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wonderfulworldofmichaelford · 4 years

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Psycho Analysis: Fu Manchu

(WARNING! This analysis contains DISCUSSIONS OF OUTDATED RACIST STEREOTYPES! This analysis does not support or condone such things whatsoever and merely is here to analyze the cultural impact of the character!)

"Imagine a person, tall, lean, and feline, high-shouldered, with a brow like Shakespeare and a face like Satan, a close-shaven skull, and long, magnetic eyes of the true cat-green. Invest him with all the cruel cunning of an entire Eastern race, accumulated in one giant intellect, with all the resources, if you will, of a wealthy government—which, however, already has denied all knowledge of his existence. Imagine that awful being, and you have a mental picture of Dr. Fu-Manchu, the yellow peril incarnate in one man."

— The Mystery of Dr. Fu-Manchu (1913)

I think it really goes without saying that the late 19th century and early 20th century were deeply, incredibly racist. One such manifestation of the racism and xenophobia of the times was the villainous archetype known as the Yellow Peril. The so-called “Yellow Peril” is a caricature of eastern cultures, portrayed in a villainous light; the characters are diabolical criminal masterminds who tend to be geniuses, know kung fu, have mystical powers, command barbarian hordes, and dress like the most stereotypical dynastic noble you could imagine. Just think of every single cringeworthy Asian stereotype you can imagine, stuff it into one villainous package, and BOOM! You have yourself a Yellow Peril villain.

You’ve most definitely seen villains that fit some semblance of this trope. Lo Pan of Big Trouble in Little China and Long Feng from Avatar: The Last Airbender are notable examples (and ones that aren’t particularly problematic, as their works don’t rely on some white guy saving the day and instead have Asian heroes). But we’re not here to talk about them, oh no – we’re here to talk about the grandaddy of them all, the villain who codified the idea of a Yellow Peril villain to such… er, for lack of a better word, “perfection,” that even though he has somewhat faded from the public consciousness he has managed to continue inspiring villains up until the present day: Fu Manchu.

While not the first Yellow Peril villain, he is pretty much the face of it. He is what comes to mind when you envision such a villain, which may be because his cultural impact runs so deep – characters such as Batman’s nemesis Ra’s al-Ghul, the Iron Man foe The Mandarin, and James Bond baddie Doctor No among many others all draw inspiration from this legendary Devil Doctor. So what exactly is his deal that has made him such a problematic icon?

Motivation/Goals: So Fu Manchu’s goals started with him being a Chinese nationalist but eventually he moved into your standard world domination, with him developing over time into becoming a sort of noble criminal, a diabolical mastermind with some level of ethics, class, and standards; the man sent his nemesis gifts on his wedding day and always stuck to his word. This doesn’t seem like much now, but you gotta remember, this guy was one of the first big literary supervillains; you’ve gotta cut him a little slack.

Performance: So it is time to discuss the elephant in the room… not once in his long and storied history in film has Fu Manchu been portrayed by an actor of Chinese, Japanese, Korean, or Indian descent. Fu Manchu has always, always been portrayed by the worst possible option in every single case: a white guy in yellow face. Christopher Lee is perhaps the most well-known white man to play him in a serious work, portraying him in a series of films, though Boris Karloff portrayed him as well.

Peter Sellers portrayed Fu in his last major cinematic appearance, though unlike most other examples that film – The Fiendish Plot of Dr. Fu Manchu – was a parody, which does at least take away a little bit of the bad taste.

The only valid white man portrayal is, of course, from the fake trailer for Werewolf Women of the S.S. As said fake trailer is a ridiculous sendup of exploitation films and trashy cinema in general, the inclusion of a white man playing the fiendish doctor is pretty much part of the joke – but it’s who they got that’s the real treat. We’ll get to that shortly, but before that…

It is honestly really disgusting that in the long history of this character, he has never once been portrayed by an Asian actor. You’d think at some point that someone might at least just cast any sort of Asian due to the unfortunate tendency to view Asian actors as interchangeable, but they couldn’t even do that.

Final Fate: Fu Manchu is notable because he always gets away, even if his plans are foiled; in fact, he’ll sometimes have plans within plans, so even when he loses, he still wins to some degree. But enough about his in-universe fate; let’s talk about the real world fate of the character, where Fu Manchu has a very odd legal status in terms of public domain.

While the first three books are in the public domain, some characters from later books are not considered part of the public domain, which has lead to situations such as Marvel’s Master of Kung Fu not being able to be reprinted for years. On top of this, as the character’s creator Sax Rohmer died in 1959, Fu Manchu is not in the public domain in Europe; this has led to him appearing but not being directly named in Alan Moore’s The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, where he is only referred to as “The Doctor” (amusingly, he goes up against Moriarty in that comic, the character he draws inspiration from).

Best Scene: In what is one of the very few non-offensive uses of the character, Fu Manchu is given a brief cameo in the trailer for Werewolf Women of the S.S. that shows up in the Rodriguez/Tarantino double feature Grindhouse, and he’s played by… well… just watch:

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Final Thoughts & Score: Fu Manchu is an absolutely fascinating villain born out of incredibly problematic places.

There is absolutely no denying that Fu Manchu was created from a deeply racist place. It’s an unavoidable fact. There is no getting around it. Fu Manchu as a character was meant to demonize the Chinese, to the point where production of films based on him as well as the novels was halted in times of war when the Chinese were allies. These books, these stories, are all extremely problematic by the standards of today.

But with that being said… who, exactly, is the title character? Do you know, without looking it up, who the hero who Fu Manchu antagonizes is, the Holmes to his Moriarty? This is Fu Manchu’s series, and throughout it he projects an air of intelligence, sophistication, and even honor that you wouldn’t expect would be afforded to a character such as him. As far as racist propaganda goes, an extremely charitable person could be able to call this “progressive” in some regard. Positive discrimination is a step up from regular discrimination, right? Again, there’s really no getting around the glaring problems with the character and his origins, but the fact Fu Manchu is one of the first supercriminals in literature and manages to just be unflinchingly cool to the point where you’ll probably end up rooting for him over the bland white protagonists says something for how utterly racism fails when it manages to make the object of its derision infinitely cooler than the race it’s trying to prop up as superior.

By my own criteria, Fu Manchu could only be an 11/10. I can’t deny how much of an impact, for better or for worse, the fiendish doctor has had on pop culture, to the point where he gave his name to and subsequently killed off a variety of facial hair, a feat only matched by Hitler. But this comes with a disclaimer: I cannot stress enough that Fu Manchu is deeply and inherently problematic on a conceptual level, and that despite how genuinely cool and fascinating he is in the right hands it doesn’t and cannot erase that his original purpose was to demonize the Chinese and Asian cultures. He also managed to help perpetuate yellowface and helped to popularize cliches that have plagued Asian villains to this day. While many in his wake have still managed to be cool and engaging in their own right, it really cannot be said how this character has a very complex history. Has he done more bad than good? That’s not for a white guy like me to determine; I’m merely here to determine the overall quality of the villain and determine their impact, and Fu Manchu undeniably has impacted culture. It would be wrong and disingenuous to break my own rules to give him a lower rating due to his problematic elements, but at the same time I cannot sit here and pretend they do not exist.

I would love to see the day where Fu Manchu can be reclaimed to some extent. Look at Shang-Chi, for example; the (at this time) upcoming Marvel film is set to feature the Fu Manchu-inspired Mandarin as a major character, and he is set to be played by Tony Leung Chiu-wai, a Hong Kong actor. If one of the characters inspired by him can get portrayed by an Asian actor, perhaps someday in the future Fu Manchu can be reclaimed from his racist origins and given the respectful treatment he deserves. Fu Manchu is a character that is in many ways accidentally incredible and iconic. Born from horrendous racism, and yet the racist screeds depicting him always somehow manage to prop him up as the best character in the lot… it’s the paradox of racist thought, to go so far in demonizing their target they manage to make them more interesting and engaging than the generic protagonists. Fu Manchu is a truly great villain mired in the problems of the time he was created; in the right hands, great work could be done with him.

Bottom line is: Rob Zombie, get Nicolas Cage on the phone and start filming Werewolf Women of the S.S.

#Psycho Analysis #Fu Manchu #racism #yellow peril #racism against asians #racism against chinese #cw: racism

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manifestoonmoralmanlove · 5 years

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Gormless Ch. 13 – Everything’s awful but lesbians are in fact REAL

A well-meaning friend gave me a book series that is hilariously bad. The first book was Souless and my riffs were entitled brainless. This second book is entitled Changless and these riff are then gormless.

I mean to say I have entitled them gormless! Not that my riffs are dumb, and the effort I spend on them stupid since I’m the only one who enjoys them. HAHA!

The story is SUPPOSED TO be about how a badass lady wearing a rad-looking carriage dress hits baddies with her umbrella and bangs her hot werewolf husband. In reality it’s mostly poor attempts at being witty, flirty, and superior.

For the last book check out the brainless tag.

If you want the TL;DR version but want to read these new riffs anyway?

This story is set in supernatural Victorian steampunk England. Alexia is our NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS protag. She is a soulless, which means she’s able to negate the abilities of vampires and werewolves by touching them. She’s recently married a big oaf, named Lord Connel Maccon. He’s the manchild in charge of the supernatural police with a zillion dollars and he’s totes super hot too ok. Their relationship is mostly arguments about how Maccon can’t tell her fucking anything. Alexia has also recently become head of ~Soulless affairs~ in Queen Victoria’s government. She has a dumb friend named Ivy, a gay vampire friend named Akeldama, a family who’s evil because they do the same shit as her but while being blonde, and most importantly Alexia is better than everyone cause…cause.

Last time on Gormless:

Turns out a preserved corpse of a Soulless person that the Kingair pack stole from Egypt is causing the humanization problem. However somebody is after that coprse, and knocked LeFoux and Lord Maccon unconscious. Alexia gonna have to fix everything herself HURMPH!

Chapter 13 – Everything’s awful but lesbians are in fact REAL

Wowzers! Here’s the climax chapter. It won’t be the height of tension, but it will be the height of my irritated confusion. My apologies for length, it was a long chapter, and full of a lot of bullshit. LET’S GO!

We get a rare good moment where Alexia looks at the passed out Maccon and worries about him. She makes a cute note about how his eyelashes are super long and once when she commented that she was jealous of his long eyelashes he tickled her neck with them. This will be the last genuinely good thing in this chapter.

Alexia goes to a recently woken up LeFoux. LeFoux is all distraught, and there’s a bullshit line about how being upset made her look slightly more feminine and Alexia, “Didn’t know if she liked that.”

CAUSE SADNESS IS A WOMAN DISEASE AND ALEXIA ONLY CARES WHAT LEVEL OF CURRENT FUCKIBLITY YOU ARE! THE LEVEL OF EGOMANIA ON THIS BITCH!

LeFoux is like, “Hey don’t be mad at the woman who shot me and your husband. She didn’t ~mean~ it.”

YES TURNS OUT THE BIG BAD OF THIS BOOK SERIES I FUCKING CALLED BACK IN CHAPTER 4 OF THE LAST BOOK! It was Angelique! GOSH WHAT A FUCKING TWIST! YOU KNOW THE CHARACTER WHO, AT THE END OF THE LAST BOOK WAS DESCRIBED IN TEXT AS A BLATANT SPY! Yet the entirety of this book Alexia thinks its LeFoux and goes so far as to think she’s faking being shot? She turns out of the room and all the werewolves are sleeping and instead of…I DON’T KNOW letting them know she’s identified the attacker? She just huffs that she must do everything herself.

GOD STUPIDITY AND A POINTLESS MARTYR COMPLEX IS REALLY FUCKING HOT! ALSO I’M GLAD THAT EVERY SINGLE WEREWOLF FELT COMFORTABLE FALLING ASLEEP WITH AN ACTIVE SHOOTER IN THEIR CASTLE THAT WAS EVEN ABLE TO PUT DOWN THEIR FORMER ALPHA!

So Alexia goes to the room where the mummy is, but Angelique is not there. So instead of disposing of the body that Angelique is clearly after, she’s runs up to the Aethongrapher room. Angelique is there and shoves her aside to escape the room. So they go back to the mummy room, and Angelique is trying to drag the body out of there. Alexia goes to shoot some of her sleepy darts at Angelique but just as she’s about to Ivy shows up to stand in front of Alexia and whine that Alexia is being callous to her. But as I have described before, this is not Ivy’s fault. Ivy’s kink is inconvenient timing. Blithering obtusely in front of a weapon while the bad guy gets away makes her CUM. The TV hasn’t been invented yet so she can’t stand in front of it during a crucial part of a show/game. SHE HAS TO FIND SOME WAY TO GET OFF!

DO YOU WANT THIS WOMAN TO NEVER ORGASM!?

Despite that Alexia is able to catch up to Angelique and knocks her unconscious with a hefty umbrella swing. She takes the mummy outside, and dissolves it using the acid function on her umbrella. I mean, I was hoping she’d go whole hog and it would come to life and fight them but WELP guess that would be stupid fun and we’re only allowed one of those things in this book and it ain’t fun. When the corpse is just about pudding, Alexia goes back in and hears Ivy scream.

OH NO!

We take a break from this regularly scheduled programming to swap over to Biffy, Channing, and Lyall at the Westminster Hive. Biffy apparently snuck in and broke their Aethonographer. This is just to let us all know that the message Angelique tried to send before didn’t get through. I mean targeting the Aethongrapher only, doesn’t make any sense AT ALL from their perspective and honestly you could have written the entire thing out to tighten up the story. But like I guess it was real important to have that bit where Alexia has to try 2 rooms to find Angelique.

FUCK ME RUNNING!

So Ivy screamed because a woken up Angelique puts a knife to Ivy’s throat and is leading her up the stairs. All the werewolves are there as well as Tunstell. Tunstell gets out the magic gun, which by the way they start calling the ‘tun tun’ which makes a lot of sense and is totes keeping it tense. Shouldn’t it be the tun gun? WHATEVER!

They go up to a room and Angelique makes Ivy open a window. Meanwhile Tunstell tries to sneak around the side while Alexia tries to distract her. By the way this is the first time we hear that Tunstell is apparently a big dude. I had totally assumed that since he was described as a meek servant/actor coated in freckles that he was a 5’5” adorable waif boy who weighs 110 lbs on a good day. I’m glad you waited till now to tell us that. After a bit of a scuffle Tunstell wrestles the knife away, saves Ivy, and Angelique tumbles to her death out the window. The gun is never shot and Chekov leaps out to die on the cold hard Scottish earth like Angelique.

Apparently there was a rope ladder leading down that window that Angelique was really hoping she’d be able to escape down, with the knife to the throat of a hostage? OKAY THEN! When Angelique woke up, why didn’t she just try to make a break for it, to avoid being persecuted by the supernatural police? What was the point of the hostage thing? Why did she have this rope ladder prepared?

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST BOOK! IT’S NOT GOOD ACTION IF THE ENTIRETY OF IT FALLS APART LIKE A BISCUIT IN TEA WHEN YOU ASK LITERALLY ANY QUESTION REGARDING IT!

You know what would have been a thousand times better? If Alexia goes to question a recently recovered Angelique, and Angelique in a panic puts a knife to a dipshit Ivy’s throat by a window. Angelique demands to be given the body. Alexia explains that she destroyed it. Angelique at first doesn’t want to believe it but eventually concedes. Saying something along the lines of, “…If I can’t deliver the body…then…then they’ll kill me…” The people there try to reassure her that they can protect her. However in Angelique’s stunned grief she slips from the window, Tunstell is able to grab Ivy but not Angelique. Was it an accident? Did she want to die on her own terms? WE’LL NEVER KNOW? The chapter ends where the crowd goes to check on her and Angelique is FOR SURE dead. LeFoux seeing the shattered body of her former lover, clutches Alexia and wails.

BUT NOPE IN FACT THIS HAPPENS NEXT!

So Alexia is the only one to go check the body. Angelique is in fact dead, but turns into a ghost. Angelique tells Alexia to perform the exorcism, which means kill her for real real. Alexia wants questions answered first. Angelique says she’ll answer 10, Alexia agrees to this.

So like…why are you going to respect her wishes now? Doesn’t she need to be persecuted under the law, or have proof of the Hive’s wrongdoing? You maybe want to give LeFoux a chance to talk to her, since she was obviously really upset and protective of her before? GUESS NOT!

Angelique, before the questioning is revealed to have done this whole task for the immortality, since she previously and is still working with the Westminster hive. She is GIVEN immortality in the form of being a ghost and is immediately like NOPE I’D RATHER DIE. HUHHHH? MAYBE IT’S NOT IDEAL VAMPIRE THING BUT REALLY?

GOD WHATEVER IT JUST GETS WORSE ANYWAY!

Angelique says that it wasn’t her who tried to break into her bag or poison her. Alexia asks if LeFoux is trying to kill her, Angelique says probably not cause you’d already be dead. AND LIKE WE ESTABLISHED THIS EXACT ANSWER TO THIS SAME QUESTION BEFORE. WHY ARE YOU WASTING YOUR QUESTIONS YOU COMPLETE IMBECILE!

It’s revealed that Quensel, the kid LeFoux was taking poor care of before, is Angelique’s son. Angelique was trying to hide the fact she had a son from the vampires cause the vampires won’t turn her if she has any family. Apparently LeFoux, was trying to get Angelique to take care of her son and to stop the vampire biz by threatening to tell the Vampires about her son. That didn’t work apparently. We also confirm that yes, SHOCK OF SHOCK, Angelique and LeFoux used to be an item for many years. So we have this OH SO DELIGHTFUL paragraph:

“Alexia had seen something of the kind in her father’s collection, but she had never imagined it might be based on anything more than masculine wistfulness or performances put on to titillate a John’s palate. That two women might do such things voluntarily with one another and do so with some degree of romantic love. Was that possible?”

(Irritated Stare with the phrase [stares in gay judgement])

You’re 26 years fucking old, you’re well aware that gay men exist, LeFoux has been hitting on her blatantly this entire book and has been pretty much screaming how much of a lesbian she is. Like you can have Alexia in bi-denial, sure, but for her not to even realize two girls can have sex and romance at one another outside of men JACKING IT!? FUCKING WOW! I want to be clear and say that there is a myth that Queen Victoria didn’t think lesbians were real when she was enforcing the no homosexuality laws. TO BE CLEAR THAT IS A MYTH! PEOPLE IN VICTORIAN TIMES KNEW LESBIANS WEREN’T JUST A MALE CREATED HORNY MYTH LIKE HOW WOMEN LOVE THE TASTE OF JIZZ, YOU THICK-HEADED TWIT!

The last questions that Alexia asks basically are, “Is it possible for women to love each other?” and “You’re a cold bitch aren’t you?” QUEEN PICKED TOP INVESTIGATOR HERE! She then FOR REAL kills Angelique. Also I’m glad she didn’t ask Angelique what they were planning on doing with the humanization corpse, because that mystery is probably what the entirety of the 3rd book is about.

So we head back in the castle to try to wrap this all up, and boy is it pointlessly messy. I’m going to recount the items in order, so you TOO can realize what a clusterfuck this is.

Alexia tells LeFoux that Angelique is dead which makes LeFoux cry. Alexia has a normal human response to seeing a woman she likes grieving.

“Lady Maccon envied her skill of crying with aplomb. She herself went all over splotchy, but Madame Lefoux seemed to be able to execute the emotional state with minimal fuss.”

By performing some pretty sweet mental gymnastics to make it about herself. CONGRATULATIONS! She does later say that the scene was painfully sad…but…your first thought, and the one you dedicate more than a sentence to is… “I wish I could cry as hot as she could?” MOTHER OF FUCK LADY!

Maccon takes Alexia aside and explains that LeFoux and he are besties despite not interacting with her at all this entire book. He told his BFF4EVAH to keep an eye on Alexia. Don’t know why he would have lied about this? Maybe Alexia would have felt patronized? Alexia was attacked 5 times last book and needed to be saved 3 of those times. There’s nothing wrong with that ratio, but there’s also nothing wrong with wanting to have back up if you’re in a dangerous profession. Besides that the two both love science and gadgets, and if he couldn’t predict that LeFoux would awaken his wife’s bisexuality too, it seems silly to lie to her about it.

But my pity for Alexia runs dry again when, upon hearing Maccon and LeFoux are buds…she accuses Maccon of sleeping with LeFoux. And it’s like…

(Honestly, you people, and by that I mean straight people…are ridiculous.)

If Alexia is bi, it don’t matter she’s still in denial and acting like a straight up straighty.

You just found out that lesbians are real and that LeFoux is one of them, and YOU were the one to almost cheat on him with her, and you ACCUSE HIM? Are you FOR REAL!? I mean this is just a set up for Alexia to realize SOME MORE that lesbians are real. I’m glad I’m reading one of those books where everything needs to be explained 5 times.

Alexia brings up the fact that Angelique turned into a ghost but exorcised her right away without considering if literally anybody else wanted to talk to her INCLUDING THE LONG-TERM –EX-GIRLFRIEND WHO WAS RAISING HER KID. LeFoux is rightly upset at this and Alexia retorts with

“There’s no need to wallow.”

Now even Lord Maccon steps in like, “THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, SHE’S RIGHTLY UPSET!” To which Aleixa points out OH SO RIGHTLY that LeFoux didn’t want to be girlfriends with Angelique again, so like…it makes no sense why she’d want to have some parting words or care about her living or dying.

THEN THIS TRANSITION SHEESH VERBATIM:

Lord Maccon looked at his wife appreciatively. “Good Lord, woman, how could you have possibly known that?”

“Well” – Lady Maccon grinned – “Madame Lefoux here did play a bit of the coquette with me while we were traveling. I do not think she was entirely shamming.”

I’m sorry what? We already established that LeFoux is a vagatrian and had a relationship with Angelique. Is she saying the fact she was flirted with PROOF that LeFoux is not in a relationship? Alexia, you were flirting back and you’re married. This is not a brilliant deduction. We only have this transition so that Alexia can brag about almost BUT NOT ACTUALLY cheating on her husband. And like…it’s one thing to take the piss out of him because he’s irrationally jealous. However Alexia herself was like REALLY, REALLY irrationally jealous a second ago and it’s not really irrational since Alexia might have had sex with her if she came to the conclusion earlier that girls can like other girls. SoOOoOOoOOoo great!

We continue to have pissing contests. Maccon is mad that Alexia never told him she was almost poisoned, even though you’d THINK Tunstell would have brought that up to him since he’s his servant and he was the one actually poisoned. LeFoux admits she was looking around for Alexia’s bag and that she wanted the humanization weapon too. However she wants it NOT because she’s in the Hypocras club, but in the Organization of the Brass Octopus (OBO.) The Organization of the Brass Octopus is a secret group of Scientists that is working to curb the power of Supernaturals and that the Hypocras Club was a ~militant branch~ of the OBO. Alexia is bothered that Maccon didn’t tell her about OBO, since YANNO Alexia spent half the book thinking that her crush LeFoux wanted to genocide people like her husband. Which yanno REALLY STOPPED HER FROM A LOT THERE! Alexia tries to ask more questions about OBO and Maccon just answers them all with, “But it’s a secret!”

Really love that Maccon gets super mad when Alexia doesn’t talk to him, but when she asks questions he huffs and won’t tell her. You could maybe argue that since it’s a secret society thing that Maccon shouldn’t tell her. He was sworn to secrecy or some shit. But like also…a branch of this club nearly killed them both… and she’s in charge of the entire English government’s Supernatural balance system….Maybe it’s okay for her to know a little about a powerful organization in that country that’s supposed to do the same thing?

WHATEVER!

We end with LeFoux admitting she was LOOKING FOR Alexia’s bag but never went through it or messed up her room to find it. Alexia for once has a normal reaction which boils down to, “FUCK THIS SHIT!” and storms out. CAUSE WHY BRING UP SHE WAS LOOKING FOR IT AT ALL? That is pointlessly confusing.

So below I made a little chart with how easily it could have been to make this conversation flow better. Even if you want to keep in jealousy pissing contest which is also an EVEN WOMEN WOULD SEX ME STUPID HUSBAND!

I’ll admit I don’t know a lot about editing books…but I feel as if either the editors gave this a soft touch. It seems like a simple fix that could have tightened it up and made it an easier read.

Say something nice Faps:

It was technically a climax

They technically tried to wrap things up

It has been acknowledged that yes LESBIANS ARE REAL

I did genuinely like Alexia having a vulnerable moment looking upon her knocked out husband and feeling protective of him.

#gormless #senseless #riffs #riffing

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jelixpo · 5 years

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K I had this idea earlier for a movie and honestly if i had like 100,000 just lying around i would absolutely make it

So it’d play out like every other action comedy ever. Like, the team of 3 dudes and 1 girl, all running from the government and blowing shit up cause they want to, fighting the other huge crime lords and fucking their shit up. Liam Neason would have a cameo, as would Morgan Freeman. In the group you got the computer guy, the gun girl, the slightly sexist idiot dude, the main guy’s best bud, and the main dude himself, who is your usual buff, 6ft dude who cracks jokes at good times and always has the one-liners. You know, the usual.

So the main dude of the group is married and has like 3 kids. The catch is that no one has ever seen or knows who the hell his family is, not even the people on his team. So of course all these huge crime lords are looking fucking everywhere they can to find this guy’s wife and use her as bait. And every time they find some lady with kids and kidnap her and contact the main dude about it, he’s like “you got the wrong lady, but i’mma save her anyway” cause he’s a good dude and he always keeps his cool. But like, these crime lords can never figure out how the fuck this dude just knows they don’t have his wife. Like, without even giving him the chance to talk to her, he just knows it’s not his wife.

All these crime lords hate this group so much that they put aside their feuds and problems to team up together to take this group down. A couple years after these crime lords join together, one of the crime lords retires, and his daughter takes his place in the group. The lady is basically the main dude’s equal in every way. Strength, smarts, dialect, you name it. They’re absolute equals. All the other crime lords kinda brush this lady of cause she’s a woman, that is until she proposes an idea. The audience won’t know what idea she proposes, but it’ll just show that the other crime lords get super intrigued and curious.

So the group is on a mission that keeps them away from their main hideout for a couple days, maybe a week and a half. But when they get to the place where shit is supposedly supposed to go down, there’s no baddies in sight. This is what usually happens when someone tries to kidnap the main guy’s wife. Nothing out of the ordinary, so the group goes back home, joking about what poor woman these crime lords have got now. So they get back to their hideout, and 5 minutes after they walk through the door, their phone rings. The girl from the group goes and picks up the phone and puts it on speaker so they can all listen to this crime lord spew bullshit. The main dude walks over into the corner of the hideout, grabbing himself a drink or whatever.

On the other end of the phone is the crime lady, talking very calm and shit. Since the group hasn’t ever heard her voice before, they jokingly introduce themselves and the crime lady does the same. She addresses the main dude and says she’s got someone very important to him. Of course the group starts cracking jokes, making fun of her for thinking she could be the one to find the main dude’s wife after all this time. The crime lady says that she doesn’t have his wife. In fact, she never even looked for the dude’s wife. But she did find his husband. The group laughs, and the girl from the group makes an off-handed comment about how this crime lady doesn’t really know the main dude if she thinks he’s gay. As the girl said this, she looks over at the main dude for amused approval.

Main dude is stone cold, white-faced. Looks fucking petrified, like he’s gonna be sick. The whole group stops laughing and it’s silent for a second. You can hear the crime lady chuckle on the other end of the phone, before jokingly asking the main dude if she has the right husband. Main dude swallows for a second, then tries to make a joke about how this lady probably has the wrong guy. You can hear paper shuffling on the end of the phone, before you hear the crime lady read off the full name of another man, middle name and all, then gives a basic description of what the guy looks like. The main dude is fucking shaking now, he doesn’t reply. The lady gives off some specific coordinates, a time, and a date, before immediately hanging up.

The group is silent for a minute, before the idiot guy asks the main dude if he’s actually gay. Main dude, who has been cool and collected up to this point, is stuttering and tripping over his words and shaking like a leaf. The buddy takes main dude outside to help calm him down and talk to him. After the main dude calms down, the group makes a plan for what to do.

When the group is making their way to the location the crime lady said, main dude gets a call one late night at camp. He sneaks away to answer it, and it’s the crime lady again. Main dude is pissed but tries to keep his cool while talking to the lady. Crime lady tells the dude that he needs to find a way to make his group split up. Main dude said absolutely fucking not, so the crime lady on the other end gives some sort of command before you hear the main dude’s husband scream over the phone. The main dude is scared shitless and doesn’t know what to say. The crime lady gives the dude the command again, that he is to split up from the group before making it to the first location she had specified and she gives him a second location that he is to meet her at alone. Before she hangs up again, the crime lady makes a point of informing the main dude that she has baddies stationed all around his group and that for every mistake he makes or for every delay of time, she’s gonna fuck up his husband. Crime lady hangs up and the main dude is just left there to deal with his thoughts. He eventually makes his way back to camp and, when the group asks why he looks so down, he just makes some comment about being tired and goes to bed.

Idk this could be artistic liberty stuff here. Blah blah blah, action action action.

So when they’re finally about an hour from arriving at their final destination, the main dude says he’s gonna take a detour and ambush the enemy from behind while the rest of the group go on ahead. The group is sceptical but agree to do it anyway. The main dude heads to the place where the crime lady told him to go and finally meets the lady face to face. Crime lady tries to make light banter but main dude doesn’t respond. Crime lady doesn’t really give a shit, cause she’s smug and knows she’s won. She gives a hand signal and a car pulls up behind her. One of the baddies opens the car door and yanks out main guy’s husband who’s in handcuffs. You can see a couple bruises and cuts on his body, with some dark circles under his eyes. Main dude tries to step towards him but crime lady trips him and forces him onto his knees. Crime lady raddles off about being a respectable woman and keeping her word, meaning that the husband would go free. Crime lady steps behind main dude and points a gun right at the back of his head. The husband tries to run to him, but he’s being held so he can’t. Main dude looks up at his husband and keeps a calm face, reminding his husband that he had promised at some point to always keep him safe. His husband looks sad cause he knows what’s about to happen, but he smiles anyway, telling the main dude that he did keep him safe.

Just as main dude is about to be shot, he notices some figures darting around in the shadows. Familiar figures. He realizes what’s going on but keeps his act up. The crime lady asks him if he has any last words. Main dude chuckles and asks the crime lady if she remembered to lock the doors. Crime lady loses her smug air around her just as the group ambushes her and her men. Majority of her men are gunned down before they can even realise it and crime lady is held at gunpoint and forced to drop her weapon. The idiot guy goes over and frees the husband, allowing him and the main dude to finally embrace and give some cheesy one-liners like “told you i’d always protect you” or something like that. The group is holding the crime lady and asks what the main dude wants to do with her. Main dude walks over to her all smug, but instead of insulting her, he comments how equal they are and genuinely compliments her on it. Crime lady keeps her cold demeanour but agrees with main dude, they are equals. However, main dude does point out one difference between the two of them tho. She’s much more sinister than he could ever try to be, something crime lady takes as a compliment. Main dude makes some gesture to his group and suddenly crime lady is knocked out. When she wakes back up, she’s still in the same location and unharmed, but there’s a gift basket in front of her. It’s from the group, with a card saying “welcome to the business” or something like that.

Cut to the group driving together in a big van with the main dude and his husband all cuddled up together in the back. They’re shooting the shit, talking about how they can finally rest for a while, given that the crime lords most likely won’t come after them for a while. The idiot guy starts asking stupid questions about the main dude being gay, and the group just starts groaning unison and giving him shit for it. The final shot is just them driving into the sunset or something cheesy like that.

basically, what i’m saying is, i just want every action movie ever, but gay

#writing #some writings or whatever #idea

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twitchesandstitches · 5 years

Text

I have an idea for two new factions to play parts as antagonists, but I need suggestions since I’m sort of operating a bit outside my usual series and I don’t want them to become like super over-saturated with just a few specific series.

Opening up suggestions for characters for two other factions, and I really would appreciate it if you send in suggestions ASAP!

First group is the Ringers, a warlike faction that’s intended to be a lot more morally darker than the Cobalts and serve as ideological opponents to the fleet, though they have some ulterior motives that make what they do reasonable, if not sympathetic at all. Their goal is to plunge the multiverse into endless war and conflict, in a fashion similar to Talon from Overwatch; they believe that warfare and conflict force people to evolve and become better people, and also seem to know something about an upcoming disaster or terrible shift in the multiverse that will make it necessary for people to be hardened in order to survive it.

Their overall themes include: Conflict Is Good, War as desirable or natural (with possible social darwinism), the craving of bloodshed and warfare in general, frowning upon idealism and notions of honor, building character through strife, and in terms of moral alignment, being a lighter shade of black; they’re not pure evil (for the most part, and those that are may be tolerated) and they’re better than the uncertain forces they have foreseen, but to those affected by their rampages and plots, but not by much.

Generally they go about stirring up conflict or engaging others in massive battles, attempting to attack people and force them to build alliances or exaggerate rivalries, and are usually plotting to find some relic or secret to do the one thing to make everyone start fighting.

Alternatively, they may be out to conquer the multiverse, or much of it as they can, in order to safeguard it from this unknown threat, and have a mentality that only they have the authority to do so and the will to do it. They may also have different sub-factions with different views, but in the end it comes down to the same methods.

I have some characters in mind, and may switch around others from various factions if they might fit better here, but i mainly need more Big Lady characters. Generally I would appreciate suggestions from some of the following fandoms: Marvel, Disney, DC, RPG-style games I can update for the setting, but I’m good for stuff I’m not familiar with. Just suggest whoever and I’ll see if they fit!

Some possible characters for this group of endless battle: Javik from Mass Effect, with elements of Doomfist from Overwatch (giant gauntlet that amplifies powers, the same motive, and goals). Azula from the Avatarverse, in full Evil Overlord lady mode, and perhaps Kuvira from Legend of Korra as a more straightforward warlord queen?

Airachnid from Transformers Prime, with characteristics of her IDW incarnation; less sadistic and more experiment-minded, and interested in psychological experiments on a vast scale. Also the Combaticons, all female here, as rough and tough soldiers that are like anti-Dinobots.

Maleficent from Disney, playing up her fae aspects to the full; she may have little interest in the actual purpose behind a multiverse of endless war, but is going with it for her own plans or amusement. Depends on how the Disney stuff interacts with this? She might be a dark goddess of magic backing them, too

The Condesce/Meenah Peixes, from Homestuck. In this continuity she was originally doing her endless war against all the multiverse in an attempt to build a homeland for the trolls, after their lost their homeworld of Beforus. After eons of endless war, she’s become incredibly bloodthirsty and perhaps a little addicted to slaughter, and may be losing track of her original goal in favor of slaking her bloodlust. (Alternatively, I may choose to put her into a criminal organization as part of the Midnight Crew and other groups that are criminals but not, y’know, total bastards. Depends on whether I want to play up her canon traits, or soften them.)

Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka from Warhammer 40k: he’s the embodiment of ‘orcs as warlike brutes’, how could i not?? Maybe a girl version for Ork Amazon fun?

Yellow Diamond: I previously implied that she, White and Blue were captives of Megatron and mere jewelery for him, but I might have it that she has become freed and joined up with these guys, embittered and coming to believe in their cause, desperate as she is to save her people.

Hel from Marvel, but with more traits of her mythical inspiration (perhaps she shifts between two extremes, one cold but fair, the other rather playfully malicious and hungry for death), acting as a divine backer for them?

General demony characters associated with battle and warfare: no specifics here at the moment, but characters that fit this motif would be good

In general, blood knight-types, femme fatales that can be read as warriors, and anyone that has a big character emphasis on strength would fit well here!

The second faction is a variant on the Suicide Squad/TAsk Force X from DC; an elite group of agents working on behalf of mysterious benefactors. Their true numbers are in the millions, but this refers specifically to a squad that is a recurring set of characters. They are not normally antagonistic, though their goals may bring them into conflict with the Fleet, and certainly they don't like the militant guys up there and the Cobalts fight with them….. A Lot.

This task force consists exclusively of anti-heroes, reformed villains, and characters who were once straight up pure bad but have since reformed. They are people looking for a chance to find a new life, atone for their misdeeds, or simply are looking for a better cause and were never bad to begin with.

They are run by Amanda Waller of DC, who may either be part of, or answer to, a governing assembly of big multiversal figures trying to bring some stability to the cosmos. They might also have divine backing; some of their agents are people who are definitely dead, but are still looking for a second chance.

Some possible members:

Reaper/Gabriel Reyes from Overwatch, playing up both his ghostly qualities and the idea that he is a double agent. Most likely the leader and role model for them, and is a straight up ‘anti hero that kills bad guys who deserve it’ character here, rather than the vengeful wraith he is in canon at present.

Blue Diamond: Assuming that its the same case with Yellow, she’s come to regret what she has enabled over the eons and come to conclude that Pink/Rose Quartz had been right all along. Note that her true form is likely planet-sized here. A good chunk of her loyal gems may attend as the squad’s brute muscle.

Shockwave: From Cybertron, mostly using his IDW characterization. Specifically, this is Senator Shockwave. Once this famously cold, heartless and logical ‘Con was a hopeful idealist until the corrupt leaders of his homeworld took his face, his hands, and his ability to feel anything but cold logic. Following recent events, though, his mind has been freed, and he is in shock at millions of years of horrifying cruelty, and he would like nothing better than tho put his scientific acumen to work helping the multiverse.

Bucky Barnes/The White Wolf: He’s Wallers’ attendant, representative in the squad, and something of a political officer, muddled by his tendency to be everyone’s obnoxious brother.

Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy: A two-for-one deal, both of them usually giant ladies or even a full on fusion, and their canon tendency to become better people by being around each other has blossomed into full on attempts to go Good. Harley’s actual job is to be an on-team psychiatrist, while Ivy has transformed into a full on plant monster lady who sees it as her job to restore devastated worlds to full health again.

Lust, from Fullmetal Alchemist. Honestly undecided if she belongs here or with the warmonger faction; either way, she is mostly akin to the canon Lust from the manga and Brotherhood, but with the motivations of her first anime counterpart. Big, busty and largely embodying bloodlust, she has somehow incorporated most of her fellow homunculi and gained their powers, most obviously Pride and Gluttony, becoming absolutely ravenous and death to all that face her, and she is called in to devour entire planets and absorb their souls if there is no other way to save them from otherwise certain doom. They can then be extracted from her and given new bodies at some later date.

Giganta, from DC. Drawing on the more benign or ‘hey, being a baddie is just a job, y’know?’ takes of her. With a bit of the friendly valley girl vibes she had in the DCU!

Slade Wilson/Deathstroke and DEadpool: Considered as one unit here because this version of Deadpool is a flawed clone of Slade, who was a highly skilled super soldier for hire. The squad dealt with Deadpool’s frustrated actions his makers forced him to do, and subsequently recruited both Slade and Deadpool into their ranks, with the latter being treated as an obnoxious little brother to Slade. This Slade is heavily based on his Arrowverse actor, and Deadpool looks like a melted version thereof.

Any additional characters are, again, highly encouraged! Generally I’m looking for characters who were anti-heroes or reluctant villains at best (think Mr. Freeze types; ones that felt they had no choice and they made you REAl SAD) or you could see them regretting what they did and wanting to atone for it.

Generally speaking, these guys aren’t antagonists except in the most genuine sense; they might have opposing goals to the fleet, but they are more likely allies than not. Occasionally their purposes might run counter and a fight starts, and they should ideally be so skilled as to pose a serious threat to even the most extreme numbers.

I’m rather lacking in Sexy Lady-Types for this faction, so I especially welcome suggestions on that score. Send ‘em in, please!

#/#//#///#////#/////#crossthicc AU #this was originally drafted before i fully realized the first of these factions #so some of this is a bit outdated

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lewnatic · 5 years

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For the D&D asks, 1-20

Oh gosh, okay. This is gonna be long so I’m gonna do it under a cut.

What was your favorite Nat 1 Experience?

I don’t think a lot of my characters have had really funny Nat1 moments, sadly. I will always remember the one when @zhixx made a goblin named Spook’em specifically designed to have the least survivability possible. The first time he was downed he rolled a Nat1 on his first death save. The feeling of comedic timing was just beautiful.

Favorite D&D Inside Joke?

“You are a privateer! BUT ON LAHND.”

Favorite Item Your Character received in D&D?

Phailyn was supposed to get a tome to increase his strength, but when his crush said she wanted it, he immediately fucking dropped it so she could have it. So the DM let me sneak off and get a scrying orb we’d passed up earlier. He hasn’t used it yet, but I just like the story behind it.

Ves probably considers Sikrikta to be the best item she’s received has a lot of really expensive shit she’s keeping just because she has bourgie taste. She got a bottle of wine as a gift that would have been 400g if she’d left it unopened. She’s drinking it gradually through the adventure. It’s good, but not quite as good as what she’s used to.

Teeki has a gaudy diamond crown that Bing bought for 300 gold. It does nothing. It is purely cosmetic. She loves it.

Basically I love frivolous shit.

Preferred Animal Companion (if you had any)?

Vesxlit has a familiar, if that counts. He’s a parrot named Brilliant. He talks like a normal human (in a setting where that is definitely not commonplace) and is a member of the Bardic College in the capital city of the nation we’re traveling in.

He’s a posh gentleman who helps Ves sew dresses. They spend 90% of their time arguing because, being a bird, his fashion sense is incredibly bright and garish.

Favorite D&D Battle Encounter?

Every boss fight Skaaren has done is goddamn awesome, tbh. My favorite is the first just because of how scary it was.

Keep in mind, we’re level 1 in Pathfinder, an Oracle (Ves) and a Barbarian (Cato.) We’ve just watched a big hole open up in the ground, and our characters don’t know why, but we’re looking for missing people (including the barbarian’s boyfriend Fabius, he’s important) so we figure hell, this is probably where they’re missing.

We find some of the missing people at the bottom of the hole, but we haven’t found Fabius, so we go deeper in. We find this creepy old woman doing some kinda ritual or something by a pool of water? Barbarian charges in to kill her and save his man, and… kills her very quickly.

Silence. We go to check on Fabius, and we’re not sure if we can safely move him. I’m running out of heals from earlier stuff and I pop my last one on him, and after a while of debating what to do a ton of undead start coming out of the water. Just a goddamn mob. Whatever the hell creepy-lady was doing, we were suddenly way in over our heads. Even if we picked up Fabius and ran, we don’t have a fast way out of this hole. And we start taking damage fast. Including Fabius.

I don’t remember the specifics of the fight. I think that’s a testament to how much we were panicking. I remember feeling the helplessness of being a mage completely out of spell slots frantically trying to hit things with my stupid mace.

And I remember when the fight was over, I stayed down there panicking for several more minutes, trying to determine if Fabius was even alive while the barbarian ran to get the local doctor in a town of which he didn’t even speak the language.

In the end, Fabius was okay, and we both got out of it alive. It was just that sense of dread and fear, that we didn’t know how the DM’s rolls were going or if anything we were trying had any impact. Skaaren has always done a stellar job since of bringing that sense of genuine fear into the game when he wants to, but that first unexpected taste of it was so damn cool.

Favorite D&D NPC Interaction?

Varis Vrynn was my favorite villain. Not because of his fight, or how he fit into the greater lore, but because of how @extravagantshoes played him. He was a slimy uppity elf in the city of Galthiel, a city with heavy class divides based on magic ability. Varis was a powerful diviner, and a lot of our party interactions involved everyone in the party trying to piss him off and Varis looking down his nose in disgust at all of us.

Then Cedlanna, our young sorcerer, got a conversation with him alone in his manor, where he wanted to make a deal with her. And she just ripped into him. Cut to the core of his insecurities and how with all of his riches on display, his manor still was incredibly empty–that for all the parties he hosted he was completely alone.

He was doing some really irredeemable things and later tried to kill us all but I still managed to feel kind of sad that we ended up gruesomely killing him.

Dumbest thing You & Your Party Did

Charging through multiple spinning saws comes to mind. Every time I try to sneak around in heavy plate armor also comes to mind.

I feel like I need to make a separate post to discuss just all the impulsive things Cato does. Turning an entire city upside down just for the chance to punch a specific guy in the face was one.

Most Epic thing You & Your Party Did

I might also make a separate post about this, but Cato and Ves convinced a bunch of lizard people that they were their gods.

Basically in this setting, the level 1 baddies generally fought are called Rapia. They’re kobold-esque in design, but they have a faith-based culture and… well, kind of a faith-based biology. Rapia need something to worship, they undergo gradual physiological changes based on the thing they follow. (Say it’s a sea creature, they might get gills.) And if they don’t have something to worship, they literally become sick and presumably die.

We’d fought a few before and looted crap from their caves, including a tiny hammer that we never could have used but the barbarian held onto cuz idk??

We later ran into some others by falling through the roof of their cave, but they didn’t attack us. They started to assume that we were the gods depicted on one of their cave walls. For the sake of brevity, a fight broke out later when we were trying to leave, and Cato gave the hammer to one of the rapia who was helping us escape. It turned out in the DM’s notes, this hammer had significance to the rapia, and was supposed to be given to the religious leader of a tribe. And so the entire tribe turned to our side and protected us. And… they started following us.

It was about this time that the DM broke character to tell us he had no plan of this happening, and I guess we just have a tribe of rapia now. And we’ve had the goddamn campaign balanced around having a tribe of rapia ever since.

What did you like about your Campaign’s World?

I’m gonna try to sum these up quickly cuz these stories have already gotten long.

The Ascension world has elements of what I affectionately like to call Pop Fantasy, there’s some genre-awareness while not being parody, and all the work on the pantheon Spi did has been goddamn amazing. I also cannot figure out the overarching mysteries and that is awesome.

Nejj puts a ton into immersing us into the world. I can always very clearly get a feel for the sort of setting he’s putting us in, and I’ve been having a lot of fun with the political intrigue he’s been setting up.

Skaaren’s got the weirdest goddamn races in his setting and I love every single one of them. He’s also packed the setting full of little cultural details, I swear to god he’s done extensive research into what we’re having for breakfast in the morning based on where we’re staying.

What was the most Interesting Lore you Found?

I seriously can’t pick a favorite here so I’m going to give a silly answer, and that’s that acolytes of Ves’s goddess commune with her by getting super high.

Summarize Your Campaign(s) in a Single Sentence

One for each campaign:A group of weird rebels and one very ordinary guy dismantle the ruling government.Goblins discover crazy politics and necromancy, what happens next will warm your heart.Tourists getting intimate with the horrifying hidden truths of nature

Describe your whole Party Dynamic in a Sentence

The best bunch of weirdos and one stupid shady paladin.Loner rogue becomes Team Mom by sheer force of how much the other two hate each other.Bug Jesus and The Angriest Boy discover family in the form of lizards.

What Alignment do your characters lean towards?

I have a weird time choosing an alignment for characters cuz motivations change a lot for my nerds. Teeki was True Neutral but has become more Chaotic Good. Ves is Lawful Good I guess?? And Phai is a goddamn mess whose alignment has shifted at least thrice since his conception.

How do you tend to Take Notes (if you do)?

Badly! Next question.

Prefer Story/Plot Driven or No Plot/Character-Driven Campaigns?

I tend to prefer plot-driven, but I honestly think elements of both should be implemented in your narrative–occasionally giving breaks from the overarching plot to give the cast some time to dick around can give a breath of fresh air to roleplay.

Combat or Role Play?

Roleplay, of course. I actually used to think I hated D&D combat. It took a lot of great sessions to make me realize that the RP doesn’t stop for combat, and that’s when I started really getting into learning and enjoying mechanics elements.

Favorite D&D Monster/Creature?

Illithid. I would love to actually play as one someday.

Magic User or Fighter?

Magic is more engaging to me, personally, but I like both.

Preferred Weapon/Spell in D&D?

Tasha’s Hideous Laughter. In large part because of how it’s roleplayed in Critical Role tbh. I also have felt the high of Sneak Attack enough times to really love it now.

What was your Favorite Nat 20 Experience?

One time I rolled a Nat20 perception while we were on the road and it was literally just to find a coin on the ground. That might always be my favorite.

#dnd #lewnspeak #gobbos #ascension #scarecrowmes

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askmerriauthor · 6 years

Note

I remember you railing against BvS pretty hard before. Have you seen Justice League yet?

I actually did get to see it just the other evening, yes. Movie review and writing talk after the jump, because spoilers.

To its credit, JL is a far better movie than BvS. That’s a very low bar to set, I admit, but the point stands. That doesn’t mean it was a good movie though.

When I saw BvS I walked out of the theater thinking “Meh, it was boring but whatever”, only to become more and more angry about it from a writing standpoint as I mulled it over in my head in the following days. JL garnered the same initial response but - despite my dwelling and pondering and scrutinizing - has not advanced any further than that same “meh”. It’s a passable movie with plenty of problems (both in production and in performance) at best and just plain ol’ boring at worst. The most generous I can be with the movie is to say that it had a lot of good ideas with very poor execution.

The basic thrust of the movie is that Batman feels guilty about the shenanigans he was up to in BvS and wants to make good by forming the Justice League to deal with threats now that Supes is dead. The world has been getting progressively shittier since that event as society falls into a sort of existential dread afterward, contributed wholly to their iconic hero biting it. Which is somehow what the baddie of the film - a shmoe named Steppenwolf - needs to enact his evil plan of evil bad death doom nasty bad.

Y’know, completely ignoring the fact that Supes was depicted as a severely divisive public figure in BvS that a bulk of the population actively hated, including the US government at large.

Anyway. There’s a nonsense non-story about Steppenwolf needing to collect the three magical macguffins to destroy the world and the heroes need to join forces to stop him. Honestly though? Steppenwolf, as a villain, was utterly pointless. He had no character, no involvement with the heroes, and spent the bulk of his time on screen only briefly popping in via teleportation and back out again. He goes through the film collecting the magical macguffins, but for all the difference he makes himself, they could have just spared the character animation budget and made the macguffins naturally gravitate toward one another on their own.

Also - really movie? Steppenwolf? Really? Of all the characters associated with Darkseid, we’re starting with freakin’ STEPPENWOLF? I admit someone like Granny Goodness would have been a bit much for this movie, but we couldn’t have at least gotten Kalibak?

ANYWAY. So the Justice League is put together from a ragtag bunch of misfits who overcome staggering odds, learning to be a team in the process. Superman is brought back from the dead (because of course he is), Steppenwolf is defeated, and everything is hunky dory until the next movie. Which apparently is going to involve the Legion of Doom rather than Darkseid if the after-credit stinger is to be believed, which just goes to show DC has absolutely not learned their lesson about trying to retroactively introduce characters in a big franchise.

I mean, seriously, who are we going to get in that movie? Deathstroke apparently. Solomon Grundy? Cheetah? Captain Cold? Gorilla Grodd? The general viewing public doesn’t know who the usual array of Legion of Doom’ers are and aren’t going to give one flying flip about seeing them shoe-horned together. Especially not after the cluster that was Suicide Squad doing the exact same damn thing.

AN-NEE-WAY. Justice League has a lot of trouble with its pacing and tone, with a clear breaking point happening halfway through the film when Superman is brought back to life. In reviewing my thoughts on the movie, I keep coming back to that spot being where things really begin to unravel on the whole. Writing wise, the movie has a hard time keeping itself steady as it constantly waffles between trying to be gritty and dour one moment, then playful and slapstick the next. Apparently the film was handed over from Zack Snyder to Joss Whedon halfway through production which would certainly explain quite a lot, but doesn’t do much to excuse the final product.

We have a big ensemble cast to work with that the movie makes no effort to endear us to, on top of them being very contrary to previous depictions where the big three are concerned. Bats, Supes, and Diana don’t act like they did in their previous movies at all. Bats bounces between being grim to actually cracking jokes and being the butt of a few himself, Supes spends half his time just sort of being there looking bewildered and the other half being incredibly smarmy, and Diana (along with the Amazons as a whole) had any-and-all character granted by her own movie violently siphoned out of her until she was a bland cardboard cutout.

Given that we just had such a great Wonder Woman standalone movie, this version of Diana really grates on my by comparison. She’s dull, isn’t proactive, and spends the film needing to be goaded into being a hero by Batman of all people. Bats is constantly lecturing and advising her on how to be a hero, a leader, how to not lock herself away from the world and others… y’know, stuff that Batman classically has trouble with himself and it REALLY SHOULD BE DIANA TEACHING HIM THAT SHIT SINCE SHE ALREADY DID ALL THAT IN HER OWN DAMN MOVIE AND BEING A RECLUSIVE UNTRUSTWORTHY ASS IS LITERALLY BATMAN’S ENTIRE M.O. IN THIS FRANCHISE.

Flash was fun though. I enjoyed his presence and jokes, which felt a bit more natural since he is such a young character compared to the rest. Cyborg was just sort of there as a plot device - dude literally just grows new powers and plucks meta-information out of nowhere whenever the plot needs him to. Thor - I mean Drax - I mean Aquaman was… well, he was there. Yep. He sure did take up screen real estate without actually having any useful contributions to the story, setting, theme, or conflict resolution.

This may just be my own personal sense of humor at play, but there was a gag I really wish they’d gone for with Flash. After he’s first introduced and the movie is half-assedly explaining his powers, he points out that using his superspeed burns tons of calories, so he’s always famished and is constantly snacking. “I’m like a blackhole for snacks. A snack-hole.” he says, while chowing down on an entire pizza himself as he walks. It’s a fun notion that is never used in the movie beyond that. At most he says “I’m hungry” about 45 minutes later and is told to go have nosh off-screen, but that’s it. Since Flash is constantly zipping around from moment to moment, I really wanted to see him always eating whenever he’s not doing something important. Like, every scene should have him munching on something different. He’ll be chowing down on this big burrito in the background as the camera slightly pans away to someone talking, and then when it pans back he’s got a tub of Ben & Jerry’s under his arm. Or in any scene where he has to stand still for more than 10 seconds, each time the camera cuts back to him, there’s increasingly large and varied stacks of discarded food containers scattered around him.

Or, hell, just have him share his snacks with the others. It would’ve been super cute for him to offer Diana some ice cream and have her be genuinely delighted in return.

Except, y’know, that would require Diana to actually have character in this movie…

The strongest scene in the entire movie to me (and certainly to a bulk of the audience for how vocal a reaction it got in the theater) was right after Supes is resurrected. He’s all addle-brained and violent because he’s still grave-groggy, so he starts fighting the League members. As he’s being dogpiled by the rest, Flash kicks into superspeed and starts running around him. The movie shows the rest of the world freezing in place from Flash’s point of view… until Supes’ eyes start tracking Flash’s movement ever so slowly. That single point made for a fantastic “OH SHIT” moment that nothing else in the film managed to hit quite as well. Unfortunate on the whole, but I will give points for that one, if nothing else.

Supes actually tries to fight Flash with both of them going at superspeed, which is a neat bit as well. It’s clear in watching how they’re moving that Supes is indeed slower, but only just, and it’s more because Flash is so startled that anyone can begin to keep up with him - along with his own inexperience - that Supes takes him out pretty quickly. The same can’t be said for the big bad of the film. Steppenwolf is effectively invincible to everything the entire movie, including the heroes. Attacks literally bounce off him without him even realizing they landed in the first place. The League members do their best to fight him and will, from time to time, manage to put him through a wall or stagger him before he knocks them through several buildings himself. But because everyone is pretty much the same level of invulnerable, the fights become pointless because they’re just knocking each other around through papier-mâché set pieces without effect.

But then Supes shows up and instantly trivializes whatever threat Steppenwolf was supposed to have. It’s played like Awakened Neo verses the Agents in the first Matrix movie, right down to the whole “leaning casually away from a mega-punch” move. Supes casually walks all over this villain without any effort whatsoever, actually leaves the fight entirely for a few minutes to go save a building full of civilians (by literally picking up the entire apartment complex over his head and flying away with it, because all effort at gritty realism is long gone), and then comes back to derisively snark “Is this guy still bothering you?” at the rest of the group. And y’know what? Even with all that, the heroes don’t even kill off the bad guy. He gets swarmed by his own mindless Parademons for absolutely no good reason, because apparently suddenly a bunch of canon fodder minions that even Batman can take out in a toe-to-toe fight are powerful enough to overwhelm Steppenwolf?

The movie’s writing falls prey to two very common problems the comics suffer from, and it is purely a fault of the writers. You’ll often hear people say “Superman is a boring character - he’s got unlimited power so he’s impossible to write good stories for”, which is the hallmark of an unimaginative writer. The other common problem is many writers’ fondness for hoisting Batman up on a pedestal as this amazing genius who can do no wrong. We get both here. Batman is the driving force behind everything that happens and all other characters’ motivations, and yet is so vastly outclassed by their power at the same time that the movie struggles to find anything for him to do. Superman is so beyond powerful that he makes the rest of the movie and its entire cast obsolete - he can do anything in this version through brute force alone, so how is there any danger or conflict? He literally stops the destruction of the world by using brute strength to pull apart the three macguffins with his bare hands.

So… yeah. Justice League has a lot of problems if you look at it any harder than just “open eyes, turn off brain, eat popcorn”. If you can do those steps, it’s a passable bit of brainless fluff and flashy special effects. And it’s still a superior film to BvS by a vast margin.

#justice league #batman v superman #wonder woman

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manifestoonmoralmanlove · 4 years

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Gormless Wrap-Up

I mean to say I have entitled them gormless! Not that my riffs are dumb, and the effort I spend on them stupid since I’m the only one who enjoys them. HAHA!

For the last book check out the brainless tag.

If you want the TL;DR version but want to read these new riffs anyway?

So here are my final thoughts on the book Changeless for those interested in such things:

Once again the big problem/perk of the story is the consistent frivolousness of it all. The book is much more interested in its supposed comedy of manners than the last. This comedy of manners mostly boils down to lol Ivy is stupid, and look at how uptight everyone is. For the most part it’s just not that clever and more often than not I’m just rolling my eyes at it. I will say this book is funnier than the last one. There are a few jokes that are just so dumb, they do hit me in a good way.

However it’s kinda frustrating when nobody seems to care about the overarching plot at all. Like there is an active shooter in the castle and they all just shrug and go to dinner and later bed. For me personally, and I don’t know if people would disagree with me on this…when I pick up a supernatural action/comedy/romance. I’m kinda there for the action, and hoping to enjoy it being peppered with a fun romance and silly comedy. Not for the action to show up once every 3 chapters, and most of it is a couple of unlikable buttholes being belligerently horny at one another and a dumb character off in the corner going, “Duhhh what does this button do?” The action at the center should be propelling the rest of the story but rather it just feels as if it was an afterthought.

But I mean…at least I find the comedy funny a few times, I did not find the action at the center compelling at fucking all. The ~who dun it spy~ antagonist was painfully easy to guess. She does a piss poor job at structuring the suspense and wastes a lot of obvious opportunities for drama. The few dramatic moments we do get I spend the time going, “that makes no sense” rather than, “WILL THEY MAKE IT OUT ALIVE?!” Part of this issue comes down to the fact the book wants you to miss out on feeling the ~BAD~ emotions. You’re not allowed to be sad, scared, or confused as to the right course of action. ONLY HORNY AND LAUGHING! ONLY HORNY AND LAUGHING! Not only are we missing out on feelings that could make one more deeply invested in the characters and story…but there are moments that should be sad or scary and instead are just powered through with oblivious humor, which makes the lead characters seem monstrously callous or thick as pig shit.

Alexia was kinda a plucky idiot last book. This book her utter lack of human empathy and kindness makes her harder and harder to root for.

Maccon’s asshole-osity becomes increasingly apparent. He has a very bad case of hypocrisy in this book. He refuses to share basic information with his wife but gets seething mad when she doesn’t tell him much less vital information. It’s really not hot or the sign of a good leader that his tactic for dealing with people is mostly intimidation, with a pinch of violence, and that he was seriously considering hurting his wife over listening to her. The only thing he puts effort into is trying to have sex with his wife, and he really should have a few things higher on his god damn list. And honestly? He doesn’t really do much for this story at all. Alexia does all the plot lifting on her own. The only thing he contributes to is the ending, and it casts him in an incredibly dark light. And yanno it just sucks to know that he’s going to be forgiven for it and probably for as little as a “My bad.”

I continue to find the Alexia/Maccon relationship beyond irritating but at least there were a couple of moments were they genuinely seem to connect in an intimate way, which were absent from the last book. To be clear I am not conflating intimacy with sex when I use the word. The two of them are most definitely not equals in the relationship. I wouldn’t classify the relationship as abusive, but best case scenario it’s not equal and worst case scenario it’s quite unhealthy with Maccon holding most of the cards. But…I mean I can see why somebody would find their pissing contests entertaining. But for me they’re child-adults who can’t speak to one another outside of annoyed sighs and dry humping. Their banter is just not sexy or funny to me.

The Ivy and Tunstell subplot drama doesn’t work well at all. The story outright tells you it doesn’t really care about it. And the way it moves forward is clunky as all get out. In particular when they just make-out out of nowhere. I know they were trying to reconcile with how Tunstell saved her…than let that be the event that catapults them back together. Let Ivy look up into Tunstell’s eyes after the rescue and breath, “….You saved me…and after all those awful things I said about you.”

Nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh who cares!?

Speaking of which we get a lot more out of Ivy this book than last and I’m just not impressed with it. I predicted that Ivy was going to be the comic relief dumb friend. That Alexia would keep her around for her own ego and just be condensing to her the entire time. Last book we didn’t get that. THIS BOOK WE GET WHAT I PREDICTED IN SPAAAAAAAAADES! Ivy is not framed as lovable, and not even for a second does Alexia interact with Ivy outside of irritated condensation she hides with a snide quip. Sure Alexia can be snarky toward her, and Ivy frustrated but there is no affection from either of them.

I’M HONESTLY NOT SURE IF ALEXIA IS CAPABLE OF SUCH A THING!

LeFoux was cool though, even though there was no reason why she had to lie about Maccon asking her to keep Alexia safe. And like the thing about their two dads knowing each other is interesting but honestly there’s probably nothing more to it. I’m not a big fan of Alexia sexually assaulting her for no reason, or how Alexia needed it explained to her that lesbians are real. But like, I’m glad the story is getting gay.

I’m kinda confused why Channing was even here? She OPENS THE BOOK with a conflict about this character and then nothing of import comes out of him or the situation at all. The whole team up with Biffy and Lyall sub-sub-sub plot should either not have even been in the book at all or there should have been significant more effort made to make their antics increase the drama for the main plot. I suspect Channing is going to be more plot important next book. AKA the next Angelique.

Just like last book the antagonist is super weak. I mean you could argue that she wasn’t revealed as the big bad until the 2nd to last chapter, you couldn’t build on her much…however her spy antics were throughout the book and none of it is very compelling. There could have easily had a better confrontation. That Alexia confronts Angelique about spy stuff, and Angelique breaks out crocodile tears explaining, “NO it was LEFOUX! I’m so sorry my lady, I couldn’t stop her!”And for a second Alexia questions it and hesitates but in that moment of hesitation BLAMO! STAB IN THE BACK! We should have had that stark contrast between her meek diligent servant persona and what a manipulative conniving bitch she’s supposed to be. Make that betrayal FELT you know?

TL;DR

What’s good?

This book is more humorous than the last. Again it’s just that NO-BUMMERS train chugging past a lot of dumb jokes in a steam-powered train straight into werewolf-fuckville. The story getting gayer is enjoyable, and I have genuinely not read a het romance that teases any lesbianism. (Though I don’t read many het romances anyway.) Despite my distaste for a lot of the characters and how this is all written, LeFoux was genuinely a lot of fun! Her flirtations were WAY sexier than anything Alexia/Maccon had…but I don’t know if that’s cause I’m gayer than I am straight WHOOPS! I will say that I think the pacing of the action in this book was better than the 1st. Also the ending, despite me not caring for the characters, was a pretty good gut-punch.

And let’s be honest, in a trilogy the middle book is the hardest to pull off.

What’s bad?

Everything falls apart on any kind of base analysis. The story spends way too much time holding your hand on stupid details like the current state of LeFoux’s dimples or is that other hot werewolf, who’s not plot relevant at all, still hot? The mystery aspect was easily guessed, the plot does not hold water, and if you take a step back from any of these characters…most of them are completely distasteful. Also this one featured much more open racism and sexism. So booooooooooo. Would not recommend.

#soulless #gormless #senseless #riffs #review

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