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tenkasato · 2 years

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Hi hi😁 im really glad to catch ur requests open. Ten, would it be alright to adk for a comfort fic with Akashi and his insecure fem! best friend in their 20s? Like sure akashi is perfect abd all but with each other they can share their ups and downs as young adults navigating through life. They experience heartaches and breakups and drunk nights and happy moments, victories, failures, anxieties, hilarious moments etc that theyll remember forever. Theyve fought too and made up throughout the years. Theyre both confused with their careers and perosnal lives. Akashis more sure definitely but she doesnt know where shes going. I thinj this has thr potential to br a funny story hahaha. They just sypport one another always! Maybe they end up together in the end or just implied? Lots of fluff please!! Thank u so much. If it's too vague mayve just akashi tirelessly motivating her and believing in her always never once doubting her potential? You can of course tweak all the details to ur liking judt this general vibe is more than okay. Really need this one! (me im confused 20 something lol) thank you so so much this would mean the world to me.

Hi anon! Let me start by saying how much I adore this idea. I was thinking of how I could incorporate the scenes you listed. At first I was thinking of writing headcanons, but I think writing a narrative of Akashi’s POV will allow him to be more expressive. Anyways, without further ado… ^^

Pairings: Akashi Seijuro x bestfriend!reader

Akashi Seijuro knows what your every breath meant.

He watches you furrow your brows, pucker your lips and make a sharp exhale as you scan the list of entrance exam passers on the board. He waits for you to find your name (there, in the middle of the people sharing your surname. He’s seen it minutes ago), and when you finally did, he observes your sigh of relief.

A radiant smile stretches your lips.

“I passed,” you announce, as if he didn’t know yet.

“Of course,” he answers. His voice brims with confidence. If there’s anyone who could put her mind to something she wanted, it was his best friend.

“Come on, I’ll treat you!” you enthuse, hooking an arm around his as you walk away from the crowd.

Your breathe trembles. Excitement zapped in with flavors of anxiety.

Even so, he’s glad you’re going to college with him.

– 0 –

There are times when Akashi wishes you saw yourself with his eyes.

Your hair sits like a worn-out mop on your head. Light make-up smudged at the wrong places. Eyes rimmed with exhaustion, hurt and self-contempt.

“I should’ve know,” you release a long-drawn groan. “I should’ve know he was a good-for-nothing jerk who just wanted me as some sort of a trophy!”

Akashi’s quiet gaze falls on your drink—warm milk, before a smile captures his lips. Who gets drunk on milk anyways?

“Am I not good enough, Sei?” you mewl. Your eyes are huge and watery, begging him to disagree.

He sighs. “I warned you early on that that boy was nothing short of trouble. Did you at least heed my words?”

You wince and lay your head over your folded arms. With another groan, you snuggle to the side of his arm. “I need my best buddy right now. Not a father.”

“And a friend I am,” he says. He thinks it over, and then, “He is blind.”

“What?”

“You are a supremely flawed human being. We all are. Needless to say, you are a definitely a cut above many.”

You hear the tease in his voice, narrow your eyes and huff. “Is that your way of comforting me?”

Akashi remembers the time you lightheartedly prepare a meal for your now ex-boyfriend. He recalls the genuine emotions dancing in your eyes. He hears your hopeful voice, the one that carries a song of future promises.

He wishes you’d see yourself through his eyes.

“No, it’s my way of telling you the truth.”

– 0 –

Akashi thinks you’re like the moon. Meek and fluctuating.

When you were kids, you always shied away from the adults. You preferred to play with him at the garden or in his room.

Whenever he invited you out to one of the family busines dinners, you begrudgingly tagged along. The polite smile on your face never left, but he could see hints of unease in the way you kept close to him.

When with his friends or teammates in Teiko, you’d exchange pleasantries, indulge them in small talks and even spill supposedly embarrassing things about him. He’d feel you stealing glimpses of him as you looked for reassurance.

“I think you’re like the sun, Sei,” you tell him one time, during the heat of an argument he’d rather not have. It was one of those times when you two walk home together in the swell of the night, university work keeping you both out longer than normal.

You’ve stopped on your tracks, and instead, you’re glaring at him.

“Pardon?” he says.

“I said, you’re like the sun. It’s like you’re meant to rule the skies. You’ve got everything figured out. You’ve got your path laid out for you, and all you need to do is walk over it.”

Akashi finally faces you. It’s then that he notices the slight glimmer in your eyes. Tears from you are rare, and that is why seeing them adorning your gaze makes his chest ache.

“I meant no offense,” Akashi explains. “All I am trying to say is that this indecision might deter you from realizing the things you really want.”

“But what can I do about it? I’m not so sure what I want to do. You think shifting courses is easy?”

He shakes his head. “I did not say that. But you need to start making choices that you wouldn’t second think at the last moment and waste valuable time.”

Your eyes flare at the jab. “Someone like you won’t understand what it’s like to be unsure and lost. You’re talented, smart and versatile. On the other hand, I have to work thrice as hard just to get by each day. I bet you’ve never experienced feeling empowered and ready to take the world one second, only to run out of fumes the next moment.”

A choked noise rumbles your throat as you inspire some air.

“And unlike you, I wasn’t born with a silver spoon up my ass! Stop pretending as if you understand me at all!”

The hurt etches itself on his face, you realize too late.

“Ah… Seijuro, I didn't mean to…” you begin, but he walks ahead of you.

“Let’s go home,” he tells you, not wanting to talk further.

The silence of the aftermath kills you, but it also kills him too, knowing that he could’ve told you about how he thinks the moon glows brighter at nights.

– 0 –

Akashi knows he isn’t infallible.

He’s been beaten by you in a game of cards multiple times when you were seven. He’s fallen a flight of stairs once, and just when he thought no one saw, a blast of laughter emanated from you. He’s worn clothes that were 'outrageously heinous’ according to you. He’s made you cry before, many times—sometimes because of the most mundane and pettiest of things such as eating your dessert accidentally, but sometimes because of almost irreparable damages such as when he told you he needed no one else but himself.

It was a lie of course, and you knew it.

So when he went home after Rakuzan’s defeat at the hands of Seirin, you were there, perched on his bed. Glowing with warmth.

“I figured you want to watch movies with me?” you said with a wry smile. You gestured at the cups of hot chocolate by his lamp.

He wasn't perfect. He won't ever be, but he figures that that's okay.

– 0 –

Akashi can tell when you're nervous.

"I'm so nervous, Sei," you verbalize his thoughts out loud, going over the mirror to strip down to your underclothes.

Akashi ducks, keeping his eyes back to his phone. "Will you please change in private?" he asks, peeved.

"What," you stick out your tongue, putting on that long, cream dress. It falls until your ankles. "We used to run around buck naked in the river when we were younger."

"Emphasis on the younger."

You try to pull the back zipper up, but it proves to be challenging given the low level cut of the dress. Instead, you walk towards him with your hand holding the fabric behind your back. With the other hand on your hip, you ask, "Well? Classy enough?"

"They say it's a trick question when a woman asks about how she looks."

"I'm serious," you hiss.

"You look presentable," he gives in, smiling a bit.

You beam at him before turning back towards the mirror. As you pick up a tube of lipstick, Akashi notices the journal sitting atop your desk.

"Hey, thanks for agreeing to this," you say all of the sudden, unknowingly disrupting his train of thoughts. "I just needed someone to be my date for this event. Otherwise, they'll accuse me of wasting a free ticket… that or, they call me unsociable. That's going to make me feel like crap again."

Akashi sighs for the umpteenth time that day, staring down at the yellowing cover and multi-colored marks of your worn-out journal. It’s the notebook he gave you a few years ago. Hands hovering above the worn out notebook, he says, "You need not to feel like crap just because there are scrutinizing eyes watching you."

"You don't get it," you reply. "This is huge for me and my career. If I screw up—"

"You will rise back," he completes the sentence for you. Akashi holds your nervous gaze, then adds, "Adversaries are meant to defeat us until we gain enough strength and means to overcome. Don't be daunted by the possibility of failure.

"Refrain from holding yourself back, and start believing in people when they tell you about how amazing you are in your own rights."

The monumental pause and gawking you give him is enough to make him grin.

Turning away before he sees your eyes glisten, you harrumph, "Always so flowery in your words, Sei. Whatever. Help me pull this zipper up, will you?"

Grin widening, he ambles over to you to do just that.

– 0 –

There are a number of things Akashi constantly wonders about.

For example, he wonders why you always make a fuss about him. You were also like this before. When he lost his mother, you did everything to fill up the gaping hole.

“Hmm, should you use this tie?” you ask, placing the said clothing article over his chest, “or this black one? I think the black one fits you better than this red one, hmm?”

You toss the chosen tie on the chair before he can let a word out. You proceed on rummaging through his closet, muttering under your breath about how rich Akashi is and how having too many clothes to choose from is a bother.

Akashi chuckles and grabs the tie you selected. “Calm down.”

“Calm down?” you repeat, incredulous. “You’re going out on a date! You have to look your absolute best, otherwise you’re going to live down that regret for the rest of your life!”

“An exaggeration,” he remarks. “And to set the record straight, this is hardly the first time I am going out to dinner with someone.”

“Damn right, it's not. But you wouldn't know if you’d actually be dating your soulmate, right? Better make a good impression.”

He wants to argue that he doesn't at all consider it a date. It was a dinner meeting his father set-up, one with the heir of a promising business partner. And still, you frantically run around his room like a madman who is at her wits end.

He looks at your back fondly.

Here you are, young adults venturing out on new chapters of your life—still going hand in hand, inseparable. You have always been there to keep him grounded. And he, in turn, never fails to guide you back when you seem to stray away.

"Please get it right this time," he hears you mumble as you finally emerge from his towering closet. "Your dates never seem to work out, for Pete's sake, Sei. I'm starting to think you're the problem here."

"I just do not like being in a hurry."

"Yeah, sure," you reply, completely unconvinced. "But it is weird. You're like the best, ideal guy out there. No one compares to you!"

You stare down at him as he stares back with a painted gaze. Giving up, you sigh and shake your head, shooting him an affectionate smile as you hand him his gray dress shirt.

"Bachelor of the year, they say. I wonder why the hell you're still single," you laugh.

He wonders too.

And he wonders whether it has anything to do with that saccharine smile of yours.

Taglist: @shakethatsassyass

#akashi seijuro x reader #akashi x reader #akashi seijuurou x reader #akashi seijuro #kuroko no basket #knb fanfic #the basketball which kuroko plays #akashi seijūrō #tenkasato writes

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adhdwerewolfgf · 2 months

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do you still play tf2? do you make friends in it and if yes, how?? i tried it but it felt so lonely in there and noone talked to me except some guy who got mad and it sucked

i do still play tf2! ngl, i haven't really made "friends" in it but i have met some cool people that have added me on steam and i've added back, but nothing ever really comes of it aside from seeing them and say hi every now and then.

unfortunately popular online fps games like tf2 are a pretty hostile place. i'm not sure how it is outside of aus servers, but my experience is the people playing on pubs (honestly most servers) are either right-wing cunts or friendly lgbt people. often even when people seem cool or funny they usually end up spouting a slur or something and then youre like oh. i see.

i really do think the best way to play is with existing friends. if you can't, try emoting at people or kill binding and if someone else responds to that it's generally a good sign. play along with peoples silly bits. just try to have fun with it. people are usually seeking social interaction and if they get a positive response theyre gonna want to continue to engage with you. and when you happen across the right people it's so fun.

if you have to be alone, just don't bother arguing with people. if you do though, just never give assholes the time of day. a great method to deal with shitheads is just say things like "hey man, are you okay? is everything okay at home?" or just respond with dumb shit like "yeah well you're a poopoo head" or other childish/silly shit because then they look like an idiot for arguing with you. you would also be surprised how many people hate the dude spouting slurs just as much as you, so attempting a vote kick is usually worth. worst case scenario they kick you back and you can find a server with better people.

also if someone wont leave you the fuck alone mute them! best to not let them get to you. the number one thing these people hate is being ignored so if you do that theyll lost their shit and embarrass themselves.

anyway. good luck anon, hope your games are better

#if you happen to be aus i wouldnt mind adding you on steam and playing with you!#otherwise its almost impossible to play across continents #anonymous #ask

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abimee · 1 year

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i do not remember (or, i guess, know) much about final fantasy exceptt watching my dad play ff13 because he wanted to show me how cool it looks anyways i wnated to ask you about. the little cactus people. if they are people? their faces always look like :0 how do you feel about them i think theyre neat (and i hope they arent actually really annoying in gameplay or something) your posts about final fantasy reminded me how nice it was to watch my dad play that game and have no idea what the hell was going on but he was having fun which is the important part

heehee those are the CACTUAR

theyre funny little low level enemies out in Thanalan so i dont think people think about them much anymore but theyre super cute I think. they're also the mascot for the game and universe's Casino, the Gold Saucer, and theyre called the Sabotenders

there's also another version of them on another planet in this game called the Gigantender, and one of them is fucking. spicy hot red because it's a special kill mark, and their head has SMALLER CACTUAR shapes on it. this is the maliktender and me and my bestie love this big ol bitch that when he met up with me and moosh and spotted it in the distance we both RAN to it

theres also a cute questline to get the cactuary minion where you have to find a zombie's three cactuar friends and my favorite bit about it is you find a cactuar friend of his bathin in a hot spring under a waterfall. its just super cute

you also learn my favorite blue mage spell 1000 NEEDLES from a cactuar too. idk why this is my favorite blue mage spell and its not really an interesting fact but i love sharing it :]

OH AND MY BESTIE HAS A MINION OF THE GIGANTENDER. AND YOULL NEVER GUESS WHAT ITS CALLED.

MICRO GIGANTENDER

overall; cactuar are super good. theyre also in WORLD OF FINAL FANTASY which is a video game i really love and they make me laugh because theyre the shitheadiest enemies where theyll jump you for a fight, dodge your hit, and then run away when its their turn. literally the funniest thing ever. kiss your

WAIT I FORGOT THERES ALSO MOON CACTUAR. THE LUNATENDER!!!!!

this is the killmark like the maliktender on the moon ^ known as the lunatender queen. shes so beauty. and her little commonplace guys the regular lunatenders who pose all day v

you can also get TWO!!!!! minions of these guys. one is the prince lunatender (i own) and the ROYAL lunatender (i own)

also not really related to the cactuars but there used to be a crafting ingredient called the lunatender blossom that people were hiking up in price like nuts on the marketboard and so i went in and undercutted them to make their day worse and so whenever i see the lunatenders i smile so wide

overall (AGAIN): we love the cactuar. the lunatenders. and they love you

#i need to play a ff game thats not woff or xiv. yall got recs out there

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smoosnoom · 10 months

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hello moonie :] i listened to the songs u gave me and !

i really really luved 'how soon is now?' by the smiths and i definitely need to listen to them more !!! im so obsessed w how he sings certain lyrics it sounds So nice (literally listneing to the song rn as i type lol)

u were right abt me enjoying 'crybaby' by destroy boys a lot as i already know that song and its one of the 2 or 3 songs i know from them lol . its really really good

i Immediately added 'saturnine' to my main playlist once it was over !! the chorus is So nice to listen to i really luved it !

i had forgotten u said u were going for the vibe of floating in the ocean and when listening to 'andromeda' i literally thought 'this song feels like floating down a river or something' . the way she sings 'let me in if i break / and be quiet if i shatter' was So. gah . its good.

as for my recommendations:

summertime - my chemical romance

heaven, iowa - fall out boy

unpunishable - ethel cain (the chorus of this song is Everything)

so far so fake - pierce the veil (1:30-on, but especially 2:25-~3:00 is Beautiful. i . luv guitars .)

and bonus song because its all that stuck in my head currently : bury me in black (demo) - my chemical romance . very different from the other ones lol .

ok that is all i think :> i hope your week is good and not stressful and that any writing block u may have is broken <33 also do not worry about answering this quickly i am So ok w patiently waiting until ur able to answer please do not feel bad if it takes a while ok byebye ily

yes omg ok i am such a fan of the smiths . which is probably my biggest red flag LOL but i cant help it !!!! theyre so good !!!!! and i think half of it is just how morrisey sings some certain words . he is such an asshole but Damn it if he doesnt make his songs unique .

i think u already knowing and liking the song is so crazy but also . i am kind of proud of myself for guessing right on ur taste :D

im honored !!!! and yes i have a whole playlist about just . songs that feel like floating around on some mystical beach, its based on this freaky dream i had but . if u ever want it ...

ohhh i should say . i am in fact an mcr and fob fan LOL . i have already listened to both those songs, summertime is sososoooo good but so is the entire album, and ive been loving the new fob album :D i think my personal favorite is maybe . well ok i have three LOL "love from the other side", "heartbreak feels so good", and "i am my own muse" ofc . i feel like i picked the most popular ones 😭 theyll probably change ! also . completely unrelated omg but ive been . kind of . crushing on a specific white man ok and specifically ethan hawke and then imagine my surprise when i see him on the album ??:W?? what the hell was that . what the he lll . anyway .

ok i listened to unpunishable and i love love loveeeeed the section after 3:30-ish . like it was soo like . metallic sounding with her vocals and the ringing guitar and it was just so everything . it made me want to write something crazy so badly, it was amazing !!! ive only heard a few songs by her but this one is definitely top three for me i think . wow

i did have . a pierce the veil phase for like fiveseconds in middle school LOL but i enjoyed this one !!! i got flashbacks to 2018 but i really did enjoy it :D i think ill always like their sound, its always so . indulgent . i did really like the bit at 2:25-3:00, i didnt even realize u commented on it LOL i was like Wow . wow . it was so so good

oh i loveee bury me in black . that entire era will b so close to my heart forever i think and its just so . good . oh my god . the brash guitar and drums are soooo . i need them permanently playing forever and ever

ok sorry for giving u a whole essay 😭 i just had a lot to say i think LOL

but here are mine !!!!

if u liked how he sings certain lyrics then u would loveeee "a rush and push and the land is ours" by the smiths . the way he sings rush and push . oh boy

are u a fan of p!atd ? i think u would like them even tho i am brendon urie's biggest hater . but ryan ross ... loml . anyway . "new perspective" is so underrated and one of my favorites, very reminiscent of the 2000s pop punk scene !

also a more like . "weird" sounding song but its so so good . "girls & boys" by blur ! its one of their more popular songs but it holds up so so well

and . in honor of me purchasing a radiohead poster . i think u would love radiohead . i recommend . "just" . a popular song but i think u would absolutely enjoy it and My Bad if u have already heard it before . if u have i would not be surprised !!! i think it trended on tiktok for a second ? idk

anyway . thank u so much for being so so patient, it means everything to me :) i adore the songs u recommend me and i was kind of itching to answer this to get some more recs LOL . ok byebye ilyt !!!!!!

#/ask #my marmalade munchkin mj

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summercurial · 2 years

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do you have any fun tips on giving blowjobs for a clueless pussy haver

disclaimer: i have given lots of bjs, but never recieved one

okay so first of all blowjobs are like. 90% about enthusiasm. if youre enthusiastic abt it theyll be feeling it! anyway, down to brass tacks. i think of blowjobs as having basically four modes:

head play: only the top couple inches or even just the head are in your mouth, elaborate tongue work, genuine suction, the head is really sensitive, as i understand it giving it lots of attention is pretty pleasurable. personally this is my favorite.

slow bobs: your head is going up and down on the dick, slow enough that you can use some tongue work and some suction. this is the "classic" blow job mode but honestly it seems just okay? its like...its the "bread" of your blowjob, not the meat (lol)

fast bobs: this is the most effective for actually getting the person to come. can only have minimal tongue work and suction, more gives too much friction for speed. but honestly i dont think suction is that important, in this phase your mouth is basically mimicking a vagina

deep throating: so like. i think the appeal of this is mostly conceptual/showing off. like it doestn seem like the ability to just keep it in your throat is that pleasant. but its like. its a good way to show off! and having your dick in someones throat is hot to a lot of people. i think someone skilled enough could combine this with fast bobs but for me having somehting enter my throat like 5 times in quick succession makes me feel im very close to barfing, i have to like push myself off while getting facefucked this style

if you control your own pace its pretty easy to handle air, just yknow, come up when you need to breathe lol, if someone else is controlling your pace getting enough air can be hard.

oh, the most important part is communication! different guys have different tastes! ask what they like, either before or after

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rvbyaoi · 2 years

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god i need to actually write this idea i have in my head. its like. a rvb found family modern au (kind of. idk i just like college aus so. now theyre in a Normal City) slice of life fan season. kind of idk. it came to me thru some like. mental illness fueled fuckin. idk. like i saw the rvb zero trailer and the idea like. got lodged inside my brain to the point i was genuinely convinced like “yea. yea this will be the plot. theyll all retire and live together. and the monsters in the trailer are from dnd. cuz they all play dnd together. this is real and im right about this.” and then was actually like. confused when it came out and wasn’t my unrealistic fever dream. anyways it lives rent free in my head and i NEED to make it real but my story writing abilities are. sub par and im lazy lmao. but i need to some day. anyways did anything i say make sense. im just rambling now

#rvb

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nightmare8-420 · 19 days

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yippe j’s having a mental breakdown like fucking normal. why is anyone shocked

tw suicide hating myself. its a breakdown alr.

maybe im not being dramatic maybe they do hate me. i mean they didnt show when they were mad at me too so maybe they are really pissed at me and just lying? fuck itd be better if i left huh? fuck why do i always have to fuck it up with my stupid feelingns i hate this.

i really feel like im only supposed to be used by others and thrown out. i dont think i deserve any kindness they give me. they should hate me. they really should. i dont want to disappoint them but. i really think itd be better if i destroyed myself and didnt tell them.

i mean its what im best at anyways so might aswell play into it or something.

ill always be a disappointment anyways.

theyll get tired of trying to comfort me like everyone else. theyll move on. they have their life. god i wish i could apologize for bothering them that day. i shouldve just shut up. i shouldntve met anyone.

why wont they just tell me how much they hate me? why? just why wont they tell me that they wish i was dead i cant deal with it. i mean to be honest i dont even deserve that much of attention so why wont they jusy. dont know. be mean to me?? i deserve it. everyone knows that.

i wish i could bash my head in right now. i dont deserve life. no one will understand my reasonings if i dont even understand them. therefor. theyre probably right.

i wanna throw up.

i wanna hurt myself.

i want to feel nothing.

i want to hurt myself but im scared that im over reacting but i still deserve it. i dont know what to think anymore.

#j’s a bloody mess

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sunflowersnpearls · 2 months

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Husbands' words are not matching actions and vice versa. Hes been "venting" to "me" in front of our oldest (turning 16 may 10) on our "current" marriage?....problem(s).

I tried my best to keep my mouth shut and one time he asked me to play a song so I for one am so plugged up i cant really hear much, sometimes even music is too loud (sensory processing disorder) and I guess i didnt even hear him say something and the child caught on to what was happening and said "you're ignoring dad again"

So i spoke to her instead of him since she said it, & I said "I didnt ignore him. I didnt hear him. I was hyper focused on the song he requested me to play."

And then he went on just one of many other rants in front of her, asking "you dont think I ever hyper focus on anything? When Im home on my days off, I feel like im your servant" All day anytime I asked for help, to him I was demanding it and not appreciating stuff he did and then he would not stop talking about every single thing he did today around the house and for our children and its like.... ok cool.

And people get paid to do what i do here at home, every single day all day long. Didn't say it would be easy, however I did ask for help. He tried to say he understands im frustrated bcuz im home all day and i guess i interrupted and was rude bcuz i said "Its not THAT, at all" (cuz its...not?) Lastly i stumbled upon his fave song & started playing it & asked him to plz get me my night meds bcuz I am so fucking cold to the touch, esp to others. And moving makes it hurt.:// He said "You can just not play the song now. Thanks." So uhh.. Like all I am learning here is 1) I need to stop asking him to help me w/ literally anything and like he has said in the past which I clearly shouldve listened to: "If you (*me doing this: "cough" "cough") WANT something RIGHT NOW!, I'll have to get up and get it myself or wait until I he is ready to do it." And 2) I've been right all along. I cant count on even my own Husband so like uhh.... okay. And Now to him, I'm just a burden. Let alone ya know, i guess having influenza and not doing shit around the house "today" (literally just today, and actually, i still did some stuff which is better than none lol) and hes acting like he deserves a fucking gold medal. For what? Being a husband a father and taking responsibility of everything whilst your wife is ill? K. Never asking you for shit now. Ill send lists to him at work if the house needs anything. He hasnt had sex from me in a month because for the past 2 months steady, I have been sick with an upper respiratory virus affecting my asthma and everything else and now this so uhh, my bad. Next time I'll just faint (again) & hit my head probably (again) and then maybe, theyll see that hes just gonna send me by myself and come pick me up when Im done being in there because he has to sleep for work tomorrow. Not to ya know, dare mention that if the bulging disc in my spine "RUPTURES", all signs & symptoms of paralysis will hit fast & clearly that would become a huge Emergency Situation... So I was "told to do it anyway" by him even after explaining the deck was covered in thick broken shattered ice chunks and with my slip on shoes that are the only shoes i can wear, I told him "I'm not doing that" and now it's my fault it was left outside until when he came home (3 1/2 hours before home). I feel as if my health is a major burden to him and maybe its time for me to get an inhome nurse... Some people just arent built to take care of anyone else. And maybe idk, maybe he is starting to see that I a really honestly, not in love with him at this point anymore. Maybe tomorrow or next month or next whatever, or maybe never will I be back in love with him.It seemed to me like the exact day that he was hired on as a manager at his workplace, things shifted. He dropped a huge bomb on me. I had to then last night, inform my family that I'm doing gene testing to see if i am a carrier of a breast cancer gene for reasons. They're also testing for thyroid & ovarian seeing as those run heavily. My chances before gene testing was uncomfortable to talk to our 3 kids about but they were as accepting as they can be, as their Mother my main priority should be my health so that Incan get better so that I can continue to do what I freaking LOVE DOING SO MUCH!!!!!! Like I truly do so why continually, continually say outloud in front of the 3 kids that "well I've done all of this and all of this because you asked for help" and it all started over me asking him if he can take lily her cup of water since shes coughing so badly. My flu/asthma/sinus shit is awful and my heart problem make it hard for me to walk sometimes let alone climb stairs.... He's acting like he deserves a gold medal when im always keeping the house up and im not doing that. What im doing is showing him what all i have to do during the day, some updates on what i dod and whatever else i wanna send.

I told him that its unfair to us completely that he doesnt turn off "Manager" when he walks through the door. He had a conversation to me and said hes not gonna be able to shut that off when he comes home and he has to take on so much responsibilities and he feels like he needs to be inside the house alone without myself or the kids or the pets for like half a year to get his straight. Bruh. Like no. Just do better. Idk how many people told me that Id never do this and id never do that and here i am proving them wrong every single day.

But every time he speaks to me like this, I am taken back to a time where I was told "your mother never should've made you." At i think 4-5 years old? I am disabled for many reasons. And I can tell everyone all the time until I'm fucking blue in my own face that, when I say that I cant do something and I ask for help, the help is met with a "your legs work" or "you're capable. You just dont wanna wait" No duh. Thats why i said "now please". Would you rather I give you another reason to hit me 3x flat-cupped handed times on my face again and say that "If I wanted it right now and could have gotten it right now for myself"

Im tired of asking for help and being treated like nothing other than a burden and his biggest fucking problem. How was I supposed to know that I was going to this sick on your 2 days off and that every time I asked for anything, you were upset.

I guess i was right and I'm just a different person now because of trauma processing and healing. But being sick enough to make 4 separate appointments during the 2 month span and if this gets worse, this one too. So I feel like he wants me to say something to him or do something for him, but all Im getting from this is "do not ask me for anything". Isnt your spouse supposed to be the one taking care of you when youre sick? Hes already lost me emotionally. And right before our ten year wedding annivarsary. Cool.

Advice?

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rippeds0cks · 11 months

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5/27/2023

Im falling apart at the seams physically. My body cant keep up with all the pressure, stress, and work im putting it through. Its to the point where im taking ludicrous amounts of meds to keep it together. My body hurts so fucking bad from my muscles to my tendons to my bones im in pain all day. If i lose focus on whatever motor function im doing (using stairs, walking, running, fighting) i just collapse. Ive been dropping things cause the nerve damage in my hands is progressively getting worse. I deserve it though not only for being a piece of shit and failing those around me but just for my existence. My pops always told me growing up that “guys like us arent supposed to do well or live long” and i guess he was right cause im barely keeping myself in one piece. It’s ok tho cause im living for absolutely nothing right now. If i drop dead a couple people here n there will be sad but theyll soon forget and move on. I dont contribute anything to anyones life so its not like anything crumbles in my absence. Anyways every little detail ive ever known of my ex flooded back into my mind today in the gym and it left me fighting back tears and choking up while working out. Everything from how her old fursona back when she was a furry was a dutch angel dragon, how beautiful she looked everytime i saw her and her face lit up, the one time we were standing in the park at night and she kissed me and said “feels familiar”, how she always wanted to play apex or valorant, and most importantly as for now, how she used to make music. For shits and giggles i decided to go see if her music page was still up and it was. I decided to listen for old times sake and it reminded me of how i never told her how good i thought she was. I went straight to criticism and telling her how to improve it. Idk why im like that. Maybe cause its the way my parents were to me anytime i did anything i dont know. Its no excuse though. Dont get me wrong she still did rookie things like fill syllables with unnecessary curse words or make her vocals too low in the mixing process but its genuinely good music and ive been listening all day. Listening to the lyrics has made me realize how much i failed her. She placed a lot of emphasis and faith on me to help her or value her and i failed. And while my therapist would say something along the lines of “its not your responsibility to carry the burden of her happiness” i dont believe that to be the case at all. I think its something she placed in my hands trusting me and i failed. And that doesnt negate the insane way things ended between us. Her mother is still batshit fucking insane for the next level mental manipulation she did to my ex to make her mental state even more volatile than before. Idk. Maybe its my fault for leaving in the first place. Ive failed her every other way i cant not think i failed her by leaving and making those the only people she spent time around. Back when we first got together shes agree when her mother would say insane shit or treat her bad or her sister would bully her but by the end of it she flat out didnt think those things were happening. I just hope she got therapy like i begged her to so many times. Her ex best friend is a piece of shit though. Texting your best friends ex of almost 5 years the week after they have a nuclear break up confessing your unhealthy obsession from almost 6 years ago is disgusting. I was nice and all in my response because i thought my ex and her were doing it together as like a test of my character but i later found out it was just her disgusting ex best friend. And her reasoning as to why my ex shouldnt have gotten mad was “ive known you longer” no you dumb bitch youve known OF me longer. I didnt speak to you for 5 years you let this middle school crush go to your fucking head. I shared everything, heart and soul, with my ex for four almost 5 years and your disgusting selfish ass thinks you know me better cause we were locker mates in the 8th grade? Truly disgusting insane gross behavior. Anyways heres my exes music

#SoundCloud

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lunatic-fandom-space · 1 year

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Now that Im done reblogging posts, I wanted to write down this bizarre dream i had on hour ago

I went into this room where this short film was supposed to play, I think I was doing somwthing before that, like the dream didnt start there but I cant remember what it was I just had this vague feeling of not being in that room to watch that short film of my own free will. Then the film started and yknow how in movies when a charcter is meant to be watching something (thats gonna be important in some way probably) they dont just point the camera at the screen, theyll edit it in later in post? Yeah thats what my brain did, so the room was gone ane it was just my barely self aware consciousness and the short film. I dont remember the full title, i know it consisted of two words and the second one was Obligarch

It was animated and it had this very simple flat stickfigure-esque artstyle, kinda like those weird animations PragerU likes to use in their videos if they had more effort put into them and they had eyes and a mouth. It starts off with some guy who was as tall as a house, standing next to this quaint picturesque house that was on fire for some reason, and somehow turning it into this bland brick of an apartment complex with their bare hands. Behind him was another bland brick of a building, only this one was about four times as tall as the guy and I think it was an office building?? Anyway then this fucked up person(?) with wild hair (thats how you know theyre fucked up) whos like two heads taller than the guy shows up out of nowhere and angrily yells at the guy. The guy is like "I had a wonderful idea", gesturing to the apartment complex he was making that was still on fire btw despite him transforming it. The fucked up person gets even angrier and starts yelling like "PHONE BAD, BOOK GOOD" and adjecent stuff and then just picks the guy up and launches him into the sun while still yelling. Then we zoom in on the sun, which is a plain white sphere, and it starts getting pixelated and then the entire screen dissolves into white pixels

Then we somehow transsition from that into this pixelart-animated scene of the camera moving through space while a voiceover (very transparently done by the same VA as the guy and the fucked up person) explains smth like "The universe started anew and this time it would be better" while the camera moves past our (new?) earth to our moon, revealing that theres an identical smaller earth embedded in the moon, like with half of the smaller earth just sticking out while the other half was just fully in there. And then I woke up and it was like half an hour past midnight and even though there was nothing scary or really upsetting in that dream I woke up with this deep feeling of dread

#some personal shit

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