#which helps them stay safe but makes you and Ajax lonely :((

[that-foul-legacy-lover]

Brain dump where Tartaglia has a partner that also has an abyss form and reveals it to him. Hope you don’t mind, I have so much brain rot surrounding him, my wet cat.

Thinking about a scenario where Tartaglia is trapped in his Foul Legacy form, shaking and terrified of what you may think, completely unaware you wouldn’t mind seeing him in his abyssal form, as you have one yourself.

You find him shaking a few miles away from your house, curling in on himself, trying to hide. He thought you would scream and run, maybe even try to attack him, but you just held his face. You somehow knew it was him, something about the way he gently rested his claws on your hips and leaned into your touch told you it was your Ajax. You began to chirp and trill at him, changing into your abyss form, still holding him carefully. He’s in complete shock, eye going wide as he watches you, chirping happily as he processes what’s happening before him, squeezing your now larger frame in his arms, both of you purring loudly.

My boy, I want to hold him so badly.. (´＿｀。) [ 📺 ]

*shakes him around* SOPPING WET BEAST!!!!! *puts a towel on his head*

oh just imagine what happens after you get him home- you have to gently nudge him to his feet, taking his claws in your own so you can guide him through the night. you have to stay in the forest, where the trees conceal your Abyssal forms from people's eyes, and as you walk Ajax fusses with your hair and fluff in fascination. but even with you here, you can feel him shivering from being trapped in Foul Legacy, and your heart breaks

once you get home it's instant snuggle time, Ajax bringing soft blankets and pillows and making a nest in front of the fireplace with a happy trill. he opens his arms and you're quick to burrow into them, talons around his waist as you soothingly purr, gently preening his soft ginger hair. for a good while you become a pile of Abyssal fluff, curled around each other and sleepily kneading the blanket nest, and somehow your positions become reversed, with you holding Ajax and him snuggling against you. and oh my goodness, he absolutely melts in your arms, not used to being the one held- his Foul Legacy form usually does the holding, due to his size, and the sensation of being gently pulled closer to you has him chittering with happy tears in his pearlescent eye. it's incredibly reassuring to know that you're not afraid of Foul Legacy- you're just like him! and even when you're in your human form, there's a level of understanding between you and Legacy, as well as the fact that you can turn into your Abyss form so you can squeeze him in a tight hug <33

#genshin impact #childe #tartaglia #foul legacy #foul legacy childe #genshin tartagalia #genshin childe #genshin tartaglia #chit chat #anon #OHHHH MY GOD TWO LONELY ABYSS MONSTERS WHO FOUND EACH OTHER.... #THIS IS AMAZING THIS IS INCREDIBLE #i feel like Abyssal creatures are solitary for the most part #which helps them stay safe but makes you and Ajax lonely :(( #so when you find each other aaaaarhghgrhh it's so cuteeeee #short scenario #other's stuff #FAVE

[pearlywritings]

Home

synopsis: Teucer can’t wait for his brother’s return and you happily volunteer to accompany him to the docks.

pairing: Childe x fem!reader ft Teucer

tw: pure fluff, established relationship, usage of Childe’s real name 

word count: 1.3k+ words

"Look, look, it's coming!"

You softly smile at the boy perched in your arms. Teucer has one arm wrapped around your neck, the other pointing forward, at the ship from Liyue approaching the docks. His cheeks and the tip of his nose are rosy from the cold, as you've been waiting here for some time - the boy was too excited to be the first one to greet his older brother.

Initially the plan was to wait for Ajax at home, since it was quite the frosty afternoon, and you came over to help his parents and siblings with preparations. His mom and dad absolutely adore you and are always happy to have their son's girlfriend over. It wasn't once or twice when you stayed with them and watched after the kids. It was actually really comforting to you, playing with them and listening to different stories about your lover (doesn't matter that some stories have been told for the 10th time, you still loved them like the first). Ajax is away a lot, unsurprisingly, given his occupation as the Fatui Harbinger, and sometimes you can't help but feel lonely. His family is more than glad to help you cope with that.

But he doesn't forget about you: he always makes sure to send at least one stack of letters a week, so there is always a letter to each of his family members, you included.

Thus, when the last letter came in which he notified you about his return to Snezhnaya, Teucer wouldn't stop talking about how excited he was (of course Tonya and Anthon were thrilled too, they haven't seen Childe for a couple of months, but to Teucer big brother seems to have such a special place in heart, for which he always gets teased by his sister). That's why the ginger-haired boy nearly cried when his mom said he couldn't go to the docks since both her and dad would be busy with the preparation, and there was no way they'd let him go unsupervised with a chance of a blizzard coming.

Your soft heart ached by one look at two eyes, so similar to your boyfriend's, on the verge of tears. So you offered to accompany and watch him, assuring the worried woman that he'd be completely safe with you. Always was and always will be.

For a couple of moments she was reluctant, but seeing the hopeful look in those big bright blue eyes, she gave up. She made him wear layers upon layers of warm clothes though. You too, of course, and for that you are very grateful.

The wind seems to pick up and you carefully bounce the happy child in your arms to warm both of you with at least some movement. His gleeful laughter makes you smile, hand reaching to readjust his scarf. From the corner of your eye you see the big ship come closer and closer.

"Big sis, big sis, are you excited!?" Teucer turns to you, eyes wide and shining. "Oh, your cheeks are so red! Like a bullfinch breast!"

You chuckle. True, the cold has been biting on your skin for awhile, and now it hurts to smile widely. You have no idea how Teucer manages to still do it.

"Yours too, baby. Like a ripe ashberry," the boy scrunches his nose and shows his tongue.

"Ashberry is bitter!"

"But bullfinches loooove ashberry," you reason, pressing a kiss to his scrunched nose. "Just like I love you. Maybe I should get a bite!"

"Nooo!" hands in mittens dart to cover his nose and you both giggle. Ah, he is too adorable for his own good. You wonder if Ajax was the same when he was little: lively, giggly and absolutely cute.

A loud sound draws your attention back to the ship. While you two were busy being dorks, it has finally docked and anchored. As a ramp is being arranged for passengers to get off the ship, you make your way closer. Legs protest a little after being stuck in one place out in the cold, but you make them move by your own excitement bubbling in your chest.

A moment passes, people start to step onto the wooden boards, the last thing before they can finally stand on solid ground.

Another moment passes, Teucer stirs impatiently. People go and go but you don't see the oh so familiar mop of ginger hair-

Ah, you finally spot it. Its owner doesn't rush, as he doesn't expect anyone to meet him before he reaches home. Alas, he should have more faith in his brother. 

Teucer twists and turns in your arms and you finally lower him on the ground.

"Please, don't run, you can slip!" but he doesn't listen to your words, already sprinting right to the tall lean figure clad in a thick grey warm coat.

"Biiiig broootheeeer!" at first Childe doesn't understand what hit him in the legs as the commotion is too sudden to register the nearly battle cry. When he does understand his eyes first widen, then crinkle a little at the corners, arms dropping his travel bag and reaching down to scoop the boy up.

"Teucer! Isn't it my cute little brother? I sure missed your face!"

"Big brother!" throwing his arms around the young man, the boy buries his face in his neck, tightening the hold.

"Oof, easy, easy. Now, tell me, did you run again from home alone?" even if he makes sure his voice is teasing and is not laced with worry he is worried. He still isn't over that story when his little brother came all the way to Liyue just to see him. 

To his great relief Teucer shakes his head a no.

"Mama didn't want to let me go! But then big sister Y/N said she'd come with me and mama agreed!" at the mention of your name, Childe's heart skips a beat. Deep blue eyes start searching for you in the crowd and when they land on you, warmth spreads through his whole body. He missed his family, a whole lot missed, but without you by his side it was even more awful. Going to sleep and waking up without you by his side felt colder in Liyue than doing so with you in Snezhnaya. Going on and about his day without your soft scolding or teasing at times felt wrong, and lacking your affection… god, was he touch-starved.

Securely holding Teucer with one arm, he grabs his bag with the other and makes his way to you in long fast steps.

Before he can realize it you wrap yourself around him, mindful not to crush the boy. Childe is grateful he still has his face pressed to his neck, because the man can't control himself at the moment. 

Lips connect in an almost desperate kiss and the ginger tries his best to maneuver the bag onto his wrist to wrap an arm around your waist. He nearly forgot how soft and warm you were, he nearly forgot what home really felt like.

"Hey there, wifey. I missed you," he grins when the 'too-forward' petname, as you call it, flusters the hell out of you. But what can he do? He doesn't see anyone except you as his 'partner for life' candidate, you better start getting used to it.

"Missed you too Ajax," oh your sweet angelic voice, he's gonna make your talk a lot this evening; his stories can wait, he craves to hear more of that melodic sound.

"Aw, not gonna call me your hubby?" he laughs at your poor attempt to punch his shoulder. "Okay, okay, Ajax would suffice. Now," he lets you take the bag, a now free hand wraps yours in a secure hold as you stand by his side ready to go, "let's go home. It's cold and I missed you all."

You squeeze his palm, making the first step.

"Yes, love. Let's go home."

#genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #childe x reader #tartaglia x reader #childe x fem!reader #tartaglia x fem!reader #genshin x reader #genshin impact fluff #genshin teucer

[monocaelia]

royalty au headcanons

what they would be in a royalty au and the sweet moments shared with them.

feat. albedo, childe, diluc, kaeya, venti

genre : fluff, slight angst in childe's

❀ albedo

albedo is the royally appointed painter of your family. he's in charge of painting all of the portraits of the royal family, which is well deserved. the blond artist's brush strokes and painting techniques make all of his works of art feel so alive, almost as if they could walk out of the canvas they were painted on and live amongst the people.

he prides in his works, always making sure each square inch of each painting absolutely perfect before presenting it to the royal family. even if they were already perfect to begin with. but, as they say, you're your own worst critic.

from since you were both young, he was hired by your family to teach you the basics of the arts as well as how to properly hold a brush.

so, you could say albedo has watched you grow from a grubby child to the elegant and refined person you grew up to be. an honor, really, to watch the stars in your eyes grow brighter and brighter with each passing year.

"ah, you've messed up the brush stroke here," albedo's gentle voice points out the mistake in your technique. your ears burn from having your mistakes pointed out, but you know it's for the best. you clear your throat and try to fix it, only to have albedo sigh from beside you.

"like this, your highness." before you can even react, you feel the heat from albedo's chest radiating against your back and your hand is encased in his own. he guides your hand with his, making the brush you're holding glide smoothly across the canvas.

his hand is cold, you think to yourself, and you wonder if he's been maintaining his health properly. but in contrast to his hand, his breath is warm against your ear as he talks you through the painting technique.

it's hard to focus when you're feeling overstimulated from the proximity of the blond painter and the rather domestic position you're in; almost as if your entire body is being embraced by the artist you grew up with.

"understand, your highness?" his quiet voice breaks your thoughts. he's close to you... so close. you gulp, praying to the archons above that albedo couldn't feel your hands shaking from this entire exchange.

"i thought you were supposed to call me by my name when we're alone together, albedo," you stutter out shakily. it's then that albedo realizes the position the two of you are in. his teal eyes widen slightly in surprise and his ears begin to burn a light pink. the artist pulls away, muttering a small apology to you.

though, albedo has to admit that having you in his arms, albeit for painting, felt so nice. from the position he was in, albedo could have counted the thousands of stars that your eyes held; and he would do anything to see them again.

❀ childe

ajax became a knight of your kingdom from a young age. he was always bored from the day to day schedule of his familial job; he wanted more and nothing could satiate the need to do something, anything that could give him the exhilaration that he needed.

which being in the knights provided for him. from learning how to properly wield a sword, to sparring with the best knights in your kingdom, to being a master at any and all weapons in your artillery, the ginger haired knight loved every second. he always felt alive when wielding his weapon, always grinning ear to ear when he's sparring for fun.

despite being a terrifying machine of war, ajax would never betray your family, let alone you. he swore an oath to protect everyone in the kingdom when he joined the knights, and that included you. the one who has watched him since he was a clumsy knight in training, fixed up his injuries, and wiped his tears away when he was frustrated with himself.

the call of ajax's name alerts him of your presence along with the quick pads of your shoes against the pavement. said male turns to look at you, smile big and bright on his face. "your highness! fancy seeing you here so late. did you miss me that mu-"

"is it true?" you interrupt him. your furrowed brows and frown etched onto your features contrast against the bright expression on the knight's. ajax's smile falters a bit when you stop in front of him, holding your arm and biting your lip in concern. "is it true that you're going to fight in the war?"

ajax blinks, stunned at your question. but he laughs lowly, not helping you in your concerned state. "of course, why wouldn't i? i made an oath to protect you, your family, and the people. it's my duty to go to the front lines."

his cerulean eyes stare into your own. you take a breath, hesitating on what to say or do next. ajax assumes you're going to scold him for throwing himself into the pits of danger, assumes that you're going to yell at him because when he fights he fights with no care to his own body. he would power on through the fight until he physically wasn't capable anymore.

"would you stay with me if i asked you to?"

your question surprises the ginger knight. out of all things that you could have done or said, he wasn't expecting this.

his finger strokes your cheek, sliding forward until your jaw rests in the palm of his hand. ajax gives you a smile, endearing yet bittersweet. he wants to stay here with you, to see your annoyed expression when he ends up hurting himself again or the huge smile on your face when he does something dumb.

but duty calls. and you know that.

his heart falls when you sigh and pull away from his touch. but it flutters again when he feels something hard press into the palm of his hand, your own covering his.

"then, promise me you won't die out there, ajax. take this lucky charm of mine and stay safe. i'll miss you."

you plant a quick kiss on his freckled cheek and run off before he could see you cry. unfolding his hands, he's greeted with the delicate, red mask you've placed in his hands.

❀ diluc

being the heir to the throne of your own family makes it hard to miss the prince of the neighboring kingdom. prince diluc is a stoic and hard to please person. every time you've seen him in passing at royal balls, he has always had a frown or blank expression on his face.

but, despite what his outer expression and appearance shows, the young prince is a kind and gentle individual. at least to you. in contrast to how stoic he is with others, his warmth is always welcoming and comforting to you. if he's being honest, you're one of the few people, if not the only person, who has witnessed the genuine yet small smile of prince diluc.

when he has the time off, he writes letters to you, often complaining about how useless the knights and how he would rather work alone. but he never fails to indulge you about the little things that have happened since the last time he has spoken to you. how he misses seeing you and that the next time you visit he would take you to a beautiful meadow he passed by on one of his scouts around mondstadt.

you, his only friend who sees the young prince as who he is, and not what the rumors, nor what his title says he is.

"thought i'd see you out here." diluc's ears perk at the familiar cadence of your voice. his eyes that held the warmth of fire flit up to look at you, and his breath is taken away. underneath the gentle glow of the moon, you're practically glowing in front of him. with rich, beautiful silks covering your body and a comforting smile quirking your lips up.

"what are you doing out here? it's cold out here, and the party's inside, [name]," he scolds you. diluc's expression deadpans when you stick your tongue out the corner of your mouth and shrug. when a cold breeze flows through and you physically shiver, the red haired prince sighs and slides off his coat, throwing it over your shoulders.

"i could say the same to you. besides, i saw you out here looking lonely and like a fool, so i thought it would be nice to join you. so you don't look so pathetic." it takes everything in the young prince to not take his jacket back from you and march back inside the palace with the intolerable guests. "i'm kidding! but not about the lonely part. are you alright?"

the playful glint in your eyes disappears in that moment, captivating diluc yet again. he could never outright tell you this, but your eyes are the most beautiful he has ever seen. filled with actual starlight and twinkling with fondness for the awkward prince.

"yeah, just a bit overwhelmed with the guests inside."

you hum in response to him. "well. why don't i keep you company then? from one royal to another. we don't have to say anything, but having someone with you is comforting, right?" ruby eyes widen when you step forward and grab onto his hands, intertwining them. he hopes his cheeks aren't as red as they feel and that you can't see his blush despite the proximity.

"r-right. as long as it's just you, [name]."

maybe the young prince will find the courage to be more forward with you, ask to court you with a bouquet if your favorite flowers and a love letter slipped in between the petals. but for now, he finds solace in your company and your gentle hand laced with his.

❀ kaeya

the origins of how kaeya ended up in your kingdom's calvary is an enigma. no one is quite sure where he had come from, nor had any idea who he trained under considering he was an exceptional equestrian and sword fighting on horseback came so easy to him. every time anyone asked him about his background or history, the blue haired knight would always brush it off and redirect the conversation to something else.

despite having a mysterious background, kaeya still ended up captain of your calvary not too long after he joined your kingdom. though, anyone could have expected it considering he easily outwitted the previous calvary captain in their own sparring sessions.

during his time there, you can't admit that kaeya hasn't caught your eye. he's handsome; his laughter and taunts while sparring with the other knights sends butterflies to your stomach. charismatic and always lightly teasing you whenever you drop by the knight's hall made it difficult to suppress the rhythmic thrum of your heart.

"oh come on, your highness. don't tell me you're getting cold feet now." the smirk on kaeya's face only grows when you send him a glare. he finds it amusing that you're still trying to stand your ground despite your evident fear of the horse in front of you. "i thought you knew how to mount a horse."

the calvary captain snickers when you tell him that you are going to, that you're just not familiar with his horse. his sapphire eye follows your movements and form a crescent when his horse turns her head to look at you.

as you try and muster out an explanation on why you were startled, kaeya takes this time to slide his hands underneath your arms and hoists you up above the horse. your leg slips over the saddle of the pure white mare and you yelp in surprise at the sudden motion.

before you can yell at kaeya for not warning you, the calvary captain climbs onto the saddle behind you. because of the limited space on his horse, the blue haired knight's chest is pressed against your back and his arms encase you so that he could properly hold onto the reins.

"cat got your tongue, your highness? there's no need to be so scared, i won't let you fall. well, unless you're being more unpleasant than usual. don't blame me if you end up on the floor."

laughter surrounds you when you yell at the calvary captain to 'stop messing around.' he can't help it; kaeya loves riling you up and hearing his name slip from your lips regardless of if it's in between fits of giggles or out of anger when he teases you one too many times.

from the position you're in, you aren't able to witness the endearing look that adorns kaeya's visage when you calm down and lean into his touch as soon as his mare starts moving.

❀ venti

there's nothing that suits venti more than being associated with music in some way, shape, or form. he's a well known musician around your kingdom; knowing at least the basics of every instrument known to man and having every song he has ever heard by memory.

rumors around your kingdom flutter around, saying that hearing a song sung by venti himself could cure almost any disease because of how angelic and healing his voice is. of course, it's not true but the young bard likes to play along with it. anything to get free drinks at the local bar, right?

there's no surprise that your family hired the bard to become your piano tutor. but cheeky smiles, poetic songs regarding the beauty of nature, and lyrical poetry of the beauty you hold make it hard for you to not fall for the playful virtuoso.

a delicate melody drifts down the halls of the castle, elegant staccato piano cords resonate in each other's harmony. your fingers deftly glide over the ivory keys, eyes closed and letting your memory guide you through the piece.

beside you, venti plays your counterpart with a gentle smile on his face. a contrast to the beautiful, yet complicated composition that was being performed.

it was his idea to learn this rather tedious piano duet; you thought it was too difficult because of the complicated melodic line and technical harmonies. you recall many nights filled with frustrated tears and crumpled silk from trying to perfect the melody given to you; and venti's gentle voice as he consoled you during those nights and urged you to rest.

before you know it, the piano duet ends with a final statement of the tonic harmony. silence settles into the room as the final chord resonates in the empty concert hall, only to be broken when you shout victoriously.

"your highness, that was a wonderful performance!" venti congratulates you with a proud smile on his lips. the percussive beat in his chest accelerates when you beam at him, the candlelight making your eyes gleam as if they held the entire universe in them.

"it's all thanks to you, venti! oh gosh, i'm so proud of us i could almost kiss you!" the statement leaves your mouth without thinking and leaves the both of you stunned. one, two, three beats of silence and on the fourth you begin to stutter out an apology with a flustered expression on your face.

venti's airy, light laugh fills your ears and echoes against the vast walls of the concert hall. you want to dig yourself in a hole and hide for the rest of your life.

"and what if i take you up on that offer, your highness? or should i call you [name] now? a kiss ending this performance of ours would be way better than a bow, don't you think?"

#albedo headcanons #albedo x reader #childe x reader #childe headcanons #tartaglia x reader #tartaglia headcanons #diluc x reader #diluc headcanons #kaeya x reader #kaeya headcanons #venti x reader #venti headcanons #didi writes #genshin #genshin impact

[dulcesiabits]

the way home (always leads to you).

summary: childe gives you the matching pair to his earring.

notes: drabble, fluff, freckled childe agenda, slight suggestive content, apologies in advance for inaccuracies bc I’ve never pierced my ears

Your fingers ghost across the skin of Childe’s bare back, tracing constellations amongst his freckles which are scattered like stars across a sea. There are so many, you wonder if you will ever be able to find them all, dusted along his arms, hidden in the curve of his spine, dotted on his thighs.

He turns, catching your curious hand to press gentle, drowsy kisses along your knuckles, his lips warm. The pale morning light cups his face, and when you look at him like this, feel how tender his kisses are, you forget about the blood staining his hands. The other Fatui would laugh, astonished, if they could see the way he looks at you, as if he is just a boy who has fallen in love for the first time. 

Tartaglia, Childe, Ajax. You know all of his names, carry them with you because you love him. No matter what name he wears, he is always yours. 

“You’re up early,” Childe murmurs. “Were you having fun messing with my back?”

He has stopped kissing your hand, and simply entwines your fingers together, pressing palm to palm, so close it was a wonder your hands were ever apart. 

“Very much so. Your freckles are cute,” you say. “It’s going to be a while until I see them again, so I thought I should memorize them.”

He laughs, a soft, embarrassed chuckle. “I promise I’ll be back as soon as I can. The mission shouldn’t take too long. You know I can never stay away from you.”

“If that’s true, you wouldn’t be away from me in the first place,” you tease, brushing back a strand of hair that’s fallen in front of his eyes.

He stills, leaning toward your touch. “I would let you come with me if it was safe, you know? But if you were around, I wouldn’t even be able to focus on my mission. I would worry about you constantly, want to take you on dates instead of doing work.”

“Well, we can go on as many dates as you want once you’re home. Come back as soon as you can, okay?” You tuck a strand of his hair behind his ear.

“I will, if you’re waiting for me. Oh, wait. I almost forgot, but I have a present for you.” Childe leans up abruptly, his hand never leaving yours as he fumbles for something on the nightstand next to your bed.

He returns with a small, worn leather pouch, tied with a frayed string. Childe carefully opens it with one hand, and drops a familiar earring in the space between the two of you. It’s small, with two golden beads and a red teardrop gem that glows in the light.

You pick it up, hold it in front of you. It’s a twin to the earring Childe always wears. “What is this? It looks just like your earring.”

“That’s because it’s the other pair to mine. I thought you might get lonely without me, so I wanted to give this to you, so you don’t forget me. If you don’t like it, I can buy you something else--”

“Don’t be silly. Of course I like it,” you say, lightly flicking him on the forehead. “Will you help me putting the earring on?”

Childe grins, sitting up. “Yes. Come here.”

You lean toward him. He’s so close you can feel his breath on your face, make out the faded freckles on the bridge of his nose. His hair tickles your face and there’s a slight pinch as he slips the earring on. Then, before you can pull away, he presses a quick kiss on your lips.

“Hey!” you protest. “I wasn’t ready for that.”

“The Fatui do not play fair,” he says seriously. 

You roll your eyes, turn your back to him. Childe immediately wraps his arms around you from behind, burying his face in the crook of your shoulder as he pulls you closer, fits you against his body. 

“I thought you didn’t like scheming in the shadows. I thought you were different from the other Fatui,” you say dramatically.

He places a kiss on your shoulder. “Don’t be mad. You know I love you.”

“I’ll forgive you if you stay in bed with me for a bit longer.”

“I don’t think that’s a punishment for me,” Childe murmurs. “I wasn’t planning on getting up anytime soon.”

“Then, you need to make me breakfast,” you continue.

“I always make breakfast.”

“True, true. What if I ban you from kisses for a week?”

“No! How could you? I better get all my kisses in now before I’m banned from them forever.”

He starts peppering kisses along your shoulder, and you laugh at each butterfly touch. The earring he gifted you is an unfamiliar weight, reminding you of its presence with each movement. You will learn to get used to it in the time he’s gone, so that when he comes back, it will be a natural part of you.

The earring, you think, is the weight of Childe’s promise, of his love, and the reminder that no matter where he goes, he will always come home to you.

#liya writes #genshin impact #childe #tartaglia #childe x reader #tartaglia x reader #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact imagines #childe (genshin impact) #genshin childe #genshin impact childe #i was in the mood for major fluff aha #and i love freckles so much!! very much a sucker for comparing them to stars

[claybefree]

A Letter to Josh Poteat

To be honest, I don’t know why I’m writing you this. It should have been the art I made for my ex-wife Mary in 1995, that she gave back to me in 2008 after I left her, that I later put in the trash. The art you told me recently got you working with shellac. It should be that I’m giving you, instead of this depressing thing about how I haven’t spoken with the oldest of my children in almost nine months, and the younger not since two Christmases ago. 

I guess because when we talked about it before, I can’t remember exactly, maybe you asked in passing, “How’s the kids?” and I didn’t have an answer at the time. Maybe because I think you’ll understand me, like you always did. I haven’t been sleeping again lately, and this is when my mind wanders to the man I read about who died, trapped in a cave, but I don’t want to tell you about him. It’s too awful. If I find my mind lingering on him, I get seized by a whole body panic and I have to get up.

When I first got sober and couldn’t sleep, I went to war nightly with God. My mind was a scorched battlefield, blackened, shelled earth churned from trenches to craters. These days it resembles Zone Rogue in France, given back to nature and forbidden, saturated with ordnance, hundred year old arsenic lingering in craters. The toxic woods, wild and hoary, haunted now by deer and wild boar, trenches filled in with vines.

There is this vision I carry, not quite of myself- An old man alone in a mouldering trailer in the woods, bitter, childless and insane. No doubt, you have known such men. When I first got sober, he figured heavily in my mind- I considered this an alcoholic death even if I managed to stay clean. 

It’s cold mornings like these- when I’m up early to feed the yowling cats, but again not quite early enough to manage to write, I wonder if perhaps he’s already arrived. I get on my worn out coat hanging by the leaky back door I haven’t fixed yet and head out into the frozen mud to free the chickens from their coop. The cracked tile floating underfoot like a shit-covered mosaic, and I remember to grab the screwdriver. I’m not using it to kill anyone, it’s to prize the eight little half-domes of ice from cups of their watering bucket. You know how this works. I always figured that, being a country-boy, you grew up with the same tales of horrors perpetrated against these birds, or else, like me, witnessed them firsthand. 

Summer gets up and I finish my coffee with her as she tapes up my sprained hand. I try to get out the door before her kids wake. To facilitate quiet conversations that have a better chance of happening if I’m not around.

Pointing the truck toward Southside, it’s crossing the Powhite bridge where it really starts to bother me. Likely because it’s this point on the other side of the bridge, I’m only a mile away from their house. I ignore the river, bloated and steel grey,  I’m looking for the nameless creek that empties into it there. I’m sure you know it, completely fabricated, it passes under Forest Hill and the train tracks. It’s cold outside the cab of my truck, but I’m not fooled by the last groan of winter. Studying the woods alongside the road, accessible as they aren’t yet burdened but the weight of all that green, I’m not sure what I'm looking for. Lost children perhaps. The sandy stretch where it emerges from snaking around behind the toll station is lined there with birches, flaking and slender, and shouldered with granite as it runs fast from a glut of late March thaw.

I’ve been going this way for a little over a month, filling a friend’s garage with sawdust from fabricating casework for bookshelves, paying particular attention to whatever happens to be going on with the creek as it seems to determine the flavor of grief for that week. Throughout the winter It’s been ever present, with me to the point I feel like there's something wrong, like a vitamin supplement I'm not taking. 

Even though it’s been a string of bad days, the garage is warm enough, and I’ve been doing this work long enough I can rip down material on the table saw letting sadness wash over me without worry of losing a finger. I pay special attention to the music I listen to, so that I don’t have to take time and fall apart. At the end of the day I’ll sweep the dust-pile under the saw into a bucket for the chickens. There’s a ruined tire from the Harley I keep filled for them to bathe in. Which reminds me I haven’t told you about Greg the Bastard.

 When Summer brought them home a year ago as chicks, they were unsexed, and as they grew, we inadvertently wound up with two roosters. Even though Greg is much bigger, he’s still number two and it’s made him skittish and unpredictable. Fierce Greg the Magnificent, Hen Raping Greg. He charges the dog as well as the kids now, and he’s even started to buck up on me. He stalks the yard like boys and men you and I have both known all our lives- insecure, large and dangerous. He doesn’t scare me, I’m more afraid the day will come when I will have to kill this animal. 

In my twenties, Liz King, who you might know, got me a job after school let out with a woman I won’t name here. Another artist, she lived in an old farmhouse down Jeff Davis Highway and had been sexually assaulted by a man there. My job was to help powder and paint the place in order to put it on the market as she didn’t feel safe there anymore. We painted the whole inside. Flying the back roads in her pick-up to some Paint store way out Hull street, she told me how the man had befriended her dogs beforehand and how he threatened to kill her if she looked at him. I don’t remember asking her about it, just the image of her long legs in cut-off shorts clutching and shifting the small truck all over Southside. I made it most mornings, except after getting home late from a Rancid show in Hampton, I was too hungover and didn’t get to her place til well after noon. She was gone, but had worked the whole morning by herself. Later that day, when I called Liz to tell her how I fucked up, she fired me over the phone. 

I bring all this up because she owned a lone rooster named Ajax, who hated me. Specializing in ambush tactics, I wasn’t safe anywhere in the yard from Ajax. The lady usually escorted me in from the gate, but heading out to the shed was dangerous. I can still feel him on the backs of my bare legs. Once, while rolling the living room ceiling and overwhelmed by the fumes of oil based primer, I stepped out on the front porch to dry heave a minute and catch my breath. Ajax heard and came stalking around the corner. Incapacitated, I cussed him, but head lowered, he came for me, creeping up the steps one terrible talon at time. 

Later I made a six foot tall portrait of Ajax as best I could remember him. Crimson comb like a child’s depiction of fire out of control, waddles surrounding the beak blazing and reckless. The emerald of the sickle feathers a cyclone of green. Hock, shank and spur a series of harsh, black lines. Very Twombly-esque, it’s still hanging in my dad’s office. Based on this one hangover, I went on to make work for the next ten years depicting the Battle of Troy as a series of cock-fights. Achilles the Terrible dragging Man-killing Hector through the streets of Troy. That sort of thing. The drawing I made Mary came from that run. 

I go home by way of the Huguenot bridge, because the Nickel bridge takes me directly in front of the house where my children live, which no matter how I’m doing, always threatens to cave my head in. If I go that way, I always think about stopping, and kneeling outside in the cold, perfect grass, with the thought if I wait long enough they might come out to see me.

I know it’s merely grief, the same garden variety of depression, that Chris Cornell said in an interview once was no less dangerous and could just as easily land a man on the end of a rope. 

But that is not my way. I’ll drive home to Summer and her kids, help with dinner, watch TV and bed by ten thirty. Regardless. And if I find myself lying awake and the void comes, I won’t scream into it like the old days, I’ll sing to it. I don’t know why, maybe it’s a lament. Maybe I think my children will walk out of the darkness and into my arms.