#shannon mae | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

my-brothers-corrupted · 3 months

Text

My Brothers, Corrupted

Book Five: Section Two

As they arrive in Ireland, the brothers try to find a place to settle and handle some crises as best they can. Masterlist

Tws for rejection-sensitive dysphoria, discussion of past abuse, arguing and shouting between brothers, and stress over money/poverty. Tws may not be completely exhaustive - keep in mind the heaviness of the fic and look out for yourself.

Thank you to @lehhoh7822 for taking the time to compile this book!

Anonymous asked: Hey guys, not to be a downer on your plans, but didn't Anti burn down the house inside the mirror portal? I swear I remember him bragging about that.

“He did,” signs Dapper quietly, even as Blue looks up at you and shrugs.

“We need that safe space, that’s the important part. If we have to rebuild we can. Or just get a fucking tent, ha. Go camping permanently. Do you - do you remember the mirror dimension I made, Dap?”

Dapper looks up at him, nodding. “Sometimes. It was nice there. I showed the cameras once. There are trees all around and the house in the middle.”

“But Anti burned it?”

“I remember him setting it alight. I don’t know what happened after that.”

Blue sets his chin in his hand, his mouth twisted up as he thinks. He gazes out the window as the flight attendant gives a speech about what to do if everything crashes and burns.

aether-mae asked: Is noodles okay? Don’t put him in a suitcase or anything, poor baby

“Here’s my sweet boy,” says Chase, lifting up a cat carrier inside which a very restless golden cat is scraping at the bars. “I’ll get you your harness once we dig it out, baby, yes I will.”

Jackie is burrowing in a blue gym bag, tossing things out as he looks for the harness. He’s just handed you to Henrik, who picks at a sticker on the side without speaking.

“Camera’s up and running,” sighs Jackie, pushing at his hair. “Let’s just find Blue and Dap and get somewhere to stay for the night. Hi, by the way. Fuck, that flight. Glad we’re here. Yeah, Chaser?”

Chase raises his eyebrows at you. Being stuck between a dead silent twin and a very bored, nervous Jackie for twelve hours was not his idea of a good time.

“Yep.”

“Here, snacks.”

He hands Chase a pack of peanut butter crackers and they tear it open like raccoons, their stomachs growling, and split the crackers between them.

Anonymous asked: Hey maybe jacks old cabin is vacant?

“What’s that?” asks Chase through a mouthful of crackers.

“I’d love to have a cabin to stay in right about now,” says Jackie. “But anything that doesn’t have warding against other magicians finding us isn’t safe. We really need to find that house we used to stay in again. But in the meantime, I mean. I guess we just lay low and hope that Blue and Dapper can hide their power. And that the Irish magicians are less aggressive than the British ones.”

nikkilbook asked: Random nature fact, but it turns out that Lapwing-the-literal-actual-bird things tend to chill in a lot of the wetlands, and that there’s an estuary where loads of the native duders live—as opposed to the summer and winter visitors from the continent—called Shannon Calloway where there can be tens of thousands of the little guys.

It happens to be in County Offaly.

Don’t know to what degree magicians mimic their birds, but if we’re avoiding Lapwings right now, maybe don’t go to Jack’s old cabin just yet.

Jackie giggles, handing Chase the harness and shoving a book out of the bag. “I hope they can all turn into little fat birds and fly around. I wish Blue could do that. His only fault, hahaha. Well, maybe we can see some real lapwings while we’re here.”

Henrik sets you beside him, bending down to pick up the book that has spilled out of the bag. It’s the little golden novel they bought in a shop in Norway - Thornton Wilder’s the Bridge of San Luis Rey. He strokes the cover, turning his eyes towards the trees.

“Want to see some birds?” Jackie asks him fondly, reaching out to tug playfully on his hair. After hours trapped on a plane, he’s about vibrating with energy. “You still like to go for walks, huh, Dok? We can go for walks now.”

He tugs on Henrik’s hair and clothes and hands, chattering incessantly. Chase’s gaze darkens the longer it goes on.

“Jackie, give him a break.”

“We can go all over if you want, Dok-Dok.” Jackie ruffles up his hair, laughing and knocking their heads together, and Henrik just sits there, blinking. “Whatever you want, bud.”

“Stop touching him like that, Jackie, cut it out,” snipes Chase, eyes flashing. “He’s not a toy just because he doesn’t talk anymore.”

Jackie draws back, startled. He turns away. They fall into silence. The birds are chirping.

nikkilbook asked: Hey, guys? Can we have a quick conversation?

Jackie, can you explain, as best you can, why you decided to physically engage with Schneep?

Chase, can you explain why you felt his behavior was objectionable?

Even though the two of you are brothers, and even though you both have so much love to give, you speak different languages most of the time. I suggest we set up some kind of quick-and-dirty translation guide for the both of you, before anything blows up.

“You don’t just have to - grab at him like that,” grumbles Chase, clutching Noodle to his chest. “Are we just going to pretend he’s normal forever? Just our weird silent brother now? Is that what we’re - oh, fuck, Jackie, don’t - fuck.”

He’s turned away from him and crying, his hood tugged low over his eyes. Chase groans and sinks down on the bench, rubbing his face. “You’re kidding, you’re kidding.”

Now he just feels bad.

nikkilbook asked: (So who’s going to give the camera little robot arms so I can start handing out hugs? I feel like this is a long-overdue modification.)

Jackie, what are you feeling right now? Try and doodle it on something if you can’t find the words. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay, but I think it might need to exist outside of the echo chamber that is your head.

You too, Chase. What thoughts and emotions triggered your statement? What’s the connection between physically touching Schneep and pretending like this is normal? And why is that something bad? Neither of you are mind readers.

“He’s my twin, okay?” says Chase. “Not yours. He’s my job. And he’s hurt right now! He can’t tell you if he wants you to touch him or not while he’s like this. Probably he doesn’t! So I just wanted you to keep your hands off, okay? Cause he’s not himself and I don’t know why we’re all just pretending he is.”

He looks up at Henrik, aching for a second for anything familiar to register through his brother’s eyes.

Henrik is buried in that book, his fingers sliding over the pages, his eyes taking nothing in. Esteban, reads the chapter title, and Chase feels something burn in his eyes. He takes the book from him and slams it shut, shoving it into the suitcase.

“I’m here, Dok,” he mumbles, touching his brother’s hands. “I’m not going to let anybody hurt you again.”

Jackie cringes, pulling at his hoodie strings. He’s exhausted and overwhelmed and the airplane was loud and hot and crowded and his ears popped. Now he’s being a bad brother again. Too touchy, too stupid, too mean. Chase still thinks he’s going to hurt them again. He probably will. He’s just rage and anxiety and dumb decisions.

“Jackie, I’m sorry, I just overreacted and snapped a little. I’m not actually mad. You don’t gotta cry, man.”

He’s bad. He can feel it down to his chest, so intense it stings. He needs to throw up. He chews on the strings of his hoodie, clenching his fists in and out. In and out. In and out. He should have stayed with Blue and let the others go together so only his twin would have to see him like this - the wreck he really is.

crystalninjaphoenix asked: No harm was meant here. Chase is protective and just lashed out. Jackie didn't understand that contact would lead to a reaction. You're both on edge. Just remember no harm was meant.

“I’m sorry,” mumbles Chase. “But don’t freak out, okay? I just lashed out, they’re right.”

Jackie nods frantically, hiding beneath his hood. He wants to not be upset. He knows he’s overreacting and it doesn’t help for a second.

Chase sighs. “Want Noodle?” he offers weakly.

Jackie pauses, sniffing. After a second he nods. Chase hands the cat over and lets his brother hide his face and bury his fingers there in the golden fur of the kitten.

“I’ll guard,” he sighs, and you see him straighten and compose himself, finding a comfortable position and settling down to watch for danger so Jackie can rest. This is what he was meant to do.

nikkilbook asked: Jackie, listen to me for a second. Focus on the little words on my little camera face.

Your brain is trying to protect you from something. It has noticed something and has decided that it’s a threat. It’s trying to help. What is it trying to warn you about? What’s the threat? What is going to happen to you?

Now, what evidence can you find—actual things you can observe or remember observing—that confirm that? What evidence can you find that contradicts it?

Your brain is trying to help you, Jackie. It’s just been through a lot and the wires are kind of messy now. The red alert button is the only thing it can find sometimes. You and me, we have to spend a bit of time trying to unravel the messages. What is your brain trying to tell you right now?

“That I’m a bad brother,” cries Jackie. “And when I’m bad I - ”

His own thought process stops him short suddenly. He bites his lip and stays buried low against Noodle, who just purrs enthusiastically.

“You’re not… a bad brother. I just got mad,” sighs Chase, picking unhappily at a peanut butter cracker. “Jackie, you’re like the toughest guy I know, but sometimes when we say little tiny things, you take them really really hard and think about them forever. The - the evidence, if that’s what you need, is that I told you I forgave you for what happened between all of us weeks ago, and I like you a lot, and I know you’re trying to take care of us. Look, you got me crackers and you’ve been looking out for us this whole time.”

Jackie sighs and sets his face to the side, calming down a little.

“All I said was that I didn’t want you touching him too much, and that was a little harsh, and there was nothing about you being a bad brother in there.”

“I make everyone angry,” mumbles Jackie. “Like that guy on the plane who yelled at me for kicking his seat.”

“Whatever, Jackie, he was a dick,” says Chase, scowling now. “He was probably just grouchy from being stuck on a plane like we were.”

“That’s all? You were just grouchy?”

“Just grouchy and worried about Henrik.”

Jackie scratches at his beard, nodding slowly. That does make more sense than Chase secretly hating him. But the truth is that the logic won’t do much to stop the self-hatred from burning into him later, cause Chaser is right - he takes everything too hard. It’s not something he can help.

“Sorry I’m a baby.”

“You’re not a baby,” laughs Chase, and it actually perks Jackie up a little just to hear him say it. “Dude, you just get a little freaked when you think someone’s mad at you. And, um. I get it, you know? Cause I know… I know what would happen when Anti would get mad at you. ”

Ah. There it is. Jackie and Chase go quiet again, kicking their feet against the pavement.

“Maybe we can talk about something else,” suggests Jackie.

“Sure,” agrees Chase wearily. “Yeah, sure.”

nikkilbook asked: I remember him bragging too, but I don’t trust that he was telling the truth anymore. He struggled so much to keep Marv’s magic at bay that I wonder how much he could do to a place like that. He bragged that he killed your cats, and I believe Max saw their bodies, but I don’t think I trust that either, because they weren’t ordinary flesh-and-blood cats. He used Athanasius’ name as a code word for Dap at one point, though I don’t know what that means. Basically, I don’t trust a word of what he said about anything, because he was a liar, even if he used statements that were factually correct. Anti always lied.

“He did lie a lot,” mumbles Jackie.

“Thought we weren’t talking about this?”

“But do you get that too?” asks Jackie, almost desperate as he whirls on him. “Do you get scared that you’re going to get hurt whenever someone raises their voice or snaps at you? Whenever someone moves too fast somewhere in your vicinity or you smell oil? Do you get that too?”

Chase stares at him for a second, mouth pursed with uncharacteristic reluctance. He turns away again, quietly clearing a leaf off Henrik’s shoulder. “Anti didn’t really hurt me like that, Jackie.”

“What?”

Chase shrugs, too interested in Henrik’s torn white coat.

“Sure he did. He screamed at you and kicked you around and smacked you. I saw him, lots of times.”

Something flickers through Chase’s eyes, faint and timid. He shakes his head a little, mouth taut.

Jackie turns away again, frowning. Dok always used to tell them that they shouldn’t challenge Dapper too much on his delusions if they were helping him cope. Maybe this is the same. Maybe he just needs to let Chase cope a little, and come back to it when he’s seeing a therapist or something.

“I get scared when I hear the rest of you calling out,” says Chase after a long moment, and Jackie turns back to him, wide-eyed. “You… nightmare in your sleep, Jackie, did you know that? You shout. And then I can’t move. Even if I want to wake you up. I just lie really still and hold my pocketknife and hide under the covers with Dok. Cause… that’s what I’ve always done. And I’m sorry for that.”

Jackie stares at him, head turned.

“I’m sorry that you had to be everybody’s protector and I just hid and stared out the window all those years.”

“Not your fault,” murmurs Jackie, as if on instinct. ��Being able to protect any of you, even just for one night - that’s the only thing that ever kept me functioning, Trick.”

“Chase,” he reminds him gently.

Jackie blinks, nodding. “Right, sorry. Sorry. Chase.”

Chase brushes his shoulder gently and sighs out.

“Okay. Topic change again. That’s all I got in me for now.”

nikkilbook asked: For later, when you have the space in your brain and heart to think about this, this is what I gathered from what you said:

Threat: people are mad at you because you are a bad brother/person, and that means that you are about to be physically hurt or attacked.

Evidence for: when Anti lost his temper with you, he told you that you were being a bad brother, and then he punished you for it. When Trick was angry at you or scared of something you had done, he lashed out verbally and reinforced the idea that you were a bad brother.

Evidence against: Chase has forgiven you for what you did while you were trying to be Red, and has said that he does not believe you are a bad brother and that he knew some of your aggressive actions were actually to protect him and the others from Anti. Your actual brothers have never physically harmed you for being “bad,” unless Anti’s shenanigans were involved. Since you defeated Anti, no one has physically harmed you or “punished” you, unless they were douchecanoe xenophobic Robins in another timeline.

Conclusion: Anti punished you when you were bad by his standards. Anti is dead, and your brothers do not share his standards. Their anger does not result in physical harm or punishment. Nothing you have done has been out of malicious intent, regardless of whether or not it ended up backfiring in some way.

You’re a good person, Jackie, and a good brother. If you’re up to it, maybe talk to the others and find out what their boundaries are, so you know what their definition of a good brother is. It’s nice to know what the rules of engagement are, at least until you feel more confident in your new dynamic.

“Douchecanoe,” Jackie laughs, and you see Chase relax again at the sound of it, because when Jackie’s okay, everbody’s okay, and that’s been the way things have gone for a long time. “Huh, yeah… all written out like that, yeah…”

He pauses, picking at his beard. “Nobody’s… hurt me at all since he died.”

Chase gazes down at the ground, eyes dark. They look at each other a moment later and both try to smile.

Henrik glances between the two of them, patient in his silence. He’s picked his book up again at some point, and it’s open to the same chapter: Esteban.

“He’ll come back to himself when he’s ready,” adds Jackie after a moment.

Chase pushes a strand of hair from Henrik’s face. “I hope you’re right,” he says.

“What’s that book about, anyways?”

Chase shakes his head. “It’s sad. I don’t know. It’s about some people dying. It’s short and he memorized it the first time he read it through, but he still always kept it.”

“It’s about people dying?”

“Yeah… about some people who all fall on a bridge. And this monk tries to figure out why, but then it’s more complex than he thought. Cause even the good people had secrets and the bad people loved other people. And at the end… it’s just about death, I guess, and how you love people as long and as hard as you can even though you’re going to lose them some day.”

“Who’s Esteban?”

Chase stares down at the chapter. “Just… one of the people who dies. That’s all.”

Henrik’s fingers are resting against the word.

“I got to use the bathroom. I’ll run inside with him if you’ll watch Noodle. Be right back.”

“Hey, wait, just leave him with me,” laughs Jackie, touching Henrik’s shoulder - gently now, though, not plucking or teasing. “He’s fine for just a minute.”

Chase pauses, staring down at his twin, but after a terse smile, he goes inside. He knows Jackie won’t hurt him.

“Want me to read?” asks Jackie gently.

Henrik looks at him. He’s got those big starry eyes like Dapper has these days. Jackie tugs fondly at a strand of his ear and then leans over the book, and begins to read, slow and jilted. He isn’t much of a reader - always found the focusing and the spelling to be both impossible and humiliating, and literary devices escape him for the most part - but he’d read for hours if Henrik asked him to.

Or even if those big star eyes seemed to soften just a little as he spoke.

“On Friday noon, July the twentieth, 1714, the finest bridge in all Peru broke and precipitated five travelers into the gulf below…”

“Dammit, Rojo, you promised me we would stay out of illegal shit. Promised me! If we get caught - ”

“We won’t get caught!”

“You are so wanted they’d ship us off to America or Italy or Peru before they could even figure out which one of us is which.”

“We don’t have the cash to stay anywhere else, Blue!”

The five of them found each other at the library two days ago and, exhausted from traveling, ended up crashing in an abandoned bus halfway across town. Jackie’s grateful it’s summer, but sitting cramped against chewed-up cushions and spending the whole night listening to the others try to convince Dapper that the bus was not, in fact, driving them towards Purgatory or about to fall in on itself was not particularly restful.

Then again, breaking into this house just because a couple neighbors told him that the Humphreys are out of town for a month or two isn’t exactly safe either if they get caught.

“Honey, focus, please.” Blue plucks wearily at the dog tags on his brother’s hoodie, his eyes hollow with fatigue. “Let’s just go back to the bus. That’s not breaking and entering.”

“Dapper needs somewhere safe and quiet, Blue. Hell, you’re the one who was worried he was going to attack the lady on the plane just for handing him a Coke. We all need somewhere stable. We need real rest.”

Chase and Henrik watch in silence as their siblings argue, Noodle chasing a bug around the garden nearby. Dapper is lying across Chase’s lap, eyes closed.

“We could spring for a hotel just for a couple nights,” suggests Blue. “Just until we can make some cash or find another place.”

“How are we going to make any money, huh?”

“We’ll figure something out, Jackie.”

“I don’t know.”

“Let’s not fight,” sighs Blue, touching his shoulder. “We’re on the same team. Let’s just ask the cameras.”

“Okay. Sure, yeah.”

Anonymous asked: Did we miss the flight? Well I guess it would be hard to keep cameras with you on an airplane. Where are you boys now?

“I don’t even remember what fucking city,” sighs Blue, rubbing at his head. “Yeah, we’ve been here a day or two.”

“We’re in Waterford,” says Jackie, moving towards the house despite their ongoing disagreement and beginning to inspect the locks. “Suburban neighborhood with a little space in between the houses. We can hide out here just fine. No sight of any magicians yet, thank God.”

“It’s not good if we can’t find anyone to help us get to the mirror dimension.”

“We can figure it out on our own.”

nikkilbook asked: Jackie, I just did some research—when you get to Ireland, try and make it to Malin Head on the Inishowen Peninsula, at the northern tip. (Hopefully there won’t be any UK Robins there, I don’t know how much magicians pay attention to colonial boundaries). Apparently that is the best place in Ireland to see the Northern Lights, and if I’ve got my realities straight, the aurora brings magic to the surface. Marvin may have gone to see it regularly before.

“When I was young, it felt so out of control. But I would come up here where the aurora summons all magic to the surface, and suddenly I could feel how it was a part of me… how it belonged to me.”

If that fails, try going to the University College Dublin, to the National Folklore Collection. You might be able to find naturally magical places that way. Look for fairy forts, raths, sidhe mounds, fairy roads, etc. I know Marvin’s magic isn’t exactly the same as the folkloric magic, but it might be worth a shot. Maybe look for ones near Offaly, where Jack grew up.

“See, maybe that could be something,” says Jackie, pointing back at the camera. “A library that might have info for us instead of talking to any asshole magicians. We could maybe take a trip up North sometimes. Although, right now we just need to get a little settled.”

crystalninjaphoenix asked: I say its too risky to try and break into a house. For now, at least. We don't want any run-ins with police or magicians

“Thank you,” sighs Blue. “Boys, let’s go back to the bus or find a hotel. I think there are even shelters in the area, if - ”

“You know how I feel about shelters,” snaps Jackie. “Too many eyes on you. I don’t care how sweet the nuns are. Someone will notice how off we are and then Schneep’s in the psych ward or people are asking too many questions - just no.”

“Okay, geez, I get it. Let’s just keep it in mind.”

“Blue, I said no,” says Jackie, louder now.

Blue stares at him for a second, eyes hard. After a second he scoffs and turns away. “C'mon. Let’s go.”

“No,” says Jackie. “No.”

Chase glances up at them, exchanging a look with Dapper a moment later.

nikkilbook asked: Jackie, you doing okay? You’re repeating yourself, and getting a bit monosyllabic. I can see you’re looking out for your brothers’ wellbeing, and I’m really proud of you for that. Are there any other options we can talk through before actually breaking and entering, just to make sure you’ve covered all possible bases? If this is the only option then it’s the only option, and we’ll go for it. But we’ve still got some spaghetti in the pot that we haven’t thrown at the wall yet, we can take a second to see what what else might stick.

Blue lets out a deep breath, centering himself before he moves back towards Jackie and lays a hand on his shoulder, rubbing circles into his sleeve. “I know you haven’t been getting much sleep and that you’re under a lot of stress,” he says. “But I’m afraid of what would happen if the cops found us and we could get a hotel or go back to the bus, okay? What makes you not want to do that?”

“Money,” mumbles Jackie. “And the bus is not… good.”

“Good? What do you mean?”

Jackie shakes his head, eyes focused on the lock on the door.

“What’s wrong with the bus, Jackie?”

“I want a house. I’m not… I want you to have… to have a house.”

“There are more important things right now, aren’t there?”

“No.”

“Is everything okay?” asks Chase.

“Yeah, fine, sugar,” sighs Blue. “Just give us a second. Look, the cameras seem to agree with me, and they usually lead us well, yeah?”

“Hmm.”

Anonymous asked: First off, this is great communication, I'm proud of both of you. Second off, Jackie, what is it about specifically a house that is important? Can you tell us that?

Jackie winces, shaking his head. Blue’s just looking at him and so is everybody else, it feels like. He drags his eyes away from his twin’s, rocking on his heels.

Dapper looks back up at the stars, blinking through a wash of memories.

He was Anti’s first in England, and they stayed in a small home in the country where Anti broke so many laws they eventually had to run even from non-magical cops. There was an apartment in Japan and then, gaining Jackie, they moved through Italy and parts of the surrounding world in villas and townhouses and once even a castle that Anti rented just for fun, cackling as he ran his hands over the ancient strength of the walls. A cabin in Norway and an old medical building in Peru, complete with a kitchen and bathrooms and beds. A mansion in California.

On occasion they would stop in a warehouse or spend the night waiting for an airport layover. But Anti always found them somewhere stable to stay soon enough, glitching out information to make it looked like he owned the property, paying for it with stolen money, or just over-throwing cameras to keep them well-hidden. It was a talent of his. Anti always found them somewhere stable to stay.

Jackie looks miserably back at his siblings. Anti was a monster, but he could always get them food and medication and security and a place to stay if he just decided to care. He doesn’t know why he can’t do that. He pushes at the door like it will swing open and welcome him inside.

nikkilbook asked: Jackie, what is it about a house that is so important? What does a house have that a shelter/hotel/bus/tent doesn’t?

“Trying to be… good,” mumbles Jackie. “I don’t want to be a bad big brother anymore. And I hate that bus anyway. Scratchy and loud and there’s bugs and rain. I want - I want something to be ours. Mine. I just…”

He wishes Dapper had never taken him back in time and shown him that perfect little house where his whole family was healthy and happy. Where he had a room all his own and everything was neat and quiet and exactly where he wanted it. He just wants that now, now, now. He’s so tired of waiting when things never get better. He sinks down against the porch of the house, holding his head in his hands.

Blue sits down beside him.

“You told me things would be better after he died,” Jackie whispers.

“This is better!”

Jackie looks up at him, anguished.

And dammit, Blue can’t hold his gaze. He closes his eyes, letting his head thunk back against the door of that house, exhausted.

nikkilbook asked: I’m so, so sorry, Jackie. I’m sorry it isn’t better yet. I’m sorry it’s still so hard. And I’m sorry, but this house won’t be your house either. It doesn’t have your room, it doesn’t have things where you want them, and you’d have to be so careful about not leaving a trace of you and looking over your shoulder and hiding from everything still. It’s a house, but it’s not your house. And I’m sorry for that.

Jackie’s mouth tenses, his head tilted aside. He glances at his siblings just for a second. White bandages and a torn doctor’s coat. Hollow faces and circled eyes. Mussed hair and faded, worn-out shoes.

He thinks he understands why Dapper always used to call them ghosts.

He had hoped revelations like that would stop after they cut their infection out, but the wound that festered is still lying in their flesh, barely even wrapped up, still oozing blood. He wonders if maybe that wound will still kill them.

“Jackie,” says Blue, that firm, warm hand on his shoulder again. “Don’t get too deep in your head. I need you right now, okay? We - ”

Jackie gets up and breaks the lock in one vicious shove of his arm. Blue jerks back, mouth gaping.

“No, it’s not my house,” says Jackie calmly, dropping the broken handle. “But we’ll stay here for a couple days. Come on.”

“Ro!” snaps Blue. “Are you kidding? The cameras and I both said - ”

“I’m the one in charge!” screams Red, whirling on him.

Silence in the garden. Chase and Henrik stare at him with huge eyes. Dapper might be laughing, splayed across Chase’s lap, his chest shaking and a manic grin on his mouth.

“I’m big brother. I make the decisions. Not you. Not the cameras,” says Jackie, taking one cold step towards his twin. “So I want everyone to stop acting like I don’t know what’s right for them. I can be a better brother than Anti, fuck! I’m in control and you’re the caretaker. That’s what you do. So how about, instead of questioning me, you get my brothers inside and take care of them because that’s your damn job.”

Blue’s hands are clenched, his teeth gritted. He seethes even as his eyes water up. Jackie turns away from him, mouth only trembling for a moment.

“What if I don’t?” spits Blue.

“You will,” Jackie answers sharply.

He does not look back as he disappears into the house.

nikkilbook asked: Hey Jaimer, a thought for you: do our cameras have a viewport you could look through? Or ways for you to take a picture and what we see? What are we, like a GoPro or a DSLR or something? I remember we sent you a picture of a shaggy highland cow once, back in Peru.

If there is a way for that to work, the next time you see Anti, point us at him and take a picture. This might not work the way it works with other people’s hallucinations, since Anti’s code is part of why we exist in the first place, but it’s worth a shot.

And Jaimer? Next time he shows up, tell us what he’s doing. Specifically, tell us how he’s interacting with your brothers, if at all. And then tell us how you think he would have interacted in the past, before the forest. I almost wonder if having somewhere to write this down would be helpful. For science, ya know?

“I saw him just now,” answers Dapper dreamily. “Did you see him? He was yelling at my brother.”

Anonymous asked: Family isn't a job. Family isn't a cast list of roles to play and those roles only. Your decisions are your own but they make their own decisions too. Sometimes you need to make decisions together, and most often, you'll need to compromise. But forcing your decisions to override everyone else's in the name of family due to a familial "rank" ... That doesn't sit right, Jackie. What you want, what you need, and what you have might not align right now, but rash decisions and clashing amongst yourselves won't achieve those goals any faster.

“No, this is how things are!” shrieks Jackie, striking the wall with his palm and making Henrik jump. “That’s how it goes, that’s what we do, that’s what it is, don’t - don’t try to change every - just - you don’t get to tell me - ”

“Stop fucking yelling!” screams Blue, charging into the house after him. “You are scaring my little brothers!”

They stare at each other, both panting, stances poised. Jackie sucks in one harsh breath and turns to rush away from him, shoving into the first bedroom he finds and slamming the door shut behind him.

Blue shakes in the doorway, swallowing hard, tears dripping down his face. He turns to look back at the others. All three of them stare at him in silence.

“It’s okay now,” says Blue.

They’re all just blank-faced and quiet, looking at him or picking at the grass. He supposes they’re just used to it by now. Or at least that they know how to keep a low profile and bury their panic until it’s safe to let out.

Fuck, they are fucking all this up.

“Let’s go, guys, come on.”

And they get up and follow him in.

Anonymous asked: Oof. Jackie, I understand you're stressed and overwhelmed and things are bad... but maybe take a second look at that interaction. Not now, maybe, but just... at some point in the future. And just... remember that you're all more than your "roles."

“Yeah, not now,” whispers Blue, helping his brothers pick up their bags. “Not now. That’s why he ran off. Cause he knows he’ll just yell and get angrier, cause he can’t take it right now and he knows himself well enough. He’s just trying to protect us from his own temper. He didn’t mean to yell.”

“I think we have a lot of problems,” says Chase steadfastly.

Blue laughs weakly. “What gave it away?”

“But we don’t really work on them.”

“What?”

“We have to talk about all this at some point,” says Chase.

Blue closes his eyes, sighing. “Amata… Jackie really needs some structure. Once we’re settled - ”

“Yeah, once we’re settled, once we’re medicated, once we’re safe, whatever,” mutters Chase, sliding an arm around Henrik’s shoulders and walking towards the door. “I get it.”

“None of us are stable enough to have big conversations right now, Chase!”

Chase looks back at him, and Blue sees that frustration in him, that exhaustion. Blue reaches out, worried for him, and touches his cheek, letting their eyes meet.

Something odd happens in that moment. Blue isn’t sure what when he looks back. But Chase’s expression changes - his eyes blink and then glaze just a little, and his body relaxes, and his mouth goes soft and quiet.

“Yeah. Maybe you’re right. Just… well, tomorrow’s another day.”

Blue frowns, drawing back from him as he moves towards the house. “Um. Yeah. Right. Tomorrow.”

Dapper’s at his side, looking up at him. “Something the matter?”

“What, on top of everything?” he grouses.

Dapper doesn’t answer, and Blue turns to him in apology, putting his arm around his shoulder in mimicry of the twins. “Come on. Let’s get you some sleep. Doing okay?”

“Fine,” signs Dapper flatly, and his face is as blank as his signs, his body stiff and twitchy. Blue knocks their heads together for a moment, sighing.

“Tomorrow I’ll see about getting you to see a clinician. If our identities are in the health care system we can go right to an urgent care place. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Anonymous asked: Jackie, the difference between you and Anti, while it partially lies in powers, is that you chose to care. Most of the time Anti didn't chose to care for you all. He treated it like love and stability was something you had to "earn". You know that's not true though, I can tell. You want to protect them simply because you love them, and you care very much. You can do this, you're strong and resilient, and you love with all your heart. You can make it through this darkness, Jackieboy Man.

He’s tense in the darkness of an unfamiliar house, and he’s already awake by the time he hears the crying in his doorway.

“Blue… hey, I’m… I’m sorry…”

He rubs at his eyes, turning over to see the silhouette of his twin slinking towards him in the darkness and pausing anxiously at the foot of his bed.

“I know you are, Rose,” he sighs, making room in the bed. “I know. Come on, then.”

Jackie crawls into bed beside him and wraps around him like an octopus, still fully dressed, burying his face in Blue’s shoulder. He cries into his shirt for long minutes, contrite and exhausted, repeating apologies again and again: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you. I’m sorry I yelled. I’m not good at this. I’m a bad brother.”

“You’re not a bad brother. Just worn out. I know. I know.”

He’s run out of energy for anger. Honestly he isn’t even that concerned for Jackie right now. Too tired to feel much else but this deepset and painful apathy. He stares up at the ceiling and rubs Jackie’s back.

“Are we failing at this, Blue?” whispers Jackie after long minutes, when his crying has trailed off and his breathing is steady. “Weren’t we supposed to save them from all this? Wasn’t that the plan?”

Blue doesn’t know what to say.

“We’ll get through this, Ro,” he answers finally, because you don’t always have to believe in comfort to pass it on. “We’ll get through the darkness.”

They spend the night side by side.

nikkilbook asked: Jaimer... which brother was he yelling at?

There’s a figure curled around a mug on the back porch of the home, blowing carefully on his tea as he waits for it to cool. “Does it matter?” he signs shortly, setting the mug beside him. “He’s always gone again when I come to. Or look through the cameras, like you said…”

He picks up the little camcorder and gazes out at the trees, one eye pressed to the sight. “See? Now all the monsters are invisible. Just talking to me, that’s all they do.”

nikkilbook asked: Hey Jaimer—do you remember in Peru, I think right after Christmas, after Jackie got in trouble, when your meds were still super weird? I remember you playing a game with yourself and talking to Bro Average, and you kept talking to/about your brothers and saying they were ghosts, that Anti had killed them. That’s why you got so upset with Red at the gas station, because you felt like he had killed Jackie, that he was more Anti than Jackie now.

When you see Anti now, what happens to your other brothers? Do they stay and he’s separate from them, or does he take their place? Is it like at the front door just then, where he was yelling at your brother? I believe that you see him. I believe you more and more each time.

I have a thought that I’m still putting together, and I was wondering if you remembered.

Dapper pauses, staring away from you. His blue eyes have morning light in them. He takes a pensive, tired sip of his tea, steeping the bag up and down, up and down, before setting it aside again.

“I don’t usually see him as himself. He doesn’t appear with a bleeding throat or mismatched eyes or the black clothes and gauges. My proud, vain twin. Sometimes he comes to me like that when I’m alone, but usually… no, I don’t see him like that.

I can’t tell where he is, you know? He’s hiding somewhere. Under someone’s skin. He whispers to me all the time so I know he’s close. But where is he hiding? He changes. Somedays he’s wearing Blue or Red or Trick or even Dok, when he’s quiet, and I see his eyes fixate on something cold or very red. But mostly I think he’s in all of us, and if he really wanted to make me hurt someone, he could still do it. I’m not in control. Just voices, and I can’t find JJ under Dapper and Anti and Carver and all the other monsters who have eaten me up over the years. I think JJ did die. I’m not sure if the others did - Jackie and Marvin and Chase and Henrik. Sometimes I see them, but only acting sometimes like themselves, and sometimes it’s Anti pretending, so who’s to say? Everybody’s always talking to me. Sometimes Red is right beside me but Jackie is yelling in my ear, screaming that he’s going to save me, that he’s going to save the both of us, that we’ll go home. But the radio is so loud too…”

Dapper rubs at his forehead for a second, expression vaguely pained. “I’m losing it. I’m losing my mind again. I always do. Crazy Dapper.”

nikkilbook asked: Have you ever heard the poem “The Future”? The poet, Neil, he talks about all the irrational things he’s done because of his mental illness. That particular poem he mentions being bipolar, but in a different poem he mentions schizophrenia. There’s this one particular stanza that has always stuck with me—

They keep telling me seeing things that aren't technically there

is called "disturbed cognitive functioning." I call it

"having a superpower." Once, I pulled over on the 110 freeway

and jumped out of my old Jeep because I saw it burst

into flames twenty seconds before it actually burst

into flames.

I’ve had this theory for the last several months, or maybe since I first heard that poem years ago. I’ve heard that part of schizophrenia is that sensory information goes in, something scrambles, and a completely different message makes it to the ��this is what’s what” part of the brain. And I’ve wondered, what if the message that comes out the other side is still trying to tell you something about your environment that is rooted in reality? Like, if my sensory receptors smell smoke or oil or hear something or see something, and my brain can’t figure out how to translate that into Swahili so it just starts pantomiming and trying to get the point across by coming up with a visual hallucination.

And I don’t want to be the reason you completely clock out from reality. It’s like I told Jackie—if my brain sends a red alert, it is trying to warn me of something based in reality, but that doesn’t mean that reality actually warrants a red alert. I just wonder what it is you’re noticing around you that influences what you see.

We know there’s an echo of Anti left behind in us. We’ve seen him. I made him disappear in a poof because he’s been reduced to a couple of pixels and the emotional maturity of a toddler. He has no power in us—he can’t turn us off or direct our gaze.

But I think maybe there’s an echo left in each of you, too. And sometimes it comes out.

“Sometimes my delusions and hallucinations are pieces of real warnings,” Dapper signs gently, the wind brushing against that slightly-overgrown hair at his nape. “Maybe sometimes I do see pieces of him still alive in them. A part of me would like that, but I usually see him in anger, mocking me, shouting, losing his temper, making threats. I guess when you come down to it that’s the echo he left me.”

It burns in JJ’s eyes for a second, angry and hurt.

“I always knew he was a monster. But he was the monster that was real and tangible and predictable in a sea of terrors I could never get a read on. Because some of my hallucinations and delusions and psychosis - they come no matter how safe and cared for I am. The big red monster who stares at me from the closet, the birds that pick at my face and my legs in my sleep, the over-powering paranoia that everything in the world wants to hurt me - they don’t connect to anything. They’re just my brain. Just my psychosis. Just my demons. And those won’t leave me even if I could convince myself my brother is dead.”

A bitter sip of his tea, full of sugar. He closes his eyes.

It’s now that pounding footsteps come racing towards the door, and Blue races out onto the porch, yelping as he almost trips over his youngest brother. “Dapper! Red’s gone. Have you seen him? Oh, fuck.”

Anonymous asked: Blue, JJ, be kind to each other and be mindful of each other. You're both dealing with Anti's death in very different ways, and it could result in arguments or in-fighting, when what you both need most right now is a brother to be there for you.

“Blue,” signs Dapper, tugging on his shirt as he tries to race away from him. “Wait, wait.”

“What?” snaps Blue, whirling on him. “What, where’s my brother?”

Dapper sinks in on himself, his expression torn somewhere between timid and dangerous, a unique cocktail he’s perfected over the years. “He just went for a run, Blue. He’s fine.”

“Oh, so I have to break into a house when he tells me to but he’s allowed to go off for a run without telling anybody whenever he wants?” shouts Blue, advancing on him. “How does that fucking work, huh? Tell me that, Dapper.”

“He told me,” signs Dapper, shrinking away from his sibling.

“I mean someone who could do something about it if he was in trouble,” Blue shoots back.

Dapper looks away, burying himself in his tea. Blue stands shaking for a moment, his hair askew and his face still lined with pillow indentations, before he glances down at your message and feels guilty. A deep breath enters him automatically and he sinks down on the porch, sighing out again as he sits.

“I didn’t mean that,” he says.

“You did,” answers Dapper calmly. “You’re right. I’m useless right now.”

“Dapper. You’re not.”

“Yeah? What am I good for then?”

Blue stares at him, face heated with embarrassed regret. “You don’t have to be good for something, baby.”

“Stop calling me baby!” signs Dapper, striking his hands together hard. “I’m not your goddamn baby!”

They fall into shocked silence, both surprised by their own behaviors.

“Sorry,” whispers Blue after a moment.

“Me too,” signs Dapper. “You and Red just have such bad tempers lately.”

“I… I know. I’ll try harder.”

Anonymous asked: Chase is right though. There are so many issues plaguing your family right now, you're all exhausted, traumatized, messes. You need to talk things out when you get the chance. Holding back all these feelings from each other will only drive you apart and make things more difficult. Check up on each other and be willing to listen. I know it sounds like a broken record, us cameras, but maybe the reason for that is that some of us know a thing or two about healing, and we care about you in a way that makes us want to help. You boys need each other badly. Don't let your family be torn apart over miscommunication and hidden emotions.

The door behind them creaks meekly open and a tousled head of yellow-brown hair appears behind them.

“Guys?” asks Chase softly. “What’s the yelling about?”

Blue beckons his little brother forward, and of course Henrik follows after him, eyes lighting up a little at the wind and the smell of last night’s rain. He tries to walk down the porch and Chase pulls him gently back, sitting him down on the swing chair and rocking them both along, until Henrik’s gaze is fixed on the movement of their feet.

“How’s he?” asks Blue.

“Mh,” hums Chase, carefully re-adjusting a bandage on his twin’s cheek. “Slept good. Bruises fading a little. Does not like waking up to fighting, though. It makes him shake.”

Blue closes his eyes, shaking his head. “Yeah. Okay. Maybe you were right.”

“About what?” asks Chase. “What, me? What was I right about?”

Blue chuckles, running his hands over the smooth wood of the porch. “I guess we all need to talk, huh?”

Chase glances at Dapper, who hides against his tea again, blinking up at him.

“Okay,” says Chase. “Let’s talk.”

nikkilbook asked: My dudes, Not-a-Therapist here, but in all honesty—you need some kind of first step. You’ve got plans that are twenty miles down the road, and I don’t think you even know WHICH road. You’ve got a couple milestones here and there that might maybe point you in the right direction, but you don’t have a first step. Which is why you are in someone else’s house with a busted doorknob now.

I’m seeing two threads here: get your brains screwed back on right, and get to your mirror house. They’re interconnected, but I don’t think you should wait on one before you start on the other. You need some kind of first step, something that will point you even vaguely in the right direction.

I don’t know, maybe you AREN’T in a space where you can have huge heavy conversations, but you can have small ones. Chase and Jackie had one like a day ago. You need professional help, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start working on some of this yourself.

I’m worried about what will happen if you don’t. You’ve each got a little Anti left inside you, I think, and I don’t know what happens if you don’t figure out what to do with it.

“I think that’s a really good idea,” says Blue, getting to his feet. “We need to know where we go from here. We need a plan.”

He moves into the house even as Jackie appears down the path from the trees, fully hoodied and gloved even in the heat, the heel of one of his torn old running shoes flapping beneath him. “Hey,” he calls, surprised to see them all up and together. “What’s going on? See you made yourself at home, Dap.”

Dapper sips vengefully at his tea. “You’re the one who broke in, mister. And this is real tea. Finally.”

Jackie laughs and pats his head as he passes, meeting his twin in the doorway, his face ruddy and bright from the exercise and the freedom, still as refreshing as it was the day he burned his faux brother to ash. “What are we doing, Azul?”

“We’re talking about our plan from here, honey,” says Blue, plucking at his twin’s dog tags for a second before sitting down on the steps beside Dapper again. He’s fetched a few napkins and a pen. “We want to decide at least our first steps for what we need to do for ourselves and what we need to do to get back home.”

“Don’t worry about it, dude,” says Jackie, plopping onto the swing beside Henrik and Chase. “I got a plan.”

“And what is that?”

“I got some ideas,” says Jackie, frowning slightly. “We can talk about it together, just the two of us.”

Blue blinks around at his brothers, but nobody else protests.

Anonymous asked: Uhhhhhh you sure about that 'just the two of us' bit, Jackie? I mean, we're trying to stick together, right? Y'all are a unit, you need to work with each other.

Jackie throws his hands up for a second, glancing uncomfortably around and you and his siblings in turn. “Blue, can we talk about this for like, two seconds?”

And Blue’s mad.

Blue’s mad, so mad it hurts in his chest, so mad he recognizes the emotion, a moment later, as pure grief for something Anti took from his brothers.

Why won’t Chase or Dapper say anything when Jackie does that? Why didn’t they say anything yesterday when he and Jackie were arguing about where to stay without asking them once what they wanted to do? Is that part of the reason Henrik is so far away from them now, because no one was listening anyway? How long did it take Anti to convince the youngest three that they couldn’t make their own decisions?

“No, Jackie,” he says, meeting his eyes directly. “No. We’re all in this mess as a family, so we’re going to deal with it as a family. Why are you so opposed to all of us figuring this out, huh?”

“Blue,” says Jackie, a little sharper. “Please just come talk to me for a second.”

“Why don’t you tell your little brothers why you don’t respect their opinion instead of expecting me to keep your secrets for you?”

“I respect - ”

“Do you?”

“Fine!” shouts Jackie, striking the swing so hard that Henrik grips the armrest tight. “I’ll tell them if you want! All three of you are too fucking fragile, alright? All you should have to do right now is heal because you can’t handle anything else! Chase and Dapper have both tried to fucking kill themselves in the last year and Henrik is barely even there anymore! You’re broken the fuck in half and I’m not going to stop taking care of you now just because he’s gone!”

The silence is so deeply strained that Blue is surprised that all five of them don’t break out into a cold sweat. The birds sing and they glance at each other, stare at the wood of the porch, or pretend the others aren’t there. Jackie keeps Blue’s gaze, too long, too intense, before crumpling back against the swing, closing his eyes.

And Blue just wishes - Chase, say something. Dapper, say something. Henrik, wake up for a moment, please.

But Chase is quiet and Dapper drinks his tea as Henrik rocks himself, gently, on the swing.

“I’m in charge,” says Jackie, voice trembling. “I am, I make the decisions, I’m in control. Blue helps. But the rest of you… fuck. Please just get better. Please. Cause I can’t watch you collapse in on yourselves again. I already… already lost Dok.”

“Not lost,” whispers Chase.

Dok rocks. Rocks. Rocks. Smiling faintly, his eyes faraway.

nikkilbook asked: Jackie, everyone needs to be in on this. You’re all brothers—and, if I may be so blunt—none of you are actually twins. That was an invention of Anti’s to make you codependent. There is no inherent division between you, and everyone needs to be equally involved in what the plan is. And it’s not just the “find the house” plan, here. It’s the “find out who the heck y’all are now” plan. You’re brothers, and you’re equals. You’re all adults, capable of making decisions, and you all deserve the agency to make those decisions, especially after who knows how long with Anti taking that away from you. You know this, Jackie. It’s just like with Jaimer at the airport. Just because you’re big brother and you’re looking out for them doesn’t mean you get to control them or keep them in the dark. Remember, Jackieboy—you love by telling the truth.

There’s a slight rearing back from the camera from the four oldest, while Dapper just fixes his haunted eyes on you, mouth taut.

“Hey, hold on,” laughs Red nervously. “I am Blue’s twin. Always.”

Blue chews on the end of his nail, looking at the grass. “But not literally.”

“What’s the difference?” snorts Red, shaking his head. “We don’t remember anything before Anti reset us and we’re pretty much identical.”

“But so are all of us,” adds Blue.

“Look, this is the way things are,” says Jackie, his anger turning more and more rapidly into distress. “Why are we trying to change things? You’re my twin, and Dok and Trick are twins, and Dapper’s the little brother, okay? And I make the decisions when Anti’s not around. That’s how it goes. That’s how it goes!”

“Ro,” protests Blue. “Look, I know you got used to us living one way, but it was a monster who taught us to live like that.”

“I don’t care,” snarls Jackie, his eyes starting to burn. “I don’t care, that’s - that’s how things are. That’s how they are!”

Blue rubs at his face, shaking his head. The others are beginning to notice something wrong now too, Chase laying his hand on his older brother’s shoulder. Jackie pushes him away, his fists clenching and unclenching.

“You’re just parroting things Anti told us,” says Chase. “I don’t think you even believe that I’m too dumb or broken to make my own decisions, and I think you already knew we weren’t all biologically twins. I think that’s just the way things have always been.”

And Jackie does not like change. Blue grits his teeth as Jackie strikes the swing a second time, scaring Henrik again.

“Jackie, you have to stop. We can’t keep doing this day after day. You have to stop. I don’t know what to do to help you be less overwhelmed. I know making change is hard but - ”

“Stop telling me what to do,” protests Jackie, his shouting turning into whimpers. “Stop, stop. That’s not how this goes.”

He clutches his head, eyes squeezed shut. Chase reaches for him again and Jackie shoves him away, drawing a gasp out of Henrik.

“Stop cause you’re scaring Dok,” says Blue firmly. “Jackie, take a break.”

Jackie seethes through his teeth, eyes still closed, and for a second Blue thinks his brother is going to lose it again, lashing out, wild and out of control, but Jackie just sinks to his knees on the porch and curls down over himself, his forehead against the wood, bowing to the forest and hugging his knees.

“Okay, let’s just breathe for a second,” whispers Blue. “Okay. We’re okay.”

nikkilbook asked: Not sure how else to say this, but yes, you are messed up. That would be the trauma. The pathways and frequencies in your brain have been significantly altered because your brain has stored a whole mess of memories in unhealthy places, and that’s on top of the atypical wiring your brain already had. Regular stimuli goes in and who the frick knows what’s coming out the other side. It’s hard, and it’s upsetting, and yeah, it’s messed up. It’ll be okay—we’ll make sure of that—but that doesn’t make it less messed up in the moment. Jesus rose on the third day, but he was also kinda dead for the other two.

“Do… you guys really think Dok is just… lost?” asks Chase weakly, when long minutes of slow breathing have passed, and the wind has been the only one speaking.

Blue opens his mouth with optimism, because it’s his job to comfort Chase, to reassure him, to make him feel better -

No. That was his job. Now he’s his equal. His sibling. His friend. And maybe he needs to be a little more honest, not just for Chase’s sake, but for his own, because he thinks this despair might just eat him alive if he keeps it in any longer.

“No.”

He sees the movement of Dapper signing in his periphery and blinks as he realizes that a moment of silence from him and Red has allowed their youngest brother to speak.

“No, he’s still Dok. Henrik. He’s still him.”

Chase blinks at him, moved more than he thought he would be. “Really?”

“Yeah,” knocks Dapper a little shyly, shrugging his shoulders. “I know what it’s like to just be stuck in your own head. To be stuck in your room or in your catatonia or in your fear. But it’s still you. You just have to do what you have to do to protect yourself. Dok hid because he was strong enough to find a way to protect himself. He didn’t give in. He hid, but that’s not weakness. Sometimes all you can do is survive another day.”

Jackie hears himself let out a shuddering breath. That’s something he understands, at least. Sometimes all you can do is survive, even if you fail at every other thing you wanted to do and be. Even if you can’t even speak or take care of yourself or connect with the world anymore. Survival is strength too. Henrik is surviving.

Chase touches Henrik’s chin gently, trying to get his attention, fleeting though it might be, and Henrik gazes back at him, quiet and calm. There’s no message in his eyes and no words in his mouth. But after a long moment, his hand rises slightly and, as if by instinct, presses against the muscles of Chase’s shoulders just like he always used to do, to ease his pain through the long night.

“I do still see him,” murmurs Chase. “But I’m just scared that… maybe he’ll be like this for the rest of his life.”

Jackie has slumped back against the door to the porch, exhausted.

“I guess we’re all pretty fucked up right now,” Chase offers weakly, and faint laughter comes from his siblings, all gathered together.

“We’re all a little messed up,” says Blue. “Even big brother?”

Jackie snorts, rubbing at his face. “Yeah. Definitely.”

“And maybe everyone should have some help making decisions, not just little brothers?”

Jackie tries to smile for his sake, looking away. “It’s going to take me some time to get there, if that’s what you want.”

“I know you want the others to be allowed to be themselves again,” Blue entreats him, scooting closer to him on the porch. “What if that starts with us letting them make some of their own choices? Even if you are a good leader - and dammit, Jackie, you are, you really are - we still have to make sure that we don’t do what Anti did. We have to start seeing each other as equals again. As capable despite what we’ve been through.”

“Then I’ll do it,” mumbles Jackie, but under his breath, he adds: “It might just kill me, but I’ll do it.”

“Maybe this is what it is to be dead for three days before you can rise,” says Dapper. “For all of us. Darkness before dawn. Or winter before spring?”

“And a beautiful summer afterwards,” sighs Chase, looking out at the green trees and cool sky.

“Well,” Blue says, clicking his pen and settling himself down there in the middle of all his brothers. “If Dok is this way forever, then we’ll take care of him. But in the meantime, I think we should try everything we can. What if we just started our plan - our one step - with what Dok needs. That’s something we can all work on together, right? One thing we can do this week for Dok, and what we should aim for in the future. What do we think?”

crystalninjaphoenix asked: Well that's... a lot. But, believe it or not, I think it's good to get these feelings out in the air, even if this wasn't the most... delicate way of going about it. And please, please take care of yourself, too, Jackie.

“I want to stop scaring Henrik,” says Chase, sudden and loud, and when everyone looks at him, he sinks back again, squishing his shoulder to Henrik’s.

“Like… the yelling?” asks Blue.

“Yeah, like the yelling,” sighs Chase. “And the hitting stuff when we’re angry. And being loud or angry around him. I know he seems so spaced out - I know that - but I can tell he still gets scared. Last night when it rained, he was thrashing around and crying, and I could just think about him abandoned out on that porch, chained up in the rain or the heat while the bugs ate at him and Anti just… attacked him again and again.”

Chase turns away, teeth gritted, pressing his face against Henrik’s shoulder. His brother rocks, rocks, rocks, and for once - for the first time in a long time - everyone else is quiet as they wait for a brother to speak.

“So I wish we could stop the yelling,” continues Chase meekly, when he’s ready. “And the lashing out. And fuck, Jackie, I know you try so hard with your temper, man, and Blue, I know you have some shit going on too, and Dapper sometimes gets a little out of control when he’s psychotic or triggered, but guys, we just have to set down some rules, cause this is too much.”

“I don’t like the yelling either,” Dapper adds. “None of you listen to me when you’re yelling. Sometimes you won’t even look over because you can all be loud and I can’t, not like that. Everyone stops paying attention to me. And it’s hard enough for me to keep track of everything I hallucinate hearing when things are quiet, let alone when everyone’s screaming. So I think that when we’re angry, we should sign instead of speaking out loud. When we start to get angry at all, we should sign. Less scary for Dok. Less loud for me. Easier to stay calm for everyone.”

Jackie is staring at Dapper, eyes wide. The look in his eyes could, at first, be mistaken for awe that his little brother could contribute like that, or shock that he spoke up at all, but if you look at him closely, you will see that look for what it is - recognition of a brother he has met once or twice before, clever, competent, talented Jameson. The same man who cleaned him up after a gunshot wound in Colombia or lead him carefully through a past he had forgotten or shared his pain for so long before they found the others.

But there is still the fear underneath. How long until he loses himself again? When will it become too much for him? I have to protect him so I never have to see him in pain again.

And operating within the system Anti forced onto them is the only way he remembers to do that.

“Dap,” says Blue. “That’s a really good idea.”

“Yeah, I’m up for it,” says Chase.

And Jackie’s little brothers all look at him, because despite the temper, despite the fear, despite his desperate clinging to the system he was taught with blood and pain for so long, they still trust him to be their leader.

Fuck, he would die for them in a heartbeat.

“Yes,” he says. “It’s a really good idea. Please remind me if I get angry and forget to do it. I’m sorry for my freak-outs. I love you all.”

nikkilbook asked: Hey, guys—have we considered giving Schneep an AAC board? Like, nothing too terribly complex, maybe just yes and no to start with, but I have a feeling. Judging by what I’ve seen so far, it’s like parts of his brain and personality and fine motor skills have gone to sleep, for protection, but he still responds to certain things including the cameras. I looked it up, and Esteban, from his book, is a twin who lost his brother and whose well-intentioned choices always seemed to backfire. I think he can still recognize things on a conceptual level. He may not always use it, but it gives him the option of a voice.

“Does he still respond to things?” asks Blue. “You said he was scared of the rain.”

“Yeah, he responds to, like, stimuli,” says Chase, frowning. “But I don’t know about communicating. He doesn’t nod or shake his head when I give him options or anything like that. He kind of smiles at me when I talk to him sometimes, like he can tell someone’s talking to him, but he just doesn’t know what they’re saying or what’s going on.”

“Well… maybe we could start with more yes and no questions,” suggests Blue. “Try to get him back in the habit of responding. And then maybe a board with pictures? And we can do things like give him options and show him the options? We need to get him responding again if we can.”

“If we think the problem is that he’s still hiding because of what happened to him, then we need to get him feeling safe again,” says Jackie. “Which means having enough to eat and finding a stable home.”

“Those are kind of long-term things,” says Blue. “Is there something we can do right now other than signing instead of yelling?”

“I say we stop beating around the bush and skip to the obvious,” says Jackie stubbornly. “He needs a brain scan and a psychologist. I was planning to take him as soon as I check that we have fake identities set up in the health care system. And that those identities aren’t, you know, going to get us arrested when we show up.”

“Can you do that today?” asks Chase hopefully.

“Sure. I’m already in the wifi. Only thing is I’ll need to use that, uh, phone.”

“The one that was in Anti’s room?” asks Blue nervously. “It could still have stuff of his on there.”

“I know,” sighs Jackie. “But I don’t have any other means of checking and we can’t afford a new phone right now.”

“It’s important that we get some health care, for sure. Just… be careful, okay?”

“Won’t the doctors be suspicious of all his cuts and bruises and everything if we get him checked out?” asks Chase.

“That’s a good point,” says Blue. “Cause we all need physicals. None of us are in great condition. Jackie at least has been working out.”

Jackie perks up from his weariness for a second, puffing his chest up a little and sitting up.

“We can all go to different doctors. That will help ease suspicion.”

“But… what do we tell them about all these scars and injuries and everything?”

nikkilbook asked: it’s weird, Jackie probably wouldn’t tell Chase or Henrik if they asked. But he’s looking at his little brother and thinking about how Jameson was taught not to speak about this sort of thing and that affection and support are petty and ridiculous and stupid, and he feels like he owes it to JJ to look at him as his complete equal and give him the full truth.

so he just melts

and starts telling JJ everything that’s on his mind, everything that scares him, sinking in on himself, knowing he looks weak, and JJ gets this bizarre though “huh, we’re actually the exact same height, I always thought he was taller than me??” and then five minutes in they’re going “oh, i totally feel the same way sometimes” and “wow i get that too and it’s like i want to yell at my brain to stop freaking out because I KNOW how stupid it is - ” “ - but I just can’t! yeah, exactly! what the FUCK, brain??” and they’re kind of laughing and kind of shaken and kind of have never trusted each other more and eventually Jackie falls asleep against JJ’s shoulder and Jameson gets to be the one who’s on watch, who’s on guard duty, waiting for Chase to come home and Henrik to need him and making sure that Jackie’s okay. and it’s empowering for him as a person, and teaches him a lot about healthy coping and friendship, and he’s never been more devoted to Jackie, because while Anti demanded this overwhelming adoration, Jackie is willing to trust JJ in return. and JJ recognizes it, immediately, as a better kind of love than anything Anti ever asked for - love that shares, trusts, validates, love that knows how to show weakness sometimes.

Jackie’s eyes fall, ashamed, while Blue and Chase continue to exchange options. For a moment, he looks up, and there’s Dapper looking at him.

“Do you really think that I’m too broken to be my own anymore?” Dapper signs, and Jackie realizes that there’s nothing accusatory in the question, nothing demanding. He’s really asking.

Jackie bites his lip, looking away again.

“Dapper… it’s my job to look after you. You’re so sick… could you live on your own right now?”

“Could you?” Dapper answers.

Oh.

Jackie sits back for a second, blinking.

Oh. He couldn’t. No.

He stares at Dapper, open-mouthed, and his little brother stares back, grief in his eyes.

“So what’s the difference then?” asks Dapper wearily.

Jackie rubs his face. He has to decide if he really wants to say what he’s thinking or if he should let it go. But they’re trying to be honest, right? Is that a form of love? Is that a form of equality?

“Dapper,” he signs. “I helped kill Anti. You didn’t.”

Pain flashes across Dapper’s face, so intense that Jackie almost reaches out to keep him from collapsing. But Dapper just jerks away from him and turns his head.

“Dap,” Jackie demands, snapping for him to look. “Dap, I just - I just need to protect you, okay? And you’re not well right now.”

“You think I don’t feel that too?” asks Dapper, eyes shining now, damp and watering. “Don’t you know that for more than a year now all I have wanted is a chance to take care of one of my brothers? To take care of anyone? But I was stuck all alone in that room, helpless to even hold you, listening to you all scream and beg and suffer. Don’t you know how much it meant to me when Anti let me look after Chase after his attempt or when you let me bandage you when you were shot? Oh, God, all I could do was pray and survive! Jackie, do you know what I would do to have the privilege of being the big brother for just ten minutes?”

Jackie is speechless. Jackie is silent. No, he didn’t know.

“Jackie,” whisper Dapper’s hands. “Red. I don’t know if I can take care of myself or make good decisions anymore. Maybe after so long being treated like a baby, I just forgot how. And maybe I need a lot of help when I’m unmedicated. But I know one thing for sure - if you don’t start believing in me, I don’t have a chance in hell of making any progress if you want to make me your little locked-away, safe-from-the-world baby brother like Anti did.”

“I can’t see you get hurt again,” whispers Jackie, forgetting to sign now, dropping his hands. “I can’t. If I have to lock you away…”

He remembers handcuffing him in Colombia. The betrayal in his brother’s face. The grief. And worse than the grief - the acceptance of his fate. Worse than death.

“Let’s talk about this now when you’re medicated,” signs Jackie, sitting back. “For now, please let me take care of you.”

“For now, I don’t think I could do much else.”

“Okay. Kiss, hug, love.”

“Love,” Dapper signs back, forgiving. “Love, love.”

nikkilbook asked: You told Jaimer you were going for a run. You trusted him to let the others know, and to do something if something went wrong. You can let him and the others be the big brother in small things, too, like be the shield between you and a crowd when you’re overwhelmed or watch over you when you need to lie down and let the world stop for a second. Big brother doesn’t have to mean “the one who’s in active danger all the time so that the others are hidden behind he-who-is-nothing-more-than-a-shield-of-ablative-meat.” Sometimes it just means “he-who-is-doing-the-hugging.”

Jackie keeps watching Dapper even as he turns back to Blue and Chase’s conversation. He can’t focus now, not on anything but this.

It’s true, he supposes. Anti is gone. No one is here who will force him to be their shield, their protector, the attack dog. It’s freedom again, the same as when he goes for a run in the morning without being scared that anyone will punish him for it when he goes home.

But this does not feel like the running does. This is the other side of freedom.

Because if that isn’t what big brother means, then what does it mean?

If that isn’t who he is, who is he?

Too much. Too much, too much. This is not how things are supposed to be. This is not how things are. He leans back against the door and watches quietly as his brothers keep talking, distressed every moment that they will not let him make the decisions for them.

nikkilbook asked: Do you know if it would help for, when your “regular” monsters are attacking, to tell us about it? I get the feeling that maybe the others would put more of their energy into trying to tell you that they aren’t real, or that you’re safe, and from what you’ve said and what I’ve seen, that doesn’t seem to be what you need? Cuz you’re smart, Jaimer. You know they aren’t the kind of real that your brothers can see or the kind of real that will leave physical marks on your skin. But that doesn’t really matter, because they are your current reality. Maybe you can tell us about the red man and the birds and what the monsters whisper to you, and if you need reassurance that they aren’t the hurt-you-kind-of-real, you can look through our viewport.

And can you let us know what Anti whispers to you? And what he says while he is wearing the others? Because I think you might be the only one to be seeing that reality clearly.

“Okay, so for Dok we have: seeing a neurologist, letting him make some easy choices if we can, and keeping the fighting… less intense. Right?”

“Right,” says Chase, who seems to have taken a liking to the list idea, curled over Blue’s shoulder as he writes on the little napkin. “Yeah, and talking to him, just don’t talk to him like he’s dumb. He’s still there, he’s just sleeping, kind of.”

“Okay,” agrees Blue, ink seeping onto his knees as he writes against them. “Dapper, what do you think you need?”

“What?” Dapper’s drawn out of his conversation with Jackie, turning back to his siblings.

“What do you want for, like - like what’s the plan for you, you know? We’re going to go through with everybody, okay?”

“I just want my medication.”

“What, that’s it?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I’ll get an appointment scheduled once Jackie’s checked that we’re in the system. We can get that. But don’t you want to work on other stuff?”

“I can’t work on anything while I’m unmedicated.”

“That’s really not true, honey,” protests Blue. “Come on, how about telling us when you’re hallucinating?”

Dapper shrugs, closing his eyes.

“You don’t think that would help?”

“No.”

“Dapper, come on - ”

“I just need my medication,” he signs, slow and whining, looking up at Blue with those big eyes and long eyelashes, his mouth pouting. “I just need my - ”

“How about working on the fact that you still act like a fucking six-year-old?” snaps Blue, clicking the pen shut.

The childishness falls out of Dapper’s face. His mouth twitches coldly, his eyes narrowing, and he smiles, just a little. Or maybe sneers.

Blue turns away from him. He’s not guilty, not yet. He just can’t look Anti in the face like that.

nikkilbook asked: Hey, JJ—I think you’re right, we’re in addiction territory. I’m not an expert or a professional, but I did learn recently that with some drugs it’s insanely dangerous to quit cold turkey. Is there something we or your brothers could do to fill the gap until you’re a little more even-keeled and ready to make a decision about who it is you want to be?

“Just get your infant brother his fucking meds, how about that?” signs Dapper bitterly, getting to his feet. “Oh, and by the way - this isn’t me breaking down. You wait until I snap in half, Blue, and on that day you can turn away from me like I’m something you killed a long time ago.”

“You’re not going to snap in half,” mutters Blue, his irritation overwhelmed by his desire to be able to help his little brother, because he has to, because he loves him, because that’s his job. “I’ll get you whatever you need.”

“I want my brother,” cries Dapper, throwing his head back for a second. “If he’s going to talk to me all the time why can’t I just have him? Why’d you kill him, you just took away the touch of him…”

“I’ll get you your meds, Dap. I will. Okay?”

“I want my brother… How are you all going to control me when I’m really sick? Somebody has to be around to control me.”

“You can figure this out on your own with a little help,” says Blue. “Just… please help me make some goals here, okay? Please.”

Dapper stares at him, eyes hollow. Chase makes a face at him from the swing, mouthing a little plea of his own, and Dapper sinks back onto the porch, tired.

“I just want medication and to be left alone, okay? Don’t you know how much safer I feel when somebody else is… look, I just… can’t do this, can’t think, I’m tired…”

Blue bites down hard on his mouth, eyes flickering to the ground. Fuck, he couldn’t express in words how much he hates it - watching him grieve Anti, watching him act the way Anti taught him, seeing the remnants of him in his little brother. The truth is that lately, he doesn’t think he would even know what Dapper would look like or act like or speak like if he ever got rid of that influence on him. He thinks he would be a lot less fucking pathetic, that’s for sure. How can he goddamn stand to keep acting like this?

“Okay, fine, okay,” he says, because he’s the one who makes the decisions when it comes to their brothers being okay, and he knows Jackie will leave this to him. “We’ll talk about it more later. And if you just kind of need to keep pretending nothing’s changed for a while, okay. But we’re going to have to start facing this, and soon. Would you just - dammit, Dap. Can you just tell me why you even cling on to this version of yourself?”

Dapper stares off at the trees, face cool again.

“He still calls himself Blue,” laughs Anti from somewhere beside him, close as he ever was, mouth next to his ear. “He’s projecting because you two are the only ones who remember the day I killed every other version of yourselves that ever existed.”

Anonymous asked: "Big brother" has been tainted and coded by blood and pain. All of you need to unlearn many survival behaviours, but unlearning the 'big brother' system is one of the most important. You need equality and to treat each other like capable adults. None of you are above the other. Rebuild your brotherhood with good things and happy memories. You've all changed, sure, but you never had to stay the same. Make yourselves anew and build off good things! Change should be welcome and good.

“Do you want to do some goals, Jackie?” asks Blue.

Jackie meets his eyes and knows he needs him to have his back on this one. Okay, get it together. “Right,” he says. “Uh, yeah, sure. I know I got shit to work on, I always have. I just think that when my temper’s getting out of control, I just need some space. So please don’t try to follow me or anything. I’m going to figure out how to control this, but right now I just need to be gone when I’m mad. Because I never want to be… yeah, well. I’m going to get better at it.”

“Okay, yeah. We can do that, right?” asks Blue, and Chase gives him a big smile in agreement.

“Sure, Blue.”

“Thanks, angel,” purrs Blue, squeezing his wrist fondly.

Jackie fake gags and rolls his eyes. “Anyway, I also just want to keep working on the material stuff. I’m going to keep trying to find us some housing and I’ll keep food on the table, okay? I’m going to get a job!”

Blue blinks, hand falling from Chase’s wrist. “Whoa, what?”

“I was thinking like something in technology,” says Jackie. “Doesn’t have to be something fancy, we just need to get some money coming in.”

“I thought we were filing for unemployment,” protests Blue. “Maybe even disability for Dap and Dok. There’s good benefits around here. You don’t have to get a job right away, Jackie.”

“I’m going to,” says Jackie. “What are you talking about? I’m going to take care of it. I don’t want us to have to worry.”

“Well, I’ll work then,” protests Blue, sitting up straighter.

“We both can. Sure. Maybe together! I’m going to go look for jobs later. And a safer place to stay.”

Blue’s mouth feels dry. He doesn’t know why it makes him nervous. Chase sets his chin down on the top of his head and he laughs weakly.

“I just - they’re right about the big brother stuff, you know? You don’t have to - ”

“I want to,” says Jackie. “I thought you knew I wanted to do that? I want a job.”

“Um. Okay. Okay. I’ll put it on your list, then. I… yeah.”

Jackie nods firmly, uncurling from the ball he was in and smiling again. Chase looks at Blue, a worried little grin on his mouth.

“Maybe Ro’s not the only one with some big brother issues,” he mutters.

“Hey, I’m not being overprotective,” Blue grumbles back. “You keep your cute mouth shut.”

Chase laughs. “Okay, dude, whatever you say.”

crystalninjaphoenix asked: A bit of a tone issue there, Marvin, but I do agree with the concept. Dapper, acting like a kid has helped you with Anti, we know. It's a coping mechanism that's served you well in the past. But it's going to cause problems in the future. Medication is good, but it won't help you with that particular issue. And Marvin: you lash out a lot. It can hurt people. We need to acknowledge both these things in a more peaceful way before we can work on them.

“I wouldn’t lash out if you just - ”

Chase thwacks him gently in the back of the head and shuts him up.

“Hey, I think that’s really fair, saying that,” Chase agrees. “If we can come back to it for a second. A coping mechanism. Because that’s… what it becomes. As someone who’s… been where Dapper was, if not for as long. You act - you act how you have to act to get even just a mouthful of attention…”

“But - but Anti’s gone,” protests Blue. “How long will it take for that to set in with him?”

“I’m not a hundred percent sure Dapper knows that,” replies Chase quietly, dropping his voice again. “So just cut him a little slack. It’s, um. Really hard to wake up from that.”

“I was just thinking about that,” laughs Jackie. “Like when Dapper’s acting kiddish it pisses you off, Blue, but then Chase is just your lil Amata, haha. You don’t want Dapper to be a baby but Chase just acts like he’s Trick again when you two are hanging out.”

Chase and Blue both freeze in unison. Chase jerks back from Blue, staring at Jackie.

Anonymous asked: I know change is absolutely terrifying Jackie, as a fellow autistic person I know that it can feel like hell. Your brothers need you to loosen the reigns. They need to be able to think for themselves. In Peru at one point, someone asked JJ what would happen if Anti was gone. He said "Red would become the new Anti." And frankly with the way you're headed you will just become the new Anti. Give your brothers freedom to choose for themselves, like Anti never did. Be everything he wasn't for them.

“Wait, what?” shouts Red. “You said that about me? Dapper?”

“I’m not still acting like Trick,” whimpers Chase, sinking back against the swing. “I’m not, I’m - I’m being good, I’m - ”

“Amata, stop it, guys, we need to sign if we’re going to get mad or Dok will get stressed - ”

“Dapper? You think that, you really think that about me, is that - hey! Look at me at least!”

“Guys - ”

“And yeah, Chase, you do, man, come on, I thought you knew that? You don’t let Dok out of your sight and you’re still pretending like everything’s fine. You think we don’t all hear you crying your heart out at night? Then you’re just Anti’s little sunshine boy again in the morning.”

“Red! Fuck you! That’s - ”

“Don’t call me Red!”

“Okay, okay!” screams Blue, and the porch splits open as bitter milkweed bursts up from the ground. “Stop it! That’s enough hard truths for one day, just - Jackie, alone time, that’s what you said you - ”

“Yeah, I guess it is better for me to be alone,” shouts Jackie, his eyes burning. “Since you just think I’m going to - that I - fuck, don’t you know I’m sorry, I - I’m going for a run.”

“You just went for a - ”

“I said I’m going for a run!”

And he’s off like a shot even as Blue is distracted by Chase grabbing Henrik and rushing back into the house, wiping at his face frantically.

“Chase, honey.”

“I’m not your honey, Blue!”

The wind parts the grass. A cuckoo bird repeats its trill again and again. A car passes by.

Blue slumps against the door, rubbing his face.

“Well, that went great,” he whispers.

Dapper’s still there on the stairs, his head lowered and his hands clutching his ears.

“Come inside, Dap,” whispers Blue, moving towards him. “Hey, come on.”

“If I go to my room, I won’t ever come out again.”

Blue’s chest aches. He closes his eyes and presses his palms into his face, feeling almost faint.

“You do get mad at me but not Trick,” signs Dapper slowly. “Because you don’t like me.”

“No,” cries Blue, sitting down beside him. “Hey, don’t say that. I love you. Dapper! I love you, I love you.”

And he wants to hold him like he holds Chase, to grip his wrist or stroke his hair or hug him or anything, anything, but he just - he just doesn’t.

He just can’t.

He realizes a moment later that Dapper can’t either, because his pale, scarred hand is hovering in the air like he might just touch clasp Blue’s shoulder -

But he doesn’t.

He doesn’t.

And Blue doesn’t know why, but he realizes that in the end, it might just be true, this contradiction, this bitterness, this tension in the air between them. Because he loves Dapper, yes.

But fuck, does he hate him too.

Revulsion and grief wash over him in waves. Dapper stares at nothing, face dark and empty. Just the broken thing Anti left behind. Just the brother Blue didn’t save in time.

He gets to his feet and he disappears into the house.

Dapper sits in the wind. He does not move for a long time.

#chapter five

4 notes · View notes