#since I started being kind out of sheer frustration my mental health has improved a thousandfold | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

noxrynne · 3 years

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just doin this so i can vent cuz it’s fucking frustrating me and has been for years now. Like, I understand bad anxiety. I have bad anxiety. I struggle daily with anxiety, depression, constant lethargy and feeling generally pretty down shit. But, fuck, even though I know I’m not perfect and do genuinely need days to just recharge, I do at least try when I feel like I can. When I have a little bit of excess energy I do try to clean the place up a bit more, I do try to get the dishes done, the laundry done, take the trash out and pick up the trash around the place, bring the old box that’s been sitting by the wall for too long down to the dumpster and so on. It doesn’t get done in a timely manner, but it does get done. And I know I ain’t perfect about all that. But... like, after I do all those things. And I ask. For the third fucking time. “Hey, can you please rinse out the cat’s dish before leaving it on the counter? The smell really gets to me and makes me feel nauseous” and get just yelled at with how That’s Impossible and how “I Literally Cannot Adjust my Schedule to Comply with Your Wishes” and how “You Never Complained Before, Why’s It an Issue Now?” coming from the person who will, under 0 circumstances, go grab a food delivery, help bring in the groceries unless the guy got lucky and they’re Literally In Front of our Literal Door, who has tried to abandon me in an empty house because “I want to be Alone In the Furnished Place with Internet” and is Fully Aware I have really bad paranoia late at night Especially When Alone, who has refused to lift a finger to help with anything related to moving, who Knows that “Well it /has/ to be done and they /will/ do it even if I /don’t/ help even though they are asking for help” and always, always, always cites “my mental health is bad” as the excuse for why this is all fine and dandy I just. I”m so fucking sick of it. But there’s nothing I can really do. Like, when she moved in she did clean and help out heavily for a few weeks and, like, it was more than she needed to do and I said as much. And I knew then, as I learned now, that it’d be used against me if I ever needed or asked for help down the line. The whole “well I did so much in x/y time period so why should I keep helping now? You’re asking for too much/being unfair because I did all this work three months ago etc...” And I’ve been pretty resigned to understanding that no matter what, she probably won’t actually help tangibly with anything unless there’s some benefit that she wants out of it as an exchange. I’ve been struggling really bad with insomnia and haven’t felt right for weeks, but the only time I could ever get any help with something like... taking the trash out was... literally telling her “No, I won’t help you with whatever bullshit in whatever game until you do this for me” and then, guess what, she did the thing she claimed was Literally Impossible for her to do. Bitched the whole time, kept trying the “Oh, I”ll do it After” and then even told me later that no, if I didn’t make her do it then she wasn’t gonna do it later Ha. Ha. And it’s been a pattern for so long. The other thing is she gets into hyper-political topics, but if you ever have a point to make or a disagreement on something she’ll literally throw a fit and then put the blame on you for making her upset. And it’s like. I get having a rough time with mental health. Shit can suck big fucking time. I have a lot of extremely rough patches where I can hardly get myself to function. But it just. Piles up when you’re the only one who’s willing to do the basic stuff, and vehemently denied assistance (even if it’s LITERALLY just rinsing 1 dish out so it doesn’t smell like dead fish asshole). Like I am TRYING to at least do better, at least trying to like, Do Tasks and trying my best not to let shit pile up (but it does sometimes I admit), but what I get in return is absolutely no attempt to even try, to even compromise, to even like, “Hey I can do this, can you do this?” because any time I ask for anything, at any time, when it comes to any general chores it’s always “No. I can’t do that. Because My Anxiety/My Depression/My Habits” and it’s just hit a point where it’s like... thsi... isn’t sustainable. This is beyond compromising with things, this is literally “I have to give you something as a reward, in order to have any help with any/thing/.” When I move soon, because this fucking place upped the rent by 400 and frankly I don’t want to move every fucking year again, I’m like... not expecting much help. Pretty much no help. I mean, shit, my mom even told me that she tried to convince my mom to come up early to take her back down to Texas so she wouldn’t have to help and just leave me with everything LOL. Like. She Always does. And it’s always “justified” in some bullshit asinine way. And it’s all shit where it’s like -I’m- the one yelled at, -I’m- the unreasonable, tyrannical bitch. How dare /I/ ask her to clean... one... dish. One dish. One. Like fuck, can’t even have a discussion about a serious topic without a tantrum being thrown. Be it a political topic. Be it an actually Fucking Important Topic That Really Actually Needs to be Fucking Talked About. And it is tantrums. It’s yelling. It’s screaming. It’s blaming me for triggering her anxiety because, frankly, there’s shit that needs to be talked about like adults SOME FUCKING TIMES. It just gets to the point where I stop trying to even ask for any kind of help from her, and sometimes even just start avoiding engaging in topics with her because it’s not. fucking worth. it. And then I’m left holding the bag and having to do basically every fucking thing or nothing will ever fucking get done. And it’s not just this living situation. The living situation just exacerbated it since it’s Just Me having to deal with this bullshit and not Me and my Mom sharing in the bullshit. And it’s been an issue for a LONG time. And it’s frustrating because there’s 0 signs, 0 attempts, 0 care for any kind of attempt at general improvement. Like, again, I know I’m not perfect. I fall into similar ruts of not doing shit I need to, of avoiding shit I Need to Do, but I’ll generally be able to eventually force myself out of a sheer “I have to.” And if I still struggle, or still can’t, then I’ll at least try and figure out some way to make it easier, or try to accept help that’ll make it easier, or at least try to look up ways to make it easier when I’m in a better spot. Like it’s at least. Trying. I just genuinely feel like I’m completely not respected and am treated as basically someone to be walked on. But I can’t talk about any of this with her, because any time I try to even get close to breaching the topic she just starts shouting, starts saying how /I’m the asshole/ because being frustrated with this behavior /hurts my feelings/ and GOD FUCK like shit. What am I supposed to do? Shoulder both of our problems at the same time and solve them all? Is that how it’s going to be forever? My back won’t be able to take that. And I felt like I had to vent about it here because there’s no chance in hell she’d let me talk through all this with her without going back to yelling/blaming/getting pissed off and upset that I’m struggling handling all of Her Shit and My Shit at the same time all the time.

#just fuck man #i cant vent about it anywhere else cuz she follows my twitter account and i dont want to #like i dont want to make her feel bad i just #need to yell somewhere about it because eventually i know its going to have a breaking point and im just going to fall to pieces

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dropintomanga · 6 years

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A State of the Manga Mind Address

For as long as I can remember, I preferred reading manga over watching anime. Mostly because of the lack of fillers and censorship. But now I may have a new reason to prefer manga. Earlier this year, Anime Feminist interviewed a former Aoikgahara (the infamous "suicide forest" in Japan) volunteer about coverage of mental illness in anime and manga. The interview opened up my eyes about why I don't enjoy as much anime as I used to and how manga continues to intrigue me.

The interview with the volunteer, whose name is Makoto Kageyama, goes in-depth over their experiences with mental health, volunteering at Aokigahara, Japan's views on mental health, and their concerns over how mental illness is portrayed in anime compared to manga. They talked about the ever-popular trope where love and friendship save the day.

“I will be honest, I don’t like the stories where the issue gets solved magically with the power of love and friendship, it’s like a lazy way to solve things. Usually in anime, they make the issues look light or don’t explain them properly. Most of the stuff is “X-chan is sad (when clearly depressed and with a mental issue), we will bake this cake and they will see they are not alone and they will be cured from the sadness.”

And after that, the issue is never mentioned again and magically X-chan is cured. Also, in media where a character does get mental health care, they are shown as crazy and somehow that gives them a bad image like only crazy people go to get help for mental health.

That makes sad even though I’m an avid anime consumer. That’s why sometimes I stick more to manga in that sense.”

Kageyama later talks about hikikomori portrayals in anime versus real-life. They explain that even though hikikomori may get out of their shell, they still have trouble re-adjusting to people and it's a gradual process. Kageyama also points out that hikikomori being a "moe" trait in anime is a double-edged sword. They wonder about whether entertainment should triumph over information.

“I know anime is supposed to make you happy again; I mean, that’s the way it’s sold. But still, it could also be good for media to help others and there’s few anime that can do that. Like I said before, there’s more manga about mental health issues than anime.”

With that said, here’s some thoughts I have about some anime/manga series with regards to mental health coverage/inspiration.

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First off, I didn't enjoy the A Silent Voice anime movie's ending. It felt a bit too optimistic and summed up Kageyama's thoughts about anime sometimes. The movie ending was basically "Oh hey, there's friendship tension. But it's okay, with the power of love, we're all friends again!" The manga ending had all the characters on uncertain paths regarding their futures. They weren't as chummy with each other as before. It was much more realistic. Someone once mentioned to me that this is an effect of KyoAni making the movie. The ending was a "happy fantasy" that may have irked fans of the manga.

I don't want My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness and My Solo Exchange Diary to become anime. Both are great introductions into the mental instability of a young adult, but they are better suited for live-action. I'm sure fans would love anime adaptations of both memoirs. It's just that the messages the author wanted to bring out may be filtered in a way that doesn't do her works justice.

I have second thoughts about Takano Ichigo's orange. While I do like the series' approach to depression and suicide, I later realize that the series promotes love and friendship as the complete solution to all of one's inner trauma. Yes, teenagers are smarter than you think, but adults still have an edge due to wisdom gained from years of experience.

I also find Naho being the "chosen one" to save Kakeru a bad lesson to teach young women interested in romance. It's impossible to cater to every demand and need of a person. After listening to a podcast about why marriage is harder in modern life, I want people to be realistic about love. People expecting partners to be everything (best friend/lover/life coach/etc.) to them end up becoming frustrated with life.

Shonen series are inspirational to many fans and I still think they are worth following. Friendship, hard work, and victory still matter to a certain extent. Shonen promotes social resilience, the ability to stay calm in times of adversity with help of role models along the way. Having meaningful social connections is an important part of becoming a mentally healthy individual. It's just that some fans may take lessons from shonen in the wrong way.

They tend to like shonen (particularly anime adaptations of popular battle series) because of the focus on self-improvement and not making excuses in order to succeed. I feel as if the "friendship" aspect is ignored a great deal. In a way, shonen-style thinking can lead to a bad case of either victim blaming, deep shame, or both in the same time. Life doesn't have that element of "control" that shonen series incorporate well.

Speaking of the lack of control, Berserk and all of its cruel uncertainty makes it one of the most inspiring manga series despite its offensive nature. I will talk about this in a future post. It’s so unfortunate that the studio behind the new anime adaptations of the series overshadowed the richness of Guts’ continued journey with their obsession with CGI animation that looked awkward.

I need to get into March Comes in Like a Lion because of the constant praise from mangaka and fans. Kageyama mentions that they were surprised it got animated, but liked how the anime didn't shy away from the heavy stuff. It gives Kageyama hope for future anime series that can portray mental illness in an effective manner. The fact that March Comes in Like a Lion captures thoughts and feelings I have is something that should be on my list after years of hearing about it.

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With that said, I did get a chance to speak to Kageyama on Twitter a short while after the interview. I asked them about anime and what anime studios can do better in portraying mental health in a realistic light. I also asked them about what would get more Western fans to read manga. This is what they told me.

“I think the problem is that Western audiences are more lazy when it comes to reading manga. Since in Japan, life is always on the move and manga/books are one of the best companions during your trips to work or school. Manga culture is kinda like your companion during mornings, while anime is your companion during afternoons.

If you think about it, most anime air during the afternoon. Mostly because people come back from work and school and they don’t feel like reading. So in a way, it’s more balanced out.

Meanwhile, life in the West is much different. People are more "social in a wrong way” if you don’t mind me adding. One thing I learned from living abroad is that people try to find more comfort in social media, games and anime. They then become lazy or disinterested in reading manga. I also realize that people tend to be more depressed because of the internet too.

I think that if manga was promoted better in the West, especially in a way that the possible reader could say “I can relate to this”, people would read more manga. Especially because of the so-called “risky topics” I keep mentioning, which are not risky. They are just human topics and nowadays people from both Japan and the West are afraid to talk and see humanity, but at the same time, they crave for it."

There’s so many responses I have towards toward this, but Kageyama is right to a certain extent. People in the West slowly gravitate away from books towards television as they get older. My boss said one of her New Year’s resolutions this year was to read a new book every month. I don’t know how far she’s gotten into it, but since most resolutions don’t end well, maybe she’s given up on it.

Reading for pleasure is such an anomaly in my part of the world since schools over here condition people when they are young that reading is supposed to be boring. While manga and graphic novel sales are making gains in the U.S., books are not selling well in general.

And regarding why people reject and crave humanity, that's because of the randomness and luck involved in getting it. People want to be sure that things will have a happy ending. That's what they expect, when there is no guarantee that life will go as planned. Anime, in a way, reduces randomness to ease the minds of fans. Manga is all about embracing randomness and the sheer amount of series and topics covered, when compared to anime, attest to that.

Yeah, randomness is bad, but it can lead to wonderful realizations such as appreciating manga for what it is - a medium for the kind of stories that need to be told and told in a way that shows people how human we really are. Learning about the interview with Kageyama was a random stroke of luck in my favor and i felt better for it.

There are comics out there that talk about mental illness. Graphic novels are raw and gritty. They’re a great medium to visualize whatever thoughts anyone has.

I’m not going to criticize anime fans for only sticking to anime because I like seeing characters in motion as much as anyone. I also think there’s a lot of low-quality manga out there. Reading is a big investment of one’s time and in some cases, a luxury. But if you have a favorite manga-to-anime adaptation that left you feeling disappointed and you never read the source material, the original manga can help alleviate your disappointment. The intimacy of reading a manga through the lens of the original creator is an experience that can move you because manga is almost like a personal journal of one’s thoughts, feelings, and ideals made larger through imagination.

For someone craving humanity, manga is a certain start that can lead to a better state of mind.

If you would like to talk to Kageyama about all things mental health-related in Japan, you can contact them on Twitter at @kurietachan.

#manga #mental health #psychology #humanity #mental illness

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poetic-mime-blog · 6 years

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I’m going to type out my thoughts on a matter here instead of reblogging a post and risking attracting more drama to my brother’s blog. Feel free to ignore this.

From my understanding, here’s how the chain of events went:

- My brother was constantly bending over backwards to please and ensure that “F” was feeling safe and all right. He was also begging for communication from “F” so that there would be less issues arising, and so that their friendship could flourish in a healthy manner. Instead, he was given excuses and a refusal to establish healthy communication. Nonetheless, my brother still continued to do all that he could to keep things as stable as possible.

- My brother shares a sketch with some friends. It included a hairstyle he had never done before, and he had not used any references for it, and he was proud of the outcome. One of his friends, “A,” who had no connections to “F” whatsoever, offered critique without first asking if my brother wanted it. This happened in a DM on Discord. Unfortunately, my brother was not in a good enough mindset to handle that and he started splitting on “A.” Unwarranted critique is a trigger for my brother thanks to some bad experiences in the past.

- My brother, upset, goes into a Discord server that he, “F” and some other friends are in, goes to the vent channel, and types out a very short rant about the situation and his frustration over it, as the unwarranted critique is something that has been happening consistently. All from different people.

- “F” responds to the rant by making a message saying that they’re going to be muting the channel, as they can’t handle “reactionary negativity.” Nothing negative was said towards them as a result, on any front, and the subject was simply dropped immediately afterwards in the server.

- My brother goes to his own blog to ramble then, to blow off some steam. He tagged the post as “negative” to help ensure it would be caught by those who had that tag blacklisted. He didn’t use “drama,” as it didn’t fit the situation.

- Suddenly, “F” is blatantly avoiding and ignoring my brother. They were posting in the server at the time that my brother finished another sketch, which happened to be of one of “F”’s favorite characters of my brother’s. My brother excitedly sent “F” the sketch to share it. “F” did not respond and immediately stopped talking in the server. This was very odd behavior for “F” when nothing negative, as far as my brother was aware, had happened between them, and it set off my brother’s anxiety, but he didn’t think much of it, wanting to give “F” the benefit of the doubt instead of letting his anxiety run rampant.

- The next day, my brother sees “F” posting in the server again. He messages “F” and asks if he did anything to upset “F.” Again, “F” immediately stops posting in the server and does not respond. At that point, my brother knew he was being ignored and he began to panic. He is left in this turmoil for hours, and eventually he leaves the server due to his panicking and feeling unwelcome by “F,” who created said server.

- When “F” finally responds, it is with a vague message of, “I’m not in a position to explain myself, don’t beat yourself up over this >u<” This did not clarify if my brother had done anything to upset “F” or if “F” was upset over something else and my brother was simply caught in the cross of it, which had happened before. The not knowing and the tone that offered no concern over my brother’s own well-being due to “F”’s actions caused my brother to break down severely.

- Messiah, one of our system protectors, was then triggered to the front, and he sent a very blunt message to “F,” saying that their actions were not okay. They offered no comfort or clarification as to what was going on, and my brother was feeling as if they were going to be abandoned. They were causing blatant harm to my brother, when my brother had been doing everything at this point to cater to “F”’s every need, and never returning that kindness. He mentioned that friends should not be doing what “F” was doing to my brother, as they were supposed to be friends.

- “F”’s response to this was to block my brother on Discord and everywhere else without another word. This only made everything worse. It caused my brother to go into what are now weeks’ worth of depressive spirals, suicidal spells, and total instability. Abandonment is one of my brother’s biggest triggers. Period.

- A few days ago, I attempted to extend an olive branch from my blog here, as my brother was still willing to try and work things out despite how toxic the situation had been. I was met with another, totally apathetic message, and blocked. It also contained an excuse of “our disorders just don’t work well together.” My brother has BPD, and “F” says that they have “AvPD.” However, I think it can be agreed with that there is a difference in saying, “I have this disorder and these struggles” and using said disorder as a crutch and as a way to say behavior cannot be improved and that one is not responsible for their own actions due to said disorder. The latter is exactly what “F” had been and continues to be doing.

- Yesterday, my brother finally decided to come out in the open about this situation. He used as many details as they could leading up to the abandonment, using only facts, and keeping “F” unnamed. He did not call “F” any derogatory names. He emphasized how negatively he has been impacted by this situation, as the entire thing boiled down to “F”’s refusal to communicate with him. If communication had been established as it should have been, my brother and “F” wouldn’t have had nearly as many issues as they did. And these issues were always minor.

- Not all that long after, my brother received an anon whose message accused my brother of “taking this out on “F.”” The thing is, the only thing my brother did was lay everything that happened out on the table, explain why he has been so unstable and upset lately, and hint to the fact that “F” should take responsibility for their own actions. He has not sent anon hate to “F,” told anyone to harass them, or try to tell other people to not be friends with “F.”

- This anon’s typing style and tone were nearly identical with the message I received here when I reached out to “F” so we and several of our friends are convinced that the anon was “F” themself, attempting to get my brother to shut up about what happened, as they don’t see themself as being in the wrong whatsoever. This hypothesis can also be backed by the fact that my brother did not have “F” blocked anywhere before the anon was sent. After answering it, my brother blocked “F”’s blogs, and there has not been a single negative anon over the situation since.

Going off of all that, I can say that I see “F” as both toxic and an abuser. They cut my brother off the instant he was no longer a convenient presence for them, and after the one singular time one of us called them out on their toxic behavior. Keep in mind, “F” knew we are multiple and even claimed to have other friends who have DID, so punishing my brother for one of us standing up for him is disgusting to all of us that were aware of the situation. They walked all over my brother, made him jump through hoops to keep them happy while he was neglecting his own mental and emotional health to do so out of fear of saying anything negative to them.

My brother actually had a similar “avoidance” situation happen between him and a different friend, “V.” My brother was having an unstable day to begin with, and “V” accidentally caused my brother to start splitting harshly on them. He reacted impulsively by going offline and not speaking to “V” without explanation. The next day, he saw how distressed “V” had become over it. His reaction was to apologize for hurting them, explain what caused him to react in such a manner, and to talk things out. There was also an agreement that he offered: if he was to start splitting like that again, he would tell “V” that he was splitting, and that he needed space, but they would be okay and they could talk things out later.

This sort of explanation is what my brother begged “F” for in the cases that “F” would shut him out. A very simple but comforting explanation. “I can’t talk right now but we’re still friends.” That was all my brother ever wanted from “F,” but that was too much to ask for, apparently.

Collectively, we’re autistic and have an assortment of other mental illnesses besides BPD. Saying vague things like what “F” did as their answer to my brother being scared out of his mind that he was about to lose his friend, offer no comfort and only cause confusion and more panic.

And yet, the “anon” that sent my brother an apathetic message over the situation told us that “he”--lumping Messiah and my brother into the same category, reading as if they’re calling them the same person--overreacted to them saying they needed space. Messiah “overreacted” when they offered no explanation for anything whatsoever and caused my brother to start panicking and sobbing in the front because he didn’t know what was going on. A stern message, telling someone that causing their friend pain isn’t okay and that they need to communicate with their friend is “overreacting.”

“F,” I don’t know if you’ll ever see this, but you are shit at hiding yourself on anon, and myself and ten other people (not in our system, mind you. I’m talking separate individuals) that we’ve talked to know that what you did wasn’t okay. It wasn’t healthy. None of it was. And you have a lot of growing to do. I hope you do. Because if you don’t, and you keep throwing away friends like you did my brother, you are going to end up alone. No one wants “friends” that will abandon them the moment they voice that they are being hurt. Not mildly inconvenienced. Not a little irritated or vaguely confused. Hurt. The kind of hurt that panic attacks, breakdowns, and sheer terror causes. The sooner you realize that, the better off you’ll be. In the meantime, you better not ever come near my brother again unless, like he mentioned when answering a different anon, you have a genuine apology, an explanation that isn’t bullshit and more manipulation, and are going to straighten up your act and work to gain back the trust that you highhandedly shattered because you refused to communicate and didn’t like being told that you were in the wrong.

#Kur.txt

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glimpseofbeing-blog · 7 years

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A Letter to a Friend...

Copied below is a a letter written to a friend in prison on October 10, 2017. The body, beauty, art, ect., are reflections of the world. I think this writing is to. A representation of my processing of recent and ongoing events. Hopelessly bleak and still somewhat hopeful. A bit of Steppinwolf I suppose.

Hi Mike,

Been a bit, per usual-apologies for the delay. Honestly, I'm not even sure where the time goes. I make to do lists almost daily with "write Mike" always on there. It's strange: I haven't had a job in a year but I'm always busy, though I'm not sure with what. The little things in life I suppose. Maybe difficult to understand from your position, maybe not.

The world is wild. I'm writing this letter, or at least this portion, on my phone. I'll eventually email it, then print using a tiny memory stick at Kinko’s in town. And I'll pay for the print with my credit card, of course, so I can get a frequent flyer mile. After 12,000 of those I get a free flight. Ridiculous!

But the world is wild in many not so great ways too. I'm sure by now you've heard of the mass shooting in Las Vegas? I'd really love to hear your thoughts on gun violence and what you feel America can do? Only if you're comfortable and willing, of course. No pressure.

I have another sensitive question, only if you're willing as well: do you ever get depressed in there? If so, how have you learned to cope?

I'm newly seeing a therapist for my first time. Pretty excited though it took a minute to get started. The first one I tried was horrible but I've now connected with a woman who is intriguing in having previously worked on the stock market in New York before becoming a counselor. I like that she is into analytical business while holding a high value for emotional communication.

She shared that she knew 50 people who lost their lives in the world trade attacks on 9/11. After losing my friends in the fire this year I find comfort in speaking vulnerably with a person who also knows what grief comes when people disappear unexpectedly due to traumatic events.

My major motivators in seeking therapy are 3 fold. The first is dealing with ongoing grief from the passing of my friends. The second is improving my interpersonal communication approaches. I have patterns in intimate ongoing relationships where I tend to get frustrated and lash out at those closest to me. I've always done this with girlfriends and have lost a few great ones from my lack of self management. Never physical abuse, just saying things in anger that don't really communicate my interests. Likewise, I've struggled in work situations. After cooking in loud kitchens forever, I sometimes am too much for professional colleagues. I care a lot about work and invest a lot of energy in being successful. I try to communicate clearly but the high expectations of my drive to achieve have left some thinking of me as condescending. I can see what they mean though I certainly don't intend this to be. So hopefully I can find some new paths.

Thirdly, I find myself depressed here and there. Even with my job search: some days it's hard to stay positive, especially as political conditions and economic systems appear increasingly dismal. All in all, my life is great and I'm mostly a happy person. But some days things are cloudy.

As part of beginning therapy I have reached out to my sisters and asked them to share any relevant diagnosis and resulting medication choices. I've known since childhood that mental health was an almost ubiquitous challenge for the whole of my family. And I saw therapists fail with my mother time and again while witnessing both my sisters enter various kinds of treatments with mixed results.

Still, I was shocked to read the depth of medication and diagnosis that my sisters have recently shared with me. My middle sister also helped refresh my memory of my mom’s conditions, medications and family history. I had forgotten that her father, although adopted, had been labeled schizophrenic. Obviously there is no genetic connection but as my sister appropriately noted that being raised in a household with these types of conditions can also affect one's adult development.

So here I am. Reasonably happy but aware that I suffer from situational depression as well as limited anger and frustration. Feeling pretty damn lucky in light of the struggles those most closely related to me have continued to face since our childhood.

I admit it is pretty wild each time I look back. The more I study the legacy of global capitalism and the role of American imperialism, the more I become aware of the privilege I received growing up as an American male of middle class status. For a long time, I wrote off any sadness or feelings of emotional trauma as overly dramatic and unfounded due to my privileged upbringing. But now more than ever, I have creeping memories of family events that I seem to have suppressed in convincing myself that I had no right to feeling emotionally challenged from my childhood.

Please understand that I am far from asserting I was abused in any traditional sense. I hesitate to place myself any where near such a label as I feel that would devalue the significance of experience so many others have had to endure in this truly messed up world.

It's fleet week here. I stepped out to get a coffee and saw the blue angels flying fighter jets in formation over the city. I remember running a food vending station at an air show years ago. My location was right next to the crowd stands and so I got to watch all these amazing jets and planes race by all day long. I've also been on an aircraft carrier once in South Carolina.

These are the creations of man, or better stated in a non-gendered expression, the result of human ingenuity. To say the least, we are impressive creatures posing powerful intellectual potentials. But I'm left wondering what it says about our species when we acknowledge that many of our most monumental feats are focused about death, destruction and oppression.

The world, or at least the human experience of it, appears to be dying and at an increasing rate. I have limited knowledge of how limited your knowledge is as a result of your incarceration. I think the briefest statement is to say things look bleak from most any perspective. The Cold War is in full effect again, poverty and the division between wealthy and poor is widening, and climate-related emergencies are increasing at a rapid rate whether our government chooses to acknowledge it or not.

The catch is that all these considerations are largely the result of human action and interaction, and in my view particularly the outcome of social systems that lack compassion born from respect for equality of being. Yourself and the many others imprisoned in our nation and across the world come to mind as I struggle with these thoughts. Malcom X wrote in his biography that the most cruel thing a society can do to an individual is to place them in a cage.

I recognize from your writings that some good has come from the programs you have engaged in during your sentence. I'm glad for that at least. I do hear some sense of achievement and hope as I read of your accomplishments and ongoing betterment activities. Likewise, I am aware that your crime, regardless of your remorse, which I believe is sincerely genuine, was a heinous act requiring some societal response.

Yet Malcom X's words continue to ring in my head, especially as the house I'm in shakes from the jets flying closely above in demonstration of the destructive power of our nation's political might. Something is very not right here. Maybe you weren't a child at 17, but after all our letters and the time spent as boys I struggle to accept that you as a person are simply an animal so threatening to the world that you should be caged. Or that caging an individual is actually for that person's benefit.

And in the same regard, I struggle to accept the prison system as fair and just while being aware of the disproportionate incarceration of minority groups and people of color. We have a nation that more strictly regulates a woman's reproductive rights than an adult's access to technologies solely focused on the termination of life. That is not just, fair or respectable.

I am glad you've found success in your living condition and that you've embraced the opportunity to both help others and prepare for re-entry. But I'd be lying if I said I believed in the system's expressed intent to rehabilitate and support convicted individuals for success upon release. It's hard enough for the average individual to get a job and I know that a felony record only exasperates this universal struggle.

I am optimistic for you though. I know you to be kind, well mannered and focused on positively supporting those around you. I think that orientation goes a long way in a world where success is significantly impacted by both an individual's sheer will and their connection to gatekeepers who hold access to limited resources such as employment opportunities. And so, I like to imagine that you have impressed many who you've worked with to a point where you'll have the opportunity to pursue your dreams upon their social connections when released.

I suppose this letter is far too heavy and long winded. Best to wrap it up. My apologies for not being more up beat. Please accept my vulnerability in sharing the rather dismal view that currently dominates my outlook. I hope you're well and continuing to find peace in working forward toward the next stages.

Best regards,

#me

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