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sigmashuffle · 7 months

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I have a question!! So I’m a long-time BSD enjoyer but I haven’t read nearly as much of the manga as I would like. I’ve seen all of the anime though, most of it multiple times through. I didn’t realize until looking at the comments on Danny Motta’s video at how much people fucking hate Fukuchi and his sword. Up until this point I’ve thought it’s cool as hell and he, along with the sword, bring something kinda new and fun to the series.

HOWEVER, I know BSD is FAR from perfect and there’s a lot of dumb shit that faithful manga readers have a better perspective on. Would you mind explaining why Fukuchi and the sword are such a sore point? I hope this isn’t too much to ask. I just really want to know.

Hi anon! Its not too much to ask at all!

Unfortunately the answer to that is best explained in the context of ALL the issues I have with the manga/show so... this is going to be v long... and im done giving this show more credit than it deserves but don't take it that seriously lol I hesitate to even consider my pov to be on par with the average manga reader but ig we'll see how my opinions hold up after i post

And disclaimer: I don't mind answering this but ONLY with the context that this is 100% my opinion (as of late, bsd as a whole has just been REALLY bugging me so im just gonna take this opportunity to explain my gripes since most of them apply to or tie greatly into fukuchi's character/design/motivations/development)

I simply don't want anyone to come for my head bc of anything I say here tho, bc I feel like I may disagree with a large portion of the fanbase but WITH THAT SAID...

***from this point forward there will be a few spoilers from s5e11***

Here are my gripes with BSD...

1. BSD and its "magic system"?

bsd powers suffer from what i like to call a "lack of scope"

granted this could be due to the fact the story isnt complete HOWEVER im sure any anime fan can tell you this story doesnt feel like it is leading anywhere its just... going... (ill get to the awful pacing later)

for comparison sake im going to also talk about The Case Study of Vanitas since it is the world I have the most experience in

what does BSD not have that VNC does?

simply put, the magic system doesnt reinvent itself character to character

in VNC if you have an ability it is EXCLUSIVELY connected to "manipulations of the world formula" which is essentially elemental control (fire, ice, gravity, etc.) based on a sci fi version of chemistry (alchemy, if you will) and this rule applies to EVERY CHARACTER in VNC

its a structure that starts developing from the beginning

BSD however introduces a WHOLE NEW magic system for each character

some character abilities are similar, yes, and can be classified as such, but many cannot be classified

again a magic system doesnt NEED to have strict rules (its actually more boring that way if the rules are too simple) but it DOES need RULES... and solid ones

otherwise its tempting to use the MAGIC system to fill in PLOT RELATED gaps

and if that system isnt defined, well, to me that looks like lazy/sloppy/illogical writing

if you like the whiplash of not knowing whats gonna happen next, fine, (i did for awhile too!) up until the unpredictability started to come from powers that as a whole look like an authors way of trying to write themselves out of their own plot hole

ie: time travel

specifically time travel that isnt introduced FROM THE BEGINNING...

2. Fukuchi and his "deus ex machina" sword

time travel is NOTORIOUSLY difficult to pull off and especially by my standards

I have watched Doctor Who since 2008, before I even knew what tumblr was I was doing my own solo fandom stuff (basically just watching a LOT of youtube video essays) but basically I have high standards when it comes to time travel in stories

Amenogozen has the POTENTIAL to be a great weapon if used in a logical context... but theres one thing the sword (and BSD as a whole) does not follow

RULES

time travel is TRICKY mostly bc it has consequences... in BSD fukuchi gives nothing in exchange for his powers

lets even toss time travel aside for the moment

what is Fukuchi's innate special ability? Mirror Lion... (read below)

its essentially an attack multiplier of x100 at CLOSE RANGE

lets say your average untrained human punch is 150psi (pounds per square inch) which is the pressure equivalent of a point 100m below the surface of the ocean...

with Mirror Lion's multiplier you get 15,000psi which would be 10,000m or 10 kilometers

a pressure equivalent to the deepest part of the ocean (i dont need to remind you how powerful water is... we all know about oceangate)

MY POINT IS HE'S OVERPOWERED AS FUCK

dont even get me started on his motivations too

im glad we got backstory for him in ep 11 and im sure we are just supposed to sum up his motivations into "he was willing to pay the high price for world peace" but tbh royally fuck that

dont TELL me thats what he believes

PROVE to me how you made that conclusion

also the only reason he even dies is becasue he wants fukuzawa to kill him... we dont have any sense of accomplishment for stopping his scheme because NOW the scheme has been PLOPPED right into fukuzawa's lap which fukuchi intended to do from the start... apparently

and this seemingly retroactive decision-making is a problem A LOT of bsd characters have, especially the one and only character i hate THE MOST... *drumroll*

3. Osamu fucking Dazai

oh boy...

I have thought long and hard about Dazai... im not going to lie, after ch109 and ep10 I was about to admit Dazai might actually have grown on me BUT

this was all erased after 6 minutes into ep11 when he was confirmed to indeed NOT be dead

Dazai just *knows* everything thats gonna happen

Chuuya was never a vamp... he knew this... and somehow his ENTIRE escape plan was just hinging on that? bc yknow... hE kNeW fRoM tHe bEgiNniNg

OSAMU DAZAI IS A PLOT DEVICE USED *ONLY* TO FILL IN NARRATIVE HOLES

HE IS A WAY TO FORCE PROGRESS ON A STORY WITHOUT EVER GIVING A REAL EXPLANATION

HIS CHARACTER IS AN INSULT TO INTELLIGENCE

His character is paper thin, with motivations that do not translate to his actions

and frankly... im tired of it...

additionally... if sigma doesn't survive, all of Meursault was literally useless... so why pick him for nikolai's prison break game?

even if he does, it means the ONLY thing we get out of the arc is information about fyodor... as to WHAT information, who knows... but regardless, a villain arc that has been going on for TOO GODDAMN LONG (40 chapters?) should have a resolution that isnt "i knew what was gonna happen all along"

we spent the whole time being SHOWN that fyodor and dazai were of equal intelligence levels... or at least higher than what dazai was used to dealing with

if dazai could just predict shit like this from the beginning why was fyodor a villain for so long? makes ZERO sense, dazai would've defeated him AGES ago... what makes THIS time any different?

also... why is he even suicidal? yeah ok the author was... but like... why make it such a present character trait?... so we can fake kill him over and over? idk

can you tell i dislike him?

4. THEORY vs PRACTICE

I am a "show dont tell" girlie

ALL BSD DOES IS "TELL TELL TELL" ...its infuriating

almost every power/special ability has an element of "trust me bro" ok SOME OF THEM DONT but most of them do

ie: atsushi is a tiger (what does that even mean), kenji gets strong when he's angry (ok hulk?), and THIS JUST IN we STILL don't know how fyodor's ability works... and now he's DEAD?... we also dont know almost any detail about sigma's ability and he might ALSO be dead

but thats only regarding abilities...

when it comes to writing stories using people of high intelligence it is VERY difficult to not get into the aforementioned "trust me bro" mindset which BSD does REPEATEDLY

im not listing off every example but off the top of my head is one scene from s4...

ranpo explains his plan for saving yosano loosely involved "replacing the engine [of an armored vehicle] with an electric motor and playing engine sounds over the speakers so no one noticed" ...and only i can pick this claim to shreds lol (i engineer electric vehicles for a living) but this is so wrong on so many levels...

Internal combustion engines and Electric motors are IN NO WAY EQUIVALENT

ranpo would never be able to power a vehicle the size of an armored truck with a motor that he installed an hour before the truck was put to use... he just wouldnt... the vehicle is too big... ugh *facepalm*

and dont even get me started on batteries...

MY POINT IS

if you want to write some *genius move* at least TRY to do some research to make the action believable

thats like saying "oh yeah i ran out of gas so a threw a couple AA batteries into my gas tank until i could make it to the station"

BUT THAT WOULDNT FLY BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE KNOW THATS NOT HOW CARS WORK

*sigh*

5. Manga Readers' POV

the.chapters.are.too.short

especially for a monthly released manga

i am relatively new to anime and manga... like late 2020, so I am part of the "new gen" I guess you could say so i know i dont have any right to complain about pacing in comparison to like... the dressrosa arc of One Piece

with that said, not enough in bsd BUILDS on itself

it all feels like a self "one-up"

its been too long since any of my large questions have been answered

honestly its rare that any of my questions are ever answered because the narrative rarely follows logical progression anyway and any scenes thats ARE useful are cut from the anime

characters do not *develop* their powers, they just simply ARE

whatever ability you are born with limits what you can do and thats that... which leads me to...

6. Types of Ability Users

the most coherent thing i think i can speak on so this will be short lol

there are 3 types... i think (excluding lightnovels, i have not read 15, Stormbringer, or any others)

(1) natural abilities (ones that can be nullified by dazai or stolen like in Dead Apple)

(2) human/god fusions (chuuya) -> but this can ALSO be nullified???

(3) when an ability isnt an ability (it CANT be nullified) -> ie: whatever the fuck Lovecraft is

Sigma -> ??? (he could be part of the natural ability category but like... it feels weird to put him there)

but... there is never a comparison between these types so im not even sure of this "list" is exhaustive

this is just another way the story is leaving open ways to dig itself out of a plot hole... which isnt fun... bc now there are no stakes... there are no rules... its disorganized chaos where anything can happen

everyone will always be fine because there is a way out of everything

and thats BORING... and for me, downright infuriating

fukuchi likely falls into the first category... but then again he's also using a tool from another ancient ability user... so does he even fit there?

7. Anime Adaptation

rushed

RUSHED

and i know why...

BSD is so thin on STABLE plot the story would feel like its dragging if Bones wasn't animating at the pace they are (see Manga Readers' POV)

so to try and counteract the feeling that nothing is happening they are cutting "irrelevant" scenes BUT ALSO important portions relevant ones (ie: aku's death)

do all the plot points from the manga happen? by definition, yes... but the nuance the manga has is lost almost entirely

Atsushi doesn't physically throw an injured Aku's arm over his shoulders... Aku doesn't smile upon his demise... Aku doesn't reach out through the fog of the fire extinguisher (the adaptation of this scene was personally my last straw)

and then we have the new anime content...

why did we tack on an additional fight? zero context... didn't even tie up loose ends from fukuchi like...

is sigma alive?

are chuuya/dazai/nikoali still in france? europe?

is fyodor going to return in some way? (we know nothing of his motives, ability, or MOST importantly, what information did he learn from Sigma??? his ability is an EXCHANGE so why even have that happen if they are both dead anyway?) why would you fucking kill off a character like this

WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THIS ENTIRE ARC??? The mere reason I'm asking this question is, in and of itself, unacceptable

we MAY get an answer later... but its been 20 episodes... why the fuck dont we know anything about the arc we just completed? ...ludicrous

Final Thoughts

BSD does not have enough reliable rules in its magic system to form a solid foundation of... anything

Fukuchi is a disjointed character trying to do too many things at once, he doesn't have solid motivations, and his arc provides more questions than it answers

Osamu Dazai is not a character... he is a plot device used like a saving throw in DND

BSD frequently insults my intelligence to cover it's ass in its storytelling

being a manga reader is like taking 30 days to rip off a tiny band aid... the pacing is unbearable

even with the end of fukuchi's arc now known, there was no sense of accomplishment in defeating him bc technically we didnt… he gave himself up... so the sword was just to make him overpowered... it was pointless

the anime adaptation was rushed, scenes cherry picked, and plot narratively thinned into water... there was no depth this season

In my opinion...

There are very few redeeming characteristics about BSD now

The few meaningful scenes we do get in the manga are overwritten by later context that negates any emotion initially associated with the scene

even with the end of fukuchi's arc now known, there was no sense of accomplishment in defeating him bc technically we didnt... he gave himself up

Dazai is the worst written character I have ever read

It is very likely i drop this story entirely

If I seem salty/upset/etc. its because I am. However is NOT directed at you, it is simply a manifestation of my disappointment in this story.

...

And there you have my opinion... in way too many words... thanks for sticking around if you made it this far im impressed bc i am salty as hell lol

fin

#i hope this helps?#In all seriousness you have likely been following bsd for longer than I have (my first manga chap I had to wait for was ch101 #before then i was anime only #so like... early 2022? i think... this sideblog was born soon after)#long post #bsd discourse #asks #opinion #my post #bsd spoilers #god ok this was in my drafts for a bit #and this post likely got significantly out of hand #however i think i just needed a place to write down my thoughts #these arent even all of them by the way #i could write a whole post on dazai alone #...and not good things

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thurst-day · 3 years

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content creator year in review 🥳

tagged by: @wabisaba @defgyus @gotseventeens @offtodef @jaebam

✨first creation of 2020✨

so i made this whole stan acc on ig, twt, and ofc tumblr just for the sevens and how i found a reason to start drawing again also learn to make gifs because of them 🥺

✨most recent creations of 2020✨

i saw this euphoria trend on twt and i decided to made my simple version of that

✨one of your favourite creations of 2020✨

i probably said it in the tags already but my netflix movie poster edit really made me want to watch them as a series

✨a creation you're really proud of✨

i think these two fairytales themed birthday post of jinyoung and jeonghan because i really love the style that felt so magical

also my amerithaikhong edit (manifesting to really happen in 2021 lol)

✨a new style you tried this year and work that uses it✨

this collage art that are a mess and kinda ugly lol but never seen someone else doing it and it's just my brain tryin' to be c00l

✨a creation that took you forever✨

this halloween one idk why it took forever maybe because i made a lot of mistake and the creative process behind it and also this DYE cover drawing that took 3 days to finish

✨your creation from 2020 that received the most notes✨

srsly i thought everyone would ignore this but i'm glad they didn't because my sunshine's birthday deserved all the notes

also this jinson gifset that i forgot to watermark which someone probably already took it as theirs lmao

✨a creation you think deserved more notes✨

this got17 album cover switch because helloo i thought ahgacarat would be so many lol and i worked hard on it :')

and this wonwoo edit maybe because i posted it on the wrong time

✨a new fandom you joined and creation you made for it✨

i didn't have any tags for them but here one edit for each group, seventeen and monsta x

also @bamshine kindly introduced me to ace because i fell in love with their cb pictures so i decided to make something out of it

✨a creation you made that breaks your heart✨

ofc it has to be minghao's one bc it was probably the most beautiful gifset i've ever made??

✨a 'simple' creation that you really love✨

this triplets jackson, kinda went viral on twt i guess, well a king indeed

✨a creation inspired by someone else✨

this tarot card which the inspiration one was 100x better but i really tried like the yugyeom's one is my fav skshk

✨a favourite creation created by someone else✨

i need to re-search it again because my dumbass never save anything but from the moment i first saw this nbtm art by @youngjaes, i fell in love

✨some of your favourite creator this year✨

@defgyus @jaebam @presenteyesonyou @yuqyxom @offtodef @lilliumaura @joshuahong @iiasha @soonhoonsol @smallkore @allthelxves @inutilement @delicatecy @sunnie-dk @kyeomshine @youngjaes @wabisaba @gotseventeens

But seriously i never thought in the first place my creations would get any notes or attention at all but yet here we are. This side blog hasn't even a year old yet but i'm really grateful and amazed by people i met in this site. Thank you for supporting my works, i'll make something again in the future and i love every single one of you! ♡

#you guys made my 2020 #im really glad i got into kpop in 2020 #also got7 was the best thing that happened last year #forever thank you ♡

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meruz · 4 years

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some asks - sorry some of these are kind of old. I only get around to answering stuff once in a blue moon.

I do not! Nothing against it but I just don’t personally enjoy the process so I don’t use it in my personal work. Too much transforming and filtering.. too little actual drawing. I have however used it for professional work and sometimes I will sketch things individually and collage them together to make it easier for me to work depending on the scale. But yeah, no photobashing normally.

Thank you! (post in reference) I didn’t use any perspective grids for that drawing but occasionally for bigger pieces that require a stronger adherence to perspective I’ll use the Perspective Tools extension by Sergey Kritsky which is ABSOULTELY worth the price here on gumroad if you’re a photoshop-user - makes grids very easy to set up. You can actually see some of the grids in my process work if you’re looking for it lol

I used to be such a square abt it like “bluh perspective is just a bunch of lines i dont need a tool to do it for me like a DUMB BABY. I can just draw the grids myself and itll be good enough!!! :\” dont be like that LOL, I started using perspective tools for work last year and ported it over to my personal work so damn fast its like one of the best artistic decisions ive made. If you can make less work for yourself, PLEASE make less work for yourself.

I don’t remember what post this is but I’m like 90% its these brushes because these are like all the brushes I use LOL

hi yes thank you i LOVE grookey.

Thank you! They’re the best family!! KAROL IS MY FAVE........

you’re SO welcome. I recently watched Last Evolution Kizuna and [spoiler] WILLIS WAS IN ONE (1) SHOT... [/spoiler] so whoever was in my comments section telling me toei would never bring willis back, I think you owe me like $20

Yep! My Instagram, Twitter... I don’t have a patreon because I’m too lazy to set up tiers but I have a ko-fi if you want to drop a lil tip in my metaphorical buskers hat

You’re probably done by the game by now given how old this ask is but I’m flattered my art got you to play!! And I’m glad you love Akechi though I’m curious to know if your feelings on him have changed since sending this LOL. His latter act character stuff is one of those things that can really turn an opinion one way or another.

Thank you! Though I want to preface this by saying I don’t take requests but you can always contact me for commissions at [email protected].

I will probably draw naruto again because like every 4 years of my life I go through a naruto phase. I have drawn dangan ronpa before many many years ago and I gotta say the only time I will ever draw it again will be if I’m commissioned to lol...Nothing against it personally, it’s just not really my thing. Kiritetsu+Colossus.... I would but honestly I don’t even know what I’d draw, I feel like I covered it with that one drawing. But if you’ve got an idea... you can always commission me!!! And I’d be happy to.

Uhhhh they’re good! I like them! Yusuke’s character arc is maybe like my favorite or second favorite in the game and I love Ryuji first and foremost for max mittlemans voice acting and secondly because he is just so...so much better than P4 Yosuke who I truly could not stand.

I’m not big on Mishima but I think he’s an incredibly well written depiction of like. that dude in class who you didn’t really mean to talk to but ended up talking to and now its a little weird. I really like that event where you run into shinya while hanging out with mishima and shinyas like “whos this your friend” and ren is like “no, king, hes no one” LOL this is mostly because I just really like shinya.

ships.... I like yusuke/ryuji a lot, just aesthetically and personality wise its an interesting dynamic. I like ryuji/ann bc theyre good friends. I like ann/yusuke if I close my eyes to all the early plot stuff and just pretend theyre like.....fujiko and goemon from lupin III LMAO. ryuji/makoto? kinda woke?? I mean I feel lesbian makoto deep in my bones but also their showtime opened my eyes a lil. I think they could bond over action movies. mishima/protag is kind of fun in like a sad pathetic way.. I’m a little interested in mishima/JOKER actually bc i like identity porn plotlines lol.

YEP GO AHEAD I’ve been getting a lot of messages like this lately so I want to lay it out here and I’ll probably copy paste it into a FAQ later lol.

8Tracks and Spotify Playlists: Go ahead! please credit me either meruz.tumblr.com twitter@automeru or ig@automeruz - AND SEND ME THE PLAYLIST this is not a requirement really but I would love to listen to it.

Twitter/Tumblr Layouts/Headers: Good by me! but again PLEASE credit me somewhere VISIBLE on the layout. If it’s a twitter header/icon credit my twitter @automeru and if its tumblr credit my tumblr @meruz

Phone BGs, Desktop Wallpapers: definitely ok!! Any personal and non-commercial use of this nature, I’m cool with. If you ask me, I may even send you a hi-res version of the file but you have to promise to not scam me and sell it lol...

Instagram Reposts: A lot of artists would say no but I’m gonna say go ahead as long as you credit and tag me in the post, again my ig is @automeruz - if you don’t, and I find it, I will bug you about it in the comments and possibly even report you. Nothing personal, its just standard procedure.

Twitter/Tumblr Re-posts: Don’t?? Just RT or RB it from me?? whats wrong with you? I will report this.

Other site re-posts: I’ll probably say yes but again please credit and for this one PLEASE ask me first. It’s nothing personal really, I just want to know where my work shows up.

Video edits/fancams/comic dubs: Yes! Absolutely go ahead! And please send me a link I especially love to see this stuff!!

I also reserve all rights have you take it down if I do not agree with the usage or context, especially association with politics on the webpage/app/etc.

Thank you!!!!!!!! ;-; These are all so nice.. tucks them into a little pocket near my heart. I love drawing and I will keep trying my best to make art...! Hope you guys can look forward to it...!

#ask #asks #anonymous #looneystoo #gentlemangeek #greatasoyeah #oilux #noeggets

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dicnysiac-blog · 5 years

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miss honey. miss honey ? miss honey ! oh my fucking god, she fucking dead—because its five in the morning and i am ( hopefully ) dead asleep. but that’s not gonna stop me ! cesar’s full bio can be found HERE, but peep under the cut for the sparknotes version and a couple of wanted connections.

oh my gosh, is that CESAR REYES ? oh yeah ! i heard they identify as CIS MALE and are sometimes called the MATERIALISTIC, but i could have sworn he was DIEGO TINOCO. they’re TWENTY ONE and a JUNIOR who studies BUSINESS too, right ? word on the block is that he is pretty BOLD, AFFLUENT, CHARMING, & HONEST … but i also heard they are also GLUTTONOUS, EGOTISTICAL, RECKLESS, & PREDICTABLE. almost like BRANDON GALLOWAY, yeah ? they remind me a lot of STACKS OF MONEY, EXPENSIVE COLOGNE, THE SMELL OF A NEW CAR, & HICKEYS. do you think they could have been the culprit ? rumor has it that THEY DID IT TO IMPRESS SOMEONE THEY WANTED TO HOOK UP WITH.

ABOUT.

born and raised in leighton, baby ! probably lives in a huge ass mansion on the outskirts of town bc what’s the point of having money if you don’t spend it on prime real estate

his parents founded argentum automobiles, which is a luxury car company, and his dad is currently ceo. there was a brief period of time when his mom, before they had cesar, just ... fucked off and became a popular telenova actress in mexico, bc impulsivity is a family trait ig ? but then she got pregnant and decided to go back to business and is now cfo of the company. we stan a power couple

so yeah, ya boi grew up pretty damn comfortable, as rich people would say, but the trade off was that his parents were barely around. it wasn’t a ‘ i love my company more than my son ’ deal, like they genuinely loved cesar, but in a way the company was their first child so they’re kinda more invested, plus they justify their workaholic tendencies by saying they’re only working this hard to provide for cesar

but it’s not entirely a poor little rich boy story. is cesar a little emotionally stunted bc of the lack of attention from his parents ? yeah. but is he miserable and unhappy ? nah. like he’s bummed for sure, especially when he sees his peers’ close relationships with their parents, but he’s pretty indifferent to his parents’ absence for the most part bc it’s literally ... been like that his entire life. plus, as he grew older, he started to appreciate the sheer freedom he had to just do whatever the fuck he wanted

and he really did do whatever the fuck he wanted. who needs love when there’s money & sex ? that’s pretty much his life motto. you’d think his parents would be harder on him seeing as he’s the sole heir of the empire they built and all, but for all his shenanigans, cesar knows where to draw the line and the worst offence he’s committed is underage drinking probs, plus he keeps his grades up, so his parents are just like: whatever makes you happy, son !

he’s doing business at leighton bc it’s what his parents did, but if you think going to college would make cesar more mature ... ya wrong ! he’s still the same old ‘ i’m rich and i’m gonna do whatever—and whoever—the fuck i want ! ’ cesar that we know and love. wherever cesar goes, the party follows. he really just out there livin’ his best life

CONNECTIONS.

RIDE OR DIE ; ya boi’s got too many fake friends so gimme someone who would go to the ends of the earth for him, and for whom he would do the same

HOOK UPS ; this is ... self-explanatory, gimme all the different types of hook ups—was it a mutually beneficial fling ? did he love ‘em and leave ‘em ?

ENEMIES ; they probably hate him more than he hates them bc he thinks hating people is a waste of energy, but he’s also a petty bitch so like if they try him, he will bite back. bonus if there’s sexual tension thrown in bc ya girl does love a good hateship asdfhl

SQUAD ; i can’t believe i’m using that term in 2k19 but ... people who basically enable his ‘ live fast die young ’ lifestyle, not bc they’re shitty friends or anything, but just bc they’re all dumbasses who love chasing the thrill of instant gratification

RE: ROMANCE ; i don’t really have plans for cesar to be romantically involved with anyone, but i’m not opposed to it if it happens organically ! feel free to have crushes on him, although idky y’all would wanna do that bc it’ll probs be unrequited asdkfhl, but if you guys are into pain and suffering ... sure, why not ?

if you’re reading this ... congratulations ! you’ve made it through my rambling and i love you ! i would love to plot with everyone, so like this post if it’s mutual. or even better, just hop right into my tumblr messages, or hmu on discord at 𝕞𝕪 𝕟𝕚𝕡𝕡𝕝𝕖𝕤#9138 ! i’m probably asleep right now, but i promise i’ll reply as soon as i wake up.

#vandalsintro #↪︎ ❛ i have the power of god and anime on my side » ooc.

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wittywordsmithlostingray-blog · 7 years

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Random

It seems witches are replacing the mermaid craze in trend lemming chicks. All this bru-hahah! And oh, lemme insert this into a band name! It’s timeless! Y’ok! Suddenly the “Craft,” movie has a new following. It seems everyone is so pre-occupied in being someone else. Everyone, anyone seems like a better alternative, right?!

Oh, let me just pretend I’m a Dodo bird or any other extinct or mythical creature! Unicorns are the new snowflakes. Every upcycle on pop trends just irks me. When will it be “cool,” to care and be a kind human being?! When will people examine their lives and arrive at reasons for their being. It seems I walk next to a centaur fused with a platypus and whatever new item that raises people’s heads up from their phones. Oh but I don’t. People just push their version of, “shock value,” for a double take, a head turn, anything selfie-able to record somewhere in someone’s mind, how “unique,” they are. How about we go back to how common kindness should be !? Be unique in doing it! Make a twitter account for Kindness and create a crowd fund account and always pay into it!? That’s timeless! That’s sexy! So popularize it!

Today is Mexican Mother’s Day (5/10/17). I miss my Mom. We’ve had a conflictual relationship all my life but I think Menopause helped her to calm down somewhat. Today is the only day that I’m cool with chicks calling me a Mamacita (Hot girl who is not a Mother, it’s also said in other contexts but not today). My Mom put me in private school and what I take away from my Christian education is the missionary work. I really enjoyed helping to feed orphans in Tijuana and that’s where my kind (my tribe) of kind started. I later built homes in Americorps for Habitat for Humanity, feed the Homeless on my home front, made military care packages, tithed and raised money for underdeveloped countries and missionary scholarships. My Mom instilled in me that no matter how much you have, someone will always have less and to humble myself and be grateful for the clean water, electricity, food and miscellaneous add ons that I have.

I used to be into fashion and was very creative with textiles (my grandma was a seamstress and my uncle a fashion designer in L.A). I used to spend money frivolously on fine dining, clothes, technology and travel. I don’t really care about those things anymore. They lost their luster. I still see the appeal to it but I’m more transfixed on souls now. Being a Christian, we always strived to improve and be as “Christ like,” as possible. Now I see it as, the best version of ourselves, our highest good. I never like to ask for money but I was required to for a suicide prevention event I’m volunteering for. I put my goal at a meager $25 and two donors advanced me at reaching my goal at 240% I cried. I cried because I do not ask for help because I feel I have to be self sufficient and because people have let me down more times than my heart is willing to forget and then a stranger gives and a friend I am not close to. That friend was with me on the few times I wanted to commit suicide, myself so it just added to my flow of tears.

In just writing this, I am remembering how much God has blessed me and even though I feel victimized very often (latest is someone breaking into our rent drop box to steal resident checks and my co-worker reaching into my bag and stealing my medical gloves and grinching the gloves from their designated box), I need to remember that he has always stood in to protect me. Like clockwork, the moon lines up to my moon (my menses) and my emitted pheromones run very high. Past lovers contact me and guys (even from their cars) cat call and try their primitive mating tactics on me.

I had a blog here 4 years ago and I learned of nympho ninjas through here and well, tumblr is mainly used in that way now; for porn but that’s not what NN is. A friend from L.A had made mention that my hyperlink to my tumblr on my Instagram was broken and when was I going to re-activate it again? Since I’ve felt the need to get a lot off my bouncing Bust! I re-activated one. I didn’t think anyone but that friend who see this because IG is like a scroll of picture slideshow. I mean, who visits the page unless they want to add you?! Well, my old spirit guide did and was offended. He didn’t like me taking up tantra with someone new. I’ve had 2 tantric twins. Tantra transcendence is not something you go into, it calls you and it originally did not involve sexual involvement. You can’t carry it out with just anyone. I communicate with him in ESP like that handful of other individuals I have this ability with. I was upset at first because I felt like he was making my blog about him. I’m not writing to anyone. It’s dead air or space and I have typos and just write as fast as I think it. Still, I feel compelled to go to a different blog hosting site like word press or something. I’m censored on FB by my Mom and family. I can’t post just anything on IG bc I have my sister-in-law and some co-workers on there. I just wanted to have a platform where I could freely not be filtered. I’m kind of over Instagram now that everyone and their Mom is on there. I kind of liked it when I had it more to myself. I stumbled on, “Ello,” and I think I might dwell there instead. Sometimes going against the grain feels better. When too many have caught on to what you’ve been a part of for years, I just want to let it go, let them have it and start anew, somewhere else.

I feel a little weird with the amount of people from my past that I was in contact with today. I texted my ex husband after 7 months of no contact. It was refreshing that his response was as I expected. That guy always had a way of creating levity in darkness. I miss the me (not all aspects but, the merriment of our adventure back then) I was with him and I miss a few former flames often enough. I used to feel this way about my brothers when they took up partners but then they had children and now I don’t miss my childhood with them so much because it extended through their kids. My Mom said that she told my 3 y.o nephew that his tia (aunt) came to visit him. He didn’t register that she meant past tense so he roamed the halls shouting for me, looking around each bend. That melted my heart. I have immense, unconditional love for my twin nieces and nephew. To them, I am a fun, taller child who plays piano, takes them on park outings in the radio flyer, stacks lincoln logs and legos with them, plays hide and go seek (under their game changer rules). I do these activities with them but even in stillness when they rest on my lap and I read or when they eat in their high chair and I feed, they stop and look at me and smile. They see my soul and they are tender in a hiccup laugh that follows. Their little hands reach for mine because they think they’re the strongest, they look at me and think I’m perfect, that I’m important and they see my arms as strong enough to hold them but gentle enough to sway their discomfort away. They see in me what I don’t see in myself and still I gravitate toward them, not for the appraisal within those actions, but because I love them for no reason and they love me without reason. Neither of us have to, we just do.

The Disney, “Dumbo,” clip, “Baby Mine,” song always makes me a blubbering mess over it. Since first viewing it, at 4, the Circus was not something I wanted to patronize and my affinity of elephants expanded from there. I used to have an ele-friend. I don’t now. I just realized how therapeutic these entries have been. It’s as if I’ve fast tracked my suffocated down tears to flow again. I think I’ve cried at some point with every entry. For some reason, this medium is where I’m being called to be in and since I don’t want to offend people, I will vacate premise and take up a new home (undisclosed) but I just need to keep doing this. I need to keep writing from my soul. It recalibrates me. For these, I’m not a grammar girl, my run ons and inappropriate placements of punctuation and typos go, anything goes! I’m not a victim of “Forced PC,” here. I can accept my thoughts as I read them and that’s the only affirmation and validation I need. This is a film projector for me and the reel is my writing. Here, I am me and readers don’t have to like it, they can back off my blog. It’s not that I’m bullied to leave. I think I may be exposing myself too much if people I know really are visiting this. They don’t know these thought patterns or sides to me. I don’t owe anything to my old spirit guide. Maybe it’s because I’m tired or (insert whatever other speculation here) but I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I’m not saying “No more nice girl,” or no to being nice. That stays. I’m saying that I don’t care anymore. To the person who texted me that has this link, No! I don’t want to fuck you! It’s been a year and 1/2 and it was once and it was not what I had in mind. You: “What happened to our friendship and love?” “I miss going out for Rocky Road ice cream at 2 am!” Me: “You were more of an acquaintance, there was no love.” I pined for you 3 years before that and you were, “too cool,” and then through the course of time, I realized who you were and was turned off. You’re 24! Just go away!

I don’t read these intrapsychic interferences like a radar, more like an EKG that I want to go flatline. To Daniel Son, DAAAAMMMNNN Daniel! I don’t have to know where I stand with you and vice versa. It doesn’t matter anymore. There was a lot of destruction that can’t be undone and I don’t have energy for trying anything with anyone anymore. My time is my own. I don’t even have energy for the last person I loved. The only thing I show up for now are my nieces and nephews. Even though they’re energy consumers, they synergistically give me life. We mutually enliven each other. That’s the only love concerning me right now (not that it’s any of your business). I don’t owe you an explanation but there is one that’s beyond your interpretation. I’m not boy crazy. I can say I miss my past but I don’t carve out time for it in my present. I move in upward strokes like the salmon. I write about it because it lessens the experience that it was and I let go more and more, each time. I welcome in the new positivity that will take over and I rid of past strife.

Yeah, I’m not a fan of lurkers, stalkers, trolls and voyeurs and in just knowing there’s an audience, it creates this bias, as if I’m writing for a show. “On the next season of Melissa’s life...” Yeah, fuck that noise! I’m not a bitch, I might be numb and apathy might be setting in but I think I need to remain in that state for a while. I feel too intensely that it burns out. I live between the polarity of loving/caring too much and just not giving a fuck. I don’t have a middle ground right now. I’m a little scattered and kind of secretly wish that Scooby Doo Fred would give me a hug and haunt me again. He was the last person I was with that felt to the same intensity and frequency, what I did but the hug would be more for him. I’m not boy crazy, I just feel small sometimes in the vast infinity continuum that is my head. I don’t have the headspace for half the shit that tools around in there and half less the heart space for it. Because of this, sometimes my heart time travels to bookmarks, saving the place where I was held and felt safe and saw them as perfect.

My heart is cold like an ice cave, the arteries stalagmites. My feelings are frostbitten. I am making this period of time what I need it to be for me. I will unlearn, like the magic of oxytocin allows. I will live out goals from my heart center (love list). My days are great but more will fuse on and in plural, they will be great again. When I am open, I will love again and my soulmate will be as ready for me as I him. There is a voice in me that hears all the collective compliments I’ve received on my eloquence in writing, my skill at it and in a small way, it make me feel big.

Love is fluid. My friend told me today, “I need to fully love myself!” I replied, “I don’t think that’s a thing, I mean you can’t be yourself 24/7 and your needs change and you adapt to the wave forecast that is the ocean of life!” She wrote back, “Oh, that’s true!” I don’t know if anyone is fully themselves at any given time, given our influences. I just feel that we do have an authentic self and an ideal self and we tend to overlap the two in balance but more commonly live in one domain and it’s usually the “ideal self,” (this is not who you are but who you project yourself to be, some traits can carry over but it’s not really you). The authentic self is something every philosopher and abstract thinker has pondered on. Ben Franklin says, “There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond and to know one’s self.”

I like the girl on her bike, she’s badass, I like the girl with the cat, Neechee, the girl who takes on challenges and new adventures, the girl who pays into her health through many fields and avenues, the girl who loves wholeheartedly, even with the risk of non reciprocation. I love the girl in me who is a feminist and brave the boys in ways most girls don’t step up to. I love the girl in me who feels energies and can measure aura’s and determine whether the person is spirit decayed. I love the bookworm girl who sways on her hammock with a page turner and is transported there, bringing life to the text. I love the girl who is a woman but feels mostly like a girl because she is playful, witty, funny and kind with that girl like innocence. I love the woman in me that can be a woman but also an archer and tap into my divine femininity. I love the hips that can gyrate into figure eights and undulate in belly dance. I love my legs that choreograph my steps and out dance the floor mass, I love my arms that extend warm embraces and contain. I love the lips that feel around taste like a blind man in the dark and land on bliss. I love my kaleidoscope eyes that can transfix on fire and subdue men. I love my sexual parts too. I love my sensitive breasts that comfort with their volume and surrender to stimulation. I love my bowed bottom that is positioned below my Aphrodite dimples. I love my dendrite, pulse point and erogenous zones. I love me on a cellular level, not all the time and not all at once but in this roll call, I see the snapshot and I do love me from the inside out and I keep this in mind daily. I may not fully love myself because I don’t think one can fully know one self but I’m working on continuing as a love luminary and knowing that I can be all these adjectives and more but when I can love myself for no reason, perhaps I have loved fully.

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