#why am i so not okay with transitioning | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

boxwinebaddie · 2 months

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is fingerbang in rm?

oooooh...iiiiinteresting.

but i'm gonna say no. :/

i Wish i could put them in rm because that would be so iconic, but there's just too much crossover with the characters; i wouldn't know how to work it into the story with everything going on already.

however! i will raise you this:

so back in the stone ages when i used to run the BWB twitter, i came across a post that you might remember me retweeting/replying to a tweet with a picture of fingerbang kyle and regular stan in it.

at the top of the post, someone retweeted it saying something to the effect of 'ugh, i hate celebrity x fan plots, so boring lol' and maybe it's petty but that made me heeeellla overprotective and Viciously Angry bc that's the plot premise of my entire fanfic and i literally don't think it's boring at all??? yes, i'm insane.

that pissed me off, lmao.

but anyways i was looking at that picture of finger bang kyle and regular boy stan and was like...oh my god it's just rm in reverse???

so here's my pitch for the reverse remember au fic aka...

forget?

shdlkshdlkah

so i think that the plot premise or chapter one would hinge on the fact that it is shelley's birthday. and for shelley's birthday, she and her friend got two tickets to go see finger bang live and in concert, world famous boy band, like one direction, beatle-mania level famous.

buuuuuut her friend backs out at the last minute, so she's left with this extra ticket and that girl was her ride so she basically can't go.

let's leave that off to the side for a moment though, so i can tell you a little about what i think forget au stan marsh would be like...

who i think...

is an absolute fucking LOSER.

like i am talking major loner-stoner energies, has literally one friend and i think its butters who is also his roommate, never goes outside, literally just holes up in his room playing his guitar, writes a bunch of really dark edgelordy songs no one will ever hear — they are actually quite good, but again, sort of political and bleak and beat-poetic, is a serious music snob, like really really fucking annoying about music...might bring him working at vinyl tap back, but i also support city wok delivery boy stan, basically only goes outside to barely pay attention in class ( he's a music major at cu denver ), go to work so that he can buy more pizza, beer, video games and i think he's saving up for a really fancy guitar or to see shows which are his safe place.

i predict that he probably is still bleach blonde stan, i maintain that he can still be half mexican like ravenstan, could be really cute if he brushed his hair and stopped slouching, vegetarian, wears the same beanie from high school, rotates the same like four or five tee shirts which are all covered in stains, full of holes, etc. most of them are band shirts or 100% hemp tegridy farms work shirts from when he was working there in high school which he barely got through, btw, cs get degrees, probably wears the iconic stan leather jacket that is obnoxiously covered in pins, big baggy jeans, like, huge, and ofc, the stan marsh combat boots bc he's an midwest emo king.

i assume he has all the stan piercings, certainly the nose one...should i give him the ravenstan lip piercing for shits and gigs? some tattoos?

but yeah, i love him but he's pathetic. he has like zero social skills. he had one girlfriend and it was wendy and they broke up a million times because he kept accidentally fucking up by boyfailing too hard. bi but i don't think he really knows that. like i feel like he has some bi panic moments but he kind of just takes a shot and swallows those down and tries not to think about it so stan probably thinks he's straight.

interesting.

anyways! stan is gearing up to go to this gigantic metal festival that he's ben waiting for..Forever but then gets a call from his mom who is like "stanley marsh, it is your SISTER'S BIRTHDAY! you are driving her to this concert and that is final!" he complains soooooo much like shelley why are you fucking ruining my life to go see gay one direction????? holy shit???? i hate my life????

but the hotel room(s) are already paid for and stan has the tegridy farms family truck ( riley made me moderately obsessed with little beat up pick up truck farm boy stan i love him ) aka weed for speed aka mary jane ( she is stan's baby ) so he picks shelley up who tries to play finger bang the whole way there but stan is a snob and he is like i am driving i am picking the music, but shelley and him keep fightng and probably break the radio and they have to sit in silence hdlksah, the whole time shelley is going on and on and ON about finger bang and how obsessed she is specifically with kyle, who stan doesn't know much about other than the fact that he is little and ginger?

sigh we can have tall boyfail loser midwest emo weed farm skater boy stan and short cute fresh faced world famous popstar kyle as a treat, you are welcome to everyone, but mostly riley.

also because i gave jersey an accent, i mean, i don't think forget finger bang stan has a super strong accent but there's probably a little twang there just from being all the way out there in super hick nowheresville rural colorado, it kind of embarasses him so he doesn't talk much or very loudly at all, might have a slight stammer?

idk i love him he's a qt. <3

anyways they get there and it is PACKED!!!!! it is literally hell, stan is so overstimulated holy shit, like forget ( why am i calling it that like that is so fucking funny ) stan is so introverted, he is not vibing. also because it's all mostly screaming girls with signs and stuff, shelley is one of them, she is holding up this really obnoxious one that says 'DEFILE ME, KYLE' on it like gOOOOOOD.

he's in hell fr fr fr.

but it gets worse because right before they are about to get in, this group of rabid fans runs by and one of them knocks her red sugary drink all over stan and completely douses his shirt. he's ready to die. the hotel is too far away, so he has to go into the stadium store and buy something to wear but sigh...the only option...

is black tee-shirt with the words FINGERBANG ME <3 in a big pink glittery font...but sigh...*raven vc* at least it's black. he has no choice but to buy it rip the guitar fund.

he goes back in with shelley and the finger bang boys come out i think its cartman, kenny, kyle and wendy but...wendyl? might be kinda spicy if stan's ex-boyfriend was in fb, also bc that makes him confused about his sexuality...nina rm/fb trans rights, baby!

stan hates everything about their upbeat, capitalistic, commercialist vibe, all of it is really obnoxious bubble gum pop stuff meant to be peddled to teenage girls, its almost propaganda and makes stan sick.

which, speaking of, the songs are bad, but the singing, he's realizing, is actually quite good, particularly the singing done by the little ginger finger bang boy who shelley is obsessed with who...for some reason stan really cannot take his eyes off of. he also thinks he might be crazy but he swears they accidentally locked eyes a couple times, which meant stan had to take a swig of flask he stashed in his jacket.

but i'm gonna finish this post out with a bang or, rather, a finger bang if you will, because i think ala the virigin sacrifice schtick in rm, they probably single some audience members out...

shelley picks the extremely oppurtune moment before that happens to use the restroom and basically pawns her gigantic DEFILE ME KYLE SIGN off on him, so he's just holding this kyle sign and the FINGER BANG ME teeshirt so naturally, fingerbang kyle thinks he's a fan, gets really close to him, winks, steals his beanie, replaces it with his white, blingy, fluffy ushanka and says

"Hey Cutie,

Wanna Get Finger Banged?" <3 ;) xxx

LKHDSLKSHLKHSLKHD I CAN JUST SEE RURAL BOY MIDWEST EMO STAN HEAVY BREATHING HAVING A BI PANIC ATTACK LIKE OHHHH GOD OH GOD LITERALLY CANT SPEAK FEELS LIKE HES GONNA THROW UP FB!KYLE RIZZ IS WAY TOO STRONG HELP

anyways...Scene.

this was so funny to me. like obviously it's not a real thing or anything but it was interesting to imagine an alternative world where finger bang is the famous band and kyle is the big celebrity, not stan. i think maybe they're looking for a 5th member and butters joins the band??? also maybe style have some secret red string of fate tying them together that neither of them know abt?

live, laugh, fingerbang.

uncle nina, celebrity x fan enthusiast

#this was so funny to me i don't know what the hell this is #but it made me laugh so there #finger ban(d) supremacy baby!#this kind of thrilled me so u can ask me silly questions about the fake forget fingerband universe if you want #i am a little obsessed with lanky introverted mid west emo music snob music major rural colorado weed farm boy stan #and tiny bubblegum pop boy next door super cheeky flirty it boy golden boy kyle who probably has a lot of demons and #idk i get the feeling he's got some sort of secret addiction or really dark past...something i think fb stan can sense in his aura #do i give fb stan the stan-a-thesia #idk but he can tell that hes putting on some kind of act #something about maybe having wendy become wendyl #and end up in fingerbang just seems dramatic and interesting to me and really explores sexuality and gender identity #fb stan is repressed that whole fanfic by the way holy shit #i guess its enemies to lovers again #i love drama #i feel like butters is butters and not marjorine #but maybe also transitions through my fake fic #why do i kind of like midwest emo stans twang deep country backwoods colorado accent and his awkward stammer #kyles voice is beautiful by the way he also can do ballet <333 #he is very cute stan is sick all the time its so bad #OKAY IM DONE ARE WE OBSESSED #oh god what if i had finger bang order city wok #and stan deliver it oh my god #luv my fake fic #where is the prissy preppy rich boy kyle visits tegridy farms and has a paris hilton simple life moment and gets chased by the farm animals #and doesnt know how to milk cows or shuck corn or anything and stan driving the tractor and pitching bails of hay shirtless #that is the content i want to see

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mothbeasts · 8 months

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ok since you're the fabby expert riddle me this bc i've been thinking abt this all day for some reason. what do u think like. her childhood/young adulthood was like. i rotate her in my head all the time but it is SO difficult to think abt her outside of the state she's currently in now. i know she didn't spawn upon this earth like that. but that's the only way i can picture it so i need insider intel on this subject

SO glad you asked because i think about this extensively. disclaimer that this probably does not line up with Actual Canon it's just my fun little version of events that happens in my brain.

With that out of the way. What was younger fabby like?

For starters. she was 100% a theater kid and finds it embarrassing as an adult. But you cannot stop being a theater kid. Ever.

Honestly. I feel like she was fairly normal as a kid. Maybe a bit TOO interested in morbid things like poison and murder but honestly. That feels Normal. She would've been the kind of kid who like enacted the strangest scenarios and drama with dolls I think.

Things get interesting at around her young adult era. See, in my mind, a lot of her issues started at around that time. Her general constant stress and poor sleep schedule were Definitely worse when she started university. But she powered through (mostly on spite) to get her engineering degree anyways. And then got a job with Zoraxis. Which in no way helped anything ever. In my mind she also got a minor in an art field - not entirely sure what but that's just how I imagine it going. Probably something fashion related, if we wanna take that watch poster into account.

Another thing in my mind is that she was far more reserved in. i wanna say the late teens-early 20s range. Quiet, not really drawing attention. Very absorbed in her studies. Her turn towards evil science was kind of simultaneous with her becoming more like the Fabricator we see in the games; by the time she's gotten a cozy spot near the top of Zoraxis, she's got her act perfected. But the perfect evil science persona DOES take time to craft and that wasn't really the direction she had intended to go at first. She started off just wanting to go into normal engineering or something. Even into her early days with Zoraxis, she was a bit eccentric perhaps but not quite at evil science level for some time.

I think her interest in poisons and such started to take a turn for the worse when she got access to university level chemistry labs. And then her engineering education obviously went towards murder.

The summary is she was honestly Pretty Normal in my mind up until she started working for Zoraxis. After that she realized she actually thinks the whole evil thing is fun and she wants in on it.

HONORARY OTHER HEADCANON MENTION: I tend to draw her with a prosthetic arm. Why, you ask? Lab Incident. She accidentally blew herself up really bad. This happened shortly after the start of her career at Zoraxis.

#fabricator ieytd #related to the first point. in my mind shes the kind of person who refuses to say 'macbeth'. idk why it came to me in a vision or something #this isn't even touching on my transgender beam attack headcanons. but i get oddly embarrassed about those so i will refrain i think #something something the mortifying ordeal of. projecting somewhat.#i will say that in myyyy mind at least shes trans. only really transitioned after going off to university.#also need to note that if any of this is contradicted in the third game anywhere. i have not gotten to play it yet be niceys to me #gestures vaguely. idk how much of this is like vaguely coherent rambling and how much actually makes sense #words hard i am just rotating fabby in my mind like shes in a microwave #timeline is like.#she's normal > she's Stressed but Normal > she starts getting a bit strange > zoraxis hires her > oh okay shes just killing now. cool.#her descent into villainy was honestly really fast.#like. she didnt realize her job was evil science at first but the second it clicked she fully embraced it. her evil arc

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non-un-topo · 6 months

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"It's not dysphoria" I say as I write an entire assignment on my own invisible queerness and gender identity, and as I feel like tearing my skin off and crawling into a cave forever

#i love that this seems to happen every october sdfghfd #those who have been here long enough know the pattern by now #but what am i gonna do about it? nothing probably. idk maybe something when i'm 45 #i would be more okay with all this if i wasn't fucking 5'1 with the biggest girly baby eyes ever #god when cis people say 'but you're so pretty' all sad like it's a shame i'm not dolling myself up.#maybe i can pass as an 11 year old boy. and maybe passing isn't the point. but i would at least like a CRUMB.#....ah. that's why i'm so messed up rn. probably this assignment / research topic i'm choosing #and also having to keep my partner's transition a secret. it's not hard i just worry that someone in the family will find out #that's probably why i've procrastinated working on this assignment for so long lol. it's too personal.#i also had one of those days yesterday where i felt like everyone was scrutinizing me. and maybe a few old men actually were #but i mean who cares? but still can't queer people just exist without being a spectacle?#without cis people constantly trying to 'figure them out'?

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orcelito · 5 months

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Read the most depressing trauma dumping letter Ever sent to me from my mother and then went right into the manager meeting where I had to get it thrown in my face AGAINNNN that I'm a fuckup who's doing nothing right, as if Saturday wasn't one of the most humiliating days of my life

I need to fucking scream. I need to fucking break things. But it's nearly 10 pm and I can't do Shit because if I throw shit in my apartment I'll scare my cats and I don't want to break my shit and I can't leave my apartment because it's fucking 10 pm and that's Dangerous but I need to release this energy somehow because I. Am. So. Fucking. Fed UP with life. It feels like no one sees how much I'm trying, it's always always always always my fuckups. Always always always. And meanwhile I've been slipping in a major way and I'm trying so hard to keep myself on track but I am

Needing to calm down. Before I start thinking drastic things.

I'm just so. Fucking. Frustrated.

I'm trying. Does anyone see that I'm trying? Can anyone fucking tell me they see I'm trying?

Of course not. We have to remind me that I'm a fuckup who's awful at their job. Of course :)

#speculation nation #negative/#i feel like.im going to explode #Dont Mind Me i just had to get the words out #skimming over the letter thing with this one just bc i dont think i want to talk about that actually #i just really shouldn't have read that before the meeting.#but whatever. too late now.#i need to either curl up in a ball never to see the light of day again #or go on a screaming rampage to break Everything in my path and release all of the energy all at once.#maybe then id feel okay #but probably not.#im. just going to keep trying my best. but holy fucking shit i feel so severely under appreciated #i know i havent been doing my best in some areas but im trying to fix them #im taking the criticism into consideration and working hard to fix my behavior #and several of the things are largely me not knowing the exact perfect thing to do in the current transition #i got chewed out for so much on Saturday and one thing was the way i sent the list #which was how the prior manager had me do it. how the fuck was i supposed to know he wanted it differently?#i did it the way he wanted it today. working hard like the pathetic little dog i am.#arf arf look at me do my tricks. why arent you praising me? this is what you wanted isnt it?#oh we still have to talk about the things you already humiliated me for? no recognition for all the things ive been trying to do?#only ever the fuckups? only ever the fuckups! only ever the fucking fuckuos.#maybe itll get better. i hope itll get better. ill try my best to make it better.#but if it doesnt get better and it's always only my fuckups all the time always then why the fuck should i stay here #part of why ive stayed here for so long is the comfort of familiarity. but right now i dread going to work for more than just working.#i dread being exposed to this atmosphere. it feels like a place of comfort and familiarity has turned into a place of ridicule.#i already prostrated myself. i already took a ton of tip points away from myself for what were honest mistakes.#what more do you fucking Want from me?#shall i strip myself bare and flog myself to show im truly repentant? would that be enough?#of course not. it never is.#devalued and humiliated. i never want to step foot in that store again. but i need money. and so i shall go. i guess.

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caernua · 5 months

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considering a poe theme…. a poe title… even a poe url….

#can’t remember the last time i got so obsessed with a viddy game franchise 💜 oops #i know this blog has always been about ac but we’re in a transitional period okay #i cut all my hair off i’m movin to another country this is serious 💅💅💅#.txt #who am i kidding we all know i’ll go back as soon as i get my hands on mirage BUT I’M ENJOYING THE FANTASY RPGS RN OKAY #it’s why i’m playing 3 of them at the same time (4 when dai finishes downloading)#i am mentally stable

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weenhands · 6 months

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ummmm...venting *sigh*

#okay so uhhhh #i was doing dishes #and yesterday i kinda told myself i wanna give up trying to be happier again #or at all #because its making my brain go absolutely fucking insane trying to understand why. Im like this at least for ghe past 6 years #i kinda realized today first off im not sad. im not. rlly depressed or anything but ofc sometimes but in General No i am not sad.#i am just. here. and not in an empty way (but ofc i have my episodes sometimes)#i am vibing.#so like im fine right. but i ask myself after i go thru a massive mental cycle of questioning whats going on in my life #“my life is so. empty why is it so empty im bored its quiet nothing is happening”....#and yeah nothing is happening and. its not sometbing wrong im doing. im not focusing too much on this. im not living life wrong.#its not a routine or a way of life i need to adapt #i think i just had a sudden realization that my life is just so quiet #these past few years have been so quiet and its cuz of me going thru this transitional period and also going from hs to uni #highschool in general i had so many friends and lots of classes. i had robin 2 minutes away. now shes 1 hour away #uni i dont talk to anyone. i hsve like one class per day. workload is harder and i have no friends and worse social anxiety #im also coming back from thr pandemic #so not only is it because of massive changes in everyday life that cause my life to be more. silent #but its also that alot of the stuff i was going thru snd fixating on since grade 11 #stripped me of my hobbies and everyday pleasures #my favorite youtubers and writing poetry everyday. fuck i used to draw so often #the movies and tv shows id watch. everything all of that is gone because i was. Tending to this one extremely sad and heartbreaking goal #which i dnt wanna discuss #butnim glad its over now.#so now im left in this new period of my lifr where im an adult and life is more empty and less.....On the run. and i lost everything #outside of me that made me happy #so maybe i do go thru depressive episodes and stuff but in a general sense. these r why my life is rhe way that it is i thought i was doing #something wrong for so long but im not #i used to wake up at 6am everyday. now i wake up later most days...#i think i just need to ask myself. do i lean into this silence or change it. Whatever.

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urboymutual · 2 years

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#i dont know why i keep calling my mom #and trying to convince her my life is worth living. trying to convince her that its okay for me to be trans please still love me #and everytime she hurts me worse #she keeps choosing church over me and it hurts so bad #i beg her to go to pflag i beg her to just please stop hurting me #and she says she has more important things to do like bible study and church #and it hurts so much #bceause i guess all i want is one day she'll answer the phone and tell me it's okay that she loves me loves me for who i am and accepts me #that i can call her about my transition (because it makes me happy and i want to share my happiness) and she'll be happy too #instead of saying i mutuliate my body #sorry for fhis rant #tw transphobia

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last-of-cheese · 2 years

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So I hear you like to fetishize trans people. Do me a favor and choke on a fat one and die you piece of shit. ;) You're like 30 you should know better. But don't worry, I've already let everyone we're mutual with know this and to steer clear of you, peace.

How can I fetishize trans people when I myself am a trans person. Like how in the actual fuck does that make any sense.

Lets have a huge breakdown as to why it took so fucking long for me to come out as a tranmasc individual. Not that I should have to fucking explain myself to anyone, but just because I'm feeling spicy let's fuckin go.

So for many years before coming out as fully transmasc I identified as genderfluid which still falls under the fucking trans category you dumbass. Anytime you identify as a gender that is not your assigned gender at birth you're considered within the trans category. Yes I tended to use feminine pronouns because I just didn't want to argue with people, but that doesn't really mean I felt comfortable with them. From about 2010/2011-2019 when I finally came out I had a full on gender identity crisis, and while going through therapy with my current therapist she thinks that I probably was most of my life actually.

I was the first AFAB person born to my family name in almost a century (I think it was like 98 years or something like that.) That kind of shit sticks with you when your grandfather parades you around like the family crown jewel because of that shit. Like for a very long time that kind of fact was drilled into my fucking head by my family that that's what I was. That was my status and basically my identity. So when I started feeling very out of my skin and not like I'm supposed to be what everyone has drilled into me it made me feel very much like I was letting the family down. Like I was not allowed to be my true self. I HAD to stay a female because of my status to the family name. I really hate to say it, but now with my grandparents being dead, along with my dad, I feel less of that pressure. Along with age and seeing a lot of my other trans friends just being themselves and truly living the life they want and being happy I figured I deserved that too. I'm not really super close to my dad's side of the family anymore which sucks. I've mentioned I've come out as trans to them, and they're all very supportive of me which is a great relief to me. Both sides of my family have been rather supportive of me actually. My grandparents on my mom's side still misgender me once in a while, but they're catching themselves, and correcting themselves quicker without making a big deal out of it which is great.

As I stated above talking with my current therapist she actually believes I've always known I was trans, but with all the trauma and I guess you could say family guilt it was just pushed to the side. I also grew up in an incredibly small community so I had no fucking idea that was a thing that was possible as a child. I just thought I was a weird fuckin tomboy ass girl growing up. It's not like my therapist is just throwing out theories either. She works very closely with the transgender community. Both youth and adult. And she works closely with the trans center at the University of Minnesota. (Be it referring her patients for hormones/surgeries/further therapy, or the center recommending her as a therapist to their patients.) She's really helped me come a long way and honestly I don't know where I'd be without her.

Out of these past three and a half years of coming out as trans... these past four and a half months have probably been the best of my entire 31 years of life. Wanna know why. I've been on testosterone. I for the first time in my whole life really feel like myself. I actually have the energy and the will to do things. My depression is manageable for the first time in I don't even remember how long. A lot of my other health issues are also more manageable than they have been in a really long time. The only thing being on testosterone hasn't fixed are my seizures, and that's because I don't think hormones can fix a TBI. Yeah I'm a little more irritable right before my next T shot, but that's, once again, something I'm working on with my therapist to find ways to cope through and work on managing.

I did for a period of time in the beginning question myself a lot too. Amongst the whole first AFAB person born to my family name in so long, and basically 90% of my friends circle was within the trans umbrella... there was a short bit of time in that gender identity crisis where I felt like I was just feeling how I felt because I was just wanting to be like all my friends. And trust me that was the very FIRST thing I addressed with my therapist even before I came out. Like I wanted to really know this was me and not just my wanting to be a part of the crowd. I know that can happen sometimes, and if that's what I was going through at the time then I would have accepted it, worked through it, and moved on. However, that is not was this was. I. AM. TRANSGENDER

All in all coming out has been the BEST decision of my life. I cry with joy over every new facial hair I see pop up. Every time my voice cracks I laugh because it sounds hilarious, and I know it means good things are coming. Whoever you are.... I'm sorry you feel this way about me. I hope this makes you see differently, but if not... I really don't care. Because I'm happy with who I am. I'm living my life for me. I don't fetishize the trans community, or trans people for that matter. Besides how the fuck would one do that when their asexual anyways. It just took me a little longer than most to be tired of hiding their real self behind the self they were assigned. I hope you're living you're best life too, and you're able to accept this.

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recoverings · 7 months

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dunno how to describe the specific delemmma ive been in my whole life of: ive always dated fat people bc i find them more physically attractive and usually they are more mentally intresting as well. however, my crippling eating disorder keeps me stressed about becoming fat. why? why if i find fat more beautiful, is it not ok for me? why does my brain say "fat looks good on everyone...but not me" why? why not me? and how can i change it?

#txt #not asking for advice just venting #bc ive always found fat people so beautiful. why am i not allowed to be that too?#im sure its somwthing deep in my childhood. i wish i could understand it #bc i always am in awe of fat bodies. they were made to make art out of and be appreciated #but why when i see myself gaining weight that i become scared? am i not becoming what i find so beautiful? why is not ok for only //me//??#i always think it must be internalized fatphobia but how come those thoughts only apply to me and no one else? how come i crave it and find #it beautiful but on me its not okay? its a lot like my gender. why are others allowed to transition but not me?

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merrygomp3 · 1 year

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another dream.., v vivid and intense that it woke me up too..,,

this one was about an older friend i had at my cc. irl i texted him recently to see if he wanted to reconnect. we stopped speaking bc of covid, he sorta dated my friend but it did not go well at all, and later he moved out of cali. so we kinda drifted apart but i’ve been missing him a lot recently so i texted him. he didn’t respond and idk if it’s bc thats no longer his number or bc he didn’t want to answer me. and i won’t know. we used to follow each other on insta but his insta has been deleted and he never followed me from a new one so i can’t contact him there. needless to say, i’ve been thinking recently that i’ve kinda “lost” this old friend that i really loved and cared about.

i looked up to him and recently, since i was thinking about him, i kinda got to realizing that i think i had a crush on him too. he was intense in a way that i liked. he was also funny and idk, maybe my memory is making my time with him sweeter in my head but i do know that i liked him! i don’t think he liked me in the same way but he def gave me attention i was not used to at the time.

in my dream, i did get to reconnect with him! he texted me and offered me to come visit him in some town that was full of trees and bushes. and it was like old times. we were hanging out in his bedroom and he was laughing and smiling. it was just good. he was packing up to go somewhere and wanted me to come. it felt kind of flirty too. i liked it. i’m not much of a flirter but i liked how it felt in my dream. he was v sex positive irl so i guess in my dream that translated to me seeing some of his sex toys that he was packing too. anyway, we got on a bus to go to this place. and my friend who he dated and another friend were trying to stop me. warning me that it wasn’t a good idea. it was like having guardian angels only i could see.

turns out he wanted me to meet some of his friends. and they were almost all white. and he also had a white girlfriend, it was so strange. irl i noticed he had a habit of liking almost only white ppl (inlcuding whitetinos) but i didnt think much of it (or tried not to). but idk in my dream it felt weird. like i think in my dream i had a feeling he liked me too but seeing him with a white girlfirned felt almost v direct. because i’m not white or a girl.

and i watched him hide away with her in a room and suddenly i felt young again and felt shame. like awkwardly standing in a beautiful kitchen surrounded by ppl i didnt know while my friend went away with his girlfriend. blonde hair, blue eyes, thin. and i felt like a fool. i felt old shame.

ended up waking up after that, and i think theres a lot of subconscious things going on in my head and my mind used him as a way to project. but it was also bittersweet to have him like me in return in my dream just to have it be ripped away from me by me.

not much more to say. it just felt very vivid and real.

#nube text #shame always haunts me even in my dreams #i hate that it even aimed to ruin an old friendship in my dream #tried to make me feel bad about myself in so many ways #gonna have to meditate and journal about this one today gays #its hard growing from a toxic shame that i've had since i was young #but maybe the dream is good since its allowing me to be active in reminding myself that im okay where i am #with who i am #that i shouldnt have anything to apologize for #i think that includes my transness too #hes trans and i felt a little intimidated that he could pass and i wasnt trying to transition at that time #i didnt even realize i was a trans man at the time but i felt weirdly envious #which i understand now why #anyway where every u are E i hope ur good i still miss u man #and hope u've stopped only dating white ppl lol

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hoshigray · 1 month

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I told you I was going to do it and here I am lmao. Any who reader and Toji are bumming on the couch watching a movie within the movie there is a spicy scene involving 69 that is mediocre. It gives reader an idea to make a bet with Toji to see who can last the longest. Toji isn't budging at first but when the reader mentions that they want to do in the same position within the movie (something they never did before) he gladly accepts the challenge. I'll leave the plot and ending up to you love. I know you will work your magic for him.

69 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋𝐒 𝐒𝐎 𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐄 .ᐟ | toji fushiguro

hehehe ty jazz, i'll do my best for youuu ☆☆☆

𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬: Toji x fem/afab! reader - explicit content; minors DNI - masturbation (m! receiving) - 69 position - oral (f! + m! receiving) - impact play (spanking + f! receiving) - overstimulation - clitoral play (licking and sucking) - pet names (baby, doll, mama, pretty thing) - mention of saliva/spit. 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 1.9k

“Wow….this movie kinda sucks.”

“Mhm…Aye, y’re the one who wanted to watch this shit.”

“Well, I mean, at least it’s…semi-enjoyable.”

Toji and you were sitting on the couch, winding down in the living room after a nourishing dinner. One of the many things you liked to do with your man was to watch movies, figuring that would be a perfect thing to do during the downtime to chill and huddle with your man. What you didn’t expect, however, was how underwhelming the movie seemed.

It was one of those rated R movies batted around within the year, figuring now would be an ideal time to get to it. Welp, it was entertaining enough for you two to continue watching. Now, being midway through, it’s getting a little frustrating to deal with.

“Oh, okay…” annnnnd now the film has transitioned to an abrupt sex scene….how great. “I guess this is why it’s rated R.”

The sex scene you two were watching was…average at best. You’ve seen way spicier scenes in your life — hell, literal cringey porn you’ve watched with your friends was heavily more explicit than this. There was the rushed kissing, the frantic clothes coming off, no amount of foreplay whatsoever — just heading right into it, exaggerated cries coming from the woman as the guy frantically humps her nude frame.

You observe the scene through a neutral gaze as you lay against Toji’s side, his arm stretched to your shoulder to keep you close. But then, your head tilts when something on the screen catches your attention.

The camera pans to the guy’s face, who’s lying on the bed as the other straddles them, facing his lower half. For a few seconds, you can only see the guy’s face until the camera follows him going closer to the girl’s ass that’s hovered before him. His tongue sticks out before he propels his mouth to her bottom, and her muffled moans can be heard off-screen with his grunts.

Loud, amateur sounds aside, the position sparked something for you to turn and ask the following to your boyfriend: “Hey, Toji?” He hums, feeling the vibration of his voice from your hand on his chest. “Have you ever done that position?”

You can see his eyebrows trench down — not bewildered by your question, but pondering how he could answer truthfully. “Mmm…I think so? Been a long while, though.”

You nod aimlessly with your eyes glued to the screen, hearing the woman’s whimpers get a bit louder as the guy grasps her ass while “eating her out.” The thought of being on top of Toji and his mouth and hands on your body like that, you had to bite the inside of your cheek to remind yourself not to get too—

“Why you ask; ya horny?” Well, you can’t be too modest around this man, huh. You finally turn to look at him, prepared for the smirk he greets you with. A smile is all you reply with. “Sorry, baby, I don’t know about tonight. Kinda tired.”

For a few seconds, you’re on his side. You understand he’s a little fatigued from work today and only wants to chill with his partner. However, a tiny part of you – the devilish cutie side – takes over and slides your hand from his chest. Down to his hard abs covered by his black wife beater, stopping at his clothed inner thigh, resulting in him hitching his breath.

“Tired?” You say in a soft tune, your eyes peering down to your hand as it rubs on his thigh, inching further and further in. You take note of Toji’s fingers tapping on your shoulder – a silent warning. “Are you sure about that?”

“You better move that hand, Y/n.” His body jolts when your hand creeps up to his groin, motioning around it with provocative kneads.

“Hmm, why?” You play coy, placing kisses on the underside of his chin. “You tired of me?”

He throws his head back at your soft lips, attacking his neck while your hand comes to the hem of his sweatpants. A shaky breath is released at the contact of your cold fingers on his warm erection. “Hmmm…could never be tired of you….Ahhh,“ your forefinger swipes around the glans.

“Then what are you so scared of?” You keep pressing on, sucking on his skin under your lips. His length gets firmer under your grasp, veins grazed by your fingertips. “Scared you wouldn’t last longer than me?”

“Ohh, don’t play with me, Y/n,” Toji grunts, the hand on your shoulder grips your cardigan. His erect cock throbs on your palm, and precum begins to leak out from you, playing with the tip. “–Mmmph…I already told you I wasn’t feelin’ it tonight.”

Liar, you say to yourself, noting him breathing slowly while you massage his balls. “Please, Toji?” You ask sweetly to his ear, his hand coming down to your waist as you stroke him off. “I never done that position before, but it looks real fun…I wanna do it with you.”

Toji doesn’t give in easily, looking at you with a raised brow. So you throw in another please with an innocent pout and two bats of the eyes to seal the deal. He chortles; how can he say no to you looking at him like that? “Bet I can make you lose within the first few minutes.”

You beam at him, “Bet I can make you cum first.”

“Y’re not gonna last for very long, princess, I can promise you that.”

A smirk pulls your cheeks. “Let’s try it out then.”

And just like that, with a mutual agreement, the challenge was put to the test.

So here you are, straddling on top of Toji on the living room couch, both your bottoms and his sweats on the cold floor. Your bare ass out in front of him to see as he lies with his head on the couch pillow. Your front facing his legs, and his dick erected for you to lick and suck on.

It started slow in the beginning; Toji massages your asscheeks as you lick around the glans and stroke his girth. “Mmmm, just like that, mama,” he praises, egging you on to take in more of him. Your mouth bobbing up and down his shaft, gradually taking in inch by inch until your mouth reaches the hilt. “Fuuck, feels so good…”

You aren’t forgotten either, Toji starting with slow licks, his tongue lapping your labia. You mewl on his cock, voluntarily moving your hips to satiate the throbs of your cunt. Shit, you love it when he eats you out, but this position makes you turn on even more — unable to see what he’s doing, letting his hands and tongue speak for himself.

And you have to give it to yourself; you mangled to survive for a little while! The first minute was just him warming you up, teasing your folds with swishes to get you real wet as you blow him, his fingers groping your ass as his thumb plays around your ass taint. It all had you riled up, rocking your lower half so much that the man had to station you still for him to feast on your wetness properly.

It wasn’t until you felt his tongue brush up on your clitoris did shit get serious. One sharp, muffled gasp paired with a jolt from your body. Of course, Toji noticed, his grin coming from ear to ear. “Oh, did I do that?” Yes, you did, you bastard. “Heh, you are not ready for this, baby…”

He says this before stuffing his mouth back into your leaky chasm so his tongue could swirl around your slit with vigor so rough that you nearly choked on your gasp for air. “—Oohh!! W–Wait, Toji, not so—Ahhn!” Fast licks have you squirm, prompting your man to keep you on him with his hands on your waist. It’s hard to concentrate giving Toji a blowjob with him nibbling on your labia before throwing more laps on your clitoris.

“Wait, Toji, s-stoop; I’m gonna—Nnaaah!” Your fingers clamp around his girth, howling as he bullies his tongue to enter your vagina, his face buried nose-deep in your ass while sucking on your genitals. “Fuuck, oh shit, I can’t…Ohh, ohhh!!”

And just like that, you release into his mouth before you could even prepare yourself. Your trembling figure jolts with every shock coursing through your body. And Toji drinks your essence with every passing wave, wrapping an arm around your waist to keep you straddled above him.

Oh fuck, the clarity you experience is mind-blowing every time he eats you out — whimpers escape pretty lips as your sensitive nerves still receive gingerly laps on your soapy folds. That felt way too good, oh my God…

But it doesn’t stop there — no, no. Not with Toji, too pleased with how he made your legs tremble before him. He snickers while spreading your folds, “Pretty thing, look at you winking at me...Nnmm, so fuckin’ good…”

He brings his mouth back to your cunt, and you jerk from the contact as your body is still not rid of the shocks from the previous orgasm. You frantically call for him, trying to writhe your ass away from him. “Ohhnn, Toji, wait, let me rest for a—Ahhhnn!!“

A sharp pain comes from an abrupt smack to your buttcheek, the skin stinging from the impact of Toji’s hand. “Aht, aht, don’t try and run now. You talked big earlier, even when I warned you.” He smacks your ass again, his fingers digging deep into your flesh to pinch. You scream for him — that’s what he wants. “Now you’re gonna sit right here and let the winner have his fill.”

You can’t argue with him from there; Toji’s hold on you not giving in to your attempts of mercy — same for his mouth on your delicate labia. The noises coming from there are so raunchy, downright erotic, way more than whatever the hell that movie was doing. You could only wail out your cries, eyes spiraling up to your head from every lap to your clit. No point fighting the pleasure, resting your head on his thigh.

But that was short-lived because Toji was quick to correct you with another slap to your butt. Shit came out of nowhere, almost choking on your spit. “C’mon now, doll, you can’t leave me hangin’ here. Suck me off, princess.” He rubs the pain on your butt away, yet you know he’d do it again if you weren’t compliant.

You bring his fat cock back to your face, licking on the tip while stroking him. You take in the head and suck him in, bobbing your head and coating his length with your saliva. Kisses to his glans result in him burrowing his face into your ass again, hungry lips ravishing your tender insides. Jesus, the way his tongue flicks on your clit has you humming on his cock nonstop.

Oh, God, oh fuuuuck, you remove your lips from Toji’s dick, yet your hand keeps gliding up and down. “—Mwah! Hoohhh, oohhh, Tojiiii…! Again, I’m gonna cum, again….Khaa—Ohhhhh!!”

The second orgasm hits you hard, more keenly than the last, and your body quivers on top of Toji once again. Whines come from wet lips as you descend into your haze, and your toes curl as Toji doesn’t withdraw himself until he’s satiated his thirst with every remnant of your fluids.

With every jolt and shock flowing down your frame, you use this time to let your body ride this high out, placing chaste kisses on Toji’s cock. That is until you feel Toji suck on your folds suddenly. You jump and quake, turning around to beg. “Stooohp; let me rest, please!”

He gives you a smug look with a playful smack to your hot, stinging butt. “Done being curious now, mama?”

requests/thirsts are open hehe~ 🧸

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pizzapizzadickz · 1 year

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I rly want to like. Go sit down and eat and read. But I cannot. Bc I want to stay under my weighted blankets and these are the ones for my bed. So I cannot move them. So I'm not leaving my bed.

#if i leave my bed imma die #i could move n chill infront of the tv and play games #diary #personal #trust me trying to explain my brain process to anyone is litteral hell tbh.#ik the phrase is thought process but i dont wanna go and fix that.#idk im just really. tired and overstimulated i think #so that mean i just cant. idk. like. ik if i do too much today itll wind up with me turninh into an utter wreak.#so like. ill try to prevent that but idk man. i may have a brain n shit but i cant argue with it all that well lmao #i have to keep being like: okay. how about we do this. how about we eat this. etc.#and my brain just be like: no! cannot! its not the exact thing i want. that i also cannot remember/we dont have #seriously send help. bc at this rate i think its turning into a type day.#ugh. i just wanna stay in the dark. with my headphones. n under weighted blankets.#but seriously though. im like and my brain says no bc too much work #and i wanna read. but im not in the perfect mood for what i wanna read and theres nothing short to transition with #I HAVE SO MANY RULES AND ROUTINES N SHIT AND IT CAUSES ENDLESS PROBLEMS NOW BC I JUST DONT DO SHIT NOW #WHY. SERIOUSLY. WHY. JUST. LET. ME. DO. THE. THING.#well. ill probably eat when i figure out the pefect thing to eat. and if its not there thatll probably end me today yknow?#seriously if 1 thing goes wrong today ill probably have a meltdown #LET ME REPHRASE THAT. i am probably one step away from a meltdown as is so like. i am utterly incapable of anything today #seriously. usually i just do nothing on these days. but i need to take care of the bunny later. so wish me luck ig #also. im stimming A LOT lately. and thats pretty much my main indicator that im getting to like a breaking point lmao #haaah. well oh well. wish me luck i suppose.

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c0kitty · 3 months

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NOW PLAYING ... NOBODY KNOWS ft. spider-women!ellie x reader

“…BUT NOBODY KNOWS MY LITTLE SECRET.”

(⭑) summary: r/reddit, when’s the best time to tell your girlfriend of three months, (who you are so desperately in love with) you are that "crazy" vigilante on the news, fighting crime in a spider-suit, and that you now shoot fucking webs out of your wrist. (⭑) content: wc 1.2k+ nerd!ellie. confessions. making out. comfort. spider-man!ellie. established relationship. suggestive. insecure!ellie. HEAVILY inspired from the roof-top scene in tasm bcs im obsessed. cursing.

you guys find yourself on the roof-top of dina’s-friend’s apartment, for a random party, celebrating god-knows what. it's slightly chilly, you stand next to ellie with her oversized jacket on you; despite ellie telling you numerous times it was going to be cold, she was not one to refuse you.

ellie wished she had her camera right now; outside’s a pretty scene with the many buildings scattered, the sky, gradually transitioning into yellow and pink hues, night unfolding, and you, looked so pretty by her side.

the city below though remains bustling with constant movement, and ellie's mind is no different. because today was going to be the day —

ellie’s hazel-green eyes shift towards you, observing your soft expression, her heart ached with uncertainty as she wondered if you would hate her — hate her for lying, hate her for not being normal, hate her for having so much baggage. hate her for being spider-women.

“you think dina and jesse are shagging?” you ask, randomly, breaking the comfortable silence. your hands moves to the railing, casually pushing yourself backwards on it.

“saw dina sneakin’ out at 1 am, like she was a teenager. so, yeah, definitely.”

also due to ellie’s super-senses, she had heard so many “private,” conversations with him and dina she wished to unhear.

you nod your head, turning your attention towards ellie. “so, why do you seem so te—”

“i need to say something,”

you guys both interrupt each other, it elicits a small giggle from you. “okay... is this about before? is that the reason you’ve been so pissy tonight?”

you were hinting about earlier. when someone had hit on you, even with you being on ellie's lap, her arms even wrapped at your waist. it irritated the hell out of ellie, leaving her to characteristically run her mouth at em'.

you almost had to drag her away to stop the growing commotion.

ellie sports a slight pout at her pink-lips. “it’s not my fault men can’t get fucking context clues, it’s a wonder they survive. and i haven’t been “pissy” i—” you raise your eyebrows in response, conveying a silent ‘you sure?’ ellie stops talking, only rolling her eyes.

“okay, whatever, maybe i was but, it's not about that,” ellie wasn’t sure how to start this conversation without sounding crazy or scaring you.

“...i was bitten,” ellie says, bushy brows slightly furrowing.

your head tilts, “that’s a little ominous.” ellie rethinks; maybe that wasn’t a good way to start.

“nevermind. you know, when i was sick. that whole two weeks, couple months back.” you nod your head, “yeah, you said you were sick. projectile vomit and shit. couldn’t lift a finger because it was so bad.” damn, ellie forgot she said all that.

“yeah, um sorry. i lied about that.” before you could say anything, lips pulled into a frown, ellie blurts: “i’m spider-man,” finally with a breath. you’re staring at her, but she can’t decipher your expression. unconsciously, ellie bites at her bottom lip.

silence fills the moment, and ellie finds it unbearable; suddenly, in just a second, your face relaxes. “oh, wait. you’re fucking with me. els thought you were serious for a second.”

ellie was regretting playing pranks on you so much, “i’m not fucking with you,” ellie’s arm cross, unconsciously flexing in the process, but you only a grow smile on your lips, like this was some ongoing joke. “jesus, stop smiling — it’s not a joke y/n,”

“i’ve known you all my life ellie — i think i would know if you were fighting crimes with iron-man,” you ignore her, releasing the bar. “wait just w—”

“lets go els, please. it’s getting cold and i’m tired,” you say, making your move toward the door; but in a quick reaction, ellie’s translucent webs shoots out her wrist, spinning you around til’ you're close, her hands, now holding at your waist.

you’re staring at her, eyes widened comically, and your mouth parted, seemingly trying to process what just happened. ellie's attention was drawn to something else though; light in the distance, drunken footsteps heading their way.

“you just fucking — shot webs out your hands, ellie! you’re sp—”

ellie didn’t have much time to think it through, because as soon as the drunkards stumble in, ellie's lips, soft and sweet, press into yours. “..shh,” ellie whispers, faint to your lips — trying to calm you down.

a small gasp leaves your mouth. but after a second, hearing the commotion behind you; you get the message, relaxing yourself into the kiss.

ellie's kisses are usually greedy, but tender, her hands would rummage your body confidently, possessively pulling you in. but this kiss, its … different. it’s tentative, hesitant, like she was afraid to push.

at that, you try to make her feel comfortable with a subtle touch beneath her loose black-shirt. your lips, coated in strawberry gloss, glides seamlessly over hers, giving her a little push; and it works.

ellie tongue pushes in hastily, its smooth tracing from your lips to your tongue. her moppy-brown hair tickling your chin as she eases in the kiss, embracing the subtle buzzing in her chest.

you hear the people leave, and it’s silent now, besides the busy cars. “ellie… t–”

“one more second,” she grumbles, you wanted to keep going, but you still had a lot to say — questions cycling. so you pull away, with a gentle smack of the lips.

she lets out a small groan in response; her cheeks dusted in pink and round eyes flutter open, looking at you in a wistful gaze.

“so… you’re spider-man. well, spider-woman,” you finally say, exhaling. ellie’s eyes shift to the floor. her hands drop from you, and instead, runs through her hair anxiously. “yeah. i know it’s fucked up, and weird. i should’ve told you, warned you, but i—”

you interrupt her depressive rambles, “no, ellie i mean it’s cool, you’re cool. it’s just, fuck.” you take a breath, throwing your hands up. “i was just surprised because you’re, like, nerdy and cute, and then … spiderman, you know?”

ellie’s eyes lifted to meet yours, “relieved” couldn’t fully capture how she felt, but all she could managed to say was: “oh, okay. that’s great, yeah.”

a silence falls between you two in response to ellie’s awkwardness, exchanging glances; both of you burst into a fit of giggles.

“i feel like i should feel offended though, ‘nerdy?’” you playfully nudge at her feet, “you know what i mean. passionate about space, introverted, so obsessed with your grades. it’s like a text-book definition,” ellie couldn’t really deny that, so she just playful rolls her eyes instead.

“...but you know what’s crazy, i had a small tiny crush on spider–man, well you, before we officially dated.”

ellie’s lips curve into a smile, “so now you get the best of both worlds, huh.” ellie comes closer to you, hands finding their place to your body. "i bet you dreamed of both of us fighting over you, hm?”

in the quietness that follows, your eyes drift away from ellie, intentionally avoiding her gaze. ellie could tell there was more story to your silence, “wait — did you have a wet dream about spider-man and m—” she begins, but you swiftly cover her mouth.

“...shut it,” you say beyond flustered, which only intensifies ellie's curiosity.

#ellie williams x reader #ellie williams #ellie williams x you #ellie williams x female reader #ellie williams x y/n #tlou #ellie x reader #tlou x reader #ellie williams x poc reader #ellie williams fluff #ellie x fem reader #ellie williams tlou

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