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sparring-hyena · 9 months

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why does this keep happening?

in which accidents keep happening.

OR, aren't accidents just the most romantic thing to ramble about for a few thousand words?

the first accident, as it were--and years later, Becca will insist that it was an accident--happens at some stupid club.

the lights are low, the music loud--and Becca can feel it beating along with her heart--and the drinks are dirt cheap. she vaguely recalls some neon sign above the bar about all the spirits being five dollars.

she slams back another shot; can't quite remember what number it was but doubts she'll be capable of much tomorrow. there's a delightfully warm buzz that worms its way through her body, making her feel light and easy, and then she spots Alex through the throng of people. Alex with her stupid smile and stupid hair and-- gah!

she's with a group, Becca notes, a few people. Chris, she picks almost immediately and feels some green insult form in her mouth, the girl she saw with Alex at the welcome week fair--Kaitlyn, she thinks her name might be--and a few other people she doesn't recognise.

but then Alex looks over at her, looks confused for a moment, and then she winks and smirks. stupid, see?

the night crawls on, some of her sorority sisters leave, and Becca's squished in tight in the middle of the dance floor. she screams the words to a song she hasn't listened to in years, but still somehow doesn't miss a single word. it's dumb really, how much fun she's having.

she gets bumped--accidents happen in clubs--stumbles into some girl, and ends up with a drink all down the front of her dress.

"shit."

Becca's head snaps up to the voice. "Alex," she seethes.

"it was an accident, i swear." and to her credit, Alex does have the decency to look apologetic.

"right." Becca sneds her a glare that Alex answers with some stupidly apologetic grin.

she shuffles between the groups of drunk people and past couples making out on her way to the bathroom. there's a line, of course, and the bathroom is clouded in a smokey haze that almost makes it a bit hard to breathe. becca stumbles over to the bench of sinks and uses the cold water and paper towels to dab at her dress and arms.

"hey, i'm really sorry about your dress," Alex says, and Becca didn't realise Alex had followed her.

"can you just leave me alone?" Becca snaps back.

"i'll pay to have it cleaned, i promise i didn't mean to--"

"what part of leave me alone aren't you getting?" Becca turns to face her fully now and accidentally stands way too close, but she'll be damned if she backs away first.

"no yeah, i know, it's just--"

"just what?"

and there's definitely nuance and things to unpack, but she's a little drunk and Alex is standing so close, or maybe she's the one who's standing too close, and Alex's eyes are definitely flicking between her lips and eyes, and accidents happen all the time in club bathrooms.

she kisses Alex.

she kisses Alex or Alex kisses her or-- whatever. the point is that they're kissing in a club bathroom and there's nothing really to make of it. because accidents happen all the time and they're both a little drunk and Alex's hands feel both good and bad on her hips where they trace a gentle pattern that burns through her skirt straight to her core.

they spring apart a second later, realise what they just did, and before Alex has a chance to open her mouth and say something stupid, Becca leaves. she stumbles out of the club and out onto the busy street where she flags down a cab and heads home for the night.

there's a party, her party. it's a sorority thing, so Becca's antsy and she'll never admit that she's kind of nervous and on edge. she clings to Chris' arm for most of the night, feels too warm and too much, and it's just not right, but she pushes it all way because this needs to work.

and then she sees a familiar head of hair and her stomach flips. the only reason, she decides, that she leaves Chris' side and follows after Alex, is because she doesn't want Alex to mess something up.

she follows Alex through the house and walks right into her when she rounds a corner.

"watch it," Becca snaps with way too much aggression.

"you bumped into me."

"and you were..." she doesn't actually know.

Alex looks at her, waits for her to finish her sentence but nothing comes. and Becca can feel her eyes wanting to drift.

"how's Chris?" Alex asks instead.

"you sound jealous," Becca says, and maybe she wants Alex to be.

Alex shrugs and takes a step towards Becca. "i just wanted to check in. especially after... well..." she allows her fingers to ghost over Becca's hand.

and if that were it, if Becca scoffed and walked away, she could forget about it all and wouldn't need to write away this entire interaction as yet another accident.

"an accident," Becca hears herself say, and then another accident when she doesn't pull away from Alex's hand.

she kisses her quickly again. surges forward, sucks in a deep breath, and winds or arms around Alex's neck to pull her in just a little bit closer. another accident, she guesses.

hands wander--accident--and Becca nips at Alex's lip--accident accident accident.

and then someone comes walking down the hallway and they spring apart before their accident becomes something else. Becca backs away, puts more space between them, and doesn't say anything as she turns and leaves.

there are more accidents as the year drags on. there's the time when Becca finds Alex alone in the library late one night. that happens right after her break-up with Chris so it's... there are a few accidents that night.

she throws razor-edged words at Alex, wants them to cut deep and burn.

Alex fights back; begs Becca to understand that she didn't mean for this to happen. she doesn't say anything as harsh but she gets close to Becca so her words stick.

and it's when they're breathing the same air that Alex surges forward and kisses Becca hard. the accident comes when Becca kisses Alex back and twists her hands in Alex's hair and moans her name and wishes for it to never end.

there's the end-of-quarter dance when Becca watches Alex dance and laugh with her friends and definitely gets caught staring once or twice.

there's the whole fiasco with the play at the start of their winter quarter, and how Becca and Alex fight so aggressively about the casting that they don't realise how close together they are until they're breathing the same air. Becca had stood, speechless, and Alex had backed away, her eyes wide and not speaking a single word.

but there is no accident quite as big as stumbling into some hole-in-the-wall bar after a fight with her dad and finding Alex all alone in a back corner booth.

she's not sure if the accident is walking into the bar or sliding into the booth across from Alex or taking the time to talk and listen and understand. or maybe, really, the accident comes when she lets the tips of her fingers brush over Alex's.

"it's late," Alex says, not moving her hand away and watching the way Becca's fingers move against her own.

"yeah."

"i should go."

"you could come back to the sorority," Becca says, and maybe the real accident is saying that out loud. "it's closer than the dorms."

"sure."

the car ride to the sorority is awkward. the walk from the curb to Becca's room is awkward. it's all awkward even though they were just fine an hour ago in some crummy little bar. and it shouldn't even be awkward now because aren't they sort of making progress in an odd kind of way?

somewhere between closing her bedroom door and Alex opening and closing her mouth for the fifth time in an attempt to fill the silence, Becca thinks, screw it, and pulls Alex in for a messy kiss that's all teeth and tongue.

she pushes Alex back towards her bed and only allows their lips to separate once she's got Alex seated in front of her.

Alex opens her mouth to say something, probably something stupid Becca guesses, but before she has a chance, Becca takes her dress off in one quick motion and straddles Alex's lap. that seems to shut Alex up for the rest of the night.

they wake up together the next morning, and Becca decides that that is the real accident. but then Alex has the gall to ask Becca how she slept. has the audacity to be nice and funny and actually kind of sweet as she gets dressed and sits at the end of the bed to put her socks and shoes back on.

"we should-- i mean, we could, absolutely zero pressure-- but we could do this again if you wanted?"

they could, technically. technically. but accidents aren't planned. you can't plan an accident. to plan to do this again--as much as Becca loathes to admit she might just want to--would ruin absolutely everything.

no, this was an accident.

except the whole night can't possibly be an accident. an accident is small. fixable. forgettable. a whole night though, that's massive. it spans hours and has so many decisions and choices, and at a certain point, you have to take a little bit of personal responsibility for making the same choices over and over again, when you knew exactly where they'd lead you.

and there's also the small, slightly relevant detail that, unlike accidents, this is not forgettable.

oh no.

Becca's walls shoot back up immediately and she answers Alex's question with a hum as she picks at a loose bit of thread on her bed sheets.

"right, well, see ya' Becs."

Alex leans in to kiss Becca bye, but Becca turns her head and Alex plants a kiss on her cheek instead. and Becca knows that she can't even call that an accident. turning her head, just like the hurt that flashes in Alex's eyes, is unforgettable.

Becca doesn't see Alex for the rest of the quarter. and that could actually be an accident, probably the only legitimate accident if she's being honest with herself. because she's been busy with exams and sorority stuff and her parents are just kind of... bleh at the moment. so she hasn't really had a lot of time to spend thinking about Alex.

and then there's the spring fling.

she doesn't plan on going, but the sorority house is empty and cold and quiet. there's also only so much ice cream and trashy TV can do to ward off the icy loneliness she feels settle in her chest.

her phone buzzes from its place buried in her blanket. a message from Alex wishing her well for the summer break and god why does she have to be so sweet?

Becca's ready to leave in less than forty-five minutes--a personal best for her, but now's not really the time for that.

the dance is in full swing by the time she shows up, and it almost feels like walking through a fairytale with the fairy lights strung up and music and gentle laughter coming from nearby couples. it's actually kind of perfect.

she scans the crowd as she walks through it--not looking for Alex, but also not not looking for her. she spots a few of her sorority sisters, makes awkward small talk with Chris when they bump into each other while getting more drinks, and then finally, she finds somewhere quiet to pause for a moment.

"hey, stranger."

Becca feels herself smile and has to tamp it down before she turns around. "Alex."

Alex comes to lean against the gazebo railing beside Becca and maybe stands just a tad bit closer than strictly necessary.

"i didn't think i'd see you tonight," Alex says.

Becca answers with a shrug. "disappointed?"

"hardly. but what are you doing all the way over here by yourself? i figured there'd be a line of people competing for your attention."

"are you competing for my attention?"

"do you want me to?"

Alex doesn't answer right away, instead she looks at Becca, like she's considering how she wants to make her next move. "i did actually want to apologise, if i came on to strong or if i was reading everything wrong."

and god this is painful, standing here and listening to Alex apologise for something that she doesn't need to apologise for. it's like the universe is asking her to make a choice. telling her that she can't keep twisting things into accidents to avoid facing her feelings.

Becca places her hand on Alex's arm and waits until she feels Alex lean into the touch before saying, "you didn't read anything wrong."

then she leans in and kisses Alex, and the last thing she wants to do is pretend that that's an accident.

#my writing #becca x mc #becca davenport #playchoices #the freshman #the sophomore #the junior #the senior #hi i guess i’m back now? 😬

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