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smallmario · 1 year

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the 3k word mario movie review

here are my first thoughts on the mario movie. i'm probably gonna end up watching it again but i think ive had enough time to think about it to get my thoughts straight on what i think! even with how long this is, i'm sure i forgot stuff, but i hit on everything major i think.

tl;dr: 7/10. preddy good.

alright so under the cut is gonna be me being wayyyy too much about super mario brothers, so be ready for that. (but if you're following me then that's probably what you want LOL.) half mario review, half personal essay. very little chris pratt talk. i make fun of a lot of stuff but only because i love Mario so much. if you're mad at me for my Hot Mario Takes, just remember that i care about this more than anything and i'm going to die alone probably.

this is REALLY long and i'm sorry. spoilers, obviously.

my background/perspective: i'm closer to 30 than 20, and i've been a fan of mario since i could look at a tv screen. my introduction was the first Mario Kart game. Mario was my first ever online fandom, going on mario fansites like Lemmy's Land and Neglected Mario Characters was how i learned how to use the internet. a lot of my sense of humor and artistic style comes from the mario franchise, especially Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door (if you can believe it lol.) i wrote a mario high school au fic when i was 8 years old. i'm cringe and i'm proud.

i also went to school for animation. i fucking love cartoons. so, needless to say, i was hyped for this movie, even not being the biggest fan of Illumination as a studio. i had measured expectations, but i really went in wanting to like the movie. (which i did, but not in so few words.) i was just as prepared to not like it, and i didn't want to get too excited for something that might not live up to my expectations. yeah yeah, it's just The Mario Movie. well, i love movies and i love mario.

i avoided watching a lot of trailers past the first couple, but i was aware of the content of them. mostly through tumblr gifs, lol. so i went in medium-cold.

as expected by now, the movie looked amazing. Illumination has always had great character animation, but imo this is the best looking movie they've ever made. the environments, especially the ones with mushrooms, were gorgeous. The movie started with that Bowser scene from one of the trailers where he destroys the ice castle. it was cool seeing the full version of the scene, and when Bowser said, "...or DIE!" i was like "oooh. he's a little scary 😈"

before i get any deeper into it i just want to say: this was a movie for babies. obviously, it's the Super Mario Brothers movie. i think everyone is going to go in knowing that. the showing i was at was full of kids, a lot of them in costume or carrying Yoshi plushies. They would cheer at stuff and laugh at the silly slapstick humor, and i honestly think that enhanced the experience. a kid yelled "RAINBOW ROAD, BABY!" and it was amazing! that's Mario, fun for the whole family.

second thing: kid's movie ≠ bad movie. everyone should know this by now, in this post-puss-in-boots world. i would not compare the mario movie to puss in boots, by the way, it's just fresh in my mind and also based off existing kid's media. the only thing they truly have in common is the medium. their target audience is different, even if the vast majority wouldn't notice. like, i wouldn't bring a toddler to puss in boots, but i would to the mario movie. Bowser is not actually going to murder anybody. mario is also not gonna kill him at the end. nobody is gonna DIE in the mario movie.

all this to say. i was dazzled by the imagery in the opening scene for the usual reasons i like Illumination - the set pieces were huge and detailed, the lighting is amazing and atmospheric, the synergy between the character animation and the voice acting is solid. i especially liked the part when Kamek enchanted the pieces of rubble to make stairs for Bowser to walk up, it showed what their relationship is like and what a toady (ha-ha) Kamek is. (not the characterization i would go for with Kamek but *big heavy dramatic sigh* WHATEVER)

so, that scene ends. we cut to Mario and Luigi's commercial, which i LOVED. i thought it was so fun, and i love the analog quality to it and how DIY it was. and the best part for me - i love that we're in Brooklyn, NY!! when that first trailer dropped and i realized the movie was gonna be an isekai, i was so so happy. it's my favorite version of mario bros canon, and one of the few things in actual canon that i think gives Mario depth. it's compelling to me, the idea of a regular blue collar dude who's maybe in his 30s (mario is not 24 and i will die on this hill) who gets spirited away to a magical land where he doesn't belong, but he helps save the day because he wants to (and maybe he falls in love along the way??) uh put a pin in that thought i guess.

so, the dialogue starts, and it hits me - okay, this move is gonna be kinda stupid.

maybe that's harsh? let me try to explain what i mean. it was immediately apparent that this was going to be a funny, silly movie that wasn't gonna be too serious. the comedy is broad. when they walk by Foreman Spike and he's like "YOU'RE A LOOSAH, MARIO! YOU'LL ALWAYS BE A LOOSAH" or whatever, i was like, okay. we're not getting a Deep Mario Character Study. not that that's what i expected, of course, i'm just a weirdo who has dedicated his life to Deep Mario Character Studies. That's a me problem. but i still half expected mario to go "oh yeah, Foreman Spike from Wrecking Crew for NES (1985)? You won't be laughing when I become Nintendo + Illumination: The Super Mario Bros. Movie!" so i don't LOVE that vibe

okay, i'm like 2% of the way into the movie and this is already spiraling out of amuck. my point is that i'm not going to knock this movie for the things it isn't. it has that sorta glossy rounded-edges writing that movies from this studio have. in a way, it the writing is like a mario game. illumination + nintendo is kind of a match made in heaven.

for the rest of this manifesto, i'm going to divide my thoughts into three sections: stuff i liked, stuff i didn't like, and stuff i had complicated feelings about.

stuff i liked

Firstly, MARIO'S FAMILY! maybe the highlight of the whole movie for me. i knew we'd get Brooklyn, but seeing the whole Mario fam was a shock. not a lot of fanworks give them a big family like that, so it was nice to see! everyone looked great, and it was so cool to see mario and luigi in that context.

and Mario's bedroom?? was SO cute. im gonna have to pause and zoom and see what's in there because i dont remember the details but like i said, the environments are SO solid, and that doesn't stop for the Real World scenes. Brooklyn is just as gorgeous and detailed as the Mushroom Kingdom. the movie was never boring to look at.

seriously, the look of this movie is INSANE. That initial little Mushroom Grove location knocked my socks off, it reminded me of The Great Mission to Rescue Princess Peach, which is the highest compliment I can give to this movie. the visuals were absolutely off the hook.

the character design was also really nice, which i was a little worried about going in. there's this tendency with some artists to make Peach an ethereal boobie goddess and Mario a little baby goblin sprite, so i liked that they looked like they could smooch if they wanted to. (they didn't.) i knew it would be a fine line to walk between staying true to the in-game renders of the characters and keeping things visually interesting/fresh and new, and I think they walked that line well. everybody looked like they were drawn from the same hand. the visual style of the film was the most cohesive part of it.

the action scenes were really fun to watch, and i loved that scene in Brooklyn when Mario is parkouring around the city with Luigi stumbling behind him. they did a good job making Brooklyn really lively and exciting in its movements. everything was super bouncy!

the Mario Kart sequence was REALLY fun and I'm mostly putting this here for how much my dad loved it. it had everything you could want from Mario Kart on the big screen, and the little speedrunning maneuver Mario does was great.

Bowser. maybe the best performance in the movie, which is par for the course for Jack Black showing up in movies. i think everyone agrees on this so i won't go on too much, but for the most part i liked his characterization. i love a goofy bowser, and i like that his actions had consequences in the end, too. i always loved the games where Bowser is on your side. in my opinion, he's at his best when he's a petulant manlizardbaby, not the Supreme Lord of Darkness.

bowser in a jar at the end was really funny. Make That Guy Tiny! i also love the implication that without Bowser telling them what to do, the Koopa army just kinda chills out. i like that vibe.

stuff i didn't like

The trailers gave too much away. I feel bad because this isn't a knock on the movie on its own, but like, EVERYTHING luigi did the whole movie was in the trailers. like, for how short the movie was, it's insane how much they showed. speaking of which...

god bless Illumination and their tight 90 minute runtimes. (this was 92, actually! yay!) the movie overall felt very fast, which in the action/platforming scenes was great! but most of the time, it just forces the plot to happen to the characters while they're tossed around like ragdolls. at one point i remember saying to my dad, "why is mario like this? he's just down for whatever." (put a pin in that. meanwhile...)

here's that pin from earlier! this is a big one for me - i thought every piece of dialogue between Mario and Peach was disappointing. their first meeting was weird as hell, and it gets worse. it's a symptom of the larger problem of things being really rushed - there's almost no time for characters to interact with each other. a lot is resting on existing relationship dynamics. Mario and Luigi as brothers, Peach and Bowser as old enemies, Peach and her toads' bond, ect. The most developed relationship between two characters who meet during the events of the movie is Mario and Donkey Kong, which... sorry DK stans, but it just isn't my jam.

with Luigi being the one kidnapped, i thought maybe we'd have some sort of relationship form between Mario and Peach in the meantime, and i guess it did? kinda? like i said a million words ago, nothing ever really gets too deep. they have conversations looking out onto vast beautiful landscapes, and in romantic fire flower fields, but... i don't know, they just seem like work friends. they don't really talk about anything serious, and even when they do, it just feels like the scene ends right when it's gonna get good. and the one moment where mario is "flirting" with her gets ruined by Donkey Kong. so, that's cool.

Luigi didn't do shit! not even a hot gay sex scene with Bowser he just gets captured, almost dies in lava, and then Mario rescues him. as a Mario stan (and comparing this to the live action movie for a sec) i did appreciate the focus on Mario, but it's such a shame that Luigi didn't really get to do much besides sit in a box. :(

To me, the overall structure of the movie was pretty weak. There were so many cool parts, but it just never really coagulated into anything cohesive narratively to me. a huge part of that was that the stakes weren't really there. and it's not that big, dramatic things didn't HAPPEN, the characters just didn't give the weight and gravitas to them one might expect.

the licensed music fucking sucked, but thats par the course for this studio so it didnt surprise me. it made me angry the same way Suicide Squad did, because i'm not against licensed music as a concept. (see: breaking bad/bettercallsaul, shrek, ect.) it's just like, don't go with the FIRST song you think of, y'know? or, like, why BOTHER with something like Mario, which has SO much established score you could do instead.

Mario Not Liking Mushrooms is on the tier of Cruella de Ville's mom being killed by dalmatians or whatever. it made my dad laugh, though.

this is not a knock on finding the movie funny - i was laughing throughout most of it - but it has this self-aware thing about it that a lot of movies have nowadays that i just do not find charming. the whole "oh, these bricks are just FLOATING here? well THAT just happened" or "you mean i have to EAT mushrooms?? but i HATE mushrooms! this is the OPPOSITE of what i want!" it's just so... bland. it doesn't have its own identity. it's studio-funny and really, really safe. (it's Nintendo + illumination: The Super Mario Bros. Movie.)

this last point might be controversial, but i hated the scene with Mario and Luigi as babies. i thought it was dumb and bad. by far, was my least favorite scene. it just felt so... i don't know. it was just a bit much. i'll expand more on why in the 'complicated feelings' section, but i just want to shine a spotlight on that scene as the low point of the movie for me. but my grandma liked it, so i'm probably just a hater.

(VERY close second was the one where Bowser is practicing what to say to Peach, then it cuts to Kamek in a wig. booooo! *throws tomatoes*)

stuff i had complicated feelings about

pratt did fine. it's really easy to forget about the man and just see the character, which is a huge compliment. celebrity voice actors are an industry problem (one that Illumination contributes to a LOT tbf) and i think the fact that pratt kinda 'disappeared into the role' was a plus. it still kinda feels like a silly casting choice overall, though. i remember watching the Nintendo direct live where they announced it, and i was gasping for air from laughing so hard, i had to pause it. but anyway, this is just my own taste, and probably nostalgia from the Super Show, but i prefer a more curmudgeonly, Brooklyn-accented Mario. so for me, pratt did fine.

bowser. i loved jack black's performance and he struck the tone for bowser that i was looking for, but as a big fan of Tenacious D, some parts were less "bowser as a character" and more "Tenacious D song from Bowser's POV." Of everything i've talked about so far this feels the most like nitpicking because Jack Black's performance really was a highlight of the movie, but hey, we've made it this far!! you're locked in this Confessional Box with me and you're getting everything!!

one thing i can point to in regards to this - and i can't believe i'm about to say this because it's so ridiculous sounding - but they gave Bowser a little bit of a "yandere" vibe, right?? *sniper dot appears on my forehead* but they could've leaned further into it, and it was kinda overshadowed by the Jack Black of it all.

here's that second pin! it's for Mario's Daddy Issues! it's not a bad idea per se, like, yeah, you can do that sort of arc with Mario, why not? (he's got a couple daddy issues in my own fanon to be fair!) but the way it was integrated into the plot just felt SO cookie cutter, like literally ANY character could have had Mario's arc in this movie. it didn't feel related thematically to what was actually happening in the movie, and the reason that bothers me is because Mario is just so BLASE about everything happening to him! Like, sure, he's bumbling around all confused like a cheep-cheep out of water, but since there's just no room to breathe, we can't have anything more than narrative shorthand for arcs you've seen before. but the potential for depth is there!! it is!!!

i think what i mean is that there's not really levels to how characters react to things, almost like they're not allowed to have too extreme emotions. it feels like they had constraints, and they couldn't establish too much about the characters. Nintendo is a tightly controlled brand, right?

so, because of that, it's REALLY strange to me that they not only gave Peach a backstory, but to my knowledge, a backstory that doesn't come from any of the games or past adaptations. in a way, her story is the reverse opposite of Daisy from the live action Mario movie. if this movie had been twenty minutes longer, i would've loved to see this resolved in a more satisfying way! it really feels like there was no emotional resolution to her story, which surprises me because there were obvious parallels to Mario's angst about his own family/desire to Save Brooklyn in Peach's struggle to protect the toads. like i said earlier when i was talking about Mario and Peach's conversations, it felt like it stopped right before it was about to get good.

it just doesn't seem like the characters in this movie feel things deeply. most characters end in the same place they started. that isn't a bad thing, by the way, which is why it's in the "complicated feelings" section. lots of movies do that - Back to the Future does that, my favorite movie of all time.

it's all very, very down-the-middle. it's for everyone, it's for no one. it's Nintendo + Illumination: The Super Mario Bros. Movie., and everything that entails.

i think the reason the Baby Mario scene bothers me is because it reminds me too much of the fact that this movie is a product. all movies are, don't get me wrong, but there are so many parts of this movie that felt especially product-y. it was just kinda blatant about it in the stereotypical way that b-tier animated kid's movies are. it was packed with references, which in a way was cool to see. i'm sure that when i watch it again i'll catch all sorts of things i didn't catch before. but this movie kinda just feels like a PILE of stuff all mashed together without much thought put into how the actual world is supposed to work, or what the lives of the people who live there are like, or how they feel that their kingdom is being destroyed.

let me just be totally real for a second. *unzips clown costume a little*

art means a lot to me, obviously. and if i'm being totally real and baring my soul or whatever, nothing has impacted my artistic life and process more than Super Mario Bros. There's nothing I can do about it. the sky is blue, water is wet, and i love mario.

i saw this move sitting in a row with my family, in seats we'd all reserved in advance. i was sitting between my parents, who taught me how to play Mario. i had a smile on my face the whole time, even during the Baby Mario scene. every time something cool or flashy happened, a tiny voice from somewhere in the theater would GASP, or yell "LET'S-A GO" or "IT'S PEACH!!!"

among my group was my youngest cousin, who's eight years old, and i realized that she's the same age i was when i created my account on Lemmy's Land and made a Koopaling OC. (that used to be the Thing to do in mario fandom.) that realization almost gave me a fuckin stroke. the passage of time, am i right?

but anyway, if this movie had come out when i was a kid, it would've blown my mind and changed my life. i felt a weird ennui after the movie ended, and everyone was asking me what i thought. people at work the next day were asking me about it, because i'm the Mario Guy even in real life. and i didn't have an answer. i didn't know what i thought.

what i said to them was, "i'm weird, i'm not a good example of a normal opinion on this movie. 7/10." and then i went home and i wrote the 3000 words you see above you.

this is longer than most of my Mario fics, let's-a wrap this up.

hopefully i've given a little bit of a sense of what i thought of the movie. It's everything, it's nothing. you are in its target demographic whether you like it or not. it's the movie some of you have been waiting for your whole lives. it had expectations that it never had a chance of living up to. it has jack black. it's a pile of mush. (no pun nintended.)

#mario #HOOOO BOY #i need to become a youtube video essayist #sorry #arthoughts #this is way too much #this is the real raw shit #this is blogging

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dans-den · 1 year

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My Top 5 Best Movies of 2022

Hey how's going everyone? It's Dan here and were approaching the end of 2022 so were ending with my Top 5 best movies of 2022!

I know I was suppose to do it yesterday but I got busy yesterday so I'm doing it now. I'll repeat this one more time, this is all subjective and my opinion, we can agree to disagree, okay? good, lets begin!

Number 5 goes to the Bad Guys from Dreamworks (7.5/10)

This movie is based on the children's book and the book itself is quite popular, even at my job we have one of the books for the kids. When I saw the movie trailer, I was an instant fan of the animation style. It's going for that 2D done like 3D style similar to the SpiderVerse movies and that's what makes it unique. I had given my thoughts about it in the review back in April so if ya wanna see that go check it out. The plot itself is the classic never judge a book by its cover as well as everyone can redeem themselves, nothing groundbreaking but I did enjoy the way it was executed in the film. The characters are what really made this movie memorable. My favorite character has to be Mr. Wolf since he's just charismatic and a likeable guy even when he's committing crime you just can't help but love the guy. The character interactions and dynamics are what sell this movie in my eyes. It's on Netflix right now so I'd say give it a watch, I also heard it has more projects in the work so I think it is safe to say that this movie helped bring Dreamworks back in a big way this year (with Puss in Boots: Last Wish following that momentum too).

Number 4 goes to Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness from Marvel/Disney (8/10)

Wow! a Marvel/Disney movie I'm not disappointed in! I had given a review for this movie back in May so if ya wanna check it out, go ahead. To summarize that review, I love the VFX, just like the first film the VFX are what carry this movie and each one is like a trip. Now keep in mind this is part of the MCU so there are a lot of films and even some shows to watch so that you can fully understand the plot and the characters motivations for what they do. I gave what films and shows to watch during my review so use that as a base line on where to start for story. Even if ya don't watch any of the movies or shows, the plot itself is still rather decent and the characters are still who they are (besides Scarlet Witch) so it'll still be fun time and plenty of magic going on. I still think Spiderman: No Way Home is a better multiverse movie, but this is a good contender with plenty going for it. Though some VFX look a bit lazy at times, it's forgivable compared to what we get a majority of the time. I also wanna point out that Sam Raimi (the director of the Tobey Spiderman movies) directed this film and gave it some of his personal touches even adding Bruce Campbell in for a cameo so I appreciate that too.

Number 3 goes to The Batman from DC/Warner Bros. (8/10)

This movie is when I knew we were eating good this year when it came to movies. This film much like Morbius was in Limbo due to the Pandemic, Luckily it made it's way to theaters and it was a real banger! This was the first review I did back in march and if ya wanna see it go ahead and check it out. This is definitely one of the better Batman performances I've seen and definitely the better representation of Gotham City. Robert Pattinson gave a phenomenal performance as the Dark Knight and even though I feel his performance as Bruce Wayne could have been better, this is still in the early stages of Batmans crime fighting career so Bruce hasn't quite found that balance and secret identity aspect just yet. He is still figuring out what he needs to be for Gotham City and I do hope that they continue to build on this in the future, I would like to see the character growth and development of Bruce Wayne/Batman. Paul Dano as the Riddler was something I was pleasantly surprised with, this darker take on the Riddler was refreshing to see since traditionally the Riddler is one of the more comical villains in Batman's Rogue Gallery. I felt immersed into the City of Gotham and in the story of Bruce Wayne's family, they did well expanding on his history. The action was gritty and more martial art based (which I love) as well as showing off Batman's detective skills trying to solve the riddles. This film truly kicked off the year and I'd say this is definitely the best superhero film of the year, beating out any movies from Marvel and itself.

Number 2 goes to Sonic the Hedgehog 2 from Sega/Paramount (9/10)

I've said this once, and I will say it again, 2022 has been the Sonic Renaissance and were living it up, baby! This is the sequel to the Sonic the Hedgehog movie that came out in 2020 and while the first film was pretty decent and it was more of a testing waters phase, it still did a great job and was one of the main reasons people started to lose that "Video Games can't be adapted to good movies" stigma. Now the sequel builds upon that success, I had given my review for this movie back in April but all the points I made still hold up and I'll support that with further evidence now. After the positive reception of the first film, Jeff Fowler and his crew went into the next phase and decided to build upon and dive into the lore of Sonic the Hedgehog. I also appreciate them having the humans take a backseat this time around and having the story more centered around Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, and Dr. Robotnik (aka Eggman). We got to see settings such as Angel Island and Gerald Robotnik's secret lab where Shadow is in suspended animation (post credit shows Shadow for the upcoming third film). We even saw the Master emerald which was made up of the seven chaos emeralds used in this movie and gave us the special appearance of Super Sonic! As I said earlier, this is the year of Sonic, with a successful sequel, a great game in Sonic Frontiers, a great show in Sonic Prime and the upcoming third movie, Sonic is going fast in the right direction. Hopefully, he continues to rise this momentum into 2023 and beyond, I'm a big sonic fan so it's great to see him doing well after a long time.

Before I get into the number one spot, I'm going to give a few honorable mentions

First mention goes to Top Gun: Maverick from Skydance/Paramount (7.5/10)

This was a sequel to the nearly 40 year old movie Top Gun, however unlike other random sequels, this one is actually far superior than the original. The original is definitely a cheesy 80's movie, but the sequel manages to build upon and create a real story here making Maverick a mentor with something left to give to the next generation. It's a fun movie to watch and it has plenty of charm to it. All the actors did a phenomenal job and I was pleasantly surprised that this movie was as good as it was.

Next mention is the Elvis Movie from BazMark/Warner Bros. (7/5/10)

This movie is yet another Biopic of a famous Celebrity/Musician, but what really shoots it up there as one of the better Biopics is the performance of Austin Butler and Tom Hanks. Austin truly did Elvis justice with his performance. His mannerisms, the speech, his moves, I can tell Austin gave it his all and I think we can all appreciate that. Tom Hanks as the Colonel was a true villain and foil to the story. I enjoyed the narration from him which added to the tone of this cautionary tale. I gave a review back in July so if you wanna see more head over there. But this is definitely one of the better biopics.

Last mention I wanna give is the movie Turning Red from Pixar/Disney Plus (7/10)

This is a true coming of age story I can get behind. I gave my review for this back in March so if you wanna see my full thoughts on it, go check it out. This film is unique for so many reasons and I can say I enjoy this film, I watched it twice and I enjoy the animation style and how it takes inspiration from anime as well. The characters are a fun to watch and the mature themes here are done well and respectively. I wish more Disney films were like this but you know them. Luckily Pixar is doing their best to bring us unique stories and great animation trying something new each time. I may not be the targeted audience for this film, but even I can recognize the passion that went into it and I feel it's a film for young teens and even adults to enjoy.

Now for the moment you've all been waiting for, the Number one movie of 2022 goes to....

Number one goes to WEIRD: The Al Yankovic Story from Funny or Die/Roku (10/10)

I'm sure no one saw this one coming, you're likely scratching your head and asking "first off..Weird Al has a movie on Roku?! Second...Why is this the best film of the year?!". Well stop asking so many questions and I'll tell ya! This film is technically a biopic just like Elvis or other biopics from other celebrities...but its a parody of that entire biopic genre. As we all know, these biopics tend to exaggerate the truth for the sake of the film being dramatic and entertaining, some things in the film are not quite what actually happened in the real life of that celebrity but rather exaggerated. Weird Al cranks that exaggeration and dramatic antics to the MAX! Unlike those other films, this is not meant to be taken at all serious and you can tell. The first half was already kind of exaggerated but was still telling the truth of how Al got his start in music (to a degree). But once we get to the second half of the film....it just goes hog wild and turns the film into full blown insanity and it is without a doubt hilarious! I got some Bohemian Rhapsody vibes from this movie with how Al starts out good but then gets into hard drinking, gets into a toxic relationship with Madonna, confronts Pablo Escobar to save Madonna only for her to take over the drug cartel....You can see why I said this is not meant to be taken seriously. It's all just a huge parody of celebrity biopics and its meant to be a joke and I love it! Weird Al was heavily involved with making this since he's still alive so I'm sure he would want to have a say in how it should be done and he's the one responsible for getting the boy who lived to portray him. Daniel Radcliffe did a phenomenal job as Weird Al being hilarious, dramatic and both at the same time and Weird Al himself actually has a role in the movie as not himself...but parodying an executive at a record label. This movie is just a fun watch, I was laughing the entire hour and a half. Each of these movies on my top 5 have something special, the Bad Guys are the best animated film, Doctor Strange is best Visuals in a film, Batman the best superhero film, Sonic is the best video game adaptation film, but Weird: the Al Yankovic story is not only the best Parody film, but the Best film of 2022!

Thanks for staying till the end, Hope everyone has a Happy New Year, and I can't wait for the content to come out in 2023!

See ya!

#dans den #2022 #best movies #top 5 list #reviews #the bad guys #doctor strange multiverse of madness #the batman #sonic the hedgehog 2 #top gun maverick #elvis movie #turning red #weird the al yankovic story #happy new year

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kbaldwin0609 · 6 years

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'The Bachelor' episode 3 recap: GLOW with the flow

Photo: Splash

Warning: This recap for episode 3 of The Bachelor contains spoilers.

Happy week 3, rose lovers! We’ve reached the point in Arie’s “journey” where a previously invisible contestant suddenly gets thrust into the spotlight. Case in point:

Photo: ABC

Literally who is that, and what is she doing on a one-on-one with Arie?

But I’m getting ahead of myself. The episode begins with Harrison dropping off the date card, which Jane Doe (pictured above) promptly snatches. Maquel, Jacqueline, Lauren B., Tia, Marikh, Bekah M. Bibiana, and Krystal, you’re going on a group date — and clearly someone on The Bachelor’s Date Planning Committee binge-watched GLOW over the hiatus:

Photo: ABC

That’s right, “ladies” — you’re all about to audition for G.L.O.B., the “Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor” Wrestling League! (Side note: Please, Television Academy of Arts and Sciences, establish an “Outstanding Use of an Acronym in a Television Reality Show” category before next year’s Emmys.)

Angela and Ursula take the women through their paces, teaching them how to do forward rolls, how to bounce off the ropes, and how to “sell” the pain of getting (fake) kneed in the solar plexus by an opponent. Unfortunately, when it comes to the “selling” part, all of the women suck — and Angelina doesn’t hesitate to let them know it.

Photo: ABC

For the love of all that’s holy, Bibiana, why are you talking back to the former professional wrestler? Sure, she’s staying in character and just took a pot-shot at your mother, but you voluntarily signed up for a reality show that pits women against each other as they fight for a husband. If you have no righteous indignation about that, then you should probably just zip it.

Raven 2 is next to spark Angelina’s wrath when she refuses to expend any effort during a “lock-up” demonstration.

GIF: ABC

Bish, please. Weren’t you listening when Arie told Team Bachelor that he’s “looking for somebody who can kinda have fun in any situation”? You and Bibiana can take your sour pusses and your eye rolls and go cry in the corner. Meanwhile, Maquel and Baby Bekah are totally rolling with the punches, as it were.

GIF: ABC

Next, it’s time for the “ladies” to get their assigned pro-wrestler persona, and man, are they are on brand.

Krystal:

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Bekah:

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Marikh:

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Raven 2:

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Bibiana:

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And how could Team Bachelor throw a wrestling date without inviting back the fan favorite who apparently does this for a living, Mr. Kenny “The Pretty Boy Pitbull” King?

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Hey, at least it’s not Rated-R. Basically, Arie’s “match” with Kenny consists of the Bachelor flopping around limply while the Pretty Boy Pitbull pounds him repeatedly into the mat. Naturally, though, Kenny is enough of a gentleman to let Arie win — after all, his harem is watching.

Bekah and Maquel (“The Lunch Lady”) are summoned to the ring first. Just as they did during rehearsal, both women do their best to put on a convincing show, and it isn’t half bad. The Cougar faces off against Jacqueline next, and The Prom Queen definitely gets her bell rung.

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Not really sure what was supposed to be going on during Marikh and Lauren B.’s routine, but if they were going for a “sleepwalking porn stars” vibe, they definitely succeeded.

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After moping and whining their way through rehearsal, Bibiana and Raven 2 actually demonstrate some enthusiasm during their bout, which features headlocks, arm twists, and some almost decent trash talking. It may have been a merely moderate effort, but the Bachelor LOVES it.

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Quiz time! If I were to ask you, based on two weeks’ of evidence, who would try to steal Arie away first at the post-date cocktail party, which woman would you pick? Exactly: Krystal. So why are all the rest of the “ladies” shocked — shocked! — when she does it again tonight?

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Close your mouth, honey, or your jaw might freeze that way.

The Bachelor certainly isn’t discouraging Krystal’s behavior. “You were damn sexy today,” he gushes. “You were driving me crazy… I had to check myself a little bit.” He goes even further, advising Krystal to “just come grab me and say, ‘Give me some attention’” if she’s feeling neglected. Not that Krystal needs to be reminded.

It’s right about now that Bibiana falls into the same trap that so many women before her have stumbled into as well: Thinking the Bachelor wants to hear anything negative about a woman he’s clearly into, in this case Krystal. “I feel like at this point I need to voice my concerns with Arie,” Bibiana declares. So she does.

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Arie does his best to make Bibi feel heard, and then he heads off to make out with Raven 2 and Baby Bekah (separately) in the Airstream trailers. Krystal is “a little confused” when Arie hands over the date rose to Bekah, so she decides the best solution is to “be more aggressive.” (Not pictured: The producer nodding furiously in agreement from behind the camera.)

The next morning, Krystal sits on the couch and performs a monologue by the pool — about how women have always “hated on” her, how she’s had to “struggle” and be “so strong” and “work so many hours” doing plyometric squats on the beach, or whatever. She also confides to her audience of one — an impressively poker-faced Marikh — that she and Arie “know we want to end up together, and this is just a process that has to be done in order for us to be together.”

Ladies and gentlemen, it has not even been three weeks.

Onward, “process”! The only one-on-one date of the week goes to… one of the blonde Laurens.

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Seriously, who? Not that it matters, I guess. Arie meets the Lauren at his favorite private airport, where their jet awaits to whisk them off to wine country. I will say, whoever this woman is, she looks closer to 21 than 31 — and the Bachelor does seem pleased that she’s “mature.”

Over merlot, Arie and Lauren chat about early bedtimes and his growing love of cardigans. But can this Lauren go deeper? Arie admits he doesn’t know much/anything about her, and Lauren admits that she might have some “guards up.” I think it’s too much to hope that we’ll see a woman sent home from a date this early in the season… or is it?

You see, Lauren can’t stop talking. Like, at all. Maybe she’s so worried about holding back that she’s forcing herself to go to the opposite extreme — but even she admits that during dinner she’s “all over the place.”

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And then something terrible happens.

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Yep. Arie’s so bored, he’s actually eating on the date. After word-vomiting for almost the entire meal, Lauren tries to rein it in and salvage the night. “I feel like I have not been myself this whole dinner,” she tells the Bachelor. “I like me, and I’m cool with me, but I feel like I’ve been a little all over the place.”

So does Arie. He holds up the date rose, and with a carefully assembled “sad face,” he gives Lauren the boot: “I really, really wanted this for us, but I’m sorry, I can’t give you this.” And with that, rose lovers, we are down to exactly one Lauren. Suitcase Ninja, do your thing.

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The “ladies” are rocked to their core by this unexpected turn of events. Caroline bursts into tears; Bekah and Becca huddle together for emotional warmth; and Krystal — who, let’s face it, is pretty psyched — delivers a eulogy for her fallen sister, who she says is “an amazing, beautiful soul.” She concludes by telling the other women to live each cocktail party as though it’s their last, because time on this earth with Arie is simply not guaranteed.

When Ashley, Becca K, Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, and Annaliese arrive at the park for group date number 2, Arie assures them that their outing will be not involve violent smashing of any kind, or a significant budget. Instead: Dogs! And not just any dogs, Dynamo Dogs!

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For today’s date, Arie and the women will be putting on a live show with these adorable trained pups. Pretty fun, right? Well, unless you’re Annaliese — her collection of traumatic experiences also includes a run-in with her grandparents’ cranky dog Sunshine, who bit her when she was a kid. “I almost lost an eye,” she says gravely. Naturally, we’re treated to another gauzy reenactment.

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Speaking of comedy, Chris Harrison’s co-commentator for the dog show is none other than Best in Show star Fred Willard. And there sure is a lot of color to commentate — as none of the dogs seem interested in listening to their temporary trainers, and the kids in the audience are either crying our outright heckling the performers.

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Unlike on the wrestling date, no one pouts or cries when the dogs make them look silly, and Arie deems the outing a success. Things continue to go smoothly at the post-date cocktail party, as Arie has comfortable chats and kisses with everyone… except Annaliese. By the time she sits down with the Bachelor, she’s so wound up and tense that she can’t think of anything to say. “I feel like I’m going home,” she whines to the other women later. “His body language was so different.” Hmmm… let’s go to the videotape:

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Yeah, it’s not looking great for Annaliese.

The date rose, by the way, goes to Chelsea.

When the final cocktail party of the week rolls around, pretty much every woman but the ones holding roses (Chelsea, Baby Bekah) is worried that she’ll go home. Side note: I like that Arie is starting to preempt any “she stole him right away” drama at these parties by choosing the first woman himself. (Watch and learn, future Bachelors.)

Bibiana can’t wait to get her alone time with Arie, because she’s arranged for the interns to set up a “private” (except for the cameras) cabana in the front driveway, where she and the Bachelor can relax and gaze at the stars.

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Unfortunately for Bibiana, Arie and Lauren B. just happened to stumble upon this romantic star-gazing setup first. Even more humiliating is the fact that the Bachelor sends Bibi away when she comes to interrupt.

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“Uhhh… the struggle is real,” sighs Bibiana in her confessional. “The devil is working OT, man.” Hey! Mike Fleiss may be an evil genius but I think calling him “the devil” is taking things a bit too far.

Having discovered the driveway daybed — aka the perfect make-out spot — Arie starts bringing other women there, including Crystal and Baby Bekah. Speaking of Miss Junior Varsity, she’s trying a little too hard to come across as the carefree, independent woman: “I think you know that I don’t need you,” she purrs to Arie. “You’ve been attracted consistently to people who need you more than you need them, and it’s scary to be with somebody who doesn’t need you to complete them.” It’s almost believable — but those of us who’ve experienced the hell that is being a woman in her early 20s can see that Bekah’s really a swirling mass of insecurities masked by a perky bod and a pixie cut. Still, Arie is just eating it up. “Gosh, you’re blowing my mind right now!” he marvels, before commencing yet another make-out session.

Our Bachelor also lavishes attention on Raven 2, who doesn’t seem to mind that the “special” set-up he had made for her is just a pair of redneck stereotypes: Hay bales and moonshine. But perhaps the most awkward moment of the night is Annaliese’s sad attempt to get a kiss from Arie. Maybe it’s because she always looks like she’s about to burst into tears, or maybe it’s simply because he’s just not that into her, but the encounter is not a success.

“I’ve really wanted you to kiss me,” Annaliese begins. “And I hear that girls have to go in for the kiss first — and I’m not really that type of girl.”

“So… are you asking me?” replies the Bachelor, clearly annoyed. And then he drops the bomb.

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Man, could there be anything more disheartening than getting rejected by the kissing bandit? The man will lock lips with almost anything that moves! Anyhow, dear Annaliese, you should probably prepare to take a moment and say your goodbyes.

What’s that? You’re going to hunt Arie down and ask him point-blank if he’s into you instead? Sounds like a totally solid plan. “I literally can’t watch this,” groans Bekah, speaking for all of us. So, Annaliese asks — and Arie answers.

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“I’m sorry,” he says. “Can I walk you out?”

Who will join Annaliese in the Reject Limo? Let’s find out! Arie doles out roses to Caroline, Kendall, Ashley, the Last Remaining Lauren, Brittany, Becca K., Sienne, Krystal, Raven 2, Maquel, Jenna, Jacqueline, and Marikh — meaning we must also say goodbye to our favorite Miami firebrand, Bibiana.

“Someone needs to just give me a break,” sobs Bibi. Someone will, mami — as soon as it’s time to start casting for Bachelor in Paradise.

Welp, rose lovers, what say you? Did Arie send the right women home? Is Krystal right in assuming she’s his favorite? And what, exactly, is wrong with Jenna?

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Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive behind-the-scenes blog right here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pitch American Horror Story: Annaliese’s Childhood to Ryan Murphy and FX.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.