Effortless Ch. 3: Spirals, Ghosts and Buckfast
One / Two / Three / Four / Five / Six / Seven (completed fic)
(Completed fic at Ao3, posting to tumblr with a few minor edits)
Summary: After moving to England to live with Tessa and Jem, Kit ends up attending a local sixth form college alongside his Shadowhunter training.
Featuring- a charming but slightly broken Kit, typical teen drama, mundane friendships, pop culture references, Carstairs-Gray family moments, a rotating cast of our favourite Shadowhunters as guest tutors and of course, some unacknowledged pining for one Ty Blackthorn.
Wordcount: 6,490 words for this chapter
Rating: Teen, this chapter: depression spirals, drinking as means to cope with depression, brief mentions of racism
CHAPTER THREE: SPIRALS, GHOSTS AND BUCKFAST
December-April 2014
It took almost until almost the end of Emma’s visit for her and Kit to have the conversation he had been dreading.
They were finishing up a sparring match on the raised platform in the training room. Kit could feel the recently applied Deflect and Stamina Marks on his shoulders burning as he jumped back while Emma drove forward through his weakening defensive stance.
“Boop,” she said, tapping his nose.
Kit batted her away, and dropped his two training sticks. “Yield, I yield,” he said, pushing back the sweaty hair that was sticking to his forehead.
Despite the cold December day, they were both wearing tanktops. Kit saw with some satisfaction that Emma also had beads of sweat gathering on her forehead, although she wasn’t breathing as hard as he was. She looked more like she had a healthy glow, like she had just finished a light yoga class, rather than two punishing hours of calisthenics, climbing practice and several sparring bouts. Plus he had taken her on his running route earlier in the morning. Disgusting, he thought. But he felt proud he had kept up to her pace until now.
He flopped onto the ground of the platform, reaching down to grab his water bottle.
When he rolled back up, he could see Emma had sat cross-legged a few feet in front of him, a serious look in her eyes, as she leaned on one of the training sticks as it supported her steepled hands underneath her chin. “So… Kit,” she said.
“What?” Kit asked. “Do I have food caught in my teeth from breakfast- you’re supposed to tell someone about that, pretty sure that’s in the warrior code-” He was suddenly nervous.
“Why didn’t you say goodbye to us before you left?” Emma asked softly. “You just… left.”
And there it was. Kit felt like the air was closing in around him, a fraction of what he had felt that day on the fields outside Idris, when he had made the Riders of Mannan’s horses disappear -- to save his and Emma’s lives, when he had first been told about the First Heir. He stared at her.
“I- uh,” his voice caught.
Emma waited but when it was clear he wasn’t going to say anything further, she dropped her gaze. “I think some of it has something to do with the battle,” she said. “And what happened with the Riders-” she said. “That’s my suspicion. Don’t forget, I was there, and despite what happened… afterwards, I still remember the start.”
Kit wished his poker face was better as he knew he let a small grimace cross his face.
“And I suspect you’re not able to tell me more,” she said, studying him.
“I can’t - but maybe someday, Emma,” Kit said, relieved that she was focused on that aspect.
She nodded. “I get that. Jem told me something similar. But Julian also thought it might have to do with the prior events too…” Terror seized Kit’s heart. Julian and Emma had been discussing him?
“With your dad dying in front of you. And Livvy dying so soon after,” Emma continued.
Kit wished his eyes would stop watering, and that his heart would stop pounding. “I- yeah, I mean, I was fine eventually,” he said roughly.
“You don’t have to be,” Emma said, reaching out to grab his hand briefly. Kit wished she would stop- maybe some of that was true but he had also been a complete failure of a human, and Ty was still unreachable to him and Livvy was still an undead ghost…
He had missed the next part of her speech. “And… speaking as someone part of the dead parents club, I totally get throwing yourself into something else to try and just live.”
“How did it work for you?” he interrupted.
Emma smiled a crooked, knowing smile. “I lived only for revenge for five years and then fell in forbidden love with my parabatai and became a giant burning angel… So while I guess it eventually turned out, I think you’re probably currently in the lead on the better coping mechanisms by fleeing the country and trying out mundane high school,” she said. “And hooking up with mundane girls- I see you have a taste in violent girls if that Ellie girl is anything to go by. She looked like she wanted to murder me.”
“College,” Kit corrected absently. “And she’s not my girlfriend.”
Emma waved a hand. “My point stands. But you know- when you’re ready, you should come visit us again- I know we’d all love to see you, especially Ty and D-”
“I doubt Ty would actually care,” Kit said harshly, suddenly tired of the conversation. He stood up. “Thanks, Emma. I’ll think about it. I’m going to go have a shower before lunch. I’ll see you there.”
He hopped off the platform and crossed the room, hoping Emma wouldn’t follow him and try to press her point.
She didn’t. And she didn’t bring the topic up again during the remainder of her visit. Kit held his breath the day Julian visited but luckily he had been delayed even further than anticipated wrapping up business in London, so was only able to visit briefly on the last afternoon, to join in on a Sunday roast lunch before he and Emma planned to head back to Los Angeles.
Kit skulked around in the kitchen most of the afternoon, not wanting to be ambushed by another conversation with Emma or start one with Julian. He offered his assistance to Tessa, who seemed both amused and suspicious of Kit’s sudden sous-chef interest.
He suddenly had a thought and texted Ellie in between peeling carrots and parsnips. U in for a sunday roast at mine? id say i fancied pizza but id rather u r here to help me eat it
Ellie was over like a shot. “I got your back,” she told him grandly, as she swept in from the drizzly day.
The resulting mealtime was stilted but both Julian and Emma just seemed mildly amused at the mundane conversation, while Tessa and Jem were confused at why Ellie was suddenly there but realised they couldn’t disinvite her without appearing impolite.
“You have many other hot ‘family members’ that are planning on dropping by? Ellie asked, after they had finished lunch. They were lurking by the front door, Ellie getting ready to leave. “I didn’t notice anything super culty, I mean- they seem a bit out of touch with pop culture and politics but nice enough. Can’t say I minded the eye candy though-- what do they put in the water over there?” She lifted eyebrows appreciatively.
“Oh- you mean Julian,” Kit said. “Yeah- I ah, wouldn’t. Emma’s pretty handy with a sw- knife, I mean words,” he said. “And no, I don’t think there will be others anytime soon.”
Ellie gave him an odd look as she waved good-bye.
Kit closed the door, and turned around, and started. Julian was there, lounging like a dark panther in one of the alcoves, arms crossed casually.
“Hey, Julian,” Kit said, nervously.
Julian smiled. “Hey- I just wanted to say goodbye. Sorry we couldn’t catch up further but we promised Dru we’d be back in time before she returned from the Academy.”
His blue-green eyes were as piercing and perceptive as ever, looking at Kit. But Kit couldn’t detect any anger in Julian’s face and he relaxed fractionally.
“Yeah, too bad we didn’t have more time,” Kit mumbled.
Julian’s gaze passed over him and Kit tried to avoid squirming. He worried Julian could still read the situation with Ty, around raising Livvy, on his face. “I know Emma’s already extended the invite to you to visit- and I just wanted to repeat it. Despite how everything ended, you should know you’re always welcome at the L.A. Institute, if you ever want it.”
Kit’s heart squeezed, and he couldn’t resist asking. “Thanks. How is… everyone?”
A shadow passed briefly across Julian’s face before he controlled it. “We’re getting by,” he said simply. “But it’s not been easy. Some days are hard. I imagine you’ve experienced something similar.”
“Yeah.”
They both fell silent at that, acknowledging the chasm of grief that was always there, and the struggle not to tip over the precipice. Kit resisted the urge to ask about Ty.
Then Jem came to tell them the tea was ready, and Kit was suddenly glad that soon it would just be back to him, Tessa and Mina in Cirenworth.
Except it wasn’t. A week later, on Boxing Day, there was a large bang in one of the upstairs rooms, and two minutes later, Magnus, Alec, their two kids, and Jace and Clary piled downstairs, and Kit suddenly remembered the previous year, when they had also dropped in to exchange presents and ‘escape the hell that is New York ahead of New Year’s Eve’, according to Magnus.
Last year he had enjoyed the visit, as it was a break from the monotony of the grey December days. While he tried to enjoy this year’s Christmas activities and visitors, the tired feeling that had been growing over the past week was dragging at him. Probably he had been doing too much training, he thought. Emma had run him a bit ragged, plus he had had end of term coursework to finish in the evenings up until the break for Christmas.
While Alec, Magnus and the kids ate shortbread cookies in the grand visiting parlour, he showed Clary and Jace the training room, and caught them up on the past few months.
“Mundane high school- how’s it going?” Jace asked, with an easygoing grin. “I don’t know if you know this but I bet Jem you’d-” he stopped as Clary elbowed him in the ribs.
“I think it’s great,” Clary said firmly. “I wish I had finished my GED.”
“Yeah, it’s good,” Kit said, not wanting to get into it. “Hey- let me show you some of the weapons Jem and I found in the attic. We’re sorting them to see if they can be restored.” He directed Jace over to a cache of ancient weapons that he knew would at least spark a good half hour’s worth of conversation. Jace’s eyes lit up, and Kit mentally revised the time upwards to at least an hour.
The rest of the visit from the New York Shadowhunters was uneventful and dare he say it… fun. After a quiet but peaceful Christmas Day with Jem, Tessa, the following days were filled with children shrieking down Cirenworth’s halls - Mina included - and the warmth of company kept days busy with countryside walks, gentle training (too much food to do anything else), and games like charades and pictionary that were filled with laughter and comfortable conversations. It was so saccharine at times it almost gave Kit a toothache, despite his love of sweet things.
He remembered Christmas’ past in Los Angeles, his dad barely doing anything to mark the occasion, maybe getting a discount wreath to hang on the door, ordering Chinese food on Christmas day, and Kit pretty much forgetting it was the holiday season, save for the homeless people wandering past with Santa hats.
He was fairly sure which Christmas he preferred.
The only major downbeat to the period was when he passed by the conservatory near the end of the visit. Magnus and Tessa were talking in low tones, and he heard his name mentioned. “- job keeping Kit safe-”
He paused near the glass door, trying to eavesdrop while keeping out of sight. “The wards haven’t tripped since early summer,” Magnus said. “That’s good, at least?”
“Yes, it is- and the initial alarm was only triggered by a couple small piskies who were easily scared away.” But there was a doubtful tone to Tessa’s confirmation. “I just don’t trust it.” Kit could hear her walking across the stone tiles, as if pacing, and he shrank back. “But I also recognise we can’t live always looking over our shoulder.”
“No- you have to carry on,” Magnus agreed. “But I agree. It’s strange that there hasn’t been any further whispers from the Seelie and Unseelie courts.”
“We earned a reprieve due to the upheaval in Faerie with Kieran taking the throne- probably many alliances are being made or broken to adapt to this unexpected situation. I don’t expect it to last but it has bought us some time.” Kit had rarely heard Tessa sound so strategic, and he remembered how she had once, long ago, been married to the head of the London Institute and helped him run the London Enclave.
“Are you and Kit exploring his powers?”
There was silence. “Not yet,” said Tessa. “He needs time… to deal with his grief, to find himself. And he’s still training with Jem - and going to his mundane school. I plan to start him soon- but he’s still so young- fragile in many ways.”
“I know, Tessa. That’s the trouble with Shadowhunters though- and you know this as well as I do. We saw it for Will, for James… and for others who didn’t have the happiest of endings,” Magnus’s voice was gentle. “They don’t usually get that chance to be young and carefree before they have to face their battles. All we can do is make sure they are prepared as much as they can be.”
Kit crept away before they spotted him. He knew he would have to face the music about the First Heir stuff but the way that Magnus and Tessa spoke about him- their faith in him to survive whatever was going to come after him… well, it wasn’t exactly inspiring, was it? Maybe he should just focus on enjoying the time he had right now, given his non-likely future.
The hollow, deadening feeling that had been creeping in at the edges widened, and Kit pushed it away.
--
The first two weeks of January term passed in a blur of drizzle, darkness and cranky teachers who used to smile at his witty remarks now staring and ordering him to pay attention. Kit stared at his alarm clock each morning, watching it tick over until seven am, and he had to get up in order to not be late for college. He stopped going out for his usual runs. He heard Mina cry out a couple mornings and he knew that he could get her easily, but he stayed in bed until he could hear Mina instantly quiet from Jem’s soothing greetings, ignoring the guilty feeling building in his chest.
Kit knew he was spiralling and he was scared about descending back into the fugue state that had defined most of the previous winter. And his nightmares were intensifying - almost nightly he now had a front row seat to his dad, Ty, Tessa, Jem and Mina getting eaten and torn apart by mantid demons.
The frustrating thing, Kit thought, was that he was perfectly aware of how messed up he was, but he just couldn’t figure out how to snap out of it.
Until Harriet Ketterly’s party, that is.
In all my dreams before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.
If in some smothering dreams, you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil’s sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,—
Kit intoned with style, and then looked over. “Something something, Dulce et decorum est.”
“That’s deep,” Ellie said, listlessly. “Do you think I could find some mustard gas for Jack?” she asked in a darker tone. Ellie had broken up with Jack two days prior and was still in the depths of the breakup. She handed him another bottle of smirnoff and Kit took a big swig. They were sitting on a deep sofa in Harriet’s fancy front room, with Kit trying out some sarcastic running commentary as various members of the Drama club passed by. He also decided to liven it up with some of the World War One poems he had memorised for their English Literature’s poetry module. It had nothing to do with the fact he sometimes thought of a certain Blackthorn, who might appreciate the solemnity of the poems and...
“Hey, Kit-” Ade said, snapping his fingers in front of Kit’s face. “Eamonn was looking for you.”
“What?” Kit sat up. “Oh- I was supposed to-” Something, he was supposed to do something. He took Ade’s helping hand, but swayed suddenly as he stood up. Oh yeah, that was it- he had a running date to meet up with Eamonn at Harriet’s party. Oops.
“Whoa, you’re definitely pissed,” Ade watched him with friendly interest.
“Here-” Ellie handed him a green bottle, suddenly perkier. “You have a chance but not if you’re completely sloshed. This isn’t a cure but it could help.”
Kit looked at the bottle. “Buckfast? Isn’t this the medicinal wine sold by those monks down the road?”
“Yeah,” Ellie said. “And it has a ton of caffeine in it. It’ll give you the liquid courage you need to go get your boy.”
Ade looked skeptical but he didn’t argue, just pointed the way he had last seen Eamonn.
It didn’t help him get Eamonn - Kit had missed his chance, as he could see Eamonn trying to negotiate with Harriet over a clearly vomitous Ben… but he did appreciate the feelings a few drafts of Buckfast could give. A deadening of feelings and emotions but also, an energy boost to get shit done.
So, he helped himself to a few of the leftover bottles. Purely as an evening nightcap, he thought.
--
And though the taste was foul, he found himself pouring some of it into his evening tea each night throughout the rest of January and into early February. It allowed him to finish his homework, help Tessa with tidying up from dinner, and play a couple hours of video games, with the caffeine usually wearing off afterwards, enough for at least a couple hours of dreamless sleep.
But mornings were tough, and looking at the growing bags under his puffy eyes, Kit wondered if it was worth it. And training was relentless with Jem continuing to ratchet up the challenge by moving on to teaching him about the various specialty weapons that Shadowhunters of the past had used.
“Kit- are you hurt?” Jem quickly set down the chaliker he had been holding, making his way over to Kit.
Kit winced as he looked down at the shallow cut on his collarbone, slicing his shirt open. He had stumbled and forget to block as Jem had come in from the side- a stupid mistake and an unusual one, given they had been training now for more than six months.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” Kit said, dabbing at the blood, pushing Jem away as he bent to look at the cut.
Jem straightened up and Kit thought he could see a hint of suspicion cross his face. Kit suddenly wondered if he had been able to smell the Buckfast that had been quickly downed before the session - it had only been enough to give him a small buzz. He drew a quick, graceful iratze on Kit’s neck with his stele, and Kit could feel the small burn as the cuts sealed up.
Jem stepped back, assessing his work. “Let’s finish here for the evening. You look tired. Perhaps you should head to bed early,” he suggested.
Kit nodded and slunk away.
--
It should’ve been an easy job, lifting a couple bottles. But Kit had gotten soft since coming to England, and he was out of practice shoplifting.
“Oi, you there-” the florid-faced cashier came hurrying after Kit.
Kit continued to casually stroll out the door but there were several elderly shoppers congregating at the entrance of the Sainsburys and he wasn’t about to push past them. He might be a shoplifter but he wasn’t a monster.
He turned around, plastering what he hoped was an innocent smile on his face, preparing to BS his way out. But he was suddenly flustered as Tessa came out of nowhere, and he could feel her gently pulling out the two bottles he had hidden.
“Thank you for getting the wine, darling,” she said, her voice slightly too loud. He started to speak but the small shake of her head and look on her face warned him to be quiet and or to risk all hell breaking loose. She handed a wiggling Mina to him.
He stood there, letting Mina play with his hair, while Tessa spoke to the cashier and returned to pay for the Buckfast and the whisky he had grabbed.
When she returned, Tessa’s lips were in a thin line but she didn’t raise her voice as she told him. “Get in the car, Christopher.”
On the way back to Cirenworth, Kit kept sneaking glances over to Tessa, who appeared to be deep in thought, her brow furrowed, as they drove on the narrow roads back home.
Feelings of shame rolled over him, and he stared out the window. He knew he should apologise but he couldn’t find the energy to get the words out.
As they exited the car, Tessa moved around to get Mina, and when she stood up, she finally spoke. “You’re… grounded,” she told him. “You can go to college and then home- no going to Ellie’s or Ade’s or anyone else’s house.”
“Fine,” Kit said flatly. “I don’t care.”
He stomped across the gravel and into the house.
--
That evening, as Kit returned to the kitchen for his third round of cookies, he could hear Jem and Tessa speaking in low voices nearby. Kit crept closer, and was rewarded by finding out that indeed, they were talking about him.
“I’m just worried.” He heard Tessa say. “I know this is a stage… but- I can’t help but remember what happened with James and-” she sighed heavily.
“There’s no magic bracelet this time,” Jem said. “And although it was a trying time, James got through it, with some scars, admittedly- but Kit isn’t facing the same situation.”
“But with Matthew too…” The sorrow in Tessa’s voice startled Kit, and he strained to remember who Matthew was in the long list of dead Shadowhunters that he had tried to memorise.
“This isn’t history repeating itself,” Jem reassured her. “But let me try- I have an idea that might get through to him.”
--
“We’re going on a drive,” Jem told him, the next day- a Saturday - as Kit shuffled down to breakfast.
“Thanks but I’m good,” Kit said. “I’m busy.” He yawned as he poured himself an extra large bowl of Crunchy Nut cereal. He passed over an extra spoon to Mina and they had their tiny, regular Jedi fight before she grew bored and threw the spoon off her chair and returned to eating a rusk.
He thought the matter closed, until Jem returned with his coat, a seraph blade, and small, antique globe that Kit had never seen before, and placed it beside him on the table.
“We’re training. It’s not optional,” Jem said, and Kit heard the quiet thread of steel in his calm voice.
Kit rolled his eyes but he complied and went to get changed.
They bumped along narrow roads heading into Dartmoor, the grey sky overhead, and the lingering fog throwing the scenery around them into a dim portrait that made everything seem unreal, as if reality was fading at the edges.
Jem stopped the car, in what seemed to be the middle of nowhere. Rolling hills, peppered with large boulders stretched out in every direction. “Hey- if this is about the drinking- you know you didn’t have to bring me out this far to hide my body- pretty sure Cirenworth’s gardens are big enough,” Kit said, trying to make light of the situation.
“What are you-” Jem gave him a strange look, and then unbuckled his seatbelt. “Come, let’s get some of the equipment out of the boot.”
“What are we doing?” Kit finally asked, as they opened up the trunk - or the ‘boot’.
“Ghosthunting,” Jem said, his eyes scanning the small array of gleaming weapons and arcane items in front of them. Kit recognised some from his Shadow Market days.
“Oh, of course-” Kit said, trying but failing to keep the sarcasm out of his voice.
“It’s a skill you’ll need to know,” Jem told him. “Not all fights will be with demons.” He started handing several items for Kit to add to his weapons belt. He started explaining each one, and despite his annoyance, Kit found he was listening intently.
But his passing good mood soon turned sour, as they hiked further and further into the hills and the light drizzle turned into a steadier downpour. Kit was cold, and tired and very much over this whole Shadowhunter thing.
“Is this a punishment?” he asked Jem. “Cause of what happened with Tessa at the supermarket? C’mon- you guys knew when I came to stay with you that I had a klepto streak.”
Jem looked over at him, rain streaking down his calm, passive face. “No, it’s not a punishment.”
“Then what are we doing?” Kit asked, frustration starting to spill over.
“We-” and then suddenly Jem stopped, and Kit could see why. Ahead in the mist, three huge, hulking figures were emerging over the hill.
He could see the Anglo Saxon warriors moving down, and while he knew that they physically were unlikely to be able to hurt him, particularly given the equipment they carried, it was cold comfort. One of the Ghosts turned his gaze on Kit, and on his blackened face with milky white eyes Kit could read a murderous expression. He gulped.
“Use the Astronas and filiker, Kit,” Jem warned him, as the ghosts approached.
Kit set up a fighting stance, trying desperately to blink the oncoming rain out of his eyes.
“Well… that was...,” Jem said, at a loss for words, in the aftermath. He looked over at Kit, who was lying about twenty feet away, from where one of the ghosts had thrown him. “How did you find your first unfriendly ghost encounter? Dartmoor is full of them, so if you want to try again- I know another one around three miles further on. You did well for your first one but practice is essential so-”
“No. No, this was not fun,” Kit fumed. He picked up his scattered weapons and stood up. “You’re fucking mental, Jem! What was this supposed to be, some kind of weird intervention? You’re not my Dad- you’re never going to be. And I’m not some Will clone either- so just… fuck off, and leave me alone,” he spat out.
Jem stood there, his face in shock.
Kit stalked off, not caring.
He had barely made it five minutes down the road before he realised his mistake, and frantically pulled relics off his weapons’ belt as three more Saxon warriors closed in on him. Kit closed his eyes and started praying.
But suddenly Jem was there, with deadly grace and almost superhuman speed, quickly dispatching the ghosts.
“Shall we go home?” Jem asked, raising his voice above the rising, howling wind.
“Yeah,” Kit said in a small, defeated voice.
--
“I’m sorry,” Jem said, and he shucked off his wet overcoat, sweater, and then feeling his plain t-shirt, stripped that off as well, his lightly tanned skin pimpling with goosebumps, old, faded Shadowhunter scars scattered white around his upper body.
He and Kit had returned to Cirenworth and were immediately banished by Tessa to the laundry room to change out of their soaked clothes.
“What?” Kit was still in a less than forgiving mood. He also stripped off his wet shirt and grabbed his Avengers t-shirt from the pile of clean clothes.
“I erm-” In the dim light, Kit thought he could detect a faint blush on Jem’s cheeks. “I’m not trying to compare you but.. Will used to get in these same types of moods, and often a ghost hunt in Highgate Cemetery would help him. It would provide some distraction.”
Kit stared at him. “You’re serious.”
“Yes, I thought it would cheer you up. But I was mistaken… so I am apologising,” Jem said. “You’re going through some serious issues and I wanted to help. But I clearly misunderstood.”
Kit sighed. “Wow- it’s nice to know you don’t always have the perfect solution or that you can also be wrong. Nice to see that you have character flaws.”
Jem frowned.
“It’s just- like, you’re Saint Jem,” Kit said, pulling off his waterlogged boots but he was starting to feel weirdly warm and fuzzy towards Jem. “You’re basically perfect from what I’ve seen and heard- even when you were younger, never losing your temper, never saying the wrong things. Not like me- who’s just… messy. Emotional.”
“Hmm,” Jem said, and the solemn look on his face started to dissolve. “I was a Silent Brother for well over a hundred years, don’t forget. And you become far removed from human emotion when you become one. That experience doesn’t fade easily.”
He looked over at Kit. “But I’ve never been unemotional when I was… more human. Before and after being a Silent Brother. At least, I don’t think so. And I have been upset- angry at situations and reacted to them. Don’t forget, Will Herondale was my parabatai. I spent my teenage years becoming very used to dealing with the outcomes of his... encounters, and we created many together.” He let a wry smile cross his face. “I was almost always the one to de-escalate them though, so I had plenty of practice. But I couldn’t always control my emotions- and I did let them slip out.”
“How- by cracking a frown on that beautiful face? A small moue of disappointment?”
Jem laughed. “There was one time I punched Will in the face.” He paused, reminiscing. “And then that same night… I made out with Tessa in my bedroom for the first time.”
Kit grinned at Jem’s slip into modern slang. “Damn- that’s pretty good. What did Will do to make you punch him?”
“Tessa and I found him in an opium den.”
Kit’s mouth opened and closed. “What?! You guys came down so hard on me for even just drinking Buckfast a few times a week. Not fair - at least I’m not doing heavy drugs.”
“That Buckfast drink is a poison,” Jem said with a vehemence that startled Kit, but the moment passed quickly and Jem shrugged. “Yes- I suppose I have become less flexible - or I’ve gotten out of the practice of dealing with Herondales.”
He paused. “You are your own person, though, Kit. I don’t see you as a Will replacement. I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel otherwise.”
“Yeah, I know,” Kit said, still embarrassed over that insult. “I’m sorry I said that. That being said- I kind of wish I had known him. Will. I feel like he would definitely get me.”
“He would have,” Jem said, the fond smile that always appeared whenever he spoke about Will, playing on his face. He continued. “You two would’ve been the death of me- but I still would’ve enjoyed every last one of my last moments.”
--
The fight with Jem seemed to be a catalyst. Shortly after, Kit apologised to Tessa for the shoplifting and offered to make it up to her by offering to watch her favourite Pride and Prejudice version (the six hour BBC miniseries) and he felt like the heavy air in Cirenworth was finally clearing.
But he still found it hard to get through the dark, dreary English winter days, especially without the crutch of alcohol. But the solution to that piece of the puzzle remained missing until nearly the beginning of March.
“What’s up with you, man?” Kit asked finally, watching Ade uncharacteristically slam his fist against the wall. They were taking a break from their workout in Ade’s back garden. His dad had set up a home gym in a shed at the bottom of the garden, and Kit and Ade had been spending at least one day a week trying to improve their reps. Kit poked at his stomach- his one ab was coming along nicely…
Ade shrugged but Kit could still tell he was annoyed. “Nothing- just… stressed a bit about mocks. Mr Whittaker is an absolute wanker, mate.”
“Why, did he threaten to take you down from an A* to an A?” Kit asked, grinning.
It was a light poke but Ade’s face darkened. “Oh forget it, it’s not like someone like- like you would understand.”
“Someone like me?” Kit was stung. “What the hell does that mean?”
Ade stood up. “Nothing- never mind.” He started fidgeting with the weights, as if to adjust them but Kit wasn’t fooled.
“No, tell me-”
Ade turned around, and his face was calmer but set, like he was ready for the argument. “Well, it’s not like you have to worry about exams, hey?”
“Why not?”
Ade snorted. “Kit - I’ve been to your place. You’re set up. Honestly, do you even care if you pass your A-levels?”
“Your mom is a doctor,” Kit retorted. “It’s not exactly like you’re about to get thrown out on the streets if you fail an exam.”
Ade rolled his eyes. “You clearly do not understand Nigerian mums. But also- it’s not about- look, let me spell it out for you. You see this?” he pointed to his face and his hands. “I’m black, mate. And that comes with some additional considerations that you aren’t going to have ever even think about.” He shook his head. “I mean- I thought you might understand, given your family and your sister… but-”
Kit sat down heavily. “Ah.” The growing anger suddenly went out of him like a deflated balloon. They sat there, on opposite sides of the small room.
“Sorry,” Kit said finally. “You’re right, I don’t understand that. But… if you wanted to share, I want to listen.” He looked up to meet Ade’s steady gaze. His friend also looked like his anger was also dissipating.
“It’s not even... even like it’s overt, racism,” Ade said, almost aggrieved. “It’s just this.. Undercurrent of expectations. You know Altofts is like- 95% white. When I moved here, it’s like people already had this expectation of who I would be- and it wasn’t a good student. But stereotypes like I’d be only into football, or a London gangsta. And Mr. Whittaker is just one of the worst- he always praises me when I get a good grade, like he expected nothing better of me… and he’s not the only one.”
“And that’s why you want to get back to London so bad,” Kit said, thinking he was starting to understand.
“Yeah, maybe- although London is also the best city in the world, innit,” Ade informed him. “It has its own problems though, being black there. That’s why my parents moved us out-”
“Oh?” Kit was curious. Ade had never really opened up about his life before in London.
“Yeah…” Ade seemed hesitant suddenly. “Or at least, I think it was the reason… my mum never really said but I think it makes sense. One of our neighbour’s sons was stabbed, about a block from our home. He wasn’t part of a gang or- just a young black bloke in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
“Jesus, that’s horrible,” Kit said.
Ade shrugged. “Yeah- and I think it freaked out my parents, my mum especially. And so when this opportunity came up for her, I think she jumped at the chance to get us out of London, at least for a few years.”
He looked over at Kit. “Anyway- that’s my dark history.”
“Batman has nothing on you,” Kit told him seriously and was pleased to see Ade grin back at him.
“I’m sorry I made fun of you,” he continued. “Also, I know I’ve been kind of a crappy friend lately. I promise to try and be better in the future, and listen if you want to talk.”
“You have been full on angsty, Herondale,” Ade told him. “I can’t wait until daylight savings time happens and you snap out of your Mr Depressive, Heathcliff persona.”
“What?” Kit asked, not seeing the connection.
“Like- I’m not a doctor yet, but I swear you have a classic case of SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder,” Ade said, clarifying as he saw Kit’s confusion. “You’re from Los Angeles- land of eternal sun. It must’ve been a huge shock to your system to have to live in the land of perpetual gloom, aka Blighty.” He eyed Kit. “Maybe a touch of PTSD too, from whatever your own origin story is.”
He held his hands up. “Mate- no need to tell me, if you don’t want to. I know it’s something to do with a cult, or something, according to Ellie. But you know… maybe if it’s tough, get a light lamp, and spend some of that whack of money you have on some therapy.”
Kit opened his mouth, considering. He closed it again and nodded. “Yeah. okay, maybe…” He moved back to the bench. “I think we’re way over the time now- let’s get back to our reps.”
Ade nodded and came over to spot him. As he was about to start, Kit thought of something else. “Ade, you need some time to relax and chill out about exams. You should come and hang out with Ellie and I. Once a week, we watch terrible films and throw popcorn and it’s… great. Helps with the stress.”
“Okay,” Ade replied, casually. “We can use your big cinema room, right? That’s class, it is…”
Kit smiled, realising that his half-cocked plan might actually work. Ellie needed some new distraction from Jack and he knew she had been mentioning Ade more recently.
--
Maybe it was the stupid light ball lamp he had bought in Argos, or maybe that finally the days were getting longer, or that he finally started to feel as comfortable in both half of his lives - Shadowhunter and mundane but Kit could feel his spirit lightening as the days moved into April.
And one day, after spotting the tomes about Faerie lying on a side table in Tessa’s special dedicated library and reading room, he knew he also had to finally face another part of his history that until now, he had been ignoring.
He knocked on the door, one evening, while she was bent over a book. She smiled and gestured for him to come in.
“Tessa- can we talk about the First Heir stuff?” Kit asked. “I think it’s time I learned more about it...”
------
Notes: As always, not canon-compliant with Secrets of Blackthorn Hall. But also... I wrote this a year ago, and looking back on what we've seen for SOBH and Kit's interactions with Emma and Julian, I think the vibe here is pretty spot on. Also, nailed it with how depressed Kit is at Cirenworth. The difference is... at least in this story he's actually trying to work through it, and Jem and Tessa are trying to help in constructive ways, or at least- not ignoring it. *sigh*
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