#see my prev post for an example of what i mean

[brainless-moe-white-lotus]

I'm the only person who follows the interiors tag on tumblr and none of you know it because it's all on my little architecture and interiors side blog but like you need to understand that half the tag rn is from gentlemanmotorslifestyle and they're spamming it with interiors that are like clearly AI generated, some of which are insane dune style bedrooms which I find baller but most of them really are these like, inscutible industrial lofts where every single detail is kinda just, like artifact slurry if you focus in on it too long

#see my prev post for an example of what i mean #also that blog sucks dont go on it its mostly sigma male shit

[just-some-sorta-person]

Hiori's words, Reo's Insecurity, and Nagi's Enforced Indifference

+ The Necessity of Communication and Despair

there's no need to read this prev post to understand this one, but it is a continuation/development of my thoughts in that post in many respects.

Hiori's Words

HIORI: "It's not about facing each other, and its no good if one side tries to match... it's a relationship where you can only believe in each other toward the same future. That feels good to me... I feel like I've found a new way to live... Thanks, Isagi-kun"

The newest chapter made me think about the Hidden Path post I made because Hiori's words on expectations really matched what I've been thinking about Nagi and Reo's partnership, and what their end dynamic might look like if it evolves to survive in Blue Lock and become an exception.

What Hiori says is "It's not about facing each other" (focusing on each other on the field), "and it's no good if one side tries to match" (trying to mold their playstyle to someone else). It's about "a relationship where you can only believe in each other towards the same future", - playing with the same goal in mind, no matter how you're playing. This reminds me of Nagi and Reo's dream. Of course, Hiori is referring to interactions with people in general, but I think we can apply this reasoning to partnerships in soccer.

How I interpret this is that the key to maintaining a partnership or duo within Blue Lock or soccer without dooming yourself is the partnership not being based on soccer, but rather existing outside the field as a motivator. This is because if the partnership exists within a soccer context, it bends your playstyle and stifles your potential.

For example, Rin/Sae's duo didn't work because it was based off of Sae being the first best striker and Rin being the 2nd. This created a vision that compared Rin to Sae, which affected Rin. Rin always had Sae in mind - wanting to copy him and comparing himself to him. Because he's supposed to be "2nd best" or "the one that foils Sae", he restricted his vision of what he could do by always "facing" Sae. Rin grew when he stopped focusing on narratives about him created by other people, and embraced his own individual style instead.

In terms of Bachira's dependence on Isagi, the visualization at hand was always a "monster" Bachira could pass to and alleviate his lonelines with. It took form in a way that dictates a playstyle that "matches" others.

Reo and Nagi's dream of winning the world cup together is inherently different because at its core it has no reference to the playstyle they should inhabit or even the dynamic that should take place. Even the emphasis on being together, Nagi takes to mean in goal/spirit, and not physically when he teams up with Isagi.

That doesn't mean, however, that their partnership as it exists is good. They dynamic right now is "facing each other" and "trying to match". But if we investigate the reasons why, we can see that the potential for their dream still exists, because the issue with their dynamic isn't their dream.

Reo's Insecurity

Reo's self proclaimed ego unfortunately matches and faces Nagi, but I think his perception of his role in their dream is subject to change, especially because the basis of Reo wanting Nagi to need him after their breakup, something that could be interpreted as an extension of "I will make Nagi the best striker in the world", seems to be Reo's insecurity in their friendship.

Reo directly states that he feels that if "I wasn't the one who changed you", then he "couldn't stay by your side". If he isn't the one driving Nagi's development, he can't justify their closeness. He later imagines a scenario where he accepts Nagi's independence, stating "If I said that, you'd never come back to me". In other words, if Nagi's soccer doesn't depend on Reo, Nagi will leave him.

You could argue that he's worried about Nagi abandoning their dream and not their relationship, but Reo ultimately seems to conflate the two. When he talks about his dream disappearing, he remembers things that are progressively less soccer related (from a goal celebration, to a piggyback ride after practice, to a bike ride completely off field), then admits loneliness at the thought.

This sentiment returns in the 3v3, where Reo ties winning the match and proving his worth to "Nagi will definitely come back to me". You can see the conflation as well when Reo compares his inability to let go of his "ego" with Barou. The panel shown is a goal celebration, like last time, and special emphasis is put on Reo's smile - it's the joy he felt being with Nagi that he can't let go of.

Nagi saying those words and turning away - this was exactly what Reo feared the most in the entire world. The treasure that he treated so dearly was heading somewhere he could no longer reach.

During the 2nd breakup in the novelization, Reo describes his greatest fear as Nagi leaving somewhere he could no longer reach. It's again the idea that if Reo isn't good enough, not useful enough to Nagi, that Nagi will abandon him and their dream.

The conflation of proving his worth with Nagi's companionship is seen again when Reo discovers the Chameleon technique. He describes the radiance of soccer idiots, picturing Nagi, then immediately afterward describes what he wants, picturing Nagi again.

And it makes sense that Reo would think this - besides Nagi's inept communication skills and own possible angsty complexes preventing him from expressing himself.

No, I'll create a winning track record and make them - my parents - recognize me. ...And the basic premise of this is my own ability. It should be fine if I become so good at soccer that others can't complain

In both Reo's Light Novel and Epinagi, we can see that his parents' acknowledgement is contingent on Reo being not just good, but exceptional. The maintenance of this relationship depends on his abilities and usefulness.

Reo must think the same of his relationship with Nagi - that Nagi's acknowledgement is dependent on Reo's abilities and utility.

Nagi's Enforced Indifference

Aren't tricks and pranks a pain? Count me out. I'd be happy to get candy, and if I don't I'd be sad but that's fine

PWC halloween dialogue from @mzk_70 on Twitter

Nagi has a habit of holding back his thoughts and feelings. And I don't just mean in a funny "shakes the devotion out so Reo can see it" way, I mean in a way where this is a real part of his character that affects his soccer and his relationship with Reo. To be honest, I'm not sure if "Enforced Indifference" is the right phrasing but its the best I could come up with ("Pretend" Indifference doesn't seem right because when Nagi suppresses his emotions he ends up not being conscious of them sometimes. Its dream doping adjacent due to the accepted helplessness, but not quite the same thing...) I and I hope what I mean gets across.

----

Light Novel

In his light novel, he claims to not need a passion and want to "enjoy life" by creating a situation where he can work as little as possible. But, it's fairly clear that doing so little with his life is killing him inside, making him "tired of living anymore". The way he's so grateful for Reo giving him a passion shows that maybe he wanted one but just thought it was impossible and therefore something he should practice indifference toward.

A dream he could be really passionate about…… he couldn't imagine it at all. (Rather than dreaming like that……I want to enjoy life. Ha~ what a pain.) _______________________________ Earn money without overworking and tiring himself, retire as soon as possible, and stay in his game room…… Just as he envisioned such a future, he was shot dead. ... (Why do I get hungry……  If I don’t feel hungry, I wouldn't have to eat.) If you don't eat, you don't have to brush your teeth and you don't have to go to the toilet. ... Nagi was already tired of living anymore.

This can also be seen in how he treated the loneliness in his life. The same "game over" motif used when he envisioned his lazy future is used when Nagi thinks he isn't lonely, a sign that he's in denial with regards to his own suffering. He's lonely, but ignores it.

In Nagi's case, it's not like he's lonely or wants to talk to someone. However, it is also a bother to forget how to speak out loud. Nope, if this society doesn't have a problem with it, it's fine. But surely it’s not. “......Ah, I’ve been shot.” The words "GAME OVER" appeared on the screen.

His loneliness is proven by how he gets Choki - intentionally buying a living creature, and immediately getting attached.

A communication partner should be at least a living thing.

He named it "Choki”*. It was a name he gave without thinking, but when you give a name to something, you get attached to it. That night, he said “Good night” to Choki.

We see this again when Nagi describes himself as weird and claims to be unbothered by his inability to endear himself to others.

In Nagi's case, rather than being a loner, he just liked to be alone, so he had no complaints about being treated as a weirdo. Even though he’s called a weirdo, he's having fun playing games, so he doesn’t mind. Above all, just as those around him thought he’s weird, he saw his classmates as "weird creatures."

But when Reo shows interest in him later, Nagi is hopeful (later happy when Reo says he's fun to be around). We can actually see enforced indifference at work when Reo first meets Nagi.

Something's making him so happy that his eyes are sparkling. Something's making him fired up... is it me? All his life, others have never been interested in him, but he's also never been interested in others. Even his cactus, Choki, doesn't talk to him either. "Let's play soccer!" Nope, don't wanna. It's a pain.

Nagi notices Reo's interest in him and has to remind himself that people don't have interest in him, and he's not interested in anyone. No one talks to him, and he doesn't want to do anything because life is a pain. Don't get your hopes up, remain indifferent. I don't think he's necessarily doing it on purpose, its probably just a defense mechanism that became an automatic reaction.

---

After We Met

Even after he meets Reo, we can see this enforced indifference when he gets fired up, then reverts back to his original state for seemingly no reason. When he gets tagged, he even gets the black smoke, but he reverts. When Reo first asks him to lend him his talent, his eyes shine, but then he goes blank again. When Ego challenges him, he seems a bit fired up, but easily agrees to leave.

He applies this to his relationship with Reo as well. There's hints of Nagi missing Reo, and when this happens, he seems to default to ignoring the feeling.

Even at their 2nd Breakup, the most emotionally stormy moment they have, Nagi does this. Looking at the translation of the novelization by @mzk_70 on twitter, we get insight into Nagi's thoughts.

Reo's words were like a nightmare. --- The day that Reo invited him to play soccer. The day that they arrived at Blue Lock. And the day that they swore to each other they would become the best in the world. Nagi was bitterly disappointed in Reo, who was acting like all those days were lies. "You're the one who's forgotten our promise." "..." Reo looked up at Nagi, shocked. "...I mean... just forget it..." Nagi turned his back, as if to erase Reo's figure from his sight. "You're a pain, Reo. I don't care anymore."

Here, Nagi is clearly feeling horrible, describing the situation as a nightmare. His response is to walk away from the situation "as if to erase Reo's figure from his sight", claiming that he doesn't care. Nagi doesn't succeed at being indifferent here, but he's sure trying.

This also fits with Ego calling him a "self-conscious bastard" and "afraid of getting hurt". It ultimately seems like Nagi is afraid of caring about certain things. Afraid of being hurt. We can see it with how in the egoist bible, nagi doesn't let Reo play his games because he thinks Reo will improve too fast and get bored, which made Reo a bit sad :( . The same reasoning didn't apply to Isagi, who Nagi let play games on his phone, because Isagi can't hurt Nagi like Reo can. We can also see this in how Nagi waited to the last minute to tell Reo his plan because he wanted to avoid seeing Reo mad at him.

This starts to change during Blue Lock. One form of evolution we can see is his goal celebration - an indication of expressing your desires and when you've reached them. At first, he doesn't really celebrate. Then, he pumps his fist, calling it cringe. Then, he's able to go all out.

"We also see this in how he treats Reo. Well, the very first step is Reo and their dream becoming the only thing he's worked toward, and his decision to care about Reo. However, he expresses this with shiny eyes and "you're not a pain". Then, he decides to start making an effort toward their shared goal, though he doesn't choose to verbalize the level of his devotion to Reo. Then after the Manshine Match, and Reo giving some hints that he can't mindread, Nagi openly expresses his gratitude. Something Reo thinks is out of character and unusual of him. We can also see this in how shameless Nagi is in the voice guide script, set after Manshine.

Nagi's journey is far from done, though. there are still certain things he won't tell Reo. For example, he easily agrees to Reo's proposal of aiming for 300 million while thinking of how they were when they first met. Nagi doesn't seem enthusiastic about this goal, and I think on some level he knows it won't motivate him, but he doesn't say anything, perhaps scared of losing Reo again?

Reo then tells him to continue to be himself to aim for the top, but from Episode Nagi, we know that Nagi knows that in order to achieve that goal, he needs to change. His lil "..." and dead eyes prove to me that Nagi has reservations that he's not voicing. Instead, he allows his train of thought to be overshadowed (like the bottles) by Reo's logic, allowing their pattern of awful communication to continue despite the improvement.

Because expressing his wants wholeheartedly is difficult, and risky, and vulnerable, and he's never had to do that before.. Also, the one time he took the most initiative resulted in the destruction of his most important relationship. It's better to deny himself agency....

Communication and Despair

So, Reo and Nagi's partnership has the potential to be functional, but its hindered by their dependence on each other due to external factors. Reo's insecure because he thinks Nagi's partnership is dependent on Reo's utility to Nagi. This causes Reo to frame himself as Nagi's tool in becoming the best. Nagi depends on Reo's initiative because Nagi's still not expressing himself and he's denying himself agency due to not wanting to be vulnerable, causing him to lack initiative himself.

Reo

Reo's issue could be solved in 2 ways. 1). Permanent separation from Nagi, which I think is unlikely for meta reasons. 2). Communication with Nagi, so that he can understand that Nagi's friendship is not conditional. I'm not sure what the journey would look like from there, as its bound to not be that simple, but I do think this first step is key.

Nagi

Nagi's issue is different. His issue is wholeheartedly wanting things, linked actually to his current lack of sustained motivation (beating Isagi being fleeting motivation that dissipated once he scored that goal). He needs to allow himself to find and chase his ego. This ego is hinted to be linked to Reo/their dream

(The runner up theory in my opinion is the idea that his ego is to challenge strong players, but with how his motivation to defeat Isagi dissipated, and how its hinted to be a surface level "false" ego in the linked theory, and the timings of the skull's appearance, I don't personally buy it. Esp with how Nagi cites their dream dying in how Isagi sparked his motivation).

One possibility is that the dream he has with Reo will be challenged by a new rival, but that already happened with Isagi - It got put in danger - and although it worked in getting Nagi motivated, it was only on a superficial level. Nagi started blindly looking to play strong players, while not actually understanding his "deep" ego.

Another possibility is that the dream is challenged by Reo himself. I have difficulty imagining Reo leaving Nagi on purpose, but a miscommunication could occur where Nagi thinks Reo is leaving him for good (when maybe Reo really means for the both of them to improve, the reverse of before) But based off of Nagi's interpretation of their 2nd breakup in the LN, ie, Reo implying that their whole relationship was a lie, as well as the distant way they act afterwards and how Nagi says "I know" to Reo's "This has nothing to do with me", this miscommunication already happened!

I've been implying that Nagi needs to despair.

Isagi beating him didn't give him despair, but rather frustration. (despair-lite, you could say...). I actually recently found an interesting thread on that that someone wrote.

But I haven't stopped to consider that maybe Nagi did despair.

This will age either well or poorly in the next couple of days with the release of Episode Nagi chapter 17 - But given that Nagi's feelings after the 2nd breakup were never defined, what if it was despair? We never see his expression, but its described as a nightmare that nagi decided to erase from his view. What if Nagi despaired and dream doped?

When he reflects on that moment, he doesn't seem to accept his own agency. Rather than engraving the despair like Reo did in the 1st breakup to "win" Reo back, he accepts what Reo says, "You were probably right about me..."

But if you think about it, this makes no sense as a genuine reflection on the situation. What Reo told him is "You've changed. How could yo forget our promise to become the best in the world together?". Nagi may have shown change in the moment he left Reo, but not because he had forgotten their promise.

Nagi then goes on to "Hope" that Reo forgives me, somehow (against logic) - AGAIN contrasted to Reo's "I'll make you say you need me". He accepted the situation as an inevitable result of his newfound interest in soccer, then clung onto the "hope" that Reo comes back to him instead of acting to make it happen

This matches Ego's description very well. Nagi's acceptance of what Reo said as inevitable is a lack of admission of failure. Nagi's hope represents a "Dream that was supposed to come true" that then existed "just for the sake of being chased".

What this establishes is that losing Reo and their dream has the capability to make Nagi despair, whereas being beaten by a strong player can make Nagi feel frustration, but not necessarily despair (despair is probably still possible if it jeapardizes his dream). So far, Nagi has avoided dream doping frustration, but not despair. But Nagi has grown and changed, and he's starting to allow himself more drive.

_______ So___________

For Nagi to want wholeheartedly, he has to despair to realize that its necessary. Some circumstance has to put him and Reo's dream in real danger, and when he realizes this danger, he has to avoid dream doping this time and evolve.

Ah and to bring this back to what I said about Reo, once Nagi obtains sustained, verbalized motivation connected to their dream of winning the world cup, I don't think he would let Reo treat himself as a tool for Nagi's goals. And then Reo might feel rejected, prompting an opportunity for communication that goes well this time. Or if Nagi's despair came from a push/rejection from Reo, Nagi might meet that push by taking action to chase him + take more soccer initiative, plus communicate to even out their dynamic and in that address Reo's insecurity. maybe.

#reo mikage #nagi seishiro #blue lock meta #blue lock #bllk meta #episode nagi #bllk #nagireo meta #nagireo #reonagi #oh god they have had such a chokehold on me in the last couple of weeks...

[pigeonwhumps]

A look at what a BBU Tumblr dashboard might look like!

@bbu-on-the-side

CWs: BBU, pet whump, dehumanisation, everything that comes with that

🐢 turtleonhigh

As you start contemplating gifts for your loved ones, remember guys, a pet is for life, not just for Christmas! If you've never had a pet before, Domestics or Platonics are the best starter pets, but make sure to do your research thoroughly to keep your pet happy and healthy. Additionally, adopt, don't shop! There are so many pets desperately in need of loving homes. If you're insistent on purchasing from a supplier such as WRU rather than a shelter, choose refurbished. Give a pet the second chance they deserve!

🌟 thetruthinourstars

In Liberation this month: The shocking truth of WRU training away from prying eyes

🥸 bookworm420

https://www.liberation.com/20240423457899

(again. A year and a half after the first article and they're still having to expose it because no-one will listen...)

Oh come on, OP, everyone knows that's bullshit, spread by pet lib manipulators. Everyone: this is what bad actors look like!

🦀 just-a-crab

Sources?

#and before anyone leaps on me #i mean both of you #a reminder to always check where informations coming from

🍵 tea-and-pets

If prev was a pet, what would you give them as a little treat?

🐳 awhaleofatime

You guys are sick and perverted fuckers, I hope you know that

🌵 prickle

You're in the minority there mate

https://www.yougov.co.uk/topics/lifestyle/explore/HumanPets

🐳 awhaleofatime

🌞 sunshinestarlight

Stfu and let people have their fun, dude

#if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all #pet love #srsly dude leave us alone #polls

🐭 mouseandsammy

Sammy just adores his new outfit! Look at him go!

🌞 sunshinestarlight

❤️

🪶 fansofafeather

Ew, why am I getting WRU adverts on my dash constantly? Do I look like someone who would buy a pet to you?

🦴

Yes

🪶 fansofafeather

This was originally just a vent, but since you asked so nicely...

Does it help? Does it really?

Sources:

Stats show that 42% of vulnerable young people surveyed are scared of being picked up by WRU. Furthermore, spending on welfare in the UK has decreased by 26% over the past ten years, with ministers even saying that those who need help should become pets and go where they're wanted, where their "place" is. Vulnerable people need help, not encouragement to sign their lives away, and the pet industry isn't helping with that (even if you say that it isn't WRU's fault for merely existing, their adverts aren't glowing examples of a non-manipulative company).

I could go into way more detail, about the manipulation and propaganda, and what's been associated with them over the years, the politicians in their pockets holding up legislation that would hinder sign-ups, not to mention that this is actual, literal slavery, but I'll leave it here for now. If you're actually bothered you can ask, but I get the feeling you're not anyway.

How do you see your future? | YouGov

How do you feel about the alleged forced sign-ups by WRU and similar companies? | Liberation

Fact-check: Has welfare spending increased? | BBC Verify

Secretary for Work and Pensions overheard suggesting that welfare recipients "go where they're wanted" and become pets | The Guardian

WRU adverts 2000-2024 | National Archives

👯 pet-love

Callout post

Be aware. User @/sam-the-multifandom is an active member of the pet lib community, who has engaged in targeted harassment of pet owners and supporters. Evidence is in their top posts. Block and report, and spread the word to other members of the community so we can stamp out this disgusting behaviour.

👁️ eyesonthewall

Oh ffs OP. This is your evidence? Seriously? Stop lying and go back to the hole you crawled out of.

💗 nolongeracult

Proving OP's point right there. I'm former pet lib, and I can honestly say it's the most toxic community I've ever been a part of.

🍰 twopets-twocakes

Even more than the Star Wars fandom? 😝

💗 nolongeracult

YES

#pet love #their choice #petlib is toxic #love your pet #pet for life

#whump #whump writing #whump community #bbu #box boy universe #fake tumblr dash #bbu community

[skitskatdacat63]

thinking so hard about . when exactly in the martian timeline they hated and loved eachother can u help me .. cause after turkey 2010 they had their love moments as well and even in 2012 they had their buddy buddy moments so idk !!! they’re confusing

OH MY GOD IM SO SORRY I MEANT TO REPLY TO THIS AND THEN I JUST COMPLETELY FORGOT, SO: hello :D

This is something I think about often as well. Teammates are a weird dynamic in F1 because you're forced to compete for the same resources and against each other in the WDC, but at the same time have to still think combined for the team, for the WCC. I think teammate relationships are like being siblings or like being in a marriage(actually I think Mark has said this before haha.) You can never fully hate or separate from each other, even if you go through rough patches, because you're stuck together and have had the same experiences, for good or for worse.

Turkey 2010 is funny because I think that was one of their first bad moments as teammates, right? And I love that RBR made them take that couples therapy, "us in our get-along shirt", picture. That's what I mean by going through the same experiences, like yeah they were probably pissed at each other but were also probably bonding over the hilarity/awkwardness of RBR making them do damage control.

I just think it's probably difficult to stay upset with someone consistently when you're constantly working with them, and you've also experienced the highest highs and lowest lows with each other. I think I referenced this in my Martian champagne pics post but it's kinda funny when you look through all of those shared podiums that Mark always seemed to be way more willing to spray Seb and smile at him when Mark was the one who won(Literally 3/4 of the pics from that post when they were both at RBR were from Mark's wins.) Like it was such a "I can't stay mad at you 🤭" relationship with them. Like with Mark in particular, it feels like whenever he got a better result, he was mostly like "I shall forgive your transgressions." But then 2013 was kind of the last straw for him, with Multi-21, and especially since he really was getting crushed by Seb and not even getting any wins like in the prev years. But then, by removing himself from it all when retiring, he was able to take a step back and see what it was like to not be in constant, direct competition anymore.

Idk if I'm the best person to ask as I don't think I'm in any measures a great Martian scholar. But these are my thoughts :D I just think being teammates in such a competitive environment can result in such love-hate relationships and that Martian is one of the greatest examples of how it fluctuates. I think it'd be really difficult to try and parse when exactly they were on good or bad terms. For me, tbh I think it kinda correlates with Mark's results because I think with just that whole situation, where they were in as teammates directly competing at the very top, it was a lot easier for Mark, rather than Seb, to start feeling resentment as he was generally drawing the shorter straw most of the time.

Basically, teammates(Martian especially) are bonded through triumph and trauma

#wow wrote a lot haha #i never ended up posting it but i drafted a post w similar thoughts to what i said here #like how martian has a rly odd relationship bcs yeah they were both competing w each other at the top constantly #but then both of their peaks in terms of results were when they were teammates #so you can't really think of either of their most successful periods without thinking of the other!! #like yeah im annoyed at my teammate for screwing me but hey look at us!! winning the wcc!! #but that thing i said abt podiums is so true hahaha pls look its kinda hilarious to me #but yeah i wouldnt say im a martian scholar or anything as i havent been here all that long #but these are my thoughts!! #teammates in f1 remind me kf what being siblings is like #you go through rough patches and are annoyed w each other but cant imagine what itd be like without them #because theyre the only person who understanda the greater circumstances that youre under and relates!! #i cant find it but theres some quote i really love about not wanting to lose a sibling bcs it is the most unique dynamic #and that is how teammates are to me!! #catie.asks. #martian #sebmark

[transboykirito]

it's the last couple of hours of 2024 and i made a post earlier about it already, but. holy fuck i love you guys. more than i have words for. you mean the world to me. thank you for being there for this messy, hectic, exciting, heartbreaking year.

this year i left my unhappy relationship, shaved my hair, started testosterone, found out i am in fact allergic to testosterone, made a solid concrete plan of moving to new york, fought for my life buying taylor swift tickets, saw my chemical romance in concert, started making porn (and i am working on being unashamed to say this but it's truly my dream job), broke my back, and then i ended the year with a suicide attempt. woohoo. what the fuck happened.

this year is the hardest year i've had since 2021. and 2021 was fucking hell. but it's the last day of 2023 and i'm sitting at my dining table with my cat dozing on the chair next to me, i have my last ever drink on the table and i know when the clock hits midnight, i'm going to really be sober, and i just replied to an email about an official model partnership with a studio, the pay from which will be enough for me to move out of my abusive household next year.

i mean it genuinely, i didn't think i'd be here writing this. after my attempt, aside from not wanting to have survived, i wanted to delete everything and just disappear. i was convinced i didn't belong anywhere, and that people would be happier without me around. it was you incredible, beautiful people who, with your words and kindness and effort and care, who made me stay.

and i'd like to thank a few people specifically. i love every single one of you, and i cherish you all dearly, but there's a few people in particular id like to give my standard shoutouts to (i do this every year and it's not any kind of preference or favouritism, you've all impacted my life and year more than i know how to say, i love you all)

este, @petewenstz - you are the stars. you are the kindest, sweetest soul and i can't believe we've been friends for two years!! your messages that day were so important and impactful and i can't thank you enough for the rationality and grace you handled it with. it was so so overwhelming and you made it less so. i love you, you are starlight and sunshine. i can't wait to see what i can say next year for three years, because every time we spoke this year made me heart feel so light. in the words of our favourite goth-punk blondie, please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh i could recognise anywhere.

red, @xeolf - i love you forever too. i hope we get to meet next year when i'm on my trip, or maybe when i've moved next year. maybe both. you've given so, so much joy and laughter this year that i can't even begin to comprehend how one person on the other side of the world can become so special to me so quickly, despite my best efforts to be detached. you said something a little while ago, in the tags of a post you reblogged from me asking what season reminds you of prev. and, somehow, your response was what made me feel a little more real and human during an episode when i felt like i was some kind of puppet precariously dangled on an invisible string. i think of you whenever i read phantm bullet r any f the web novels. i appreciate you and your words more than you'll ever know.

gabe, @adorabl8dthirsty - we've only just started to really talk, so you're about to learn first-hand how fucking awkward i am, and here's the first example of that. when my friend told me you'd reached out and asked about me i broke down in hysterical sobs. believe it or not, i've wanted to be your friend, i was just so shy to reach out bc i thought you were too cool for me. i'm really glad we talk now. ily, and thank you for being there for all my bullshit and shitposts and meta and everything this year and somehow still wanting to be friends. ily.

aj, @thegayfromrulid - i know this year as been so hard on you and you've deserved none of it. i love you, as unwaveringly as i have since we first met when i was a shy young teenager. this is my last year even being a teenager, i'm twenty in two months. i wouldn't have made it without you, dude. does the adulting thing ever get easier? i have to believe it will. i'm so glad you've had moments of happiness this ear, you deserved them all and even more. i hope next year is gentler to you.

ant, who won't see this because you don't have tumblr - i love you so fucking much, bro. thank you for waking me up by jumping on my bed and whacking me with pillows. thank you for being there when i broke down over my cane. thank you for giving me the disney channel sibling bond i always wanted so badly. thank you for teaching me to restring a guitar, for singing nelly with me in the kitchen, for letting me take you to footy, for letting me see you crying and upset and vulnerable. i love being your brother. i'm so glad your mom lowered her standards enough to marry my dad.

and sugou, the fictional character i despise enough to keep going out of spite - thanks for being an asshole. thanks for being hot enough to make me want to cosplay you. this year, you helped me weirdly heal a part of myself that i gave up on more than a decade ago. i'm better and braver than you, and i'm stronger than my fear of you, and thank you for letting me realise that this year. ps go fuck yourself <3

happy 2024 to us all. i love you guys.

love, taylor

#personal #not sao #i love ever single one of you more than words can even say

[autismsupersoldier]

as upset as i am over deleting my prev account, it has been incredible joy to see how many people reblogged my stuff with "ive reblogged this before and its still amazing" or even people who are seeing my art for the first time. its so lovely, thank you all :-) 🧡🧡🧡 i feel a lot calmer about this whole ordeal.

ok thats the short version of my musings, bit of a ramble below

it was never really about losing my followers for me, or anything like that. though that is also a reasonable thing to be upset over if youre for example trying to sell your art (or for any other reason, actually), but since that wasnt my intention, im fine with rebuilding my followerbase again. i have also noticed that, simply put, it really isn't very much about how many followers you have - what plays more of a role is whether you make fanart that resonates or not. most of my popular posts had more notes than i have followers - hence why i assume this to be true. but all that is to say, the real thing that caused me distress is a lack of archival. i have real bad memory issues, so a big thing for me is being able to archive my comings and goings on the interwebs, so that i always have a bit of a thread linking me to my past self. when a thread like that is lost, its terrifying - i know i am losing months, or even in some cases, YEARS of my past life, that i most likely won't be able to remember at all (yes, it can be that bad). but i think maybe im trying to live with it? yknow... things fall out, more things get put in. its not a good system by any means but its what i was given and i can work with it. i can learn to, at least. theres a reason i even developed such bad memory issues, and that was to keep me safe and well during my Survival Years, shall we put it. so i am not mad at myself, i should not be. maybe its fine to sometimes lose big chunks of your life. who says it has to be terrifying? my brain is just making space for more memories as it can feel our storage running out of GBs, so to speak. im still just trying to make my way through life yknow. im good. sometimes I'll forget. and people will tell me a funny story about myself that i had no idea about at all, ever. and I'll laugh just like them because it's still funny, even if its the first time i hear about it. i dunno. theres obviously bad parts of it and im not going to portray it in an Only positive light, but... im livin with it, n whatnot.

#seriously thank you so much #i feel so happy n lucky #my friends... :-) !!!!!

[cerealmonster15]

🧃🍦🌸🌸🌸

🧃 ⇢ share some personal lore you never posted about before

HMM. tbh i feel like i say a lot about my personal self here LOL for people that read my tag rambles what i can i say that u dont already know... i feel like the only stuff i omit is like, to keep my identity a SECRET lol ummm.

ok i literally couldnt think of anything JSDKLFJDSKLFJSDKLJ. ask me a question if u want maybe ill share LOL

🍦 ⇢ name three good things about a character you hate

H. HEY. HEY. i dont wanna LOL JKFLDJKFLDS truth be told i dont actually HATE hate many characters. it's usually only ones that are like. token creep characters or REALLY super nasty and i dont WANNA talk about those so im gonna CHEAT and just do what i suspect im baited into doing and talk about a character i. hmm. Used To Strongly Dislike. i was a hater but i dont know that i ever really FULLY hated him. but i def disliked him for a while at first lol

and in terms of twst there are at least four characters this could be describing but i have to do leona bc ive had the most character development with my feelings about him kljsdklfjdsklfjklsdj

he really is so smart and perceptive. it's super interesting when i go back and reread stories and how he's shown to either directly or maybe heavily implied to know/suspect something that's going on far before most of the other characters do. he doesnt always. say anything about it to people 🧍 JKFLSDJFKLDS but it IS cool how you can see he's like, paying attention. he's got experience!

it's kinda sweet when he actually does, sometimes, show his care for the younger students. like in rook's lab coat story when epel accidentally bumps into him, and the npc talking to rook is like OH GOD!!! but rooks like nono, it's okay, leona knows not to just pick a fight with a random student for no reason. <- me calling it sweet when leona doesnt bitch at someone i guess LOL but!!! jfkdsjflds it is. and then in book 6 at the start when everyones getting ROBOT KIDNAPPED, this goes hand in hand with my first point - leona recognized the charon soldiers, clocked that they were dangerous, fighting was futile and risky, and just surrendered himself and told ruggie to not start a fight and to just look after the dorm while he was gone, if he ever came back. i was sooooo grumpy at that scene for so long bc of how COOL he was and i did not like admitting leona was being cool ever LOL JFKLSJDFKLDSJLJ but he was 😔 ive come to terms with it. AND in the jpn server's halloween event playful land, [mild beginning of event spoilers to anyone reading this i guess lol] the fact that he showed up late at night to bring everyone back so they wouldnt get in themselves trouble.... like he SAID it's bc he just didnt wanna get blamed for it later, but like, iirc he aimed his lecture at the ENTIRE GROUP, not just jack who he's dorm responsible for. he showed up early morning/middle of the night to do it too, when hes the king of I Love Sleeping. he probably coulda sent ruggie to do it but it was his turn to be in the event so he came and did it himself;;; dskfjdlsjfk listen i think leona is pretty straightforward and a bitch but i do think he still has some sense of care for people even though he'd rather die than admit it KFJSDKLFJSELJ

this might be cheating but i listed like three separate examples in the prev point so whatever. he's funny when he fights with vil and malleus JKLFJDSKLFJDSLFJ and i like when characters bitch at each other for comedic purposes. that is a positive point in my book i like LAUGHING at my SCREEN

i love when im asked a simple question and use ten thousand words to answer lol

🌸 ⇢ do you have any pets? if you do, post some pictures of them

DOES THAT MEAN THREE IMAGES

[WAHOO!!]

#asks #felix-the-lemon-king #tytytyty

[vro0m]

I agree with your prev post btw, however a similar discourse was fueling the bird app a while ago and i’ve been meaning to say something adjacent;

>>This is also all my opinion, i’m also not trying to police f1, Lord knows we have enough of that;

I personally think as long as you’re a journalist, why shouldn’t one be biased? it’s a sport at the end of the day. A technical one so there’s a more quantifiable logic but a sport regardless. I don’t like comparing F1 to other sports but atm that’s what’s lacking (imo). Rivalry makes a sport. it allows like minded people bond over mutual love/distaste (maybe those are harsh words and it gets borderline toxic most times but ygwim). Again, you and you alone are entitled to how you enjoy your hobbies.

I appreciate Max and Lewis fans so much cuz imo they’re the ones keeping the lights on. These drivers haven’t been in a title fight in a while lol but the fans would argue over the color of the sky if they could. Everyday Alonso fans say “if Alonso had gone to… in 2014, he’d have had… championships by now”. Sainz and Leclerc fans as of lately are also at each other’s throats cuz these are great drivers.

When Lewis got announced to Ferrari, people fell to their knees cuz that’s the enemy, that was the death star. Sure this may not be our grand parents Ferrari and here we sing and do marshmallow challenges now but it’s a long rivalry. Mclaren-Ferrari, Red Bull-Mercedes. I’m not trying to dissect what was said or what caused what but Toto seemingly trying to cozy up with Helmut and Max felt like backstabbing to some.

delusional takes?… exists everywhere, some driver’s fans have blamed the wind,mirrors, chassis and even his own team sabotaging him for poor performances. saying the other teammate’s win has been “nullified”.

AFCON, Nig vs Cameron, one team absolutely bottled it but the fans were dancing up until the last minute to boost morale. it’s what fans do. Objectively is good but so are biases, it makes us human imo.

These days a lot of the races imo are boring asl. It’s why DTS tries to milk slight disagreements as intra team rivalries. There’s also new wave of fans who’s welcome to the sport ofcourse but i just personally don’t understand this “I love every driver and want to see everyone do well”. If i wore an arsenal muffler with a Tottenham jersey in North london i’m getting jumped over rivalry that’s been here almost 100 years lol.

Again yes it gets extremely racist and parasocial but that’s the toxicity that doesn’t belong in a fandom but exists in most if not all. It’s all capitalism at the end of the day but at the core of it or what it should be is a sport

ps…this long ass essay lol and it’s also one of the reasons imo football socials don’t take us seriously and also calling f1 not a serious sport😅

Yeah that's what I meant by everyone is entitled to enjoy the sport the way they want. I personally think it's fine if you're 100% delulu biased following other like minded delulu biased people if that's what's fun to you! God knows the delulu posts are the funniest on this hellsite!

I understand what you mean with rivalry and I agree but personally didn't find the teamLH-orange army war fun at all because it got nasty really quickly. Fans were hating on each other and very aggressive about their opinions and I don't like that. I like heated arguments fine but when it tips into hate then it becomes a bad experience for most people.

To take your football example, I think singing songs in the stadium, making fun of the other team and fans, it's all playful and part of the culture. But fuck ultras, you know what I mean? I shouldn't be worried about getting jumped when I leave a game. Same thing goes here. The problem is a lot of people get genuinely angry at things and then genuinely aggro and that's not fun. So like I said in my previous post, if getting into fights with other people over these things is fun to you, you do you, I'll personally probably block you cause it's not enjoyable to me.

Imo the difference lies in self awareness. If you're a bit or even fully insane about your fav but you know that you are then it's generally all in good fun. But some people aren't aware that they are being irrational about things and that can get ugly because they take things seriously and get serious emotions about it and send serious hate about it etc. But it's not only bad for other people they might get aggressive towards. I've had anons here be genuinely distraught and/or enraged by the lack of performance at the moment. I've had to ask many a person "are you sure F1 is enjoyable to you?" because at the end of the day arguing can be fun (God knows I looove debating, irl and online, I'm annoying that way) but if you step away from these fanspaces angry, sad, frustrated most of the time, then is it really good for you? are you really having fun?

#vro0m's asks

[maskednihilism]

//2 & 9 for Munday? ~Starlighttrain

@starlighttrain || prompt! ||

ooc.

2. is it hard for you to write with characters you don’t know/don’t know well?

Oh definitely. I mean for example I tried to rp with a multi-muse blog. And it seemed like they didn't wanna rp their Star Rail character at that time (they wanted to focus in on their OCs or something). Okay cool! But what are they like? Aside from knowing what face claim they used for said OC there wasn't anything else to really gauge who that character is like or how they'd act against my muse. And this is just OCs.

For canon muses, sure I can give a quick Google search but like what if the person's interpretation of the character is different? I might go in thinking they're gonna react one way when they're not how they are in canon.

9. when you look at a new blog, what is it that makes you press the follow button? is it the muse, the aesthetics, the writing–?

Well see that's why I must circle back to my prevs answer. This is why I stress having a bio, so I can see how the mun interprepts the muse and how they see how their muse acts. If they act in a way I don't see working out with my muse, I can't.

Rules too, so I know what to expect and how to conduct myself around them.

However there is times when blogs don't have either and I have to bite the bullet and follow anyways. I don't like having to do that though. But sometimes the "no bio, no rules" blogs have muses I do want to interact with, so thats why I give them a shot.

So it's bio, rules and "do they have a muse I want to see interactions with Sampo?" and "how do they write?"

Other misc. things I look for is how accessible their pages are and of course, ratio between actual writing and ooc posting.

It sounds harsh but I have a life and time is precious. If I wasted on someone who isn't going to give me rps I'll be upset.

#starlighttrain #double the pay double the service;; answers #munday asks

[faithlesbian]

in regards to prev post i seriously dont understand what people mean by "female-coded" male characters, which as someone with a url based off my transfemme interpretation of a male character that might sound ironic but i truly dont get it?? like when i say angel is a woman its bc i think he's trans and thats got little to do with him being the damsel in distress in early btvs or any other instances where he might take a traditionally female role in the narrative, bc subversion of gender roles is like part of the Premise Of The Show so if anything him being a Man in those situations is emphasised for contrast.

like i think xyz-coding is one of those terms people complain about losing meaning on social media bc was it not originally a way to signal something to the audience which would otherwise have been censored? as in queer-coding characters that couldn't be textually queer under the hays code? so in turn autistic-coding is writing a character as autistic when that specific word may not be available or understood yet like with sherlock holmes or other characters written to be "eccentric savants" and the like. so what's female-coding? bc i cant think of a situation where someone would be unable to write a textual female character due to cencorship or lack of awareness of the existence of women? and from what ive seen its largely unrelated to trans-coding or transfemme readings of characters its more like 'this character functions as a woman in the story' which unless the author is writing a setting where misogyny is reversed like in the power by naomi alderman for example, how does that differ from a subversion of gender roles? like buffy is a great example of putting a female character in a traditionally male role in a story but that doesnt mean she's male-coded, she's very specifically written to be a woman doing these things and in that sense all her love interests take on a traditionally female role in the story in relation to her, but i never see poeple calling riley woman-coded. im tired and braindead someone explain...

#its not that deep im just confused

[gravitywonagain]

Hey, thank you so much for sharing Can't Cheat Death While You're Digging Your Own Grave! It came up on my timeline and I think it's fantastic!! Do you have any plans to put it on AO3? I don't want to miss out on any future updates so I was hoping you would so I can bookmark it. :D

hi!! i'm so glad you like it!!

there are plans to put it on ao3 eventually, but i tend not to post anything there until it's been through a round or eight of edits by my wife and/or myself. i post a lot of first drafts here, particularly those i use as warmups, that need a lot of work before i'm actually happy with them and i've come to think of ao3 as where things get 'published' if that makes sense? i had also been planning on not putting up unfinished works there again due to my very slow and sporadic update rate for... well pretty much everything, among other reasons.

it does seem kind of silly, though. now that i write that out. as the only thing that is different about tumblr vs ao3 is the audience and the ability to follow the progress of a fic in a more straightforward manner.....

but, with that particular fic as an example, there are three chapters now and i have no idea what the fourth will even be about, let alone when it will be posted. this means that i might want to change things in prev chapters to suit a better overall story line (which is something i'm learning how to do and struggling to reconcile with my current big long fic). but, then again, maybe not. maybe i reserve that for fics that i haven't posted here? maybe something like this fic becomes more of a 'yes, and...' type exercise, and we all just see where it goes together? i could get behind that, i think. maybe.

it would still have to go through edits. (like, that entire third ch should be in past tense based on how i set up the timeline in the first one.) and wife Does Not have time for following along with all of my wips. but maybe that would still be doable. i've posted non-wife-edited fics there before. i could do it again. add her edits when they're made, if they're made.

...

all of which is to say, YES, it will go up on ao3, but i don't know when. possibly sooner rather than later as a direct result of your question ;)

in the meantime, idk, follow the tag (#ccdwydyog), maybe? not sure how well that works. or maybe i can make a note to send you a thing whenever the next ch happens? it'll have to be a very good note, and placed particularly well, so i currently make no promises to do more that try on that one :)

sorry that got a bit more complicated and ramble-y than you were probably hoping for, but you gave me a lot to think about!

thanks for the ask, and thanks for reading my silly little fic! <3

#greywake #asks #idk why anyone would but if anyone does have opinions about this feel free to ask or dm me about them! #i am very open to suggestions here!! #maybe this will finally get me to make a poll...? #thank you greywake!!!!!!!!!!!!

[kaftan]

hey the post about fetishization of asian trans femmes came across my dash and I wanted to hear more about your take on how white trans mascs pull it with the gerudo link example you mentioned. Do you mean the way that Link's biggest feminine gender presentation is through an asian/african-inspired group's cultural clothing in the game (using the aesthetic as a gender-affirming form of orientalism as you stated), or is it that plus additional fandom interaction with the fandom/character?

(same anon as prev long question) If you choose to answer I would genuinely appreciate your perspective! I am hoping that your addition to that other post hasn't brought too much vitriole but of course, this is tumblr. I completely understand if you don't want to get into it further due to anticipated pushback by white transmascs.

(Referring to this post)

Hi anon! Thanks for asking respectfully. Surprisingly, I don’t recall getting much vitriol from that post — just a lot of people who were confused about what I was referring to, but I’ll go over it once and then link back to this post in the future if I have to.

You basically summed it up: link’s gerudo outfit in botw, the one people gush over for being feminine and sexy and, yes, exotic, is the result of west asian / north african clothing being filtered through an orientalist lens. Pairing a veil with bikini-type clothing isn’t just ridiculous in concept and execution, it’s wildly disrespectful to the cultures the outfit was inspired by, where veiling is specifically done for modesty and sun protection. But through white, western eyes, its only purpose is titillation. There is a long colonialist history of this type of art.

The fandom, especially the white transmascs I’ve mentioned (though occasionally it’s also white transfems; it varies according to interpretations of link’s gender), don’t know or care about the orientalism any more than they know or care about the cultures that inspired the gerudo. Not only do they think his outfit looks sexy and exciting, they see the “feminine” aspects of it (again, a misrepresentation of the cultures that inspired it) in a “gender envy” kind of way; as a new way to play with gender instead of a bastardization of existing cultural clothing.

That, more or less, is my issue. My culture’s traditional clothing is not your gender playground. Offensive representations of my culture’s clothing created to excite your western eyes are not your gender playground. Simple as.

#ask #long post #sometimes I wonder if I will ever stop being haunted by the specter of that post. maybe one day

[astermacguffin]

I posted 23,395 times in 2022

80 posts created (0%)

23,315 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@autisticandroids

@thatll-do

@castielsclitoris

@sosaysdean

@castiellesbian

I tagged 5,141 of my posts in 2022

#prev - 454 posts

#ough - 275 posts

#yeah - 183 posts

#spn - 125 posts

#ohmygod - 106 posts

#dta - 101 posts

#goncharov - 101 posts

#asfghkshkfs - 100 posts

#so true - 91 posts

#he - 81 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#intactics voice ​consider 3 sides. now consider what ‘3’ means in the absence of any sides a 3 totally divorced from quantity. consider that

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Wait am I just misremembering things or did Lily Sunder and Cas really barely interact in the ep where they resurrect Jack? Because it's like. Here's a man who helped in the murder of your daughter and now he's begging you to help bring back his son. LIKE. HELLO. That's super fucking compelling. I think it should have been Cas who made the "you know how it feels to lose a child; please don't make us lose him too" plea instead of Dean. I think the impact of that scene would be better (and also more convincing given. You know. Dean wanting to kill Jack for a good chunk of their intial relations lol).

The scene could go many ways. You can have an angry Lily, who rubs it in hard, the irony of their situation. How unfair it is that Cas has the chance to do what Lily failed to accomplish for decades.

You can have a more sympathetic Lily, who looks at the face of this worn and weary angel and sees someone completely different from the merciless soldier she met a long time ago.

You can have different combinations of these and more. I wish there were more fics exploring the dynamic between Lily and Cas. (If you have fic recs, PLEASE send them here.)

78 notes - Posted January 30, 2022

#4

One of the most annoying responses I see when discussing S9 Dean's toxic moments is "oh that's just the Mark which means dean is absolved of all moral responsibility for his actions" which is. Huh?????? That's such a boring and stupid response and it's kinda on par with the way some folks excuse everything that late-seasons Dean does by saying "oh that's just Chuck manipulating him, which means he totally can't be blamed for the things he did" which is also soooooooo.

Like. Okay. On the one hand I kinda get the impulse to go straight to a Doylist explanation and blame the writers for writing Dean in such egregious ways (because it's TRUE) but like. Personally I tend to find that boring after a while. This is my weaker argument.

My stronger argument is that by refusing to grapple with the events of canon by transferring the blame to some other external force (blaming the Mark/Chuck for the Watsonian, blaming the writers for the Doylist), the characters aren't really given justice

What I mean by this is that it leaves the characters in an awkward stalemate.

On Dean's part: "If there's a force external to me that I can blame (e.g. the Mark, Chuck) then I don't really need to grapple with the things I've done." This is harmful not just to himself but to the people around him, particularly his loved ones who are typically the ones affected by his actions.

This type of thinking actually hinders the characters' ability to properly deal with the events and possibly make amends. They have no mechanism for moving on other than sucking it up and brushing things under the rug.

Take, for example, Cas' internality in the face of all of these things that Dean did. It's natural for Cas to feel negative emotions in response to All Of That (e.g. anger, sadness, resentment, fear, etc). However, if it's true that Dean really isn't to blame for all of That, then Cas' emotions have nowhere to go. "Dean has tried to murder my son multiple times and I have plenty of Feelings about this but actually it's not his fault because he's been manipulated by God so now I just have to suck up all these emotions." LIKE. That is totally NOT healthy for your psyche, angel or not.

The characters end up not being capable of grappling with the consequences of things because agency and moral responsibility keeps being shifted into these external forces.

91 notes - Posted February 1, 2022

#3

I know that post-canon baby jack fics are usually written for fluff but EYE personally think they should be used for evil more often. I want a non-god, toddler jack who doesn't remember much of the very traumatic first three years of his life but still has some glaring triggers. Like. For example, toddler jack is EXTREMELY claustrophobic. Every time they enter a small and enclosed space, he immediately cries and starts clinging on dean and going "I'M SORRY I'M SORRY PLEASE DON'T LOCK ME UP" and both sam and dean feel their guts turning, knowing that they did that to jack. The only small and enclosed space that jack tolerates is the impala. Anyways. Society if more post-canon fics grappled with what sam and dean did to jack before giving us a "happily ever after".

91 notes - Posted January 28, 2022

#2

Hey folks welcome to another evil and fucked up fic concept from yours truly:

S13. Okay. Dean is still fucked up with grief, and the combination of fear, anger, and resentment he feels towards Jack is certainly not a good mix. Still, he prefers these latter emotions because at least they're actionable emotions. You can run away or fight that which you fear or resent, but what do you do to the rotting void of grief?

All these negative emotions eventually spiral into some form of paranoia, a constant stream of "What if he turns evil? What if he takes even more from me?" Over and over in his head.

Now. What if. While they're searching the bunker for resources to help them deal with Jack, Dean accidentally stumbles upon something in their storage: a metal crown and a set of spikes. A contraption that Crowley left behind—Naomi's tools.

In fear of Jack turning evil, Dean picks up Naomi's lobotomy contraptions so he can program Jack to "not be evil."

When Dean straps down Jack into the chair, he gives the kid his very first smile. "Don't worry, kid. I'll make sure you'll never lose your path."

When Cas is finally resurrected again, everything's fine and cool and happy. And then Jack goes "Oh yeah I have weekly tuning sessions with Dean." And Cas asks. What "tuning sessions." And he watches in horror as Jack puts on the crown that Naomi uses for the lobotomies.

Cas confronts Dean about this. They fight. Cas was about to leave with Jack. Dean panics; he orders Jack to hold Cas down and prevent him from escaping.

With Jack's help, Dean tearfully straps Cas down to the chair and puts the crown on him. "I'm sorry, Cas. But I can't lose you again."

Everything is fine and cool and normal. If Sam notices some odd behavior here and there, he tries not to think too hard about it. Besides, this is the first time that they had been this happy and peaceful for a length of time, why ruin it?

Eventually, however, Sam can't ignore things any longer. His suspicions eventually lead him into finding out what Dean's been doing this entire time.

Sam confronts Dean about it. They fight. When Sam was about to take Jack and Cas away from there, Dean utters a trigger word and makes Sam fall under his control.

It turns out that this isn't the first time that Sam found out what's happening, and that Dean has been repeatedly rewriting his memories this entire time.

At first, Dean just asked Jack to erase Sam's memories. This plan doesn't work long term because Sam either just rediscovers what happens or regains his memories. Dean then ordered Jack to gradually and discreetly feed Sam some grace and transform him into as close as an angel as possible so that the Naomi's tools would work on him as well.

This bit is from jay @casnation , thanks for this: Sam repeatedly wakes up and tries to get Cas and Jack out of there but they’re programmed to take him to Dean if he does this. Like, he could totally escape if he didn’t try to save them every time.

There will be a point where the brainwashing gets so severe that they basically lose their personalities in a way that even Dean cannot ignore anymore. And so he "reprograms their personalities back" based on Dean's perceptions of them.

Crucially there will also be a point where Dean realizes just how bad he's fucked up (ideally in conjunction with the realization that he's living with three husks with zero personality), but he's trapped himself into a corner. Because he KNOWS that the moment he undoes the programming, they would all run the fuck away from that bunker and leave him alone. And he would rather reprogram them ad infinitum rather than face the consequences of what he did.

Another incredible quote from jay: "Pygmalion carving himself not just a lover but a family."

More stuff below the cut (specifically how Mary reacts to All of This when she returns from the Apocalypse World):

Dean does NOT have the guts to lobotomize his own mother. He can stomach doing it to Sam and Cas because he's already pretty good at ignoring their autonomy. Which means that Dean has to employ more subtle methods of hiding things from Mary.

He can order Cas to reaasure Mary that "everything is fine." He can also order Jack to distract Mary by bonding with her.

Here's another bit courtesy of jay: "Mary notices something is up with Sam first and Dean just says “How would you know? I’ve know him his whole life, he’s fine, you’ve only been back a year!"

Another jay bit: "no thoughts just mary looking up and realizing the bunker is a clockwork recreation of her fantasy of married life with john with cas as her role. and she has no idea what to do"

I have no idea how to end this. We can go with the more horrific route where Mary never discovers what's truly going on and so they're all just trapped there, Pygmalion and the family he carved.

The other option is that Mary finds out. This has two potential outcomes: (1) Mary convinces Dean to undo the programming. They all run the fuck out of there and leave Dean alone to face what he did. Or, (2) In a desperate attempt to keep his family together, Dean orders Jack and Cas to hold Mary down and make her forget what she discovered. The story ends with Dean, tears in his eyes, putting metal spikes in his mother's skull.

(Also. I want y'all to know that there are more fucked up parts to this but those shall remain in the dark corners of our discord chats lol)

124 notes - Posted March 8, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Hypothetical destiel pairings that are sooooooo important to me:

- stanford era dean and s15 divorce arc cas

Imagine Cas seeing a version of the love of his life that doesn't carry the amount of baggage he currently has. A version of his love that has not yet pointed a gun to his son.

- s4 cas and s13 widower arc dean

Imagine Dean seeing this version of Cas. He's so young! And he still haven't died a single death for you just yet. You look at this angel and think: you haven't fallen in all the ways that matter just yet.

- endverse cas and s15 divorce arc dean

Imagine Dean experiencing a whiplash when endverse Cas confronts him and says "in the worst ways, you're a lot similar to my Dean. Sometimes I think you're even worse."

- faith dean and emmanuel cas

You're dying. You're dying and your dad won't even answer the phone but here comes this man, this faith healer who looks you in the eye and says "you're not a machine, Dean." Who looks at you and sees someone worth saving, someone who you can barely see.

- post-rapture cas and mark of cain dean

"I serve Heaven, I don't serve Man. And I certainly don't serve you." Imagine a post-lobotomy Cas seeing his charge at his very lowest and seeing what he's told confirmed by his very eyes. That the Righteous Man is not who he thinks he is.

- s3 dean and post-swan song cas

You're going to hell. You're going to hell and you can't stop it but here comes this angel who has fallen for you, who rebelled against heaven for you. And you can't stop thinking whether or not you were born with this rot, with the curse to poison everything you touch. But the angel says "I would fall again a million times if it means I get to protect you from perdition."

125 notes - Posted January 27, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #Wait the tags list is so fucking funny lol

[greenwitching]

I posted 15,991 times in 2022

77 posts created (0%)

15,914 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@orallech

@floralshark

@sarah-yyy

@softcannoli

@agendratum

I tagged 881 of my posts in 2022

#harper hush - 48 posts

#tagged for me - 30 posts

#self rb - 24 posts

#asks - 20 posts

#ask meme - 17 posts

#very important mutuals - 12 posts

#prev tags - 11 posts

#goncharov - 8 posts

#chengqing - 6 posts

#yes - 5 posts

Longest Tag: 131 characters

#like realistically i know im fine and loved very well by my friends but also i would enjoy being loved romantically once in a while

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Hua Cheng: Look at Dianxia, I would die for him... I would kill for him...

Hua Cheng: Either way, what bliss!

15 notes - Posted March 16, 2022

#4

jodie comer and sandra oh could do interview with the vampire and jacob anderson and sam reid could do killing eve

67 notes - Posted November 23, 2022

#3

love how no one is bringing up the fact that katya's upbringing in the convent has exactly everything to do with her denying her feelings for sophie while also explaining why she would betray goncharov in the first place

85 notes - Posted November 20, 2022

#2

I have a theory that all of bssr's disciples have such shit luck after descending the mountain because bssr and her disciples have been worshiping the crown prince who pleased the gods for years

bssr has been in seclusion for so long, that she doesn't know that the crown prince has fallen twice and ascended three times as three different gods

she doesn't know that the they all pray to the crown prince for luck, that the worse their luck will get

100 notes - Posted February 17, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

@agendratum made me think about jiang disciple meng yao

Meng Yao knows that he's being brought to lotus pier to prove a point, the point being, "If you can do that, so can I."

what he doesn't know is that it's one part pettiness, and two parts removing a problem for his new madam's best friend, but it's not like it matters, his mother is dead, and Yu Furen paid the price the brothel demanded without batting an eye, she even bought him new clothes

he does not call her mother, and he is not expected to, but he is expected to train with Yu Furen's personal maids, rather than with his shidis, no matter how much wei ying and Jiang Cheng hound him to join them, instead

for Jiang Fengmian, Meng Yao follows Wei Ying's example, and calls him sect leader in public, and uncle to his face

he is still expected to develop his golden core, and he still receives his own sword

his father visits lotus pier, along with his legal wife and his legitimate son, but they don't know that Meng Yao has lived up to his surname

they do not know that Meng Yao is the eldest brother among two younger brothers and one younger sister, nor do they know the way all three of them follow after him, not until they see it for themselves

his father doesn't like it, and insists, drunkenly, that Meng Yao means to steal his shimei away from her fiance, he even goes as far to grab the front of Meng Yao's robes and demand the truth, even if Meng Yao has already told it.

he has no such designs on Jiang Yanli, but when he insists, a closed fist raises to come flying at his face, and Meng Yao forces his eyes shut, but the hit never comes

instead, he's dragged out of his father's grip, and pulled behind his shidis, and his shimei standing beside him while she tries to hold him up, both of their knees shake while Wei Ying and Jiang cheng try to argue respectfully to Jin Guangshan

in the end, they're discovered by Jiang Fengmian, and all three brothers are made to kneel in the ancestral hall, but Jiang Yanli still smuggles her brothers their lunches

Meng Yao doesn't dare argue when he's set onto a boat with all three of his siblings and sent to Gusu to study for a year, nor does he blink when he's asked to keep Wei Ying in line for as long as he can

103 notes - Posted January 24, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #*strikes pose* 94 percent of my posts were untagged #everyone saw that coming

[allonsy-gabriel]

I posted 13,495 times in 2022

That's 2,012 more posts than 2021!

18 posts created (0%)

13,477 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@guardiansofgahooleonwii

@randomarcher2013

@be-they-do-crimes

@dip-the-stick

@i-love-jack-o-lanterns

I tagged 918 of my posts in 2022

#mo core - 236 posts

#@ ella - 176 posts

#our flag means death spoilers - 23 posts

#me - 15 posts

#prev tags - 10 posts

#me core - 8 posts

#mingo core - 7 posts

#also - 7 posts

#me at work - 4 posts

#goncharov - 4 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#abbreviated middle name which was the trans name for a few years before i got sick of it but there are still people who use it bc we're not

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

watching ep. 7 of shadow and bone is a mind fuck because for the first 15 minutes my brain was like "Caspian! our Boy!" like no. not the Boy. evil. keep it together.

17 notes - Posted February 2, 2022

#4

babe are you okay? you haven't even touched on the fact that goncharov (1973) is an example of collaborative creation in its purest form. we are building new stories and new worlds together. we are looking at mistakes and empty spaces and deciding to make something beautiful out of it. this shared act of transformation is what being human is about, babe, and you haven't even mentioned it ONCE.

17 notes - Posted November 21, 2022

#3

okay I am So fucking glad that people are finally getting into goncharov bc its like. a very weirdly sentimental movie for me? like my dad is really into mafia flicks (godfather, scarface, the whole scene) and we started watching them together when I was really young. probably too young? is 11 too young to watch a man choke to death on his own blood in a back alley in naples? whatever. we watched goncharov when I was 11, and I remember looking at sofia and katya and thinking 'wow, I didn't know girls could want each other like that'. obviously their relationship is problematic, but as a kid being raised in the buckle of the bible belt, any sort of gay rep was revolutionary to see.

my dad and I had a few years where our relationship was pretty rocky, but even when we could barely have a conversation without getting into a fight, we could still sit together and watch goncharov and have that. our relationship is much better now, but we still have a tradition of watching goncharov together whenever I go home. we've bonded over the movie that introduced me to a fact about myself that I thought was going to tear us apart.

anyways this movie fucks severely and I'm glad more people are talking about it

22 notes - Posted November 20, 2022

#2

i hope taika knows he did more to make me like men in 10 episodes than southern baptist sunday school did in 10 years

58 notes - Posted May 6, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

still trying to decide whether the 'j' in barold j. bluejeans stands for 'jarold' or 'jorts'

261 notes - Posted March 1, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#this shit is EMBARRASSING #babe get a LIFE #also welcome to the No Original Posts Gang

[delusion-of-negation]

I think genitalia talk should only belong to the person who's subject to it, their treating physician, and potentially any intimate partners IF it's of relevance. I think all transphobes and LGBTA-phobes have really taken too large of a step into the private body business of... ANYONE (even cis people), where they feel entitled to name your body parts and tell you who you are and what to do with them. It's fucking gross, and I hate how people have to justify their genetics because of some AHoles

prev ask [edit: re that ask, different anon]

what I said was "I prefer “people who have vaginas” to afab, if vagina is pertinent information", and I said that I think that "the difference is that t3rfs don’t use it like that, they use words like “penis-haver” to evoke dysphoria in the individual, and at times where the penis or lack thereof isn’t pertinent and/or might not even be the case", and my example of a situation where it would become pertinent to say a part or function "you’re talking about prostate cancer, well then “men” and “amab” might not actually cover every person you’re talking about", along with pregnancy. specifically, going up to a person and being like "you sir look like one of them there penis-havers to me" is weird, but when you're saying "I'm starting up a charity to help [blank] spot the warning signs of prostate cancer" I think that "people with prostates" will include all relevant parties better than "amab" or "men" would. I literally explained that I think this because neither assigned sex nor gender will cover all bases for me, and there are others who also won't be covered by one or the other. if you're referring to it being inappropriate for t3rfs to call folks "vagina/penis-havers", I agree with you, but if you're talking about what I said then that's really a mischaracterisation of what I'm proposing. there isn't an appropriate, pertinent moment to refer to someone's genitals in most irl casual conversation, it will mostly come up re health, or other accomodations, social issues, etc. so I'm not suggesting a person ask invasive questions or act out of your comfort, but I'd rather situations where it is pertinent not dance around it with a prettying of language because we find the word penis icky, then exclude people who need certain medical options because they aren't included in whatever euphemism we've used, because it's just a fact that you won't cover everyone with a penis and you're going to include some people without if you just say "men" or if you just say "amab". in interpersonal conversation there's rarely going to be situations where you need to use language like that, where you need to be precise and totally inclusive of a specific demographic, nobody calls their friend who identifies as a chick and is afab and prefers femme words "birthing person", instead of "mother", but the hospital might need to specify a ward that's for pregnant people giving birth is a "birthing person ward" so a potential trans man parent won't get security called on him, and won't have it denied by insurance, and won't face complications because staff are aware and appropriately trained and the whole system isn't designed to exclude him. it's pretty basic stuff tbh.

that said, seeing invasive genital questions as weirder than other invasive body part questions is a cultural thing that I think we should move away from - by which I mean, similar to the anal sex thing where I said that you should ask before any type of sex (rather than "piv is 'normal' so it's safe to assume that, but you should ask with anal because it's 'abnormal'" like that weird ass post was basically saying), you shouldn't pry past people's comfort zones with any body part, and it's always important to make sure people are comfy in the discussion and have the space to tell you if they're not (within reason, obviously "I'm not comfortable with you saying 'please help I need an ambulance' so stop this prying conversation" is a different situation).