#the entire literature department at every university would be fucking shut down

[boysnberriespie]

Truly you can’t simultaneously say “this queer media is important and meaningful in real life” and then simultaneously say that anyone critiquing it for its handling of certain subjects and the messages that sends is just applying morality to media where it doesn’t belong

It can not both be a moral win and free from analysis of those morals

#the difference is that censorship is not the goal with the critique #and nor is ‘cancelling’ the creators #you can still critique!!! if all critique was a call for censorship and harassment #the entire literature department at every university would be fucking shut down #there IS a middle ground between ‘writing X subject makes you evil’ #and ‘no fictional work can be used as a 1 to 1 analysis of real life morals’ #because sometimes works do have an express moral and political dimension to them #and ignoring that is fucking dumb frankly #and sometimes works don’t have an expressed political dimension to them #but they still reflect some of reality and the current literature/TV/movie landscape

[tsukkisbean]

a repost,, hah a sorry

friends with benefits pt.1 | headcanons

**please block #clara’s steamys and #claras cabinet: steamys if don’t want to see this kind of work!!

genre: suggestive, a bit of fluff for some of them

characters: kita, atsumu, bokuto, akaashi, tsukishima, semi x gn! reader

warnings: mentions of sexual acts, alcohol, and jealousy, fwb relationships, slightly toxic relationships/traits

a/n: based on post time skip!! i know i reuse a lot of the same characters haha,,, i just don’t know how to characterize some characters but if you guys enjoy it send other names in and when i have another group i’ll make another list!! everything is under the cut

kita shinsuke

the two of you were introduced to each other by your grandparents in the hopes that you two would hit it off and start a relationship

on your first date you thought he was absolute bore - a very by the book type of guy

however, to please your grandparents you guys agree to a second date

this time in an attempt to get him to loosen up, you make him share a bottle of wine with you

as you head back to your apartment there’s a lot of flirting and touching and when arrive you ask him to stay

the two of you agree that there’s no romantic feelings involved but to keep your grandparents of your backs for the the time being, the two of you pretend to date

will make sure to satisfy you first before focusing on his needs, the sex is always very sweet and comforting

sex is usually very vanilla, lots of kisses, eye contact, hand holding, whispering sweet nothings

since you guys are fake dating, probably end up spending a lot of time together and end up acting like a real couple and he ends up actually falling for you

miya atsumu

is the poster boy for fwb relationships imo

you guys met on a dating app, probably tinder because he was looking for hookups rather than a meaningful relationship

emphasizes the fact that you can’t fall for him because everything is purely physical and reminds you constantly that he has a whole bunch of other people he can hook up with

will call you whenever he’s horny and insist that you come over regardless of the time of day or if you’re busy

has no problem getting you off, but mainly because he wants you to get him off asap

the session is probably entirely dominated my atsumu you don’t get much say because he’s making you cum after all

as soon as you’re done he’ll make you leave, you probably have to call your own taxi too

BUT is also the type to get jealous if he finds out you’re hooking up with other people

ends up in you guys getting into a lot of fights and having a lot of hate/makeup sex

bokuto kōtarō

you met at a party to celebrate the end of the volleyball season

the physical connection is definitely there and by the end of the night you guys are together in a random room and no one sees you guys till morning

the type to straight up ask you for your number and ask to see you again

after mutual agreement of a fwb you guys see each other a few times a week

sex with bokuto is always fun, you guys are very open with what you want and like to try new things together

you guys probably even watch porn together and decide on new positions, kinks or toys to try each week

but emphasis on the friends in this relationship, lots of jokes, hanging out and getting to know each other

you probably end up hanging out with each other in all your spare time and everyone assumes your dating

someone’s feelings probably get hurt when one of you vehemently deny the assumptions and say you’re “just friends”

akaashi keiji

you guys first met a company meeting and bonded over being department editors

lowkey was only trying to make connections with you because you’re the editor for the literature department which is the role he originally wanted

but after one (or 10) too many drinks you guys are wasted and somehow end up back at his apartment

at first you guys try to keep it professional, silently agreeing that it was a one time arrangement

but work starts to get stressful and a late night shift results in you in his bed again and again and again

the type of guy that will make you think he’s in love with you by acting like your boyfriend, despite your relationship only being physical

will let you stay the night, borrow his clothes, gives you an extra toothbrush, makes you breakfast and even buys the shampoo you like

honestly makes you fall in love with you and does the pikachu face when you when you decide to confess

tsukishima kei

your relationship probably forms through your mutual hatred for each other

throughout your university degree you guys were always competing for the top marks, and to top it off, just before graduation you guys had to fight for the same position at the museum

despite always fighting, the sexual tension has always been there

one night you take it too far, and taunt him with the oh so cliché “want me to shut up? then make me”

and he does, he always does

every time you guys argue (which is often) ends up in you guys hooking up

sessions are quick and rough, lots of dirty talk and degradtion from both of you

but often ends with him holding you down by the neck shoving your face into the mattress or couch or table or whatever while he fucks into you to shut you up just like you told him to

you guys maybe catch feelings for each other? can’t really tell because you’re too busy trying to rip each others throats out

semi eita

you guys met at the after party after one of his gigs and he took advantage of the fact that you said you were a big fan

as someone who’s a civil servant and a a musician, definitely has a wild side that he likes to let loose - which he does with you

basically your hookups are anytime after he has a show which he invites you to

LOVES to fuck you backstage in his dressing room and gets off at the thought of one of his bandmates walking in on you guys also likes to fuck you in front of the mirror and makes you look watch the door because if someone walks in he wants you guys to make eye contact

though most of the time you guys only really do quickies because he’s got another wholesome life to get to the next day

you guys can probably keep your relationship purely physical since you guys don’t see each other often

#haikyuu smut #haikyuu scenario #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu x reader #kita x reader #atsumu x reader #bokuto x reader #akaashi x reader #tsukishima x reader #semi x reader #haikyuu x you #clara click clacks #claras steamys

[rokutouxei]

the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

ikemen vampire: temptation through the dark theo van gogh / mc | T | [ ao3 link in bio ]

The challenge seemed pretty simple: to try to befriend the university bookshop's most sour employee, Theo van Gogh. As a literature major with a boatload of book recommendations on her back, it ought to be a simple task indeed. But as she uncovers what lies between Theo's pages, the more she finds it harder to become closer to him without having to put the feeling directly into words. What can she learn from Theo about what it means to stay—and how can she teach Theo about what it means to let go? | written for ikevamp big bang 2020!

[ masterpost for all chapters ]

CHAPTER 3 OF 22

“You started a book club with her?”

Arthur is dumbstruck. But he’s also dumb for having admitted that he was, in fact, listening in on her and Theo’s conversation at the counter, so now he’s nursing a headache from where his head met the wall when Theo had pushed a stack of books on top of him after she had walked away. Of course he was fully aware of where his co-worker was hiding all this time.

Theo crosses his arms and sighs. “It’s not a book club.”

“What?” Arthur cackles. “Care to explain that, when you’re doing exactly what book clubs do? Read books and share them with each other?”

“‘Clubs’ imply more than two people,” Theo answers, trying to keep his voice even when he, too, knows the reasoning is faulty at best.

“With the number of heart eyes she’s got for you, it ought to count as another person.”

Theo sighs. “Arthur, I’m going to ask you a favor.”

“You know the cost of that.”

“Yes, so let me owe you one, and shut the fuck up.”

“Aww, buddy—”

Theo’s expression shifts into something menacing.

“Arthur.”

-

Theo wishes it were just a book club.

That way, all they will have to do is talk about books and maybe engage in some intellectual discussion about said books. Then they go home.

But it’s more than just a book club.

(This is the beginning of Theo learning that it’s always ‘more than’ when she’s involved.)

It’s Saturday now, and Theo has just gotten out of his 3-hour long lecture. It’s considered to be one of the more complicated, higher-level business classes in his course, but…Theo doesn’t really have any strong feelings about it. It’s okay. It’s the second to the last subject he’ll have to take before he can finally proceed to his thesis-writing class… and Theo is rather eager to get this finished already.

…Well, no, he’d rather focus on helping his brother out since he can, since Vincent comes above all things, but the one agreement for him to keep his scholarship despite not taking a full load of units is that he had to take at least three units—one subject—each semester. He wasn’t going to say no to the demands of a scholarship and free tuition, so he takes a subject once a week—on his day off from work—and takes the rest of the day recovering from the long week of working retail.

But that’s about to change.

He doesn’t know what he’d done to end up in this position—well, maybe he does, and what he did was agree to work with Arthur, of all people—but now he’s here. Instead of relaxing on a Saturday afternoon, he’s picked up under his “care”—or whatever one would like to call it—a rather eccentric literature department girl, and there’s no turning back from that. Once she texts Vincent (not him, because why would he be giving away his phone number like that?)—

[ 2:38 ] Hi Vinny! Can you tell Theo I’ll meet him at the Grove at 4?

he knows he’s got no choice but to follow through with his word.

Unfortunately for him.

(And fortunately for his curiosity.)

It’s the first official day of the book club; the only agenda is to swap books. For the very first book, they’d agreed to read a wildcard from the other, any book they’d want the other to read. He’d considered two possible options—either giving her a book that’s entirely for the joke of it, one that he’s either neutral to or did not particularly enjoy; or giving her a book that’s genuinely interesting to some degree or another. He’d flipped a coin—and gotten tails—so he’s got slung under his arm his copy of Neil Gaiman’s Good Omens.

“Theo! I’m over here!”

She waves from underneath the shade of a tree. Her dark brown hair falls in gentle curls, tied half-up with a ribbon as it always is. She’s wearing a cream top and a long brown skirt, matching with the rest of the place. And she’s even laid a picnic mat down. That… was not part of his expectations. He shakes his head and sighs a little as he heads toward her.

She cocks her head to the side. “What’s with that expression? Don’t want to spend time with me?”

“No,” he answers bluntly, though it doesn’t sound that true.

She laughs the same way Arthur does when he figures Theo out. Theo begins to have a growing dread of what kind of “friendship” he’s building with this girl—and how maybe Arthur had planned all of this to begin with: a partner to bring Theo into misery. “C’mon now, take a seat. It’s a great fall afternoon.”

And true, it is.  It’s still rather early in the season so it’s not too cold, but the campus is already beginning to fill in with the classic fall colors. There’s a wind that’s gently passing by, shuffling the strands of her hair that’s tied half-up rather neatly.

The Grove is, despite its name, not in fact a grove, but rather an open park in the middle of campus, surrounded and dotted by large trees that serve as great shade in the summer and also rather beautiful in the fall. There are benches and tables here and there, allowing it to be a great spot to study for the students, but it truly is a different experience to hang out there with a picnic mat, looking up at the blue sky—whether in the day or at the night. The Grove is also one of the quieter portions of the campus, which, Theo begrudgingly agrees, makes it a good place to hold discussions about books.

“Aren’t we just going to exchange books?” Theo asks, but he’s already heading down toward the very classic red and white checkered picnic mat.

Her voice is undeniably disappointed. “Wait, you were serious about not wanting to spend time with me?”

“Don’t you have anything better to do?”

“Besides make friends? No. It’s a Saturday.”

She’ll be at the bookshop tomorrow again anyway, as she is every Sunday… he could have just given her the book then, and vice versa. Did she invite him all the way here just to… hang out with him?

Oh boy, what did Theo get into? 

“You really should find a better hobby,” Theo says, as he takes a seat a foot away from her on the mat. She’s leaning on her wrists, her arms behind her, looking up at the clear fall sky, watching the clouds. She grins when she hears it but doesn’t turn toward him.

“Did you know,” she begins, “that’s also exactly what Arthur told me when I said it’s probably nice to make friends with you?”

“Arthur says useless stuff a lot of times, but that was the one time you ought to have listened to him.”

She shrugs it off with a laugh before pulling out of her bag a thinly bound volume. “Book exchange?”

They both place the books they’d brought in between both of them. She has offered him a collection of poetry, titled No Matter the Wreckage, by an author named Sarah Kay. He hasn’t read this one. And by the look on her face, as she picks up the Gaiman volume, it seems like she hasn’t read the one he’s brought, either.

“You didn’t seem like the kind of guy who read fantasy,” she comments, as she’s reading the summary on the back page. “Somehow I’m not that surprised though…”

“Gaiman is a good author,” Theo only remarks, hand on the poetry book. “His worldbuilding is rather thorough.” Theo doesn’t read a lot of poetry anymore, but he used to—perhaps this is the time to come back to metaphor and symbol. …Not that business isn’t filled with that stuff as well, all double meanings and reading between the lines. “I’m not surprised you brought me a poetry book.”

“I mean, I’d love if you were to read Les Miserables with me for class, but I figured I wanted something not too aggressive on the brain for this, you know?” she comments. “Why’d you choose Good Omens?”

Okay, he didn’t expect that. But he couldn’t exactly say It was the seventy-fourth one on the shelf, which was the number I got when I ran a random number generator. He answers, instead, “The questions it asks about morality and fate are interesting.”

“I see,” she hums. “I’ve read some Gaiman, but not this one. I’m sure I’ll enjoy it.”

Theo thumbs through the poetry book idly, but not wanting his eyes to land on the poetry yet—he rather enjoys taking his time with books like these. “And why did you choose this one?”

“I like her poetry,” is the simple answer, but when he turns to give her a look, she continues. “The metaphors and symbols aren’t too expansive, too ‘deep’ to unearth, but they give the kind of dreaminess that I like about poetry.”

“That says a lot about you,” Theo snorts, and she pouts at him.

“And your book choice says a lot about you too,” she answers with a grin.

Theo thought he’d want to leave immediately. To hand the book, answer her questions, and then go. Maybe he can catch up and read that Alain de Botton book he didn’t have the heart to finish last week.

But interest had begun to grow in him. He hadn’t had someone so insistent in hanging out with him since he met Arthur. Not that Theo isn’t friendly—he’s part of a few business organizations on campus, although he’s not as active because of work—and he definitely has a handful of friends and acquaintances, but he can just tell it.

That she’s different.

So when she asks him, “Stay with me to read a bit?”, Theo doesn’t even think before he answers, “Okay.”

--

The weeks blur into one another like this. Sundays and Wednesdays, she comes to the bookstore to hang out. Her usual time, too. Arthur’s gotten into joking that maybe her wallet is thanking her now that she doesn’t have to pretend to want to buy something to come, but she does not deny nor confirm this. A lot of the time she does the same things anyway: come in, talk and chat with Arthur and Theo for a bit, and then hide away tucked in between the shelves scouring for books.

And it’s understandable, really, because the Dragon’s Hoard is the bookstore for this campus, after all. None of the other bookstores can compete with it.

If the campus’ most feared and adored physics professor (Isaac Newton) and the campus’ most voracious reader (Dazai Osamu) pledges to the bookstore’s greatness, she has no doubt about it.

(Them being her friends has nothing to do about that. For sure.)

The Dragon’s Hoard is popular on the campus for a few key reasons. One: the students have a discount if they can prove if the books are being bought for class, like in a syllabus or a professor’s official email. It’s not much and depends on what kind of book is being bought, but even a 5% discount on a book worth a month’s rent is already a lot for a struggling student.

Another reason it is popular is that it pretty much has a very actively rotating stock. That is, the books on the shelves constantly change every week, depending on the season or whatever is a hit as of late. (Of course, you can still ask for something in the back, if ever.) Most of the campus bookstores don’t take this much effort in keeping the shelves interesting—or have enough books at all to rotate them—so most of the bookstore connoisseurs (bookstore window-shoppers, really) enjoy coming into the Hoard to browse their books.

But perhaps the most important reason the Hoard is so popular is that the staff are known to be very well-read.

(This is exactly one of the reasons why she’s so interested in getting to drag Theo into a little book exchange.)

Interested in a specific genre but don’t know where to begin? Ask the staff—they’ll have a recommendation for you, tailored to your specific interest. Looking for a book whose plot you vaguely remember but not the title or the author? Ask the staff—they’ll either have it in stock or know it enough to be able to search for it and order it for you. Want to gift a friend a book but don’t quite know what will suit their tastes, and only have the vaguest of clues of what they might like? Don’t worry, ask the staff—they got this.

All of this happens thanks to the skillful eye of the bookstore’s main owner: a rich, middle-aged man who only lets himself be referred to as “Mr. Saint-Germain.” Said Saint-Germain guy is already an urban legend in the campus on his own because of his family’s supposed long history with the university and his silent influence on the school system but—that’s for another time. The thing with Saint-Germain is that he actually comes in to interview potential staff whenever they have a new hire, just to make sure they’re smart enough about books to actually qualify as a staff in the Hoard.

Sure, of course, she knows that Arthur qualified as well, and that’s why he’s in the store with that polo shirt with a dragon embroidered onto it, but—Arthur is different.

She knows Arthur from a class she was taking once; they’d both taken the same literary criticism class and were paired up for a project once. It’s how she got to know that he worked in the bookstore and—well, got to mooch out of his staff discount, sometimes. (“Please, you have to, it’s bigger than the student discount in this case?” “But just once!”) It’s not that Arthur doesn’t have a good literary taste, it’s just…

She feels like it’s a good, non-intrusive way to get to know Theo by reading the books he likes.

And asking him questions about it.

Is that so bad?

#the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart #ikemen vampire #ikevamp theo

[paradisobound]

World’s Greatest First Love: Chapter 7

Summary: Dan Howell wanted a clean break from his father’s publishing company. It was why he applied for a different company in London: to stop the ridicule of his coworkers for riding on his ‘daddy’s coat tails’. But he wasn’t expecting to suddenly be going from a literature editor, to a graphic novel editor. And he certainly wasn’t expecting to come face first with his first love who broke his heart from when he was a teenager: who just happens to be his new editor-in-chief.

Based on the Anime and Manga “The World’s Greatest First Love: The Case of Ritsu Onodera” aka Sekai-Ichi Hatsukoi

Rating: Mature (For Now)

Word Count: 2.3k (this chapter)

Warnings: None

Beta Read by: @phanandpenguins

Updates Every Tuesday 12pm EST and Saturday at 1pm EST

READ ON AO3

Meeting Monika a few days before had put doubts inside Dan’s head. Every time he stepped into the office, the business card she gave him sits perched next to his mug of coffee and he can see it. Every time he goes to get a drink, he can see her name and the words literature department in small print on the bottom.

He should transfer.

But then the thought of transferring doesn’t seem all that appealing to him anymore and when he thinks about it in detail, his head feels like it is swimming. He’s grown so used to working with graphic novels over the last month that it’s hard for him to know whether or not he still wants to go back to editing literature.

It’s 9:30 in the morning and Dan is already having a crisis. He shuts the top of his laptop down and sits back in his chair, rubbing his eyes with palms. His eyes hurt and a headache is quickly taking residence in his temple. He feels like the coffee is no longer strong enough to help his brain fog.

It also doesn’t help that the past few days, all he can think about is Damien walking into Phil’s apartment with that kitten. Dan can still see it in the back of his head and he doesn’t know why it’s bothering him, but it is.

Clearly, Damien has a key to Phil’s apartment but what about the kitten? Did they live together and Dan just never noticed? Are they friends or are they…

The second thought makes Dan’s stomach twist and knot and he shakes his head because he doesn’t like that second thought. But why? He’s not doing anything with Phil, and he has no intentions of doing anything with Phil. So why does the thought of him being with Damien put such a hindrance on his body?

Is it because of Phil’s flirting? Phil’s insistence that they need to talk about the past. Maybe it’s the fact that deep down, when Dan turns his head and sees Phil sitting at his desk, he can vaguely feel the pouring of love into his heart. They’re the same feelings he felt ten years ago.

Dan groans inside his head and stands up from his chair, pushing it in and walking off to get a breather. He needs to maybe go outside for a moment and take in some fresh air. Maybe it’ll help clear his thoughts and rid his headache.

He starts walking down the hall to the elevators and before he reaches them, a hand comes up and grabs his shoulder and jerks him back. He quickly turns to see who just did that when he comes face to face with dark hair and dark eyes and he feels all color leave his face.

“Can I talk to you privately?”

Dan looks at Damien and frankly, he doesn’t know if he should go anywhere privately with Damien. The thought also scares him a bit. But Damien is technically, on a long list of hierarchy, one of his superiors so he knows he should listen if Damien asks him a question.

“Okay.”

Damien motions for him to follow him to an empty room just off the side of the break room and he shuts the door behind them.

“I need to talk to you about Phil.”

Dan cocks his head. What about Phil?

“Excuse me?”

“Listen, I’m not an idiot,” Damien snaps out, “I know who you are.”

Dan stands there, bracing his palms against the table behind him as he tries to steady himself, “I seriously don't know…”

“You have some fucking nerve to come here and work for Phil after what you did to him.”

Dan’s nostrils flared and his body geared up in the fight response he’s been doing for years every time someone mentions Phil, “I didn’t do anything to Phil. He’s the one who broke up with me.”

“I met Phil our first year at University,” Damien says, changing the subject, “and I befriended him because at the time, he needed a friend. He would tell me over and over again about the ‘boy that broke his heart’ or ‘the boy he can’t find’ or ‘the boy who got away’, and I listened to him talk about you for years. Talk about Dan, talk about how he was going to try and find you and reconnect. But you don’t know the hell he went through trying to mend his broken heart. He turned to drinking, sleeping around, to never being able to date. And you know why that is?”

Dan shook his head, slightly terrified.

“Because he could never get over you. You left an indent in his brain like a drug and he couldn’t ever figure out how to shake you. You caused him nothing but stress and pain over the last ten years and I’ll be damned if I let you come in and put him through that all again.”

“There is nothing going on between Phil and I,” Dan says, as stern as his shaking voice will allow him to be.

“So let's get something straight between you and me,” Damien said, ignoring what Dan had just said something. “Stay. Away. From. Phil.”

Dan opened his mouth to retort when the door to the room opened and they both turned to see Phil and a set of authors behind him, waiting to come in. Phil’s face reads one of confusion and Dan is sure his reads something entirely different.

But he doesn’t stay to allow either Damien or Phil to speak up. He pushes past them both and retreats to the bathroom where he proceeds to cry for an unspeakable amount of time. When he comes back out, Phil is sitting at his desk again, and when he looks at Dan, his face changes expression.

Dan knows it’s because he can see how red his eyes are and the tear stains that run down his cheeks. But he ignores the looks from the other editors and finishes going through the storyboard sent by his author.

***

Dan arrives back to his apartment later than he wanted to. But he stopped at Dominos and grabbed a cheap pizza so he could indulge his sadness in plastic tasting cheese and grease. He sets down the large pizza on his coffee table and is just about to fall into a heap on the floor when his doorbell rings.

He groans, quite loudly, as he rolls his eyes and walks back over to his door. He doesn’t even look through the peephole, he just opens the door and is about to ask, “what do you want?” when he sees Phil stood there.

“Oh hey! You’re home,” Phil says, “I have a question about…”

“Listen, Phil, now isn’t a good time.”

Phil furrows his brows but all Dan can think about is the ringing of Damien’s voice in his head over and over again. Stay away from Phil.  

“Is something going on?” Phil asks. “You were upset earlier. That’s exactly what I was going to ask about. I was wondering if you’re doing okay? I know Monika talked to you after the meeting and I guess I wanted to touch base if you were going through something.”

In the hallway, Dan sees people walking behind Phil so on a whim, he opens the door further and lets Phil inside. Phil shuffles inside and Dan shuts the door, “To answer your question,” Dan says, “I’ve had better days. But I’ve got a large pizza I’m about to eat.”

“Are you really thinking about transferring departments?”

The question catches Dan off guard, “You mean going to literature?”

Phil nods.

They walk into his apartment further and take a seat on the floor next to Dan’s pizza. Dan opens the box and grabs a piece and Phil looks at him with puppy dog eyes and Dan caves and lets him grab a slice.

“I liked working in literature,” Dan answers finally. “It was something I really enjoyed at my fa--last publishing company.”

“Dan, we all know that you used to work at your father's publishing company. You don’t have to try and hide that.”

Dan rolls his eyes and continues anyway, “I really liked working in literature. It was something I felt like I was really good at. And although I only worked for my father for a year, it still felt like I gained mass amounts of experience. I even got to edit some big authors too.”

“You’re a good editor,” Phil says between bites of pizza. “You’re really good at what you do. I’m actually really glad that you came to work for me because you are exactly the editor that I needed.”

Dan feels a blush creep on his cheeks. He finishes his slice of pizza and goes to reach for another when Phil does too and it’s suddenly like deja vu all over again. Except this time, they’re not reaching for a book. Their hands touch and briefly, Dan can feel Phil’s fingers drum against his skin. He gasps and goes to pull his hand back but then Phil connects them and their palms are sitting on top of each other.

Dan rips his hand away and looks up at Phil with a stunned face, “You don’t get to do that.”

“I can’t hold your hand?”

“No!” Dan gasps out. “We--there is nothing going on between us so no, you can’t do that.”

“It’s just holding your hand.”

“If you want to hold hands with someone, go hold Damien’s!”

When the words leave Dan’s mouth, he doesn’t even realize the meaning that they hold. Phil stares at him with a clear expression of shock and as soon as Dan sees that, he knows he has fucked up.

“There is nothing going on with Damien and I,” Phil says. “Did he say something to you? Is that why you were in the meeting room with him this morning and why you were so upset? What did he tell you, Dan?”

Dan sat back and rested his back against his couch. He wanted to ignore the question and pretend he didn’t just bring up Damien and suddenly would have to talk about him. He wants to shrug it off but he knows he can’t do that either. Dan looks at Phil, who is waiting for his answer and he says, “Damien told me a bit about you after we broke up.”

“And what exactly did he tell you, Dan?”

“He told me how much of a mess you were,” Dan says, although it comes out as more of a mumble.

Phil lets out a sigh and rolls his eyes, “I want to make something clear to you, Dan.” He pauses. “There is nothing going on with Damien and I. When we were in university together, we had a brief fling but it was nothing more than that. We’re only friends.”

Then why does he have a key to your apartment? Why did he have a cat running out of your door? Why is he being this way?

“I don’t know what Damien told you,” Phil says, “but I never stopped thinking about you. I never stopped loving you. Not once in the 10 years that we haven’t seen each other have I stopped thinking about you.”

Dan lets his head fall back as he fights off the tears threatening to fall. His chest heaves a few times to try and keep the tears at bay and he lets out a few quick breaths to try and help. It works for the most part.

“You laughed at me.”

Dan’s not sure when he speaks but the words come out and he can’t pull them back.

“Wha--what are you talking about?”

“The day we broke up, I went to your house and we had sex and when I asked you what we were and what your feelings were for me, you laughed,” Dan swallows back the tears. “That’s why I slapped you. That’s why I ran.”

Dan doesn’t want to turn his head and face Phil but he does and he sees a look of shock written over Phil’s face as his mouth falls open to process what Dan has said. It’s silence between them. Nothing more is said and in that moment, Dan wants nothing more than for Phil to leave so he have a proper cry because he really needs one right now and he’s not gonna cry in front of Phil.

When Phil finally goes to answer, Dan’s phone starts vibrating erratically on the floor next to them and he reaches down to pick it up. The number on his phone is that of his author and he immediately sits up to answer the call.

She has her next manuscript done and she’s thanking him for the edits. He feels better, hearing that from her directly over the phone and not from an email. He’d met with her once in person but it’s still better to talk over a phone when it comes to discussing her graphic novel.

She begins to speak about how grateful she is for him being her editor and he feels his heart beat a little bit faster at the compliment. He takes it with a smile and really, it’s the first time he’s smiled the entire day--at least that he can recall.

It was really exactly what he needed after such a shit day. That one moment of validation that made it feel like everything he was going through was worth it. The long work days, putting up with Phil and Damien. The constant work cycle that leaves him stressed more than he has ever been.

But in this moment, it’s all worth it. Every single part of it is worth it.

She hangs up and Dan puts his phone away and he looks down to see Phil helping himself to another slice of pizza, “What did she say?”

“She complimented me and told me she was lucky to have me as her editor.”

Phil’s lips curled into a smile, “What a nice compliment, but don’t let it get to your head.”

Dan just shakes his head and sits back down beside Phil, grabbing another piece himself.

“I should get going,” Phil says after he finishes. “But I think we should try and sit down and have another talk.”

“Gonna be honest, mate,” Dan says. “Don’t think I can.”

“But we have to eventually talk about this,” Phil presses. “We can’t ignore the elephant in the room.”

No, but Dan wishes he could.

“I know…”

Phil gets up and walks towards the door but stops before he gets to it and turns back around, “I mean it, Dan, when I say I never stopped loving you.”

He opens the door and Dan watches as it closes and for some reason, it feels like the end of the last chapter and the beginning of the next.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #angst #fluff #first love fic #princesslexi763fics