#so it's kinda giving me summer depression just because I'm so bored and want out of this house | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

naturalbornkillass · 2 years

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delayed post from 07/10/22 - A weird week: still depressed // might need to get the “hottest girl in rehab” sweatshirt. // modern feminism // why am i attracted to older men i dont even ducking have daddy issues

The last part happened today but i’ll include it into my evenfully unevenful week

i’ve been ridiculously depressed and irritable this week. i havent touched my prescripted medicine and i probably should. i’m in no way getting better.

During the 4th of july, i got into a hugeeee argument with my dad and i ended up staying home and playing roblox w my friends. it was kinda fun, then it all hit me. I’m at home during the 4th of july, doing absolutely nothing. I was bored and depressed. I HAD NOTHING TO DO!! So I ordered some food from grubhub and it made me feel better for a little bit. Then it hit me again. I'm getting fomo. How can i celebrate the 4th. of july? and listen I’m not the most patriotic citizen, and to be honest, i’m not big on independence day. although I am big on the celebrations itself, whether or not i really give a fuck about the reason of the celebration .

i decided to try lsd for the first time, and it was def the most sensational type of high i’ve ever experienced. especially bc it was laced with some other strong ass shit, which i didn't really know until i got tested positive for other stuff. I didn't rly mind tho, i had a good time regardless. My therapist was not happy ofc, so they actually told me that they may have to send me to a 30 day rehabilitation program if things don’t improve within the next week. It’s either that, or I have to stay at a psych ward for 7 days minimum, which isnt as bad, given that it’s so easy to trick them into thinking that you’re doing well within the span of a week. But either way, i’ll be stripped away from any sort of communication with all of you. unless i can memorize all of your number. not tryna do all that.

I'm against it, obviously. I’m functioning! I should be fine.

The reason why i’m not making such a big deal out of this is bc I’m not being too irresponsible with everything. Honestly i really do believe that they’re just trying to profit off of me. No one really knows what to do in those places. None of the staff members really know what they were getting themselves into. If you’re there for the money, why cant you at least try to put some effort on the shit tht you were supposed to do?

if i do end up in one in the future, best believe i’m pulling up in the corniest fit ever

but fr tho i actually have to start putting some effort because i’m not trying to go to some goddamn facility. I have many plans for this summer and living in a place w a bunch of druggiez isnt my thing. if all fails, i hope to be grouped with cool people.

i met someone on roblox, which i’ve spent a few hours with….at night. it was fun okay, and im not for edating, but this is entertaining for me. i wonder how many ppl he’s groomed online. better yet, i wonder how many people get groomed on roblox??? He’s 21 btw i forgot to mention, and yeah he does sound like it. Thats all i can say tho.

The thing is, you’ll never know if your the groomer or the groomee. Edating is so funny to me despite the times that i’ve attempted to do so. I got out of that phase towards the beginning(-ish?) of 9th grade. After that, I’ve just started fishing for some creepy pedos online and i tried to see if i can get money off of them. I found many, but they all wanted my fucking face to be in pictures/videos and they wanted to be able to hear my voice and such, like how desperate can you be? Theyre all really fucking pathetic and it just pissed me off seeing people live like that. Discord users are really something else……..

just dont edate. It's that easy.

One thing that I have noticed is that I kinda have a problem with older men. Why am I writing about this online rather than telling a professional about this? Idk but I just felt like it needs to be talked about. No, I don't have daddy issues, which proves that it's only a common stereotype. Women have such a great amount of power, simply just by existing. Next thing you know, you've hypnotized them into throwing their cash onto you.

#naturalbornkillascore

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transwitchsammy · 2 years

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Slight Rambles #1 (11/08/22)

Thought I'd kinda ramble a bit cause I forgot just how much I love posting here and I want to make a better habit of just posting. The love of experiencing what it feels like to like to have a blog again. A little space to just like write or post or whatever. A space that I remember having within the walls of this site years and years ago.

This might come off slightly manic or weird and all over the place, I'm running on not a lot of sleep cause my sleep has been bad and I've got important shit to work on today at least. So if some of this is a little incoherent I'm fine just a tiny bit out of it. But just really wanting to write and post it cause I'm a little bit of an attention whore but honestly especially at this point in my transition I'm proud of that shit. I feel like I was afraid to take any pride in myself because of different aspects of my environment but now I just don't care and the older I get the less I'm caring and just doing my best to vibe. I'm living my life the best way I feel I can.

Obviously I wanna change things. Financially, things with myself and aspects of my body. I wanna be cuter and cooler. More of that ideal goth I'd always idealized and envied as a kid. I'm getting there more and more. Looking at old videos and photographs I don't even recognize that person. I pulled up old shitty videos from years ago, eons and lifetimes ago at this point, and that person was so sad and angry. I just didn't recognize them but I felt for them and where they were.

I feel like at some points in my life I lost myself. As a child, as a teenager, college, after I dropped out, a little bit of the past year (2021 too tbh) sort of until like this summer. Just dissociation after dissociation. Loss of the self. Constant rediscovery. Sometimes I think I'm just gonna loop that lost feeling forever cause my brain chemistry is kinda fucked no matter how I look at it. But I just remember that life ain't really cut and dry like that. We all kinda wander and stumble and fumble and wonder if life is really just constantly that and so far it has been. But the more it happens the more I've been excited to learn and grow and change from it. I feel like old me, sad me, angry me would've just stewed and not tried to push forward in some way. The internal void would've probably just eaten away again and again in a constant loop. But today, nah. I spiral a bit sure. I'm not perfect, I got shit and things I need to constantly work at. But I don't feel hopeless anymore.

Finding yourself lost again and again, finally regaining that confidence and love of the self too is vitally important. But every time it feels like it has the potential to slip from me again and something about that sometimes crushes me in ways. Like I should be able to feel stronger within myself as a person. But I feel like I just give it all away so easily sometimes. Not even in a conscious effort to undermine my core self but more-so to feel like I'm connecting with others in a way that I don't fully know if it is real.

I'd always felt this weird disconnect from others. Like part of that as a kid was the dysphoria and the constant depression and anger and shittiness that my trauma manifested within me.

Part of it too was a deep fear of people stemmed from a magnitude of shit and life experiences that I won't go into in this post. As I got better at masking, pretending and socializing, the better I got at trying to appeal to people's tastes. But part of me felt like I was just a poser. Constant imposter syndrome that ate at me internally, made me feel like a liar when I just liked the same things as well. But I constantly would second guess myself. So part of me questioned if that was even real? Or if there was just an emptiness, a boring husk where an interesting person should be. Left by the expectations of so many and none of the me I feel that I am now.

There's ideas of who I am. People tell me who I am, but sometimes it feels like an aspect of me wants to crawl out, a multiple selves sort of. I think that's the part of myself I was embarrassed of embracing for so long. This earnest self I felt I had to subdue just to survive and feel like I was surviving in the world that I didn't choose to exist in by the standards of others that I just didn't understand why I had to care about. But I didn't want to be alone. I was terrified of that.

Maybe something snapped. I still don't wanna be alone. But I feel like I've settled into accepting my introversion and tendencies I used to hate, especially as my transition has progressed and I've just gained a different understanding and context for my body and emotional health. My quietness, my hunger for the creative and the critique without trying to uphold myself to the standards of those who do nothing for me or the things I want to make. I can communicate through my art, through my writing, through my critiques. The genuine heart talks through what it creates, who and what it gravitates towards and what it fixates towards.

I didn't realize how much I missed Tumblr honestly.

Honestly, this site might be the key to regaining my love for my stream of consciousness writing. I grew to hate it over the course of the past years for a lot of personal self loathing emotional roller coaster reasons and outside of critiques I just haven't written like this at all and it's fucking invigorating. It makes me feel capable and feeling like I can just do it if I set my mind to expressing like this again. The written word means so much to me and I didn't realize how much I was suppressing that underneath the weight of tweets.

How miserable birdsite made me was unhealthy and I really should have stopped using it earlier on but I wanted to be more plugged in. I wanted to be in the social square, I still want to promote my work, in a way I can't fully disconnect.

I feel like this whole year, things that happened in the real especially, showed me how much I just needed to stop caring about a lot of dumb shit, give people who I feel like deserve my time and attention and fuckin ENERGY cause I deserve that shit. I love the people I talk to and hang with rn. If you're reading this you probably know who you are. I deserve that happiness. I deserve that respect and I wanna do my best to pay kindness like that back in spades. Communicating, shooting the shit, writing, talking art, creation, critique, art. Let's fucking go.

I'm over the stage of looking up to people who don't feed the energy back that I give them. Tired of the days of looking for role models and inspirations outside of the art and the vibes themselves. I will become better at this. I will surround myself with art, artists and lovers of art and creating and discussing. I need that for what I consider to be myself.

This is catharsis. If ya read all of this. Thank you. I'm gonna do this more every now and again. I'm gonna make every year that I can do the best I can by driving myself forward in my passions no matter what. No matter how. I'm me, I'm here, I'm real and I'm gonna fucking live.

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bokutouch · 3 years

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Hi!!! I was wondering if I could get an eternal matchup pls??

- my names Olivia and I’m 17.

- I go by she/her pronouns and I want to be matched with a male character from Haikyuu!! please.

- My birthday is January 6th, 2004 and I’m a Capricorn Sun, Cancer Moon, and Libra Rising (my Mercury is in Sagittarius, my Venus is in Aquarius, and my Mars is in Aries if you wanted to know the rest).

- I’m 5’2, I have brownish-red hair and blue eyes.

- I spend a lot of time doing school work because I’m really driven by it and I’ve had good grades a majority of high school. When I’m not doing schoolwork I enjoy listening to music or going on a walk! I really like going on sunrise/sunset walks bc they’re always really pretty! I try to do community service in my free time because I really enjoy helping others out. I'm currently a summer camp counselor but I hope to be a lab tech one day :)

- If I were to go on a date with a partner I don't really mind what we do, but I like book dates, movie dates, and especially museum dates!! In a partner I'm looking for someone who shares the same interests as me, is kind, has a good sense of humor, and most importantly can understand and work through my emotions with me. I get really bad mood changes so if he can work with me through that I really value it. My love languages are acts of service and quality time.

- I think that one of my fatal flaws is that although I appear kind and respectful when I’m out in public, I have pretty severe anxiety, depression, and anger issues so I struggle with that a lot. I also get really defensive and stubborn when someone says something that annoys me so i kinda never stop talking lol.

- To finish off I’m an ISFP and Enneagram Type 9v1.

- I hope you have a great day! Ty if you do this! ❤

Hello olivia, thanks for coming to my brand new rocket ship!! 🚀

first of all I apologize bcs I'm not really educated about astrology,

so I'll just use your other description as best as I could okay??

I SHIP YOU WITH AKAASHI KEIJI!

"why akaashi?" you might askㅡ

first of all, some part of you reminded me of bokuto.

and some part of you definitely reminded akaashi of bokuto too. it's not a bad thing really.

Akaashi looks at you and think, "ah, she is my home."

because "home" supposed to be comfortable, because home supposed to be familiar. Being with you bring him peace. You are his home, his tranquility, his safe haven.

Most people told him, "God- you are such a boring person, Akaashi." and as the time goes by, he is starting to believe that tooㅡ but thats until you come into his life.

You're one of his classmate. And not gonna lie, at first akaashi only know you as the quiet girl who always buried her nose in books. "If I am boring, she must be a lot more boring than me." that's what he thought of you, bcs really everytime he sees you, its always you and your books. He understands the importance of having good grades, but should you really be doing that everyday?

The first time you two have a really long talk was when one day akaashi saw you still sitting inside your shared classroom, all alone bcs it's almost 6 pm and of course everybody left already. Nose buried deep in books like you always do, but this time he could hear you humming a song- it's a song that he also enjoyed listening to. He never sing in front of other people before, but for some reason he wanted to join your little secret concert at that time, so he did. He sing along to your little hummingㅡ 1 song turn into 2, turn into 3, and you still didn't notice him at all. He laughed a little because "what's so interesting in that clinical laboratory science book that she doesn't even realized I've been here for almost 10 minutes already."

He tapped your shoulder two times, and you jumped at that.

"H-hey? Um, sorry, I just.. I've been waiting here for you to finally notice me but I guess that book is really interesting, huh?" he smiled at you, feeling a little bad after seeing your reaction at his little tap tap on your shoulder.

"Oh, yes... I want to be a lab tech in the future, so um you know, just preparing." you awkwardly smiled back at him.

"Well, uh.. I know you definitely going to be an amazing lab tech one day. I saw you reading tons of books related to that job everyday in class, so... I believe your hardwork will be paid off."

"wait... that was so nice of him." you stared at akaashi who's currently fidgeting with his fingers.

"Thank you for saying that, Akaashi. That really means a lot to me. People have been telling me that my dream job is just that, a dream. Hearing you saying that someday my hardwork will be paid off really motivate me to prove them wrong. I swear I'm gonna rub it on their face once I got the job." you grins at him.

And at that, Akaashi heart beating a little bit faster than the usual. Was it your thankful speech for him? Was it your cute little grin? He doesn't really knowㅡ one thing he knows for sure though, he wants to keep talking to you. From today, tomorrow, and as long as you would let him.

"Hey, uh... it's going to get dark soon. Do you maybe want to go home together with me?"

You could see how nervous akaashi was after asking you that question, so you just nods and start fixing your books into your bag. Right before you zip up your bag, you remembered the main reason you are still in the classroom at that hour is because you were planning to see the sunset on your way back home, "Wait Akaashi, I actually want to see the sunset today..."

"Oh? I usually go home as the sun set due to my volleyball practice. The sight look really pretty if you see it from on top of the hills behind our school. Do you want to go there? I can show you the best spot."

Of course you accept his offer enthusiastically. So yes, that day is the beginning of your friends to lovers type of relationship with Akaashi.

Akaashi confessed to you first.

His friend circle are full of annoying people. They all be like,

"COME ON AKAASHI!! CONFESS YOUR UNDYING LOVE TO OLIVIA ALREADY."

"AKAASHI, DO YOU WANT TO SEE OTHER GUY SNATCH HER UP? HUH? ANSWER ME. AKAASHI!! AKAASHI!! WAIT UP!! "

"AKAASHI, WHAT IF OLIVIA DECIDED TO FALL FOR SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE YOU ARE BEING SUCH A PUSSY AND WON'T CONFESS TO HER?"

"AKAASHI THIS" "AKAASHI THAT" "AKAASHI" "AKAASHI"

so during your usual study date day, he just decided to straight up ask you to be his girlfriend.

"W-what?" you just sat there for a whole minute because... what if things gonna feel different once you two put a real label to your not so friendly friendship? What if being friends with Akaashi is a lot more better than being his girlfriend? What if he ended up leaving you because he doesn't like the real you? There are so many ugly things that you hide from him, would he still love you the same after seeing all those imperfection? so many what if(s) going inside of your head, so little time to actually process each one of it.

"Umm, you can say no, you know...." all the messy thoughts inside your head stopped right away after hearing that.

"NO! wait, Keiji- I mean, not no to be your girlfriend, its no to me saying no to be your girlfriend." God, its hard to be in love. You can't control your heart, your brain, and now your tongue. God bless your soul, olivia.

"So.... is that a yes to be my girlfriend then?" Akaashi looks really small in that moment. He is still not sure if he can finally kiss you or not. Only being a friend to you for these past 6 months kept him from doing a lot of romantic stuff with you. Kissing you, holding your hands for no reason, hugging you any time he wants to, actually go on a study date with you instead of a childish study day. So now he really won't waste a single time if you answer his previous question with a "Yes" ;

After having a long talk about your imperfections, all your insecurities, and also tons of frustrated tears coming from your eyes, you finally say yes and there you have your new title as Akaashi Keiji's new girlfriend. He definitely got his long waited kiss from you too 🌻.

HEADCANON(s)!!

Bokuto once joined you and akaashi's museum date and he broke a statue hand after trying to handshake the statue. He grabbed the broken hand and show it to you and akaashi with teary eyes. Can't do nothing but running for your life and never comeback to that one particular museum 😭

You and Akaashi have the same love language, "Act of Service" ; So the two of you enjoy giving each other little massage here and there.

Just like you, Akaashi love being helpful for others too, so he really enjoyed the time he spent accompanying you to all your community service agendas. People that you two have been helping together ship you guys so much, especially the elderly couple. They keep saying "You two will make it until old days like us two."

After a long time dating eachother, you two decided to adopt a cute siberian husky that you named "Bobo". Akaashi rejected that name at first, because "Honestly love, I don't like how you picked a name so close to Bokuto's name. Our dog deserves better." You gasped at that, "How dare you, Keiji. This is our son! And his name is Bobo. I don't take no for an answer."

RUNNER UP(s) !!

OSAMU MIYA

SAWAMURA DAICHI

SHINSUKE KITA

alright this getting too long haha.

I hope you enjoy the results, love 🦋

#🦋eternal matchup!#angie's matchup🕊#matchup #haikyuu matchup

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emepe · 3 years

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Hey M :)

It feels like it’s been so long since I last talked to you. Hopefully you’re feeling a lot better than the last time but please take it easy. Stay hydrated, get lots of rest, maybe some vitamin D too since it helps boost your immune system. Oh also no energy drinks because those mf’s cause heart palpitations.

It feels so surreal that AoT has finally come to an end. Of course there were some things I felt could have been changed/didn’t like. But overall, I liked chapter 139. Not to be an asshole to farmer Kun, but if I was a queen you bet that I’d have a harem with him, Armin, and Jean.

Sorry for getting off track, but I definitely gotta give it to the author for investing 11 years of his life to give us a story like this. I just hope his mental health is ok because even if you didn’t like the ending, it’s no good reason to send the man death threats.

How have you been so far? So far I’m doing ok. Kinda drowning in a large amount of homework and it’s hard to play catch up with the quarter system at uni. But I’m definitely looking forward to summer. I’ve been asking a lot of people on tumblr for writing advice and spitballing ideas and y’all are so nice. Like you guys reply to me even if I’m saying something so boring like how’s your day going. You’re one of writers who inspire me to get back into writing fanfiction actually. So please give me any tips if you have any 🥺

Just wanted to let you know I love and appreciate you, M 💕💕

-💫

Hi, bub! 🥺❤ I've missed you!

My physical health is no longer in shambles, thank you for asking, although I can't say much for the other part. Don't want to be depressing or anything, just being honest 🧍🏻‍♀️ I've gone through some very lousy days and I've set myself on survival mode.

I get you on feeling like aot ending is surreal. I remember getting into it when I was 16(?) and now I'm 22 so 😳. I totally agree with you on not attacking the creator. Whether you liked the ending or not, you have to recognize that it's a lot of pressure to satisfy everyone's "needs" regarding the story and burnout is real. One of my mutuals mentioned that he just wasn't in love with his work anymore and after reading that I thought "yikes... but yeah, it makes sense". Oh well, nobody truly knows except for Isayama himself. Maybe if he'd had some more time to branch out alternative endings and pinpoint a few more details that his readers needed closure on, it would've been better... or not. I'm sure there would still be people who'd be left unsatisfied—as per usual.

I'm glad you're doing okay and that you're using the idea of summer vacation to push through 🥺 Having something to look forward to always helps so just hang in there! I can't say the same for me because I'll be picking up classes in the summer to make up for taking last semester off (because of covid and money issues) 😭

Also thank you for saying that. I got into writing fanfiction because of another writer, and to have someone send that energy my way feels so nice 🥺❤ And you never bore me; stop by as much as you want to! As for writing advice, I don't have much but at the top of my head...

Read. It's the best way to expand your vocabulary, get new ideas, and inspiration.

Don't compare your writing to other people's. I think it's okay to take notes from works you enjoy to improve your own (so for example if you like the way a certain writer describes things or emotions, incorporate that into your work), but don't acquire the whole I'll-never-be-as-good mentality.

Write only what and when you feel like it. If you're not motivated in the moment to work on a specific piece or write at all, you're only going to get frustrated and the result won't be as good as it would've been if you were actually in the mood to do it. So if you want to set aside one piece for a different one or take a break from writing altogether, that's completely fine.

Music. I feel like depending on the story you want to write, having a playlist that fits the overall tone of it (or a specific scene) will help you feel inspired and—again—set the mood for you to develop your ideas.

If you're not too sure if your ideas are good but you still have that itch to work on them, do it! It's better to materialize the ideas you have instead of having them rot in the back of your mind. You have to start from somewhere and even if it doesn't turn out like you expected, at least you'll have something to learn from that experience.

#asks #💫 anon #writing tips

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yourdaintyvixen2 · 5 years

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I'm really tired

So basically here's a recap of my recent life:

I've got chronic joint pain that varies in intensity and sorta moves around, though it's mostly in my hips, neck, back, and hands. My doctor insists it's because I'm fat and out of shape and hasn't listened to a thing I've said.

I've been trying to find some sort of romantic interest so I'm making the same mistake I made last summer and meeting up with a boy I met on Tinder who's not American and will be leaving at the end of the summer (this one's a brit). Also we were supposed to have already met up last week but he basically pushed me off by 2.5 hours and I bailed because I was incredibly bored and I've been pushed off before and it's tiring. I'm young and dumb and have decided to give him a second chance. He's insisted I start watching Peaky Blinders, and honestly 3 episodes in it seems pretty good.

Just a reminder I'm dumb and acknowledging that, this will likely end poorly.

I've got a therapist, sort of, shes having me go to see her at a different office because she doesn't have access to a psychiatrist at the first one, and she has decided I have a pressing need for pills in my life. I'm not saying she's wrong, but I am saying it's concerning when a therapist wants to get you on meds ASAP and makes you program the local crisis line into your phone. I get that she doesn't really know me after 3 sessions but youd think that she'd trust that I know my own limits by now. I mean I haven't done anything dramatic yet, why start now? She's also said that my support network is too small on several occasions, and she's right because I haven't got one, but she doesn't have to say it. It's rude to point that out to someone who is pointedly ignoring their self imposed isolation. I honestly don't think she'll last, not because she's bad at her job or pointing out things I don't particularly want to listen to, but because she's overly concerned without giving any actual feedback besides "you're so strong " and "that was abuse" which are both things I've already figured out, thank you. I need a level 2 therapist, not any of this level 1 bullshit. Just because I didn't take AP therapy doesn't mean I should get stuck with someone who's stuck on the basics. It's aggravating to have to re-do all the things I've already done by myself under supervision, talk through the thought patterns and everything, just to be told that I'm going to have to do it all again because apparently it only works when someone else guides it, because there is no trust in therapy.

I've been sleeping too much. Not on purpose but I turn off my alarm and go to get up and wake up at 1pm barely remembering turning off my alarm at 9. I think it's related to the pain bit.

I'm just generally a mess.

I need a hug, or some other physical affection. Hopefully I can get it from Charlie, the seemingly sweet brit. He seems nice enough to hug me, and knowing young men he's probably horny enough to make out with me at least. It's been nice to talk with him the last several days, I get the feeling it's all just enough to get some action though, which kinda sucks, but I'm certainly not the only girl in the area and I'm sure he could find better if he wanted to. I'm also sure he can figure out how to get whatever he's looking for if he tries hard enough. I'm probably depressed enough to let him.

#personal #i'm an idiot ignore me

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randomthoughtsgonewild · 7 years

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I'm back...

Hello.

I don’t really know how to start this if I’m honest.

It’s been a long while (yeah no shit dumb dumb *facepalms*) and well, things have happened. Some of big degree and some of little importance.

Current status?

I’m feeling shit.

Yes, you may leave. This will not be clean. But when I made this blog and when I titled the description, I meant what I said.

If you no like; bye bye stranger.

If you do but you ain’t into this type of honesty. See you later, mater.

…

So, where to begin…uh, I don’t have the best memory so I believe I shall start around Christmas time 2016.

Life was going semi-okay; school and personal problems were hassling but durable. But during that time I lost two of my mates; one of which I’m closer than the other. It was a whole group thing – we all decided to cast them away because of something they did (I would say what but due to its authenticity and specificity; I can’t take the risk of someone I know recognising it because frankly I’d rather have no-one I know in real life, knowing I am the owner of this blog— not because I’m ashamed; more so of the fact I am a very private person. Which is quite ironic considering I am quite open about everything and everyone— other than myself. But I digress.)

— and so my group casted them away and they were gone throughout the last term before Christmas break; it was hard because I lost my closest mate and my really good friend. But that was resolved quickly after the term and we’re all okay.

See? That wasn’t too bad aha.

Well, we haven’t got to 2017 yet and that’s when things start to go downhill…

So it’s the beginning of the new year and I guess you could say I was hoping for a much better year than 2K16. But when has Lady Luck EVER been on my side? Never. So, like the cow Lady Luck is; it brought me a ton of obstacles and hoops to jump through. To which I failed tremendously.

(I also forgot to add; Been alive for half a century, divided by 2 and subtracted by 10. Yay.)

In January; school had picked up and like the Army Officer it is, really started to tire me out. I was struggling with the work and the homework. It was a mess. It sounds fairly simple and in fact; I imagine many of you to be quite unimpressed by me because “kid, you don’t even know what tiredness is *rolls eyes*” — and you’re probably right, I do not. But you probably don’t know what it feels like to have to be up to the brim in GCSE coursework as well as revision because students love tests! (Wait–wait, maybe you do actually, okay well I had some mental stuff going on too so that counts?)

But again, I am straying off de topic. So anyways, Jan. Tiring. Made me very stressed. Stress is not good. Lotta spots for me, brother. I hate acne. Especially stressed-related ones. But. I. Digress. Again.

Which brings me to February; aww Feb. Poor, sweet, juvenile Feb. Always been a month that tends to fly by so quickly and probs the most boring – seriously though, what actually happens in Feb that is interesting? Nothing. That’s it. But, for me Feb; well Feb was an eye opener for sure. I’m not the type of person to beat around the bush for one thing so I’ll be out with it – quick'n'easy like a bandage.

I discovered two things; My mental state was way beyond fucked. Two? I’m not as strong as I thought I was.

And for me to have discovered this, well it was certainly big. You see my family is not the type of family to ask if ones okay and find the solution; we are more of the ‘ask if you’re okay but if you say anything out of the norm then forget it’ — we always have been. Well, at least I think we have. I’m not really close with my family, but I blame that on the stuff going up in my cranium.

So anyways, my head = not in a good state then (or now). Explanation? I don’t know.

In fact, I think it hasn’t been in a 'good state’ for a while. Possibly ever since the summer of '16 (and maybe before…?) which would mean whatever I’ve been manifesting is suddenly making itself known and to be honest the manifestation is quite large. I don’t know what I have to be frank; I don’t know if it’s depression or if it’s something else, in all honesty I feel kind of stupid for just assuming it’s 'depression’. I feel like that nowadays that word is tossed around so much it just feels stupid to say “I’m depressed” with anyone actually taking you seriously. Plus, I never thought I could be depressed or even in such a state of mind.

Which lead me to my epiphanic of uncovering the truth of my mental strength.

It isn’t that strong.

You see, I always thought for a long time in my life that I’m the type of person who doesn’t breakdown, who knows how to build themselves back up again if the going gets tough; the type of human who will never let themselves fall so far down the well of “depression” because I’m just not like that. Full stop.

But I realised in the second month of the year, that I’m none of that; I’m just extremely good at ACTING like I am. Like I am strong, like I can’t breakdown, like I can’t be “depressed”. I realised that I’m so used to being in this mind state that my head has adapted to feeling like this and since I have a slight fear of being mentally unwell; it simply taught me how to ACT like everything’s okay. When in fact…

Everything really isn’t fucking okay.

Now I could type here for ages and ages about my stresses, my worries, my problems etc etc but that would make this so long that it would be the equivalent of 3 Harry Potter books…aaaand since I’m not JKR and I don’t have that type of time; I’ll just summarise, summarise, summarise!

Here we go; so after my big discovery in Feb, it lead to all sorts of things — I started to become more aggressive and more sad; which led to more acting because even if I knew I had a mental health problem it still didn’t mean I wanted to get help or – god forbid ACTUALLY talk about it! So I started to distract myself; distractions, distractions, distractions = my best friend. The more I distracted myself, the more I (believed) had less time to dwell on my (rapidly becoming real) mental health illness. So I took up having some cigarettes from time to time because it made me feel calm and yes I know of the dangers but pocketing a couple of my dads cigarettes wasn’t going to kill me okay? Plus, I always told myself (still do now) to never buy my own pack because that for me would lead to an addiction. Amongst that; I did other things like lash out, do drugs (I DID THIS ONCE BTW) and just things that really weren’t good for me.

So with me doing all this and believing it would prolong my mental health illness awakening; I didn’t realise that instead of PROLONGING my MHI, I just kept feeding it. With all the things I did, they lead to consequences; every time I would smoke, I would feel bad– horrid even, the fear of becoming addicted lead to me feeling shameful (more for the MHI monster to eat), every time I would steal my dad’s wine bottle and drink it for myself, I would feel disappointed that I would stoop so low and thus gave the monster an even bigger meal and every time I tested my parents patience or acted kinda rude to my mates; it fed my monster STRESS because I would stress about what their reactions would be and ugh it was not good.

But here I am typing as if I overcame it all and everything is well again; for your information mi amiga; it ain’t. In fact I still am going through all this and frankly I’m tired. Exhausted. Fatigued. But knowing me and my coping methods; my brilliant acting skills will be back at it again for the next couple of months until I guess I break or something.

This whole text post sounds weird tbh; I don’t like how I’ve written it but it’s honest. And I have more to talk about as well but there just isn’t enough time in the day (or so I say) and besides; it gives me a good reason to post sooner.

However, regardless of all the bad; I have dipped a finger back into my pool of story writing and it’s been a good thing for me to say the least. Another distraction tbh but better than wallowing in my head and assuming the worst.

So yeah, that’s it. That’s all I’ve got. I would say more but the effort is too unreal. So this shall be a goodbye and goodnight.

- A

#been a while #big post #long reads #depression #actually I don't even know if it is #life #deep #young adult #oh dear #literally just using the wrong hashtags rn but oh well #christmas 2016 #2017

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