#stress nose bleeds was like 1/3 of my childhood

[wnacn]

Finally got the rest of my brain rot out. @son1c

#snowpoint sonic #snowpoint au #sonic #sonic au #shadow the hedgehog #sonic the hedgehog #cherry the owl #Jack the rabbit #dr.starline #son1c #wnacn #my art #tw blood #i feeeeeeeel like i should tag the blood #sorry if that is a bit much lol #stress nose bleeds was like 1/3 of my childhood #first picture last panel: me trying to remember what i had for breakfast

[enha-bubblegum]

The kiss (part-2)

( yandere! Bully jungwon Xfm!reader)

Requested

Warning⚠- bullying ,blood, kiss

If u haven't read part 1 here ➷

For everyone's surprise, jungwon didn't bully you next day. But they were unable to notice the way he looks at you. He had been staring you since morning. It was the day of practice before the interschool basketball championship. Everyone gathered to see him. Only him. Girls were crazy over him. But now he only wanted (name). But he couldn't see you anywhere. He was disappointed. Maybe you won't come to see him. The game began. Everyone was cheering him and girls were going crazy over him. They were screaming his name. But he was not happy. He wanted to see you. You didn't leave his mind last night.

He was busy playing but was thinking about you. They're 3 points less than the opponents. "Yo jungwon, what happened to you today?" Heeseung asked. "I don't know hyung " He replied. He just noticed something and turned his head to find out it was you, (name) . Sitting in the last raw. His face lit up. You were finally here. He can't get his eyes off you. You were just so perfect. you noticed it. you were feeling uncomfortable specially when he smirked. He can finally pay attention to the match. 'I'll win of her! he thought. He was finally back in his old state. But he seemed more energised. Their points were increasing second by second and everybody's mouth was wide open. The girls were going crazy over his looks.

They won.

He came out with a towel around his neck and bottle in his hand. He was talking to his team. Then he saw you putting something in your locker. Then he got an idea.....

The next day, when you came to school and opened yourr locker, she found something unusual. A letter. you looked around and opened it. Someone wrote you with wonderful handwriting. But what was written there was not wonderful.

My love....

you're just so beautiful that I can't resist. I'm going crazy for you. You're my precious. I love you SO MUCH. My darling I'm coming for you~

'wtf??' you thought. It must be a prank.then you remembered what happened two days ago. could it be..? No that's impossible. You shook your head and put the letter in your bag. Unaware that he was watching her from darkness.

"You kept. How adorable.... You're mine"~

you put your forehead on your palm and looked down. You were really stressed and scared. You always receiving love letters from a stranger. Weird and creepy things are happening these days since you received the letter. There's are crazy words. you could see shadow in front of your room at night, always feel someone's following you then creepy messeges in your phone and the worst is having small marks on your neck. you can't even think peacefully. You were still feeling being watched.

"Seems like you're not enjoying your peace bitch" a girl said. It's the same girl who pulled her hair. "what do you want?" you asked. " Jungwon got bored of you doesn't mean I'll spare you. Tell me what happened between you two?" That girl asked. "What do you mean? Nothing happened. What are you talking about?" you replied. The girl who was deeply in love with jungwon, noticed that he's been staring you. She could feel jealousy inside her. She immediately grabbed her neck and threw her on the floor. "You like being bullied right?" She smirked and kicked you. Then splashed water on your face. "Stop it!" But she didn't listen and slapped you hard then grabbed her hair. "Listen bitch, stay away from him" and pushed you on the floor. Then left you in pain. Your nose was bleeding. But jungwon was watching it.

He could feel flames burning inside him. This bitch dared to hurt my Angel? I'll kill her. It was true that it was him who started this. I'll end this too.

time skip~

Instead of following u, he followed that girl. It was already dark. Since she received detention for completing all pending homeworks. He had his black hoodie on. She felt someone's following her. So she ran . But he grabbed her and put a knife on her neck. "If you try to scream, I'll cut off your throat. " He warned. That voice seemed much more familiar to her. It was him. Jungwon. "Jung..won..". He pushed the knife more. "Shh.... You should not talk. Specially when u have recognised me." He laughed. "Bu..but why?" She asked. Tears rolled down her eyes and she began to shake. "Why..??? Hahahaha.. you dared to hurt my darling." He said. But before she could react, he put a white cloth on her face. Then everything went black.

He climbed on your bed. Only he knows how much he adores your face. He laid beside you and stroked your hair. "Oh darling, you look so cute". He let out a small chuckle. He knew your in a deepsleep and don't wake up easily. Even when he left marks on your neck. He leaned over your face and kissed you. He fulfilled his desire like every night. You looked so calm because you didn't see the shadow today. Nor felt being followed. He kissed your forehead. "See you tomorrow love" he said and escaped from the window.

Next day, the girl found unconscious in a forest. She was immediately brought to hospital. When she woke up, she refused to tell anything about the person who did it.

FLASHBACK

"Bu..but why?" She asked. Tears rolled down her eyes and she began to shake. "Why..??? Hahahaha.. you dared to hurt my darling. "He said. "If you dare to tell anything, I'll make sure you were never born" he laughed and everything went black.

While jungwon was working on his Plan to make u his. He just need to wait for a couple of years to marry you. So, he won't give up.

"I'm coming Love~"

__________________________________

Note- hii since i was free i wrote this and sorry if there is any grammar mistake

[flirting-with-psychology]

Has the person you like ever seen you in your pajamas? Yes

Did the last person you kissed celebrate your last birthday with you? He was celebrating thanksgiving with his parents during my birthday but he called me

What’s the first word of the last text message you received? I

Do you think you’ve changed at all over the past year? I’ve gotten more anxiety and gotten fatter

Is there a song that reminds you of your ex? Do you still listen to that song? I Almost Do, Red, and If This Was A Movie (all by taylor swift). Yes I still listen

Did you tag anyone in your last Facebook status? Not in the post I shared, but in my last original post I tagged my boyfriend

How do you behave when you’re drunk? Usually giggly and overexcited

What is your least favorite type of chocolate? White chocolate

When was the last time you felt disappointed? What was the reason? Disappointed that the gym won’t let me cancel over the phone and might still charge me for february

Is there someone that can make you smile, even when you feel like crying? Not always

Is there a certain person on your mind right now? Tell me about him/her. My boyfriend

You’re getting ready to go to bed, and the last person you kissed shows up, what do you do? Get into bed with him

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? Being annoyed at my dad’s snoring through the walls

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Maybe

Are you okay right now? I haven’t been okay this whole year

What time did you get up today? Like 1:30

When was the last time you saw your mom? The other day

What is the last thing you drank today? Water

Do you dislike/hate anyone? Donald trump and Mitch McConnell

Where is your best friend right now? At home I assume

When will your next kiss be? As soon as we get negative test results

Will you be up before 7 am tomorrow? No

Does anyone completely understand you? No

Who was the last girl you hugged outside of family? I don’t remember, it’s been a long time

Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? No

What will you be doing in 3 hours? Probably wasting time

How often do you straighten your hair? Never now, I used to when it was short

What are you currently looking forward to? The costume sale that hopefully I will be able to go to

Is tomorrow gonna be a good day? What are you going to do? Lol probably not

Who did you last hang out with? My dad

Did anyone see your last kiss? No

Could things possibly get any better? I fucking hope so

Do you know who you’ll even kiss next? I assume it will be my boyfriend

Do you ever sleep in jeans? No, that sounds really uncomfortable

Name something you dislike about the day you’re having? Stress

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night? No

Are you in love lately? Not sure

How often do you see your ex? Rarely

Who was the last person to text you? My boyfriend

Did you like anyone last summer? Yes, my boyfriend

Do you replay things that have happened in your head? Yeah

Who was the last person you stayed up with till 2am? My boyfriend

Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend? I enjoy having one

Are you currently in a relationship? Yes

Do you use a full length mirror daily? Most days

Would you be shocked if the person you have feelings for texted you? No

Is there anyone you wish you could fix things with? I would like to reconnect with my friend Shaina

What are you planning on doing after this? Idk

Is there a girl you would do anything for? No

Who IMed you on facebook last? My mom

How old are you? 26

Do you love dogs? Yes

Were you finished childhood and teens when Harry Potter movies came out? No, they started coming out when I was in elementary school

Did you keep all your VHS tapes? Probably

Do you think Jack Nicholson is a good actor? Yeah I think so

Have you ever watched an episode of “The Honeymooners”? No

Have you ever owned a pair of high-top Converse? No

Do you have rain boots with a cute pattern on them? I have cowboy rainboots

Would you rather eat an apple or an orange right now? Apple

Would you rather do a cartwheel on land or a backflip in water? If I could do either of them, a backflip in water would be cool

Have you ever performed on stage in front of people? Yes

Were you kinda scared of the goths in high school? Not scared, just didn’t have anything in common with them

What size is your mattress?(single,twin,double,queen,king) Full size

Do you eat foods from all 4 food groups everyday? Lol no

Do you sleep in PJs? Yes

Do you prefer watching TV or listening to music? Watching TV. Listening for music needs to be accompanied by another activity

Would you rather watch a movie in theatre or at home? Theater is fun, but right now at home

Do you prefer brown or white rice? White

Do you like spaghetti? I love spaghetti

What about lasagna? No, I don’t like red sauce

Do you celebrate Christmas? No

Is your Thanksgiving celebrated in October too? Who does that?

Do you like chocolate bars? Yes

what about ice cream? Mostly, although sometimes the plain flavors are boring

Have you ever been stung by anything? What was it? Wasps a few times

Do you get tired easily? Only in the morning

Or do you always have plenty of energy to spare? No

Have you ever done volunteer work? Where? I volunteered as a teaching assistant What about court-ordered community service? No

Have you ever worn contacts?(even just to try them out) I tried but it made my vision all swimmy

Would you wear contacts on a daily basis? Maybe if I got some that worked

Are your ears pierced? How many times? One on each ear

Do you have GOD-GIVEN(not dyed) natural brown hair too? I have natural brown hair but I don’t believe it’s god-given

Or were you born blonde? No

Have you found a gray hair on your head or body before? I don’t think so. Both of my parents kept their hair color for awhile so hopefully I got that gene

Have you ever had any suspicious moles removed? Yes, on my arm

Have you ever been screened for STDs? Yes

Are all your wisdom teeth pulled? Yes

Did you have your tonsils taken out? No

Did you have your appendix taken out? No

How many kidneys do you have?(have you donated one?) I have both of them

Would you(to save someone)?^^^ I'm not sure. If it was someone I loved and there wasn’t one already on hand, maybe

Have you ever found a bug or slug in your salad? ewww no

Do you like Harry Potter? Yes

What about Twilight? It was ok, I liked it at the time I read it How do you feel about Lord of the rings? I like the movies

Are you going to see ‘The Hobbit’ when it comes out? I did

Do you have a glass that says 'Molson Canadian’ on it? No

Do you have any collector’s glasses or cups or mugs? I have a bunch of shotglasses from places I visit

Would you rather have a white fridge or a black fridge or a stainless steel fridge? Stainless steel

What size shoe do you wear? 7.5-8 womens

Do you have a wide foot or a narrow foot or just average? Kind of dorito-shaped, so some shoe types just don’t fit

Do you bite your nails when you’re stressed? No

Do you have to take an allergy pill daily in order to live normally? No

Are you on the birth control pill? No

Or are you trying to get pregnant? I’m trying not to get pregnant, but I use condoms instead

You’d rather wear black sneakers or sneakers in a bright color or pattern? Probably bright color

Has anyone ever told you they were attracted to you? Yes

Can you swim well in water way above your head? Decently

Are you afraid of thunder & lightening? No

Have you ever experienced an earthquake? No

What about a tornado? No

Are you closer to your dad?(more so than your mom) I’m probably a little closer to my mom

Were you your parents’ first born? Yes

Do you have a child? Is the father still with you? No

Did you trade stickers at recess when you were a kid? No

How old were you when you had your first crush? Do you remember their name? I was like 5 the first time I put a word to it and his name was Aidan, but I probably had sort-of crushes even before that

Can you even remember what the hell they looked like? Blond, bowl-cut at the time. He actually grew up to be really hot so I guess I knew how to pick em

Have you ever operated any type of motorized vehicle before? A car

Are you going to drink alcohol tonight? Maybe

Have you ever heard of the Canadian kids show called “Mr. Dressup”? No

What about the kids show “Fred Penner’s Place”? No

Did you hate Sesame Street when you were little too? A little

Were you born perfectly healthy or with some(or a lot) of health issues? I might have had some minor things

Do you collect DVDs? Not as a collection, but I buy movies I like a lot

Do you download music? Yes

Or do you still go to stores and buy CDs? No, those are like twice as much

Did you skip(jumo-rope) a lot as a kid? No, I was bad at it

Did you ever catch any bugs or insects with your friends as a kid? Only roly polies

Didn’t you just LOVE art class in elementary school?! Yeah

Have you ever played dodgeball? Yes but not well

What about Red Rover? No

Have you ever played “What time is it mr. wolf?”? It sounds familiar but I don’t remember it

Do you hate your weight? Yes

Have you ever struggled with a mental illness? A little

Serious question, peanut butter or nutella? Peanut butter for a sandwich, nutella for eating straight out of the jar

Have you ever stepped on a snail? No

Do you prefer baked potatoes or mashed potatoes? Mashed

Do you prefer ankle socks over regular socks? Ankle socks

Last movie you’ve seen in theaters? I can’t remember

What is your oldest sibling’s middle name? I don’t have one

Have you ever been to Disneyland or Disney World? Both

Would you ever go backpacking across any country? Probably not

Would you prefer to travel around the world by yourself or with a friend? With a friend

Do you like breadsticks? Yes

Do you usually wear shorts around your house all year long? No, but I do wear short sleeves year round

What state were you born in? Colorado

Have you ever had a nose bleed? All the time

How far away do you live from your birthplace? Like 15 minutes

Do you have a weak stomach? No

Do you know anybody who has been diagnosed with cancer? Yes

Have you ever had to take care of an intoxicated person? Yes

Have you ever considered becoming a lawyer? Slightly but not really

Do you *really* like donuts? Yes

Do you think Disney World could ever get old? At some point

If you could, would you hookup with the last person you texted? Yes

What are your favorite things to spend money on? Jewelry and nerd stuff

Will you talk to the person you like on the phone tonight? I am talking to him right now

What do you usually order on a pizza? No sauce, cheese, garlic, pinapple Do you and your boyfriend/girlfriend fight a lot? Not really

Who’s the first person with the letter “m” in your contacts? Mac

Which would you rather have a new puppy or kitten? Kitten

How old will you be on your next birthday? 27 yikes

What color are your underwear? Turquoise

Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? If it’s messy

#survey

[quietcatastrophe]

To Begin Again- Chapter 6

I’ll keep this brief by simply saying thank you to everyone who has supported the journey of this story. This chapter is a pretty emotional glimpse into Jamie’s past, and I needed to make sure I did him justice. I know I’m the absolute worst about regular updates, but I’m grateful for your patience, and for everyone who has messaged to send encouragement. This chapter it dedicated to you guys! 

Edit: I’m my rush to post yesterday, I forgot to mention my extraordinary beta @mo-nighean-rouge who polishes this tale to a shine for you all. She’s definitely the best, and I’m so grateful to her for coming on this ride with me!

Previously: 1 2 3 4 5

         Jamie’s never been a particularly great traveler—prone to feelings of nausea and vertigo, especially if he’s not the one in the driver’s seat. But there’s something about the train that he’s always found soothing. There’s a steady dependability to the tracks, the course never really changing, and the clip of the scenery as it passes by the large windows makes him feel less trapped. It also reminds him of his childhood, tagging along with his father when he performed inspections. He still remembers the swell of importance he felt when his Da placed a much too large helmet on his head, and a lurid orange ScotsRail safety vest over his shoulders.

But for every happy memory, every fond recollection, there are the shadows of others that are more bittersweet. When he first thought of bringing Claire to Lallybroch, he imagined them making this trip together—sitting maybe a little too close to each other as he regaled her with stories about the Scottish countryside—but he finds himself lost in the spiral of his thoughts. He hasn’t told her much about his past—too concerned with her present, unwilling to drag her down with the demons that he’s mostly left behind. He can tell that she’s observed the change in his mood though, notices the surreptitious glances she sends him when she thinks he’s looking out the window. He’s not hiding from her, exactly, but he’s never been comfortable with his own vulnerability. He sees her reflection in the window, can see the way she wrestles with her own thoughts as they dance across her face. She is without guile—totally unable to hide the things she’s feeling or thinking— and he envies her in a way. He’s lived within the walls of his self-imposed fortress for so long, it’s hard to remember what it’s like to have someone to confide in.

“Are you alright, Jamie? You look a little bit lost.” Her fingers twist together in her lap, and he can’t resist reaching out with his own hand to calm their motion.

“I’m alright, Sassenach. I just get a wee bit melancholy when I think of going home. It’s nothing to trouble yerself over.” He sends her a smile that’s meant to placate, but he can tell it misses the mark. Maybe that fortress is not as strong as it once was.

“Jamie, you don’t have to share anything with me if you don’t wish to, but you don’t need to hide from me either. I wouldn’t be a particularly good friend if I only ever unloaded my burdens on you, and never gave you the opportunity to do the same.” She pauses briefly, her eyes imploring him to trust in her, the way she’s trusted in him. “Besides, you’re not the only one who can be a verra good listener.” She leans closer, bumps her shoulder into his, a teasing smile shining at him. He doesn’t want to add any more stress to her life—doesn’t want her to feel like she needs to be sorry for him. But he’s never been able to open up about his past, hasn’t ever talked about those years to anyone outside of his own family.

Looking into her eyes, he sees nothing but her honest concern for him. It’s not pity—not exactly, anyway— but rather the sense that their tragedies might mirror one another. It is the difference between sympathy and empathy, thinking and knowing. He thought he was better at hiding it, better at keeping it tucked away, but perhaps in this instance he’s found the one person who might truly understand the way he feels. He already knows he can trust Claire, a fact that makes everything else seem a little less scary. Decision made, he tightens his grip on her hands and draws in a fortifying breath.

“I was a verra lucky lad growing up. I had two parents that loved each other fully, and we bairns were never wanting for anything. We werena rich by any means, but our needs were well met. My mamwas an artist, a painter mostly, and her work was well-respected. My dawas an engineer on these rail lines.” He gestures to the car around them, and she smiles softly at him, encouraging him to continue.

“Our troubles didna start until we were a bit older. My Mam, she was in a car accident. It uh..she wasna...It didna take her right away.” He inhales a shaking breath, remembering the day his mother was brought to the hospital. “She was alive, but she never regained consciousness. They said she had a traumatic brain injury, and other internal bleeding.”

He feels his stomach start to turn as he recalls the details of that day. “It wasn’t until they started prepping her for surgery that they found…they realized she was pregnant. It was early on they said, she may not have even known herself. She was 38, but it had been twelve years since I was born, so I dinna even think they thought it was still possible.” He hears the interruption in Claire’s breathing, feels the way she shifts and curls into herself, a subconscious attempt to protect and shield the bairn growing within her.   

He swipes at the tears that have begun to fall, unable to lift his gaze from the laces of his shoes. His hand is displaced as he feels Claire slide closer to him, looping her arm through his, and leaning her head against his shoulder. She squeezes his arm gently, and it’s enough to bring his eyes back to meet hers. They’re flooding with moisture just like his own, but rather than feeling drowned by her tears, he feels buoyed. They’re swimming in the sea of tragedy together. It’s enough to give him the strength to continue.

“My Da...he started to drink after. And no’ just drink like a Scotsman, mind ye. He was drunk from dawn until whenever he finally passed out from too much drink. We were all grown enough to know he had a problem, even when he was still trying to hide it from us,” He pauses to wipe away a few more tears that have escaped. Claire rests steadfastly against his side.

“Eventually, it got so bad that he couldna keep his job. That’s when Murtagh came to stay with us. But the damage was already well done by then. Willie was 18, and getting ready to leave for university in America. He was so ashamed of Da, I dinna think they spoke but in anger those few months. Jenny was 16, and already dating Ian at the time. She all but moved into his house once things got worse, shared a bedroom with Ian’s sister.” He tries to remember to make himself breathe-in through the nose, out from the mouth-repeating in his head.

“They say everyone deals with grief differently. My da dealt with it by drinking until he couldna remember. My brother got as far away from us as he could go. My sister ran away to another family, one that was whole and healthy. And then there was me.” It’s always been the hardest part for him—remembering the sudden isolation, the bitter loneliness—knowing with sudden and cruel certainty that there was nobody in the would he could depend on but himself. He drapes his palms over his bent knees, his knuckles flexing with tension.

“I considered myself a man already at twelve, ye ken? For a while I thought I could manage things when everyone else couldn’t. I thought I could be strong enough for everybody else. But time went on, and I was all alone. I got angry, Sassenach.” He looks to her, finding her eyes swollen with tears, but also smoldering with an anger of their own.

“I was angry at my mam, for leaving us. It was no’ right or fair of me, but things had been fine before she was gone. She left us alone, and we all fell apart without her. I was mad at my brother and sister, for leaving me behind. They had the means to escape and they used them, but I was still a boy, no matter what I thought about it. I was mad at my Da the most though. He couldna take care of himself, let alone mind me. By the time Murtagh came, I was different.” Her expression softens, and from anyone else it would feel too much like pity. But he knows that she truly understands. Knows that she’s also spent too much time alone and angry at everyone that left.

“I canna pretend I was an angel before it all, but after… I shut everyone out. If they were going to abandon me, I’d do the same. I was disobedient and reckless. Just a rude little bugger. Poor Murtagh threatened to skelp me on an almost daily basis, but I didna care.” He remembers these days a little more wistfully as his angry independence days. Making his own choices, taking charge, doing whatever he liked… it was his Peter Pan year.

“But as I got older, things only got worse. I made friends with the wrong crowd, started sneaking out and then just leaving for days at a time. I fancied myself a wee renegade ye see, acted as if I was invincible. I didna think Da even knew most of the times I’d run off. I always expected that I’d get back, and he’d be waiting for me in the dooryard with his arms crossed, ready to knock some sense back into me,” he attempts a weak smile, but feels the corners of his lips turn down instead. “He didna have any sense to spare then, though. Then it was Murtagh waiting for me, threatening to nail my ear to the barn door if I’d run off again, and dragging me by my ear so hard I thought he might actually do it.” He does manage a smile this time, one that she mirrors, thinking of his godfather, and all of the layers he hides beneath his surly exterior.

“It went on like that for a few years. We were existing, but no’ really living. My Da kept drinking himself into oblivion, and I kept running amok. I started high school with a criminal record.” He can’t help but look at her face, the need to see her reaction, to know how she feels, is overwhelming. “I had a wee...trespassing habit. I got more than my fair share of warnings, mind ye, but I didna heed them. I had no care for consequences.” Her gaze is assessing, but she doesn’t pull away from him, as he feared she might.

“For my sixteenth birthday, some of my mates...procured me a motorcycle. I didna ask any questions, but I knew that they didn’t come by it through honest means. I felt freer on that bike than I had ever felt in my life, Sassenach. Like none of my problems could keep up with me, if I just kept pushing the throttle. I could go anywhere I wanted, no one could stop me. Or so I thought, anyway,” he shifts in his seat, angling his knees toward her, bringing them face to face.

“I only had the bike about three weeks before I wrecked it. I loved to ride in the rain, even though it was dangerous. Maybe even because it was dangerous. I’d been running some hills, flying over the crests, making a great muddy mess of things. I’d started making my way home, still going way too fast, of course. I could see the lights from the village as I came down the last bend, but instead of banking the turn, I lost control on the loose gravel.” Her hand comes to rest on his knee, and he slides his palm over hers.

“I was thrown off the bike, and sailed quite a ways through the air before I met the dirt. Next thing I remember is waking up in hospital, stuck on my belly, no’ able to feel much of anything. I had only been wearing a t-shirt to ride, and when I was tossed, I landed on my back and slid across the road. I must’ve passed out from the pain, because I still canna recall being found, or the ride to the hospital. I was alone when I woke the first time, and I was sure I was dead. Everything was so white and still, and I couldna make my body move. When the doctor came in to see me, he told me I was lucky,” he shakes his head, able to see the truth in those words now, but at the time he thought the man was mad.

“I couldna possibly understand how anyone could think me lucky. Sure, I wasna dead, but I think part of me then would have welcomed death. My mind hadna been right for a long time, but then for my body to give out too...I think I almost wished for it.” He’s never said these words aloud before. Never let them breach the darkest corners of his thoughts, and it is both cathartic and terrifying to declare his demons.

“The accident was a wakeup call for all of us. When I woke the next morning, my Da was in the chair next to my bed. It was the first time I’d seen him stone sober in three and a half years. He kept telling me was how sorry he was, and that he was going to get better. That he was going to be our father again. I dinna ken how to believe in him anymore, but it did mean a lot that he was there with me. He was the one to call Willie and Jenny to let them know what had happened. Jenny was at the hospital less than an hour later. Willie came back to Scotland for the first time since leaving for school. We didna remember how to be near each other, how to be a family, but I think we all recognized that maybe we’d been given a second chance.” He hasn’t thought about those first few days in so long, the tentative rebuilding of his family something he prefers to leave soundly in the past. It had been unbearably awkward at first— they felt apprehensive around each other, unsure of how and if they still fit together — and Jamie had been in and out of lucidity due to the pain medication.  

“And now? Have you had that second chance?” She asks, the hope in her voice is unmistakable.

“Aye, Mo Nighean Donn, we have. There are more good memories now than bad ones, which is why I’m so keen on taking ye. I think it’ll do ye some good to be away from all your troubles. And now that I’ve shared with ye all of my darkness, I’d like verra much to show you the light. Just like you’ve shown it to me, Sorcha.

Claire lifts their joined hands to her lips, placing a lingering kiss to the back of his hand. “Thank you. Thank you for telling me.” Her grip tightens, and he wiggles his fingers until they interlace with hers.

“Are ye no’ scared of me then? Of my past? I’d understand if ye dinna want to be friends with someone like me.” his whole body sinks, his eyes downcast, the thought of her walking out of his life hitting him like a fist to the gut.  

“Someone like you? James Fraser, please look at me!” she demands, her palm coming to rest on his cheek. “I can’t think of anyone that I like better than you, Jamie. You’re my best friend. Knowing about your past? It’s just another piece of what formed you in to the brilliant man you are today. If you can accept the baggage that I come with…” the hand not resting on his face moves to her belly. “If you can accept me as I am, knowing all you know about my past, then please know I can do the same for you. Readily, happily. And I’m so honored, really, that you chose me of all people, to share your story with. I’ve never felt...never known anyone like you before, Jamie. I’ve never been able to talk to someone the way I’ve talked to you, or related to someone as easily. I didn’t think I was ever going to be happy again, and then all of a sudden, there you were. I never saw you coming, really. But I’m so glad you did.”

He knows that it’s a risk— maybe too big of a risk— but he can’t seem to stop himself. He can’t seem to connect to his thoughts, reeling as they are, as his lips press gently to hers. He’s so overwhelmed with gratitude for her. To have met someone who understands him, who appreciates him just as he is, even knowing the shadows of his past...it’s more than he’s ever hoped for. He eases back a moment later, the contact brief yet poignant. He can see some of the longing he feels mirrored back to him as their eyes meet. Her brows are still raised just slightly, expressing her surprise at his sudden gesture. But he’s happy to note that she also looks more than a little pleased, the corners of her lips turned up in a coy smile.

“I’m glad I did as well, Sassenach.” She slides closer to his side, resting her head on his shoulder. It’s not close enough, so he brings his arm around her shoulders, tucking her head below his chin. They still have about an hour left before they arrive in Inverness, and he’d like nothing more than to spend that hour holding the woman he loves. And as Claire snuggles further into his chest, he thinks that she’ll be amenable to the idea as well.  

#outlander fan fiction prompt exchange #outlander #modern au #jamie and claire

[lukesvalentine-blog1]

Get To Know Me Tag

1. What is your full name? Alicia M. Stinnett

2. What is your nickname? Ally

3. What is your zodiac sign? Sagittarius

4. What is your favorite book series? I can’t focus enough to read one book, let alone a whole series lol

5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? both

6. Who is your favorite author? John Green

7. What is your favorite radio station? 94.5

8. What is your favorite flavor of anything? I love chocolate. Mainly dark chocolate. So, that I guess?

9. What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful? Dope

10. What is your current favorite song? Good Enough by Little Mix, but it's gonna probably change in about 2 or 3 days

11. What is your favorite word? Doggo or puppo

12. What was the last song you listened to? Hair by Little Mix

13. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? Stranger Things or Riverdale

14. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? I usually watch youtube when I’m feeling down so I’m just gonna say Buzzfeed Unsolved.

15. Do you play video games? Not really. I love watching people play then though

16. What is your biggest fear? Being ignored and unloved by someone a really care about.

17. What is your best quality, in your opinion? I’m loyal

18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? My anxiety makes me too paranoid about everything so that.

19. Do you like cats or dogs better? Dogs

20. What is your favorite season? I like fall and spring. Can’t choose tbh.

21. Are you in a relationship? Just got out of one a few days ago..

22. What is something you miss from your childhood? Not being stressed all the time

23. Who is your best friend? Kaleigh and Bailey

24. What is your eye color? They change from blue, to green, to turquoise, and to gray.

25. What is your hair color? Light brown on top and ombre` to blonde

26. Who is someone you love? My ex..

27. Who is someone you trust? My two best friends and my ex

28. Who is someone you think about often? My ex...

29. Are you currently excited about/for something? Sorta. I have dress rehearsals for a choir performance tomorrow, but i've been pretty down lately so I’ll probably end up crying.

30. What is your biggest obsession? Music

31. What was your favorite TV show as a child? Hannah Montana

32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? My ex

33. Are you superstitious? yep

34. Do you have any unusual phobias? I probably do, but I can’t think of any right now

35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? It depends on what I’m doing for the camera.

36. What is your favorite hobby? Singing

37. What was the last book you read? I honestly don’t remember

38. What was the last movie you watched? The Autopsy of Jane Doe

39. What musical instruments do you play, if any? Just my voice

40. What is your favorite animal? Dogs or Penguins (not bc it was Luke’s favorite lol)

41. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow? I’m not on Tumblr enough to have a top 5 blogs

42. What superpower do you wish you had? telekinesis

43. When and where do you feel most at peace? In my now ex boyfriends arms on a Saturday evening

44. What makes you smile? It was my boyfriend, but thats over so I’m gonna say 5SOS, Little Mix, music in general, and singing.

45. What sports do you play, if any? Ew sports. I play none.

46. What is your favorite drink? Pepsi, but I’ve been drinking a lot of water for the past year so I could lose weight and it's killing me, bc i was obsessed with Pepsi.

47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? I don’t remember, but probably not too long ago, bc I write a lot.

48. Are you afraid of heights? Nah

49. What is your biggest pet peeve? Big egos and being dicks about it

50. Have you ever been to a concert? Yep. One Direction, but I only went to see 5SOS. Oops?

51. Are you vegan/vegetarian? Nah, but I’m not much into meat.

52. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? A pop singer

53. What fictional world would you like to live in? Maybe Harry Potter, but I don’t wanna fight any bad guy. I just wanna go to Hogwarts and do magic.

54. What is something you worry about? My ex not coming back or not caring, not being able to focus on school work, my mom’s mental health, and my mental health.

55. Are you scared of the dark? Nah

56. Do you like to sing? YES

57. Have you ever skipped school? All the time, but mainly, bc of my anxiety problems

58. What is your favorite place on the planet? My ex’s arms..

59. Where would you like to live? A little further from where I live now, but in the same state and close enough to the college I wanna go to.

60. Do you have any pets? Yep. 4 amazing doggos

61. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? Night owl, definitely.

62. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? Sunsets

63. Do you know how to drive? Yep, but not a stick shift and that’s what type of car I have, so I can’t drive it yet.

64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? earbuds

65. Have you ever had braces? nope

66. What is your favorite genre of music? Don’t have a favorite.

67. Who is your hero? My mom.

68. Do you read comic books? nope

69. What makes you the most angry? My anxiety problems fucking up my life

70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? Electronic device so I can turn off all the lights and get less distracted and actually be able to read.

71. What is your favorite subject in school? Choir

72. Do you have any siblings? Yep. One full brother, one half brother, and one half sister.

73. What was the last thing you bought? I think it was a Starbucks doubleshot coffee that you can get at a gas station or WalMart

74. How tall are you? 4’10

75. Can you cook? Yep

76. What are three things that you love? Singing/music, my loved ones, and animals.

77. What are three things that you hate? Anxiety, depression, and mainly my brain.

78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends? Female

79. What is your sexual orientation? Pansexual

80. Where do you currently live? Kentucky

81. Who was the last person you texted? My ex

82. When was the last time you cried? Like, an hour ago?

83. Who is your favorite YouTuber? Don’t have one, but I do love Buzzfeed Unsolved.

84. Do you like to take selfies? Yep, but only with fiters.

85. What is your favorite app? Instagram or Snapchat

86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? I’m really close to my mom and my dad is okay, but usually isn’t really there for me or my full brother.

87. What is your favorite foreign accent? French or British

88. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? I have a lot of places I wanna go to, but I guess Japan is my number 1.

89. What is your favorite number? 5 (not bc of 5SOS lol. 5 has always been a significant number in my life for many reasons.)

90. Can you juggle? eh

91. Are you religious? eh

92. Do you find outer space or the deep ocean to be more interesting? Outer space

93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? Lol no

94. Are you allergic to anything? Yep. Animal hair and coconut. Most allergic to cats.

95. Can you curl your tongue? yep

96. Can you wiggle your ears? nope

97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? A lot tbh, bc I usually am.

98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? Beach 100%

99. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? Nothing will put you down unless you let it.

100. Are you a good liar? It depends on who im lying to and what I’m lying about. Usually I’m bad at it though.

101. What is your Hogwarts House? Gryffindor

102. Do you talk to yourself? Yep. A lot lol

103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Introvert, but I wouldn’t mind going places for people I love and care about.

104. Do you keep a journal/diary? yep

105. Do you believe in second chances? yep

106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? Take it to the police so they can find who owns it.

107. Do you believe that people are capable of change? yep

108. Are you ticklish? Only in one place

109. Have you ever been on a plane? nope

110. Do you have any piercings? Yep. My ears, cartilage, and nose.

111. What fictional character do you wish was real? Landon Carter from A Walk To Remember

112. Do you have any tattoos? Nope, but I’m getting one this summer

113. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? Got into theater

114. Do you believe in karma? yep

115. Do you wear glasses or contacts? Used to, but grew out of it.

116. Do you want children? Yep. I want a boy and a girl, but no matter what I have, I will love them so much and spoil the shit out of them.

117. Who is the smartest person you know? My mom

118. What is your most embarrassing memory? Telling my cousins to get lost bc we don’t want them there as a joke, but then realize it wasn’t actually them.

119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? Multiple times

120. What colour are most of your clothes? Pink

121. Do you like adventures? Definitely

122. Have you ever been on TV? Only once, bc my friend was on the news for getting into a dog attack and I was interviewed since I saw it happen

123. How old are you? 17

124. What is your favorite quote? “if you don’t heal what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you.” - Crystal Leigh (soon to be Clifford)

125. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? Savory

[csadler58-blog]

Ups and Downs

I have always been one to react to traumatic situations differently. I have a tendency to act fine in the beginning and then all the sudden days, weeks, even months later, I break down and it’s never pretty. For the first 6 months-1 year of having diabetes, I did AWESOME! Always checked my sugars, (4 times a day) ate breakfast, lunch, dinner and all my snacks at the same time every day, and always counted and measured EVERYTHING. My mom was more than I could have ever asked for in a parent. She got up early every morning before work and school and made me breakfast. Measured my cereal, milk, juice, fruit, all of it. She packed my lunches, and always cooked my dinners in the same manner. I learned from the beginning to do my own shots. (My mom was terrified of needles, she even took a class for new diabetic parents where they had to check their sugars and take saline shots for I think it was a week, and she would start sweating and shaking every time. 😂) So not only was I taking on the responsibility of the disease in itself, but I was always in charge of giving my own meds. In retrospect, it was a lot to take on at such a young age, and I should have let more people help me, but I was super stubborn lol. It’s a blessing and a curse! So anyway, about a year passes and I officially got into middle school. (I was in 6th grade when I was diagnosed and turned 12 the next January after the hospital stay.) With the stresses of middle school, sports, hormones, and also the fact that I was getting a new sibling, (yay!!!) I lost it. I started getting very angry and depressed, although at the time I didn’t know what was going on. One day at school, I just completely lost my marbles and drew a line on my wrist with red marker and said when I got home, that was what I was going to do. That was the beginning of my mental illness. I spent about a week in OSU Harding Hospital, which to most would be called the looney bin. 😂 I was diagnosed with major depression, ADD, and borderline personality disorder, which was later just dropped to major depressive disorder over the years. I later developed a hair pulling anxiety disorder called trichotellamania and it caused me a lot of problems in high school because at a certain time I had no hair on the top of my head and I had also pulled out all my eyelashes on the top and bottom and my eyebrows as well. I wore scarves to cover my head and even had to get special permission from the principal because student weren’t aloud to wear anything on their heads unless it was for religious purposes. (This mostly pertained to Muslim and Arab girls who wore the scarves around their faces and heads to cover their hair.) It was a really hard time in my life and I was put on a lot of different medications. Depokote for mood swings, Prozac for the depression, Anafranil for anxiety and Concerta for concentration. After a year I was taken off Prozac and was put on Zoloft, which is the only one of these meds I still take now.

That was the first of 3 different hospitalizations at Harding Hospital. It was around that first hospitalization that I really started to neglect my sugars. I also ended up being diagnosed with hypertension at age 14 and was put on Lisinopril. It was like pulling teeth getting me to check my sugars, to take my insulin and also to take my pills. One thing I remember vividly from my childhood was my moms voice screaming, “TAKE YOUR PILLS!!!” 😂 I would even make up sugars and just write them down in my log book right before my appts with Doctor Sotos so I wouldn’t get yelled at. 😳🙄 When my a1c blood work would come back, they would know I was lying. This would eventually cause Doctor Sotos to drop me as his patient when I was 18 for noncompliance. It would later be one of the biggest regrets of my life losing him as an endocrinologist, as I never again found one I liked as well as him. The more I was asked to take care of myself, the more I wouldn’t. This behavior put me in the regular hospital, OFTEN. In middle and high school, it wasn’t so bad up until 11-12th grade. But all throughout school, I used my diabetes as an excuse to get away with EVERYTHING. Always getting out of class, used it to borrow money from people all the time to get snacks I didn’t need to have, to get out of marching when I was in band.. you name it, I did it. I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to. My mom was very strict with me but her and I had a very tumultuous relationship when I was teenager. Whatever she asked or told me to do, I did the exact opposite just to spite her. We fought constantly and every single day I regret all the things I’ve put her through. I was very mean, and hateful to EVERYONE except the people that didn’t matter. It was an awful time for me. When I was 18 I quit school and also quit my meds including my insulin on most days. I do believe that was the year I was hospitalized every single month of the year with diabetic ketoacidosis. Ketoacidosis is something that people with diabetes get when they have long term bouts of high blood sugars. It causes flu like symptoms which include fevers, dehydration, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. (TMI I KNOW, but necessary and important in the story. Deal with it 😂) When I was 19, that’s when I started drinking pretty heavily. I also ended up pregnant with my son Aden that year. I was a high risk pregnancy both because of my diabetes and because of my hypertension, so I should have been going to a specialized doctor every two weeks. I NEVER went to the doctor. I had a lot of complications, including bleeding, I also caught pneumonia and my sugars continued to be all over the place. Everyone in my family was getting fed up.

At 20 years old, I was 5 months pregnant and still completely in denial that I needed to grow up. My mom and I had a huge fight (I don’t remember what it was over) and she gave me an ultimatum. She said I needed to either get a job and start taking care of myself for me and my child, or I needed to leave. I was so hard headed, that I told her I would rather live in a shelter than listen to anything she said to me- so that’s exactly what I did. I only ended up there for about a week, maybe 10 days, and then I got a bus pass and road to my moms work, and BEGGED her to take me back in. I swore I would change and that I would do the right thing. Little did I know, the damage had been done. I never got a job, although I filled an application or two out on occasion to keep my family off my back. On May 7, 2008 I went into labor with my son, and it was the worst experience of my life, even worse than being on dialysis or having to get a transplant. I have expressed my sorrow before to others and on social media, and I know for a long time people didn’t believe I was truly pregnant or had a child because of how secretive I was about the whole thing. There were reasons for that in which I will not elaborate on, but it was real, and the pain I felt, the tears I shed and the loss I experienced were not imagined or made up. I was in ketoacidosis when I got to the hospital, and so when I went into ICU and I had been stabilized, and taken to the maternity floor, they couldn’t find a heartbeat for the baby. When I saw the still, silent screen and they told me the reality I never imagined I’d have to face, I had never and probably will never feel that type of emptiness again. My heart sank to my feet, and I just sat there with tears streaming down my still, emotionless face. The image of that screen will forever be burned into my brain. On May 8, I delivered my stillborn son, Aden Bryce Sadler. I held him in my arms for quite some time after all was said and done. I have never talked about the things I said to my son that day or what I am going to describe next TO ANYONE, but I feel it’s time. Part of the reason I’m doing this blog is because I need to get everything out and forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made. Everything I’ve done, wrong and right has brought me to where I am and no matter which angle you look from, I’m blessed to be alive and considering my situation, things could be a lot worse. DO NOT CONTINUE READING THIS PARAGRAPH IF YOU ARE EASILY EMOTIONAL, AS I CRIED WRITING THIS.. They wrapped him in a little blue and white stripped blanket, with a blue hat. I remember the color of his poor lifeless face and the hat were almost the same. He had my lips and the shape of my eyes, with long eyelashes just like mine. Dark hair that poked out of the sides of his hat, but only wavy, not ringlets like I had when I was born. He had his fathers nose, and big ol’ head, haha. I had never seen a creature so beautiful and I’d never felt so much love and so much sadness at the same time. I couldn’t tell you how many times I kissed him and rocked him close to my body, as I knew it would be the first and last time I ever would. All I could say in that moment where time stood still was this, “I’m so sorry, I love you so much. I’m so so sorry.” I just kept repeating it over and over again. The nurse came in and told me it was time. It felt like it had only been a moment and she practically had to pry him from me. I cried until I had no more tears, so long and hard that I dry heaved a few times. The worst part about it, was that I was completely alone. I was completely alone and the reason was because I pushed everyone away and locked them all out. For the first time I realized how wrong I had been, but I had too much pride to admit it. I went on for the next two months like nothing was wrong, until I got sick, and this time a simple hospital stay wouldn’t cut it. This was the first time I hit rock bottom.

[etoilesdephan]

Burn bright for my constellations (Chapter 1)

Chapter masterpost

Summary: As the glass shattered, so did Dan.

Now left to deal with the mental and physical challenges of healing, Dan has to learn how to readjust to the normal high school life, where dealing with loss is harder than it seems when everyone he counted on has left him. It takes time, and a helping hand, to realise that everyone comes with their own scars and that through honesty and self-acceptance they will flourish once again.

Trigger warnings: minor character death, Graphic Descriptions of wounds, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Esteem Issues, death mention, hospitalisation, health issues, early childhood illness, bullying, other tags might be added as the story progresses

Word count: 4.2k

Read it on ao3!

A/N: Finally the silence has been broken! :D I have been working on several fics that I will be very excited to reveal to you all soon, but here we go with one of them! I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I am enjoying writing it :') Due to the fact that I have just started university again, some updates might be delayed, but I am intending to update every Sunday! Comments, likes and reblogs are highly appreciated! :D <3

=====

The whispers around him were like buzzing bees, or was it more like flies? They circled around him, sometimes closer, sometimes - further away, but always so present that it made him uncomfortable.

They were definitely more like flies, Dan decided soon, wondering and wandering, not coexisting in the world oblivious of him like bees would.

But he didn't want to think of flies.

The whizzing, the hiss of something further away, the pained sounds from barely conscious mouths…

The mere thought of the memory made him want to gag, because his body was spent and his stomach was the fastest to react when things got too much. The tight knot that pulled at the centre of his being made it hard for him to continue walking, but he pushed onwards, leaning on the crutch clumsily as his fingers curled tightly around the handle.

Doctors had said that an accident like his was bound to leave a psychological trauma; that paranoia was just a side-effect to the stress caused by the happenings, and that with the appropriate measures they could come close to fixing it. One thing Dan found hard to believe in all the long-winding explanations was that eventually it would pass. For most part.

Like hell something so horrific could stop being so vivid in his memory.

Like the scars and pain wouldn't be a reminder of it for the months and years to come.

Like the limp and the crutch would not make him so sore that he'd find it hard to sleep, and sleep, they said, was the true medicine for his psyche.

Like it was mere paranoia that made it feel like everyone was looking at him, when it was clear that his reappearance was bound to stir some reactions.

And why did they have to stare like that?

It wasn't like Dan wasn't used to the attention; he'd received different kinds of it throughout the 16 years of his life and had always found a way to deal with it. But something about this time was so wildly different that he simply wanted to melt into the floor with every difficult step taken so they would finally stop. Instead, he reached out to pull at the hood with his free hand, trying to see how far he could draw it over his eyes so even when he would look up nobody would see how deep the marks had been carved in him.

Throughout the years Dan had been everything. He had been the kid that was too open, too happy and theatrical for his peers to take him seriously and so they had turned to bullying him until Dan had moved and switched schools. He had been the shy new kid, quiet and polite but with an increasingly sarcastic edge, always studying well no matter the kind of shenanigans that he was drawn into. The kids grew and before long the puberty hit. He became tall and lean, and his dark sense of sarcastic humour became a thing of admiration rather than something that people found silly or even shied away from. He became the teen that was at all the parties, the social butterfly that managed to still juggle studies, and people either wanted to be with him or wanted to be him.

And he revelled in that attention.

He drank and smoked though he knew it was bad for him. But it didn't make anything more difficult, only a few mornings. He still maintained his grades, his social life, somehow juggled the things that had always seemed so difficult for others. Some called him a pushover who would eventually burn out, others - an extremely lucky and talented guy.

He could only guess that this luck that they spoke of had ran out.

It hadn't even been reckless teenagers driving in the dead of night after partying, no. It had been a road trip that they had suddenly agreed upon with the arrival of the summer break. The winding roads had been deemed dangerous and they had made sure to pay close attention to carefully get through the part of highlands that they had no way of avoiding.

The man driving the small van had swerved on the road and ended into their lane very suddenly. It was only because of Tuck, who had been at the steering wheel, that they hadn't had a face first collision with it.

That single pull of the steering wheel to save them all had sent them through the metal railing somehow. Dan could barely remember how it happened. All he recalled was the tumbling, the screams, the crashing and the pain.

So, so much pain.

It was an excruciating feeling that he remembered last before passing out and it was that same feeling that had made him come out of it momentarily. He recalled only a couple of things in between; the ringing in his head, the way that the dusty sun rays would try to tickle his bleeding nose, the way that there was the taste of iron in his mouth and that when he tried to move, the pain that shot through the entirety of his body made him fall right back into the darkness.

When Dan came to his senses next, the world was a mess of stuffiness in his head and stiffness throughout his whole body. It took a while to fully regain his senses and even then it had only been the beginning.

There had been five of them.

Even before Dan had fully come to it, they had buried one of them.

Tuck had paid with his life, saving the rest of them in the process.

Days were a mixture of bleary consciousness and flashy, uncomfortable dreams. The sedatives burned out and the pain set in. He tried to work through it, but it was hard when his limbs were as broken as his spirit seemed to be when days began losing their meaning one by one, and he was still largely bound to the hospital bed.

Until finally he was released and tried to get back into the life as he had known it before.

As easy as the task had seemed, he soon realised that it was far from it. His bedroom was upstairs, but the stairs were his enemies when the rest of the world remained at the bottom of them. So it was only several weeks into being back at home that Dan finally could close the doors behind himself and have the privacy again.

And as he lied in his bed, staring up at the soft hue of the fairy lights on his ceiling, he found himself thinking. He wanted to forget about the time in the hospital, about the procedures, the medication and the removal of the stitches from where the bones in his right arm had fractured and pierced his skin. He didn't want to remember the pain in his spine that would come and go, decreasing over time yet still an obvious reminder of what had happened. He wanted to find more purpose to his days than just healing again. He wanted something else to fill his mind aside from the terrors and sadness, the anger that came with the discomfort and the silence that he opted for because when his mind was stuck in one lane, his lips stayed silent.

Silence was never quiet though. Every pause between each shift was filled in by that sound in his ears, in his head, and though at first he ignored it, soon he found himself craving for the background sounds to never end. He found peace in music as it took place in his life more than it had before, through the day and night, softly murmuring in the background of everything.

Before he knew it, it was time to try again, to return to school and try to catch up on what he had missed. After all it was his last year before the A levels and Dan took pride in his smarts.

Now as he limped through the hallways towards the English classroom however, he felt weighed down by everything. He wanted to be in his bed again, under the covers, playing the music on his old player on shuffle just to drown out the world a little better.

He stopped, eyes downcast as he stared at the rubber tip of his crutch, and it took him a moment to realise that he had been holding his breath, until he gasped softly. There was heat in his face and he took a moment to compose himself before looking up again.

  “Good morning,” Someone greeted him with a smile and a wave and it took Dan by surprise when the boy that he didn't recall ever seeing passed by with the greeting before walking right into the classroom. There was no pity in that action, only friendliness that Dan had nearly forgotten about.

“Hey, Dan!” Louise appeared as if out of the blue and that made Dan jump only to hiss under his breath when his bad ankle wobbled uncomfortably.

“I don't need more health issues, Louise,” He held his free hand over his heart where it actually beat faster than necessary, but played it off as being dramatic. All that play melted though, when he saw the worry in her eyes and Dan pressed his lips in a thin line for a moment before clarifying, “It was a joke.”

“I know,” She replied almost instantly before looking away and her grip on the book that she was holding tightened visibly, “But I can't ignore what happened, so you joking about it so easily...” She trailed off.

That made the bitterness in Dan's soul grow and it showed in the way the corners of his mouth drooped more, “I don't want to dance around it. It happened but I want to focus on other things finally.”

“Of course, love,” Her tone was soft, motherly and as much as Dan wanted to be angry, he couldn't. It was Louise, and they had been friends since Dan had transferred to this school in fifth grade. He knew she wished him well and always worried about him.

“Let's get to class?” Dan suggested when the silence extended between them too long and she nodded, offering Dan her soft, bright smile.

The classroom was buzzing with noise, and at first nobody seemed to notice that Dan was in the room. He appreciated the anonymity, as he struggled to settle in his seat and with the zipper of his backpack which suddenly was stuck. Mutely, he nodded a thanks when Louise finally couldn't watch his struggle anymore and reached out to unzip it and began pulling out Dan's textbooks and pens.

It was a light touch to his shoulder that startled Dan enough that some of the students finally noticed him, but Dan ignored them and instead looked up only to see Mrs. Barlow, his English teacher smiling down at him, “Welcome back, Daniel,” She said before looking up at Louise, ”Let me know if you need any help with catching up. I'm sure Louise is ready to fill you in though.”

“Glad to be back,” Dan managed to insert before the teacher began down the rows to the front of the classroom.

The stares were back, they made Dan's skin crawl. He fiddled with the pen, trying to stubbornly stare at the blackboard through the forest of people, but the stares burned on his skin like fire.

Before he knew it, his eyes had trailed over to an empty seat and his heart ached at the sight. It was easy to imagine Tuck sitting there, doodling in his textbook out of boredom as the teacher spoke. Now it was only a ghost of memory that Dan saw and it hurt to know that it would fade and be washed away as they time passed.

Throat dry, he swallowed and looked down at the table where his fingers were gripping the pen with enough strength that he felt the ghostly pains return, shooting through the length of his right arm unpleasantly but not unfamiliarly. He let the pen roll onto the table when he released it, hoping that the feeling would subside, but instead it felt like it was growing, expanding and he had forgotten just how uncomfortable the wooden seats were. His back was stiff and he shifted, but it only made it worse. Fingers gripped at the edge of the table and he squeezed his eyes shut, the ringing making the words of his teacher blur into an incomprehensible mess. His knuckles were turning white but he didn't see it and it was only when another pain shot through the length of his arm and he gasped that the words finally reached him.

“Daniel? Are you alright?” The voice of Mrs. Barlow finally broke through the ringing and his eyes snapped open and he looked up quickly, the hood falling back a little and he quickly reached out with his good hand to tug it back over his eyes.

“May I excuse myself?” Dan asked, ignoring her question and the looks from his classmates, and reached out for the crutch to clumsily pull himself back onto his feet. He needed to get out, he needed fresh air.

As he limped out into the hallway, he leaned against the wall, resting the back of his head against the wall too, and breathed in and out several times until everything seemed to become numb again.

He could hear the voices, muffled by closed doors, all around and down the length of the hallway. There was some discussion in one class, some yelling in another, door opened and closed somewhere further away. It was like life had not changed one bit though one less body occupied the premises.

With a quiet grunt, Dan pushed himself away from the wall and began his trek down the hallway slowly, the rubber of the crutch against the floor creating a strange cacophony mixed in with the sound of Dan's shuffling feet and heavy breaths. His mind was full, but he tried to push those thoughts away and slowly, slowly, as he neared the bathrooms it seemed like he was finally making sense of the whirling memories and ideas.

He reached out to push the door open when it was suddenly pulled open from the inside.

What Dan was faced with was somebody he hadn't seen in months. Somebody whose voice was starting to fade in his mind and whose face was also riddled with little scars much like Dan's though Dan could spot clumsy attempts of trying to cover them up with makeup probably stolen from the older sister.

“Matt,” Dan gasped out barely above a whisper and the blonde seemed to snap out of his surprise at that. Dan didn't even notice the rigidness of the other boy's stance; as soon as he was faced with his friend, he was hit with the heaviness of the reality stronger than ever. All that shit had really happened and they were left to try and pick up the pieces which Dan felt himself falling apart into now. He had felt so stable and now it was gone and he was crashing and burning.

All his lips formed was a pitiful, pained sound, as he spoke, “He's gone.”

That made Matt tense up even more and he looked away, “He is.”

Dan wanted to say more, to ask more, to seek for a solution, but it was silence that set between the two and Matt kept stubbornly staring down the hallway and avoiding looking at Dan. “Listen, I have to get back to class,” Finally Matt spoke and without giving Dan a chance to respond, carefully pushed past and almost ran. Dan kept watching until he disappeared around the corner.

He felt so cold.

So alone.

Abandoned.

It felt like an eternity had passed until Dan finally moved again, turning away from the bathrooms and beginning his limp down the hall and towards the exit. The yard was wet, the weather drizzling lightly and the air crisp cool, turning Dan's breaths into small puffs of white as he carefully made his way towards the gym building.

The cold entered his lungs and expanded from his chest to the ends of all of his limbs, making him shiver, but he continued on until he leaned against the dark bricks on the gym building where the noise on the inside indicated an ongoing lesson. He remained there, allowing the hood to fall back and felt the thin drizzle greedily begin covering his face and soak his hair, making it curl again at the ends.

It was cold but with the coolness some peace took over and he looked up at the sky, the thin droplets getting caught in dark lashes, where the grey clouds seemed to be endless as they hovered over the world. It was the very same sky as it always had been and it was something that rarely changed.

===

“You know that's bad for you, right?” A laughing voice suddenly spoke up, making Dan jump and nearly drop his cigarette as he rushed to hide it. Though a good student, he knew that he would get in an insane amount of trouble if any of the teachers caught him smoking.

Thankfully, it was a friendly face that he saw, even if he could see a bit of judgement in those eyes.

“Tuck,” Dan breathed in relief, bringing the cigarette out from behind him and put it between his lips again to take another drag before he blew the smoke at his friend, “You nearly scared me to death, you twat,” He laughed when Tuck scrunched up his face and brought his hand up to wave the smoke away.

“I don’t think you’ll need me for that,” Tuck gave another pointed glare at the cigarette and Dan rolled his eyes, grinning at his friend.

“Come on, Mr. Starling was stressing everyone out talking about the upcoming tests. I deserve something to calm me down.”

“As if you of all people would be stressed about the tests,” Tuck just shook his head when Dan laughed. He took another drag before dropping the cigarette butt and stepped on it until he extinguished it.

“Fine, it’s out, it was the only cigarette of the day,” Dan brought his hands up defensively when Tuck gave him a stare that said that he didn’t believe Dan, “I promise. I don’t have any more on me,” And as if to case the point, he pulled out the empty cigarette pack and showed it to the other boy.

“Are you going to that party tomorrow? At Julien’s place,” Tuck changed the subject with ease, making Dan smile brightly and fondly.

“I wouldn’t miss it even if you paid me, you know that.”

===

The ringing of the bell drew Dan out of his memories and he blinked a couple of times until his vision cleared and he looked over at the main building. He was cold, the rainwater slowly beginning to seep through the threads of his clothing, but he didn’t want to go back to the class. He hated the stares and the emptiness of that seat at English was still haunting him.

Dan understood though, that if he disappeared that they would go looking for him, would call his parents and cause a scene. Every day he was struggling with the guilt for having made his parents worried, for the little lines of concern that had found their permanent residence on his mother’s face, the constant protectiveness of his father, the way that Adrian was always nearby, trying to get Dan's attention as if he had missed it terribly and was trying to regain the missed time.

So, despite how much he didn’t want to return, he tugged the hood over his head again and began a slow limp back towards the main building.

===

“Where have you been?” Louise asked as soon as she spotted Dan and the relief was clear on her features as she walked up on him, “Have you been outside?” She noted the way Dan's clothing was clearly wet and frowned.

Dan just shrugged and reached out for his backpack that she was holding on and reluctantly she let it go only for Dan to throw it over his shoulder, “I needed some fresh air,” Dan half-lied when she gave him another questioning look, and she sighed, shaking his head.

“Please be careful and don't disappear like that anymore,” She asked and when Dan shrugged again, she rolled her eyes and blew a kiss at him, “I have to run, but I will see you tomorrow, okay?” And just like that, she was gone and Dan stood on the side of the busy hallway, watching as the people passed by. It was almost like in a blur, everything seemed so unclear and he allowed his attention to trail off with it.

“Sorry, where’s the Art class?” A voice drew Dan out of his daydream and he looked up to see the same boy who had greeted him in the morning and no matter how hard Dan racked his brain, he found no name to attach to the face.

“Hello?” The stranger waved his hand in front of Dan's face when Dan didn't reply and Dan felt his whole attention zone back in and he looked away from the blue-eyed man’s pale face and down at the printed schedule that he was holding up.

“Yes, sorry,” Dan reached out to take the schedule, eyes finding the class number, “It's on the second floor, up that stairway,” He pointed the direction out and the boy followed with his gaze, nodding energetically at the directions, “It should be on the right side unless they have moved the classroom suddenly.”

The stranger laughed, a little nervous edge to his voice, “I hope they don't, I've been struggling to find my classes already without that.”

Dan allowed a fond laugh to fall from his lips, “Good luck with that then.”

The stranger wasn't moving though and Dan arched his brow at him, “What?”

“Can I uh,” The other boy motioned at Dan's hands, “Get my schedule back. I'll probably travel to the Jupiter by accident without it.”

“Oh yes, sorry,” Dan held the paper up and the stranger took it before waving at Dan and rushing off with an apology when the bell rang.

Dan watched him go, almost turn towards the wrong stairway, but finally rushing up the right one two steps at a time. Only when the stranger had disappeared, did Dan turn to limp towards his next class, already feeling the dread searing in his bones.

===

“Hey honey,” His mum got out of the car when Dan approached it but he shook his head when she began to walk around it to help him.

“Let me,” He muttered and she retreated, only watching with mild concern in her dark eyes as Dan opened the door, tossed the backpack in the back seat before pulling himself into the backseat too, instantly strapping himself in. His heart was beating fast, and he swallowed several times, to try and remedy the painful dryness in his throat.

“Ready?” She asked when she had climbed back into the driver’s seat and the belt clicked. Dan shook his head at that, digging into his bag to pull out his headphones and began the music. Only then did the car start, and the vibrating of the vehicle made the hair on the back of Dan's neck stand. He curled up in his seat as much as he could, leaning against the door as he did so and tugged his hood so far over his eyes that he couldn't see anything.

He tried to ignore the feeling of movement, turning the music up louder before he closed his eyes and curled in on himself more when the car turned to join the city traffic. Every little road bump made him tense up and his head was starting to hurt with the fright and exhaustion. It felt like the trip lasted forever, until he suddenly felt the engine stop and a light touch to his arm.

When Dan looked up, he saw him mum speaking and he could read the words ’We’re home’ on them. Clumsily he climbed out of the car, letting the headphones fall from his head and around his neck instead and while leaning heavily on the crutch began to limp towards the house.

“Dan?” His mum called out and he stopped, looking over his shoulder at her where she was softly smiling at him, “Your bag,” She brought the worn down bag up and Dan returned her smile with his tired one.

“Thanks mum,” He murmured lowly as he wrapped his fingers around the strap. She didn't let it go right away, making him look up and he saw the way she was trying to study his face, try to see behind the tired expression.

She never pried though and Dan was thankful.

“Go get some rest, I'll make dinner,” Finally she released his bag and Dan nodded at her.

“Thank you,” And when he turned to go, he spoke, without looking at her, “Love you, mum.”

He knew without checking that she had said it back in that same manner in which he had read her pain in so many times in the past months. 

#myfanfic #phanfic #phanfiction #phan #phandom #phanfic au #phanfiction au #dan and phil

[littleshechan]

Tagged again this time by @midnightstarr8​ <3 The best thing about being tagged more than once is getting to answer different questions ;)

Cause I'm lazy af I'm gonna use the same 11 questions I used last time ^^°

Which season is your favorite? Why?

Autumn, simply because we go from warm to cold (which is a lot easier to manage than the other way aaround in spring =.=) and the beauty of "dying" Nature

List a smell you really really love and a smell you really really hate.

I really really love the smell of Rain and I really really hate the smell of my sisters perfume

Do you like nail polish? Do you wear fake nails or are you a chewer or a naked nancy?

I'm a chewer and its not just a nervous habit, therefore I don't wear nail polish as I scratch it off within a day usually. I do like using it for special occasions though.

Give your dream team of 6 Pokemon.

Okay well I'm pretty sure the Team wouldn't stand a chance in a real fight but here it goes:

1. Ninetails

2. Suicune

3. Milotic

4. Vaporeon

5. Frosslass

6. Lopunny

Favorite kind of cookie. Can be baked or store-bought!

Schneeflöckchen (Snowflakes) which is a local Christmas Cookie that melts in your mouth <3

A celebrity you love and a celebrity you hate.

I'm not much of a celebrity Person myself but I recently learned to love Harry Shum Junior, the actor who play the lovely Magnus Bane in Shadowhunters and I don't really hate any celebrity?

List a few songs you’re obsessed with right now.

Oh that ones nice cause usually its name one but here I can just bombard you with all of them:

- White Light by Superfly

- Dos Bros by Bosshoss

- Lady Harley by TruckStop

- Koe and Chou by Amano Tsukiko

- Nakama by 24/7 sounds (TubeClash Soundtrack)

- Leb deinen Traum 2.0 by Heartshot&Ninotaku (Its the German Digimon Adventure 01 Opening but different and really nice)

- Joyridin' by Bosshoss

- Diver (German Fanlation) by Horrokissen (German Fantext to the Naruto Opening)

- Phoenix by Falloutboy (think im to lazy to check)

What’s your favorite holiday? What do you do for it?

I guess that's  Pfingsten or Pentecost, not because of the religious side or the day off (because I'm spending it helping at the riding tournament anyways)  but because we'd start Sunday and Monday with Brunch while watching Fernsehgarten, spend the day playing games with the Family (my sister and Mother would go to Church regularly but not anymore these days) and then have a barbecue, sometimes inviting aunts, uncles and cousins to it (or visit them for one) I also like it because its one of the few holidays no ones stressing about People coming over and stuff that needs to be finished like Easter or Chirstmas.

Nowadays we're all busy on those days so no ones home to relax anymore =/

Do you have any bizarre or peculiar medical conditions or abnormalities? (Because we’re all freaks somewhere along the line)

Other then my whole body literally being a wreck with all the chronical pain, deformed bones (mainly spine and jaw), sticky fascia, thin skin (like really easy to start bleeding just because) and glasses?

I guess the hole in my nasal septum that's not because any piercing but because of bad childhood habit of picking my nose when bored or nervous or both that's as big as a five Euro Cent coin I guess.

What candy did you adore as a child? Favorite sweet. 

Brause! Especially Ahoi Brause Waldmeister and the Brause Sticks one could only get at the fair back then :) Still love that stuff now!

Name something you’re really not very good at, but something you just love the hell out of doing

Holy Hell I don't know cause there's a lot of stuff I'm not good at? I'm not good at many Video games but I still love playing them. I'm not good with colouring things yet I love those anti-stress colouring books. Any kind of handy work like sewing or crocheting. Writing. Riding. Basically anything I do.

And here the  questions from last time:

1. If you could switch Places with a famous Person for a Day who would it be and why?

2. What would the Name of your Autobiography be and would you write it yourself or have it written by a author of your choice?

3. What’s your favourite food that counts as “local food”?

4. Extrovert, Introvert or Ambivert?

5. Care to tell us who your tumblr crush is? If not take your celebrity Crush instead!

6. Money, Fame or Wisdom? and why?

7. If you could switch Places with a fictional Character who would it be?

8. What Country would you like to live in assuming there was World Peace?

9. If you could make a significant change in todays politics what would it be?

10. What do you do for a living right now?

11. What's your least favourite thing about the fandom you are currently most active in?

Tagging: @dragonologystudent, @midnightstarr8 (cause I caaaaan xD you don't have to answer though :3) @bey-hunter, @bey-random-bits, @hailedmercury, @dewyouhearthepeoplesing, @torchpegasus, @littleagranger, @indigojupiterstuff, @maskaihilfantic, @martyoshka, @blitzkriegboysbop

Tagged one more cause I missed one last time

No ones forced to do this as always but yeah have fun =) I might have tagged People who did this already but I made sure its no one who answered my questions so yeah have fun 8D

#tagged #me #gimme moooooore

[vida-amour]

ehh

MASSIVE ASK POST (+100)

1. favorite season? Autumn

2. prettiest thing u own? My pc

3. do u prefer to be outside or inside? Inside

4. furthest ever traveled? Florida

5. what’s your aesthetic in 3 words? I don’t think I have one

6 favorite gemstone? opal, sapphire

7 best thing about yourself, in your opinion- I am relatively accepting. 

8 best thing about yourself, in other’s opinion- My boyfriend said I am honest. 

9 what’s your weirdest fear?- The drain in my bathtub

10 weirdest dream you’ve ever had?- There were roaches all over an abandon house

11 go-to hiding place- bathroom

12 favorite place in your house- Living room

13 earliest memory- Christmases with all of my siblings

14 do you believe in ghosts?- yes

15 favorite sea creature?- Seahorse (until I found out theyre not the size of dogs)

16 cold showers or hot baths?- Hot bath

17 satin or lace? Lace

18 gold or silver? Silver

19 hoops or pearl earrings? Hoops

20 aesthetic song- Imported- Jessie Reyez

21 top 5 songs-  Jessie Reyez- Apple juice, Imported, Figures, Great One. Chance the rapper- We go high, hey ma, sun come down. Mac Miller- Anything by him// Also anything that comes out of Billie Eilish’s mouth

22 favorite time of the day? Night

23 favorite part of your body? My butt, maybe. I like my eye color too. 

24 do you drink alcohol? Nope

25 dream job from when u were a kid- Teacher

26 messy or clean? Clean

27 tea or coffee? Neither

28 favorite book- Perks of being a Wallflower

29 zodiac sign? Libra

30 extrovert or introvert? Introvert

31 celebrity crush? Billie Eilish

32 early bird or night owl? Night Owl

33 do you believe in love at first sight? Yeah

34 favorite book quote-  “It's much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody. I wanted to laugh. Or maybe get mad. Or maybe shrug at how strange everybody was, especially me. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and than make the choice to share it with other people. You can't just sit their and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things. I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to be who I really am. And I'm going to figure out what that is. And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn't do or what they didn't know. I don't know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. It's just different. Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it's okay to feel things. I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite. I feel infinite.” ― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

And here you are living, despite it all. - Milk and Honey

I have 10000000s of book quotes but cant think of them all. 

35 three wishes you have- To be happy, to lose weight and love my body, to be with my boyfriend forever  

36 do you believe in magic? Yes

37 do you believe in soulmates? Yes

38 zoo or aquarium? Zoo

39 cats or dogs? Both

40 how many languages do you speak? One

41 how has your life changed from last year? I have grown to realize that not everyone is who they pretend to be. I have moved into my own place, and I am learning to be myself. 

42 why do you have your name/url? I chose it in highschool, It means Love life.

43 do you keep secrets? how well? Yes, very well. 

44 favorite animal- Raccoon/Giraffe

45 what is love to you? Love is acceptance, patience, understanding, affection, and attention. 

46 future children name? Not sure yet

47 favorite color- I love all colors, I lean toward pinks and yellows.

48 favorite movie- Perks of being a Wallflower. 

49 cuddles or kisses? Both.

50 if you could have any person in the world over for dinner, who would be? Billie Eilish, Ellen, Alana Arbucci

51 someone to bring back from the dead- My pap

52 lipstick or lipgloss? Gloss

53 are you street smart or book smart? Both I think

54 your biggest strength- My ability to see the good in everyone (Also my biggest weakness.)

55 favorite sport- Hockey

56 favorite drink? Water

57 favorite winter activity- Watching movies

58 last time you went abroad- Never

59 favorite dessert- Chocolate Chip Cookies

60 favorite artist- Mac Miller, Juice Wrld, Jessie Reyez, Billie Eilish, Chance the Rapper

61 favorite singer/band- ^^

62 favorite dancing song- Feels like home- Bea Miller/Jessie Reyez, Jessie Reyez- Great One, Journey- Don’t stop believing 

63 favorite crying song- Good News - Mac Miller rn

64 do you wear glasses? Yes

65 first thing you do when you wake up- Check the time

66 how long do u usually sleep for? 5-6 hours

67 one thing you lost and you want back- Self esteem 

68 biggest fear- Stink bugs

69 favorite carnival ride- I normally dont ride any of them

70 do u have birthmarks or scars? both

71 favorite childhood memory- Making up dances with my friends and showing them to our parents.

72 what do u think about during a storm? How scary thunder is

73 one word to describe your life? Stressful but full of love

74 craziest thing ever done- Decided randomly to get on a plane when I was 18

75 do u have piercings or tattoos? Ears pierced, and belly button

76 favorite flower- Lillie's of the valley, bleeding hearts

77 do u have any pets? A dog

78 describe your style- Sweatpants often

79 choose one thing to change about yourself- My weight, and nose

80 do u play any musical instruments? nope

81 if your life was a movie would it be a comedy, a rom-com, action film or drama? Drama

82 do u prefer dark, dramatic makeup or natural makeup? All Makeup!!

83 favorite perfume- none really

84 biggest fandom- none

85 favorite YouTuber(s)- Sara K, Alana Arbucci, Cody Ko, Noel Miller, Savannah Brymer, Tati Westbrook, Andrea Russet

86 OTP- None

87 country, state where you were born- US

88 your parent’s name- ---

89 favorite snack- Chocolate Chips

90 pasta or pizza- Pizza

91 pen or pencil- Pencil

92 blue or black ink- Black

93 paper books or electronic books? Paper

94 history or geography? History

95 pastel or neon- Neon

97  soap or body wash- Soap

98  conditioner, no conditioner, or 2 in 1 shampoo & conditioner- Conditoner

99 singing in the shower or not- Yes

100  listen to music while bathing or silence- Silence

101  blow dry, towel dry, or air dry your hair- Air dry

102 morning or night showers? Night

#fun quiz questions billieeilish

[isuckandotheressays]

PART 1 ; self-saboteur

How can you even start to talk about something like this without sounding so fucking cliché it makes your teeth hurt. Stuff is hard, like really hard, and it will be forever, and I know that. I am like, obscenely good at whining, I can whine about pretty much anything, the weather, the fact I have nothing to wear, the fact that I don’t get what I want. I'm internally spoiled, but I think everyone is really, any one that isn't is lying, what type of crazy person likes when they don’t get what they want? Unless you are ,like a masochist, which in some ways I probably am, or at least a self-saboteur.

Anyway, unimportant. More importantly, my life is currently in shambles. The love of my life won't talk to me because he's upset that I tried to kill myself. Now I'm sure from an outwards perspective that makes him sound unfeeling, a dick, but to be honest I'm the dick.  

Don’t get me wrong, I 100% wanted to die, I could not see my way out. I weighed out my options, I could hang myself from the loft bed he built for me, but I'm too tall and it wouldn’t have worked. I would slit my wrists, but then I would get heaps of blood on the 70's carpet and that would be just like, disrespectful to my housemates. So, my final thought was just to take as many of my sleeping meds as I could and just like, go to sleep. I wrote a note, in tears, obviously, I had fucking lost it.  

I individually popped out the pills and took them one by one, slowly getting more and more tired, getting less and less conscious. I kept thinking about random things, like how mad everyone is going to me if I survive this, how fucked it's going to be for Luke, how I've probably ruined his life. So I thought in my drug addled state, I should probably just like message saying I'm sorry to all my friends or whatever. Because I'm a dirt human.  

Suicide, is a really selfish thing, the most selfish thing you can do, but at that point in time, I couldn’t see my way out. I felt worthless, that the person I cared for the most in the world was never going to trust me again, that my best friends didn’t want to hang out with me because I'm so fun because I'm a useless sad lump that wines, can't even drink red wine because I become some heaps horrible bitchy cynical version of myself. That I would always disappoint my parents, because to this day, I don’t actually want to do what they want me to do and I really just want to be a starving artist and make art about how sad I am all the time.  

Anyway, I squeezed out some drama queen ass text to the people that meant the most to me, 'I'm sorry I love you' , which I meant but in hindsight as someone that wanted to die peacefully and alone in their house, is not a good move because people care about if you are dead or alive and well, got scared if they get that message out of the blue. So next minute, my dad, arrives in a cab, and I go to Emergency, and no one really takes what goes on particularly seriously and then in a bed and some doctor is making me drink some sludgy black coal shit to soak up all the medication in my stomach (side note it's been three days at this point and all that is coming out of me is like spirited away anime style sludge.  

So, I wake up and I'm going to the ward, this is like 8 at night, I did all this pill business at about Noon, and I'm sitting in the waiting room with my mum and dad who are literally at their whit's end with their nerves shot because their only child has an inability to cope with real life.

Side note, I am a productive member of society, I have job, that I mostly like and work hard at, I do a little bit of 'faffy' modeling for cash when I can, I get up I get coffee, I catch the train to school etc. Granted my mum pays my phone bill because I'm a 22 year old child that can't do real life human things. But yeah, back to the ward.

PART 2 ; repercussions

I'm sitting there waiting at the mental health ward and they literally come and give me some belongings I left there the time before. Like I'm some frequent flyer, I sort of laugh under my breath but try to stifle it because I love my parents  more than anything and I don't want to make this situation any more confusing and awful than what it is. I go to the tiny mini fridge and fish out a cheese sandwich because the stuff I took to OD makes you so fucking hungry.  

So I'm admitted, given the awkward PJ's, some hectic sedatives and put in the room with the vinyl mattress like the ones in jail I'm sure, except in the ward they give you milo and night and speak in hushed tones and take your blood pressure a lot and offer you adult colouring books.  

Then I'm in the room and I'm thinking things. The things I'm thinking are about the fact that I did not succeed in ending my life and now there are repercussions. I have to not only feel shit, I have to feel guilty because what I have done to the people who love me is so monumentally horrible and I'm a bad selfish person who is never going to be loved, etc. Then I think about if I had done it another way, if it had worked, then I fall asleep.

I'm woken up by a student nurse that looks about 15 rolling in a huge blood pressure machine. The soft voice ensues like fucking silk "so, uh, cay, do you feel safe? Do you feel like hurting yourself? Killing yourself? Feeling a bit better than yesterday?" And me, being a fucking idiot, says, "oh yeah I'm fine now, just tired you know". Because, from lots of practice, I'm a master at pretending I'm okay (I'm being sarcastic hopefully you get that and I don’t just sound like a prized IDIOT).  

Hours down the track in walk out in my gross green PJ's and look at who else in in the ward. Literally exactly what you would expect, some full grown woman with pink hair doing a puzzle of teddy bears, some 'methy' looking guy talking to himself in the room (until this point I thought this was a ward for woman only) that has a video of a waterfall on loop and an extremely greasy middle ages Asian woman being scolded for trying to sleep when she has to be awake because its day time. Nobody talks to each other, we are all sort of collectively embarrassed, no one really knows how to act, do we like smile at each other? Or do we have to prove our sadness to each other? I just keep my head down mainly until I get handed the sludgy meal that we have to eat with a spoon because u could mince yourself with a fork or knife. I recon if you really wanted you could use a spoon, I recon if you really wanted you could use anything like, it's pretty fucked up but I think about that all the time. I know pretty much all the things in a room that I could use to hurt myself.  

Like spoon? Easy, I would just either with all the force in my body, sorry for the gore, slam the not spoony part into my wrist and like , blood would Tarintino style go everywhere. I could also just like shove it down my throat and choke. I recon I could like, paper cut myself to death, that’s so morbid, oh my god, sorry.  

PART 3; insidious thing  

Fast track to now, I'm at my parent's house, with a shaved head, in the country, the love of my life won't talk to me. I'm almost certain that he's going to leave me, he's already moved out and he's basically sick of my shit. And to be honest, even though it fucking hurts, its fair enough.

Backtrack again, I worked at the pub, and everyone there just like, happened to do cocaine, so I tried cocaine, and of course, it was great but very expensive. If went from something fun to something I needed to get through a shift because I was so tired. Then I would spend all my money on it. Then the guy would show up at the bar and I would just swipe my card and take money out of the till. Like at the start it was spending my money, and then I started stealing the money.  

Now, I have a huge problem which honestly, I like being on drugs, plus being bipolar, oh yeah, but now that’s up for negotiation and could be a personality disorder or whatever. I didn’t tell anyone I was doing this, not even my partner or my friend who could have helped me. Especially, my partner. But again, dirt human remember.  

So, I was holding that secret in for ages, like was literally killing me. It was the most insidious thing ever. But I've always stuffed in and marred the truth to protect myself. When I was younger, like childhood till I was 16, I had a really hard time at making friends so I literally would just make shit up. But when I was first diagnosed and had my first break up, I worked out that, that probably wasn’t optimum to being like an alright human. So I stopped saying I was related to famous models and that I got kicked out of karate because I punched the teacher and started telling the  true story about the stress nose bleeds, of the white robes and I was related to a bunch of people that lived in Yass, as in many merinos (no offence to my family - you are all phenomenal).

PART 4; him

Forward, I hadn't told my parents this immense thing, and I was lying about what actually happened. So I told them. And, they really didn’t care. Not only what this an insane and complete surprise to me, it made me feel even worse that I have been an absolutely horrendous person to my partner.  

So now, I am petrified. I'm writing this with my newly shaved golf ball head, he's not talking to me and I'm this total wreck of self-hatred and total disarray. Because I want to be with him, I don’t want to hurt him. But I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know how to make someone trust you again, and I sure as hell don’t think I deserve to have such a fucking angel in my life.

Like you know those classically handsome boys from teen movies, yeah think about that, but like Bowie dreamy. Big ass blue eyes, freckles, tall, absolutely killer smile. He supports my art, he's good with kids and animals, he's stupid crazy intelligent, goofy and gets my humor, that I barely get sometimes. Like I have no idea how human trash like me could have made this person fall in love with me. One time, he fucking flew overseas to see me on our anniversary because he missed me. He has written obscure punk songs about me. He also supports me immensely, which I owe my life to, on many occasions.  

To be honest, I will understand if he's over it, he could do so much better, he could like, date a  girl who is not legally insane, that would not self-harm and lie and do batshit stuff like some crazy murderer. But, I do want to get better for him. And I am trying, I've enrolled in this crazy program that the psych lady said would improve my honesty as well as make me be able to deal with real life grown up situations like an adult and not some mentally inept baby thing. I am trying. Shaving my hair was a thing for me. I needed a physical change to put stuff in motion. I'm in motion now. And I hope that he sees that, but I understand, I truly I am the worst.

Skip forward to two weeks later, we ended it, I broke it I really did. But that okay, because you have to have a red hot go at being by yourself. I am weirdly happy, elated even, I feel like ive got myself back. Its crazy that you don’t even notice how much you have lost yourself until your alone, the cracks in what seemed like a perfect relationship start to show. Not to throw shade, but I think that I embarrassed him sometimes and tried to hard to act cool. And to be honest, I recon I am pretty fucking cool. I bent myself to fit around him, even my aspirations, even my work even my internet presence. He never let me 'vlog' he thought it was lame, seems like such a teeny thing but I full want to vlog. I want to talk into the abyss that in Instagram, hear an echo or not.  

I guess its all a learning curb really, you got to lose what you think you want to get what you need. I could 'smiths' along and ask to 'please please, please, let me let me let me, get what I want this time' but right now, I'm still working out what that is. It's pretty flippin' great.