#this looks so good and less pressure because i have been on the longest hiatus

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

yeah same, i follow some fic accs that occaisionally post smut and its like mmmmm is the fluff writing enough to balance the posts that gives me finger burn trying to scroll past it? but yeah thats probably the way to go

ah i wasnt there for the teaser but i can imagine that was tantalising. lmaoo yes but to be fair i do have a writing acc called channiesbigheart so... balancing it out? but i absolutely am whipped beyond belief. it was a TRAVESTY how COULD they have. yeah the b sides gave him more lines but they werent the ones that were performed over and over at stages. yessss the line distribution in this album is impeccable, im pretty sure the thunderous stuff was some of their best distribution

hehe i can understand that, sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know? mmmm the differences are a bit nuts, it was 14 degrees today and in less than a week its going to be 32 or smth. BROOO that would be legendary, i bet theyd treat their artists rlly well and have great music as well ahhh but its a lot of work adn commitment. yES that is a mood if ever i heard one.

its the same in australia as well, sadly, you have people who hold up harry styles and lil nas x for breaking gender roles and wearing make up adn steryotypical womens clothing (and keep in mind i have infinite respect for both of them theyre honestly doing so much for the de-dehumanising of gay people and those who wear whatever they want), and calling the kpop boys gay and other things for doing the same thing, when theyve been doing it for years and gotten no recognition smh its so tragic. yes, anyway YES ONLY 6 MONTHS I AM FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES A BBY STAN altho i considered myself a fully fledged stay like 2 days after i got into them cos i just spent all day researching and fixating. YES someone said it. it feels like theyre losing a huge chunk of why a lot of people liked their music in teh first place, which was that whole dna, dope, fire mood. and even doing bright songs is fine, liek they should do what they want but i feel liek the western music industry is so fucking toxic that they feel pressured into making these decisions. dont get me wrong, theyre good decisions from a business perspective, theyre getting record breaking sales but still. mmm yeah honestly yg just needs to get its shit together or get out

oooh! not into nct but i see a lot of him, he seems rlly talented. ahh yes another channie ult lmaoo i feel that, my list is growing in leaps and bounds as well. mmm yeah i think i will, im just going to try to save enough money :) mingi appealed to me mostly for the voice (like felix smh what is it with me and deep voiced bois) but also his soft visuals and the whole cutesy thing he has going on i rlly liked. yes i did get into them while he was on hiatus, but im still mostly a casual stan, ill listen to the album when it comes out but i dont think ill obsessively look over everything to do with it, like skz. HAH WE'RE MORE SIMILAR THAN I THOUGHT. lmaooo the thot line describes them perfectly, why are they all so damn attractive. especially seonghwa, like that man looks like a character from a book, cardan greenbriar vibes anyone? mmhmm! his vocals are absolutely insane. ty! yeah im excited altho idk how theyre every going to beat border:carnival, that shit was impeccable. ahh no stress, enjoy teh groups you stan atm!

ahh thank you so much, ill keep that in mind. hehe thats good! hopefully its soon :( ah ty, it means a lot. ill think abt that and hopefully talk abt it a little more :)

ah, no it was inside our gymnasium but to get to the other side of the stage you had to exit the building, go around the back and then enter through the other stage door. ah tysm! im glad too. mmm same, they baffle me. ;n; noo so sad :( ahh, thats um not smth i put on here, but im in high school so make of that what you will :)

thank you! ive done a majority of them, i just have maths, an english presentation and an economic assignment due now so im pretty much home free. yeah i feel like hes the epitome of here for you while being inescapably far away. haha she sounds like one of my friends. lmaooo why is that me. hmmm i feel like youve answered a lot of them in that answer so maybe just ateez, enha, txt and bp? if you stan them? :)

ahhh no problem at all, proud of you for managing to overcome the procrastination! progress! mmm thats good! ahh pls do let me know if you ever decide that, i cant promise i wont cry but do what you gotta do :)

<3 w.a. 🐺

hi! sorry for the late reply, i didn't know how to construct sentences yesterday e.e

yeah sometimes it's the perfect balance! i personally don't like fics that focus mainly on the filth? the plot has to carry the whole fic somehow and the smut is just something to add to the mix. also, i'll follow you on your writing blog! i keep forgetting to do so, damn it.

"sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know?" putting it this way just silenced me but yes. angst just feels more realistic. it isn't always happy endings irl so i tend to do it a lot.

falling into skz is so easy! it felt like that for me too. stanning them felt like getting sucked into a blackhole. also yes i agree. kpop is nothing but an industry after all and it runs on money so i get why they do what they do as well.

i suggest we not talk about haechan because i will literally not shut up but yes my boy is an ace :( chan is also sooooo easy to love. and the chan's rooms just solidified his place as ult. having something to look forward to every week at a time when my mental health was just plummeting into the depths of tartarus just helped me be stable. oh yeah, mingi's deep voice is indeed sexc. and he has some wack ass duality as well! and i think seonghwa was one of the people i nearly considered as bias just because of his visuals because wow that's one beautiful face. and true, idk how enha's going to beat border:carnival. i don't like all the tracks simply bc of taste preferenceds but i like more than one so i consider that a lot already.

bro that gym should've had some sort of a covered walk :// also i miss being in high school sO DAMN MUCH. but i still feel like i am because time stopped when quarantine started and i was still in senior year at the time.

my ateez bias is wooyoung! it wasn't that much of a shocker to my kpop stan irls because i was a jimin stan for the longest time. enhypen is jake and they kept pointing out that he looked like seungmin sometimes so it's like chan's aussie-ness with a tinge of seungmin (the other guy in my skz bias line, in case i haven't mentioned it). txt is huening kai! i find it hard to believe that he's my age because he looks a lot younger? o.O and he always looks good damn :(( sigh for blackpink it's lisa! i tend to bias the maknaes of yg groups, it's a pattern i've noticed but don't intentionally do!

DON'T WASTE YOUR TEARS OMFG. you can always reach me elsewhere if i like disappear off this blog.

#toff.asks #wild anon 🐺

[liam-93-productions]

Summer 2017. It will, justly, go down in musical history as the season of Cardi B’s ascendance; the career-making single “Bodak Yellow” was released in June, and, by year’s end, it had propelled the performer into the firmament of hyper-celebrity. 2017 also marked the year of “Despacito,” released in January by Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee (only to then be remixed in April with Justin Bieber). “Despacito” was tied as the longest-running No. 1 placeholder on the Billboard Hot 100, until Lil Nas X’s “Old Town Road” broke that record in mid-2019.

Within that same time frame, another mega-hit would emerge. It was the solo debut from Liam Payne, whose years as one-fifth (then one-fourth) of One Direction have made him a permanent global force. “Strip That Down” dropped in May, featured Migos member Quavo, and was penned by the singer-songwriter Ed Sheeran. Payne describes the track as “rap singing” with a “pop melody on top.” With a bouncing intro beat overlaid with percussive snaps (and a dusting of piano-key complements), the song was palatable from the first hook and dance-floor ready throughout. In essence: a satisfyingly uncomplicated, all-but-guaranteed banger that would go on to become a quadruple-platinum success (with over 300 million music video views on YouTube and nearly 700 million streams on Spotify, totaling north of 1 billion plays).

Before “Bodak Yellow” pulled its money moves by gaining major traction toward August and onward, “Strip That Down” was what you heard blasting when cars drove by; sun and sound and windows-down fusing together to create that fleeting, specific euphoria that helps determine the song of the summer. “Despacito” contended, no doubt, but it had been around a bit longer, and there was something extra — a listenable breeziness — about “Strip That Down” that made it linger. Payne says he couldn’t release any new material “for nine months, because they just wouldn’t take it off the radio.” According to YouTube commenters, the song has had a minor resurgence in 2019, and Payne admits he is still shocked by how it continues to stream in the millions, monthly. “I’m like, what? It’s so old now.” The song also made a major, unmissable declaration in its chorus: Payne repeatedly voices, “You know I used to be in 1D / Now I’m out, free.”

Fast-forward two years from the song’s release, and Payne is sitting in his London management office, jet-lagged but energized after a quick but busy trip to New York City to promote his newest single, “Stack It Up,”featuring the artist A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie. The song, which also credits Sheeran as a writer, marks Payne’s first major promotional push since “Strip That Down,” having released an EP in 2018 but, as of yet, no complete album. Though fans will not have to wait much longer: it was announced in mid-October that Payne’s first album, titled LP1, will arrive on December 6, 2019.

Eating a salad from Pret a Manger, he is boyishly handsome, even when battling time-zone disorientation. At 26 years old, the Wolverhampton, England-born Payne (...) and no stranger to fame. One Direction, that union of Payne, Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan, Zayn Malik, and Harry Styles, formed in 2010 after appearing on the British version of the singing competition show The X Factor. “1D” would earn millions of fans worldwide and hundreds of millions of dollars; the band went on indefinite hiatus in 2016. “I’ve been doing this for 10 years,” Payne says with a smile, when everyone in the room admits to feeling the grind of an exhausting schedule.

“We’ve gone full circle,” Payne says, relaxing into his chair. “‘Stack It Up’ is the same team that made ‘Strip That Down,’ which is why it sounds like the song’s little brother.” The track is similarly playful but is more about cash-lust than anything physical. It’s also slightly less shimmery, with an attenuated keyboard pulse and a semi-scratchiness to Payne’s vocal work. “One of the main problems I had with the song, actually, is that it’s very money-oriented, and I didn’t know if that was the message I wanted to convey,” Payne continues. “I’ve been really lucky to have great success, but there have been times in my life when I am sitting there, looking out at the most beautiful view, and all of these amazing things are happening around me, but there’s no one there and you’ve got no one to share it with. You sort of think, ‘Well, that didn’t fix anything, did it?’ You feel just as low as if you had none of it.” This is the first bite of Payne’s ice-clear transparency. He is think-aloud and cut-to-the-chase candid, which, it could be argued, is a rare trait for the very famous.

“So, with that in mind, we kind of switched up the lyrics so that you have dreams for you and someone else, and sending this message of working hard for what you want to gain,” Payne says. “I was a kid from humble beginnings. My parents didn’t have a lot. They gave us what they could. The reason I love this song is that, if you’re on your way to work and you’re listening, I like to think that it gives you the urge to go above and beyond for your shit.”

Love — sometimes messy, sometimes fanatical, sometimes deeply personal — is part of Payne’s narrative. (...) Likewise, his friendships (both then and now) with the other members of One Direction. Regarding modern love — and the trials and tribulations he’s gone through to understand it, and to achieve self-love, at this point — Payne has much to say. The path to 26 has not been easy: The singer has been open about facing mental health, relationship, and self-esteem issues. There is fact and fan fiction when it comes to One Direction’s split, but Payne himself has said there was strife. He even has a tattoo that reads, “We are the quiet ones,” as he felt he was never allowed to speak up on account of the group’s squeaky clean public-facing image.

“I think everyone has a love-hate thing with what they each individually do. It’s not always nice,” he’ll say of his career. “You get a bit of that feeling of turning against your profession.” Has he ever fallen out of love with music? “It can get tedious, and there is a lot of pressure a lot of the time, which is difficult. Your urge sometimes will not be enough. I’ve found that having people around you that give you unwavering support is, more than anything, what keeps me going. (...) Whereas in the past, there have been times when I didn’t know if I wanted to make any more music. You need those people around you to make sure that you carry on.”

(...)

Payne also admits to mentally working through the backlash and the hysteria that can follow his every move. From the One Direction days, his fandom can tread into extreme territories. “Some people can be really nasty for no reason,” he says. “And also, when you’re worried about going to a restaurant or the park and being overprotective, that actually causes more problems. Because then the paparazzi and the press get more on your shit when you’re hiding away, and then when you do finally show yourself or reveal something, it’s a fucking frenzy. (...)”

Payne would not count himself as one of those people. He has been affected by acute anxiety, agoraphobia, and insecurity. He has canceled shows and, at one point, found himself drinking too heavily as a coping mechanism. “We all have an ideal in our heads of what we want to be,” Payne says of self-love. “From the moment you step in and say, ‘I am who I think I am,’ then nothing can touch you. For a long time, I was playing this character, and in reality, I was a million miles away from it, and everyone could fucking see that shit. You get a different level of confidence once you are, like, ‘I’m good.’ Self-assuredness is a powerful thing.” Payne says committing to a fitness regimen and routine has helped, too. “You become happier and more confident, more quickly.”

(...)

Payne concludes by saying he has only “very recently” felt truly comfortable in his own skin. “I’ve just had a long conversation with a friend about this,” he says. “Don’t let your past define you. It’s not all about what you did or didn’t do. I’m on the map of where I am supposed to be, and knowing that is the key.” Liam Payne, consciously stripped down and continuing to stack it up, takes the last bite of his Pret salad.

#liam payne #mtv vol.ume #mtv news #liam's interviews #lp1 #29.10.2019

[their-destinys-writer]

Caged - Chapter 14

Rated: Teen

Chapter: 14/?

Word Count: 5,455

Ao3 / FFnet / Wattpad

A/N: I know this took forever, but here it is, finally. I just want to thank everyone who continues supporting this story, despite the long hiatus.

For future previews of Caged and other projects, check out my Patreon. All previews are now exclusive to my patrons. For that and additional content, you can see it for only $1 a month! And for more, you can find a tier that’s right for you.

Caged Chapter 14 - Caged

There was a pause, only broken by the beats of Adrien’s heart. He could swear the organ moved to his head, for how loud it sounded. In that split second, Nino bit his lip, hard. The blond started bracing himself for what he was sure was to be another thunderous laugh from one of the beings he trusted the most in the world.

But instead…

“FREAKING FINALLY!” Nino blurted out, clapping his friend’s back.

“Wait, what?”

“Man, I thought you’d stay in denial forever,” he exhaled, now grabbing on to Adrien’s shoulder and continuing their trek towards the Agreste Mansion.

“So, you’re not making fun of me?”

“Dude, no way,” Nino reassured him. “Now I get to be your wingman!”

“My what?!” Adrien jolted.

“Have you thought about how you’re gonna confess?”

“Nino!” the blond screeched, stopping their walk to the place he wasn’t ready to arrive to. “Slow down, man. You’re literally the first person I tell, so, please, down the pressure.”

“Oh, right,” Nino snickered. “Sorry, dude. It’s just that I’ve had Alya pushing me to help for way too long already, and now I actually can. And you two would make a great couple. I’d love to see you two together.”

Adrien’s cheeks quickly started heating up.

“You really think so?”

“You two idiots are made for each other.”

“Gee, thanks,” Adrien deadpanned.

“You have no idea how long Marinette’s been crushing on you, dude!” Nino exclaimed. “Seriously. For the longest time, I think you were the only one to not notice her feelings.”

Adrien cringed. “I have an idea,” he muttered.

“Oh, right. Chat Noir outed you,” Nino chuckled.

The grimace on the blond’s face deepened. Definitely not his finest moment, now made worse with the realization of why he did it in the first place.

“Sure,” he said through gritted teeth. “Anyway,” Adrien grabbed Nino and pulled him behind a pillar of a building. “I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m gonna lose it any second. You realize I almost confessed to her back there?”

“Woah, I thought you hung back just to be alone with her, not to freaking confess.”

“I wasn’t planning to,” Adrien said. “We were talking, and it just…For one second there, it just felt right. Ya know?”

“Look at mah boy, all grown up.” Nino wiped a fake tear from his eye. “But since you’re telling me now that you like her, I’m guessing you didn’t get to.”

“Nooo,” Adrien whined, covering his face. “Alya called on us before I could, and I didn’t wanna rush it. I wanna do it right.” He paused. “Which is why I told her we’d talk at lunchtime tomorrow.”

Nino let out an excited gasp.

“Way to go, my man.” He slapped his buddy’s bicep. “That’s what I’m talking abou—”

“No, you don’t understand,” Adrien said, grabbing his friend by his shoulders and staring with crazed eyes. “What was I thinking?! I wanna tell her so badly, but I wasn’t thinking ‘bout what I’m gonna tell her. I just invited her, just like that! What if she doesn’t believe me? What if I say the wrong thing? Or worse: what if she says she loves me and wants to be with me? I’ve never been in a relationship! It’s easy to flirt when deep down you know it’s going nowhere, but when you know it’s gonna happen, it’s so freaking scary, and what if we do get—”

“Okay, dude. Breathe,” Nino spoke up, raising his hands at eye-level and letting Adrien’s fall.

Adrien straightened and inhaled deeply, but the images of the worst possible scenarios kept running through his brain like an old movie reel. He wanted all of it out of his chest so badly. How had he been patient with Ladybug for so long, yet almost crumbled when it came to Marinette?

“First of all,” Nino continued, his hands making motions for his buddy to inhale and exhale, “you’re getting waaay ahead of yourself. You don’t even know how far you guys will get. And secondly, this is Marinette we’re talking about. Even if she didn’t like you that way -which she does- she would never do something to hurt you. And you gotta remember, even if you mess up, Marinette is a very forgiving person. She forgave Félix, for crying out loud.”

Adrien exhaled, body less jittery.

“You’re right,” he said, prompting Nino to finish his calming movements. “Although,” he added suddenly, feeling the nervousness come back, “there’s something else.”

Nino hummed in confusion. So, Adrien continued.

“I did something. Something that ended up in me invading more of her privacy than I should’ve, without her knowing. It’s something I have to tell her, but I’m afraid she’ll feel betrayed. And after Lila and Félix, I don’t know how much betrayal Marinette can take.”

“Did you do it on purpose?”

“Well, no…”

“Then that already sets you apart from Félix and Lila,” Nino resolved. “Those two did things on purpose, and Marinette still forgave them. If whatever you did was an accident, I don’t think you have anything to worry about.”

“What if it’s a big secret?”

“Dude,” Nino place a hand on his friend’s shoulder, “you can say all you want to psych yourself outta this, but I will keep insisting that you tell her how you feel. Even if she says no, at least you won’t be left wondering of what could’ve happened.”

Adrien stared for a moment.

“Wasn’t that your advice to me? To just go for it?”

“Oh, gosh, I forgot you used to have a crush on her!” Adrien gasped, his hands going to his head. “I know you have Alya, but are you okay with me liking a girl you used to like?”

“Psh,” Nino waved a hand. “No sweat, dude. That crush lasted like thirty minutes. And honestly, I think you guys would be cute together.”

“Cute?!”

“Yes, cute. Alya’s word, not mine.”

Adrien could feel his cheeks become warmer at the thought of other people approving of a relationship between him and Marinette. More and more, getting together seemed like a very real possibility. And what was more, it seemed everyone was rooting for them. And on both sides of his mask, to boot.

“But seriously,” Nino continued, “I think you guys would be great together.”

“But what about—”

“And if you’re worried about what your old man will say,” he interrupted, “send him to the same place you did when you ran off to school.”

The blond couldn’t help but snort at that last one. That was exactly the last excuse he was going to throw.

“You’re right,” he finally conceded, resting his back against the pillar. “I have to do what my heart tells me. And I shouldn’t let my fears control me.”

“Right on, man,” Nino said, lightly elbowing his friend. “So, what are you gonna say to her?”

“The truth. All of it.”

--------------------

“You’re smiling,” Alya said in a sing-song voice.

Marinette yelped, covering her mouth with her school bag. It was already Monday morning, and as the two girls walked inside the school, she still felt those pesky ladybugs fluttering in her stomach every time she thought of Chat Noir.

“Relax, girl.” Alya waved a hand dismissively. “This is the happiest I’ve seen you since your days of fame started. It’s nice, for a change.”

“I guess.” Marinette lowered the bag, the grin still in place. “I just can’t stop thinking about that kiss. He was so… gentle. Like he wanted to make sure he wasn’t stepping out of line. And he kept holding my hand. Can you believe I could feel his warmth through his suit? And then, before he left, he called me beautiful!”

“Aww,” Alya cooed. “You’re so cute, I’m gonna puke.”

“Hey!” Marinette stomped her foot. “I had to hear you drone on and on about Nino when you two started. Now you’re stuck with lovesick me.”

“Lovesick?”

“Stooop,” Marinette whined, her gaze shying away.

“You said it, not me,” Alya chuckled. “So, does that mean you’re in love with him?”

Marinette almost choked on her own saliva and turned, avoiding the question. In the process, she accidentally bumped into a smaller body.

“Sorry, I didn’t—Rose! Good morning!” Marinette chirped.

“Oh! Um, hi. ‘Morning,” Rose responded. Yet, her eyes barely took notice of Marinette.

She and Alya exchanged looks at the other girl’s unusual behavior.

“Hey, is everything alright?” Marinette asked.

“Huh? O-oh. Sorry, I’ve been thinking about other things—I mean, I’m distracted. Sorry, Ma-Marinette—”

“Rose,” Marinette said loudly, hoping to get her friend’s attention. And succeeding. “I know you well enough to know there’s something wrong. If you wanna talk about it, We’re here. Whatever it is.”

Alya nodded at Marinette’s words. Yet Rose hunched, her gaze still wandering around. After a deep sigh, she finally looked at the girl she had bumped into.

“You always have the best advice, and you know what it’s like to be judged, but…” She lowered her voice. “Your parents are so supportive.”

“Are you worried about your parents?” Marinette asked.

Rose bit her lip, as if regretting to speak. As Marinette gave her a reassuring smile, the small girl burst.

“I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell my parents Juleka and I are more than friends, but I’m afraid of how they’ll react, because I don’t know their opinion on the subject, and others like us, and I don’twannalosemyrelationshipwiththemtobewithmygirlfriend.”

She took a deep breath, and let out a whimper, lips pouting nervously. Marinette and Alya glanced at each other again, clearly not expecting the heavy information Rose had just blurted out. Almost simultaneously, they both softened their looks at their classmate.

“I wouldn’t compare the opinions of thousands of strangers with the opinions of parents,” Marinette started. “I know we care more about parents’ opinions than that of people we don’t even know.”

Rose let out a defeated sigh.

“Anyway,” Marinette continued, “I don’t know if I’m the best person to be asking, but if you want my advice—”

“I do.”

“—I say some risks are worth taking,” she said.

“Umm…” Alya muttered. But Marinette continued.

“I understand you’re worried, but you’ll never know unless you take the plunge.”

“You really think everything will be alright?” Rose asked, almost desperately.

“It wouldn’t hurt to hope for the best,” Marinette grinned.

Right then, the school bell rang. Rose quickly bid them farewell and ran off to their classroom, while Marinette and Alya took their time to reach their destination.

“Looks like someone is seeing things behind rose-colored glasses,” Alya commented.

“What?”

“I haven’t seen you this positive about outcomes in several weeks already.”

“Well,” Marinette said, oblivious to Alya’s wary tone. “I think it’s about time we stop thinking about the worst-case scenario for everything. If there’s anything I’ve learned these weeks, it’s that good can come out of the worst circumstances.”

“I don’t know…”

At that moment, Marinette’s phone vibrated, distracting her from the conversation. On the screen popped up a message from one of the people she least expected.

Are we still on for the talk?

The girl smiled, right before quickly responding to Adrien. If she was being honest with herself, she felt like she could be a sincere friend now that she was in love with someone else. A friend that he probably needed more in that moment, instead of a girl with a crush and a huge paparazzi target on her back.

As they entered the classroom, Marinette had just sent her response when she looked up and found Adrien focused on his phone. Smiling and blushing. Wonder what has him so giddy.

“’Morning,” she greeted.

As if stabbed by an electric rod, Adrien jumped from his seat and glued the phone to his chest. When his eyes connected with hers, he gave her a lopsided smile, accompanied by a shy wave.

“Good morning,” he said slowly.

Marinette opened her mouth to ask if he was okay but was interrupted by Ms. Bustier’s entrance. Instead, she gave Adrien a small nod and walked to her seat behind him. As soon as she was out of his line of sight, she noticed him slump forward and put his phone away. She really hoped whatever he had to tell her would not be bad.

--------------------

It was lunchtime, and Nino knew better than to intervene in something that was not his business. Adrien made it very clear that, not only did he want privacy, but that he could do it on his own. So, he decided to take the extra time to visit one of the few electronics store left near the school.

And yet, somehow, it turned out he wouldn’t spend lunchtime as alone as he thought he would. There was a tap on Nino’s shoulder that made him lower his headphones to his neck.

“Hey Nino, have you seen Marinette?” the voice of Alya danced through his ears. “I haven’t seen her since she ran off for lunch, and I’ve been looking—”

“Oh, babe!” Nino cheered, clutching his girlfriend’s biceps. “I am so glad you found me. Have I got news for you.”

“Oooh, a scoop.” Alya vibrated, putting her hands together and seeming to have completely forgotten what she had been asking. “What is it? What happened?”

“Adrien happened. He finally admitted he has a crush on Marinette. And it gets better: he’s gonna confess.”

“Wait, what?!”

“I know!” Nino continued, oblivious to Alya’s distress. “I thought he’d stay in denial forever. But he admitted it to me yesterday and I convinced him to tell her how he feels. This is amazing, isn’t it?”

“No, Nino, this is bad!” Alya cut in, grabbing his shirt. “This is not good at all. Marinette has moved on!”

“Wait, moved on?!” Nino raised an eyebrow. “Seriously?”

“That’s what she and I were talking about yesterday,” she explained. “Marinette kissed another boy recently. And I think she’s in love with him.”

Nino gaped for a moment.

“Don’t tell me it’s Chat Noir,” he whined.

“That secret I will take to my grave,” Alya retorted. “But that’s not the point! Marinette is really into this other guy, and she’s kinda vulnerable right now. Even if Adrien gets a yes, Marinette is confused, and I think seriously considering the other guy. He could potentially get his heart broken. We can’t let him confess!”

“Is that why you interrupted them yesterday?”

“Focus, Nino!” Alya now squashing his cheeks with her hands. “When is Adrien confessing?!”

Nino let out a smushed gasp. “Now!”

“NOW?!”

“NOW!”

He immediately took her hand and started power-walking down the sidewalk, back to the school.

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” he said loudly. “You’ve been begging me for months to help you wingman Adrien with Marinette. You had to know I was gonna act the first chance I got.”

“I literally found out less than twenty-four hours ago,” Alya explained.

“So you interrupted them on purpose yesterday then, didn’t you?”

“Huh?”

“They we’re finally alone, behind everyone else,” Nino clarified. “Literally everyone was ignoring them because they were finally talking, and then you went and yelled at them for falling behind.”

“Oh, that.” Alya rolled her eyes. “Uh, duh. He’s been so freaking obvious about his crush lately. But I had already noticed Marinette had been getting over him, and yesterday she confirmed it. It’s my duty as her best friend to protect her.”

“Yeah, like you protected her from the press?” Nino said under his breath.

But not low enough for his girlfriend to not hear it. Alya stopped, looking like she had been slapped on the face. The boy was instantly regretting opening his mouth.

“Nino Lahiffe,” she started, in a low, menacing voice, “if it weren’t because you gave your boy some really bad advice, I would go off on you so hard, you wouldn’t be able to crawl outta your cave for ten days. But if you ever say that again, you will regret it.”

Nino sighed, already sensing a very long conversation they would have at a later time. If Marinette didn’t snap before then, of course. There was only so much that girl could let pass. And her reactions to Lila, Félix and Chloé were proof that her patience was already wearing thin.

“Let’s just go,” he said instead, dragging her to the school once again. “Before it’s too late.”

--------------------

Marinette could swear the day was purposely dragging. Every five minutes that passed felt like five hours. Even the teachers seemed to be talking slower.

She just wanted this day to be over. She wanted it to be tomorrow evening. She wanted it to be time to confess to Chat Noir. She wanted to tell that boy how much she had fallen for him and wanted to be with more than friends with him. But alas, she had to wait for the natural pain-staking passing of time.

She did hope, however, that whatever Adrien wanted to tell her would be exciting enough to make the day seem shorter.

Marinette approached the park where Adrien asked her to meet up. She took several glances to her surroundings, making sure it was clear of paparazzi. Lastly, she looked towards the picnic tables on the other side of the fenced space. There, looking nervous, was Adrien. He was usually cool-headed, so: what could possibly unsettle him so?

She trudged her way there, starting to get nervous herself. What if it was bad? What if he suddenly said that he didn’t want to be friends with her anymore? Or worse. What if he now hated her for the mess she placed him in?

A resounding gulp went down Marinette’s throat. She took deep breaths, reminding herself of Tikki’s and Alya’s words about the crazy scenarios she always came up with. It didn’t do any good to dwell on events that had never happened.

She passed by Adrien and sat in front of him, startling him.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you,” she chuckled.

“No, it’s fine,” Adrien muttered. He proceeded to clear his throat. “I’m glad to see you’re still in a good mood after the weekend.”

“Yeah.” Marinette grinned. “A lot of good things happened.”

“I bet,” Adrien uttered again. Marinette tilted her head, but in the end decided to ignore the comment.

“Sooo, what is it that you wanted to talk about?” she pushed.

“Right, uh…” Adrien tried to start, but he seemed to be at a loss, scratching the back of his head. “You know, uh…I just wanted to, um…tell you something important.”

“Everything okay?” The girl’s brows furrowed. “Did something happen? Is it about the press? Are they bothering you?”

“What? No, no,” Adrien waved his hands. “No, things are fine in that front.”

“Oh, good,” Marinette sighed in relief. “You sound so serious, I’m imagining the worst.”

“No, it’s not something bad. I mean,” he winced, “I hope not.”

“Hey,” Marinette placed a hand on his arm, that was resting on the table. “You can tell me anything and I won’t judge you. Even if what you need is help hiding a dead body.”

Adrien chuckled. “You know, I still can’t get used to you not stuttering around me.”

“Oh.” Marinette averted her gaze and scratched the back of her head. “Yeah, I-I guess I’ve learned to control it, or something.”

“Hmm,” Adrien nodded teasingly, with a hand on his chin. “Or something.”

“Anyway,” Marinette loudly interrupted, “You said there’s something you wanna talk about?”

“Ah.” Adrien quickly seem to turn as pink as one of her father’s finest macarons. “Right, the talk… I’m honestly terrified on how you’re gonna take what I’m about to say, with everything that’s happened.”

“You already said it’s not bad, so there shouldn’t be anything to worry about.”

“I don’t know, I think this will be a little hard to swallow.”

“Adrien,” Marinette said softly, returning her hand to his arm. “I get being scared about how others see you, but nothing could ever make me think less of you. I may not think of you as this perfect being, but you’re still the sweet guy who gave me his umbrella when I thought you’d put gum on my seat. You’re one of the most amazing people I know. And I’m sure that whatever it is that you want to tell me, it can never—”

But Marinette didn’t get to finish her monologue, for Adrien had leaned across the table and crashed his lips against hers.

Her mind went completely blank, as if all higher brain functions had been disabled. She felt her body so disconnected from her senses, she barely noticed the distinct sound of Alya gasping and Nino smacking his face.

And before she could do anything, Adrien’s lips had already left hers. Her eyes were still wide, as he let out a wistful sigh.

“Marinette,” he breathed, his gaze wandering around her. “I-I’m…” Adrien’s brows furrowed, as he stared at something behind her.

“Y-You—” Marinette started, but was immediately cut off.

“LOOK OUT!”

The girl’s body was enveloped by Adrien’s arms, who had jumped over the table and pulled her out of the way from what looked like a giant cage that fell from the sky. The two crashed on the dirt, with the boy covering her head protectively.

The sudden move was enough to get Marinette out of her trance. She quickly searched for the source of the giant cage, but just as she saw a stranger moving towards them (and Nino dragging Alya away in the distance), Adrien pulled her to her feet and made her run with him.

“MARINETTE!!!” a young girl’s voice bellowed, followed by the sound of crashing metal and screaming.

Marinette looked just in time to see a girl dressed in what looked like a metal-colored dress, except that the skirt was shaped like a birdcage, and her legs were actually covered by leggings. Smaller birdcages covered her shoulders and biceps, imitating puff sleeves. If Marinette was being honest with herself, the girl looked…familiar.

“Why are you stopping?!” Adrien yelled.

Just then he tried pulling her into an alley, but it was too late. The akuma made a cage appear from thin air under their feet. The cage scraped up the small opening, until it got stuck almost three stories high.

The two teenagers stumbled to the ground. When they realized what happened, they crawled to the edge of the cool floor, to where the bars were. Down on the sidewalk was the villain, smirking up at them.

“How does it feel, Marinette?” she taunted. “To be trapped in a life you don’t want? I will make sure this isn’t a phase.”

“Who are you? What are you talking about?”

“You ruined my life!” the akuma yelled. “And now, I will ruin yours. I will make sure your parents are just as unsupportive as mine.”

“Parents?” Marinette’s eyes widened, as a gasp escaped her lips. “Rose?!”

“Birdcage!” the girl yelled back. “You don’t get to call me by my captors name for me. You’re so distracted in your own happiness, you can’t see not everyone has the same circumstances as you.”

“I thought I was giving good advice. I’m sorry, Rose!”

“Save it!” Birdcage spat. “Let’s see how you fare being just as trapped as me.”

With those last words, she walked away.

“Rose! ROSE!” Marinette called, but the villain was gone.

Marinette gaped for several more seconds, hoping against all sense that Birdcage would come back. As reality sunk in, her face slid down the bars. Talk about those rose-colored glasses Alya mentioned. And just when she thought today couldn’t go by any slower! Now she had to wait for Chat Noir to turn up and free her, so she could transform into Ladybug.

Chat Noir.

The boy she kissed the previous Saturday.

Would find her with a boy who kissed her less than ten minutes ago.

The boy she was previously in love with.

Suddenly, she wasn’t very excited on seeing Chat Noir again. All those dorky smiles from that morning: gone. All she could see was betrayal on her partner’s face. Maybe even hurt.

“Any exits over there?” Adrien called from behind her, interrupting her thoughts.

Wait…

Her assessment suddenly turned backwards. Marinette didn’t ask to be kissed. Adrien just went for it, without her permission. What if Chat Noir got angry instead? What if he ended up going on a jealousy rage against Adrien? She wouldn’t put it past him, considering it wouldn’t be the first time he acted recklessly over his feelings. How did everything get so stupidly messy in one weekend?

“Marinette?” The touch of a hand on her shoulder made her jump several feet away. Staring at her was a confounded Adrien.

“I’m fine!” she squeaked. “I mean, we’re fine. I mean, no, me-fine. It’s all good. Except for the fact that we’re trapped. He heh, yeah, that’s actually bad. But it’s fine, we’ll be fi—Could you please stay over there?” she added the last bit as Adrien took steps towards her.

The boy stopped in his tracks. He seemed to have finally remembered what happened before their current predicament, for he took a step back, pointedly looking away.

“Sorry,” he muttered.

Marinette averted her gaze, too. “We’ll talk about it later. Let’s just…wait. Quietly. Far from each other.”

With those last words, she sat on the metallic floor, with her purse ready on her lap. Just in case. After a minute or so, Adrien did the same on the other side of the cage, stealing glances at her occasionally.

They waited for anyone to turn up. As the minutes ticked by, both of them grew increasingly impatient. For Marinette, she couldn’t stop thinking about the situation she was in. Not the fact that she was stuck in a cage, unable to transform. It wasn’t the first time she found herself trapped and powerless.

No, it was more the Adrien-kissed-me-after-Chat-Noir-did-the-same-last-Saturday situation. To think her life couldn’t get any messier in these last six weeks, she had to add a ridiculous love triangle to her problems.

When did this become my life?! She screamed internally.

And Adrien shifting his eyes from her to the wall, and back to her, was not helping matters. And worse, Chat Noir was taking forever to get there.

Ten minutes passed. Nothing.

Twenty minutes. Chat Noir had to already be aware there was an akuma on the loose.

Thirty minutes. Where the heck is that damn cat?!

Tikki kept giving her worrying looks from the opening of her purse. The longer they stayed there, the more mayhem Birdcage could cause. And what was more, Marinette couldn’t take the awkward silence anymore.

“Okay!” Marinette finally let out. She stood up and made her way towards Adrien, who was playing with his phone. “Since it seems we’re gonna be here a while, might as well make one tiny, itsy bit of a question, Adrien: why the hell did you kiss me?!”

Adrien winced. Slowly, he put his phone away and stood up to face her. With the guiltiest expression Marinette had ever seen on him, he responded: “I got caught up in the moment.”

“The moment?” Marinette sputtered. “I didn’t think I’d—I mean, I didn’t create a… Did I create a moment? Oh no, please tell me I didn’t—”

“No,” Adrien cut in, placing his hands on her shoulders. “No, it wasn’t… You were just saying a lot of nice things about me, and I got caught up in it.”

“Oh,” Marinette sighed in relief. But almost immediately, she took that breath back. “Wait. You…like me?”

Adrien’s hands clenched on her, and she could have sworn his jaw tensed.

“Do you like Chat Noir?” he blurted out instead.

“I asked you first,” she shot back.

“Depends on your answer to my question.”

“Why does it matter?”

“I have my reasons.”

“Just answer the question, Adrien. Do you like me?”

“I can’t say.”

“Then I can’t answer your question.”

“Fine! Yes, I like you!”

Wind got caught in Marinette’s throat, almost making her choke. Yes, she pushed it, but a part of her still hoped he would answer differently. But of course, that wasn’t the case. There was no way this was happening, especially now. Now, of all times. It was just her luck.

She let out a groan of misery, along with several mumbled ‘this can’t be happening’. All the while her hands covered her face.

“You haven’t answered my question about Chat Noir,” she heard Adrien state.

Separating her fingers to peek at him, Marinette hesitated to respond. Between him and Chat, he wasn’t the person she wanted to tell first, much less after what just happened. Yet, the least she could do was be honest with him.

“I’m sorry, Adrien,” she whispered, closing her eyes. Meanwhile, the hands that were on her shoulders slowly pulled away. “This is very complicated. But I had kinda decided to give up on you.”

“Why?” Adrien asked. Although, he didn’t sound upset, like she thought he would. Instead, he sounded genuinely curious.

She opened her eyes again, but most of her face was still covered.

“I-I have my reasons—”

“Because of Chat Noir?” Adrien intervened.

“Well!” Marinette flailed her arms. “Well yeah, because of Chat Noir. Yes, I have feelings for a boy who dresses like a cat and jumps around Paris. Happy?”

She expected him to look sad, or angry even. She didn’t expect him to chuckle.

“So you traded one celebrity for another celebrity?” he snickered.

“Chat Noir isn’t just some celebrity, or superhero, for that matter,” Marinette defended. “Chat Noir is… No, my Chat, the Chat I know is one of my best friends, who’s saved my life more times than I can count. He’s kind, courageous, always looks for ways to make me laugh and is willing to do everything in his power to protect me, even if it means putting his own wishes aside. Chat is…” she let out a wistful sigh. “Chat is amazing. His good looks and kissing skills are just a bonus.”

“K-kissing sk-skills?” Adrien stuttered.

Marinette’s eyes widened, registering the amount of information she had let out. Her cheeks turned hot. Her arms where flailing again.

“I-I mean, not that I-we, buh, uh…ugh!” she groaned miserably, covering her face again. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please don’t tell anyone.”

“Pfft.” Marinette raised her head, just in time to see Adrien bark in laughter. She blinked, bewildered, as the boy wrapped his arms around her. “I’ve told you before,” he said, “you can trust me with your life, Marinette.”

Oh no.

“Nope!” Marinette suddenly pushed herself away from the boy’s embrace. “Stop it. That’s…no. You’re confusing me. I already made up my mind. And I don’t want Chat to see us like this when he rescues us.”

“What makes you so sure he’s the one who’s gonna save us?”

“Because he’s the one with the power to disintegrate metal.”

There was a beat. They stared at each other for a moment, Marinette with a triumphant smirk and Adrien with eyes almost popping out of his skull.

“Aw, crap.” Marinette stared, never having heard Adrien use a cuss word in her life. And she continues to stare as he started running around the cage, forcing the bars as if hoping they would suddenly bend open an exit.

“Adrien, what are you doing?” she asked, exasperated.

“There has to be a way out,” he muttered, yet Marinette could still hear him. “I refuse for it to happen this way. Not like this.”

“For what to happen like this?” Marinette frowned.

“Agh, dammit!”

Pushing himself from the bars, Adrien strutted in Marinette’s direction with new determination in his eyes. The next second, his hands were in hers.

“Marinette,” he started, with a slight tremble in his voice. “I just want you to know that none of this went according to plan, and this is not the way I wanted to tell you. I’ve wanted to tell you for weeks now, but I was told I couldn’t. But with everything that’s happened, I can’t keep it a secret anymore. I was gonna tell you today anyway, but not like this. Just know that I’m sorry for confusing you so much, and I’m sorry you have to find out this way.”

With those last words, he took a step back, letting go of her hands. Marinette continued staring with a puzzled expression, trying to decipher what he meant.

But her questions would soon be answered for Adrien lifted a fist and yelled three words:

“Plagg, transform me!”

#Caged ML #ML fanfic #Marichat #their-destinys-writer #Miraculous Ladybug #Ladybug #Chat Noir #Marinette #Adrien #ao3 #ffnet #wattpad #patreon #Chapter 14 #post

[creativity-is-rebellion]

Life on Intermission

So, for mental health reasons, I have decided to put my law studies on hold for six months while I gather myself. The thing I am supposed to be mostly doing is resting (which is the hardest thing in the world for me - I always need something to do). I think the main reason why it is difficult is because for the majority of my life I have had too much cortisol running through my body. When I was a kid (and teenager), I grew up in a tumultuous household with a narcissistic mother and an enabler for a father. I had to parent and counsel my mother day and night for her unresolved issues surrounding her own traumatic upbringing and stressful early life, which led to a transference of generational trauma from herself to me. I was both psychologically, (and one time) sexually abused by her. Adding to this, there was a constant money shortage, sometimes to the point of relying on food stamps, and I was bullied terribly at school. At 16 years of age, I was raped by a guy who had been my boyfriend of 3 months, and unceremoniously dumped shortly afterwards. I had to see him every day at school for the rest of my time there. The loneliness I felt, with both what was going on at home and what was going on at school, led me to try to take my own life with pills, but obviously, this was unsuccessful, because my parents came home early and I was rushed to the hospital unconscious and had my stomach pumped. My mother refused me a counselor and medication, so my depression (which was later diagnosed as Bipolar I) just got worse. and unceremoniously dumped shortly afterwards. I had to see him every day at school for the rest of my time there. The loneliness I felt, with both what was going on at home and what was going on at school, led me to try to take my own life with pills, but obviously, this was unsuccessful, because my parents came home early and I was rushed to the hospital unconscious and had my stomach pumped. My mother refused me a counselor and medication, so my depression (which was later diagnosed as Bipolar I) just got worse. and unceremoniously dumped shortly afterwards. I had to see him every day at school for the rest of my time there. The loneliness I felt, with both what was going on at home and what was going on at school, led me to try to take my own life with pills, but obviously, this was unsuccessful, because my parents came home early and I was rushed to the hospital unconscious and had my stomach pumped. My mother refused me a counselor and medication, so my depression (which was later diagnosed as Bipolar I) just got worse. because my parents came home early and I was rushed to the hospital unconscious and had my stomach pumped. My mother refused me a counselor and medication, so my depression (which was later diagnosed as Bipolar I) just got worse. because my parents came home early and I was rushed to the hospital unconscious and had my stomach pumped. My mother refused me a counselor and medication, so my depression (which was later diagnosed as Bipolar I) just got worse.

I graduated from school with a relatively good result, and thus was able to gain entry into the university program of my choice. Or rather, it was my parent's choice. I had won a few poetry competitions which had been published in some anthologies. I wanted to study creative writing, but my parents thought it would be better I learned something "more stable" (which is ironic), so I "decided" to study psychology, my third choice. Regardless, I thought this would be a way to start over, and leave the horrors of high school behind me. But because of my family's lack of money, it was impossible to move out on just the income I was getting from the casual job I had whilst supporting myself at university. And then, along came my first love, who I had a tumultuous relationship with. We were on again, off again for many months, in fact, many years. We first met in 2003, and parted ways for the last time at the beginning of 2006. In hindsight, I think he loved me, but just couldn't say it. At the time though, it was devastating. I moved states and universities to get away from the situation, first to Canberra (but I have followed me there), and then to Brisbane (but I have kind of followed me there too). 

I was able to make a life for myself in Brisbane for a time, despite still living with my parents (who had followed me up there), but then the loneliness I felt, mixed with being given the wrong meds, led to my first full -blown manic episode. I was spending money I didn't have, and wracking up a debt on 3 credit cards and 2 personal loans. In 2005, I tried to take my life again, which (again) was unsuccessful. Towards the tail end of this spending spree, I met my future husband. This was a brief reprieve. I decided to take a year off uni and work full-time to pay my debt back, and my future husband and I moved in together. Within 7 months, I was pregnant with our first son, and, even though I went back to university, I kept having to defer because of money issues. After giving birth, I went though a pretty bad bout of postpartum depression, 

In 2010, we got married, and things went well for a couple of months, until the financial situation became critical. We decided to move back to Norway, my husband's home country, despite me never even visiting, as he could get a better job there. I graduated with just one half of my double-degree, and off we went. Initially, things were good when we moved; I worked toward my master, learned the language, got a few jobs which allowed me to focus on practicing the language, and was of the impression that I would be able to study psychology in Bergen once I finished my language courses. But then, in 2012, I found out that I had been given the wrong information about this, and it was no longer an option. I wanted to leave, as there were no jobs available in my specialized area. I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts for the first time ever in 2012, but there would be another 3 times after that over my time in Norway. In 2013, I gave birth to my second son, which was truly a joy, and for which I didn't get any postpartum depression, but, at that time, my actual Bipolar was bad enough. My husband's career was taking off, and I felt my problems were ignored, and that he was leaving me behind. We didn't move back to Australia (my home country) until 2017. Again, there was another promise of a fresh start.

After working with my degree for a few months, I decided to do my PhD, which was awful (I covered that in a previous post). I loved teaching and participating in conducting research, though. With my income from these gigs, and my husband's income, we were living the high life. Until the teaching dried up and my husband's company folded at the beginning of 2019. The pressure of all of this led me to be hospitalized again in the psychiatric ward 2019 for 3 months. Afterwards, as soon as I came out, I had to look for work, due to our dire financial situation. We had been in the throes of building a new house when times were good, and now we were in more debt than we had ever been. My husband found work, but was now earning half of what he was earning before. I've applied for 600 jobs before I've got to his first job interview. I ended up getting casual work, but couldn't find anything permanent, and it didn't pay enough. I started my law degree, which got off to a prosperous start, but I was also diagnosed with Lupus, which would explain why I not only felt mentally shit, but also physically shit. And that takes my biography more or less up to the present (with some stuff most likely left out).

But now, I am taking a break. I am, for the first time, deciphering what happened to me, trying to process all of the trauma, in order to become a better version of myself. Here are just some of the things I am doing during this coronavirus lockdown to self-improve:

^ Here is book I need to read whilst in the throes of finally finishing my first novel. It's only taken me 13 years. Not biggie. I need to procrastinate less. But also be less harsh on myself. I've had some really dark periods in-between that have lasted years. Sometimes, I just feel like I lose so much time when the depression is particularly bad. It makes me overdo myself when I actually feel OK for once.

^ This is a picture of my jewelery projects and couch-side workroom for when I am on hiatus. I'm going to try to get my jewelry business in order during my time off, but it's all about moderation, as my jewelry-making sometimes becomes obsessive because I get a rush of ideas. For example, yesterday I made 3 necklaces and 4 bracelets in a trance-like state. It might be impending mania, and I have to try to keep track of it, and approach it in a healthy way.

^ My fitness and health has been a personal concern of mine for a while now. Due to being diagnosed with Lupus last year, the sedentary life of being a student, and having to take mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics for my Bipolar, I have put on a little bit of weight that I want to shed, but because of the physical pain I experience due to the flares, sometimes it's difficult to do anything but light exercise. It's all about baby steps. Daily walks are also good for boosting my mood.

There is also a number of boxes awaiting my attention in the garage, which I suppose could be seen as symbolic of me unloading both emotional and literal unwanted baggage / rubbish. Its a long road, but at least I am finally taking the necessary steps for dealing with unresolved trauma and ridding myself of painful secrets that have haunted me for the longest time. All I have to do now is to remind myself to breathe.

#trauma #childhood trauma #mental health #mental illness recovery #mental illness #bipolar i #just breathe #on hiatus #dealing with trauma #trauma recovery #just create #exercise #just write #be creative #live in the now #live in the moment #healing yourself #lockdown #coronavirus lockdown #creativityisrebellion

[philosophicalparadox]

Fanfic masterpost

I can’t add links to Tumblr anymore, but I can still direct your attentions, can’t I? 

For those of you who care (because DAMN my follower count has shot up recently; Thank you!) You can find me on Fanfiction . net under the name Kaze no Akatsuki. I do not post my fanfics on Wattpad (nor anything else for that matter) anymore because frankly, I don’t like the community. I am ALL for constructive critisism, will beg for it even, but even I only have so much patience for people who never have anything nice to say. I also, sadly, don’t post on AO3 though there’s not really a reason for that, I just have never visited the site, so I don’t know what to gauge of it yet. 

That said, here are the titles and summaries of some of my fanfictions if you ever want to check them out. I can’t post them directly here, due to Tumblr rules about word count, (my chapters are always no less than 4k words) as well as the fact that I don’t remotely trust their algorithm not to flag me. But I can redirect!

Note: I will NOT be posting the names/summaries of works that have been discontinued, are on hiatus, or are under revision. The only ones to appear here are completed or in-progress works. 

In the BLUE EXORCIST fandom: 

1. Captivity, an aimless kind of fanfic that just blows where the wind is taking it. I normally have some idea in mind, but this one is just sort of writing itself, if that makes sense. It focuses on Lucifer, Homare, and Beelzebub so far.

Summary:  An intelligence gathering experience forces Lucifer out of his comfort zone, in more ways than one. The threat of unholy war hangs in the air, but that isn't going to stop him from indulging in more...mortal, curiosities. A fic examining the relationship between Lucifer and his siblings, as well as, pressingly, his lieutenant. LuciferXHomare...mostly.

2. Unbecoming: A longer fic, in progress, which is my first ever attempt at dipping into the horror genre. And it is horror. I’m talking gore, lore, and more. If ever you wanted to get a good look at my (dark) interpretation of Mephisto’s demon side, this is the fic for you. Cannibalism included. 

Summary:  What happens when you put a big mind in a small box? A tiger in a cage with lambs? A demon in a room full of exwires? Lucifer wants to find out. Boredom is a demons constant companion, but even Mephisto can only take so much. How long before the demon loses it? A game of wills, wits, and psychological pressure has begun. In the game of chess, only one king can win. Checkmate. 

In the BLACK BUTLER fandom: 

1. Almost Human: The only oneshot I have ever wrote, and also the only T-rated fic I have, though I debated on that rating for a while. An introspective look, I guess, at Ciel (our Ciel) being haunted, literally, by his past. 

Summary:  When Ciel is plagued by visions of the late Vincent Phantomhive, he gets the feeling that his phantasmal father wants to tell him something. Unbeknownst to him, that 'thing' just so happens to have the potential to unravel the complex relationship he has with his demon butler - as well as reveal the darkest sides of himself.

In the HELLSING ULTIMATE fandom: 

1. Telepathic Heart: is THE longest fanfiction I have ever written, and it is complete (for now) with a sequel in the works. Note that it is AluSeras, though AluTegra is mentioned.

Summary:  Breathing some fresh life into an overused plot. Integra is mortal; there's nothing Alucard can do about it. (Not without risking the sanctity of the relationship he has with her anyway) And Mortals die. But sometimes, their ghosts just won't leave- and maybe turn up in some unexpected places. Mostly AluSeras, slight Alu-tegra, and Angst, because Alucard's a widow many times over.

And now, for the fics belonging to fandoms that are not a part of my blog, just in case you are interested in them:

In the SERAPH OF THE END Fandom:

1. Clip My Wings: I don’t actually know about the fate of this one, but I hope to continue with it. 

Summary:  Two friends, torn apart by time, space and species, now take refuge together with the outliers of the Moon Demon Company. It would seem all is saved, but Mika is not human, and he knows it - even if everyone else tries to forget. In the wake of their time spent together, will Yuu and the crew adopt a new attitude towards vampires? And what are the consequences of this? Anime-verse.

In the YU YU HAKUSHO fandom (which I highly recommend to my Blue Exorcist followers; if you know it, you will doubtlessly recognize the hints that are in Captivity): 

1. Words as Weapons: I haven’t updated this fic in so long, though it is still going. I merely have to get around to finishing the next chapter, which is easier said than done. Gosh I wish I didn’t always pick the most complicated character dynamics sometimes. 

Summary:  In which an unprecedented side effect of Yusuke's transformation threatens to either change his world entirely or leave it in a state of total devastation- though as long as Kurama and Hiei are there to pick up the pieces, each is equally as likely to happen. A slightly dark take on Yusuke's demon transformation, with a dash of Yaoi to add some contrast. YusukexKuramaxHiei.

I apologize now if this seems in any way promotional -- it’s not, I swear it! I just wanted my followers to know what to look for and where to find them. (pfft, like you can’t just see my profile, though I don’t think that’s an option open to guests. Hence why I’m putting it here!)

Look around, or don’t, up to you! And THANK YOU to every one who has reblogged, liked  or followed me of late. I appreciate it. ;p

#fanfiction #masterpost

[softviking]

Ramblings and Personal stuff i carry around for a while now.

So hi. :) This will be a rather personal and potential long post so i will put this under the Read More stuff. Mainly for the very few people who happen to follow me for whatever reason and think “who the hell is that and why should i care.” You dont, i somehow feel like my Tumblr blog is some kind of safe spot...i hate the word but it is true. I dont do too much here on Tumblr, less now because most of my shows and stuff is on hiatus or so...but i feel surprisingly calm and secure when im on tumblr. It feels like i can write stuff down in my blog and get it out of my system...thats the main reason i will write this now. So for those who dont care, this pretty much is the end of a pointless looking Post but actually just the beginning. XD

Either way, have a good day, night, week, month, rest of the year all. Life is hard but you can make it, i believe in you.:)

Well here we go then for me and maybe a few people who are interested in what this weirdo has to say.

The year 2018 has been a really heavy year with a lot of things that happened. Mainly in my life we had two deaths, my uncle and my grandma. My uncles death was more of a shock, grandma dying was more a relief for all. My parents who were day and night there for her in the last difficult few months, relief for her because she is in no pain anymore...it was sad and everybody cried but we knew it was for the best. But before that happened, two good things happened in our life two. First my niece was born...and i cant even find the words to say how much i love this girl and how much laughter and life she brought in our already chaotic family. I never thought i would adore a baby that much. More than that it helped me realise that I AM NOT WORTHLESS. Its probably my biggest flaw, the mindset of thinking that im just a waste of space, that im not good enough no matter how often someone tells me that opposite. I hate that i cant shake this god damn mindset off, that it keeps coming back with every tiny mistake or every little thing i dont do perfect. Seeing how my brother and sister in law, how my family trust me with this tiny little being...helps me a lot. Seeing how this baby is not afraid of me, how she trusts me and how i can make her smile...thats something i never thought could happen to me.

Anyway...second good thing was that my brother got married. Dont know if i wrote this down here but when he first told us about this girl from Albania, we were a bit worried. He is a bit of a simple mind who often does things just out of spite. He didnt made it too easy to trust this whole thing, getting married after just 11 months of knowing, having spent most of their time together online...it causes us a few gray hair. But after having met her a few times and her now staying here for a few months, the girl is family. She is smart, friendly, helps a lot and is in general a really nice person. We get along well. So we have two new family members who will celebrate their first christmas in our family...a good thing.

Here is the thing...There was a lot going on here and there, small and bigger things that made me look at my life. And i realized that while im happy...i want more. Specificly i realized that i want to “socialise” more. I wanna met people, build friendships...find someone to love. For the longest time i was looking for excuses...but i realized those excuses were just because im afraid. Afraid of what could happen...which i realize now isnt as dark as i imagine. The worst that can happen is that people reject me...woho, big deal. Im sure there are a lot of people on this planet who dont like me...its not the end of the world. So i wanna put myself out there more and maybe here...interact more with the Shippers and stuff around here. Its something i didnt do for two reasons mainly...

One: I think im boring and have nothing to say, that all i might have to say is dumb and a waste of time and just bothers people. Getting rid of this mindset is a hard thing, but i will work on it. Number Two...sounds weird but...im a guy. I know Tumblr isnt some man hating place, no matter how often it might look like it. Thats not the case, i know the place has its bad apples but its not as bad as people want to make it out. It has less to do with the people around here and more...yeah im a smartass here, more to do with society. I sometimes feel like as a guy i shouldnt be part of a shipping community, i shouldnt participate in fandoms with mostly women or transgender people or so. Thats completely on me of course...but i dont really know why. Its probably more annoying than anything because its literally the dumbest reason for not doing something that exists. I shouldnt feel like i have no right to talk to other shippers, to squeel when my ships have cute scenes, to cry when the angst is too much or a fanfiction is emotionally so strong that i have tears in my eyes or laugh out loud. Its nothing wrong with being a guy and shipping stuff or with being emotional...hell i just got tears in my eyes when i wrote the part up there about my niece. Its a weird, eye rolling, thinking im probably the dumbest person in the world reason...i know that. And i will get rid of this mindset in my head...if i have to fight and scratch, bark and bite to be a tall guy who cries and ships cute couples, who is soft as a teddy bear and easily to get to laugh...then i will do that. I wanna ship stuff, i wanna be a fanboy, i wanna squeel about two fictional characters being all cute with each other...and i want to do that with others no matter the gender. So now that i have put this out...the last point and the one im currently most scared about. Remember the whole “I wanna put myself out there more” thing? Yeah that is scary. Since i want to become a writer, make money with writing, get many people to enjoy my books etc...i decided to start with making a facebook account. And not just some secret thing or so, no i wanna do it like most people do. Pictures, talking, sharing who i am, what i like and so on. Thats really scary even to think about it, because of the incredible pressure i feel while thinking im just not good enough. But i will do it, i will put myself out there...hoping i can be cheeky and funny...because thats what i am...well at least more so while writing in forums etc than in person. I hope that i can get the attention of people, not only to socialise and make friends...also to sell my book(s)...yeah money rules the world. I want to make money that is true, but i also want to matter you know? I want to sit there and be one day proud because i know that people really enjoyed reading my storys, the adventures i write, the dangers the characters i created experienced, i want people to laugh about stuff those characters say and do, hate the villians...or love them, i want to know that i reached people with my own hands...that i was good enough. This part didnt go into the direction i hoped, but anyway. To close this off there is one other thing. Dont know if it sounds creepy or so...but i already put it all out there, whoever is around now can not be scared away...hell i probably just write this for myself so it doesnt really matter. Anyway...while getting a good look at the stuff Facebook has going...i found also something...the Girl i had a crush on for all my school years. And as i realize now, the girl i still have a huge crush on. I never dared to talk to girls, not in school or 7 years ago when my weight was double what it is now and i had no idea what to do with life. Yeah i throw this out now too...i never had a girlfriend. Im way...way past 18 years and never even held hands with a girl in a romantic way. Never really thought anybody would care for me that way...but i digress i think. Anyway, the girl is still as beautiful as i remember and it gives me a surprising confidence that she doesnt seem to be married and all that. So maybe there is also Romance in my way...but i dont want to hope too much. For all i know she doesnt even remember me, i didnt particular made a impression on anybody. I mostly watched her from far away in school...yeah i know it sounds creepy as hell but i was really shy and unsure. A part of me thinks that this is my second chance, that this might be how it was supposed to go...but thats more coming from the side that watches too much romance movies and read too many of you peoples great fanfiction in which the same characters fall in love and meet in thousands of different ways. Either way, i just want to know for now if there could be chance or just if she is happy...maybe it turns out it was just a childhood crush i never gave the time to overcome...maybe its more...i dont know. But i know that im willing to find out...something a year ago i wouldnt had dared to even think. So that pretty much sums up the past year and my mindset, what goes on in my little head. If anybody reads this...im sorry for wasting your time or thank you for listening, it helped me get this stuff off my chest. Which helps me focus and move forward. Anyway, thank you very much and like i said before...you got this, you will get through rough times and come out strong...i believe in you.

#Just the long ramblings #of a weirdo #i feel really light now #maybe i should start a diary #or journal #but my handwriting sucks and nobody could read it #which would be a good thing #but not when i cant read the god damn pages too #wait #im lost in the tags XD #Ramblings