#so i assumed my fucking cells worked the same way LMAO. they still technically work like i can feel my energy spike when it kicks in

[puppyeared]

adhd is when you shoot for the moon but you forgot the rocket fuel and by the time you realize it everyones already on the moon and then you panic and crash into the sun and it explodes

#my meds stopped working and i didnt know thats something that can fucking happen apparently??? #like i knew eventually my body can get used to medicine that the effect kind of dulls but for some reason this time around i thought #that my body just decided to become lazier since the meds were already working anyway. cuz thats the thing as soon as smth is made #easier for me even if its the thing thats supposed to make the disability less disabling i get too relaxed and end up fucking up anyway #so i assumed my fucking cells worked the same way LMAO. they still technically work like i can feel my energy spike when it kicks in #but everything else like focus and memory went down and i thought oh so its just a me problem then. my habits are getting worse #even though ive been doing everything the same like setting reminders checking my schedule. hell ive been setting MORE reminders #to make up for the memory thing and i didnt even realize i just knew i had to compensate since it feels like my memory is getting #worse again. and i only figured this out bc my brother showed me an icecreamsandwich video with him talking about the EXACT FUCKING #THING IM GOING THRU WORD FOR WORD #i have to bring this up with my doctor next week so maybe i have to take different meds. i wonder if this will be a recurring thing #i guess one thing that hasnt changed is that im still slow as hell and stuff only comes to me 5 hours after the fact #its 6 in the morning and i only JUST realized that the word froyo is probably short for frozen yogurt #yapping #adhd

[sammyhale]

J2M SPN UK 2018 Panel

At the start of the J2M panel, they made Misha introduce J2 and Jensen is laughing at him lol. 

They gave Misha a short chair like at SDCC next to Jared (they changed it back right after lol). Jensen: “Ah, it’s the little things.” 

Misha “What’s your normal routine up here... do you guys do acrobatics?”

Jared explains to Misha that they play strip question on stage. If you get the question wrong, you have to take off an article of clothing. 

Jared: “I guess my dream job has always been no job... but I would have liked to have been a teacher!” Jensen to Jared: “I learn from you daily, you are a teacher!” Jared put his head on Jensen’s shoulder :)

Jensen: “Sometimes I feel like the right answer would be a Chippendales dancer!”

Misha: “I thought I was gonna be a politician when I grew up!” 

Wrong answer: Misha strips off his jacket lol. 

Jared: “Jet lag has not been nice to Mr. Misha.” 

Jensen earlier about J2M trio op: “We’re doing a crossover. Jensen, Jared & Gollum.” Jared to Misha: “Had I known you looked like this, I wouldn’t have taken a shower.”

Jensen: “There’s another crossover photo later. Supernatural and The Walking Dead.”

J2M just got offered food and now they're totally fighting over those gummy bears.

Jared nudging Misha to grab gummy bears from a fan: “Misha, Scooby dooby doo!”

Mishalecki are fighting over Misha’s jacket

Jensen: “Jared keeps translating English to English, but he breaks it up and it’s actually worse!”

Jared got the question wrong so he strips and now Jared’s jacket is off!

Jensen would consider a Supernatural tattoo after the show ends because it’s a huge part of his life. 

Jensen and Jared both say they would consider getting an SPN tattoo after the show ends.

Jensen took a picture of Jared stripping. 

Misha: I wish I’d worn my good socks today. Jared: I’m surprised you have socks on! Jensen, cracking up: Things are looking up Mish, you left the house with socks on!

J2M trying to stump the fans to get the audience to strip.

Fan asks if when Dean and Cas do intense stares if it’s written in the script. Jensen says yes, that in the script it’ll be like a serious moment and then it will say “eye f-u-c-k.” They explain that in general all staring scenes between characters are written like that lol. They say that there’ll be a scene where everyone is eye-fucking. They mention another example in a recent episode between Rich and a female character (I’m assuming the Gabriel and Rowena scene from the last ep lol). 

If they could go back & further explore a storyline? Jensen: Demon Dean & purgatory. Jared: Soulless Sam and Sully. Misha: Human Cas & a new storyline with “cool Cas.”  

Misha’s sock is off. 

Misha: “I’m wearing one shoe and no sock... this is starting to feel like a walk of shame right now!”

Jensen on his cell phone contact that’s famous and is not from SPN is Corey Taylor. Jared’s is JJ from Kaleo, and Misha’s is the Queen lol.  

Misha is happy about his two degrees of separation to Neil Gaiman on Twitter through Kim.

Fan: If your character could swap character arcs who would you swap with? Jared: You know what, I’m gonna say it. I wouldn’t fuckin’ change it. “Sam’s my boy, I wouldn’t change anything.” 

Jensen would have swapped with the storyline with Gabriel when he went to Monaco. Jared whispers in Jensen’s ear. Jensen: or Monte Carlo. Jensen loses his overshirt lol.

Misha: I'm hard on Cas. Jared: Woah!!

Jensen Iced Misha (for those who don’t know, Icing someone means the person has to drink a little bottle of Smirnoff Ice - brand of vodka - while kneeling down on one knee lol).  

Misha refuses to drink it on stage so he goes backstage and Jared follows, giving a play by play of Misha drinking the Smirnoff with plenty of innuendos, cracking Jensen up who stayed on stage. 

Misha: “I'm not agreeing to a trio panel again!” 

Fan asks if after seeing Jack use his powers without being evil, do you think it’s changed Sam’s perception of his own powers? Jared says that Sam took Jack under his wing and so far, he thinks it’s been successful that Jack hasn’t turned evil and feels reassured about his own. 

Jared took his shoe off. “There, I lost my shoe.”

Jared: “When you sweat in the snow you get used to sweat proof socks!”

Asked about important changes SPN gave them. Jared: I met the mother of my children on the show and a couple of my best friends! Jensen *points to self* Jared nods and puts his head on Jensen’s shoulder and Jensen touches his head <3 

Jensen says he has a lot of relationships now and the show made it so he can live and raise a family where he wants. 

Misha: Having families. The only reason why my wife has sex with me is because I’m on the show lmao. 

Fan asks about the boys going on a hunt in Amsterdam. Jared says he wants to go to Anne Frank’s house and dig up some Nazi ghosts and kill them! Jensen: I killed Hitler. 

Jensen says that in Amsterdam Dean would get lost in the red light district, Cas would be stoned in a cafe somewhere, and Sam would be on an architectural tour.

Misha gets called out on his old answer last year & has to take off his belt.

Fan: I have ten princess dresses. Jared, pointing at Jensen: So does he!

Jared: Come on Misha get it right. I don’t want to see you naked. Again. Jensen: Today.   

Who would you meet and pay an autograph for? Jared: I paid for Richard Kiel’s autograph. Jensen: Robert Plant. Misha: Bob Garfield. Jared also mentions that he would have loved to meet Carrie Fisher. 

Fan: I’ve been watching you since I was two. I’m 16 now. J2M are devastated lol. 

Fan: So in your group, is there a mother hen figure who stops you from getting into trouble? J2M in unison: NOPE. Jensen: “The problem is, we don’t have one!”

Jared: "You know when they say the inmates are running the asylum? That's us." 

Jared: “I still find a freedom and a source of creativity in what I do.” Jared says you get to learn from the characters you play and the people you work with.  

Jared doesn’t care if he never wins an Oscar. He’s motivated by love in the craft of acting. “I know y’all love me and I love y’all back legitimately and I don’t care if I don’t get an Oscar or if I’m on a billboard or anything.” 

Jared: When they call “action” I’m free. I still find a freedom of expression in what I do, that’s why I keep doing it. Jared said he’s not an A-list actor. Jensen: I know you. 

Jensen says to learn as much about the technical aspect of filming as you can. He also viewed every audition as a final performance because it helped him deal with rejection. 

Fan: Sorry I’m really nervous. Jared: Don’t be nervous, you’re surrounded by family. 

Jared is removing Misha’s boot when Misha refuses to answer a question about his favorite trenchcoat lol. 

Misha talks about how Jensen gave him some hand-me-down shirts that Jensen wore a lot at cons. Jensen says it happened because he was mortified when a fan called him out on wearing the same shirt twice at a couple of different cons. So he asked Misha if he wanted any of his shirts. 

Misha said it apparently got fans talking and Jared yells in a high-pitched voice: They slept together! Jared says he wants to see “who wore it better memes” of Jensen and Misha wearing the same clothes. 

J2 talk about how Jensen shared underwear with Jared at a con before. Jensen: Where were we? Seattle. Jared: Yeah. Jensen: Did you just not have enough? Jared: Yeah... another time (to tell the story lol). Jensen to the audience: I’m sure you can figure it out! Jensen: Look, I care, I want to make sure my boys are covered! Jared: They say some people give you the shirt off their back, some people give you the *** off their ***. Jensen: The chocolate gonch. Jared whispers and laughs and Jensen falls over. 

Jared likes Sam’s red flannel. Maybe because his marker is red, or it makes up 60% of his name :P 

Jared: “I think Sam has a fondness for his red flannels!”

Jensen likes his grey flannel. 

Jensen removes his belt lol.  

Richard Ices J2. They both take a knee and drink on stage. 

Rich to Jared: “You know, you saying you’re gonna screw with us is like saying the sun rose!”

Richard apparently turned the lights off on Jensen in the bathroom earlier. When Rich left and Jensen wasn’t done lol. 

The guys are all surrounding the poor last question girl and teasing her with the mics. Boys are cracking up. 

Jared hopes s14 isn’t the last. Still feels they should go out in a blaze of glory. Jensen’s had several variations of how the show might end and none of them know how it’s going to end. Misha: Cas is gonna sacrifice himself somehow.

Jensen had a dream about the end of the show and when he shared it with Jared and Misha they both teared up. 

Jensen has told that dream many times where he’s lost his brother, he’s done with the hunting life and he doesn’t want Baby anymore because he doesn’t have Sam, so he drives off on a stranger’s motorcycle. Audience: NOOOO. Jensen: You can’t control my dreams!

J2M putting their random clothing items back on. Jared helps with Misha’s shoe lol. 

At some point earlier in the panel Misha leaned on Jared’s shoulder right in his face and Jared was just like “Hi!” :) 

Jared Iced Rob. Jensen tries to Ice Richard, but Richard jumps out of the way successfully.

Panel ends with the usual J2 fist bumps!  

Info via: Maisie, Jenn, Kelli, Bubbs, Natasha, Stevie, Sil’s livetweet list

#jared padalecki #jensen ackles #misha collins #spnuk #ukcon #panel sum #long post #j2m #shpost

[apple-pie-totally-worth-it]

J2M SPN UK 2018 Panel

At the start of the J2M panel, they made Misha introduce J2 and Jensen is laughing at him lol.

They gave Misha a short chair like at SDCC next to Jared (they changed it back right after lol). Jensen: “Ah, it’s the little things.”

Misha “What’s your normal routine up here… do you guys do acrobatics?”

Jared explains to Misha that they play strip question on stage. If you get the question wrong, you have to take off an article of clothing.

Jared: “I guess my dream job has always been no job… but I would have liked to have been a teacher!” Jensen to Jared: “I learn from you daily, you are a teacher!” Jared put his head on Jensen’s shoulder :)

Jensen: “Sometimes I feel like the right answer would be a Chippendales dancer!”

Misha: “I thought I was gonna be a politician when I grew up!”

Wrong answer: Misha strips off his jacket lol.

Jared: “Jet lag has not been nice to Mr. Misha.”

Jensen earlier about J2M trio op: “We’re doing a crossover. Jensen, Jared & Gollum.” Jared to Misha: “Had I known you looked like this, I wouldn’t have taken a shower.”

Jensen: “There’s another crossover photo later. Supernatural and The Walking Dead.”

J2M just got offered food and now they’re totally fighting over those gummy bears.

Jared nudging Misha to grab gummy bears from a fan: “Misha, Scooby dooby doo!”

Mishalecki are fighting over Misha’s jacket

Jensen: “Jared keeps translating English to English, but he breaks it up and it’s actually worse!”

Jared got the question wrong so he strips and now Jared’s jacket is off!

Jensen would consider a Supernatural tattoo after the show ends because it’s a huge part of his life.

Jensen and Jared both say they would consider getting an SPN tattoo after the show ends.

Jensen took a picture of Jared stripping.

Misha: I wish I’d worn my good socks today. Jared: I’m surprised you have socks on! Jensen, cracking up: Things are looking up Mish, you left the house with socks on!

J2M trying to stump the fans to get the audience to strip.

Fan asks if when Dean and Cas do intense stares if it’s written in the script. Jensen says yes, that in the script it’ll be like a serious moment and then it will say “eye f-u-c-k.” They explain that in general all staring scenes between characters are written like that lol. They say that there’ll be a scene where everyone is eye-fucking. They mention another example in a recent episode between Rich and a female character (I’m assuming the Gabriel and Rowena scene from the last ep lol).

If they could go back & further explore a storyline? Jensen: Demon Dean & purgatory. Jared: Soulless Sam and Sully. Misha: Human Cas & a new storyline with “cool Cas.”  

Misha’s sock is off.

Misha: “I’m wearing one shoe and no sock… this is starting to feel like a walk of shame right now!”

Jensen on his cell phone contact that’s famous and is not from SPN is Corey Taylor. Jared’s is JJ from Kaleo, and Misha’s is the Queen lol.  

Misha is happy about his two degrees of separation to Neil Gaiman on Twitter through Kim.

Fan: If your character could swap character arcs who would you swap with? Jared: You know what, I’m gonna say it. I wouldn’t fuckin’ change it. “Sam’s my boy, I wouldn’t change anything.”

Jensen would have swapped with the storyline with Gabriel when he went to Monaco. Jared whispers in Jensen’s ear. Jensen: or Monte Carlo. Jensen loses his overshirt lol.

Misha: I’m hard on Cas. Jared: Woah!!

Jensen Iced Misha (for those who don’t know, Icing someone means the person has to drink a little bottle of Smirnoff Ice - a brand of vodka - while kneeling down on one knee lol).  

Misha refuses to drink it on stage so he goes backstage and Jared follows, giving a play by play of Misha drinking the Smirnoff with plenty of innuendos, cracking Jensen up who stayed on stage.

Misha: “I’m not agreeing to a trio panel again!”

Fan asks if after seeing Jack use his powers without being evil, do you think it’s changed Sam’s perception of his own powers? Jared says that Sam took Jack under his wing and so far, he thinks it’s been successful that Jack hasn’t turned evil and feels reassured about his own.

Jared took his shoe off. “There, I lost my shoe.”

Jared: “When you sweat in the snow you get used to sweat proof socks!”

Asked about important changes SPN gave them. Jared: I met the mother of my children on the show and a couple of my best friends! Jensen *points to self* Jared nods and puts his head on Jensen’s shoulder and Jensen touches his head <3

Jensen says he has a lot of relationships now and the show made it so he can live and raise a family where he wants.

Misha: Having families. The only reason why my wife has sex with me is that I’m on the show lmao.

Fan asks about the boys going on a hunt in Amsterdam. Jared says he wants to go to Anne Frank’s house and dig up some Nazi ghosts and kill them! Jensen: I killed Hitler.

Jensen says that in Amsterdam Dean would get lost in the red light district, Cas would be stoned in a cafe somewhere, and Sam would be on an architectural tour.

Misha gets called out on his old answer last year & has to take off his belt.

Fan: I have ten princess dresses. Jared, pointing at Jensen: So does he!

Jared: Come on Misha get it right. I don’t want to see you naked. Again. Jensen: Today.    

Who would you meet and pay an autograph for? Jared: I paid for Richard Kiel’s autograph. Jensen: Robert Plant. Misha: Bob Garfield. Jared also mentions that he would have loved to meet Carrie Fisher.

Fan: I’ve been watching you since I was two. I’m 16 now. J2M are devastated lol.

Fan: So in your group, is there a mother hen figure who stops you from getting into trouble? J2M in unison: NOPE. Jensen: “The problem is, we don’t have one!”

Jared: “You know when they say the inmates are running the asylum? That’s us."

Jared: “I still find a freedom and a source of creativity in what I do.” Jared says you get to learn from the characters you play and the people you work with.  

Jared doesn’t care if he never wins an Oscar. He’s motivated by love in the craft of acting. “I know y’all love me and I love y’all back legitimately and I don’t care if I don’t get an Oscar or if I’m on a billboard or anything.”

Jared: When they call “action” I’m free. I still find a freedom of expression in what I do, that’s why I keep doing it. Jared said he’s not an A-list actor. Jensen: I know you.

Jensen says to learn as much about the technical aspect of filming as you can. He also viewed every audition as a final performance because it helped him deal with rejection.

Fan: Sorry I’m really nervous. Jared: Don’t be nervous, you’re surrounded by family.

Jared is removing Misha’s boot when Misha refuses to answer a question about his favorite trenchcoat lol.

Misha talks about how Jensen gave him some hand-me-down shirts that Jensen wore a lot at cons. Jensen says it happened because he was mortified when a fan called him out on wearing the same shirt twice at a couple of different cons. So he asked Misha if he wanted any of his shirts.

Misha said it apparently got fans talking and Jared yells in a high-pitched voice: They slept together! Jared says he wants to see “who wore it better memes” of Jensen and Misha wearing the same clothes.

J2 talk about how Jensen shared underwear with Jared at a con before. Jensen: Where were we? Seattle. Jared: Yeah. Jensen: Did you just not have enough? Jared: Yeah… another time (to tell the story lol). Jensen to the audience: I’m sure you can figure it out! Jensen: Look, I care, I want to make sure my boys are covered! Jared: They say some people give you the shirt off their back, some people give you the *** off their ***. Jensen: The chocolate gonch. Jared whispers and laughs and Jensen falls over.

Jared likes Sam’s red flannel. Maybe because his marker is red, or it makes up 60% of his name :P

Jared: “I think Sam has a fondness for his red flannels!”

Jensen likes his grey flannel.

Jensen removes his belt lol.  

Richard Ices J2. They both take a knee and drink on stage.

Rich to Jared: “You know, you saying you’re gonna screw with us is like saying the sun rose!”

Richard apparently turned the lights off on Jensen in the bathroom earlier. When Rich left and Jensen wasn’t done lol.

The guys are all surrounding the poor last question girl and teasing her with the mics. Boys are cracking up.

Jared hopes s14 isn’t the last. Still feels they should go out in a blaze of glory. Jensen’s had several variations of how the show might end and none of them know how it’s going to end. Misha: Cas is gonna sacrifice himself somehow.

Jensen had a dream about the end of the show and when he shared it with Jared and Misha they both teared up.

Jensen has told that dream many times where he’s lost his brother, he’s done with the hunting life and he doesn’t want Baby anymore because he doesn’t have Sam, so he drives off on a stranger’s motorcycle. Audience: NOOOO. Jensen: You can’t control my dreams!

J2M putting their random clothing items back on. Jared helps with Misha’s shoe lol.

At some point earlier in the panel Misha leaned on Jared’s shoulder right in his face and Jared was just like “Hi!” :)

Jared Iced Rob. Jensen tries to Ice Richard, but Richard jumps out of the way successfully.

Panel ends with the usual J2 fist bumps!  

#Supernatural #spn convention #Jensen #Jensen Ackles #Jared #Jared Padalecki #Misha #Misha Collins #J2M SPN UK

[preservationandruin]

Words of Radiance Part Four Part Two

Alright, let’s keep this moving!

Kaladin Is Still In Prison, Adolin Was Also In Prison, Kaladin gets out of prison and makes a bad decision, I yell at Amaram a lot, Wit also yells at Amaram, Dalinar’s visions are leaked to the public, Shallan and Kaladin go on a Chasms Road Trip, Shallan remembers a fateful day, I yell at Amaram more, and Dalinar is ready for his big trip. 

WARNING: Shallan’s flashback includes physical and emotional abuse, as well as attempted and successful murder. 

Kaladin is still in prison. He’s noting that his thoughts are starting to distort the truth--again, That Mentally Ill Feel. He knows Dalinar will get him out, he believes Dalinar will get him out--but his mind twists it until he starts thinking Dalinar might have lied. He also starts beating himself up for being a bad guard, despite having gone toe-to-toe with the Assassin in White and lived, driving him off. 

He thinks bridge four is happy to be rid of him oh my god that is the most painful sentence I have ever read. 

Fortunately, he’s being let out. He promises that nobody will ever do this to him again, regardless of station. Aaaaaaand he runs into Adolin. Who is also in a cell. Because of course. And not only did Adolin lock himself up, he ordered that Bridge Four be there when Kaladin was released. 

Adolin Kholin is a good man. 

“Didn’t seem right, you in here,” Adolin said, eyes forward.  “I ruined your chance to duel Sadeas.”  “I’d be crippled or dead without you,” Adolin said. “So I wouldn’t have had the chance to fight Sadeas anyway.” The prince stopped in the hallway and looked at Kaladin. “Besides. You saved Renarin.”  “It’s my job,” Kaladin said. “Then we need to pay you more, bridgeboy. Because I don’t know if I’ve ever met another man who would jump, unarmored, into a fight among six Shardbearers.” 

And then they start bonding over Kaladin being incredulous about Adolin’s cologne and Adolin being mock-offended and even making fun of himself, and Adolin apologizing for ruining the plan, and Adolin pointing out that technically, Elhokar ruined it. 

Adolin also wholeheartedly believes Kaladin about Amaram--points out that you never hear about Amaram doing anything wrong, whereas even Dalinar--the best man Adolin knows--makes mistakes, loses his temper, and has a checkered history. Amaram doesn’t, which is pretty fucking suspicious. 

Yet again, Adolin’s intuition is scarily sharp. Right about Sadeas, right about Kaladin, right about Amaram. If he actually puts some more work into it, he could get really good at reading people. 

I love Adolin Kholin so much as a character like yeah, he can be a fuckup, but he is a genuinely good person. 

Also Bridge Four in unison salutes the moment that they see Kaladin and then just start cheering. Renarin is there in uniform, stimming but cheerfully talking with Adolin; Rock makes fun of Kaladin’s new beard. 

BRIDGE FOUR IS BACK TOGETHER. 

Also Adolin now apparently owns two shardblades and three sets of plate, the Kholin family owns a quarter of the Shards in all of Alethkar (actually more if Shallan marries into the family and I also know they’re not counting Jasnah, even though Ivory can become a Shardblade) and also Adolin is dueling champion now, as well he should be. 

And Adolin offers the plate to Kaladin...who gives them to Moash. Kaladin is purposely testing Adolin and actually flinches as Adolin grabs his shoulder--to ask if he’s sure. 

Because Adolin, unlike Amaram, is ACTUALLY A DECENT FUCKING HUMAN BEING. Kaladin also makes the cryptic comment that he’d be more useful against the Assassin in White without Shards. 

Moash’s new shard has a heliodor in the pommel, as a note. I wonder if that’s why his eyes go tan--is it just a lightening of the original color of the person’s eyes, or is it correspondant to the color of the stone powering the Blade? Kaladin’s eyes going blue near the end there imply it’s the power of the Blade making the eyes turn, so it probably corresponds to color? Although that doesn’t answer for why Lighteyes’ eyes don’t change. 

Rambling aside, Rock decides this shardplate shit is taking way too long and that they should be having a party. GREAT CAPTAIN KALADIN, STORMBLESSED AND DWELLER IN PRISONS, YOU WILL EAT MY STEW NOW. 

God I love Bridge Four. 

Also they were debating whether or not to break Kaladin out I fucking love them so much. my BOYS. Also they’re all willing to kick the shit out of Amaram. Same. Absolute Same. 

Aaaand Kaladin says that Moash’s friends are right about Elhokar. KAL NO. 

Over to Dalinar. Dalinar also basically says Kaladin reminds him of him when he was younger--although I have to note that Kaladin had a more level head. Also Navani is being an Engineer and Dalinar is trying to follow along. Mixed success. Also, Navani has figured out that the gemstones in Shards are not what originally powered them. 

Navani is still mourning Jasnah. “What happened to my little girl, so full of questions?” Ouch. 

Navani Deserves Better. 

Also we get another implication that Navani didn’t really care for Gavilar. Something was up with their marriage. 

Anyway, Dalinar’s trying to convince people to join his attempt to do a massive attack against the Parshendi. He’s noted that the Parshendi have stopped trying to go after gemhearts--which would be because their tactics have drastically shifted in a way that the Alethi cannot possibly be prepared for.

Also, Wit’s back. And Sadeas is purposely undermining Dalinar because he’s a shithead. I fucking hate Sadeas. 

“You always assume it’s me,” Sadeas said.  “That’s because any time I think it isn’t you, I’m wrong.” 

Yeah, Sadeas, Dalinar isn’t going to be that easy to fool this time. Easy to stymie, though, because for all Dalinar’s skills he is shit at political intrigue.

AND SPEAKING OF PEOPLE I FUCKING HATE, AMARAM IS HERE!

“Why, Brightlord Amaram!” Wit cried. “I was hoping I’d be able to see you tonight. I’ve spent my life learning to make others feel miserable, and so it’s a true joy to meet someone so innately talented in that very skill as you are.”  [...] “Do I know you?” Amaram asked.  “No,” Wit said lightly, “but fortunately, you can add it to the list of many, many things of which you are ignorant.”  “But now I’ve met you,” Amaram said, holding out a hand. “So the list is one smaller.”  “Please,” Wit said, refusing the hand. “I wouldn’t want it to rub off on me.”  “It?”  “Whatever you’ve been using to make your hands look clean, Brightlord Amaram. It must be powerful stuff indeed.”  Dalinar hurried over.

THIS EXCHANGE ADDS FIVE YEARS TO MY LIFESPAN, CLEARS MY SKIN, CURES MY ANXIETY, AND REPLENISHES MY BANK ACCOUNT WIT DRAGGING AMARAM IS EVERYTHING I LOVE IN THIS WORLD.

Also how he fucking precision-hits things that Amaram would be insecure about--his knowledge, where we know he thinks he knows fucking everything and has an inflated sense of his own importance, and his image, where Wit is basically like bitch I see you and I know you’re fake as hell. 

And then Dalinar runs over to do damage control because he can’t have Amaram getting too suspicious yet, I imagine. Throughout the whole conversation, Wit keeps dissing Amaram and I remain the most alive I have been in months. 

“I mean, I wouldn’t want to call Amaram an imbecile...because then I’d have to explain to him what the word means, and I’m not certain any of us have the requisite time.” 

I know it’s petty but I’m petty and thus I take great joy in all of this. 

“Lord Amaram,” Wit called, standing to bow, his voice growing solemn. “I salute you. You are what lesser cretins like Sadeas can only aspire to be.” 

That one still gets me because it’s not even a jibe or a joke. It’s just a statement of fact and you can tell that Wit is dead-serious with that. Amaram also is like “lmao Dalinar I understand your visions better than you! The Almighty isn’t actually dead!!111!! he’s talking in metaphors u dingus!!11!!!!!!” 

Shut the fuck up Amaram, you know jack shit about Honor, don’t talk like you know Honor better than Dalinar. That’s just fucking laughable. 

He also refers to Kaladin only as “the slave.” And says he’d like to hear an apology from Kaladin. “Not for my own ego” Bull. Shit. 

Fucking asshole. 

Also Navani bitchslaps Wit with a handful of papers, and is furious that they edited the papers to make it seem like Navani is ridiculing Dalinar. She’s also ready to eviscerate whoever did this. RIP whoever the fuck leaked this. 

“As I fear not a child with a weapon he cannot lift, I will never fear the mind of a man who does not think.” 

Yeah it’s from the Way of Kings but in context it’s a sick-ass burn. 

So Dalinar just stands on a fucking table and is like “yeah these are the visions I’ve been having, come at me, you already made me a spectacle so honestly fuck you guys for thinking i’d actually be upset by this bullshit.” 

“If you must laugh, do it while looking me in the eyes.” 

Fuck yeah you tell ‘em dad. 

Also, Dalinar notes that Adolin seems very fond of Shallan, and Dalinar wants to encourage that--as long as he can get actual answers out of Jah Keved about her family. Which he won’t be able to because Jah Keved is a fucking mess. 

Dalinar asks if Wit is a Herald--he’s amused, but says no, and also denies being a Radiant. And we get Wit’s chilling line-- “If I have to watch this world crumble and burn to get what I need, I will do so. With tears, yes, but I would let it happen.” 

Also Wit basically says that he has to stop Odium from finding him in order to not die, basically. I still wonder about that WOB that says that Hoid and Rayse were once friends. That seems...quite interesting. 

Over to Kaladin. He’s still having problems inhaling Stormlight--he’s killing Syl, and with her the Nahel bond that gives him his powers. Kaladin you dingus. Syl is acting like a windspren again. 

“You want too much of me,” he snapped at her as he reached the other side of the chasm. “I’m not some glorious knight of ancient days. I’m a broken man. Do you hear me, Syl? I’m broken.”  She zipped up to him and whispered, “That’s what they all were, silly.” 

Bridge Four is still bringing their bridge on this scouting expedition, because Kaladin is a paranoid fuck (for good reason). Rock says that it’s gotten lighter because they defeated Sadeas. Nobody else understands him. 

Also, Renarin is starting to fit in with Bridge Four and joke around with them--and also that he hasn’t summoned his shardblade since the fight. 

For good reason, although neither Kaladin nor Dalinar knows that. Also, this: 

“Sir,” Kaladin said. “If I may say so, your son seems like kind of a misfit. Out of place. Awkward, alone.”  Dalinar nodded.  “Then, I can say with confidence that Bridge Four is probably the best place he could find himself.” 

I LOVE KALADIN’S RAGTAG BAND OF WEIRD MISFITS AND THAT THEY’RE ACCEPTING RENARIN AS ONE OF THEM. 

Also Adolin is now just occasionally making casual conversation with Kaladin. Kaladin also realizes that he’s made two conflicting oaths, and that’s why his powers are going away and Syl is losing sentience. She tells him to find the words, and soon. 

Shallan is geeking out over the bridge. Kaladin notices that he recognizes one of the carpenters, and is confused by it. Moash has stopped coming over for stew nights as often. 

Ouch. 

Kaladin points out that the plains are the worst place for Szeth to attack them, because they have three hundred archers with them and he just sorta. Flies. in the air. 

Adolin asks Kaladin for girl advice. Kaladin is like. my dude. you are asking the wrong person. Too busy trying not to die to date really. Kaladin is just like dude just tell her you really want this relationship to work also why the fuck are you asking me this. 

Also Adolin trying to be nonchalant about getting information about Kaladin. 

“You won’t have a Shardblade, but won’t need one, because of...you know.”  “I know?” Kaladin felt a spike of alarm.  “Yeah...you know.” Adolin glanced away and shrugged, as if trying to act nonchalant. “That thing.”  “What thing?”  “That thing...with the...um, stuff?” 

Kaladin actually manages to smile at how shitty Adolin is at this and just says “I don’t think you have any idea what you’re talking about” which is completely true. 

Also the conversation about how Adolin would pay to see Kaladin happy. That conversation is still lowkey gay and nobody can convince me otherwise. 

Neither of them get why Shallan is so excited about stuff like moss. And bugs. Adolin is trying to make jokes. Badly. 

“You’re good at military thinking, for a bridgeboy,” Adolin said. “Coincidentally,” Kaladin said, “you’re good at not being unobnoxious, for a prince.”  “Thanks,” Adolin said. “That was an insult, dear,” Shallan said. 

God I love all of these losers. 

Anyway, Shallan and Kaladin aren’t getting along well at all. High time for a bonding friendship trip into the caverns!!!! Kaladin notices, just at the right moment, that the man he recognized with the carpenters was one of Sadeas’ lumbermen. Of course, everything happens at once, and the bridge collapses--and down go Kaladin and Shallan. 

And Syl uses the last of their bond to save Kaladin. And the Stormfather fucking yells at him for killing Syl. Both Shallan and Kaladin assume they subconsciously saved the other. 

And so they try to survive. And also not kill each other. Kaladin points out that Shallan is complicit in the class inequality--which she really is, I mean, look at the boots scene--and Shallan responds with something like “oh wow big surprise people with power are abusive” which makes sense given her background but also is not the right response. 

He also does directly use the boots scene as proof she is complicit, which she admits. He also does say she’s better than most of the others. 

Aaaand then their shouting match attracts a chasmfiend and they have to bolt. BRILLIANT, GUYS. 

Also Kaladin notices that Shallan is incredibly unwinded from all this running--wow, I wonder if she’s infusing stormlight on instinct (the answer is yes). Shallan also uses her abilities to hide them and goes to try to see the chasmfiend. Kaladin notes that they look “wrong” and “almost intelligent;” Shallan notes that the spren that follow them also follow skyeels. 

I just had a bad thought. If Parshendi change when the everstorm comes, could the chasmfiends change too? If so, what the FUCK do they turn into? 

I hope I’m wrong. 

Shallan also calls Kaladin “Kaladin Longlegs.” Also she tries to throw some chull jerky at him when he’s not looking and he just catches it. 

Listen, when these two become friends, they will be the Best Sassfriends. 

And yeah, they have a sass contest, which actually amuses both of them. They’re good at it. 

God, I hope they end up as friends instead of part of some unholy twisted love triangle scenario. I fucking hate love triangles and i feel like it would only serve to drive everyone involved apart--which is awful, because I like having two male leads (Adolin and Kaladin) who actually get along half of the fucking time, and robbing me of that is just not fair, Brandon. 

Another powerfully sad moment of miscommunication: 

“All right,” Kaladin said. “Here it is. I can imagine how the world must appear to someone like you. Growing up pampered, with everything you want. To someone like you, life is wonderful and sunny and worth laughing over. That’s not your fault, and I shouldn’t blame you. You haven’t had to deal with pain or death like I have. Sorrow is not your companion.”  Silence. Shallan didn’t reply. How could she reply to that?  “What?” Kaladin finally asked.  “I’m trying to decide how to react,” Shallan said. “You see, you just said something very, very funny.”  “Then why aren’t you laughing?”  “Well, it isn’t that kind of funny.” 

They both understand so little about each other. They are seeing what they expect to see and not what’s underneath--which is two deeply broken people trying to move forward with their lives as best they can. 

Bridge Four is trying to figure out how Kaladin could have survived--Sigzil is grilling Teft about what he knows about the Radiants. Dalinar is trying to convince them not to keep watch for Kaladin, but good fucking luck with that. They’re Bridge Four. They know their captain. Dalinar is just like. You guys make sure you’re actually eating, right? 

He’s such a Dad. 

Anyway, Shallan is making a map, and Kaladin realizes how incredible her skill with drawing and memory is. Also, Shallan is talking to Pattern--and Kaladin realizes it’s like him talking to Syl. 

And Kaladin says that in a dream, he saw that the chasms were symmetrical--and Shallan realizes she can figure out where the parshendi are, and where the oathgate is. 

Shallan tries to point out that Kaladin can’t blame himself about everything. Kaladin immediately proves her wrong. And there’s another heartbreaking moment, this time of connection. 

“Oh, all people understand pain,” Kaladin said. “That’s not what I’m talking about. It’s...”  “The sorrow,” Shallan said softly, “of watching a life crumble? Of struggling to grab it and hold on, but feeling hope become stringy sinew and blood beneath your fingers as everything collapses?”  “Yes.”  “The sensation--it’s not sorrow, but something deeper--of being broken. Of being crushed so often, and so hatefully, that emotion becomes something you can only wish for. If only you could cry, because then you’d feel something. Instead, you feel nothing. Just...haze and smoke inside. Like you’re already dead.” He stopped in the chasm. She turned and looked to him. “The crushing guilt,” She said, “of being powerless. Of wishing they’d hurt you instead of those around you. Of screaming and scrambling and hating as those you love are ruined, popped like a boil. And you have to watch their joy seeping away while you can’t do anything. They break the ones you love, and not you. And you plead. Can’t you just beat me instead?”  “Yes, he whispered. Shallan nodded, holding his eyes. “Yes. It would be nice if nobody knew of those things, Kaladin Stormblessed. I agree. With everything I have.” 

God, that section rips my heart out. Shallan represses it, Kaladin has PTSD (well, they both probably do) and they both just wish they could have helped other people. 

These are good kids. 

And immediately they just start joking with each other. Aaand then the puns happen. And then a chasmfiend happens, and they get chased into a fissure. Kaladin wants to go chase it off so that they both can live, and Shallan panics at the thought of being left alone. And so she gives him her shardblade. 

Kaladin is like what the fuck. 

Also, the blade--which is Pattern--actually glows a garnet color. That’s because it’s alive. Also, it doesn’t scream--which Kaladin attributes to him having lost his bond with Syl, but that’s not right. And Kaladin also assumes two things in one sentence: 

“At least this told him one thing--Shallan wasn’t likely to be a Surgebinder. Otherwise, he suspected she’d hate this Blade as much as he did.” 

First, she is a Surgebinder.

Second, she does hate that Blade. 

Anyway, working together--with Pattern, Shallan’s illusions,and Kaladin’s fighting prowess--they kill a Chasmfiend. Also Kaladin’s leg gets Fucked Up. 

Kaladin ends up half in a chasmfiend’s mouth and the first thing he says is fucking ow. 

Anyway, they use the Blade to cut out a cubbyhole to weather the storm in. Shallan is having to train her mind not to blank at the mention or thought of the Shardblade--and she also can make it shrink. 

That’s not normal. 

Anyway, as Kaladin climbs into the cubbyhole and the stormwall hits, we get a Shallan flashback. She’s wearing her father’s necklace and a nice Vorin-style dress, and reporting that nobody has been able to find Helaran. 

For some reason, their father summoned Eylita to their house. This has got to be it--this is when Shallan kills her father to save Balat. Shallan finds Malise’s dead body--Father found out about the plan, sent for Eylita, and then murdered his own wife as a punishment. 

Shallan pours wine as her brother and father fight each other. This says a lot about how utterly Shallan had managed to subsume herself in other personas--she is outwardly calm even with this, with having seen a dead body of her own stepmother, with her brother and father trying to kill each other. 

And she pours wine and gives it to him. He drinks it, and then reaches for the poker--and severely injures Balat by slamming against his leg as Shalan screams. 

And as the rain pounds outside, her father starts to lose control of his fine motor skills. Shallan is cold--it’s her when she’s at rock-bottom. When she lost her mother, now, when she kills Tyn--when Shallan is at rock-bottom she is a stone-cold killer. 

Which is good, because it keeps her brothers and herself alive. 

But the poison only paralyzed him, and so--Shallan asks her brothers to finish the job, but none of them can. Jushu and Wikim back up. Balat isn’t conscious. So Shallan strangles him with the necklace he gave her, while singing the lullaby that he sung to her. 

Fuck, this scene is chilling and horrible. Shallan had to do it--her father would have murdered them all, one day, and probably only avoided her because he knew that she had a Shardblade and was scared--but god, that’s so brutal. 

Back to Kaladin. He gets in the cavern as Shallan uses her sphere to pull him up; they both see what looks like a screaming face in the storm. Kaladin sees something that looks like a giant, inhuman form glowing in the storm, completely alien, striding in it. 

Cool.

Anyway, Kaladin tells her his story--everything, including Amaram. Why not? They were about to die anyway. And she tells him that she killed her father, and about her own breaking; Kaladin realizes how lucky he was that his family loved him. 

Shallan was not that lucky. 

And Kaladin also realizes that he must have killed Helaran, which hurts. Anyway, Kaladin has a vision of the Stormfather in the storm and gets chewed the fuck out for killing Syl. 

Back to Dalinar. Amaram is trying to get him to make an agreement with Sadeas of some sort. Bull fucking shit. Shut the fuck up, Amaram. And then they get the message that Kaladin came out of the chasms. 

Dalinar runs the entire way there. 

He’s such a good dad. 

Aaaand he finds it hard to get through because so much of Bridge Four is already there. They know their Captain. And Kaladin fucking brought back the gemheart as well, of course. 

“Yeah, we took care of that for you, sir.” fuckin hell Kaladin. 

Shallan lies and says it was already dead, Kaladin agrees, Dalinar notes that Kaladin is a shit liar. 

And Navani has warmed up to Shallan enough to run over to her and mother hen her hardcore. I don’t think she wanted to lose another young scholar. 

Anyway, Dalinar asks if Kaladin was what he was looking for, and Kaladin denies it--he says he might have been, but not now. Dalinar also notes that Kaladin is a hero again. 

Also wow, looks like Amaram just vanished, what a surprise, looks like he can’t stand the sight of a certain slave being a hero, huge surprise there, i’m shocked

Also Pattern eavesdropped on Dalinar and Navani and offers to reproduce the sound of them kissing and Shallan is like. You know what. no. no thanks pattern. maybe not. 

Also Adolin shows up and just hugs Shallan a lot, and then she kisses him. Nice. He also said that he would protect her and not let anything bad happen to her--which causes her to freeze up. 

Last person who did that was her father. Don’t try to hide her away, Adolin, she murdered the last man who did that. 

And Shallan also convinces them not to take the parshment with them, which was A Good Call because the parshendi are calling down the everstorm and all those parshmen would go stormform. 

Aaaand that ends Part Four! 

#stormlight archive liveblog #FUCK YEAH BRIDGE FOUR #dalinar voice: unite them #i loathe meridas amaram #so does wit fortunately #highprince dadlinar #chasm road trip