#the lottery is a good call though that would be my next thing on the list

[lizzaneia-elizalde]

Yandere! Sugar daddy x "pure"! Reader

EEEEEEEEE Time to write my baby, the fruit of my dark rofan loins (jk) Basically, this yandere is my first yandere OC and when I gave life (lol) to him in Char/ai yesterday, I just knew he had to be next.

Also, I contemplated what title to give him since he's also a mafia boss, but I decided to go with Sugar daddy since it's the most integral part of his story.

Also, "pure" just means that you dress light, really. But in Rowan's eyes, you were like an angel, a pure being that he needs to taint (oops spoiler)

Yandere! Sugar daddy name: Rowan Silas (Yes, he even has a last name)

notes: Rowan is not old, OLD. He's not a Dilf/Gilf level sugar daddy. In his lore with my other OC (his love interest), he's older by five years. Also, reader has a womb, due to mentions of pregnancy (why did I do this pregnancy shit twice? Dunno really.)

TW: noncon pregnancy, trackers, nsfw stuff

ALSO, REQUESTS ARE OPEN <3 (I don't even know if people will request but LOL just in case.)

The man only knew pain and crime all his life.

He never experienced anything good, apart from gunning down his enemies alive if that even means the same as what people deem as "good".

His life of crime was because of his adoptive father, who picked him up from the slums to become one of his personnel.

He was only seven by then. But his hands stained with blood as he killed the other kid who drowned his precious pet kitten in the lake. That's where his father knew that Rowan is not normal.

I mean, who would sport a smile while choking his fellow kid alive?

All Rowan said was "He deserved it though."

"He took what's precious from me."

That was enough to make his father set him straight to become the heir of the mafia family.

He grew up battered and bruised yet the vices he only knew is his smoking from his precious churchwarden pipe, and violence.

He told his father that it was enough for him.

Yet his body raged on, wanting more and more as greed consumed him for more.

Yes, he's a greedy man who wants more.

After all, he had nothing, then had one precious thing, then lost that thing. And then, when he eliminated the person who stole his precious thing, he got everything.

Did that make sense? To Rowan, it didn't.

He already got everything, but why does he want more?

So with a clean shot to the head, he killed his father and immediately inherited the family.

Now, he can spend the money and the resources as much as he wants. So he did. He went to casinos, brothels, luxury hotels and cruises. Everything he thinks that he needs.

But he still wants more. He still needs more.

And by god, he did get more.

He bumped into you one day, with you in your soft outfit of creams and pastels. Your pure, clean eyes made his heart skip a beat as you said sorry to him.

His greed triggered.

He wanted you so bad.

When he learned you needed a job when he saw your folder filled with resumes, he felt like he won the lottery.

"How about becoming my sugar baby? Don't worry, I won't ask anything. Much."

And as your cute figure pondered what to do, he smirked. You, in the middle of his dim office, in light clothing and an innocent face, was such a contrast in the dark office filled with his smoke from his beloved churchwarden pipe. You stuck out like a sore thumb, and he liked it.

He loved it.

And as your lips dropped the answer he wanted to hear, he shivered and gave you a lopsided smile.

"Good. Now, what do you want, love?"

Rowan sat down on his office chair, he cracked his neck and sighed.

He was bone tired. He just finished a cartel mission that he himself as the boss had to interfere. It was annoying because it was due to his incompetent new recruits.

At least they're sleeping with the "fishies", as what you call the finned sea creatures.

He grabbed something from his pocket and brought it up to his face. It was an intricate jeweled choker with a lot of rose gold arcs, jewels that match your eyes, and a diamond encrusted opal centerpiece.

He imagined you wearing it. Wrapping the choker on your neck himself, seeing your eyes flash in wonder and amazement. He imagined you also getting shy and saying that it was too expensive, and him saying that it was okay, and he wanted to give you this entirely by his own volition. And he got excited.

...In one way or another.

He chuckled and shook his head, swinging on his swivel chair as he dialed your number.

After two rings, you picked up.

"Love, come here. I got a gift for you."

You whined, getting shy again. He chuckled.

"You know what I say, I don't want to hear you say no. So come here now."

So you did.

Once you got there, he smiled and kissed your lips softly, bringing you close to him by your waist and lifting you up easily with his tatted arms.

"Come, I'll give you the present myself."

You got curious naturally.

He settled you in front of the floor length mirror which also saw... Much more intimate and sensual things you both did other than this gift giving thing he's doing.

Rowan slowly grabbed your hair and raised it, making you shiver with goosebumps from the action. He smirked, seeing you so flustered from the simple act of him grabbing your hair.

Well, that, and he also liked to grab your hair a lot while fucking you senselessly. There's that too.

You closed your eyes when he told you too, and you felt the familiar cold sensation of jewelry resting on your neck. But this time, it hugged it, making you open your eyes. It was the beautiful choker he was admiring earlier.

"Do you love it?" Rowan asked, looking at you through the mirror as he rested his chin on your shoulder. You nodded enthusiastically and said yes. He smirked.

This was the first time you didn't say to take the gift back with such a flustered apprehensive look. You're starting to get greedy.

He loved that. A lot.

"Now, how about you kiss me in return, hmm?" You rolled your eyes and gently kissed him. You know this day is not just going to end in a kiss.

But you didn't mind.

And he knows that.

You went home that day with Rowan driving you. He gave you more gifts that you shyly accepted once more, making Rowan shiver in glee. Again, you didn't reject them at all.

You're slowly getting tainted by his greediness.

And hopefully, you will be greedy enough to bring up your relationship to him, and tell him that you wanted more to this.

That you wanted his love.

Oh, he trembles at the thought.

It's not a question of if, but when, after all.

But now, he's just slowly moving forward with your relationship. Slow and steady wins the race, after all. Despite him living such a fast paced life, he knows he's patient enough to wait for you.

But if you backtracked and got out of his tight grasp...

Let's just say that the tracker he planted on your laptop, your phone, and now your precious choker will help him find you if you ran away.

You were the light to his dark, dreary life.

He'll be crazy enough to let you go.

And he's already crazy about you.

That's why he's making you addicted to him also. Showering you with gifts and love. Praising your body, worshipping it, pleasing it until you reach the heavens like the angel you are.

And if you still didn't want him... Let's just say the condoms with holes in them that he himself poked will do the trick.

It was a dirty tactic. But who cares? He's a mafia boss for god's sake. Dirty tactics aren't new to him.

And if you still somehow didn't end up pregnant and got to run away, he'll use his influence to find you.

You got no escape.

Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

You were his love. His greed.

With a drag of his churchwarden pipe, he drove off to plan your wedding.

You were going to be his after all.

No matter what.

I don't know if I did my baby Rowan justice i'm going crazY FUCK.

Can you guys tell I have favoritism? Because I do LOL

#male yandere x reader #yandere boyfriend #yandere imagines #yandere male #yandere writing #tw yandere #yandere x darling #yandere x you #yandere fic #lizzaneiaelizalde #yandere drabbles

[soxcietyy]

Nezumi

4 years after the Shinuys incident has been tough. Japan wasn’t what it used to be and seemed like an abandone battle field. Being caught by Sukuna he demanded you to look for a cursed object. When on the look out you bump into Yuta, who wasn’t who he used to be.

Tw: kidnapping, obsessive, non con

You’ve heard of him before, the second strongest sorcerer Yuta Okkotsu. The man who had the queen of curses by his side, reverse curse energy, a domain, a copy technique and more. So when you encounter him you almost got on your knees and begged him to let you go. Though your ego wouldn’t let you do such a thing. Maybe if you pretended you were on there side he would let you go. Or even better you should pretend you were a normal person. You were wearing pastel colors and loafers with leg warmers on so you didn’t look like a sorcerer.

Then again it was 4 years after the Shibiya incident and there was still a huge war/fight going on. The city was a mess and people were fighting for survival. Nobody was going to be trying to look cute like you are. It was also kinda hard to be a normal person because the queen of curses was currently hovering over you. Saliva dripping next to your feet as she breathes heavily.

Before you had encountered this man you were looking for a certain cursed object that Sukuna had requested. Not wanting to be killed you complied and went on the look out. He didn’t tell you what exactly it was so you were at a loss. As you searched you somehow didn’t notice that you were being watched. That was until he appeared in front of you when you were digging in rubble.

Now he was staring you down with a dark glare sending shivers down your spine. His hands were in his pockets as he started walking towards you. You quickly get into a fighting stance with a dagger in your hand. You couldn’t help but shake a bit. You wernt the strongest but you were confident on somehow escaping him.

"May I know why a girl like you is wondering around these parts?" He finally speaks.

You bit your tongue as he closing in the gap. With one quick snap clones appear next to you. Your technique was creating illusions. It was more of a mind/mental use instead of a hands on fighting one. With one blink you noticed that they turned into mist and that Yuta was now in front of you.

You stumbled back and bump into a pile of rubble. You couldn’t back up anymore and he had you cornered. There was no fighting back unless you wanted to die. Squeezing your eyes shut you can feel that monstrous thing still hovering over you. You could also feel how he grabbed your chin and lifted it up so you could look at him.

"I can’t remember that last time iv seen a girl like you. A very cute and innocent one to say the least."

He moved your head to the side to check you out more. He looked quite satisfied from what he was seeing. Putting his other hand against the wall he admire you even closer.

"Now are you going to answer my question or are we going to do this the hard way?"

Now was definitely the time to start begging for your life. Maybe if you told him he’ll let you go. He would understand doing things just for survival right?

"I’m looking for a cursed object." You look at him in the eye. You tell him almost everything, about being caught, being used for your brains, where you come from and how you didn’t want any problems. He looked interested in everything you said and even got rid of the thing he called Rika. Maybe that was a good sign and he was about to set you free.

"You’re not much of a problem then, I guess I’ll keep you for myself."

Your jaw dropped when you heard him say that. Did he say keep? As in having or owning an object? You stare at him blankly not understanding the situation.

"Excuse me?!" You say trying to push his hand away from your chin.

"Look around, Japan isnt what it used to be. A big population of people are dead. You think it’s easy to find a fine prize? I basically won the lottery." He smiles as he caresses your hair.

"I can’t, Sakuna will kill me and I have told to play a role over there. I need to go back before finds me."

"That’s really cute, the fact that you thought you had a say. I’m not asking you to be with me. I’m telling you that you’re now mine." He grabs your wrist and starts dragging you.

You try to get away from him but his grip was tight. How in the world did he think he can just do this? This wasn’t right, this wasn’t fair at all. The jujitsu higher ups would deem you as a traitor and have you executed in no time.

You tell him exactly what you were thinking and he laughed.

"I’m the second strongest sorcerer, if I want to have you then their forced too agree. They can’t afford to loose me." He says before he stopped laughing. With one fast motion he lifted you up and put you over his shoulder. He put you over his shoulder as if you were the prey he just caught while hunting.

You start kicking your legs, telling him to let you go but he grabbed them firmly and ignored you yelling. He walked for what seemed like forever. No wonder Sakuna wasn’t able to find them. You were so drained from fighting back yelling that you lost your voice half way and ended up falling asleep.

When you woke up you found yourself laying on a bed. Laying on white sheets and such a soft mattress, when was the last time you slept on something so comfortable? That’s when everything came back to you and sat up immediately. You scan the room to see that it was your basic bedroom. Nothing abnormal other than his sitting in a chair by the window with a book.

"Morning nezumi," he said as he slowly put his book down.

Did he just call you a mouse?

"That’s not my name" you say glaring at him.

"Care to tell me?" He says as he has full attention on you now.

"…., My name is y/n, I really need to go." You say trying to get out of bed but was stopped by him who all of a sudden was standing in front of you.

He got in bed with you as he held your arm. Rubbing the skin of his cheek with your small delicate hand. His face felt cold yet soft at the same time, you could see the dirt on his face and blood from whatever he’s been fighting throughout the day.

"Stay with me, it’s been so long since iv had someone to care for me. I haven’t felt like this in so long." He took a whiff of your smell.

You couldn’t lie you felt bad for the guy. When you first saw him he looked so drained and tired. Like he didn’t care who or what was around him. Now he laid in bed with you touching you carefully. It was almost as if he was scared of breaking you.

"I’ll take care of you, keep a roof over your head, treat you right. I’ll protect you from anything and everyone as long as you stay with me."

As much as he was practicing begging you to stay you knew you couldn’t. You had to go back to Sukuna and give him what he wants. You just had to do that and he promised to pretend he never saw you for now. Clearly Yuta was not here entirely. Did all the overworking and effects of the war get to him?

"And if I say no?" You ask him curiously.

"I’m not asking you, I’m telling you what’s going to happen from now on. So please refrain from pissing me off. I have little to no patience at all." He said as he got on top of you. Hands on both sides of your head as he looked down at you.

"Now, let’s take these off." He said as he began pulling your bottoms off.

You let out a screams as you kicked him repeatedly.

"What are you doing?" You kick him in the face.

He gripped your foot and put it down. You could see that he was not happy with that kind of response. "Behave." He said in a low tone.

His fingers began slipping your bottoms down until he exposed your panties.

"Wait wait wait! What happened to treating me right?!" You scream.

He sighs as he stops and looks at you tiredly.

"Your not going to make this easy arnt you?"

Obviously he was looking for a submissive, quiet and calm girl. One he can boss around with no talking back. You refused to do that. If he wanted to keep you trapped then you wernt going to make it easy.

#yuta okkotsu #yuta okkotsu x you #yuta okkotsu x reader #jujutsu kaisen #jjk x y/n #yuta okkotsu x y/n #yuta okkotsu smut #yuuta x you #yuuta x y/n #yuuta headcanons #jjk yuuta #yuuta smut #yuuta okkotsu #yuta x y/n #okkotsu yuuta #yuta jjk #jjk yuta #yuta x reader #yuuta x reader

[comiicii]

Hummingbird II

Backdrop: You and Miles have been best friends since you were babies. Doesn't mean that the friendship never faced hardships. Pairing: e!1610 Miles Morales x fem!spider!reader Warnings: none, probably some grammar errors and my attempt at fluff with the characters. y'know before the inevitable has to happen A's notes: apologies for this not coming out sooner. also, i don't think i clarified in the first chapter that reader is also hispanic. i'll be sprinkling in some spanish words moving forward. if you'd like to be tagged, do let me know in the comments. Translations: a comer = time to eat | amiga = friend (feminine) | mi vida = my life, darling, dear etc. | lo adoro = i adore/love it Word count: 2.5k PREVIOUS | NEXT

After that, you brought up the subject every now and then. You had spotted on his notebook once a quick doodle of you swinging around. It was from a clip he’d seen on the news and thought it was cool. When Araña was brought up, Miles never had anything but good things to say. Always commenting on how cool she looked on a video he’d seen of her stopping robbers or the one time he heard her speak Spanish to an older woman as she was helping cross the street. His words were indirectly helping you to keep going.

You tried harder to salvage the friendship you had with him as you came up on two years of fighting alongside Peter. You had more study sessions together (which you were still sometimes late to) and you did your best to keep him involved in your life.

The study sessions that the two of you had were also becoming more frequent as you were gearing up for entry exams for Brooklyn Visions Academy. If you did well on the exam, you would be entered into a lottery that could land you the opportunity to attend the school. You were naturally academically gifted - didn’t mean you never studied, though. You knew that this could be great for your future. You wanted to make a difference in the world and while Brooklyn Middle had great programs, BVA would be a step in the right direction to get you where you wanted to be for college. Two students would be selected from the lottery after the school year ended.

You and Miles alternated study session locations; the last one being at his place before the entry exam. Mrs. Morales adored having you in her home. She was worried when you didn’t stop by as much; going as far as to ask your father about your well-being (he claimed you were going through puberty and all that ‘teenage angst’). Mr. Morales breathed a sigh of relief when he noticed you and Miles were studying together again; he always thought of you as a good influence on his son. You complimented him in areas where he wasn’t the best and knew him a lot better than they would these days.

The two of you had been studying for the last few hours and you had informed your family that you would be eating dinner at Miles’. Peter also knew that this was an important time for you and let you have the night to study, rest and enjoy your time with Miles.

“I think I’m going to pass out if I have to look at another page of equations.” you groaned on his bed, falling back onto the pillows. Miles could only laugh on the floor, agreeing with your statement completely.

“¡A comer!” Mrs. Morales yelled from the kitchen. You silently thanked the heavens for her impeccable timing.

As you two set the table, the TV flashed to a picture of Spider-Man and ‘Spider-Girl’, reporting on an update of the Green Goblin you two had thwarted the previous night. You didn’t pay much attention to it once you heard them refer to you as Spider-Girl. Oh, how you dreaded them calling you that.

“It’s terrible that he’s gotten a young girl believing that she can just swing in and not take responsibility for her actions!” Mr. Morales hollered at the screen as he helped bring the food to the table.

Miles rolled his eyes at his father, never really agreeing with his dad’s opinions on the superhero. He mumbled under his breath about how he didn’t understand. You quietly chuckled at his statement. He was a cop after all. What you and Peter were doing was helping but technically illegal.

The conversation was quickly squashed before it even started by Rio when she looked at Jeff with a look. She didn’t want to hear any talk about work or superheroes at the table. Dinner was spent eating and catching up with the family that hadn’t consistently seen you in a while. Rio had expressed that you could talk to her if you were going through something, appreciating how much she cared about you like you were her daughter. She always looked out for you. Jeff had asked the two of you about studying for the entry exams. You had shown more enthusiasm for the opportunity to study at BVA more so than Miles. Before the two of them could get into it, you mentioned how much you appreciated Miles helping you study. You knew how hard his father could be, despite meaning well. You always tried to make Miles look good in front of his parents to spare him. Miles bumped his knee with yours under the table as a ‘thank you’. It seemed like the two of you were getting back into the swing of things like before. That night, you ended up sleeping over for the first time in a little over a year. It warmed your heart knowing that your friendship with Miles was settling back to the way it was.

When you were chosen in the lottery with Miles to go to BVA, you couldn’t be happier. You felt as if it was a sign that life wasn’t going be terrible. It signaled to you that you could handle your school and spider-life. Or so you believed.

After you turned 14, you had begun pestering Peter to start trusting you to tag along with him to fight more of the big bad guys he was always on the news about fighting. He didn’t want you messing with the ‘big leagues’ yet as he was worried about your safety. 14 still meant you were a kid, after all. Even if you were 21, Peter would’ve still been hesitant. Last thing he needed was to further traumatize you or possibly get you killed. It wasn’t until you bothered him beyond belief and pinky swore that you’d get out if it got too dangerous. It meant that you’d leave Peter to fight for himself if it got to be too risky to keep you safe. You and Peter both had families that cared about you but his family wasn’t in the dark about the crime-fighting. He’d rather risk himself than have to explain to your family why he couldn’t keep you safe.

Meanwhile, Miles didn’t enjoy being at BVA. He quite loathed it. While he had you there with him, your schedules weren’t the same; three classes in total you had together. The school load was also stressful and it felt as though he didn’t belong. Didn’t mean that you weren’t stressed either. You were practically drowning in your own thoughts of your future on top of the work load from school and your spider duties. You were barely getting any sleep and had debated on letting a few classes suffer for the sake of lessening the stress of your life. You just seemed to have a better way of hiding your stress than Miles - something he commented on when he realized that you were just as stressed but didn’t show it. Thankfully the two of you had lunch together to connect and stress together. It hurt to see that your best friend didn’t see himself fitting into the school. You always told him to give the school a shot because maybe, just maybe, he may like it. He often wished to be back at Brooklyn Middle. He described the school as ‘elitist’ and that neither him or you belonged because it was always going to be you two against the world.

It was a saying the two of you bonded over - especially since it was the name of one of your favorite songs. You had originally voiced the phrase when you were both 10. Already feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders. Miles knew that your home life wasn’t always peaceful and that you took on more than you should’ve, emotionally speaking, for a 10-year-old. Miles always did his best to let you know that he was there for you. Whenever your family stressed you out, you would find yourself on the roof of his building, staring at the sunset, waiting for the sky to turn navy. You two had managed to keep a giant sleeping bag stashed there to lay on and go under when the nights turned cold. It was your own private hiding spot from the world. On particularly stressful days, one or both of you would bring food to eat your feelings.

“Hey Miles,” you turned your head to look at the boy who had just listened to you ramble about what was going on in your headspace for the last 30 minutes.

“Yeah, Y/N?” he kept looking up at the sky.

“Are you scared of the future? What may happen to us?”

“Yes and no,” he chuckled, finally turning to look at you, a small smile creeping in.

“Why’s that?”

“‘Cause, you and I are bound to change and yeah, I’m scared that you won’t want to hang around me at some point buuut,”

“But?”

“I’m also sure that you and I will always be in each other’s lives - can’t get rid of me that easily, Y/N.” he reached over to tickle your side, earning you a laugh as music softly played along with the natural sounds of Brooklyn. Your favorite, 2pac’s ‘Me Against The World’ started playing in the air.

“It’ll be us against the world”

“Always, amiga”

You smiled across the table at the memory. You knew that he could succeed in BVA. He didn’t get lucky, both of you deserved to be here. You didn’t want him to quit when there was a possibility for him to do great things and prove himself to all the other snobs that he was just as smart, if not, smarter than all of them.

“C’mon Miles, you’ve barely given it two weeks,” you started as you played with the food in front of you.

“Now you’re starting to sound like my dad,” he groaned. The comparison stung a bit but you kept your face neutral.

“Y’know you deserve to be here just as much as these other richy-rich kids” you started, not wanting your frustrations to shine through.

“Y/N, if I flunk a couple more tests, they’re sure to kick me out and back to Brooklyn Middle,” he was growing frustrated at not being understood, “all our friends are there.”

“Your friends are there, Miles. Not mine…not anymore.” you were now getting a jump start on an assignment, trying to distract yourself from the loss of a few friends because of your crime fighting. It was a painful reminder of how quickly people were willing to let you go.

“Y/N, I don’t know why you want to stay here so ba-“

“Because I care about my future Miles,” now you were yelling, “you’re not the only one who has had to sacrifice so much to get here!” a few sets of eyes were staring at you and Miles. Not wanting to make more of a scene, you grabbed your belongings and walked out on your best friend who sat there hurt and embarrassed for the second time since arriving at the school (the first being when his dad dropped him off at the beginning of the week).

You didn’t speak to Miles for the remainder of the day. You didn’t mean to yell but you knew what you needed was to patrol with Peter to get away from your schoolwork and all your other stress. It was good that you lucked out and didn’t get a roommate. Well, you did for two days and then she was gone - you don’t know if she couldn’t handle the pressure or something else had happened.

“Tough day at school today?” Peter started from your dorm window.

“Don’t wanna talk about it, Pete.” you grumbled as you pulled your mask on.

He didn’t bring it up for the rest of the night.

The following day, you had run late to your first class and tried multitasking during classes. By the time lunch rolled around, you and Miles still sat together, just didn’t say a word. He was listening to music as he ate while you worked and ate. You know Peter would’ve laughed if he saw the two of you. You were both mad at each other but you were still sitting together eating lunch. It was a testament to your friendship. The two of you could argue and yell at each other but like you both had said various times, you couldn’t get rid of the other easily. It would take a lot to leave each other. You knew in your heart of hearts that you could never leave Miles, no matter what he did. You loved the boy so much and considered him a lifeline. If you cut that, you don’t think you’d survive the world. Miles felt about the same. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to see that the two of you would be in each other’s lives forever; even through the ups and downs of life.

You had your final class of the day with Miles. It was an English Literature class and you had been assigned a personal assignment that your teacher decided was a good way to get to know the students. You were allowed to work alongside a partner for the remainder of class to brainstorm and start the assignment. Quietly, you and Miles made your way to each other, sitting in the back corner of the room on the floor. Miles had taken out his sketchbook to start brainstorming some ideas for how he could title his paper. You had forgotten your sketchbook in your locker. Regardless, you weren’t as skilled as Miles when it came to art. You mainly did little doodles in the margins of your notebooks. Which is why Miles referred to your sketchbook as a ‘doodle book’.

“I’m sorry for losing my cool with you, Miles” You bumped your shoulder with his as you aimlessly doodled on your notepad.

“Don’t worry about it, mi vida.” he was already writing something out on a page that had a few drawings. One that particularly stood out was a side profile of Araña. “I know how hard you worked to be here and I’m more than happy to have you here with me.” he smiled as he continued sketching.

“What’re you going to title your essay?” you rested your head on his shoulder, a natural position the two of you were often seen in.

“I’m not sure yet but I thought of one for yours,” he mindlessly spoke, his attention on getting the design just right for you, “if you like it, of course.”

Your eyes started focusing on the word he had spelled out, the lettering he kept simple, almost delicate.

“Hummingbird?” you eyed him, brows furrowed.

“Yeah…I read somewhere that they bring good luck if you’re visited by one,” he stated as he continued detailing around the lettering, “I think it suits you.” he sheepishly smiled.

You couldn’t help but smile and placed a quick peck on his cheek, “I don’t like it, Miles.” you state with a smile on your lips as you bring your focus back to your notepad.

“Lo adoro”

#miles morales x reader #miles morales imagine #e!1610 miles x reader #spiderman across the spiderverse imagine #across the spiderverse imagine #astv imagines #into the spiderverse imagine #into the spiderverse imagines #marvel imagines #marvel imagine

[zwy01]

Kaelestis Doodles!!!

My OC Kaelestis Blerster, son and only child of Karias Blerster. His other parent is Rael Kertia (soul fragment donor). For more info on his bio check out my pinned post!

1. Doodle dump of changes in Kaelestis’ appearance as he grows up. As a small child his hair was basically kind of like Rael’s, except even messier. Karias didn’t really do anything about his son’s hair because he thought his fluffy baby was cute that way haha. And it’s true! Though as soon as Kaelestis became aware of his own appearance he started taking care of it by combing it to the sides of his head. In general kiddie Kaelestis had a round face and this feature stays with him well into adulthood. Karias’ features kick in fairly late, when Kaelestis is much, much older. Far future Kaelestis still has that same frowny expression though. He reminds people of his uncle Razark and paternal grandfather Krasis. Kaelestis isn’t trying to frown but that’s just what his face looks like when relaxed. Dammit, he’s trying his hardest, but people just keep asking him what’s wrong. Nothing really, he’s quite content actually. Orrr maybe he could be concerned about something, who knows. Hopefully he’s not worrying about Karias doing something over the top for the nth time.

2. Karias with his tiny son! While there are some… perhaps problematic things in their father-son relationship, Kaelestis’ early childhood was a very good one and arguably the best time he’s shared with his father. Which leads to the thing I want to discuss next, and that is what’s exactly going on between the two of them, and the details of what their dynamic is like.

In general, Karias and Kaelestis have a pretty decent father-son relationship. If you asked, everyone would basically tell you that oh, they have a great relationship. And that is a correct observation, because it is true. For the most part, at least. There’s nothing abnormal or strange, and they don’t have conflicts with each other. There are even affectionate moments here and there too, though there’s more to it than what people generally see.

Remember when I said that Kaelestis is more like a parent to Karias than the other way around like it’s supposed to be? That’s actually a very long story, and it goes all the way back to Kaelestis’ early childhood, to when he was a toddler, so roughly a 20 year old ish. You see, Kaelestis was a very, very well-behaved child. So well-behaved, it’s actually quite unbelievable when you think about it in hindsight. Even the other now elegant and sophisticated nextgen nobles had to be disciplined and educated to some extent to correct rowdy, weird, and sometimes unacceptable behavior. Which was basically all of them, even the super nice ones like Asa, Alethea, and Cordelia. Except for Kaelestis. He was the only exception. People were actually kind of envious of Karias, and to them he very much won the lottery with his kid. Not to mention Kaelestis is Karias and Rael’s kid… people intially expected him to be some sort of mixture between the two of his parents, but worse. Turns out, they were totally wrong. Kiddie Kaelestis was as sweet as you could get with any child. He was honest, patient, kind, and generous. He always waited for his turn to speak, always politely and correctly addressed everyone accordingly (except for that one time when Karias convinced him with the lie that Lord Raskreia is his auntie and he actually called her that lol), and never caused mischief. It’s not that he had superior self-control; those things simply just never crossed his mind. It wasn’t in his nature to do anything out of line. People kept praising Karias for his superb parenting and everyone dreaming of having a kid like Kaelestis. He’s the best you can ever get, right? And as a parent, of course you’d want to support your kid. So Karias tells a young Kaelestis how much he loves him, he’s his baby son. Sometimes Karias would also throw in a comment about how well-behaved he is, and that he’s proud of him. Of course kiddie Kaelestis would be very happy to hear that. It’s praise from none other than the Blerster Clan Leader, his dear father who he loves and respects more than anyone else in this world! That’s where everything started, and you could say it’s for the worse. Kaelestis, who holds his father in such high regard, would take this praise as a very serious thing and more or less it got engraved in his mind. You know when you were a small kid and someone said something that could be trivial but you remembered it forever and it basically impacted the trajectory some aspect of your life? Basically that. And so Kaelestis began to take pride in the fact that he was so well-behaved, and continuing to do that would make his father as proud as ever. Before this, he wasn’t even aware of the fact that he was the “perfect” child, he simply was. Now that this became a new addition to his knowledge, of course he’s going to act on it. But to Karias, Kaelestis was still a small child (toddler equivalent) so Karias isn’t going to take it too seriously anyway. He still showered his baby with affection and always gave him attention. And Kaelestis very much enjoyed every moment of it.

Fast forward to the time when Kaelestis was the equivalent of a 8-12 year old human. You know when kids are very young the parents always treat them like baby and when they get a bit older and have thoughts of their own the parents start to really have fun with their kids? That’s what happens next. Karias doesn’t need to watch Kaelestis all the time anymore, hovering over his son and worrying about him getting himself into some sort of danger. He could let him run free for a bit. Let him be on his own, and do his own thing. Karias still spends time with his son and is affectionate with him, in a different way. Because Kaelestis now takes pride in being so well-behaved, he actually makes a conscious effort to be even more well-behaved. He’s become obsessed with the idea, more or less. Be the perfect son, don’t ever cause trouble, make Father proud because he doesn’t need to worry about me, and then Father can attend to his duties as Clan Leader with high efficiency. This was what Kaelestis knew at the time, and it truly was out of good will, as he’s being considerate of others. But what young Kaelestis didn’t know was that this also meant that he’s sacrificing his own well-being and need for closeness to his father. And Karias wasn’t even aware of this, he just thought that this is just what his kid is like, being nice as usual and that, and he can focus more on clan duties. And so Kaelestis never got the extra recognition that he yearned for, and even worse his father now spends less time with him. He got what he wanted, didn’t he? For his father to be the best Clan Leader ever? But something doesn’t feel so right, and Kaelestis starts to doubt his own decision. Even worse, Kaelestis doesn’t do anything to fix the situation, he just goes with the flow because he started this himself. His Clan Leader never asked of him for any of this. But now that it’s done, there’s no choice but to endure the consequences and move on, right? For now, he’ll continue to be the best son for his father. Because he loves him. It’ll do. This won’t go on forever, right? At least Kaelestis had thought so, though this optimism would soon be replaced with even more regret and exhaustion.

Fast forward to Kaelestis’ teen years, so the human equivalent of a 13-19 year old ish. Kaelestis’ hobbies are expanding, and his talent is truly blooming. He had discovered his love for the arts… painting, sculpture, anything really. This was his purpose in life, and his skills were really impressive. Karias is of course overjoyed and thrilled to learn that his son is so talented and that he has found his passion. And so Karias gets Kaelestis all the materials he could possibly find both inside and outside of Lukedonia, and Kaelestis is very touched by his father’s gestures. He has all this stuff with work with now! It was a real moment of joy for him, and yet another memory for him to remember forever , which would later also become tinted with melancholy. Now that Kaelestis actually has time to spend on projects, he is indirectly pushing his father away even more. Whenever Karias would drop by to check on his son and ask him how he’s doing, Kaelestis would always answers that he’s doing well, and Karias doesn’t need to worry about him, because he has art, and that’s all he needs to be happy. Which was a lie, because he actually longed for time with his father. He misses his early childhood where the two of them would spend time together everyday, all day. But he needs to not be a distraction to his father’s schedule, because he’s well-behaved right? He could hold in his feelings of yearning… right? So Karias never learns of his son’s true feelings. Because he never tells him. Which just hurts Kaelestis even more because now he’s actually reinforcing Karias’ belief that his son is all good and that his role as father isn’t one that is needed too much, because he’s a good boy who can entertain himself in peace. And that’s when they start to see each other less and less. They still have dinner together and talk about the day sometimes, but the frequency is nothing like before anymore. Not even close. Kaelestis is hurting himself, and he can’t bring himself to admit to his father that he needs him. No, no, there’s no way he can be an inconvenience to his father. Of course Karias would never think of his son in that way, ever. But Kaelestis’ tendencies to overthink and internalize things drives him to this conclusion. And this doesn’t change much even after Kaelestis becomes a young adult. And so, even to this day, whenever Kaelestis picks up a paintbrush or a chisel, he’d always be reminded of the fact that he (partially) traded away his father’s bond with himself for this. Perhaps this melancholy doesn’t sting Kaelestis as much as it did at first, but it will always be a thorn in his heart, a mild, reoccurring pain.

Kaelestis’ feelings of responsibility over his father carries over to different aspects too. You see, Karias’ personality is drastically different from Kaelestis’. That’s literally just how he is. He’s flamboyant and always going over the top, sometimes he’d say or do something inappropriate by noble standards and get yelled at by Rozaria and Gejutel… etc etc. The usual drill. Kaelestis feels like he needs to keep Karias in check to make sure he’s not being an inconvenience to others. He’s Karias’ son, and it is his duty to make sure Father doesn’t do something so out of line again. And this involves reminding his father of “ahem, Clan Leader, please don’t do that” to reprimanding him if he comedically wails about how he’s not allowed to have fun and his son is just sooooo not fun either. To be honest, Karias has always been like this since the start but Kaelestis just never took it seriously until he got older, because he didn’t think it was a problem. Now that his sense of responsibility is ever so strong, of course he’d be concerned with Karias’ self-representation out there. To Kaelestis, Karias’ image is heavily tied with the entire clan’s image. Karias just thinks his son is hilarious. Which does not amuse Kaelestis because he essentially still needs to parent his parent and being laughed at in the face isn’t exactly helpful either. Kaelestis’ duties includes apologizing to others when Karias does something weird, warning others about what might come, reminding Karias about what and what not to say at meetings, etc etc. You could say that Kaelestis thinks this is exhausting, because it really is. But to him, maybe this is some other form of bonding, to fill that void in his childhood. In a way, this is spending time with his father whom he misses dearly. But still. Kaelestis yearns for Karias to interact with him like they did in his childhood. Just gentle affection and attention from his father. He wants to be a small child again, because he had never been able to smile out of true happiness for a very long time now. He wishes he’d never taken being well-behaved so seriously, because that one phrase of praise led to everything that causes him sadness in the present day. In a way, he misses Karias. Karias was never out of reach, as the two of them live in the same manor and they’re often together on duties and errands. Mentally and emotionally? That’s the complicated part. Kaelestis is there, and not there in the same time. To Karias he’s still his precious son and everything is totally normal. But to Kaelestis there is this gap between them that will never close, and it’s entirely his own fault so he can’t complain. Perhaps if Kaelestis didn’t see clearing a misunderstanding as such a heavy burden, he would’ve done it. Just admit to Father that you were unhappy all along. Just do it. He thinks about it often, but ends up failing every single time. Just can’t bring himself to say it. And so this eats him from the inside out, causing him to be in a constant state of burnout. The kid he was never able to be, and the peace of mind he will never get. The ever so gracious maturity and sophisticated energy that he emits and perceived by others, is a curse to him. The burden does not end there. When he’s with his friends, the others automatically assume that he’ll be the chaperone and take responsibility for anything that happens. Even their joke nickname for him is “dad” because he’s so much like one, right? This puts even more pressure on him, and he has to constantly be on lookout in case any of them does something stupid. Hearing them tell the others “Kaelestis didn’t stop me, so I did it anyway” doesn’t exactly help either. He’s getting blamed for something they decided to do? He never signed up for this, but he doesn’t want to make things complicated, so he keeps it inside and… boom. Stress and more stress. It’s always, always there. He still enjoys being in the presence of his friends but sometimes the burden overrides the joy and in the end, everyone had a good time, except for himself.

One of his deepest unspoken desires is for someone to come hold him, and tell him he can stop and put down everything and just cry. Come and rescue him, and help him out of this cage that he put himself in. To this day, he awaits for someone to burst down that wall he spent his entire life maintaining. Someone. Anyone.

Aaaand this is about it for now! I’d love to talk more about my precious Kaekae in the future so I might do that when I have the opportunity again!

(+ this is why Kaelestis falls for Izar! Unlike virtually all of the others, Izar doesn’t cause much trouble. He’s mostly obsessed with doing research in his own lab and rarely leaves it. Sometimes there’d be an explosion, but that’s pretty much it. Nothing dramatic or extra involved. Izar is also very chill in general and would take care of Kaelestis when he’s a visiting his lab as a “guest” : offering him snacks and drinks, showing him his figure collection and letting him play with them, showering him in plushies to hug, putting a blanket over him after he’s fallen asleep from listening to him reading research papers… all those small but heartwarming things that make Kaelestis feel being taken care of. Izar isn’t even aware of the fact that these simple gestures mean so, so much to Kaelestis and that this dude is in love with him… how lovely! +for more info in Izar feel free to once again check out my pinned post+ special Izar post from before!)

((again sleep deprived so excuse me for any typos haha hopefully it all makes sense! See you again in the future!!))

#noblesse #manhwa #myart #fanart #oc #original character #kaelestis blerster #karias blerster #millennium au

[bewaretheidesofmarchyall]

5, 7, 12, 13, 17

ah yes the winning lottery numbers /j

5) Who's your favourite couple?

BAGI + TINA i swear to god it makes me want to bite, the way that they get reduced into just basic background tea drinking lesbians by the fandom so frequently. no! they're interesting!

They love each other to the point of invention (Tina's love for Bagi changed the whole gameplay strategy of Purgatory because she wanted to created tea for her), and neither of them tell each other their secrets, and they hide from each other, and they love each other, and Bagi doesn't want to lose people and Tina's possessive but recognizes it and tries to reel it back, and Tina hates herself and Bagi gave her a ring with I love you as you are written on it. And Tina's a demon who's guilty for falling out of her god's favor, and she calls Bagi angel.

so yeah I'm normal about them

7) Who's your favourite roleplayer?

DIFFICULT. There's so many talented people on this server, it's fucking insane. Kind of have to go with Maximus though, the guy killed off his character because it was just the in-character way for things to go. That's commitment. Also every moment he had was great- Sofia? Casualonas? The theory bros? All roads lead back to Maxo.

And I have to shoutout Baghera for the same reason- She didn't kill her character, but she didn't flee from the nuke at the end of Purgatory because she knew that her character wouldn't stop looking for her daughter, and that's cool as hell. She's immersed!

The best roleplayer whose character isn't dead is probably Bagi, and I love her, I remember seeing her act in Ordem Paranormal and thinking wow, imagine if they got her on the server, but for favorite...Tina's really grown on me. She's got that je ne sais quoi.

12) What language would you like to see next?

TAGALOG, please. I'm biased because my Filipino friends have been wishing for it, but it would also be a relatively easy transition because the language has a lot of Spanish influence

13) Who has the best lore in your opinion?

FitMC for sure. Like shoutout to BadBoyHalo, all of the Fuga crew, and whatever Antoine has going on, they're also really, really good/interesting. But I'm going with FitMC because he consistently pushes the story and the understanding of the world forward, and with really interesting presentation.

17) Who's your favourite family?

The Richarlyson parent collective. There's just so many of my favorite characters in there- We've got Cellbit, Bagi, Pac, Mike, Felps, qQuackity, Roier, Fit. Unstoppable. And there's been so much care and devotion within these character dynamics. Plus Richarlyson deserves the world

Honorable mention to Slime, ElMariana, and Juanaflippa, though. They still haunt me

#qsmp #qsmp ask game

[honeysucklethornsandalligtrhorns]

Random Ass TSP Narrator Headcanons

These are all my personal headcanons btw, none of this is complete fact!!😚

-He will buy EVERY SINGLE OREO FLAVOR AVAILABLE. This madman would be like ‘would you like an oreo’ and as soon as you said yes he’d be like ‘SWEET DO YOU WANT BACON OR PEANUT BUTTER FLAVORED’

-knows how to harvest and process pure cane sugar but is so scared he faints when he’s surprised by a garbage disposal

-would cheat at yahtzee (aka yatzy)

-toddler-esque personality trait where he’ll just fucking lick or eat anything. but like. discreetly. like you’re standing next to him at a bus stop and he just. subtly licks the bus stop sign to see what it tastes like. you can never directly catch him doing it though

-gets extraordinarily sullen whenever he’s caught doing something wrong (morally or legally) and will deny it to no end

-doesn’t understand if someone is actually being mean or not and will get very upset even by ‘jokes’ (twinning)

-scared of thunder

-scared of fireworks

-scared of alarms (not so much scared as startled and horrified by the noise)

-extremely susceptible to spam calls/scammers (for example ‘Oh my goodness I won the lottery!!? But i don’t even play!! oh, all i have to do is put in my social security number and i’ll win 50 billion dollars?? sign me up!’)

-would probably try to smoke a cigarette/cigar to try and look mysterious and cool and end up smoking from the wrong end and getting ash in his mouth

-fucking loves jelly beans

-would climb into a restaurant lobster tank eddie-from-venom style and try to free the lobsters

-mostly because he just fucking loves sea creatures (based off of his shrimp facts)

-drinks religiously and yet can’t actually get drunk (he just likes the flavor)

-hates tacos because he can’t figure out how to hold them correctly without all the filling falling out (same with things like burgers etc)

Uhh that’s all folks <3

#this is cringe asf but hey this is in fact the cringe website so🤷🏻‍♀️ #tsp #the stanley parable #tsp narrator #tsp headcanon #narrator headcanons

[thegeekyartist]

hellooo 💌 for the fic ask meme: 💖🧠🏅📥🍰

Hello, friend!!! 💖💖💖

💖 What do you like most about your own writing?

I think I do a pretty good job with dialogue and humor. I like writing things that make me laugh, and when I get a comment from someone saying they laughed at that same particular thing, I feel like I won the damn lottery.

🧠 What’s an idea you have that you can’t quite call a WIP yet?

I keep playing around with this idea of a pre-s4 Cyrano de Bergerac AU, where Gail enlists Guillermo's help to write love letters to Nandor because she knows she's on thin ice with him after the botched proposal. It's chaos bordering on crack, but knowing me I'd make it way too sincere lol. I think it would be a super fun read, if I could ever start typing words for it.

🏅 What is something you recently felt proud of in regard to your writing (finished a fic, actually planned for once, etc).

Sometimes I look at the BEHEMOTH of a fic that is Big Bloody Bake-Off and I can't believe I wrote essentially 10k each week to keep up with a weekly posting schedule. Someday I'll go into it and fix any egregious errors, but the fact that it's done and 99.9% readable is astounding to me. (EXTREME shoutout to @sketchysketchin for being my muse/cheerleader for that one).

In general, though, just looking at my fics and seeing the improvement makes me feel a nice bit of pride. I never wrote ANYTHING prior to a year-ish ago when I started writing fic, so to have people that WANT to read my work and that LIKE it, while I'm still very much figuring out what the hell I'm doing, feels amazing.

📥 What is your fave fic to receive comments/messages on?

Truthfully, I'm RUNNING to my inbox every time I get an ao3 email, but I especially love getting comments on the longer fics, when someone is trying to guess what happens next or rant about something that happened in the chapter - something that shows they're really engaged in the story and excited to move on but HAD to say something about it first.

(That being said, though, Dear Friend has a special place in my heart and I always get super warm fuzzies when I get a new comment on that one)

🍰 Name one of your fave comfort fics (doesn’t have to be your all time fave).

Well, as I've already gushed, yours of course. Lately I've really enjoyed tucking into a good AU. Another fun one in the wwdits fandom is Bittersweet and Strange by Jay Auris (which I read on Christmas last year and might do again).

I also just finished What We Make of It for Good Omens, which I have a feeling will definitely be a comfort fic for me. It's MASSIVE and so fun and fluffy but has very real discussions/gripes on the US medical system bs and the US educational system, which - as an educator that thankfully exists in the outskirts of it but has to deal with the consequences - I just resonated with so hard. There were parts when Aziraphale was just incensed about how awful the public school system treats students and how things like standardized testing and education software kills children's desire to learn - and refuses to accommodate the individual's needs - that had me pumping my fists.

#thank you for the ask!! #fic writing #wwdits #ask games #overnightmask

[marlenacantswim]

'let's say you lived in-universe in each town / city / location from each cornetto film during the events depicted. understanding you don't have any prerequisite knowledge of what's about to go down, what would you be doing? how would your fate befall you, or if you think you'd survive, how would you manage to avoid certain death?'

BACK ON YOU FRIEND!!!

OH YOU GOT ME BACK MY BELOVED, OOF AUGH!!!

Okay. I'm in London. Here's the thing about me: I would believe there's a zombie apocalypse going down at like, the first bit of evidence. i'm a flexible little fuck, my default state is the fetal position. i'd gather up the shit i'd need to survive, and find some hole somewhere (probably in wherever i live. let's say we're roomies in this theoretical scenario) and just kinda vibe there and in the immediate area. i'm hoping for an attic maybe? as long as there's power, or fucks tons of batteries, i'm set. i can draw, i can write, i can put on my headphones and listen to shit on my cd player. if i was an adult in 2004 i'd have fuck tons of disk audiobooks, and books that i bought and never read, and this seems as good a time as any. in terms of weapons? probably the american baseball bat i brought with me when i moved to europe in this theoretical scenario.

sandford time! i think i'd be able to tell something was going on? with a village so small and my penchant for making friends, i think i'd be attending enough funerals and feeling enough grief to get kinda conspiratorial. i like to think i'd keep that shit to myself, but who knows; i can see myself airing out my worries to the wrong person and getting Dealt With. everyone loves me though, so at the very least the NWA would be very conflicted about it. I imagine they'd poison me and then throw me in the water to fake a drowning.

now newton haven? yeah those blanks are extremely physical, i don't think i stand a chance. imagine if we lived there at the same time and i got blanked first (bc i feel like i would, they'd get me while i was watching the sunset from a bench somewhere) and then i ended up blanking tf out of you when i inevitably trip over my own feet and my arm explodes into blue ink and you walk in and it's like a sitcom for a few brief moments.

actually no, new thought: blank and human roommate sitcom. blank keeps having to come up with convoluted lies about why her arm keeps popping off and why all the laundry keeps getting stained blue. the season four finale changes the status quo when her identity as a blank is revealed. the next five seasons are the blank hashing out increasingly convoluted schemes to try and turn their roommate into an empty. the human roommate never gives these situations the dire attitude they deserve. in fact, both characters keep an unnerving amount of levity to this fucked up game they're playing.

yeah that's us. we get incinerated when the town blows up bc we're too busy laughing about my most recent attempt to blankify you (it involved a fake lottery ticket and a prank call from the queen of england).

perfection. i think this is 100% how it would go down in all cases.

#whoop thank you so much for shooting the question back to me #because i actually didn't think about my answers to them at all when i sent them to you #so i got to think which is always nice #running my mouth #ask and you shall receive

[viralhoax]

me vs. evan williams vs. elvis

i live off a highway exit with a few gas stations, a pharmacy and a liquor store all within the same vicinity. if they weren’t split by the road itself, they could all share a parking lot. the liquor store is on the right, always my passenger side. and i think about the women that run it, and how kind they are, and how nice it smells, and how one bottle of champagne from there and a couple bottle of orange juices from the gas station might just stave off this sadness for a little longer…

but then the light turns green and i go home instead. but for about five seconds, i have a decision to make that is all my own. i don’t have anyone who has stake in this game like i do. i could fold on this hand or go all in, empty my bank account, bet it all and hope i hit 21 this time. and if i hit 21 this time, i’m done for good, i’m satisfied, i’ll go home, i never need to do it again. but if i’m able to just pull off this one-night-of-fun, i can stop now and never again.

okay, yeah. sure. because that’s exactly how that works. you get one big win and one great feeling and then you never wanna do it again, right? mhm. 

i pass the liquor store and go home instead. and the sadness stays, but the sadness would be there whether or not i chugged that bottle or not. as someone who has had clinical depression since age 15 (or prior, but who cares to keep track of points at the trauma olympics?), i know that i will wake up in fear or i will wake up in fear with a headache. i’d rather wake up without the headache.

two years ago, i got drunk at an emo night. and it wasn’t drunk-drunk, really (because we have levels for drunk — there’s buzzed, drunk, drunk-drunk and vodka courtney). i was more regular drunk teetering closer to buzzed. but i remember how little i enjoyed myself. and i remember just wanting to feel sober again, which is something i always remembered wanting to feel in my worst days. the spins, the fear, the lack of control… i wanted it all to be over. and it was, the next morning, until i was plagued by anxiety regarding what i had done, what i had said, who i had hurt, etc. because i knew myself (we’re pretty well-acquainted at this point) and i knew that i was going to start drinking and the shit talk would commence. some of it shitty and gossipy, some of it just venting about my feelings i kept deep inside during the times i was sober. regardless, the damage wasn’t really existent, because i had behaved myself and retained the majority of my memories. but what lingered was the awful, gnawing feeling of “fuck, i shouldn’t be doing this”.

i hit the genetic lottery. i have bad knees, a fucked up back, coarse ass eyebrows and genetic alcoholism and mental illness on both sides of my family. drinking was pounded into my head as a teenager as the worst thing i could do from my mother (next to like, lying and murder), while my father’s family celebrated alcohol in all its forms. the first time i got drunk i was 13 and alone, depressed and anxious over some boy and something stupid he did. skyy vodka vanilla and sparkling blood orange juice. fancy screwdrivers for a little fucking degenerate. i had three and faked being sick to not go to school the next day. i drunk dialed people though, so that was a fun one to have to explain.

i smoked a ton of weed (spoiler: i still do, so i can’t even claim full on recovery or sobriety because i know i have my vices) up until i was 16 and another boy cheated on me and broke my heart and taught me that i am triggered very much by being ghosted. gin and sprite to the brim of a regular kitchen glass. probably 2 or 3 glasses before 12pm because i was home alone. i called said boy who was cheating on me and i don’t remember the conversation except for the fact that i definitely embarrassed myself. i napped, went to work, got too sick to work on the line, lied about being sick, went home, puked, and lied to my mom’s face when she asked if i was drunk. i didn’t start drinking until college intermittently with 19-20 being my kick-off years of drinking alone, drinking so much i puked, crying, and doing a bunch of shit i wasn’t supposed to be doing.

in my early 20s i left one tumultuous relationship where i was drinking a lot for a worse one where i was drinking much more. the difference was is that in the first one, it got called out. i remember my ex looking at me and telling me i was drunk all the time, that i was turning into an alcoholic, that i was never home and always at the bar at the job we worked at. i threw it back in his face because i didn’t want to listen, bitched about how much weed he smoked and made him look like an asshole for showing what was most likely genuine concern (or maybe just frustration, either way, he was right). 

when we broke up (jesus, a pattern!) i was drinking wine from the bottle, at parties with people i shouldn’t have been, ending up with scars on my hands from eating shit walking home from the bars or from other people’s houses. i wore someone else’s shoes home once. i didn’t give a fuck about my own well-being. i went to my office job hungover and bragged about drinking evan williams from the bottle. i was behaving so recklessly and i was consistently enabled to behave that way because my friends were already wild and i was the “innocent” one. 

we won’t get into my single life, because i barely remember it. and what i do remember, i regret with all of me.

i ended up living with someone who made my substance abuse problems look like they were freckles on the face of mount rushmore. i was enabled a lot, my tolerance for alcohol went up and drinking was one of the few things i looked forward to. we bonded through drinking on the weekends together and listening to music. it felt like the only time i had his full attention after a while. but things turned south once my unresolved trauma i repressed started to leak out of me like a burst pipe. it annoyed him, i could tell, but i couldn’t stop and would work myself into panic attacks almost every weekend. all of the things i let lay dormant came up and it wasn’t something he wanted to deal with. he had his own shit he was focused on. 

i don’t want to get into how alcohol almost ended my life one night, so i won’t, but it’s something i live with every day and still have to work through 4 years later.

at the end, i was looking for any type of connection i could find outside of a person i felt like hated me. i bonded with my new coworkers at bars, drinking heavily, behaving recklessly, back to attention seeking behavior and no regard for my own well-being. not eating, not sleeping. just trying to make it through each day feeling as little as possible. the mounting guilt of my lifestyle and decisions were weighing on me and i refused to let myself process any of that. get up, chug caffeine, work retail, eat lunch in backroom, wait all night at shop to go to bar, go to bar, somehow get home. if i ever for any reason had to go straight home, i dreaded it and ended up drunk there too.

that relationship ended and my first healthy relationship started, but we still were drinking to excess. it made me the worst version of myself. it was the only way i felt i could relate to people. i felt stunted — i had no friends my own age anymore after fleeing my past life to try to make a new one. and i know i left hurt in my wake to try to be free, but it felt like it was freedom or death. but i was trying so hard to be relatable, and the only way that i felt like i was worth being around was being the funny drunk who had all the tea. and it made me a bad person. drinking helped me be the worst version of myself. 

i think one of my worst points that made me really truly realize i probably had a problem was being so unbelievably high on a trip to see my favorite artists, taking my anti-anxiety meds and then drinking 4 beers and not remembering anything except for what images and videos i had in my phone the next day. i kept fucking up though, because fucking up is easier than feeling all the shit you don’t wanna feel. 

so november 20, 2021, i stopped. and i don’t foresee myself ever going back. i woke up the night after emo night and was convinced i had done something terrible. the people i was with looked perplexed and said no, you were pretty normal. i didn’t believe them. the paranoia was so intense, it felt like i was being hunted for sport. so i started a counter and said “i’m never feeling like that again”. 

and i know they’re still in there, lurking, this little winged demon, this evil part of me that doesn’t need enabling. this edgy little asshole who needs to be terrible to get noticed. it’s a contest for who can say the worst thing and i refuse to lose. but even stronger than that is the need to feel like i am able to self-govern. and when i get my substances of choice involved, i become ungovernable. my emotions are strong and feel all-encompassing as it is, i don’t need to try to numb my senses even further than i have.

and yeah, i do miss brunch bloody marys. i miss nighttime mimosas. i miss midnight vodka red bulls and weeknight chugging evan from the bottle. i miss being able to relate to other people in a way that felt effortless, in a way that made me open up, in a vulnerable way i felt may be endearing enough to win over people who were never focused on relating to me anyway.

but life isn’t effortless. and sometimes the things that surround us to make life seem a little easier end up making everything so much harder.

i could take the shortcut if i wanted to, but it isn’t worth the reroute. 

i could watch the highlights, but i’ll never experience the full flick.

i could take the shot if i wanted to, but it isn’t worth the hangover.

[mark-of-chrysus]

Part 2

When a man's pride is wounded the outcome is usually unfortunate for the other party.

Perhaps he had been too brazen that morning, or his nonchalance had affected Zack more than he realized because the boy came into the convenience store seething. When his eyes landed on the small figure behind the counter his face twisted into a smirk that would have sent past Daniel probably running for the hills.

Currently, however, Danny had grown to have more faith in his smaller body, even if all the work he had put into losing weight had been reversed, his mind still had all the moves he had learned over the years and under Gun's mentorship deeply ingrained. It was only a matter of his body getting used to the motions all over again, a task which he would have found quite daunting if not for both of his bodies' inhumane ability to perform moves by copying them down to their finest details and unleashing them at his behest.

All that said, it didn't change the flaring temper of the boxer currently leaning over the counter and staring down at him. The cashier looked up at him unimpressed and once again requested identification. This seemed to spark something because the next thing he knew Zack's face turned stormy and a fist came heading for his bulging belly. Daniel managed to keep his expression flat as he caught the incoming blow, though deep inside he snorted at Zack's gobsmacked expression.

"What the heck!"

"That pig actually caught his punch!"

"Zack must be getting sloppy!"

The last comment seemed to irk him indescribably and he turned his ire on his goons, dragging the mercilessly out of the store. Daniel waited until the banging and strangled yelps quieted down until he allowed himself a muffled giggle. In a good mood, he called his mom.

"Oh, who is this? My son~"

His smile grew larger and more genuine at the sound of his mother's voice, though he cringed when he recalled that around this time she would probably be busy picking boxes to make money for him.

"Hey mom, how are you?" His voice came out warmly, and one could easily guess that he was smiling.

"I'm well, how about you? Are you eating enough? How's your new place? Did you make any new friends?"

The boy resolved to try and repair all those years he had been unfilial to his mother and, in a light tone, began chatting with her about his new school and friends, concealing the truth about his other body. His mother was happy and her worries were put at ease so for now, they wished each other good night and hung up.

After the conversation, the pudgy boy returned to the store. As he was making his way behind the counter he caught sight of the lottery tickets near checkout and a thought struck him. Gaining money would be so much easier now that he knew the future (at least, to some extent).

If being around figures like Gun and Goo for so long had thought him anything outside of combat was that money made the world spin. With enough cash, you could get out of some really tough situations and cover up almost anything. Money could also be sent to his mother to ease her burdens, and it could become a factor that would greatly influence his actions in the future.

With his mind made up, Daniel pulled out his phone and went on numerous sites holding lotteries and such other games. He was only familiar with those whose prizes would appear on television during his night shift, but the amount was not negligible. Soon, he told himself, sneaking another glance at the lottery tickets and stifling an uncharacteristically sharp smirk. Soon, this would all be worth it.

He didn't get any more customers that night, so he used most of it to exercise, sorely missing the inches he had gained after losing weight and under the black-eyed maniac's tutelage. While this body worked well for him last time the boy refused to leave it all up to the - frankly ridiculous - luck that had saved him all those times in his past life. He would need agility to fight the stalker and the psycho obsessed with Zoe and other such unsavory characters he had had the misfortune of being met with last time. And that agility, and not to mention speed, would only come with a lighter body that could move properly without all the fat in the way.

The idea was practical, though he still wondered, even when he woke up the next morning in his tall slender body, how this decision would affect his interactions in the future. He looked forward to meeting Vasco, though it would probably be a shock to see his back to his naive self and so quick to judge someone based on appearance. It was already proving to be difficult not to equate these versions of his friend to those he knew they would become and sometimes he despaired at their current attitudes.

This huge relapse sometimes left him dazed. More so than his pride, it wounded his soft, bleeding heart to see all of their progress lost to the wind with them none the wiser.

#lookism #part 2 #daniel park #webtoon lookism #lookism manhwa #zack lee

[rymurrsneckbeard]

15 People 15 Questions

Oh heeeey I got tagged by @wildaboutmnhockey for this!

1. Are you named after anyone?

Kind of roundabout I'm named after Natalie Wood, because a) my dad liked the name and b) "if she's half as beautiful as Natalie Wood she'll be so pretty!"

2. When was the last time you cried?

Maybe like a month ago? I remember there was some dumb thing online that made me all weepy and I can't recall what the hell it was, just the next day I got my period and it's like "oh THAT's why I cried over that!"

3. Do you have kids?

No and I never will. I would not be a good parent. I'll remain the fun aunt!

4. What sports do you play/have you played?

Literally none. I am so damn clumsy and I developed a lot and early so yeah, sports was not my thing.

5. Do you use sarcasm?

Noooooo. Neeeever.

6. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Haircut/color. Call it a job hazard.

7. What’s your eye color?

Hazel

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings by a mile. I hate scary movies, I'm a bigass baby about them.

9. Any talents?

I'm decent at crochet, I like to think I'm a pretty okay writer, I'm a damn good cook, a pretty good baker.

10. Where were you born?

Pittsburgh, Pa, USA

11. What are your hobbies?

Reading, writing, crochet mostly. Travel if that counts.

12. Do you have any pets?

Two cats: Ebby (13) and Max (10) (-ish on both those ages, based on what the shelter told me when I adopted them)

13. How tall are you?

5'4" (slightly below but close enough)

14. Favorite subject in school?

I took a creative writing class in my senior year that I loved, otherwise any of the many art classes I took: ceramics and jewelry were standouts.

15. Dream job.

Honestly I'm probably as close to it as is possible, independent stylist, working for myself, making my own schedule. Though just winning the lottery and being independently wealthy so I could write/cook/travel all the time would be amazing.

I'm breaking the rules and not tagging anyone but if you're interested, go for it!

[justinmitchellfan]

MERCEDES VARNADO X ZENDAYA LOVE STORY SMUT WARNING ⚠️ PART 8 of the continuation of the woman at the bar love story

Chapter 31

I knocked respectively on Lauren's front door while ringing the doorbell and I was so confused well not too confused I mean we did fuck but we aren't together, she wants us to be together just not here and my brain is splitting into 50,000 pieces and I just want them to all stay in place "stop banging on my damn door says Lauren as she groaned taking a bite from her bowl to put into her mouth "laur something happened as I barged into the house and grabbed her arm to pull her upstairs, when we made it inside and I closed the door and threw her on the bed to pace in front of her "we fucked again as that's all I could get out of my mouth "Jesus, I almost spilt my soup asshole and yeah i know, normani called you two out remember says Lauren as she took another bite of the bowls contents

"Not camilla says zendaya and her eyes got big "ms mercedes, you two are a thing again says Lauren and zendaya shook her head "not quite says zendaya "oh so yall are just suck buddies, big deal, you and camilla are fuck buddies too hell you and I will probably be fuck buddies if I get desperate enough says Lauren and zendaya pushed Lauren slightly "stop joking says zendaya "I'm not says Lauren as she rolled her eyes at me "getting good dick is fucking hard and by the sounds camilla makes, you must be better than a lot of guys says Lauren and I decided to just ignore her comments and blurt out what mercedes and I talked about "she wants me to move to Seattle with her says zendaya

Lauren got quiet to get up and sit her bowl down on her desk then lock her bedroom door "you're not going anywhere says Lauren "Lauren please as I grabbed her waist to lead her back to her bed so we could sit down and actually talk about this "she wants to be with me again but not here, she says it's too risky says zendaya "it is risky, no one is supposed to fuck their teachers its the law says Lauren as she responded while grabbing my hand "I'm not just fucking her okay, I love her, not a bullshit love I had for zane, I really really love her, our relationship spans further than sex even though that is a good thing to start at, she makes ne feel like she cares and genuinely likes to know more about me says zendaya as she explained hoping she'd understand "when does she wanna do this says Lauren

"Next week I have to give her an answer because she's quitting that Friday says zendaya "no God fuck that, we've been talking about graduating together for nine years, I would be all about shipping you off to that rainy wasteland but after graduation says Lauren as she tilted my head up with hers so I'd have to stare into those striking green eyes "you're all I have left in this shitty place, I love the other girls, I really do but I don't connect with them like you, please don't do this just wait until graduation says Lauren "what If I don't have that long says zendaya as she frowned and her eyes searched back and forth at mine quickly and she responded

"If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you it's yours if it doesn't it never was, that's Albert Schweizer, ms Mercedes gave us that quote on our second week of school and I think it answers your question says Lauren

------

School again. This was mercedes last week as a teacher and I hadn't even gotten closer to thinking about what I should do and I didn't want to think about it even though I knew I had to and I just decided to focus on one thing ,18, a legal adult able to do adulty things, buy cigarettes, go to the club, win the lottery l, get a tattoo, vote, join the military and legally date mercedes and all I had left was two days until I was 18 and sadly my birthday just had to land on a Thursday so close to a weekend but yet so far away and I hate school on my birthday but times are tough I guess and I felt some arms around my waist and I knew it could only be camilla even though mercedes and I are on good terms, we aren't together still which sucks but I have to keep my options opened since I still don't know what I'm gonna say to her about all of this

"Meet me behind the bleachers at the pep rally this afternoon says camilla as she whispered in my ear and u turned around in her arms and locked my hands around the back of her neck "wher all the bad kids hang out you bet but isn't ally cheering today says zendaya and camilla shrugged "I dunno, I just think that you and I could have a little fun before spring fling on Saturday says camilla "was that this Saturday? Shit, it slipped my mind as I told her honestly. What if I was packing, I promised her I'd go even if it's just as a friend "you are going right says camilla as she raised her eyebrow and I cocked my head to the side and locked eyes with her "I'll try I just completely forgot about it being this weekend as I honestly believed it was the weekend after this one and that I would've already been gone by then if my decision wad Seattle

The halls were filling up slightly with the morning rush but camilla paid no mind to it, she began softly nibbling at my neck and with each tug of the flesh, she spoke "here's. Your. Reminder says camilla and I had to pull my bottom lip to stop myself from letting any sounds leave my mouth "don't make me write you two up for pda says as Mr Robin groaned walking past camillas and my embrace and I pushed camilla off and brushed my hair back with my hand "sorry sir says zendaya "don't stop on our account says Lauren as she whispered in my ear from behind me which made me jump out of my skin "Jesus lo, you always gotta do that as I smacked her arm playfully before grabbing my backpack to slip a strap onto my shoulders

"Who's down to go to toris after party on the night of spring fling says normani as she smirked nudging my arm and I exhaled harshly "you know I can't turn down a good party but I have to see what's happening that night says zendaya and normani grabbed my hand to get down on her knees "cmon I need a drinking buddy, half of our friends can't hold their own and you know it says normani and multiple offened 'heys' rang out from the girls and normani gave them an annoyed look "oh please you know it's true says normani and I pulled her up from her childish plead "I gotta play it by ear mans trust me, I can't think that far ahead right now says zendaya

"Well think about Friday because since our parents won't let us out of their sight on a school night, we will go turn up at the clubs until we puke says normani as she smirked "I'm fine with that says zendaya as she responded happily

Chapter 32

DING. DING. DING and the school bell rang early to release all of the students in this shitty high school to the shitty pep rally. Don't get me wrong, I'm not too cool for pep rallies, I actually like them, jocks dressing up as cheerleaders for laughs, pumped up kids Because they're out of class for an hour, pep rallies are a blessing, I'd just much rather sleep or play chess and I don't even like chess "okay class time for this stupid assembly as Mr Robin said in an annoyed voice because he had to be on chaperone duty even though none of the teachers really chaperoned and people could be smoking meth behind those bleachers and they always turn a blind eye and they believe they are paid to sit out there and I would do the same

The class filed out of the room and I was sadly the last one out since I didn't have many friends in that class, I didn't mind, it's Junior government, why would I want to make friends with kids younger than me? I'd be leaving them after this anyways "why am I always stuck with you says Mr Robin as he complained and I rolled my eyes and flipped my hair "ya know I'm your favorite so quit bugging out says zendaya and he walked out behind me and closed the door to lock it while other classes filled in the hall and I kinda slowed down so I could get lost in the crowd and away from Mr Robin to hide out in the restroom before meeting up with Mila and he didn't bother looking for me, Robin slowly slouched along with the other peers in the direction of the football field, usually rallies are held in gyms but my school is way too big to do that

What I don't get is that out of 3,000 kids, every single teacher and staff knows about me and my reputation, how and I paused my footing and let people walk around me until I felt someone pull back on my shirt when I tried to walk away, the halls cleared and left me in the clutch with one other person. Guess who "and where do you think you're going child says ms zendaya as she asked with a smirk "rallies aren't my thing says zendaya as she answered softly "Is there anything that's your thing says mercedes and I looked back and forth down the halls to see if anyone was near and responded sneakily "you're my thing says zendaya and she pushed me slightly "not here ms zendaya says mercedes "well you asked as I smirked with a pep in my step

"So what class were you in right now says ms mercedes as she asked me to make a little small talk as we got closer to the doors to exit outside "government says zendaya "I thought only juniors took that class says mercedes as she responded with a confused expression "you thought wrong because it's also a class for shitty seniors as I joked feeling the warm California breeze hit my face as we exited the building, I could see the field in the distance and we passed by the bleachers and I could see the bad kids Chilling underneath with camilla, the bad kids being my gang of misfits who smoke cigs and let me bum a few because of my slacker reputation and I pretended like I was going to walk up the steps but I stopped and turned around to head underneath the bleachers

"There's our girl says Harry, a brunette junior who sold me weed a time or two but has been a good friend to be exclaimed and I walked up to give him a hug and he smiled "thought you forgot about your other crew ever since that asswipe Zane got to you sorry about that by the way, if it makes it better we haven't chilled with him in a while right lads says Harry and the three other guys nodded and I went over to give them hugs and handshakes before walking over to kiss camilla on the cheek "so you gonna graduate says will, a kid who I took in to join the crew down under asked as camilla snaked her arms around my waist from behind and I shrugged "I honestly don't know but if I do ill make a shout out to yall fam although I doubt my dumb ass isn't gonna be valedictorian any time soon says zendaya

"Let's go says camilla as she sensually whispered into my ear and I smirked when I noticed everyone heard it too "we'll be back for a cig as I laughed while camilla grabbed my arm to pull me towards one of the more secluded and quiet areas of the bleachers and the crew cat called and hollered towards us and I flipped them off in response, I liked the crew a lot more than the girls sometimes mostly because I didn't have to feel superior to the crew, we were all misfits in this high school and no one really expected us to succeed so we didn't and they knew more about me than the girls did, to the girls, me finding women attractive wad a suprise, to the crew, they'd be offened if I didn't rate girls on a scale from a day to day basis

"Get it says Harry as he hollered which made me send him a glare before I was pulled behind some columns away from the sight of the others and I rushed into the kiss and I still feel guilty for using camilla as a booty call but this is helping my frustrations more and more and I pushed her back onto one of the cement columns ans was pleased to notice that she was wearing a short skirt and I grabbed her thighs and lifted her off of the ground so she'd have to wrap her legs around my waist and camilla brought my bottom lip between her teeth and tugged lightly which sent me into a frenzy "you're gonna regret that Mila says zendaya and she smirked until she felt my fingers graze over her clit before they slipped inside of her "oh fuck says camilla as she moaned out loudly right as the band began to play, thank God

Camilla bit down on my shoulder as I began fucking her senseless, her hips bucked into my fingers while her arms clutched to hold onto my neck to keep herself up and her moans got louder so I had no choice but to kiss her to keep her quieted down and the teachers may not care about kids smoking cigs underneath the bleachers and being nuisances but I'm sure they wouldn't like people fucking under here and she moaned in my mouth as my tongue attacked hers, she began coming undone with each pump of my fingers, her walls tightened and let go around my fingers with each moment which was a signal to show me she was closer than usual

"Oh shit says camilla as she moaned out in an elongated manner which made me press my lips to hers again so she'd shut the hell up while I helped her ride out her orgasm and her body bucked a few times before her breath finally started to steady and the high of the sex was obviously written on her face once I sat her feet down safely on the ground while pulling my fingers out of her and camilla pulled her skirt down and before I could lick my fingers off she grabbed my hand and stuck my fingers in her mouth and sucked them clean which was strangely a turn on "I'm coming over tonight to take care of you says camilla as she pressed her lips to mine once more before grabbing my hand and having me lead her out from behind the columns

We began walking towards the crew once more to see them all have a smirk on yheir faces, Harry held up a cig for me with a wink and I got close enough to retrieve it and he nudged me to look back "that new hot teacher found the hideout says Harry and ms mercedes was Standing on the opposite end that we were , her arms were crossed and her eyes glared towards me before she walked off back up the bleachers. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, I wonder how much she saw and I had to pretend like I wasn't mentally freaking "yeah she's cute as I leaned in to let Harry bring the lighter up so I could light up the cig "and up your ass says camilla as she joked sitting on a crate with her legs crossed

I nodded "don't worry, I get up her ass too so I guess I deserve it as I breathed in the smoke and slowly let it out and I felt my phone go off in my pocket and pulled it out to see a text from mercedes

Mercedes: Don't bother coming to detention today I can't even look at you

FUCK

Chapter 33

I had to settle this, I leaned against a column while I let the cig sit on the edge of my lip to free my hands to type

Zendaya: what the fuck, you're gonna be like this really

Mercedes: I don't wanna be with you after you've been with her, do not come by my class after school

Zendaya: we aren't together stop acting like this

Mercedes: we will talk about this tomorrow just give me a day to cool down and for you to take a shower

Zendaya: whatever

I stuffed my phone back into my pocket and glared over to Harry "something bothering you love says Harry as his voice was soft and I nodded "just some drama as I took another inhale and thought for a second "you still deal says zendaya and he nodded "but of course says Harry and I took the cig out of my mouth and ashes the small bud onto the cement below "Meet me after school at my car says zendaya "you have detention says camilla uncomfortably, she's always hated me getting high and zendaya shrugged "I can ditch one day says zendaya and Harry held out his hand "the kid is back says Harry and I met it and he pulled me up from the ground to sit beside him on a crate about 4 feet long

------

It was the end of the school day and I was more than happy to go meet up with Harry at my car and I threw my bag in the locker and slammed the door, I felt someone pull my shirt as I began walking away, what the fuck is it with people grabbing this shirt, they're gonna stretch the damn fabric and I turned to see Lauren with 'to kill a mockingbird' grasped in her hand and the other was perched on her hip "where are you running off to says Lauren and zendaya shrugged "skipping out on detention says zendaya "why says Lauren and I looked back to make sure no one was around "she saw me fucking camilla under the bleachers and got jealous so I have a meeting with my good friend Harry says zendaya

"Please tell me this isn't sweet boy-drug dealer Harry says Lauren as she whined brushing her fingers through her long dark hair "in the flesh as I responded about to turn around but I was stopped by 3 other girls "I guess the mom brigade is assembled says ally and ally glared at me "why do you always do this, you do so good and then those people bring you right back down to rock bottom says ally and I was annoyed, I've heard this lecture time and time again, I was not in the mood for another 'bad seed' sitcom moment and I reached in my pocket to check for my keys, my eyes rolled so hard at them I thought they could have fell out of my head "Camilla are you still coming over or not says zendaya and she frowned and looked over at the other girls for reassurance and shook her head

"Fine as I pushed passed normani and ally to head out towards the student parking lot, my car was in the middle of the boonies only because I didn't like parking by too many kids, sometimes this school can get sketchy and I don't want a bitch to ram into me and Harry was leaning against the drivers door on his phone when he looked up and smiled with that cheeky dimple and u ran to give him a hug as always, such a good guy and he reached in his pocket and I unlocked my car to start and shuffle through my console but he stopped me "woah woah woah, what are you doing says Harry and I pulled out $30 dollars so I could get my regular "paying the dealer says zendaya as she laughed

He shook his head and handed me the baggie with my two grams in it "no need kitten, this is just a welcome back gift, you've spent so much time with your popular girls, I'm just glad to see you get back on the grind says Harry as he held out his hand and I met it to grab the weed but he had a hold on me as a signal to look into his eyes "I really mean it, it's been too long just remember you're always welcome in the crew says Harry and he let go to walk away and I yelled out towards him "I better be, I'm the one that started it says zendaya

------

"Where the fuck are my papers as I yelled out completely aggravated that I couldn't find my rolling Papers, it had been months since I'd smoked so there no telling where they'd be "oh shit I'm stupid as I finally remembered I put them in the desk of my drawer with my grinder and I pulled out the chair of my desk to sit down and begin putting in work. I know what you're thinking, well fuck off, I like weed so what, there's no deeper rhyme or reason, I just like being high, Zane started me on this but I grew an absolute love for it, the girls on the other hand saw it as a way of changing him 'changing me", I don't mind, I'm safe about it, I don't go out or drive, I don't text or call people first when I'm fucked up, I keep to myself, if anything I should be high all the time so I'd stay out of trouble for once

After rolling up a few joints, I went to the kitchen to find the package of pocket lighters I had Zane buy me a while back, it had every color you could think of and it was a life saver because I always lost lighters and I lit the end and breathed in at a pace so the weed would be able to be inhaled properly before returning to my room and soon one joint was gone and my room started getting smokey, I turned on a small lamp at my desk before lighting the next joint and my phone rang from my bed and I went over to see who it was. Mercedes why is she even calling and I pressed "accept' and spoke "hello says zendaya "hey, can we talk says mercedes and I looked down at the joint in my hand and quickly inhaled before replying "you know what, now isn't a good time, maybe Tomorrow says zendaya

"Is she there says mercedes as her voice was soft and not angry like I would've expected it to be "nope as I took another hit and held it in for a moment "she as well as my other friends don't agree with my choices so I don't think they're talking to me for today says zendaya "your choices says mercedes and I blew out another Lung full of smoke, damn I'm blowing through this joint like a pro "yeah my choices, maybe we can talk tomorrow or something, I'm actually about to order a pizza and chill since I got off easy says zendaya "are you high says mercedes as her voice exclaimed through the receiver "well I'm not drunk says zendaya as she laughed "but really I gotta call for some pizza, love ya mercedes, bye says zendaya

------

30 minutes later, two sodas, and half a pizza later, someone was at my back door and I had just lit another joint so I got super paranoid and I walked to the back to see mercedes with her Gucci bag clutched to her side and I unlocked the door hesitantly and saw her expression change completely from neutral to suprised "you look so fucked up says mercedes

Chapter 34

"Well I hope I do or else my dealer is fucking me over as I joked and she pushed passed me to enter my house and walk towards the hallway where my bedroom was "come in I guess says zendaya and I followed behind her to see her stopped at the opened bedroom door "it's so smokey in here, how much have you had sats mercedes as she looked back to me "two joints, I was starting a third one when you came in says zendaya as she told mercedes honestly. Why was she even here, I thought she was mad at me and she threw her bag down at the entrance of my room to walk in and lay on my bed "is everything okay as I was a little eerie and confused as to what was happening and she didn't look happy, she looked stressed

"If you still have that joint and wanna share, I think it'd make it better says mercedes

-----

After smoking my last pre made joint with mercedes, I was seated on the edge of the bed ashing the roach into a garbage can and her long arms snaked around my waist and she nuzzled her mouth into the crook of my neck, I melted into the embrace with a smile "I'm gonna miss you if you don't come sats mercedes as she whispered softly and my smile turned into a frown quickly "can we not talk about this right now, at least not while I'm high says zendaya "fine says mercedes as her lips were planted on my neck for a moment "let's talk about your birthday, have any plans says mercedes "not on Thursday but on Friday I do says zendaya "then detention is canceled on Thursday because we are gonna go out and treat you says mercedes as she smiled

I turned around on the bed and laid my legs on top of hers "you don't have to do that m, I'm fine just serving my time then going home says zendaya and mercedes eyes were focused on my lips and I could tell the high was taking over her "I'm gonna do it and you are going even If I have to tie you up says mercedes "I wouldn't mind that as I sensually replied and mercedes licked her beautiful red lips and smirked at me "what as I was confused, there was nothing to smirk at and mercedes cupped my cheek and carefully placed her lips on mine, this wasn't our usual lust filled kisses, this was soft and sweet not rushed, it felt like it was the only thing that mattered in the world, the San Andreas fault could collapse on us right now and I'd be fine with it

Mercedes pulled away and grabbed my hips so we could lay back, I laid on top of her chest and we just entangled ourselves together in silence, her lips pecked the top of my head and in a groggy voice she spoke "I love you zendaya says mercedes "I love you too mercedes says zendaya

-------

We had passed out, snuggled close together when my bedroom door busted open and mercedes and I both shot up in fear but the fear slightly subsidied when I noticed who it was, Lauren and she looked angry actually she looked furious "zendaya I need to talk to you now says Lauren as she roared at zendaya "i-i uh as I got up from the bed and looked back at mercedes "maybe I should go says mercedes as she propped herself up "don't bother says Lauren as she grabbed my arm harshly and pulled me out of the room into the den of my house "what the fuck is your issue as I pulled my hand away from Lauren's tight grip "pretty boy Harry told me he gave you two grams of weed says Lauren as she huffed

"So what as I rolled my eyes at her and she smacked the back of my head "you don't need to grams of fucking weed, you barely even need one, what the fuck are you trying to do says Lauren "ow as I rubbed the sore spot on my head "don't fucking hit me as I smacked her arm "then you have her in your house, do you know how risky that is, you could get her sent to jail, does any of this mean something to you says Lauren as she was angry and she had a right to be, I'm not myself anymore and that's only because I feel like this year has changed me, in some ways, for the better but in others it's not so good, bad habits have their consequences "Lauren says mercedes as she spoke coming out of the hallway to where we were "I can explain all of this says mercedes

"Not you okay, the least you can do is just fucking stop what you're doing says Lauren as she barked at mercedes "hey quit it as I nudged Lauren "she's done nothing wrong, this is all on me says zendaya "Lauren, I don't know what you're thinking but this isn't what most people have it out to be, I really care about zendaya says mercedes as she tried to explain but Lauren's eyes were bound to roll "oh please, to me it seems like all zendaya was most of the time was a booty call, do you know how upset and hurt she was when she came crying to me about you and your fuck boy or when I walked in on her crying in the kitchen because she really cares about you even though you only give her the time of day when it's acceptable

Zendaya doesn't catch feelings for many people or let a lot of people in her life but she did for you and you hurt her says Lauren as she explained protectively and mercedes stepped closer to respond to Lauren "listen I didn't mean to hurt her like I did, she's beautiful, sweet, smart and such a great soul, I wouldn't be here now if I didn't care about her, I love her and I can't help that what we are doing is wrong okay says mercedes and Lauren crossed her arms and kept her glare "I want to be alright about this, I do for the sake of zendaya says Lauren "then be alright with it says zendaya as she blurted out "but I just think it'd be a stupid idea to pursue this after graduation, I'm not gonna tell anyone about you two because it's not my place, just

As Lauren Paused to think correctly and turned to mercedes "think about what you're doing to her, she struggled for 4 years to get this close, don't talk her into making that go to waste says Lauren "Lauren as I tried to get her to stop but she just sent me a rude stare "I'm done here, see you at school tomorrow says Lauren as she hurried out of the house and mercedes slowly stepped towards me as I hung my head down, Lauren had a point even though I didn't wanna admit it, I've spent too much time trying to graduate and I'm so close and as Lauren's car revved out of the neighborhood, mercedes pulled me in close by my waist and kissed my forehead before speaking "I'm gonna go too, I'll see you tomorrow says mercedes and before I could stop her, she let go to grab her bag and went out the door

[elfyourmother]

22, 27, and 30 for the FFXIV asks, please!

22. You obtain one in-game item to use/wear IRL, what do you pick and why?

Fat Cat is the only possible answer to this question. Because Fat Cat.

27. You now have the ability to add in one character and one dungeon from any Final Fantasy title prior to XIV, who/what do you pick and why?

I get that if it was gonna happen it would have been during Stormblood but this game is in desperate need of an ex-imperial general who was genetically engineered and experimented upon so that she could perform magic and then subsequently defected and fell in love with a thief treasure hunter with the resistance is all I’m fucking saying.

CELES CHERE WHEN.

As for dungeons I am still kinda salty that in an expansion rife with FFIV love that featured 2 of the iconic dungeons from that game (albeit one of those was really in name only *side eyes Tower of Babil not using The Music*), the Giant of Babil was nowhere to be seen--that’s still one of the iconic sequences in the franchise, certainly in the SNES era. but I comfort myself with how at least it looks like we’re getting Theo & Co for the trial storyline this time around.

the Via Purifico from FFX is an honorable mention though, it’s such an underrated dungeon imo and I actually brought it into my personal worldbuilding in Giseleverse as being the secret dungeon beneath the Vault that people get disappeared to. It’s actually where Aymeric was imprisoned after confronting Thordan during 3.0 MSQ and it’s going to figure into that post-Dragonsong Law & Order: Special Heretics Unit fic with Ysayle that’s on my long list of things I wanna write (the Inquisition finds out she’s alive and being sheltered by Aymeric and puts her on trial for her crimes).

30. What do you hope for in the next expansion?

That Gridania actually gets some plot focus, hopefully being forced to reckon with its many, many issues the way Limsa, Ul’dah, and Ishgard have. I mean my Elezen is a Wildwood who only got that way after being reborn from another shard and I started in Ul’dah so I literally have no dog in this fight but it really feels like the Elementals clashing with the revamped cosmology for ARR resulted in Gridania basically getting put on a bus, and I don’t think it helps at all that the Scions who had it as their territory got virtually no screen time after the ARR story branches converge, then we lost them both.

The Tank role quests helped give Kan-E some much needed fleshing out but it’s wild to me how this major city-state gets so little attention. I shouldn’t feel like I chose “correctly” as an Ul’dah player. And the little I did see of that place on class quests made me feel like the place is long overdue for a reckoning the way Merlwyb finally got called to account for the tribal issues Limsa got at the end of the ShB patches. That society is actually so fucked up once you look past the pretty trees

Also like...as a severe understatement I have a lot more faith in Yoshi-P, Ishikawa et al than Blizzard but previous experience makes me Wary when MMOs wrap up major, years-long storylines and start having to come up with new plots. I don’t want to see this game take a nosedive the way WoW did when they ran out of WC RTS plots to followup on post-Wrath of the Lich King. I also hope the next expansion sticks the landing because I have the unpopular opinion that EW peaked with Elpis and never really recovered (UT was just...not good)

Also also: Radz-at-Han housing district, outdoor item limits raised for smalls, “fc room” type instanced housing in Fortemps Manor or the Meghaduta, and something better than this absolute horseshit lottery system

#askbox memes #yloiseconeillants #ask bisho

[threenorth]

Pretty easy actually...(today's music ish one)

Today I woke up, called you, got my favorite voice mail system.

Had a coffee and an apple and bake beans with toast, did some job searching then mom's freind stopped by as her mom was due to pass away and just wanted some council I guess, I told her I was sorry about her news and tried to offer some advice about living with someone passing on.

Looked at few roles called a recruitment agency about a real shitty sales role but it's in Melbourne, they didn't pick up not a surprise to be honest.

Played a little minecraft, went to the end city to try find an eltra.

Had a vegan burger, for dinner.

And that was most of the day... Now I'm in bed thinking about you...

Messages,

Weezer wasn't really played on our first date, but I'd say our second date would be radiohead on the roof, looking at the stars. But Vance Joy weirdly, I think maybe yesterday at the pools was I herd a Vance joy song the other day and went haven't herd him in awhile but it was riptide, not particularly my favourite but an interesting concept I suppose.

I wonder if our kids will have your hair and my eyes or just a mix of both, at some point mom said something as a joke that if I marry a blonde my kids might get dad's red hair, and years later both me and cam have red facial hair but my beard is very multicolored like my eyes.

But I wouldn't care so much how they look, it's not for me to play magic lottery for what would be nice or cute as I'd love them all the same. I'm more worried about their genes, seeing at this stage, skinny and lean beans, tall as heck. As suposedly 4 inches on average then their moms and I assume going into surfing as we're laknky.. Well I am still but you're still pretty lean compared to my cousins...

This doesn't sound like you, but you want me to want you? I've wanted you for awhile, I'm sure you are the same but and I'm happy to wait as long as I must... For reasons it be, but hopefully soon I'll be back state side... Well I mean to Colorado seeing my next trip is going to be a yawn in sebria Ohio....I'm looking forward though to trying the new vegan products I saw on Netflix if they are in the local specialty supermarket called mustard seed.

Not a day goes by, well for me almost everytime I check my phone your there too. You look so cute I'll warn you, that I could bite your lip all night but now, we have more fun things to do.

You didn't do anything wrong, I'll take all the blame, as it was I who ruined things because I asked you not to speak to me, I've said this, again I was mid mental breakdown and thought it would of protected you but you saw right through me...it was kind of beuiutful but also painful as I guess I got what I asked for... Both the good you, and the bad, the not so much talking to me...

You have always been enough for me, just hard with jobs.. Money.. Debt... Life gets crazy doesn't it... It's not really stopped and if anything sometimes I feel it's getting worse with this redundancy...

We can't change yesterdays but everyday is beuiutful new start, and that's about living presently... I'm doing alright but I'm getting quite tired of my mental health of nightmares being pretty weird and ruining my energy levels...

Waiting, paitence is quite difficult for someone with adhd, but for you I'll wait...but for you, I know youve waited awhile... And your welcome back anytime you want... I just hope soon I'll have money again and maybe eventually a house to call our own...

I don't know if this was for me but I'm currently in Auckland, boring and I'm okay I guess just not great... Job searching not as fun as you think...

And trying to get a promption or a better job it's just a pain... I'd say I'm doing okay but not great...

Anyway...

Have a great Monday, I hope you still have sometime off work or take some time for you, like tubing is fun if you can't ski or snow board because of your disability but remember to stay safe.

I miss you.

Thinking about you,

Hopefully I'll see you in my dreams again but don't feel bad if your not because everyday with you is a dream.

XO

R

P.S

I thought you might laugh but, I keep swear I see tall woman and I'm like that's how tall you are and think how nice it will be to kiss you and see into those beautiful hazel eyes, but I feel bad for the woman I'm staring at in a day dream while they must be thinking who knows what... But I'm not actually thinking about them... Just you. Especially tall blondes with hazel eyes, those are like all coming to me, it's like the universe is sending me clones of you, I might have to call in attack of the clones.

Oh and today's image it's a Spoiler below, I actually got them fairly easily.

That's...

Kanas

Kiss

Eagles

Journey

Boston

Yknow my hand writing is bad and Math isn't really my strong suit but this next one for Tommrow's....seems easier.

12:47am

[handelplayssims]

Lottery day! Might as well purchase some tickets, even if 2B and 9S don’t need the money. 2B’s got less than two hours until she heads into work so I’ll just have her meditate a bit before heading out. 9S is finally awake at 11AM! Low fun so lets do his whim, playing chess. Second whim is to chat with Tetsuya, who’s at work until 4. We’ll just play chess until then and then invite him over. ...I’m also planting a bug on him. Just because. Work for 9S is, once again, writing reports. So again, we’ll write that report and then be parked at the computer for even more time. ...ah yes, need a new aspiration for 9S. I’ll go with Nerd Brain, as it ties into Logic and Handiness is not that bad.

2B wants to chat with Alice Spencer-Kim but alas, 9S has his socialization going on, not with Tetsuya, but with Eddie, who dropped by. Thankfully, they both left. So the two just had a little chat. Right. 2B still has her aspiration to do so when we are to chat with Alice Spencer-Kim, we’ll do it at the Onsen, right next to the slopes. A nice check in was had. Right, now let’s SHRED THOSE SLOPES! ...the bunny slopes, I mean. At least until level 2. Annnd injury. I was going to switch slopes but with that, we better relax some more at the onsen. Annnd it’s 5AM on the next day. And Winterfest. Neither 2B or 9S have any particular desires to do anything on this holiday. ...but at some point, you know my boy is going to rush over and go “2B! 2B! Where have you been!?” Jealous as he is. Also, I misunderstood! I thought we needed some snowboarding and rock climbing but I just needed the rock climbing. ...ah, and I got a reminder about climbing gear. Ah well. When we got home, I’ll get that sorted. For now, we practice! ...and bring 9S over. So he can check in on 2B and join in on her in rock climbing. Also Sabrina Slade won the lottery. Congratulations to this random townie.

I had 2B and 9S exchange gifts at least. They would at least do that for Winterfest, I believe. Meanwhile, while 2B rock climbs, I had 9S ski. Seems like a 9S thing to do. Also AYE! I finally got a call from another sim to hang out! Aurun asked 9S to hang out at his home. Sims update just happened that made changes to allow that to work. Wooo. Still rejecting it though. We’re skiing! Now we can focus on 9S’s whim! Asking 2B on a da- she’s sleepy. Dang it. Well, let’s return home. Good day at the slopes, very productive towards skill building. ...after 9S gets a skill raise in skiing first. Now he’s sleepy. Might as well do the festive things together and then go to sleep. Wait no, woohoo and THEN sleep. Because yep. Yep. That be those two.

Let’s see then. 2B’s whims are to flirt with Miko Ojo...eh and to mourn the dead. Ehhhh. We don’t even have any dead to mourn. Father Winter is here so we’ll just wait for him to go away before heading out to the local bar with Miko. Ahp, Father Winter is chatting with 2B, let’s see if we can ask for a prese- annnd there he goes. Ah well. Eh, this is the final day so let’s just get some rest before we end this time with the androids. And just about 5AM! Nice! Let’s check Neighborhood Watch and head off!

Neighborhood Watch!

Tyrell Carlisle in the Carisle household has died. Tyrell asked a rabbit if it wanted a carrot, but the rabbit chose violence.

Rosa Landgraab in the Lend household left her job as a Getaway Driver in the Boss career.

Oooooh intersting! That might mean new paths for her. Maybe.

Forgotten Hollow: The Paewai household recently moved out.

Tatum Olivas in the Olivas household retired from the Diver career.

Alright, let’s see where the dice roll takes us. Ooooh, Moody and McMillan! We’re going to visit some old gays next time so see you all then!

#sims 4 #blogging #nier automata #2b #9s #lots and lots of rock climbing grinding this post #and an entire holiday just going “eh” because no one particularly cared for the traditions

[coldcasescenario]

journal entry 07/12/23

You said to call next time. I kept thinking that I didn’t want to put my burdens on you. I went back and forth about it for a while. I mean, gosh, you’ve already done enough for me and you certainly don’t deserve to deal with the results of my idiocy. But then I thought about what I use for my own personal motivation, that you can’t win the lottery if you don’t even buy a ticket; and that you can’t fix your problems if you don’t even look at them. And as much as my cowardly instinct is to never reach out and just run away from my problems, saving them for another day, the more I keep running, the larger the shadow behind me grows. Sometimes I need to learn to bite the bullet and do the things I’m afraid of, like facing my problems head on, accepting the blame, and figuring out how to fix them. But all I ever fucking do is complain. I whine and complain that the world is cruel and unfair, even though I’ve caused all of my problems myself. I honestly don’t know how I am so incompetent with so many things, but very competent at continuing to keep making things worse and worse, every time I think it’s the worse it can get, and I think “oh this is rock bottom it can only go up from here”, I somehow manage to make it even worse. You think I’d get it through my thick head that my habits are unsustainable and that I’ll keep fucking everything up, but alas I never learn. So now I’ve led myself to a situation where I might actually become homeless, which means I’ll need someone to look after my cats, which means, what the fuck do I do because I literally cannot survive without them. And I’ve let my friends down, and I’m unreliable, and you might be the only person who is proud of me, but if I listed all the shitty things I’ve done, and how I’ve never learned from them, I’m just not sure how proud of me you’d still be. I don’t want to die, and I certainly don’t want my cats to have to live without me, but I don’t know what to do at this point. How did I get to age 23 and screw things up so badly. I can’t even talk to my fucking therapist because she doesn’t take my insurance anymore, and I already paid out of pocket for the past 6 months but can’t do that anymore, but also by the end of the day I might not even have insurance anymore so it wouldn’t really make a difference. And won’t that be fun?? It’s tough cause if I do what I know I need to do to start fresh, things will be really really really awful for a while, but eventually get much better. But if I just keep on going like this they’ll keep sucking at this rate indefinitely, and the main thing bringing me down will always remain. What would you choose? Ripping the bandaid off leaving a gaping open wound that you can treat for infection, or letting the bandaid stay and cover up the ick so you don’t have to deal with it for awhile? Both unappealing, different types of pain—sharp, searing, and momentous, versus deep aching sores picking at you internally causing constant discomfort…wouldn’t it be swell if art could provide income. But has it ever been that way? Money is the only way to get money. And pain is the only way to heal I guess. At a standstill. Waiting for the right sign. I’m not giving up on this life, but I sure am not feeling all too excited about it.

It’s funny how someone can want things to get better but we have to pay to exist. And we wonder why the suicide rates are so high, when you need to pay thousands of dollars insurance or out of pocket to get help. Even medically, if you get hurt, you’ll be in debt for the rest of your life. Chock it all up to capitalism? Or just take the damn blame and realize how fucked up we are. Not just as a society, but as individuals. You walked around Syracuse crying all day and no one said anything or asked if you were okay. Homeless people die on the streets of NY everyday and no one bats an eye. Why do we bother? I like to think it’s because there is good in humanity, but it’s just so rare that although its singularity makes it all the more special that it leaves an impact on whoever is touched by it, the rarity means the chances of getting touched by it are so small, and you may go through your whole life or die before you’re given the chance to experience it. I guess I got a taste of it from having people tolerate me, support me, and care for me. But the rarity from that one stranger who COULD save your life reaching out is unparalleled. They dont know you, and yet they think you’re worth it. I only ever had rico like that. He was always there when people weren’t. And Friday I’ll be picking up my passport and likely saying goodbye to him. Not because I want to, not because he’s going anywhere, but because he’s the sacrifice I need to make to create a better life for myself. How do you know when and what to sacrifice? How do you know it’s the right choice? I suppose we NEVER truly know when we’ve made the right choice. We just hope that eventually we find happiness and see it in others. But if we don’t, do we blame it on having made the wrong choice? Or do we place fault on all the other factors out of our control that the universal decided should play a role. What good is slitting your wrists if nothing changes? And what good is reaching out for help if you can’t afford it. I want there to be a good, I want there to be a reason, I just don’t see it.

Oh go ahead world, call me antisocial. Call me psychotic. Maybe I am. But you can’t put me in a mental hospital if there’s no one to pay the bills. And that’s how our mentally ill end up on the streets isn’t it?

We learn in school that Hinduism casts aside its untouchables to live on the streets, poor for their whole lives, unable to move up the ladder. We say how shocking that part of their culture is, how inhumane, how we couldn’t believe people could turn a blind eye. But how are we literally any different? If you voice your concerns too much, you’re an attention whore, pick me girl, or narcissist. If you don’t voice your concerns enough, you’re too lazy to get better, unmotivated, and unwilling to heal. To seek out a professional you need to be rich enough and motivated enough—and stable enough to attend your sessions. And have a method of transportation to get there, or have a computer AND wifi and a place to sit for online sessions. do you see how we have gentrified ourselves? We have divided ourselves into categories—and those without the financial stability to save themselves from their own humanity end up being cast aside, while those with money can treat their problems and go on to make more money.

But then there’s the issue of making money. You’re only allowed to make money in certain ways. Some ways are illegal, many are frowned upon, and the rest render you subject to the worlds judgment, and being placed in a box of stereotypes for the rest of your life. Which will you choose? Who are you truly versus who others will see you as? Are you ever equally both? Does anyone’s perception of you equate to your own perception of yourself?

Sometimes I want to talk to Van Gogh, or moonbin, or Jonghyun. Someone so pained that in their lives they were never appreciated, their art was never understood. Always an untouchable. Only after they died did their legacy bloom. And maybe that’s what drives the suicidal. The instant bone crush as the catalyst for their legacy to begin. But will they ever see it? And if their legacy never measures up to the drive that lead them into the dark, will they still have done it? Will the lack of pain have been enough? No, cause they can’t feel the lack of pain. So again, it’s useless. I don’t want everything to be useless. I mean how messed up do you have to be to think even suicide won’t end your pain. Life isn’t useless for everyone, but for those who are astray, they may never find its use, and they’ll stay in the dark where others long to be.

I don’t want to be in the dark. I don’t want to be like Van Gogh, or Moonbin, or Jonghyun. I want a legacy, sure, but I want to see my art be appreciated. I want to spread all the love and goodness that I have to others. Sometimes days just take their tolls on us, and we need others. Sometimes those days turn into weeks or months. Things might get better on their own, but what kind of perserverence let’s life take control of them?

I hope my struggles will turn into more motivation. More music. More love. More sharing joy. I hope they’ll make me a better person. I just need some help in not repeating the same mistakes.