#so now i'm gonna go to the fucking grocery store and use my stupid coupons and get shitty drive thru coffee on the way home

[solarisposting]

will be ruminating on very decidedly unhealthy ideas about body image, weight loss, disordered eating, etc. below the read more.

whenever I start choking on shame for whatever reason, or whenever I get overwhelmed with everything around me, I return to the now-defunct thinspo and fitspo blogs I used to frequent almost obsessively from ~2010-2015 or so, and fitspo was just thinspo with extra disclaimers about why it wasn’t bad like thinspo.

in that period, I would comb through endless infographics about caloric contents, and fitness challenges, and before-and-after shots to show that you can do it too, you sad lonely fat girl, and gif sets of strong beautiful adult athletes and personal trainers doing so-called beginners’ workouts that I was never able to accomplish. I voraciously consumed the gospel of simple rules like fats bad, white rice bad brown rice good, bread pasta carbs bad, roasted broccoli baked chicken breast with a little salt and pepper on a bed of brown rice as the ultimate healthy meal, chew gum or work out to curb cravings (which was coincidentally a popular piece of advice on “pro-ana” blogs and websites I would sometimes come across, though I want to emphasize that I never had a full-blown, serious eating disorder - just disordered eating problems, which aren’t to be minimized by any means), couch to 5k couch to 5k couch to 5k, drink chocolate milk after runs to help your muscles recover but also lay off the dairy fatass, if you want chips eat carrots with hummus but only a small amount of hummus because it’s 70 to 90 calories per two tablespoon serving and if you want candy or chocolate or desserts then eat fruit dried fruit fresh fruit fruit and PLAIN GREEK yogurt with a little honey if you REALLY need additional sweetness, bananas as the core of every healthy diet and recipe, replace sour cream and heavy whipping cream with plain greek yogurt replace ranch and other dipping sauces with lightly seasoned plain greek yogurt thinned out with water or low fat milk, three ingredient protein pancake three ingredient protein pancake three ingredient protein pancake!!! (it’s just scrambled banana eggs with cinnamon and it’s disgusting), banana nice cream if you want a treat :-), 70 ish calories in an egg 100 ish calories in that one brand and size of tortillas you like but why are you eating tortillas when you could be be doing lettuce wraps instead coffee as basically calorie-free and then if you’re light with the NONDAIRY LOWFAT or else CREAMER then it’s almost guilt free!!

and on and on and on forever and ever.

that shit, which I intentionally and willingly sought out and consumed, damaged me so badly for years before a therapist I saw briefly in college pointed out that actually, I did have eating problems and actually, I should see a campus nutritionist because it was not normal to not eat for a day and a half and then eat as much as possible in one sitting so that it caused immense amounts of pain and emotional distress and the pain of eating too much and the pain of not eating at all being used as forms of self harm is supremely concerning actually and actually being ashamed to order food and too anxious to order food and too uncomfortable to purchase food on a daily basis when you’re a college student using a meal plan that necessitates those things is a huge worry and really, you deserve better and your body and mind need better to keep running and no you don’t have a full blown eating disorder and no you’re not in need of hospitalization and yes it’s good that no matter how many times you’ve tried you can’t make your body purge after you binge it’s concerning that you try but you aren’t a failure for being unable to purge.

I can barely understand what I was trying to write at first lmao but basically I still look at my old sources of obsession, blogs that haven’t updated since 2013 or so, blogs with ultra damaging and unhealthy rhetoric and because these other teens were victims of the neverending machine of diet diet lose weight diet that I was and still am. I saved probably over a hundred graphics from one of these blogs when I got my first laptop in 2013 and they’re still on my computer now, four laptops and eight years later, all saved in a word document titled “this is why” that I still refuse to delete and that I look at a couple times a year because I get so sick of myself, my weight gain, even when I was 145 pounds and objectively thin for my body type for the first time in my life and gained back five pounds going into college, and end up trying to trigger a period of this awful unhealthiness where I fixate obsess ruminate on and on over numbers exercise to the point of hurting myself (whether I get to that point or not) unsatisfying so-called healthy meal substitutions and truly try and brute-force myself into the same awful mindsets and behaviors that used to rule over me years ago. it’s like unhealthy and damaging and self injurious behavior is the only way I know.

#cw body image #cw disordered eating #cw eating disorders #idk i'm just guessing on these tags. i never had an ED but they're mentioned #and honestly this shit - which should admittedly be a private journal entry lmao - is just trigger city #i'm doing pretty all right actually because I chose to write this out after about ten minutes on one of those old blogs #seeing all the shit I soaked in back in the day and still choose to hold on to #and basically remind myself that all of that is miserable and HARD and isolating #so now i'm gonna go to the fucking grocery store and use my stupid coupons and get shitty drive thru coffee on the way home #and probably a pastry from the co op because i did a difficult yoga practice last night and i'm hoping to run tonight and i deserve #whatever foods are healthy in moderation and okay for me because i'm alive and have a body and don't need to punish #myself to live in this body no matter how fat and big it may be and i am allowed to exist like this without caveats #and sure i'll spiral because i'm pendulum swinging from spending an hour to write about disordered eating and steeping in those seemingly #inescapable thoughts and feels straight over to 'i can exist in my fat body i am allowed to do that and i can eat foods that aren't healthy' #but i'll weather it however i can

[soclonely]

The Clones as Practical New Years Resolutions

Rex- Be the version of you that YOU want to be. None of that Be NiCeR tO oThErS eVeN oN bAd DaYs or any of that. If you want to be a bitch because you are tired and constantly harassed, do it! If you want to sit on your couch every single day after work or school and chill out for the entirity of your free time, hell yeah get some blankets and lay down. A new years resolution is about YOU and what YOU want for yourself.

Echo- when you are making a sandwich, do the whole tick and roll of the bread thing a little less. I mean it works, don't get me wrong! But the little bread tie is right there and if you don't put it on, it's just going to just fall off your counter and get kicked under the stove and you'll have to clean it up in 3-5 years when you finally decide to deep clean the kitchen save future you some work now!

Fives- take that extra 5 minutes in the shower, even if you are running late. You are already rushing, so you may as well enjoy a few moments of peace as you start a stressful day.

Jesse- if you are like me, you don't have much motivation of doing your hair beyond tossing it into a ponytail. Shake it up this year! Get some colorful hair ties or little clippies for your pony tails. I just got pretty blue ones.

Kix- sometimes self care means shaving cool shapes into your hair, or maybe a cool tattoo somewhere. Take those risks you've been thinking about this year. I bet it'll look hawt.

Tup- walk out of a family event when you get uncomfortable, even if they think you are being the crazy one. Dump that glass of water on your dates head when he flirts with the waitress, Rob a bank, the options are endless when you realize your feelings can be completely valid, even when others make you feel like they aren't

Dogma- finish the entire bottle of ketchup before opening a second one.

Hardcase- Start the news years out with a laugh, instead of good intentions. Its okay to not even have a resolution. Spend it with good friends, or spend it in bed watching your favorite movie!

Coric- Remember that online friends are still friends, and never feel bad about having a closer bond with someone halfway across the world compared to a childhood friend.

Bly- Lose weight. No. seriously. Dump that guy you have been talking to but only when its on his terms. Lose those "friends" of yours that stress you out. Fuck looking good for bikini season, you are gonna FEEL good all year round dropping a few hundred lbs out of your social life

99- flush potty AFTER standing up and closing lid. We've all done it, we have also all suffered at the hands of the automatic toilet flushings

Cody- Clean out your email inboxes AT LEAST once this year. Just one time.(yes even the promos one with all the juicy coupons you are never going to use anyway)

Waxer/Boil- yeet the social media sites I don't really use. I'm tired of seeing my elementary school bully on facebook and her stupid pet ferret. Its all she posts about.

Wolffe-Save some money for a rainy day. That way I can shop online instead of having to go to an actual store.

Boost/Sinker- Provide the world with more memes

Hunter- Dress more like its the 1980s and less like its the 2020s. They had jogging suits back then and I am sorry but thats much better than leggings or high rise jeans and whatever crop top is in season.

Tech- Read less weird wikipedia articles online and watch more cute cat and puppy videos instead. I get lost in the abyss of weird internet when I do that and honestly, some things down there are best left undiscovered

Wrecker- Only do my grocery shopping on free sample day. I get a good FREE meal at the end AND the weekly chore of groceries done in one go!

Crosshair- don't get all burnt out due to work or your hobbies. You are allowed to take a break and should start doing so this year.

Omega- Continue wearing a mask, social distancing, and washing hands to protect those around you from not only covid, but other gross things that go around every year.

Howzer- Buy pants with no buttons or zippers. Stretchy is bestie

Fox- Stop taking up the bathroom stall at work for you morning meetings. Cutting back on your morning coffee can help! If you are going to be in there for an hour, do it so your boss won't shove more shit on your desk and instead make Karen from accounting DO HER FUCKING JOB.

Gregor- Drink more.

#khai come get ya juice #star wars #the clone wars #captain rex #arc trooper echo #arc trooper fives #arc trooper jesse #medic kix #clone trooper tup #clone trooper dogma #clone trooper hardcase #medic coric #commander bly #99 #commander cody #waxer/boil #commander wolffe #boost/sinker #the bad batch #clone force 99