#so now i'm trying to find a new ending

[killerandhealerqueen]

When you're trying to finish the damn fic but you can't get the last few words right...

rage and hatred

#sass talks about her writing #this fic is ALMOST DONE #but the ending does not want to come for the life of me #like i had an idea in my head #and then i wrote it out #and now i hate it #so now i'm trying to find a new ending #but i've got nothing #rage and hatred #heavy sigh #i will figure this out

[theflyingfeeling]

...😭

#i've never had a job in my own field that i've liked as much as i've liked my current one #the semester is ending soon and today i heard my contract will not be renewed bc the person i'm substituting will return to work after all #i've been feeling so tired and a bit poorly after the nokia arena show and i probably should have called in sick today #as i was absolutely useless today #and then after my only class today my students came to me with a gift?? 😭 #a pink enamel moomin mug and some chocolate and a paper on which they had written nice things about me + a drawing of a dachshund 😭 #and i burst to tears right there in front of them because i was so touched (and also because i'm just really really tired and emotional) #i'm so tired about having to apply for new jobs and having to start all over again #i'm so tired of having to do shitty short-notice substitutions again #i feel like i deserve better than that but on the other hand i fee like life's giving me exactly what i deserve and maybe this is it #i'm dreading the summer because idk if i'll have a job to go to in the autumn #and even if i did find something it won't be like the job i have now #also. it's may day eve and the weather's lovely #and i'm hiding in my apartment with the curtains closed so i won't see all the people going out and having fun with their friends #for me may day eve has never been like that. i've always felt so very excluded from those celebrations #on top of that i got yelled at by a bus driver and i'm the worst friend that ever existed #i'm trying to quit on whining about my sad little life but it gets so lonely #please know i'm not writing this for attention or pity. i know y'all have problems of your own and i'm just being a dramatic crybaby

[icewindandboringhorror]

recent lounging babey images

#he's so floppy recently and I hope it's just the heat. I think wamr weather makes everyone floppy and loungy #a beauntifulle boye... #cats #STILL working on posting some drafts. finishing new poll adventure.. other things... It's just hard with the weather and other things going #on. I've had a few more doctors appointments and other things to do recently that have to be done in a time limit #so I hvae to use my extremely limited energy working on that instead of doing the things I'd really rather do. :T #Main focuses though are keeping up better with doing and posting costumes + sculptures as main creative things. at least finishing the #main poll adventure story. Reworking the game I kind of abandoned for a few years. keeping up with game videos and a few other side things. #Especially the game though. I've been in a really worldbuildy mood recently. I just wish that was easier to manifest into something. I've #now put the worldbuilding slideshow reading video on pause for a while because it's SOOO long to do #and I think I should prioritize making games and stuff instead. but still other things. IT's just kind of like.. I have a whole world and #everything very built and planned out but now.. what do I do with it? what's the best way to share that? factual slideshows just going over #the information like a dictionary? make it into a game? write short stories? do art attached to the world? etc. etc. ?? There are so many #potential avenues I end up kind of flip flopping between them a lot because none really seem more beneficial than the others and they all #seem equally enjoyable and also equally hard so. It's like?? I guess just do what the hell ever and hope I made the right choice in terms o #cost benefit and reward for my time lol. ANYWAY.. Also why I'm in my 'trying to make friends' era still because I think having other creat #ive friends can help you find direction like.. people will meet each other and then go 'hey lol just for fun lets start a project together! #and then like 5 years later it's genuinely become something. etc. having other people to help weed out ideas and start small creative teams #together and etc. I feel is a very beneficial part of networking or whatever but also I have the social capacity of a stale bread roll and #am also inherently unrelatable to seemingly a majority of people due to my hermit wizard swag (detachment from general society and hyper #focus on fantasy worlds in my head gjhghj) so trying to meet people as a grown adult with social issues is Very easy and fun (it is not) #even very basic things like my core communication style is so incompatible with a lot of people it's like.. hhhh... People in this modern #age have GOT to stop being afraid of phone calls and/or text that is longer than 6 paragraphs. Work with me here. I WANT to talk to you. bu #I do not know what your emojis mean and it's physically impossible for me to type less than 85 sentences. please.. hhjgjgb #AAANYWAY!! I am working on things when I can given the circumstances (SUMMER).. hopefully some costume pictures and stuff soon. :'3 #I've not forgotten about my art and etc. - as usual I just am bad at social media and also functioning if it's above 65F lol

[kaidanalenkosprmanager]

THE BEST OF PRIORITY: TUCHANKA (PART 2)

Featuring: Cmdr. Sophie Shepard, Lt. James Vega, EDI, Urdnot Wrex, and Dr. Mordin Solus With: Urdnot Bakara And a Special Guest Appearance by: Kalros, Mother of All Thresher Maws I MADE A MISTAKE! I made a mistake... big picture made of little pictures- too many variables. Can't hide behind statistics... can't ignore new data- my responsibility. Need to go- running out of time. Not your work, not your cure- not your decision. Had to be me- someone else might have gotten it wrong... Mass Effect 3: Legendary Edition (2021)

#mira makes gifs ✨ #sophie shepard #james vega #EDI #urdnot wrex #mordin solus #mass effect #mass effect 3 #me3 #mass effect legendary edition #dailygaming #i'm gonna continue the rambles in the part 2 gifset but one of the things i adore about tuchanka is the scenic shots #there are literally so many gorgeous ones that about half of part two is scenic shots because holy fuck tuchanka is beautiful #the kalros reaper ones especially? like those are so cool i had to include at LEAST a few of them bc that fight is awesome #and when the cure disperses?? literally the prettiest scene in the game #EDI and james have really cute dialogue together too!! i adored their moments towards the end of the mission #although i did say i was gonna give thoughts on mordin in sur'kesh and i think it boils down to him being an okay?? character in my book #like mordin definitely isn't one of my favorites but i will respect that he's definitely a very complex character and he's interesting imo #especially in terms of how he's written and his motivations/how he sort of grows and evolves over both ME2 and ME3 #like the quote i subquoted the post with is the one you get when you try to stall him from going up into the tower #(so it's not from soph's canon- but i love the scene so i used it anyways) #and one of the things i really like is that you can see the switch from mordin in ME2 who argues that what he did was RIGHT #versus mordin in ME3 who is starting to see what was wrong in the context of all the new information he has #and for me- seeing a character who can grow to recognize that they're flawed and made mistakes- i can respect the HELL outta that #even if mordin isn't my favorite character in the trilogy i'm gonna give him massive props for his character growth arc #because it's always interesting to see someone grow and recognize their mistakes and find a way to be a better person #to own their mistakes and fix the shit that they fucked up #i don't think i'd ever choose the option to not cure the genophage but mordin will always get props from me for his character arc tbh #i'll stop rambling now! have a good day wherever you are <3

[sailor-aviator]

.

#y'all my anxiety has me spiraling as of late because it just feels like my whole life is falling apart at this point #i got fired from my job a couple of months ago and i've been scrambling to try and find a new one #i work part time at a store i really love but it pays shit #and i've had all of these interviews and no one wants to hire me and i just feel unhireable at this point and it's hard not to despair #and on top of that i'm struggling with my self esteem again #i know i'm not ugly per se but i'm struggling with feeling confident in the way i look as a big girl #and all of my old insecurities are rearing their ugly heads and i want to cry just thinking about it #and i feel like such a failure right now even though i know that life has its ups and downs but my stupid brain just won't chill #and i don't really have any friends in the area because they all either moved away or didn't live here to begin with #and i'm tired of living at home because of my stupid student loans and not being able to afford to live on my own #i have one person i hang out with and we just met and i don't want to scare them off because they're a great friend and person #and i just feel like i'm never going to meet anybody who's going to love me the way i want to be loved because of my looks #also because it's me. and i feel like i'm so flawed as a person that no one will ever fall in love with me #and i've just been feeling really alone lately and i'm trying to do things to make me feel better but it's just so HARD right now #and i love writing because it gives me a chance to explore some of my feelings and it's something i genuinely love to do #and i'm sitting here waiting for the day things start to get better. and i know we all joke and i'm gonna sounds so dumb for saying this #but i feel like i was meant to be famous? or do something great idk and it's something everyone has always told me #and idk if my feelings of inadequacy are because of that or what but i'm scared that my life is going to mean nothing in the end #anyway this was a lot and you can pretend like you didn't read it. i just wanted to write some of my feelings down

[uselessnbee]

oh and while i'm still on my rewatching bullshit

in season 2 episode 8 when they realise that the mind flayer spies through Will and Mike tells them that they need to put him to sleep

Will starts yelling and screaming that he's lying and to let him go

you can see Mike putting his hands over his ears so he doesn't have to hear Will screaming

my heart broke when i noticed

#i'm actually thinking #about gatekeeping mike from this fandom #most of yall act like he's the villain #mike wheeler is now only for the poeple #who understand that he's just a human being #and a teenager with trauma #i'm actually getting tired of seeing people in any fandom #acting like side characters can't have trauma cause the THINGS didn't happen to them personally #sometimes they can have trauma from watching their loved ones suffer #like this boy was 12/13 when his best friend went missing #was presumed dead and had a funeral #while he was trying to find him #and made a new friend that he ended up losing too after just getting his best friend back #then he had to watch his best friend being possesed and hurting again #they all were just children #cut him some slack will you my boy is not ok #i am forever a mike wheeler defender thank you #byler #also i know that this probably isn't anything new but i'm slow so let me be #blue's 'Mike's extreme defender' ramblings

[robinsnest2111]

if you show me even the tiniest scrap of respect and affection, I will get the strangest most confusing feelings for you (I want you to be my friend! my lover! my partner! my owner! my parental figure! my mentor! love me love me love me! please show me i am lovable! i will do anything! love me!) which will eventually lead me down a path of jealousy over you giving others similar attention, then intense self-flaggelation for feeling this way, and will finally result in me isolating myself for your and my own good because I cannot control my own feelings and feel bad and monstrous and inhuman about it <3

#looking back on a couple of friendships over the past 15 years of my life and am starting to see a pattern #actively trying to fight it whenever i get to meet new people. trying so hard to keep a normal distance and not lose my head #and trip over myself overestimating my place in others' lives. because i knowwwww it'll only get me hurt in the end #so safe moderate distance is fine for now #i don't wanna do this awkward mounting infatuation -> realisation -> selfhate -> isolation dance ever again. i hurt many people this way... #i don't even want to be in a romantic relationship!!!! i'm aroace as hell!!! but the NEED to be someone's EVERYTHING whenever i get attache #fucking insane as hell honestly. idek what you'd classify this as. maybe one day i'll tell a therapist about it. when i find one #this post is literally 13-18 years old me's internal monologue put into coherent words

[girlscience]

I am contemplating gender again (specifically being a trans man) because I was rehashing my periodic "I am not trans/won't transition/haven't transitioned because blah blah blah" conversation with myself and I said something along the line of "transition wouldn't fix my underlying problem, which is being female. it would just be a bandaid over a gaping wound." (which, never really noticed before how fucking wild that sentence is. I don't think most people consider their sex to be a gaping wound) BUT ALSO, the point of transition would be to make myself male?????? that Literally by DEFINITION would fix the problem, right????

And now I am having other thoughts like the fact a huge piece of my inferiority complex comes from not being a ManTM, but from what I see online that is also a huge source of insecurity for a lot of men too. So maybe the issue isn't so much that I am female, but that "Being a ManTM" is pretty much unachievable for everyone or is something that you have to spend significant time and effort to become, and no one is born that way and pushing people to think there's only one right way to be a man is a bad and damaging thing?

And that people saying "well of course you are uncomfortable with your chest, you have worn a bra since you grew breasts and now you don't know what they naturally look like/move like/feel like" but I literally only wear bras in public and as a kid fought my parents hard because I hated wearing them so much. And also??? do you think my bras stop my breasts from moving???? cause they definitely don't. I'm willing to believe that wearing bras has affected the strength of ligaments and pec muscles that are attached to the tissue so things like jumping braless are more painful than they would be otherwise... but my boobs move all the time, regardless of bras or not.

And also maybe my issues with comparing myself to men and trying to be as good or better than them isn't a generalized thing because at work I don't compare myself to men. I don't with art or cosplay or cooking or cleaning or friendships or video games. I compare myself to other people's skills, but not specifically thinking "oh so and so is better than me at this because they are a man". The ONLY time I compare myself negatively to men is when it comes to physical strength and crying. Which perhaps says more about the fact as a society we over value physical strength and we relentlessly put down literally everyone for expressing negative emotion. And I have been told my whole life that because I'm female I'll never be as strong as males and so I should just give up and let them do things... but that is patently untrue. I am strong. It is something that is commented on by practically everyone is my life at some point or another. I don't think of myself as strong because I have been told I am weak and can't measure up to the strength of males but that is simply untrue. And I could get significant stronger if I worked out regularly. No, I'll never be Eddie Hall or whatever, but I don't want to be? And as for crying, a big part of my issue is that I dislike it when I feel like crying is out of my control, or when my crying is called a "girl thing". Which has less to do with the fact that I have problems with my emotions and more to do with the fact I don't like it when my body does things without my permission and I know men generally cry less. Also, crying is seen as weak and so it means people see women as weak for being emotional and I dislike being seen as weak. Even though I don't actually think having or expressing emotions is bad or weak, I am just very aware of how it is perceived.

And I get worried maybe I have autoandrophilia (autophallophilia?? idk which it is), but other than urination the purpose of genitals is sex? So of course it makes sense I would want a penis for sex reasons???? That doesn't make it a fetish or paraphilia. And even if it was, I am an adult and I am allowed to do things for sex reasons. That doesn't make me a freak or a pervert or me forcing my kinks on other unwilling people.

And then things like I see trans men talking about the affects of T and I want literally every single one of them (except the acne and vaginal atrophy, but that's because it sounds painful and no one really wants that lol). I desperately want the bottom growth, deeper voice, body hair, muscle growth, and fat redistribution. I wouldn't even hate the potential balding? I'll just shave my head again, no biggie. I do know all of that can be hit or miss and varies a lot from person to person, but I don't really see myself coming out of HRT (even if I were to stop eventually) truly hating any of the changes. Also, top surgery has been in my brain since I got the first hints of boobs as a kid. As much as I waffle back and forth on it, I know that unless it was truly truly fucked (like excruciating chronic pain kind of fucked) I wouldn't ever be upset or regret making that decision. I just don't see that happening, at worst I think I would end up neutral on it. Which would be a frequent improvement on today's feelings about my chest.

And in regards to more social and presentation based things, I like using Mens things and wearing Mens clothes and getting grouped in as "One Of The Boys". I like it that my dad and I dress the same and he will point out clothes to me in the men's section because it's on sale and he knows I'd like it. I like that I got all the hand-me-downs from both my grandpa's after they died and that my dad gives me his hand-me-downs all the time. I like that I can wear men's shoes (thank the universe for giving me big feet) and that my fingers/hands are bigger than most of the women in life. I like that I am only one inch shorter than the male average in the US and I am taller than the global average (just learned this and I am thrilled). I like being called son and hoss. I like having short masculine haircuts.

And idk, maybe I am simply gnc or butch or nonbinary. But all of these things and more that I haven't remembered or forgot to add or will think of later (because I am actively contemplating this) is making me rethink things. And also, the first sexual identity I ever knew myself as was bi, and I freaked myself out so bad that I ran from that as long as I could. And, I am wondering if the same thing has happened here. As soon as I was able to conceive of myself (as far as I can remember) I started wanting to be a boy, but I have kept running from that little voice in the back of my brain that is aware of that since then. Maybe I will end up concluding I am not trans, but I don't want to keep running. I'm going to turn around and face it....... like a man. 😉

#this is not me coming out. I am just thinking and trying to figure things out and find words for what I'm feeling #maybe some day I will decide I am a man but right now I'm just thinking #I want to do some exploring of what I think it would look like for me to be a man #what I would want him to be like as a person #I think trying to figure out how I would want to look would be an exercise in frustration #because I am never going to look like the fictional men I want to be lol #so it doesn't help to worry about that #but I can work out more (if I have time after I move and start school lol) and I can dress more the way I want #and I can keep up with getting my haircut the way I like that makes me feel good #and I can get a new binder (mine SUCKS and I want to see if it's just the one I got or if binding just isn't really for me) #I can spend more time learning and preparing for school and spend more time outside #and read more and like learn to do my own oil changes #and how to fix issues around the house and be a little more handy #and get comfortable with power tools #I can grow as a person and if that person ends up being a man I will grow as a man as well

[lucalicatteart]

Poll adventure (paventure? lol) Day 11: read the small story tidbit below the poll for more details, OR just vote based on initial impression

(✦ see past poll results + further information HERE (link) ✦)

Yesterday's poll decided that The Adventurer should curiously socialize with a few of the boat travelers ...

~

"The Adventurer grabs one of the ornate glass bowls near the buffet table, meekly gathering some cheese and vegetables as he scans the crowd. For the first 15 minutes of the lunch, he mostly crouches in a corner seat, nibbling on his food and nervously fielding the occasional drunken question from a passing party guest..

Knowing he should.. probably... actually socialize at some point, he begrudgingly chooses conversational partners, squeezing his eyes shut and pointing around randomly until he lands on someone.....

The first is a scrawny man in a flashy suit, wobbly from wine but still keeping a vaguely charming demeanor about him. He proudly introduces himself as a "legal expert", then goes on to ramble for a while about the laws in the area, how drastically they vary from city to city (plus a few veiled hints on how to safely break them), and that if you travel a lot it can be hard to keep up with it all.

He mentions, quite conveniently, that he's recently published a book on the topic, a legal guide for local explorers, and offers to give The Adventurer a copy for a special discounted price... but... then soon recalls that the crate of books he'd planned to sell on the boat sadly ended up falling into the river earlier during a "silly little mishap"..

In place of a book, he simply slides The Adventurer a glossy mint colored paper swirled with golden floral motifs, supposedly serving as some sort of business card, though the actual contact information seems obscured beneath the cluttered design. The Lawyer also pulls off his scarf as he rises to leave, wrapping it around The Adventurer's shoulders with a little waving flourish (not the first time someone has confused his anxious shaking for cold shivers). The Adventurer stutters out a confused thank you, then watches as the Lawyer stumbles off, mumbling to himself that he's been drinking too much and "truly must find somewhere to piss"......

The second person he approaches is an older woman, hunched over a table fidgeting with a handful of colorful glass dice, spinning and stacking and arranging them into patterns whilst her thoughts drift elsewhere. Initially, she gives evasive answers when asked personal questions, but soon grows more talkative once the topic of local flora and fauna arises. She apparently used to adventure as well, roaming the lands to document various elements of nature relevant to her mysterious "private research" - though, at her age, she's now resigned to casual boat rides rather than riskily hiking alone through uncharted wilderness. Gently laying a worn leather journal of watercolor paintings out onto the tabletop, she points at various berries, leaves, and animals, eagerly describing their significance...

After chatting for a while, she abruptly changes topics, mentioning that sometimes she can "sense things which she should not" (whatever the hell that means), then asks him to pick one of her dice. He hesitates, but she just stares, refusing to elaborate further.. Finding even 30 seconds of awkward silent eye contact physically impossible to bear, he hurriedly plops a finger down in front of an iridescent yellow die. She chuckles..

Scooping up all of the dice from the table, she rattles them in her clasped hands, then brings them up to her ear as if to listen... to something?? A few moments later, she turns back to him, speaking in a raspy whisper: "There are others, melding your footprints with their own, seeking a gift you do not yet know - this is what I see."

Before he can ask her for any elaboration, the Captain returns, grumbling that The Adventurer has already stayed 5 minutes past the time limit and swatting at him with a broom to shoo him off of the boat. Apparently an hour can go by fast....

After climbing back into his dinky raft, he sails mostly successfully down the river, finally making it to a point that, at least based on his map, SHOULD be where the main road picks back up past the detour. He crashes into a small grouping of rocks whilst trying to navigate back to the shore, but he was planning on disassembling the raft to get his rope and supplies back anyway, so.. aside from a scraped knee and possibly broken pinky toe, he decides it's actually fine. The cat is okay, which is all that really matters, anyhow.

By the time he's taken apart his boat, eaten a quick meal, and bandaged his leg, the sun seems to have nearly set. It's later in the night than he'd usually like to travel, but, where he's going is a pretty commonly used road, so maybe it's safe? He's exhausted from socializing, but could probably muster enough energy to walk for at least a while. Or perhaps he should just call it a night and find a place to sleep.. But.. where??? What should he do?

-

Additional information

acquired a long, warm, expensive scarf

acquired slightly increased knowledge of local plants

acquired vague information from the 'dice based fortune teller', or whatever that was meant to be

acquired a business card (+ ability to get away with one minor crime free of legal consequence)

acquired mild nausea for the next 5hrs from weird buffet cheese

acquired badly scraped knee and sprained toe (will walk slightly slower for the next 2 days)

the adventurer's current main goal: follow his map to reach the abandoned castle ruins and see the rare animal specialist about the mysterious egg he has

#paventure posting #polls #choose your own adventure #okay yeahgh this one took like a week instead of a few days lol #I've went back to physical therapy for my chronic chest muscle issue and I think one of the new excercises they gave me in the #appointment ended up really irritating something instead of helping it because I was having way worse and sharper #chest pain for a few days. I went to the doctor and got an ekg just to rule out anything bad like that because I seriously #thought something was wrong but.. apparently it's just the same thing as always. It feels a bit better now #and hopefully wont get bad again if I ease into the excercises more. but for a few days I really didn't want to use my arms at all #so that means like.. not drawing or typing. also when I feel bad I kind of stray away from social media? I know for some peopls #social media is a good distraction when they're sick or whatever but I just find it stressful. I usually just lay on the floor #for a few days with silly cooking shows or Carefully Curated Youtube Videos That Specifically Contain Absolutley Zero Possibility #Of Stressful content Whatsoever on in the background lol.. ANYWAY. #I am at the moment able to use the computer again so I could draw things. hopefully will get on better schedules again one day #anyway!!... HE!!! adventure man... Again I hate trying to shorten things by just describing the conversations without dialogue #like saying “they talked about trees” rather than literally writing out a transcript of the entire conversation they had about trees #etc. I think because most of the time when I write it's in a very dialogue heavy context (like script type things. or visual novels/games #where lots of characters are talking and it's mostly that. etc.) So it feels awkward and bad to just skip over things #But also these would take days and days and days to do if I wrote out pages of conversation so I'm just doing vaguely rushed shortcut writi #writing trying to include only details that are necessary or etc. but ggbhjbhj... it's just so opposite to what I usually like #I always walk away like 'FINE.. i GUESS.. that will have to do >:T' lol #Kind of like how I hate literally every bit of digital art I have ever done because I'm so used to traditional art - specifically pencil #and pen stuff that's very sketchy and messy - and then digital art is all about clean even neat lines with a line tool and very polished #clean coloring - so it's super super opposite to my usual sketchy things and just Feels Wrong. I kind of like ms paint because it feels #like a middle ground like. it's somehow also sketchy even though it's digital. multiple pixelly lines over each other give it a 'sketch' #type feel. BUt anyway. It's supposed to be casual and quick and fun! I will choose to ignore all art and writing errors because #it is all about having a little advenchure! :3 As long as the main idea is clear enough for the voting to make sense . who cares #Remember to keep him safe! the dice lady is trying to help him. Regardless of where he sleeps though he can probably use the scarf #as a new warm blanket addition to his existing meager bedding situation lol. soft. fluffy. the cat will love it probably #Also again. whenever he talks to people the text will be longer. Sorry. Still trying for most of them to be short blurbs lol

[neverendingford]

.

#the problem with wearing clothes designed for women is that often I just end up looking like a gay or otherwise feminine man and thats worse #tag talk #like.. looking like a man who's trying to look feminine is just man-in-a-dress from a slightly different angle and it's just as dysphoric #and it's frustrating but I will continue to navigate this weird gender maze because some things look right so I just have to keep at it #second puberty for real in terms of exploring identity and fashion and figuring out what looks right and what works with my body #finding out what looks right and what looks weird and what feels right and what feels wrong #the good news is any thrifted clothes that don't work I can just keep for fabric scraps cause they're so cheap anyway #being able to sew and otherwise alter my clothes is really nice too. I added flared cuffs to my work pants and now they're my favorite pair #corduroy cuffs too. so they're got that slight outlandish look to them. Anyway gender is hard and I'm glad I'm not fully binary transfem #because on days when I don't feel like it I can just revert to default guy mode and then I'm way more comfortable

[heartbeetz]

Going to look at a couple apartments tomorrow and the next day... the anxiety is setting in

#nervous about whether or not my friend and I will be able to get a place #but now even more nervous about like. whether or not he's going to keep up on payments #he's the one with a job rn (both of us will have to find new ones once we move) but he's also historically VERY lax with money #in a way that scares me #(including not paying rent at some points during college) #I don't particularly fault him for it. life happens + buying things for your own enjoyment is fine #but when it impacts ME I get very scared #and idk how to bring this up without being a fucking asshole #and idk who should be ''in charge'' of the lease / payments / etc #I want it to be ME. bc I'm literally the most trustworthy one #but 1) I have no work history etc for the landlord to look at. which isn't great!! #and 2) if I CAN end up in charge despite that... idk if I trust him to always give me his portion so I can make payments from my account #grrr grrr grrr anxious beyond belief rn #for all I know the places we check out will suck shit in person and we won't try to rent there anyway #but just the thought..... #paces. paces. paces #roz posts

[welcometogrouchland]

It's either coming up to my period again OR I've just developed a disease where I get misty eyed at even the most banal sequences and scenes in ghibli movies. I was crying during the early parts of ponyo

#ramblings of a lunatic #ponyo is not a very emotional movie i just kept being like #OUGHHH LITTLE BABY...LITTLE BABY HAS TO TAKE CARE OF HIS MOM WHILE HIS DAD IS AWAY AT SEA...OUGH LITTLE FISH GIRL #nothing as bad as when i was crying during every scene in kikis delivery service tho lmao #i still haven't seen very many ghibli movies but they're all pretty wonderful #i had another art exam today so i think I'm gonna chill for the rest of the night now that's i watched the cute fish movie #I'll watch something new soon (i am eyeing that movie ever after 👁️👁️ sorry i still can't kick the fairytale spinterest revival rn) #but until then I'm gonna have fun #be silly hehe #I'm also at a weird place with my toh hyperfix where like. i went through intense pre-grief (is that?? what it's called) #like. near the beginning of the month #just being so so sad about it ending and the inevitable fandom dwindle that'll come with that (OBJECTIVE WORST PART!!!) #but that pre-grief was so intense that now I'm at a weird place of peace with it #once the shows over I'll probably start being able to actually like. watch and read other things now hsbdjdhfk #but i imagine it'll stay my main interest (to u guys. I'm more complex irl) for a good while (i wanna make more art i wanna try writing!!!) #just with other stuff spliced in as it comes (i wanna get back on reading sailor moon. maybe check in on deltarune again) #(TRY and get back into tlt again. hell maybe I'll check in on comics again! who knows) #but tbh as long as i find toh on my dash i doubt I'll ever really leave it behind lol #again- a relatively positive fandom experience plus a deep connection with the work is a recipe for me being Not Normal forever #I'm. making less sense as this goes on #anyway. you get it! I'm a big cry baby but also I'm at a state of peace for the moment. yeehaw

[saintedbythestorm]

Not dad trying to tell me about some big fallout news he heard about from some work colleague 😂 oh what the poor man just subjected himself too.

#it was about that leak from weeks ago. dad got quite the details about it. he walked right into that one. #and that dear sir is why we do not try to bring news about the hyperfixation. i will know about it and you will hear about it. #dude even got the history of fallout 3 as a bonus. since that was the one he mentioned 😂 #he also got a very veeeery long version about why i would necessarily get so excited about the leaks. #you know age of the document. the whole company sale thing. how much the time line clearly has already gone to shit. etc etc etc. #yeah... yeah i think he really came to regret that one 😅 #listen i have only slept 5 hours. am high on caffeine and painkillers- almost had a migraine ok. #which means i have like 0 filter rn and am quite brain tired. i will not realise how long i am going on for once i get started rn. #the info dump has started and it will end when i brain says so. i sure af won't notice I am doing it cause I'm just excited to share #not until i manage to like finish my long ass story do i realise i went on for like a good 20-30 minutes... oops. #and that may just be a generous estimate cause i got really going on the infodump ok. it was a blast. ngl. #i am very passionate about fallout ok. this is what happens when you fall asleep to fallout lore most days of the week. #yes i lost the plot ages ago about this hyperfixation. it makes me very happy. so i don't even care. i will keep doing it. #til the hyperfixation dies and bring great sadness to the lands... til we find something else. god knows when that is though. #i am very ok if fallout hyperfixation just... doesn't go away actually. i like hyperfixation. brings many a solution when upsetty. #.... i really need to stfu up now. hi. 👋 why are you still reading this??? these ramblings of a madman. 😂 #ryder speaking #i got this far before i realised i did not in fact write wouldn't get excited... well i aint fixing it now 🙃

[murobrown]

.

#it's 3 am and I can't fall asleep again #I just woke up from a nightmare where I got stabbed #it was a cool dream in a way because I was reading a newspaper and there was a report about some stabbing #and only through that I found out that I was the victim and that I'm actually dead #cool but I woke up all shaky #then I was laying in my bed trying to fall asleep when I realised I forgot to take out the chicken from the freezer #so I gather all my strength and get to the kitchen only to find out that there's no more chicken #now I'm back in bed and there's a fucking fly in my bedroom #it's buzzing nonstop and soon I think I willget into full Walter White mode #i also dreamt about elevators just riding them constantly in some huge New York looking city #and in the end I found out thay that city wasn't real and it was only a model of a city in someone's room #isn't it torture when I talk about my dreams? #also my stomach is killing me maybe that's why I'm having those crazy dreams #i think I'll try to go and try to sleep again #i just wanted to share my wild Saturday night with you #goodnight!!!

[lil-cherubb]

I made 2 crochet snowflakes today as Christmas tree ornaments for my mom. Kinda sad I didn't work on the amigurumi stuff but I mean bro I'm getting fucked in the ass by school rn so ill just be a bit sad I'm not gonna be hard on myself

#I keep having my moments of like “I'm never going to get anything done at this rate” and then I'm like #wake up you stupid bitch its the middle of October you have until end of December!!!!!!! #literally I'm so hard on myself about it :( #I'm doing good and I'm actually motivated to be crocheting for once #I do need to find a newer pattern to make for my dad tho #I might make three things. but prob two for my dad #bc I'm making two for my sis #and one for my mom + blanket for my mom #and two for my grandma #And then I'm trying to finish a couple projects I have in the works for myself so I can like #make myself Christmas presents lol #and have them all done so I can open the presents and show them to everyone #Which by that I mean my knit blanket and POSSIBLY MAYBE A CARDIGAN #bc I got some new yarn and I rlly rlly wanna make a cardi with it :)) a knit cardigan specifically #Anyways gn I'm just ranting in the tags now lol

[slippery-minghus]

thinking about joining a local jiu jitsu class.... i'm SO not athletic and have always had a pretty negative relationship with sports, ambivalent at best, but i WANT TO feel good in my body and maybe even learn how to use it a little better? maybe even get a little stronger?

there's a free "see if it's for you" class i can do tomorrow and the guy was super nice.... so maybe. just maybe an autistic fat queer like myself can go out in the world and get a hobby that involves moving my body. maybe

#i'm excited in the way that comes with things i never follow through on #because fuck what if i don't like it? what if it's hard to integrate into my limited routine even if i do? so i never ever try #but it's a new year and i'm going to be fucking 30 in a month...... and i'm BORED #i'm BORED AS HELL with my life right now!!! #i want to get out and DO THINGS but how the hell do i find things? where do i go? what do i do? #i'm walking distance from this gym (and the bros i've seen leaving are always super nice) #which is a major factor in accessibility for me - i never go to gyms i have to drive to #and it's kinda expensive but.... i can afford it?? #i'd been doing electrolysis for months last year and THAT was definitely more per month than this and i always made ends meet anyway #and i'll have my new HSA for the year that can pay for the first few sessions when i pick back up with it in march #fuck #i'm just so tired of not having enough energy to do the things i want #and there's a good chance making my body stronger will fucking help with that?? #and if these people are even halfway nice enough and i can get in the groove of a routine.... well. maybe i CAN make a change #fucking hell #i need to remind myself a lot that a big part of unmasking and being authentically me is choosing to live and act by my values #and i VALUE being brave and trying new things- not bc i'm forced to. and now that i'm an adult i'll be allowed to quit if i don't like it #my parents aren't forcing me into this. and i'm old enough to make my own choices and stop running from things that remind me of theirs #my strategy has always been Avoid Things My Parents Would've Made Me Do but they're not fucking here?? and trying a physical activity isn't #saying that they were right to push me like that as a kid. i'm old enough to try it on my own terms now. #and that it's a sport doesn't mean its to punish me for having the body and mind that i have. NO it's to grow them. #and i can try and maybe even enjoy and keep with this new thing and not have it become a jail sentence for daring to express interest in it #i can try something else if i don't like it (not a jail sentence) and i can stick with it if i DO like it (also not a jail sentence!!!) #this is not basketball-softball-swimming-gymnastics-band-choir—all of the things i was curious to try as a kid and was forced to keep at #for years as 'punishment' for having expressed curiousity and then finding out it wasn't for me #(and SO much of it wasn't for me bc i was treated exactly the same as i was everywhere else as a kid: shamed and ignored! #NEVER welcomed and taught!!!) well it's DIFFERENT NOW. bc i'm fucking almost 30 DAMMIT #and i'm not in that shithole town anymore where every single person had a chip on their shoulder. like. there's something WRONG in that town #real people are so much nicer. #narrating my life