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cruecifymesixx · 5 years

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Love and Leather /part thirty sixx/

Word Count: 5.9k

A/N: I don’t have much to say for this one! Just enjoy and let me know what you think! :)

Warnings: drugs, language, alcohol, angst, childhood traumas being expressed

Taglist: @brideofdraculana, @xstarryeyes, @aryssav, @miserablecunt, @dangerous-like-a-loaded-pistol, @inthebackofmycarlaytheirbodies, @fandomshit6000, @anntheboneless, @venus-calum, @justjodeye, @supernaturalvikingwhore, @are-we-real, @hi-my-name-is-riley, @extremesadnerding, @thatbandchick39, @awkwrdcait, @countrygirlswonderland, @dillightfulpickle, @baiabouk, @awesomealmostdopestudent, @martabastic, @romanticvengeance, @tashy-bear, @krazykatkay456, @terror-triplet, @shouttatthedevill, @rodriguez025, @kickstart-myheart-sixx, @s-outhie, @anxious-diabetic, @awkwardblackgirls, @motlycrue, @brooklyn-antiques, @shamelessobsessions, @jerseytaint, @lilytalebi, @criminalyetminimal, @motley-queen, @trapt-in-a-dream, @lunamadhatter99, @broke-n-bitchy @thanks2pete, @slowandangry, @lovesick-heart0, @keepcalm-and-beyou, @miriampraez, @teenwolflover28, @lilyhw1, @swoopygorl, @motherloovebone, @random-internet-user-4471, @falcon-arrows, @talranocchia2001, @wheresmyvodkabitch, @waywardprincess666, @nikkisixxsixxsixx, @iluvmesomemarvelndc, @marvelismylifffe, @zoenicoles, @pfft-halsey, @vamprlestat, @supersoldierballerina, @primal-screamer, @electradestiny, @marshbev, @n0-sh0rtage-0f-faults @ggorehorror, @valentines-in-london, @miss2001babe, @nassauartist, @emmaelizabeth2014, @cmft-jr-winchester

I lounged around the pool, feeling a shadow block the sun rays I was soaking up, “What?” I spoke out harshly.

“Lose that tone with me.” I took off my sunglasses as Loretta hovered over me with a phone in her hand as she handed it out for me to take.

“Nope, I’m not fucking talking to him. I don’t care what you have to say about it either.” I snapped at her, putting my sunglasses back on. She was quick to take them off and toss them into the pool.

“Loretta! What the fuck!” I groaned, sitting on the edge of the chair as I glared up at her.

“It is Tommy. He’s been calling for the last hour, I’ve told him you haven’t been home all day, now you’re answering it cause he’s getting desperate.” Loretta explained to me.

I sighed, Tommy wants me to come to the wedding but I just can’t do it. I can’t go there and face Nikki. I can’t fucking do it. I won’t do it.

Loretta waited for my answer, I cursed under my breath as I took it.

“Tommy?” ‘Oh Vanity! It is so good to hear your vo- “What do you want Tommy?” I snapped at him, hearing him sigh.

‘Are you coming to the wedding?’ He asked defeated, “T-bone, I love you so much, but I’m not coming.” I heard him moan in dissatisfaction.

‘Really? Just cause of Sixx? Fuck him, I want you at my wedding. You’re my best friend.’

“Well maybe you should of kept your terror twin in fucking check!!!” I shouted at him.

‘Please, T-bone, just let me talk to her.’ I heard Nikki’s voice in the background, ‘I need to hear her voice, please.’ I covered my mouth to keep my sobs in. Even if I wasn’t talking to him, I could hear the hoarseness in his voice which led me to believe he wasn’t doing well.

‘Vanity, please...I know you hate him and don’t want to see him. Forget him. Please? I want you there, it wouldn’t be the same without you. I’ll personally make sure he stays away from you.’ Tommy continued as he tried to convince me.

‘It’s been a month, don’t you think you should come home?’ Tommy questioned me, “I don’t know if I want to come home, T-Bone.”

*Tommy’s POV*

‘He’s ruined Los Angeles for me. I can’t stand it. Having to fucking see him and hear about him.’

Vanity explained as Nikki and I listened to her on speaker. I watched Nikki’s expression change as he quickly put his head on the table.

“Just let me talk to her, I’ll fix it.” Nikki whispered to me, “Fuck you, Sixx. You’ve done enough.” I retorted at him as we heard her sigh.

‘Is he doing okay?’ Vanity sounded like she hated herself for asking. “Don’t worry about him. Will you come or not? Do I have to prepare myself to see an empty seat where you should be sitting?”

‘Tommy, stop making me feel guilty. I’m sorry.’ Vanity groaned, I could tell she was crying as she kept sniffling. I glared at Nikki as he just stared at the phone, hanging on to her every last word.

“Just please think about it, it’s all I ask.” I begged her, ‘I’m not promising you anything.’ I smiled to myself, “That’s fine, Princess. Just give me a call whenever you decide. I’ll talk to you later.”

‘Bye Tommy.’ Vanity said before she hung up the phone. I glared at Nikki, “What? I stayed quiet like you asked.”

“Yeah, barely! She knew you were listening! She doesn’t want to come back home because of you!” I shouted at him as he just stared at me with an empty look in his eyes.

“I just, I don’t know how to apologize to her. She’s heard every excuse of mine already.” Nikki exasperated as he opened up a bottle of beer and took a swig.

“Maybe mean the apology for once. Honestly Sixx, I’m surprised she stuck around as long as she did. I think she’s gonna be the one that got away.” I explained, lighting up a cigarette as I blew the smoke towards him.

“I’ll win her back. She just needs to be mad for a little bit and work it all out in that pretty little head of hers.” Nikki replied, “I don’t know man. She was pretty fucking pissed. She threw your shit from the second floor and gave you back that bracelet.” I said pointing at it as he hasn’t taken it off since we left Dallas a month ago.

“You don’t know her like I do.” Nikki got defensive, as I put my hands up, “You’re right Sixx, I don’t know her like you do. But she’s told me a lot of things as well.”

“You should tell her you love her.” I added on, Nikki was quick to shake his head, “No. Fuck no. She’s timid about that stuff. She’ll fucking run. No, absolutely fucking not. I’m not telling her Jack shit.”

“She barely just fucking admitted it’s getting complicated between her and I. We were fuckin’ making out and she just said it, I couldn’t tell if she was afraid of it or not. But I think she is.” I listened as Nikki vented, if it kept a needle out of his arm and his head clear then so be it.

“Well of course she’s afraid, look at everything you’ve done too her. Maybe she’s not even scared of love, she’s probably just scared of loving you.” I rolled my eyes, putting the cigarette in the ash tray as he stared at me.

“Vanity is full of love and hope and sunshine just like I am. She’s not scared of love, Nikki. She’s scared of you.” I repeated myself. That’s a good one, I’ll have to write that down.

Nikki furrowed his eyebrows, “I wouldn’t hurt her.” I let out a laugh, “Are you fucking kidding me? That’s all you’ve done to her Nikki! God, now you know why I side with her at times.” I shook my head standing up to leave his house.

“I gotta get back to Heather...don’t do anything crazy.” I warned Nikki half jokingly as I left.

*Vanity’s POV*

I walked into my room after just getting back home from going out to the bar with Greyson. My shoes weren’t even kicked off yet when the landline started ringing. I stared at it, hoping it would stop, but it continued until it whoever it was hung up.

I walked into my bathroom, washing off the make up and stripping down, it began ringing again. I rolled my eyes. I knew who it was already, I didn’t need to guess...the constant pestering was a dead giveaway.

I continued brushing my teeth as I listened to the ringing, “Would you answer it already! It’s three in the morning!?” Sage startled me as she pushed my bathroom door open.

“Sorry..” I said quietly as she rolled her eyes before leaving.

The phone began ringing again, I quickly grabbed it on its third ring, “Hello?” I said annoyed.

‘Doll, just listen to me. Don’t hang up, please.’ Nikki was on the other end, ‘Please, just let me explain, you don’t have to say anything just...listen.’

I stayed quiet as he started talking, ‘Please just come to the wedding. I will stay away from you, I’ll do whatever you want. But don’t put T-bone in the middle of this. He just wants you there, he loves you and he wants you to be apart of a special day.’

“Tell him, I’ll be there. Bye. Don’t call me again.” ‘Vanity, wai-‘ I quickly slammed the phone down as I hung up, only for him to call again immediately.

“Oh you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” I spoke to myself before grabbing it, “What the hell could you possibly want, Nikki? Hm? What more could you fucking say to me?” I berated him.

‘Vanity, just let me apol-‘ “I don’t want an apology Nikki! I am over your half assed apologies!” I shouted at him as I heard him exhale.

‘Baby.’ He spoke softly, if I was standing in front of him he was probably smirking, and giving me that stupid gaze where he’s just reading right through me, “Don’t call me that.” I snapped, “You don’t get to call me that!”

I cut him off as he started talking, “Let me guess, you’re high right now. Whatever girl you probably had over just left, and now you want to try and sweet talk me. Right? That’s what we’re doing?” I bit on my lip as he stayed quiet.

I shook my head, how was I suppose to go to Tommy’s wedding and deal with Nikki at the same time?

“Exactly, Nikki. I’m serious. Don’t call me again.” I warned him before putting the phone down. I stood over the phone waiting for it to start ringing but it never did. That’s good, right?

I crawled into the middle of my bed, thinking about him. Oh, how I fucking hate him. And how much I hate myself for thinking I hate him when I don’t. I cleared my dry throat as I wiped the tears out of my eyes. I hated how he makes me feel every single emotion my body produces. I also hate how I feel physically sick without him next to me. I needed him like he needed ten cc’s of heroin.

*A few days later, Wedding Venue*

I took off my sunglasses as I walked into the building. I hurried to the back entrance, hearing a violin begin to play. I had spent maybe twenty minutes too long trying to decide if I should walk in here or drive away. I loved Tommy to death, but I couldn’t deal with Nikki at my heels, trying to get me to forgive him. I couldn’t fucking breathe. I tried swallowing the lump in the back of my throat. It was just an addition to the knots in my stomach.

I was quick to find an empty chair in the back. I looked over at the ocean. I wasn’t surprised that Tommy had picked a nice spot, he’s such a romantic. Vince was the first to notice me as he sent me a wave, I quickly motioned for him to stop.

It wasn’t that hard to do as him and Mick had to pretty much carry Nikki down the aisle as he was slouched over and probably couldn’t pass a sobriety test. I sighed as I ran a hand through my hair, I hope he didn’t ruin this for Tommy.

*Nikki’s POV*

“I’m fine..I’m fine.” I whispered to them as I leaned against Mick to stand up straight. Maybe I shot up a little too much this morning.

As I watched Tommy walk down the aisle my eyes found Vanity. God, did she look fucking beautiful. I found myself staring at her for longer than I would like to admit. She looked amazing. Her hair was curled and her make up was done to the nines. And god damn, that fucking dress hugged every curve she had. Man, how I wish she would let me rip it off and fuck her until things were better between us. Not sure how well that would go over, though.

I noticed Tommy’s glare as he got closer to me, he knew I was strung out at his wedding. I just couldn’t help myself, I needed a fix earlier. My nerves were way to high for me to control. I couldn’t wait to get out of here so I could get wasted alone with no one around to judge or get me to stop. I knew it was getting out was getting out of hand. I stood up straighter with the help of Mick as Heather started walking towards us.

*Vanity’s POV*

After the ceremony finished, I was the first one to clap as well as the first one to try and leave. I was almost scott free until I heard Tommy’s joyful voice calling out for me, “Shit...” I mumbled to myself as I turned around to see him. A dorky smile on his face and he dressed in a horrendous white tuxedo.

“Tommy...I was just going to use the bathroom.” I explained as T-bone rolled his eyes at me.

“Oh right, so it didn’t look like you were trying to sneak out, right, right.” Tommy’s voice was condescending as I looked up at him.

I gave Tommy a weak smile, his big brown eyes were making me feel guilty, “T-bone, I came. I told you I would, but I am leaving. I’m not staying for the party.” I said, my eyes quickly diverting to Nikki as he stumbled his way over to us with Vince and Mick trying to keep him back.

“I ain’t gonna do anything stupid.” He glared at them before almost bumping into a display of white roses, “Well, well the princess has graced us with her presence.” Nikki rambled before taking a sip of his beer, “You look nice.” I exhaled as I tried to ignore him

“Everything was wonderful T-bone. I give you and Heather my best wishes, I’ll be sending your present in the mail when I get back home.” I explained as he gave me a light head nod. I stood up on my tip toes while giving him a peck on the cheek. I smiled at Mick and Vince before leaving.

“Vanity...wait, just wait.” I heard Nikki call out after me, and soon his hand was wrapped around my elbow. I quickly broke his grip by pulling away from him, “I’m not doing this right now, Nikki.” I retorted, continuing to walk away from him.

I heard him trip behind me, “I know, I know you don’t. I know. I, I wanted to apologize for your birthday. I really shouldn’t of said those things and done what I did, I am sorry.”

I stopped and turned around to face him, “I don’t care if you’re sorry Sixx, you fucking hurt me yet again. I don’t care if it’s the drugs or not, you embarrassed me in front of everyone I’ve ever known.” I snapped at him, as he took a step away from me.

“Well maybe if you didn’t mouth off I wouldn’t of snapped like that.” Nikki explained as I let out a scoff, laughing as I raised my hand up as a signal for him to stop talking.

“So now it’s my fault? Huh. Why am I not surprised that you’re turning it around on me?”

Nikki looked flustered for words, “Shit, no. No.” He recollected his thoughts as he pressed the beer bottle to his lips, “It’s not your fault. It’s my own. I shouldn’t have went to go find some junk, I just, I really need it. But I should’ve waited. I wouldn’t have messed up and humiliated you.”

I rolled my eyes, “And yet you’re fucked up again? But at Tommy’s wedding? Are you trying to make everyone as miserable as you are?” I cackled, making him glare at me, “I’m not fucking miserable.”

I tilted my head to the side, raising an eyebrow as I read through his bullshit, “Now you’re just lying to me Sixx.” I smirked back in his face.

It was quiet between us for a moment as he stared down at the tile flooring. I let out a sigh as I looked him over. He was pale, sickly almost. He had dark circles around his eyes. I felt bad for him, “Thank you for apologizing.” I said quietly while avoiding his gaze when he looked up at me.

“I said sorry, but I have shit to do.” Nikki said, loosening up his tie as he turned his back towards me and began walking away

I couldn’t believe this arrogant asshole, “Hey, we aren’t finished here Nikki. Don’t walk away from me.” I was quick to follow after him, but he didn’t stop.

“What? Walk away like you always fucking do? Guess you don’t like it either.” He expressed his anger, muttering under his breath as he walked into a lounge I think all the boys were using.

“I do not walk away..” I said quietly, I knew I did. I did it more then I would like to admit.

“I don’t want to the hear the shit you gotta say to me, we are fucking finished talking!” He shouted, still not facing me as he grabbed that same cherry oak box he kept everything in when he was traveling.

I quickly snatched it away from him, “Vanity! I swear to fucking god, if you don’t stop.” Nikki warned, finally facing me. “We aren’t finished! I am not done with you! Don’t make me the bad guy! I’ve done nothing wrong to you!” I yelled back at him, as he laughed in my face.

“Of course not. Wouldn’t want your perfect image tainted, now would we prom queen?” He growled before taking the box away from me and putting it on the table.

“Did I not let you come on tour with me? Did I not let you sleep in my bed almost every night? Good food, drugs and alcohol? I gave you all of that! Let you pull me into random rooms so I can fuck you and leave you begging for more! Begging for me! I’d fucking do anything for you, Vanity!” Nikki shouted at me, lowering his face and pointing in mine.

“But fuck me, right? It’s still not good enough, right? Fuck you, Van. Making me get god damn I feelings I can’t shake off.” A slight gasp rolled off my tongue.

“You’re either blind or fucking stupid if you can’t see it.” He finished his monologue, as I fumbled with my fingers. I couldn’t look at him.

“Nikki it’s not even like that, I appreciate everything you’ve done for me and allowing me to travel with you.” I spoke softly, knowing I was walking on egg shells if I said anything to piss him off.

“Nik...I’m not trying to lead you on. I know how you feel about me, I’m not stupid. You don’t have to tell me what you feel because I already know. But Nikki, I cant-“

“I doubt you’re even able to care about someone other than yourself. You’re too busy finding flaws so you can leave.” Nikki cut me off as I shook my head, “No, that’s not tru-“

“I’ve shown you everything about me and you’ve showed me nothing. I’ve wasted years chasing you in a never ending loop, and I get nothing in return. It’s like I barely even know you.” Nikki stated, running his hand through his messy raven hair.

I stepped closer to him, cupping his jaw as we both looked straight into each other’s eyes, “Nik, you know everything about me. More than anyone on the face of this planet.” I saw his eyes watering in front of me, I couldn’t stand that I made him feel this way. I never wanted it to get to this point.

“Having a girlfriend would completely ruin your image, Nikki.” I explained as he pulled away from my touch, “My image?! You think I give a fuck about my image!? That’s just one of your lame ass excuses to run!”

Nikki forcefully gripped my hips as he pulled me to him, “Why the fuck would I care about my image?! I have everything that I can ever want and do whatever for the rest of my life. Half the crap I don’t even fucking need. I just want you!”

He roughly pressed his lips against mine. His hands found themselves entangled in my hair, I groaned into his mouth as he nipped at my bottom lip. I tasted every drop of alcohol and sorrow Nikki had in his system. He broke the kiss, keeping his forehead against mine.

“Please, just say you want me too.” Nikki mumbled, giving my lips a tender kiss. “I know I’m nothing but a rockstar junkie, but I also know how happy I make you.”

My head turned to the door when Mick and Vince walked in, “Ah, shit man. We’re sorry.” Vinny said to us as Nikki looked like he was about to lash out at any moment.

“I need to go.” I said, breaking away from Nikki’s grasp, “Van, Vanity. Please don’t leave me.” He begged as he followed me outside.

“Shit, no why are you crying?” Nikki asked, grabbing a hold of me as he made me look at him, “Baby, please don’t go. Just stay with me.” Nikki tried to persuade me, “We can have a few drinks, maybe dance if you want.” Nikki said, wiping away my tears with his thumb.

“I need to go.” I repeated myself as I reached for the car door, but Nikki kissed me again. He pinned me against my car and his body. I pulled away from Nikki and turned my head to the side so he couldn’t try again.

“Fine, go if you need too. But come over to my house later and we can finish, because we aren’t done.” Nikki demanded as he held the car door open for me. I got in swiftly as I started the car up. I closed the door as he tapped on the window.

“What?” I said, rolling it down without looking at him, “Are you gonna show up? Or should I not even bother?” I closed my eyes as he asked me that, I didn’t fucking know.

“Let’s see how I feel later.” I told him, he let out a sigh as he walked away from my car, kicking the rocks on the ground as I watched him through the side mirror.

*Nikki’s house*

I found myself sitting outside Nikki’s gated house, “Fucking idiot, Van. You shouldn’t be here.” I mumbled to myself as I had my head rested against the steering wheel. I looked up and saw his car parked out front. I pressed the buzzer and waited for the gates to open. I tapped my finger against the steering wheel as I was becoming impatient.

“Let’s go, Nikki.” I said jamming my finger into the button again. I saw a light flicker on in an upstairs window, but I still wasn’t allowed through the gates.

“Always making things fucking difficult.” I grumbled, undoing my seatbelt and turning the car off. I stepped out, slamming the door I might add.

I quickly scaled the gate and landed on the other side as I walked up his drive way.

I went straight for his door, but ran into it when it didn’t open. That’s was strange, he never locked it. I didn’t bother knocking as I immediately went for where he kept a spare key. Under a flower pot with a budding pink rose bush I made him get to lighten the place up a bit.

The dark oak door eerily creaked open. It was pitch black in his house. I felt along the wall for the light switch as it illuminated a thin layer of residual cigarette smoke.

I held onto the railing as I walked up his stairs, I saw a dim light coming from his bedroom...but also the faint sound of a woman’s voice. I swear to god, if I walk into his room and I find him fucking some girl, I am done with him.

I grabbed his door knob, twisting it and then pushing it open. I opened my eyes and saw him laying in the middle of his bed, clutching one of his dark red pillows as he trembled underneath it. I hesitantly stepped closer to him feeling confused, but also worried.

His eyes were wide before he acknowledged I was there. He jolted up to a sitting position when he saw me, “What- this isn’t a good time.” His voice was hoarse as I saw that his cheeks were wet and his eyes were puffy.

“Yeah, clearly.” I responded sarcastically as I noticed syringes and bottles scattered around his nightstand and dresser.

I turned my attention to where the woman’s voice was coming from, it was a voicemail being played over and over:

‘Frankie, pick up the phone. Why won’t you just talk to me? Can’t we just work things out? I worry about you all the time, and you haven't called back since Christmas. Just like your own father, always running from me and pushing me away. I cant believe you treat me like this, your own mother! I should have never let Tom and Nona God rest her soul, ever take you away from me.’

My heart dropped when I heard her voice and the message began to play in a continuous loop. I quickly unplugged it from the wall to save him the trouble. I ran my nails through my hair as he just stared at it.

I sat down on the edge of the bed next to him, “Nikki, don’t you listen to her. She doesn’t deserve to know you.” I was gentle with my voice as I looked at him.

“She’s fucking right, I run from everything chasing the light at the end of the tunnel.” His eyes water up as a sob slipped out, “I’m worthless. I’ll only be famous and missed when I’m dead and gone.”

I shook my head in disapproval. I removed the pillow he was gripping and took one of his hands in mine as I placed it in my lap, lazily tracing the vein that ran under his skin, “Don’t talk like that, you aren’t worthless and you mean so much to everyone around you, Nik. She doesn’t know a single thing about you.”

I felt his hand shaking under mine as he gripped it tight, “I fucking hate her.” Nikki weeped. I took his hand and placed a kiss on it, letting my free hand brush the tears away for him. He was burning up.

“I know you do. But look at all the hate you’ve turned into wonderful songs that everyone loves.” I tried getting him to look at the brighter side of things, “You’re Nikki fucking Sixx, man. Everyone loves you.” He didn’t find me funny as he glared at me, finally letting me see his tear soaked face.

“No they fucking don’t, everyone-” He stopped himself as he kept staring at me, “I could never be enough for anyone not even you.”

And there it was. The moment I try to be there for him, he turns it around and starts being an asshole.

I stopped holding his hand, shoving it off of me as I stood up and faced him. His eyes followed my every move, “Stop saying that! You are just assuming things! Never have I once said that you aren’t good enough!” I yelled, getting to the point of being fed up with him.

“Its fucking true!” His eyes piercing through me, “I could write all the songs to tell you how I feel and it wouldn’t be enough. I could try to help with Deanna and it wouldn’t be enough!”

I rolled my eyes “Don’t put your fucking mommy issues on me Nikki! You’re a grown ass man whose more then capable of working through your problems but you choose to hide behind a fucking needle.”

“Get the fuck out.” I shook my head at his statement, “I don’t need to hear what I tell myself every day, so fuck off.” His voice was filled with irritation and misery.

“So you’re just gonna runaway and prove her right? Just push me away when I’m trying to be here for you? And you say I walk away all the time.” I sat back down on his bed as he laid down and stared up at the ceiling.

“You have people to come back to, you have a family you’ve always had a family.” He stopped himself as he cleared his throat.

“You walk away a lot, but you always come back. You have people to come back too. I walk away and nobody comes looking for me. You have a family, Van. You’ve always had a family.” Nikki explained, sounding rather apprehensive, my eyebrows furrowed as I looked over at him.

I sighed. “Is this why you acted the way you did at my party? Nikki you have a family within the band, you have people to go too.” I reassured him but I saw him shake his head.

“They can’t stand me. Tommy can only take so much of my shit because he loves me like a brother. Mick avoids me unless I’m doing something wrong and Vince likes me better on drugs.” Nikki described it as I shook my head yet again.

“That’s not true Nikki. I’ve seen the laughter and the love you guys have for each other with my own eyes.” I attempted to comfort him but I knew nothing I’d say would would work.

“You had cake and presents even now at twenty six years old. I never did. Not even with Tom, I mean Nona did sometimes when they could afford it.” I felt my heart sank. I knew they weren’t reasonable excuses, but unintentionally I rubbed everything in his face without a thought.

“Cake and presents are overrated. I would’ve been fine getting drunk with Tommy, joking around with Mick about Vince and just making out with you.” I saw his lips curl into a smile before it disappeared, as if it never even happened, “That was all my moms doing. You were right Nikki, I can’t stand half the people that were there. That party wasn’t for me, it was for my mom. I can’t even tell you the last time I conversed with the people that were there. Majority of them didn’t even go to my dads funeral.”

“But your parents are so fucking proud of you. All your achievements and trophies you had in your room and that were scattered around the house. And all the pictures with the wonderful memories, I didn’t get to have that.” Nikki continued to express his under lying jealousy of what I have been privileged to have.

I scoffed, “Sixx, my achievements and awards don’t matter anymore. Do you know how much my parents pressured me to get good grades in school? I couldn’t bring them anything less then an ‘A’. They had me on such a high pedestal, it’s ridiculous. It wasn’t all fun and games in my childhood either, Nikki. As much as you probably think it is.”

"You still had a mom and dad, they cared. They wouldn’t just leave you, their overbearing ways was because they cared. Deanna was a drunk and could never do anything right.” I shook my head.

“Nikki, my parents were always leaving me and Greyson behind with Loretta. They finally stopped when Sage was born. They weren’t around that much either as they both flew around the country and globe for the company. They suffocated me and him with toys and unfulfilled promises of ‘oh we will be home soon’ or ‘we will call later.’ “ I explained to him as he perched himself up on his elbows and stared at me. I think my childhood trauma made him feel better about his.

“Really?” He seemed surprised, I rolled my eyes at his amazement.

“Yes Nikki, they were constantly getting mine and Greyson’s hopes up. They missed numerous birthdays, holidays, football and basketball games, cheerleading competitions and softball tournaments. My parents aren’t saints either, Nikki. They would tell a twelve year old and a nine year old to grow up.”

Nikki gently ran his hand down my arm as he sat up next to me, “I didn’t know that. How come you never told me?” He asked, his face had his apology written all over it.

I shrugged, “It never came up. I’m just some princess, remember?” I teased him as I leaned into his side as he let out a chuckle.

“More like a damsel in distress. I see why you’re angry all the time, now. It makes sense.” It was his turn to tease as he placed a kiss on my shoulder.

I shrugged him off, “I’m not angry all the time. You just make me so infuriated sometimes. I wish it wasn’t easy for me to forgive your words and actions, but you make it so damn difficult.” I felt powerless when I expressed that to him.

“I know, I’m just selfish when it comes to you.” Nikki put his hand under my chin to make me look at him, “I want to get better…” He became quiet as I pulled away from his grasp and studied his face.

“…like going to rehab?” I tried to understand as he nodded his head a little bit, like he had been defeated and lost the game.

“Yeah…I-“ he frowned, looking around at his junkie paradise of a room, "I need help…I want help..”

I was hesitant to say anything in return, I figured we were going in the right direction if he was asking out for help, “We can look for rehabs that are gonna work for you. I’ll help you.” I gave him a smile and he returned one back to me.

Nikki sighed, “After the next tour…I don’t wanna make the fans wait on me..”

I let out a discontented moan, “Yeah, okay. After the tour, but at least slow down please? I’m scared you’re gonna end up dying on me.” I admitted as he pushed the stragglers of hair behind my ear, “I need you, Nikki.”

He pulled his hand away from my face, “I’ll try to slow down. I’m not gonna die and I’m not going anywhere, please stop worrying.” Nikki spoke before placing a peaceable kiss on me.

I relaxed against his touch but I quickly pulled away from. I knew by how he was looking at me, he was trying to figure out what I was thinking.

“I’m gonna go…” I whispered as I got off his bed, “You can stay if you want too. I Uh…you have clothes here, they got mixed up in my laundry.” Nikki trailed off as he sat on the edge of his bed looking at me.

“I think, I still need some time.” I explained, looking down at my nails as I picked at them. As much as I wanted to stay here with him, it would just cause me to fall into the same cycle, a same ol’ situation you could say.

Nikki shifted in the bed, laying back down as he rested his hand behind his head. I stared at him as he patted his chest and opened his arms wide.

I rolled my eyes as I kicked off my shoes. I crawled over to him and laid at his side, head resting against his chest, arm wrapped around his waist. He held me tight against his body, his fingers danced against the exposed skin of my hip.

“I’m still not staying.” I whispered against his bare skin. His laugh vibrated through his core.

“That’s fine. Just stay with me for a little while longer.” He spoke soft as his hand went under my shirt as he began to rub my back.

“You really have feelings for me?” I was hesitant to ask, and he was hesitant to reply as he froze. I could tell he was holding his breath.

“Yeah, I do. I’ve tried pushing them away but they always come back.” He exhaled, his fingertips continued to run up and down my spine.

“Well…maybe I have feelings for you too.” I giggled as I rested my chin on his chest and looked up at him.

“I think you already do. But I think you’re too scared to act on them.” He replied, staring intently. I broke the gaze and laid back down.

“I think you’re right.”

219 notes · View notes

uneminuteparseconde · 5 years

Text

Des concerts à Paris et alentour

Mars 22. Delia Derbyshire (diff.) + Lettera 22 + Evil Moisture + Caterina Barbieri + Drew McDowall : "Coil's Time Machines" (fest. Présences électronique) – Studio 104|Maison de la Radio 22. Crystal Fighters – Gaîté lyrique 22. Peter Hook (dj) – Supersonic 22. Chevalier Avant-garde + Bracco + Mary Bell + Officine – La Station 22. Spectres – Espace B 22. The Young Gods – La Maroquinerie ||COMPLET|| 23. Pierre Boeswillwald (diff.) + Max Eilbacher + Andrea Belfi + Sarah Davachi + William Basinski & Lawrence English (fest. Présences électronique) – Studio 104|Maison de la Radio 23. Snapped Ankles + Wild Classical Music Ensemble + Man from Uranus – La Maroquinerie 23. Les Harry's & Stefan Neville (fest. Sonic Protest) – Chapiteaux turbulents 23. Sydney Valette – Petit Bain 23. Fazi + Versari – Black Star 23. Leroy se meurt + Electric Retro Spectrum + Night Night + Bitpart – Espace B 23. Kas:st + Paula Temple + Shlømo + VTSS + Parfait – tba 24. Alessandro Bosetti : "Clair obscur" – Instants chavirés (Montreuil) (gratuit) 24. Warren Burt (diff.) + Mats Erlandsson + Okkyung Lee + Low Jack + BJ Nielsen (fest. Présences électronique) – Studio 104|Maison de la Radio 24. Chantal Acda + Miles Oliver + Julien Ledru (Sulfure fest.) – Le vent se lève 25. Laibach – Trabendo 26. Bleib Modern + Kill Your Boyfriend + Post Modern Chaser – Supersonic (gratuit) 26. Jon Porras (Barn Owl) + Mathias Delplanque + Frédéric D. Oberland (Sulfure fest.) – Le vent se lève 27. Strangelove + Background (dj) (Sulfure fest.) – Le vent se lève 28. Komplikations + Pinoreks + Computerstaat – Supersonic (gratuit) 28. Scanner + Openendedgroup & Natasha Barrett + Raphaël Imbert & Benjamin Lévy – Centre Pompidou 28. Euromilliard + Humbros + Peür + Pumice (fest. Sonic Protest) – La Station 28. Radiante pourpre + Myako + Wizaeroïd + Spaghetti ala bolonoise – Le Klub 28. Emmanuelle Gibello : "Loin derrière j'ai laissé mon jasmin" – Le Cube (Issy-lès-Moulineaux) 29. Don Nino – Souffle continu (gratuit) 29. Perturbator – Le Trianon 29. Jandek + Confusional Quartet + Société étrange (fest. Sonic Protest) – théâtre de l'Échangeur (Bagnolet) 29. Low Jack + Vladimir Ivkovic + Céline Gillain – La Java 29. Dj Stingray + Varg + Solid Blake + Spfdj – Concrete 30. Marc Almond – Le Trianon 30. Seabuckthorn + Rach Three + CollAGE D (Sulfure fest.) – Le vent se lève 30. Lahcen Akil & les Chaâbi Brothers + Suzanne Ciani + The Coolies + Lemones + Les Statonells (fest. Sonic Protest) – théâtre de l'Échangeur (Bagnolet) 31. Fuji Kureta + Mei (Sulfure fest.) – Le vent se lève 31. Claudio Simonetti (Goblin) joue "Suspiria" et autres – Flow 31. Verity Susman : cinéconert sur "Häxan" de Benjamin Chistensen (fest. Les femmes s'en mêlent) – Grande Halle de La Villette

Avril 01. Matt Elliott + Vacarme – Café de la danse 02. Schtum + Shit & Shine (fest. Sonic Protest) – Mona Bismarck American Center 02. Steve Gunn + Papercuts – Petit Bain 03. Sheik Anorak + Mister Bishop + BaBa YaGe – Les Nautes 02. Ballaké Cissoko & Vincent Segal (fest. Les Rares Talents) – théâtre Berthelot (Montreuil) 03. Han Bennink + Jean-François Pauvros + Anne-Laure Pigache & Anne-Julie Rollet + Parlophonie (fest. Sonic Protest) – théâtre de Vanves 04. Os Noctambulos + The Shazzams + Veenus – L'Alimentation générale (gratuit) 04. Shannon Wright + Anna Calvi + Requin Chargin + Kate NV (fest. Les femmes s'en mêlent) – Trabendo 04. Dust Breeders & Mattin + Lydia Lunch & Marc Hurtado jouent Suicide et Alan Vega + Anna Zaradny (fest. Sonic Protest) – église Saint-Merry 05. Bégayer + France + Frédéric Blondy joue "Occam XXV" d'Éliane Radigue (fest. Sonic Protest) – église Saint-Merry 05. Beirut – Le Grand Rex 05. Rendez-Vous + Qual – Gaîté lyrique 05. Asian Dub Foundation : cinéconcert sur "La Bataille d'Alger" de Gillo Pontecorvo – Auditorium|Palais de la porte Dorée 05/06. Nadia Lauro & Zeena Parkins : Stichomythia – Centre Pompidou 05. Camilla Sparksss + Georgia UK + Emily Wells + Tiny Ruins + Emilie Zoé (fest. Les femmes s'en mêlent) – Trabendo 05. Defekt + Blush Response + Sinus 0 + Kino + Koddi – NF-34 06. Regina Demina + Ionnalee + Pongo + Sink Ya Teeth + Oh Mu + Dope Saint Jude + Silly Boy Blue (fest. Les femmes s'en mêlent) – Trabendo 06. The Hacker + Kittin + Arnaud Rebotini + Djedjotronic + David Caretta + Cardopusher – Terminal 7 06. Molecule – Gaîté lyrique 06. These New Puritans + Scintii – Petit Bain 06. Kokoko! – Badaboum 06. Dylan Carlson + Julien Clauss + Hermine + Lee Patterson + Ut + Blenno Die Wurstbrücke (fest. Sonic Protest) – Cirque électrique 07. Tashi Wada Group + Julia Holter + Corey Fogel – Lafayette Anticipations 08. The Specials – La Cigale 08. The Ex + Massicot – Petit Bain 09. Young Widows + Nesseria – Petit Bain 10. The Flying Luttenbachers – The University of Chicago Center (gratuit sur résa) 10. Jeff Mills : cinéconcert sur "Paris qui dort" de René Clair – Cinémathèque 10. Daughters – Point FMR ||COMPLET|| 11. Ancient Methods + Thomas Delecroix – NF-34 12. Jad Wio + Jean-Pierre Kalfon – Black Star 12. Orchestra of Constant Distress + Arnaud Rivière + Oliver Brisson – Instants chavirés (Montreuil) 13. Toner Low + Ambassador 21 + The Fat + Orso + Evil Grimace + Gurt + Ddent + Froe Char + End of Mankind + McLane + Suprême Mycosaure (Monospace fest.) – Petit Bain 13. Author & Punisher – Espace B 14. Arnaud Rebotini joue la BO de "120 Battements par minute" – Cité de la musique|Philharmonie 14. Chocolat Billy + Monsieur Thibault – Cirque électrique 16. Bazooka + En attendant Ana + Seppuku – Espace B 16. Poutre + Tabatha Crash + AVC – Le Picolo (Saint-Ouen) 17. Teenage Fanclub – Trabendo 17. Soap&Skin – Le Trianon 17. Apparat – Gaîté lyrique 17. Cave + Derinëgolem + Korto – Cirque électrique 17. Der Blutarsch & The Infinite Church of the Lending Hand + Mongolito – Black Star 18. Chrysta Bell – Supersonic (gratuit) 18. Kompromat – Trabendo 18. Bendik Giske + Kristina Männikkö + Denzel b2b Justus Valtanen b2b J.Lindroos b2b Daniel Kayrouz... (Pølar fest.) – La Station 19. Hocico + Heerschaft – Gibus 19. Ho99o9 – Trabendo 20. Vincent Epplay + Black Zone Myth Chant & High Wolf + Domotic + Jean Benoît Dunckel + NSDOS + Erol Alkan + Tim Glass + Roscius + Sahalé + Golden Bug + Pouvoir magique + Cät Cät + RA+RE + Wael Alkak + Molecule (Inasound fest.) – Palais Brongniart 20. Michael Rother joue "Harmonia" de Neu! + Steeple Remove – La Maroquinerie 20. Rien virgule + Pardans + Ellah a. Thaun – Instants chavirés (Montreuil) 20. The Horrorist + {KRTM} + 14anger + David Asko – Rex Club 20. Margaret Dygas + Shackleton + rRoxymore + Leyf – Concrete 21. Plaid + NSDOS + Myako & Basses Terres + Jonathan Fitoussi + Danton Eprom + La Fraîcheur + Edouard Rostand + Prieur de la Marne + The Supermen Lovers + Panteros666 & Inès Alpha + Matt Black + Sara Zinger (Inasound fest.) – Palais Brongniart 22. Fontaines D.C. – Point FMR 23. Lambchop – La Maroquinerie 24. Talky Nerds + PenG + Electric Retro Spectrum – Gare XP 25. Lali Puna + Surma + Zalfa – Petit Bain 25. Kap Bambino – Trabendo 26. Art brut + Les Olivensteins – Petit Bain 26. Demdike Stare + Eliza McCarthy joue Mica Levi – Église Saint-Merry 27. She Past Away + Isolated Youth + Potochkin – La Machine 27. Chloé : Lumières noires – Le 104 27. Cocaine Piss + Tôle froide + Avale – Petit Bain 27. Thharm + Harpon + Heimat + TG Gondard – Cirque électrique 27. Bérengère Maximin, Fred Firth & Heike Liss – Instants chavirés (Montreuil) 27/28. Alva Noto + Anetha + Antigone & Shlømo + Ciel + Clara 3000 + Daniel Avery + Deena Abdelwahed + Djrum + Kink + Lanark Artefax + Octo Octa b2b Eris Drew + OKO + Red Axes + Sentiments + The Pilotwings + Tryphème + Park Hye Jin (Weather fest.) – La Seine musicale (Boulogne-Billancourt) 30. The Undergound Youth + Dune Messiah – Petit Bain 30. Low Jack b2b Simo Cell (RBMA fest.) – Gaîté lyrique 30. Couloir Gang + Descendeur + Yellow Magic Harpsichord – Instants chavirés (Montreuil) 30. Shifted b2b Sigha + Lotus Eaters (Lucy & Rrose) + Von Grall + Clotur + Emissär + Vâyu – Concrete

Mai 02. Master Musicians of Jajouka – Instants chavirés (Montreuil) 04. Covenant – Petit Bain 04. Tomoko Sauvage – tba 04. Arnaud Rebotini + SNTS + Antigone – 42 av. Louis-Roche (Gennevilliers) 07. dEUS – La Cigale 07. Le Prince Harry + UVB76 + Container + Techno Thriller + Succhiamo – Petit Bain 08. Sneaks – Supersonic (gratuit) 09. Bill Nace & Samara Lubelski + Michiyo Yagi & Tony Buck – Instants chavirés (Montreuil) 10. Exchpoptrue + Pita (dj) + Vicnet + dj Aï – La Marbrerie (Montreuil) 10/11. Dead Can Dance – Grand Rex ||COMPLET|| 11. Christina Vantzou + Eiko Ishibashi + Jan Jelinek + NPVR (Nik Void & Peter Rehberg) – Le 104 12. Massimo Toniutti + François Bayle – Le 104 13. Foals – Bataclan 17. Philip Glass : Études pour piano – Salle Pierre-Boulez|Philharmonie 17. Hen Ogledd + Faune – Instants chavirés (Montreuil) 18. Bruce Brubaker & Max Cooper : Glasstronica – Cité de la musique|Philharmonie 18. Eliane Radigue : musique (diff.) pour "Continuum" de Félicie d'Estienne d'Orves – Centre Pompidou 19. Julien Claus – Ancienne Brasserie Bouchoule (Montreuil) (gratuit) 22. Housewives – Supersonic (gratuit) 23. Lots in Kiev + Thot + Brusque – Petit Bain 24. Beak> + TVAM – Gaîté lyrique 24. Shonen Knife – Petit Bain 24. Antichildleague + Corps + Geography of Hell – Les Voûtes 25. Sydney Valette + Blind Delon + Ruines – Supersonic (gratuit) 25. Xeno & Oaklander + Automelodi + Void Vision – Petit Bain 26. Jérôme Poret – Ancienne Brasserie Bouchoule (Montreuil) (gratuit) 27. Me Donner + Somaticae – tba 28. Alice in Chains + Black Rebel Motorcycle Club – Olympia 29. Flotation Toy Warning + Raoul Vignal – Petit Bain 29. Big Brave + My Disco + Tu brûles mon esprit – Instants chavirés (Montreuil) 31. François Bonnet + Knud Viktor + Jim O'Rourke + Florian Hecker (fest. Akousma) – Studio 104|Maison de la Radio

Juin 01. Eryck Abecassis & Reinhold Friedl + Hilde Marie Holsen + Anthony Pateras + Lucy Railton (fest. Akousma) – Studio 104|Maison de la Radio 01. Millimetric + Phase fatale + Terence Fixmer + Dersee + Raffaele Attanasio – Studio de Lendit (La Plaine-Saint-Denis) 01/02. Metronomy + Laurent Garnier + Ricardo Villalobos + Mr Oizo + Bonobo (dj) + Yves Tumor + Marie Davidson + Pond + Sleaford Mods... (fest. We Love Green) – Bois de Vincennes 02. Bernard Parmegiani + Jean Schwarz (fest. Akousma) – Studio 104|Maison de la Radio 05. Shellac – La Maroquinerie 05. Institute + Last Night + The Cherry Bones – L'International 06. Tim Hecker & Konoyo Ensemble + Mondkopf + Kelly Moran (Villette sonique fest.) – Cabaret sauvage 07. Danny Brown (Villette sonique fest.) – Périphérique 08. Julia Holter + Cate Le Bon (Villette sonique fest.) – Trabendo 08. Deena Abdelwahed + David August + Ross from Friends + Objekt (dj) + Apollo noir (dj) (Villette sonique fest.) – Grande Halle 08/09. Aïsha Devi + Belmont Witch + Black Midi + Borja Flames + Bracco + Corridor + Coucou Chloé + Crack Cloud + Efrim Menuck + Fontaines DC + Front de cadeaux + Juan Wauters + Krampf (dj) + Maria Violenza + Mdou Moctar + Musique chienne + Myako + Nova Materia + Nyoko Dokbaë + Novelist + Shanti Celeste + Sinkane + Szun Waves + The Messthetics + Tiger Tiger + Warm Drag + Wiki Zaltan (Villette sonique fest.) – parc de la Villette (gratuit) 09. Stereolab + Jonathan Bree + Anémone (Villette sonique fest.) – Grande Halle 12. Matmos + John Wiese – Instants chavirés (Montreuil) 13. Christian Death + Little Nemo – Gibus 13. Fat White Family – Élysée Montmartre 16. Siglo XX + The Arch – La Maroquinerie 19. Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks – La Gaîté lyrique 22. The Intelligence + Flatworms – La Maroquinerie 26. Magma – Salle Pierre-Boulez|Philharmonie 26. Daniel Menche + Point invisible – Instants chavirés (Montreuil) 28/29. Rammstein – La Défense Arena (Nanterre) ||COMPLET||

Juillet 02. Interpol – Olympia 04. Cat Power + H-Burns (fest. Days off) – Salle Pierre Boulez|Philharmonie 05. Klimperei, Sacha Czerwone, David Fenech, Denis Frajerman & Christophe Micusnule – Chair de poule (gratuit) 05. Pantha du Prince (fest. Days off) – Cité de la musique|Philharmonie 05. I Hate Models + Jardin + Mount Kimbie + Oktober Lieber + Rodhad + Mor Elian + Olivia... (The Peacock Society fest.) – Parc floral 06. Jonsi & Alex Somers jouent "Riceboy Sleeps" (fest. Days off) – Salle Pierre Boulez|Philharmonie 06. Helena Hauff b2b DJ Stingray + Jon Hopkins + Motor City Drum Ensemble + Len Faki + Robert Hood + Octavian + The Black Madonna + Clara! + Nicola Cruz... (The Peacock Society fest.) – Parc floral 07. Jonsi, Alex Somers & Paul Corley : "Liminal Soundbath" (fest. Days off) – Cité de la musique|Philharmonie 07/08. Thom Yorke (fest. Days off) – Salle Pierre Boulez|Philharmonie 07. Ministry – La Machine 11. Full of Hell + The Body + Pilori – Gibus 11. Masada + Sylvie Courvoisier & Mark Feldman + Mary Halvorson quartet + Craig Taborn + Trigger + Erik Friedlander & Mike Nicolas + John Medeski trio + Nova quartet + Gyan Riley & Julian Lage + Brian Marsella trio + Ikue Mori + Kris Davis + Peter Evans + Asmodeus : John Zorn's Marathon Bagatelles – Salle Pleyel 11>13. Kraftwerk (fest. Days off) – Philharmonie 13. The Will Gregory Moog Ensemble (fest. Days off) – Le Studio|Philharmonie 13. Chloé & Vassilena Serafimova : "Sequenza" + Apparat (fest. Days off) – Cité de la musique|Philharmonie 18. Neurosis + Yob – Bataclan

Août 23>25. The Cure + Aphex Twin... (fest. Rock en scène) – parc de Saint-Cloud

Septembre 05. Oh Sees – Bataclan 14. Patti Smith – Olympia 14. Clan of Xymox + Plomb – Gibus 14. Danny Elfman & le Grand Orchestre d'Ile-de-France : cinéconcert sur "Alice au Pays des merveilles" de Tim Burton – Salle Pierre Boulez|Philharmonie 23>25. John Cale – Cité de la musique|Philharmonie

Octobre 05. Nuit de l'orgue avec des œuvres d'Éliane Radigue, Arvo Pärt, Olivier Messiaen, Phillip Glass, Nico Muhly, Jonathan Fitoussi... (Nuit blanche) – Salle Pierre Boulez|Philharmonie (gratuit) 14. King Gizzard & Tle Lizard Wizard – Olympia 18. Dream Syndicate – Petit Bain 19. Sisters of Mercy – Bataclan

Novembre 08. Bedroom Community – Cité de la musique|Philharmonie 10. Amiina : cinéconcert sur "Fantomas" de Louis Feuillade – Le Studio|Philharmonie 10. Ôlafur Atnald + Hugar – Salle Pierre Boulez|Philharmonie 17. Nitzer Ebb – La Machine 24. The Young Gods + Les Tétines noires – La Machine

Décembre 06. Phillip Glass Ensemble : cinéconcert sur "Koyaanisqatsi" de Godfrey Reggio – Salle Pierre Boulez|Philharmonie 07. Phillip Glass Ensemble : cinéconcert sur "Powaqqatsi" de Godfrey Reggio – Salle Pierre Boulez|Philharmonie 08. Phillip Glass Ensemble : cinéconcert sur "Naqoyqatsi" de Godfrey Reggio – Salle Pierre Boulez|Philharmonie

2020

Janvier 04. Rokia Traoré + Ballaké Cissoko & Vincent Segal – Salle Pierre Boulez|Philharmonie

Février 16. Orchestral Manoeuvre in the Dark – La Cigale

Mars 20. Ensemble Dedalus joue "Occam Ocean" d'Éliane Radigue – Le Studio|Philharmonie 21/22. Laurie Anderson : "The Art of Falling" – Cité de la musique|Philharmonie

Avril Ensemble intercontemporain joue Steve Reich : cinéconcert sur un film de Gerhard Richter – Salle Pierre Boulez|Philharmonie

Mai 08. Max Richter : "Infra" + Jlin + Ian William Craig – Cité de la musique|Philharmonie 09. Max Richter : "Voices" – Salle Pierre Boulez|Philharmonie 10. Max Richter : "Recomposed" & "Three Worlds" – Salle Pierre Boulez|Philharmonie 24. Damon Albarn – Salle Pierre Boulez|Philharmonie

en gras : les derniers ajouts / in bold: the last news

#agenda concerts #concerts à Paris #gigs in paris #paris gigs

2 notes · View notes

philippinesvsusa · 5 years

Text

Premiere semaine des congés de noël

Lundi, la veille du nouvel an m'attendait! Des mon réveil, j'ai ouvert le petit paquet qu'Aurore m'avait envoyé pour noël et que je lorgnais depuis un mois. Après un petit déjeuner composé d'omelette et pain, nous nous sommes tous assis en cercle et avons ouvert les cadeaux qui entouraient le sapin. Les enfants étaient tous excités et moi aussi. Haha Les petits ont reçus des livres et des jeux dont deux de ma part. Zadiah a également eu une tablette et Zeek un hélicoptère. J'ai reçu plein de petits cadeaux trop chouette et j'ai offert un calendrier Tintin, deux peluches Halloween ( merci Hugues), des chocolats, un pull, un film, une écharpe Belgique, et un livre de grammaire française. Ça semble bizarre mais j'ai pris cinq mois à écouter pour savoir ce qui leur ferait plaisir. Comme tous les cadeaux de noël en vrai, lol. Et pour tout ça, Amazon a été mon meilleur ami. Après ça, nous avons été nous balader et pendant la sieste des enfants nous avons regardé le film “The Greatest Show Man” que Sharina voulait voir depuis sa sortie. Dans la soirée, nous avons mangé du saumon avec des pâtes aux champignons et de la salade. Trop bon!

Le jour de noël, nous sommes restés à la maison, tranquilles. J'ai fait de la cougnole!

Mercredi, j'ai été voir pour un ordinateur et j'ai passé la journée avec ma copine Angie à faire les magasins. Nous avons notamment été dans un magasin de livre avec un café. En gros tu peux t'assoir et lire le livre de ton choix. On a aussi été dans un magasin de bricolage aux rayons innombrables. J'étais comblée mais mon porte feuille rétissant. Lol

Jeudi, je me suis levée à 11h30 parce que j'avais pas dormi de la nuit. En gros, il y a eu de fortes pluies et de gros vents et vers 11heures, une alarme c'est déclenchée et a retenti dans tout le quartier pour signaler un risque de tornade. Du coup, j'étais pas à l'aise et j'ai pas voulu dormir. Haha. Bon sachez que si une vrai tornade vous tombe dessus un jour, vous devez vous éloigner le plus possible des fenêtres parce que ça fini pas toujours comme Dorothi dans le magicien D'oz. En bref, j'étais fatiguée. Ensuite Tashi m'a proposée d'aller faire du bénévolat dans un centre de distribution de denrées alimentaires. J’ai donc passé l'après-midi là. En rentrant, nous sommes allez au Starbuck et je croyais avoir commandé un chocolat chaud mais ce que j'ai reçu était une sorte de lait sucré épicé. Beurk. En vrai, ici ils mettent de la cannelle dans tout et moi qui en raffole pas… Je suis toujours trop en joir dee manger une pâtisserie puis je goute et j’invente un album de grimaces à chaque fois. 😲😬😩😨

Vendredi, direction bibliothèque où je suis devenue toute folle devant tous les livres. Finalement je n'en ai pris qu’un mais bon je me tiens au courant des avancées littéraires. Dans l'après-midi, j'ai été dans un magasin de seconde main dont j'avais entendu parlé mais je n'ai rien trouvé. Hihihi

Je commence enfin à faire quelques activités et ne pas rester tout le temps dans la maison!!!!

Et voici quelques sapins de noël😄

Gros bisous et Joyeux Noël 🤶🎅🎄🎄🎄🎁🎁🎁

Emilie😇

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lgbt-teenager-support · 7 years

Text

Warning: Long post!!

@mercialachesis said:

Hey I was wondering if you could recommend some books or films with an agender character either main or side? Thank you !!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello! I'm sorry I couldn't answer your ask straight up, this post includes a lot of links.

I couldn't find very many books that describe the character as specifically agender, but there are a lot that use the words "gender fluid" "gender flux" "gender queer" and the like if you're ok with that! Summaries taken from Goodreads

Mask of Shadows - by Linsey Miller

"Sallot Leon is a thief, and a good one at that. But gender fluid Sal wants nothing more than to escape the drudgery of life as a highway robber and get closer to the upper-class and the nobles who destroyed their home. When Sal Leon steals a poster announcing open auditions for the Left Hand, a powerful collection of the Queen's personal assassins named for the rings she wears -- Ruby, Emerald, Amethyst, and Opal -- their world changes. They know it's a chance for a new life. Except the audition is a fight to the death filled with clever circus acrobats, lethal apothecaries, and vicious ex-soldiers. A childhood as a common criminal hardly prepared Sal for the trials. But Sal must survive to put their real reason for auditioning into play: revenge."

Symptoms of Being Human - by Jeff Garvin

"The first thing you’re going to want to know about me is: Am I a boy, or am I a girl? Riley Cavanaugh is many things: Punk rock. Snarky. Rebellious. And gender fluid. Some days Riley identifies as a boy, and others as a girl. The thing is…Riley isn’t exactly out yet. And between starting a new school and having a congressman father running for reelection in uber-conservative Orange County, the pressure—media and otherwise—is building up in Riley’s so-called “normal” life. On the advice of a therapist, Riley starts an anonymous blog to vent those pent-up feelings and tell the truth of what it’s REALLY like to be a gender fluid teenager. But just as Riley’s starting to settle in at school—even developing feelings for a mysterious outcast—the blog goes viral, and an unnamed commenter discovers Riley’s real identity, threatening exposure. Riley must make a choice: walk away from what the blog has created—a lifeline, new friends, a cause to believe in—or stand up, come out, and risk everything."

What We Left Behind - by Robin Talley

"Toni and Gretchen are the couple everyone envied in high school. They've been together forever. They never fight. They’re deeply, hopelessly in love. When they separate for their first year at college—Toni to Harvard and Gretchen to NYU—they’re sure they’ll be fine. Where other long-distance relationships have fallen apart, theirs is bound to stay rock-solid. The reality of being apart, though, is very different than they expected. Toni, who identifies as genderqueer, meets a group of transgender upperclassmen and immediately finds a sense of belonging that has always been missing, but Gretchen struggles to remember who she is outside their relationship. While Toni worries that Gretchen won’t understand Toni’s new world, Gretchen begins to wonder where she fits in Toni's life. As distance and Toni’s shifting gender identity begins to wear on their relationship, the couple must decide—have they grown apart for good, or is love enough to keep them together?"

The Tiger's Watch - by Julia Ember

"Sixteen-year-old Tashi has spent their life training as a inhabitor, a soldier who spies and kills using a bonded animal. When the capital falls after a brutal siege, Tashi flees to a remote monastery to hide. But the invading army turns the monastery into a hospital, and Tashi catches the eye of Xian, the regiment’s fearless young commander. Tashi spies on Xian’s every move. In front of his men, Xian seems dangerous, even sadistic, but Tashi discovers a more vulnerable side of the enemy commander—a side that draws them to Xian. When their spying unveils that everything they’ve been taught is a lie, Tashi faces an impossible choice: save their country or the boy they’re growing to love. Though Tashi grapples with their decision, their volatile bonded tiger doesn't question her allegiances. Katala slaughters Xian’s soldiers, leading the enemy to hunt her. But an inhabitor’s bond to their animal is for life—if Katala dies, so will Tashi."

Love Spell - by Mia Kerick

"Strutting his stuff on the catwalk in black patent leather pumps and a snug orange tuxedo as this year’s Miss (ter) Harvest Moon feels so very right to Chance César, and yet he knows it should feel so very wrong. As far back as he can remember, Chance has been “caught between genders.” (It’s quite a touchy subject; so don’t ask him about it.) However, he does not question his sexual orientation. Chance has no doubt about his gayness—he is very much out of the closet at his rural New Hampshire high school, where the other students avoid the kid they refer to as “girl-boy.” But at the local Harvest Moon Festival, when Chance, the Pumpkin Pageant Queen, meets Jasper Donahue, the Pumpkin Carving King, sparks fly. So Chance sets out, with the help of his BFF, Emily, to make “Jazz” Donahue his man. An article in an online women’s magazine, Ten Scientifically Proven Ways to Make a Man Fall in Love with You (with a bonus love spell thrown in for good measure), becomes the basis of their strategy to capture Jazz’s heart. Quirky, comical, definitely flamboyant, and with an inner core of poignancy, Love Spell celebrates the diversity of a gender-fluid teen."

Chameleon Moon - by RoAnna Sylver

"The city of Parole is burning. Like Venice slips into the sea, Parole crumbles into fire. The entire population inside has been quarantined, cut off from the rest of the world, and left to die - directly over the open flame. Eye in the Sky, a deadly and merciless police force ensures no one escapes. Ever. All that’s keeping Parole alive is faith in the midst of horrors and death, trust in the face of desperation… and their fantastic, terrifying, and beautiful superhuman abilities. Regan, stealth and reconnaissance expert with a lizard's scales and snake's eyes, is haunted by ten years of anxiety, trauma and terror, and he’s finally reached his limit. His ability to disappear into thin air isn’t enough: he needs an escape, and he’ll do anything for a chance. Unluckily for him, Hans, a ghostly boy with a chilling smile, knows just the thing to get one. It starts with a little murder. But instead of ending a man’s life, Regan starts a new one of his own. He turns away from that twisted path, and runs into Evelyn, fearless force on stage and sonic-superheroic revolutionary on the streets. Now Regan has a choice - and a chance to not only escape from Parole, but unravel the mystery deep in its burning heart. And most of all, discover the truth about their own entwining pasts. They join forces with Evelyn’s family: the virtuosic but volatile Danae, who breathes life into machines, and her wife Rose, whose compassionate nature and power over healing vines and defensive thorns will both be vital to survive this nightmare. Then there’s Zilch, a cool and level-headed person made of other dead people, and Finn, one of Parole’s few remaining taxi drivers, who causes explosions whenever he feels anything but happy. Separately they’d never survive, much less uncover the secret of Parole’s eternally-burning fire. Together, they have a chance. Unfortunately, Hans isn’t above playing dirty, lying, cheating, manipulating… and holding Regan’s memories hostage until he gets his way. Parole’s a rough place to live. But they’re not dead yet. If they can survive the imminent cataclysmic disaster, they might just stay that way…"

Black Sunrise - by Christina Engela

"When a single Ruminarii Hammerhead arrived to invade the small backwater Terran colony of Deanna, the people of Atro City went to meet them at the space port with open arms. (Perhaps ‘exposed’ is a better word?) Life as a private investigator, slash bounty hunter isn’t all Gary Beck wanted it to be. There weren’t any big mansions on a palm beach owned by an affluent writer generous enough to let him live rent-free and use his spare Ferrari. But then, you have to ask yourself, what could you expect living on a planet like Deanna? As a third rate colony in the Terran Empire, Deanna had more than its fair share of dull moments. It orbited a star called Ramalama. If you think that’s funny, Deanna’s two moons were called Ding and Dong, respectively. (This is a local joke.) Cindy Mei Winter hoped to put her violent and somehow depressing past behind her, but now it seemed her new beginning (and her holiday) were going to have to wait."

If Found Return To Astropop - by Lucas Hargis

"Unaware of one another’s gender or appearance, a poor, aspiring architect and a spoiled, free-spirited astronomy fanatic find themselves mutually smitten by reading each other’s journals. Genderfluid, sixteen-year-old Robin “Astropop” Chicory lost a journal three months ago. When a stranger (known only as Pippopotamus) secretly returns it, Astro discovers that Pip read their innermost thoughts and meticulously traced Astro’s past movements. Without meeting, Pip believes s/he is smitten with Astropop. Astro knows this because Pip wrote a heartfelt journal in response. Astro reads both journals side-by-side, amazed at how simple words on paper can exert a mutual gravity between complete strangers. As their tandem confessions and intimate stories tangle with the drama in Astro’s everyday life, Astro ends up hopelessly smitten with Pip, too. But because of distance, timing, and interference from the universe, it’s impossible for them to ever meet. When Astro flips to Pip’s last precious page, a supernova of hope explodes—a precise time and place where shy Pip will be waiting. Astro can finally meet the intriguing Pip, but fears their deep, inexplicable connection will be broken. And there’s the world-shattering chance the revelations of who they each truly are will eclipse their imagined versions of one another."

And here's the entire Goodreads list in case any books I didn't include speak to you! Hope this helped! For the life of me I couldn't find any agender movie characters :( If anyone knows of other books in this vein feel free to add!

-Mod Gaby

#goodreads #queer lit #books with agender characters #books with gender queer characters

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fangirltothefullest · 2 years

Text

Things I want to do but can't for various reasons:

Draw more starcrossed pages

Draw more sanders sides

Draw in general

Write fics

Exist in a house without ants

Sleep in a bed without ants crawling on me

Work in a school without insane rules and regulations that every other teacher doesn't have to deal with but I have to because preschool is fucking insane

Work without complete nutcases for coworkers and administrative staff

Work without a coworker who thinks 3 and 4 year olds should be doing first grade level work

Work without a coworker who thinks play isn't teaching them anything and that they should sit down with their nose in a worksheet for 40 solid minutes

Work in a job that doesn't suck the life out of me

Get paid to do at home work

Get paid to do artwork

Move out of this fucking house

Move anywhere at all

Have enough money to do anything other than suffer

Sleep without waking up twice every night

Exist without being the one who solves everyone else's problems and then getting shit on for it.

Stop having everyone constantly crying around me

#tashi vents #im so fucking tired you guys

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news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog · 5 years

Text

Finstas make online dating so much more complicated

In our Love App-tually series, Mashable shines a light into the foggy world of online dating. It is cuffing season after all.

I will never again let someone I'm dating follow my finsta.

That's a sentiment that countless finsta users have when establishing emotional boundaries. In relationships built on intertwined online and in-person interactions, it's often a point of contention.

If you haven't been initiated into the bizarre world of niche memes and astrology tag posts, a finsta is a secondary, private Instagram account used to keep snarky screenshots, rant about your personal life, and post (mostly) risqué selfies that would leave the family members who follow your main account absolutely appalled. Finsta followers are usually a highly curated selection of close friends who wouldn't judge you for your bizarre one-night stands, validate you when you're feeling yourself, and support you when your mental health dips.

If a single group text represented only one circle of friends, then a finsta would be the overlapping portion of a Venn diagram. Friend groups don't always overlap, but on your finsta, you can access all of their unrelenting support on one platform.

Finsta really does teach you a lot. You find out who cheating, who hoeing, who got played and who depressed etc. Need help making a life decision? Ask your finsta, need help on an outfit?? FINSTA

— Tashie🌻 (@_NatashaMarie_) January 31, 2019

But when it comes to romance, deciding whose follow requests to approve can get hairy.

I personally have had a finsta for longer than any relationship I've been in and allowing a partner to follow it ended in disaster. In my case, I forgot to block the now ex from my finsta after we broke up. I posted a screenshot from a funny Tinder conversation with someone else weeks later. I woke up to a seething late night call from the ex, who was furious that I was on a dating app and even more enraged that I posted about it on the not quite public, but not quite private platform.

SEE ALSO: Which dating app is right for you? Use this guide to figure it out.

The whole debacle made me wonder if anyone should ever let their significant other follow their finstas. When I put out a call for thoughts on it, people were passionate about maintaining boundaries between the person they're dating and the content they post in private.

Caroline Long, a college student in Boston, said she rejected her boyfriend's follow request about a month into their relationship.

"If there's life news or drama I'm posting about, he's usually the first to hear about it anyway," she said. "And I've had my finsta for a while so there's some old, old posts about former boyfriends and issues that I'm sure wouldn't be fun for him to peruse."

my finsta b like -here’s a picture of my ass -let me expose my mental illness -now ima broadcast my depression episode -look @ my titties -this meme was funny

— 𝓒rybaby 𝓛ynn ✧ (@xbasedxgoddess) February 6, 2019

Online dating expert Julie Spira says couples with finstas don't necessarily need to share the accounts with each other for a healthy relationship. As long as you're not going out of your way to hide anything, Spira believes having a private space to vent is fine.

"When you're in a relationship, there are always things that you share with your close friends that you just might not share with your partner," she said during a phone call.

Finstas are appealing because they allow for vulnerability when there's an insurmountable pressure to be perfect on social media. Sydney Smalls calls her finsta a "little safe space," which is why she's hesitant to approve her boyfriend's follow request.

"It's where I'm the most honest version of myself online so I only trust a few people with what I write about," the New York-based production assistant explained. "Even though I trust my boyfriend it would just be an added level of pressure for some reason."

Many share her view; although they feel supported by their partners, the finsta users who shared their stories with me said that they would censor their posts if their partners followed them.

When I was convinced someone was ghosting me, for example, I turned to my finsta to talk through it. An army of close friends analyzed screenshots down to the timestamp and deliberated in the comments, concluding that although ghosting was a possibility, I should suck up my pride and double text. In the end, I had nothing to worry about — the support network I had through my finsta convinced me not to sabotage a new relationship, and all I had to do was literally communicate. But if I had let that person follow me, would I have asked for advice in the first place, or would I still be wallowing in my own anxiety?

Overheard in bar last night: Girl 1: I let him see my finsta so we're basically never gonna date Girl 2: oh ya that’s the kiss of death

— PAZ (@pazpaz) February 24, 2018

Finstas are like a semi-public diary for soliciting advice and rationalization and inviting someone you're actively dating into it might make you less inclined to seek out that advice. The private accounts are a valuable space to talk out issues beforehand so you can approach your partner with a reasonable level-headedness.

"Having a space for myself ensures that I'm being honest about what's upsetting me," Long said, elaborating on why she doesn't let her boyfriend follow her. "And how I'm getting from Point A to Point B. Not that I'm dishonest with my boyfriend, but I don't feel as obliged to cater or censor finsta posts for a certain audience."

For Danika Frank, a writer in Los Angeles, using a finsta to separate herself from the people she dates keeps her codependence in check.

"So it was good to have a space, a place where I could dissect my own thoughts away from them," she said. "Even if I was stressed about something relationship-wise, I could break it down on there before bringing it up to them."

Philadelphia college student Mal Sary, who went through a break up while she and her ex were still living together, said having a non-physical space to get away helped her through it until she could find somewhere else to live.

"Instead of yelling at my ex, I just used my finsta to channel a lot of my anger," Sary said.

In addition to having a defined place to put their thoughts in order, the people who don't let their significant other follow their finsta felt like they didn't have to because their relationships were already healthy enough. Although Smalls' boyfriend doesn't follow her private account, she doesn't turn to her finsta to complain about him when they have issues in their relationship.

"When I'd have problems with my ex, I'd just post about it and hide it from him and let it build," she said. "This time, I just talk directly to [my boyfriend]. It kinda feels disrespectful now. I don't want to talk about him behind his back [because] I know he wouldn't do that to me."

Jeung Bok Holmquist, an artist in Madison, Wisconsin, adds that their partner doesn't follow their finsta, but that doesn't give them a pass to complain about him.

"I guess I only wouldn't [allow a finsta follow] if I was actively talking about my partner on there, but I also shouldn't be talking shit about my partner in private," they said. "So then that's just a clear sign of a bad relationship!"

𝓷𝓮𝔀 rules of dating: 1st base: liking and unliking someone’s post 2nd base: “nah u don’t have to venmo me” 3rd: get called an asshole on their finsta homerun: a retweet

— vinay (@mumblecomic) January 10, 2019

That doesn't mean that not allowing a romantic interest to follow you ensures smooth sailing. Nothing you post on social media is truly private. Anything can be screenshot, passed through the screen grapevine, and end up hurting everyone involved. But do people have an obligation to break the trust of following a friend's finsta to protect another friend's feelings?

Evy Oliverio, who works at the United Nations in Beirut, was seeing someone who encouraged her to follow his finsta, until she DM'd him and realized she was blocked. Their mutual friends still followed him and could see that he wasn't interested in her anymore, but didn't tell her. She later found out that he had promptly started dating someone else "for real" after "months" of telling her he "wasn't ready."

"We had enough mutual friends who knew about him dragging me through metaphorical dirt," Oliverio said. "And yet none of them would be like 'Ev, this is happening.'"

Spiro, the relationship consultant, is cautious about breaking that trust. Even though it may be hurtful to mutual friends, if someone invites you to their finsta then you have a "digital moral obligation" not to share what they post.

"Either you're in something that's private or you're not," Spiro said. "I love the fact that this is small and intimate, but I think there needs to be spoken and unspoken rules of what you do and don't share."

Despite the moral obligations, Oliverio notes that finstas are still public, even if your account is set to private, and she'd rather step in than see a mutual friend be hurt.

"You allow who you want to see it but the fact that someone else besides you 'sees' your truth, it's no longer private," she noted, acknowledging that it doesn't justify sharing secrets. "I do think that if you and I have a mutual friend and on their finsta, they start dragging you, I'd tell you. And secondly, hold them accountable."

At the end of the day, finstas are yet another aspect of how the internet muddles dating. But that doesn't mean that finsta users shut their partners out of their secret accounts entirely. For Valentine's Day last year, Holmquist made their boyfriend a zine with drawings from their finsta posts when the couple first started seeing each other. As long as there's open and honest communication between a couple, finstas shouldn't be an issue, they said.

Spiro says it's "almost distrusting" when someone insists on following their partner's finsta.

"I think trust and communication is something couples engage in every day but that doesn't mean that they're on a third-party text or phone call every time they're communicating with somebody else," she said. "You need to have your personal life, and they have their personal life, and you need to have your communication together."

I, for one, value the tightly knit support network in my finsta over any potential partner's insecurities. If a partner asked me to give it up, I'd probably dump them and immediately post about it on my finsta.

Even if it makes dating more complicated, I wouldn't trade it for anything.