhelms secret as an act of self-respect #but bc we understand and empathise so much with what jaewon is going through it’s hard to make yourself even consider jihyun #but when you do see it from his side you realise it’s a lot for him too #and that you wouldn’t hate him or misunderstand him if he was mad at jaewon #and with *spoliers* is there only so much he can take of jaewon’s self sabotage hurting him until even he and his developed strength and #confidence is broken by it #he can only keep fighting for jaewon for so long and idk if it’s gonna be a case of jaewon coming round too little too late #but I just hope this isn’t easy which sounds mean I don’t want either of them to suffer more #but this isn’t a kiss and get back together and all is good #I think jaewon needs to see the bad he’s caused #bc it’s only by owning up to that that he can ground himself in the moment and see that he’s part of this world and can’t separate himself #from it and jihyun also needs to realise that no matter his headspace jaewon does want space and when someone is self sabotaging you still #have to listen and respect what they’re saying distance means distance and as much as you want to fight against it you can’t be responsible #for making it work #agh I need to stop rambling bc it’s so messy and complex and I just absolutely ADORE the level to which this situation has so many emotional #moving parts and how ultimately blameless they both are and how it makes it so much harder to see a way out it’s fantastic #the eighth sense

[super-one-tax-evasion]

Hey so I somehow had a homophobic and transphobic super sentai blog follow me so reminder: Tokusatsu as a whole is for the LGBTQA+ actually. GENUINELY one of the most homoerotic genres I’ve seen. I’ll rant in the tags but.

#tokusatsu #super sentai #Not tagging Kamen Rider for this since it's not mentioned #but. #I genuinely don't understand how someone can be into Toku AND be homophobic. #Now I'm not personally into Super Sentai yet #But so many of the characters to me (cough cough. Momotaro) come off as like. Fruity #the shows are about how hate and evil LOSE. How acceptance and love and peace win. #if you put your beliefs over real and living people that just want to exist in peace and then get mad when they have an issue when you say #that they're going to hell. You are no better than the villains of the show. You are hurting people. Idk I'm just rambling at this point #As a queer toku fan this genre means so much to me. #It's mostly Kamen Rider #But man. The themes of overcoming the evil and hate in the world by being yourself unrelentlessly #it makes me genuinely emotional. #homophobia #<- tagging for people who don't wanna see that stuff

[poppyseed799]

I feel like life series fanon jimmy is kind of mischaracterized and there’s an easy way to make sure you’re doing it right: he has a lot of unearned confidence

#the tags is where I’m going to ACTUALLY say stuff LOL!!! #but like I love life series Jimmy mkay. he’s got that curse of dying first and all. which is what I mean by fanon cuz curses aren’t real #but a lot of fans make it like Jimmy accepts the curse? or even acknowledges that it’s real. which bugs me a bit cuz No He Does Not #(side note tho. I’m not mad about it. I know ppl wanna explore the concept of someone cursed to die first and that’s what they’re doing) #but like Jimmy would just be so in denial about it okay. even if you managed to convince him he would be like ‘..BUT SURELY THIS TIME’ #and this relates to ranchers too. I love ranchers ok. mostly cuz my sister does tbh LMAOO she loves them. but ranchers fan content isn’t #what I’m looking for cuz it’s so often stuff like.. Jimmy being like ‘I’m sorry I’m cursed’ and Tango being like ‘it’s ok love u anyway’ #but it’s really more like ‘CURSED?? NO! WE WILL WIN!’ which I think is MORE fun for the aftermath of their death. meeting in the afterlife. #I NEED to see ranchers content where they keep denying that the curse is real then Jimmy dies and they’re ghosts or whatever and Jimmy’s #like ‘oh no. we didn’t break the curse. tango probably hates me now. he only liked me cuz we thought the curse wasn’t real.’ and tango to be #like upset at first as anyone would be when they die. but then he like notices the way Jimmy is acting and he’s like ‘no.. ranchers 4 life’ #???? what am I saying. hire me for writing fanfic I totally know what I’m doing. #anyways what I’m saying is Jimmy is the canary but he’s the canary that’s like ‘SURELY I can sing for the miners the whole way THIS time’ #he is NOT the canary who says ‘WELL time to eventually stop singing in this cave’ #HOWEVER I do think that although he has loads of unearned confidence and is in a constant state of denial. he does also have that crumble #sometimes. so it’s not totally ooc imo for him to act like that. but it would be rare moments and also mostly post death #ANOTHER SIDE NOTE I WANNA SAY. I HATE the way I’m saying this as if it’s fact. it’s my personal analysis and just because I think it’s right #doesn’t mean I want to present it as undeniable fact. I could be misinterpreting. if you want to interpret life!Jimmy’s character different #then go on ahead. I don’t hate fanon Jimmy I just wish I saw more like how I see him. that is all. #ok I lied I also wanna add that I’m bad at explaining things ESPECIALLY personalities so it’s possible that I didn’t convey what I wanted to #say properly too. sorry. OKAY NOW THAT IS ALL.

[concerto-roblox]

i spend a bit of time on twitter for fandom stuff bc there are some really talented artists and writers but oh my god i have to limit my time on that app so much compared to tumblr bc one tiny thing will happen and suddenly there'll be the most despair-inducing discourse ever and i genuinely want to die

#honestly twitter definitely wants people to get angry bc angry people tweet more #this is mostly abt sttwt but ig it applies to other fandoms too #like one person will say one thing and suddenly everyone sees it on their timeline and everyone and their mother is talking about it #when it really isn't that deep #and also some people are just so rude?? like the ship wars are awful and people just make stuff up and say the most horrible shit #and it's so easy to find hate accounts like i'm not opposed to being a hater of things occasionally #but today i found an account called smth like 'why people hate st*ddies' (not censored) #and it was literally just someone screenshotting all the petty drama from one niche subset of the fandom #like i just don't understand how people can have fun on twitter if they use it like intended?? #i have to turn on notifs for people i like and use the notifs as a dashboard bc the timeline will randomly show you the most rancid shit #plus i feel like twitter is actively trying to make it hard to see anything older than a day #i hate the way it's all about new new new and content content content oh my god shut up shut up shut up- #obv tumblr can have awful people too but i feel like it's so much easier to avoid stuff like that if you curate ur own experience #like on tumblr i can just block someone bc i don't wanna see their posts but on twitter blocking someone is a personal attack #and someone will write a thread about how you're a toxic bitch making the fandom worse and you hated them bc they drew b*lly h*rgrove once #and that means you're against discussing harmful topics in media and are pro censorship or smth idk #girl maybe i just don't like him and don't wanna see fanart of him ugh #i feel like maybe i'm really sensitive bc seeing people argue abt things really upsets me?? but idk i thought that was universal #but apparently people love being mad?? #anyways uh. steve/eddie nation 4 eva yass #how to be cringe 101 #i feel like i need a tag for my beef with twitter uuh #twitter hate #there

[emometalhead]

Ashley!! Curious to know what you think of Electric Touch and also what the wider FOB fandom thinks of it :)

I am entirely obsessed!! I've been trying to equally listen to the entire album, and I've failed spectacularly lol. Electric Touch is easily my most listened to on the whole album.

I think Taylor and Patrick's voices really suit each other! The bridge drives me crazy!! They complement each other so well!! Plus even beyond the vocals I like the lyrics!! "All I know is this could either break my heart or bring me back to life" is a feeling I can totally understand despite never being in a relationship.

Obviously I'm biased toward both parties, but I can safely say this song did not disappoint me! It's making me want a full collaboration between Fall Out Boy (the whole band) and Taylor even more than I already did. In the meantime, I'm happy to enjoy Electric Touch!!

I've lowkey been avoiding seeking out opinions from the wider FOB fandom. The Swemos (Swiftie emos) seem really excited about it! Like some people want it to play at Emo Nite events even. I've seen a couple older FOB fans say they like it. Some FOB fans are upset that Electric Touch is FOB's top song on Spotify rn, but I think they should have anticipated this. Also I know some people complained that the song is too pop, but again I don't know why they would expect otherwise. So long story short, I'm not sure what the consensus is or if there is a consensus! It would hurt my heart a little bit too much to see FOB fans trashing Taylor or vice versa.

Thank you so much for asking, and I'm sorry in advance about the lengthy tags!!!!! Taylor and Fall Out Boy are not subjects I'm capable of being concise about!!!!!

#also I just love that Patrick got to do the ohohohoh thing. he always nails it. that man's vocals will never cease to impress me #on the fan reaction thing I haven't seen any new negative takes on Taylor from FOB fans but I've seen some pretty rude stuff about Patrick #needless to say I blocked those people #honestly I feel like I've seen harsher reactions about Taylor from Paramore/Hayley fans which is a whole other thing #I really love the song with all of my heart. it won't leave my head. it's truly everything I wanted it to be. #I can let you know if I see more FOB fan opinions but like I said I'm pretty much avoiding them beyond Swemos #oh also with the pop thing I think some FOB fans want to forget that FOB is a POP punk band and Patrick is a pop music fan #most of the outrage I saw from FOB fans was about the whole band being named when only Patrick was involved #my take on that is it's a lot of exposure for FOB and I think Patrick would rather give them all that exposure rather than himself #especially given inital reactions to his own solo music #the rest of the band has been super supportive of the song though so I think some people are just trying to find a reason to be mad #sorry these tags are so long LOL #I thought I was done talking in the post but I was VERY wrong #idk this might be where you're fine ending the conversation but if you want my pettier thoughts about the fandoms text me lol #long long long story short! I love the song! I'm mostly avoiding fan reactions but I've seen some interesting (bad) takes on both ends #asks #fiona

[scholarhect]

i will never outgrow responding to people in confusing ways but it will be ok because people are patient :)

#post tag #wish people online were more patient. constantly you see somebody fucking up an interaction in a way that would be forgiven irl #but is punished harshly here #and then everyone laughs and reblogs it #like. idk. please consider that we are all people on here and these are all interactions #when you make a joke at somebody’s expense there is a person on the other side of the screen being made fun of! #it doesn’t happen to me but i don’t really interact with strangers online much #i dont want to get too preachy here sorry. this was supposed to be a post about how i confuse people at the start of interactions constantly #but i stumble my way to the middle of the conversation and then it’s mostly ok. frequently #however i have been thinking about how mean people can be on here recently… idk #i slept 3 hours last night and i blame the fact that i saw a tweet that pissed me off and got mad for like an hour and a half #and eventually calmed down but still couldn’t fall asleep. for some reason #anyway i wanted to say that i’m not sure if the way people react to social missteps on here is the way people want to react to me when i do #it irl. or not #i don’t . like the idea that people might want to punish me for it but feel unable to due to pressure to be polite. pressure that then doesn #t exist online #i ​hope not. lol #however i do ask you (yes you. the girl reading this. or whatever) to step back & think ‘would i say this to somebody’s face’ next time you #want to reblog with an epic comeback #oh god my sentences are getting so long. girl who simply cannot stop talking #girl who is blogginggggg <3 #ANYWAY. enough. let’s return to my original point which was that i like it when people are nice to me

[alpiku]

ah man im really hating the new tumblr mobile changes ;n ;

#i mostly use the mobile ver. and it sucks so much atm… #what actually does make me mad is they moved the tags from the search area to just ‘your tags’ on the main page #‘your tags’ water things down a lot #and it feels so boring…like I’m sorting mail #my fav thing about this hellsite was exploring individual tags!! #so just being able to click them of search was super useful!! #and it usually featured artists work as the covers (i got to see my art on a couple) #you can still access tags by clicking them on posts but i miss the shortcuts ;n ; #the fact they replaced the user icon for the store one is so dumb #tumblr i don’t want to buy things from u!! #piku rambles ☁️

[thmollusk]

being not only a little bit of a homosexual but ALSO a little bit of a transsexual AND EVEN a little bit of a former member of the church of jesus christ of latter day saints has made me the funniest person ever. like not to have a swell head but i could go on fox news and make all those guys cry with how untouchable i am

#tape.text #i flash my top surgery scars to street preachers who shout about gays going to hell #my family says homophobic stuff and i burp so hard i almost throw up #anyways this post is mostly towards the transphobic south park fans who will be the ones seeing this: #sorry you’re mad i cut off my tits. what did you wanna suck em first #kind of ranting idk. i’m tired of how freely people are being transphobic these days #ive got tough skin and can take it and am at a point where i’m privileged enough that any laws they put into place can’t do much against me #i need to defend all trans youth #TRANS KIDS LOOK AWAY while i show my hairy transgender butt towards people who want us dead #i need to use my powers of untouchable queer for good. i would genuinely be on fox news to let them yell at me #only to be like ‘i drew this picture of me making out with your dad while fucking your mom’

[dipplie]

Rant I’ll probably delete later in the tags WUH oh

#sometimes I really don’t like abled people #like I’m decently abled it’s mostly mental stuff and health stuff #but abled people will see or know a disabled person and go ‘god this is so hard on ME’ #what #this isn’t exactly the same but also maybe it is because at this point I get sick so often I might have a chronically weak immune system- #but I just like ask a question to help myself and my mom gets mad at me #ma’am my voice sounds like a paper shredder if and when I’m even able to speak and I can’t leave the house or do much of anything #and YOURE the one that’s upset #alright. #like I get being disabled or mentally divergent CAN and DOES affect personal relationships #and if someone is dragging you down their ailment isn’t an excuse #but like I am asking a question of where the pain killers and antibiotics are and I am just asking TOO much apparently #people hate disabled people so much they really really do #the way people will treat others with say Tourette’s or autism or chronic pains or- man all of it #ticks me off faster than most things #anyways learn sign language and fight for disabled access because the chances of you becoming disabled someday are not just unlikely #they are quite possible

[be-good-to-bugs]

itd be so cool if the shitty people in my life were not shitty and were actually slightly decent

#the bin #:/ i wanna stop feeling horrible abt shit with my sister but it makes me so angry and upset ALL the time #im so fucked up abt this. how could i not be. i guess. hhhhh. i dont know what to do. it sucks so much. #its so hard to deal with the aftermath of a deeply abusive relationship in general. and when you cant talk to anyone about it or tell #anyone who knows that person. and you have to continue to be nice or at least civil with them. probably forever. #that SUUUUCKS. she is so awful. shes always been awful. i want to heal from that experience but i feel like im still stuck #probably mostly because im literally physically stuck 1000 miles away from everyone else i know in a place where shes the only person i know #but even after that i think ill still feel so stuck. theres a lot of things she has that i really need to get from her before i do anything #that might make her mad at me. i want to delete our stupid chat full of uncomfortable shit vut thats gonna piss her off #she has a lot of pictures of me from when i was younger and those are pretty much the only pictures of me from then #i can barely even remember those years. id like to get those if i can. also i wanna see if i can convince her to delete all the weird videos #she took of me without my consent while i was having psychotic episodes bc like. what the fuck. AND i know she literally just shows them #to her friends and laughs at them bc shes told me she does. which is very upsetting. and if i can get her to delete them id feek so much #better and not be upset over that all the time #i just cant get iver how much she fucking sucks. she does so much fucked up shit and its so awful. why would she ever think its ok ti record #me when im not in a good headspace. without telling me. and then upload it to her snapchat also without telling me #i only found out about her doing that originally because she decided to show me some of the funny things people said about me on the #video i didnt even know existed and had no memory of what happened. she loves to claim shes so chill and nice and good about mental #illness and she understands it so much and would never ever do anything weird and ableist like that. and then does that. #i feel so much worse abiut myslef and all the behaviors i have caused by my myriad of mental shit specifically because of her #ugh i am so not looking forward to being in a car with her for 20 hours when i move. but thats how it has to be.

[sweetlittlemosments]

That's about how long it takes for me to follow directions properly 😅

#cute blog #pastel blog #food #food blog #I guess #oops #eating is all i do tho #so i guess it makes sense that this is shifting into a food blog #not mad about it #its various flavors of banana bread btw #and as you can see they are still being enjoyed regardless of their poor quality #😌 #mostly by me #but still #i like this part of posting on here #feels like i can be myself without being obnoxious #journal #journal 8

[thebibliosphere]

Not to keep reliving trauma on main, but I'm getting weird deja vu from where my health was a few years ago and where it's at now. And most of it is revolving around Good Omens.

In May of 2019, we genuinely thought I was dying because I was dying. My organs were in the process of shutting down because my red blood cells were prematurely self-destructing and damaging my kidneys in the process, and I was rapidly coming to terms with the fact that I might not survive much longer. I'd fought the good fight, and I'd lost. Mostly due to medical neglect. And I was mad about a lot of things, but do you know what I remember from the traumatic blur I'm left with?

"I'm going to be so pissed if I die before Good Omens comes out."

I'd waited 20+ years at that point for something like a tv adaptation of Good Omens. Ever since I was a child and my dad read the book to me, and I fell in love with it. And here I was, mere weeks away from the TV release and on the verge of death.

Then like a miracle, a miracle that hinged on human compassion and a doctor being willing to listen to me, I was saved. Dragged back from the jaws of death by a relentless hematology department that refused to give up on me and ultimately saved my life. And a week later, I got to watch Good Omens propped up in my own bed, still weak, still ill, with my heart stuttering in my chest every time I laughed. And I remember thinking, "I did it. I got to see it."

That it's now it's 2023 and my health has tanked again. My organs are rebelling against me and no one seems to know why. But yet again, a few weeks before Good Omens is set to release, I find a doctor who listens to me and is doing all he can to help. Striving with the grim kind of determination that can only come from a place of compassion and care. Like my world is worth saving, and not just his.

Which is rather fitting, I think.

#good omens #death mention #chronic health tag #I'm not saying it's a sign #I'm just saying if Neil wants to keep writing more Good Omens content #I will not object

[david-watts]

I feel kinda bad about those comments I made on that one post because I was being a bit of a dick, and it was because I was tired and misunderstanding exactly why people get so mad about ‘tiktok punks’ (please just call them posers. that word already exists and means what you mean) but like. I do stand by the fact that I don’t care if people end up buying from ethically awful places since it’s not easy or affordable to avoid, and quite frankly I understand if someone’s a bit lazy about it. but that one person accusing me of thinking ‘slavery is punk’ genuinely made me realise those posts about reading comprehension on this site being godawful aren’t hyperbole

#just been thinking about it again. mostly out of anxiety thinking people hate me for it #and yeah sure hate me for it. I'm not in charge of you. #my entire point had actually been in favour but that I could understand why someone would buy from sh**n #I mean I wasn't aware at the time the levels of laziness I thought the most was like. preripped tshirts and jeans with generic plain patches #already added. not like prepatched stuff with actual slogans like that's antithetical to the spirit #so like with that context you can see why I thought it was a bit harsh #now I'm even more 'yeah makes sense' about it #and yeahhh I shouldn't have doubled down like that but I was tired and mad because I'd remembered how fucking hard it is to find shit where #I live like. you have the usual 'if you're not skinny you're fucked' problem but the other problem is that there is a big reselling problem #where I live. it's been happening with furniture for a long time and as soon as nicer clothing started appearing it happened with clothes #and when I say 'nicer' I mean 'not totally dogshit' #and tbh? the stuff in the op shops was also likely made with slave labour. just because you didn't buy it doesn't mean it wasn't bought #and it doesn't stop the company from using slavery. so like. #oh and when I say 'I was tired and mad' that's not an excuse that's a reason why. #and that quote that led to the dogshit reading comprehension was about the fact 'it's nothing new that companies use subcultures #to make a quick buck' and that it's not entirely improbable that it'll eventually get considered part of the fashion #which yeah I actually understand that being awful in this circumstance because not that I've looked but it probably looks dogshit #yeah. I think my point about nuance stands most #on one hand; posers suck. companies trying to make a quick buck suck. slavery sucks. trying to op shop sucks. #but it's not like all of it can be avoided and if so like. maybe put some effort into it #genuinely don't understand people buying prepatched stuff. like actual slogan patches. that's incredibly boring #the point is that you customise it you fools #my problem really is that I automatically think the best of people. oh they can't be that bad. yes they are you dumbfuck.

[hedgehog-moss]

The lower rung of the ladder in my kitchen broke last month and I stuck a little Post-it note on the wall to remind myself to step over the missing rung so I wouldn't break my leg every time I go up or downstairs—but then my mum came to visit and she saw me hopping over the gap in the ladder with practised ease and her face was the definition of "you live like this?" And she went to get a screwdriver to unscrew the ladder from the wall so we could carry it outside and repair it.

Some people see a broken ladder and immediately open a toolbox to fix the problem; some people see a broken ladder and stick a Post-it note to the wall to train themselves to step over the problem forever. (I admit my response is inferior.)

I think I felt daunted at the thought of tinkering with this ladder because it's been here in the same place for over a century and I pictured the whole thing crumbling into dust if we tried to move it—but no, it's still solid, except the lower rung. Which wasn't damaged by time, but by Pandolf. (And some insects. But mostly Pandolf.)

When he was a baby, for a week or so after I took him home, he was extremely upset about having to spend the night in his dog bed in the kitchen while I went upstairs to my bedroom, he would cry and cry and one night in a fit of despair and rage he attacked the ladder. The next morning I found the lower rung (the only one he could reach) looking like it had been attacked by a termite colony, but it was Pandolf's pointy little puppy teeth. By the look of it he'd spent half the night furiously gnawing on it until he dropped from exhaustion—his reasoning was clearly that if he destroyed the ladder, I wouldn't be able to go upstairs anymore and would be forced to spend the night on the floor of the kitchen with him.

It's really hard to be mad at baby Pandolf, though. Go on, try.

Eventually he got used to sleeping in his dog bed and he abandoned his ladder destruction project, but the lower rung has been fragile ever since, and it finally broke last month.

My mum is extremely efficient; she sent me to the barn to find some kind of thick board (you can find anything in the barn if you have a torch and aren't afraid of bats or century-old spiderwebs) and when I came back she had prepared all the tools and taken all the measurements.

The worst part was tapering the sides so the rung would fit in the notches, because if one side was a little bit thinner than the other then it was wobbly—

—plus I used a file at first and it took forever (Pandolf was so bored), but then I remembered I own a sanding machine and it went a lot faster. So much so that my mum said I should make a second rung while I was at it—she was motivated to replace all of them, but then it started raining and we decided the rest of the ladder is solid enough and we'll replace the rungs two at a time.

I always forget that it feels satisfying to fix things! There's this little spark of pride from then on when you look at the repaired thing because you helped make it. I tend to procrastinate because I assume it'll take ages or I'm worried I'll do it wrong, until someone who's more confident with their hands than me goes like "no come on, we just need a saw, a file, a hammer, it'll take an hour tops" and we do it and it's never as difficult as I feared. (My mum: "We gave you a toy toolbox when you were little, to smash sexist stereotypes, and you're afraid of fixing things :( ...") (I cheered her up by reminding her that my brother smashes sexist stereotypes by being also afraid of fixing things.)

But yeah I spent half an hour sanding down the sides of these two lower rungs and now I look at my ladder and remember the delightful feeling of getting the tapering just right and inserting them into their slots effortlessly like a VHS tape into a VCR. I have a whole new affection for my kitchen ladder now.