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vajranam · 3 years

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Power Of Virtue

Results of Doing the Ten Non-Virtues

1. Killing any living being. It includes abortion, suicide (ruining a body that could have reached nirvana in this life), and participating in the military (even being a cook, it is as if you shot the gun yourself).

Personal Result: Your life is short; and you get sick easily, have little energy.

Environmental Result: Food, drink, medicine, crops, have very little effect, are always inferior, are not nutritious, are hard to digest, and cause disease in you. Most beings around you die before reaching the end of a full life.

2. Stealing anything of value: includes shady business deals, cheating on rent, taxes, or bills, underpaying what is due to local government or society, etc.

Personal Result: You do not have enough to live on or to make ends meet; and what you do have is all just common property with others.

Environmental Result: The crops are few and far between, they have no power to remove hunger, they spoil or never come up; dry spells stay on too long; it rains too much; the crops dry up or die off.

3. Sexual Misconduct. It mainly means adultery — cheating on your partner, a person to whom you are exclusively committed. It also includes some specific secondary behaviors.

Personal Result: The people who work around you are “inconsistent” (unreliable); and you find yourself having a lot of competition for your partner.

Environmental Result: You live in a place where there is urine and feces all around, and mud, dirt, filth; everything stinks and everywhere seems unpleasant and distasteful.

4. Lying, giving someone else a wrong impression about what you have seen, believe, or know; unless it would save someone’s life or prevent real suffering. If you lie and get something, the benefit comes from past good deeds, not from the lie.

Personal Result: No one believes what you say; even when you are speaking the truth, others are always deceiving you.

Environmental Result: Your work in cooperation with others fails to prosper and people around you do not work well together; everyone generally is cheating one another and is afraid, and there are many things to be afraid of.

5. Divisive Talk, splitting people up with your talk; saying things to alienate or separate two different people, (regardless of whether or not your words are true); causing one person to like another person less; it is usually subtle, like in your tone of voice.

Personal Result: You lose friends easily; people around you are always fighting one another; and people around you have an undesirable character.

Environmental Result: The ground you live in is split up, uneven, covered with crags and gullies, highs and lows, so travel is difficult and you are always afraid and there are many things to be afraid of.

6. Harsh Talk, with bad intent and effect; it includes sarcastic “nice” words and swearing.

Personal Result: You hear many unpleasant things, you hear things as bad sounds; and when others talk to you it always seems to you as if they want to start a fight.

Environmental Result: The ground where you live is covered with obstacles like fallen tree trunks, thorns, stones, sharp broken glass; it is rough, dreary, no streams or water springs; the ground is parched and poisoned, burning hot and threatening; there are many things to fear.

7. Idle Talk, meaningless chatter, criticism, disputes, useless joking, whining, complaining, speaking out of the motive of attachment or craving; gossiping about politics, sports, etc., or about people engaged in wrong livelihood; reciting prayers while not thinking about their meaning. Gossiping about others’ values or spiritual practice. Dharma is sacred and should be discussed in holy private whispers on special nights, not casually — talk in hushed tones, very beautiful sacred speech, talk about inspiring things. As an aspiring bodhisattva, you may need to discuss mundane topics with others for their benefit, but keep the ultimate goal in mind, and do not be drawn into worldly conversations.

Personal Result: No one listens to you; no one respects what you say — no one thinks that what you say has any particular value; and you are afflicted with a lack of confidence and self-esteem.

Environmental Result:Fruits refuse to grow, or grow at the wrong times, seem ripe when they are not, have frail roots; there are no leisure places around like parks, or pools of cool water; many things around make you afraid.

8. Craving/Coveting, is similar to coveting in the Ten Commandments. Wanting others’ possessions and personal qualities like their intelligence, health, fame, youth, or spiritual achievements. It comes in five stages: you are attached to your own possessions, desire to accumulate more than you have, discover another’s possessions, like to make them your own, and the desire becomes unmanageable and you “lose shame” (then you act).

Personal Result: Your personality is dominated by desire; and you are never satisfied with what you have.

Environmental Result: Every good thing you manage to find starts to get worse, decrease as days, months, and seasons pass.

9. Ill-Will, is to wish bad things upon others; being pleased when others fail or have misfortune; competitiveness, like “Oh, how did they mess up? Tell me more…” not feeling as bad for an unfortunate person as you would feel for yourself if you were them.

Personal Result: Your personality is dominated by anger; you are always finding yourself without help, or never find the help you need; and you are always hurting others, or always being hurt by others.

Environmental Result: You live in a world of chaos, diseases spread, evil is everywhere, plague, conflict, fear of harm from the military, dangerous animals, you are surrounded by harmful spirits, thieves or muggers, etc.

10. Wrong View, “Incorrect world view” means not regarding karma as being the direct cause of every microsecond of experience we have. This leads to doing misdeeds #1–9.

Personal Result: Your personality is dominated by stupidity; you are a person who keeps harmful views; and you are a deceitful person.

Environmental Result: You live in a world where the single highest source of happiness is steadily disappearing from the earth; where people think that unclean and suffering things are actually nice and happy; where there is no place to go, no one to help you, nothing to protect you.

THE TEN VIRTUES

Any actions we do that cause both oneself and others to experience happiness as a result are known as virtuous actions. The classification of virtuous actions is:

Not taking the life of living beings

Not taking what is not freely given

Abstaining from sexual misconduct

Speaking truthfully

Not engaging in divisive speech

Speaking gentle words

Not gossiping

Not coveting the wealth of others

Giving up holding ill-will towards others

Right view

Contrary at what we think virtues wasn't here before the Buddha teaching, we can find on vedic and pte hindu text the notion of virtues very similar, now when we come to Buddha teaching Shakyamuni stress on those virtues because he realised that without that nothing happened.

Virtues is rightous act made in selfless action, without thinking “ gonna get good karma doing this “ , virtues are made in selfless mind to.

How do we do virtues by practicing the Dharma ? So we do virtues because first we renounce to samsara, second we want to practice for sake of all sentient beings and last we generate bodhichitta. Without those we won’t make any virtues, now virtues applications so yes we will mess up in today world full of extreme yes we will do non vitues to cancel them we need to confess fault and hiden fault by the body, speach and mind.

There's a zen proverb that say that the zen master made more mistakes than the students. So making mistakes well it’s normal our day will be more grey tham pure with or dark. What we mistaken to be like Garchen Rinpoche for example that years of work, Garchen Rinpoche himself said himself if we look to his karma he didn't had much virtues but he didn't give up on Dharma not even for a day.

That same attitude we need to have, yes we will face hardship someday we will make just non virtues and that ok because we will regret transform and carry on its part of learning Dharma to the deep.

It’s very easy to see if we got virtues and on what we use those virtues, in past I was worried about money because I was very poor, till I notice well I am not so poor because I met Karmapa, Shamarpa, took refuge very high vows with Garchen Rinpoche, recived empowerments that Milarepa himself had, wasn't poor was extremely ritch I just noticed that virtues was in Dharma there for I focus on those and left the rest. So we maybe poor, ritch or whatever but we can see on what way go our virtues for example in our life there's an area that very grow that where is our virtues, after that area maybe not Dharma mean we actually burning virtues and if we want to practice we need to develop bodhi mind .

#mahasiddhas #wisdom #spirituality #mindfulness #meditation #religion #buddhism #self care #zen #visualization #tibet

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joy1579 · 4 years

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The RFA boys and how they express love

I swear someday I’ll play jaehee’s route and I’ll come update this to include her but right now I’m on the route of pain and sorrow and I don’t know how to stop. its only like day 4 of the “another story route” and I don’t see this shiz getting any less painful. if anyone wants to send me jumin or yoosung fluff it would be much appreciated oh and also is there an easier way to tag?

anyways without further ado. I hope you guys enjoy my take on how the RFA boys express their love.

Jumin

If its planned: spoiling you he buys gifts. he loves your smile when he surprises you with a gift and you love the goofy grin on his face when he gets to spoil you. At first it made you nervous. You didn’t like the idea that he thought he had to buy your love. You didn’t want him thinking you stayed with him just because of the money, especially since you would gladly stay with him even if he had nothing. You confronted him about this after your first valentines together. You didn’t plan on crying though and the second the first tear fell you could see Jumin’s heart break. He explained that he wasn’t giving you gifts to make you stay, he bought you gifts because he would pass by something and think of you. He bought you gifts because even the thought of your smile made his day better. he bought you gifts because he loved you and not to make you love him. You launched yourself at him catching him off guard you tumbled to the floor together as you nuzzled into his chest. He laughed at your antics as he wrapped his arms around you in kind.

If its unplanned: physical affection He isn’t used to affection. Especially romantic affection so his tolerance is fairly low. He can tend to get swept up in the heat of his emotions so when he gets overwhelmed by his feelings towards you there’s only really one outlet. (wink wink) he doesn’t enjoy PDA however so more often than not he’ll whisk you away to somewhere private. The second his lips meet yours you practically drown in his passion and you wonder how anyone could call this man a robot when he his every movement was filled with love and heart. You suppose you could be the only one who has the privilege of seeing him like that and pride wells up within you as you lean into his embrace. You love him like this just like you love him when he sits at his desk working intently. Everything about him seems to call out to you and in this moment you hope he can feel it.

Yoosung

If its planned: games with you fun it this cutie pies middle name. he plans dates complete with games and roleplaying adventures (look at his valentines DLC where y’all played like it was your first date). He enjoys nothing more than seeing you laugh and play with him. Sometimes he worries you won’t take him seriously though especially after someone else treats him like a child. You always know this has happened because he’s not up for your normal games. He gets agitated when you call him puppy and cutie. This is your cue to remind him that being cute doesn’t make him less manly. You tell him you love his cute side because no matter how hard your day was he never fails to make you smile. You remind him you chose him. You chose him and no one else.

If it isn’t planned: takes care of you this precious boy is all about acts of service. You wonder if it has anything to do with his Kink desire for praise. He wants to do things for you. Anything! He likes to cook for you and help you study or teach you a new mechanic in your game. It makes him feel strong even if he can’t beat someone in a fist fight. The more he helps you the more useful and secure he feels. You assure him that he doesn’t have to do anything to earn your love and affection “you just have to be yourself puppy! I love you for you not what you do!” but you let him keep doing things because it gives you a good excuse to praise him and the look in his eyes when you praise him it far too good to give up. He gets all red and starry eyed you could almost swear he’s having an out of body experience. You’ll admit you get a bit uneasy when other people praise him because of this though, that being said you don’t want to stop it if it makes him happy. So instead you simply double up on your cuddles and praise when you get home.

Saeyoung

If its planned: hand made gifts for Saeyoung a gift means nothing if it’s not personalized. When he gives a gift its always handmade or hand built maybe. Either way its hours spent to prove how much he cares about you. You can guarantee that a gift from him is more than the sum of its parts. He likes watching you interact with his latest gadget discovering all its hidden uses and programs. His favorite part is when he can tell its surprised you, he thinks the mixture of shock and mirth on you face is the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. Every gift he gives you gets increasingly complex, from that first robotic cat made to simply keep you company to his latest gift which even after 3 months your still finding new things the glowing long cat robot (extendo-elly the 4th) can do.

If its unplanned humor he loves to make you smile. His jokes and memelord nature wasn’t completely for show. He genuinely enjoys seeing you laugh. He’s constantly looking for new ways to have you ROTFL’ing. Once he sent you a meme completely in binary just so he could watch you translate it and face palm while you giggled to yourself. He considers the times when you punch him playfully tears of laughter in your eyes to be a rousing success. He learned pretty fast you enjoyed his cosplay that you always thought one of two things. You either thought it was beautiful or you had to practically bite you hand to stop your giggles. His showmanship only grows from there. If you’re feeling down, he makes it his life’s purpose to bring your smile back even if it means making a fool of himself (especially if it means making a fool of himself).

Zen

If its planned quality time Zen just wants to spend time with you. He likes being near you even if you’re doing nothing. When he does his strength training you do yoga, when he practices lines in the living room your sitting on the floor laptop in hand. He likes to be near you so he plans date’s where you can simply be together. Stargazing, motorcycle rides, even trips to museums if that’s what your into (though you might have to help him understand why that stuff is important). he likes catching glimpses of you while acting, hearing your voice while he’s chatting with a fan, recognizing your perfume as you rush past him for an onset project. It’s partly why he wanted you as his manager, the other part was that you where damn good at it. You could juggle the RFA party and his shooting schedule and the upcoming auditions like you were born for it. Honestly he was just so thrilled to be with you whenever possible.

If its unplanned praise let’s face it this boy is dramatic as all get out. So when he gets overwhelmed he can’t help but revert to those cheesy lines from his plays. He’ll shower you in praise and love and you’re always a little worried that one day he’ll just start spouting Shakespeare. he calls you princess and angel while fawning over you because he just can’t help it he loves you and if he can’t spirit you away to a nice private place when he can unleash the beast, then he’ll simply have to verbally drown you in praise and love.

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puckyess · 4 years

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I Hope | Roman Ahcan

Based on the song I Hope // Gabby Barret. I hope you like it!

*** FEEDBACK IS APPRECIATED ***

Words: 4.6k

“I hope you both feel the sparks by the end of the drive I hope you know she's the one by the end of the night I hope you never ever felt more free Tell your friends that you're so happy I hope she comes along and wrecks every one of your plans I hope you spend your last dime to put a rock on her hand I hope she's wilder than your wildest dreams She's everything you're ever gonna need And then I hope she cheats Like you did on me”

One year ago

Your world had been shattered in the matter of 30 seconds and one message. Your boyfriend, well soon to be ex, was lip locked with a girl who was not his girlfriend, a girl who was not you. And you had the evidence in the form of a very high quality picture sitting in your hands. Just like that, your sanity was gone and insecurity took its place.

You manically paced the floor of your apartment, hysterical little laughs exploding from you every time you thought about the man who you had thought was your future. It was like you couldn’t even process the information right in front of your eyes. The person in that picture, with his hands on her waist was not your boyfriend. Your boyfriend would never do that to you. And yet the picture said otherwise, with his hat on backwards, the ends of his hair curling up just so- the way you liked, the gleam of his silver chain visible as it peaked out from his white shirt that you had bought him, and the corner of his mouth turned up through the kiss in his signature smirk. You knew exactly how his lips would feel in that moment, if it had been you in that picture. But it wasn’t.

The phrase that echoed through your head is what had you almost on your knees, begging for this to be some cruel joke. It bounced around in your head, traveled through your body, sank into your bones, and broke your heart. Your boyfriend just cheated on you. Your boyfriend was is cheating on you. Your boyfriend had been cheating on you. The tears still didn’t come, they prickled the back of your eyes but you couldn’t manage to force them to spill out. You couldn't even get your body to function properly right now. Your mind had other things to worry about besides silly things like tears. Tears wouldn’t undo the pain that he had just inflicted.

You thought about every moment that had transpired between the two of you over the past - what you had thought was a glorious year and a half- and questioned which of those he had pictured with her instead. Every morning you had woken up beside him, a small smile on his still sleeping lips, was he dreaming of her? Every time his eyes slipped closed when your fingers tangled in his hair, was he thinking of her hands? Every time he had stormed out of your place after a fight, had he gone to her place instead? Every little hideaway he had shown you, had he shown her too? What about the parts of him that you thought he had shared with only you? Did she know Roman the same way you thought you had. You had given yourself to him in more ways than one and as it turns out he had given himself to more than just you. The realization is enough to make you fall to the floor, skipping the tears altogether and instead indulging in ugly, body wrenching sobs.

This is how he finds you hours later, collapsed on the floor. He’s instantly worried, moving to check on you. “Y/N, Baby are you okay? What’s going on? Talk to me sweetie” he coos as he goes to pick you up off the floor. But he freezes just as quickly as he had started toward you when he sees the picture displayed on your phone on the floor.

At some point during the night, your body and mind had gone numb. So much so, that it was scaring you. You had never felt this empty. You needed to feel something, even if it was pain and the picture did the trick. So you had found the message Owen had sent you and tortured yourself to remind yourself that the boy who was coming home to you tonight, didn’t always come home to just you. He did not belong in your life. It was effective enough, keeping you anchored on the floor in the middle of the living room long enough for him to see some of the damage he had caused.

“Y/N...I - I can explain” he tries, swallowing hard.

You move yourself to a seated position, the best you can manage at this point, as you decide which question you want to hurl at him first. Even though you want to ask “do you love me?” The answer is clear as day with what he has done. Actions speak louder than words, right?

So you settle on, “Was this the first time?”. And even this one, you think you know the answer to as well. But you give him the benefit of the doubt and ask anyway.

You can see the wheels turning in his head, the beautiful Madison lights casting his face in a glow that hours ago you would’ve made him stand frozen in place to capture on camera.

Now however, you wanted nothing more than to escape the moment. “Now, Roman. I’m not asking again”, you bark at him.

He flinches and the small action hurts your heart still even though he had already destroyed it. You never raised your voice at him.

“No”, he decides he should be honest, for the first time in a while.

You nod, accepting the dagger to your heart. “How long?”

He grimaces at your question. “How long have you been with her?” You repeat.

He tries to dance around the question, “I’m sorry, Y/N, I know I fucked up, but we haven’t really been the same for a while now..”

“That’s bullshit and you know it, Roman. How long? You can’t possibly be worried about hurting my feelings at this point so just spit it out”.

He hates that you’re right. Why wasn’t he just telling it to you straight? He’d already hurt you and he knew that, but doing things behind your back, especially when he swore each time was the last, was different from hurting you when he was standing right in front of you and could see the pain in your eyes and hear it in your voice.

“Four months” he finally tells you.

You let out a bitter laugh as you think back to your life four months ago and it registers which night it probably was. “Oh you mean the night we went to that women’s soccer party and had that huge blowout because I didn’t like how you were flirting with every girl there, including Owen’s girlfriend by the way, and you flipped out on me and called me insecure, swearing you were ‘just friends’ with those girls and ‘would never do that to me’ and ‘how dare I question your loyalty’?”

He hangs his head, having completely forgotten about the fight you two had gotten into that night, screaming at each other in the street. It was your first big fight. You had cried half the night in your room, not letting him in. He had sat on the couch listening to your quiet sobs for a while, but instead of waiting to comfort and reassure you, he had left and gone back to the party.

“I went back” he admits.

“And then you still had the balls to meet me for brunch and let me apologize all over myself the very next morning, classy Roman. What, did you come straight from her place?”

The way he won’t meet your gaze still tells you everything you need to know and you couldn’t have felt more like a fool.

You’re angry now though as you push yourself up from the floor. Out of instinct Roman moves to help you stand. The look you give him though makes him recoil and snatch his hand back. You park yourself in a chair and gesture for him to do the same. He’s confused at your shift in mood but does as he’s told and takes a seat on the couch.

“So what’s her name?”

He's still confused but answers your question anyway, a simple one thank god.

“What’s she like? What drew you to her? What makes her special?” You gush, leaning forward with your legs crossed an arm propping up your head.

“Come on, Y/N…” he says, not really knowing what else to say. Did you really want to know?

“Nope, you don’t make the rules anymore. You gave that up four months ago. I want to know what it is about her that’s better than me”, you push. And you really do. What does this girl have that you don’t.

And so you sit and listen to your boyfriend tell you all about the girl he’s been seeing since four months ago. You listen good and hard, letting every word cut you deep. They both felt the sparks, she came right up to him and made her intentions known, apparently while you were helping his teammate clean up after wiping out on the stairs. She was confident. She had a reputation, but he saw past it. He always did see the good in everyone, you say to yourself shaking your head. She had a past and apparently he was her future just as he had been yours. Once your ears were so full of her and he was taking it almost too far, telling you about how he knew she was the one by the end of the night, you switched gears yet again, needing to feel something other than pathetic.

“So you obviously fucked her I'm assuming?” You question him with an eyebrow raised.

He shifts in his seat. The blunt question a complete contrast to the sweet nothings you had previously asked about.

“I..-Er. Uhhh.” Hes stumbling over his words, flustered.

“Well if you’ve been seeing her for four months, you have to be fucking right? It’s not like you to keep it in your pants that long, is it? Hell, you had me bent over for you the first night we met”. Referencing his past was a low blow and you could see that at the hurt that flashes across his face, but none of it was a lie and at this point he deserved it. He’d played right into his own reputation, after all.

“That’s not fair, Y/N. But to answer your question, if you must know, then yes, I am fucking her” he says and there’s bite to his words.

You snort in response, “Not fair? Not fair is thinking the man you’ve given heart to would respect it and love it back and then getting completely fucked over and him acting like everything is fine for four months. That’s not fair, but nice try, it was cute”

It was like he completely forgot that he was the one on trial here, that he was the one who royally fucked you over and he had the audacity to play victim and claim your comment was “unfair”.

“So how good is she in bed? On a scale of 1-10? Does she make you see stars every time you cum? Does she make you say her name like a prayer and make you beg for it to the point where it’s the only words you know?” You push forward, wanting to make him squirm.

You were making him uncomfortable, this much was clear as the heat rose to his cheeks and he changes positions on the coach three times before swallowing hard and speaking. “Why are you doing this? Why do you want to know this stuff?” He pleads.

Refusing to back down, you ignore his question. “Oh come on, baby. I know you love to talk dirty. What’s the problem now?” You say in a patronizing voice.

He still gives you an unsure look. “It’s just. I don’t know, doesn’t it bother you? I don’t know what difference it makes”.

You laugh then, both at his choice of words, and at his sudden consideration of your feelings. “Bother” is used for something small like a fly, not hearing the sex details of your boyfriend’s mistress and he had already cheated and lied for four months, it was a little late for your feelings.

“If you’re ‘’man’ enough to cheat on me and fuck some other girl then you can be ‘man’ enough to sit across from me and spill every juicy detail” you spit at him.

He doesn’t even know why he questions you, he should be doing everything you ask and groveling at your feet right now. Actually he does know, he still cares about you even though he hasn’t shown it. He doesn’t want to watch as his words rip you apart piece by piece. He doesn’t want to watch as you fall apart in front of him or hear the way you wail his name and then tell him to keep going. He hates the way you’re wiping at your tears with your own hands and even more, that he’s the one causing them. He can’t hold you or comfort you, he can only keep killing you with his words. He swears you’re going to kill him yourself, as eventually white hot anger takes over your features. You swear at him and yell, but it’s nothing compared to the look that follows it. It absolutely terrifies him when there’s no expression on your face at all. No pain, no sadness, no anger, no emotion whatsoever. That’s when he knows he’s lost you and for good. You stare right past him and say “We’re done here. I think you should go”.

There’s no look of recognition for the boy in front of you as you walk him to the door, as you really don’t know who he is anymore. And there’s no sentiment in your voice as you tell him “I hope she cheats like you did on me”, shutting the door on him.

—

Present

It was 2 am on a Friday, technically Saturday, when you thought you’d heard a knock on your door. Your sleep schedule was messed up and you were still awake watching reruns of Friends. Whoever it was knocked again but you weren’t expecting any visitors, especially at this hour so you grab the hockey stick from under your bed and slowly creep toward the door. The person was now banging repeatedly and your heart matched every thump. You cursed yourself for not taking your dad up on his offer to install a peep hole last week, swearing you could do it yourself and then not having had time to do it yet. It really would’ve come in handy right now. There’s a pause in the knocking and so holding your breath you swing open the door, stick in hand.

Standing on the other side is someone you haven’t seen in over a year, but he still takes your breath away like the very first time. “Roman”, you breathe out. At hearing his name, he turns your way, a nervous hand rubbing at the back of his neck, a habit he never could shake.

You take a moment to take each other in, the subtle differences that happen from a year’s time. He looks tired, there’s bags under his eyes, but good all the same. His hair is a bit longer and he’s started growing light facial hair along his jawline. His shoulders are somehow broader. You’d bet his thighs were thicker too, you couldn’t tell for sure, but he seemed to fill out the grey sweats he was wearing more than you last remembered. You bit your lip as those were some of your favorites and you had told him so many times when you were together. His skin still held some of that summer tan and in an instant, all the feelings you had for him were flooding back.

He took in your appearance as well. He didn’t even question the hockey stick in your hand, he was too focused on the rest of you. Even in just a big T-shirt, you still took his breath away. It wasn't his, but it was one of the newer hockey ones the team had just gotten and he wondered who had given theirs to you. He made a mental note to question it at practice that week. He had fucked up over a year ago, he knew that now. Your hair was lighter and the spatter of freckles across your cheeks and nose was a little more filled in now. Your bare legs looked more toned. He couldn’t help but wonder how they’d feel wrapped around his waist.

Watching his stare travel down your body you suddenly felt self conscious, having not had him look at you like that in so long. You cleared your throat and his eyes snapped back up to your puzzled face. “What’re you doing here Roman?”

“I know I’m probably the last person you expected to see, Y/N”, you nodded in confirmation “and probably the last person you wanted to see”, he says with a sheepish smile.

You shrug, “I hadn’t really been expecting to see anyone at all. It’s like 2 in the morning?”

He nods, knowing it’s absurd that he’s here. “I have no right to ask this of you, but can I come in?”

You blink in surprise at his request, heavily weighing what letting him in will lead to in the long run vs closing the door in his face. He’s subtly trying to peer around you, praying that he’s not interrupting something and you don’t already have company.

Following your still bruised heart and not your head, you step aside and let him into your apartment. Even though it’s been so long, he doesn’t look one bit out of place in your space.

Just as he took in the slight changes in your appearance, he took in the slight adjustments you had made to your apartment. You had rearranged the furniture, even getting a new couch. Gone was the one where he had ripped your heart out over a year ago and in its place, a new black sectional. Good riddance he thought. You had changed the canvases that were on the wall, but left the Wisco tapestry that was the background of so many of his pictures. The counters were clean and the place itself looked less cluttered without all of his hockey stuff laying all over the place. There was a still a Badgers hoodie thrown over the chair in the corner, one that he could’ve sworn Lindy had been asking about at practice the other day and he spied Lex’s ugly hot pink charger plugged in over by the couch, a pair of Cole’s Jack Hughes slides by the door. He was glad the boys hadn’t abandoned you when he did.

You had put away the pictures of the two of you that used to sit on the side table and scatter the fridge, but you had left a singular picture up of you and him with some of the team from your first Fourth of July together. His arm was around your waist, pulling you into his side. The boys’ arms were thrown around your shoulders. Your head was thrown back with laughter and there was a beaming smile plastered on his face that never seemed to leave when he was around you. He almost got choked up staring at the picture. He just wished he could go back in time.

“I couldn’t bring myself to take that one down.” You spoke up from behind him. “I know we ended on bad terms, but we had some damn good times”. There was sadness in your voice, but a hint of something else too. Maybe forgiveness? Acceptance?

Putting the picture back, he agrees with you. “We did, didn’t we? That’s kind of the reason I’m here”.

You suck in a breath. “Roman I’ve worked hard to put all that behind me. I really don’t want to dredge it back up again. Especially after so long…” you were over the situation. It still hurt like hell and he had broken you beyond what you had thought you could repair, but you had picked yourself up and were stronger now than ever. That night wasn’t something you thought about much at all anymore, but you knew he could change that in an instant.

“No, no, no! That’s not what I’m here for at all, not really anyways”, he says quickly.

“Then what are you here for?” You ask, nervously chewing on your lip.

He looks around like he doesn’t really want to get to the point. You surprise yourself and pat the spot next to you on the couch. He gives you the same look you inwardly give yourself, but can’t fight it as his body leads him to you. He’s careful not to sit too close but he’s still close enough to make your heart race.

“Do you remember what your last words to me were?” He asks.

Of course you remembered. They chorused through your head for the weeks to come. They were harsh, but you’d meant them.

“I hope she cheats like you did on me”.

“Is it ok for me to talk about her with you? We’re over if that makes you feel better about it” he asks.

Were you ready to hear whatever it is he was about to tell you? You’d never know if you didn’t let him continue. You did note, too that he was no longer with her.

“You’re already here on my couch, Ro. Might as well get out whatever it is you came here to say”.

His heart flutters at your use of his nickname. He had refused to let any of the guys call him that because it reminded him of you. He hadn’t heard it in so long, it felt so good he almost forgot what he was here to do.

“I don’t even know where to start. I guess maybe with that I really thought she was it, I didn’t leave you for some fling I really thought I was in love..she was...she was wilder than my wildest dreams. I felt everything you’re supposed to feel, the sparks, that happy, free feeling. & I’m so sorry if any of this hurts you to hear, just tell me to stop ok?” He asked softly.

You nodded, you’d already told yourself every hurtful thing in the book, hearing it from him shouldn’t be much different. You urged him on. “I was in so deep with her, I didn’t know up from down, wrong from right. I’d call her in the middle of the highway drive home from roadies with a huge smile on my face and in a blur I’d be home, time just wasn’t a thing when I talked to her, I’d hear a song and start singing along thinking about her. I’d tell all the guys I was so happy. I think they could kind of see through the whole thing though”.

You raised your eyebrows at that and he looked over at you. “They’re big fans of yours, you know. They had their suspicions about this girl from the getgo. They knew it wasn’t real like it was with you. They could see it wouldn’t last like I thought it would. Hell, I thought she was everything I was ever gonna need. She wrecked every single one of my plans. My plans for my future, I was ready to call it quits on hockey after this year and move out to Texas with her. Wrecked my plans with you, in every way...I am so sorry”.

You and Roman used to stay up all night talking about those plans. Hearing him mention them again, even in this context had you wishing that they were all still a possibility, the little lake house in Minnesota and mini Romans running around while he lived out his hockey dream. You would’ve done anything to give that life to him.

He pulls you from your thoughts when he continues, “ I thought I had it all figured out. I had even bookmarked the ring she kept showing me, even though it would’ve cost me my last dime”.

Your heart breaks as he says this, knowing how he felt about marriage. He didn’t really care about the ceremony, he’d get married in a courthouse or at Vegas for all he cared. He only wanted you by his side, well at the time anyway. To know that he had gotten that far with her, brought up every feeling from that night and you knew that this was a very bad idea to have him here, in your place, on your couch so close to you. You began to pull away from him, but he didn’t notice. His head was leaned against the top of the couch, his eyes trained on the ceiling.

“And then at 2 am I’m flipping through snap and I get one from her friend. She’s hanging all over some guy. I’m obviously pissed but I couldn’t get mad at her for just having her arms around him right? But then the next one is her with her tongue down his throat.”

You’re silent next to him, tracing patterns on the blanket on your lap, knowing the situation all too well. He wants to reach over and touch you but he resists, needing to finish his story first.

“I stayed up all night, waiting for her to come home. I was literally pacing by the door for hours. She never did come home though. I suppose you can guess where she was and what she was doing. She didn’t even bother to call until the next day, I’d had my phone in my hand the whole night thinking she’d call. I’d never felt more pathetic. Not even after that 9-1 loss last season,” he tries to joke, but you can tell he’s serious.

“That was a pretty bad game…” you acknowledged, giving him a small smile.

He chuckles at your efforts and he’s hit once again with how much he’s missed you.

The way he’s looking at you is one you’ve seen many times before. It’s a look that tells you he’s about to do something you don’t know that you’re ready for, even if you want to be, so you try to keep him on track. “So what did she say when she finally called?”

He’s broken from his trance and clears his throat, letting his head roll back to face the ceiling again. “That she was wasted and had no idea what she was doing. Didn’t even remember it apparently.”

Your brows furrowed together as you tried to follow what he was saying. “But how did she know to call you about it then?”

“Exactly. I hadn’t even left any voicemails or messages or anything. I hadn’t known what to say at the time. I didn’t want it to be over yet you know?”

And you did know. You and Roman were supposed to last forever and you were prepared for that, you wanted that. You were more prepared for forever than you were for having your time with him cut short.

“So I told her it was okay. That I forgave her and maybe it was my fault too. I should’ve gone out with her that night like she had wanted. We agreed that we needed to start new again, so I took her out on another first date and when we kissed, sparks flew all over again. I was just as deep, thinking she was still the one by the end of the night. And then she cheated three weeks later again. Apparently it had been everytime I left town, for months. I felt like such an idiot. I questioned every interaction we’d ever had. She fucked with my head”.

She had made him feel the same way about her that you had felt about him, that you feel about him and then she’d made him feel exactly how he’d made you feel when he cheated on you. You had been listening intently, but your eyes were trained on your hand that was still tracing patterns on the blanket on your lap. Your tracing is paused however when he grabs your hand in his and uses his finger to tip your chin up to look in his eyes. It’s the first time he’s touched you all night and you’d be lying if it didn’t ignite a fire inside of you and put butterflies in your stomach.

“I am so beyond sorry for what I did to you and for what I put you through. I’ll never forgive myself for throwing away what we had and lying about it time after time. I don’t deserve forgiveness for that, especially from you. I’m sorry that it took her cheating on me to understand the level of hurt that I had caused you. I betrayed you in the worst way, in every way really. You didn’t deserve that and I’m so so sorry for hurting you”. The playful smirk that normally finds itself present on his face is nowhere to be seen as his eyes bore into your soul and his voice sends shivers down your spine with how much conviction is behind the words he just spoke.

“I wanted her to wreck you”, you honestly tell him, your voice practically a whisper. Anything louder and he might’ve picked up on the way your voice broke at the end. With one visit he had practically undone a years worth of work. You wanted him, and you wanted him bad. You could forgive him, you already had, but you could never trust him the same.

Unlike the last time he had seen you, when you stared right through him; this time your face was full of so many emotions. It was so close to his. It would take him a handful of inches to close the distance between your lips and his. It was hard for him to think straight.

“I know babygirl, and I deserved it. I really did. I didn’t come here tonight to try and ruin the life you’ve built for yourself without me in it. I won’t try to earn your love back if you don’t want me to, I know I owe you that much at least. I just came to tell you how sorry I was for putting you through all that I did. I understand that now. But hey, you got what you wanted”, he says with a sad smile.

And there it was. That damn nickname that had your resolve melting on the spot. He had good intentions, coming here and you did still feel for him, your heart hurt at the hurt he had gone through, but he never would’ve had to experience that had he not cheated. As much as you wanted him back, you couldn’t go through that again.

“I forgive you, Ro, I really do. It’s the forgetting that’s the hard part. I can forgive, but I can’t forget”.

#roman ahcan #owen lindmark #alex turcotte #cole caufield #mine #my writing

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theseaeaglelives · 5 years

Text

Round 25

THE SEA EAGLE

MAKING RUGBY LEAGUE GREAT AGAIN!!!

Round 25

Manly Sea Eagles 16

Defeated by

Parramatta Eels 32

From the outset it was obvious that the primary focus of both teams was to achieve the outcome that would avoid them having to line up against the rampant Brisbane Bronco’s in week one of the finals next week.

The Eels bolted out of the gates and opened the scoring after 4 minutes through veteran centre Michael Jennings. When former Sea Eagle Clint Gutherson crossed minutes later, at 12-0 to the Eels it looked like a rout was in the offering and that the Eels would achieve their primary objective.

Manly had their chances with ball in hand, but without Tommy Turbo lacked polish and were unable to convert opportunities into points in the first half. A raft of penalty conversions and it was the Eels that held a commanding 16-2 lead at the break.

Via two tries to live-wire replacement hooker Manase Fainu, Manly were able to mount a comeback and with 20 minutes remaining had reduced the deficit to 22-16 they seemed to have all the momentum. Young Fainu is a promising prospect for Manly and it is a testament to his potential that Nimby Koresou has been shipped of to the Panthers next year.

Manly’s momentum was halted when gun centre-three quarter Brad Parker was KO’d by Kane Evans (who was binned) in the 67th minute. Without young Parker Manly’s final 10 minutes was a comedy of errors which included

- Marty Tapou being penalised for playing the ball too fast when Manly seemed certain to score.

- Despite being down to 12 men the Eels scored in the ensuing set

- Schoolboy handling error by Cherry Baby

- Forward pass by young backrower Corey Waddell who was filling-in, for Parker in the centres

- Despite being still with 12 men the Eels scored in the ensuing set with only 1-minute remaining.

The final try ensured that at 32-16 the Eels would leapfrog Manly into 5th place (on for and against) and avoid the rampaging Bronco’s.

Unfortunately for the Eels, the Bulldogs did not read the script and gave the not-so-rampant Bronco’s a towelling the following day thus consigning the Bronco’s to 8th place and a date with the Eels next week.

Next week Manly take on their perennial whipping boys The Sharks at Lottoland*. Manly’s dominance against the Shark’s dating back to the early 1970’s has been well documented and if there was to be a team that Manly would want to face up to in a final it would be the Sharks.

That said, without Tommy Turbo, Manly have been very flat in attack and will need to lift on their performances in the past two rounds. Add to this Manly are also likely to be without Marty Taupou who dished out a nasty high shot and could find himself suspended.

Lottoland set to keep final as Manly fan faces lengthy NRL ban By Sam Phillips SMH September 2, 2019 — 5.38pm

Lottoland will not be stripped of its first home final in more than a decade despite an ugly incident involving a spectator and Melbourne centre Will Chambers on Saturday.

NRL chief executive Todd Greenberg on Sunday warned the ground was in danger of being ruled ineligible to host a qualifying final next weekend due to security concerns after a Sea Eagles fan lashed out at Chambers. The governing body takes control of match-day operations during finals and NRL head of football Graham Annesley said the walkway which the Manly supporter reached through as he approached Chambers would not be opened as it typically is during play.

"There is a cage there as everyone knows which slides down and effectively cuts the tunnel or the gateway off from the general public. Because it was a sin bin and wasn’t at the start of the game or in the second half or full-time it wasn’t closed entirely," Annesley said.

"But when it comes to a finals game we will be in charge of all those matters and we wouldn’t expect a repeat of that.

"We’ll certainly be making sure that should something like that happen around a sin bin, there will be no opportunity for that cage not to be completely closed."

The NRL's investigation into the incident is ongoing but the man has not been charged by NSW Police.

A source familiar with the police investigation said Chambers had not made a formal complaint and a Storm official confirmed the club has decided to move on from the matter altogether.

While he may have escaped police charges, the man will be handed a ban by the NRL.

Annesley said the man in question would not be permitted back at an NRL game for "quite a while".

"People are fully entitled to go to our games and say and do whatever they want as long as they stay in the position they need to be and don’t go near any players or officials in an aggressive type of way.

"That will be dealt with over the next few days but I would suggest to you it will be quite a while before that particular person is back at an NRL game."

Sea Eagle Comment

The cage is a Manly institution at Brookvale Oval. Over many decades Manly fans have been given their God given right and opportunity to absolutely verbally spray opposition teams and players . Any opposition player who walks through the cage can expect nothing less than a full boar level of abuse should said player be deserving of same (and in some cases even if he's not deserving of it ).

The only problem here is that for some reason the Manly officials were unable to keep the demarcation line well defined. There is no way that a player and an irate Manly supporter should ever come face to face in the cage. That was never the intention of the cage. The purpose of the cage is to allow Manly fans the ability to vent their frustrations where it should be vented, that is at opposition players (but with the general safety of knowing the player the subject of the abuse is in the cage whilst the fan is safely outside the cage) .

Graham Annesley at the NRL is absolutely correct when he says “People are fully entitled to go to our games and say and do whatever they want as long as they stay in the position they need to be and don’t go near any players or officials in an aggressive type of way”.

Unfortunately on any literal interpretation of this statement by the NRL, one can only now assume that the NRL fully condones racial vilification , homophobic slurs , sexist commentary, swearing and general rugby League supporter bad behaviour and unpleasantness (as long as you pay to enter the ground and don’t come into contact with players or NRL or club officials). Which if anyone has ever been to an NRL fixture is standard fare. Particularly if said supporter has had a few too many at the beer tent .

Thankfully the NRL is finally “getting it “. The needs of the fans must be paramount, as long there are well established boundaries (in this case the simple concept that if you are a fan, you must not go inside the cage).

The NRL has not confirmed that the NRL ground on game day is the last place where someone can go and say whatever they want in this latte sipping, politically correct, super sundae soft landscape that is modern day Australia.

Regrettably what the NRL is not getting is the drivel and low standard Rugby League that has been dished up in rounds 23 -25 this season on free to air television .

In this final round 25 we had a cracking fixture that was going to determine positions 7 and 8 in the Top 8 namely the Sharks vs the Tigers only to see that fixture being given to the dreaded Foxtel . Instead Sunday afternoon free to air football dished up a no relevance contest between the Knights and the Panthers seeing the Knights smashed by 50 plus points. Saturday night was even worse when the best the NRL could come up with on free to air TV was last placed Gold Coast Titans versus second last St George Dragons.

The Manly v Eels fixture was played at 6 PM on Friday night and was given no free to air coverage even though this had a bearing on positions 5 and 6 in the Top 8. Instead on Friday evening on free to air, another no relevance contest was displayed, this time the Filthy rorting Storm ( a team form Melbourne) v the going nowhere Cowboys ( and team from far North Queensland). How many Sydney siders, Brisveagasans, Novacastrians or Canberrians would have been interested in that?

NRL free to air is a joke. If the NRL thinks it can treat its fan base in this disgraceful way then they should only expect the inevitable. Which is ever decreasing TV ratings and not attendance by fans at games .

The Sea Eagle has not watched a free to air match for the last 3 months unless it was Manly playing (which wasn't very often ). And the Sea Eagle is a rugby league tragic. Simply put, there are too many rounds, too many low quality contests and a salary cap that has done nothing to level the playing field whatsoever.

All the salary cap has done is keep player salaries artificially minimised and punish clubs that can’t do what the Roosters and the Storm seem to be able to do. (which just upset fans even more).

The writing is well and truly on the wall for the NRL if this trend and state of affairs continues.

THE SEA EAGLE

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pleasegivemeanokaygrade · 5 years

Text

The Introduction Post.

Good Evening, students. I am your instructor so let’s get ready. Please take your seats and ensure your seatbelt is securely fastened low and tight across your waist.

Today we will be studying the likes and works of Krishna Srini. Krishna was born on the 24th of May, 1998, in Detroit Michigan, and no, you don’t have to remember that, it won’t be on the test. His family decided it was a good idea to keep him away from the American public school system (thank you, parents) and so his education started as a socially strange homeschool child, who attended homeschooling groups with other weirdos. This carried on until the age of 10 when his father joined the State Department which prompted the family to move to Sri Lanka were Krishna attended an I.B. school for the grades 6 and 7. In this foreign and strange country, in an international school full of expats from around the world, Krishna found himself absorbing language, culture, and diplomacy that was previously completely foreign to him. He soon understood that when a seemingly random old lady in a sari comes up to you and gives you a dry, yet somehow messy old person kiss on the cheek, you bobble your head and say “It is so nice to see you, Aunty, how is everything?”. With his cultural conversancy on the rise, Krishna began interacting with more and more groups and types of people. He became almost freakishly extraverted and gobbled up attention like a labrador eating something it knows it isn’t supposed to.

Over the next few posts abroad, including New Zealand (where instead of real school he went to an acting academy and graduated with a double major in improv and method acting), Rwanda, and South Africa, Krishna entered countless (four) expat-kid essay competitions and found himself winning only one of them. What a loser. Krishna came back to America in the late summer of 2017 and enrolled in Green River College for two reasons: 1) in order to save money. He had to buy an expensive fake ID since he was so used to and slightly dependant on the easily and legally accessible alcohol that he had overseas. He also had to buy said alcohol which was so much more expensive here than it is there. Like, seriously, what the hell? You guys have a 6 dollar tax on a 10 dollar bottle? 16 bucks is like 230 South African Rand! That’s like an entire dinner at a fancy restaurant with cocktails and wine. Absurd. Reason two is that he found out that Green River has the highest rate of international students out of all the community colleges in Washington. He thought he would feel more comfortable surrounded by people that he was used to.

Krishna works as a canine nutritionist during the week and a comedian on the weekends, which means people bring him their dog's poop in a tupperware and he complains about it in a half boarded up bar in Tacoma to a crowd who stopped listening 20 minutes ago. Krishna enjoys writing his comedy routines the least, as he believes that relying on scripts is for idiots and the people who write the scripts are just well-read idiots. That being said, Krishna has written many scripts and been a stage actor for quite some time. It’s rather hypocritical and embarrassing. The genres that Krishna writes most about are dramas, relying on characters, conflicts, and situations more than action, niche fantasy, or writing that was meant to be dissected for weeks in order to “truly appreciate it”.

Krishna’s views and experiences on writing are incredibly broad, from smut and story porn to stand up comedy routines, Krishna found himself interested in many types of writing and expressing multiple writing voices and tones. Krishna strongly believes in quality over quantity, however, since most educational institutions and instructors do not, about 80% of Krishna’s “work” is complete and utter rubbish that he scrambled up in a drunken haze at 11:49 at night just minutes before the 11:59 deadline. Krishna saves his good writing for himself, with intentions on compiling it into a collection and publishing it right before he dies as one last middle finger to all of his villainous English teachers of the past. Here’s a quick list of the writing that Krishna has written and probably will not share with you: a poetry collection consisting of a plethora of poems; a handful of short stories; a few stage plays; a couple screenplays; years of journals; and an unspeakable of porn.

Krishna’s personal reflections have also shed some light on the elements of writing that he finds most important, strategies to accomplish writing, and other things that will help me meet the requirements of this. Let’s begin.

The most important elements of writing include painting a picture for your reader, a vivid image that takes your reader to another place. Jokes, of course, that’s the kind of cliche rubbish one might expect. Krishna has written quite a bit about this topic, however, where instead of using words to offer your reader a lexical destination getaway, you can use your words into manipulating your reader into going there without giving them a choice to back out. Your words are like the bouncer at a club, whose job isn’t to not allow you entry but to force you to change yourself in order to get in knowing full well that you have limited choices in your method. Words can move you and change your mind about things. Granted, Krishna has admittedly said he is better at doing this by speaking than writing, however his aim with many of his Creative Writing classes, including 236, is to better wield his pen (with pen being a metaphor for the keyboard and the paper for Google Docs) and learn how to control people through paper.

What else do we got?

Oh yes, how else Krishna could have been improving this whole time but has only just now taken the initiative.

The boy’s lazy and brash! I’ve never met someone so carefree about such important deadlines and topics in my life! He procrastinates like he gets paid to do it and uses his time so inefficiently that a fish would evolve legs faster than Krishna will finish one assignment. He swears as if he gains XP for every curse word, using “fuck” more often than “the” and the C word (which seems to offend americans a lot but is totally normal in the regions where Krishna grew up) like it’s “and”.

These verbal atrocities give such a horrendous impression on people that Krishna seems to attract only other deviants. This has created an emotionally damaging social life of hatred and regret with nothing to turn to other than words that have been written before on pages that will be never read and also drugs and alcohol which are much more expensive. It is for these reasons that Krishna is now working as an underpaid and over-applauded stand-up comedian. With a double major intent of political science and theatre, as well as a psychotic tendency to make up stories constantly (IE, everything above), Krishna intends to be a comedy producer and will use this class as a way to force him to actually writing his ideas down because it’s not like he’ll actually journal for 30 minutes a day if he has to write about his feelings. But it can be anything! Now I’m just taking up space but the point of these kind of free writes is to not stop writing because you have ideas that be connected later on but I obviously stopped somewhere in the middle and came back to it later to write this part but you’re also supposed to take breaks and refresh your mind and this is stupid I should use a period. Okay, next.

Writing and Krishna have a good one-way relationship, he takes advantage of it because it’s an inanimate concept with inanimate instruments and incapable of feeling, and that’s it. Easy game. Perhaps one day Krishna will give back to writing by doing it well and nicely, but until then, have this Introduction Post that makes you think he’s going to be a bad student.

Regards

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