#the other two were scared | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

transpat · 2 years

Text

pre-relationship pranpat and haq

the word 'haq (हक़)' in hindi doesn't have an exact eng counterpart and translates smth around the meanings of rights and entitlement. in context of relationships, we use it to describe the entitlement ppl we keep close are allowed over us. in our culture, with every bond we form and built, we owe those ppl certain rights over us. like our filial duty to our parents, supporting our siblings and relatives emotionally and/or financially, the loyalty to our friends. lovers and spouses are ppl given all the rights of a family member by choice and obv other stuff like touching u in ways others can't, sharing worries and secrets you wouldn't indulge others w, the permission to carry and lighten ur burdens.

that's why i wanted to talk about pran and pat before they began dating, when they didn't even consider each other friends. theoretically, these two don't owe each other shit, shouldn't be assuming any rights over each other. but pat continues to push into pran's room even when he's verbally told not to, and pran who bottles his feelings up from everyone else, wears his heart on his sleeve (literally) around pat. pran gives pat a glimpse into his every emotion, and pat catches them, stores it away to process later, when he uses it to channel the courage to knock on pran's door.

also. all of this starts in college. after they reach a truce and add each other's numbers. it's not there back when they were shy high schoolers, fighting in public and treading along the delicate beginnings of a friendship. back then, before their meager advances culminated into smth fruitful, it was snatched from them, ripped from their unsuspecting hands. it didn't turn their efforts null thou, doesn't return them to point zero. when they met again, they faltered and stumbled, but they make their way back to how things could have been back then. they found their way back to the path they were paving as kids.

their sense of entitlement isn't just smth they assume either. it's the haq they've willingly granted to the other. we see pran pushing pat out of his room repeatedly, but pat only walks in bc he knows if he was really unwelcome pran wouldn't open the door in the first place. bc like how pran never pushed him out of the room in his parents' house, pat is certain that once pran's fear of being discovered lessens (he doesn't know his interpretation is all wrong, that it was bc pran was in love w him and afraid for himself), he'll be welcome to stay as long as he wants. when he asks pran if he can stay the night, its bc he knows the answer might not be no. pran has a soft spot for him.

likewise, pran lashing out at him is bc he knows that unlike how it is w others, revealing his emotions to pat won't come at a price he can't afford. when he's under all the pressure of rebuilding the bus stop and saving his friends' academics careers, he smiles for his friends, assures them he's fine, he can manage. its only around pat he displays how deeply he's affected by this, lets pat see how he let him down, how much stress he's in bc of this. bc he knows pat listens, pat understands, pat wants to listen and understand. pat makes breathing easier.

in the beginning its just that. pran says they're not friends, but subconsciously hands pat every right of one. the teasing banter, the rude nicknames, the knowledge that he too wants to compete w pat in the freshy contest as badly as pat wants it. he helps him by texting his location religiously, and then when pat's friends screw up, he lets pat help him w the bus stop. here's where things get begin to get convoluted, where the lines begin to blur. letting pat sniff him, letting pat pull his head under his shirt, letting pat massage medicine onto his shoulder, cleaning pat's face for him, allowing pat to pet his head, asking him if he had dinner, asking him about his crush. obv like. none of these things r very platonic, and pran allowing these to occur isn't w platonic intentions either.

and that's bound to happen. ofc it will when pat's in love and only hasn't worked it out yet and pran's been harboring suppressed desires for years. in some ways, it's always been there, it was always hurtling towards this. the level of comfort they share w each other, how little reservation they hold towards touching the other, its as if they haven't been raised as enemies, but have grown into the only ppl who know each other so intimately.

i'm talking about these:

pran doesn't even flinch when pat's hand touches his thigh, and you could argue that's ohmnanon, but honestly it's v in character for them. pat puts his hand over pran's mouth, places it high up his thigh: pran allows it. pran tickles him, pins down on the bed: pat allows it. pran tackles him unnecessarily long during rugby matches, hauls him into hidden corridors? pat giggles about it. pat asks pran to feed him drinks, to let him stay the night? pran pretends its a hassle and readily indulges him.

pran understands what's happening. he watches it all unfold, how pat's entitlement over him grows, mushrooms, into pat constantly making boyfriend jokes, pat pushing his limits w pran in public, pat expressing his displeasure over having to pretend to be enemies, pat walking into pran's faculty w pran's shirt on. and pran lets it happen. he complains and groans about pat in his room but lets him stay, lets him have his breakfast, lets his nosy ass unlock his desktop. he draws the line at first, but always, always ends up letting pat cross it. like how at the music store he scoffs off pat's attempt to ask him about his relationship status, but in the privacy of his own room, discloses his mother and wai's dynamics when questioned, even though he finds it strange for pat to care (he misreads pat here, thinks its out of pat's desire for friendship that he wants to know more about pran, so he's happy to share).

i came to talk about this bc i was (again) rewatching bbs and now that its completed, the fight scene in ep5 hits a different way (again). pran shuts wai out (refusing to divulge the secrets of his and pat's dynamics, a direct contrast to how he freely talks about wai to pat) and sends him home, then turns and looks at pat like this:

he stood there, waiting for pat to look at him and then when pat did, he let all his disappointment and anger flood into his expression. and i saw this and thought wow, that's one of the loudest displays of haq he's expressed over pat until now. he knows what he's doing, he knows this is going to hurt pat and he does it w that exact intention. (also does anyone else think this kinda looks like an owner reprimanding their dog?) its not smth he would do w wai, or anyone else in his life. its smth only pat is allowed, only pat is allowed to see how profoundly disruptions upset him, only pat is allowed inside his head.

this scene makes it clear that the way pran and pat treat each other is no longer 'friendly'. here, we're explicitly shown the haq pran's granted his friends over him, and that doesn't extend to oversharing. yet, pat's allowed that. pran would never tell his friends if and when they hurt or frustrate him, but he's stopped hiding the same from pat when pat chased him to the new dorm insisting he should move instead. pat may be the one who crosses the line when helping pran out w the bus stop, but its pran who first muddles it by avoiding pat to express how mad he is. later again, its pran who dissolves that line completely by reaching across and asking pat if he's had dinner.

back to the fight scene: earlier, when pat waited out for him, told him to 'come here' in front of wai, that too was a display of haq, of the authority he felt over pran. and pran followed. pran obeyed, moved towards him, was only stopped by wai. that's why i said: none of the entitlement they feel towards the other is overstepping, they only exercise the rights they're certain they've been handed. when pat says 'come here', he's one hundred percent sure pran will. he knows he's different from wai, that he's special, that he's someone pran could choose over wai. and so its a petty move. its such a petty thing to use the secret privilege pran entrusted him w in a moment of drunken jealousy, and pat regrets it soon.

but pran's the one who upset the balance first. by playing that song. their song. where most of the haq they feel over each other is abstract, this is the one thing put in cement. that song is one rope fastening pat to pran's side - the other being the guitar - which he's been using to steadily climb the peak pran stands on. he'd expected pran to be waiting for him above, as eager to help him up as pat is to reach him. but pran played that song with others, with wai, and abandoned that post, uncaring if pat were to fall. and pat fell. he fell, fractured his bones, and would still plow past the sharp ache had it been pran alone. bc that pain dulls, disappears, in pran's presence. but faced with wai, with pran's hurtful pretenses, with pran prioritizing wai in that moment, his resentment overflows, pushes him to hurt pran in the same manner. 'that lousy song', he calls the very first song pran wrote, the song pran poured his heart and soul into, the song he's recently realized might have been about them. and he does it, he breaks pran. now, pran's got a shattered heart to match pat's splintered bones.

then, on the rooftop, pat asks him why he played the song. pran doesn't answer him, denies the haq in his demand. telling pran he didn't like it was another haq he'd assumed. and here, pran realizes they've come too far. here, pran knows there's no pretending this is normal or friendly anymore, bc wth they're not even friends. here, he knows if he lets this continue, pat will continue to treat him like a lover while telling him he likes some other girl. so here, pran tries to build a final iron wall, and asks pat smth he shouldn't be able to answer: 'why are you doing this to me? who are you assume those rights over me?' except pat's figured it out at last. his feelings, his love. so, he recognizes what pran's doing, panics, and blurts his truth. vomits out his feelings to try and soil the line pran's drawing.

yeah and then we saw how that went. well, after that, these vague figures of their haq finally come into sharp focus during ep 6. this was the ep everyone praised pat for his respect of boundaries, but that was really always there. pat is smart and perceptive, and pran is the subject he's spent his whole life studying. ofc he'd understand when pran means business and when he's bluffing. so when pran used to push pat put of his room, they both knew his efforts were half-hearted (ofc he'd want his crush in his room, no matter how afraid he is of losing control). although pat doesn't take him srsly at first, he does respect his decision in the end. now, when pran tells him he doesn't want to talk about their kiss, pat knows he's serious, so he immediately shifts the subject.

and last about their bet? even if before these two were subconsciously dancing around the boundaries of romance and friendship, with the bet on, there's no hiding behind denial anymore. still, this is a new territory they're trudging along. esp pat, who's new to the discovery of his own feelings, who doesn't know where pran is mentally, and doesn't know what he's allowed and what not.

pran realizes this soon enough the next morning, when pat uses that kindergarten technique of 'i won't give you my snacks unless you become my bf'. and pran - who's spend years fantasizing about this very thing, who has an idea of the depth of pat's feelings - demolishes the last wall. the finger-lick is pran telling pat where they stand now, both giving and assuming every haq of a lover. and he does it so confidently bc pat's already given him that haq the night before, when he didn't refute pran's accusation of harboring a crush on him.

('fine', he says. 'let's compete then.' instead of the outright way pran had denied his crush. bc never lying to his lover is the haq pat would give them, is what pat gives pran from here on. pran continues to lie bc he has yet to give pat the same regard.)

yeah and this is before they start dating. before pran's ready to jump into a relationship. but he's already given pat every right only a boyfriend would hold over him: calling him to his room to fix his printer, cooking his favorite dish for him, letting pat stay over whenever he wants (like how he'll always return every loving act, every courageous one pat's done for him). when pat makes that unreasonable demand of bringing nong nao over to his room, pran can't refuse him bc this is the haq he's given to pat.

asking someone for help or assistance is smth that requires a truckload of pran's spirit. but pat's someone who just wants to do things for him all the time, and when pran sees that requesting help from pat is also pleasing him, asking pat becomes easy. for someone who's had to shoulder responsibility for every other person in his life, its delightful. to be loved by someone who gets giddy about lifting his loads for him, who's contentment comes from making him happy. that's what makes the printer scene so significant, why pat's eyes shift when pran tells him he wants pat to do this for him. pran gifts him that knowing how important it is to him, later uses the same knowledge against him in that scene w wai (when he asks wai to unscrew his bottlecap for him).

most importantly, he lets pat see his every emotion now, presents him full transparency. we see him let pat in freely into his room, but that was a right pat already had - pran's only hesitation was bc of his feelings. but before where pat's rights extended barely to getting a glimpse of pran's hurt, after which he would be firmly pushed away, now pran allows him to see how upset he truly is, allows pat to alleviate his mood. like a lover would.

and now pat returns that favor, smth he's never done before. pat's never let pran see him hurt before, but now bc he, too, has granted pran every haq of a lover, when he's wounded or mad, he lets it show. after the wai-guitar thing, he waits for pran to return, shows pran every aching emotion that flits across his face, later allows pran a chance to appease him when he's called to the rooftop. although, then, he knew pran probably didn't know why he was so mad, so he's sure pran's calling him for smth he needs. going anyway is bc pran has that haq over him.

these two rooftop scenes also parallel each other. each time it was wai who drove a wedge btw them, not by simply existing, but by stealing a fragment of their lives pat firmly believed was theirs and theirs alone. the song was theirs and only pat had any haq over it, till wai came in. by keeping that guitar safe w him for years, pat assumed haq over it, which was again snatched away by wai. the first time, after wai's exited, it's pran who waits for pat to look at him, so pat can see how he's hurt him, before leaving him behind. this time, it's pat who waits for pran to return, shows him his pain then shuts him out. both times it's the rooftop pran turns to, first to get away, second to fix things. and both times pat arrives later, first to explain himself, next on pran's request.

the reason the whole guitar situation wasn't resolved explicitly onscreen was bc there was no need for it to. pat's hurt and upset came from his insecurities about his place in pran's life. he understands nonverbal implications enough to know he can do this and that w pran, bc these two know each other that well. but he's the kind of person that needs blunt, verbal confirmations about where he stands in someone's life. and that pran's attempted confession gives him. ik he's hurt pran tried to use smth so personal as a winning card against him, but he's also relieved, bc pran's disclosed he definitely wants pat to be his boyfriend. pran wants him. and that's what pat needed to know.

another thing done in ep 7 was how they finally gave us clear context to pranpat's dynamics. like we understand that pran doesn't fully mean it when he pushes pat out of his room, or that he'd be happy to let him stay if it wasn't at the risk of his feelings burgeoning, but it still seemed rude of pat to neglect his pleas and saunter past his protests. ep 7 showed us that sometimes when pran or pat verbally retracted the other's haq, they would contradict themselves louder w their actions.

like this:

and this:

a bit more on the former: its never been flashed boldly onscreen, just mixed in naturally, but food is pran's love language. food is a large part of our cultures honestly, and ensuring someone's stomach is full articulates ur love more blatantly than the words 'i love you'. so when in ep 4 pran asks pat if he's eaten, it is a huge leap. thanks to nanon's acting, with how nervous pran looked about it, everyone interpreted it as such.

then in ep 5, pran lets pat have his sandwich. and i'm positive it was meant for pat. handing it to pat himself, so pat would know he made it for him would literally be the same as saying 'i'm in love w you', so obv pran puts on a show. but he's been up for a while, he's eaten. this was for pat.

again in ep 7, where both of them kind of know pat's the one who'll likely give up (pat relenting first was always part of their dynamic), when he calls pat over and cooks for him, he's genuinely surprised pat didn't cave. later when he goes over to pat's room with food and drinks, you could argue he was planning to play the same game, but he'd cooked enough for both pat and pha; he didn't intend to take it back this time. also in the last scene, the curry must have been cooked by pran. what pran's saying in that first scene entails both cooking and feeding. cooking for pat (and pha) must have been smth he'd already been doing.

and the latter: pat here has already caved in, and then tells pran it's smth he'd do for his 'lover' as if he hasn't already forsaken the bet, as if its still on - just in case pran isn't ready yet (bc the bet itself was for pran to adjust). 'letting his lover win' and acts of services are pat's love languages, thou the former is entirely pran-orientated. ofc for someone so competitive, relenting willingly to someone else is a huge deal, thou this has already been part of their dynamic since the watch scene in their childhood (and pran is the only competition capable of driving him). first it was out of gratitude, then it was out of guilt; but somewhere in between a more concrete reason blossomed: love. (it was also partly bc of their parents' dynamics.)

yielding is one thing, going out of his way to fix things for pran is another. conceding was smth he'd always done for pran, long before he fell in love, and although he says 'lover' in that scene, he v specifically means pran. bc this is a haq reserved uniquely for pran (like how this rivalry is unique to them. he didn't have a frenzied rivalry w any other love interest, so who else would he eagerly relent to as an act of love). the latter was smth that resulted only from his romantic interest in the other. pat cutting a pick out of his id card for pran, pat going to extreme lengths to help pran w the bus stop, pat begging the prof to let them back into the competition bc he knows pran wanted badly to participate, pat keeping his guitar polished for 3 years, pat following him to a rural beachside surrounded by the enemy state, pat continuing the play despite fearing his father's wrath: all of it was bc he was that deeply in love.

this diff is enunciated best in the first 4 eps. where first pat was unwilling to back off from his fight w wai, he later forces his friends to delete that video and manipulates them into helping w the bus stop. where earlier pat was visibly reluctant about shifting even as he offered to switch dorms (bc this was more out of guilt than love), he later gives pran his earphones w/o ever planning on taking them back (more out love than guilt).

anyway there's no purpose to this lol. i just wanted to rant about pranpat and the haq they'd assumed over each other long before the began dating bc i thought it revealed a lot about where they subconsciously intended their relationship to head down. haq is smth given only to those who play a pivotal role in your life, a loved one, a cherished friend. it's the way we daily say 'i love you' without words, it's how we continuously express our gratitude. and it's not smth enemies or even strangers can hold. pran and pat were told not to befriend each other, but gave the other every haq of a friend at age ten. when they found a safe ground to nurture their budding friendship in the dorms (and a shorter period in high school), the flower it blossomed into was that of romantic love, and it didn't come to either as much of a shock. like they'd known it was already destined, like it made sense to them that this is where they were headed. what they said about about going from two ppl who couldn't be friends to two ppl who couldn't be just friends was true.

#bad buddy #pranpat #is this to say that pranpat were always destined to fall in love?#yes. kind of.#they're two ppl who've always been drawn to each other #who compliment each other #who understand love not only as what it means to them but also how it manifests in others #they work so well bc they're both such active participants of their romance of their friendship #we've seen how one-sided pran's painstaking efforts in handling his friendships are #but with pat its pat who puts all that effort #all pran has to do is meet him half way #we know pat's been used by his past lovers #but pran being someone who gets scared easily and tends to hide #fights for him #i say destiny but its not as much destiny as it is them #its only destiny that they were born in houses next to each other #they were meant to meet the other #from there on their relationship was their own #but given the kind of ppl they were? it would always land on what they have now #bad buddy series #patpran #my writing

271 notes · View notes

hella1975 · 2 years

Text

when i was thirteen i broke my mother's favourite ornament. it was a fine little thing; a swan, all planes of white ceramic and a curved neck no thicker than the stem of a flower. i was too scared to tell her what i had done, even though she heard the crash from the next room. still, she waited. i don't know how long i stood there, staring at this precious thing laying shattered at my feet, but she waited. she knew, and she waited. i knew she would be angry, and i waited, like that might make it all go away. mirrors of each other, a wall between us that could not contain the sound of breaking. knowledge and fear. smoke in the very reflection we accommodated.

eventually, i picked up the clutter in trembling hands. a wing here, a broken neck there, holding the pieces so gently like that could somehow fix what had already fallen apart. i told her i dropped it, i told her it was an accident, i told her i was sorry. in turn, she told me she had owned that ornament for decades, she told me it was precious to her, she told me i was a coward for not bringing it to her straight away. the waiting didn't abate the anger. i remember crying, pieces of ceramic death sliding against each other, against my skin.

i find the metaphor of it all in this single ruination. my mother and i, and something between us. fragile, precious, loved - broken. there is an ugliness inside me that makes my hands shake, and i reach into the rawest parts of my mother, things that existed in her long before i did, and i sweep them from her shelves. anger comes first, sure and familiar. trembling gentleness comes after. it goes like this every time. i do not mean to break things, nor do i know how to fix them, but that does not put the swan back together, nor does it put the words back in my mother's mouth. there is an ugliness inside me that makes my hands shake, and i think my mother gave it to me. it is her mother's, and it is hers, and it is mine. a birthright. a curse. she did not know which of her own shelves to put it on. what is a mother and daughter if not this awful dance of shame? one must be fury, one must be a broken neck.

i put that swan back together with ugly builder's glue, not knowing what else to do, so desperate to piece it together and show it to my mother and say look, please, i'm trying.

please, tell me i haven't broken this too.

tell me i can fix this.

it sits back on that same shelf, and sometimes, we bring it up again. mostly, we laugh about it, about a young girl's clumsiness, about the crooked glue now lacerating pearly feathers. sometimes, my mother will just smile, sad, quiet in ways my mother is not. it was one of my favourites, that swan, she'll say, and i will have my answer. was. because she cannot love it how it is now, and when i was thirteen i was clumsy, but now i am older i make messes that cannot be justified so simply, and the anger seems so much stronger than the gentleness.

still, the jagged pieces of that thirteen year old are a broken puddle in my hands, and i think if i arrange them just so, i can still trace that familiar shame in the paint, this ugly mix of white ceramic and cracked glue. it is a plea i never learned to voice, a desperation my mother never learned to hear.

i think this is the best i can do.

#pour one out for the parent/child dynamic where you both have so so much love for one another #to the point you're one of each other's favourite people in the world #but you just speak completely different languages so that when things DO go wrong #it's just miscommunication after miscommunication until there's just this chasm of aching and longing and grief between you #and through it all the love is still there and that sometimes makes it hurt more #ahah relatable right.... RIGHT????#this might meet a niche audience but oh well #this is spurred mainly from how me and my mum for YEARS have been in a constant cycle of #'my cold exterior hurts her in some way and her coping mechanism of just Anger will make it worse and neither of us can fix it'#so it's just like. i have so much SHAME and guilt bc i can feel myself breaking our relationship #but instead of reaching out to me or telling me what i can do to be better or to fix this bc she's my mother and she's supposed to guide me #she just gets angry and hurt and thinks im doing it bc i just dont care enough #and i remember this swan (that's all true btw i actually did break her fav ornament lol) and i realised it's such a good metaphor #bc i remember standing in the bathroom just STARING at it #and i was so scared of her temper but i was also scared bc i knew how much she loved it and i was so upset id hurt her #but she just assumed i was being a coward and/or trying to cover it up by waiting so long #like we're just speaking two different languages and there's so much love and anger there and neither of know what to do #so apparently i took that as time to vent on The Cursed Site #i wrote this in one sitting directly into tumblr and idk where it even came from #actually that's a lie my mum text me saying the pink blossoms were out on the willow trees back home #(the ones i got tattooed bc they're very meaningul to me BC of my mum)#and things have been complicated between us ever since i went to uni but seeing that text and knowing she thought of me #and everything just really got to me and now im spiralling heyyyyyy do u still think im hot #i did not mean to rant so much i swear #pls pls pls dont acknowledge these tags #the post itself is free real estate to reblog or anything but my god im already embarrassed by these tags lmao #writing

240 notes · View notes