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queer-vampire · 5 years

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haven’t done a read more in a while... bunch of trigger warnings (surrounding abuse) ahead

i have a lot of things running through my head right now. i have for the past week and a half now. nothing short of one extreme thought to the next. it first started out with wondering if my unexplained diagnoses could be some form of bipolar disorder. one top of that, my health insurance is in the clouds so i can’t pick up my meds yet and i’m going through some emotional and mental withdrawals instead of physical ones. the other day i had a full blown episode and the ONLY thing that helped was doping up on my emergency anxiety meds to help me sleep the ENTIRE day.

on top of it all, im still needing to move out as soon as i can. there is a lot of factors to take into consideration, but moving out is my absolute number one priority now. i cannot live here anymore. it might seem like an exaggeration, but i think living here is slowly eating away at my sanity.

fast forward to today, and my post about my victimology class. day one of this class i knew i’d be opening up a box stuffed away in my mind that read ‘do not open, ever’ and yet, i took a box cutter and ripped that shit open wide.

so, since january of this year ive been treading lightly around the contents of what was inside the box. but today, oh boy, today i finally sat down and looked at them.

physical abuse. thats something i didn’t want to say. thats something i was on the fence about for the better part of five years now. “no, it was just a misunderstanding” i would say to myself. its true, what you can tell others often times you can tell yourself. thats literally textbook responses for victims. its not that i didn’t know, i just didn’t want to acknowledge it yet. or at all.

no, it doesn’t stop there. there is something deeper down in that box that i didn’t dare take out until today. im already peeling back the physical abuse, might as well get the final piece out of the box. now, before i even begin, it’s not rape. i know that for a fact. honest. unless my brain has REALLY made me forget shit, it’s not anything extremely sexual.

my dad would tickle my sister and i without having any self control. he wouldn’t stop when we would scream it out. he would have us literally pinned to the ground so we couldn’t escape. i can recall a few incidents where i pissed myself because he wouldn’t stop.

just because someone is laughing while its happening, doesn’t mean its not painful or traumatizing. thats the automatic response. centuries ago, and even today in some countries, they have tickle-torture. like for FUCKS sake that shit is so far from ok.

1) he pinned us down 2) he didn’t stop when we screamed at him to stop 3) we would piss ourselves 4) sometimes our wrists would hurt for a while afterwards

this is borderline sexual abuse. in some definitions it is. i don’t know how i would conclude it, i’ll ask my therapist when i see her in a couple of weeks. i know she’ll leave it up to me, but i want her honest opinion. part of me wants to be a little dramatic about this, but knowing that i’ve been right and validated by her with my assumptions before i know deep down what she’ll say.

i don’t know if he’s done anything else with my sister, but he’s done a few other more physical-based actions with me. when i was younger, he would grab me if i wasn’t getting what he was saying during an argument we were having. it wasn’t anything incredibly aggressive, but it was tight around my arm. at one point, when i was no older than five, he carried me up to the master bedroom and pinned me to the bed and yelled at me right in my face about how i was acting like ‘a baby’. five years old.

that was the only time he got that aggressive with his physical actions. the last time he did anything physical was when i was still in my cast and using crutches. he was wanting to start an argument and i wasn’t having it. he was in my room but i knew i couldn’t yell at him to get out, so i started for the bathroom. but before i could even make my first step with my crutches to get out of my chair, he ripped one of the crutches from me and it nearly made me fall over. i was stunned, since he hadn’t done anything physical in a long time. but ooooooh it made me furious. i kept my cool, but that will forever haunt me.

and something else that is crossing boundaries that could lead to some sexual abuse of some kind is the fact that BOTH my parents don’t really understand intimate boundaries. or just boundaries in general. what i mean specifically is that they seem to think it’s ok that they can just walk around almost naked. as a kid i don’t remember it bothering me much, but that is most likely because i had to suppress any trauma from that. it got so bad that i legit thought it was normal that parents did that. dear god how fucking gross is this??? i haven’t seen my dad naked before thank GOD, but i have seen my mom naked. and it wasn’t because i accidentally walked in on her changing or anything. how in the FUCK did she not learn that when people are in the house that you just don’t walk around naked??????????? like “oops i forgot my towel, i’ll have to yell out a) can someone bring it to me or b) yell out that i need to step out naked for a second” like AT LEAST do those two things jesus FUCK.

i knew about ^ earlier than the newest cesspool of shit i opened up today. i knew the previous physical interactions with my dad in arguments wasn’t healthy either, but for years i’ve completely denied that it was a problem, and for five years i desperately denied that it was physical abuse because i didn’t want to deal with it. i didn’t want to hear it. i didn’t really want to try and work through all of that.

what makes my experience the LITERAL worst is that everything is in a grey area of definition. nothing i’ve experienced is textbook definition. no one could catch on just by looking at any of us. hell, i fucking cheated the system even though i have many undiagnosed disorders and unspecified learning disabilities that are most likely dyslexia and dyscalculia. the four of us were very, very good a hiding a lot from public eye. thats why ive always hesitated when talking about my childhood in this light. its not an easy explanation to people who aren’t familiar with different kinds of abuse.

yeah, i don’t have to explain shit to anyone. i’m learning to really take that to heart, because people need to trust me when i say that i’ve been abused. emotionally and now, i guess, physically. no matter to what degree and how repetitive it was/is its still abuse.

i need to move. i don’t know where to go. i don’t have a lot of money. im still recovering from my car accident. im a college student. i have a cat to take care of. i have a job but it’s proving to be literal hell, but i have one lined up and it pays the same. everything is up in the air and i cannot control much of it. but i know for SURE that i need to move as soon as i can. i don’t know what to do at this point. i want to start a gofundme, but i hate asking for money like this. i want to talk with extended relatives, but good lord i can only imagine how that would play out. im contemplating moving out to arizona. i could live with my aunt and uncle and pay rent, but that still isn’t moving out. is it? i just have to leave. im desperate now.

so very, very desperate

#i can't talk about this any longer #haile talks #abuse mention /

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survivorgalaxysedge · 3 years

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Episode 5 | Forgive Me Cowtown For I Have Sinned - Ari

ohhhhh i found something JUICY tonight!!! so yesterday the hosts got tired of me constantly asking how many fuel i have and gave me the command to view it, and i knew i was outta points so i was like ok cool we'll check it out tomorrow. TURNS OUT the scorekeeper bot shows you not just your personal points.... but the points of everyone in the game.... and WHOM is number two on that list with 36 entire points? that's right. my best friend keegan. my first thought was wtf ew how did he already recover from my sabotage, i feel zero percent guilty about doing that now! and then my second thought was WAIT...... this is PERFECT. so you can bet i ran right to all three of my allies to be like "hey omg i found something shady :0 didn't keegan say all his fuel got blown up the other day? well i pulled some receipts and it turns out he still has all of it! why would he lie about that??? so sus!" and now i'm laughing because there could not be a more perfect excuse to get him gone!!! i'm not gonna push it any more than that right now - for all i know, we'll prob win the next challenge again - but i've tucked the ammo away in my pocket, planted the ari seed in jonathan and zoe's heads, and i'll let it sit pretty there until i need it. also, i ended up telling ali what i did to keegan simply because he is 100% not going against me and i needed someone to tell me i'm funny, so i also let him know about this plan o mine and that we could use this against sir keegan, which he's so down for. god. i cannot wait to tell mj about all this shit.

Jacob being voted out of NuTrian is the second best thing that could have happened. Preferably Nathan but my OG Andro and Jessie are safe so that’s very good. Now we’ve got a Guess Who challenge which is okay. I don’t care if we get first or second, I just really really don’t want to get last. Let’s keep the good vibes going and be safe for a fifth straight tribal council. Ali told me he scored 11 points, I scored 10. I hope Zoe can whip out her survivor magic with a score of 8 or 9. And then hopefully Jonathan can pull out a good score as well. Nathan and Zach have both scored 12 on this challenge before, so I can only hope they keep up with that and score high again. Gotta make sure those other tribes flop. I’m still incredibly uncertain about how to play this steal a player advantage. It’s possible we ride this 3 tribe split all the way to merge. My guess is merge at 11 or 10. That would be quite a few tribals to go without another swap but it’s certainly possible. Though I could absolutely see a swap now at 12. Two tribes of six, and then merge at 10. A final 3 with 7 jurors perhaps? Either way, I think I’ll hold on to this advantage until it seems likely that I’ll need it. No sense in causing some chaos if it isn’t necessary.

ok so i'm doing well in challenges rn, as best as i can at least, and i feel like that's the only thing keeping me alive bc.... nobody talks to me. i feel like i'm starting every one on one conversation and desperately trying to keep it alive and not be left on read. idk if they're like this with each other or if its just me but !!!!!! it doesnt make me feel good abt potentially losing a challenge. so i will just keep carrying my weight and keeping my cute little head down and pray im just being paranoid<3

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WELL We lost the immunity challenge which is the first loss after four straight immunity wins. That was a nice little break while it lasted. The obvious choice right off the bat is to vote for Ali. Keeps the OG Andro tribe fully intact, and avoids the most possible drama. However, I worry he might have found the Circi idol from his original tribe. Plus whatever advantage he may have gotten from the first challenge of the season. So the alternate thought is to maybe vote for Jonathan or Zoe. I adore Ari would not want to vote them out. It's tempting to throw a vote on one of them in the event of Ali playing an idol, just to keep myself safe. But if Ali doesn't have an idol, that could cause a whole world of issues. On the flip side, I wouldn't be entirely surprised if some or any of my tribe mates decided to throw my name under the bus. I haven't been the most social person and while I have definitely pulled my weight in the challenges, I could see them having their own little group that's willing to throw my under the bus and make things as painless as possible for the rest of them, especially considering they've all said they like Ali a lot. Ahhh this is all so much worse considering I have the hidden immunity idol. I don't want to waste it, but I also don't want to pull a Kellee Kim and go home with it in my pocket.

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it's kind of ridiculous how well this is all going???? why havent they voted me out yet i am running this shit -talked to ali, told him he's gonna be fine we just need to get people to vote for keegan -talked to jonathan, convinced him keegan is the most logical vote "because he's shady" and because it also means we can vote ali easily next time (versus going down to andro 4 and having it get much more messy) -jonathan was like "should we tell ali right before the vote?" and i was like i think you should call him and see where his head is at and we can go from there, jonathan said ok good point, if he says he wants to vote keegan and he also tells you that without any prompting from either of us we know he's real about it -yeeted myself into ali's dms the very second jonathan hung up like OK LISTEN HERE IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY WHEN HE CALLS YOU, HE CANT KNOW I TOLD YOU ANY OF THIS -ali called me half an hour later like "omg we had such a good talk i love jonathan now deadass, i told him exactly what you said to say and he's so down" -presumably in the morning jonathan will call me and say "wow had a great talk with ali he seems cool and great and he said he'd vote keegan, what did he tell you?" and i can say "yeah same he mentioned keegan so i think we're good!" and jonathan will feel like we Did This Together and ali will feel like i Did This For Him and everyone will be in love with me -all i have to do tomorrow is make sure zoe is on board & that she doesn't feel pushed, and prob call keegan and make him some vague promises about working together long term, and then cross my fingers that i don't get blindsided during my editorial meeting at 9pm est i am having so much fun

i just keep thinking about how funny it’s gonna be when we get to merge and mj tells me to vote out all these people i’ve been making f2s with and i’ll be like “okay!!!!<3”

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Not to go back to INV this round, but not much has been going on. I've been keeping up socializing but since we're not going to tribal it's been more quiet than it has been last round. I'm really glad we won though bc I feel vulnerable if we go to tribal again. Cindi seems close to Nathan, and Nathan and Jessie seem closer to each other than they will be to me so I'm worried I'd be an easy vote. So I'm really hoping for a swap or merge tonight, or at least a challenge we can excel in. Don't want it to come down to one point again.

^_^ Okay, so no important updates with this tribe! It's freaking QUIET. I haven't talked to Zach or Silver at ALL since being with this tribe. I've talked to Jules a lot and Asya some, though. I'd like to work with the two of them if possible and if we ever go to tribal here, which I don't want to do because uhhh it's worrisome! Anyway, the only actual update I have is that I found the legacy advantage!!! Randomly at like 2AM I found it. I don't remember what I was doing exactly... I think I just went to watch the Circi round 3 tribal and then the Trian round 4 tribal... and then I think I went to watch the Tribe Swap video to see if there was some sort of announcement made regarded the Oxygen Tank amounts because I was confused why that number was changed more than double. I guess I was also thinking that since the hosts didn't make an announcement that the adventure was resetting at the swap then MAYBE there would be a new twist/advantage inserted elsewhere for this next phase of the game? Now, being the crackhead that I am, of course back on original tribes, I SEARCHED everywhere on the blog that I could think of. Extenders URLs, the source code, hidden hyperlinks - everything. Nothing was there. But in this case, my brain said, hmm, let's just scroll down and see if there's anything in the description of the Tribe Swap Youtube video...and... there was!! I didn't really know what it was at first but when I opened it everything CLICKED! Finally the Reem Cameo from launch night serving a bigger purpose made total sense. After seeing this link in the description though and realizing it was calling back to something we were told about night one, I went back and checked to see if this had been hidden all along, and of course it's literally in the description of the Cast Reveal video!!! and every other video after that!!! Keeping in mind that I found this 11 days into the game, I was like, oh there's definitely some nerd that found this instantly on night 1 so I'm probably just gonna get a message saying nothing here or something like that. Obviously that wasn't the case though. I think nobody found this because I lot of people operate via mobile in these, and Youtube descriptions require an addition click to reveal what's there. Alternatively, for desktop users, who the hell is scrolling down for any reason while you're watching videos from your ORG?? It's nothing something anyone does naturally. So that explains that. Anyway, I'm happy I found it even though it has absolutely no use until Day 39. I will say though that having this and knowing that, it has really motivated me to get to the end of this game. Coincidentally, HOURS before I found this, I had a conversation with Jules about how quiet this tribe has been and that I'd like to start working towards bettering our positions moving forward seeing as there are people here with more/stronger connections than either of us. I just love that I found an advantage that motivates me to start playing this game, exactly how I'd voiced to Jules about feeling a desire to start doing SOMETHING. We love a live narrative!!!! Anyway, I'm not gonna tell Jules about the legacy advantage because it's an advantage that incentivizes people to vote out the owner and have it passed on. I trust Jules, we go YEARS back and have to successful runs as allies under our belts, but this is just something I'd like to keep to myself. Earlier today I also decided that I'm probably never gonna tell Ari about it either if our paths ever (hopefully) cross in this game. I wanna surprise my bestie! At any rate, Jules did tell me that Zach and Asya seem like the type of players that only play on tribal days (at least in this case of this game) which is fine, but I've played a few super intense, intimate, and high-stakes ORGs in the past couple of years which has made me prioritize personal relationships with people over barebones game relationships. This makes dealing with people who aren't that interested in getting to know me or revealing themselves to me a SUPER off-putting experience and a drastic change of pace from what I've become accustomed to. But I'm totally capable of adapting to this environment... I just don't necessarily prefer it. I feel like I have room to connect with Asya on a personal level if given the chance. Zach and Silver I don't know. Although, I do think that if we ever lose immunity here I could for sure spit some game to Silver that would make him believe I want to work with him. I already have an idea of how that conversation goes, and the potential negative consequence of it is practically non-existent on this swap tribe, whereas it could have backfired on me if original Trian lost that third challenge. Anyway, I'll get into that whenever we lose or if I get bored and initiate that chat just to feel something lol

No tribal ever again until merge or swap please. Jessie would be the one I'd want out and I assume Jay would as well but she has Nathan's shard so, like, he'd lose that and then I lose my hope of getting both their shards and misplaying my first idol because I'm not good at survivor

Yayyyy we won immunity. Idk what much else to say except that I got 40 fuel tanks

today i am mad and sad. lost the challenge, was my fault bc purple not pink. no i will not elaborate. now ari jonathan and i have decided to save ali and vote out keegan. i hope it goes well. i am filled with anxiety. i don’t even want keegan to go, we just have to make the decision based on the fact that we don’t want to be seen as a tight alliance going into merge, and keegan can make it look like there was a crack therefore not making us look strong. but he is just sacrificial unfortunately. but we’ll see how it goes. i’m still anxious

Wow we won what a concept See what happens when we don’t throw comps ? Anyways yeah that’s it I guess lol

Honestly I I'm done with these hoes I'm ready to vote off Keegan

This is definitely a very stressful and emotional tribal. I hate that we’re voting for Ali because he is a genuinely fantastic person and under different circumstances I think we could have worked really well together in this game. But when there’s a 4-1 tribe swap and the four of us have absolutely no beef with each other, there’s not a whole lot that can be done. None of my other 3 OG Andro players come across as big move players either. So unless I’m being straight up lied to and am about to get completely blindsided, it’s looking like a unanimous Ali boot. Which is incredibly sad. I really wanted us to win out until merge so we wouldn’t have to vote him out. But such is the game. Keegan signing off (hopefully not for the last time)

#toinfinityandsurvive

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survivor-kuwait · 5 years

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Episode 16 - “Debbie was right. Never trust a god damn redhead” - Owen

That tribal actually went better than I could have ever expected, even with Owen staying. Owen definitely only had it set up to play his idol if an idol was played on Cullan, two idols burnt and one was def wasted by Cullan so now he doesn't have it to use later in the game if/when it inevitably comes time to start making hard decisions. That play also drives Maynor/Timmy/Chips a little closer to me in that 6 person alliance which I absolutely need. KAIT IS GONE!!!!! Every round, every day she was buttering me up as jury management, I knew it, she knew it. That is absolutely annoying, makes me want someone to win even less. The reason I wanted Owen first was for the simple fact Kait would be more likely to try to work with me than Owen if she knew she was on the bottom. Oh well, pretty good tribal for me all in all, everything turned up Ian.

Debbie was right. Never trust a god damn redhead. Me: omg Maynor so cute love my showmance Me: omg Timmy and I putting our shit in the past love him Maynor and Timmy: rihanna.winking.gif In a way I deserve it. I made myself heard these last few votes with pulling together alliances at merge and going after Devon and Ian and even the Venus thing. And I accidentally revealed in the chat that Kait found my idol. It made sense for them to take a shot, although not sure why me and not Kait and matt who are more likeable and powerful lmao Now I’m just like.... okay Devon and Ian got what they wanted which is gross? Timmy and Maynor gonna try to sell this as their move but as far as I’m concerned Devon and Ian own it. I’m sure they capitalized on touchy subjects to make me strong and them weak. Moving forward I just hope that now that Kait is gone there are bigger fish to fry.... I’m gonna get drunk and then deal with this tomorrow lmao Two rounds ago I was stressed choosing between my two closest allies. Now both of them are gone and I’m fucked 😂

I’m shocked Owen knew to play his idol...I need to figure out how that happened. I am happy Kait left in the end though because that’s who I even said in the Ridiculous 6 chat but others wanted Owen and I didn’t feel like pushing too much because either going was fine to me. But 7-3 in the revote was spicy, I think it was Matt that flipped just to be in the majority for his piece of mind. Still don’t really trust him anymore because he’s a liar, but it is what it is. Should be interesting tomorrow when people have more time to talk.

I guess i’ll make one before going to bed cuz Johnny asked. So this challenge was cute. The fishes though were very douchey. Tbh when Timmy told me Ian had 19 million when I had 9 million, I was like Im not winning. I also thought Cullan was going to beast this challenge and get like 100 million. I was shook to find out that I won. And I won the final 9 immunity which means I beat my Guyana placement which is amazing. Im so happy. Now I just need to get further in this game. But first need to see who will be voted out at tribal tomorrow night. No names have been said yet. More updates tomorrow, i promise.

If Cullan's amateur hour costs me MY game for me.... then I guess I deserve it, alliance management is kind of my whole thing in these games. I try to make everyone I'm allied with to feel like I want to go to the top with them. I can fix this, I have too. Why the hell would you tell someone that 4 people already want to vote one way? Quit getting ahead of yourself, think of the future but focus on the round at hand. Single digits is a slow burn and every fucking step has to be precise. If I can manage to keep the "alliance" together Cullan just solidified why I want to sit with him in the end, he won't win.

So I’m still recovering from the real life hangover and survivor hangover of losing Kait and having my little alliance blown into smithereens. I still do trust Maynor and Madison moving forward but I definitely feel there’s less room to hide. All I can really do at this moment is kind of get on board with voting Owen, which btw I wanted to do anyway eventually hehe. Not having kait makes me nervous but I definitely feel less tethered and more free to make moves moving forward and I hope one of them involved actually getting cullans ass out smh I’m telling you he’s gonna win.

Odd day, not really sure what to do. I feel like doing Owen is predictable so I am exploring some options today. I am trying to see what is best for me going forward. I think Owen Madison and Matt all have the jury votes at this point so getting them out may be good. But long term is that what is best for me, I don’t know.

I feel lost...like I know what both sides are doing but being in the middle has its drawbacks knowing that maynor and i are on the bottom of both sides then which sucks. I think the best move tonight is to get rid of Owen but who knows what implications that will end up having. Will be interesting.

I had a dream I made a rlly funny confessional and then I woke up to find literally nobody has messaged me back except for Devon who is talking about god knows what I’m literally miserable without Kait. I thought that Maynor and Timmy would easily flip back to us and vote with me matt madison to break up the Devon Cullan Ian thing. But Maynor didn’t answer me all day and madison barely is. Timmy said ‘what moves are to be made’ ???? Matt at least came and told me Cullan said it was me and then told me Maynor and madison are in and they’re talking to timmy. Why are they talking to matt but not me??? It’s fucked up And then I yelled st Cullan and asked if he was just gonna let Devon and Ian drag him to the end and beat him and he was like ‘well I’ll vote them if there’s numbers’ lmao. Bitch idek god I’m tired of him asking me what the vote is all the time like GSKSHDB WHY DO U THINK I HAVE ANY CONTROL THIS ROUND I’m Absolutely about to lose my mind. I’m surprised it’s taken this long for me to snap but I legitimately can’t stand omg. Like I don’t even bother messaging chips or Ian lmao I don’t have anything to talk to them about I wish I could’ve won immunity. If I somehow stay tonight I need to figure something out

I think Owen is gonna get voted out and if that happens I’m done! But let’s pray chips is going bye bye.

I’m absolutely pissed at Madison and Maynor. Why aren’t they fucking talking to me when they’re apparently telling matt they’ll do stuff???? What the fuck!? Matt is telling me Devon will apparently vote chips. Okay....? Like what do you want me to do or say? You have all the information rn because nobody will message me. I asked Matt if he thought we should still vote Ian and then if Devon rlly votes chips it would be 4-4-1 and I can use my tiebreaker. Matt was like ‘who would they vote I don’t want to make it too complicated’ I DONT KNOW WHO THEYD VOTE UR THE ONE TALKING TO THEM. I appreciate him trying to save me but it’s frustrayinf because I have no stability rn when they just ugh’nnn idk. Why hasn’t he made a group or some shit

The vote tonight is going to be Owen, most likely. But Matt Madison and Owen wants to do Chips. I dont know if thats a good move. Its better to have Owen gone since he is a huge threat in the game. I just feel bad about voting for him again.

Alright, so here's a hot take of what's been going on with me and this game. Last round the goal was to vote out Owen because he's the biggest threat in a group of four that has been conspiring to control the game - the group is Owen, Kait, Madison, and Matt. The way I see the group breaking down is basically, Owen+Madison and Kait+Matt with each duo having a strong link between the four. A group of six formed to counter these four called the "Ridiculous Six" formed by Devon. It is my understanding that Devon was a "pawn" of the four before defecting after they tried to strike at Ian during the duos vote off. Since he felt "used" he defected and wanted to keep the four from keeping control in creating the group.

The four had control of two hangers-on in the form of Timmy and Maynor that they were using for two extra votes. Since they would potentially have the numbers if those two were to vote with them they let loose a "plan" to vote out Devon when in reality telling those two that they would be voting Cullan in case of telegraphing to Devon to play his idol - Cullan actually had an idol and played it and I think it prompted Owen in playing his. To be honest, I think that Owen sent to his tribe chat that he would play his idol IF Cullan had an idol played on him or played one himself. So no votes counted and then we just went with our second choice in Kait to vote out of the game. She left.

So the round following the vote seems pretty obvious to me, we need to try and vote out Owen. The group is scared to actually follow through on the vote because they think he will play an idol. I mean, if he does it's another idol burned and makes the vote easier. I know that that means we lose somebody but I dunno, if it were me getting voted out because of it I wouldn't be too pressed getting idoled out. Anyway, Cullan kinda let me know that there's a "secret" other plan to vote out Madison instead since she has a good social game, which I haven't seen. And also Matt is telling people to vote me instead to try and force a tie so that Owen can use his ACTUAL power that we know he has... I dunno man, if we end up voting out Madison instead (because they don't vote Owen) then I might be more flexible in what I do because Owen did that. And if I end up going then woohoo! That makes me 3/3 with getting ninth in a season in a row.

Looks like Devon and I are the middle know. Apparently he wants to get rid of Chips cuz of this hero arc?!?!? Interesting so need to know how he is voting. This is somewhat getting messy between Chips and Owen. Im glad I have immunity.

Ok this vote is SAUCY SAUCY SAUCY! The vote started with me wanting to target Madison as she is a social threat and has connections to maynor who would flip to their side (he already has). Chips became concerned that he wasn't being looped in on the vote so we decided to continue the push towards owen. Matt, madison, and maynor all agreed to vote for Owen but in reality they are voting for chips as that's the most viable option than can convince us to do as he is a "goat". He's a good ally so no way in hell am I voting him out. If owen and the gang survive this vote, they have majority and there will be a clear pecking order especially considering the fact he has a tiebreaker advantage. I feel confident in the five we have to vote for owen

i think im leaving this is all just bad devon apparantly wants chips and it wasd too much to try this forcing a tie shit so now we're just goin with chips which hopefully is enough but someone told cullan it was chips???? lmao so thats fun and i tried convincing cullan to do it but idk this whole thing is kinda fucked up soooo bye bye

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i wouldnt be so sad about this if kait were still here but there are literally so many personality-less people left in this game and if they get to the end ill literally die. madison and matt rlly about to be all i have left ro root for this is absolutely TRAGIC. imagine the first boot coming back into the game and getting dragged to the end as a goat fksadjfhjf GOD im so sad rn :((((((((((((((((((((((((((99 I WANTED TO DO SOMETHIN ICONIC IN THIS GAME BUT ALL I DID WAS FORGET TO TALK TO PEOPLE AND COMPLAIN at least ill prob win hq words

#survivorstarzone #episodes

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formerlymarigold · 7 years

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Marigold Reacts

hello and welcome to Marigold Reacts. 1000-word drabbles based on my reactions to scenes/stories i’ve read. mostly inspired by @darkhawkflying’s work on AO3. in fact, almost entirely inspired by that.

the following is a moment that popped into my head after reading Ch.13 of From the Darkness We Come. some SPOILERS for those who haven’t read it yet! all of this mutated out of control when the words, “i’ma kill ‘im!!” sprung to mind ... so ... yeah.

all you need to know is Harold is my anthropomorphic-goose-servant.

now, on with the nonsense!

HARD NO

They laughed and chatted as they climbed out the van and made their way up the drive. It had been another long day of shooting From the Darkness We Come. Successful though; nobody was coming home sore or injured (well, except Ross who was still recovering from an incident with a window and not actually sugar-glass that didn't break when it was supposed to; the bruise on his shoulder still nasty and practically black).

Harold greeted them as they entered the foyer, taking their coats and scarves. Demelza and Elizabeth immediately retreated to their rooms for a much talked-about soak; something Jim would have done had the girls not been so quick to choose the two bedrooms with en-suite bathrooms, both housing the largest, most luxurious tubs a person could wish for. That's what you get when you're late arriving to the rental because your boyfriend decides it's a fantastic time to have sex in the men's after a six-hour flight and a botched attempt at joining the Mile High Club.

Harold: (ᵕ ▽ ᵕ) – "Sirs," His tone was dry and expression that of resigned exasperation as it always was in regards to Marigold who – hang on – … was usually there to welcome them … so this was … suspicious.

Ross: "Harold, where's – " But as he went to say more words, Francis walked through the door and suddenly there was a loud, earth-shattering, WHAMP. "What the hell!?"

They whipped around to see Francis unconscious and face-down on the floor. Standing above him was Marigold … wielding an oversized mallet and the fiercest look any of them had ever seen on her.

Marigold: (╬⓪益⓪) – "surprise motherfucker" she growled to the unresponsive lump that was Francis and then grit out, "that is a hard no!" as if scolding a child who tried to sneak a cookie before supper.

Ross: ((((；゜Д゜))) – "Mari, what the fuck!?"

But she was already gone, muttering and gesturing angrily as she stomped down the hall, a dark shadow looming over her.

Jim and Ross continued to stare at poor Francis – Ross nudging him with his toe in an effort to wake him – and tried to figure out what the fuck Marigold was so pissed ab –

– oooh.

The tragedy that was Francis and Elizabeth came to a head in the episode which aired the evening before. She'd likely recorded it to watch (uninterrupted by the running commentary they gave when home and able to watch with her) that morning after they'd left to set. To say it had been brutal would be an understatement.

Jim: "I sometimes wonder if she remembers we're acting."

His brow furrowed as he watched Harold deliver a bottle of whiskey to the room Marigold had stomped off to. The dark shadow seemed to spill out when the door was opened, vanishing again when Harold closed it behind him.

Ross continued to nudge Francis but the man remained still.

Francis: ((( +д+)

Jim: "I would hate to see what happens when she finds out you're scripted to get shot. Again."

Ross' head shot up, a look of panic on his face.

Promises were made during Land and Sea when Ross had received a pretty severe wound to the leg after refusing to let the stunties do their job (I'm perfectly capable of doing this myself! were his last words, ever …). Still, he'd opted to try and do his own stunts again this time 'round seeing as FtDWC didn't call for the same kind of violent pyrotechnics or fancy gymnastics Land and Sea had. Looking at it now, thaaat probably wasn't the smartest idea.

Ross: "Oh Christ."

Jim: "I don't think even he can save you … "

Francis finally stirred, bleary-eyed and unsteady, and pushed himself up on his elbows. "What happened?"

Jim opened his mouth to explain but the boom-crack of a door being blown from its hinges erupted from where Marigold had holed herself away, the woman charging down the hall and back to Francis, whacking him into unconsciousness once more. She leaned over him, finger jabbing the air as she barked out a command as one would to a dog that chewed up a new pair of slippers.

Marigold: (╬ﾟ◥益◤ﾟ) – "NO."

Ross: "We are absolutely not telling her about what happens to me, are we clear?" He whispered, watching Marigold tromp away again.

Jim: (ʘᗩʘ’) – he could only nod frantically in response.

#writing #mywriting #drabble #Marigold Reacts #darkhawk #Ross Poldark #Jim Hawkins #Francis Poldark #1000 words #or less ...#AO3 #mytrexhasfleas #From the Darkness We Come

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Kevin Cage of @spotlightsaga reviews... F is For Family (S02E04) Night Shift Airdate: May 30, 2017 @Netflix @GaumontTV Ratings: Privatized @BillBurr @mikepriceinla Score: 8.75/10 @FYeahBill @FIFFNetflix TVTime/FB/Twitter/IG/Tumblr/Path/Pin: @SpotlightSaga **********SPOILERS BELOW********** 'Is my house clean?' No seriously, I'm gonna look up and you take a look in. I need to know... Can't go trouncing about town, especially the notorious 'Cocaine Cowboy City' of Miami with powder around the edges of my nostrils. I wouldn't think anyone, in any decade of existence, would want an onlooker seeing them trading coke for anything right out in the open... Whether that's in a record store, yes they still exist & I'm sure they would love a visit, or a street corner... I'd suggest visiting the record store over the street corner. Just as walking, talking, 'Teenage Turmoil', 'Trepidation Tornado' (Yeah, I'm also a sucker for wordplay), Kevin Murphy (Justin Long) is looking to make it big in what he sees as almost a dream world of sorts as a bonafide rockstar, he spots his well connected, high rolling neighbor, who is very much a part of that dream world, bribing an aggressively apprehensive DJ to play a pop record with a picture of a 'Teen Heartthrob' holding an adorable puppy on the front... But hey this is where they are in their lives. Pretty sure I've been lower. Vic (Sam Rockwell), along with the rest of the cast, has so much more room to breathe now that the series has been extended from 6-Episodes to the nicely rounded off number of 10 entries for S2. However, this means that Vic can no longer simply be that hurricane of a character, representing the perfect storm of carefree 1970's hedonism and indulgence. Suddenly, there are consequences for his actions and we are peaking into a long, dark tunnel where Vic is on the verge of an 'existential crisis'. No, there are no immediate repercussions for any of Vic's self destructive behaviors quite yet anyway, but the forlorn fates are written all over his face. Right now he's much closer to what we would refer to the point of 'existential dread' than we would call a full blown 'existential crisis'. The writers are smart though, they're giving you a peak of his cards without letting you see his full hand and that will surely create a helluva payoff when it it's finally time to pay the piper. That's a stark difference from a character that was once a quick, in & out, 2-D slice of animated comic relief. When it comes to television, cinema, film, real life, whatever... 'Existential' and 'Crisis' are literally my two favorite words in the English language, not only because they are so beautiful when paired together, but more so the fact that it's one thing Im actually good at. I know that's a really weird thing to be proud of, excited to dive into, or even claim to be 'good at'... But with all the LSD & DMT I've consumed in my life, I believe I've had more self-induced existential crisis and egodeath(s) than most of the worlds population. It's not just hallucinogenics and weird dissociatives, or even a finely tuned education in psychology & sociology that have made me an expert and lover of all things 'existential', it's also real life experience in all things crisis... Inner, outer, dramatic, and otherwise... I've always been dramatic, I got it from my mother, and her adoptive Mother... They are whatever is slightly above the 'every southern woman' version of Bette Davis & Joan Crawford. Everything is a spectacle, darling. Anxiety attacks are full on broadway performances, complete with Tony Awards, a nice Southern 'Wink', and a long list of 'Thank You's at the end... Oh and trips to the mall that start out sweet & fruitful and end in sheer terror. My Step-Father is more like the American Cherokee version of a cross between Tim Allen & Jim Gaffigan, if that makes sense. He has a traditional, signature style of humor that is both clean & observational and masculine & sometimes surprisingly crass, mainly due to his dual nature and long hard road from the cesspool of a nasty rock bottom to the heights of being a pillar of his community. There was a time in my life where these attributes all made me angry, just like Kevin. At that rebellious teenage age, if someone says go, you stop and if they say stop, you go. If a parental figure or an adult influence that we look up to makes a mistake, as a young adult many times we hold them to it unfairly... As if they're supposed to be perfect because they are the adult. As kids, we want to meet them halfway with unrealistic expectations. Essentially that's because adults meet their children and particularly teenagers with unrealistic expectations, themselves. Can't expect a toddler not to touch a hot stove, can't expect a little kid not to pick their nose (or worse), can't expect a teenager not to do usual teenager stuff, and we can't expect our parents to always remember all of that in times of stress. Looking back now (and let's hope Kevin moves forward to this place soon), I know that I learned the most from watching my parents make mistakes and subsequently finding a way to fix it, by any means necessary. Kevin is already sick over his issues with his dad, so he's practically ready to give up when he sees Vic forking over line after line until DJ Howlin' Hank (Josh Adam Meyers) would say he loves any record Vic gave him to play (yes, that includes records with vinyl covers that feature kids holding puppies that look like they "fell out of Donnie Osmond's pussy"). When one reaches the epiphany that hard work, talent, and actually being cool isn't what gets them to top, a breakdown of some sort is to be expected. Personally I've had this specific epiphany more than once (complete with influential dramatic Hollywood Breakdown), so a nice soul searching, ego shattering session of smoking weed (or simply insert alternative mind expansion drug here) his friends refer to as 'Oregon Gold dipped in Columbia River Salmon Piss' out of a baby doll made into a pipe is just what Kevin needs to push him to a point where he's ready to face this new, harsher, cruel world to get their band's ultimate goal achieved... Being played on the radio, preferably by DJ Howlin' Hank... Because, you know, at least they are 100% sure what it takes to make 'Hank Howl' (thanks, Vic)! So off the clueless teenage trio goes to score some blow. This should be good. Kevin has currently written off his father, Frank (Bill Burr), for his inability to accept a certain kind of defeat... Or better yet, I should say... Face his humility for a greater good and 'bite the bullet' at the unemployment office. He sees his father's stubborn pride as a weakness, when really like any human attribute, it's technically both a positive and a negative. The fact that Frank is lying to Sue (Laura Dern) about it, makes it all 100x worse, though... Creating a mountain blocking any possible view to see the silver lining. Frank taking a humiliating, lower paid job, just to avoid a handout is silly and ultimately a bit insane, but at least Frank is trying to do something instead of curling up into a corner & folding. Still, the whole ironic arrangement is not lost on us. Don't think for a moment that we won't be on the lookout for bumper stickers being sold at 'Hot Topic or 'Urban Outfitters' that say "Ask me about my Loser Husband's shit job!" Frank's insecurities and paranoia are officially at an all time high. His new boss Smoky (Michael Kenneth Williams) shows Frank the restrictive ropes of the world of vending machines, its many perks, and how to "Shove it. Slam it. Twist the lock. Stick the key inside your sock." Why can't the key just be on the key ring? Simple. "Because the rhyme came first, system came later." Frank is killing it, but an accident with the lock on the back door (see how important those rhymes are), ends up with the bag of change they've been collecting falling out of the back of the truck and finding it's way all over the dirty urban street. Frank goes into survival mode, scouring the street like a hardworking crackhead to recover the change. As this is happening, Kevin is out looking to score $10 worth of coke in the same seedy downtown neighborhood. Last time I checked $10 won't get you a bag of coke, and I live in a city where cocaine is easier to get than the attention of a bartender, and cheaper to get than a simple single liquor cocktail. These three young clowns mistake a pimp for a drug dealer and one of the funniest scenes of the series commences when the 'white' they are all so ready to score turns out to be an obese, Caucasian, $10 prostitute that has difficulties keeping one of her titties inside of her blouse. As the trio scrambles to escape the low rent hooker who offers to 'fuck them all if they have a sandwich bag', they end up passing Frank digging for nickels on the side of the street. Ok, ok... This is obviously the worst possible scenario for Kevin, but his frustrations lead him to march into the radio station with his band's demo tape in hand, demanding to be heard. Fuck the system, right? Everything might be going to shit for the characters in the Netflix Original 'F is For Family', but when you are down on your luck and you don't even know why you're stuck in a meaningless, chaotic existence... Suddenly an existential crisis becomes your best friend. Frank's embarrassing dedication to picking up the change in the street leads him to secure the job of no one's dreams, Sue has a sudden idea for a product invention when going through the mundane process of drying out her lettuce while making dinner salads, and Kevin's frustration & desperation pay off after the boys tune in to hear Vic use a two syllable taste of their song to introduce the weather segment. To three young boys with a pipe dream that's like the equivalent of being featured on MTV's 'Total Request Live' in 1999. Recently I've watched a friend go through a horrible incident and face their mortality. Suddenly that person is trapped in an existential nightmare... 'What's any of this worth if it really doesn't lead to anything, if we are all biding our time on this earth until the Grim Reaper comes-a-knocking anyway?' And that's just the base of it. We've all got our existential and emotional baggage to deal with, but it's the unexpected moments when you're at your lowest point that suddenly remind us that even tho we might all just be going through the motions and repeating history over and over, sudden sparks of light can suddenly reignite your passion for life... Its as all as easy as that, or as difficult as that, whichever way you want to look at it. Like Frank said in the beginning of FIFF's 'Night Shift', "I woulda killed myself, but I don't want to haunt my own house." **********Written By: Kevin Cage********** Special Thx: TVTime, Bill Burr, Michael Price, Jerry Wilson, Kat Holiday, Chad Rigsby... Dedicated to: Denver G. Pratt http:://www.tvtime.com http://www.spotlightsaga.com http://www.facebook.com/SpotlightSaga http://www.facebook.com/groups/ArtsEntertainment

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