#that's why I need to keep myself busy

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

whyyyyy are dog people so obsessed with their pet taking a shit...

#im. Confused. bc seriously why! what is it! #we have had this dog for One Full Day and the amount of times #that my stepdad has felt the need to regale me with her using the bathroom on a walk #is. well frankly its Insufferable and i Want It To Stop #like respectfully! affectionately! I Do Not Care! Hush! Cease! Good For Her! None Of My Business! #i am learning so quickly that im solidly a cat person #i do not enjoy having a Wet Beast! dogs are fine when they're not in my house! #me and my cats are like... living in my room now #i almost said Our room. well. that wouldnt be wrong at this point #absolutely unprompted #i can live with snakes i can live with lizards i can live with birds #but dogs? theyre just so much... too much... #sensory nightmares! big and loud and smelly and slobbery and their fur feels weird and theyre so Pushy- #i could handle it if it was a uh... a Sensible dog! #but this is a golden retriever mixed with a samoyed i believe! #that is not a sensible dog thats a 'i will force myself into your personal space' dog #sorry. sorry. im just not very happy with this development lmao #but its not my house not my decision and my stepdad needed an affectionate furry friend #he's happy! good! i can keep my mouth shut about my deep displeasure! #cats are so neat and clean and just sweet little packages of delight... i need to be in a room full of kittens STAT

[not-poignant]

Jesus H Christopher, Pia. Your writing load is insane.

Maybe you should cut back on how many chapters you release for certain stories? Like Stain and Palma (since these stories dont equal income) until UtB the other Underline stories are almost done. Just a thought

Because I feel burnt out just by thinking of writing that much, so I can only imagine how you feel. Please take care of yourself

Hi anon,

TL;DR: My brain is stupid, which is why I can't do this, even though it makes sense and is logical.

Unfortunately the fanfiction is what often makes the original fiction possible, or more enjoyable.

If I lock myself down into too much schedule and rigidity, or if I only focus on writing for money, I actually start to hate writing, even if I love the stories. There is nothing like 'will this earn money, do people like this, would people pay, what if they all decide to stop paying for this, why would they pay for this, would I pay for this, how much would people pay for this, is there any incentive for them to pay for this, actually if I wrote a ton of different tropes maybe I'd make more for this, but that's depressing, but I need the money, shit what do I do, what if I lose my income, what if it all stops tomorrow, I need to write more, I need to write more, I need to write more' that is actually very exhausting and makes writing not much fun at all.

And to deliberately break out of that headspace as much as possible, I write fanfiction. Because that headspace (the one I wrote about above), on its own, even if I'm only writing two stories, can and has led to burnout and depressive episodes. I don't recommend it.

In a way, one of the reasons I can write so many stories right now (ADHD meds aside) is that I am letting myself break out and just have fun with fanfiction, and remember that my original writing is meant to be fun too. But without fanfiction, I lose sight of that very quickly.

Fanfiction means that when an original story chapter does super badly, generally there are still excited comments elsewhere that keep me going. That's how I survived The Ice Plague, and that story would never have been completed without fanfiction, because that was my worst performer of any story I've ever written. It also means if a lot of subscribers leave at once, I don't feel like The Worst Writer In The World. So having fanfiction behind me was like...a literal safety net or my security blanket.

If I have to discard my security blankets or use them less often in order to keep writing the original stuff, I might as well just stop entirely, because my longest hiatuses from Patreon (i.e. one lasted 1.5 years, many have lasted 4-6 months) have been when I'm mostly just writing original fiction, and am not writing much fanfiction, or not deliberately finding time for it, and finally get so stressed out re: money I literally have to stop. I'm on a (partial) Disability Pension.

A long time ago some professional people told me I probably shouldn't be working at all because of my mental illnesses and then paid me money because of the severity of those mental illnesses. My dumbass brain be pretty fragile, actually, and keeps chugging away because I make bad business decisions and write stuff I enjoy instead of writing to market, or doing rapid release, or releasing more novels (or novels). Writing does ironically help when I'm stressed, but not when I'm stressed about making money because of writing.

I will cut at my income before I cut at my love of this job, and unfortunately fanfiction keeps me going in this job, which means I can't really cut at that first.

(Also from a business perspective, it's actually a very good funnel to the original stuff and then subscription. Most of you wouldn't be here if you hadn't read one of my fanfics first and then gave the original stuff a try - I try not to think about that too much because I need fanfic to not be about money, but the fact is, I would not have this career without fanfic).

I do have plans to take two weeks off in January from posting chapters (I can still post rewards in the second half of January) and that's not too far away.

And the reality is that I probably would have kept going okay if real life hadn't imploded on top of everything like the world's worst bukkake party.

#asks and answers #personal #pia on writing #i am not a smart business owner #i'm an emotional fragile mentally ill one #who has to make decisions that keep me wanting to do this job #because at the end of the day #my severe treatment-resistant mental illnesses #do not do well with the pressure of making money #and feeling like a failure #so i need to actually do things that aren't about money at all #to remind myself that i don't need to have a breakdown #over never making a minimum wage #(i'm getting closer though which is probably why this burnout came on) #(i've been pushing a lot harder than normal because... well... i'd like to make #an average income one day) #(i may not be smart enough or well enough to do that) #(but i will keep trying) #i just have to keep trying as someone with a very broken mind #who copes with that brokenness through working hard #breaks are stressful and i have to think hard about what's best

[deercharles]

Starting the new year with trying sth new

#coni.jpg #I'm so embarrassed #anyway here're my first two attempts #to make myself feel better I’m gonna self reflect #and the problem with the first one is it’s too busy and there’s not enough accent colour #I really need to be bold and go for it #and for the second one I hate the shade of yellow and I hv no idea why it changes after I adjust the canvas size #but I’m too lazy to do anything so that’s on me #maybe I should keep the bg white #aiming for y2k landing on 2014 the shame

[bmpmp3]

yumeko..........................................................i gotta catch up on this manga

#art #traditional art #watercolour #fanart #debu to love to ayamachi to! #genuinely really refreshing having a fat woman main character whos like in the middle of a attempted murder mystery story. #ignoring the horrors of her past <3 too busy being a cutie pie who everyone loves #i forgot the english name. my plus size misadventures in love i think? its been a minute #also realized i need to draw more fat characters. im fat myself but i only really know how to like #draw my own fat body type (no hips but a lot of upper stuff going on) without a direct reference orz #(obvs with a direct reference i can draw anyone LOL i miss life model drawing its fun!!) which is a silly roadblock to have #theres so many types of bodies out there. i still need to practice with yumeko here i keep making her cheeks and neck a BIT too small #i will keep at it yumeko. for you. i will capture ur bewitching beauty #but yeah. grabs internalized fatphobia by the throat and throws it out the window. I SHALL PRACTICEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE #if a bunch of my ocs randomly gain weight in the next few weeks u know why LOL

[that-was-anticlimactic]

one of the worst feelings ever is wanting to write but your hands hurt too much or the words just don’t want to work so you just sit there staring at a half finished doc with tears in your eyes bc you want to write and you need to write but everything is telling you that you can’t

#and that you’re a terrible writer and that no one cares aaaaaaand imposter syndrome kicks in and you just feel like crap #bc all your friends have been wriying recejtky so why can’t you??? cause they’re bETTER THAN YOU #lol idk why my head is so bad today #the feelings of inferiority and emptiness and idk worthlessness are strong and i hate it but i can’t stop it #i just wanna write!!! and like what i write!!! #but i Can’t and i haven’t liked anything i’ve written in Months and ugh i hate not being able to d something i wanna do #oh and now i’m crying??? why the frick am i cRYING litetally why is typing this making me Worse #sorry guys needed to rant #the inadequacy was strong today #something something students keep telling me how much they dislike me or how i’m whiny for asking them to be respectful and like #i Know i shouldn’t compare myself to my friends but gosh it’s hard when they’re all like. so much better than me. #and i don’t have a lot of time to be on tumblr bc of work so i just feel like i’m watching everything from afar and it’s no one’s fault but #my brain’s like no one is Doing anything it’s just my brain being dumb and i can’t stand it and I want to stop feeling empty and like i’m #missing a part of myself and like the words i write don’t matter gOD why can’t i just feel happy with where i am and not care what the kids #who hate me say or realize that no one cares that i’m not on much like i’m still Here and trying to interact it’s not like everyone hates me #for being busy or for liking side characters more than the main characters and just— #sorry #that felt good actually #idk what came over me #imma just. imma shower. then maybe delete my tags #sorry if anyone got this far aT ALL grace is either asleep or trying to sleep so i don’t wanna bother them since they slept poorly last nigh #okay done now for real sorry delete tags later sorry if you saw this and how freaking messed up ky freaking brain is

[suddencolds]

~

#not snz #more musings 📝 / mini vent: #not sure why my social battery is so limited 😭 and also so inconsistent #i feel like i can't sustain the amount of... like continued/consistent enthusiasm i see others giving esp in group settings #i just don't know how to engage in that way without burning out #over the past few weeks i've been stuck in like #a strange state where i can't muster the energy to properly respond to even the people i'm most excited to reply to #which is strange?? #(and if that is you i am sorry 😭 i love you and i will get back to you) #i think i can't even like manage to get myself into the mindset of enjoying something for myself (eg. a conversation with a friend) #i think a part of it is the stress from work leeching into my personal life #i feel like i've been working so hard and for such long hours but its the kind of work where the progress i've made is very hard to track?? #:( i just want to be off of ******* work so i can work on ******* work again #i also want to get ahead enough on everything in my life so that i write y+v D: #i feel like i haven't had a properly restful day in weeks... even over the weekend i was busy attending to others' needs #i just want a break from it all... but i dont have enough time to take off... but i dont know how much more of this i can take #i remember also feeling during uni like i was drowning #like there were simply not enough hours in a day to deliver everything i promised. it's such an awful feeling #i just feel defeated. like i've felt exhausted for weeks and weeks on end and like i spend every waking hour working on something or other #but ofc there is nothing to do but to keep at it 😭 other people can handle all of this and more #there are so many people i refuse to let down

[elizabethrobertajones]

I'm actually kind of mad after wearing a knee brace (with patella support!) for 2 days because I just went down for breakfast not wearing it and my kneecap was wobbling loosely in its socket like it's done for years and I could FEEL how wrong it was and just had the biggest "you LIVE like this??!" moment and now i GUESS I am wearing a knee brace every time I go near stairs forever because it turns out it's not ideal if parts of your body have their own plans for every joint movement.

Mobility aids <3

#mad at myself for not even noticing it was weird even though I've known I have the stretchy joints for years now #honestly I need a full like. Scientific observation from behind glass hooked up to machines and doing silly little tasks for science week #please find out what is happening in here #I also got 1 ankle support and out of curiosity slept in it last night #and omg one foot resting upright made me realise how much the other was flat on the bed #when I lay on my back #the same thing that got me diagnosed in the first place #the rheumatologist who'd just told me I don't have cancer because of the bloodwork had me lie down to examine #he took one look at my flat fuck friday feet and like actually yelled in alarm and recoiled #which took some explaining #anyway he poked and prodded me but he already had said 'oh you have hypermobility and it's given you fibro' #this is why specialists also have to keep up with all the other medicines too :P #(i spent a weekend with my medic friend recently and she has Stories oh my god) #(was too busy talking to look at my feet even as I told her I'd dislocated my ankle and knee as we talked XD) #POINT IS I'm very slow to notice things about my condition #I quit chocolate for a year because I worried it was giving me migraines #and was too busy having migraines to notice the chocolate wasn't what gave me migraines

[selkiecoded]

to meee :3 akechi and sumire arent exactly friends throughout january, (they only get really close several years later) but as a side effect of neither having anything better to do and the two constantly haunting kichijoji i think they inevitably fall together more often than not. ren takes sumire out for darts and shes weirdly better than she was last time (sidebar but the fact that sumire and akechi both mimic your throws but sumire sucks shit at darts too much for it to do any good is so cute) and shes like oh yeah akechi-san has been teaching me. oh wow i got a forty! unaware of the way she just blew rens mind.

#the clock chimes at midnight #its not all about you ren!!!!! #sidebar to the sidebar. of course sumire imitates your dart throws. of course. #again theyre too busy fighting for their respective lives in the time loop to actually become friends in january #but i do think in the years before meeting again they think of the time with fond bittersweetness of what couldve been. #theyre not really going out together but more mutually keeping each other company lol. its generally a pretty quiet affair. #sumire doesnt really ask him for advice as she puts herself back together (he tends to get acerbic if she tries) #but he can be a pretty decent sounding board for either really simple (red or blue glasses) #or really philosophical (do you think my time as kasumi irrevocably changed who i am and if so am i still sumire) questions. #he does not tell her anything concrete about why the other thieves are so tense with him and she doesnt ask outright #but she able to glean a bit more about him through these discussions. and sadly for both of them they both actually sort of like each other #they get food. play darts. practice mementos on their own a few times (THEY GET A SHOWTIME STOP LYING TO ME!!). #and i sort of think akechi smokes either hes always done it or very recently picked it up now that he no longer needs to be personable #and sumires like well. im going to remain myself but i still want to do smth self-destructive. smoke me up man. #(also all her clothes smell like kasumi and its freaking her out. she doesnt mind smelling bad if itll distinguish her.) #idk. akesumi smiles gently.

[soryualeksi]

You will be missed so dearly.

It's like a hole has been torn into very structure of the station, and we're all just standing around it reeling from the shock.

It was good to cry with everyone. It was good to put up black ribbons. It will be good to say to curious outside voices, "We are in mourning, please do not badger us."

A man missing forever.

You had the brightest future ahead of you. You would have risen to be one of the greatest. You already were for us.

I will miss you dearly. We weren't personal friends, but we were colleagues, and I will forever cherish every minute I got to work with you. Your dry humour was the highlight of many a day. Your work ethics set an example I want to follow. You lived and breathed medicine, you were loyal, 100% dependable at all times, smart, diligent, literally wise beyond your years - what do you mean, I was a DECADE your senior?? Also the absolute funniest person around, no contest. Driest humour. Wittiest comments.

I wanted to listen to you talk more and I wanted to learn from you more. I can't believe I won't get to.

You were indispensable, and I think that hole in the structure will remain. We'll learn to live with it. With something being blown out in a blast. It's good to clear the rubble together, I think this helps.

I'm crying again.

Rest in peace.

#mourning #death cw #soryuchan's personal issues #maybe this sounds overly dramantic but when you work what we do your colleagues become your comrades in arms become your family of sorts #also that might be my personal hangups but it was so validating that grown men could just openly cry and sob and hug without judgement #it's good to mourn together #better would be not having to mourn at all #i can't believe this #also my heart goes out to the station chiefs who had to keep it a secret for several hours to prepare a less chaotic announcement #they pretended business as usual and i was only wondering WHY one of them seemed so curt and angry on the phone with me #turns out it wasn't anger at me at all but someone trying not to break down shouldering the responsibility of no chaos breaking out #it's good i was sick in bed when the announcement came bc i know myself. i would have put the car off the road in shock probably #damn why why why why why i can't believe this #also very validating to share the feeling of 'no I'm fully expecting the car door to open and him jumping out right now' #honestly it's so good to have someone to mourn with #daaaaamn this is all so unfair #going through the motions of posting my remaining whumptober stuff for formality's sake now #but then i will need a break from everything

[transgaysex]

also whats a guy gotta do for people to stop asking me why i have the code to the elevators meant for personnel and disabled students to use. like why is it that twice now staff from the college ask me "Umm why do you have the code to the elevator?" buddy if im not also staff then ill give you one fucking guess.

#wind howls #why is is that its only fine for me to have the disability resources if im visibly disabled. #do i have to find my cane and start using it at school so they may leave me alone even though i dont need to use it ? #do i have to make myself a pin or write on my backpack 'i have the elevator code because im fucking disabled stop asking me why' #even if i werent a student and i was just given the code or just found it out. what are you gonna do ? have disability services change it ? #they already change it every month ! its so fucking whatever ! leave me alone stop asking me why i can use the elevator ! #like what am i supposed to do. #should i just tell disability services if they can arrange for staff to get some . sensitivity training so they stop asking dumb questions #or whatever im just so sick of it. i have the elevator code and ill keep having it and its nonya business and i hope you die.

[binders-and-beanies]

I *need* more socialization that isn’t related to work and isn’t forced and draining but also if I don’t get time to myself soon I’m gonna mcfreaking lose it (guy who has mcfreaking lost it)

#i neeeed to be by myself sometime Please I cannot keep doing this #I don’t even care if the only alone time I get for the rest of my life is to work I just wanna do my work #also if I’m gonna be around people 24/7 imma need them to stop making me feel stupid just for like. existing in places I’m required to be #girl I want to be home and this is why #I hate what being busy has turned me into tho like I used to Love and crave being around people #and now the thought of seeing just about anyone makes me Mad!! and fills me w dread and reminds me how tired I am #mine #txt #personal #vent post

[velvetcloxds]

i miss being a teacher’s assistant and working with my babies and doing what i love and working towards something good

#feels like i am mourning a piece of myself #which is dramatic #but i went from a girl with purpose to a girl without it #and working for my parents was the worst idea ever #don’t know why i allowed myself to fall back into that #my mom needs me #meanwhile i am in the middle of a shouting match the whole day while trying to manage nothing but admin #i promised myself i would be better at seeing positive in negatives this year #but my wordddd #if this is a test i am falling terribly #got yelled at by my dad and then my mom and then my brother and then a random 19yo all in one day #and literally i am just trying to get through every day and keep my parents from killing each other in the process #and keep their business afloat doing their work while their losing their minds #*they’re #monique rants

[whippetcrimes]

Misty is driving me absolutely crazy trying (and too often succeeding) in eating chicken poop. It was beautiful yesterday. I needed to not think about current life events. I spent basically all day outside doing garden prep. When Misty was done, let the chickens free range

Now, today, very pretty again. A certain puppy is going to be banished to the indoors if she keeps hunting for poops. No amount of leave its will save me. They've never worked on chicken poops. On the brightside, she does recall every time I tell her to come... but goes right back to the scene of the crime

Literally going back to the chickens even though I just said no and recalled her

#ive been seeing someone who's really into gardening and outdoor plants and I'm an indoor plant person #who struggles significantly with outdoor plants. somehow? im not really sure why im so bad at gardening #but you know. newish relationship. the desire to impress is present #meanwhile the bf is like. are you going to be able to maintain this and do things with misty and also maybe get a puppy this year?? #and also setting up a little greenhouse to expand my houseplant hobby....... #all i know for sure is. im making myself very busy #the grief is. heavy. funeral the weekend after next. i think itll just keep coming in waves #anyways anyways. enough rambling. #lure coursing this weekend so i need to be good and get Misty's nails dremelled down #with everything happening it hasn't even been on my radar #shouldve said yes when the vet offered to trim them...

[pigeon-splice]

im back to doing this

i'm really really obsessed with little talks, the song. like a lot. also i just really like this image. its a pleasant day at the beach and there's a house in the ocean for some reason

For this one i tried to use only the default dry brushes. i only use the same 5 brushes even if they dont work for my purpose and maybe i need to find brushes that do things that my favorite brushes dont do

also for bd2 anni i'm going to take it easy and do something just with a boat so this was good practice

I'll be back with another one of these real soon. Its of the Gambler because its a cover that also i really like.

#also my husband is out of town so i need to keep myself busy or else i'll get very sad #also i apparently have adhd. i'm not joshing i got the piece of paper with the official diagnosis a week ago #and that whole process and implications was/are stressing me the fuck out which is why i have not been painting #but im back and im going to try to take better care of my mental health ;_;

[creativebrainrot]

i keep dreaming of brighter dawns then scaring myself and backtracking wondering if im spending nights dimly lit when i could be filling them with warmth right now, do you know what i mean?

#'when i have more time' #'when im not so busy' #'when im not so tired' #when do i stop saying that before i start living now? #i could message my friends now. i could share my stories now. i could start a schedule and share my art now #I could just talk to you Now. #I could just love you. now. in the present. #why not send you every little idiot thought i have thats barely related to you? #isnt that why we're alive? #i get like this when its late + this isnt aimed at any one person in my life im more just musing #on the way i carry myself through life right now #i need to try and abandon setting prerequisites that dont need to be there #there is no bar to pass to talk with a friend or a loved one if theyre truly worth your time in my eyes you know? #i shouldnt have to be Good Enough beyond trying my best same as you are #we're all good enough so long as we keep trying #rambling

[tvrningout-a]

i should've switched to writing original stuff ages ago bc i could've been overcoming writer's block if i did :' )

#connecting mine and vee's lore in written form is something i've wanted to do forever bc i love love love gaia and kaiya's relationship!! #but i had a mental block towards bio's for... man i dunno how long tbh #i always got really stuck with them which is why i started doing bullet points where i could jot down all my thoughts #but i should have just?? been unafraid to write lengthy bio's i think #and then i could've done fun stuff like this way earlier!! without feeling stuck and slow!! #like honestly i don't even care about the people who won't bother to read my bio's bc those probably aren't the people who will #end up writing with me #i always avoided lengthy bio's bc i didn't wanna inconvenience someone #but how is it inconveniencing if i'm trying to make something interesting and enjoyable to read? #how is it inconveniencing if i'm just?? writing about my muses?? it's silly to water down my creativity and i'm sorry i did it now #now pls know i can give you the tldr on any of my muses bio if you need it asdfgh but i'm gonna just!! do what's fun for me from now on #that's gonna be a very important rule i need to enforce for myself with this blog move #no more doing things that make it harder for myself bc i'm worried about other people #there needs to be a balance and that's what i'm gonna keep in mind going forward uvu #so sorry for the rant oh my gosh asdfgh i just got to thinking and truly my writer's block has not bothered me with dorverold stuff #like it has in the past for other things and i think it's how i've approached writing and world building aka not worrying about length #if i'm struggling it's because i'm tired or busy #ANYWAY ASDFG i promise i'm going to bed now :' ))) good night!! #get ready to ramble | ooc