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xellzios · 6 years

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Lifetime: Love Found

Lifetime: Lost Love || Love Found

Disclaimer: The continuation of the Kenference from Lost Love, of Touka and Ken’s evolving relationship through some of the scenes in the manga. Dedicated to @lilacflamesss in hopes that she will cheer up! Thank you so much as well to @hamliet for helping me. I hope you guys enjoy! :)

Words: 10839 (I tried, really!)

Rating: Slife of Life, Drama, Family, Romance

PREVIEW:

Sometimes, he wondered what he deserved, if he even deserved anything.

Looking back, it felt surreal that he was given this chance, that after all those times that he kept looking for something and barely scratching the surface – there was someone there who patiently waited. All those times she stood at the entrance of the shop looking at the horizon with a sad melancholic smile – hoping, praying; and all those times she looked at him with sadness and faith in her bright violets now made sense.

VI. It was rekindled with the touch on the lips – the language of love that was lost and was found again.

Sometimes, he wondered what he deserved, if he even deserved anything.

‘You, far more than me feel like you’re going to disappear. I’m always thinking of ways to prevent you from going off somewhere.’

Had it always been like this? Had he always been blind to what had been there all along? It must have hurt her so much to see him always leaving. The fact that she cared, the fact that she had always been there for him sent shivers down his spine. It was as if someone finally opened the bandages that were blocking his view – someone who gently cradled him when he was in a void, someone who wanted nothing but for him to be happy. It sent butterflies down his stomach, it made electricity jolt down his blood – it was as if someone finally woke him up from a nightmare.

Ken brushed a stray lock away from her peaceful face, marveling at the sight. He realized, there was something heartwarming about watching someone you love sleep. Maybe it was how her eyes were closed and her lips were parted, maybe it was the way her hand was wrapped around his unknowingly, not wanting to let go. Maybe it was the way her face was so peaceful as it rested on his arm that it melted his heart to see her like such.

He placed a chaste kiss on the top of her head, not letting it linger too much so as not to disturb her serene form, but Touka stirred anyway and nuzzled closer. He marveled at the fact that he was able to see this, that he had this effect on her – to know that there was this side of her that existed. He pulled her closer to his warmth, his face tender with admiration and a smile that he couldn’t keep off.

He did not deserve her, but she was here anyway.

For the longest time, he thought of himself as someone dispensable, someone who wasn’t allowed to love much less to receive it. For the longest time, he had been carrying his burdens alone, walking on this path by himself while trying to make sure everyone wouldn’t have to carry his cross. He had killed his best friend, allowed his father to commit an unthinkable crime. These marks would never leave him, as the guilt and weight of his mistakes weighed upon him in a way that would always remain as his burden even after his death. If he had only been stronger and better, then maybe it wouldn’t have to be like this. He had done a lot of wrongs, hurt people in a lot of ways – but she was here with him, up until now.

He didn’t know why she believed in him, why she chose him.

Because knowing that someone was there, that he mattered altogether was a surreal feeling he couldn’t put his head onto. And knowing it was her? It was like a dream that Ken never thought would become a reality. He hoped he could at least make it worth it for her, that he could give her something worthwhile and make her happy. Because right now, Touka had given him hope – a hope for himself, that he still deserved to live despite his troubled past.

Touka stirred and slowly opened her eyes, her deep violets fuzzily staring at his that he smiled at the sight. He would never get tired of watching this view every day, would never get tired of watching her sleep as she was nestled against him. If he had a choice, if he was given a wish, then he wanted to spend every waking day of his life with her – to live with her, grow old with her and always be by her side. “Good morning, Touka-chan.”

She groaned in response, burying her head in his chest as a warm blush crept on her face.

Ken chuckled at her response, pulling her closer to him as he enveloped her in his hug. He wished he could stay like this with Touka – and the more he thought about it, the more he wanted to look forward to a peaceful life with her in the future. He hoped it wasn’t wrong to ask of it, because he still didn’t know what would happen considering the recent events.

They lived underground now, hunted and persecuted by the CCG. As their leader, he had to be responsible for each and every life that was following him, even though he was just thrust into this role. He wished he didn’t have to fight, wished that they could just live peacefully on the surface. But as ghouls, he knew he didn’t have a choice – it was killed or be killed, so he needed to do everything in his power to prevent that from happening. It was his duty now, as the one-eyed king.

But the more he thought about it, the more unsure he was if he could really do it. Was he really up to this role? Their situation was bleak and fighting on the surface would be futile. If they would be raided, they could as well be decimated, given the force they were against with.

The fact that he couldn’t even manage himself was already a huge issue for him, and now that he was a leader of a resistance he was thrust into, he couldn’t help but feel anxious if he was really fit for this role. He didn’t want to disappoint anyone, nor could he bear losing more people.

“What’s wrong?” Touka asked, bringing him back to the present. She was staring at him with such kind and worried eyes that melted his heart. All he could do was give her a warm smile as he took her hand in his.

She always knew when there was something amiss, always knew when he had been keeping something from her. With a sigh, he squeezed her hand. “I was thinking of the future,” he said solemnly, eyes staring at the ceiling as he contemplated.

It was the utter truth though. Prior to this, he had no idea what he wanted to happen, how he wanted things to turn. All he knew was that he had things he wanted to protect, lives that he was held accountable for. But right now? He also wanted to make sure he had a plan – to pave a path to the future where his loved ones, where ghouls could live peacefully.

And a part of him wanted to be a part of that future, as selfish as it may sound.

Touka observed him, her eyes locked into his as she waited for him to continue. She could see the insecurity that clouded his thoughts, the fear of what could happen and how futile and hopeless things were for them right now. “To be honest, I am not sure if I can do this, or how things will go from here,” his gaze shifted to hers as he enveloped her into his hug, drawing strength on her presence, “but I want to try my best.”

He leaned in and kissed her tenderly, willing his feelings to be known by her. In these moments, his words were never enough to tell her what she meant to him, but being able to express it by pulling her close to him as their lips danced and the fire in their souls were rekindled – he hoped that it would be enough to tell her that he was there. That more than anything, what he wanted was to make sure all the love she had given would be reciprocated by him, and as best as he could.

Because no matter what happened from now on, no matter how much he would be willing to try – her love was something he could never repay. It was something so pure that wrapped around his tainted being, giving him a reason to exist – to believe that even after everything, there was hope for him. It was through this love that he was able to find a place once again, after a rather long and arduous journey. And it was through her that he found his heart and his home. He knew she wasn’t perfect, but that did not mean that her love wasn’t – it saved him, it nurtured him. Through parted lips and heavy breaths, he stared at her and muttered how beautiful she was, which in turn made her blush as she looked down.

There was still a huge insecurity hidden in the depths of her eyes – something she always tried to mask. The fact that she didn’t think of herself as such, the fact that she still thought she was nothing but a dispensable being who was fated to die, hurt him. Because she was more than humane – her kindness, her strength, and her compassion always shined through her, always set her apart. It never left and it never vanished from the time Ken met her in Anteiku up until the time she found him again in :re.

He couldn’t bear the thought of her looking down at herself because all he wanted was for her to look up and see how wonderful she was, how much difference she made in his life. He tilted her chin up so that she would look at him and gaze at the depths of the windows of his soul, allowing her to see the honesty hidden in them. Here was a person who deserved the world, a person who needed to accept how beautiful she was, how humane she felt, how real she was in his arms. “You’re really beautiful, Touka.”

If she didn’t believe it, he would make her. Because every fiber of her being deserved to know it, to feel that she was beautiful. He kissed the crown of her head, her eyes and then moved back to her lips – allowing himself to indulge in her presence, to make her feel that he was thankful she existed. He gave him a light when all he could see was the darkness of his soul, gave him warmth when all he could feel was the unrelenting cold and hollowness in his heart as he lived with his cross.

All because she existed, because she was here.

“I’m pregnant,” she muttered. It was almost a whisper, in a very soft and melancholic tone that wasn’t lost on him. There were uncertainty and sadness in her eyes and yet he couldn’t even offer her any reassurance as he tried to digest the barrage of news. His heart was torn with saving her best friend and telling her that they would somehow make it, that this baby was indeed a miracle he had been asking for to continue living.

Because a while ago, he couldn’t even decipher how he would be able to lead this resistance if his lifespan was shortening rapidly. A while ago, he was trying to make amends with the fact that maybe he really wasn’t destined to live – even if he wanted to and even if he would like to. It seemed like the gods all coalesced into telling him he was only destined to lead this resistance, maybe he wouldn’t even be able to see it come to fruition. It was painful, but this may have been the retribution sentenced upon him after all the crimes that he did.

He clenched his fist in annoyance. He wanted to make sure he at least would leave a mark, make sure Touka and the others have their futures ahead of them. Because he would do anything – just about anything to make sure they would be happy, make sure that she was happy. Even if he had to sacrifice his life to make it so, he would.

Touka sighed and gave him a small smile, bringing him back to reality. There was a certain spark in her eyes that did not get lost to him, a resolve that told him she would go through this, that she had chosen. “I don’t know if it’ll even be born right. I thought I’d tell you if and when I was sure, but I really was just gonna keep quiet about it.”

His heart pounded hard on his chest at the revelation, upon realizing why she said every word. ‘Touka, you should know, you should know that Yoriko is going to be executed.’

He gritted his teeth as Yamori’s voice echoed in his head. Choosing Yoriko would endanger everything they had worked for, everything they had built. But succeeding also meant that Touka wouldn’t have to suffer losing another person she loved. He wanted to prevent that, wanted to at least do something for her. He knew she would be devastated by her death, especially since she tried so hard to make sure she wouldn’t get caught up in their mess. ‘Please, don’t tell me you’re just going to ignore it.’

Would they stand a chance? Would they even be able to save her if they tried? But then, what kind of king would he be if he endangered his people on this suicide mission?

The child, their child – did she choose the baby, did she choose this over Yoriko? But why? There was no certainty with regards to the pregnancy, no assurance that everything would work out alright. Why did she want to do such thing? Still, the fire in her eyes told him she would not back out, it told him everything he needed to know.

With a sigh, he turned to look at her and asked, “when’s it due? The child.” His voice was shaky and uncertain, not wanting to cling to a false hope that might be the answer to his earlier question on why he had to live.

“December,” she responded, not quite looking at him, but with a small, sad smile playing on her lips.

‘So this is what you have chosen,’ he thought, his heart pounding incessantly in his chest. It was surreal for him to have someone who would choose this uncertainty over a dear friend. But he understood it was a life they created, a life they wanted to cherish and value more than anything. She chose them.

And even though the smile was sad, even though it was a huge risk she wanted to take – there was hope in her smile, in her eyes.

Their child. It also gave him a small hope for a future that he thought had been lost as soon as he discovered his lifespan was short and insignificant. Maybe it was the answer to the question that continued to nag him, the reason he needed to trudge forward. It was possible that he won’t be able to live through it, maybe he wouldn’t even see his child’s face – but he wanted to make sure that Touka’s decision wouldn’t go in vain. It gave him something to fight for, a future to give to a son or daughter that Touka chose.

Hope.

Was he allowed to hope that this was a blessing given? Was he allowed to think that there was a reason for this small news? Would it be possible for him to at least see it, hold it in his arms one day? He wanted nothing more than to do so, would give anything to make it.

He took her hand in his and smiled as he saw her astonished face. He wanted to reassure her that he was here for her, whatever happened. Even with the somber air around them, as the cold and crisp breeze passed through, he was thankful to her for giving him a reason to push forward, a reason why he was still here and fighting. “I’m glad,” he mouthed, the sincerity in his own voice surprising him.

“Really?” Her voice was hopeful and a bit strained, as if unsure. But he already knew his answer, his conviction. This child, this life, it was given to them for a reason – a blessing in disguise, a reason to hope even if they were in the darkest of times. He squeezed her hand in reassurance, giving her the sincerest beam he could muster. “Yes, really.”

He did not know what he did to deserve her, but her choice had told her how much this meant, how much their relationship mattered to her. He had never known he would be able to feel like this – to feel a love so strong that it wrapped around his heart.

It was in that moment that he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his days with her.

There was always a feeling of insignificance in life – a feeling like you’re not doing enough, that everything you do would not amount to anything. Some get over it, others learn to live with it, but there are those who continue to be tormented by it. Some people fear disappointment, and others fear that their lives did not mean anything.

For Kaneki Ken, it was something he always struggled with and fought against.

How many times had he failed the people who mattered to him? How many times had he arrived too late to save his loved ones? He couldn’t count them anymore, couldn’t even be sure he even amounted to anything after all of his failures.

But he tried.

Oh, he did try so hard – he sought power, began doing unthinkable things just so his existence would amount to something. He gave in to the darkness because he thought that it would be better than being completely useless – all the while thinking that it would give him something to live for, that it would help him make sure everyone he cared about would stay with him.

He was wrong.

After a mountain of disappointments, the struggle just became worse for wear, inflicting immeasurable pain and torture on his physique as he saw the things he worked hard for crumble with his very eyes. He wondered what he was doing wrong, where he was lacking and what he could even do to salvage it.

Sometimes, he would do something right, but most of the times he would stumble and fall.

Not being strong enough to help Ryouko. Seeing a mother and child killed before his very eyes as he helplessly watched.

Losing Touka’s trust. Failing to save Anteiku. Killing his best friend.

Being saved by a loved one whose price was torture by doing so. Losing his father figure.

And now, being an insignificant king to people who relied on him – who didn’t even know he was dying.

Standing in front of a person he once considered a friend, all he could think of right now was how he could set things right. He looked at Hinami, his dear sweet sister, and gave her a small smile through his mask. If he was even a little bit late, he would have lost her, and he didn’t want to think about the consequence as he hoped that the people he loved were still intact after this.

“Go Hinami, I’ll be right behind you.” Her face looked so defeated and miserable that it sent him spiraling into a cluster of feelings, as he held his chin. He wanted no more than to tell her he would be alright, that he would sincerely make it, but he knew that was a lie. He didn’t know.

He would at least make sure they would be safe, that they would make it – his life was ending anyway.

It was his only wish now, the only thing he could hold onto.

He thought about the people he was leading and his loved ones, hoping that it wasn’t too late to save someone after this, anyone. He didn’t know what would happen, didn’t know if he would make it – but if it meant that they would, he would endure.

His life, his whole being – it had lived for others, lived wishing that his existence would matter to this world. And having found a semblance of happiness in the different phases of his life, as well as a person who loved him, had given him enough joy in his lifetime.

His heart suddenly skipped a beat, a small ache forming in his chest at the realization that he might not be able to spend the rest of his days with Touka, with his wife. But then again, he did not think he would be allowed to anyway. So if he could do one final good as their king, as a husband and a friend, he would.

His gaze shifted to Juuzou, now armored and prepared.

‘I’m not sure who should I thank for being able to realize what was happening here, for being able to return in time. But this time, I will for certainly prove – I can protect, I will protect.’ His thoughts were on a spiral as his form changed, his heart in the right direction and his mind decided. This time, he would make sure that he would do something right, this time he would not lose anyone anymore.

He would not lose. He had to come home, he just had to.

That’s right, he had lived until this day to prove his worth, to be worthy of the people he loved. He had lived to leave a mark, to be significant. And even if he were to lose his life, if it meant them being able to live theirs, he would gladly do so.

‘I’m sorry, Touka.’

VII. It was challenged by the circumstances, and it was love that made her reach out and save him from himself.

Today was a good day.

He was sitting in a nearby swing, stubby little legs swaying back and forth as his heart burst with happiness over gaining his mother’s smile. He could feel his face muscles stiffen with the unbelievable grin that was plastered on his face.

“Good boy, Ken. You should always be kind to others, even if it hurts.”

His classmate’s mother had come to their home to thank him and his mom personally after Ken helped him with his homework. It felt nice to be praised, much more to see his mother smile at him in front of people with such a proud look. He felt like he mattered, that he could do something and make his mother smile.

He would always remember that.

He held himself tightly as he giggled, almost falling off the swing before he was able to grip back the chains. If this was what it felt to be commended, to be someone worthy of his mother’s smile – he would gladly do his best and be the kindest person he could be. There was a certain comfort, a certain giddy feeling he couldn’t let go of, a happiness he kept craving.

“Stop!” a wail which belonged to a boy caught his attention. His eyes shifted around the playground to look for the source, standing up and running around until he was closer to the cries. There, he saw the little boy doing his best to drag away another older kid’s hand from a girl close to Ken’s age. He was crying hysterically, his tear-stricken face almost red as he clenched his hands tightly around the older boy’s hand. The girl, on the other hand, held bruised and bleeding hands close to her face to shield herself from being hurt as the assailant held onto the collar of her shirt. “Waaaaaah! Leave my sister alone! Don’t hurt her!”

He gritted his teeth in exasperation, torn between saving the poor girl from receiving anymore beating and running to find an adult who could help them. He was scared to be beaten as well, he didn’t know why. He took a deep breath as his whole body shook from seeing the scene unfold before him – of seeing a girl cry, her clothes tattered and dirty, as her brother was pushed into the stone pavement from trying to help her.

“What are you doing? That’s wrong!” he shouted, mustering all the courage his tiny body could handle. He was heartbroken to see the smaller boy’s tear-filled face as he got up and held onto the sleeve of a much older one once again, to stop him from hitting his sister.

The bully’s grin disappeared from his face as he stopped and looked at him instead, his eyes filled with hatred and annoyance. “What do you know? Get out of here brat!”

“No,” he said as he stood up on his ground. It was the first time he didn’t cower and ran even as his body shook with tremor. “I don’t want you to hurt them!”

“Then you can replace these trashes!” He responded, one huge fist aimed at Ken.

He parried and stepped back. On the corner of his eyes, could see the girl wiping a busted lip, a look of trepidation on her face that was marred by surprise. She was clenching her teeth, the fire in her eyes burning brightly as she stood up, making her brother hide behind her as he continued sobbing.

They looked so tired and helpless and yet they were fighting, he thought. He didn’t want to disappoint them, his mother told him to always be kind – why couldn’t this bully do the same? He closed his eyes, fearing any form of beating he might get as his knees trembled in dread.

In the end, all he got for show were the angry bruises that littered his body. He didn’t know why, but for some reason, as he cowered in fear, he could only see flashes of someone else doing the beating. But he shrugged off his thoughts as He gave both a small smile while he stood up queasily, trying to find his balance. He reassured the girl’s worried face that he was okay, even if his body felt sore and painful. He hoped his mother won’t be mad he got into a fight.

As he approached the siblings, he took a few spare band-aids he always carried in his pockets and offered it to both. “It’s not much, but I hope it helps.”

The older sibling looked at him cautiously, her face weary and tired as she graciously took them. She didn’t know there was a human who still managed to be kind, who would endure all those bruises just so they wouldn’t suffer. Touka felt sorry for the boy. He didn’t know that she just didn’t want them to be caught by humans should she show her kagune. She still felt wary of killing anyone, remembering her father’s own words about living. She looked at his gray eyes and asked curiously, “why did you help us?”

Ken was surprised at the question. He thought that anyone who would’ve seen the scene would help, especially the adults. And yet it was his own personal reason that allowed him to stand his ground. “Because I didn’t want you to be hurt by him,” he responded, beaming at her despite the painful bruise that lingered in the corner of his mouth. But he realized that the sky had turned, that the sunset’s variety of red and orange hues now danced above with the clouds. Alarmed, he turned exasperatedly, “I’m sorry I can’t help much, I have to go now.”

He didn’t want to worry his mom, nor did he want her to be angry at him. So he gave them one final goodbye and ran.

The two siblings stood wide-eyed at the kid who just tried to save their lives. Touka took Ayato’s hands in hers as she wiped off the dirt and tears in his face, giving him a hug. She was surprised someone managed to show them kindness and spirit, and she felt grateful for the boy for showing her something that they badly needed to see.

“Ayato, we didn’t even get to ask his name.”

Funny thing, life.

He couldn’t feel anything right now, except for the fact that he felt like he was walking an endless road – existing in a void no one could reach. He walked and walked, but all he could see was darkness, all he could taste was a bland and brittle moisture. There was no breeze to be felt, no path to be seen. He trudged on and on, yet there was still nothing, no one to be heard. He couldn’t feel his body, only feeling the emptiness inside him as he tried to see a semblance of light.

He wondered if his senses were dulling because there was nothing here, not even a semblance of a world. He remembered wanting to save his wife, his people, the only way he could. He remembered how many onslaughts and grief his decisions brought as he came to terms with himself.

He had done the unthinkable – crushing life to try and save lives, and finally became the monster he always feared he would become. Someone grotesque and unrecognizable, someone whose soul had been wrapped around in complete darkness.

He wondered how the outside world was faring, if they were close to defeating the monster he had created out of a desire and hope that it would at least help the people he loved survive the onslaught that Furuta had strung. He hoped they would manage, hope they could get rid of it, of him. He had known what he signed the moment he decided to eat the Oggai.

Did he die? Was he alive?

If he was, would people and ghouls alike manage to kill him? End this misery and manage to live happily? That was what Furuta planned right? The advent of a creature that would help unite this world, even if it meant blood would be shed and everything that was in the way would be slaughtered by the madness.

Was this what he wanted for himself? Was this the future he envisioned as king? He never thought so, but he fell into the trap anyway.

Ever since he was young, all he wanted was a father he could look up to as he observed classmates and people his age hold hands with theirs. He wanted his mother’s attention, even if only a small bit of it – even though she was always busy working to feed the both of them so that they could live.

He wondered, was it too much to ask?

He appreciated it really, because he knew she had been doing it for the both of them. He worked hard to show his mother he could do it too, that he could also help and be of use.

But he never was, was he?

As a child, he had always tried to abide by his mother’s words – he listened to every murmur, took every word at heart. He would do whatever he could to make sure he could make her smile – be it being one of the top students in the class, doing housework or even cooking their food. He would be kind to everyone and offered a hand, even if he was bullied or taken advantaged of, sometimes even going home with tattered clothes or drenched books. His mother would just eye him skeptically though and would go back to what she was doing.

Most of the time, he would feel like he was utterly alone.

He would find solace in his father’s study, the scent of musty old books filling his nostrils. It was his world, his haven – the only place where he felt safe. But even that wasn’t enough to fill the loneliness in his heart or the void inside his soul.

Sometimes, he would wonder if this was just a phase, if it would get better. But then, he would get reminded by the bruises on his body that scarred and never faded away. There would be a moist feel in his eyes as he struggled to keep his tears at bay. He would remember everything with every hit in his arm, every blow in his shoulder. His hands would try to shield his body from the onslaught, so they took most of the pain and anger, the resentment. He would try to appease her, tell her he would do better, be better. He always told her he loved her.

But what hurt most was not the physical pain every time her hand hits his body, it was the words she said that he couldn’t remove from his heart. It burned deeply into his soul, like a fire that seared his veins.

“You’re useless, the reason for my suffering. You ruined my life,” she would shout, her voice reverberating in all corners of the room. It spoke of her anger, of the feelings she kept inside. Every hit sent him reeling as he tried so hard not shout, not to cause her pain.

‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please forgive me, please. I’ll do better, please give me a chance. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry mother.’

“Why can’t you just die! It would be better that way!”

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry for being such a disappointment. I’m sorry for being useless. I’m sorry for not being enough. I’m sorry for living.’

He remembered now, why he was like this.

Now he knew why he felt empty, why it was so easy for him to just let go of himself and fall into oblivion.

He remembered now why he never thought he was worthy, why he could never feel anything but the void inside of him that always whispered, always ate away the good. He now knew why he could never listen to the voices of people around him, telling him he mattered. Now, he realized why it was hard for anyone to touch his soul, to comfort his heart.

He could feel it once again, and all the budding desires to live, to look forward to a future, to hope – he now knew they weren’t meant for him.

Looking back, even when he was human, he never really could do anything – always going with the flow, always buried in books, always relying on Hide to help him walk a path to life.

And then, choices were made – unbreakable, terrifying choices that sent him spiraling towards a world he never knew existed. A world that had always suffered at the hands of people – kin and humans alike. In it, he was able to breathe life, found a small light at the end of the tunnel that told him he would be able to do something, after witnessing all the tragedies and grief that surrounded the people who took him in and cared for him. They taught him so much, given him so much – he thought he could at least return the gesture, wanted to do something for making him feel alive.

For they finally tug a cord at his heartstrings, made him feel something he never felt before. It was like walking to an old and beaten path with no direction, until finally someone took his hand and lead the way. He wanted to be the one saving them, be the one who would make a difference in their lives.

But what did he do? His weakness had let himself be captured by an organization that was out for blood and with it was a series of events that changed him forever.

In the end though, he thought he could still make a difference, that somehow, he would still amount to something, that he would still be remembered. He thought he could still be happy, that he could laugh with the people he loved and enjoy things even if it was a futile attempt to ease his soul of the pain. He had never been so wrong.

For like the scars that never sought to disappear in his body, one thing was already seared into his mind once again, ‘I don’t deserve being saved.’

Would he amount to something when he died? He didn’t think so.

All the good he did, all the kindness he wanted to share – it wasn’t enough to even compensate for all the lives lost and all the hurt he had caused. His mother was right, he did amount to nothing – a disappointment, a useless piece of trash.

Yes, he didn’t deserve to live.

Ken closed his eyes, laughing hopelessly. He thought that he finally had a future to look forward to, could finally take a step towards the light he had been searching for. He finally stopped trudging forward and looked down to see his beaten and battered spirit – reminiscent of the bruise that never left, of his shattered soul.

He thought he could finally find happiness with his loved ones, that he would be able to learn and appreciate the things he took for granted, things that Touka opened his eyes to see. Through her, he was able to see a world not bathed in red – see the imperfect, but wonderful things he never thought existed. Through her eyes, he was able to appreciate the small victories and smiles, to learn how to value time and moments he spent with loved ones, to finally feel like he would belong.

But just when he was finally able to look forward to a life that wasn’t drowning in misery, just when he thought he could finally build something and hold someone tightly, life reminded him exactly why he couldn’t.

He smiled somberly, wishing he could give everyone he knew one final hug, a final goodbye. He now realized that there were battles he couldn’t win, and he had to learn how to give up, such was his life. His heart shattered at the fact that he wouldn’t be able to be there for Touka, or see his child.

Death would not allow that, because death was the only way he could atone for his sins – he had long accepted that after he had made the decision to turn into an abomination.

He had lost himself the moment he had let that happen, throwing all caution to the wind in hopes that he would at least manage to see Touka one final time and save the people whom he had failed.

“I have faith in you.”

‘A… voice?’ he thought. He lifted his head up and looked above, only seeing the dark grey clouds that littered the skies from where he stood. ‘Where was it coming from?’

Would he be able to find it? Could he?

Was he allowed to?

“Ken.”

Who was it that was calling him here? He thought that this place was his prison, even his hell. No one could go here, right?

“Ken.”

There it was again. But this time, he stopped as his eyes widened in realization, as his heart started thundering in his chest. He ran as fast as he could, using the sound to guide him. He ran and ran and ran, not allowing his body to give up as he tried helplessly to locate the sound of her voice.

“Onii-chan, come back!”

Hinami? Was she here? Where could he find her? He was glad she was safe, relief washing out all his worries. But why could he hear her here in this barren wasteland? He could feel his heartbeat as he realized that it was indeed her voice that he heard.

“Wake up Mamaaaaaan!”

Saiko? What was she doing here? Where was she? Was she with Hinami? His heart’s pace was speeding up as he felt more blood spread out on his system.

“Sensei!”

Even Mutsuki? Were they all together? Was Urie here too? His lungs tightened at the realization as he found himself wanting to breathe.

“Shitty King you still owe me.”

Nishiki? He couldn’t believe he was hearing them. He felt like his senses were slowly being restored.

“My King, we’re here!”

And Tsukiyama? Were these people – were they all together? Was he dreaming or was this an illusion caused by his mind as he was dying?

“Haiseeeeeee, I miss your sweets.”

Juuzou too? But he was with Furuta earlier! Did he – did he finally decide to change sides? He could feel his heart’s pounding now, as an excitement and an unknown feeling started bubbling up inside him.

“Idiot King, wake up or I will send you to hell myself.”

He could feel himself smiling, he knew who that voice belonged to, could tell the amusement at the edge of his voice. The unknown feeling was starting to swell in his chest, and he couldn’t decipher what it was.

“Kaneki Ken, wake up, your people are waiting!”

He could even hear Miza! He could feel his heart fill up with so much thought and emotion, could feel his body shaking.

“Kaneki, we’re here now buddy!”

His eyes widened and he felt his heart stop at the sound of the voice. ‘H-hide?’ He was dreaming right? That must be it. This must be something his brain created to help him cope as he lost his mind. Or maybe Hide was here to pick him up because he was dying. Yeah, he thought, that must be it.

But he wanted it to be true – that he was alive, that he was here. Was it okay to wish? He wanted to see his best friend again, the first person who accepted him and treated him kindly. He wanted to see his smile and make sure he was real – that the voice was not a fragment of his imagination. But if not – did he come to pick him up? Was he here to save him from this hell? He wanted no more but to wish it was so, that if he was dead, at the very least, Hide was here.

Oh god, he couldn’t wait to see him again. He couldn’t wait to touch his face and give him the tightest hug, to say his endless sorry for causing him such pain and being the reason for his death. He hoped he would forgive him.

If this was the last thing he would feel, then he would have no regrets, as long as he heard her voice one last time and found out if she was safe. But if Hide was with these voices…

“Ken!”

Warmth. He could feel an unparalleled warmth spreading through his face. He felt his eyes water at the sound of the voice – the voice that had saved him, that continued saving him. It breathed life into his being as his senses recovered. He could feel the warmth cradle his skin, searing it and spreading throughout his body. Voices were drowned out as the sound of her voice saying his name echoed throughout his being, throughout his soul.

And as he opened his eyes, all he could see were the warmth in her own – the kind that was so relieved he was here, deep violets that were so beautiful and mesmerizing as they stared into his soul. These were the eyes that only looked at him – to guide him, to help him and to watch over him. They were the eyes that saved him, the eyes he first saw in the morning and the last he saw as he went to bed. These eyes belonged to the person who made him wish for a future, who made him realize he was not alone.

“You don’t need to hide from me anymore.” And then, as the warmth of her love spread throughout his body, like a moth to a flame, the realization took him back to the present – a realization that everyone whose voice he heard as he slept, all of these that he thought were only inside his head were real – he was alive.

Warm tears began to fall on his face as he grasped it, as he finally saw everyone he loved looking at him, as Touka cradled his face with both of her hands. All his loved ones, all the people who mattered to him, even people he led and those he worked for were all standing near them – bearing a smile on their faces.

Was he allowed this liberty? He had murdered people – ghouls and humans alike, in his quest and for his goals. Was it okay to feel like this? To be happy?

Was he allowed to dream? To live knowing that others had suffered and died because of him?

Was he allowed to wish? Even if he felt useless, even if he always disappointed everyone around him?

Seeing each and everyone’s faces, all their smiles – even if they were bruised and battered, finally gave him the closure he needed. He was saved by everyone, and even after knowing what he had done, what he became, they still stood by his side and accepted him.

He leaned his head on the crook of Touka’s neck as his tears fell, now recognizing the feeling that was building up on his chest – it was the feeling of life as his emptiness was filled by each and every soul he met and took cared of, those whose path intertwined with his. It was the feeling of loving someone, be it Touka, his best friend, friends and family, a mentor or even people around him.

It was the feeling of being alive, of realizing that people cared, that he was loved. He could feel his heart burst at the realization, as the sound of his sobs grew. And yet he didn’t care, as Touka held him tightly, holding him close to her while one of her hands gently stroked his back, as he let himself go.

“Welcome home, Ken.”

VIII. It lifted off with a hug – of feelings that never faded, tested by time and life, of a hope they held onto, of a life they held dear.

She had been clenching her teeth for the longest while, her fist opening and closing firmly as she tried to contain her emotions the whole time. It was one thing to be happy, to know that he was finally safe and alive, but it was another thing to feel the weigh of her emotions pulling her down in a spiel of thoughts she wanted to let go.

So as soon as the door closed and she saw him laying in the bed with eyes glazed as he stared onto the covers, she felt her eyes sting and as she tried to make sense of the situation, as the feelings she had been keeping since he left came forward with vengeance.

It was one thing to have lived in a life of obscurity and a life that was overshadowed by the possibility of death, it was another to finally find a semblance of happiness, of normalcy – one that contained hope, one that promised a future – only to have it stolen from you in a blink of an eye. It was as if her world came crashing down all at once, as she thought she’d lose everything in order to save the one thing, the one treasure she had dared dream to become a reality.

She felt so tired, so scared, so defeated.

But she endured.

She had never felt a barrage of emotions confront her as she realized what her husband had become. It was as if the world told her it wasn’t meant to be, that all the promised happiness, all the hope of a peaceful life was but a lie that would be reaped out of their hands.

But she had to prove it wrong.

She couldn’t bear losing anyone anymore, couldn’t bear the weight of someone giving their lives in order to save others. It was one thing to have lived through it, it was another to have to do it over and over again in an endless cycle of grief and misery. It was during the moment that she realized it was Ken that who was caught in the spiral that she knew it had to stop – she wouldn’t lose someone anymore.

Touka knew it was him, oh she knew. The moment she saw the giant kagune reap through hundred of doves and yet left them alone, the moment she recognized the eye that looked at her before it burst out of the tunnel and left – she felt her world crash down as she realized what sacrifice had to be given in order to have a small hope of saving them.

So as soon as he saw him, as soon as he saw his face inside the seams of a monstrous kakuja, she felt her heart leave her body as she realized how broken he looked, how defeated he was. He had surrendered himself to his death that he must’ve not been aware she would do anything to save him.

‘Fucking, self-sacrificial idiot.’

She almost lost him.

Touka’s feet slowly moved towards the bed, her eyes never leaving him even for a second. He was bruised and bandaged, having his arms and feet regrown with the help of Banjou. He looked so worn out and tired, as if the reality of the situation had crashed down on him and left him defenseless. Ken didn’t even notice her, lost in his own thoughts as he gripped the covers of the bed tightly.

She sat on the edge of the bed, rendering Ken to look up and snap out of his thoughts.

This time, it was her who took his hand and gave him a small smile, telling him she was here.

Ken reciprocated it and squeezed her hand, his eyes clouded with humiliation and disappointed that it hurt her to see him like this – utterly defeated and alone. There was an air of awkwardness that laid between the two of them as she tried to figure out what to say.

It was him who broke the silence. “I’m sorry.”

Her eyes widened as she tried to hold back her tears – he had felt so defeated, so alone and tormented by his actions, even if everyone already assured him that they still cared for him. Touka put a hand over her mouth as she tried to contain a sob, as she realized how hard it had been for the two of them just to get to this point. And even then, the world had left them bruised and beaten, in a way they could never turn back.

But they could at least move forward.

Slowly, she took him into her arms, laying his head on her shoulder. She wanted to make sure he knew how scared she was when she realized she almost lost him, how relieved she was when he opened his eyes and came back to her. She wanted to relay her unspoken thoughts, her feelings – wanted him to know that even if everything hurt, even if he thought of himself as a monster who would always be haunted by his deeds – he was still her husband, he was still Ken, the love of her life. “It’s alright,” she spoke gently, whispering the words in his ear while trying to keep herself together, “you’re okay.”

Ken buried himself in her neck, utterly ashamed and destroyed but finding solace in her presence. He could feel the unspoken words she wanted to convey; and he never felt more thankful in his life than now, as he realized how much her love enveloped him. “I didn’t want to lose you and because of it I did terrible things I can never turn back.”

Touka sighed, understanding how alone he must have felt, how haunted he must be after all of this. She could feel his suffering even with his physical actions, could feel how much he wanted to pull away but instead relied on her to pull himself together. “You’re not a monster, you know that. Everyone knows that.”

He broke the hug in defiance, his eyes looking down as he clenched his jaw. “But I am. I killed – ”

He was silenced when a finger touched his lips, as she silently begged him not to hurt himself more. Touka had already allowed her tears to fall silently as she urged him to look at her and lifted his chin. She cupped his face with both hands, the emotions swirling rapidly in her heart. “I thought I’d lose you.”

The look of surprise on his face became more palpable as he realized the magnitude of her words. He could feel the hurt and desperation laced with the sadness as she muttered every syllable. Her voice quaked so hard as her eyes brimmed with tears. He felt his own heart break at the thought of how scared she must have felt, how she had to battle all of this alone. “I’m here, Touka.”

Slowly, Ken enveloped her face with his hands and leaned in, kissing her. It was surreal to feel like this again, to be reunited with someone after a long, tiring day. It felt like months, even years since he had last seen her that every touch and sensation he had felt, every movement of her body against his sent shivers down his spine.

He memorized her every move, trying to instill everything into memory – the feel of her lips against his or the way she held onto him for dear life like he would disappear if she didn’t. And as he pulled her close so that their bodies lay flush with each other, he couldn’t help but be thankful that he was able to see her again and feel like this. He wanted to convey his feelings – how thankful he was, the love he felt, how much she had saved him through this connection.

Because in a world full of hatred and grief, he found her.

“I thought I wouldn’t see you again,” she sobbed as they pulled away, resting her head on his chest. Her throat was parched and painful, her breathing erratic from the intensity of her cry. It felt like someone had finally opened up the dams to her emotions as she finally let go of everything she had felt – the anger, sadness, hopelessness, and desperation; the grief and the pain.

The realization that he was back, that he was here sent her spiraling into a series of fits and spasms. Her hands were curled into fists in his chest, listening to his heartbeat, making sure he was alive. Touka wanted him to feel all her frustrations and frightened thoughts, as she let her fears dissipate in her tears. She mumbled unintelligently, whispering all her feelings into his heart as Ken held her tightly, his own tears falling, allowing her to let go. He stroked her back gently, murmuring sweet words and nothings, kissing her in the crown of her head. Everything must have been so difficult and painful for her, he thought, to have had to experience this. She had been in a lot of life and death situations, had escaped them all – but to finally have hope and a vision of a future that was almost snapped away in a blink of an eye? It was the cruelest thing.

But he was so proud of her – for surviving, for leading a resistance while pregnant, for being able to fight back and endure while making sure she would live. He had never met someone as beautiful, as intelligent and as kind as her. It was the touch of kindness that reverberated to someone else’s being, the kind which flowed and was felt into another’s without it being dimmed. It was the kind that spoke of overwhelming forgiveness even with the pain and grief she had to suffer, the kind that leaves a mark. It was the kindness that spoke of strength and love, that of which would always be unparalleled and would never be uncouth. If he could take away even an ounce of her pain, if he could at least channel some of his strength to her, he would.

They stood there for a while, with Ken letting Touka gush out all of the things she had kept bottled inside. He played with her hair, stroking the locks while she calmed, giving her all the time she needed to let go of everything.

“I love you,” he muttered, kissing her forehead. Ken wanted her to know how wonderful she was, how much he had been changed by her. Touka felt her eyes sting once again, as her emotions abounded because of the depth of his words – because she too, had been saved by him. “I love you too.”

That night, as she slept in his arms, Ken realized how grateful he was. He squeezed her hand, the other one resting lovingly on her belly. Life had always been a series of ups and downs, of failures and disappointments. But being able to strive and overcome these for a person you love – how even after every painful thing he had suffered, having her and seeing her smile was worth it.

It was because of this that he realized his life belonged to them – his loved ones, his wife and child. It was then that he finally realized he could never throw his life away, that the future was his to take.

IX. It ended while holding the palm of a tiny hand – the dawn of life and of a new day.

Life, in a way, had always been a hard path to figure out. But as one grows, one also learns that difficult roads always led to the most beautiful destinations. He realized this along the way, that whatever he felt now wouldn’t be the same feeling later; whatever sadness and misery he was in could still be replaced with a smile if he tried.

Because in life, the beauty of experience, of learning to dance in the rain could only be done if you worked hard enough, if you endured and weathered the storm.

There were a lot of moments in life where he wanted to give up, to relinquish his hold in a world that had given him nothing but pain and suffering. And yet it was in these moments where people usually proved him wrong – that he had to live, to keep fighting because there were people who cared, who loved him.

People who wanted him to feel that he mattered.

And even if many a time he overlooked it, too blind to his own self hate and desolation to notice the love that others enveloped him in – even if many a time he was defeated by his own self, someone still wrapped him in love that he had gradually learned to accept. Looking back, everything he had experienced, the agglutination of all events in his life led to this moment – a present that he wished for.

It wasn’t perfect, but it was something that he couldn’t even fathom before, if he hadn’t endured.

There had been a lot of moments that defined him, that he could look back to and smile now. Sure, he was still haunted by his past, could still remember and dream about the pain and torture he went through, the pain and grief he allowed people to experience.

But if it meant feeling his loved one’s body against his, watching her sleep and being her source of strength – he would endure it. Because there was no greater happiness in his life than seeing love in someone else’s eyes, or watching friends laugh and smile with him and being there for them, or hugging his best friend tightly and making amends after everything they had been through, or whispering I love you to someone and getting a flushed cheek as a response.

And then, there was experiencing waiting for a child as it grows in a mother’s womb, the heartwarming feeling of a newborn’s cry that sent his heart bursting with happiness when he finally met him because they had been waiting for so long, the unparalleled joy as tears fell when he held his son for the first time.

The first smile. The first laugh. His first words.

It was all worth the pain, he was worth seeing hell, for the both of them.

“Papa, you’re so slow!” A small boy laughed, taking his hand. He had raven hair and his mother’s deep violet eyes. He was holding his mother’s hand, who was looking at them with loving eyes.

“I’m coming.” His boy had grown so big now, but he was still their baby in his eyes. Ken could still remember everything about him as a baby, could still remember the nights he held him in his arms as he slept or the way he would cling to his mom. He could still hear his cry, had memorized the sound of his laughs. They were on their way to the square to watch the fireworks, a tradition the three of them had gotten used to ever since Kazuki was born.

“When will we see the fireworks?” he asked his mother excitedly, prompting Touka to fix his disheveled hair as she responded. “In a few minutes, Kazuki.”

“Your patience is like your Mom’s,” Ken chuckled, prompting Touka to punch him playfully on his arm.

“No, it’s not,” she responded, laughing with him.

Kazuki looked at them happily and grinned, “But the fireworks are so beautiful, I can stare at them the whole day! I wish Aya-chan and Hina-chan went with us.”

“Yes, they are, and Aya-chan and Hina-chan will spend tomorrow with us so just wait a little longer,” Ken lifted him up so that he would have a better view, and then he put one hand in Touka’s waist to pull her closer. “Papa, please tell me again stories about you and Mama!”

Touka kissed her son on the forehead, amused at how mischievous he was. “I will tell you a story about your father instead.”

“Who’d you want to listen to, Kazuki?” challenged Ken.

Kazuki looked at both of them, putting one finger on his chin as he pondered on an answer. “Both!”

Touka chucked at her child’s antics, not surprised by his answer. “Well let’s see, your Papa used to be a crybaby, he cried over the little of things. Mama had to save him lots of times!” Touka said smugly, looking at Ken.

“Papa always made your Mama worry back then,” Ken responded, looking at her fondly. Touka felt a blush creep on her face at his words, unable to look at him as she turned away.

“Why did you make Mama worry, Papa? That’s bad!” Kazuki chastised, but he giggled nonetheless.

“Well, Papa ran off and became a bad guy because he let bad guys take him and then was ashamed, so he couldn’t face Mama.”

“It took a while for your Papa to return, Aya-chan had to scold him at some point when he got together with Mama because he was stubborn,” Touka continued, finally resting her head on Ken’s shoulder.

“Papa saved Mama too, then we had you and both of us were so happy!” Kazuki giggled as he kissed both of his parents’ cheeks.

“I love you, Papa, Mama,” he declared proudly, holding them as close to his chubby cheeks as he could. “And I love Yomo-chan, Mi-chan, Hina-chan, and Aya-chan. Then I also love Uncle Hide, Auntie Saiko and Mucchan, Juu-kun and Uncle Uri, Uncle Shuu and Nii-chan!”

Ken kissed his son’s chubby cheek and smiled at the life that he never thought would be possible.

For him, this was a new beginning, a fresh start. It maybe just a continuation of another year of his life, but it enabled him to be more thankful and look forward to another year with his family, his everything.

How many years had he wished to have one, how many times had he dreamt of holding someone’s hand? And now that he had seen it happen? His heart could only burst of so much happiness upon realizing how many blessings he had been given, how many amazing people he had the honor of calling as his loved one.

As the first one lifted off to show off its bright and majestic colors, Ken couldn’t help but feel happy that he made it this far. He pointed the colors to Kazuki, who brightly responded and squealed on how much he loved them. Then, the three of them watched as the colors danced in the sky – a light that contrasted the darkness of the night as the gentle breeze soothed their souls.

It was New Year’s Eve – the dawn of a new day.

Do let me know what you think! Review and reblog if you liked it! :)

#touken #tokyo ghoul #kanetou #touka kirishima #ken kaneki #shar.writes #lifetime #tokyo ghoul:re #tg:re #kaneki x touka #tg fanfiction #my writing #goodness it took me forever to write this #i hope people will like it

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xellzios · 6 years

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Hi @mamasaiko and @hamliet, you both caused this. This might be a headcanon on a long project I might work on. :')

She could hear her heart breaking at the sound of his sobs. They had drowned the noise of the town, the cars, the world - it was so painful that she couldn't help but hug him tighter as a lone tear fell from her eyes.

In all the years he had been with her, Touka had never heard him cry so painfully - even when he was lonely and even when it was physically painful, it had never been like this.

"Don't cry, baby. Mama's here," she whispered, her hand carressing his back comfortingly. Her gaze moved to the man in front of them, looking so helpless and in pain as he clenched his hand and closed his eyes. Must it be like this? Didn't her son deserve happiness?

"All I want," Kazuki tried, sobbing as he finally looked at his mom, "all I want is my Mama and Papa."

It was then that she knew that her heart broke apart.

#touken #headcanons #dance of the fireflies #shar.writes

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xellzios · 6 years

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Disclaimer: My Mutsuki x Urie gift to a dear friend who had been with me and has always been supporting me. I am thankful to have you @hamliet. Love you! :)

Words: 2147

Rating: Angst

PREVIEW:

Standing in front of him while he huffed, his labored and ragged breathing not escaping his own ears – he could only guess how much pain he was in, how much he had to suffer alone. It was always present in his emerald eyes, he thought, it had always been there – unspoken, unnoticed, untouched by the world. It was always hidden with his lies, with his nervous façade whenever someone would hit a point close to home, with a smile whenever someone asked.

There was a certain heartbreak in knowing that all decisions have led to this point – words unspoken, feelings starved, voices that weren’t heard; it pained him that it had to arrive at this.

But it was partly his fault, right? He was always late – late in saving him, late in realizing what really mattered, late in grasping how he hid while he suffered alone and most of all, too late in understanding how much he meant to him.

For Urie Kuki, it was always a burden he had to carry in his heart – a burden of someone who was left behind to mend a broken family, the burden of one who had to keep everyone together when everything was falling apart. It was a burden of not knowing how to reach out, of also wanting to respect someone’s privacy but at the same time wanting to be there for someone. In a sense, he was more than thankful that he had to experience this, otherwise he wouldn’t have grown and realized how much everyone meant to him – he had to change and accept the things he couldn’t handle and learn to let go, but at the same time, learn to use his own power to protect and keep the people he loved alive.

All the time he had suffered, all the time he couldn’t be there to mend it, to be there for him, all the time he had cried for help wordlessly yet no one reached out – it all arrived in this point. It was a point of no return, a point of make or break, a point where he had to do everything in his power to take him back home – to the Chateau, to them.

He wouldn’t dare lose him forever.

He clenched his stomach as the huge stab wound trickled with his own blood, his body becoming numb from the pain as the fighting dragged on. He could feel his lungs screaming at him, as they constricted painfully with every breath he took. His heart was beating at a fast pace, as if reminding him that there was just so much time he could spend in this battle before his body would give up. And his legs shook with such intensity that he felt like they would give up on him soon as his vision blurred.

He had to act fast.

Tooru Mutsuki started moving again, using his awry kagune to launch a barrage of attacks as his blades flew towards Urie and Saiko. With a quick dodge on the blades and a block of the shield, Urie protected both him and Saiko from the flurry of attacks that the kagune commanded. Every blow gave a heavy beating on his heart, every hit close to home. There was already the two of them, and yet even as time had passed, and the fighting dragged on, they still couldn’t match up to him.

In a way, Urie was proud of how far Tooru had come, was happy to know that he had managed to become this strong. Fighting with him opened his eyes on how much growth and power one could be capable of – with all the wrong reasons maybe, but it was still a growth from how much incapable he had felt nonetheless.

He was responsible for this change, for this transformation. And he would do anything to bring that those kind, gentle eyes once again.

If he could only reach out more, if he could only tell him that they could fight together again instead of doing it against each other – then maybe Tooru didn’t have to feel that he needed to walk alone, that his life meant something.

But it always did to him.

He gazed at Tooru’s bitter face – his eyes hardened by the cruelties of the world, his smile twisted by the mask he had tried so hard to keep on as his feelings leaked. He wanted to reach out to him, needed him to realize that he would be here for better or for worse. He knew better, oh he did – he knew all the suffering he hid under that cruel smile, the silent cry for help.

“What are you waiting for, Urie? Kill me and everything will go back to normal. End this once and for all!” Tooru shouted, laughing hysterically as he let his kagune grow rampant and do the talking for him – to lash out his pain, to show them his suffering without holding back.

“No, I’m here to bring you home. We will all go home together.” He ran, trying to get closer to him, trying so hard to reach him. Was it too much to ask? Was it too much to wish for them to go back and laugh together again?

“Uri!” Saiko shouted as she battled her own with another tendril, eyes wide with horror as she realized he got hit. And yet, Urie looked at her as a kind smile erupted on his face. He wanted Saiko to trust him, wanted her to know he would bring Tooru home. And Saiko, with teary eyes, nodded as she concentrated on defeating the other tendrils of Tooru’s kagune.

Urie held onto the kagune as tightly as he could, not letting it go as he took small, tentative steps forward.

How many times had he failed him? How many times had he shrugged him off while he suffered?

“R-remember when you s-saved me?” he muttered through heavy breaths, his eyes hazy as he slowly tried to reach out. “Back then, you did not hesitate to get h-hurt if it meant I could come back.”

He could see Tooru’s eyes falter a bit. It hurt him to see Tooru suffer like this, to see himself as useless and undeserving of life. “I realized back then, how much you m-meant to me.” If he had only known this would happen, he wouldn’t have allowed Tooru to get out of his sight.

“S-stop this,” Tooru voiced out painfully, stepping back as finally, Saiko’s kagune caught him off guard and wrapped around him. It held him in place, unable to move.

Urie could feel the hesitation in his voice, could feel the pain Tooru felt as he slowly realized what he had been doing. The tendril shifted slightly inside him, yet he held onto it tightly and trudged forward, laughing at the absurdity of the situation. “N-no, I won’t. Not until I reach y-you.”

If he only reached out sooner, if he only learned how to alleviate his pain; if only he didn’t let his heart dwindle when he needed him the most – then maybe, just maybe, spilled blood and twisted feelings wouldn’t have existed.

Tooru threw a knife to faze him as he struggled to get free from Saiko’s iron grip, successfully grazing his cheek. And yet, he retained his warm, gentle look at him, a smile that told him he mattered, that he was loved. “I have failed you a lot of times, I can’t, won’t fail you now, Tooru.” He could feel his own tears fall as he fought his way to him, to finally reach him and hold him. It hurt him so much to see him suffer right now, to see him cry a tearless shout of help just so someone could end his misery.

“If only I saw, if only I realized sooner,” he continued as he finally reached him, finally embracing him. “I’m sorry you had to suffer alone.”

He could feel him slacken slightly at his touch, could feel his tears that managed to trickle down into Urie’s arms. He tightened his embrace around him, skin contacting skin, warmth contacting life. “We’re here now, I’m here now.”

“But why,” Tooru cried out, the pain in his voice so evident and severe that it stabbed him painfully in the heart. “Why wouldn’t you kill me instead?”

He didn’t deserve to live, he didn’t want to live. All this time, he had been suffering, walking aimlessly in a badly beaten path with no one there with him to take his hand. He had been viewed as a monster, was thought to have a grotesque heart – and he accepted every beating, giving up on himself in every whiplash, in every pain. He had felt in the deepest crevices of his heart that he didn’t deserve to live, that he was just an expendable piece that could easily be replaced. And even when he called out for help, no one was there.

“Because I love you,” Urie said simply, holding his head closer to his chest. He could feel it as Tooru’s hands balled into fists, as he tried to thrash away from his grasp.

Love? Since when had someone loved him? It was only Haise who showed him kindness and respect, who gave him the warmest smile. Was he – did he deserve this? Would it be okay to accept this?

“Saiko loves you too Mucchan,” Saiko agreed, hugging him in the back, feeling his warmth and his life. “All we wanted is for you to come home.”

The thought of coming home hurt Tooru too much, as he realized how painful it had been to be alone, as he realized how hard it was to come home into an empty and desolated house that had once been his shelter. But as their words slowly crept in, he wanted to believe in it, their words. He wanted to believe that he did matter even if he himself couldn’t find any reason why – too lost in his darkness, too blinded by his pain. “I have done horrible things.”

How would he hope for anyone to accept him if he had led a thousand of children to their deaths for a wish to feel safe once more? How would he hope for anyone to accept him if he had done terrible, unspeakable things?

“If you think you can’t make it, if you feel like you’re dying, then we are here when you give up on yourself.” Many times, Urie had been saved, many times when he felt like it was the most painful, someone reached out to him and gave him the warmest smile. And now, to be able to give it back, to be able to do something for someone he loved made him feel like his heart would burst. “We’re here to take your hand.”

“That’s not fair.” Painful words whispered by a broken heart, a voice that had lost its ability to speak, a life that felt like it had no meaning.

“It’s okay,” Urie whispered through the pain, willing him to understand that all suffering would be worth it if he would come home. “You can direct your hatred, your pain, to me.” He would accept it willingly, he wanted to carry Tooru’s burden if it meant he would see him smile. Slowly, he put both hands on his shoulders, a shaking hand tilting his chin so that Tooru would look at him and see the honesty in his eyes. And then, he reached a bloodied hand to his face, his thumb stroking it tenderly as he gave him the warmest, most tender smile. “If it helps me to save you, I would do it. I would do anything to bring you home.”

Tooru’s heart suddenly skipped a beat at his words as painful tears fell without a qualm. For the longest time, he had been looking for a light, had been looking for someone who could save him from himself – from all the pain and darkness that he was wrought. To suddenly feel the warm embrace and a smile that was waiting for him, to know that someone was there suddenly made him feel a tightness in his chest that hurt so good. He let his kagune disappear as a sob escaped, and then another, and then one more – and he finally saw himself crying ugly tears in Urie’s shoulder.

Tooru’s body shook with the sound of his cries as he muttered unintelligent words, as he felt their warmth and their presence caressing him, making him feel safe. He could feel Urie’s heartbeat in his chest, could feel the warmth of his life channeling through him. And for the first time as he closed his eyes, he finally felt like he was home – back to the Chateau where everyone stood there, where Urie stood with a smile.

‘I’m home.’

This is the first time I wrote Mutsurie so please be easy with my heart. Let me know what you think. Review and reblog if you liked it. :)

#tokyo ghoul #tooru mutsuki #urie kuki #mutsurie #mutsuki tooru #kuki urie #tokyo ghoul:re #tg:re #tg fanfiction #shar.writes #my writing

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xellzios · 6 years

Text

Lifetime: Lost Love

Lifetime: Lost Love || Love Found

Disclaimer: A Kenference of some sort, a little throwback to Touka and Ken’s evolving relationship through some of the most iconic scenes in the manga. It is a two-part series and the titles should give you an idea on what to expect. Hope you enjoy. Thank you so much @hamliet for being awesome and to @mamasaiko for helping me read through the manga!

These were the instrumentals I listened to while making this: [x], [x], [x], [x]

Words: 9451 (I cannot seem to make anything under 5,000. The combined two parts is about 15,000+)

Rating: Angst, Drama

PREVIEW:

Kuro: “If you died, Touka-chan, I would probably be… sad.”

Shiro: “I wonder why.”

240: “Useless, pathetic. Couldn’t save, couldn’t do anything.”

Haise: “It’s delicious, it really is.”

Reaper: “You’re a cruel one, Touka.”

I. It started with a worried touch on her shoulder – one she never expected, one that made her world take a turn.

“If you died, Touka-chan, I would probably be… sad.”

She felt her heart skip a beat. Maybe it was the way he said it – the sincere, melancholic tone of his voice as he uttered every word. Maybe it was the way his eyes looked down in surrender and dejection. And yet, even after all her taunts and jabs, she could see that there was a small part of his actions which pleaded her to reconsider.

Because he cared.

He was just a brat that was thrust into this world, who now suffered the consequences of being a ghoul. He was someone who called her a monster, someone whose ass she had to save a couple of times as he walked into the darkest alley of the world. He was just another person who never felt the hardships that ghouls had to go through.

And yet, he chose to go with her and offered her a kind smile.

Slowly, he bent down to her level and used one of his legs to support his weight. He proceeded on lifting up the sleeves of her uniform to tend to her injury. And then he worked silently, even getting disinfectants out of a small medical box to tend to her. Touka allowed him to, looking away in the opposite direction as a faint blush crept on her face.

Ken Kaneki’s words didn’t dare leave her thoughts as he worked on her wounds.

All her life, there had been no one who accepted her as a ghoul, except her fellow kin. All her life, even though all she wanted was to live peacefully, she had to face the harsh reality of what being a ghoul entailed. Her mother died because they were hunted, leaving her father in endless misery as he could never come to terms with her death. In turn, he too had to suffer the consequences of his actions and she was left alone to take care of her brother. They were forced out of their home, hunted like animals and had to live by themselves in the streets. Life had been cruel and even when she thought that it would finally get better after meeting the manager, her brother had to disappear in his quest to get stronger.

One by one, all the people she cared for, all the people she loved, disappeared from her life.

For someone to tell her that she was significant, that her life was precious in his own way made her feel like maybe, maybe living wouldn’t be so bad at all even for a ghoul like her. For him to reach out to her, to reassure her that she mattered – for him to choose to stand by her, even though he already knew the dangers she would be facing from now on? It was enough to tell her that maybe he wasn’t bad after all.

“There, it’s all cleaned up,” Kaneki told her, rolling the sleeves of her uniform back down. He looked at his handy work, a satisfied smile erupting on his lips and then he directed the warmth of that smile to her. “Does it hurt?”

”N-no,” Touka’s cheeks flushed, her eyes not daring to look at his as she stared at the ground.

Kaneki was pleased with her response, knowing that she would never really say anything besides that. He stood up, smoothening his pants before he reached out a hand towards her to help her stand.

It made her divert her gaze at the small garbage can that was present at the back of the café instead, heart racing as her mind was flooded with questions. “Why are you sticking your nose in my business?”

She wanted to know if he was just being kind because she was injured, if it was just his personality to be like this. She wanted to validate the sincerity in his voice when he told her those words. “Because I care about you,” he muttered, his hand still reaching out for her to take, his voice laced with surprise. “I want to help you.”

“Why?”

Why would someone like him care about the plight of a ghoul? For all she knew, he could still lead a normal life as a half-breed. He had an identity as a human, had been a part of them. For someone like him who treated them like monsters, what caused him to change?

“Do I need a reason to care about you, Touka-chan?” Kaneki asked as he drew his hand back and opted to sit next to her instead. “You’re a dear person to me.”

She looked at him, eyes wide and mouth agape at his words. He was looking at the floor and yet his eyes showed a wistful look at he contemplated what to say. “You’re kind and strong,” he looked at his hand as he counted, beaming, “you care a lot and let’s see,” he stopped, “you saved me and made me see the world in a different view, along with the manager and everyone.”

There was a huge truth in that, because Ken Kaneki knew that if it wasn’t for this experience, he would never have realized how much he valued them and his time here, how much more he wanted to help them and walk by their side. It was the first time he felt like this, it was the first time he found a place he belonged. He looked at her and grinned, “I still don’t think killing is the way to make Hinami-chan happy, but you living and being there for her will.”

“I’m a murderer,” she muttered once more, hugging both of her legs and resting her chin on them. The reality of the words made her sick. “I don’t deserve to live.”

“All of us were given a life, it’s our right.” He sighed loud enough for her to hear, “for us, you are Touka, nothing more and nothing less.”

It was in that moment that her perception of him changed, the exact moment where she vowed to keep living because she realized the truth in his words.

It was in that moment that Ken Kaneki had saved Touka Kirishima for the first time.

II. It drifted apart with words muttered out of spite – as the unspoken words from the heart were left unsaid, feelings which would get buried in time memoriam.

“Why did you have to change?”

Touka could feel her voice breaking with every word that came out of her mouth. All of her loneliness, all of her heartbreak – they have now been thrust with force into the punches she had jabbed in his face.

She wished it wouldn’t have to be like this, wished that they would’ve met under other circumstances. She knew he had been suffering, carrying the burden alone after all this time. All she wanted was to tell him that she was still here, that she had been waiting for him to come back – and yet she had spilled all her anger and resentment of the world in his face.

She almost didn’t hear want to hear it anymore – the voice that was deeply entwined with sadness, the voice of a soul who lost himself and had no idea on how to come back. She didn’t want to because she had no idea if she would ever get him back from it.

There was always the lingering feeling of guilt, of not being strong enough to prevent this, of not being there to protect him and save him before he had to suffer such terrible lengths. It wasn’t even his fault that he became a one-eyed ghoul. Every day, her regret would eat her as she realized what she had lost that day when Aogiri decided to investigate Anteiku. It was the same day Touka saw her brother again – Ayato had grown and yet his hatred was still strong as ever, choosing instead to hate the world that had once forsaken them. It was then when she realized once again what she had lost, not knowing what she was about to lose.

She mourned the fact that she had lost Kaneki entirely – his whole being enveloped with the despair and solitude that continued to feast on his soul. Had she been strong enough then maybe, he would have still been there – working at the café with the rest of them. She wouldn’t have had to see Hinami’s sad and lonely eyes that only lit up whenever she saw them, wouldn’t have had to experience her helplessness whenever they would talk about Kaneki. It was always heartbreaking to see loved ones suffer – no one deserved this – not him, not Hinami, not anyone really.

If it wasn’t for that day, she would also never have had to experience being torn apart by the fact that this man underneath her was a person she loved – changed by the world and all the circumstances around him, changed by the fact that he became a ghoul.

Where did those kind, gentle eyes go to? Where did his smile disappear? What did they do to him that he had to change and burden himself more with everything that wasn’t even inside his control? How could she even think of saving him from it, how could she even lift up his misery? She wished she could wash away all his pain, all his misery, and fight his darkness with him.

But she knew the answer – she couldn’t because he wouldn’t have allowed her to, and it pained her in every possible way.

Tears fell from her eyes as she held onto his shirt, clutching it tightly. All her regret had pooled into these tears she had tried to keep at bay all this time, all the feelings she had wanted to say spilling their depths into her eyes.

She gritted her teeth to control the intensity of her sobs. She had held onto his promise – a promise that said that he wouldn’t leave her alone, a promise that she had valued more than she thought of. She was tired of losing everyone she loved just because they were ghouls, she was tired of having to live this kind of life just because of who they were.

This was why she hated this life and resigned to the fact that she too never deserved to live – because they were treated like scums – monsters who were thought to have chosen this way of life. She detested this with every part of her being and yet she couldn’t do anything about it, choosing instead to live the life she was given but was prepared to die at any given time.

And yet, with his words, she was able to find solace on who she was – not because she was a ghoul, but because of who she was, a person whom he deemed worthy of living. It pained her that the circumstances have changed, that should she let him go, she was afraid she would never see him again. All she wanted was to have him back.

All she wanted was to save him.

“It didn’t have to be like this,” she muttered, mostly to herself as she let go of him. Her heart had shattered into a million pieces as she realized what she had done. Helplessly, she walked away.

Her footsteps were slow and heavy as she wished she could turn back to tell him to stay with her, to return. But she had already stammered words that were born due to her frustration, had already done a damage so severe. She wished she didn’t, wished that she told him instead to come back.

So she walked away – away from the bridge that had brought them together at last, away from the person whom she had tried to reach out to, her heart beating as loudly as the sound of her tears.

“I wonder why,” he choked, but she couldn’t hear anymore. Kaneki couldn’t stand up, did not have the energy to even lift a finger as he touched his aching cheeks. His eyes were hollow as his soul as he realized he had lost his place to belong to once more.

III. It was thought to have ended up in a dream – where he was comforted by her presence, where he was kept sane by her existence, even if he didn’t remember.

He was crying again.

“Number 240, feeding time.” The warden said gently, prompting a ghoul whose eyes were hidden in a pile of torn and bloody bandages to run to the jail door and scream.

“LET ME OUT, LET ME OUT,” he bellowed on the top of his lungs, fingernails digging at the thick, cold steel of the door’s metal framework with a screech. He couldn’t see, yet he kept looking around in a frantic fashion – mumbling non-sense about saving people. “I DON’T NEED IT, PLEASE LET ME OUT.”

The warden stepped back, his eyes locked with the dangerous ghoul’s form. They always had different shifts, it all depended on the day. For some reason, he never minded it when he was scheduled in this area, because he pitied him. Most of the other people on duty hated it when they were assigned here. But for him, the man looked like he was in serious pain, as if his mere existence alone was causing him to suffer.

Every day, the warden would hear him shout like this when it was time to give him meals. Every day, he would scream how useless he was, how powerless and helpless he felt. Sometimes, he would catch him as he mumbled names upon names incoherently, clutching his heart. It felt as if he was blaming himself for failing people, going as far as mutilating his own body to ease a little bit of a pain so raw that it never left.

There would be blood on the door, on the walls – and sometimes he would bathe in his own pool of crimson.

He was no. 240, the SS-rated ghoul.

“Waaaaaaah,” he bellowed, scraping his cheeks from the force he exerted. “Who am I? I am… me, me, me!” He sprinted towards the other side of the room when there was no more response, and the warden observed how quick he was to clutch both of his legs as he rocked himself back and forth. “Useless, pathetic.” He was on the left corner now, clutching his head with both hands as he cried, “Couldn’t save, couldn’t do anything.”

The wardens of Cochlea would always talk about him – about how deranged he was, about how he never failed to scream at the top of his lungs. Sometimes, a specific word would trigger him to stop, and he would lie on the bed and hug himself. He would utter gibberish words they could not comprehend – and when it was time to clean his room the next day, they could see the tears of blood that stained the otherwise white, linen cloth they used as bed covers.

“It’s okay, you’re safe,” he whispered suddenly, one day. He didn’t know what prompted him to do this, didn’t know if it would have a consequence – all he knew was that even this person needed someone to comfort him. The ghoul looked up to the sound of his voice, still clutching both of his legs.

It was as if he stared at the warden’s soul. The warden could read his curiosity even with his bandaged eyes, could tell that he was searching for him. Both of them were silent for a while, as 240 tried to locate the sound of the voice. Sometimes, he would hold one hand forward, as if expecting someone to reach out to him. The warden never did though, so he put his head down in surrender.

And then, out of nowhere, he uttered words serenely.

“She said that,” 240 spoke tenderly, his lips producing a small smile as he rested his chin in his arms.

“Who did?” the warden asked, curious about the change in behavior that the ghoul elicited today. It was the first time he heard him talk coherently without resulting in violence. She must be important.

“She did,” he whispered gently, “she said she will be here with me, she said she believes in me.”

A small smile formed on the corner of his mouth. It seemed that even for ghouls such as him, there were people who were left behind, people they love whom they couldn’t even see because they were stuck in this prison. This ghoul must be missing a loved one. “Do you miss her?”

240’s brows furrowed, one hand reaching for his forehead. He clutched his hair. “I can’t remember her,” he started panicking, his breath ragged and his heart racing. “AAAAAAAHHHH! AAAHHHH! I need to – I need to – don’t leave me! AAAAHHHH!”

He couldn’t imagine what she looked like, couldn’t imagine the color of her eyes. He felt like he was always needed to chase after her, that if he didn’t keep thinking about her and didn’t run after her, he would lose her.

Like everyone else, really. “Please… don’t leave me.”

For once, he felt hopeless – consumed by the fact that all he had of her was a memory that would soon be forgotten. She had been his sanity over the last couple of months, had been his only source of comfort. 240 rocked himself back and forth, helpless and alone – feeling empty and forgotten.

He could feel a hand placed on his shoulder and briefly, he wondered who it was. He looked up, but with the wounds and bandages in his eyes, he couldn’t really see anything now, could he? Yet the warmth felt familiar – it was something he craved for, something he had longed ever since he came here. There was no voice, no sound that came from anywhere, yet he knew there was someone there. Then he remembered a warm smile, a gentle voice calling out his name. He hugged himself, smiling at the tenderness created by that person’s presence. It felt like she was there, consoling him, telling him it would be alright.

He couldn’t even remember what she looked like, couldn’t even recall why she was important. Yet her presence alone had been the bane of his existence – the one that kept him together, the one that kept him warm. It was the reason why he would cry at times, but also the reason why he would feel like he wasn’t alone.

Alas, today he dreamt – of the times a black-haired boy was mixing coffee on a café while a girl stood watch, a girl whose deep blue eyes mesmerized his soul. He dreamt of her comforting presence as his head was on her lap, as she caressed his hair – as he fell asleep. Her presence was soothing, her fiery nature calming. ‘Tou – ka.’

And as the warden left him alone in his cell, fast asleep with a peaceful look on his face – he couldn’t help but wish that even in the dream, he would be reunited with his loved ones, at the least – even if it meant he had to cry tears of red.

IV. It was found again with a touch of hands – the language of which had been lost for a while, forgotten within the depths of time.

“This fragrance, the shop will surely have some good coffee,” a voice, so familiar and yet so distant entered the shop she had been managing for a few years. Somehow, it made her heart skip a beat. Somehow, it made her remember a certain person whom she had missed dearly.

“My nose kagune is whispering that to me,” the man chirped to one of his friends.

“Nose kagune?” another voice asked, clearly curious and amused. The person probably was entertained with the man’s antics.

“Amazing RC cells,” another man retorted, chuckling.

She couldn’t see who they were, and yet she wondered if they were ghouls as they kept talking. The familiar voice spoke in a way that made her feel hesitant to greet them, a hand clutching her heart as she realized how long it had been. Touka Kirishima was afraid, to be honest. A part of her wanted to move and see who was speaking, wanted to hope that he had finally returned home; and yet a part of her did not want her hopes up only for it to be extinguished once again – it was tired and draining to do so, yet she could never give up even after all these years.

She lifted her head to look at Yomo and realized that he too, had been staring at the newcomers. His expression was hard to read at first, as he always kept his composure. But when he did finally see them clearly, his eyes widened, lips parting at the sight. Was she even ready? She had been waiting all this time, but she didn’t know what she needed to do to brace her wits.

With a sigh, she gathered her resolved as she saw Yomo’s shocked expression looking at the newcomers, indicating that it might really have been that someone they knew and lost, someone who now made his way back to them. She wanted to make sure she smiled at him, enough for him to know that she had always believed.

“Hey,” she shouted nervously at Yomo, using humor to keep her feelings at bay, a diversion she couldn’t allow to pass up. Her voice sounded anxious and strained even to her ear, and she only hoped no one would notice as she took her tentative steps towards them. “How many times do I have to tell you to greet our customers?”

His eyes blinked, a look of surprise marring his otherwise gleeful face, widening at the sight of her. There was a certain familiarity in her presence, as he felt his heart tug dangerously in his chest. He wanted to know what triggered these feelings, as he suddenly felt an intense sadness welling in the pit of his stomach. She smiled at them, and yet he couldn’t help but notice how much she might have been mirroring his own reaction – disbelief, shock, and familiarity. Unlike him though, with a snap of a finger, she returned to being a friendly manager, as she asked for their orders.

In a heartbeat, Haise Sasaki’s mood suddenly plummeted to the ground. He didn’t know why, had no logical explanation why such a beautiful woman triggered these intense feelings. He suddenly felt so hollow and lonely as he took a seat, his subordinates staring curiously at the sudden change of the mood.

Why? He did not understand this feeling, and yet it was as if he had found something important – a part of a jigsaw puzzle, a part of him that had been missing, even if he didn’t know why. But he felt like it was out of his reach.

As she jotted down their individual orders, Touka couldn’t help but bite the inside of her cheeks as she tried to keep her emotions at bay. There was something different about this man, and yet there was no mistaking that he was the same person she had been waiting for all these years.

When she turned her back, it took all her willpower not to crumble apart.

His warm gray eyes and kind smile, the way he looked at her and the way he carried himself – all the memories she had of him suddenly flashed back in silent recognition. She closed her eyes as she willed her heart to still. Slowly, she returned to the counter, using it as a leverage to hold her up as she left the three customers to Yomo’s care. She almost dropped whatever she was holding because she felt her legs turn into jelly.

For the first time in three years, she finally felt herself give in.

It was surreal really, to see him again. He was a completely different person and seemed to be one of the doves now, judging from the coat he was wearing. Somehow, it made her sad if he somehow didn’t remember them at all. And yet, as she touched the small cups and prepared their coffee, all she could think of was how glad she was that he was here, that he was alive. She concocted his drink with such tenderness and familiarity, her eyes staring down as the liquid whirled slowly into the cup. She hoped that somehow, this would give him a sense of home and would feel the joy she felt right now. And that if he didn’t remember, he would at least feel that it was prepared with love from people who do love him and had waited for him after all this time. If Hinami and the manager were here, they would’ve been overjoyed to see him as well.

While thinking about this, she didn’t realize how her tears already made their way down her cheeks.

“Are you sure you’re okay? I can do it for you,” Yomo asked as he returned, his expression betraying the worry in his face.

“No, I want to do it, I’ve waited all this time,” she laughed hopelessly, looking at the coffee cups as she wiped off her tears. She knew he had good intentions, she knew the underlying message of why he didn’t want her to be hurt.

But he didn’t know how much it brought her immense relief, as if a huge cross she always carried in her heart was suddenly removed. She thought that time had erased her prayers, and yet seeing him stand before her was like a wish she never known would come true. As she loaded the cups into the tray and went out of the counter, she remembered how Yomo stared at him gravely, his eyes focused as he studied him – as if silently asking if he remembered them.

She had to smile sadly, because she thought that no matter how cruel it was for him to stumble here and not remember, maybe, just maybe, it would be better that way. She was just happy he was finally here with them – even just by mere presence, even if not totally, she would accept it.

“Sorry for the wait,” she smiled at the trio, vaguely noticing the orange-haired man’s excited face and how their green-haired companion anticipated her. One by one, she carefully unloaded the coffee she had painstakingly prepared into the table for them to enjoy.

“It’s a great smell,” Touka heard him say, as he inhaled the warm scent of coffee beans and smiled at his companions. They gently picked up their respective cups and did the same, relishing the inviting aroma with appreciation.

There was something in this coffee which Haise Sasaki found precious. It smelled of roasted beans and citrus, along with a floral scent that sent his heart beating with the air of nostalgia. Somehow, he felt like after all these years of searching, all these years of pining for the perfect blend, he might have finally found it.

Tooru Mutsuki stared in wonder as he took his first sip, reveling in delight. It interrupted Haise’s thoughts while he waited patiently for his feedback. “Whoa, delicious!” He started wide-eyed at his cup, seemingly overjoyed.

The other one, Shirazu Ginshi laughed, patting him on the shoulder. “It’s a bull’s eye! and Sassan’s nose kagune ain’t shit either. Right?”

He beamed gratefully at his companions and then stared at his own cup, marveling at his reflection in the dark liquid. As he lifted it up and took the first sip, a plethora of emotions overcame him. The coffee tasted complex as the fusion of its qualities melded in his mouth – it was sweet and fruity, rich and warm; qualities that exploded in his tongue. Somehow, it felt like he was closer to who he really was after tasting it. And oh god, the emotions given on how it was prepared – he could feel them in his heart, could imagine the manager’s movements as she made the blends. It felt warm and gentle, like someone welcoming you back after a hard day’s work. The scent was so inviting that it drew him towards it, towards a warmth he had missed, but could not quite understand. He could feel a great love and longing mixed with the taste, as if someone had been waiting and finally found him.

He felt like he found himself as he finally, finally realized how fruitful years of searching for the perfect blend had been. It felt like he was welcomed somewhere after years of being lost and tears quietly rolled down his face at the notion. The coffee did taste like home.

“Ahaha, yeah it’s good,” Shirazu hollered, amused. “Sassan, that’s too much! Is this some kind of a joke?”

Touka heard them admiring how tasty the coffee was and the sound of the man’s flabbergasted tone from where she watched near the counter. She smiled at Yomo in silent reassurance and he just gave her a small smirk, trusting she could handle her own as he went back to work. She was happy and proud that they loved it, because she did pour her heart out into making it.

“N-no, it’s strange,” he stammered, head down as he stared at his cup. “I wonder what this is.”

Was he crying?

It felt bizarre, and yet it suddenly warmed her heart to know that somehow, they were still alive in his. She was happy to know that her feelings reached him – that even if he didn’t remember, they were undeniably still a part of him.

Unknowingly, she started walking towards them and reached out to pull something out of her pockets. For a brief moment, she felt the warmth of his life as their hands touch and she couldn’t help but be grateful. She handed him a handkerchief – that even if she couldn’t comfort him, the least she could do was to help him to take them away. He offered his own doleful smile at her, gratefully accepting. “Ah, I’m sorry,” he mumbled, cheeks flushed as he wiped his tears. “It’s delicious, it really is.”

“Thank you,” she responded, giving him a smile, a smile that looked a little troubled and a bit sad – a smile of one who waited and believed in him, someone who he couldn’t even remember.

Maybe it was how she carried herself or how she spoke to him. Maybe it was how much he loved her coffee, or how comforted he felt by her presence.

Whatever the reason was, it made Haise Sasaki keep coming back to :re.

There was a certain familiarity with it, a certain nostalgia that consoled him. He had never thought that a place would have such a profound effect that would leave him yearning.

But it did.

He went back for a second time, then a third and onward. He did this when he was stressed and had to get away, choosing the solace provided by the café. After his interrogation with Donato Porpora with regards to S-rated Serpent, it shook him to the core. He chose to take refuge in the café and there, he was able to appreciate the manager’s kindness the most – she even told him that he could read as much as he wanted whenever he would visit.

There was something about her that made Haise’s heart skip a beat.

He didn’t know if it was her kindness or her gentle disposition. He didn’t know if it was the way she made his coffee exquisitely or the way she spoke to him with such familiarity. Or was it because he felt like she reminded him of someone? He didn’t know.

All he knew was she was beautiful, that her eyes had this certain charm in them that drew him in. They had a certain maturity in them, like they belonged to a person who had experienced a lot in life and yet chose to smile. He loved talking to her – she would always let him ramble, was always willing to listen to his day. So today, on his day off, he was back in :re, his heart looking forward to meeting her once again.

He walked briskly, maneuvering the busy street with such ease until he saw the familiar sign. He took off his coat and entered, surprised to see the manager sitting in one of the tables, her eyes wistful as they looked down at her coffee. She was wearing her familiar apron, both of her hands firmly wrapped on the cup she was holding. He found the sight precious, because he rarely saw her in this state, let alone see her contemplative look – yet he felt like he wanted no more than to comfort her.

There was no one around as it was still quite early. She seemed not to have noticed him quietly entering the café as well so he cleared his throat, gently snapping her out of her reverie as she attempted to stand up.

“Ah, no, don’t worry about it,” he muttered timidly, putting both hands on her shoulders to usher her to get back on her seat. “I just thought I’d rouse you from your deep thoughts.”

Haise gave her a nervous smile, scratching the back of his head. He didn’t know if what he did was right, wishing that the manager wouldn’t get angry at him. She stared at him in wonder, her cheeks tinted with a pink blush as she realized what just occurred.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized, returning his smile, “I didn’t think you’d come by to the shop this early. Usually, you’d drop off during afternoons.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he chuckled, sitting next to her, “I got fired from a calendar factory so it’s my day off. I thought I’d drop by before it gets busy.”

She laughed a bit at his joke, even though it was embarrassingly corny. He just wanted to cheer her up though, and seeing that it worked made him feel a little bit better. Hopefully, it did.

“I’d get you your usual if you want?” she offered, standing up once again.

“Only if you’d join me,” he grinned.

A few minutes later, she came back with another tray of coffee and sat beside him. He thanked her for the cup and they started talking about his job in the CCG and his love for books. It was quite easy to talk to her about it, even though he didn’t know her that much. He told her about being a squad leader to a rumbustious bunch, that he hadn’t been on the job for long but he was happy where he was.

Somehow, he also noticed the seemingly distant look in her eyes as she listened to his stories, along with the sad smile that never dared leave her lips. And yet, she listened to him attentively anyway and asked questions when necessary.

“This coffee is amazing, it’s part of my daily grind,” he chuckled as he took a sip of his coffee, looking at the books. “You know, I’ve been touring coffee shops around the city for as long as I can remember.”

Haise looked down at his reflection solemnly, smiling as he finally told her about his pastime. He didn’t know why he wanted to tell her this, but he at least wanted to give her reassurance that this had been his favorite so far – nothing else came close actually. “It has always been my hobby, but lately I stopped after I found :re.”

The manager’s smile brightened a little at his comment and there was a hint of sparkle in her eyes as she stirred her coffee, “We wanted to make sure that everyone who visited felt at home, that’s what this café meant for us.”

“Is there a history to that?” he asked curiously, his focus shifting to her.

The manager looked at him thoughtfully and smiled before turning her attention back to her cup. There was a certain sadness in her gaze that caught him off-guard and made his stomach churn. “This cafe is a place to return to, for people who are lost who want to go back.”

He didn’t know what she went through, could probably never offer her the comfort she needed. But she was probably waiting for someone and his heart somersaulted at the thought. Even so, he reached out to her and squeezed her hand, surprising her. Even if it was to offer just a little comfort, he’d do it just to see her smile. “Thank you for building it for us.”

It was when he said that, that Touka, the manager of :re, realized how much he still meant to her. She gave him a smile, trying to hold back tears. It made all her and Yomo’s hard work in building :re worth it. It also made her feel like her stomach was crawling with butterflies. His touch was warm and gentle, just like how he used to be. But it was his kind smile that made her want to tear up because nothing else mattered more to her at the moment.

She wanted no more than to tell him about the said person, about how much he meant to her. And yet, her throat was parched and unable to speak words, like always. She promised herself that she would learn to let him go, be content that he was happy where he was.

She did not want to thrust him again into their world, having been burnt at the consequences of what it did to him. Back then, she was unable to save him, was unable to do anything at all to bring him back. And now that she found him, all she wanted was to watch from the distance as he lived his life – watch him smile as his eyes lit up, watch him enjoy the books he loved. It was her wish, had always been her wish to see him happy.

And yet, her heart screamed for him to remember – to remember them, to remember her. She wanted him to recall the moments they spent together, wanted him to remember his promise to her. Her heart cried silently, with no one there to notice.

When Haise Sasaki finally said goodbye, Yomo went out and walked towards Touka, who used the nearby countertop to steady her wobbly legs. It was hard for her to continue this whole charade, he knew. Never in a million years had he dreamt of a reunion such as this, much more for him to suddenly keep popping up as much as he wanted. He knew it hurt Touka to look at him only at a distance, even if all she wanted was to wish for his happiness.

“A part of me always hoped for him to remember,” she told him, dark blue eyes glazed in silent reminisce. When he told her those words today, it was as if something snapped inside her. “How selfish am I that all I wanted for him was to be happy, and yet I also wanted to be included in that happiness?”

It was the first time Yomo held his niece like this in his arms, and it was the first time Touka leaned into the touch. He didn’t have any words to give, any reassurance that he thought would help. He hoped as well that somehow, even if he didn’t remember, even if he would never remember – they would find each other again.

She did build a home for him to return to, after all.

V. It left off with hopeful words muttered from her lips – one which he found cruel as his fate, one he wanted to hold onto.

There was a certain darkness that he never knew existed, a part of him that was stained with blood red markings he would never get rid of. And as he stared at the cold floor where his bed lied, he couldn’t help but clench his teeth in annoyance. He grasped strands of his dark, raven hair and closed his eyes.

As soon as he remembered who he was, he had lost faith in what he had become.

How could he? He had seen both sides, had felt happiness in both parts of the world. And yet, as he was a part of both sides, he also belonged to neither – an existential mess, a wandering soul whose quest of death had made him forget that he needed to live. And finally remembering everything, he felt trapped in an endless nightmare – consumed by the darkness that had enveloped his soul.

He remembered the humans who have died in his hands, those who had to suffer in his quest to find out who he was and what he lived for, and to protect his selfish desires. Fellow CCG officials who had families and loved ones, comrades in arms who died in the line of duty. He had experienced the grief of the people he cared about here – his family. They had given him the life he never knew he would be capable of living, a life which made his path take a turn towards a temporary happiness. It was with them that he felt the joy of what having a family entailed – the laughter they shared, the mundane things he was able to share with them, the joy of seeing them. Had he not lost that day with the same man he now viewed as his father, could he have experienced this?

In his life as a ghoul, his eyes were opened to the warmth and cruelty that was present in both. He couldn’t blame them – the world had made them suffer because of who they were and how they were born, and some of them returned the same gift as they lived in the misery and anguish that their lives had entailed. He was tortured, he saw fellow ghouls die by his hands and at the hands of their kin. It was absurd, twisted, despicable – yet it was the way of their world.

And yet, he too had felt the warmth like no other in his time there. It was there where his eyes had been opened on how humane ghouls could be, how they struggled just to live – of the loved ones they had lost, of the rights they continued to keep losing. Even so, some of them continued to be kind – not even sparing the world an ounce of hatred, only grief to what they have lost and sadness on what they needed to do to continue living. It was with these people that he saw how much one smiled even though it hurt, how much strength they had even though they thought they couldn’t endure. It was through them that he saw a ray of light, of an unparalleled compassion that even though life gave them the darkest hours, they continued to be human.

Lives upon lives lost – a mother’s last moment, giving her child a smile like no other as she wished for her to live; a sister’s last hope as she stroked her beloved brother’s face; a father’s love buried in the past because of sins he couldn’t atone for, as he waited for his daughter to come home; ghouls who sacrificed their lives for the people they loved, even if it meant being killed just for his sake.

How could he have let this happen? How had he forgotten this?

Even he had been saved by a person he cared for, had been given life as another sacrificed herself just to make sure he lived. She knew the consequences – she knew she might have been killed for doing so, she knew there would have been no escape, and yet Hinami Fueguchi chose to save him and accepted whatever would come right after. And for that, she had suffered at their hands.

His sweet, caring younger sister who lost a lot at a young age and continued losing, continued suffering for the sake of her loved ones. How could he have failed her? How could he have failed everyone once again? How much wrong would he be capable of doing? He wished he had the strength like her.

He wouldn’t, couldn’t face them now – especially her.

Remembering her ever tired eyes that were always downcast whenever he would visit, how she tried to smile and act strong like she was okay when she was in front of him – he finally realized how much hell he had made her go through and it brought a feeling of anger for himself.

It was too much for him to bear, too hard to even remember.

By now, he felt nauseous to his stomach, his heart racing and his mind reeling from the memories that resurfaced into his soul. He could taste metallic blood in his lips as he bit the inside of his cheek, could feel the pull of his hand in his scalp as his ragged breath and heavy heart tore him apart.

He was a monster – not a ghoul, not a human, but a monster.

And yet, even a monster remembered gentle eyes and a welcoming smile who always waited, always saved him. How cruel was it that in his darkest, he only had to think of her and his heart would draw back in hurt and anguish instead of anger? Even as he lied on the cold floor of Cochlea, it was through her that he found comfort and peace, even if it was just in a delusion.

How much had he made her suffer, he wondered? If she found out it was his fault that a loved one had been captured, she would never forgive him. All his hopes of going home had now been burnt into ashes, he could never even dare see her again after he had failed.

He remembered the ghouls he had slaughtered, the families he had killed as Haise. How many of them have had loved ones he had taken? How many of them were now in grief because he had chosen to kill for the sake of humans? How much more could his heart endure, how much more did he have to be torn, he wondered?

He had to atone for his sins, for hurting the loved ones he had once vowed to protect once he became strong. The thought that he had failed them, not only once but twice, sent shivers down his spine. ‘How could I have managed such feat as a loser?’ he laughed bitterly. His selfish desire had brought him nothing but strife as he took all his burden alone.

Was all this what his strength entailed? Did all these lives lost for the sake of his ambition only amount to this? It was petty.

His soul was wrapped in all his betrayals – no matter how much he wanted to disregard it, no matter where he went. And even if he wanted nothing more than to correct this, no matter how much he wanted to turn back time as his heart shattered in pieces upon remembering what he had become – he knew death was the only answer.

This time, he would succeed in his mission, he thought, as the shadow of the black reaper’s scythe came into his view.

There was this thing about saying goodbye – you’d think it would be easy to let go, once you made up your mind. But the reality was that it was far from it and you could only wish that you didn’t have to, that the circumstances were different.

That’s what Ken Kaneki thought as he stared at :re at seven in the morning, because he didn’t want Furuta to meddle in his business.

He wanted to see it one last time, to give his heart a bit of peace at least and find a bit of strength as he plotted his final objective. With a sigh, he touched the signboard of the beloved café where Haise Sasaki once found solace and smiled because he too, would have felt the same. It was an establishment that was built upon the love and hope of a person whose wish was for a loved one to come back – no matter who he had become, no matter who he was. Had Haise known it was him all along, he would have been stunned.

He inhaled the scent of coffee beans – of some citrus and vanilla, of the powdery smell of cocoa. He inhaled the smell of old wood and books that lingered even in front of the coffee shop. He inhaled the scent of home.

He gazed at the shop hungrily, yearning for the moment where he would’ve been able to live and spend time with them as himself. He would have been able to help her, would have done everything in his power to keep that smile on her face. He could imagine himself tending to the shop – he would have been the one to wake up early to open it, he would have been the one serving coffee as she took orders.

But no, he wasn’t able to do that.

His heart ached as he remembered why this café was built – for him to return to, as she hoped he would come back to them. That day when she saw him at the bridge, she told him a truth he would never unhear, as he realized his own selfish wish. He wanted to be free from all the things he had to endure, from all the things he lied to himself just so he could justify his wrongdoing. It was the first time he wanted to die, as his conscience overwhelmed him, as his twisted deeds crept up to him.

Yet she believed he would return. How sad was that – that all he wanted was to be free from all his suffering, that all he wanted was to make sure no one he cared about would end up dead before his eyes – and life couldn’t grant him that freedom but opted instead to make him forget about everything? And yet, she was still there, her eyes hopeful even though they were always a little sad as she waited and waited.

And waited.

In a cruel twist of fate, he did come back. And yet didn’t remember her, he didn’t remember anything about them – not their kindness, not their warmth, not their names. Now he knew why she looked so sad that day when she first saw him again, now he knew why she had that gaze on the very first time that they talked.

He had failed her, he always had. And if she found out about his deeds as Haise Sasaki, it would hurt him to see her hurt or be angry, it would hurt him to see her be anguished as she barged into Cochlea’s doorstep to save Hinami. No, he had to be the one to do so, had to be the one to atone. He did not want her to get hurt, did not want her to suffer any more than she already had.

“You haven’t visited here for some time,” a curious voice, tainted with a bit of sadness and hope suddenly spoke softly in the distance. “Are you waiting for the café to open?”

He turned around in surprise, his mind barely registering the thought that he would see her this early. She was wearing some casual clothes, one hand holding a plastic of what looked like groceries or something as she walked towards him. His heart skipped a beat, perplexed that life once again wouldn’t let him go without being submerged further into the depth of his despair.

He gave her an awkward smile and scratched the back of his head. “N-no, I was just passing by and it just happened that the café was close and I was hit with nostalgia.” He hoped she wouldn’t see through his lie.

“Is that so? Would you like a coffee then before you go?” Her eyes were a bit hopeful that it pained him to say no, but he knew he needed to get away before he lost his conviction.

“I’m afraid I’ll have to go soon; my partner would be mad at me if I keep him waiting.”

How he wished he could tell her that he remembered, that he still cared for her. How he wished he could tell her that he was still here, that all he wanted was for her to be safe and happy. How he wished he could ask for her forgiveness, for leaving her and causing her pain. Life was twisted, he knew, and yet on the back of his mind he still wanted to experience being close to her once more. He knew he could never do that now.

“Oh, that’s sad,” her eyes were a little downcast, but Touka gave him a smile as she inched a little closer that they were now standing in front of each other. “I hope you pass by soon on your day off.”

“I’ll try,” he muttered, touching his chin. He wished he could, but he didn’t belong here anymore.

The manager’s eyes widened a bit and she sighed, walking towards him. She gently stroked the hair that covered a part of his face away and beamed. The action stunned him that he was so still because of the touch. “You’ve dyed your hair.”

Those words, her actions – it was as if she could feel his pain, his suffering. The gesture was simple, yet it was as intimate as it gave him comfort that he needed, wanted. It was only her who could do this, through simple and clear-cut actions that lasted only for a few seconds, but had the ability to render him speechless.

“I’ll be waiting then.”

When he smiled and nodded, it was her indication that he would be alright. She moved past him and started walking back towards the café.

“Manager,” he shouted, gathering his wits. This was the only time he could do this, the only time he would be able to.

She turned around to meet his gaze, her piercing dark blue eyes gazing into his soul. “Thank you.”

It was his only chance, his only mean to say goodbye. He hoped it would reach her, hoped that she would be able to see the sincerity and feelings hidden behind those two words.

As he thought, he could never say goodbye after all.

There was something different about him, that day she stumbled upon his forlorn face as he looked at the café. It felt like he had resigned to his fate, that the world had abandoned him once more. It was eerily similar to the Kaneki she had known after his time in Aogiri, the Kaneki that had lost his soul.

And yet, as he thanked her, his tone had an underlying tone of defeat. There was this cloud of isolation, a darkness that wrapped his form. She remembered all the times she couldn’t save him, that time that she wasn’t there for him while he suffered by himself. Touka didn’t want it to be repeated, didn’t want to lose him again. So she reached out, hoping against all hope that he would listen and fully come back to them this time.

She couldn’t fail.

“Kaneki,” she shouted, startling him. He twitched at the sound of her voice, he would have thought they would be gone by now. His heart skipped a beat and he turned slowly, avoiding her eyes at first – if he looked at her now, all his resolve would crumble.

But she didn’t do as much as move that he had no choice but to face her.

She gave him a smile, a smile that was a little troubled but hoped, a smile of one who still believed in him. “See you later.”

There was no hate, no sound of resentment – it was just hopeful.

Then, he remembered –

The way she saved him, the way she believed he would find his way, the way she comforted him in his dreams.

The way she touched him, the way she smiled at him and the way she gently fixed his hair to comfort him as she smiled solemnly.

His heart thundered in his chest, stomach feeling it had molten lava on its pit. How could he possibly fail her now and break her heart?

“You’re a cruel one, Touka.”

And just as she did countless of times after they first met, she lit up a small fire of hope.

Live.

Let me know who was your favorite Kaneki and if you enjoyed this piece. Part II will be posted sometime next week and it continues the Kenference. I also wanted to say how embarrassing it was to write Haise puns. 😅

#tokyo ghoul #touken #kaneki ken #haise sasaki #tokyo ghoul:re #tg fanfic #shar.writes #i had an existential crisis writing reaper #it hurt too much writing these two angsty duo #i was in a just kiss already mood damn it

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xellzios · 7 years

Text

Dreich

adjective \ ˈdrēḵ \ of weather; gloomy, damp, dark, grey, lacking light.

Disclaimer: Angst, bask into a long piece of post-146 angst made by me and my good friend, @harleyquilt. I hope you know how much I enjoyed writing this with you.

Words: 11,713 (yes, really and not kidding)

Rating: T for tears

PREVIEW:

Did he do all of this?

It did not matter what she physically felt, because even if she bore the pain from the wounds of the battle that had transpired, even if she could feel the restlessness that threatened to break her tired bones – nothing could prepare her from the heartbreak. Someone had shattered her heart completely into pieces as if it was the easiest thing to do, and it only required hearing the devastating wail of a creature her husband had become.

“Touka,” Nishiki held her arm back before she could take a step. She didn’t even turn to face him. “You should realize, that thing isn’t Ken anymore.”

The stench.

This putrid stench of blood. It was overwhelming, wave after wave of rotten flesh drowned out Touka’s senses and she saw nothing but the crumbles of the city she once she knew well. It was replaced with the endless, unrecognizable corpses of people - be it men, women and children. She felt the bile crawl up her throat at the sight of rotting corpses and tried to steadily take heavy steps towards the loud commotion in the distance.

Did he do all of this?

“Touka,” Nishiki held her arm back before she could take a step. She didn’t even turn to face him. “You should realize, that thing isn’t Ken anymore.”

The sound of his voice was desolate, as if he himself did not want to believe in what he was seeing. But his words passed through her meaninglessly. Of course, she already knew that. Still, hearing the words brought a pang of sadness in her heart - as if molten lava sauntered into her stomach and settled there.

Thing.

What was once her beloved husband was now a beast that rampaged the city that was at one point, their home. She couldn’t help but feel responsible for his actions, she helped cause this, she thought. If only she had guided Ken into the right path, she could have saved him. If only she did not influence his decisions, then maybe, maybe this wouldn’t have happened to them. If only, if only he did not have her to take care of, maybe he would have been better as a leader. There were so many things running in her mind that shattered her more as she realized the brevity of the situation.

His howl was of such fierce grief that it had overpowered everything. There was nothing else left in the 24th ward now anyway, nothing but the world of ruin and chaos that the creature had brought out by its birth. When she first saw the shining scales of a huge kagune, all she could think of was the dread that she felt in her heart.

And when she first saw him, nothing could ever, ever prepare her from the anguish that dropped into her being as the blinding red haze of fury overshadowed Tokyo.

She had failed him. She had tried her best, she was sure, but it was simply out of her grasp. What was one person against a thousand of enemies that stood in front of them? She wished she could turn back time, run away and never look back, maybe she could have saved everyone, maybe she could have prevented these senseless deaths. Maybe, maybe.

She pulled her arm away from Nishiki with her jaw clenched and teeth gritted, turning to face him and the small crowd of followers behind him. He looked so tired – his hair was disheveled and scattered all around his face, his glasses were askew. And the people, oh god the people, they all looked defeated – with the undeniable sorrow and hopelessness planted on their faces. Tsukiyama’s face was unreadable as he stared at the cold ground and Banjou looked like he wanted to wake up from a nightmare. ‘What will be left of any of us once this is over?’ she wondered sadly.

In the end, she felt like everyone radiated the same thoughts over this mess – how could it have gone so wrong? Everything felt so hopeless.

Was this what awaited her after everything she had been through? Would all the efforts, all the lives that were lost today amount to nothing? It felt like a never-ending nightmare. Her heart ached, heavy and bleeding, as she thought of all the people she had left behind just to ensure the survival of people whom she wanted to protect.

It pained her to know if all of their efforts and sacrifices would go in vain. She knew in her heart that if she only realized this would be the end, then she would have fought side by side with them until the very last breath.

Touka wavered in her step and rested a hand on her stomach. Their child – would they be forced to live in a world in this world of darkness? Would this kid need to live without knowing who their father was and what he meant to her? To anyone? Would her baby even be allowed to live at this point? That single thought brought back tears that threatened to fall upon imagining such a world, a fear that continued to consume her and made her stomach churn with the bitterness and resentment towards the world.

They haven’t even chosen a name yet.

“Touka-chan,” Ken huffed as he took his hand away from her stomach. “Is there something wrong with the names that I suggested?”

She flicked his forehead and rolled over on their shared bed and felt Ken wrap his arm around her again, nuzzling his face in the crook of her neck. He was a mix of curiosity and disappointment, waiting for an answer.

“What’s wrong with my names?” Touka protested, but continued to lean into his touch. “They’re unique.”

“Well…” Ken sighed against her and felt her shiver besides him. “I guess we can talk about that later.”

They remained like that for a while, with Ken rubbing small circles against Touka’s stomach. The look on his face betrayed such warmth and tenderness that it made her feel happy. It was silly, she thought, but when you live in a world of uncertainty and death, even these little gestures were some kind of approval. His lips pressed against the crown of her head as she felt his heart thudding against her back. It was such a nice sensation, to physically feel the indication of his life. If only they could stay this way for as long as they could, she would not want to let go. But she knew that soon enough, he would have to leave again. And she, once left alone, would be left cold in the suddenly large and empty bed. She would wait for his return, the fear of losing him again creeping in her heart, like a shadow she could never get rid of. Her mind would be littered with the idea of him never returning, of never knowing what would happen, the fear that anyone could burst into her room and announce his death. That thought alone could keep her awake and nauseous.

For now, she had to shake her own worrisome thoughts as she laced her fingers through Ken’s, gripping them tighter. She hoped ignorantly that he wouldn’t leave her, as long as they remained this way. That’s all she wanted at the end of day – for her husband to be by her side as they talked about a life they both wanted to live for.

And yet,

“Kaneki.” She turned her head slightly to face him. “Do you really believe we can achieve a future for us?” Her hand then rested on top of his, silently asking for an answer to ease her worries. “For this child?” Her uncertainty leaked through her voice as her eyes looked at his, begging for hope. She wished he would have answers, wished that she would be given reassurance to qualm her fears.

There was a pause and Ken’s hand seemed to have stopped moving, his eyes thoughtful. He then leaned up and looked down to Touka’s worried expression with a bright, gentle smile, his hand moving to brush back her hair as he kissed her forehead.

“Yes.” He said confidently, moving his lips down and kissing the tip of her nose. “I mean, I know it seems stupid to hope for as much considering the circumstances and such, but as long as we keep fighting, there’s hope that we will achieve the future we desire. It’ll just take some time.”

He then moved lower and pressed his lips against hers, pulling back to watch Touka break into a smile, her hand caressing his cheek. There was a sense of relief that flooded through her when she heard him speak those words, to hear his unwavering voice and watch his eyes remain on hers. She knew it was merely wishful thinking, but she clung onto them, as if they were her hope in itself. Because she believed him, she always did.

But they weren’t the truth.

Why couldn’t it have stayed like that?

All that hope seemed to have shattered almost instantly – their dreams, their aspirations. They all smashed into meaningless shards of broken promises and forgotten words. She almost felt stupid for thinking that such things would be possible to achieve on this cruel world they stood on. If this was their fate, then she would never again be able to feel herself in his arms, to hear his sweet nothings whispered in her ear at night, to watch him light up at the mere mention of the child. She would lose all of that, and it scared her.

Touka forced herself away from her thoughts as she faced the cold reality of the situation. She tenderly caressed her stomach, in a silent promise that she would fight, that she would continue fighting – even if it was hopeless. Because she still wanted to believe that there was a future waiting for them. And as she raised her head to face Nishiki, she gave him a look of determination that couldn’t be squelched. She refused to accept any of this, to accept that Ken was gone and out of reach. If he had drifted too far, she would force him back down, regardless of how the others would protest. Because somewhere inside this monster lied the kind and gentle man she had always loved. Besides, they promised a better future, didn’t they?

“It’s still him.” Touka said stubbornly, turning her gaze back to the commotion occurring deeper into the city. The screams made her wince and it was now that she felt how heavy her clothes were, still damp with blood. “It’s still –”

“You don’t need to go.” Yomo appeared besides her, his hand settling on her shoulder, in a silent but reassuring gesture. He was wounded and was barely able to stand, yet he found his way to her. His voice was raspy and strained, almost as if he was pleading her to not move forward.

“If I don’t,” Touka said quietly, “then nothing will change. I have to at least try.”

With that said, she started to head onwards, Yomo’s hand falling back down to his side as he watched Touka walk on without any hesitation or doubt. However, it wasn’t long before he followed on behind, along with Nishiki, Tsukiyama and eventually, everyone else.

She would save him, she would bring him back.

II.

His pudgy little hands held an old book, marveling at its touch. He inhaled the musty scent, his thoughts pervaded by the mixture of wood and the earth. For one so old, the black shiny leather looked well-kept and was surprisingly smooth, as if it had been loved dearly. As soon as he opened the page, the familiar feel of the paper sent warmth to his heart, drowning everything but the gift his father had left him.

His smile grew at the thought that he finally finished reading it, his happiness palpable as he hugged the object close to his heart. He couldn’t wait for his mom to get back from work, then he would like to show her his latest accomplishment!

He thought of what he should tell her. Maybe he should start by showing him his test results, she would like that, wouldn’t she? He got a perfect grade again in Mathematics and History, and the teacher had praised him for being such a bright kid. She would be happy with that this time, right?

He’ll make her smile this time, right?

As if on cue, the door creaked open as light streamed from outside his room. He sensed familiar footsteps going in, as well as a thud from shoes being removed. Ken was hesitant to go out, holding on firmly to the book as he hid inside the room. His mind was racing with the thoughts of what he wanted to say that would make his mother smile and look at him, but at the same time, he was anxious that she would just once again ignore him.

Slowly, tentatively, as his mother walked towards the kitchen, his feet followed her. He wanted to make his presence known, but not to the point that he would anger her – she probably knew he was peeking at her anyway, as she sent the groceries into the fridge. When she turned to face him, he instinctively took a step backward, hands trembling at the thought that she did not want him here.

His mother continued eyeing him suspiciously, unaware of the fact that it was scaring the boy. With a deep sigh, she pulled out a small carton in the fridge and threw it at his way. “Here,” she muttered.

Ken barely caught it, the feel of the cold packet of milk landing on his tiny palm. “Thank you, mom.”

Silence. It was deafening, and it terrified him.

“M-mom?” He hated it when he stuttered, yet he gave her a nervous smile. His mother stayed silent, her eyes looking at him judgingly. Ken didn’t know how to read her face, hands still shaking as he gathered strength from his father’s beloved treasure. “I – I did well in school today,” he stated, trying to spark a conversation as he set his eyes on the cold stone marble. He tried to remember what his teacher told him, an anxious chuckle escaping from his lips. “I got a perfect score in Math and History.”

Before he could even continue, his eyes went wide as her shadow grew near. He could already feel the tears streaming down his trembling face.

‘Where am I?’ he thought, exhausted. He felt like he was floating, his memories seemingly fleeting into his consciousness as he tried to figure out what was happening. He remembered his mother beating him for trying to spark a conversation, of the sadness he had felt when he escaped back into a corner of his room – crying his heart out, hugging himself close. He could still feel the pain as he remembered the heated beatings that pulsated against his skin and his mother’s cruel words that echoed in his hazed mind. But a gentle voice suddenly called out to him and he woke up, confused.

Ken’s cognizance felt like it was tainted as a dull, steel gray. It was almost as if a low-hanging, polluted mist permeated inside it, the tendrils of the said poison snaking to every facet of his mind. He opened his eyes through the darkness that embraced him, heart pounding. He could feel the sweat in his brow, as well as the ringing in his ears.

‘Huh?’ At first, all he could see was darkness. He felt like his senses had been diluted, as if a mist covered his eyes. He couldn’t make out where he was, he felt like he was trapped somewhere – in between being held onto something he couldn’t quite comprehend and being suspended in air.

Soon enough, the fog started clearing. His mouth prickled with the metallic taste of blood and his nose inhaled the smell of rotting flesh in the humid air. He felt a low rumbling from where he was, yet his lungs constricted as panic started to set in. Bile rose from his throat as his vision took him into a view of a city. And whatever he was in, it was moving quite fast as it went from building to building.

He felt it clashing through stone walls and broke through windows as they shattered into nothing more than small shards. He felt its every movement against his very skin. Yet, wherever he was, he couldn’t do so much as move inside it or control a muscle as he laid like an onlooker to the destruction it caused.

He tried to remember where he was before he got here. And then, as if the merciless grief had taken his soul, he felt his heart cry and a deafening roar permeated from the creature and filled the place with a tremor so strong it could be mistaken for an earthquake.

He remembered losing – the feeling of helplessness flooding his senses as Furuta taunted him of how weak and insignificant he was. He remembered the grief he felt as he saw the heads of two boys he cared for, and the feeling of despair that threatened to overtake him when Furuta whispered that his wife was in danger. The last thing he remembered was feasting on the revolting flesh of the Oggai, and then he blacked out.

His wife.

‘Where is she?’ he wondered in his daze-like state, looking around. He couldn’t shake the feeling of dread arising from his stomach at the thought of him hurting her. He recalled his desperation, his fear, as he tried to find her. He chastised himself for being useless and weak once again, of failing the people he loved once more.

Was it his fate to see them die? His head hurt from trying to make sense of what was happening, but he now knew. His suspicions, his worst fears, they came back to haunt him as he came with the shocking realization.

Oh god, oh god, oh god. This creature, this monster – it was him

III.

A deafening roar reverberated through the skies as he tried to let go all of his emotions, in an attempt to gain control once more. His heart cried as the truth reared its ugly head to him, slapping him awake. It felt like a knee to his gut, or waking up to the sound of his bones breaking – as he realized what he had become.

It disgusted him to see himself like this – conscious but helpless, like a child who was forced to watch a brutal scene out of a movie. He bellowed and flailed, but it was to no avail. The creature’s response was that of a thundering growl, a menacing figure sent by the heavens to finally destroy everything.

Was this the end then, for him?

It felt so sickening to know that this was where everything would lead. That in the end, he was just a hopeless puppet to a world of blood and death. Was this the future he wanted to bring? He knew he had no choice, knew that it was his fault how he became like this, as he accepted the only way he could at least salvage what remained of the people he wanted to protect. He knew that if he didn’t do it, his loved ones would be killed either way.

From the moment he realized what he wanted to do, he had acknowledged the fact that it would forever change him and his life. Still, it didn’t dampen the wish he held in his heart – deep inside, he just hoped for them to be able to live in peace, to be able to smile again and laugh without having to think of death or how they needed to fight to live another day.

He had failed them.

Should he succumb to his fate? To accept that he would never see Touka once again? But that’s why he did this, right? Because he wanted to see her again, to at least have a small glimmer of hope upon knowing she was safe. Yet he could feel death looming in the corner, as if embracing him so that he wouldn’t escape.

He laid there, prone and immobile, as the creature moved to destroy everything that was threatening to hurt it. Funny enough, he couldn’t even feel any of their missiles or bombs, not even a tickle. He observed how his kakuja would move from structure to structure, as if in a loss of where to go, or maybe because it was moving on instinct alone.

A gun fired his way again, but unlike all others, for the first time he felt the cold, unrelenting sensation of the metal against his body as it pierced him. He couldn’t help but yelp at the contact, sending the monster into a frenzy of yowls as he tried to located the source of his pain.

It was in this blurred turmoil that from the corner of his eyes, he saw them. His heart stopped.

He could see Hinami’s form looking at the ground, her hands balled into fists. There was even Tsukiyama, Banjou and Nishiki, who looked crestfallen – all of them seemed like they couldn’t even bear looking at the scene. Guns continued to bombard him, causing his body to scream at the contact. Whatever they were using now, they were built to destroy him, kill him. The pain blurred his vision, numbing his senses that he almost lost them.

Was he to die here then? Would he be denied of the chance to see her, if he were to die from this?

A woman’s distressed scream brought him back as he recognized the voice. He would recognize it anywhere, so he willed himself to searched for the source. Ayato was holding Touka back as she shouted and flailed. She was crying, from the way her eyes looked bloodshot along with the expression of horror on her face. It broke his heart to see her like this, and yet he could do nothing. How he wished he could even hold her and tell her that it would be alright, to erase the sadness in her eyes.

But he brought this, and he had no choice but to pay for it.

The kakuja continued to destroy everything in its path because of its endless rage, snapping him back into the realization that he held no control of its actions. It had massacred everything that caused its trouble, moving as fast as it could to eliminate them. Ken knew he had to stop it, knew that it was up to him to help them.

With a sigh, he laughed bitterly at how naïve he was. He had accepted his fate, all he could do now was protect them.

Even if in the end, he would have to protect them from himself.

IV.

It was hopeless, desperate.

Touka watched in horror as the bombs fell onto Ken’s form – the loud, thunderous blasts deafening whilst they continued to barrage Ken with endless attacks. His monstrous kakuja cried out in agony, writhing in pain before he fell with a heavy thud besides Touka, a gust of wind from his fall pushing her back as she struggled to stay in place.

She knew she should run as the humans continued their merciless attacks, but she trudged onwards stubbornly. She had to reach him, whatever happens – she had to save him. She wouldn’t allow him to fall here. Her arm reached out desperately with a silent cry for her husband. However, with another wave of attacks, Touka was blown back, skidding across the hard ground as her mind blurred and her ears rang loudly.

It was hopeless.

She could feel her beating heart thundering in her ears. Shaking, she pushed herself up and narrowed her eyes to try and clear her vision. Ken’s many eyes were set on Touka – she could feel the desperation written in the action, as well as the determination to stand and move just to reach her. With a loud, aching groan, he dragged his wounded and broken form towards her, as every small movement managed to shatter her heart some more – with his desperation, with his will. It was hard to make out, but Touka was certain that between his garbled cries, he was calling out her name.

He was always reaching out for her, always trying to protect her no matter what the circumstances brought. Somehow, it always seemed that she was the reason for his pain, for his continuous suffering that wore him down with each passing day. Ken wanted nothing more than to stay by her side with the reassurance that she was safe and sound. But in the end, she was just another burden in the life tragically altered by people’s selfish wishes. Even now, even if he could run with the little strength he had left, he still continued to move towards her. It was painful to watch; her heart couldn’t stand it anymore. Has she even helped him at all?

Touka pushed herself onto her feet and started to stumble towards Ken, her heart screaming out for him as she neared him. She felt weak, her body already trying to succumb from all the blows that this day brought, and yet she pressed onwards with every strength of her will. To see him in pain crushed her, his painful whimpering unbearable to listen to. And to watch his dark blood spill endlessly down onto the ground below tore her apart – with fear eating away her aggrieved heart. She refused to let him burden himself any further. This time, she’ll be the one to protect him – she needed to.

All of the sudden, Touka was shrouded in darkness as she heard a large explosion above her. Before she quickly grasped the situation, the corner of her eyes saw a monstrous kagune, all beaten and battered and torn apart.

Ken had surrounded her. He protected her. Again.

Touka gasped in shock, the air thick and suffocating as Ken started to crumble around her and pieces of his flesh fell off his mangled body. With her heart slamming against her chest and as her body froze in fear, her wide eyes darted around to see if she could find him – the real Ken. She searched with such a fearful gaze, desperately attempting to claw away everything she could. She felt the surprisingly cold blood dripping down onto her as the disgusting smell filled her nose. But she couldn’t even mind all of it, as the cold feeling of dread swept through her heart.

How she wished, begged even, for this to be some horrid nightmare that she would wake up from. But with every drop of blood that fell onto her pale cheeks, she knew the truth wouldn’t be so kind.

“Kaneki.” She croaked, raising a trembling arm. Her voice felt so tight and raw, even to her ears. “KANEKI! Where are you?”

As if her voice had beckoned him, his body emerged from the heap of flesh, his new form wrapped around his limbs with his head hung low and his eyes shut. As his body lowered into Touka’s reach, she leaned up and caressed his cheek with her hand. His skin was frighteningly cold and deathly pale, but she couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief at the feeling of his warmth beneath her touch. Tears escaped her eyes from the sight, succumbing to all the feelings she had tried to suppress. His eyes fluttered open, a faint smile on his quivering lips as he locked eyes with Touka for the first time. He reached out to her, his warm smile a cold contrast to their surroundings as rested his head against hers.

“You're… alive.” Ken sighed, palpable relief emerging from his weary voice as his eyes fell shut once again.

But just as Touka could even dare breathe again, Ken slumped against her, his body heavy and limp as he passed out.

“K-Ken,” Touka uttered, her voice hushed and strained. “P-please, wake up.”

She shook him gently as the flesh wrapped around his limbs pulled away and left his stiff, deadweight body leaning against her. Her mind started to race as her knees buckled beneath her. She fell onto them with Ken still in her arms. She was unable to accept the bitter truth – he wasn’t dead, right? He was just wounded and tired. He was still here, right?

Right?

Touka lifted his head, but his eyes remained closed and his lips slightly parted. She sobbed his name out of desperation, her voice growing louder with every touch as her hands gently cupped his face. He looked so peaceful.

“P-please, no. Please,” Touka whimpered whilst she held his body close to her chest and rocked back and forth. “Y-You can’t leave me yet, not yet. Don’t do this to me.”

She had wanted to knock on death’s door, to pray and beg any god, anyone at all – to not take another loved one from her. She couldn’t, she really couldn’t be forced to live seeing more of their glassy eyes as they succumbed to the netherworld. It was too much, too cruel, for life to do this.

The dragon’s form continued to strip away and the investigators started to edge near the scene, but Touka couldn’t care less. All she could do was keep Ken close, to keep him by her side as death made its way towards her. ‘Perhaps,’ she thought, holding onto her husband, but at the same time, caressing her stomach, ‘it wouldn’t be so bad. At least then, only then, I would be able to see him again. I just want to see his smile again.’

Perhaps, in another life, the world wouldn’t be so cruel and they would be able to live. To live. Do mundane things – laugh around with people they love, hold hands, start a family. Perhaps, in the next life, she would still be his, but life would be kinder. Perhaps.

Some distance away, she heard the humans bark orders at her, but their words were blurred and meaningless. Her surrounding was dim and lifeless, her attention only focused on Ken and Ken alone. Even now, it almost seemed like he was smiling, his relief written all over serenely.

It was all worthless though – all her purpose, her hopes and dreams, drained away into a void of despair. She wanted to desperately attempt to call out and scream, because all that she asked for was for Ken to open those beautiful, grey eyes of his. What use was her survival if he wasn’t there to be with her? What was the use of their lives? She felt bitter, they only wanted to leave, tried desperately to survive – and yet the world couldn’t even grant that wish.

She said she would protect him, her own thoughts repeating the cycle cruelly in her mind. She promised. What happened to that promise?

But if she were to die now, then what did Ken die for?

With her mind confused and conflicted, her grief and sorrow mixed with the forlorn truth, she looked down onto Ken’s face and thought for a moment on what he would’ve wanted. She failed. She couldn’t protect him. Everything that happened was because of her again. But if she were to die now, she would only be failing him once more.

And then there was their child. It was probably still smaller than her own palm, and yet to take away such a valuable life out of her own selfishness and grief would be too cruel. This child, the symbol of their love and hope, deserved the world as much as they did. Ken protected this life, he wanted and even desperately tried to make sure they would both live.

To die would only be tossing back the favor that he paid the terrible price for. She wouldn’t be so cruel, even if it broke her heart to do so.

No, she must move forward. For him. For their child. She had to shove back her own selfish desires and push onwards. That’s what she’s being doing all this time, right?

She rested Ken’s body gently onto the blood-soaked ground and got onto her shaking feet, her majestic kagune emerging from her throbbing shoulders. The surroundings lit up with the bright colors of red, purple and orange dancing from her blazing ukaku. Touka lowered her body as she shot projectiles towards the investigators that tried to surround her, she wouldn’t allow them near her or him. They wouldn’t take him away from her.

However, even with a simple attack, her body was already drained of all her energy and she slouched over, her kagune starting to simmer as her gaze drifted back to her sleeping husband. She reached out to him but gunfire soon erupted and she felt a sudden shock as a bullet passed through her arm. With a weak cry, she leaped away, but before she could shield herself, another bullet pierced her thigh. She fell against one of the smashed cars, feeling the deep throbbing pain from both her wounds, as she slid down onto the ground. They must be thinking that he was the one doing this, as the shadow of the kakuja penetrated every corner, every wall.

Along with her pain, Touka couldn’t help but feel her guilt begin to swell, leaning her head back as she looked up onto the clear night sky. Was this the end? Was this how she was going to die? She wasn’t even strong enough at this point to even escape should they try to fire aimlessly again.

Everything, all of this, was so useless. Meaningless.

Still, even now, she looked back at Ken and started to limp towards him. If she could just feel his presence in her last moments, she could at least feel some comfort in her death, even if it hurt her so much.

“I’m sorry,” she choked out, her hand moving back to her aching stomach. “I’m so sorry. I couldn’t do anything in the end.”

The gunfire continued and Touka managed to force out her kagune enough to block the attacks. Lightning sizzled around her as she gritted her teeth. There was sharp, shooting pain as the bullets pulsated through her limbs, but she managed to drag herself to Ken and fell down to his side. She held onto his hand and whispered his name, spouting her apologies into his ears.

It was hopeless. She wanted no more of this, just desperate for this farce to come to an end.

A weak graze touched her skin and she couldn’t even believe it, as her heart welled. But there was another, and another, the movement getting strong with every attempt until Ken managed to weakly squeeze her hand in return.

Touka’s eyes opened wide at his actions, but as she raised her face, she saw nothing but the standing bodies of the humans surrounding her.

The smell of death towered over them, rearing his ugly head. ‘Where was everyone?’ she thought. Why could they not stop this?

A man asked her to step back, as they raised their guns for the final shot. But Touka screamed, her voice scorching through the night. She couldn’t even hear their response as her senses started to blur, but she did hear a gun shoot.

Ken pushed Touka down as he wrapped her body over his. Before she could even do so much as protest, a few, loud gunshots continued to ring in her ears, Ken taking in every last one. His body spasmed violently with every wound he took but he shielded Touka, her eyes locked onto his face with sheer terror and shock.

At first, she was too stunned to comprehend what had just happened before Ken released his own kagune and pierced it through every investigator around them until no more gunshots were heard. However, the damage was done. Crimson red bathed him, and he let out a rough cough as the warmth of his blood splattered across Touka’s face.

Regardless, once Ken lifted his head and opened his tired, sunken eyes, he let out a bright smile. The arms that he leaned on around Touka’s head shaking as he struggled to hold himself up. Touka struggled to breathe, her hand hesitantly moving up towards his face. She couldn’t even do so much as move – her eyes were wide with fear, her hands trembling as the shock ate her.

“I really thought I wouldn’t have made it in time just then.” Ken laughed nervously. “You scared me.” He coughed some more as blood spluttered all over his lips, and he lowered his head to Touka’s neck. She could feel his strength leaving him. She flinched at the sound of him hacking, shutting her eyes momentarily to pray for this to be some kind of cruel joke. “Why did you come back?”

“Ken.” She whispered and she couldn’t hold herself back any more before she wrapped her arms around him, crying out pathetic sobs as the feeling of his blood soaked her body. “You idiot. You fucking idiot. P-Please – I can’t –”

“Touka-chan,” he sighed, his voice now quiet, his body slumped against hers. He brushed his shaking fingers through her damp hair, planting a kiss against the crown of her head. “It’s going be to be fine,” he mumbled, trying to desperately reassure her, “I’m here. I’ll always be here.”

“I can’t do this without you.” She howled with grief. His movements and breathing began to slow as another violent hack pierced through the air. This was all wrong, everything about it was wrong. This couldn’t be.

“You said all you needed was me, but the truth is, it was me who needs you the most. It hurts me so much, seeing you leave all the time,” she cried. “Please, I can’t bear this. Please.”

“Shh, Touka.” Ken lifted his head weakly, his sorrowful smile remaining on his dried lips. “You’re the strongest woman I know. It seems cruel of me, but can you promise me to keep living?” he winced as he held back his coughs. “You will make a good mother.”

How he wished he could see that time, to partake on that said event. He wanted nothing but to desperately live a life not shrouded by death. And yet, it was all life gave him it seemed. Warm tears ran down his cheeks as he realized that it would never come true, that he would never be by her side again – to see their child, to grow old with her and hold her in his arms.

Touka felt all of his feelings – all the regret, all the silent cries of wanting to live. She felt the overwhelming urge to refuse his words, to scream, to shout, to cry that there would be no point – but instead, she chose to listen. It was too late, after all. So instead, she looked up with admiration on his beautiful face, drinking in his every feature as she tried so hard to engrave him on her mind.

“Can you promise me that, Touka-chan?” He asked, his voice hopeful yet strained. She nodded weakly, pulling him back into a tight embrace as she felt his strength slowly begin to diminish. “I’m glad.” She felt him smile against her neck. “I’m glad I met you all those years ago.”

“Me too.” She sobbed, her hold on him tightening.

“That, makes me happy.” Ken pressed himself closely and bent his head to whisper into her ear. She felt like she could laugh at what he did amidst this horrible mess, but she remained silent, nodding slightly. He then grew still and just when Touka was about to call his name, his whisper laid gently in her ears, “I love you.” It was his last breath.

“I love you too.” She had to say it, even though she knew he was already gone.

“Touka-chan?” he muttered, turning around to see if she was there. They were walking silently by the shore, looking around as the waves created a slow, steady rhythm. It created a sense of calm, with the breeze cool against their skins and the sun shined brightly in the horizon. They could see some people also enjoying the scenery, gathered with some friends or loved ones with smiles in their faces.

Touka walked to him and he took her hand, his smile warm and gentle. She couldn’t help but blush at the gesture, the butterflies in her stomach dancing fervently at his touch. Both of them continued walking, comfortable with the silence.

Ken stopped and looked at her, his expression serene as his hair danced with the calm gust of the saltwater air. This had been the most peaceful she had seen him in a very long time. It was as if he was back to those peaceful days in Anteiku, where most of their concerns rested with maintaining the normalcy of their lives. He removed his sandals as they neared the gentle waves. “Our experience won’t be complete if we don’t walk barefooted on the sand, you know?” he told her. The tranquility of his place and of the scene mesmerized her, as if it was taken straight from a dream.

Almost automatically, she mimicked him and he fetched her slippers, holding them with his free hand as he sprinted back into the spot where they left their things. Touka could feel the rough texture of white sand against her feet, and was surprised when the cold water bit her skin. She instinctively took a step back and would have lost her balance if Ken hadn’t caught her arm as he returned to her side. He chuckled at her reaction, his face so bright and childlike that it made her cheeks flush. And when he led her closer to the water again, just enough that the water struggled to touch their ankles, she felt very pleased.

It was as if they were a normal couple, for once.

She waddled deeper, looking at the small fishes that lay visible in the clear blue water until she spotted a small black blob. “It’s a jellyfish! Look!”

“Touka-chan, try to be careful,” Ken beamed, bending down to watch as the tiny creature floated against the current. “If you get too close you might get stung.”

“Right,” she pouted, looking at the water. She saw him wade a bit further, crouching down as something met his eye. Curious, she sauntered towards him as he picked up something near the bottom of the sea and showed it to her.

“Look, I found a seashell,” he said brightly, placing the perfectly shaped clam-shell for her to examine. The sandy clear color stood out as the sun reflected it, with its curved lines running smoothly into her hand. She felt amazed and mesmerized, to be able to enjoy these mundane things. It was as if the world has turned upside down, and yet she didn’t mind it at all as she surrendered herself into its palm.

They spent the good part of their time crouched and partly kneeling in the sand as the currents brushed against them. Touka felt like a spoiled child by enjoying an afternoon on the beach with no one but Ken. She couldn’t help but feel happy whenever she saw his relaxed face. Somehow, she felt like he was his age – not someone who was thrusted with all the worries of the world. From time to time they would stand up and eagerly share the treasures they had uncovered from the sand, smiling and laughing.

At some point, Ken used his time to get creative as he started packing lumps of sand together near the shore. Touka, who was just content looking at his handy work, observed him, appreciating the small details he had put in his project. Sometimes, he would ask her if she wasn’t bored just looking at what he was doing. On other times, he’d invite her but she would refuse, contented with just helping him get more sand.

There were several pillars and cylinders made of sand in one huge lump – like a castle, she realized. It was already late afternoon when he finished, clapping his hand to remove the dirt that got stuck. She couldn’t help but smile when she glanced at his direction, grazing his face gently as she attempted to remove the dirt in his cheeks.

“So how do you find my piece of art?” he asked tentatively, feeling insecure.

Touka tried to keep a straight face at his expression, holding on a chuckle as she poked her hand on one of its pillars “It’s interesting.”

He shot her a glance and pursed his lips, trying his hardest not to smile. “I tried,” he muttered, pouting.

“Your castle amazes me, my king,” she teased, nudging his rib. Ken winced, scratching the back of his head as he laughed nervously.

“I built it for you,” he turned to it timidly, cheeks warm as he crouched and attempted to fix parts of it that were withering away. Suddenly, his gaze turned somber as the waves finally picked up their strength, washing away parts of the sand slowly.

As time passed, Touka could only watch helplessly as the sand started to crumble apart, the sea leaving nothing on its onslaught, wiping away everything. It felt like a hollow, twisted scene, like the world had reverted back to what it was. She wanted to stop it, and yet she couldn’t even move as she felt her heart beating faster.

And when she turned to him, Ken stood up and smiled sadly at her, the sorrow apparent in his features. “I’m sorry I could only give you a sandcastle.”

She could feel the warmth of her tears as she tried to hold onto the dream, curling like a ball to ease the ache in her heart. How many days had passed? Weeks? Months? She couldn’t even decipher, refusing to even leave her room as the void she felt in her heart became palpable yet again.

Her hand held the small bunny keychain firmly, afraid that it too might disappear should she choose to let it go for a second. She felt pitiful for clinging into a small plastic figure just to feel that he was real, that once upon a time, he existed. It was as if the world had erased every part of him – his identity, his name, his story. And she couldn’t help but feel the grief creeping into her bones whenever she thought about it.

‘Why?’ she asked, her question directed to none. She put the small gift near her face, as if it was enough to bring back a part of him. Her eyes were swollen and puffy, her throat felt dry and raw. And her hands, they trembled as she placed them near her heart. If only she had tried to stop him, if only she had been strong enough to protect him – then maybe things wouldn’t be this way. She wished she had told him how much she loved him, wished she had spent more of their waking days together. If she knew this was what fate had in store for the both of them, then she would’ve held him close, cherished every touch, every feel, every moment.

But all was lost, was it not? He’s gone.

As she stood up, she didn’t know what she expected to happen next. Perhaps she could just stay here, because whenever she tried to even stand up, she would just slump back down against the door and sob helplessly.

And yet, in a moment of trance, she found herself walking – out of the door, out of her house – in her disheveled hair and hooded jacket.

Touka walked into the road, aimlessly, helplessly.

She walked past the ruins of a building, barely looking at the damage it had suffered. She recognized a familiar way and stopped by the alley as felt the air of nostalgia tiptoe on her lungs. This was where she first really talked to him, she realized. She could still remember the look of disgust on his face, as a sad smile crept on hers. It was hilarious really, because she never thought she would even get close to someone like him.

Touka walked along the rough, cobbled street and leaned to touch the wall, as the darkness hid the small vivid details from her view. It was cold and felt so empty, she thought, just like her heart. She could still imagine how frightened he was then. If only she knew what had awaited both of them, then maybe she should have been kinder and helped him. Her heart whimpered, just like herself, and she had to stop before it became unbearable. With a sigh, she turned her back to it with what energy she had left, dragging her feet as she thought about how much he had changed since that day.

She moved without direction, allowing her feet to carve her way as she hugged herself. She could see her tired, aching limbs as she walked, albeit blurry. Had it already been too long since then? How she wished she could turn back the time – back to when she had a place where she belonged. She couldn’t help but reminisce about the time that he could still laugh freely with them, with his gentle face finding a sense of peace even when he was thrusted into a world that only contained blood and death. He was so skinny then, and so weak, she thought. And yet his warmth and kindness always saved them, always enveloped them with love that the world never deserved.

“I’d be sad if you died.” His voice resounded into her being that it sent a jolt of pain to her heart. How ironic it was, she thought. She tried to keep her tears at bay as her hands balled into a fist, stopping from her tracks. ‘You fucking idiot,’ her heart screamed, ‘you promised me, you promised.’

Oh god, it hurt too much. Touka’s tears fell freely, muffled sobs escaping from her lips. It was too much for her to bear, too cruel. She could see him everywhere, remembered him in everything. How was she supposed to live like this? How did he expect her to keep her promise when all she could think of was the day she saw his hollow eyes close for the last time?

She remembered :re, and couldn’t help but feel a small pang in her heart as she realized how long it had been. It was a place she built out of her hope that he would one day, return. Because even when everyone had thought him to be dead, she never stopped believing he would one day find his way back to them, back home. It was bittersweet really, that she got her wish.

But in the blink of an eye, everything she worked for, everything she wished for felt meaningless. He could never return to her again.

She broke into a run, clenching her teeth as she realized how much she hated the world for doing this to her, to him. It was one person she couldn’t allow herself to give up on, the one thing she was scared to lose. She grew up on with the constant reminder that she had no choice but to live while losing things, and yet this loss was someone she couldn’t bear, one thing that she always fought for.

Yet she still lost.

She found herself in a familiar sight. And before she could even realize it, her feet had already dragged her back to the place they once called their home, if only for a bit. It was as if he intentionally led her here – even with the smell of rotting flesh and the endless amount of destruction that littered its halls.

She wandered through it, the pervading air of darkness and gloom filling her presence. As she touched the cold metal bars that had kept them company at night, it made her feel tingly. It wasn’t much, she knew, but at least it kept them safe from the world. And even with the small amount of time given, it was enough to make her feel like everything was alright.

Touka saw his makeshift room, with the walls in the same thick, grey stone with a mean barred opening. It festered with the smell of the cool earthen breeze, the same one that she always remembered. It alleviated her heart a little, to feel his presence here – no matter how faint, untouched by the ravages of war. She walked past the metal bars and in front of the small, tattered bed.

And that’s where she saw it, a small blue box.

She tucked it carefully inside her jacket, her heart refusing to open it in fear that she would break down. She was about to get out when she stumbled upon a black sweater, so she stooped to pick it up.

She held it close to her face, breathing in its fragrance. It smelled so much like him – the scent of leather and citrus, as the feeling of warmth brought by the piece of clothing when Ken held her in his arms overcame her senses. Was it that long ago? Was everything so far back into the past that she couldn’t even remember them much?

In a moment of haze, as she slumped her back onto the cold hard floor, she thought she saw him. It was so eerily familiar, really, as if everything that was happening right at this moment was reality. She wanted to fervently hope that he was really there indeed, looking at her from the bed with gentle eyes. Her heart ached at the sight, for she knew it was a fragment of her imagination, no matter how much she longed it to be true.

Yet she had nothing else to hold onto at the moment but this.

“Why did you have to leave?” she asked. Her voice sounded so broken, her throat still hurt and stiff from crying too much. Ken gave her a sad smile, but he didn’t move from the bed, nor did he say anything as he stared at her.

Her vision felt fuzzy, and yet she wiped them forcefully, not wanting to miss the opportunity to see him like this, to feel his presence. “You don’t know,” she croaked, trying to find the words to describe what she felt. Her lungs constricted at the effort, and she couldn’t breathe properly. “You don’t know how much it hurt to lose you, how hard it was.”

“I do.” Somber, sorrowful.

“I love you.” She hugged herself, arms wrapped tightly around her legs. Touka felt his presence stand up, yet she never could figure out if it was real. Dare she hope? She didn’t know anymore – couldn’t decipher reality from imagination. A sigh escaped from a voice she had memorized so well. Warm hands enveloped her, seeping from her skin to her being. And just when she thought she would never feel like this again, her soul was flooded with feelings.

It made her remember the warmth of his body against hers, the softness of his lips as he kissed her worries away. It made her remember the way he took her hands into his, to gently wrap them around his own as he squeezed them tightly – to reassure her that he was there, that he would always be with her. Their grip would tighten, as if it was the last time they could be together, before he would lean in to capture her lips with his.

It would bring shivers down her spine when he did, and yet the warmth that puddled in the pit of her stomach would ease out and spread like butterflies. He would kiss her – her eyes, her brows, the crown of her head – he would leave his mark in gentle succession, barely touching at times, and yet enough to make her feel the scorching fire flood into her veins. It was there that they would allow each other to be fully honest, as they allowed their actions to express what they truly felt. It was then that she would get lost into his touch – a second, a third, it didn’t matter. For he was there, with her, for her – and everything else pales in comparison. Nothing else mattered.

“I’ll always be with you, Touka.” A whisper, a murmur, a voice she loved so much.

The realization hit her and sent her mind spiraling into oblivion. Her heart felt like it would physically burst at that moment, as she held on dearly to the small piece of clothing as if her life depended on it. It was too much; the pain was too great and raw – as if someone once again shattered her heart and ripped it out of her chest. It filled the entirety of her being with such longing and fierce anguish that death would pale in comparison. This time, she allowed herself to let go, to drown in the intensity of what she had lost, to feel how much it had meant to her after all this time.

‘Ken, you idiot.’

Warmth enveloped her form, as she found herself carried by someone. She felt every step of his movement, she thought. Her consciousness was still too hazy, and yet she felt comfortable with his touch. It felt strong, yet it was also gentle – a familiar presence that at least brought her a form of peace. Her head ached, and she felt so tired. She found herself nuzzling for his warmth, as if it would help with the void in her heart, as if it was enough to help her find a remedy to stop the pain.

She knew she was alive, with the steady breath of her lungs and the beating of her heart. It made her sad, to think that she was still here, and yet she knew she couldn’t fail him - her husband. ‘A life depended on it,’ she thought. Her hands clenched into fists as she remembered, and the figure halted his walk that she had no choice but to face him.

“Aneki,” his husky voice whispered gently, his voice stained with worry and fear.

Touka looked at him and smiled tiredly, reaching out to gently touch his face. How had he grown this tall? How had she missed all of this? She wondered how much more she would miss, how much more life would take away from her. His eyes looked like they were suffering as they met hers, the gentle orbs filled with pain. She couldn’t even find herself to speak, retreating back into the warmth in his chest.

She felt him sigh, and yet he did nothing and continued walking. Touka closed her eyes as she realized that the sweater was wrapped around her, and she nuzzled closer to her brother’s chest. “Let’s get you home.”

VI.

‘Remember your purpose,’ she muttered to herself, as the climax of her pain and frustration intensified.

Of all the times she could remember experiencing pain, she knew in her heart that this topped her list. There was so much at stake here, so much to lose and to gain at the same time. It left her writhing in agony, as red-hot pinnacles climbed steadily.

‘Breathe,’ Touka reminded herself.

Don’t give in, don’t give up. You’re not allowed to.

Don’t.

With an agitated grunt, she gripped Hinami’s hand, a desperate cry escaping her as a contraction passed through. She was thankful for her sister for being her guide, as the worst of the pain subsided. She clinched her eyes shut, taking comfort on Hinami’s whispers. This time, the pain was not a punishment, she thought. It was not a trial the world had purposely left for someone like her. This time, she was reminded of the reason she was alive, and why she kept fighting.

“You’re the strongest woman I know.” She remembered a voice, so gentle, so serene. A face, a smile that hid the most pain. “You will make a good mother.”

After what felt like hours of torturous pain, she slumped back down onto the bed, drenched in sweat as her senses dulled. Tears of pain turned into tears of relief as she remembered the so many months that had passed. This child had become her strength, her reason, her life. The very thought that she would finally be able to hold him in her arms was almost unbelievable to her – a light that shined through their darkness, her and Ken’s hope. She wanted nothing more than to see the beautiful face, touch his small hands and hear his cries as she held it close to her chest. For so long now, she has dreamt of this moment continuously, her heart growing warm at the thought.

After Ayato had found her alone in Ken’s now empty room, everyone had tried their best to help Touka, to make her focus on her future – on her child. In a way, this child was the only one that made her cling through life, as cruel as it may have seemed. It was her child that fueled her to move, to live again – no matter how empty she felt. It was the child that helped her with her grief and sorrow.

And yet, it was also the child that reminded her most of Ken.

It would seem like this was a healthy progression, an improvement even, from what she was only a few months ago. But the others knew better – she was only pushing aside her agony, bottling it up and hiding it away as she pretended everything was fine, when in reality, each and every part of her only screamed to forget.

She remembered him when she saw coffee – of the times she would praise her delicious brew, of the times she taught him how to create his own.

She remembered him in the smell of flowers, old books or even leather, and his scent would haunt her, follow her – as if it was the only thing she could find.

She remembered him when she saw Hinami and Ayato, sometimes even when she saw random children, would remember how he used to read to them and teach them.

It was slowly eating her away. And it was during lonely nights when she would wake up from night terrors, would she scream out for him the most. It was ironic, but also cruel that life reminded her of it – what occurred that day was something she would never, ever be over with – the scar opening fresh wounds with every little smell, gesture, sight, as her own guilt tore her apart. ‘You never really forget,’ she thought.

Regardless, she continued to smile as if nothing had happened at all.

It was horrible to watch and yet, nothing anyone tried to do seemed to have helped. Touka was broken and no matter how hard they tried to piece her back together, she would only crumble apart again before their very eyes.

Again.

And again.

Even through the red haze of pain, Touka wanted nothing more than to see his face, for him to be with her, as her jaw clenched and her hand tightened in Hinami’s. She tried to soothe her agony, dabbing a wet cloth over her head and offering words of encouragement.

“You’re doing great, Onee-chan.” Hinami told her, squeezing her hand. She felt so tired. “Stay strong.”

Touka could almost laugh at such words. Didn’t he call her strong that day? And yet she did nothing more than disappoint him. It was a part of her life where she felt so useless, helpless. But she kept all these thoughts to herself in silent mockery before another contraction went by.

“I’m here.” A familiar voice, a familiar presence whispered faintly into her ear. Tears welled up from her exhausted face, as she looked around in hope. Warmth enveloped her, strengthening her will as she realized the deep meaning behind these words. They spoke of a love that didn’t vanish – bottomless, fathomless love that knew no boundary. For even if life could end, even if she would never see him again, his love did not fade away.

It was in it that she drew strength – strength to wake up, strength to move and strength to go on in her everyday life. Whether she was strong or not did not matter, because it was his presence that still empowered her. In the end, she was willing to go through this painful moment, that seemed so little to her at this point, for her child.

Anything for his hope.

The least she could do was hold onto this last promise, this last wish that he always prayed to come true. Just this once, she hoped that world wouldn’t be cruel enough to take it away again.

‘Breathe,’ she told herself. The contraction was tapering slowly now, and with it, the burning sensation as the tremendous pressure made itself known. She barely had enough strength to grip Hinami’s hand anymore, yet the warmth continued to make her feel that she could do it. She bore down on that warm weigh with everything she had, giving one final push with a loud cry.

She pushed on, just like she always did.

All at once, the pressure was suddenly gone as she fell limply back into the bed. Her vision spun from the effort as she chocked hungrily for air. The movement around her was a blur, and so were the voices.

She was tired, so very tired.

A piercing cry broke through the fog that surrounded her. Blearily, she opened her eyes, wanting so badly to see the child’s face. Her child.

“A boy,” a voice announced, holding up a small, crying baby wrapped in a bundle of blue blankets. The vision felt like a blur to her, and yet she could faintly see the familiar silhouette that wore that same black sweater. He turned to look at her as he held the child in his arms, while his face showed only air of tranquility as he beamed brightly.

Touka let a single tear slip down her cheeks at the sight. It felt like a dream, an illusion, and yet there was only light shining in her heart. Her vision swam as the figure carefully placed him into her open arms. Her son calmed down and stirred, his small, pudgy hands reaching out to her as he pinched the air.

He was so beautiful.

Her baby was flushed with a vibrant pink color, and had the softest, black hair that Touka ever touched. She felt like she had never seen someone as perfect and as beautiful in her life until she saw her child. Joyful tears stream down her cheeks, her eyes locked onto his face as she drowned in his every feature. She stroked his cheek softly and he let out a small smile, gripping her finger. She couldn’t help but sob, holding him closer to her, feeling his warmth and the beat of his heart.

He was here with her, he was alive.

“He’s adorable.” Hinami squealed and Touka smiled as she looked up to her. “He looks just like –” She stopped, her voice trailing off and her smile fading as she realized what she was about to say. It still pained her, and them, to think about him.

“Just like him.” Touka whispered softly as her son grabbed onto her finger once again and squeezed tightly. He had the most exquisite, delicate features and he filled her heart with so much love, with so much hope.

Slowly, she began thinking of the future again, a future full of hope, just like his father wanted.

“What’s his name?” Hinami asked excitedly, pulling Touka’s focus back towards her.

She asked for her to get the box she handed to Nishiki earlier. And whilst she waited for her to return, she continued to admire this life in her hands. He was so small, you would wonder if he was alive at all – but he was here, breathing and moving. Alive.

This was what they had sacrificed for, this child that held their lives.

As Hinami came back into the room with the box in hand, the others joined her with bright, excited smiles before they crowded around Touka and her son. Ayato cocked his head to one side as he stared at the small baby, his eyes narrowed.

“It’s so tiny.” Ayato mumbled. “Is he even alive?”

“Of course he is, silly.” Touka giggled. “And it’s not an it. He’s my baby boy.”

“I hope that’s not what you’re gonna name him.” Nishiki joked as he leaned in to take a peek of the child. “He’s got some fat cheeks. His name should be chubby boy.”

Touka ignored his annoying comments and took the box from Hinami’s hand. She opened it only once before and this was her second time, her hand smoothing over the surface before opening it to find a small plushed, neatly made bunny with a name sewn into the blue stomach.

Kazuki.

Ken pressed himself closely and bent his head to whisper into her ear. “Kazuki,” he whispered, his voice barely audible as he tried so hard to stay awake, stay with her. With a smile, he imagined the child in his arms, “our hope.”

Hope.

That was what this child was. Her hope, and his. Even if the simple memory was unbearable for her to look back on, she clung onto it, struggling to hold back her tears. Even if it felt like a stab wound in her aching chest, when she looked back down to the son she was blessed with, she imagined the joy Ken must feel at the moment. She hoped he also felt this newfound hope and faith that bubbled up inside her. For a moment, it felt that perhaps happiness wouldn’t be an impossible achievement, not with Kazuki resting peacefully in her arms.

Hope, it was her gift to him. It was his gift to the world.

Please let us know if you liked it, thank you so much for reading!

#tokyo ghoul #tg fanfics #tgre #tg:re #tokyo ghoul:re #tokyo ghoul re #touka kirishima #kaneki ken #kanetou #touken #kaneki x touka #my fanfiction #my fanfic #joint writing #shar and leila writes #angst #shar.writes

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