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ucflibrary · 3 years

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Pride Month has arrived!

While every day is a time to be proud of your identity and orientation, June is that extra special time for boldly celebrating with and for the LGBTQIA+ community (yes, there are more than lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender folx in the queer community). June was chosen to honor the Stonewall Riots which happened in 1969. Like other celebratory months, LGBT Pride Month started as a weeklong series of events and expanded into a full month of festivities.

2021 is also the 5th anniversary of the Pulse nightclub shooting in Orlando where 49 members of our community were murdered on June 12, 2016. On the main floor of the John C. Hitt Library there will be display cases with items from the University Archives relating to Pulse memorials as well as a display wall honoring the lives lost. Both of these library memorials were created in partnership with UCF LGBTQ Services. UCF will also be hosting several events in June to help the community remember, grieve and grow stronger. Full listing of events is available on the Pulse Remembrance event calendar.

Additional Pulse memorial events will be hosted by the onePULSE Foundation. An memorial archival collection from the first anniversary of the shooting can be found as part of the Resilience: Remembering Pulse in the STARS Citizen Curator collection.

In honor of Pride Month, UCF Library faculty and staff suggested books from the UCF collection that represent a wide array of queer authors and characters. Click on the read more link below to see the full list, descriptions, and catalog links. There is also an extensive physical display on the main floor of the John C. Hitt Library near the Research & Information Desk.

All Adults Here by Emma Straub Emma Straub's unique alchemy of wisdom, humor, and insight come together in a deeply satisfying story about adult siblings, aging parents, high school boyfriends, middle school mean girls, the lifelong effects of birth order, and all the other things that follow us into adulthood, whether we like them to or not. Suggested by Rachel Mulvihill, Downtown Library

All the Young Men: a memoir of love, AIDS, and chosen family in the American South by Ruth Coker Burks & Kevin Carr O'Leary A gripping and triumphant tale of human compassion, is the true story of Ruth Coker Burks, a young single mother in Hot Springs, Arkansas, who finds herself driven to the forefront of the AIDS crisis, and becoming a pivotal activist in America’s fight against AIDS. Suggested by Megan Haught, Student Learning & Engagement/Research & Information Services

And the Band Played On: politics, people and the AIDS epidemic by Randy Shilts An international bestseller, a nominee for the National Book Critics Circle Award, and made into a critically acclaimed movie, Shilts' expose revealed why AIDS was allowed to spread unchecked during the early 80's while the most trusted institutions ignored or denied the threat. One of the few true modern classics, it changed and framed how AIDS was discussed in the following years. Suggested by Becky Hammond, Special Collections & University Archives

Big Gay Adventures in Education: supporting LGBT+ visibility and inclusion in schools edited by Daniel Tomlinson-Gray A collection of true stories by 'out' teachers, and students of 'out' teachers, all about their experiences in schools. The book aims to empower LGBT+ teachers to be the role models they needed when they were in school and help all teachers and school leaders to promote LGBT+ visibility and inclusion. Each story is accompanied by an editor’s note reflecting on the contributor’s experience and the practical implications for schools and teachers in supporting LGBT+ young people and ensuring they feel safe and included in their school communities. Suggested by Terrie Sypolt, Research & Information Services

Call Me By Your Name by André Aciman The sudden and powerful attraction between a teenage boy and a summer guest at his parents' house on the Italian Riviera has a profound and lasting influence that will mark them both for a lifetime. Suggested by Rebecca Hawk, Circulation

Fun Home: a family tragicomic by Alison Bechdel Meet Alison's father, a historic preservation expert and obsessive restorer of the family's Victorian house, a third-generation funeral home director, a high school English teacher, an icily distant parent, and a closeted homosexual who, as it turns out, is involved with male students and a family babysitter. Through narrative that is alternately heartbreaking and fiercely funny, we are drawn into a daughter's complex yearning for her father. And yet, apart from assigned stints dusting caskets at the family-owned 'fun home, ' as Alison and her brothers call it, the relationship achieves its most intimate expression through the shared code of books. When Alison comes out as homosexual herself in late adolescence, the denouement is swift, graphic, and redemptive. Suggested by Michael Furlong, UCF Connect Libraries

Gender Queer: a memoir by Maia Kobabe; colors by Phoebe Kobabe In 2014, Maia Kobabe, who uses e/em/eir pronouns, thought that a comic of reading statistics would be the last autobiographical comic e would ever write. At the time, it was the only thing e felt comfortable with strangers knowing about em. Maia's intensely cathartic autobiography charts eir journey of self-identity, which includes the mortification and confusion of adolescent crushes, grappling with how to come out to family and society, bonding with friends over erotic gay fanfiction, and facing the trauma and fundamental violation of pap smears. Started as a way to explain to eir family what it means to be nonbinary and asexual, this is more than a personal story: it is a useful and touching guide on gender identity--what it means and how to think about it--for advocates, friends, and humans everywhere. Suggested by Megan Haught, Student Learning & Engagement/Research & Information Services

Heaven's Coast: a memoir by Mark Doty The harmonious partnership of two gay men is shattered when they learn that one has tested positive for the HIV virus. Suggested by Claudia Davidson, Downtown Library

Hurricane Child by Kheryn Callender Born on Water Island in the Virgin Islands during a hurricane, which is considered bad luck, twelve-year-old Caroline falls in love with another girl--and together they set out in a hurricane to find Caroline's missing mother. Suggested by Rebecca Hawk, Circulation

Last Night at the Telegraph Club by Malinda Lo Seventeen-year-old Lily Hu can't remember exactly when the question took root, but the answer was in full bloom the moment she and Kathleen Miller walked under the flashing neon sign of a lesbian bar called the Telegraph Club. America in 1954 is not a safe place for two girls to fall in love, especially not in Chinatown. Red-Scare paranoia threatens everyone, including Chinese Americans like Lily. With deportation looming over her father--despite his hard-won citizenship--Lily and Kath risk everything to let their love see the light of day. Suggested by Claudia Davidson, Downtown Library

Laura Dean Keeps Breaking Up with Me by Mariko Tamaki & Rosemary Valero-O’Connell All Freddy Riley wants is for Laura Dean to stop breaking up with her. The day they got together was the best one of Freddy's life, but nothing's made sense since. Laura Dean is popular, funny, and SO CUTE ... but she can be really thoughtless, even mean. Their on-again, off-again relationship has Freddy's head spinning - and Freddy's friends can't understand why she keeps going back. When Freddy consults the services of a local mystic, the mysterious Seek-Her, she isn't thrilled with the advice she receives. But something's got to give: Freddy's heart is breaking in slow motion, and she may be about to lose her very best friend as well as her last shred of self-respect. Mariko Tamaki and Rosemary Valero-O'Connell bring to life a sweet and spirited tale of young love that asks us to consider what happens when we ditch the toxic relationships we crave to embrace the heathy ones we need. Suggested by Sara Duff, Acquisitions & Collections

LGBT Health: meeting the needs of gender and sexual minorities edited by K. Bryant Smalley, Jacob C. Warren, K. Nikki Barefoot A first-of-its-kind, comprehensive view of mental, medical, and public health conditions within the LGBT community. This book examines the health outcomes and risk factors that gender and sexual minority groups face while simultaneously providing evidence-based clinical recommendations and resources for meeting their health needs. Drawing from leading scholars and practitioners of LGBT health, this holistic, centralized text synthesizes epidemiologic, medical, psychological, sociological, and public health research related to the origins of, current state of, and ways to improve LGBT health. Suggested by Sandy Avila, Research & Information Services

Lived Experience: reflections on LGBTQ life by Delphine Diallo A beautiful series of full-color portraits of LGBTQ people over the age of fifty, accompanied by interviews. Suggested by Jacqui Johnson, Cataloging

Love is for Losers by Wibke Bruggemann When Phoebe's mother ditches her to work as a doctor for an international human rights organization, she is stuck living with her mom's best friend, Kate, and helping out at Kate's thrift shop. There she meet Emma. Phoebe tries to shield her head and her heart from experiencing love-- after all, love is for losers, right? Suggested by Pam Jaggernauth, Curriculum Materials Center

Man Into Woman: an authentic record of a change of sex edited by Niels Hoyer This riveting account of the transformation of the Danish painter Einar Wegener into Lili Elbe is a remarkable journey from man to woman. Einar Wegener was a leading artist in late 1920's Paris. One day his wife Grete asked him to dress as a woman to model for a portrait. It was a shattering event which began a struggle between his public male persona and emergent female self, Lili. Einar was forced into living a double life; enjoying a secret hedonist life as Lili, with Grete and a few trusted friends, whilst suffering in public as Einar, driven to despair and almost to suicide. Doctors, unable to understand his condition, dismissed him as hysterical. Lili eventually forced Einar to face the truth of his being - he was, in fact, a woman. This bizarre situation took an extraordinary turn when it was discovered that his body contained primitive female sex organs. There followed a series of dangerous experimental operations and a confrontation with the conventions of the age until Lili was eventually liberated from Einar - a freedom that carried the ultimate price. Suggested by Richard Harrison, Research & Information Services

On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong This is a letter from a son to a mother who cannot read. Written when the speaker, Little Dog, is in his late twenties, the letter unearths a family's history that began before he was born -- a history whose epicenter is rooted in Vietnam -- and serves as a doorway into parts of his life his mother has never known, all of it leading to an unforgettable revelation. At once a witness to the fraught yet undeniable love between a single mother and her son, it is also a brutally honest exploration of race, class, and masculinity. Suggested by Rachel Mulvihill, Downtown Library

Queer Objects edited by Chris Brickell & Judith Collard Queer lives give rise to a vast array of objects: the things we fill our houses with, the gifts we share with our friends, the commodities we consume at work and at play, the clothes and accessories we wear, various reminders of state power, as well as the analogue and digital technologies we use to communicate with one another. But what makes an object queer? 63 chapters consider this question in relation to lesbian, gay and transgender communities across time, cultures and space. In this unique international collaboration, well-known and newer writers traverse world history to write about items ranging from ancient Egyptian tomb paintings and Roman artefacts to political placards, snapshots, sex toys and the smartphone. Suggested by Megan Haught, Student Learning & Engagement/Research & Information Services

Real Life by Brandon Taylor A novel of rare emotional power that excavates the social intricacies of a late-summer weekend -- and a lifetime of buried pain. Almost everything about Wallace, an introverted African-American transplant from Alabama, is at odds with the lakeside Midwestern university town where he is working toward a biochem degree. For reasons of self-preservation, Wallace has enforced a wary distance even within his own circle of friends -- some dating each other, some dating women, some feigning straightness. But a series of confrontations with colleagues, and an unexpected encounter with a young straight man, conspire to fracture his defenses, while revealing hidden currents of resentment and desire that threaten the equilibrium of their community. Suggested by Sara Duff, Acquisitions & Collections

Riley Can’t Stop Crying by Stephanie Boulay While his sister tries everything to help, a young boy isn't sure why he can't stop crying in this transitional picture book. Suggested by Pam Jaggernauth, Curriculum Materials Center

Supporting Success for LGBTQ+ Students: tools for inclusive campus practice by Cindy Ann Kilgo This book aims to serve as a one-stop resource for faculty and staff in higher education settings who are seeking to enhance their campus climate and systems of support for LGBTQ+ student success. Included are theoretical frameworks and conceptual models that can be used in practice. Suggested by Terrie Sypolt, Research & Information Services

The City and the Pillar: a novel by Gore Vidal Jim, a handsome, all-American athlete, has always been shy around girls. But when he and his best friend, Bob, partake in “awful kid stuff,” the experience forms Jim’s ideal of spiritual completion. Defying his parents’ expectations, Jim strikes out on his own, hoping to find Bob and rekindle their amorous friendship. Along the way he struggles with what he feels is his unique bond with Bob and with his persistent attraction to other men. Upon finally encountering Bob years later, the force of his hopes for a life together leads to a devastating climax. The first novel of its kind to appear on the American literary landscape, this remains a forthright and uncompromising portrayal of sexual relationships between men. Suggested by Richard Harrison, Research & Information Services

The Invisible Orientation: an introduction to asexuality by Julie Sondra Decker Julie Sondra Decker outlines what asexuality is, counters misconceptions, provides resources, and puts asexual people's experiences in context as they move through a sexualized world. It includes information for asexual people to help understand their orientation and what it means for their relationships, as well as tips and facts for those who want to understand their asexual friends and loved ones. Suggested by Dawn Tripp, Research & Information Services

The New Testament by Jericho Brown The world of Jericho Brown's second book, disease runs through the body, violence runs through the neighborhood, memories run through the mind, trauma runs through generations. Almost eerily quiet in even the bluntest of poems, Brown gives us the ache of a throat that has yet to say the hardest thing-and the truth is coming on fast. Suggested by Claudia Davidson, Downtown Library

The Prophets by Robert Jones With a lyricism reminiscent of Toni Morrison, Robert Jones, Jr., fiercely summons the voices of slaver and enslaved alike, from Isaiah and Samuel to the calculating slave master to the long line of women that surround them, women who have carried the soul of the plantation on their shoulders. As tensions build and the weight of centuries—of ancestors and future generations to come—culminates in a climactic reckoning, masterfully reveals the pain and suffering of inheritance, but is also shot through with hope, beauty, and truth, portraying the enormous, heroic power of love. Suggested by Rachel Mulvihill, Downtown Library

The Ship We Built by Lexie Bean A fifth-grader whose best friends walked away, whose mother is detached, and whose father does unspeakable things, copes with the help of friend Sofie and anonymous letters tied to balloons and released. Includes a list of resources related to abuse, gender, sexuality, and more. Suggested by Pam Jaggernauth, Curriculum Materials Center

Tinderbox: the untold story of the Up Stairs Lounge fire and the rise of gay liberation by Robert W. Fieseler Buried for decades, the Up Stairs Lounge tragedy has only recently emerged as a catalyzing event of the gay liberation movement. In revelatory detail, Robert W. Fieseler chronicles the tragic event that claimed the lives of thirty-one men and one woman on June 24, 1973, at a New Orleans bar, the largest mass murder of gays until 2016. Relying on unprecedented access to survivors and archives, Fieseler creates an indelible portrait of a closeted, blue- collar gay world that flourished before an arsonist ignited an inferno that destroyed an entire community. The aftermath was no less traumatic--families ashamed to claim loved ones, the Catholic Church refusing proper burial rights, the city impervious to the survivors' needs--revealing a world of toxic prejudice that thrived well past Stonewall. Yet the impassioned activism that followed proved essential to the emergence of a fledgling gay movement. Fieseler restores honor to a forgotten generation of civil-rights martyrs. Suggested by Andy Todd, UCF Connect Libraries

Transgender: a reference handbook by Aaron Devor and Ardel Haefele-Thomas This book provides a crucial resource for readers who are investigating trans issues. It takes a diverse and historic approach, focusing on more than one idea or one experience of trans identity or trans history. The book takes contemporary as well as historic aspects into consideration. It looks at ancient indigenous cultures that honored third, fourth, and fifth gender identities as well as more contemporary ideas of what "transgender" means. Notably, it focuses not only on Western medical ideas of gender affirmation but on cultural diversity surrounding the topic. This book will primarily serve as a reference guide and jumping off point for further research for those seeking information about what it means to be transgender. Suggested by Richard Harrison, Research & Information Services

Transnational LGBT Activism: working for sexual rights worldwide by Ryan R. Thoreson Thoreson argues that the idea of LGBT human rights is not predetermined but instead is defined by international activists who establish what and who qualifies for protection. He shows how International Gay and Lesbian Human Rights Commission (IGLHRC) formed and evolved, who is engaged in this work, how they conceptualize LGBT human rights, and how they have institutionalized their views at the United Nations and elsewhere. After a full year of in-depth research in New York City and Cape Town, South Africa, Thoreson is able to reconstruct IGLHRC’s early campaigns and highlight decisive shifts in the organization’s work from its founding to the present day. Suggested by Sandy Avila, Research & Information Services

Upright Women Wanted by Sarah Gailey Esther is a stowaway. She's hidden herself away in the Librarian's book wagon in an attempt to escape the marriage her father has arranged for her--a marriage to the man who was previously engaged to her best friend. Her best friend who she was in love with. Her best friend who was just executed for possession of resistance propaganda. The future American Southwest is full of bandits, fascists, and queer librarian spies on horseback trying to do the right thing. Suggested by Sara Duff, Acquisitions & Collections

Walt Whitman's Songs of Male Intimacy and Love: "Live oak, with moss" and "Calamus" edited by Betsy Erkkila This volume includes Whitman's handwritten manuscript version of the twelve "Live oak, with moss" poems along side with a print transcription of these poems on the opposite page, followed by a facsimile of the original version of the "Calamus" poems published in the 1860-61 edition of Leaves of grass, and a reprint of the final version of the "Calamus" poems in the 1881 edition of Leaves of grass. Suggested by Rebecca Hawk, Circulation

#ucf library #lgbtqia+ pride #featured bookshelf #one pulse

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togglesbloggle · 4 years

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We Needed a Place to Bury Our Dead

When I came out of the closet for the first time, around the age of twenty or so, one of the first things I did was to start going to church. Not out of a rediscovered faith or anything. It’s just that I lived in a rural town, and churches were the cultural centers- student churches, retiree churches, black churches, you name it. That was as true for the gay community as it was for anyone else; there was a United Church of Christ outpost on the south end of town that acted as the center of gravity for all the queer folks in the area. There was also a proper gay bar, the only one within a hundred miles (I measured). But it wasn’t actually a good place to find people, and was sort of drowning under the weight of tourists. So if I wanted to actually meet guys in person, it was church or nothing.

I felt a little bad about it, so I talked to the pastor first to put my cards on the table and make sure that he didn’t mind a heathen showing up just for the dating scene. He was a pretty good sport about it, told me that he didn’t have a problem with my attendance as long as I made a sincere attempt to pray every now and then, and kept an open mind about waiting for an answer. I held up my end of the bargain, for what it’s worth. I never did hear back from God in unambiguous terms, but the plan worked- I found my way in to a nice circle of early-twenties gay guys. Dated some of them, although it didn’t really work out long term, and the principal benefit was just having a nice queer group of peers who kept quoting Mean Girls no matter how much I begged them to stop.

One of the more memorable days in that chapter of my life was an overnight trip to Dallas, to visit the Cathedral of Hope, possibly the largest specifically LGBT church in the world. The architecture is interesting enough; they call it a cathedral, but of course the construction is quite modern, and I was surprised by how well it worked as a synthesis of very different sensibilities. One stand-out feature of the service was that they took communion in groups of three- two parishioners and the pastor together. It’s a tradition that dates back well before the advent of legal gay marriage. Where gay or otherwise nontraditional couples lacked the full protection of law, the Cathedral of Hope made a point of incorporating a community-wide recognition of those relationships by other means. It was a beautiful thing to see.

That evening, I was wandering on my own around the grounds outside the cathedral proper, and happened to run across a graveyard of sorts. Semi-outdoors, several large walls with many slots for cremated remains. I spent some time alone with it, though I didn’t have any particular reason. Just killing time, so to speak, but in retrospect it was probably the disproportionately high volume that caught my attention, given the size of the congregation and the relative youth of the church itself.

The AIDS crisis, obviously- all those deaths in the 80s. But sometimes I’m a little slow on the uptake, and I didn’t really understand what I was looking at until the local pastor sat down beside me. This was Jo Hudson, who I think has since retired. We talked at length, but the fragment of the conversation that really etched its way into my brain was when she asked-

“So, do you know why we built the cathedral?”

I, baby gay that I was, just sort of shrugged. “Why?”

“We needed a place to bury our dead.”

Like I said, I’m slow on the uptake sometimes, but by this point I’d gotten caught up to the conversation. For Jo, this place was as much the center of the Cathedral of Hope as any of the more impressive bits of architecture. An altar, of sorts- I was standing in the heart of the thing. Fully understanding that, fully digesting what that sentence meant to her, was an important part of my coming of age, and Jo wanted to make sure I understood.

The primary function of the Cathedral of Hope, and the reason it grew so large when it did, was that it provided a venue for the mourning and burial of those who were killed by HIV. Nobody else would do the job, because the plague and the politics and the moral judgment created a perfect storm of social exile that afflicted the dead as well as the living. I was too young to really see the AIDS epidemic firsthand, but only barely, and Jo absolutely wanted me to come into adulthood with that awareness, knowing what the gay community was really, actually for.

“We needed a place to bury our dead.” Meaning: They’re going to hate you so much that when you die, they will go on hating your corpse.

Like I said, I didn’t actually experience the AIDS epidemic directly, and I’m sure it was complicated and multivalent even in its horrors. Stories simplify the world, and simplicity is dangerous if you use it unwisely. But Jo was a preacher. Stories were her business, and the story of that memorial was one about how bottomless the hatred of crowds can be, and of the necessity of community in the face of that hatred. For her, that story was part of my heritage, insofar as being born different can entitle one to a heritage.

There’s a deep trauma that comes with this history as an inheritance, an awareness of how bad things can get and how tenuous the victories really are. One fact that gets under your skin is: it’s hard to mourn the dead, sometimes. It’s much too easy for us to end up the villains of this kind of story, cheering on the deaths of our enemies, convincing ourselves to feel like those deaths are a kind of justice. There’s always going to be this seductive allure in taking satisfaction in the mortality of our opponents, in bending those deaths into a kind of self-serving fable. And when we give in to that impulse, the last and most important barrier has been removed between us and true atrocity.

Political violence in the US has claimed at least three lives this week, in Oregon and Wisconsin. It’s been a clusterfuck, and it seems like things might get worse before they get better. Lots of people are bringing their own stories to those deaths, trying to make sense of them with different simplifying frameworks; it’s the only way we know how to understand things like this. But here’s what I’ll beg you for: try to mourn the dead. Try hard, as hard as you possibly can, to remember that death is an outrage and a tragedy, that the extinction of a human soul may have causes but it can never have reasons. If you fail in this, and your actions are informed by the kind of hatred or contempt that outlasts even death, then you’re going to cause wounds deeper than you can possibly imagine.

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bugmangaka · 3 years

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Character of the Day #0 (Intro)

Here are the Main Characters for Mae and the Kingdoms of Seasons!

Mae, the Titular Character

Mae is a young adult who struggles with severe anxiety. Because of her anxiety, she is selectively mute, and she can sign. She is adopted, and therefore is an only child which is unusual for Seiki. She has two moms, and is bisexual herself! Her best friend is Dolly, her mentor is Noble, and her partner is Joel.

Asha

Asha is a Seiki from the past era who had a fierce spirit. She swears the most out of any character and doesn't act very "lady-like," which she learned from her strong mother. Sexism was rampant at that time so her disposition was seen as inappropriate for a girl. However, her outgoing personality made her extremely popular with her peers. She took shit from nobody, and wasn't afraid to speak her mind. When she met Thatcher, he sadly took those qualities out of her. She spent the entirety of her afterlife following her family tree down and searching for a way to make up her past mistakes. She passed down a letter explaining what really happened to Ruben, but nobody in her family took it seriously... until Mae.

Ruben

Ruben was a bright-eyed student who really loved learning. He was an only child just like Mae, except for him it was because his family was extremely poor and the rest of his parents' eggs didn't make it. He's neurodivergent and struggles in social situations, but he just really really wants friends. He's picked on a lot but doesn't often realize that he is, he'll talk to anybody to try and befriend them. He'll often brag about his good grades and intellect as a way to impress people and make them like him, but others usually find him annoying. He wanted to grow up to do something so great that everybody would love him. He's overwhelmed by his own feelings, feeling too happy or too sad burns him out and causes him to shut down. When he starts to feel 'too much' he'll hide his face in his scarf. he studied with the human because he thought it was a great idea and that he was going to help everybody. He never intended things to go so south.. and even when he was reformed he never intended to hurt anybody.

Joel

Joel is Mae's partner, and one of her closet friends! He is pansexual, and completely mute because he was born without vocal chords. He learned how to sign when he was in elementary school thanks to his twin brother, Jeremiah. He grew up in a horribly abusive household, his mother thought that the Gods were punishing her for giving her a mute child. She tried to get him to talk by hurting him, and disapproved of him signing. He has a scar under his headband from his mom, from when she pulled so hard on his antennae that one split open. She would verbally and physically abuse both of her kids as 'punishment' for being 'such a burden to her,' and her husband just went along with it not bothering to stop her. One night, when he was 12, she was so mad that she kicked him out of the house. He only was able to take one of his journals with him and some food scraps and spent a while wandering around the kingdom homeless. Eventually, he stumbled upon an old man who helped him build a small shack to live in. He then found Mae's middle school, and watched the kids go in and out for a few days until a teacher noticed him and brought him in as part of the class. He met Mae when she walked past his house one day, and when he signed to her she signed back. He had never met another person besides his brother that could sign before and he instantly started crushing on her. The two became close friends in high school, and Joel was pining for her hard the entire time. Mae returned his feelings, but they didn't get together until during her big journey. Joel is a writer! He's mainly a poet, but he's been writing ever since he was little and is what he does for his job. He wrote the book "Tales of Kingdoms Past," which was about the other three kingdoms and what they did during the 200 year gap in communication. Joel has serious trauma from his past but denies it. He just wants his mom to love him and believes it's because he wasn't good enough, and was his fault.

Dolly

Dolly is Mae's best friend! They've been super close since they met in kindergarten. Dolly comes from a wealthy, higher-class family that has 5 daughters, her being the oldest in the litter. She's super upbeat and easily excitable, and loves getting to know knew people. She's very popular in her school and is invited to a lot of things, but she always makes sure to spend time with Mae and stick by her side. Dolly's parents are neglectful despite their family's "perfect" appearance. Her dad wanted a son, so he doesn't give them the time of day, and her mother doesn't bother to get to know them and is always away. Her parents usually leave her money and then leave for a couple days. Dolly and her sisters constantly want their mom's attention, but because Dolly was born looking the most like her mom, she's the only one that gets the sliver of attention. This affection is superficial and meaningless, and leaves her feeling empty, but it causes intense jealously between her and her sisters, they don't get along well at all. Her mother always advised her daughters to marry someone rich like she did (which is an indicator of what her parents' relationship is like), and to always appear submissive and weak because guys are 'turned away from powerful women.' Because of this, Dolly always dated higher-class boys her weren't the nicest. Several of them would try to take advantage of her because they knew that her dad didn't care enough to go after them. She'd always break up with them within a few weeks or so, they weren't her type at all but she was only following her mom's advice. Dolly is a very talented seamstress and sketcher, and wanted to own her own boutique one day. However she never thought she could because her mother would tell her women shouldn't work. When she graduated she met Anthony and started dating him, and she was able to be herself around him. The two got married very quickly on a whim, and then immediately after accidentally made a litter of 7 babies.

Anthony

Anthony is Dolly's husband! He's very timid and has a slight stutter. He comes from a notoriously wealthy family that is known for their extremely successful sons. Their family consists of two litters, the first being of 4 boys, Noble being the oldest of them. These are the 4 sons that are so famous. The second litters is of all girls except for Anthony. His sisters are very successful too, but outsiders always forget about Anthony and don't recognize him. He's very smart and loves math, and studied outside of school to become a tax collector for the queen (in this kingdom, taxes are only for the rich). He loves his wife and kids very much, and loves making horrible math puns.

Noble

Noble is the Captain of the Royal Guard! He is also Mae's mentor, and is gay and autistic. He is close friends with Queen Dahlia. He's the strong quiet type, a man of few words. He's strict and knows how to command his men, not somebody you'd want to mess with, He's well respected for his skill and leadership. He was a prodigy, and started learning how to use a sword when he was three. He was mentored by the previous captain of the guard himself, September. When he was in middle school, he was allowed into the guard program early. He lived away from home in the guards quarters from then on. While he was growing up there he figured out he was gay, but the royal guard is generally full of unaccepting people. He worked hard and was chosen to become September's successor, being the kingdom's youngest captain. He values his reputation a lot, and is terrified of people finding out his sexuality. He eventually gets together with Jeremiah, and is outted to the guard by somebody.

Jeremiah

Jeremiah is Joel's older twin! He's quite poor, and lives in a worn down one-room house where he runs his business, "Jeremiah's Shipping and Deliveries." He delivers tools and building materials to those who request it. Jeremiah was the one that was left behind with his mom after Joel left. Growing up, he always tried to act as the tough one and would stand up for his little brother when he was picked on. He's also queer, liking both girls and boys, but heavily denied it. He always picked fights with others that he couldn't win, and was used to getting beat up. When Joel was gone, he became very lonely and even more self-destructive. He became more violent and did horribly in school, he became friends with his pervious bullies and got into a lot of trouble with them. When he was a sophomore his dad left, and he had to deal with his mother by himself. He inherited bipolar disorder from his mother but he doesn't know that. When it came time to graduate he left home and never looked back. He's an alcoholic, he drinks to numb his feelings. He sleeps around with girls all the time, only to feel loved for one night. All these things just leave him feeling worthless and empty. Eventually, he reunited with Joel after seeing the book his brother published. He loves Joel and Mae so much, and is afraid of messing up his relationship with them. He has horrible self-esteem and constantly worries that he only has a bad impact on others. Eventually he meets Noble, who helps him accept himself and starts dating him.

Dahlia

Dahlia is the current reigning queen of the Seiki Kingdom. She's close friends with Noble. It was her controversial decision to send Mae out on her journey, but she was pressured into making a hasty choice by her brother and royal advisor, Cedar. Dahlia is quiet and regal, and tries to keep her emotions to herself. The entire purpose of her birth was to become the next queen, so she never had the chance to be a child. From day one she was taken and raised to be the perfect ruler. She's constantly under the pressure of Cedar, who is mean to her behind closed doors. Later on, Cedar pressures her to make an heir with somebody since she's getting older. She chooses Vincent for that job, but the two actually fall in love and she appoints him as her and her newborns' official doctor so that she gets to see him again.

Thatcher

Thatcher..... is basically the worst person. He is one of the worst villains in this universe. He was Asha's husband in the past era. He's a sociopath and a misogynist, and very rich. He's albino, which makes many see him as unique and attractive. Thatcher is incredibly clever, and nows how to manipulate everyone around him into thinking he's great and can do no harm. In reality, he has a violent mind with dark desires. He's the kinda guy to fantasize about keeping a girl in his basement. He owns an expensive store that sells jewels and holiday items. He met Asha when she was about to leave on her holiday trip. He noticed how loud and outgoing she was, and he thought that it'd be fun to "break/tame" her and force her into the role that he thought a woman should have. He flirted with her that day, but she rejected him. He saw this as part of the fun and proceeded to stalk her for the rest of the day. The entire time she was gone, he never stopped thinking about her and what he wanted to do to her. When she came back in tears after Ruben was "killed," he used that chance to act as her shoulder to cry on and worm his way into her life. They started dating, even though she wasn't very into it. Her mother and her friends encouraged her to marry him because of his status within their community. She did, but once they were married shit hit the fan fast. Thatcher was abusive to her, he'd slowly add onto what he could get away with. He'd pressure her into intimacy, and eventually would force himself onto her. He wanted kids, so he forced her to have his. She tried avoiding it for a while by using contraception without his knowledge, but when he found out he started getting physically abusive. Eventually, Asha became a shell of who she once was. Thatcher succeeded in breaking her, her fighting spirit was gone and she was quiet and numb. When their kids were four, Asha took her own life. Thatcher had pushed her too far. The loss of his wife was Thatcher's biggest regret, he couldn't take that back. But to him it wasn't the loss of his love, it was the loss of his favorite toy. He tried to regain his pride by manipulating his kids into believing that their mother passed because she didn't love them.

Verity

Verity is the current reigning queen of the Kitsuga kingdom! She was a strong warrior and leader, but her life was changed forever when the plague attacked. When Ruben's plague got to her kingdom, it killed many of the Kitsuga warriors, including her husband and the king, Clay. Her two kids Sato and Mana managed to hide, but many other Kitsuga were injured. Her son, Sato, decided to cocoon early to get his wings and encouraged many of his young peers to do so as well so that they could be more useful to the kingdom when they emerge. Verity is not silent most of the time, and just stands watching the kingdom from her den. She's still grieving the loss of her husband. She treated Mae like her own daughter, and was the one that taught her Mae's signature dive-bomb technique.

Marvin

Marvin is a Hachitsu, he's an inventor! He's autistic, asexual, and aromantic. He loves loves tinkering with machinery, coming up with ideas, and making friends. He's super passionate about his work and showing people what he does, but he sometimes is oblivious to social cues and accidentally oversteps some boundaries. He's broke, and can just barely afford the rent on the garage he lives in. He bakes in his free time and sells his pastries to get a smidge of income. His sister, Pamela, is the only sibling that visits him regularly and makes sure he's taking care of himself. He's the only one in his family without a "real job," so his siblings and parents think that he's a disappointment. He met Mae when she came to the kingdom and was wandering around lost, unsure why people were ignoring her/acting rude (she was flying, and since the Hachitsu can't fly its considered rude to fly in their kingdom instead of using the stairs and pulleys). He saw this as an opportunity to finally make some money and made her pay for him to show her around. He ended up giving her her money back after she saved him when the plague attacked the Hachitsu, and the two became close friends. The two remain pen pals! Marvin's dream was to create an invention that would finally allow the Hachitsu to fly, he spent months trying to get the design right, and he just finally succeeded in creating a glider.

Charlotte

Charlotte is the current President of the Hachitsu kingdom, and she has been since she was 14 (Hachistu can run as many times as they like). She is the daughter of the previous president, who passed away when she was 14. Her mother encouraged her to become the next leader in her place. Her mother was killed by wasps, which gave Charlotte an intense fear of wasps ever since. She really loves bees! Bees are like dogs to them, they're dangerous to all other forest spirit species except for the Hachitsu, their bee-like colors and pheromones let them exist harmoniously with wild bees. Domestic bees are nice to everybody, regardless of species. She had several guard bees that she loved dearly, when the plague came, infected wasps came after her. Her bees gave their lives to protect her by fighting them off, but became part of the plague themselves. Charlotte is bisexual, but not very interested in dating. She's outspoken and very confident in herself, she's been runnin' this job for a long time and she believes she knows what she's doing.

Bel

Bel is an elderly Kameshi. He's the first and only Kameshi Mae ever met during her journey, although she does meet more later on in life. During the 200 year gap, the Kameshi kingdom had a civil way that led to its destruction. Now, the kingdom is just ruins, and Kameshi live on their own scattered across the forest. He lives in a cave near the remains of the cabin, and often goes through it to find human items. He's a collector of human things, and his cave is littered with various human objects. His scarf is made of a green cloth and thread that he found in the dirt near the cabin, and is actually where Mae's needle came from! When Mae found her needle it was attached to a green thread, it was the very same one. Bel approached Mae because he noticed the needle on her back, and he wanted to get a better look. Bel is everyone's grandpa, he ofc treats Mae like his own granddaughter and is protective of her. He was the one that encouraged her to look inside the cabin to help with her journey. Mae came to visit him over a year later with Joel, and Bel didn't like Joel much sbhjdshsdshd simply because he was "dating" Mae (they were already married at that point lmao). He had also adopted an orphaned 5-year old Kameshi girl who he named Scamp. He gets his own arc later on in the series when he finds a hidden village of Kameshi, and he reunites with his past love, Tuft.

#OC #Mae and the Kingdoms of Seasons #Character of the Day #tw abuse #tw self harm #tw suicide #Mae #Ruben #Asha #Dolly #Joel #Jeremiah #Noble #Dahlia #Bel #Verity #Marvin #Charlotte #thatcher

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into-control · 4 years

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submission:

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo

So I was reading this impeccable book and several things snatched my wig off. This post is laden with heavy spoilers, so avoid if you want to read it spoiler free.

1) It is about a CUBAN AMERICAN BISEXUAL Hollywood Actress, who decides to divulge her life to this author, Monique, and asks her to write her biography and publish it after she dies. Now this actress, is like a Marilyn Monroe or Elizabeth Taylor, and she is still in the closet, mind you. She is Evelyn Hugo, sensation of her generation.

2) Of her seven husbands, 2 were out of love, 5 were PRs. To hide the fact that she was in love with another actress of her time, equally, if not more, talented, the beautiful Cecilia James. The love of Evelyn's life.

3) Cecilia and Evelyn break up many times, mostly because Evelyn goes back to having sex with men to keep her and Cecilia a secret. But they keep finding each other like typical wLw couples lmao.

4) They spend the last 10 years of Cecilia's life together, IN SPAIN, Evelyn married to Cecilia's brother.

5) over a spontaneous decision one day, Evelyn asks Cecilia to marry her. And they marry, on the bed, with their HAIR TIES acting as engagement rings. Read it if you don't believe me.

Well, if this isn't Camren enough, I do not know what is. It is really sad how they still have to hide it, nothing much has changed between 1960s showbiz and 2020s showbiz. It's all about *cue Lana* Money, Power and Glory. The book is also a great sensitizer towards the misconceptions regarding bisexuality. Me, as an 18 year old bisexual college student from a rather backwards country like India, couldn't agree more. Although, I think, it is better here. People are homophobic, but here in the cities, people either dismiss one's sexuality entirely, or are too ashamed to talk it out or reprimand someone if they are queer. I have been very lucky in the sense that my professor parents, or teachers or friends- nobody made a big deal out of it and accepted it just like they accepted I was a pessimistic wierdo that just scrolls tumblr all day in a world of Instagram. Honestly, this book was a revelation for me, and I hope the industry gives enough slack to Camila. That girl doesn't deserve that hate or anxiety she's going through. Although no one deserves anxiety lmao. Heternormativity is such wack thing honestly.

————

evelyn hugo is like camila and taylor combined only bisexual tbh. taylor is unhinged enough to reference the book more than once in her lyrics and camila is unhinged enough to maybe reference the character in the my oh my music video. that or she was referencing marilyn monroe (which is honestly not that much of a difference), but the fact that she was scolded for taking off her blonde wig and evelyn dyed her hair blonde to make her look less latin has me raising my eyebrows

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transthaumaturge · 4 years

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Happy TDOV! Here’s some Queer Hogwarts Headcanons.

Hi, all! My name is Rachel! I’m a trans woman, and I grew up on Harry Potter. I am writing this because we deserve to be seen and also because I know it would piss JK “Gender is Real” Rowling off if she ever read this. Here is how queer students and allies in the different Hogwarts houses would support fellow LGBTQ+ kids in various positive ways.

Disclaimer: Throughout this post, I’ll use the word ‘Queer’ several times. I know that this label doesn’t necessarily represent everyone in the LGBTQ+ community, but I also don’t consider it a slur in modern usage. It has a history of reclamation in the community, and has long been considered a sort of umbrella term for a lot of identities under the rainbow umbrella. Please respect my choice to use this word, as I don’t police others’ language when it comes down to it. If you see yourself as LGBTQ+ but not queer, I see you and respect you.

Gryffindor

When a Gryffindor student is ready to come out as a trans boy or a masculine enby, they can ask LGBTQ+ students in their house to accompany them while they attempt to climb the staircase to the girls’ dormitory and announce their newfound gender identity to the whole house. Without fail, when they climb halfway up and speak their truth the stairs turn into a ramp and they slide back down. Every time that someone does this, there’s a huge party in the common room afterward to celebrate them living their truth for the first time.

Some of the burlier Gryffindor kids decided to bury the hatchet and team up with their Slytherin equals to form a queer community watch. Inspired by Hermione’s work with the fake galleons, they get a list of interested students around the school and start passing out small badges enchanted with the protean charm and a mild shield charm. When a LGBTQ+ student is in trouble, the coin will keep some of the nastier curses from landing while they use it to notify the watch. Before long, these badges become very recognizable to the right people and just wearing one is usually enough to ward off bullies or vouch for LGBTQ+ identity. One of the watch captains is a muggleborn with a special interest in Earthbound, and insists that they should be made to look like Franklin Badges.

A couple years after the Battle of Hogwarts and inspired in part by Dumbledore’s Army, a group of Gryffindors decides to start a weekly queer support group in the Room of Requirement. It’s not the best-kept secret in the world, but the room provides the group with the extra security they need in order to make sure that any closeted students are comfortable showing up.

Ravenclaw

A group of Ravenclaw students begin curating an LGBTQ+ library in their common room, with resource books and fiction about every identity under the rainbow. They maintain a robust lending program, teaming up with Madame Pince to keep a catalog of their books in the library proper. For closeted students who want to learn more about their identities without outing themselves too early, the Ravenclaw students in charge of the queer library become skilled in charming the book covers to disguise their contents and in developing alternate places for book pickup and drop-off.

Appreciating Gryffindor students’ initial efforts to open up a queer support group in the Room of Requirement, LGBTQ+ Ravenclaw students team up with their Hufflepuff counterparts to find facilitators for a number of smaller identity-specific support groups representing everyone from trans students to aspec kids. The Ravenclaw students focus more on intercommunity education, while the Hufflepuffs put more work into inclusive group protocol and making sure that meetings are as affirming as possible for attendees.

A group of out-and-proud Ravenclaws take it upon themselves to get professors to sponsor a series of lectures in the Great Hall about a variety of LGBTQ+ topics. These student-delivered lectures get so popular that they’re able to get several well-known queer celebrity witches and wizards to come and speak on their experiences. They’ve even been able to convince a couple ghosts who identified centuries ago in a way that would now be known as LGBTQ+ to speak on what life was like for them. They’re trying really hard to score an interview with the ghost of one of Sappho’s lovers, but they’ll need a translator first.

Hufflepuff

Being a house founded from the start on the ideals of inclusion and diversity, Hufflepuff already lends itself well to LGBTQ+ community support. On an emotional high from their work with Ravenclaw to found identity-specific support groups, queer Hufflepuffs go further and set up a whole slew of LGBTQ+ mental health community pick-me-ups. These range from Pride parties and dessert buffets full of rainbow food to therapy dog sessions, group Quidditch outings, and trans-inclusive drag shows. Every so often, they convert the Room of Requirement into a fashion closet so that all interested students can try on different kinds of masculine, feminine, and androgynous fashions from the wizarding world and muggle culture alike.

A group of Hufflepuffs recruit students from other houses in starting the first Hogwarts LGBTQ+ support helpline. They bring in counselors from St. Mungo’s about four times a year to train student peer-advocates, and try their best to find students from every identity under the rainbow so that all their bases are covered. Students can reach the helpline at any hour by taking an enchanted pamphlet from a community bulletin board near the Great Hall and saying “I need help” into it. As a bonus, it casts a Muffliato charm around the user so that nobody around them can hear their conversation. This helpline stays active during school breaks so that queer students in need will always have somebody that they can talk to.

Some trans Hufflepuff upperclassmen aspiring to be healers convince Madame Pomfrey to get training on magical transition therapy so that she can administer it to interested students. They put up community notices to field students to her, and sit down with anybody unsure if they’re “trans enough” to reassure them that they definitely are, and that getting transition therapy is their choice alone. They’re now working on getting gender-affirming transmutation procedures subsidized by the school.

Slytherin

Ever skilled at navigating bureaucracy and antiquated rules to get what they want, a group of legal-minded queer Slytherin students team up to defend fellow Hogwarts students who were punished for LGBTQ+-related reasons and so that any homophobic or transphobic staff members know that if they put one toe out of line, they’ll be gone before they can say “Merlin’s Rainbow Flag”. They also exploit several unclear passages in the original Hogwarts’ founding documents to make the school re-label a bunch of washrooms as gender-neutral and establish a new non-binary/gender-neutral dormitory in each of the four houses. Anytime that a new attempt is made to gender-segregate student life or force compulsory cisheteronormativity on school events, Slytherin is there to right wrongs.

A group of formerly-closeted Slytherin students start offering help to anybody in the student body who wants to be socially out but needs to keep their gender identity or sexual orientation hidden from their parents. They advise these students on what to say, how to act, and where in the school it’s safest to present as their true selves. If anybody attempts to out these students-in-need, their lives are made...unpleasant. When a student is ready to come out publicly and to their family, these Slytherin students talk them through how to safely and defensively do it so that if their parents react poorly and try to hurt them financially or otherwise, the damage is minimized. They help to arrange alternate living situations and tuition funds if needed, provide polyjuice potion for trans students going through magical transition therapy who need to hide their identity during a parent visit, and they’ve gotten very skilled at spotting and destroying transphobic and homophobic howlers before they reach their intended recipient.

About to graduate from Hogwarts and get a cushy Ministry job? There are queer Slytherin students who will find you in your OWL year and beyond to offer coaching so that you can effectively support and pass LGBTQ+-inclusive policies at the government level. They offer any information about policy and past precedent that they can (and they have a very well-stocked queer law library in their house common room), help future magical legislators and judiciaries to get better at debunking homophobic and transphobic legal fallacies, and put them in touch with queer and allied Ministry members so that they have multiple people they can keep in touch with in the workplace if they need more support after graduation. Before long, there’s a noticeable shift at the Ministry level towards policies that help LGBTQ+ wizarding kids and adults avoid discrimination and live the lives they want to live. Following their initial success at Hogwarts, this Slytherin-led LGBTQ+ future legislators group reaches out to magical schools in other countries to found satellite chapters and expand their positive influence.

Closing

That’s it for now! I hope that I made you smile and that my ideas resonated. If anybody has any additional headcanons in this area or suggested tweaks for how each house would contribute to LGBTQ+ life at Hogwarts, be sure to reblog this post with your ideas. Happy Trans Day of Visibility!

#thaumaturgethoughts #Harry Potter #trans day of visibility #trans positivity #queer positivity #LGBTQ+ positivity #queer

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sineala · 5 years

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Do you mind I ask about your love life？ How are you met your wife？I really need some good examples before I give up on find someone.

Aww, anon, don’t give up! There’s someone out there for you!

I found love and not only was I not, at the time, actually looking -- I also identified as straight. Because, yes, my actual romantic life is exactly the kind of plot that people think is unrealistic when it shows up in fanfiction.

Anyway. Here is the story of How I Met My Wife, which I am sure I have told before but it’s always fun to tell it again. It is a very long story because it is also the story of How I Figured Out I Was A Lesbian.

Okay, so the year was 2001 and I was twenty and I was a college student. I was also of the opinion that I was heterosexual; I had a boyfriend once in high school and it was kind of confusing and weird and left me with the impression that something was probably wrong with me because I was pretty sure that other straight girls thought guys were attractive, and I did not. At this time it did not actually occur to me that I might not, y’know, be straight. I figured that most people were straight so I was probably straight and therefore everything I felt was something straight people felt. And also many straight girls liked to talk about how women were objectively prettier and therefore this was a thing straight people felt. I was... kind of confused and really repressed and when I think back on that time I wonder what the hell I was thinking because, man, I did a lot of weird things that made a lot more sense once I knew I was gay.

Also I spent a lot of my free time being in fandom. This was back in the heyday of LiveJournal, and at the time I was mostly in Due South fandom. And so was @carminapossunt. I don’t even remember how I found her -- it might have been through the Common Interests list, and it might have been because we had friends in common (it turned out that one of her fandom friends was one of my RL fandom friends who I went to school with). I’m pretty sure I friended her first, though. She seemed cool and we liked a lot of the same fandoms and pairings (mostly Fraser/Kowalski in Due South) and also we were and are both big language nerds.

So I friended her and she friended me back and we spent a few months leaving comments on each other’s posts, like you did. And then I remember one day, checking my friends list, and she’d just posted just that minute, and she’d left her AIM screen name (note to young people: this is what we used before Discord) and said that if anyone wanted to IM her she was online. And I was online, and she was online, and I IMed her. (Much later on she told me that she’d been deliberately hoping I would IM her.) This was probably fall 2001.

And then we... kept IMing. We IMed each other pretty much every day. Talking about school, fandom, our lives, whatever. I just thought she was the absolute coolest person I ever met and I wanted to talk to her ALL THE TIME and she seemed to want to keep talking to me all the time too! Win-win! She was so great! I’d never liked anyone as much as I liked her and I was pretty sure no one had ever liked me as much as she liked me!

At the time I lived in California and she lived in New Jersey and being as we were 3,000 miles apart, there wasn’t much chance of us meeting any time soon. We’d sent each other mail and exchanged pictures (she was really pretty!) and I think maybe we’d talked on the phone a bit, but long-distance calls were expensive. So after we’d been talking for maybe a year (this was maybe mid-late 2002), we started making plans to meet. And because we were both in fandom, we decided we’d meet at a con, so we made plans to go to conneXions, a now-defunct slash con in Maryland, the next spring. We were going to see each other! In real life!

And that, my friends, was when my poor, confused, extremely repressed brain just stopped being able to lie to me anymore.

See, @carminapossunt was a lesbian. Is still a lesbian, yes, but was a lesbian when I met her. Definitely a lesbian. Went to a women’s college. Had been out and proud ever since I’d known her. And I was fine with that. I was totally fine with that. Pretty much all of my friends at college were queer. (In retrospect, maybe this ought to have clued me in.) So I was absolutely, totally fine with her being a lesbian... and then she started talking about dating women and, like, going on dates with them. Currently, right then, dating women. And I became Extremely Jealous. And I couldn’t figure out why, and this was really upsetting. She was my friend! I wanted her to be happy! Didn’t I want her to be happy? Why was I so happy when she told me that she wasn’t going on another date with some particular woman? It didn’t make any sense! This was all very confusing.

You’d think maybe at that point I would have figured out that I had a crush on her. But no.

No, it finally occurred to me that I had a crush on @carminapossunt when I was sitting around daydreaming about how I was going to be meeting her (a totally normal activity that all straight people engage in, I am sure) and suddenly I realized that I was thinking about what it would be like to kiss her. And it was a really good thought that made me feel all happy and warm inside! Nothing at all like thinking about kissing guys! This seemed like a super-amazing idea and oh my God I'm gay and oh my God I have a crush on my best friend who I’ve never met. It was kind of a lot to take in. Yeah.

So then I spent some time trying to sort everything out in my head and realizing that so many things made so much more sense now and trying to convince myself that my friends and family weren’t all going to hate me forever. That bit was kind of unfun and I don’t recommend it. But I got it all sorted out eventually.

And then, uh, I told @carminapossunt that, basically, I thought I was gay and I definitely had a crush on her. And it turned out that she had had a crush on me this entire time and she’d been trying to get over me and date other people because, well, we both thought I was straight. (I am not sure I recommend this coming-out approach to other people but it definitely worked for me.)

So this was December 2002 and we were both like “okay, how do we do this?” and also “how are we going to survive waiting several months until that con to finally meet?” because, you know, what if I wasn’t really gay and none of this worked out and we hated each other in person. It was extremely wonderful and also terrifying.

So, uh, what I did was, I told my mother I thought I might be gay, because being closeted was feeling kind of terrible already. And she told me that she had basically already guessed years ago and that she loved me. Which, y’know, is good to hear. And then I told her about @carminapossunt and then my mother asked me... if I would like plane tickets to go visit her for winter break in a couple weeks. Which I was definitely not expecting and which was definitely going above and beyond in being supportive. So, uh, thanks, mom!

I flew out and met @carminapossunt on December 27, 2002 and it was a great success and it turned out I was definitely gay and we were definitely dating. I eventually came out to the rest of my family and maybe I shouldn’t have come out to my dad while he was driving along a winding cliffside road but, whatever, it worked out fine and he loves me.

We were long-distance for a couple more years, which sucked, until I moved to the East Coast for grad school and we moved in together and we have stayed together ever since. It took us forever to actually decide to get married (I mean, it wasn’t even legal when we started dating) but when we did we planned it in about three months and we eventually got married fourteen years later on December 27, 2016, so that way we only have to remember one anniversary date ever.

And that’s my story! I’m less confused now. I love my wife. She’s the best.

#Anonymous #replies

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janephillipsblog · 4 years

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My Diary of One Yellow Rabbit’s 34th Annual High Performance Rodeo - January 8 - 26, 2020

Last year I had the opportunity to volunteer for One Yellow Rabbit’s High Performance Rodeo and had such a fantastic time that I decided to do it again this year. The High Performance Rodeo Volunteer Program is proudly sponsored by East Village. There were some differences this year as due to my own theatrical commitments I was not able to attend the volunteer orientation session in November and was also not able to attend as many shows as I would have liked. Even so, I still managed to take in 11 shows and kept a diary a follows:

January 10, 2020

My first show was “bliss (the birthday party play)”, presented by Verb Theatre in The Studio at The Grand, was directed by Karen Hines and performed by Jamie Dunsdon. This was a raw and intimate investigation of ignorance, bliss, self and all the things that we wish we could un-know. The space was set up like a birthday party and the audience were all guests which was very different. I found that Jamie’s performance was thought-provoking and powerful as she took us on a winding road of a journey as she turned back the clock on her life. I very much enjoyed the journey I was taken on, particularly as I had no idea of the destination. I am very much a fan of one-person shows in general and this one did not disappoint.

January 11, 2020

“It’s The End of the World as We Know It (and I Feel Fucked)” was written and performed by The Rude Pundit, a.k.a, Lee Papa, in Motel Theatre, Arts Commons. It was directed by Mike Creter. This was a journey, through the eyes of the Rude Pundit, through Trump’s America. It was exactly what I expected and I enjoyed his diatribe and anger and a Canadian audience can relate when comparing it to what Jason Kenney and people like him want to do.

January 16, 2020

“The Land, The Animals”, took place in the Big Secret Theatre, Arts Commons and was presented by the One Yellow Rabbit ensemble. Written and directed by Blake Brooker, this piece was performed by Denise Clarke, Christopher Hunt and Andy Curtis. This show was first presented in 1991, however it was new to me. I liked that it was based on a true event experienced by Blake and Denise in 1989, which changed the direction the play was going as Blake was writing it at the time. I felt that it was very timeless. It took me to the downtown working world of Calgary, a world which I had been a part of for many years as an employee, especially as I was a lunchtime runner, as was one of the characters in the play. I also enjoyed the original score written and performed by David Rhymer.

January 17, 2020

“Revolution or Slumber”, presented at and by Western Canada High School, was a special show as it was the first time that a high school production has been in the Rodeo. An original piece, it was written and created by students, directed by Caitlin Gallichan-Lowe. I enjoyed it and thought it was well done. The show was set during a slumber party, where the teens presented their anger, worry and despair at the state of the world, whilst in the world of the usual teenage dramas, love, smoking pot, drinking and eating chips (which set off my craving for chips!) It took me back to when I was the same age and I found I related to it in that regard. Perhaps the generations are not so far apart after all. I also really liked that they had screen printed the play’s logo onto second-hand t-shirts and were selling them.

January 18, 2020

“Footnote Number 12” was presented in The Studio at The Grand by Spreafico Eckly & Theatre Replacement. It was directed by Andrea Spreafico and performed by James Long and Nancy Tam. This was a bizarre, challenging, but interesting piece set around a 2006 magazine article, that questioned what that writer had to say through today’s social context. Interesting use of sound and the modulation of the voice.

January 23, 2020

“Queer Blind Date”, was presented by Spontaneous Theatre at The Studio, Vertigo Theatre. Through improvisation and clowning, the play explores human romance, and in this version, queer courtship. As it is a re-imagined version of Rebecca’s Northan’s “Blind Date”, I could easily see how this would work for every kind of human relationship, whether straight, same sex, trans or gender-queer. The performance I saw featured the saucy but adorable female clown, “Mimi”, played by Julie Orton (there were also performances with the clown “Mathieu” played by David Benjamin Tomlinson which I will unfortunately did not get to see). The performance starts with the actors mingling in the lobby to pick Mimi’s blind date and on this particular evening she picked a young woman, with her consent of course and she was such a good sport! The play starts with their first blind date and progresses through their relationship from there and is often quite naughty, particularly with the use of puppets. I loved it, I felt it was really refreshing and well done and a show you could enjoy several times due to it being different every time.

January 24, 2020

“How To Fail As A Popstar”, A Canadian Stage Production, was presented at the Engineered Air Theatre at Arts Commons. Directed by Brendan Healy, in this piece Vivek Shraya (writer and composer) shares her journey and quest to become a popstar. I found Vivek’s performance to be raw and authentic and incredibly relatable due to the world we live in which often focuses on the destination of complete success, rather than for a person to enjoy and appreciate the journey regardless of where they end up. This was one of my top three shows this year.

“Premium Content”, by David Gagnon Walker, directed by Geoffrey Simon Brown, was presented by The Major Matt Mason Collective in The Studio at The Grand. This is the story of five friends, one of whom makes videos. It explores the relationships between these friends and issues of consent in our internet-fueled voyeuristic world. I loved the use of multi-media and though I only got to see one performance, I also loved the idea that each performance was different and would have different relationship dynamics because the actors rotated roles (each actor learnt three roles).

January 25, 2020

“Tomatoes Tried to Kill Me But Banjos Saved My Life”, was presented by Quivering Dendrites, at Lunchbox Theatre. In this piece, creator and performer Keith Alessi, under the direction of Erika Conway, shares his inspirational true story from a rocky childhood, through corporate success to a battle with cancer, during which his passion for the banjo becomes an integral part of saving his life. This was a very authentic piece and I related to it on many levels. I suspect many other people also do, as for many of us, arts unfortunately sometimes end up on the back-burner as we focus on making a living. Keith bought his first banjo as a teenager and collected many throughout the years winding up with 52 of them in a closet! The cancer diagnosis forced him to finally start to really learn to play the banjo and he started jamming with other musicians. The cancer was cured and this piece created which ultimately led to a Broadway debut. I spoke to him after the show as I have guitars and a violin in my closet – well they were until just before Christmas as I have started playing them again! The advice: get out and play regardless of your expertise. The takeaway from this show for anyone is don’t delay your passion, whatever it may be. This was my favourite show this year.

“Gemini”, presented by Defiance Theatre, took place at The Legion. The play was written by Louise Casemore and directed by Mitchell Cushman. Performed by Louise Casemore and Vern Thiessen, the play is set in a bar and was made more real in this presentation by being performed in the Legion’s second floor pub. It explores the relationship between a young, female bartender and a middle-aged, male regular, who ultimately, perhaps in part due to male entitlement, crosses the line by reading more into the relationship than he should have. This was one of my top three shows at this year’s Rodeo as I found I related to it as I was once that bartender. Both characters had a sadness to them, stuck in their situations. It also raised questions about the treatment of workers in the hospitality industry. Bartenders have so much responsibility due to the liability that they take on from serving alcohol and yet the profession is not respected, with workers making most of their income from tips, a practice, that if you think about it, is rather questionable, because it has trickled down from the class system.

“Certified” by Squid Thinks was presented in the Motel Theatre at Arts Commons. In this show, creator and performer JD Derbyshire takes us on a roller coaster of a ride as we accompany her on her journey through the mental health system. This piece was fast-paced and humourous, though with moment of heart-ache, leaving the audience with questions about the definition of insanity.

For the volunteers, the Rodeo wrapped up with a volunteer party a week later, hosted by the Village Brewery Taproom. This year we were treated to a private talk back with artists Blake Brooker, Denise Clarke and Kris Demeanor. I unfortunately did not get to see Kris’ show “Russell: Straight Up” but he gave us a quick taste and I will definitely see it when it is presented again.

The 34th Annual High Performance Rodeo was fantastic and I wish I could have seen more shows, however the ones that I did attend were enjoyable and intriguing, with many that I would happily see again. As a performer and writer I also garnered a lot of inspiration from the work I experienced. Art is truly limitless!

#calgary #hprodeo #theatre

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dhbelzinone · 5 years

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𝓟𝓻𝓸𝓯𝓲𝓵𝓮𝓼 (ᴬⁿᵈ ᴬˡˡ ᵀʰᵃᵗ ᴶᵃᶻᶻ)

𝓞𝓞𝓒 𝓘𝓷𝓽𝓻𝓸 𝓟𝓸𝓼𝓽

Hi hello I’ve never done anything like this before but it looks like there’s a blog specifically for ooc intros so here’s my best. ♡

Hi my name is Sal, I go by they/them/theirs, and I’m a med school reject turned gender studies honors student. I’m currently working on a thesis about sex worker rights so I’m balls deep I can be in the industry without the good money and devoting the rest of my undergrad career to fighting for their right to make theirs. I’m also an artist and run an indie if y'all wanna see more of my muse’s roots. Bel’s been my emotional support muse for a good while and has gone through more character development than I have my entire lifetime, so although she may seem like a big softie compared to the rest of the muse crowd here, here’s hoping she can hold her own!

Bel Zinone Abridged: Devil’s Highway Vers.

Her mama is an undocumented immigrant who fought tooth and nail for her piece of the American dream. Much of this was due to the help of a vigilante organization that helped her flee from Europe, but her reputation was volatile enough to charm them into seeking out her membership.

Thanks to their international influence, she was able to keep running with the Wallflowers across the continental U. S. She soon settled down with her husband, a high profile (albeit black market) doctor, and raised her two children beneath the protection of the empire they built all the way from the city underbelly up to the high class elite.

Bel and her older brother Beau were relatively spoiled children until he left for the army and the family secrets started to leak. Adolescence was already hard on her, with her elusive sexuality and growing dysphoria yanking her identity chains, but as soon as she discovered her parents’ reign over the criminal underground, Bel doubted the authenticity of her upbringing and fled to the southern inlands with the resolve to make it on her own.

Little did she know that she’d find herself right smack in the middle of a gang war of the very nature she tried to escape. However, this time was going to be different. She wasn’t going to be at their mercy.

They were going to be at hers, for she offered one of the few medical resources in the entire desert that didn’t come with the liability of a paper trail.

In the meantime, she floats between bunny ranches, strip clubs, and the odd burlesque show. When she’s not working, she can be found frequenting bars, on Instagram, streaming her cam, tinkering with her Widowmaker, or looking for a good meatball sub.

Whereas she would’ve used her earnings to run as far away as possible from her past, Bel ironically finds solace in the lucrative lifestyle, calling a cozy studio apartment home and splurging on the occasional odds and ends that make the closeted queer life she embodies just a bit more bearable.

Relationships for her? I’m not gonna lie: despite the past rancor she’s had for her parent’s occupations, she genuinely wants to help and support people, patching them up so they’re good to go back to whatever they were doing without judgement. Her view of the life’s changed and she’s come to understand the institutions (as well as will) that brings people to commit and run with crime. She’s yet to make peace with her family, but she’s come to terms with the blood she’s from and wants to make a difference in peoples’ lives. That being said:

Give her your tired, your poor, your horny

A job @ Paradise, maybe? Maybe she could learn about the surrounding gang activity from other dancers / affiliates or Kimi when she applies?

Maybe she could’ve known Esmeray from medical school?

Seeing other muses in the medical field are inspiring some joint black market clinic potential~

Maybe she could’ve known Rodrigo from when he was doing his work, possibly from Backpage before it got shut down?

On this note, maybe Nikki too? (Hello~)

If there are any other queer muses around, maybe they can shine a community light on her? Potentially while she’s yanking a shank out of their shoulder?

If there are any single muses too, I’d love to develop a ride-or-die boo or friend for her.

Last but not least, if we still need prospects and other make characters I’d be game af to have Beau go AWOL and trade his fatigues for a potential patch (maybe through the Mexican border with Nikki, if she’s gonna hate Bel asdkjfnaks). ♡

𝓐𝓹𝓹𝓵𝓲𝓬𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷

OUT OF CHARACTER

INTRODUCTION: Sal (24) they/them/theirs ; PST ACTIVITY: I'm in my last year of undergraduate study and will have class three days a week on average. I'll be online at least once a day and will be able to devote most of my week to nitty-gritty writing as well as plotting. PASSCODE: angel wings and/or crown MISCELLANEOUS: I've been running an indie oc rp blog for almost five years (same character @belzinone) and this will be my first group/skeleton/rl fc rp. I'm worried about being ignored/left behind/largely uninvolved in threads and plotting because that has largely been my experience in discord server rp groups, but y'all seem to have good administration going on so I'm not feeling so worried anymore. I look forward to the experience if you'll have me. :)

IN CHARACTER

NAME: Bel Zinone DATE OF BIRTH: (March/08/1991) (28) PLACE OF BIRTH: San Francisco, California GENDER/PRONOUNS: demifemme｜she/her/hers AFFILIATION: N/A RANKING: N/A OCCUPATION: freelance sex worker, hitwoman, & black market physician FACE CLAIM: Antonia Thomas

BIOGRAPHY

triggers: domestic violence, murder, abuse, misandry, severe burns, sex work Her mother was an undocumented immigrant, fleeing from her orphaned past and domestic abuse in the Italian slums. A headstrong, promiscuous, and violent woman, it wasn't long until she found sisterhood amongst a like-minded gang of vigilante women with international influence called the Wallflowers, well-versed in her infamy and coming to her aid while she was pregnant with her son and escaping prosecution for murdering her husband. Risa Zinone, codenamed La Eglantina, docked in New York city, giving birth to her son Beau Zinone and raising him with the rest of her sorella while continuing her bloodthirsty occupation of murdering abusive men and liberating survivors from their regimes of terror. However, one could only run with the Wallflowers for so long before beginning to challenge their belief system, however righteous it claimed to be. The murderer mother fell in love with the black market doctor who saved her life and once again fled across the country and retired so she could live a peaceful life with him, safe from the constraints and watchful eyes of the sisterhood, but not without heavy cost. She suffered major burns to her entire body by a fire and had to undergo near total facial reconstruction, a miracle performed by the love of her life. In exchange for her life, she'd no longer bear resemblance to her children. Thus Bel Zinone was born on the opposite side of the country as her brother, hilly San Franscisco. She was a wildly rambunctious child, calmed only by the sounds of her brother's guitar strings and a profound interest in her father's work. Little did she know, her living was earned via the illicit means of her parents and their continued association with the country's underbelly. Shambled by the loss of one of their most valuable members, the Wallflowers had undergone a civil war. A near complete overhaul of organizational structure and creed had taken place, leading to an abysmal divide between the matriarchal supremacy of days past and the new order. Enemies of the new regime all around the world were sought out, assassinated, and replaced with a stronger, more diverse membership. During that witch hunt, Risa was reinstated into the Wallflowers with her husband Dmitri and the power couple ruled the pacific branch. The Zinone's hid their criminal affiliations well. Dmitri, a renowned surgeon specializing in the central nervous system, Risa, an uptown socialite who moonlighted cabaret clubs as a jazz singer. Their children had a generous, almost spotless adolescence until Beau graduated high school and joined the military. He was an upstanding, self-righteous man, yet his fatigues all but killed the respect his little sister had for him. As the Zinone siblings grew up, their parents had to try all that much harder to hide their criminal affiliations, often leaving the two with ample bonding time and hiding various criminal survival skills (like how to fight and use firearms among other things) under the guise of "street smarts". Combined with her surfacing struggles with her sexuality and gender identity, Beau's abandonment was very hard on Bel. Her high school antics began to resemble those of her mother during her youth, starting fights, finishing others' fights, and getting dress coded nearly every day. If not for physical altercations, the young lady spent most of her time in the principal's office for getting into arguments with teachers and staff over technicalities in her STEM courses and exposing discrimination in curriculums and attitudes throughout. If not for her parents' powerful influence, she never would've dodged juvie, let alone made it to college. Fortunately, she found her calling and started settling down as soon as her father invited her to his workplace in the hospital. College was a breeze for her, even as a fierce insistence to be independent led to her paying her own tuition. She was no party animal or sorority sister, but the continuing troubles she had with her sexuality and gender identity pushed her towards casual sex work and the porn industry when work-study wasn't enough. Bel was steadily making her way through adult life, planning to devote the rest of it to medicine like her father. However, as she started having to use her special "survival skills" more and more, she slowly began to realize there was more to her parents than she thought. The Wallflowers were growing in influence, and La Eglantina's daughter was growing a bounty on her head as well. By the time she cornered her parents with the truth, she was already well into medical school and bore nods of her mother's pseudonym and her father's occupation on her back. The betrayal she felt when her brother left her resurfaced as she uncovered her parents lies, spurring her to cut her familial ties and live her own life exclusively by her own means. Bel rejected her father's footsteps in favor of sex work, something she pursued entirely of her own volition, and eventually found herself amongst the "bunny ranches" in Las Vegas, where her life in the crossfire between the Sinners and Jokers would begin. CHARACTER QUOTE: "Do no harm but take no shit." CHARACTER ANTHEM: Half God Half Devil｜In This Moment

EDIT: Risa Zinone fled from Europe as a result of Romani persecution.

P.S.: I reiterate that this is my first group/skeleton/rl fc rp. This is all pretty overwhelming so please have patience with me and for those of y’all who have a lot of experience with these things, please help me out <3

#info

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veridium · 5 years

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just another girl

HELLO, HOT MESS EXPRESS.

Here I have one hot, out-of-the-angst-oven segment of Isabella’s and my baby, our college AU adventures. Safe to say, Olivia is not having a great week. But, in the true queer tradition, friendship backs you up and shines when would-be-romance falls flat. So, I thought she could use some quality time with a certain brilliant woman by the name of Montilyet...

special thanks to The Killers for being the soundtrack inspo for this segment (obvi..)

part 1 // part 2 // part 3 // part 4 // part 5 // part 6 // part 7 // part 8 // part 9 // part 10 // part 11 // part 12 // part 13 // part 14 // part 15

Her weekend could have best been represented by the barrage of texts she gets over the course of two days. Ones she doesn’t even begin responding to until Sunday evening:

Theia: Hey, Ellinor messaged the group chat for you. You wanna go out tonight? You know dancing always cheers you up! Btw I’m gonna kill her

Sera: Hey dude, I’m on my way back into town, ya need anything? I can pick up some of the weed from that shop outside town…

Sera: ya know, the one you kept calling “smokin’ hot blonde”?

Dorian: Not that I care, but you haven’t annoyed work chat with memes, so...I thought I’d ask, you alive?

Josie: Theia told me everything. I have a busy week, but keep Wednesday at 2 open for me? It’s back quad bikini time :)

The queer web is tiny, but mighty.

The last message is the most foreboding in its enthusiasm. Josephine joined into their friend group after her and Theia fell head over heels for each other. An unlikely pairing -- a college dropout-turned-mechanic and the SGA President and leader of several clubs. But they were so good together; despite their differences, they made sense.

She used to wonder the same thing about her and Cassandra, but, that is something she can’t even stomach anymore. She can only cry, cry, and cry some more. She cries so much the 24 hours after their meeting that she googles WebMD asking if it’s possible to die or get sick from it. But, eventually, the faucet does run dry.

If it wasn’t for Ellinor’s supervision and assurance that Olivia gets in and out of the shower, has at least two decent meals both days, and has plenty of space to grieve, she would have likely receded into her closet of emo clothes and hid for the rest of the semester. If you went simply by the sounds coming from her door, you’d swear Paramour was having their own multi-day music festival in her room. The more she languishes the more it feels pointless: an argument that ended unresolved and with so much left unsaid. But it isn’t just the argument, or the flyer, or the kiss that crashed before it even took off. It’s the whole fucked up pizza: the fact that Cassandra gives her so much and so little at the same time. Little to no blunt reassurance, but all the feelings that come with it.

Olivia knows she’s gotten in deep when, even in the thick of her weekend haze, she still checks her phone for texted musings or rants from a certain someone. But there’s nothing. She listened, perhaps for the last time.

When Monday morning rolls around she figures the best way to move on is to suppress and get on with everything. Ellinor is on day 3 of quietly walking on air since she dropped off the cookies on Saturday. She’s glowing, even dressed in her linty green-and-blue flannel draped over her black ripped jeans and grey tank top. Her hair is braided all pretty, too, and walks with more energy down into the stairwell than Liv has ever seen her in the early Monday morning. Cullen’s making her happy.

Good. As he should.

Monday and Tuesday are the days when she tries her best to latch back onto reality. Monday it’s a sweatshirt in jeans, no makeup, but washed hair. Her homework is done -- not as meticulously as it usually is -- but it is correct. She gives back graded work to the class she TA’s for and despite a few groans and curses, the class is too happy with not having a Professor to talk at them to bother her. Or, maybe it’s the way everything about her aura screams “don’t fuck with me, I’m on my last fucking straw, you fresh meat.”

Tuesday evening she walks home after work, keys in her hand and gym bag on her shoulder. She notices the same preps that scowled at her in the parking lot hanging out in the window of one of the student cafes. They don’t know she exists, and happily talk amongst themselves, though they have the same air of “too good for everyone but Jesus and even then, it’s debatable.” She stops on the curb and stares, pondering whether or not to confront them. She could be ballsy since she has nothing left now to lose, and have a rom-com triumph moment.

Her hand buzzes from her phone, which she is clenching with unresolved angst.

Josie: Don’t forget about tomorrow! I’ll bring Starbucks. Theia says hello. XO

Josie Montilyet. Josephine Montilyet. You never broke plans with her if you were an acquaintance, and you surely never did so when you were friends. Olivia sighs to herself and responds with a heart emoji. After that she looks down the sidewalk, and can see the top corner of her dorm building through the various peaks of red brick and concrete architecture. The trees nuzzled in between them have been changing color, and now match. It’s the season where everyone is getting together and finding who they want to take home to the parents for the holidays. Everyone’s holding hands or studying up against one another. Somewhere, for all she knows -- who is she kidding, she does know -- Ellinor is either cuddling or wishing she could cuddle her selected partner.

She slips her phone into her coat pocket and pushes her headphones into her ears. With a sore heart she keeps walking. The preps aren’t worth it. Not this time.

The following day she goes to class and doesn’t bother with anything else. Wednesdays are when she and Cassandra would cross paths on the north pavement on quad in the morning, and say hello. She wants nothing to do with it, now, and heads out the back door of her building after her class.

Cassandra has become like a ghost to her by day 5 of their embargo on one another. She doesn’t show her face anywhere near Olivia’s dorm, and neither does Olivia tread near the suites where she and her puppy-dog roommate dwell. It starts to become a question of whether or not she cared enough to miss her when they aren’t speaking. Irrational, but, in the silence it’s easy to think Cassandra in all her stoicism is somewhere on campus unaffected, doing soccer drills or making freshman philosophy majors cry.

But she still checks her phone, and still there are no messages. Reading the old ones again and again has gotten old. No word, no face, no presence. Just wondering about and rehearsing the disaster that caused it all in her head, over, and over, and over again. This is getting ridiculous, she thinks to herself, as she gets back to her dorm at 1:30pm. Ellinor is there, stopped in for a quick pick-up of a few things before she is off to wherever she has plans to be.

“Hey, Queen of the Underworld,” Ellinor knocks on her open door before stepping in. Olivia has taken to laying across her bed, hands across her stomach. “Whatcha up to?”

She shrugs. “Relaxing.”

“You’re looking good. Is that...highlighter I see on those cheeks?” she pinches her on the side of her hip and sits down beside her on the bed. “Did you, dare I say, contour this morning?”

Olivia rolls her eyes and grins like the sour brat she is. “I had to, I’m hanging out with Josephine today and she makes me feel like a turnip when I am in her glorious presence.”

“I see,” Ellinor snorts, leaning onto her elbow. “So Theia sent her after you to make sure you’re alive? What, am I not good enough?”

“It’s not that! It’s just...ya know, the queer mafia. We look out for one another. Everyone knows everyone or knows someone who would know the someone you want to know.”

Ellinor tilts her head. “That...makes absolutely know sense. Can you speak human, please?”

Olivia giggles and pokes her in the nose, causing her to laugh along with her. Ellinor stands up and circles the room -- the room Olivia took care to stress clean Monday night after she realized she was living in the squalor of her depression. It looks good, but it’s not as homey or warm as it usually feels.

“Well, you have a good time, then. I’m sure Josie has a plan for resurrecting you. That woman is formidable.”

“Pfft,” Olivia huffs, “there’s a reason why she has diplomatic immunity in like three countries, okay.”

“Three?! The fuck?” Ellinor turns. “How?”

“Fuck if I know!”

“I thought she just studied abroad a bunch.”

Olivia sits up and leans against the wall. “Yeah, but, she--”

“I merely interned at several government agencies during my abroad summers, Ellinor,” a bright, brilliant voice projects confidently from the doorway. “The diplomatic immunity is more like a diplomatic ‘acknowledgement.’”

Josephine steps in like an angel descending upon the unworthy mortals of 21C hall. Dressed in a purple sundress and holding a lawn chair under one arm and her back of scholarly secrets in the other, her hair in a voluminous ponytail of curls and braids. She is taller than them both, not by much, but her presence makes it feel like ten feet of difference.

She smiles, and looks to Olivia. “Hello, my dear. Sorry, I arrived a bit early.”

Olivia’s brows are lifted, mouth in an agape “O.” “H-hey, Josie, it’s no trouble. I’m ready anyways.”

Josie gives her the once-over. “That is an interesting fashion interpretation of ‘bikini.’”

“Oh, crap, right,” Olivia exhales and slides off her bed. While she goes to her closet to pick out her swimsuit that’s without a doubt buried under ten mountains of fall wear, Josephine and Ellinor are left to make conversation. Which goes something like this:

“Hey, Josie.”

“Hello, Ellinor! How are you?”

“Uh, good. I’m good. I’m...this boy I’m hanging out with is really cool, and…” she blurts it out, her words slightly fumbling with...silliness? Is she feeling silly all of a sudden? No, it’s just the warm and open tolerant atmosphere Josie seems to bring wherever she goes, emanating like perfume.

“I have heard! You both look adorable together, may I just say. The perfect combination of grunge and gullible charm. Very sweet!”

“I...thanks!” Ellinor smirks, embarrassed and honored at the same time. Olivia knows the feeling. “I...I feel like I’ve said things I never would say out loud ever in my life. I...I think I should go. I have to study anyway, uh, thanks for taking Olivia out.”

Olivia looks back and glares. “Taking me out?! Am I a chihuahua or something?”

Josephine laughs the scorn off the room with ease. “It is no trouble. I’ve missed her! Thank you for sharing her, Ellinor. Take care.”

Ellinor smiles and waves like a BBQ dad and sees herself out, a little too eager to not be basking in the light of Josephine Montilyet and the self-deprecating honesty she seems to inspire in her wake. Now alone with her, Olivia plays with the strings of her bikini in her hands, a bit timid at the idea.

“You sure this is a good idea, Josie? I mean, It’s Fall, and…”

“Agh, of course I am! It is currently 78 degrees outside and no wind. It is probably one of the last hot days of the year. Besides, it’s you who’s in need of some sun, my dear vampiric friend.”

Olivia blushes and side-eyes her standalone mirror in the corner, where indeed, her paleness is the first noticeable thing about her reflection. Cringing to herself, she takes a breath and nods. “Alright, you’ve got a point.”

“I know I do,” Josie giggles, stepping towards the door. “Now, you get that little number on and let’s get out of here. I am finally going to hear all about this mystery person Theia says she doesn’t know yet swears she’s going to kill her.”

“You think she would?” Olivia chuckles, taking off her cardigan.

“Psh! Over my beautiful, curvy, and impossible to improve or replace body if she does,” Josie winks with a tease. “Now, hurry, or we’ll run into the in-between class rush at Starbucks and they have a berry tea with my name on it.”

Front quad was the picturesque place where everyone walked and the marketing photographers for the university took more pictures than they needed. Pretty, but boring.

Back quad, on the other hand, was where students could lounge and sprawl on blankets and under trees and actually be themselves. Everyone from couples sucking face to the school’s rollerblading club can be found there. It’s an interesting dichotomy, divided by the Honors building and clock tower at the heart of campus. When Josephine and Olivia were first getting to know each other, it was when Theia was still enrolled, and back quad was a more frequented hangout spot.

Having gotten their iced teas -- which ended up being heaven sent, as Josie was right about the heat -- they find their spot by one of the walkways intersecting the quad lawn and put up camp. Two short lounge chairs and a red blanket to go underneath, and that is all it takes for Josie to set her stuff down and slip off her dress.

“Ugh, thank goodness,” she says with relief, revealing her high-waisted yellow two-piece, “It’s been too long.”

Olivia, more paranoid given her last two weeks of ‘yikes’-worthy circumstances, delays her strip-down. Shoving her hair up in a bun, it’s hard not to feel like eyes could be on her at any point, trying to find more reasons to hate her.

“You come all this way just to get sweater tan lines?” Josie asks, settling into her chair and pulling a book onto her lap.

“Uh, no,” Olivia shakes her head. She knows what Josie is doing, because everything Josie does has a dual-benevolent purpose. So, she goes along, for the sake of appreciating her taking the time. Slipping out of her shorts and over-sized sweater, Liv reveals her black string bikini.

People from across the quad stop and stare at them, and that is the point. As she sits down on her chair and puts on her large round black sunglasses, she wishes they could all scram.

“It’s always a good idea to spend time out in one’s community,” Josie narrates, in her half-flirty, half-student body Presidential tone.

“You think?”

“Yes, Liv,” Josie plays and puts her own sunglasses on. “Especially for the one for whom papers are pinned onto doors mocking her sacred bodily and sexual autonomy.”

Olivia blushes and looks at her. “Josie! You know?!”

Josie hunches one shoulder. “I...may have...inquired…”

“Ugh,” Liv tossed her head back, her legs scrunching up against her stomach. “I want to disappear. I want to disappear into this grass lawn and never emerge again. God almighty.”

While she laments, Josie closes her book onto her thumb gently and reaches a hand, resting it on Liv’s forearm. It’s comforting, if not a sweet bit of salt on her wounds. “Liv, don’t worry, it won’t be a thing if you don’t want it to be. I just wanted to show some...solidarity. I know SGA Presidents don’t have all the clout in the world, but, we do have some to spare.”

Dual plan revealed, then. Olivia can’t blame her, nor can she be mad at her. Josie didn’t ascend into her roles by being cold and calculating in her ambition; she did because she was everyone’s favorite. She visited people in the tutoring lounges, shared baked goods with custodial staff, and learned everyone’s secrets which she handled with the warmest, and indeed precise, attention. Things got a bit rough for her when it was revealed she was queer, and dating someone not necessarily in her scholarly echelon, but that was a year ago. If anything, it made her a bit more unapologetically decisive. She did not mince her words, or her loyalties.

“I just…” Olivia held her breath, “I handled it. It’s fine. That flyer was where it ended.” And where her and Cassandra ended, ultimately. Ouch.

“Are you sure?” Josie slid back further into her lounging position, reopening her book. She reached over to her bag and found one of her lecture notebooks, flipping it to the page she last left notes on. “I mean, remember what I got when I went public with Theia?”

“Yeah, but, Josie, the people after you were also being racist assholes. You had reason to be concerned. All I got is one shitty note and suddenly everything has become a Victorian serial novel. And Cassandra, she...it’s gone too far with the intrigue. I’m fine. It was just some foolish prank.”

Josie does a tsk tsk click of her tongue, her head tilting from side to side. Her thinking maneuver. “That’s how they like to start it, Olivia. But you’re giving them what they want -- that’ll just make them think they can demand more of you while being anonymous still. You remember what I ended up doing after the five-hundredth gossip post on Yik Yak, after weeks of me trying to keep my relationship private?”

Olivia puckered her lips while she recalled. It was a long while ago, though that drama was hard to forget even when she was just a witness to it. Then, the light bulb went off.

“Hah!” Olivia concedes gleefully, “you lounged out on quad in your bikini with Theia during that heat wave spring semester.” Damn. Some things never changed when it came to college survival tactics.

Olivia looks and sees Josie smiling with pride, head held high while she pulls the cap off her yellow highlighter. “Precisely.”

They settle into homework and lounging, Olivia feeling her shoulders and arms burn even with her double layer of SPF 100 rubbed on. People walk by, more often than not glancing their way, some with smiles and others with confused frowns. A lot of them say hello and greet Josie, who matches their excitement at every turn. Endless energy, endless kindness. At one point, a couple of players from Cullen and Cassandra’s soccer team walk by -- something that makes Olivia want to crinkle up like a raisin. If it wasn’t for Josie’s confidence encouraging her to remain as she is, she likely would. They gawk at her, one nodding as if he knows her, but they don’t engage. Olivia just pouts, spread out in her itty-bitty-gothic-bikini, her sunglasses providing ample cover.

“Josie!” a voice called from up the walkway, paired with a waving hand. Both women looked up, Liv’s heart skipping a beat. It’s no one she recognizes, though. Thankfully.

“Ah! Leliana, there you are.”

The woman is dressed like a European artist and jet-setter, really. A head of red hair in an asymmetrical bob, precision cut and shining in the sunlight. Her black blazer looks tailored, rolled up sleeves on her elbows. She walks like she owns the whole college but doesn’t want anyone to know. A subtle kind of boldness. Upperclassmen, at the very least. Grad student, maybe.

She’s holding folders to her chest. When she arrives in front of them, Josie stands and hugs her. So they were friends.

“I’ve brought the reports you wanted. I only had to slightly hack,” Leliana grins, handing them off to Josie. “Just slightly.”

“Ah, well, don’t worry. It should be public knowledge anyway.” Public knowledge? What on Earth were they uncovering? The location of the stolen Declaration of Independence?

Olivia watches and remains still, laying out on her chair and hoping to blend into it like camouflage. Unfortunately, when the hand-off is completed, Leliana’s lightly-colored eyes look past the SGA President and onto her companion behind her.

Nope, too pale. Always too pale. Makes her noticeable from space.

“And is this who I think it is?” she asks, like she already knows the answer and is just being nice.

Olivia’s brow twitches. “Depends on what informs your thinking, I would say,” she replies a bit curtly, her mouth getting ahead of her manners.

Leliana’s grin widens. “Blonde hair, blunt mouth, and bold style. Olivia Sinclair, we meet at last.”

What? The? Fuck?

Olivia stands at once, trying to make it look casual. She pulls at the drawstrings on either end of her bikini bottom piece and comes a bit closer.

“And who, might I ask, knows me so well?”

Josie makes room, now the mediating person between the two staring at each other. Of course, she is never one to be out of her element in odd social situations, and holds a hand out to the both of them.

“I cannot believe you two don’t know each other! Liv, Leliana takes classes in your major. Leliana, this is, indeed, Olivia.”

“Unfortunately, I don’t think we’ve had any classes with her, Josie, so I wouldn’t know.” Olivia does her best to go along with Josie’s pleasantries, but if her reputation precedes her as being bold and blunt, why not fit the bill?

“No, I’m afraid she’s right,” Leliana agrees, “I am more involved with the communications and international studies than poli sci. You?”

Olivia doesn’t miss a beat. “Governance, theory, and policy.” Reciting her major focus word for word, like she’s had to say so many times before.

“Mhm.” Leliana folds her arms, vindicated. “It’s nice to put a face to the name, though. You probably gathered the fact, but, I’ve heard about you.”

Olivia grows a bit colder under her skin, and she folds her arms to match her posture. “From who, exactly? Do you mean Josie?”

“From…” Leliana’s grin grows into a smile, “people I know, and know well. People whose recommendation I consider very...well, what would the word be?” she glances at Josie.

“Ah, esteemed, maybe?” Josie offers happily.

“Yes...esteemed, we’ll go with that.” Her eyes return to Olivia. “Like I said, it’s good to meet you. Now that I know you are also friends with Josie, I imagine we’ll see more of each other. I am the Honor Board Chair, and sitting in for the SGA Secretarial position as the previous person had to...resign, rather recently.”

“Oh?” Olivia replies, interested but also not. Even though she was a poli sci major, she had no interest in student government. Too ceremonial for her tastes. Obviously, though, some people did not agree.

“Yes,” Leliana snickered a bit, looking at Josie. “Well, student government drama as per usual,” she has a sudden burst of personability, shrugging and letting her arms fall and pat her sides. “I should get going. I have a review for my drawing class tomorrow and have made shit progress on it since yesterday. See ya, Josie. And you, Olivia.” She waves low and sees herself off back on the sidewalk path heading east, where the art buildings are.

In her wake, Olivia feels like she’s no longer in the direct eye of a hawk.

“Uh…” she relaxes, “Josie, you have interesting taste in friends.”

Josie giggles. “You know it. Leliana and I go way back, though. Back to first semester Model UN. She was a ruthless lobbyist. But she has a heart of gold, too. She’s a student Chaplain when she’s not being a superhero on Cabinet. I think you two would get along, she has a lot of of views you do.”

“Views? Like what?”

“You both want a different pie as opposed to a slice of it. I’ll just say that.” Josie gracefully steps over her lounge chair and seats herself back down, sighing with ease as she gets back to ‘business.’

“Huh,” Olivia gives in, and sits down as well. Crossing her straightened legs out and grabbing her textbook, her thoughts can’t let go of the knowing stare in Leliana’s green -- or were they blue? Anyway, they were eyes, and eyes that did not get distracted easy by the looks of them.

“So...you and Cassandra Pentaghast.” Josie returns the topic Liv had tried her hardest to let fall into irrelevance.

Olivia flinches, huddling her book against her chest. “People can hear!”

Josie laughs and flutters her hand dismissively. “Oh, fine, fine. I just wish you would have mentioned it earlier. She and I run in similar circles, after all. I could have given you advice!”

“Advice on what? How to get tossed into the lake to sink or swim on accusation of witchcraft?” Olivia groans. It was such a pleasant afternoon for as long as it lasted. Now she’s back in her own personal circle of hell, talking about her.

“Agh, you’re so funny,” Josie giggles some more. “I would have told you where I’ve seen her, what seems to pique her fancy...or, in her case, doesn’t. Her family has investments in half the town’s commerce. They’re on boards for most every nonprofit entity: museums, parks, the art galleries…”

Art galleries. Art. Oh, shit.

Olivia slams her book shut and looks up. “Wait, shit, you don’t think she’ll be at the Board gala this weekend?!” she asks, but she has a hunch. She knows Cassandra well enough (regrettably) to infer such a schmoozing, elitist event would be the antithesis of a good Saturday night for her. Still, in Olivia’s desperate suspicion, nothing can go unchecked.

Josie is cool as a cucumber in comparison to her friend’s frazzled nerves. “I don’t think so. The soccer team has that game this weekend, I thought? I was supposed to show, but, my parents want me at the gala. Yvette’s painting is being exhibited there. Finally, all that art school tuition…” she starts, but stops the sentence and sighs, turning the page of her book. “Anyway, Cassandra is not the social butterfly her family might wish her to be. I hardly ever see her at events with our families, and when I do, she’s always keeping to the background and quick to leave.”

That is her. Olivia can almost quote her off of her memory: Events where nothing substantial is going on besides drinking and showing off money make me want to stick pins in my eyes. It made Olivia laugh, because in her own way, she agrees. Especially with everything her own family puts her through to make her shape up for who they think she should be. It was one of the many reasons why Olivia feels seen when she was in Cassandra’s company. Or, felt, as it was.

“It is kinda fascinating, though. I mean, Cassandra’s one of those women people wonder about...you know, who they...are attracted to,” she raises a brow, “but no one’s ever had the guts. It’s like a movie.”

It is like a movie, and it’s exhausting. “Well, if anything, I’ve likely just confirmed the conservative estimates. At least she won’t be there this weekend and I can keep getting space. I don’t want to worry about running into her. I have enough on my mind, emotionally preparing for my Mother’s bullshit.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t answer for her. Don’t you hate that when people try to do it for you?” Josephine doesn’t bother looking up from her reading, but she delivers honest criticism. It hits home. “And as for your Mom, you should just tell your you’ll go shopping with me. She loves me, does she not?”

“Hah! Yeah,” Olivia confirms, “I think if I told her you were my girlfriend, she’d lie and say she listened to Macklemore and had a come-to-Jesus moment. Shit, she’d probably start fundraising for the Human Rights Campaign.”

They both laugh, Josephine’s bubbly tone underpinned by Olivia’s lower, mischievous one.

“If only,” Josephine says through her laughter, “but hey, at least we can find something for you to wear that isn’t sequined, lace, and beige.”

“Ugh, please?!”

“I have my connections,” Josephine peers at her, and takes hold of her hydroflask, a large pansexual pride flag sticker pasted on it. Olivia chuckles and grabs her own canteen, which has a bisexual flag sticker on it to match. They clink them together, smile, and continue on with their strategic lounging.

“That never gets old,” Olivia sighs, picking back up on the paragraph she left off.

#college au #ellinor trevelyan #olivia sinclair #josephine montilyet #adventures of ellinor and olivia #COLLEGE AU UPDATE #WOOOOO #friendship fic

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centaurianthropology · 5 years

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The Magnus Archives ‘Sculptor’s Tool’ (S04E06) Analysis

What a … lovely episode for Valentine’s Day. You can always count on this podcast to bring the horrific weirdness right when we need it the most. Come on in to hear what I have to say about ‘Sculptor’s Tool’.

The statement itself was fantastic. The Spiral statements are always ones that lend themselves to having Jonny’s imagination run wild, and this was no exception. I also appreciate that it seems to be a story of a woman who seemed to have been a stay-at-home mother for a university student, whose wife worked, and who got bored. So she was an avid goer to adult education classes. It was again nice to see how TMA quietly handles LGBTQ representation. I especially appreciate having representation of older individuals, because the LGBT elderly tend to be altogether invisible, and often forced back into the closet in order to get care.

But that’s me getting on my soap box. Suffice to say, having a middle-aged-to-older queer woman as the statement giver was quite lovely.

It was also fun to have a statement that kept me guessing for a long time as to which power was in play. Sculpting and art initially struck me as something for the Stranger, but the twisting shapes and the looping almost-fish and the manipulation of perception eventually took me down the Spiral’s route. It all seemed far too much like Father Burrough’s experience, and though Gabriel isn’t Michael, they seemed akin.

And then, of course, Michael did show up. Well, not Michael, but the Distortion. Michael wasn’t yet Michael, at this point, or he actually was Michael and not ‘Michael’. Yay Spiral confusion. Gabriel, if I have to guess, was another avatar like the Distortion, and his sculpting the door may well have been a part of the Spiral’s ritual.

His relocation to Sannikovland definitely seems to be evidence for that. If he had gone there to assist the Spiral in the ritual, he may well have been there to help create the structure in which the ritual was to be performed. It would seem a good job for a Sculptor.

Or a Worker in Clay, as Michael would go on to call him.

And it sounds like whatever was occupying Gabriel was also starting to work its way into Deborah. Both from the way that Jon sounded less and less cogent as he read the statement, and the revelations of what really happed to Mary, her fellow student, I have a genuine fear that the others in the class were always ancillary, and that she and Gabriel were locked together in this dance the whole time.

It makes me wonder if there’s a new Sculptor, now that Gabriel’s dead, and if he even predicted the need to have a backup.

Back in the Archives, hearing Jon speculate about how he still finds what Gertrude did to Michael to be sad was relieving. No doubt he’s looking back on his own failures to save Tim and Daisy and wondering if it makes things better or worse that he didn’t mean for either of them to die.

For my part, I do think it’s better. It was Tim’s choice to die. He got to dictate when and how. He got to save the world willingly, rather than as a frightened and confused pawn like Michael. It gave Tim back the agency that Michael was denied.

And his concern for the others continues. I find it interesting that Melanie refuses to see Jon, but will still see Basira, when she was the one to insist that Melanie not be told before the procedure. Jon’s quite accepting of this, and likely understands that they’ve been through a lot together. Perhaps Melanie is more willing to forgive Basira than him after all that. Or perhaps she simply sees Basira as less of a threat.

And then, of course, there was the end, where we get a little more context about Martin. As some people suspected, he’s made a deal with Peter Lukas to keep the others safe, although what that might be is … questionable.

Peter talked about striking a balance, and I wonder if he’s not trying to make Martin some sort of hybrid between the Beholding and the Lonely to stop something. It’s unclear what, as Peter talked about the Watcher’s Crown as though that wasn’t the real concern. It was just Elias’ side project that distracted him from a bigger problem.

It also somehow involves Adelard Dekker, which makes me wonder if they aren’t trying to stop the rise of some new power. That is, of course, if Peter’s being honest about there being a real threat, and this isn’t just an attempt to convert Martin from the Beholding to the Lonely.

That does seem a distinct possibility, given that he seems convinced that their plan requires Martin’s isolation to work. I wonder how much of that is getting him enmeshed in the Lonely, and how much of it is keeping him from talking to Jon. It’s likely both, as Martin clearly wants to tell Jon what’s happening. Peter’s attempted manipulation of Martin to convince him Jon wouldn’t listen is particularly galling, knowing that, in Jon’s current state, he probably would listen.

It’s especially ominous, considering that Peter has told him that after whatever it is they do, Martin won’t want to tell Jon anything. This implies that, if Martin does commit to this, Martin will become enough of the Lonely’s creature that all regard for Jon will evaporate. He’ll ‘save’ everyone (again, questionable) at the cost of any and all connection he might have to him.

And that’s dangerous. Connections are what’s anchoring Jon so well. His regard for his friends, even in absentia, is making him more human than he has any right to be. If Peter did sever Martin’s connections to Jon and the others, I really worry that Martin could rapidly fall into being a monster.

But it was encouraging that the Beholding is starting to show interest in Martin in retaliation. Perhaps it wasn’t able to get to him with Jon comatose, but now that he’s back, the tapes are rolling around Martin as well. It may even be that the Beholding is trying to find a work-around to let them communicate. After all, with Jon’s powers growing, how long will it be until he simply KNOWS what he hears on the tapes?

And it’s also encouraging that Martin isn’t happily playing along. Whatever’s happening, he thinks it’s necessary, but he also hates it. And he doesn’t trust Peter any more than he trusted Elias. He wants to work with Jon, and only started working with Peter because Peter convinced him Jon would never wake up.

With the tapes rolling and the Beholding possibly pushing back against the Lonely’s hold on one of its longer-serving archivists, I think that there will be more to this conflict than Martin simply playing along to his peril. Whatever bargain was made, and whatever threat looms, I have the feeling that Jon will get himself tangled in it. After all, if the last season proved anything, it’s that if there’s trouble, Jonathan Sims will find it and land face-first in it.

#The Magnus Archives #analysis

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oversensitiveandoffputting · 5 years

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Okay, so,

I’m really worried that by publishing this I’m doing something irresponsible because there’s a lot of people in general who need serious mental health help and I don’t want people to become cynical or anything buuuuuuuuuut I’m just so frustrated because it’s like, near impossible to find a therapist that’s respectful of me. Almost all therapists are white, straight/cis, have some kind of conventional religious belief, and if they got something diagnosable, they sure as shit won’t let you know.

So my therapy journey began when my parents divorced and it was court-mandated. I went to, like, six different therapists with my sister and didn’t say a fucking word because I was intimidated into not getting treatment by my parents. It was messed up. Ironically, my mother’s a psychologist and I was raised in an environment that praised mental health treatment. don’t know. You don’t want to know my childhood. We’d be here for weeks.

And most therapists WANT to do well. They didn’t spend all that time and money for no reason. And they met me and made me feel welcome and we talked and I knew they were trying their best, they really were, but there was always that THING that kept me from getting what I needed. WANTing to do well and DOING well are two different things.

I’m AFAB. Despite most therapists being women, they don’t seem to know women very well. (Or, those of us who let them think of us as women until we finally correct them.)

And I guess I’m always the second queer person they meet? I say second because they need that first person to compare me to and decide I measure up short. I’ve had therapists tell me to stay in the closet because my life would be better. I have a same-sex fiancé. I’m not fucking shitting you. In 2019 I was told to stay in the closet. I should have known after she told me about all the gay friends she had she was a raging homophobe.

So after I’m done rolling my eyes and being way too patient about paying someone to ask very rude questions about my sexual awakening and how I found myself being genderqueer and how much of an ally they are before they reveal to me they haven’t done any research into queer theory into anything past 1980, then we get to the neurodiversity issues.

I can forgive people being insensitive about me being queer. It’s annoying but I’ve dealt with it enough that I can leave, laugh about it with people, and let it go as ignorance does not equal malice. But then I never meet the criteria to get the help I SPECIFICALLY ASK FOR because I’m not a difficult enough patient. I’m nice, I tell them everything they want to know without hesitating, minimal tears, and so I can’t be autistic. I can’t be ADHD. I can’t have BPD. I can’t have PTSD. We don’t focus on labels here. We just focus on trauma. And it’s even worse when they find out I’m a psych student, since then they tell me I’m a hypochondriac and to knock it off.

And I’m practically SCREAMING “I’ve done this. I’ve done this over and over. I don’t need an eighth retread over how my mother’s abuse left me with major abandonment issues. I know this. Just please help me not burn every bridge I have (BPD). Or how I can feel safer in the workplace while being ADHD/autistic since discrimination is very real. Or how I can stop focusing so much on my trauma and using it to define me as a person (PTSD). But I never get that. We never get there. They just keep talking over me because I’m traumatized and I’m like “Thank you. Can we move on now?” “No. Tell me more about how your dad was blaming you for acting out while your mother was driving you up the wall with behavior so fucked up people have cried after you told them?”

The fact I’m not a difficult enough patient to demand to be treated better is probably a trauma response to years of feeling unsafe and unheard, which you’d think they’d figure out. Being a therapist.

And I’m so frustrated because when someone is saddled with all kinds of trauma and problems and exhaustion from these issues should not have to go through all this effort to find out who is in their network for their individual problems, go to several appointments they either are paying for out-of-pocket or are being charged to their insurance and, if they have really good insurance, will be free, only to find out women can’t have autism because they don’t meet the checklist in the DSM for white male children (I’m being facetious, of course women can be autistic), they’re not queer enough, and holy shit I’m white so I can’t even imagine what POC must go through with some of these idiots.

And now I’m worried because I’m trying. I have EIGHT diagnoses and I’m trying and trying and trying and I can afford to leave therapists that make me uncomfortable and find a new one and I’m a psych student and raised in an environment where I understand the jargon so it’s a lot harder to pull the wool over my eyes and I’m fueled by literal spite towards everything and everyone, especially myself, so I will drag my exhausted, emotional ass to whatever therapist I found this week that I think won’t emotionally slap me in the face to keep trying to not let this get the better of me and FUCK I’m still not satisfied.

So...why are we telling everyone who has mental health issues to go seek therapy when it might just make the problem worse because god forbid they say “I’m gay” and the therapist says, “That’s nice, but maybe you shouldn’t tell people that because it’s such personal information” and they don’t immediately see right through it, fire her, and find someone else?

I don’t have a solution. If you have a therapist that works for you, I’m so, so happy. If you’re still looking, Same. And don’t feel bad, I guess. I’d even go as far as to try unconventional methods. Getting on medication and getting a dog have done WONDERS for my mental health. Go into a session GRILLING them about their competency with your issues and if you’re not comfortable, never go back. But JESUS therapists have to get continuing education to keep their license for a reason. Can a couple of those classes be “How to not spit in the face of your queer clients?” And “neurodiversity- not a plague and not just for boys.’ Please??? As well as I’m sure a shit ton of other cultural competency classes I’m positive are needed? Please? This is ridiculous. This is fucking ridiculous. This could be a Family Guy episode if so many lives weren’t at stake.

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hilarymp · 5 years

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BOOKSMART (2019) Review

While I watched Booksmart, one thought kept running through my head - “I wish this movie existed when I was in high school.” I identified with Amy and Molly, our two main characters, in more ways than almost every teen comedy character I’ve ever seen before combined. Amy’s queerness, Molly’s curves, both of their brains, both of their flaws. Booksmart was the epitome of hashtag relatable. For those who may be unfamiliar, Booksmart tells the story of two best friends on the night before their high school graduation. Having spent their entire high school careers being perfectly well behaved and focused on their grades and ambitions, the two set out to make up for lost time by attending a huge party but are met with several obstacles along the way. It’s a familiar premise but presented in a whole new way.

What really sets Booksmart apart from other teen films isn’t the fact that one protagonist is gay or that the other is probably considered “plus size” (which is another conversation altogether as Beanie Feldstein is only “plus sized” by hollywood standards. In reality she’s basically the size of most average American women, but I digress.) Such underdog archetypes aren’t entirely foreign to the cinematic landscape, but unlike other similar characters, Amy’s sexuality or Molly’s physique in no way fuel or inform the story being told. Amy has never kissed a girl, not because she’s closeted (the character has been out of the closet two years by the time the movie takes place) or because she encounters any homophobia (in a school with unisex bathrooms it’s safe to say that isn’t an issue), but because Amy’s main character flaw is her inability to put herself out there and challenge herself socially. Meanwhile Molly is mocked by her classmates, not for her bookishness (her intelligence and responsibility must be somewhat appreciated, as Molly is elected class president) or because of her appearance (in fact when Molly overhears her classmates make fun of her they make a point to say that she’s in fact very attractive.) Molly is the butt of their jokes because her hyper fixation on academic success has made her judgmental and standoffish. A typical teen comedy would be about the virgin or the geek overcoming the bullies and their misconceptions. But in Booksmart, our heroines only need to overcome themselves.

Though I saw myself reflected in these characters, one moment I identified with the most actually came from the girls’ favorite teacher, Miss Fine. She tells the girls that she is glad to see them finally let their hair down and have some fun, because she was much like them when she was younger. In fact she said her uptight teen years lead to her acting out so much in her 20s that shit took a dark turn there for a while. In that moment I had to fight the urge to scream “ME!” to the screen. Had Booksmart existed in the early aughts while I was still in high school, not only would I have been thrilled to see myself reflected in these characters, the film could also have functioned as a cautionary tale.

Growing up I was super uptight. I was a straight A student, active in clubs, honor society, volunteer work, the works. I let my entire self worth be dictated by my academic accomplishments, and it was exhausting. I even let these high standards dictate who I befriended, and I found out way too late that just because someone was popular or well behaved or top of their class didn’t necessarily mean they were good people. By graduation I was so burnt out on trying to be perfect that by college I had lost my goddamn mind, and ultimately I have no doubt that my whole life would be better today if I hadn’t been so hard on myself back then. I relate to Amy and Molly but I also envy them. I wish I had had that one big crazy night that put everything in perspective. But I found so much joy in seeing these characters experience it instead, and relief that the next generation isn’t completely doomed, as long as more films like Booksmart come along.

With all that said, I can reassure you, reader, that Booksmart is super entertaining even if you don’t necessarily relate to it. As a matter of fact, when I saw the film in the middle of a weekday, one of the only 3 other people in attendance was a single older gentleman, who, though he had resting bitch face, I was thrilled to see there. There’s a lot to love in Booksmart; the dialogue is quippy and hilarious, kind of like Diablo Cody meets John Hughes. And in contrast to our relatable protagonists there are also amazing over the top characters who are absolutely hypnotizing, namely Billie Lourde as the enigmatic (and possibly insane) Gigi. I’m always a sucker for physical comedy and there’s plenty on display here. The marriage of topical, smart dialogue and the occasional pratfall is *chef kiss* exquisite.

Booksmart isn’t perfect but it’s damn near, especially if you’re in the need of some unbridled fun. Even moments that I didn’t care for at the time, upon reflection, were fully redeemable. I’m trying to avoid spoilers here, but a good example is the romantic pairing of a character with someone who had up until that point been kind of an asshole to them. At the time I was totally turned off by the implication, but later thought back to moments like Claire kissing Bender in The Breakfast Club. He was a huge dickhead to her the entire movie, and yet their hooking up still made sense. If I can accept such a dichotomy in this 80’s heteronormative example, I could definitely excuse it here.

Over all Booksmart is an utter delight. We don’t see female stories like this very often, especially not ones directed by women as well. (Sidebar: A huge congratulations to Olivia Wilde for her first outing as a director by the way. Needless to say, she slayed it.) One could write an entire essay just about the myriad of shitty reasons why movies like this are so rare, but that’s a conversation for another day. In the meantime I can only pray to see more in the near future. So go see Booksmart asap, and maybe the powers that be will answer all our prayers.

#booksmart #movie review #olivia wilde #beanie feldstein #kaitlyn dever #billie lourde #film #film criticism #lgbtq #plus size

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forkanna · 5 years

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[AO3 LINK] [EF LINK]

"Wow, this place has really gone to the dogs."

Anna and Doc were walking up the steps toward the front doors of Dell Valley High. She really felt silly in the Sears getup Doc had hastily helped her procure: a faded denim miniskirt with fishnet stockings, and the gaudiest top she'd ever seen in real life. A parroting of actual 80s style as interpreted by greedy outlet stores.

For some reason, "Time Warp" started playing in the back of her head.

"Remember, we're not here to sightsee," Doc hissed, trying to stuff more of his hair up into the porkpie hat he thought was 'inconspicuous'. "We have barely over one week in which to figure this out. One week in which to cement the romantic bond between your parents before sending you back home. The lightning will strike the clocktower at precisely 10:04 PM next Saturday, and that is our only window of opportunity to harness its power to-"

"Yeah, yeah," she hissed as they wandered through the halls. It looked so grimy and dingy. After a moment, it dawned on her that it was because of the renovations in 2009; before that, evidently, it had been even worse. Of course it looked bad. "If we don't catch the lightning bolt, I'm stuck here forever, or until you can grab us some plutonium. I got it."

"Good. And I would rather not try for plan B, as I'm fairly certain it would bankrupt me and land me in a federal prison. Now… let me know the moment you see either your mother or your father."

Just then, the bell rang, and Anna backed up to the wall and tried to look busy. It was hard without a mobile phone to check incessantly; she didn't know what to do with her hands. She glanced up out of the corner of her eye until she spotted a familiar face, then groaned.

"There's Dad, alright."

Said "dad" was currently stumbling down the hallway, an armful of books clutched against his chest. Following closely, several boys, all of whom seemed to be… kicking him? As soon as he turned around to have a go at them, it became obvious why: he had a huge 'kick me' sign on his back. Anna couldn't entirely suppress a groan. That actually happened to real people? He had yet to notice her – he was trying to stop the boys, and failing spectacularly. One well-placed kick to his behind had him sprawling across the floor. He stood up as quick as he could, trying to yell at the boys to pick up his books, when a very familiar face stepped into view.

"Mr Weselton?" Anna whispered, more to herself than anyone. "Wow, has he always had that godawful toupee?"

The whole scene was equal parts pathetic and terrifying. No wonder it had taken a car accident for her parents to get together; pity, it seemed, was a fairly strong motivator. Finally – as soon as Mr Weselton had stalked off to harass some other unsuspecting student – she left Doc with a shrug and went over to help him up.

"Kristoff, heeeeey!" she said in a cheery voice, helping to gather his books and papers. She tried not to snort when she saw the words 'Trapper Keeper' on his binder, but then put that out of her mind for the moment.

"O-oh, it's you. What do you want?"

Again, she marveled that he could wind up with any woman, much less Elsa Baines. "What do I- hey, listen, I just wanna follow up on how you're doing. You know, after I saved you from the car?"

No harm in a little guilt. And it did the trick; he dipped his head in shame. "S-sorry about that. What I was doing… I m-mean, you probably want an explan-"

"Birdwatching, right? You had those binoculars." It was the excuse her parents always gave for his behaviour, which she now knew was a total lie. But she did her best to mask her feelings of disgust. "Accidents happen all the time, my friend."

"Right." He smiled very slightly. This was probably the first time any girl had done anything besides curl her lip at him and call him a nerd. "Anyway, I'm doing okay. How about you? I saw you got hit by that car, I w-wanted to help, but… I don't know, that man was so angry…"

"Yeah, no problem, er… dude." He gave a hesitant smile. Maybe this slang thing wasn't as hard as she thought. "Actually, about that. So, the guy who hit me, turns out his daughter goes here. Elsa Baines? And we got chatting, as y'know, us crazy kids do, and she mentioned like… seeing you around the 'hood. I'm just on my way to see her, you should come introduce yourself."

Whoa, reign it in, Anna. But fortunately he hadn't seemed to notice her terrible attempt at adapting and blending in. Instead, the color drained from his face. "You're not gonna tell her about the- the birdwatching, are you? Honest, I just like looking at her – not like that! I didn't- I fell because I didn't expect… to see all that. You know. I swear I've never looked in a window and seen…"

When he literally got too flustered to speak any further, Anna put her hand on his shoulder. "I won't tell if you don't," she said, fixing him with a steady gaze. "But maybe… don't do it again?"

He nodded sharply. "Done. Never happen again."

Well, that wasn't so hard. Anna wasn't sure if it was because Kristoff was trying to be noble or whether he was so wussy that he'd agree to anything; either way, it had the desired effect. Turning on her heel, she began walking down the hallway.

Every parent-teacher interview had begun with a 'sightseeing tour' to her parent's lockers. At the time, Anna had hated it, though now she was grateful because she at least remembered the vague area where her mother's was located. Kristoff was quiet for the most part, but when they neared Elsa and her small group of friends, he suddenly became quite nervous. She felt him tug on her elbow, bringing them both to a stop halfway down the hallway. She hadn't noticed them, and Anna doubted she would if they remained there.

"Is she really… interested in me?" he asked, wide eyes looking at Anna. Not a bad looking guy despite his clothes and haircut. If he had a makeover and a stronger personality, she had no misconceptions that he might be able to get a girl.

She had just started to form an answer, "Of course, you're a catch!" on her lips, when she was interrupted before she could begin. As it turned out, she had been wrong about how inconspicuous they were.

"Tori?!" Elsa cried, eyes lighting up and a wide smile on her face. She took a step forward, seemed to realise how obvious it was, and then took a step backwards to compensate. "Hey, how are you this morning? How's your head?"

A reddish hue had already begun to seep into her skin. It was adorable, and it was plain to see that Elsa was the worst closeted queer person Anna had ever laid eyes on. Her heart fell a little as she imagined what small, insignificant thing she would do that might eventually clue her parents in and begin the homophobic rants that all but beat the rainbows out of her. Stupid 80s and their backwards way of thinking.

"Doing great, great. No pain. Anyway… um, this is Kristoff. The boy I saved?"

"Hey," he said, though that seemed to be all he could get out.

What if she split the difference? Tried to tell a little of the truth without revealing the worst parts. "He was birdwatching, but… I got it out of him that the reason he was by your house is because he keeps trying to work up the courage to… well, y'know."

But Elsa didn't know. Or it seemed like she didn't care, because instead of glancing at him, she walked forward to reach up and gently touch Anna's bruise. "You're sure you're okay, Tori? It's looking a little black and blue now…"

Suppressing a shiver, Anna stepped backward with a shaky laugh. "Y-yeah, fine! So, um… about Kristoff-"

"I was just telling Ariel and Jasmine about you," Elsa went on as if there had been no interruption, barely gesturing to each girl as she introduced them. The ginger with the huge blue eyes kept glancing between her friend and the newcomer, equal parts mistrustful and curious. "How brave you were, and how cool you looked. What was that shirt you were wearing? It had, like, guns and roses on it. Pretty rad."

"O-oh, it's a band." At the last second, she caught herself – how old was GNR? "Up- up and coming. Seriously, they're going to be the next big thing."

This was not going at all how she wanted. The way Elsa was smiling made it apparent that it was going the way she wanted it to, though. Crud. Anna glanced over Elsa's shoulder, looking at her friends. The ginger – Ariel, she thought – was brushing a thin comb through her hair. The other was buffing her fingernails and glancing over at Elsa impatiently.

Come to think of it, Elsa hadn't really mentioned her friends last night, which got Anna curious. Leaning forward, voice lowering to a whisper, she asked, "Do your friends… know?"

Elsa didn't seem to understand at first; when it finally clicked, she looked like she was about to have a heart attack. She finally looked at Kristoff of her own accord, desperate for a distraction; he was looking at his shoes and trying to make himself seem smaller than he was – a feat in itself.

She didn't even need to answer, because that was telling enough. It was probably stupid to remind Elsa of her burgeoning sexuality, because she looked like she wanted to step even closer.

"Of course they know about you." Oh God. "I was telling them how my dad hit you with his car –

how brave it was for you to save your friend Christopher from the car."

"Kristoff," Kristoff interjected, head lifting for a second. Elsa completely ignored him.

"Right, Kristoff," Anna said. Back on task. "He really wanted to get to know you, but wasn't sure how. Because obviously, you look so hella rad." Seeing their blank faces, she went on, "Rad. Just rad. Sorry."

At that point, Elsa finally looked at him for longer than a half-second, but unfortunately he had chosen that moment to glance over his shoulder at a noise that had come from down that hallway. Like a scared little mouse. 'Great going, Dad,' she thought with a wince.

"Well, it's good to meet him. And to see you, Victoria. I really… I want us to hang out more."

"Great! Then we'll hang out more! Right, Ariel, Jasmine? Kris?"

The girls nodded immediately, but she had to nudge her father before he started and yelped, "SURE! S-sure, yeah, it sounds great. I'd love to, um, out-hang."

Just at that moment, the bell rang. Elsa's friends gave her a nudge, but moved past her. Kristoff was already at the other end of the hallway before it had even finished ringing. This was going to be harder than she thought.

Turning away, she was only a little surprised to see Elsa still standing there. She hadn't noticed at first, but Elsa probably looked even better than yesterday. So much denim – but she wore it well.

"Uh, aren't you gonna be late for class?"

Instead of answering, Elsa bit her lip. Her eyes were wide, and her fingers twitched like she wanted something but was too scared to ask. It only took Anna a moment to figure out what: when she opened her arms a little, uncertain, it took Elsa less than that to throw herself into the hug.

As terrible an idea as it seemed, Anna couldn't bring herself to cut it short. Not when she'd been craving such a thing from her mother for so many years: genuine love and affection. Denying her would only mean denying herself.

"I'm so happy you're here," Elsa breathed. "I was afraid that after last night, you'd… y'know?"

"I would what?" Maybe Anna didn't want to know; the idea hurt. That she would abandon Elsa after finding out that she was queer. But maybe Elsa had been through that once before.

"Never mind," Elsa whispered, pulling back and squeezing her hands. "Um, I'd better get to class; I'd cut, but Weselton always jumps out from behind a rock to catch us. Like our own personal Snidley Whiplash."

Though she had no idea who that was, Anna nodded and patted her upper arm. "Sure, yeah. See you after class?"

"Yeah, of course." Elsa hesitated, then leapt forward to ghost her lips over Anna's cheek. "And thanks, for um… for keeping my little secret."

"Our little secret," Anna corrected automatically, before realising that she maybe shouldn't do that. But it was too late; Elsa was already skipping off to class, jean jacket and braid bouncing in her wake. Anna just stared after her, all the way until she disappeared around the corner.

She also shrieked when Doc came up behind her. She'd completely forgotten that he even existed. He ignored her shriek, naturally.

"Astounding," he was saying. "Your mother didn't even spare him a glance. And that look in her eyes… well, the very fact that no one has figured out her sensibilities is an utter mystery."

"Oh god Doc, what are we gonna do?"

But for that question, neither had a suitable answer. They began making their slow way out of the school, brainstorming aloud to each other.

"What do kids even do in the Eighties? That uh… hoop with the stick? Jumping jacks?"

"Please, Future Girl," Doc said. "Those were out of style before even I was a boy. No, we need something…intimate. A social event with no expectations. One where they can get to know each other and have a good time at a somewhat leisurely pace. Currently your mother has no emotional opinion about your father. That needs to change."

"Well, I did say we should all hang out. Maybe go to the mall? And that way, I can start kind of, um, pushing them together." Never mind that she felt guilty about doing that now. Clearly, Elsa was more interested in women, and even if she were going to go for a guy, Kristoff was a terrible candidate.

"That will work for a start." Sighing, he patted her shoulder. "This situation is an unprecedented conundrum, and I don't envy you. But this is of paramount importance. I want you to stay here and keep an eye on those two, while I go back to the lab and work on the DeLorean's starter. I can't take it to an actual DMC dealership with all those components on it, so I'll be doing the work myself, and I'm a scientist, not a mechanic."

Nodding, she turned back toward the school. "Good luck, Doc. I'm… well, I'll do what I can with what I got, I guess. Just hope this doesn't explode in my face."

~ o ~

For the rest of the day, Anna skulked around Dell Valley High, trying to figure out how to do anything to influence the outcome of her parents' relationship. Nothing doing. While in classes, she couldn't even get in there without arousing the suspicion of the teachers, so she was restricted to time between classes, and lunch.

During lunch was when she ran into the biggest, meatiest roadblock of all: Hans.

She was sitting across from Kristoff, picking off his fries and trying to convince him to make the first move in inviting the girls to 'chill out'.

"I dunno. I want to but- well what if they say no?" he asked. "I couldn't take that kind of rejection…"

Anna could understand that – it was why, despite the fact that she knew Jennifer was into her, she hadn't been able to work up the courage to actually ask her out. Still, him mousing around wasn't going to get them anywhere, and she only had a week to keep herself from vanishing.

"Trust me," Anna began. "Once she gets to know you, it'll be true love! But you gotta stop wimping out."

"I know, I know. I just can't help it. Anyway, I'm pretty sure she's interested in someone else."

Anna's blood ran cold. How could he know? Did someone tell him? Clearing her throat, she asked in a very small, obviously fearful voice, "…Who?"

"Hah, who else?" He lifted a hand, still staring at his notebook, and pointed at her – no, wait. Somewhere behind her. "Hans."

When Anna glanced over her shoulder, she saw Hans was indeed chatting up Elsa. Not that Elsa was the least bit interested. She actually looked incredibly annoyed, if her scowl and hunched shoulders meant anything. For now, it was just talking, but she already knew that Hans wasn't above getting a little physical.

"Read some social cues, buddy," she told Kristoff flatly. "She'd rather kick him under a bus than go out with him."

"That's not really my, um, field of expertise," he went on as he bent low over his notebook, scratching out a line and beginning to write something above it.

"God, what are you doing that's so much more important than your dream girl?" Snatching the notebook, she squinted at it…

And her jaw dropped in shock. All she had to do was read the line 'She put down the laser rifle and reached for his fur-clad hand' before she got the picture – which was just as well, because then the notebook was being snatched right back out of her hand.

"HEY! That's n-not something I let just anybody read, you know!"

"Kristoff… wow, you write fanfiction?"

But the term seemed to catch him off guard – which was at least enough to cut through his flash of anger. Pushing his greasy locks out of his eyes, he asked, "Fan… what? Do you mean, um, fantasy fiction? I'm more of a science fiction guy… b-but anyway, sorry, I'm just not ready to let anybody read this stuff."

That was interesting. Mainly because her father had literally never said a single word about writing. All her entire life, he only complained about work, doted on his alcoholic wife, and chatted about TV or movies. Other subjects were much more incidental, and never once included that he had a love of the written word; sure, he read, but he never talked about what he read… and Anna hadn't been interested, anyway.

Maybe the rift between her and her parents wasn't entirely their fault.

"Oh. Well, um… I'm sorry. But hey, maybe you could come back to your furry boy and his laser-chick after we take care of Baines over there, right?"

"I don't know why you care so much," he sighed. But then he frowned over her shoulder. "And anyway, it seems to be going fine between them."

Of course, that was the moment that Elsa's voice rang clear through the cafeteria, "Get lost, Hans!"

He didn't. If anything, he got closer. The whole room had become quiet – not silent, but the noise was low enough that now Anna could actually hear what he was saying.

"Aww, c'mon babe. You don't want the school thinking you're a dyke, do you?"

That got her. Anna could see Elsa crumple. Her heart still swelled with pride when Elsa still stood up for herself, despite how much the words had cut her down.

"I said no, Hans. Now get. Lost."

Clearly, he wasn't taking the hint. "Listen you little–"

Anna moved. Hans was even more of a gross pig here than he was in the future and he was not getting away with it; she would have done the same for any woman, even if they weren't as important to her as her mother was. Jumping up, she stalked over to them. Elsa noticed her first, a smile replacing the frown. "Tori!"

"Alright, Fuckboy McDouche," Anna began. Of course that was when Hans noticed her. Standing to his full height, he made for an impressively intimidating feature.

"What did you call me?"

"You heard me!" Then she noticed everyone surrounding them shared his look of confusion. Oh, right; era-appropriate lingo. "Um jerk-face. Yeah! She said to leave her alone, you jerk!"

Oh crud. He took a step forward, hand curling into a fist in front of her. Then, without any obvious reason why he should, he stopped.

"Excuse me?" Mr Weselton had his arms over his chest, bad toupee still wobbling even though he had come to a stop. "Am I to understand that you have reached a new low, even for you, Tannen? Winding up to punch a girl half your size?"

Hans switched gears immediately, smiling that slippery, conniving smile of his as he patted Anna on the shoulder. "Sorry, Teach. I was merely going to remind this girl that she shouldn't call people names. Part of my civic duty."

"If you've ever actually stayed awake through a civics class, Tannen, I'll eat my boots. Now, release the girl before you wind up in detention."

She almost hoped he would do it. Hoped he would punch her, and then end up in detention – or even better, give her an excuse to punch him back. All those years, listening to him make lewd comments about her mother, watching him push her father around…

"Right, right." He leaned in just a little more, saying through gritted teeth, "Sorry." Then he was turning and striding away, his trio of idiot friends cackling and pounding him on the back.

"Tori…" Even as the crowd was breaking up, as Weselton was stalking after them, all Anna could see was Elsa, rising from the bench and away from her two friends, who were staring at Anna as if she had literally stepped out of a Jet Li movie. Or was it Bruce Lee in the 80s?

"H-hey, don't mention it," Anna muttered as Elsa grasped both of her hands. Then a spark of an idea came to her; embellishing the truth slightly. "Actually, it was Kristoff who noticed first. I'd never have seen it happening if he wasn't so worried about you."

However, on the subject of her father, all Elsa had to say was, "Who?"

THAT didn't bode well.

"Oh, y'know, Kristoff…" Her voice trailed off when she turned back and Kristoff…wasn't there anymore. He had beaten a hasty retreat when he could see a fight was about to break out. And Elsa was distracted, anyway.

"That was really brave of you, Tori. No one's ever stood up to Hans before!"

"Well maybe they should. He's only gonna get worse, right?"

Neither had a chance to say anything more because Elsa's friends swiftly came up to them. One of them offered Anna a smile and gushed, "Dude, that was pretty wicked!" It was small consolation when Anna's plans to get her parents making babies kept failing, but hey – at least she wasn't unpopular in the 80s. That had to stand for something. What was the term? She wasn't a square.

"Thanks, babes," she said, cocking her head and pointing a fingergun at them like an overconfident dudebro. They laughed, which seemed to be a good sign. "We're all hanging out tonight, right? At… Twin Pines Mall?"

"For sure!" Elsa spoke for them. As if they would argue with her, given the interest of the other two girls and their clearly 'beta' mentality. Her mom was the leader of the pack, alright.

"Sweet!" Another weird silence. "Sweet… of you to agree! With me! Right?"

Luckily, one of Elsa's friends jumped in. "We could see that new Death Wish, or the new Freddy sequel?"

"To Live and Die in L.A.!" the other friend whined. They all rolled their eyes; apparently, this had been discussed before and nobody else was interested.

"Yeah, sure! Why not?" Anna knew absolutely nothing about any of those. Why were all the 80s movies so violent-sounding? Shaking that off, she pulled Elsa aside to talk to her alone.

"Hey… listen. I know this might be a little weird…"

"What?"

"Kristoff." When Elsa only frowned, she went on, "He's kinda nervous around you, because he likes you so much. So just… I know it might be a lot to ask-"

"Don't bite his head off?" she guessed with a slight smirk. When Anna shrugged, Elsa nodded. "Okay, okay. I'll try to be nice to the nerd burger, but I can't pretend that you're not a lot more… tubular."

"O-oh." Oh wow. Even Punz had never been so forward – and that wasn't even really all that forward anyway!

But the worst part was, Anna couldn't blame Elsa. Not about the liking her part, shocking as it was, but about the not-liking-Kristoff part. As sad as it was, she was starting to see why her family hadn't felt like one for a long time. Why maybe her mother didn't seem to like her children, let alone herself. The jigsaw pieces were falling into place: Grandma Baines, the accident, the lack of options…

If Anna had grown up in 1980s instead of the 2000s, she'd probably try and 'pray the gay away', too. Settle for the first guy who came along who wasn't Hans. Elsa's only choice had been to conceal her feelings and play the role of the straight woman she most certainly was not. Forever.

"Elsa," Anna said, voice barely a whisper. She noticed Elsa's friends lean in a little closer, so taking a risk, she grabbed Elsa's hand, leading her even further away. This wasn't going to be easy… "Look, you can't say things like that, okay?"

Elsa's whole face fell at that simple sentence. "I don't- what?"

Sighing, Anna gritted her teeth and looked away. This situation was so impossible! Here was Anna, a pretty girl straight out of her queer mother's fantasy. How could she encourage Elsa to be herself while keeping herself out of reach?

Fortunately for her, she was saved from trying to speak when the bell rang – she'd never been so grateful for a lunch break to be over.

"I um, I have phys ed," Elsa offered, when Anna didn't say anything. Her head was bowed, and she tried to push past Anna- but her conscience wouldn't let her allow that.

"Elsa, wait." She did stop, and Anna let out a sigh. "I do care about you. This is just really… sudden. Like I said, I have a girl back home, and… and I don't know. But you're definitely a hella- I mean, a wicked… rad… cool girl. Okay?"

Finally, Elsa looked up. She offered a tight smile, but at least it was a smile. "Don't worry. I'll totally be fine. I'll uh, I'll see you at the mall?" she asked softly.

There was such hope in her voice. And- well, it couldn't make it worse, could it?

"Sure," Anna said with a beaming grin she didn't fully feel. "I'll be there."

Smile relaxing slightly, her future mother touched her wrist in an affectionate gesture, and headed off to the gym. Leaving her future daughter wanting to pull her own hair out.

To Be Continued…

#Fractal The Future #fruipit #forkanna writes #elsanna fanfiction #Back to the Future #elsanna

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nothingelsemakessense · 6 years

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Nervous Rambling

The first time I remember having a crush on a girl was in third grade. It was spring of 2001, I was about to turn nine years old, and a new girl transferred into my class. I thought nothing of the fact that I felt differently about her; new students were rare and I’m sure I thought my feelings were just the excitement of something new. For her birthday we went to the fair and she had one of the best sleepovers I’d ever been to. It was glorious. At the end of the year her family moved again. I haven’t seen or heard from her since.

By fifth grade, all of my friends were boy crazy. This was 2002, and I was ten years old. It had been a year and a half since that first big crush, and everyone had changed. Suddenly boys were supposed to be cute and everyone’s feelings were going wild. I wasn’t feeling that, but pretended I was. I figured I was a late bloomer, but for the time being I needed an answer when the other girls asked who I had a crush on and wouldn’t take “no one” as an hour. I picked boys at random. An Olympic athlete. A member of my favorite band. An actor from Disney Channel. These were my go to answers. I doodled their names on notebooks. I didn’t know why people did that, but I wanted to fit in, so I did it too. None of those guys are famous any more. I’m Facebook friends with about half the girls I was friends with then. I never talk to them beyond that.

The next big crush I can think of was in seventh grade. It was 2004. I was twelve, but told people on Neopets I was fourteen. She was fourteen, homeschooled, and on my basketball team. I adored her. I spent my days trying to think of reasons to call her when I got home from school. I told myself it was because she was a good role model and I wanted to be like her. Love songs came on the radio and the lyrics made me think of her. I told myself they were friendship songs; everyone feels about their friends that way. When I went to high school we fell out of touch, and reconnected on Facebook as adults. She’s married with a kid now, and occasionally we chat in the comments of each others’ posts.

A good friend asked me out when I was in eleventh grade. It was 2009 and I was a few months shy of seventeen. He was a few months shy of sixteen. He did it through text, giving me time to think before replying. My mom overheard me talking to my sister about it and told me to give him a chance. I had been planning to say no; I was talking to my sister about the most gentle way to let him down. Now I was stuck with a boyfriend. Hanging out was fine until I remembered that we were dating, that I was leading him on, and then it made me feel sick. The relationship lasted a month. His family left our church shortly after. He continued messaging me on Facebook every time a girl broke up with him for six years. A year and a half ago he got married, and now he has a baby boy. If I get another message from him I’m printing it out and framing it.

Around that same time I developed a crush on a local actress. I obviously just said I was attracted to her talent. I didn’t know her. I didn’t think I ever would. In fall of 2009 I did a show with her. In fall of 2010, when I was eighteen, we became friends. At some point the crush faded. She’s now one of my closest friends, and one of my biggest allies.

In 2011 I started seeing a boy I went to school with. I was nineteen. I felt something, and convinced myself I was finally falling for men. I wasn’t. Even then I knew he and I wouldn’t last. I never tried to make it official because I knew as soon as I did that I’d want out. I didn’t want to hurt him. He turned that non-thing into several years of drama. I’ve unfollowed him on all social media and we aren’t in touch.

At some point after that, probably in 2012, I fell for a friend of mine. I think she could tell. She tried to pull it out of me. She got close, but did not succeed. This crush probably began when I was twenty and lasted until I graduated at twenty-one and left. According to her social media, she has repented and no longer lives this way.

When I was twenty-one I discovered asexuality. It was 2013. I decided this was what described me. I wasn’t attracted to men. I knew that. So obviously that meant I was asexual. I wouldn’t consider any other options. Around that time, a new transfer student drugged my drink. I don’t know what happened after that. I few weeks later he outed me as asexual in the middle of a class. I don’t remember ever telling him I was asexual.

Summer of 2014 was my first kiss. I was twenty-two. He lived in the same intern house as me, and one night after a party we started making out. I was sober and didn’t expect it. I decided to go with it and enjoyed it. It was exciting to learn that I could enjoy physical things. I still wasn’t attracted to him. We haven’t talked since that internship ended.

Fall of 2015, at twenty-three years old, I fell for a woman I was working with. I fell hard. And for once, I admitted it. I texted my best friend. I told him I had a crush on a girl. Being gay himself, he was supportive. He also didn’t judge when I almost immediately said it was a fluke and a one-time thing and didn’t mean anything. I spent as much time as I could with her, but never tried to make anything happen. I felt she was way out of my league. We talked a few times after that show ended and she left, but we aren’t in touch now.

Early 2016, still twenty-three years old. I drunkenly told people at a party I was into girls. I woke up the next day and realized that was true and I needed to stop fighting it. I fought to accept it. I had a meltdown. I very nearly hurt myself many times. I struggled. I also realized that this was a part of me. It was about me. It wasn’t about anyone else. Other people have helped shape my journey, but they haven’t defined it. I’m gay. This is who I am. This is who I am regardless of any of those other people.

My first date with a girl was in the fall of 2016, when I was twenty-four years old. The first time another queer person recognized I was gay without me telling him was in 2017, when I was twenty-five. I came out to a gay cousin in 2016, and a straight one in 2017. I moved back home in 2017, and went from being full-time out and part-time closeted to the reverse.

It is now 2018. I am twenty-six years old. I am telling my sister in an hour. I am so nervous I could throw up. Tomorrow will be worse; I am telling my parents tomorrow. I’m tired of hiding and keeping secrets. I’m tired of making myself smaller. I am ready to be free.

#coming out #gay #personal #rambling

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morethanjustmediocremusings · 4 years

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In the Details: A Deeper Look into Euphoria’s Prom Looks

Taylor Abouzeid

California Polytechnic State University San Luis Obispo

Created in a social climate marked with the upheaval of traditional standards and a call to action sung by today’s ready-to-riot young adults, Euphoria came into a world ridden with daunting social issues. Amidst the reigning chaos of the real world, Euphoria followed the debatably hyper-realistic lives of modern high schoolers. This HBO series was highly regarded for its diverse cast and variety of explored topics. Furthermore, throughout the length of the premiere season, Euphoria retained attention from the press with its highly colorful and expressive use of fashion. To fully understand the weight of these garments, one must first look to the concept creation, then to the habitat through which the ideas were fostered, and finally step into the light of the underlying messages behind layers of mesh shirts and mountains of gender ambiguous dressing. Euphoria used visual clothing cues in their final episode “And Salt the Earth Behind you” to shed light on each character’s fully developed significance and purpose within the show given its highly pertinent cultural context.

Euphoria has come to represent an entire generation. The struggles that the characters face are directly out of pages in our own diaries and journals. Hunter Schafer, who plays Jules in the show, praised the reality of it all saying, “It’s the most current representation of high school” (Nissen, 2019). The current climate of teen life is reflected without the Hollywood glamour that was once acceptable with shows such as 90210 and Gossip Girl. Gone are the days of unrealistic teenage clubbing and drawn-out heartbreak between a jock and a cheerleader. Instead, audiences want to see the poignancy of reality on their screens. In a society that values honesty and vulnerability, Euphoria holds a mirror to our generation’s unique experiences without sugar coating topics of necessary discussion; however, due to the deeply embedded nature of these signals, they could easily be overlooked. By taking a magnifying glass to the distinct looks of the finale, subtle messages can be brought to light and further the identification with its’ viewers. Kenneth Burke believed that rhetoric was aimed at creating identification with an audience rather than aimed at persuading an audience (Kolodziejski, 2019, Pentadic). Furthermore, due to the show’s success, it is easy to assume that many people have come to identify with its messages. It is important to analyze and understand the messages behind these looks because they are representative of an entirety of people, marching to a silent beat of radical self-worth.

Within Euphoria the very real stories of the characters hit home for many viewers. Levinson worked rigorously to diminish any potential glamorization of drug use in the show saying “somewhere around the age of 16, I resigned myself to the idea that drugs could kill me, and there was no reason to fight it,” (Chuba, 2019). He credits this deeply personal connection to the story for the shows unfiltered persona, creating high levels of identification with the viewership. Many viewers have also found his story relatable as one in five teenagers have abused prescription drugs (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2019). According to Burke (1950) identification is defined as a rhetorical process that leads to persuasion. Within the space of the show, it is used to create a sense of common identity between Euphoria’s audience and the accurate portrayal of characters.

The show follows the lives of a group of teenagers navigating the ups and downs of the modern century. To give some background on the show’s main squad, Rue, the main character, is a recovering drug addict, with no intention to stay sober. Jules, a transgender-icon, has just moved from an ambiguous “big city” and is feeling bored with what this small town has to offer her. Kat, a closeted One Direction fangirl-turned sensational fanfiction author, recently had sex for the first time, it was also recorded and leaked to the whole student body. Maddy has been in an on-again off-again relationship with her abusive boyfriend Nate. Cassie is trying to keep her relationship with her college-age boyfriend alive and well. Nate, the typical quarterback character with internalized homophobia stemming from finding out his Dad is gay, is now secretly experimenting with his own sexuality. This wide range of individual character plots allows for a multitude of viewers to find identification within each of their stories.

It is, of course, important to note that the creation of this show was in some part influenced by HBO’s need to stay relevant in the competitive streaming market; I would also like to believe that despite this need for high demand programming, the actions of young adults everywhere sparked a flame in the creative community that further added to the show’s exigence. The current climate directly created a collective of educated and empowered young adults who are tired of being talked over, being told to sit down, or being shamed because “back in my day…” other people had it worse. Students these days are not participating in the same high school experiences as their parents, so in order to find a place to relate, many have turned to the Internet, and the many streaming platforms within it. The HBO-exclusive show, Euphoria, has held this identification role for many young students who have never before seen their identity correctly represented on such mainstream media as the giant outlet of HBO.

With the introduction of new streaming services occurring at radical rates, the need for relevancy remains at the top of many media corporation’s to-do lists. HBO is no different. HBO has been both celebrated and condemned for their raw portrayals of characters. Chen (2019) said, “The show is frighteningly hard to watch—it didn't temper my anxiety one bit all season—but its choice to skid easy definitions around difficult topics is what makes it an important cultural engine of our time.” Although ratings wavered in its early years during the mid to late 1970s, they have maintained steady progression for the last twenty years. In 2011 they were named the most successful network, winning nineteen Emmy Awards in one year alone (Aspden, 2011). The creation of Euphoria specifically came from a need of representation, a public desire to see real reflections of life. The hype for weekly premiers was continuous. The cast posted daily updates and many behind-the-scenes videos to keep the audience engaged. This constant contact between creatives and their fans also helped to maintain the very necessary quality of authenticity that surrounded the show. The season finale, otherwise dubbed “the prom episode,” was no different. Prom in its essence is a highly-gendered, often homophobic, and very public display of tradition, but despite this, for many it marks an anticipated rite of passage. In the prom episode of Euphoria, the queer, gender-ambiguous, and non-traditional characters reconcile this tension; prom became their runway. Dressed to the nines in creative, self-expressing garments, Euphoria’s characters hit the dancefloor with confidence. The episode showed how this generational event has become more accepting and fluid now, more than ever.

The choice to focus on the squad’s prom looks in the last episode allows for a greater opportunity to show character development and emphasize the pungently individual messages hidden in the coattails. Rue, the standout tomboy of the cast, has recently come to accept her budding relationship with her female-presenting best friend, Jules. For Rue’s prom look she wore the makings of a suit, slacks and a black coat, a manifestation of her struggle with feminine expression. But underneath the presumptuous outer shell she adorned her staple converse, one of, if not the only stable things in her life, and a maroon form-fitting, lingerie-inspired slip dress from the closet of the magnificent Jules. Jules stood out in the show as possibly the most comfortable with outwardly expressing her feelings, and her iconic prom look was no let down. A lilac and lavender two-piece crop top and wide-leg pants combo made waves in the sea of traditional prom garments. She also wrapped herself in the pièce de résistance of the night: a dark green, mesh, trench, with the symbol for transgender rights stitched onto the back with ornate black beading. Kat’s bondage and almost masochistic look reflected her growth into a strong woman, while Maddy stayed true to her values of loving yourself in a sexy black sheer halter and fitted skirt combo. Unexpectedly, Cassie was understated, but her more feminine look remained through the champagne gown’s flattering neckline. Nate stayed true to his toxic masculinity and rejected any inkling of creativity; he wore a suit.

In the past there has been a severe push back against “progressive” programming, especially those with highly explicit content. But it is also important to note that these subjects are often not foreign to the audiences participating with the artifact. Sam Levinson, the director, when asked if he was nervous about parental backlash regarding the shows content responded with, “… I feel like this is a debate that goes on constantly throughout time, where people go, ‘Parents are gonna be scared,’ and you go ‘Yeah.’ And young people will be like, ‘Yeah, that’s my life.’ I’m sure certain people will be freaked out by it and other people will relate to it” (Stack, 2019). There has been a very real struggle for liberation of the LGBTQIA+ community, to which Euphoria highlighted a homosexual relationship between its two main characters. Toxic masculinity has come to the forefront of scholarly conversation, to which Euphoria highlighted the mental and physical dangers that the suppression of emotion in boys can have on not only themselves but also the world around them. Toxic relationships have become hot topics in wellness ads, to which Euphoria showed just how serious and sometimes hidden, domestic abuse can be. An acceptance of sex workers is growing amongst younger generations, to which Euphoria explored the world of camming and subjects of porn in general. Trans bodies have come into public discourse, especially regarding the legality of their existence, to which Euphoria cast a trans actress as a lead role and used the platform to spread knowledge of the injustices many people face on a daily basis. The long running war on drugs continues, to which Euphoria used the story of a high school drug addict to bring communities together and create a safe space for all identities to be heard.

I have chosen the visual rhetoric approach to better examine how all elements of the character’s prom looks may have influenced each corresponding character’s final message. Visual rhetoric criticism is aimed at understanding the intersection between rhetoric and visual elements within an artifact (Kolodziejski, 2019, Visual). Albakry & Daimin (2014) state, “analysis of visual rhetoric considers how images work alone and collaborate with other elements to create an argument designed for [a specific] audience” (pp.29). Furthermore, I will be applying the deductive approach to this criticism, meaning I will be using the existing theories and concepts and applying them to elements of the visual artifact. I partly chose this approach because I stand firmly behind its assumptions: the visual is rhetorical, what is not shown can be just as important as what is shown. Lastly, how something is shown is as important as what is shown (Kolodziejski, 2019, Visual).

Within visual rhetoric lies the concept of the semiotic triangle, a figure that shows how an artifact’s referent, sign and reference are all related. Within that, there are three types of signs. Iconic signs are representative of what they point viewers to, such as a photo of an otter being an iconic sign for an actual otter. Indexical signs point to what they represent, like smoke indicating a fire. Lastly, symbolic signs reference an arbitrary relationship, such as the branded Swoosh being a symbol for Nike as a brand (Kolodziejski, 2019, Visual). Euphoria’s prom looks are all indexical signs, meaning they point to what they represent, without directly showcasing the underlying meaning. So, the general semiotic triangle for my artifact would have the referent as the actual look itself, the sign as the nod to what it is representing, and the reference would be the meaning behind it all. As the viewers of Euphoria engage with the show, they rely on their own life experiences to decode the symbols on screen. As articulated by Foss in 1994 “The study of visual imagery from a rhetorical perspective may make contributions beyond providing a richer and more comprehensive understanding of rhetorical processes. In some cases, such study may contribute to the formulation or reconciliation of aesthetic notions…” (pp 213). Through their comprehension of these symbols, the show’s underlying messages are able to speak more powerfully and allow for further resonation between the shows viewers and the characters they are able to identify with.

I have chosen visual rhetoric because it argues that everything shown and not shown has a significant purpose within the artifact. Due to the microscopic lens I have taken to the outfits chosen for the characters, this is most fitting. I have also chosen this method to better excavate the hidden messages of the main characters. Upon first glance I, like many, missed some major hints to character expression and development in the finale. But with the fine-toothed comb I took to these garments, I left no lapel untouched and no bead under-analyzed.

(Rue’s prom look).

For Rue, the exploration of expressing gender fluidity through her clothing choices was present throughout the entire season, but subtle. There was no direct mention of the matter until the season finale. While selecting a very feminine outfit for Rue to wear to prom, Jules expresses concern for possibly altering Rue’s gender presentation. I believe that by staying in the dress for prom, and not changing into something more fitting of her stylistic history, Rue was trying to validate her trust and relationship with Jules. In this scene, Rue had let Jules pick out her prom look and rather than opting for something similar to her previous fashion choices, Jules put her in a tight and sultry, lingerie-inspired, corseted, maroon dress. The color choice of maroon was not only fitting to the color pallet of the show, but was also distinctly similar to the color of Rue’s father’s sweatshirt, which she wears daily after he passes away. This choice I believe was unintentional from Jules, but subconsciously reminds the audience of Rue’s inability to move past that time in her life. Rue also adorned a traditional men’s suit pants and coat. This is the key part in her maintenance of gender fluidity and ambiguity within the outfit. The color choice was subtle and reflective of how natural this “tomboy” style has come to her self-expression. The choice of Converse was also only visibly present for a few moments on screen, but the shoes came to represent so much within Rue’s life. So much so in fact that the actress who played her character, Zendaya, made an Instagram post paying respect to the life they lived in the show with “I’m gonna have to get some new chucks for my personal life… I guess I’ll just have them on standby for season2. Til then Rue Rue” (Zendaya, 2019). Rue initially allowed Jules to change her gender presentation via the use of a frilly dress, but later came to regret the decision, as the dress became representational of their constricting relationship. This outfit represented the fluidity of expression and the intimacy that can be shared through clothing choice.

(Jules’s prom look).

Rue’s romantic counterpart, Jules, quickly became a stand-out character on the show due to her extravagant, stylistic choices within the first few episodes, and her makeup has inspired countless other artists’ renditions of the now iconic looks. For her prom look she wore a silky lilac crop top and similarly silky lavender high-waisted wide-leg pants. To top off the look she also adorned herself with a beautiful, almost floor-length, sheer mesh, forest green, trench piece. On the back of the sheer coat was a beaded symbol for the transgender community. The entire outfit was quite the statement, but I got the feeling that she was going for that “I’m not trying, but I tried really hard to look like I’m not trying” look. Due to the casual nature of a crop top and pant combo, the pieces seem haphazardly thrown together. However, the perfect complementary colors, and the identical silky fabrics make that lackadaisical approach almost impossible. I think it is also important to mention that the outfit as a whole read a little mermaid-y. To the untrained eye this might have gone completely unnoticed, but to someone with a recent history in Women and Gender studies, namely me, this reference was another direct tie to the trans community. Popularized by the television show Life With Jazz, mermaids have become an almost superhero-like figure for many people within the trans community, and now serve as a symbol of recognition. In an interview the star spoke on their significance, “Mermaids are just the most whimsical, mystical creatures of all time. A lot of transgender individuals are attracted to mermaids and I think it’s because they don’t have any genitals, just a beautiful tail” (Jennings, 2015). Jules continued to wave her pride flag high and exuded confidence. She held the message of being proud of whoever you are.

(Kat’s prom look).

Kat, a plus-size girl surrounded by a sample-size school, went through many changes this season. After her first-time having sex not only gets recorded, but also then is virally leaked throughout campus, Kat decided to reclaim control of her body. Kat had the edgier version of the “Pretty Woman” makeover. With an entire new wardrobe of bondage-inspired pieces, sexy black and red lingerie, latex, leather, and laces, she conquered not only her sexuality but also gained a whole new world of confidence as well. Throughout this journey, she also struggled with the duality of being a grade-A bad ass and still navigating soft and cute teen romance. For her prom look she wore all red, the color most symbolic for both power and romance. With a red leather corset on top and red silk midi skirt on the bottom, she exuded confidence as a woman in control of her own body. The black lace-up detailing that became a motif in many of her previous outfits also made a cameo in the prom episode running through both the top and the skirt. These specific choices show her character’s development of self-confidence. In the beginning, she was self-conscious and afraid of intimacy, but as the season progressed, the audience was able to see her blossoming into a woman in charge. She was able to reclaim her body after the sex-tape scandal and make a name for herself by camming on PornHub, and also by gaining enough appreciation for herself to see her love for Ethan. Kat struggled with coming into herself as a sexual woman and in her final look is able to show that you can be strong and confident and still express emotion and love.

(Maddy’s prom look).

Maddy, Maddy, Maddy. Where do I even start? Without a doubt Maddy was the most confident female character on the show, but when her boyfriend abused her at the annual carnival she began to break down. Although she was aware his actions were brutally wrong, she forgave him, like a story of Stockholm syndrome. Following his release back into school, they reappeared as a couple only to break up again in the following episode. Their relationship was undeniably toxic. At prom Maddy went with her group of girlfriends, surrounding herself with positivity and love. She wore a see-through black, crystal embedded, two-piece halter top and form-fitting skirt. She also wore a veil. Maddy shone bright on the dance floor and conveyed the message that relationships aren’t everything, and in the end all she needed was support from her friends, self-love, and some serious distance from her abusive ex-boyfriend, Nate. Maddy loves herself, but by ignoring her case of domestic violence she lost a part of herself. Luckily, in the finale, Maddy surrounds herself with good friends and shows that self-worth and self-love are important and still sexy.

(Cassie’s prom look).

Cassie’s prom look showed less of a character arc than the others, but her message remained just as pungent. On the day of prom, Cassie had gotten an abortion. The pregnancy was the unintended consequence of her boyfriend McKay. They came to the decision together, but Cassie made sure that the decision was ultimately her own. Needless to say, she was not dressed as her usual provocative self. She wore a soft pink satin gown, the most traditional of all the looks, and barely-there makeup, which according to the makeup artist was a distinctive choice given the earlier abortion. The makeup artist for the shoot took to Instagram to explain her look, “As much as I wanted to give Cassie a glittering euphoric winter formal makeup look, I didn’t feel like it would help tell her story in this moment. I wanted Cassie’s total absence of makeup here to signal to the audience that she’s reached the start of a new phase of her life…”(Davy, 2019). The neckline was still flattering but she remained quiet and pensive for the rest of the evening. In the same girl group as the others, Cassie took that day to surround herself with those who could support her without their knowledge of the previous event. Cassie’s prom look said that it is okay to not always be okay, and that expressing that is perfectly fine. This message can be gathered through her soft color pallet the contrasted the otherwise bright evening, the simplicity of the silhouette, and the unexpected lack of dark eyeshadow, a typical element of Cassie’s normal look.

(Nate’s prom look).

I intentionally saved the worst for last: Nate. Nate’s look was boring, and quite frankly fell flat. It would have made more sense for him not to go at all, or maybe to show up in hand cuffs as he did for Halloween. But whatever, he did go to prom, and he did wear a suit. Given the extravagance of the rest of the characters’ prom looks, there was an unofficial standard for all the characters to express themselves creatively in some way for the event. However, I believe that Nate’s blatant lack of creativity is his statement. For his whole life he has been molded to become a superstar athlete, and at no point was he given the opportunity to outwardly express himself. We can thank both toxic and hegemonic masculinity for this lack of expression, for in their essence both of these ideas encourage the repression of emotion in boys and men. His outfit shows that when not given the opportunity to find oneself beyond the expectations of others, or not being able to to explore one’s own creative capabilities a person could become a drone, in this case one with severe anger issues. The suit further shows his acceptance and assimilation into the norms and expectations for his character. Rather than expressing himself through stylistic choices, like many of the other characters, Nate’s feelings come out in destruction and violence. He serves as a precautionary tale, of what the dangers of toxic and hegemonic masculinity can have on young men: crushing self- hatred. For many, fashion can serve as a critical outlet for self-expression. Especially for Euphoria’s teenage viewership, style can feel like the only controllable element of their life while the lack of adolescent autonomy is at its height.

As both a thoroughly engaged audience member and fan of Euphoria, there is not much the creators could have changed about the prom looks to further appease me. Throughout the entirety of the season I found that I was able to relate to every individual character within the show, admittedly even Nate. I was able to see my own life tied into bits and pieces of every character’s individual story. Maddy and Rue stuck out as the characters with which I had the most identification with, and although their characters are almost direct opposites in the show, I felt comfort in being able to compare their stories to my own. However, I feel that it is also important to acknowledge the lack of identification some of my peers felt with Euphoria’s main squad. Some have never had experiences with “hard-core” drugs, struggled with gender representation, bee involved with sex tape scandals, or instances of domestic violence, dealt with the after effects of an abortion, or emotional repression. For many of these people who struggled to find identification with the main characters, the supporting roles served as their substitute. With characters as Lexi, McKay, Gia and Fez, many other identities were explored throughout the season, although in lesser detail. I believe that if these supporting characters had also been given equal screen time, an even wider range of audiences would have been able to engage and identify with Euphoria. By digging deeper into their stories, new plot lines could have been uncovered. Many teenagers struggle with eating disorders, which were left out of the show despite alarming statistics claiming that at least 30 million people suffer from eating disorders in the United States (ANAD, 2019). Nicotine has become a significant outbreak in American teenagers with the Center for Disease Control reporting that “5.6 million of today’s Americans younger than 18 will die early from a smoking-related illness” (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2019). And topics of bullying were also left unexplored by the show despite its constant prevalence in teenage society. Studies have even gone to show that “Bullying was a factor in 2/3 of the 37 school shootings reviewed by the US Secret Service” (Stop Bulling Now Foundation, 2019). However, including all of these topics could have been destructive to the season as a whole, and overwhelming to audiences. Given the relevancy of these topics, they are explored elsewhere in outer outlets. Euphoria was a show intended for people who had rarely seen their identities presented on mainstream media of this scale before. So, despite the few missing teenage issues that are more commonly explored today, Euphoria was able to uniquely cover some groundbreaking material for a show of its size.

Euphoria’s characters all held distinct messages within the show. Through the use of visual clothing cues Euphoria was able to further the identification factor of these stories by visually signaling their significance. Created out of a need for representative media and birthed into a world of social unrest, Euphoria became a breakout show on HBO’s streaming platform and now has the power to unify an entire generation. In “And Salt the Earth Behind You” Rue, Jules, Kat, Maddy, Cassie, and Nate give their final send off to the show by highlighting their completed respective messages between satin finishes and starchy, pressed suits. As a result of the creative expression of the prom outfits in the finale, viewers are left with a lasting impression of self-identification closing off the season.

References

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