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march17 · 7 years

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Reasons 2016 was the absolute worst and I’m glad it happened

January: After I left the cinema, having listened to Rey’s Theme for the majority of the last few days, the face of Ben Solo wouldn’t leave my head for a long time. I would like to say that he did so now but that is a lie neither of us are ready to hear right now. I took to the internet, kept it secret from my “loved one” after he already shunned me several times because I spend too much time there. I was greeted by analysis, metathesis and characterisations only several runs of the movie would reveal to a dedicated person. I started reading again.

Februrary: After almost a year apart, my “loved one” came over, and I waited for him to leave again. What follows was a very short month that could’ve been shorter, where I gave over the authority of my things to someone who didn’t take care of his things. I was one of his things.

March: As I entered the last year of puppy protection, I slowly regained what my “loved one” left of my kingdom, I still did not fully have it to myself and a spy was sitting next to me as I typed words, betraying me to their superior and in turn getting me scolded for essentially being me. I wanted my kingdom back, I wanted my peace in an extend I knew wasn’t possible anymore because I have submitted myself to a cruel emperor, a temperamental child that likes to use and break and forget.

April: I was collecting back my pieces, enjoying the silence in the night and the knowledge that it did not matter what I did if only I don’t fail to report back on time. I met people that later will come to mean a lot to me and did things either out of spite or only for me to see. I had to justify myself alot infront of my “loved one”. The face of Ben Solo had not left me. He provided me with condolences, with metaphors I was happy to apply when real words failed me. I became increasingly aware of the fact that it is not normal to identify with the villain of a story, even if you know that he was manipulated in a way that is way too familiar to you. I grew tired.

May: I learned that spite is a strong motivator. I learned that I am capable of becoming a vicious animal if cornered. I learned that it is totally okay to be a villain, and I owned it. I had my “loved one” in tears in a matter of sentences, I had him begging and crying in a way he tried to reduce me to in the matter of minutes. And it disgusted me. Noone who won over my submission should ever reduce themselves to this. I expect dignity in the face of defeat, I expect leadership in hard times and I expect understanding in the face of mistakes. I am not something to lean on, I am not something to use and abuse to your will. I submitted, I am your responsibility and if you can’t live up to this, I will leave and I will not look back. The phrase “I am Ben Solo and I’m taking myself back” has not left my head for the rest of the year.

June, July, August: Nothing happend. After the relief that is freedom, the decisions in which direction to go are vast. I kept being surprised by support that I found and to this day I struggle with the understanding that I am more than the use someone could make of me. I found that I am not worth living for as I failed to do so. I wanted it to end.

September: The tiredness that lay on my shoulders seem too heave for my age at times. I knew something was wrong with me, have known for a while, and I searched for help. I learned that trust is a major part of recovery, that it is a skill you can learn. I refocused on things I liked and the stories and metathesis I read, still about Ben Solo, helped me understand. I came into touch with people who knew, not only what it feels like but also how to deal with it. I tried, and many times failed to put words to emptions, sentences to the chaos that is my head.

October: I learned that silence is not your friend. Is it plagitarism if you use your own words? Because I learned it and wrote it down somewhere and then it’s the easiest to point to it. I realize i have been trying to do that for a while but the people I wanted to listen were unwilling to do so. I managed to put words to feelings and was met by a stunned silence from many directions. A shock. Who knew I could act so well that the tiredness and the stress, the deep broken bones I carry were invisible before? I talked a lot and I lost count of the times I repeated “I am Ben Solo and I’m taking myself back” inside my own head like a mantra, I don’t know how often I started conversations with “Have you seen the new Star Wars yet?” and cursed Lena Dunham because people told me they couldn’t take the villain seriously because of her. I don’t know how many people I’ve hurt by being blind to their attempts to help only because it didn’t resonate with me, neither do I know how many times I have written metaphors that went too close to home.

November: I became increasingly aware of my state of being. I was able to identify each and every dove and raven in my head. I gave it a place, a story, a description. I grew tired of myself, I stopped looking forward and hated myself for being stuck on the same problems than a few months ago. I became unforgiving and cruel towards myself. Increasingly, I believed not to be worth of anything. It still makes me cry if anyone says I’m worth of anything.

December: I learned to forgive. I might still be bitter about a few things I allowed to happen, may still wish for compensation I know will never come and possibly still believe that bad things are what they deserve. I learned to forgive myself, and to be patient with myself in a way I didn’t realize I wasn’t until people put it into perspective. I learned a lot, this year. I grew, I developed, I became me.

#mioka rambles #be warned #its just a brain bug that wouldn't leave me alone #tw: depression #tw: abuse #tw: suicidal #basically this is a waste of time #move along

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skyquack-blog · 7 years

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I am in such a bad mood you guy's A survivor story WiLL FolloW Legit this is a story of triumph and survival... Please read this. If i ever post anything important THIS is it so please for me read this!! This is my story and its pretty amazing. :'( Here i want all ya'll judging me right now to read this and think about it for a moment okay... This is what i wish would happen to you ass holes who cant keep you fucking opnions and scruteny to yourself... Okay!! Go back in time and be essentially a "shut in" with no actual friends to hang out with or talk to mostly because your suffering from certin aspects of schizophrenia that you as well as your family arent aware of... so here we are living under a rock way more quiet than the average human being dealing with weird ass issues like hearing voices and feeling like people can hear your thoughts and feel your emptional states so as a result you shut up and keep to yourself all the time... Then for the first time ever since ever you move to town and get yourself a friend who is mind you border line psychotic but she likes you and shes fun... now 6 months of this and suddenly BOOM your pregnant at 17... your baby daddy dont wanna hang around dont seem to give a fuck bout you even tho he does ect... Spend the next 2 years of your life fighting hard core yelling matches breaking things in a desperate ploy to get your baby daddy to fucking come home... Fight like this hard every day damn near for 2 fucking years b4 you finally give up... Then at 20 i want you to be the single mom of 2 children work every day pay all your own bills take care of and try to raise 2 kids all the while looking back on your bad relationship trying to find a new better more loving and equal partner ship (as a parent so young mind you your only 20)... and now here is for the fun part... Your 22 years old now and you found your self a psychopath... yup full on crazy ass mother fucking manipulative beyond your wildest understanding of manipulation im talking weird mk ultra shit going on and you fall head over heels in love... Great things are stupid as fuck by now but hey your in love who care right??? Well they get even dumber for some unknown reason to you still to this day your kids dad and his family decide to rip your 3 year olkd son away from you and your in a state of total SHOCK and cant seem to even think............ Cant even think........... Your still in shock....... Your son is gone. SEVERAL MONTHS PASS B4 your even allowed to talk to him........ your 3 year old son.... its just you the baby and the psychopath and daily texts from your BFF..... You finally push loosing physical custody and not being abel to have ANY contact with your son of which YOU HAVE COMPLETLY TAKEN CARE OF AND RAISED BY YOUR FUCKING SLEF so deep down insode of you it hurts even to simply think about him but now you get to visit CAUTIOUSLY btw.... Are we done yet??? NOPE!!! Alrigh well now your 23 god damn years old you survived a horrible relationship screaming and fighting, having your 3 year old son ripped away from you DATING A PSYCHOPATH (which has its own uneik set of fucking issues btw like rejection on a constant basis as well as being manipulated into self destruction yourself as well as your life without knowing your doing it) Dating a psychopath.... LOOK IT UP and suddenly out of no fucking ware you go through one of THE MOST INTENSE ONSETS OF SCHIZOPHRENIA most people and doctors could imagine happening to somebody... I mean normally people notice little symptoms like hearing voices and shit... Its already a rare brain disorder but its even less frequent for somebody to go through a full blown psychosis... Thats you... That 1 in 1million out of a billion going through a psychosis RAISING 2 CHILDREN IN LOVE WITH A PSYCHOPATH MENDING A BROKEN RELATIONSHIP WITH THERE CONTROLLING ANGRY FATHER ECT... EVERYONE THINKS YOUR HIGH ON DRUGS AND YOUR NOT.... Also not only are you experiencing this intense onset but your BFF ditches you cuz shes a huge attention whore bitch and suddenly you actually need her to be there ONLY for you and she just cant have that in her life so now your alone in the world... AGAIN!! For several years actually... You spend years recovering yourself your personality your ability to properly communicat eand associate or identify with yourself and the world around you because yeah the onset was that bad... Your relearnign and TEACHING YOURSELF how to human agin (nobody knows nobody gives a fuck) it was bad people... really really bad!!! Okay cool you think you have been through enough so quickly right i mean like within a 3 or 4 year time span you've encountered the worst of the worst for the most part loosing your son giving up week days with you daughter DATING A PSYCHOPATH that stupid relationship that was hugely stressful Did i mention that you were working full time paying all yo bills on yo own taking care of yo kiddow by yourself living essentially completly isolated at least 20 minutes to half an hour away from EVERYBODY you know you indapendent as fuck b4 this onset... SOBER dont even drink!! Your good to go... like good to fucking go... But no during this onset you loose your JOB ($10 an hour mind you that you were bad ass at and loved and ready to retire from) you loose your car you loose your house (for the better part of owning a home you cant live in it anymore) you LOOSE YOUR GOD DAMN MIND LITERALLY its gone schizo psychosis took it from you and held you captive no joke... your insane... considering your an adult now and not a child and your less susceptable to things you should be done by now right... NOPE so your by this point LONELY as fuck and kind of clueless cuz why has life been so hard for me man like i didnt intentionally fuck shit up for myself you know... i really honestly didnt... and you have a new outlook on things which is kind of really uneik considering how things have gone for you, your boundaries thanks to the schizo are all fucked up and off but you have managed to like regain certin aspects of your personality enough to feel strong and confident and your head on going itno life full force with hope and determination you got a year and a half of university under your belt ect... your not done... Your addicted to meth right now... yup whole heartedly consuming the shit out of one of the worst drugs IN THE WORLD right now... You know your addicted (your 26 btw) and your doing your absoulte best to quit (have i mentioned thanks to the schizo you pretty much went a year without physical custody of your other kiddo just so you could actually manage that year and a half in college which killed you every singel day to be away from her so that was hard) well even though your really trying to stop like really trying so hard you call 911 one night and ask an officer for help... okay cool your like a fucking METH ADDICT HERO by all tweeker standards lolz Well you go to some friends for help and instead of keeping it in the family they call DFS and even though you have done EVERYTIHG in your power INCLUDING giving you kiddow to friends of the family to look after while you go to rehab ect... yeah now you actually legally lost custody of your kid... The light of your life is gone... YOU ARE ALONE IN THE WORLD NOW... (both your fucking kids have been taken from you OMFG your entire life has been built arounf being a fuckin parent and now your nothing but a drug addict... they say time dont matter but dang a year on meth and my ENTIRE LIFE DISSAPEARED BEFORE MY EYES) you have nobody and nothing to look forward to on a dily baisis now... what do you do though?? By now youd think with all you been through how lonely you are how much of yourself and your life and the people you love that you have lost youd sink into a full blown life destroying meth addction... NOPE you actually get clean... YOU GOT SOBER OFF METH OF ALL DRUGS against all the odds set before you YOU GOT CLEAN (does anybody care nope) god i mean your not a success story at all by now. Not only have you survived being a single mom at such a young age as well as survived an tramatizing schizophreina onset loosing both of your kids and got away from a PSYCHOPATH but now you have survived a fucking meth addiction... JESUS CHRIST YOUR AN INSPIRATION do people think this about you??? NO not at all... your a looser fuck up crazy weirdo... damn and you thought you were doing good... nope... not yet... All you had through all of this was your mom. figures the strongest person you know is your fucking mom. Like nobody has survived as much shit as your mom accept you by this point. Sooo thanks mom for always being there when i needed you the most.. okay cool so here we are 7 fucking years later things have chilled out FINALLY for sure you got this after all that bull shit your pretty much back to normal and you got shit under control... K well i want you to look around and realize that nobody gives a shit... Your a LEGIT survivor and not one fucking person (welp accept oyur mom cuz shes the only one who really knows) gives a shit and people are constantly judging you thinkning you should have a job and be trying harder at life ect... You not doing the mom thing well enough your not doing the stay at home wife thing well enough your not being a productive member of society ect... Go through all that stereotypical DIFFICULT and CHALLENGING as well as RARE INSANITY and loss and then well and then place yourself under as much scrutiny as you can possibly imagin... Look around and realize that all the people in your life (beside maybe your mom) think your a puriah of the system cuz your living off a dissability check (a whopping $500 a month) a crazy weirdo your nothing but an insane weirdo looser lazy person... The only way anyobody will ever have any respect for you is if you get a pathetic $8 an hour job and pull yourself away from life as you know it now and work like the rest of humanity... GET A FUCKING JOB AND BE A BETTER PARENT BECAUSE YOUR A POS int he eyes of a lot of people close to you... CLEAN YOUR FUCKING KITCHEN AND COOK 9 course meals every single day... Your a looser I feel like dying right now... No joke :/ Im having a really bad fucking day~!!!!! Somebody mail me a fucking gold star okay!!

#schziophrenia #struggle #FML #addiction #recovery #life #love

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