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crvptidgf · 2 years

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Can you write Gilbert x fem!reader courting Headcannons?

Gilbert Blythe x Reader

[FLUFF]

- - -

we all know Gilbert is a gentleman

he would never dare do or say anything to make you uncomfortable

that being said, he was always careful around you; whether it's a chaperoned meeting or not

for example the first time he suggested that he walk you home he made sure to choose his words wisely

"if you would like, could I please walk you home?" he said quietly so no one heard

he didn't want you to have the pressure of people watching you in case you didn't accept his offer

"you're more than welcome to decline," he added, a smile appearing on his face

he knew that sometimes the boys in the school felt entitled, so he feared that you would say yes out of politeness or necessity

however, you two almost being adults now and finishing school, he decided he would just make a move already, not even caring if he was rejected - at least that way he would know he needed to move on

"it would be my pleasure to have you escort me home," you responded

you had been waiting for this moment ever since Tilly had started getting noticed by boys

the two boys fighting over Tilly's attention caused a domino effect of all the guys acting on their affections

it was only a matter of time before Gilbert finally swallowed his pride and asked you

everybody had a subconscious inkling that they should not ask to walk you home - obviously Gilbert lay no claim over you, as did no one else, but it has been a long going theory that you two would end up together

so, as you two walked home, Gilbert holding your basket in his left hand, and your arm holding onto his right elbow, practically the whole school stood watching

whispers of "i knew it!" and "you owe me" could be heard amongst them

"alright, alright, everybody make your way home now," said miss stacey as she tried to get through the big group of students blocking the doorway

now onto the serious business

Gilbert had wanted to meet your parents as soon as possible since it was the proper and gentlemanly thing to do

he brought hand picked flowers for your mother, offering her a kind smile and a bow as he was welcomed inside

a beautiful pink tulip stood in his own jacket pocket as he presented it to you

"for the beautiful lady," he said

your parents, of course, loved him

there was nothing to dislike

him and your father babbled on about farm work and business plans

him and your mother talked about school and studies, him mentioning how he wanted to become a doctor

this undoubtedly impressed them

"a doctor! oh how pleasant - where are you planning to study?" they asked frantically

you begged them to not bombard him with questions but he assured you it was okay

the night ended with Gilbert promising to return, letting your mother know he would bring her some of Sebastian's spices for his next visit

come spring, Gilbert invited you to join him at the carnival

this was your first chaperoned visit outside the home, so it was quite a big deal

it was also the first time you'd officially confirm to Avonlea that you two were courting

you were nervous to say the least

you had worn your best dress, and finally being old enough, your mother helped you put on your corset

you looked positively sophisticated

your hat placed gently on your head, you climbed into the carriage, Gilbert grasping your hand in his to help you up as he followed soon after

it was no surprise to the citizens of Avonlea that you came together, however the presence of the Charlottetown people and others from beyond the county had made you feel overwhelmed

you hooked your arm around Gilbert's, letting him lead you deeper into the festivities

feeling your worry he placed his hand upon yours, squeezing it ever so slightly before letting go

the rest of the evening was filled with him competing in games just to win you little gifts

on one instance he came up to you, face smug with his hands hidden behind his back

"pick a side"

"hmm... left," you had said

he revealed his left hand, showing that it was empty

this was followed by him popping out his right hand with a little fluffy dog plushie as he shook it slightly in his hand

"wrong. i guess i get to keep it now," he said sarcastically

you laughed at his antics, slapping his arm affectionately

there was never a dull moment that day, especially with him complimenting you each and every moment

all of Avonlea (and more) now knew that you and Gilbert were taken, and if it wasn't obvious by anything else that i've said, it definitely became evident by the 5 millionth time that Gilbert would introduce you to people as "charming", "gorgeous", "lovely" or any other word in his expansive vocabulary

he is the king of praising istg he would not shut up about you the whole night

Gilbert made sure to always let you know that he only ever had his eyes on you, and that no woman could ever compare to you

he had a way to make you always feel special

whether it be finding flowers for you, cooking for you, helping you study, etc.

your first ever unchaperoned visit came a while after

it was after you guys had graduated and received your exam results

your parents felt you were old and mature enough, and they trusted Gilbert wholeheartedly to let you finally have tea together

Gilbert decided to take you to a beautiful café in Charlottetown called Great Aunt Anne's

he of course insisted on paying even though you told him it wasn't necessary

"what kind of a future husband would I be if I didn't make sure my lady was taken care of?"

future husband

at this you blushed deeply, just now realizing that he planned on proposing eventually

it didn't hit you until now but this newfound knowledge made you excited for your future with him

the date consisted of many laughs and jokes, your conversations leading you anywhere and everywhere

once dessert arrived he plucked a piece of whipped cream off his pie and smushed it onto your nose, laughing as he did so

"so childish, Blythe," you had said

at the end he escorted you home on the train, and waited with you for your carriage to come

you told him you'd be okay on your own from here but he didn't feel comfortable making you go home on your own

so as he walked you to your door, his hand itching to hold yours, he stopped you in your tracks to turn you towards him

"I meant what I said," he started, "I do intend to marry you one day. maybe not now, or any time soon, but if you'll have me, I will make you a promise that one day I will be yours forever"

he leaned in slowly, his hand reaching to the back of your neck as he pulled you in

"can I?"

with a hasty nod, you pulled him in by his jacket, your lips finally meeting in desperation

you had waited so long to do that

and now as you went to your bedroom, giddy as a schoolgirl, you plopped onto your bed and sighed

being future Mrs. Blythe sounded really good to you...

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banisheed · 8 months

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TIMING: Before Jasper lost his face LOCATION: Shimmering Sky Bar PARTIES: Siobhan (@banisheed) & Jasper (@eatdearth) CONTENT: (alcoholism tw) some implications to alcoholism, alcohol consumption is heavily involved SUMMARY: Siobhan invites her best friend* Jasper out for some drinks, which he's never had before. They talk. And then Jasper really talks. *she thought it would be funny to say he was her best friend. The verdict is still out on if it was funny

Siobhan could count the things she knew about Jasper on one hand: he seemed boring, he had great hair and he had, for some reason, accepted her admission that they were best friends. She’d said it to annoy him and yet, he didn’t seem very annoyed at all by the sudden statement. Siobhan didn’t know what that meant. Was he lonely? Did he want to make friends that badly? Or did he truly not care? There was also the possibility that Jasper was playing her for a fool; that while she intended to annoy him, he had planned to annoy her back by not being annoyed. Jasper didn’t strike her as the type to be masterminding an entire scheme from the shadows, but what did she know? She thought it was impossible that anyone could have gone through life without sampling a cocktail, but some people also considered her as someone who drank too much. Maybe her opinion didn’t matter but what did those people know?

The Shimmering Sky Bar was thankfully devoid of any usual bustle, so no one was privy to Siobhan grumbling into her cosmopolitan about imaginary arguments. Of course, except for the bartender who shot her several concerned looks down the bar. She’d asked Jasper to meet her here as she assumed there would be no better place for fancy cocktails but she’d also shown up early just to get a few extra drinks in. When Jasper did show up, she was already a little flushed and very friendly. “Jaspie!” She called out to him like he actually was her best friend. She ran up and gave him a hug like he was one too. “This way.” She gestured to the bar. “I got us the best views of the, uh…” She then gestured out the windows, at the lush greenery around them and the distant landmarks of the range. “You live somewhere around here, don’t you?” She took a seat at the bar, patting the stool beside her. “How are you feeling?”

—

Jasper had always thought Doctor Dolan was attractive. But that was about it. Any other thoughts he might have had regarding that matter, he chose to not entertain further. Because professionalism. But the fact was, Jasper was a pretty lonely guy, which meant it was almost second nature for him to think everyone else was attractive, especially if they were new, especially if they hadn’t yet had the displeasure of hearing about the rumors that were plaguing his occasionally forgotten reputation: Dude was awkward “af” that he was basically socially inept and he lived in the mountains alone. He wasn’t exactly someone anyone else would invite to a “rager” or whatever. So when Doctor Dolan invited him out for drinks, calling him her best friend, he was beyond ecstatic. A night out with a gorgeous woman? Best day of his life.

“Doctor— I mean, Shiv!” Jasper feigned, awkwardly at that, an air of being nonchalant. He wanted to seem like he had just arrived, that he was thinking of not even showing up in the first place, even though he had been there a few minutes earlier than the arranged time, pacing in a dark alley while trying to hype himself up for this “date.” It wasn’t, of course, but Jasper was too lonely and socially repressed to know the difference. Case in point: He reacted to the hug a little too late, tried to hug her back but she was already leading her to the bar, so he just pretended nothing ever happened. “You look good,” he fumbled as soon as his lips parted, the words seemingly pushing against each other as they tried to escape his mouth. “I mean, the view looks good… You also look good! You and the view both look good? Professionally speaking, of course.”

“Hmm? Oh, I, uhm, I’m feeling…rather…well,” Jasper feigned a cough as he sat on the offered stool, leaning on his arms on the countertop, a huge goofy grin on his face as he looked around for no real reason than the fact that he hadn’t been there, and if he even had, it was definitely not with a lovely lady. “How about you, Doctor—Shiv?”

—

“I always look good,” Siobhan said quickly: an automatic response to being complimented. Of course, she did also preen a little--touched by Jasper’s display of common sense. Yes, yes she was attractive and she was very keen on everyone knowing it. “You look…” Jasper wasn’t unattractive--to say so would be an obvious lie--but she also thought he carried himself like he was worried his mother would scold him for being out too late. “You look hot,” she settled on, patting his shoulder in hopes that she could pass on even a shred of her abundant confidence to him. She smirked. “Professionally speaking, of course.”

Siobhan wondered for a moment, watching Jasper smile, if he was actually several children wearing the suit of a man. It would explain things. What things, exactly, she didn’t know but it certainly felt like things would be explained if Jasper was somehow not who he said he was. Was this another attempt at demoralizing her? Of ruining her game? Not only was he not annoyed that she was overly familiar, he seemed to be thrilled about it. “Well, I’m so happy to be out with my best friend.” She tested the waters, waiting for a flicker of annoyance or disapproval to cross his face. “Bestest bestest friend.” She grinned widely, too widely, and immediately she decided she needed drinks.

She waved the bartender down, “Shirley Temple right? You mentioned it, why not try it?” Siobhan ordered two Dirty Shirleys and prayed they would come with lightning pace. “You know, I was just thinking, you’re my bestest friend and I hardly know a thing about you. Other than the fact you lick rocks, of course.” Again, she waited.

—

‘Oh, no, are we gonna fuck?’ was the first thing that came to Jasper’s mind when Siobhan called him ‘hot,’ though he immediately tried to chase that unprofessional thought away with a mental head shake. It was a combination of a lot of things that gave birth to that stupid thought: (1) the fact that no one has ever called him ‘hot,’ not even the girls that he was dating individually; (2) it has been a while since he’s had intercourse or even been intimate with anyone; and (3) he forgot for a moment that the word ‘hot’ could also refer to a high degree of heat or temperature. Like a fever, which this whole exchange was beginning to seem to him. A fever dream, more precisely.

The concern from that now-dissipated thought did not come from not wanting the possibility, too, as even a dunce would realize that Jasper would do it with a pole if it was wearing a skirt…or however that hilarious but hurtful remark from Professor Nancy Go went. No, it was more the fact that he and Siobhan were coworkers, and Jasper thought that being intimate with a coworker never ends well. Case in point: Him and Nancy, who has now taken to his home as her second home despite the fact that they were no longer being intimate. If only he could just tell her off. Then again, he couldn’t even tell his late uncle’s dog off for being such a snooty snoot to him.

“Yes,” Jasper heaved a sigh of relief when Siobhan established the parameters of their ‘relationship,’ though a small part of him was a bit disappointed. “Best friend,” he reiterated the term to drill the same into his often uncooperative brain. Well, the social part of it. Some days Jasper was a hair away from being one of those villainous turds in She-Hulk, a show which he actually loves, by the way. Fortunately for him, today was not one of those days.

“Bestest best friend!” Another mental sigh of relief before Jasper nodded at the drink choice, sheepishly grinning like an apologetic child whose hand was just caught in the cookie jar by his mother, before shaking his head in protest at that last bit. “Well, actually, I don’t lick rocks. My tongue’s reserved for licking something else. Like stamps. Or ice cream. Popsicles? Anyway, what would you like to know? Most of the things about me are on my personnel file or the university faculty website, anyway.” Weird way to say he was boring and uninteresting but it wasn’t the worst way he could have gone about it.

—

“Or licking pu--” Siobhan stopped herself, looking at Jasper. She wasn’t sure how well the joke would land and, anyway, she wasn’t entirely convinced that Jasper wasn’t actually a child. Somehow. “I don’t read things on the internet.” Siobhan waved her hands around. “There’s too many words and not all of them are true.” Mostly, it was that the large majority of words on the internet were written by humans and if Siobhan wanted to puncture her brain with the continued stupidity of humanity, she’d assign essays to her class. She avoided them for a reason. “You’re here now, aren’t you?” She nudged Jasper, smiling brilliantly. “Why don’t I hear it from your cute mouth?” She pinched his cheek. No, that was his real skin. She supposed he was just one of those weird humans; the sort that grew up all wrong.

The drinks arrived too slow for Siobhan’s liking, but their presence was welcome. “In actuality, a Shirely Temple isn’t an alcoholic drink,” she said with a laugh, as though she’d ever willingly order something without alcohol. “Not this one though. Cheers, love.” She didn’t wait to clink her glass against his, taking the first full and quick sip. Ginger Ale and Grenadine was a sweet mix, the presence of vodka was hardly noticeable under all the sugar. The cherry was a welcome addition. She hummed, her cold skin slowly warming. Quickly, she ordered two Bloody Mary’s: the other drink Jasper had mentioned. “What do you think, Jaspie?” She took another long sip. The more she drank, the less she would question why she was doing this.

Against her best efforts, it really did seem like Jasper wanted to be here and would have fun. None of that was Siobhan’s intention.

—

If Jasper had a drink sloshing in his mouth hole, he would have spat it all out when he realized what Siobhan was about to say before she cut herself off. It took him a second, sure, but he realized it as soon as he could. Eyes wide in horror, he couldn’t help but stare at Siobhan because of that, his cheeks flushing red, before turning away and feigning a cough to save himself from more unprofessional thoughts. “That’s fair,” Jasper swallowed air.

Even before Siobhan pinched his cheek, he was already feeling uncomfortable…but in a good way, if that was even a thing, which it probably isn’t, which just means that Jasper did indeed grow up wrong. Hard to grow up right when he was raised by the same uncle that slaughtered the rest of his family without Jasper’s knowing because said uncle feared their magic bloodline was the cause for all the weird shit in town, which of course wasn’t. But, hey! She called his mouth cute. That’s something, right? “I mean, I don’t lick rocks, so that’s one thing. I have a dog? Val, short for Valentine, but technically, she was my late uncle’s, so I guess I just inherited her…among other things. You do already know I live by myself, with my dog, in the mountains, I think?”

“Oh, it isn’t?” Jasper was genuinely flummoxed, a word he was reacquainted with just the past week and has not taken a liking to, which means he will most likely use that same word a lot in his next few classes. “I’ve always thought it was.” Jasper watched her take her drink, his eyes subconsciously fixated on his lips as he swallowed air, feeling his own throat dry up, constrict on its own volition. “I think that’s hot,” he blurted out before catching himself, immediately taking a sip of his own drink to conceal his stupidity to little avail. “I mean, uhm, it’s delicious… You’re delicious… This drink is delicious!” And it was, which surprised him. It wasn’t like he didn’t think he’d like the drink. It was more like he didn’t think it would be that good. “Oh, this really is delicious! Shirley, you’ve surely created magic here! I think I’m in love!”

—

Siobhan tried to listen to Jasper, but he was doing that thing humans often did where they were unbearably boring and her alcohol was doing the thing where it wasn’t working fast enough. She stared down at her drink, noticing it was empty. When had that happened? Siobhan looked back up at Jasper, smiling tightly. “Surely you must have some hobbies,” she said. “There has to be more to my bestest friend ever than his dog and his house and the fact that he’s lonely—sorry, lives alone. Slip of the tongue.” She stuck her out, laughing as though she really cared about the error. She sloshed the ice around her glass. This was why she stabbed people, stabbing people always made them interesting. Unfortunately, she didn’t think it was wise to attack a colleague in a public space.

The Bloody Marys came down quick and Siobhan took hers before Jasper had even sipped his Dirty Shirley. “Hot? No, these are cold drinks. Do you want something hot, Jaspie?” She could probably order one, even if nothing came to mind right away. The more drinks she got the better, she needed Jasper to become interesting as soon as possible. The knife she kept strapped to her thigh burned against her flesh, begging for use. All she needed to do was reach through the slit of her dress and… “In love so soon? You should get higher standards.” She chuckled, the desire to stab him subsiding temporarily as she found the outburst adorable, in that way a dog chasing someone around for a treat was. Her preoccupation with violence had left her unaware of Jasper's slip-ups and staring. “This one is vodka and tomato juice and a variety of other things I can’t be arsed to remember. Cheers!” Again, she didn’t wait for him before taking a sip. “It’s more of a savoury one,” Siobhan explained. “I’m not sure if you’ll be so in love with this one.”

—

“I have a massive pe—” Jasper cut himself off, realizing his little joke might land him in hot water if he continued. Siobhan seemed like she could take the joke. Pun intended. If that was even a pun. But would Jasper risk his only source of joy, his only semblance of life, his only…hobby, for a few seconds of a chuckle? He’d rather not. “—atience. I am very patient. Not a hobby, but that’s something more to me, I think.” Weird, flimsy train of thought, but that was all he had before he took another sip of his drink. “Don’t be,” he shrugged off what most people would consider an insult. Or at least take offense to. It wasn’t wrong, anyway. He was lonely, and it wasn’t just because he lived alone. He was very lonely. “You have a pretty tongue, I mean you weren’t wrong.”

Another feigned cough to hide his slow descent into drunkenness. It was just one drink, barely even down to two-thirds, but Jasper was already feeling the alcohol. “It already feels hot,” he omitted the realization that the sensation was all within him. If it was even real. Could just be him. His mind playing tricks on him. The placebo effect. Because he thought the drink could make him drunk, he started feeling drunk. That sort of thing. “A lonely man can’t afford standards, Shibby,” he heaved a sigh, shaking his head, forcing his eyes into each socket before opening them as wide as he could, all while his head was down toward the table. “You had me at vodka!” He chuckled and downed as much as he could of the new drink, barely surviving the result. “You do this often? Drink these things?”

—

Siobhan thought she heard a joke, carried through the mumble of the bar around them. She stared at Jasper, wondering if he had the strength to finish it. No. Pity. Jasper as he stood now, or sat in actuality, was quickly gaining in mundanity. It wasn’t his fault he was boring, Siobhan thought the vast majority of humans were. He wasn’t saying anything riveting. She wanted the ‘hot goss’ as the humans said; the details so juicy Jasper hardly admitted them to himself. She couldn’t expect him to just talk, he needed to be lubed up—metaphorically. “I do have a pretty tongue,” she smiled at him. “Would you like to see something else that’s pretty?” Siobhan tugged on her gloves, setting them aside. With a shrug, her leather jacket fell away, hanging on the back of the stool. She maintained her glamour well, despite the alcohol; it was imperative that Jasper not see her scars and, as she was finding his lack of scandalous information boring, the concentration gave her something to do. Her dress, low-cut, was sleeveless and she pointed to her now bare arms. “Here are the ulna and the radius.” Siobhan traced each bone, showing Jasper where they sat under her skin. “And here’s the radial artery, where you can take my pulse.” She paused. “Do you want to?” As a banshee, there wasn’t much of a pulse to take, but she hoped his drunken stumbling around her arm to figure out why he wasn’t feeling a regular pulse would disarm him enough to be interesting.

Siobhan smiled, watching a tipsy flush reach Jasper’s face. She was feeling more inclined to be friendly, a little bold, but the more she drank, the more she thought she started to feel like herself. Sharp white canine teeth glistened when she smiled. “I do. You could call it an Irish tradition, but don’t say that to anyone that’s Irish. Except me, of course. You can tell me anything.” Siobhan’s grin expanded, pulling up into her cheeks. “Don’t you want to tell your best friend some very personal information? Something that will bring us closer? Don’t you want that, Jaspie?” And please, for the love of Death, she prayed it wouldn’t be another remark about his dog or his virtue of patience.

—

“Yes, and yes,” Jasper responded with zero hesitation and a passionate nodding of his head. He still took his time, however, despite his one-sided battle with alcohol. In his head, he was getting way too drunk, though he didn’t care: He was with a lovely woman. What better reason to be drunk? In reality, however, barely a single drink should make him drunk. If not for his subconscious willingness to hasten the process for the possibility of more intimate rewards, he would be more sober than a priest in the middle of his own mass in the Vatican with all the other priests watching him keenly. Siobhan’s offer was why Jasper was glad he wasn’t actually a priest.

As soon as he could, he immediately went to work, though he hesitated actually touching her. It could be a trap, meant to seduce him, and when his guard was lowered, while he was caught in such a scandalous position, she could scream and call him names and get him fired from his job, ruining his life forever. But a stolen glimpse at Siobhan’s alluring eyes made Jasper think she would do no such thing, so he smiled, ever the fool, happy to be one, glad to be tied around her pinky finger, and savored every contact he could make with her skin, her bone, her…pulse. Man, am I so drunk, I can’t even feel a pulse? “That’s weird,” he hiccuped. “I can’t find your pulse.” Maybe it’s in her left breast—icle, clavicle. Fuck! Even ‘drunk’, he wasn’t that rude. Or evil.

“You’re Irish?” Jasper absentmindedly blurted as he continued trying to find her pulse, as if he just needed more time to find it. Typical guy thing—if you know, you know. What Jasper should have known was the answer to his question. Her name was a dead giveaway. It was the only Irish name he knew how to spell. He made a note of that in his head after meeting a lovely Irish girl in the UK while at a seminar, the geology professor too scared to make the jump despite the many pushes she had given him, some even outright, including an invitation to her room on the final night they would ever see each other again. “What do you mean?” He asked, a lingering concern in his voice, as if he was about to get attacked by a hidden monster. Or reminded of a haunting regret in his love life. “Like my bank details? You’d be disappointed, but also you’d have to buy me dinner first. Jasper H. Langston is not an easy lay!” Nor is he a good one, his sober brain added, much to his faux drunkenness’ dismay.

—

“I have an accen—You know what, it’s probably just hard to tell where I’m from.” Siobhan forced herself to smile, watching Jasper fumble around her arm. She maintained concentration, picturing how her skin once was and how her wings once fluttered. Her hand snapped over Jasper’s, anchoring him to her cold skin. She grinned sharply, with all the excitement of a cat capturing a mouse. “Not your bank details…” Although the offer was tempting; how many cups of yogurt could she buy under his name? It wasn’t entirely necessary, as much fun as it would be, Siobhan had more than enough money between her salary, credit cards, and the men whose bank details she did steal. Siobhan leaned into him. “Something secretive, Jaspie. Something you’ve never told anyone.” There were probably more tactful ways to go about stealing secrets, but Siobhan didn’t particularly care. She thought Jasper was drunk anyway, never mind the reality that she’d had much, much more than him and was certainly feeling it. “Something you’re afraid to say; don’t worry; would I ever tell anyone?” She would probably tell someone. “It can be our secret.” It wouldn’t be. “Who would I tell, anyway?” This part was true, and did reveal that even though Siobhan had no respect for the secrets of humans, she didn’t have any friends (except Metzli) and thus, had no one to share the hot goss of Jasper’s life with.

Siobhan reached for her drink, downing the last of her Bloody Mary. “I just think…we’re such good friends aren’t we? I let you find my pulse—that’s my heart—and what are you giving me? You told me about your dog! I don’t want to know about your dog.” Siobhan leaned in again, displaying every drop of alcohol on her breath—which was otherwise minty fresh (she enjoyed a good mint). “Come on, Jaspie.”

—

“I mean, yeah, I just thought you were from Boston or something,” Jasper shrugged, before he was caught by surprise when Siobhan unexpectedly grabbed his hand. His eyes, wide in shock, warily searched for hers, and when they met, the geology professor could only gulp. She had pretty eyes, that was the first thing that came to his mind, before her words slowly made their mark in his brain.

“I…have never slept with someone who wasn’t in a relationship with me,” the words started to spill from his mouth, like an unsuspecting leak on a pipe in someone’s basement. She wanted secrets, right? Something he’d never told anyone. Well, Jasper had a lot of them, and all of them he’d never told anyone. Or at least that’s what he believed in his supposedly drunken state. Truth was, Jasper’s lips loosen every time he was out of his mind, even when he only believed so.

“I’ve been trying to learn magic but I suck at it… I lost my childhood friend in the mines and have been trying to find her still, even though she’s probably already found her way out and moved on with her life or dead and eaten by whatever’s down there, if there’s even things down there… I love pineapples on my pizza and hot sauce on my ice cream… I do think some of my students are hot, but I would never… I also think you’re hot and you’re so close to me right now and you smell so good and feel so good…” Throughout his word vomit, or is it words vomit?, Jasper found himself unable to look away from Siobhan, as if enthralled. While the jury might still be debating on whether Jasper H. Langston was in fact an easy lay, there was no doubt right now that he was definitely an easy prey.

—

For the moment, Siobhan could ignore that Jasper thought she was from Boston (she actually liked Boston, she’d had great clam chowder there and at least seven murders she was proud of). She could ignore that Jasper had never slept with anyone he wasn’t in a relationship with, which was a very boring slice of information but as soon as he said that, she could tell they were finally getting somewhere. And then he went on. Magic, mines, pineapples, hot sauce, students—that last one made Siobhan’s nose wrinkle which was quickly appeased by being told she was hot. Of course, it meant less when it came after a sentence where he admitted some students were hot, but Siobhan was always hungry for compliments.

Siobhan snapped her hand away and slipped her jacket back on. “So, you’re a…witch then, are you?” She went to take a sip of her drink, then realized there was nothing in there, then got sad. She set it back down with a disappointed clink. “A very shite witch?” Was this an interesting fact or just the only one that provided any use to her? “D’you get yourself a teacher?” She slurred a little, leaning back into her stool. She played around with the other details in her head, trying to figure out how to file them away. “Your friend went into the mines…” she repeated. “…and you don’t know if she’s dead or alive?” As a banshee, she was uniquely capable of figuring out if someone had died but the process wasn't as easy as thinking really hard about it. She’d have to travel the mines, sorting through all the visions of death that lingered there until she found one that matched his friend; the process was tedious and with a place as large as the network of underground tunnels, it wasn’t likely she’d ever find the spot. And, more importantly, it would involve wanting to help Jasper; that was the larger hurdle to jump.

“Can’t you magic a location spell?” Siobhan waved her hand around in the air. “Sprinkle sage in one of her old shoes and go ‘where is she’ and let the tea leaves show you or whatever it is you witches do these days. Back in my day, it was a lot of herbal nonsense and chalk-drawn sigils. These days maybe you witches have got an app for this.” She tapped her finger against the bar counter. “Oh, sorry.” She patted Jasper’s arm. “I’m not going to sleep with you—you’re not my type, too pathetic—but valiant effort with the compliments, Jaspie.” Now that she has squeezed what she wanted out of Jasper, she only lingered to see if he’d offer anything else up. With her hands gripping the counter, she was ready to leave as soon as he mentioned his dog again.

—

A witch? Jasper did a double take. Visually. With his head and neck and shoulders and upper body. Moving a bit away from Siobhan, as if he was disgusted at the thought of being called a witch. “I wouldn’t call myself a witch…” The immediate image in his head was that of a hag, and having forgotten in that moment in time how hot Marvel’s Wanda Maximoff was, he recoiled at the idea of himself being a hag. Maybe if he had better mentors, a magical one, he’d realize that hags are very, very sexy these days. Like Anne Hathaway in that movie he never actually saw. “Shit....e, yes, but not…”

“...no, no teacher unfortunately…” He heaved a very audible sigh before remembering he did get those ‘lessons’ from that weird guy. “I mean, not an actual teacher, but there was this guy who showed me the basics…” What was his name again? Johnny? Johnny Jones? Not Johnny Cage, that one’s a much cooler guy. And also white…r? Anyway, Jasper just had to squint at Siobhan when she mentioned his friend but then remembered, regretfully so, that he had shared that information just seconds ago after a moment of weakness. “Yes,” he swallowed air, feeling his throat suddenly deprived of moisture. “But that was a long time ago. We were kids… I’m still holding hope she’s down there somewhere, still alive… Weirder things have happened.” Like a very attractive woman taking to him as her best friend.

“I…don’t know a single location spell,” Jasper grew red in embarrassment. He’s already admitted he was a shit spellcaster but actually displaying how much of a shit spellcaster he was was, well, a bit worse. “I can only do, like, rock spells. Levitating rocks… Throwing stones without touching said stones…” What was even the point of him being a spellcaster, he realized that then and there. “Oh, I mean, I didn’t,” he started to laugh awkwardly, trying to salvage what remained of his broken heart and equally broken ego by brushing that very patheticness aside. “...I was just saying you are very, very beautiful, but I would never…sleep with a colleague.” Jasper took a sip of his drink but almost stabbed his upper lip, the rim of the glass clanging against his teeth. “I mean, I already did and that didn’t work out, so…Plus, I’m already taking care of my uncle’s dog, so no room for more, hehehe…” Looks like it’s back to his right hand tonight. And the rest of his nights.

—

“Rock spells? Like The Rolling Stones spell.” Siobhan paused, waiting for laughter. Thankfully her delusional mind came with its own laugh track. Would she have use for a rock witch? She thought about it. Maybe he could help her landscape? Maybe she could get him to throw rocks at people for her amusement? She tapped her chin, imagining the multitude of ways to indenture Jasper into her service. In the end, she decided he wasn’t very useful. What kind of witch was a rock witch anyway? As much as she made fun of them, maybe she did miss the witches that made the weird herbal potions, at least they were fun. And all of them had bathtub booze of their own, which never tasted like anything Siobhan had had before or would have ever again. And then, it happened. Siobhan looked at him, blinking, hoping it had been some cruel joke. No, it happened. He did it.

He talked about his dog.

Siobhan pushed up out of her seat, nearly knocking the stool over. She took a wad of crumbled bills out of her pocket and slapped them down, hoping it was enough to pay for them both but knowing it probably wasn’t. “I have to go,” she announced, straightening herself up. “If I hear you talk about one more horribly mundane topic again, I’m going to explode. Do you think I asked you here to talk about your dog? Does anyone want to talk about your dog?” She laid her hand on his shoulder. “Jasper. Jaspie.” She pinched his cheek softly. “You’re so cute. You’re my best friend, because I said so, so we’re making it so. I think if you talked less you’d have more, as the humans say, bitches. As a woman who grew up around women, I think I should reject the term. As a drunk, I will not. Get bitches, eat money, lick rocks, whatever it is they say. But please, for the love of Death, don’t talk about your uncle’s dog.” She leaned into him, pressing a swift kiss to his forehead before she dashed away, running as fast as she could in her high heels just in case he decided to mention the dog again.

She wouldn’t be able to handle another second of Jasper.

#jasper made me laugh so hard #every line of his is golden #im still screaming about it #c: jasper #writing #s1 #shirley temple #alcoholism tw

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