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toxxsystem · 2 years

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I was explaining to a singlet friend of mine how it can be possible to not know who's fronting and it got VERY long but I thought I'd post the ramble here!

TL;Dr: being a system involves experiencing a lot of selves whilst you think you're still just one, so it's kind of hard to tell who's who and sometimes you feel blurry and like you have no defining features like a name, gender, favourite colour or sense of how you look! And sometimes systemwide and individual dissociation makes that even more complicated.

Long rambly personal version from a message to a friend:

"Honestly it's understandable that you don't understand how it might feel to not know who's fronting! I'll try to explain as best I can because I can't sleep lol.

So the way being a system is explained to singlets is being multiple people in one body, so naturally you'd imagine multiple fully formed identities who are as sure of themselves as a singlet would be. Seeing as a singlet has never had to be like "hmm, am I still the same person I was yesterday?" There's a certain sense of sureness that comes along with identity, and never having to question it. But, as a system, there's the aspect of being multiple people yes, but there's also the historic experience of being a system whilst not knowing what a system is, and especially if you're a trauma based system there's probably a lot of dissociation and amnesia that's not specific to just who's fronting. So for example, we've spent a lot of our life having really inconsistent gender feelings, and chalked that up to being genderfluid. Now we know it's because we're a system, we use gender feelings to know who's fronting. But we weren't always aware of being a system so there was a long time we were just kind of vibing like that.

I'd say it's a very common system experience to sometimes have really clearly defined states of yes, absolutely, this is Chris fronting, I am sure of my name and gender feelings and how I have felt in the past when I've been fronting. But sometimes, we won't have any specific feelings or memories. In cases like how we've been currently, we might be so dissociated and blurry that we can hardly remember meeting new people or one day to the next, and it makes it really hard to figure out how many people are fronting, if we've switched at all, etc.

Also, if one person is fronting, but they're experiencing a heavy amount of depersonalisation or derealization, they might have the same feeling of a lack of identity that a singlet might get if they were feeling the same depersonalisation!

Sorry that this got long but I think it's a really interesting idea that once you realise a "self" is not always as simple as one person in one body, is raises questions of what even is a distinct self? Is it made up of current feelings about who you are, and what you remember about the past? For systems, that might get very inconsistent. And also, there's something called being "monoconcious". So, many systems ARENT monoconcious which means each headmate has their own conciousness, and might be able to remember their time in the inner world/headspace, and feel like they're waking up when they switch to the front. But some systems, like us are monoconcious, which means we all share the same conciousness. Switching to the front can feel much more like "becoming" a headmate rather than being someone who's switching in, because there's an almost constant linear awareness and shared memory whilst it's happening. So especially if memories are shared between headmates, it can be hard to distinguish if that's your memory or someone else's, your feelings or someone else's, and you might have defining features that help you figure out you are you, a specific headmate. But those defining features, like gender feelings, favourite colour, or a sense of how you look, will vary in how aware you are of them. Especially if you think about how a lot of did systems say what their system status achieved for much of their life was hiding past trauma from them, it makes sense that they have a blurry and messily-defined existence instead of a clean cut, definitely knowing who's fronting one— otherwise they'd probably notice they were multiple people a lot faster haha

I'm sorry this got so so long!!!"

Disclaimer: I might not have defined monoconcious properly, this is all based on my personal understanding and me trying to explain stuff to a singlet pal who's a great ally!

#system #plural system #pluralgang #dissociation #monoconcious #monoconcious system #singlet ally #fronting #switching #how it feels to not know whos fronting #queer system

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abysshydra · 5 days

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Hellooo... Wanted to reach because of your tags on post.

Honestly, asking your comfort character to help isn't sign of faking and just imagining it. Tho it can feel blurry, yes, since it all happens in your brain, and you're very used to think you're in control, even if you don't.

If it works for you, it's good! Defining him as imaginary may help you (have more control, less anxiety, etc), or not. Defining him as headmate may help too (with communication, connection, making him more separate, and communicating with your body or needs). Or not. Every person is unique! I know traumagenic systems (few even) where they got their most comfort character as a headmate, and it helped them to survive very rough, dark times. They didn't front, and wasn't typical alter.

And there is the fact, that, yeah, our brain can know, what to do, already. But it needs to get out there somehow. Brain is like a hardware - may need help with settings, data restoration, viruses, etc. And headmates can help with it, as other user would.

Even singlet, as a person, is created by brain to help body survive, and grow, they're mental construct of the brain. Headmates aren't less just because they aren't so different from the start, or don't front as much, etc. They may be here for same purpose, and help accomplish it. Sometimes one mental construct brain constructed (from birth) need help and don't accomplish as much, and brain creates new one, to help, and communicate things first one can't figure out. Using comfort character talking included. And it's helps many, to not belittle and trust them, because they, in some cases, not having all same memories and emotions as you, can notice patterns, other ways to solve problem you'd never be able to figure up yourself as fast, or without help. And you don't even need to go out of house or pay for it, just ask, trust them, and listen!

Wanna hear a funny thing about us? I have intrusive scenario thoughts, almost daily. Not like, distressing, related to my issues, fears, or insecurities. And i don't intentionally imagine it.

where i try to comfort some random person i can't even see in this scenario, about thing that stresses them (not me! Ex: i can comfort someone about being insecure about not getting gf almost for 10 minutes, while I already have long, happy relationships). It ain't someone who i know, or fav character. Probably somewhere in multiverse Tarn got this going on too. Who knows.

It feels so weird reading it when he's ominously watching from behind our back, as if he's gonna kick me (gently) if I let a single doubt into my mind, lol.

Honestly, our intrusive scenarios are usually random moments of arguing with someone, and at night I rarely make consciously something related to falling asleep or going unconscious, depending on my mood. Just asking someone for help, especially my comfort character wasn't something I did if ever. More than that, Tarn WASN'T my comfort character, I just kinda liked him, I would've expected anyone else but him.

And he usually appeared only to replace me in physical front to go through physical work like walking. Mind you, I assumed I was just taking his characteristics and something. Literally, no idea why and how I thought "I like his style" just out of nowhere, why I didn't question it before, lol.

I still don't remember when we came to a conclusion that he IS our headmate, it kinda just flew out of our radar. He kinda started joining to break us from front in conflicts or notify others about my absence in front, only then I started calling him, although I don't remember exact times when I did that.

He is very different from me as a person. Now if I try to think of him as imaginary I just get slapped with a feeling like I am insulting him. I mean, we were always hit with people ignoring everyone and focusing on host, so it is something that triggers us sometimes.

I completely missed the point of my rant, but, anyway, yeah, it wasn't a sign of faking us being a system, I just thought it was because I was (and sometimes still am) in a denial. You know... It kinda just shows how actually blurry the line between singlets and multiples is.

#abyss asks #unit: camil

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writingpaperghost · 7 months

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Actually, wait, another thing I keep doing with Kamen Rider, though it would also still work with Ultraman, I just haven't done it, is going "man, wouldn't it suck if they stop being entirely human?". Because apparently that's a train of thought I'm at least mildly obsessed with.

It's... I dunno, I guess it's just very interesting to me, on top of just a good way to make characters suffer.

When I was writing There is a Me Who Can Become Strong, Ex-Aid already had people dying and Coming Back Wrong. Having people stop being human. Ex-Aid itself doesn't directly address that, but it obviously wouldn't be easy to adjust, for Kiriya at least. I didn't really go into it too much either, I'd say, but I always have wanted to, particularly with Emu and Parad. Something about Emu being more a Bugster, and Parad more a human. Honestly, I still have some stuff I want to write for it, so it's likely it will come up more, eventually.

And on the topic of Ex-Aid... My Heart Betrays the Better of Me, while I haven't written to that point, I know by sometime during Chronicle, no longer being human is important. A source of a lot of pain and turmoil, though certainly not the sole source.

With Blur the Line, having humanity ripped away from him, in a painful way at a young age, is a very big part of Shin's... well, everything. He had his entire old life taken away, and soon, all he really knew was the Roidmudes, that old life just a hazy memory. A name and a blurry face.

Surprisingly, Without You is more chill about it. No one really stops being human. They're just... not entirely human. But honestly, barring Tamaki's feelings about it, no one really has a problem with it, or ever has too many hang ups. Though it could be said that it aids Makoto in his tendency to view himself too badly, despite the fact his traits are not visible. But Makoto's got some issues.

And that's just the stuff that I've written some for (there's this one Revice AU I have that also has it, but I have literally never talked or written about it. I should talk about it sometime).

#talking paper ghost #kamen rider

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virtual-luvr · 4 years

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˗ˏˋMary, Midari, and Runa with an s/o who is a ghostˎˊ˗

Pronouns: gender neutral; they/them

Warnings: cussing. mentions of death, murder, suicide and a g>n-

Note: request by @massivewolfpandaknight thank you so much i love writing for kakegurui especially these girls!! Also marys is longer then all the other ones sorry😔 i tried to have more fun with this request too so i hope its still good :(

-----------

Mary Saotome

First off, you met because of Yumeko

She was dragging you all over the school and at one point it was pissing you off so much you just decided to work your ~ghostly~ magic and get out of her grip

As shes lecturing you on acting normal, you're just staring at her with a black expression

"I dont see the problem"

"The problem is that we dont want everyone knowing your DEAD" she says ending her sentence with a sinister smile

It lowkey creeped you out

So you let out a sigh and give her a, "fine but dont drag me around like you did at our old school"

You actually died at the old school you used to go but you didn't have to stick at the school, you could go where ever

There weren't any boundaries lets say

So when Yumeko moved schools she dragged you with her and here you were now, pretending like you were still alive and not dead at all~

While you both were in deep conversation Mary came barging in asking "who in the hell is this bitch"

Sighing at her rude attitude you flick her forehead, your cold finger almost giving her a brain freeze and she stood in shock for a second.

"Who do you think you are" she says crossing her arms

What were you supposed to say to that, "a ghost???"

You mimic her actions and words in a high pitch voice

Yeah your relationship didn't start on the right foot

But hey after that whole meeting, you and Mary spent quite a long time together

Even though you fought a few times since her ego was so massive at the start of your relationship

But after a while she started opening up to you more and being nicer

Even going as far to be more affectionate to you and Yumeko noticed fast

Seeing as you were, very, oblivious

And didn't think anybody wanted to date you because you're a ghost, you thought nothing over her new actions towards you

At one point Yumeko just grabs you, brings you into a room, and tells you the truth

"Mary likes you, are you stupid? Oblivious or something? Go get her"

And as soon as you were in the room, you were out

As you stumbled out the door, Yumeko walking out calmly after you, Mary finds you

She looks between you and Yumeko, rasing her brow

Before leaving Yumeko says "no, nothing happened" winking at Mary and running away

You're still lowkey shocked at what Yumeko said

If you were alive, you'd probobly be blushing right now

"Heyyy Mary"

"What was that all about?" She asks, her cheeks puffed up a tiny bit

"Oh, it was nothing we were just talking"

"Didn't seem like just talking.." She mutters under her breath but you caught it

"Are you jealous??" You snicker out, getting closer to Mary step by step

As you walk closer and closer you basically have her pinned to the wall, blushing she just looks away from you

You smirk and give her a cheek a peck

She looks back with a shocked look on her face before giving you a smirk too

"Idiot, you missed"

Y'all kiss after that-

Honestly, she really doesent care that you're, dead-

She really likes when you pat her head or scratch her scalp since your fingers are cold

Flicking her forehead actually became a habit too-

You also have scheduled gambles and she gets mad at you if you say no sometimes

Midari Ikishima

To be honest, at first you wanted nothing to do with Midari

But she just kept on talking to you and annoying you

And even though the memory is blurry and hazy somewhere in between begging you to gamble with her and her being by your side twenty four seven

You started to get less annoyed by her

In the midst of starting a friendship with that girl you told her you were actually

And when you saw that glint in her eyes you got w o r r i e d

She almost tried to commit not alive on the spot

You screamed

Your reflexes were good enough and you took the g>n out of her hands

You tried to push her away but she fell on top of you in the process

Knowing her you knew she was going to say something that will not do good for you

So you panic and accidently go through the floor

You can hear her hit the floor even through the thick floor, it made you laugh but you wont tell her that

When you go back into the room shes actually knocked out

Did she really hit the floor that hard-

Either way you grab her unconscious body and take care of her until shes back on her feet

For once in your (after) "life" you see Midari calm

It was a very weird sight

She made you gamble with her once too

Never again.

You somehow one and she got too excited waiting for whatever punishment was going to happen next, she was on top of you at one point

You've also caught her in...compromising positions and you've ran out of that situation as fast as you could

She dreams of the day she can actually get you alone without you running away

It happened once, and that was the day you guys actually got together

She cornered you and you forgot all about your ghostly abilities for once

She pushes up to you and puts her face right in front of your face

"Why do you panic so much"

..what in the hell-

Since she's only met with your silence and your eyes aren't even meeting hers she gets a little impatient

She bonks you on the head with her g>n, not very lightly may i add

And as you open your mouth to protest she takes this opportunity to kiss you. After all shes been crushing on you for so long, not like you noticed though

You thought she chased everyone around

Im not going to act like the kiss went too smoothly, your teeth crashed with hers before you pulled away to give her an actual kiss

You grab her chin and give her a proper kiss this time, her g>n making a soft thud when it fell on the ground but you didn't pay much mind to it

After that she tries to kiss you as much as possible, sometimes more then kissing even when there are people around

Shes like one of those kids you have to put the animal backpack leashes, yeah you always need to check up on her before she does a disaster

When you joke about it she doesn't take it as a joke

So next time you see her at school with a leash in her hands you run away immediately

Runa Yomozuki

You guys met when she caught you trying to watch a gambling fight and didn't recognize you as a student there.

You guys met eyes and you just sat there like, "...hi :D"

She immediately starts questioning you, lollipop still in her mouth and you could barely understand half of the words she was saying-

When she notices you don't even care and you're just staring at the candy in her mouth she sighs and grabs another lollipop from her pockets

She hears you softly mutter, "i haven't had these in ages", shes a little confused

You just look up innocently and say, "oh im dead", when she gives you a questioning gaze

You're surprised when she doesn't start doubting your words-

She just goes "oh, makes sense" and walks away

You just sit there like, ?????

Also you might not have any taste buds

But you're still addicted to those lollipops

Anyways after that you make it your goal to annoy her as much as possible

And you do

For a few months actually

She usually shuts you up with a lollipop sometimes you annoy her by making the lollipop pass right through you

At one point she takes on a different method to shut you up and kisses your cheek, you sat there for a second and malfunctioned

She giggles at your reaction and does it a lot more

Doesent matter how many times she does it, you never get used to it

Your relationship kind of just blossomed

You guys didn't even notice any of it until one day you were staring at each other and kissed and you both just went "okay well we're dating now"

Everyone else barely knew about you so when they see Rona and you just kissing they're so confused

Rona doesn't even explain and you don't bother too either

She finds it funny

She giggles a little when you give her kisses since your lips are just as cold as you are

She now has to get even more candy since you both are obsessed and you steal her candy from her too

You pay back in kisses though

She likes it that way😌

She also likes to join you in scaring the students of the school

You guys do it in various ways but there are some that you like more

For example, sometimes she starts talking to someone and youll randomly appear right behind her and somehow that scares some of the students to death

Another one of your favorites is hiding behind a corner together and just waiting for people nearby and then yelling in their faces

Usually she goes first and after the person has calmed down you chime in and yell in their face too

[1699 words; aug/10/2020]

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