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password-door-lock · 1 month

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Lately I can't stop thinking about sharing a bed with Saeran.

GE Saeran sleeps on his side (as evidenced by the CG where he’s sleeping on his side lol). If you also sleep on your side, then he probably wants to be the little spoon (unless you have a strong preference to the contrary, in which case the two of you can alternate) but if you sleep in the fetal position or something like that, then he's perfectly content being the big spoon, as well. If you sleep on your stomach or your back, then he'll curl up against you with an arm draped over you. The most important thing for him is being close to you, and he can be flexible as far as what that looks like. I do think that if you end up as the little spoon at night due to your sleeping position, you'll probably end up as the big spoon a lot more when the two of you cuddle during the day. Also, the shark plushie is going to be present while the two of you are resting— if he's holding you, Saeran probably won't be able to also hold onto the shark, but it'll still be in the same bed. Maybe you might even be the one to hold onto it some nights! Although physical touch is something he really enjoys, if you’re not feeling up to it for whatever reason, Saeran totally understands! He might elect to wear one of your sweatshirts to bed instead (and let you wear one of his if you’d like to) or cuddle with one of your plushies. Ultimately, what’s most important to him is that both of you feel safe and comfortable while you get the rest that you need. He likes having two or three really plush pillows and only minimal blankets, since he doesn’t get cold easily during the night— he probably won’t even notice it if you steal the covers from him in your sleep. Even though Saeran wakes up occasionally in the middle of the night, he doesn't worry about it too much. He knows that he's still getting rest as long as he's laying there, even if he isn't technically asleep, and of course, he cherishes the time with you.

Ray also sleeps on his side, but unlike GE Saeran, he's very, very nervous about accidentally upsetting you or unknowingly crossing your boundaries. He’s new to this, and he can’t imagine that you would actually want him that close to you. Even if you tell him it's okay, Ray probably wouldn't want to initiate any physical contact at first, though of course, he daydreams about holding you close. He'd probably stay securely on his own side of the bed, taking care not to bother you in any way as he falls asleep watching you rest— he’ll allow himself to turn to face you. To him, being able to look your way while he falls asleep is pure heaven. If you don’t want to be touched, Ray totally understands that— the last thing he wants is to cross your boundaries, and besides, he’s happy enough just seeing that you’re resting well. If, however, the two of you have been together longer and gotten more comfortable sharing a bed, then he'll be over the moon to cuddle up with you if you’d like. Ray really likes being held— if you sleep on your back, he'll rest his head on your chest. If you sleep on your stomach, he might try sleeping on his stomach, too, and you can drape your arm around him. If you sleep on your side, he wants to be the little spoon. If you sleep in the fetal position, he'll probably figure out some creative contortion that allows him to be held by you all night. But, of course, if you'd prefer to be held instead, then he'd be happy to do that sometimes, too! He doesn’t really like to be under the covers at all, and he’s not used to using a pillow, so he doesn’t have any very specific pillow preferences. Although his body won’t let him sleep for more than three hours straight (he has nightmares, and his circadian rhythms are skewed anyway), he’s worried about waking you up, so he’ll stay with you for as long as he’s able to justify putting off his work, even if he can’t fall back asleep.

Suit sleeps on his back. It's the way that he feels the safest— he's able to look around the room and see everything as he's falling asleep and if he's woken up. If, for some reason, you find yourself falling asleep in the same bed as him before his apology (which is very unlikely), it will likely be your idea. First, he’ll laugh at you for even suggesting something like that, and then, if he decides to humor you, he'll probably just pose you on your side, curled up against him, with his arm around you possessively. It doesn't matter how you normally sleep— you're his toy, and he's already being very generous by letting you rest in the first place. He sees sleeping when one could be working as a sign of weakness, so he’ll probably do his best to stay up even if you fall asleep in this position, and he may even taunt you for being so clueless as to show him such a vulnerable side of yourself. In actuality, he has no idea what to do once you’re actually beside him, and he might end up getting frustrated and pushing you away. However, after his apology, he'd be even more nervous and awkward than Ray— but Suit, too, ultimately does like to be held. He'd let you curl up next to him with his arm around you, rest your head on his chest, or even lean against him, depending on how you’re the most comfortable. Even if he can’t understand why on Earth you would even want to cuddle up with somebody like him, he has no intention of causing you any more discomfort or pain. If you're a stomach sleeper, though, he might end up with his arm at an awkward angle all night to accommodate you, so be warned and adjust accordingly! That being said, if you’re not someone who enjoys physical touch, the last thing he wants to do is cross your boundaries again! As much as he likes being held, he'll be just as content to lay beside you without touching and listen to your calm breathing as you sleep. He likes firm pillows, and he feels much more secure laying on top of the covers in his suit than snuggling up under them in flimsy pajamas. He’s too hyper-vigilant at Magenta to fall asleep easily, but he’ll set an alarm for one hour just in case he does manage to drift off for a bit. Whether he’s taking a break from hacking the messenger or hiding from the believers, Suit does not have time to lay around with you forever.

Unknown doesn't really like to sleep very much. Sometimes, he falls asleep at his desk— whether you happen to be sitting on his lap or not. He doesn’t care at all about his own comfort— the only reason he ever sleeps is because his body is forcing him to, and the way he sees it, a stiff neck is worth it if it gets him even a little bit closer to his revenge. The rest of the time, he uses the couch that's been brought into the intelligence room so that he doesn't have to waste time walking to his room and back during the night. On those nights, neither one of you has many options other than to sleep on your side— Unknown likes to have you facing him, with your head resting against his chest. Pressing you close to him like that gives him a weird sense of comfort that he can’t really explain. Besides, he doesn’t like the idea of you looking at his monitors while he’s asleep if you lay facing away from him, so he tells himself that it's not like he really has a choice. If the two of you actually end up in a bed, then that means he's too exhausted to argue that it's a waste of time— he might end up sprawled across the mattress however he falls on it, taking up most of the available space and leaving you to slide in wherever and however you'll fit. It’s been so long since he’s had a proper night’s sleep in a proper bed that he’s probably going to be a bit awkward about it. If he's awake enough, he'll pull you close and hold onto you for more of that strange comfort, but he might be too tired even for that. If you don’t want to be touched, there’s a really simple solution for that— you can just sleep at a different time from him, or in a different location, and he’ll give you work to do while his body is forcing him to rest. He doesn’t care where or how or if you sleep— he just cares that you’re getting your work done, or so he claims, at least. He doesn’t see any point in using pillows or blankets when he can sleep just fine without them, and he honestly thinks you’re kind of spoiled for wanting things like that. Because he regularly pushes his body to the limit, when he does allow himself to rest, he sleeps very heavily for a fairly long time. If you’re in his grip, then you’re not getting out of it anytime soon, and otherwise, you’d best leave him alone.

SE Saeran also sleeps on his back, and his thoughts on sharing a bed are... complicated. He likes to be close to you, but he often has nightmares, and he knows that he kicks sometimes in his sleep. You’d have to be very, very close to him for Saeran to allow you to see him in such a vulnerable position, and even then, he’d still be nervous about inadvertently doing you harm. After all, he’s tried sleeping with plushies before, and he always wakes up to find that he’s thrown them onto the floor during the night. What if he pushes you off the bed or something? What if he lashes out, erroneously thinking that you’re one of the monsters from his past? The first couple of times you stay over, he doesn't sleep at all— he just lays beside you, feeling calmed by your peaceful breathing, even if he's anxious. Then, after that, he'll try out sleeping with you in the same bed but not touching him at all, and when he finds that he doesn't accidentally kick or elbow you in his sleep, he'll start to feel more comfortable with the idea of getting closer. Sometimes, he’s content to fall asleep in your embrace, whatever that might look like. Sometimes, he wants to cuddle with you for a while before separating to sleep on separate sides of the bed. Sometimes, though, he might decide that he doesn’t want to be touched at all, and the two of you might stay on opposite ends of the bed all night, or you’ll go home early and video call him from your own bed, instead. Naturally, on nights when you have similar issues, Saeran will be just as accommodating. He’s not picky about pillows, but he’s strongly opposed to having any kind of covers over him, and he often sleeps with a fan because he feels like the bunker is too hot. If you like having lots of blankets, he’ll keep them in his room for you, but the pair of you will have to work something out to ensure that he doesn’t get too hot during the night. Sometimes he gets up in the middle of the night, but he’s always sure to be extra careful when getting in and out of bed so that he doesn’t disturb your rest.

#“short and sweet little headcanons” that somehow expanded to nearly 2k words #I've been thinking about this a lot a lot lately #I wanted to include headcanons for an MC who doesn't want to be touched too #Because as much as I love the idea of cuddling with Saeran sometimes I just. cannot #Also I realize that I've never really explicitly said anything about the intelligence room couch I've just added it to all my fics so #Here it is again #mystic messenger #mystic messenger headcanon #choi saeran #saeran choi

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player1064 · 2 months

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Ok after the amazing angst one about their first time might I request a hurt/comfort… I love the complications of them being secretly together as players. Maybe Gary (srry bby) gets injured in a match and it’s scholes that has to tell Jamie and that’s how they come out to their friends or to the world, maybe Jamie’s there, idkkkkkk but something in the following of the SAF finding out one? 😁❤️

tbh like. at this point this is fully just a full length fic. perhaps I'm insane about them...

LOVE the idea of them being together in their playing days. wish I could find footage of Gary breaking his ankle but there's none!!!!!

Set as a sort of prequel to this one from a few days ago

---

17th March 2007

Jamie is on the team bus headed for Birmingham when it happens. Up front, the radio is playing match coverage, but he’s sat further back, he and Stevie too busy holding court with the players sat around them to pay it much attention. It’s always a good idea to keep an eye on what United are doing, but as it stands they’re twenty points clear of Liverpool and are certainly going to get another three today – it’s only Bolton, and they’re at home too.

So, he’s on the bus when it happens, but he doesn’t find out until the team is sat around watching Match of the Day later that evening. Even then, he doesn’t get to see the footage, the only mention that anything happened at all being a short “Gary Neville came off after 11 minutes with an ankle injury.”

His teammates cheer and Jamie tries to laugh along, but all he can think is why hasn’t he texted.

“Reckon that’s him off England squad this summer, then” Stevie says, grinning, “finally, some peace and quiet. An’ they’ll be needing someone to step in for ‘im, Carra, you might get more minutes.”

“I fuckin’ hate playin’ right back,” he groans, rolling his eyes (why hasn’t he texted why hasn’t he texted why hasn’t he texted).

He makes a show of looking at the clock, says something about needing to call his parents to let them know he’s got to the hotel alright, and high-tails it out of there to go back to his and Stevie’s empty room.

Still no texts, so he brings Gary’s number up and calls, pacing the floor while it rings.

It takes longer than usual, but eventually he’s greeted with a quiet “’lo?” and breathes a sigh of relief.

“Are y’alright, love?” he asks quickly, his words rushing together. “Only just heard, else I’d’ve called sooner – what ‘appened? That twat Lineker was so vague.”

There’s a long pause, long enough that Jamie starts to wonder if his signal’s dropped out, and then:

A voice which he now hears is definitely not Gary, saying “this is Scholes.”

“Fuck,” he hisses, and snaps his phone shut.

His phone starts ringing a few seconds later.

Jamie, because maybe he’s a bit stupid, answers it.

“Yeah?”

“Er,” he hears Scholes say, “Who’m I speakin’ to, exactly? Gaz’s only got this number saved as ‘J’.”

“Um,” Jamie says, panicking. “I’m just a friend of ‘is, heard he got injured so wanted to check he were alright.”

“’e’s still waitin’ on some scans, but they reckon it’s broken,” Scholes says. “Gaz doesn’t really have friends, does he, outside of team. An’ you sound –”

“—Okay, good t’hear he’s alright, bye then.”

Jamie snaps his phone shut again and tosses it onto his bed, wipes both hands down his face.

Broken. Fuck. That’s him out for the remainder of the season, then, he’ll be devastated. At least he’s already racked up enough appearances to get a medal when United inevitably win the league, not that the prick needs another one of those.

This thing of theirs, whatever it actually is, it’s not been going on that long. Not even a full year, if you’re ignoring the few mistaken fumbles at England camps over the years and only counting from when they’d made it – not official, exactly, because again Jamie’s not entirely sure what it is they’d be making official – but as close to official as it’s likely to get.

Gary, the prick, would probably give him a smack if he said all that to him. It all comes a lot easier to him, the – the words, and the feelings. Jamie can almost hear him now, why’s everythin’ always so complicated w’you, Jamie, stop bein’ a baby and just admit I’m your boyfriend.

His ankle is probably broken. Jamie should be there.

He has a match tomorrow.

He sits on the end of his bed, hunched over with his head in his hands while he tries to sort through the mess in his head to work out what he’s meant to do. There’s a buzzing in his head that feels so loud he doesn’t notice the soft click of the door opening until there’s a dip in the mattress beside him and Stevie’s hand patting him on the shoulder.

“Y’alright, lad?” he asks gently, shifting his hand to rub firm circles on Jamie’s back. “We’re headin’ down for dinner soon, boss sent me to find you.”

“I’m fine,” he says automatically, but when he looks up he can see the disbelief in Stevie’s face. “I am, I just – if somethin’ happened to Alex, like, if she’d been hurt. Would you go home? Even if you’re meant to be startin’ tomorrow?”

“Of course,” Stevie replies, like he doesn’t even have to think about it. “’Course I would, you know that. She’s – y’know, she’s the mother of my children, in’t she? I’d drop anythin’.”

Jamie groans, puts his face back in his hands. “’s not helpful, Stevie.”

“Well, no, ‘cause you don’t ‘ave kids.” Stevie pauses for a second, frowns. “Unless you –”

“—No!” Jamie says quickly, shaking his head. “Christ, y’think I could ‘ave a secret family? Give us a break. No, it’s just – I dunno, I been seein’ someone, for a little bit now, and somethin’s happened, and – and I feel like I’m meant to go home, aren’t I? Help out? But I –”

“But you can’t miss the game tomorrow,” Stevie finishes for him, because of course he knows that, he knows him, knows how his head works. “So there’s yer answer. Carra, she won’t hold it against you. If she – I mean, does she love you? Are the two of yous, like – why’ve you not said anythin’?”

Jamie feels a twinge of guilt. “’s complicated,” he says with a sigh. “But we – I s’pose so, yeah. I s’pose you might say that we’re – that.”

Stevie, god bless the man, seems to lose any trace of annoyance or upset over being left out of the loop, and throws an arm around Jamie’s shoulder with a grin. “My boy’s in love!” he says, squeezing Jamie tight. “Too much of a prick to tell ‘is best mate, but what else is fuckin’ new? Look, Jay, I know you, don’t I? And if she knows you, then she’ll know you ‘ave to play this game. Long as she’s not dyin’, I’m sure she’ll understand waitin’ ‘til tomorrow evenin’ for you to get home.”

“Ha,” Jamie says humourlessly, still feeling guilt clawing away at his insides, “prob’ly won’t notice if I’m there or not, anyway.”

Stevie pats him on the shoulder one last time and then stands back up, nodding his head towards the door in question.

Jamie gets up too, but they’ve only taken a couple of steps towards the door when another wave of guilt crashes into him and he blurts out “Stevie –”

“I’m bloody starving, Carra, c’mon now.”

“Stevie,” he says again, clenching his fists at his sides. He can’t look at Stevie, is staring up at the ceiling instead as he says “’s not a girl. That I’ve been seein’. That’s why I couldn’t tell you.”

There’s a long pause, where it feels like the air between them is humming, and then Stevie just nods and says “okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

They make it all the way out of the room and into the lift down to the dining room when Stevie’s brow furrows for a second and then he turns to Jamie, eyes wide.

“Carra,” he says grimly, “please tell me the guy you’ve been seeing that’s got hurt today’s not another footballer.”

Jamie feels himself blush. “Um,” he replies.

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ, Jamie, what is wrong w’you?”

When Gary is wheeled back into his private hospital room, it’s to the sight of Scholesy sat in an armchair looking thoughtfully at the phone in his hands.

He blinks when he hears Gary come in, looks up with a grimace. “X-ray gone alright?”

Gary shrugs, looks away. “Broken,” he says, trying to sound nonchalant. “Like they thought. Guess it’s gonna be more’n just three weeks out, then.”

Scholesy sighs, deflating slightly. “’m sorry, Gaz.”

“Is what it is. They said I can go home now, at least, so that’s somethin’. You got all my things?”

“Yeah, give us a second,” Scholesy says, turning around to rummage through the pockets of the coat that’s hanging on the back of his chair. He pulls another phone out, opens it up. “I’ll call us a cab, yeah? Want me to stay at yours tonight?”

It takes a second to compute that if the new phone is Scholesy’s, then the one he’d been staring at when Gary came in was –

“Erm. Were there any calls for me, while I was out?”

“Yeah,” Scholesy says, back to sounding sort of distant.

Please be from my mum, Gary thinks desperately, almost wanting to squeeze his eyes shut while he waits for Scholesy to elaborate.

“Um, texts from the family, of course. But just the one call.”

He hands the phone back to Gary, who opens up the call log to see exactly what he was hoping he wouldn’t.

Still, there’s a little glowy feeling in his chest at the fact he’d called.

“Ah,” he says. “Did you, er, d’you speak to him?”

“For a minute,” Scholesy says carefully. “Said he were a friend of yours.”

“Yeah,” Gary says with a relieved chuckle. His idiot boyfriend is good for something, after all. “Yeah, he’s a good friend. Good of him to check up on us.”

Except, then Scholesy adds: “Sounded Scouse.”

“Ah, yeah,” he replies, rubs a hand over his jaw. “Well, can’t hold it against him, I s’pose.”

Except, then Scholesy looks him dead in the eye and says: “Called you ‘love’.”

Fuck,

Fuck.

“Scholesy,” he says, feeling panic rise up inside him, “Scholesy, I can explain –”

“First boyfriend in how many years and it’s a bloody Scouser,” Scholesy mutters, which –

Which isn’t what Gary had thought he’d say, not even close.

“You don’t – you don’t mind that he’s – that he’s a man?”

Scholesy frowns at him like he’s lost his marbles. “Well, what else would he be?”

“I – a woman, Scholesy!” Gary screeches.

“But you’re gay?”

“You’re not meant to know that!”

Scholesy’s eyes flit up towards the ceiling. “Oh my god,” he mutters. He looks back at Gary, voice even. “You are so annoying, d’you know that? Nobody cares about the gay thing.”

“Oh,” Gary says, even though his head is screaming other people know too???

“He sounded worried, your lad on the phone.”

Gary feels himself relax a bit as it finally clicks how nice it is to be able to talk about this. “Yeah,” he says fondly, “’cause he’s bloody stupid.”

Scholesy hums thoughtfully. “What’s ‘is name?”

Ah, right. There is still that one, teeny tiny little problem.

“Um,” he says. “’s name’s Jamie.”

There’s a brief second while Scholesy’s brain works through the complicated equation of ‘Jamie + Scouser’, and Gary can tell the exact moment it computes because his eyes go wide and he says “Carragher?”

#thank u for the prompt I looooooved writing this! clearly. since it is nearly 2k words long.#carraville #drabbles

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shirleydanders · 3 months

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“Reunion”

CHARACTERS: River Cartwright x James ‘Spider’ Webb

SUMMARY: It’s been about a month of silent hospital visits before River hears that Spider’s awake. He goes to see him and their game, as ever, is on.

WORD COUNT: 1,664

WARNINGS: Angst, violent imagery, bad language, deep, deep sadness and weird dudes.

NOTES: This is kind of a fix-it fic because I refuse to accept Spider’s death as laid out in either the book or the show. Also, I tried to do a bit of a character study into why River is so pathetic and Spider is such a fucked up little freak, so I hope you enjoy that.

River knows how it feels. To be worth more vivisected than whole. Maybe he can sympathise. There’s something more compelling about his destruction than the half-life he’s slipping through.

So loneliness will always be preferable to the feeling of being sifted through for something more valuable. He watches as the light in everyone’s eyes dies on contact with him. He carries on talking even though no one’s listening. He was made a pawn, but the game’s over.

He knows he’ll let his guard down eventually. Sooner or later, he’ll offer himself to someone, to be broken down into those familiar disembodied bits. He can feel useful then, if only for a moment.

Pathetic, that’s what most people would call it. River has given up trying to justify himself. He doesn’t have the energy. He’s half a person; half the vital functions. His thoughts dissolve as soon as they arrive. Any emotion feels a hundred miles away. If he does catch up, it’s already petered out.

He thinks about his mother briefly. How she left him on his granddad’s doorstep at seven. Well, of course she did. She could see it, even then. He’s always been a ghost.

He thinks that’s why he doesn’t stay whole for long. Whatever he is isn’t worth being saved, not even an entire being in the first place. And haunting people is so painful. So he lets them take him apart. All the pieces. Until he’s just a husk, and they’ve slinked away.

Spider’s anxieties are different altogether. He is sure of his importance; knows he’s needed. But the idea that someone could overtake what he’s managed to achieve makes him sick. The constant need to sabotage, to prove himself above others. He marks his card as one of the elite, but the conviction he embodies it with doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

Taverner never liked him. He doesn’t need her to, so long as she doesn’t like anyone else either. But she did before. She liked River. So when she came with the request to ruin him, a Shakespearean betrayal, he’d done what he had to. There was no place for him but the top of the food chain.

It’s never bothered him. There’s always someone undeserving in the place he should be. Who was the one weeping, smeared across the floor in the torture resistance training? Not him, that’s for sure.

It’s not personal. What River is or isn’t to him has never even been a consideration. It’s London Rules, as it always has been. Covering your arse is a lot easier when you can push someone down to do it for you.

When they meet again, for the first time since Spider woke from his coma, there is that stilted silence – the great unsaid. That has always been a game they played. There’d always been a hushed nature to their… relationship. Before the resentment kicked in, there was something else that was keeping them apart.

Now, even the love’s gone, but the distance remains unchanged. They’re too incompatible for that to be overcome.

Nevertheless, they are drawn together every single time.

River is the first to speak.

‘Long time, no see.’

Spider nods – a smile, half expressed, half tangled up in another moment, resting on his lips. He catches River’s insinuation. That Spider hadn’t seen him, even though he’d visited.

‘You gonna use that against me? The coma?’

‘Well, I’ve never been in one.’

The pair laugh, acidicly.

‘Never too late to try something new.’

The thin veil of playfulness shatters. They both wilt, as though resigning themselves to the opposite. It is too late. It’s all too late, and too messy, and too much.

‘That’s the last time I ask your lot for a favour.’

‘Yeah, well, we’re slow horses,’ River replies, teeth grinding slightly as he forces it out, ‘what did you expect?’

‘I would’ve thought not letting people get shot while you’re running security is common practice, even among your kind.’

They both know they’re not here to speak as though they’re on the record, in some unseen competition. They want to be candid. To possibly even be vulnerable. The trouble is, someone’s got to break first. Spider had never knowingly broken in his life. Ah, but River…

‘I thought you were gonna die.’

Spider’s eyes snap up to River, quiet satisfaction setting his lips in a smile.

‘That was never on the cards.’

‘Be fucking serious, I…’ River began with the anger that only really expresses itself for Spider. Every other inconvenience he felt was par for the course, worth little more reaction than an eye roll, but Spider is the one who gets under his skin. It’s impressive, really, how instantly he can boil River’s blood. He starts again, softer. ‘It just made me think about training.’

The glint in Spider’s eyes extinguishes itself.

‘You know, they say that when you’re in a coma, you’re aware of everything around you. That wasn’t true for me.’ Spider begins the observation in a cold, guarded way. As though armouring up in the terrible event of his vulnerability.

‘I heard nothing. Saw nothing. One minute I was awake, the next minute I was awake again. Nothing in between.’ There’s a pause, as he draws breath like a gun. ‘It’s what I imagine your life’s like at Slough House.’

River looks at him, really looks. If this is a joke at his expense, it hasn’t landed. Spider’s as serious as a heart attack, his words grave.

‘And, so what? You– you feel sorry for me?’

Spider just looks away. Maybe he thought about training too. What they had been through– only for Spider to leave his legacy in blood on a marble floor. For River to still experience a living death, everyday. Maybe he considered how sitting at that desk must feel to someone with the world to give.

Or maybe not.

The blood’s up again in River’s ears. His cheeks are beet red and his jaw aches from clenching. So much has changed. So much has stayed the same. They walk a hall of broken mirrors; a corridor leading to the abstract nothing. The walk had almost ended for Spider, but he clung on. If only to throw River ahead of him.

Why does River continue the cycle? Why is he even here? A voice in the back of his head answers:

Because he’s the only one who knows what to do with the bits you break down into.

‘I haven’t missed you being such a prick.’ River is serious when he says it, but it’s an evasion. It’s pointless too. Spider can see it for the hubris it is.

‘Cartwright,’ River hates when Spider calls him by his surname. Like an old schoolmaster. It’s loaded with association, too. His grandfather, the super spy, and him, Cartwright the Younger. The disappointment. The black sheep no-one had the decency to send to slaughter. ‘They tell me Taverner’s coming down. You might wanna make yourself scarce.’

Something like vengeance flashes in River’s eyes. How sweet it feels when the upper hand begins to guide you.

‘If they’re sending her down in person, there’ll be two choices.’

He let that hang. Maybe Spider had already considered this.

Maybe not.

‘I don’t choose Slough House.’

‘Didn’t think you would.’

‘As a new expert on fates worse than death–’

‘Yes, fine.’

It irks River. That, even while lying in a hospital bed, Spider still commands the room. His confidence, misplaced though it is, is like a dagger between River’s shoulder blades. The first piece begins to come away.

‘When will you be discharged?’

‘End of the week, all being well. Few more tests.’ He’s vague, lest River mistake his condition for any sort of weakness. It was simply a matter of record keeping that he had been shot. Dodging death in a manner almost offensive, and powering ahead like he still has the world at his feet.

Only, it’s starting to settle in. What River had said. When one choice is Slough House, the other is quit the Service. There’s no route back to the Park. This isn’t the minor blip he’s pretending it is. This is as good a death as he’ll ever get.

River might feel sorry for him. Under all the resentment, there might be a tiny sliver of him that wouldn’t wish his life on anyone else. Especially Spider, for some reason.

They sit in their torturous silence. When they built their walls, they’d been too close to see that they’d hemmed each other in with them. Stuck in a hellish limbo between saying nothing and saying everything. The goodwill between them, if it ever had existed – in the liminal ‘before’ – had run dry. There remained only an itch, like a phantom feeling for something that could still exist, but never will again. River needs to be broken down, and James needs to consume him. That was the unspoken order of things. But, to admit it would be the worst betrayal. Instead they sit, in this prison of their own making, thinking of what life would look like, as if they didn’t already know.

‘I’m gonna go.’ As River turns to his coat, he finds the forgotten bouquet beneath it. Spider’s eyes widen. ‘Oh, yeah. I got you these.’ He extracts them, now more than slightly squashed, and hands them to Spider. ‘Lilies, in case you’d died.’

Receiving them now, Spider knows what he should say. He’s opened up a clear line of sight. You got me flowers, you pathetic fuck? But he can’t. Some unseen chain snags around his neck. He holds the flowers, plastic crinkling as he turns them over in his hands.

‘I wouldn’t make it that easy for you.’

River finds himself smiling, despite himself. Despite everything.

‘I’m sure.’ He throws on his coat. ‘Give Taverner my love and… erm– enjoy unemployment!’

‘Fuck you, River.’

‘Fuck you, Spider.’

And although they both wish it weren’t, the world as they’d always known it is back.

#river cartwright #james spider webb #spider webb #river x spider #river cartwright/spider webb #river cartwright x spider webb #waterspout #my weird sons and their psychosexual obsession with each other #georgia’s fics #slow horses #watch spider pretend he wouldn’t drink river’s bathwater for nearly 2k words!

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malaidarling · 5 months

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i’ve been stuck at this level in chinese for over a year...

#however last year it did say like. ~2k words instead of NEARLY 4K??!#chinese is insane. i dont feel like ive made any progress at all.#langblr #chinese #mandarin langblr #chinese langblr #diaries

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ghost-proofbaby · 15 days

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i accidentally wrote 5k words

#it is amazing what this singular brain cell of mine is capable of when writing feral overprotective men #this isn't counting the 2k i wrote EARLIER to FINISH the previous chapter. i have nearly 2 chapters back to back finished for this. WHAT.#i need to SLEEP #where is this energy when i'm writing MAROON jesus christ #when i saw the word count i just stared in disbelief and swore it was a glitch #my hands slipped idk

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osameowdazai · 6 months

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Should I post the fic I wrote after I get some sleep and revise it some.

#it's uhhh rimlaine end up with a dog basically #it's nearly 2k words and i wrote it all today #don't expect anything fantastic from it #I'm not a writer after all #but.#i did it anyway.

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andro-dino · 9 months

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Ramble about kyonile and kyohyotsu

OURGHH MAN WHERE DO I EVEN START

kyonile make me SICK to my fucking stomach bc of how perfect they are for each other. I rlly do not draw them enough anymore and that is a crime bc I love them so much. I feel like a broken record the way I talk about the same things with them every time BUT ITS BC THOSE THINGS ARE THE THINGS THAT KEEP ME INSANE. it’s the way they instantly get along with each other and match each others energies so well. the way nile so quickly earns Kyoya’s respect and how quickly Kyoya opens up to him. the fact that Nile is so instantly able to understand the way Kyoya works and what goes on in his head better than like anyone else. Their mutual respect for each other and the fact that they can bounce off of each other so well and that their relationship is completely equal at all times is so important to me. both of them are so in tune with each other and hold so much pride and respect for the other they make me insane. I actually really like that they don’t really ever bicker or get into arguments bc it’s really just a testament to how well they know each other and mesh with each other. I like to think that Kyoya is far more willing to listen to Nile than anyone else, even if Nile says the same things as someone else. Like, if anyone else were to tell Kyoya to settle down or smth he would snap so hard at them, but if Nile were to, he might actually consider it. On Nile’s end, I like to think he’s like, a walking Kyoya translator. If Kyoya does some really wack aloof thing that makes someone pissed off and/or confused, Nile’s the first guy to be like “ah no that’s actually just his way of showing gratitude. yeah he’s just like that sometimes.” Whenever I think about them in a romantic light, I always like to think that their relationship would go exactly the same way as their friendship. Just an instant, mutual understanding that doesn’t need to be spoken out loud to be understood. I hc kyoya as not being really open to physically affection most of the time but out of all his partners, Nile’s the one he feels the most comfortable being affectionate with. It just feels so easy and natural when they’re together, it’s nice. When he’s not doing that though, he tends to be a lot more abstract and beat around the bush a lot when he’s trying to show his love and that just kinda makes Nile smile and laugh at him for being stupid. Overall, they’re nice I like them a lot <3

AND KYOHYOTSU. OURGHHHHHH KYOHYOTSU 💞💞💞💞💞

Literally the biggest brain ship I’ve ever thought of I was a genius for that. Their dynamic is so special to me I just I just I just. There’s so much to it man. Initially it started focused on Kyoya’s dynamic with the other two. Tsubasa and Kyoya are just. like. so fucking gay man. they make my brain hurt. The way their relationship starts with animosity and conflict and how it develops just drives me so wild. A lot of Tsubasa’s conflict in fusion with other characters comes from how focused he is on his mission and how much tunnel vision that ends up giving him. His seriousness develops into a kind of closed-off-ness and self isolation that makes him so hesitant to build genuine connections with others, but at the same time he cares so much for the safety and well being of others, though goes about showing it in very cryptic ways. Kyoya meanwhile, is very straightforward and all guns blazing when it comes to a lot of things and he never hesitates to show his drive, and that contrast is what makes their conflict in battle bladers so interesting to me. Tsubasa tries so hard to try and take a kind moral high ground(??) for lack of a better term, and Kyoya just absolutely is not having any of it. Despite his aggression towards Tsubasa in that moment, he’s very clearly fueled by his intense, burning passion and his drive, and that just lights a spark in Tsubasa. Kyoya is what completely changes Tsubasa’s perspective on beyblade and what ends up lighting a greater fire and passion in him that very clearly changes Tsubasa and opens him up more and it’s so important. The way that Tsubasa ends up gaining Kyoya’s respect afterwards by showing that change and how their relationship feels so much tighter because of it is so good. The way Tsubasa teases Kyoya and the way Kyoya stands by Tsubasa’s side and openly shows his support for him is just so pivotal and shows just how quickly their relationship has grown. They’re so different yet exactly the same and both of them being out so much in each other that is so important for both of them. Their rivalry and interactions bring out so much in each other and is clearly a positive driving force for them both which continues to be shown afterwards and their connection means so much to me. Their romantic dynamic has so much potential to be both incredibly sweet and endearing and extremely fucking stupid. They’re both dorks and losers who bring out the best in each other and ignite each others competitive spark which really is like the pinnacle of romance in beyblade terms but also that connection is just so. aurgh. aurghhhh <3333. Them supporting each other and taking care of each other in their own own cryptic ways is such a sweet dynamic and the ways they care about each other is just so important. I think they would have their moments of grinding each others gears, which I think just comes when they’re similar in the specific ways they are, but in the end they really do just care about each other so much. I really like to think that their relationship is built on a lot of wordless and indirect affection, both of them I think would show their love a lot more thru actions than anything else, and the little things they do for each other just instantly make sense to the other when they happen. It’s their own little way of communicating that only works because it’s these two specifically.

Kyohyo on the other hand make me want to throw both of them against the wall. THEY ARE SOOOOOOO SILLY AND STUPID AND DUMB AND LAME I HATE THEM SO MUCH 🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶 Honestly i started thinking about them so much bc they’re just so funny together. Both of them are so jealous of each other at first bc of both of their relationships with Gingka and it’s so funny the way they’re both like seething silently with rage. Tbh all of this is making me want to rewatch fusion bc it’s been a minute and I need to reinject them into my veins. Them going from hating each other at first to whatever the hell they’ve got going on afterwards is really entertaining to me and I care about them deeply. I think it’s really fun to look at it from Hyoma’s perspective specifically bc I feel like even tho he was hiding it with a lot of his weirdoness, he was very clearly very jealous but despite that, he still ends up bonding and growing closer with the main gang and being good friends with them, and so his aggression towards Kyoya quickly growing into endearment and affection and how he would end up reacting to that development is really interesting. Then on Kyoya’s part, I can just imagine the confusion when Hyoma starts being friendlier and more affectionate and he is just not at all prepared for it. In general i love the potential dynamic of them still occasionally lightheartedly beefing with each other and Hyoma being able to confuse and fluster Kyoya in a way no one else can.

My love of both of these ships is what initially made me think “but what if all three of them held hands” and it only got worse from there. They also ended up making me love hyotsu a lot bc I didn’t initially realize how good they are together. There’s kind of an angsty aspect to it with them both being such uniquely lonely characters who tend to hide what they’re really thinking, but I think that could really bring them together. I really like to think of them specifically as a really sweet and affectionate duo. I think of Tsubasa as someone who craves affection but doesn’t know how to go about receiving it, while Hyoma has so much love in his heart that he needs to share, and that combined makes them very sweet to each other. I think that can kinda go a lot for the trio in general, where Hyoma is usually the one initiating and Tsubasa and Kyoya go about receiving that in their own kinds of ways. There’s a lot of ways you can take their dynamic and I really love that about them. One thing that I really enjoy is that, despite the fact that I do love overly affectionate and sappy relationships in shipping, I also think when you have characters like these guys it’s interesting to explore the alternative ways they would experience romance bc I don’t think it’d be like that all the time. I really like doing this with Kyoya specifically, bc he’s definitely not one to show his affection openly and I think he would need his space a lot, but thinking about the alternative ways he can show he cares without being super openly affectionate is really nice. I think one of the biggest things for him would just be accompanying his partners in different ways. I’ve kinda mentioned these before but little things like walking with them when they have to go run errands and things, staying nearby while they’re cuddling even if he’s not in the mood for it himself, little encouraging comments and observations, just a bunch of different things that while not super obvious, are important shows of affection coming from Kyoya. Another angle I really like to take with these three is a kind of hurt/comfort focusing on Hyoma and his loneliness, and how they both amplify and quell that. I’ve written a fic about this concept that I’m still actually pretty proud of (cough cough shameless promo) and it’s just an idea I’ve thought about a lot. The loneliness part kinda just comes free with Hyoma’s character but taking it in the angle of him in a relationship, i just think it’s really interesting thinking about how much love he has for his partners and how much time he wants to spend with them that he often can’t because of how much they’re separated. Him constantly being tied to Koma while they can never be tied down at all creates a long distance relationship that just is constantly highlighting how isolated he tends to be sometimes. Though they combat this by visiting as much as they can, and every available moment, both of them make sure to love him and reassure him that they’re there for him and that they always will be and support him as much as they can and that’s just is something I think he would really need. I love all of them so dearly and they make me so incredibly sick with how cute they are together. Thank u for giving me this opportunity to be insane <3

#axel’s silly little thoughts #got especially silly with this one #nile beyblade #kyoya tategami #tsubasa otori #hyoma beyblade #anon I don’t know if u were prepared for me to write a nearly 2k word essay about this when you sent this ask #but that’s what I did smile #can u tell they’re some of my favorite ships

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tervaneula · 1 year

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Okay. OKAY. NQK chapter 11 is so close to being finished, please send me the strength to not get distracted and I might be able to update it TOMORROW AT LATEST

#it was supposed to be like 1k words. it's nearly 2k now #hee hee hoo hoo my brain has been hijacked #it's terv #nqk

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lavenoon · 9 months

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*cracks knuckles*

(gonna copy this to AO3 too, after sending it, but I don’t know it just feels like tradition to send the big ones to tumblr first haha)

Ok let's get right to it!!

So first of all I gotta say I love everything about this first ever interaction! It really gives a good look at what it was like for both Dusk and Robin before meeting each other.

Like, the fact that Dusk was so sure he would be able to get there before them, because he took a “shortcut”, but it’s clear who is the most familiar with the city and the actual fastest routes. He’s so impressed that they were able to get there faster than him, haha! The fact that he did this at all makes me wonder if as a way of proving himself as capable as he is, he has taken it upon himself for a while to get into jobs above his ranks and steal the show. He certainly seems to have had a plan from the start to outdo this agent, even if he didn’t know who they were at first.

But I adore that Robin immediately shows him it’s not that easy. They are a star agent for a reason. Beating him there, stealing his cap, and not even a lick of doubt when they say they are sure they could take him in a fight. Dusk might be used to people outright being scared of him, but Robin shows none of that.

Not that they’re unaffected of course. We see it through all the chapter and Dusk throws a couple of low blows even if he doesn’t realize it. “The prickly agent that no one likes”, and especially the “If that’s how you treat your fellow agents, maybe it’s no surprise you’re unpopular.” Because oof. We know a younger Robin likely tried. Really tried to get along with others before any illusion of camaraderie was broken. And it must have felt like they were the problem because of something natural to them. And now Dusk is telling them that they are the problem for how they choose to act. Damned if you do, and damned if you don’t right? (and while I know that it’s probably not necessary at all I am just a bit curious if Moon ever thinks back and realizes his words might have stung more than he realized at first)

But aaaah, it seems Robin’s honesty does seem to have piqued his interest! Because there are implications in what Robin says about him needing to try harder to make fun of them. That maybe it wasn’t just once or twice that they received worse. Also there’s Robin saying that he doesn’t trust him, because he can hardly argue against the fact that they haven’t seen him work, and they have already shown that they are ahead of him in the game twice in the night so far. So it’s not a dismissal of him being incapable, it’s very much just that as an agent they can’t just go ahead and make careless assumptions, and Dusk knows it.

But oooh it’s so nice seeing how they can clearly connect a little, even if Robin tries to resist it. Because Dusk reminds them so much of their own early days and how he shares some of the same interests and likes that they need to keep guarded most of the time.

(sidenote: ooough my heart when he asked if they had given up on the fun, because while clearly they haven’t it’s such a lonely way of having fun and I worry that eventually they would have lost the drive to even try and keep that aspect of their job in the future ;-;)

And pffff it was hilarious seeing Dusk so cocky, confident that he’d just stolen the job from the top agent and was on his way to impress the office XD I can just imagine whoever needed the info looking at what he brought and going “ok… where’s the rest?” and him suddenly a mini panic because uh oh, what rest?

Kinda deserved tbh XD

(But aaaah again with the “you’re no fun” bit ooough, because trying to be fun only brought them rejection among their peers HHHHHH)

But it’s clear that with every moment that passes Dusk doesn’t really think they’re not fun. Actually it seems he really finds them the most fun to be around, and it’s nice that he seems to bring out that a bit more when he himself reflects what Robin wishes the job could be more about, cool stuff and booby traps or even just the secret agent theme being a cool thing to think about. Bet Dusk counted it as an absolute win when they finally ended up laughing freely. Also the fact that he was so offended at the notion that he is boring because he keeps telling them not to swear is so funny XD How dare they imply he’s as dull as the other agents!

And awww when they mentioned him in the report! It’s not nothing to receive a commendation from the star agent, but to Robin it was probably just giving credit where credit is due. But oof, the small doubts that he is still just using them to serve his own image are still there and they definitely come to play later in the fic.

It’s nice to see how from then on Robin half takes him under their wing (had to, sorry Robin XD), but it also is not precisely mentorship, but a developing friendship with a pinch of helping out. The fact that they let him know the rookie mission was a setup to alleviate the pressure from the “failure” after all. How it’s a cynical practice to harden the agents. Knowing that would definitely help him be more aware of how EVOC works.

But aaaaaa then we get the nice routine established only for the doubts to come back with a vengeance. And ooough it hurts! Because Dusk was likely just looking for some guidance on what to expect if he did get the promotion. So from his perspective the sudden hostility likely felt like a slap on the face! But it comes back to that right? Robin’s fears, that once again them being them is what will make them lose it all. That once the newbie climbs up to where they are he’ll kick them from their place, because now the higher ups found someone better and if they keep slacking off it’ll go beyond that. Deep down they probably know Dusk isn’t trying to hijack what they have, but even if aware of their practices, Robin is still affected by what the company has done to them. Having left behind nearly everything else, the prospect of having the one thing they cling to torn away is too much at that moment. And so they snap at the main threat, who is also the closest they’ve had to a friend. Makes me think a little of the non canon scenario, where the boys get a promotion, actually! Because no wonder if this was the initial reaction, in that case it would feel even worse!

But omg! The part where they defend him AAAAAAA Because gosh, if that didn't mean everything I don’t know what would! Just everything about it! The fact that every time he looks at them his eyes turn blue! The red reserved for those antagonizing him! Robin at first thinking that it’s best for him to just handle the situation alone like they had to because nobody helped when they needed it, only to become so angry at the agent discrediting all Dusk has done that they automatically intervene. Because they saw the potential! They know it’s not true! They literally had a freak out because Dusk is that good that they felt their rank was in jeopardy! And they put a stop to the mockery because it just isn’t right! Makes me remember Dusks words from a couple chapters ago. When y/n says they weren't always nice, but he replies that they have always been kind. He likely saw that way before this incident, but I can see it staying with him for a long time.

And ooough the confrontation! Dusk really deserving an explanation of what was all that about and Robin knowing that if there’s anything they do to fix it, it’s going to involve opening the slightest about their insecurities. And at first it must seem like a dismissal to Dusk. A finality of Robin saying that he’s the problem that will make them lose what’s most important, but then they call out to him! And he sees that they really don’t want to throw him aside and this must be the most vulnerable they’ve seen this hardened agent that doesn’t drop the facade around anyone else. And they’re about to offer, but they’re scared. And he can see that. But they retreat before he can even reassure them and it’s a glimpse of the person no else has likely seen, and he must understand as well. He just faced a whole lot of rejection, it’s no wonder he recognizes it in someone else’s face.

(also shaking Robin’s hand about fearing disappointment most of all)

But aaah that’s such a sweet ending! Dusk finally got to deliver the smooth line that got interrupted before XD Makes me wonder if he intended to deliver it that first night when they met but was just completely thrown off by finding Robin there hehe

A complete delight of a chapter, Luce!! I adored every second of it!! <3

In the most affectionate way, I'd love if tumblr allows read mores for asks just so I could un-collapse your asks like those comically long unfolding scripture rolls or something. Y'know in cartoons when they start unrolling and it just keeps going? I want that FHDJS

but without further ado, the actual reply!

The thing about Dusk (and Dawn) at the start of their agent career is... They underwent a year of training, where especially Dusk quickly realized that he excels at the sneaky stealthy aspects, and he's a gremlin who likes to climb. Equipped with his special grip gloves (courtesy of Eclipse), parkour works out just fine for him, and while he technically hasn't started so long ago, he's gotten used to being better than human agents! And those human agents, too - except they don't even wait to see his performance, rather dismissing it because "he's an animatronic, of course he's good". He doesn't want that - it's empty validation.

So when Dusk sees a certain someone leave, with people around him sparing them only disdainful glances, if anything... Well, he decided to prove his merit and show that he's good! He gathers it's a star agent, asks where they're headed, and thought he could get a headstart, only to get there at top speed and they're already there. Spiderman pointing meme moment.

And it that sense, Robin's insistence that he's a rookie is refreshing to him. Because yeah, sure, it can rankle his pride - he wanted to prove how good he is, and there's someone insisting he's not that great! But then he just. stays. and realizes they see him as a beginner agent, which he is. They don't see him and say "ah, animatronic, of course you're great". They basically tell him "no matter what, you just started out. Stay vigilant, or it's going to bite you in the ass." He's intrigued!

He's still a little shit, and he throws those low blows - without realizing. He tries to match the energy Robin puts out while still adapting his plans from "show up this star agent" to "tag along with this star agent", and he ends up hurting them. And he realizes it quickly, too. Because he doesn't need to look back far into the future - he falls silent right then and there. Robin tells him outright they've had worse, try harder, and Dusk walks behind them with the realization that 1) they just admitted that they think he wants to hurt them, and 2) they have gone through a lot that made them this prickly. He's already getting prickly! He's been doing proper field work for just a few weeks there! All his attempts to be seen and acknowledged and taken seriously while having fun, fruitless.

And then they have their little conversation where Robin locks up when it's their turn to answer, and still he gets it when he spots the sticker on their little gadget.

Their honesty is crucial here, too. They keep secrets, yes - that comes with the job. But they tell him he's a rookie, they tell him they don't trust him, and they refuse to be vulnerable for the same reason. Dusk can appreciate that, and he refuses to push more of their buttons after that moment in the staircase.

Robin appreciates it, too. He's "clear", he doesn't mock them for those crumbs of joy they held on to. They're scared of connection and crave it at the same time, so it's a strange mix for them still. But hey, surely it's a one off!

(Also I need you to know that I am currently trying to stomp out another timeline thought at "Robin does give up on fun")

Well, and then Dusk goes back to his initial plan (: He grabs all the information they were sent to gather, but he's superficial, sloppy. Robin figures that not everything is kept digitally, and goes for the papers - and they find additional information. So it's not that there's a rest that's missing, but River gets two reports, one technically fine and just what she asked for, the other going above and beyond with even more information. She tells Dusk that next time he should save her some time and make her read one report only, and that'd be the report with the extra leverage he didn't provide.

Cue a little confrontation - and once again, Robin reminds him that he's a newbie and has a lot to learn! He's prickly about it, but he also just enjoys that they talk to him without bias, because whelp, obviously it's not a bias to say he's a beginner! He can admit that! (Dawn can't, not as well. Another reason the reverse rivalry starts out tenser). Dusk catches a glimpse of where Robin is headed next, and decides it's time for little shit, round two!

(And he immediately gets schooled, again. He nearly got a sizeable dent into his shell for spooking them, and he takes the moment to process that they absolutely could hold their own against him. He's a weirdo, so that only excites him)

Another mission where he tags along against their will, but they threaten him marginally less and he takes it as a win. Again the honesty strikes him - he's being silly, probing to see how Robin would engage, and they catch him by surprise with the mental image of automated suits of armor! It's again a proof for him that they're not as prickly as they pretend they are - and how ironic, that later on they start calling him the cactus!

He gets delegated to standing watch, but then he does actually get to see action. Takes care of it quickly, only to spot Robin standing in the doorway, and for the first time there's the notion of surprise, and in their moment of whiplash and in his own expectation, that looks way too much like fear. He thinks now he's going to lose that connection, make them realize that he's got inbuilt weapons that give him an unfair advantage, all the things he's been told before.

He cracks a joke. They laugh - openly, and maybe just a bit too much, but neither of them is going to complain. They make a joke back, and he gets to run with it, and thus the banter is born! So he pouts extra when they call him boring after that, but he also takes it as a challenge to turn it up a notch! Despite acting affronted, he's mostly relieved that it doesn't seem to have changed what Robin thinks of him.

Robin of course is still paranoid, and since Dusk himself burned them just the mission before by ditching them, trying to steal the credit (what they think - he did credit them in his report!), they opt for revenge. They leave him behind. He takes it as a hint.

But Robin is honest. They credit him in their report - and later on, too, when their shared missions become a pattern. That's the "good word" the higher ups mean when they promote him. He'd be good enough without that input, too - or Dawn wouldn't have been promoted in the same breath, but it's something Dusk remembers.

The rookie mission? It didn't go badly. Not for Dusk (and Dawn). No, they did well, but received backlash from other agents for all the usual things. Robin doesn't know that, and assumes when they find Dusk avoiding everyone and acting hissy, but they're genuine in their reassurance. It's what makes him relax, in the end. He still hates the outcome of the mission, so they were right as far as that is concerned, but they tell him it's okay, that's how it's meant to end, and it's not a personal failing.

It tells him more about Robin, too. The fact that they seek to reassure him. The fact that they're so competitive. The fact that they offer him distraction, and fun.

But even the nicest routine doesn't erase their insecurities.

Dusk asks them what it's like to be a star agent, and they demonstrate. He's baffled, because he's been told they advocated for him, only for them to lash out like this - he doesn't know how terrified they are. Losing their rank would prove everyone who made fun of them right. They have no friends, they barely have a life outside of work, and since they were a recruit of the "work for us or we're going to make your life hell after 'infiltrating' our base" sort, they're just waiting for the higher ups to get rid of them. They're too unconventional but now there's an agent who is obviously more efficient, and they have seen him in action. They know he's good.

And they're scared. They can't lash out against the higher ups, so they tell Dusk to stay away, and he does. They're both miserable for a good while, and there are so many changes in their life. Robin avoids Dusk like the plague, and Moon is too hurt to even want to introduce himself to the very nice new landlord Sun found for them.

It's been a throwaway thought that Dusk, in moments of stress when he's expected to look at people but he just doesn't want to see, switches to thermal vision because it's shapes, and less detail. He doesn't do that when it comes to Robin. He sees them duck away, but they don't leave.

And then someone makes the mistake to say Dusk isn't actually a good agent, and just got the promotion because he's an animatronic.

Imagine you're Dusk, in that moment. (Ironic, maybe, given that Robin is the reader insert, but shh). The closest person to a friend "breaks up" with you just a few short weeks ago for being too good of an agent. They avoid you. You see them when they run into you and some other agents in the middle of insulting you, and they lock up. They don't interact, but they also don't leave - and then one insult makes them snap back up and just yeet their snack at the offender. That split second of widened eyes as they realize what they've done. Instinct. They did that on instinct, for you. And then they double down. There's the prickly star agent that no one likes. But they channel all that venom into your defense.

Dusk, of course, is still pissed. And he's well within his right for that! They lashed out, they haven't apologized, and they also don't really do that, not explicitly. He asked an innocuous question (as he thought) and got that in return.

But he stays, to ask. Tries to make sense of things. He gets that explanation, but it doesn't have much hope for him in that moment. For those few seconds he feels like he'll just have to accept that being promoted was the end of that friendship. But Robin doesn't want to lose that, either. They're the one who pushed him away, and now they're the one trying to reach out - and with everything he knows about them, he sees them withdraw, back into that hardened shell they hide behind, and he wants to reach out and stop them, but the hurt is too fresh and they're not that close - he doesn't know how he could.

This is the moment that future Moon looks back to with the thought that he should have stopped them from leaving. It worked out fine for them all, sure, but he now realizes just how scared they were, and wishes he would have held them back and reassured them then and there. It wouldn't have worked! They wouldn't have accepted it! But it's something on his mind, when he gets to know them better.

But it does work out for them. Dusk goes back to what he knows best, and what kept them entertained for so long. Before, it may have been a somewhat mentorship flavored friendship, but they're both star agents now, the same rank, and now it's a full fledged rivalry. He gets them by surprise, gets to be smooth about it, and he gets his friend back <3

#answer let luce #chaotikanvas #accidentally undercover #thank you for letting me ramble about my thoughts hehe <3 #there was a lot only implied in this chapter and it's fun to elaborate on that #Dusk didnt have the line ready that first mission - he did truly expect to be there before them #but he got scolded for not being stealthy and immediately chose violence (in form of bad flirts) about it #this is nearly 2K words in addition to however many words the comment/ ask itself is gfhdjs #fun fun fun <3

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