#the last time I was able to stream so nicely was because my parents were on vacation for their wedding anniversary in a cabin in the woods!

[calebs-hangout-corner]

are you going to do a translation stream again?

Definitely! It was major fun! I've just been a little stressed lately with a lot of life changes happening at once rn. Once I move into my new place and finally start Uni all of that should settle though, then I can stream whenever I please without restrictions!

#at the moment the only time I have to myself is in the middle of the night and I can't stream at night with my parents in the house #I am pretty loud even if it doesn't seem that way #whenever I'm in a call with someone at night I try to be super quiet which makes me sound just very disinterested #and that wouldn't make for a good streaming voice #the last time I was able to stream so nicely was because my parents were on vacation for their wedding anniversary in a cabin in the woods! #a treehouse actually #they're both very outdoorsy people so that suited them very very nicely! #they showed me so many pictures of birds and trees

[w1ldthoughts]

The Forgotten One Chapter Two:

Love on the Brain

Series Masterlist

Warnings: Description of injuries, medical procedures and a slight mention of an experience with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

A/n: This story will be emotional and reference a lengthy healing journey. I did do research on the medical side of things but some things needed to be tweaked for fictional and entertainment purposes.

Three days after the accident is when he saw you for the first time. Clay and his dad helped him out of bed and his mom wheeled him next door to your room. Both of your parents were there, standing up to give him a hug and asking how he was feeling, like everyone had been doing every hour since he woke up.

“Have they come in to give you any updates?” He asks immediately when they stepped aside, allowing him to see you. The sight in front of him almost rendered him physically sick. Although you were no longer intubated or on the ventilator and you were breathing on your own, you still hadn’t woken up. A fat purple bruise surrounded your left eye and another one called the upper part of your right arm its home. “Why is her leg propped up?” Jack croaks out, not daring to take his eyes off of you.

The doctor comes in before anyone else in the room can answer. “It’s nice to see you out and about Mr. Harlow. Miss [your last name] is recovering from an endovascular embolization. She had a subarachnoid hemorrhage that was very small and we were able to make an incision in the groin to access an artery and thread it through to the desired area. The entire procedure only took about 25 minutes and we were able to successfully close the blood vessels and stop the bleeding.”

“Now, we just wait and see. Her brain and body have had time to rest and recover so when she wakes up, which we are hoping will be sometime in the next few days, that’s when we’ll know the severity of the injury.”

Five days after the accident, Jack was discharged from the hospital and was forced to go home and shower. The house was eerily silent as he left Clay and Urban downstairs so he could get ready and grab his stuff. He closed his eyes, battling to settle his breathing as he stood under the water. There were flashes of that night, the feeling of his body being violently jerked around from side to side, the sheer feeling of horror at his inability to control the situation. Even though he knew it was irrational, he blamed himself. And he found himself trembling, letting the tears flow freely as he steadied his shivering body by placing his hands on the wall in the midst of the hot stream beating down his back.

He didn’t want to do any of this without you and he was deathly afraid that he might have to.

“Do you remember when we first met?” He asks you, holding one of your hands in both of his, after your family had given him some time alone. The doctors had encouraged people to come in and speak with you, both for your sake and theirs. Jack was ready to take any opportunity he could to connect with you, from wherever you currently were. “I definitely remember the first time I saw you. The new HR Executive fresh out of school, playing babysitter to the head of the division, bringing him his favorite gummy bears and getting his coffee and other useless shit.”

Six years earlier…

You were really starting to hate your dream job. Both you and Cleo, your new best friend as a result of your shared trauma, were hired as assistant human resource officers for the head of the HR department Grant Young. The two of you affectionately called him “cabbage patch” because his features reminded you of a Cabbage Patch Kid. When you weren’t updating company policies or making sure that employees were actually getting the benefits that were promised to them, you and Cleo were cabbage patch’s errand girls. There was less and less human resource management and more picking up dry cleaning and walking his dogs.

“It’s feeling like we’re lap dogs and not actual employees. My business degree is going to waste and I swear to God if I pick up another bag of dog poop I’m going to smear it all over that man’s desk.” Cleo cries into her peanut butter and jelly sandwich. “We are severely underpaid and working way too hard on things that are not our actual jobs y/n. I’m sick of it.”

“I’m not the biggest fan of our arrangement either but we have to pay our dues. Maybe he will realize that our talent is being wasted and it’ll—

Your phone rings, interrupting the pep talk.

“Hello? Yes Mr. Young, of course I can. I’ll be right up.”

Cleo rolls her eyes. “What does the warden want from you now?”

“Headmaster is in a meeting with the CEO and needs me to grab the summary report that he printed off. Because God forbid he come prepared to these things.” You sigh, taking one more bite if your food before making your exit. “I’ll be back.”

“Tell the CEO I said hi. I’ve seen pictures of him on billboard around the city and holy fuck he’s fine.”

Shaking your head with a small laugh, you tell her “I’ll let him know you’re single, see how that goes.”

The first thing you heard when you made your way up to the 18th floor is a booming voice.

“Do you honestly think that this is okay? You’re wasting my fucking time here, Grant.” The voice exclaims.

“Mr. Harlow you don’t understand. My aunt, she’s very sick and I’m going to need to fly home for foreseeable future to be with her.”

The voice lets out a deep, exasperated sigh. “You can have as much time as you need. And pack up your shit while you’re at it. We’re done here.”

“W—Wait,” your boss stutters, “you can’t be serious. I—I love this job and I need it. Please, just let me make it up to you when I come back, I’ll have my assistants take care of everything and—”

“Grant. You’re done here. I’ll give you an hour to clear everything out. You’re free to go, please close the door on your way out. Matter fact, I’ll walk you out.” You can hear the sound of the wheels on the chair rolling around. Mr. Young is near tears when the door is open and your ice meet these icy blue ones that immediately had you looking at the floor, the air in the hallway suddenly felt a little stuffier. He stopped you as you turn to follow your now former boss down the stairs. “Did you need something?” His voice was still tense, a subtle angry vein popping out of his neck as he took a breath.

“Um, sorry sir. I just brought the summary sheets that Mr. Young asked for.” You handed him the sheet and he gently grabbed it out of your shaky hand.

He gave a dry chuckle. “Please, call me Jack. And what should I call you, summary sheet girl?”

I’d rather call you a dickwad, you thought to yourself. “I’m y/n.” You replied dryly. “I should get going, have a great day Mr. Harlow.” Giving him a tight lipped smile, you pushed the button on the elevator, hitting your head on the wall at the thought of working for an actual demon from hell. What kind of person fires someone over taking time off for a sick family member?

“Do you remember that day in the hall? You looked at me like I was a monster. Hated me for the next year. Maybe even a little more. And then we made fun of him over dinner some time after when you found out his aunt Joan gets sick around the same time every year and it was actually code for ‘I’m going to play in a golf in Santa Monica.’” He laughed, getting a little choked up. “Y/n I—I can’t lose you. I’m not strong enough for that. Baby, you gotta wake up. You have to because—” one of his hands came up to cover his mouth as he cried.

There was no movement from you on the bed. He hoped that it would be like the movies, he’d be sobbing at your bedside and you'd open your eyes and reassure him that everything would be okay. But it didn’t happen. He sniffed and grabbed a Kleenex to wipe his nose and took a minute to collect himself.

He took hold of your hand again and held it against his cheek. “You need to wake up because I love you. I need to propose and I need to do it right so I can spend all of eternity getting on your nerves and we can ride off into the sunset together.”

“So please,” he whispers, his bottom lip quivering, “please don’t leave me.”

Eight days after the accident your hospital room could compete with any florist within a 30 mile radius. It could also double as a balloon store. Any and every visitor you had brought a gift. Urban even tried to sneak in a few edibles for you when you were awake but your boyfriend told him not to. And then Clay left the room crying because he wanted his sister back and that was another jab to your boyfriend’s chest.

He was sitting in your room with Cleo absentmindedly scrolling through the tv channels after begging your parents to go to his house and sleep in actual beds for a few hours. Everyone was running on fumes, having literally memorized every square inch of your hospital room floor so it was necessary to take a break from it for a while and get some air. Cleo stood up to rearrange the mountain of presents near the window. She dropped a box of chocolate on the floor and the two swore they saw you move at the sound. And then she saw it, your hand moved.

“Y/n? Can you hear me?” Cleo rushes out, her thoughts of organizing long gone. They waited a bit for another sign, something—anything.

And then your eyes slowly fluttered open and you gave Cleo a warm smile. Jack let out a breath of relief, sitting at the side of the bed and wiped at the fresh set of tears that made their way down his face at the sight of you.

You gave him a look of bewilderment when he sat down. “Cleo…” you whisper, “why is our boss’s boss here?”

He felt like the room was spinning and he was going to pass out. Cleo immediately pressed the call button to alert the staff while Jack got on the phone to let your family know you were awake. They had already been heading back so they arrived a few minutes later, meeting the doctors as they examined you.

Dr. Byers led your parents and Jack outside to deliver the news. Cleo stayed behind to keep you company. “Physically, she’s recovering nicely as we hoped. A bit ahead of schedule even. But she has still suffered an intense trauma to the brain and is suffering from what is most likely post traumatic amnesia where her mind is protecting her from remembering the pain of the accident. It seems to have also erased the last few years of her life.”

“Will she—is she ever going to remember everything?” Your mom asks, looking towards Jack in a way that reeked of pity. Something he’d never experienced before.

“It depends on the situation, sometimes people recover their memories all at once, or in short bursts. It could take a few months, years or not at all. You’ll just have to be patient with her.”

Meanwhile you were nursing a minor headache and a shock to the system. “Me and Jack? Together? Like…together together?” You asked with surprise lacing your tone, rubbing your temples. Maybe you should’ve just stayed asleep.

Just as Cleo was about to respond, your family came in and showered you with love as Jack stood behind them unsure of what to do. Your best friend took him downstairs to grab a coffee and take a walk.

He came back an hour later and let you know he was leaving and that he had to see you in person to let everyone at work know that you were awake and doing better. You stopped him before he could head out the door.

“Cleo told me why you’re really here. Four years Jack? We’ve been together for four fucking years? That means the last thing I remember is from five years ago.” You felt your throat closing up. “I’m so sor—”

“You better not be apologizing to me about a traumatic brain injury that you didn’t ask for.” He states with a dry laugh. “None of this is your fault, okay? None of it. And don’t worry about anything, we’ll figure it out as we go. Cleo’s here, your family is here and I’ll be here for you as well, in any capacity you’re comfortable with.”

Jack sat in the chair next to your bed and continued, “I don’t want you to think that we have to be in a relationship just because that’s what you were told. We can just take life one day at a time.”

Taglist

@killatravtramp

@jackharloww

@harlowcomehome

@middlechild404

@iknowdatsrightbih

@itsyagirljaz

@alimaythings

#jack harlow #jack harlow x reader #jack harlow imagine #jackman thomas harlow #jack harlow au

[ashleysmessyjourney]

17 Months Messing Update: I Wore a Butt Plug to Christmas Dinner

I had held a poll on my Twitter asking if I should wear a butt plug to Christmas dinner. Needless to say, the results were overwhelmingly positive. While my followers had voted that I wear a large one, the one I had selected didn’t stay in all that well when I walked so I went with my next best option: the large Doc Johnson silicone plug. Its traditional shape made it simple to wear, and as it slipped inside of me to be held for the next few hours, I gradually grew accustomed to the weight and feeling of the plug nestled in between my butt cheeks. Even though I didn’t acknowledge it at the time, I felt comforted that I wouldn’t have to deal with any messy diapers at my family dinner because the plug would protect me.

In order to ensure that I had no messy accidents at dinner, I had been careful of what I ate in the few days leading up to the event, and in the hours before the event, I cleaned myself out with a few enemas. I prefer using the bag that you hang up on something with a long hose that goes inside you because I can just use water to clean me out. There’s something comforting about letting out a stream of water into my diaper in that manner because it gently reminds me that if I manage to hold on for even a couple of minutes, my strength will eventually falter and dwindle until I have no choice but to stop holding back the flood. Feeling helpless as I give in to my body’s needs and to the safety of my diaper really gets me going, especially as a comforting warmth weighs down the back of my diaper and makes it sag.

I prayed I wouldn’t have to feel that same sensation at my family’s dinner.

Before I left for my family’s Christmas dinner, I used a lube shooter to put a lot of lube inside my butt; if I had only lubed the toy before I pushed it in, it would have felt rather dry and would feel a bit uncomfortable after a bit. This method ensures that I remain comfortable at all times. When I arrived at the house, I made sure I looked presentable, that the back of my leggings and hoodie combo wasn’t covered in baby powder, and that my diaper was ready to go. I rubbed in the tapes for what felt like the tenth time in the last thirty minutes, almost as if it was a tool to reassure myself.

My family doesn’t know that I wear diapers all the time and I would prefer to keep it that way. I’ve always worn BetterDry around them and anyone else I don’t want to be in the know because they always start off so thin and discreet and that’s what I chose to wear that day. I can’t imagine what my parents would say if they found out that I was wearing a diaper, much less that I’ve been wearing them for several years at this point. 

Even though my family doesn’t come from much, my mother always likes to throw the biggest and bestest dinners on the holidays much like her mother did and her mother before her. I offered to help, knowing that it would put me at risk, but she declined as always; I know she takes great pride in doing it all herself. Dinner was nice. Everyone had a grand time, including me. I’ve worn around my family on countless occasions; either they don’t know or they aren’t saying anything about my diapers. Frankly, either of those options are good in my book. 

I tried to sit as much as I could because it helped me hide the ever-growing poof of my diaper. The drinks flowed just like they do every holiday at my parent’s house though I kept it to a minimum knowing that if I had a few drinks, I wouldn’t be able to drive for a while and I’d be walking with a waddle in no time at all. As the night wore on, I felt my inner thighs get pushed apart, little by little until it was really obvious to me that I needed to leave or change my diaper. I wanted to play it safe so I said my goodbyes and drove home.

When I got home, I hopped into bed and played with myself in my soggy diaper, teasing myself with my vibrator as I rewarded myself for accomplishing what I set out to do. I felt so naughty wearing my pink plug around my family, talking to them normally as if I didn’t have 5 inches of silicone up my ass for hours on end.  You can add more time onto this timer by sending me books, diapers, and other gifts from my wishlist. Everything listed has a comment next to it that says how much time is added, too. Any support would be greatly appreciated!

Current ending time: April 19, 2025

Total Days Remaining as of January 6, 2023: 834 days which is 27.8 months which is also 2.28 years.

[hippiemisfit]

Hush (J.K.) 3

*banner made by me

Chapter Three- Police

pairing: jungkook x oc reader

word count: 1,591

warnings: mentions of death, intimidation, fear, manipulaiton, scary jk

-----------------------------------------------

He pulled me all the way back to my house and threw me on the ground next to the box. "Now we are going to try this again and this time you are going to do as I say. Or next time I won't be as nice."

I nodded my head and tried to grab the box. "Why did you kill him?" I asked. 

I was met with no response but I know he heard me.

Ugh whatever.

After struggling for what seemed like 30 minutes, I was finally able to lift the box with all my might. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold it for long so I sped walk over to Carter's house and sat the box on his doorsteps.

I already feeling for the poor soul who was going to open it, either his mom or dad or worse Carter. I bet their reaction would be no different than mine. 

I walked back to my house and of course the hoodie figure, I got to give him a name, was gone. I heard a car come around the corner and saw that it was Carter's. I ran inside and closed the door peeking outside the window.

I watched Carter get out the car, reach into the back to get his shoes, and head to the front door. He looked down at the box and tilted his head to the side.

He bent down to open it and I dreaded watching him open it. I wanted to look away but I couldn't find it in me to. He slowly lifted the tops of the box and when it dawned on him what was inside, he turned and puked all over their grass. Once he was done emptying the contents of his stomach, he dropped his shoes and ran inside.

I quickly shut the blinds and fell down on the floor, tears streaming down my face. I can't believe that I helped cause him so much pain. I should've just called the police but I was given no choice and now that I have helped moved the box, does that make me an accomplice?

My mind raced as my inner monologue screamed at me to get up off of the floor but I couldn't bring myself to.  

.............................................

I guess I fell asleep on the floor because when I woke up it was getting dark outside. I got up off the floor and looked outside to see a couple of police cars sitting outside Carter's house. I see they called them. I saw two police officers walk out of their house and head towards mine.

Shit what do they want?

They knocked on the door,"Hello. Ms. Mahj is it. Can you open the door and let us in? We just have a few questions."

Ugh, just breathe in and out. They don't know that you moved the box. Just open the door.

I opened the door and let them in, leading them to the dining table.

"Where are your parents Mahj?" one of them asked as they sat down.

"They are out of town right now, they'll be back on Monday. Um do you guys want anything to drink?" I asked shifting back and forth on my feet, my nerves not letting me take a seat just yet.

"No thanks," the other one said. I nodded and sat down across from them.

"My name is officer Briggs and this is my partner officer Flanningan, we just have a few questions and then we'll be on our way," I nodded in understanding.

"Ok," he said pulling out a notepad," first question where were you between the hours of 10 pm and 12 am last night?"

"I was here last night," I said.

"Do you have anyone who can confirm that?" I shook my head. I saw him jot something down.

"Ok. Do you know anyone who would have something against your neighbor?"

"Which neighbor?" Yeah, you ain't about to trick me.

"Conner, he was found dead this afternoon. He body was cut up and put into a box."

"Wow um no I can't think of anyone who had something against him. You know other than the silent killer, you know he just goes around killing people for no reason. I mean he probably doesn't even know him and just decided to kill him anyway. I mean I don't know," I rambled out, wringing my hands together.

The cops looked at each other and then back at me," Um, ooook. Miss, we're going to have to ask you to come down to the station for further questioning. It seems you know more than you let on," they got up from their seats," Let's go."

I got up and followed them to the door, but stopped. "Hold on, can I put some food in my dog's bowl. I don't know how long we're going to be."

They nodded their heads and I went to the pantry and opened it. I looked down to get his kibble when I saw a pair of black shoes right beside it.

I slowly rose my head up and came face to darkness with the man who was currently ruining my life. I went to scream when his gloved hand covered my mouth and pulled me in the closet, shutting the door.

"I see that you don't do well under pressure. That's something I see we are going to have to work on. Now you've got two options. The first one is that I go out there and deal with those two officers who probably suspect you of murder.

Option number two is that you go out there and leave with them. But let's just say I'd advise you to take option number one.

I don't really think you'll like what you see as a consequence of your actions, even though for me it'll be very enjoyable. Trust me. Now I'm going to remove my hand from your mouth. The only thing you need to say is the option you are choosing ok."

I nodded my head in understanding. He moved his hand from my mouth and I reached down to grab Poco's food.

I turned and opened the door and whispered back," I guess I'll take my chances with option number two."

I walked out and closed the door. I put food in Poco's bowl and went with the police officers outside.

They escorted me to their car and I got in the back. I looked back at my house and I could see hoodie face staring at me through the window. Damn and I just left Poco in there with him.

..................................................

When we got to the precinct they took me into one of the interrogation rooms and left me by myself. You know the one with the one way mirror. The two officers came in and sat down, and one of them placed a tape recorder down on the table.

"Now Mahj, we're just going to ask you a few more questions and if you answer them truthfully we are going to let you go. If we feel like you are lying then we're going to ask you more questions until you tell us the truth. OK?"

I nodded my head.

"Ok well let's get started. When we were back at your house you said something about the Silent Killer. Now were you trying to say that he was the one who killed Conner?"

I nodded my head," Yes that's what I was trying to say."

He nodded his head and turned to look at Flannigan," Ok and how do you know this?"

"He told me."

His eyes bugged out," He told you? That means that you've been in contact with a serial killer. How long has he been contacting you?"

"Since last night and then again this morning, oh and he was also there before we left. He was hiding in the closet."

"He was in the house?!" Officer Flannigan asked.

"Yep."

"And you didn't say anything to us because?"

"He told me not to and I knew that I would be safe if I came with you two. I don't know why but he's obsessed with me for some reason. I don'-" the lights started to flicker.

Next thing I know both of the officers are convulsing on the ground. I raced over to their sides and started to bang on the glass. "Hey! We need help in here! I don't know what is wrong with them!" I yelled.

Nothing happened. "Hey! Is anyone even in there?!" I heard the chairs scrape behind me so I turned around to see both of the officers sitting back in their chairs.

Officer Briggs turned his head to face me,"If you are done banging on the glass, can you retake your seat." I looked at him like he was crazy. "Wait weren't you just- I know you were- am I going crazy?" I asked rubbing my hand across my forehead and headed back to my seat.

There was something off about the two of them. Like they weren't themselves.

"Ok Mahj, next question. Do you enjoy pissing people off or is it something you just do because you can't help it?"

My eyes widened,"What?"

He leaned closer to me and said,"Do you enjoy pissing people off or is it something you just do because you can't help it?" but this time he said it like I was a little kid and he was trying to explain something to me.

"Why are you asking me this?" I asked leaning back in my chair.

"I gave you two options and I told you that you wouldn't like the consequences if you chose the wrong one," he put his head in his hands,"So here we are," I saw a glint of green in his eyes,"let's have some fun."

#jungkook smut #jungkook x black reader #jungkook x plus size reader #bts smut #bts x plus size reader #bts x black reader #bts x black girl #bangtan smut #bangtan boys #jeongguk smut

[jennilah]

personal rambling in public again

hey how ya doin

just kinda thinkin bout stuff and my year so far

i made a promise to fill this year with just as much events and exciting things as last year and I am making well on that so far, just not really in the way i expected!

i swear i came back from my easter vacation different

i came back from vacation to find out that many of my friends and coworkers were laid off (public news, i wont be getting into detail) and that really bummed me tf out. that was the start of my vibes being thrown off. theres been a kind of aura of sadness in the office ever since, to me at least.

my parents also very suddenly decided to sell the house, the one i grew up in. something thats bittersweet, but generally just another big change that was making me feel weird

then my rebellious phase really began

first, became a true stoner, and got my first tattoo. which quickly became planning my second tattoo (booked next month!)

yes, theres been many jokes about me entering my true form as an artist with the weed and the body art and all

and then, the biggest of all, i decided to say goodbye to my current studio and sign a contract with a new one.

this is the first time im leaving a studio by my own volition and not because i myself was laid off. (its a rough industry lol) its definitely different. a lot more emotional. my current studio is a place ive called home for many years and I really had an amazing time there, and ive made so many best friends and connections there. (its the first studio i worked for! after my brief stints at other studios i managed to end up right back where i started after a company merge lmfao)

i think i was non stop crying for five days straight last week, in utter turmoil deciding if i should stay at my current studio where im highly regarded and my job is as secure as possible (bc of how unstable the industry is right now with the writers strike) and i work with people i adore, or explore whats out there and try something new, but risky.

i ultimately decided to take the risk, expand my brain and see how another studio operates and make new connections and friends. if something happens and im the first to arrive, first to get cut- then so be it. ill make that mistake, then.

once i made the decision i have only felt more and more confident every day in that choice, and excited to start something new. i realize this was probably the exact last change ive been needing. everything else around me was suddenly changing and throwing me off, now i get to be in the driver's seat for a bit. just go all in and really enter a new chapter in my life, as corny as it sounds

anyway next thursday will be a very tearful goodbye again, i think. handing in my resignation i was a MESS. but im also excited! They dont do as many films, but they do a lot of really interesting shows on streaming. and i get to FINALLY call myself a SENIOR ANIMATOR. i already was one, but that studio had their own unique title system, and so it was never really clear to other people in the industry wtf level I am, esp with my very small amount of years of experience. I am officially a Senior Animator. feels nice.

and i also get to have a nice month-long vacation between jobs ^^ gonna take full advantage of relaxation and having free time. gonna even be able to visit my parents this summer, something i didnt think id have time to do. (and see that new house!!) (AND do the convention! and Art Fight! and get my second tattoo! and get back into that slasher-watching and TOTK-playing!)

this was longer than i planned imma go eat wendy's

#jennilargh #personal

[thisbuildinghasfeelings]

So, I still need to process, like a lot, but writing asks helps me, so...

Turns out I was wrong about pretty much everything regarding the 3 potential tragedies (well, Wyatt didn't die but at what cost! and his ending was the one that didn't really surprise me; as for Robert I was almost sure he would die one way or another but I actually thought it would happen between seasons; as for Gabriel I had come to expect it and the only thing I will say regarding it specifically is that I'm glad we had him and Carlos talk and hug before it).

I was basing my prediction entirely on how every other season ended up prettily wrapped up with a nice ribbon, but this time we didn't get it. I'm not exactly mad, per se, I don't think, not after all the series I watched over the years that ended with cliffhangers and I had no way of knowing if my favourite characters survived till the following year. And this isn't nearly as bad as that was. So it brings me back, though I didn't necessarily missed it. It's not completely satisfying, because there are storylines left open, but I guess they could afford to this this time since they were already sure of renewal. I really hope next season we get a follow up of all of them, not necessarily the murder plot (though I can see it being a new arc for Carlos that will push him forward professionally, and maybe even personally) but the grief involved. I'm left with the same feelings as it did all those times, a sense of loss and a craving for more, like right now 😂. But I'll get over it, at least I already know we'll be getting more eventually (and let's be real, it'll probably be January rather than autumn, but that's fine).

The only real critique I have now about the finale is that all of this probably deserved more space, like 3-4 episodes instead of just 2, but in the end I like they haven't delayed the wedding, because TK is the only thing Carlos is sure about (😭😭😭😭😭).

Thank you for bearing with my streams of consciousness ❤️

I'm very happy that I came to terms with Gabriel dying the last few days before the episode aired because if I had still been in denial about it, it would have been really rough! But I didn't expect him to be murdered like that...I thought maybe he would die in the line of duty, but I didn't expect it to be that intense! I also expected TK to be able to share his experience with grief over the loss of a parent more. He can still do that a bit, but Carlos' situation is a lot different with his father being murdered and not knowing who did it or why. I think this could be very interesting to follow up next season, though I'm a little nervous about how they will approach it. I'm nervous in general about next season! I hope Tim doesn't feel the need to constantly go bigger and more traumatic because if so, where do we go next?? I really want them to be able to be married and happy, at least a little bit! I know it's never going to be smooth sailing for them, but I'll take as much happiness for them as we can get!

I get what you mean about the storyline deserving more space. There was a point almost halfway through episode 18 where I was thinking, "How do we possibly get to a wedding???" It ultimately worked for me when we got there, but I could see there being a benefit to letting the storyline breathe a little. Maybe have Carlos investigating for a whole episode and then another episode with him going after the wrong guy rather than putting it all into just over half an episode, and also give him more space from being so upset he almost murdered an innocent man to deciding they should go through with the wedding as scheduled after all. However, I loved the scene of Carlos getting down on one knee and I loved that marrying TK was the only thing he was sure about. Also it was so heartbreaking to see Carlos like that so I don't know if I really would have wanted it to be more drawn out!

As for the wedding itself, I think I got everything I wanted out of it. I would have probably preferred them to be able to have a more uncomplicated happiness on their wedding day, but that's just not what this show is. They were never going to give us an episode that was just Tarlos having a happy wedding. What we did get was so sad and heavy at times, but there were so many beautiful scenes. And RAFA! He was incredible, as I knew he would be. This was really his season! I still need to rewatch and process more, but I think I'm overall pretty happy with the finale and the season as a whole.

#answered ask #911 lone star spoilers

[officialvoiceofgenerationx]

I had my adolescent girlhood in the early '90s when I was in my early 20s. I was married at the time, which is weird. I'm not sure how that happened. I was drunk 24/7 for a few years and then I realized I was about to be married and I decided I should lay off the booze, with the result that I went into a major depressive episode that lasted a few more years. Really, the marriage never had a chance.

I treated my depression with depressants - a lot of pot, of course, and we had a connection in the medical field who hooked us up with painkillers - Vicodin and Percocet, mostly, and this cool new drug called Xanax. When we weren't fighting, we were sitting on the sofa staring off into space and Nickelodeon was part of our cable package.

I discovered Clarissa Explains It All and was totally in love. I also got really into My So-Called Life and The Adventures Of Pete And Pete. I found Sassy magazine, which got problematic later, but it seemed pretty cool at the time. I didn't get to have an adolescence when I was an adolescent and my late teens were pretty chaotic - I never knew where I was going to pass out or what was going to happen. The marriage wasn't good, but we did have a somewhat stable place to live and it was fairly quiet - between the drugs and resentments, we didn't talk much - so I was able to just dig into adolescent culture and Clarissa was there to explain it all.

The episode I attached is available to watch for free. They all should be - it's a fucking 30-year-old sit-com, for shit's sake. And it's about as representative of the show as it needs to be. The family takes a break from TV, which makes them all miserable - the show doesn't explicitly state that TV is the only thing that makes it possible for them to tolerate each other, but there it is. The mom starts smoking again - all of our parents smoked, for fuck's sake - and then quits. Happy ending achieved.

Clarissa Darling was a normal TV kid - her family was well-off and they lived in California. There was no abuse, all problems were solved in 22 minutes and there was a laugh track in case you didn't get the really lame humor. I am not pretending that the show was ground-breaking or deep - it was a sit-com on Nick. Still, it was fun. Clarissa broke the fourth wall constantly, directly addressing the audience. They touched on the topics that the writers wanted to believe were important to teenagers and it was a fun, cheesy, day-glo diversion from reality. The Adventures Of Pete And Pete was a lot weirder and My So-Called Life touched on weightier topics - I couldn't find those shows for free either. When none of those were on, I had the latest copy of Sassy to fill the gap.

Eventually, we had to give up cable because we were broke. Sassy got taken over by a different publisher and stopped being cool. I found someone who was able to give me the active abuse I wasn't getting from the marriage and had an affair. We separated in '95 or so - got divorced a year or two later. I started doing meth on top of the other shit and eventually returned to alcohol. Somehow, I survived.

Mostly, I focus on the older Gen Xers - those of us who were born in the late '60s and through the '70s. The subjects I'm on about here were made for younger Xers and the up-and-coming kids - Xillennials, I guess. Still, the relatively cool teen fodder of the '90s had some affect on me. I was able to take a break from the truly toxic shitshow that was my life and pretend that acne was a really important problem for a little bit. It was nice to pretend I was a twelve-year-old girl who had friends and a family that cared, even if it was fake as shit.

Clarissa, So-Called Life and Pete And Pete really should be available for free streaming. I'd love to bore the shit out of my 14yo with some truly lame old TV. That kid has had it pretty easy.

#gen x #generation x #clarissa explains it all #the adventures of pete and pete #my so called life #sassy magazine #90s #90s tv shows #voice of a generation

[ikethakid]

Took a day off from work for my mental health

This past week has been very rough for me, lots of ups and downs, but mostly just feeling depressed and not making sense of anything. My partner and I were streaming last night and I broke down. Multple times. I'm just so afraid that they'll leave me or something's going to happen with them and I won't be able to handle it on my own. I need them. The more I freak out the more paranoid I get about them leaving me. Deep down though, I think I know they won't ever leave. They need me just as much as I need them, they've told me themself. I've never connected with someone like this before, and due to past experiences in my life, I feel like I'm going to mess it all up somehow. Sometimes the pain becomes too much, I want to give up on everything. But I know that's not what they'd what. They say you miss 100% of the shots you don't make, so I just need to keep pushing, keep fighting for a better life, with them. I know it's going to be hard, and I'm going to have more bad days. The way I see it, that just makes me human. I couldn't come into work today because the stress I was dealing with this morning physically made me feel weak and tired. I feel like I've let my down my mom doing this but I just couldn't, she knows I'm depressed, and I texted her that I was just dealing with too much right now. I hope she understands. And the thing is I love having a job, being able to buy things with my own money. It feels nice. I just hope all of this leads me to a better life. My partner always says to me "everything happens for a reason", sometimes you have to experience the bad to get to the good. Like all of my previous relationships that didn't go so well before. If I didn't experience any of that, all the pain and suffering, it wouldn't have led me to here, and I wouldn't have met the love of my life, my true love. In a way that makes me grateful for my past. No matter how hard it gets you just keep pushing and keep being a good person. That's all that matters. I couldn't take my own life, I know my partner needs me and it wouldn't be fair to them if I left them like that. They're the only reason I keep going, them and my parents. I know sometimes I get resentful at my parents because I feel like they ruined my life. But I still love them. I know they didn't mean any harm by it, they tried as best as they could to raise children. So even if all this pain is because of them, I forgive them. They didn't bring me into this world with the intention of making my life miserable. Also I know if I took my own life my mom would probably find a way to blame herself for it and I wouldn't want her to deal with the grief and guilt from that. That's why no matter how bad it gets, I'm never going to take my own life. And I think that's my purpose in life. I'm here to support my partner, to support my parents. I'm here to be there for the few people that still care about me. I know they're always there when I need them, so now it's time for me to return the favor. To stop feeling sorry for myself and to just be there for others. Life is beautiful. It's not always perfect but nothing really is anyway. I'm grateful that I've found someone who I can truly be myself with and share my thoughts with

#vent post #struggling mentally #depression

[pbandjesse]

I'm feeling really good tonight. I am tired but I'm also just happy. It was a good day.

I slept alright last night. I was excited to sleep in. And I did just that. I don't even remember James leaving. I woke up around 9 and was sort of dazed. I let myself just drift for a while. But eventually got up because I had things I wanted to go out and do before going to awah.

I really liked my outfit today. My hair was dirty but it was raining out so it wouldn't matter much. I knew I wanted to leave at 10. So very soon I was out the door.

I wanted to try and find a phone lanyard for James. I did not think that would be to hard. I was wrong. I forgot sometimes thing open later on Sundays. And so when I got out to Towson the first three places I tried to go wouldn't open until 11. Annoying.

So I went to Marshalls first. No luck there. I did not buy anything. Next I went to target. No luck there. I also remembered to look at soda stream stuff but they didn't have flavors I wanted.

So I was a little frustrated. And it was raining. And while I was cold outside I kept overheating in the stores.

It was almost 11 though. So to waste the bit of more time I went to Chipotle for chips and queso. And even though they just opened like 5 minutes before I got there there was a line and an online order of 6 burritos. So I was in line for a while. But she only charged me for a small and gave me a soda for free so I won.

And I enjoyed my little meal but I split my lip again and got blood on my hands and was annoyed but it's fine.

I tried five below after that. No luck. I was getting frustrated at this point. I didn't think this was going to be so hard.

I drove back to the other side of the shopping center, around the back, to the bed bath and beyond. Because it's going out of business. And was able to get 4 soda stream flavors. So that was good. But of course the line was wicked long. And I had an hour until I had to be at awah so I was anxious. But it ended up being fine and everything worked out. I got my deals. I got to overhear people's conversations. And then I was out of there.

Except then I was holding all these bottles and couldn't find my keys for a little bit I would find them and everything would be okay. I would just be a little damp.

I went to awah and it would be an excellent class. My GPS took me a very strange way but I got to see a lot of really pretty houses and it was a good drive. I was in a very good mood. And the project would be very fun!

Paris and Naomi would come soon after me and we talked. And got everything set up. Mary Ellen was not there today but we would figure it out without her. And they were all so lovely.

We had a few new friends. And I got to talk to them about the honeymoon and how I hope to work with them again. I also got to show off my tattle shuttle because it was in my bag. Not that I've really gotten any better at it but I was having fun doing it. It's a very good fidget.

Those two hours really went fast though. I would exchange Instagrams with Paris so we can keep in touch when she moved back to Colorado for medical school. And I told Naomi I hope to see her at the training next month. And then it was almost time to go.

I went to go and alarm the building but a parent was waiting while their student was using the bathrooms so I chatted with them a bit. And before they left the student made a big effort to wish me safe travels. He struggles to talk so it meant a lot to me. I'm going to miss everyone.

I would sit in the parking lot doing my class notes. And then I went home. I was pretty emotionally drained. And cold. I was happy to be home.

Before I went in the house I cleaned up the car a little. And packed up s totebag with my purchases. And once I was inside I had the rest of my chips and waited for James to come home.

I would mostly be in bed this evening. Sometimes James was with me. Sometimes not. It was just nice. My dad called and we talked for most of an hour. He told me about when he was a teen and he asked me excellent questions about the groups I'm working with. It has always been something that I admire about him. He's so ready to listen and learn. Even if he doesn't get it. He wants to try and that means a lot to me.

James made me a little sandwich. And they did the laundry. I fed the fish and washed my hair. The rain continues outside.

I am super ready to go on our trip. I'm nervous!!! But I'm also really excited. We figured out there is an app for the cruise so that's very cool. And we are mostly checked in. So tomorrow hopefully we will finish that. We are just missing a few little pieces of information. But a Monday phonecall will fix that.

I have my last shift of work tomorrow before our vacation. I am very excited. Also very nervous!! It's going to be a very good week. Or it'll be a good story. Either way I am looking forward to it.

Goodnight everyone. I hope you are warm and dry.

[whitchygaythem]

The Wedding (Ch. 1)

It was a warm summer's day, perfect weather for a wedding. Khione wasn't able to enjoy it though. A wedding was supposed to be a happy day but today, as Khione slithered past her subjects towards her parent, and tried not to look into their solemn eyes, all she felt was dread. She was about to get married to a monster after all. All because of a stupid prophecy. That one horrible, live ending prophecy that was supposed to "unite the kingdoms of sun and moon".

"Unite the kingdoms my ass.." Khione thought to herself bitterly. "All that's come of this is 8 years of unnecessary death" She looked up, and saw her mother, the Queen, with red teary eyes. The Queen reached toward Khione and pulled her daughter into an embrace. She pulled away and cupped Khione's face in her hand.

"Khione.. My only daughter" Tears were now streaming from the queen's eyes. "I'm so sorry. I never wanted this to be your wedding day. You- none of you deserved any of this."

Khione felt tears welling in her eyes now. She blinked them away. "Nobody deserved that fate Mom, but I will accept it. Maybe it'll work this time?"

Her mother looked at her with sad eyes. "I love you Khione. I wish you will bring an end to this. All of the night families have lost a child now, just, stay safe baby. Please?"

Khione leaned into her mother for the last time. "I'm sorry. I love you too Mom."

The priest, a rabbit, stepped towards Khione. "Are you ready my lady?" Khione brought down the black veil in front of her face.

"As I'll ever be." She said as she slithered into the warm sunlight, to meet her doom at the altar.

Sola thought today was the perfect day for a wedding. Also it was perfect weather for a nice lunch outside with her new wife as the main course. Sola was just thinking about which houses of the night kingdom she has eaten from, and then she saw her. "Oh, she's beautiful" Sola thought as she saw the smaller girl slither towards her. "I've never tasted naga before… but then again she is so pretty, and nothing like the boys before her" The two sides of Sola's brain began to battle. As the prophecy dictated, Sola was to marry her Bond, a heir from the Night kingdom, to end an ancient war. She would never be able to digest her Bond, as her stomach was supposed to be a refuge for them, but so far, none of the 7 heirs from the 8 noble houses of Night sent were able to last inside her. Sola wasn't very disappointed though. Each and every suitor was arrogant and tasted average. "But her? She looks.. nice. Not stuck up or vain. I want to protect her. Or devour her. Probably the second one" Her new bride tried climbing up onto the platform to meet Sola's eyes, but couldn't reach it. They platform still hadn't been adjusted since Sola's last wedding. Without thinking, Sola bent down, scooped her up in both hands and held her bride to be, with Sola's hands resting on the platform. As the priest started reciting verses and promises, Sola lifted her bride's veil gently with one finger.

"Oh. Wow.." Sola's heart skipped and her face flushed as she saw her bride's face. Even streaked with tears, She was gorgeous. Her long navy hair was put up into a elaborate bun with locks falling down, framing her delicate features that were cast with shadows as she looked down, avoiding eye contact with Sola.

The smaller priest looked nervous " And do you, Princess Khione Chithon take Princess Sola Helios to be your wife?" "I do." The priest turned. "And do you?" Sola looked into Khione's eyes with a toothy grin. "I would love to." Sola didn't know what feeling she was feeling. Hunger or... Something else, she didn't know. She did know that this was going to be fun. Deliciously fun~.

This was my first story! This is the first part.

#vore mention #lesbian vore #sfw vore #vore oc #dragon pred #f/f vore #vore story #whitchythey writes

[nocturnalswarehouse]

Tag game!

I was tagged by @blossom-adventures and @thequeenofthewinter :)

3 Ships:

I'm going to delve away from Skyrim here because my procrastination response if I don't want to be productive around my place, is to immerse myself in as much media as possible. So an obvious one is OC/Brynjolf. Otherwise, Adi would not exist XD my others are OC (or reader)/Jacob Frye because I'm still hyperfixating on AC Syndicate. I also recently finally started Jane the Virgin, and I'm a slut for Jane/Rafael

1st Ever Ship:

I was but a young child, barely able to comprehend reading when my first ever a ship came to be. I shit you not. I think I was 5. It was Blue/Magenta in Blue's Clues. I found out a couple years ago was also my first gay ship, and I am HERE for it.

Last Song:

Boyfriend by Dove Cameron

Last Movie:

I watched one in my filmmaking class by a local director who created a film about a Ukrainian woman who immigrated to modern-day Winnipeg. Do I remember the title? Nope. Do I want to? Nope.

This movie was filmed back in like,,, 2019 I believe, is what he said and released like last year. It's two hours and could've been easily cut down to one. Very slow, almost too slow. I liked a lot of the shots. It was interesting to watch a film where only two characters - who were in there briefly - spoke English.

So there are good things about it, but it definitely could've been way better. I felt like the writing was almost too dry, and the director didn't give us any context as to what the plot was or any warnings that were needed (nudity and a certain subject related to nudity that is unpleasant to watch, to put it nicely).

I just think we should keep cishet white north American men away from creating films with that kind of subject because they don't,,, get it. Granted, neither do I but I do have an entire family of immigrants.

Currently Reading:

Well, it was my personality psych textbook, but no more! I hope to finish @thequeenofthewinter's fic because I'm behind due to school, and after that? Well, when the term starts, one of the texts for one of my classes is "The Handmaid's Tale," and I'm VERY excited to read it.

Currently Watching:

Too many things at once.

Jane the Virgin

Wednesday (I get the hype, I have critiques, but imma keep them to myself because it's very nitpicky and a bit pretentious)

RuPaul's Drag Race S14 (I'm on episode 7)

Canada's Drag Race S2 (I'm on episode 4)

The Witcher (started it in September, had a depressive episode)

Slow rewatch of Avatar: The Last Airbender because I'm following the podcast recaps and discussions

Slow rewatch of Kim Possible because I got bored and switched to the Witcher (it's great to watch after a long shift at work, though)

Wizards of Waverly Place (helped me through the depressive episode. Downside? I've seen it so many times the show is fully memorized)

Hunters on Amazon Prime (They re-edited the show to take out the scenes that got a lot of negative press, and I'm mad, so I stopped because they also re-edited my favourite scene in the entire show)

Teen Wolf (gotta prep for the movie coming out in 2023)

Okay yeah, so my fam and I have a lot of streaming services. Welcome to my Dad, and I are movie buffs

Currently Consuming:

Water. I'm pulling an all-nighter because I gotta be at the airport in two and a half hours, so if I sleep I will miss my flight. Gotta stay hydrated!

Currently Craving:

Tacos from a place back home, and lemonade from a pop-up lemonade stand that ends up at every big event in my city back home and if I can convince my parents I'll be able to get one and won't have to wait until Stampede in July next year. It's the best damn lemonade I've ever had.

The specific tacos I'm craving are the best damn fast-food tacos I've ever had, but I've definitely had better. My sister worked at a Mexican restaurant specializing in tacos that a family member owns, for god's sake. Although, now that I'm thinking about it, I also crave those. I think I just want tacos.

I can't really think of anyone to tag (the main person I would've tagged, tagged me first XD), so I pass this on to anyone that wants to do it :)

#thanks for the tag! #tag game #this was fun! #also sorry I tend to ramble lol

[abishekmuses]

10/4/24 00.25

Today I literally have no idea what I'm going to be writing about - so this will be a super stream-of-consciousness like post.

First off, let me start my reviewing my day so far. As I write this, it's about half past midnight. It's been a reasonable day. Nothing crazy. I did manage to start off my 2 pomodoro medicine thing. Which is something. Not nothing for sure. I'm 30 and i'm starting to study medicine - this is my reality. I told myself that I should stop doing the pointless exercise of thining back to 2014 or 2012 and castigating myself for not doing it then. I've been doing this exercise for a long time and it's utterly pointless.

Might as well get with the reality and start now. Last few days have been interesting in that I've been seized with a manic lust for life, experiences, pleasures and adventures. the Abishek of the last few days is the roving adventurer. The insatiable maniac. The one whose energies just want to bounce endlessly. I've also been feeling extremely sexual. My loins are on fire! I can't seem to get my mind off the idea of women for more than a coupleo f hours at a time. Suddenly, i realise with a vengeance, as it were, that there are hot women around and that they have belly buttons and nupples and they do such things as take men's penises in their mouths. It's been wild. But i want to reiterate to myself that I chose this period of celibacy intentionally and volitionally. I wonder how I can get myself into that frame of mind that I occupied in the beginning of this period.

Hmmmm.

I was also thinking yesterday how even as an adolescent, i was aware of my "body" "holding me back" by getting nervous - I remember talking about it to sudhan for example. My answer back then was to "interfere" with the mind and make it not so - try and defeat my anxiety with cockiness - basically forcing myself to do the thing- get on stage, talk to the girl etc. I want to remember those times of my life more through writing. Let's get there someday. So far, so much of my emotions and thoughts revolve around the "problem period" since 2012 - actually even later? I wonder why I'm so predisposed to high heart rate etc. I can't even remember when this started. I think it was always the case. I just think i didn't notice it. I didn't have any awareness about it. I remember ayesha telling me not to get excited. I remember stuff like that. I remember renu telling me that with weed i finally "stopped bouncing off the walls". i think i was always like this - but i guess there was an additional component that complicated it when I started having real problems in life - when I got expelled, started cheating on sandra and feeling major guilt about it, started sleeping days and spending nights drinking, lying to my parents, doing lots of drugs, spending entire months away from school etc - this added a whole new layer to that natural predisposition towards sympathetic arousal.

I am quite excited about planning a few trips after all this monasticism. I'm thinking hampi, goa, rishikesh but let's see how it all works out. There's a lot more of this to be done. I also remembered today that one of the major components of this 90 day thing was physical transformation - and it's kind of on hold right now because of the back injury. But i think that's an excuse. My sleep cycle has been fucked - that's the major problem - i feel like I don't have time and I feel like i'm always behind - plus all the emotional release of course. So, this is good. I think I'll read some osho and go to sleep fairly early today. Then, I'll be able to get up and have two proper sadhana sessions from tomorrow and maybe do a nice and proper rehab session in the evening?

By doing my rehab properly - even though it's not "high yield"- feeling or "high impact", i show myself that I value my body's mobility and functionality. I show myself that i learn from my lessons and that I'm committing to a life of physical mastery. Now would be a great moment to remind myself of that socrates thing.

I really enjoyed my call with Runar today - there's always something so life-affirming and joyful about these copywriting sessions we have. I don't know what it is - maybe it allows me to live out this fantasy of an alternate reality where im a creative ad-agency worker or something? i don't know. I just love it though!

I feel behind on things a bit - substack, essays, writing more content deliberately, going through those tabs, building my personal brand, doing outreach for more writing work etc. Not to mention write all that content for ONiO and actually make good on my commitment to make 1500$ by the end of last week lol!

Let's get up in the morning and hit the road running?

What do I want to get done tomorrow?

finish at least 3 articles? or let's say 2 conservatively. As a rule! but aim for 3

make more content for linkedin

extensive rehab

two shambhavis

early pomodoro finish

reading!!!! (just for fun) - to be able to do that with a free mind, I need to finish all the other stuff earlier and fast!!!!

Ok i'll write my affirmations now, read some osho (but chocolate first!) and go to sleep!

[sweetiegirlsue]

diary entry 1 (10/07/23)

i was having the worst week, like the absolute worst week - mentally, physically, emotionally, work-wise. all of it. i felt alone, and hated it, but i also wanted to be alone bc i didn't want to see anyone, or moreover, anyone see me. to the point where i was wondering if i needed to be committed... like that bad. i was wondering why, and i thought maybe it was bc i saw my abuser last week (pure happenstance - that's a story in-and-of itself) for the first time in coming up on a year now, haven't even spoke to him since may. i thought he no longer lived here so i had this false sense of safety but i'll get more into that at a later date. not sure i'm ready to unpack that that trauma, but when i am.... buckle in.

anyways: felt like shit, ate like shit, didn't want to do shit. i was mean to the people i loved and i hated it but i didn't care to change? i was ugly. actually physically as well lol i didn't even care to get ready-ready except for one day out of the entire week. all of this to say... i thought it was because of him and i was losing my mind thinking i was like, broken for real. turns out i was freaking pms-ing. LMAO like seriously why does the bitchy PMS trope get more and more real with age (yes i am 26 yes i am decrepit).

but i feel like that was kind of a symptom of what i've been struggling with lately bc i'm realizing i've completely lost my sense of self. that being said, i'm actively on a journey to self discovery and strengthening my relationship with God. i'm trying to be more present, to stop my thoughts (especially negative ones) in their tracks (something i learned in "get out of your head" by jennie allen). its honestly helping at least a bit, which is what she says in the book - catching even just one negative thought, acknowledging where its coming from then giving it over to God, will change the trajectory of every other thought.

along with that, i'm keeping my social media usage to a record minimum - literally less than an hour a day across all platforms, which has also been very healing. i know its corny to talk about and it really does show my age, but i really feel like we do not need to be consuming the shit that is spoon-fed to us on a daily basis, constantly, on all these platforms. when i fully realized a lot of my thoughts were how i could tweet about something, or make a story about something, or an instagram post. like what the fuck? and for what? it's so nice being able to unplug and reframe my thinking. i've been doing good and i'm liking the breath of fresh air so far.

speaking of fresh air, what made me finally take the time to sit down and journal my thoughts (which is truly just a stream of consciousness) is when i realized what i'm doing at the current moment. i'm sitting on my couch with my patio door open welcoming the morning sun and autumn breeze, drinking coffee and watching netflix all cozy on a cool, fall morning. i'm texting a boy that i used to "date" in middle school and have had a few flings with throughout the years since.

back in middle school i remember around this time of year, sitting on the couch while my parents were at work and my brother was at a friends, watching netflix (and/or playing wii fit) and drinking coffee while texting specifically this boy. it's like i'm taken back to that exact time (except this time i'm indulging in a few joints lol). my inner child is feeling healed and this is the most at peace i've felt in a long time. i usually don't allow myself to rest, i guess i fell as though i don't deserve to (?), so it's nice feeling like i'm allowed to have this time to myself. s/o sex education season 4 <3

in conclusion, this is me documenting the jump start to my healing journey. my focus right now is catching negative thoughts and letting them go, and just being present in the real world. let this be your reminder to pause and actually smell the roses. like literally bend down, put the damn flower to your nose, and smell it when you see one. i'm talking to both me and you on that one.

i hope this is the first of many more diary entries, which i will sign off with the verse OTD:

show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. (Psalm 25:4-5)

[rkhemlani]

June 16th - Arashiyama Bamboo Forest and Monkey Park

Nico and I skipped breakfast again this morning and slept in a little bit. We knew there was going to be a quiz, so we reviewed the readings one more time before Professor Smith’s announcement at 9:00 am (we are familiar with your tactics Dr. Smith). Prior to fully entering the bamboo forest, we stopped at a love shrine, because the last one we tried to visit was closed. Professor Smith recalled my previous joke saying that I need the love shrine really badly, which I thought was funny. I already know I drank from the Romance Stream of water from the Kannon temple a couple days ago, so I didn’t want to ruin my odds. As we strolled through the bamboo forest, we saw a man playing this extremely soothing disc instrument that I had seen on Instagram before (I don’t know the name of it). We continued along and of course Vishnu and I found an extremely photogenic spot to take pics along the water, which oddly reminded us of what we thought Vietnam would look like. I wanted to go for a swim so bad. After that we broke for lunch, where Vishnu, Chelsea, Sam (the boy), and I all went to a ramen place that was a solid 7/10. After that I got Chelsea coffee and myself coffee and she repaid me by buying me a yummy strawberry ice cream. I think that’s like at least five different people I have gotten to buy me ice cream. Vishnu and I took more pics on the bridge, and we met back up with the group for a hike up to a monkey park. There, we took more pics as a group, fed monkeys peanuts for 50 yen, and enjoyed the wonderful views above Kyoto. It’s kinda sad that the trip is going to be over in a couple days, because we have a really weird, yet fun group. We headed back down the mountain and a group of us (Boy Sam, Girl Sam, Eliza, Vishnu, Chelsea, Casey, Julie, Nico, Aulora, and I) stopped at another coffee shop where we chit chatted, had overrated drinks, and reminisced the trip. We took the train back, Nico and I napped, and then we met downstairs to go to a rooftop bar. I had a good talk with Casey about our favorite parts of the trip and what we missed the most from back home. Unfortunately, I led the group to an overpacked bar as I had forgotten it was Friday and it was happening. I felt bad for making everyone walk for half an hour. On the way back, Julie and I talked about the way our Asian parents punished us as kids and we offered each other restaurant recommendations in Miami/Broward. I love when people give new spots for me to try in Miami. We stopped at Family Mart for snacks and some of us played Uno in our room to end the night which was nice. Nico and I also played heads-up poker after everyone had left, because we are dying to play when we get back to Miami. I hope this group can be able to meet up in Gainesville for a party or a function later on this year.

Academic Reflection

Today one of our readings was on “The Tale of Genji”, which I had read parts of previously in my Self and Society in East Asia quest course during the Spring of my freshman year. It was a great read and an even better read now. The entire plot revolves around the romantic adventures of Genji, the son of the emperor who exiles himself after committing some wrongdoings. It was interesting to visit the place where he had his affair with Lady Rokujo. The story is considered to be the world’s first novel and is a classic piece of literature. It was enlightening to be able to picture the settings described in the story and I was glad that we were able to visit said place.

The other reading discussed the importance of preservation for the bamboo forest. I found it particularly compelling the way the article mentioned the inclusion of nature within city planning. I wish we had this back in Miami, where there aren’t many large parks that are nature based other than protected ocean reefs. We were able to see dense and luscious forests that were located in the middle of Kyoto when we were at the monkey park on top of the mountain.

[lilicy-secrets]

Breakfast, Meetings, and Clean Apartments Chapter 4

I stood in a dark void alone. Silence filled my ears. I felt fear sink into me when I heard a laugh. I looked up to see the queen bee of my school, Jessica. Her long, flawlessly straight brown hair up in a ponytail, her perfect, tan, unblemished skin, 10 rating body in a cheer outfit stood over me. "Do you honestly think you could run from me? I thought you would've known better than that. Even if it's not my friends and myself, you'll be targeted again. A new school won't help. You're our little toy; don't think we'll give up so easily. He'll grow tired of you soon enough." Her voice was filled with malice, hate, and control. I watched as she was about to grab me before she was pushed aside by my parents.

"Look at you. You worthless bitch, do you really think he can save you from everything forever? You'll be back with you're good parents soon. Then we'll decide a just and fair punishment," they said in unison, adding venom to the last part.  "How dare you think that you can just leave us. He'll see what you're really worth soon enough."  Then I heard his voice.

"(Y/n)? (Y/n), where are you?" He sounded worried. Then he appeared before me. "Oh, there you are. Look, Sarah called, and she's getting the wedding back together. I'm sorry, but you'll have to be on your own now. You've come so far, though; you should be able to save yourself now." He looked at me with happiness. He looked at everyone around me. "Anyway, with all these people to love you, you'll be safe."

"Brendon, th-these are th-the ones that I-I-I need saving from!" I cried out as he stood up.

"Don't be crazy, (y/n/n). If this is what I took you away from, you should feel ashamed for playing me as the fool. Have a nice life."

I awoke with a start as tears streamed down my face. I was sitting straight up in a sunlit living room. It took me a second to remember everything from last night. I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. I stood up feeling much more relaxed than I had a few seconds ago. When I did, I noticed that Brendon hadn't moved since last night. I smiled and set the blanket on top of him. Suddenly my stomach growled, and I saw it was 8 a.m. I went to the kitchen and began making breakfast. 'It's the least I can do.' Surprisingly, it seemed that whatever was causing my muscles to give out yesterday wasn't effecting me today because 30 minutes later bacon, eggs, biscuits, and hash browns were perfectly prepared along with fresh coffee. I set the table, and went to wake up Brendon when I ran right into him. I stumbled back a bit, but he caught my wrist and held me to his chest. "Good morning," I said looking at his slightly messy hair. 'He looks so sexy right now.'  I shook my head as I tried to change my train of thought. "You must be starved."

He gave me a smirk as he sat down at the table. "Now, how did my little civilian get all this ready for me? Also, (y/n/n), did you take your medicine?" He asked as he began preparing his plate.

"I have no idea, what ever was messed up yesterday isn't as messed up today. Maybe it's triggered by some emotion," I said as I remembered it only happened when I was stressed, upset, or nervous. "Also, no, I figured I need to eat before taking it. Oh, do you have anything planned for today?" I asked sitting beside him and making my own plate.

"I have a band meeting at 10, but other than that, no. Why?"

"No reason, I was thinking that if I was going to spending the day here, than I was wondering what I would do." I had already planned on picking up the house a bit if he left.

"Well, you could come with me."

"I'll pass, I don't want your friends thinking you've gone mad, anyway, I'm feeling lazy."

"Oh, okay," he said sounding dejected.

"I will go with you next time, I promise."

The rest of breakfast went by quietly and he was buzzing off to get ready to go as I cleaned up the table. I plugged my iPod into a set of speakers in the living room, sat down on the couch book in hand, and made it appear that this was my plan for the day. Before he left, he came and gave me a hug, and two pills since I forgot. "Remember, you have to take those every six hours," he said as he walked out the door.

I rolled my eyes and gulped down the pills before I got up and quickly got to work on the house. I gathered all of the trash, dirty dishes, and dirty clothes around the apartment, even from Brendon's room after a really long debate with myself. After getting all the dishes washed, the trash in the waste basket, and a load of laundry started, I began to dust. I kept working happily listening to all of Panic! At The Disco's songs. I even vacuumed, swept, and mopped. After four hours of cleaning I was folding the last bit of laundry when I heard the door open and close. I was in the laundry room, so I figured Brendon was just getting home.

"(Y/n)? Who the hell came and cleaned the apartment?" I heard him asking as he opened up my door. "(Y/n), where the hell are you?"

"The laundry room," I said as I gathered up the laundry in a basket to go and put away. I met him in the kitchen. "How was the meeting?"

"Fun, now what in the world are you doing?" He asked me as I passed by. "Wait, give me that." He took the basket from me and began putting stuff away.

"I was putting up laundry."

"Why?"

"I felt the need to. Was I not supposed to?" I felt worried that I had over stepped a boundary that he had set up that I was unaware off.

"No, you were supposed to be lounging around. If I knew you were going to be doing all of this, I would have dragged your ass off to the meeting with me. I told the guys about you, and they want to meet you. I said you had to stay home because you weren't up to moving around a whole lot. You made me lie to my band," he used a mock sad voice. "Also, I don't think Doctor Andrews will be happy if he knew you were cleaning my house. I really don't need that guy lecturing me. If I didn't know any better, I would swear he was your dad."

"Oh, is that all. I thought I had made you mad at me," I said sitting down on the couch. "I'm sorry, I lied, but if I hadn't then I wouldn't have been able to show you my appreciation. Also, I promised I'd go with you next time."

He finished putting up the laundry and placed the basket in the laundry room. He sat beside me and put his arm around my shoulder. "Well, the house looks a thousand times better, but you could have had an accident while I was away. You would've been helpless since you left the "Brendon" signal in your room."

I burst out laughing at this. I also blushed as he hugged me closer to his body. He was wearing a tight grey shirt, a grey beanie, black skinny jeans, and his glasses. He once again looked sexy as hell. "The 'Brendon' signal?"

"Yeah, you know, your cell."

"Oh, well, next time, I'll keep it on me. Oh, why did you tell the guys about me?"

"Eh, I just felt they should know that a cute girl was staying with me, so they'd be on their best behavior when they bring over lunch."

"Wait, what?"

"Oh, yeah, you might want to go get cleaned up the band's coming over for lunch, and it's on them," he said winking at me.

I smacked his chest as I rushed to my room to grab a (f/c) v-neck blouse, (s/f/c) light jacket, (f/c) skirt, (s/f/c) tights, and my flats. I ran to the bathroom and jumped in the shower. "I guess it's a good thing I decided to clean the apartment!" I shouted as I stepped into the shower, and I could hear Brendon laughing. I quickly finished, put on my clothes, put on a light layer of make up and did my hair. Just as I stepped out of the bathroom, a knock resounded through the apartment. "That must be them," I said walking by Brendon. I had the door opened and was in shock when I heard Brendon coming up behind me saying, "actually, their just now getting the fo-." I looked to him and saw his face go to shock.

"Well, Brendon, who's this slut?"

#brendon urie #panic! at the disco #x reader

[stormyoceans]

Wow, i didn't expect that you'll answer so quickly 😄 Glad that you think it works well. When it will be possible, tell me more of what you're thinking? And believe me, i need 100k of camboy Talay and Puen being absolutely smitten too. I have free time tomorrow, so i think I'll write more. If we won't get our dream fanfic, we'll write it themselves in the form of really long headcanons, right, Monica?😂

DID YOU SAY YOU DIDN'T EXPECT ME TO ANSWER SO QUICKLY BECAUSE YOU ACTUALLY EXPECTED ME TO BE DEAD (WHICH I VERY MUCH AM BTW. DEAD AND GONE AND BURIED AND ONE WITH THE HEART. THIS IS MY GHOST SPEAKING)

OKAY ALRIGHT LET ME JUST. COLLECT WHATEVER'S LEFT OF MY BRAIN. idk if any of this will make sense but here are some of my scattered thoughts about it!!!!

as i said before i do think camboy talay works incredibly (and surprisingly) well, but im having a hard time explaining why. i guess it depends a lot on how i personally see the characters. in episode 8, when friend credits have to find a way to get money to produce their movie, talay goes online to try sell tess' clothes as quickly as possible because he doesn't want the others to sell their parents' stuff. i think that says a lot about who talay is: when it comes to the people he cares about, he is willing to do pretty much anything. so i can definitely see him finding out that his mom is struggling with money and deciding that he wants to help out in some way while he tries to land the job of his dreams. of course i don't think becoming a camboy would ever cross his mind on his own (maybe he hears his friends talking about it one evening), and at first he'd probably object to the very idea of it, but after struggling to find a stable job for months, i do think he would decide to at least give it a try

and there are actually two things that you mentioned that i really love: 1) that you want talay to start it for himself too, to take his pleasure in his own hands, and 2) that at the beginning he wouldn't do well. because see, even if it's an AU it's really important to me that the characters remain themselves, and when it comes to talay i don't think he'd be able to act all cute (i mean, he is the cutest, but he doesn't try to be, if that makes sense) and pleasing with everyone. i can see people asking him to do something and talay just misinterpreting it completely (like in episode 6 when puen tells him he likes the sound of 'the sea', and talay takes him literally), or someone saying something degrading about sex workers and talay starting an entire rant about it, or even just talay refusing to do something he doesn't feel comfortable with (because like you said this is about money, but it's also about talay and what HE wants too)

and on the other side you have puen who feels incredibly lonely and desperately craves connection but can't manage to build a lasting relationship with anyone. and i like that you mentioned that the first time he goes on the site he has some glasses of wine in him because im not sure he would go look for that kind of content if he were sober, no matter how lonely he feels, but he still ends up there, and i like to think that even if he clicks on talay's livestream because he's attracted to talay's body at first, the reason he stays is because of talay's personality. like, talay reads puen's username and the first thing he thinks about is the 2499 antapan krong muang movie so he starts talking about it and how cool dang bireley is and while other people are leaving the stream puen is just sitting there smiling and thinking 'cute'

i think that's what actually pushes puen to write to talay and start chatting with him, because he finds talay so funny and smart too, and i love the idea that eventually it's that connection they make that also helps talay be comfortable enough to start exploring what he actually likes

there is also a nice potential for angst, because maybe at one point talay and puen meet in person without knowing who they are and things start to get complicated, because they feel like they're falling for two different people at the same time and then they find out they are actually the same person and they have to reconcile with that knowledge and with everything that happened between them. BUT ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER OKAY BYE

#it's almost midnight and i have no idea what i just wrote and honestly im afraid to reread it so im sorry if im not making any sense #VERY LONG HEADCANONS ARE TRULY THE THING THAT WILL KEEP US GOING #m: ask #puentalay