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jate-kara · 6 months

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Unrepentant | On AO3

"I'm told you've already heard."

Shiro didn't look up from the pieces of Trespasser he'd spread out across the workshop table. It had been too long since he'd taken it all the way apart and put it back together again - not since he'd shown the Young Wolf how to build their own. But he still knew every component by heart. They were solid weight in his hands. Familiar. Immutable.

He heard more than saw Saladin move from the doorway. His cloak rustled softly as he eased himself onto the bench at Shiro's side. "Bad news travels fast," Shiro bit out, to appease him. The half-assembled weapon trembled in his grip, and he hissed a curse under his breath. If he wasn't careful, he'd have to recalibrate the whole damn thing again.

Saladin's hand landed on his wrist and held tightly. "What are you going to do?"

An acrid retort burned in Shiro's throat. "Nothing," he muttered, and that tasted just as bitter as the scathing return he didn't say. "The Young Wolf has already made a vow of vengeance. I won't interfere. Wouldn't be right."

It turned in his chest: a truth he'd known and hadn't spoken aloud. The Young Wolf had been there, at the Prison of Elders, where the Barons had shot Sundance, and Uldren had executed Cayde. The Young Wolf had watched Cayde die. Of course they'd torn off to set the Shore ablaze. It was what any good Guardian - what any good friend - would do. Wouldn't be honorable to disrespect that Vow, but it felt like betrayal anyway.

Saladin was quiet for a long beat. "I don't believe you," he said at last. "He was too important to you for that."

"Cayde was important to everyone."

"Not like he was to you."

Shiro yanked his arm free and turned his attention back to Trespasser. Saladin didn't stop him, though he didn't leave either. They sat in tense silence while Shiro slowly assembled, tested, calibrated, and recalibrated the weapon. Once it was done, he cradled it gently in both of his hands. Same steady hum. Always reliable. His one irrevocable constant.

"Why are you here?" Shiro asked, more roughly than he'd meant to.

Saladin gave a heavy sigh. "You really have to ask?"

"I don't want to talk."

"Neither did I, after Rasputin raised the bodies of the Iron Lords. And I seem to remember telling you the same thing. Maybe you can remind me how well that went."

Shiro avoided his gaze. "I don't want to talk," he said again, as if it would be any more convincing the second time when it hadn't even dented the steel of Saladin's resolve the first.

Saladin's hand fell on his shoulder and squeezed. "I know what it's like to be the last survivor. That grief. That pain. It will destroy you if you let it. You have borne the loss of your entire pack, and now I find you here, alone, with your sidearm in hand. You tell me that you aren't going to pursue Uldren. I'll accept that. Now tell me that whatever it is that you are planning to do won't end with your final death."

The ache sitting heavy in his chest surged and swelled until it exploded in a blinding burst of agony. Shiro snapped to face him, but for all of the fire burning in the heart of his frame, he couldn't break the strangled silence between them. Andal had suffered and died, and Shiro had stayed back and let Cayde swear vengeance against Taniks, because Andal had been the other half of Cayde’s soul, and Taniks was supposed to be dead already. Then Tevis had gone off to the Black Garden on his own without a damn word to Shiro about it - not a warning, and not a goodbye. And he hadn't come back, and Shiro had listened when Cayde had begged him to leave it alone, because they were the last of their fireteam, and because Cayde hadn't sounded so broken since they'd lost Andal. Now Cayde was dead, too, and the Young Wolf was on the trail of his killer while Shiro sat safely in the Iron Temple, drowning in the same useless grief.

He shrugged out of Saladin's grasp and pushed himself to stand. "I've assigned my patrols to a few reliable fireteams. Give my room to whoever wants it. Maybe Marcus Ren. He's sent in more than one request to test Sparrows on the mountain. You should consider it. He's a good Hunter, and he might liven things up around here."

"No," Saladin returned immediately. "The room is yours, and so it will remain vacant until you return."

"I don't know if I'll ever be back."

Saladin's stare was unwavering. "Then it will stay vacant forever."

"Is this about me leaving, or about not wanting Ren in here?"

A ghost of a grimace twisted Saladin's mouth. "Where Marcus Ren goes, Enoch Bast always follows. If I let them in, Felwinter Peak will never know peace again."

A suffocating silence fell over them like a veil. The Iron Temple had been his sanctuary for a long time; it was the first place that had brought him any measure of peace since his fireteam had fractured. Now Shiro breathed and felt the truth settle in his chest: Cayde was dead, he was the last one left, and this wasn't home anymore. It was just another end.

Saladin made the first move to break the deathly quiet. He stood, too, and clapped a hand on Shiro's shoulder. "You'll be back," he said, with a certainty that didn't reach his eyes. "A long time ago, you swore to compete in the Iron Banner. I intend to hold you to that promise."

"I said once things had settled down. They haven't."

"Then you'll have to stay alive until they do."

Shiro waited too long to answer. Every line of Saladin's body was strung through with sudden tension. His jaw twitched. A storm raged in his eyes, first defiant fury, then fear, then grief, and finally, quiet resignation. He stayed there for a beat more, like he was burning the moment into the back of his mind, and then he was gone. The heavy iron door slammed shut behind him.

Suzume shimmered to life. She bobbed once, like she was studying him, then floated gently to eye level. "Shiro," she started, "you promised."

Trespasser fit perfectly in his grasp. The core pulsed a steady beat. "The person I made that promise to is dead."

"Cayde still wouldn't want you to take this kind of risk."

What Cayde had wanted didn't matter anymore. "You don't have to come with me. Stay here, where it's safe."

Suzume gave an exasperated huff. "I go where you go," she said. "Always."

"This once, I wish you wouldn't."

"Always," she repeated, as if he hadn't said anything. "To the very end."

Trespasser slipped smoothly into its holster. Shiro took one last look at the workshop, then hoisted his survival pack and turned away. He knew the route to the hangar so well he could walk it in his sleep. He felt every step. He felt nothing at all. He'd done this a thousand times. He might only ever do it once more.

"Suzume, do me a favor and scan the ship for trackers."

"You don't think Lord Saladin would do that."

"You and I both know he would."

Suzume muttered something so quietly Shiro couldn't make it out, and not for the first time, he felt a pang of distant regret, somewhere beyond the numb haze. "All trackers neutralized," she reported softly, hovering over his shoulder as he started the ship's ignition sequence. Right about now is when she'd usually call Cayde for him, and they'd talk until the screaming void in Shiro's head was finally quiet. But there was no more Cayde. There was no more fireteam. There had only ever been a few other people in the entire universe who knew how to pull him back from the gaping maw, and Suzume was the only one left. He should listen to Suzume more. He should care about that strained note in her voice. The broken desperation bleeding from every word. It should be killing him. Why wasn't it killing him?

The jumpship roared to life, carrying them out of the Temple and high into the atmosphere. They'd barely reached its edge when the holo blared to life. Saladin's expression was somewhere between disbelief and agony.

"You can't pursue Uldren," he said, volume rising with every word, "and Taniks is finally dead. But the Black Garden isn't an answer. It's suicide. Whatever you destroy, the Vex will just rebuild. On your corpse."

Shiro heard the words as if Saladin had shouted them from across a chasm. "I'm not going to try to destroy it. I just need to see it for myself."

"You're lying. To me, and to yourself. You don't want to see where Tevis Larsen died. You want to set the world on fire because he's gone. Because they're all gone, and this is the only vengeance you can reach."

Shiro didn't answer. Couldn't answer. Saladin stopped long enough to take a measured inhale. "Come back to the Temple, Shiro. Don't waste your life. Don't waste Suzume's life. She'll never abandon you. If you die in there, so will she."

"Suzume makes her own choices."

Saladin's face twisted painfully. "Was Cayde really all that was holding you back from this?"

There had been too many late nights, putting in coordinates and clearing them out and putting them back in. Too many times he'd curled up in his jumpship while Cayde chattered in his ear: You were always making up stories for us, Shiro. Lemme give it a try. I call this one Tevis Finally Learns How To Smile. Shiro had watched the sun rise from the pilot's seat. Had met the dawn with cool engines and a quiet heart. Had always murmured Thank you and every time, without fail, Cayde had returned Any time, Shiro. You call me any time you need me, you got that? I'm not goin' anywhere. That's a promise.

"Doesn't matter," Shiro forced, past the swelling grief. "Goodbye, Lord Saladin."

"Shiro-"

The comm cut out with a sickening buzz of static. Shiro slumped in his seat, barely conscious of Suzume's disapproving hum. "So," he muttered, "'all trackers neutralized', huh?"

Suzume dipped one half of her shell in her best imitation of a shrug. "I thought he should know where we were, at least."

"You don't think he'll try to stop me?"

"I think he knows you'd never forgive him if he did. But if we disappear, they'll know where to look."

Shiro tugged his hood up. It made sense. He should've thought of that. He should be thinking of a plan now. He'd told himself he'd come up with one, for Suzume's sake, if nothing else. Still, every time he tried, all he could manage was a vague sense of sickness, and a hand on the holster at his hip. There was a wall between him and the urgency he knew he should feel: infinite and insurmountable. He didn't have the strength to strike it. Didn't have the will, either.

They didn't talk the rest of the way to the Moon, or when they touched down, or when the nightmare shrieks split the silence between them. The Lunar Battlegrounds were too close to the Scarlet Keep for him to have landed there comfortably, so he left his ship on the outskirts of Sorrow's Harbor, and slowly made his way to the bridge, and then the Battlegrounds. The Vex gate was tucked into a cavern there, if the latest report was to be believed, and if the Hive hadn't launched some major offensive that had destroyed it in the last few weeks. Should be as simple as sneaking in and waiting for an activation. Could always provoke a Hive attack if it took too long.

Could always throw himself through and hope he survived.

Shiro called on the Light and bent it around him in a cloak, then slipped into the passage. There were no Vex on the route there, and only a few sentries in the cave itself. He took up a position behind one of the pillars closest to the Gate, Trespasser in hand, and settled in for a long wait. Kept a constant count of the hobgoblins. Kept an eye on the time. Kept himself here, with his back pressed to cold stone, and with his focus on the electric pulse of Trespasser's core beneath his palm. Constant. Immutable. Always.

"Shiro," Suzume called, through their internal comm, "are you okay?"

Of course he was okay. As far as waiting went, this was far from the longest he'd had to stay in one spot. One time he and Andal had spent three weeks on the same cliff. And thank the Traveler it had been Andal and not Tevis. Andal would at least talk to you on long stakeouts. Tevis would go dead silent.

"Shiro, you're shaking."

He wasn't. Couldn't be. Trespasser trembled in his hands. When had he started shaking? Shiro managed a shallow breath, and then another. Suzume was tucked away in her pocket dimension, safe from any enemy's sight, but he could still feel the jagged edge of her worry cutting into the back of his mind.

"I'm okay," he sent back. "Keep an eye on the Gate."

Suzume didn't respond. The jagged edge sharpened. He brushed it away. He shouldn't be able to brush it away. Shiro shook his head. He just had to hold out until the gate opened. The Garden was massive, by all accounts. If they made it in, there should be plenty of ways to skirt the Vex sentries, at least long enough to make it to the site.

At least long enough to see where Tev had died.

"What are you going to do after?" Suzume asked.

Shiro gave her the mental equivalent of a shrug. Suzume hesitated. "Are you sure it won't be…too much?"

"I'll be fine. Tev has been gone for years. This is just - closure."

"There was a funeral," Suzume reminded, though there was no weight to her words. They both knew Hunters took no comfort in formalities. The funeral had been held by some of Tevis's other old - comrades? Friends, maybe. Not close enough to him to know he wouldn't have wanted it. Shiro had helped Cayde lay Tevis to rest, but he hadn't gone to whatever ceremony had been held later. He hadn't cleaned his City apartment after, either - not of Tevis's various trinkets, or Cayde's extra cloaks, or Andal's books. It was still sitting untouched, like a monument to his loss: precious fragments of the people he never thought he'd have to live without.

"Yeah," Shiro said at last. "Tevis would have hated it."

That got him a strained chuckle. He couldn't return it. He didn't even want to. There was a void in his chest where that faint warmth was supposed to be. Trespasser's hum was steady. He focused on it until the tremors in his hands stopped completely. Until it didn't hurt to breathe.

The gate stayed quiet for a few hours. When it finally burst to life, Shiro wasted no time in darting through it. He registered a whirlwind rush and an ear-splitting buzz, and then he found himself on the other side. There was a lot of green for a Vex outpost; besides some bronze plates and glowing confluxes, the rest was worn stone and open sky. It was enough to stop him dead two steps from the portal.

"Shiro, there are Vex incoming. We need to move," Suzume bit out, and he jolted, casting a glance over his shoulder to make sure she was still there, hovering in the cover of his cloaking field, and not trapped on the other side of the gate. The Vanguard report said Tev's Ghost had gotten separated from him, and that was how they'd both ended up needing burials. Shiro had wondered for a long time after that if it had been bad luck, or if the Vex had done it deliberately: if they'd found a way to sever the lifeline so they could seize some connection to the Light. If they'd known somehow that Tevis had been deeply connected to the Void - that even when the Darkness was so thick you could barely breathe, he could still feel the Call. Shiro still wondered now, as he slipped by the few Vex that were mulling around the gate, and as he climbed until he had a decent vantage, well away from their eyes, where he could pause to orient himself and punch in the coordinates he'd pulled out of the Vanguard's report archives.

"You know, there could have been an army waiting for us on this side," Suzume grumbled. There was no bite to her words, just barely restrained fear. Odd for her. She usually had such total faith in their teamwork.

Shiro spared her a glance. "There wasn't."

"But there could have been. What happened to making a plan? We always make a plan."

Shiro didn't have an answer for that. "We should get moving. No telling how long it'll be before more Vex come through this quadrant."

The Garden was towering and ethereal. It seemed older than even the Vex's eternity, like the stone had been hewn and worn by a force beyond concept and calculation. Shiro felt it in every step: the reverberation of some ancient power, so potent that even now, eons after its genesis, it still suffused the mesas and the ruins. The closer they came to Tevis's final stand, the stronger it was. By the time Shiro caught sight of the first of the old Void tether scarring, it was so thick that it weighed on him with every breath. He followed the trail of the fight through that heavy fog until it led him to the end: a Hunter's helmet painted with the vermillion stripe, surrounded by scoring, and set gently against the stone.

Suzume said something, but Shiro couldn't hear her over the ringing in his head. The arc cloak slipped away in a snap of electric blue. Tevis had stood here, against a horde, with nothing but his bow and the final burst of the Light with which it had been infused. He'd fought, and he'd faltered, and he'd fallen, and the last damn thing he'd seen before he died was the cold glow of a Vex as it buried its rifle in his chest and burned out his heart. Cayde's account had been sparse with the details, but the Young Wolf's report had filled them in. Tevis hadn't been on the comm in his final moments. Interference, they'd said, and maybe it was true.

Or maybe Tevis had wanted to spare Cayde from hearing him scream.

The Light surged around Shiro in a storm. Trespasser was a solid weight in his hand. The core pulsed as it charged to full capacity, faster than the pounding in his chest. The numb haze between him and the rest of the world split wide with a thunderous crack, so sharp and searing that it hit him like an inferno blast. He couldn't breathe for the shattered grief; he couldn't see for the strangled rage. Tevis had died here - cornered, afraid, and alone. He had been beyond Shiro's reach. Just like Andal. Just like Cayde. Too far. Always too late. Shiro's hands shook. A violent tremor wracked his spine. He could release the storm and burn to ashes in his own Light and it wouldn't bring them back. There was nothing and no one left to save. There was only death. There was only another end.

"Breathe, Shiro."

Hands fell on his shoulders, holding tight. The storm surged higher. Shiro opened his mouth to say something - say anything - and all that came out was a broken sob. He tried to raise Trespasser, but it fell from his useless fingers instead. He couldn't fight this. He didn't want to. Real or not - it still looked and moved exactly like Tevis Larsen, down to the strained set of his spine, and the raw fear in his eyes. The only difference was the shimmer around his outline, and the Garden's ethereal glow on his skin.

"Breathe," Tevis said again, and shook him when he didn't respond. "Damn it, Shiro, if you don't get a grip you're gonna bring a whole Garden worth of Vex down on your head."

"Tev," he said, like a prayer, or a plea.

The grip shifted, so it was more gentle strength than sheer desperation. "Yeah," he said. "I'm here. I gotcha."

"You died."

"I am dead. Or whatever passes for dead here."

"But you-"

"Look, I'll explain once you don't look like you're gonna explode." Tevis's tone softened. "Just breathe for me, all right?"

Shiro stared at him for a long beat, then took a shuddering inhale. Another. The storm receded like the tide, and Shiro staggered, steadied only by the ghostly grip on his shoulders. "Easy," Tevis murmured, and guided him carefully to the ground, so he was sitting propped up against the stone wall. Once he seemed satisfied that Shiro wasn't going to spontaneously erupt into a shower of sparks, he crouched in front of him.

"You look like shit," Tevis announced, though there was resignation there rather than his usual dry teasing.

Shiro flinched at it. He'd spent so many nights staring up at the stars and wondering what he'd say, if he could see Andal or Tevis again. Now, the words stopped in his throat. His chest was on fire. He wanted to scream, but when he opened his mouth, the best he could manage was a wounded keen.

"Shiro," Tevis called, from somewhere beyond the hurricane in his head. He sounded worried. He shouldn't sound like anything at all. He was dead and gone and this was a trick of the Garden or of Shiro's desperate mind. Tevis had left him behind a long time ago, without even a simple goodbye.

"You're dead," Shiro croaked. "You're not really here."

A cool palm pressed to his cheek. "Yeah," Tevis said, voice strained. "I died. Garden turned me into this, all right? But I'm still me."

"You're not," Shiro forced, through the fresh wave of grief. "If you were, you would've come back."

Tevis seized one of Shiro's hands and held on fiercely. For a moment, he was silent, trembling. "I can't," he said at last, like the words had been punched out of him. "I'm bound to the Garden. From what I can make out, the Vex think I'm some kinda paracausal entity. Anomaly. I tried, Shiro - I swear I tried, more times than I can remember. Goin' near the Gate is like getting torn apart."

Shiro didn't answer. Couldn't. Dimly, he heard Suzume reminding him that Tevis had still been a Guardian when he'd died, and that the Vex had never been able to simulate the Light or its Risen, and that the Black Heart had been born here, before the Young Wolf had destroyed it. That the place was humming with paracausality. That there could be a trapped soul.

That Tevis might not be beyond his reach.

Tevis was still silent, and still holding on. Slowly, Shiro reached out and pressed his palm flat against his chest. Felt it rise and fall with every breath. Felt the rapid pulse pounding beneath. Tevis's thumb stroked a gentle line along the sharp curve of his cheek. "I'm here," he said softly. "Just breathe."

Shiro stayed there, motionless in the quiet, until the hurricane subsided, then let himself slump forward to rest his forehead against Tevis's sternum. "You're cold."

"Side-effect of being a paracausal manifestation," Tevis returned, with a wry smile in his voice. "Can't hold it forever, either. Sometimes I'm just a whisper."

Shiro's next inhale shuddered. When Cayde had sat Shiro down and explained what had happened, he'd taken all of the blame on himself. He'd said he'd asked Tevis to scout a network of Vex gates, and that he had as good as sent him to Mars, and then his death in the Garden. Shiro had known better. Tevis was cautious and paranoid, but he'd also been more of a loner than any of them. He went where he wanted and did what he wanted, with or without support. Andal had, by virtue of being Andal, been better at clocking and then talking Tevis out of the more dangerous exploits, or, failing that, convincing him not to go alone. He'd had a kind, genuine way with his words, and whether he meant to or not, he was always bleeding open concern when he was really worried. It had done Tevis in the same as the rest of them. But while Cayde had been no less important to Tevis, he hadn't had the benefit of that sway. He'd done everything he could to keep Tevis safe; Shiro knew that without having to ask. It had just been a doomed effort from the start.

The pressure building in his chest swelled until it burst. "You just left," Shiro said, and the words exploded out of him in a harsh whisper. "Why in the hell didn't you say something?"

Tevis stiffened, but he didn't push away. He didn't respond, either. His hand slipped around to cradle the back of Shiro's head, then resumed that soothing touch.

"I would have come with you."

"I know. Didn't want you to. Seemed like you'd finally found a place you liked when you moved into the Iron Temple. Wasn't gonna drag you out into the Wilds again when you were happy scouting for Cayde."

"That's a decision you should have left to me."

Tevis blew out a breath. "Then we both might've been trapped here for the rest of eternity."

"You could've at least said goodbye."

Tevis's hold on him tightened. "Didn't think it was gonna be goodbye."

"Well, it was." Shiro moved to lift his head, and while Tevis didn't resist, the tremor in his hands was enough to give Shiro pause.

"I know you're pissed, Shiro. But I'm glad it was just me," Tevis said roughly. "Couldn't live with myself if this happened to you too."

The fire in Shiro's chest flickered and died. "Damn you," he muttered, though there was no bite to it.

It earned him a ragged imitation of a laugh. Tevis eased him to sit up, but he didn't let go of his hand. "I deserve that," he said. "And for whatever it's worth, I'm sorry. Tell Cayde for me too, huh? I know he took this on himself."

Shiro flinched so violently that for a half a beat, Tevis looked panicked. At first, he registered it as a reaction to the apology - but even after years away, he still knew Shiro better than anyone else alive. The pieces fell into place, and Tevis's grip on his hand tightened. His shoulders set into a stiff line. He locked his jaw and released it just as quickly, like he couldn't decide if he wanted to say what he was thinking. The intent focus in his eyes shifted to sharp desperation. "Where's Cayde?" he asked, and his voice cracked. "There's no way he would've let you come here alone. Not after I…"

He trailed off. Shiro tried to answer, and the words stuck in his throat. Tevis didn't seem to need him to, though. He bowed his head to his chest and took a slow and measured breath. "How?" he forced, through a mouthful of glass.

"Breakout at the Prison of Elders went bad. The Barons got Sundance. Then Uldren Sov executed Cayde."

Tevis's expression turned murderous. "Tell me you killed that bastard."

"The Young Wolf is going to. They were there for his last words. They swore the Vow before I even heard about it."

Tevis pressed his eyes shut. His grip on Shiro's hand would have been bruising if he was anyone else. His breathing was shallow. He tried to say something else, and all he managed was a ragged exhale. "One shot, straight to the chest," Shiro said quietly, in answer to the question he couldn't ask. "He didn't suffer the way Andal did, Tev."

Tevis's shoulders shook and seized back into that tense line. Shiro waited for him to pull away, to fade into nothing, and to take his grief somewhere no one could ever reach, but while Tevis's arms were trembling, his hold on Shiro didn't waver. "Damn it," he choked, and curled in on himself like he was protecting a wound.

Shiro risked a slight tug on their joined hands. Tevis didn't meet his eyes, but he offered no resistance when Shiro pulled him forward, except to refuse to let go. Once they were settled, Tevis rested his forehead against Shiro's shoulder. The pain cascaded through him in waves. He didn't ask for silence, or for Shiro to wrap an arm around him and cradle him close, but Shiro remembered losing Andal, and the agony after, and all the ways they'd broken apart, and in those moments, he'd always known Tevis better than Tevis knew himself.

"Why'd you come here?" Tevis whispered, once his breathing had evened. "The hell were you doing, trying to get yourself killed?"

"I wasn't-"

"Like hell you weren't. You're still complete shit at lying to me."

Shiro dropped his head back against the wall. It hit with a dull, metallic thud. "Don't."

Tevis was quiet for a long beat. "What was your plan?" he asked. "After you saw where I died."

It wasn't a question - not really. Tevis knew the answer already. Shiro said it anyway. "I didn't have one."

"That's not like you."

"Haven't felt like me in a while, anyway."

Tevis considered him a moment, blew out a breath, then carefully leaned backwards to meet Shiro's gaze. "There was something Andal told me, a long time ago," he said. "I was in a bad headspace. You were on a solo run, wasn't anything you knew about. Cayde did his best to help me out of it. Didn't stick. Lush was still too scared of me to try. Andal, though - he followed me up a damn mountain without a word even after I told him to fuck off seventeen different ways, and we sat there for hours. Wasn't until the stars were out that he said anything. He told me I couldn't earn the right to be alive. That I was here, and that was enough. 'You went through hell and survived,' he said, 'and we're glad you did, so stop trying to repent for it.' Never figured out how he knew. But I've never forgotten what he said."

Shiro's chest ached. "Andal was always good at that kind of thing."

Tevis's smile was sad. "Wish he was here for you now. Instead you get me."

"You're more than enough, Tev."

"I'd settle for just enough." Tevis set his jaw. "I want you to get the hell out of here. Go see the stars. Find the Deep Stone Crypt you're always seeing in your dreams. Write your stories. You remember Cayde, and Andal, and me. But you live. You hear me, Shiro? You stay alive."

Tevis searched his eyes for a reaction. Shiro wasn't sure what he found. Wasn't sure what he wanted him to find. Fire rose in his chest, and died all at once. He wanted to run until he collapsed. He didn't think he could bear to move a single step away. "I can't leave you here," he said hoarsely, and every word felt like a knife.

Tevis sighed. Shiro half braced for a scathing retort before he realized there wouldn't be one. "The Garden will kill you if you stay in it long enough," he said. "And I don't mean the Vex. I mean whatever they did to it. It'll pull your mind apart and put it back together wrong. Can't touch me. But I'm not gonna watch it happen to you. You have to go."

He squeezed Shiro's hand. Maybe to comfort. Maybe to ground himself. Years alone in the Garden, surrounded by Vex and cut off from the rest of the universe and from the Light: Tevis had always tolerated most other people with some degree of begrudging acceptance, but that sounded desperately lonely, even for him.

Shiro took a steadying breath. For the first time since he'd heard about Cayde, there was something beyond the wall. Something on the other side of the numb haze. Something he could reach. "I'm going to find a way to bring you home, Tev. I promise."

"Is talking you out of your death wish really that much of a lost cause?"

"Not a death wish. A recovery mission."

Tevis bowed his head for a second. "Make sure they're not the same damn thing," he muttered. "You better not get killed over me."

"I won't. I promise."

Tevis grimaced. "You better not," he repeated, but this time, underneath the exhaustion and the lingering grief, there was a soft note of relief. He dragged Shiro into a tight hug. The tense line of his shoulders relaxed completely.

"How long do you have?" Shiro asked, muffled against his shoulder. "Before you're gone for a while."

Tevis made a tired, considering noise. "Couple hours, maybe. Long enough to get you back to the Gate. Make sure you don't hit trouble."

"Shouldn't we have run into some by now?"

"Usually, sure. But the Vex have me logged as an anomaly. Pretty sure if they see something weird happening where I am, they just assume I caused it. Doesn't mean I'm eager to test the limits on it, though. You razing a few miles of the place probably would have been more than we could play off."

Shiro let him pull away, even if every fiber of his frame ached to hold on. Through it all, Tevis had kept their hands clasped. He used that connection to pull Shiro to his feet. "C'mon," he said. "Patrols are light near the gate right about now. We should get moving."

Shiro picked up Trespasser and followed him back across the Garden. They moved in comfortable silence until they reached the archway that led to the Gate. There, Tevis stopped so suddenly that Shiro stumbled for the force of the arm pulling him back.

"This is as far as I go," Tevis said. "Be careful coming out the other side."

Shiro held up their joined hands. "Forgetting something here?"

Tevis's jaw trembled. He unwound his grip slowly, like Shiro would disappear if he let go too quickly, then flexed his fingers and waved toward the gate like he was shooing Shiro through. "Get out of here," he muttered. The tension was back in his shoulders. He folded his arms across his chest, maybe to brace, or maybe in an effort to seem more like his old self. He just ended up looking miserable.

Shiro closed the small distance between them and dragged him in close. "Hey," Shiro murmured. "I'll come see you when I can, even if I don't have a way to get you out yet."

Tevis's forehead hit his chestplate with a dull thud. "No," he said. "Too risky."

"I wasn't asking, Tev."

Tevis grumbled something unintelligible under his breath and pushed away. Shiro clasped one of his hands between both of his own and squeezed, once. "You'll be okay here on your own until then?"

"Been fine for years," Tevis returned, but his flinch betrayed him. "Just - say goodbye to Cayde for me."

"I will."

Tevis nodded a voiceless thanks. "Remember what I told you, all right?" he said, and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "About being alive. Don't get so damn caught up in losing us that you forget we're glad you survived. And don't look back when you leave. Makes it harder."

Beyond them, the gate hummed to life. Shiro squeezed Tevis's hand one more time, then let go, and called on the Light. The arc energy bent around him in a rush. He turned and sprinted for the gate before he could think twice about it.

And if he looked back, just once before he stepped through, it wasn't like Tevis would know.

"I owe you an apology."

Suzume didn't answer him. It wasn't clear if she was just absorbed in parsing all of the scrolling data, or if she was ignoring him. The Iron Temple's workshop rung with her silence. "Suzume," Shiro said gently. "Talk to me?"

Suzume whirled around so suddenly he startled; then she hovered there, unmoving, for a long moment. "Never tell me to stay behind," she said. "And never put yourself at risk like that again. We're a team. Always."

Shiro patted her shell carefully. "I can do that," he said. "And I'm sorry."

"Also, I sent a message to Lord Saladin telling him everything."

"You what? "

"If you're going to do this, someone needs to know in case we get in over our heads. Cayde can't any more, so I asked Saladin." Suzume sounded remarkably matter-of-fact. Shiro almost wanted to be annoyed by it. "He should have received the message as soon as we landed, which means-"

The heavy door of the workshop swung open so quickly and with so much force that it slammed into the wall with a thunderous crash; a spiderweb crack formed in the stone behind it. Saladin strode through like a man surveying a battlefield. As soon as he caught sight of Shiro, his posture relaxed - from Commander to friend.

"I saw your ship in the hangar," Saladin said, coming to a stop at Shiro's side. He glanced over the table strewn with various weapon components, traditional books, stacks of datapads, and star chart projections. "You've been busy."

"You got Suzume's message," Shiro corrected, without looking up.

"That too." Saladin gingerly shifted a pile off the bench next to Shiro, then eased himself down. "I thought I'd find you here. Another reconstruction?"

Trespasser hummed steadily in his hands. "I just did a full rebuild. It doesn't need another one for a while. This was for a modification."

Saladin was quiet for a beat. "Did you find the vengeance you were looking for in the Black Garden?"

Shiro set his weapon aside. "No," he said. "But I'm glad I didn't."

"So am I."

Saladin didn't elaborate. Shiro spared him a glance. "Say what you came here to say."

"I came here to say that I'm glad you're still alive."

Saladin's tone was carefully neutral. Shiro turned to face him fully. "That's all? Even after Suzume's message?"

"You're going to pursue this regardless. I don't see the point in wasting my breath. However, there is a condition to my assistance."

Shiro cast him a wary look. "When I left the workshop before," Saladin started, "I thought that I was giving you the space you needed. That you would go to the City, or to an old hideout, to clear your head. It was only because Suzume transmitted your intended coordinates that I had any idea what you were planning to do, and by then, it was too late. Do not put me in that position again. Having to explain to the Vanguard why I required extraction from the Moon is not an experience I want to repeat."

Shiro started. "You followed me?"

"Not to stop you. Just to make sure that you came back in one piece. I had the unfortunate luck to run into some newly arrived Hive reinforcements - several Tomb ships' worth. They destroyed my ship, and I was never able to make it to the Battlegrounds."

Guilt curled in Shiro's chest like a vice. "I'm sorry," he said. "Are you all right?"

Saladin's hand fell on his shoulder and held tight. "There's no need for an apology. I'm no worse for wear."

Not this time. Next time, he could end up like Eris's fireteam, or one of the countless other Guardians haunting the Moon as a Nightmare. Shiro curled a hand into a fist. "Thank you for coming after me. It - means a lot."

"There's no need for thanks, either."

Shiro huffed a disbelieving laugh. "Can you be less of a pain in the ass for a minute? I'm trying to make amends."

Saladin's mouth curved into a small smile. "There's no need for amends," he said, and shifted his shoulders so his pauldron was toward Shiro to catch the half-hearted shove. "You will always have a home here in the Iron Temple, Shiro. And you will always have friends here, as well. You need only ask."

Warmth bloomed in Shiro's chest. "That's a relief. I thought I might have to kit my ship out to be a living space again."

Saladin arched an eyebrow. "Again?"

"Back when I was running with the pack, Cayde decided he hated the snow. He wouldn't go out in it unless he had full gear, and he wouldn't make camp with the rest of us if it was cold. All he said was it was bringing up memories he didn't understand and wanted to forget. I was the only one with a ship big enough to modify for it, so I did. We all wound up in there on every cold weather assignment afterwards."

"Do the cold and snow bother you as well?"

Shiro shrugged. "Can't really let it bother me when I live on a mountain."

Saladin tilted his head at him. "That wasn't an answer."

"It wasn't meant to be." Shiro paused. "I don't get whole pictures the way Cayde said he did. Just flashes. It's cold. I wake up. Something's wrong but I never know what. I feel like I have to get out, but there's nothing to run from. Maybe it's got something to do with the Crypt. Maybe it's something some other version of me went through. Maybe deep down, I just hate the way snow feels."

That earned him a soft chuckle. "Come with me," Saladin said, pushing himself to stand. "We'll light a torch in Cayde's honor. And you can tell me more about your pack."

Shiro stood to follow him. Trespasser was a steady weight in his palm. The modified core pulsed its new rhythm. Saladin glanced down at it, then back up at Shiro. "You never told me what you changed."

"I gave it a new charge distribution. It'll make the bursts more powerful."

"Are you going to give it a name?"

Shiro remembered the steady weight of Tevis's hand in own, of Andal's arm slung around his shoulders, of Cayde hanging off his back. He remembered the warmth of their smiles and the sound of their laughter and the simple peace of their presence. "I already did," he said, and the ache in his chest hurt a little less. "Unrepentant."

#destiny #shiro-4 #tevis larsen #cayde 6 #andal brask #saladin forge #destiny 2 #my writing

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