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#samurai sharkie speaks
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you know, I miss when the gang would try to kill each other and it wasn’t played as like a super sad angsty thing but instead was like looney tunes violence where they’re trying to kill each other for being mildly annoying or for some silly plot reason and just constantly one-upping each other in hilarious ways. Shit where neither of these guys are trying to kill each other w guns or swords or anything like that but instead choosing the funniest most contrived methods possible to try and get the other
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lord-dusk · 5 years
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Jurassic Emblem-Chapter 9
You thought JE was merely fantasy? Well, my friend, your mind is about to be mind-blown! >:3
 Teba and Warbler were in the deep sea. Specifically, 35 meters below the isle of Nifl, surrounded by what what appeared to be a frenzy of shear-toothed chameleon-sharks and flame-spewing dolphin-lizards.
How did Teba and Warbler end up in this crazy shit? Well you sea, the two mercenaries had escaped confinement by feigning their death. It wasn’t very easy, given how excellent the olfactory senses of raptors are, and many predators can easily distinguish between a sleeping living creature and a creature whose brains and hearts have stopped. By coating himself and Warbler with their own feces, they had disguised themselves as luxurious buffets for flies, and Echo and Charlie wasted no time to toss the mercs into a man-hole.
Unknowingly to the raptors, the dilo and the salamander were still alive, albeit smelly. They were wandering through the sewers underneath Askr when the floor began to quiver upwards. Teba knew too damn well that shoggoth Andromeda had some news to report to them. They were, under the newly assigned orders by Sha’Rad Yuwi, to find Lucina and the raptors and have them dead with twelve days. Even Warbler for all her toxic personality felt a shiver down her spine;if there was one thing Sha’Rad Yuwi was good at, it was killing subordinates who disappointed her, and Teba and Warbler nodded their hands reluctantly.
“What about the embryos however?” Teba asked.
“Ahhn, don’t worry cute-boy~<3, I’ll take care of things on my part too~.” Andromedra replied in her own lewd way. “Ahhn, I hear Luci-Bluci are at Nifl, so there’s a chance it might be a water level. Teba, you’re fine as you are since you are an amphibian, though you might want this Warbler.” Andromeda formed a part of her gooey body into a cylindrical tank with tubing and a respirator, detached it, and gave the whole thing to Warbler.
“Oh I get it! Now that’s what they call Direct Kissing:French Maid edition!” Warbler cackled.
“Glad you like it, Warbler-chan~” Andromeda was burning hot, despite the cold damp sewers. “Ahhhn, it’s so cute to see you two cuties ready for your mission that I can’t wait for you to COME on down~!”
PLOOOSH! Teba and Warbler were thrown to the water by a push from Andromeda. Warbler immediately donned the respirator, attached the cylinder onto her back. Teba started to swim towards the mouth of the sewer, make their way through the Askran waterways, and head on out towards Nifl where those velociraptors are.
                                   *********
The waters were dark and freezing, Teba thought. He had hoped that as an aquatic creature, this mission would be relatively easy, given how the environment is within his forte. You would expect Warbler to be a popsicle by now, but she was surprisingly resilient, furiously paddling to create thermal radiation. It had been four days since they headed out from Askr and the two mercs were starting to feel fatigued. Periodically they sit down and rest on the rocky bottoms, eating passing fish that swam by. 
They came across a sign. A metal crossing sign on a rocky cliff over looking a patch of sea-floor below that was neon-lit with various fluorescent lights. Skyscrapers rising into the water column, illuminating the otherwise black sea. 
Teba was quite out of breath, and decided to rest adjacent to the crossing sign. “This looks like a very suitable place to recharge our batteries, so to speak,” the samurai said. “The view here is very magnificently beautiful I might add.”
“I could use a nice bottle of Caubernot Sauvignon to go with the view!” Warbler spoke, stretching her arms and legs. “ My body’s aching from all that swimming we just did over the past few days-wait, Teba, how many days had passed since we left that jail?”
“Well, the answer’s already in the above paragraph.” Teba answered. “Look above.”
“........Awww shit-!! Shit! Fuck! FOUR DAYS!?! Holy macaroni-with-wine the deadline’s in three days! That angry bitch is going to rip our spines out if those rowdy-raptors aren’t dead by then!!”
Teba pat his hand on Warbler’s head, stroking her white hair. “Don’t be so edgy. I have a feeling that those raptors are closer to us than you might  expect.”
Teba loosened up somewhat. “Whats makes you so sure of that?”
“Nothing in particular. I am not exactly sure if my theory is correct, but something is telling me that the lizards we’re hunting are right above us at the surface.”
“You mean those sharky-looking things with googly eyes, long tongues, and fiery throats?” Warbler pointed her finger behind Teba.
“What ‘shark-things’?” Teba questioned, as he spun his head. What he saw chilled him even more than the surrounding water.
 There were a massive swarm of sharks all around them, but they weren’t exactly “normal” sharks that you think of. They were lime-green whose flanks had a red horizontal stripe running down from their odd jaws that are likened to a pair of shears with one row of teeth on each mandible. Vertical light-blue bands crossed the red stripes, and the sharks possessed strange, calculating eyes situated on fleshy pink stalks that spun and twitched periodically.
Almost like the aquatic version of a chameleon,Teba thought, frowning.
There was another group of creatures as well, creatures that resembled dolphins, save for their curious three-lobed tails shaped like those from airplanes, and they were ivory white with splotches of ember orange on them. Their snouts were particularly long, like a gharial’s, and indeed, embers were falling out their mouths.
“Awww hell. Why can’t happy things ever happen to bad guys like us?” Warbler groaned.
Teba was just about to ready his katana blades into battle when something smacked around his belly, wrapping him up and tightening, causing him to drop one of his blades unto the ground. He didn’t have to realize that he was seized by the elongated tongue of one of the chameleon-sharks, and the creature was pulling Teba towards its jaws and was about to slice him in two when the samurai managed to stab his katana under the creature’s upper jaw and out its forehead between the eye-stalks. A deep crimson cloud filled with pieces of brain seep out and the chameleon-shark loosened its grip on Teba, and he was released. 
But when a previous danger passes, a new one immediately begins. A dolphin had opened its jaws agape, and spewed out expansive flames near Teba. The amphibious samurai leapt into the water column, barely missing the flames as a piece of ember had caught on his yukata.
Warbler picked up Teba’s second katana blade and proceeded to slice apart several of the chameleon-sharks and fire-breathing dolphins.”Take that bitches! Oh hey, you dolphins remind me of Celicunt from Echoes-because you girls all have celiac disease from guzzling down raw flour all day! Kahahahahaha~!” Several heads,fins,and tails floated down towards the ground as the waters were reddened by blood and organs-not that you see them in the darkness anyway.
“I see that you’re quite invigorated once more,” Teba remarked, slicing apart fire-dolphins and chameleon-sharks here and there. “If you don’t mind, I think I would like one of my blades back.”
“Sure thing Tebs!” Warbler chirped as she tossed the katana blade she was wielding towards the samurai, kabobing more sharks and dolphins in the process.  The dilophosaur took her Dragonstone from her breast pocket, and proceeded to transform into her saurian form, and tore apart more of the creatures.
“Sword Shield”. Teba activated his signature move. Emanating electromagnetic impulses, he spun his blades all around himself hand-free and shredded apart more sharks and dolphins. The shield might not be able to block the dolphin’s flame-spewing, but it’ll certainly chop the tongues of those water-chameleons. 
There was more slaughter when a bright magenta laser had pierced the ground between the mercenaries and the creatures.
“Alright ladies and mentlegen, why don’t we channel your violence into something more productive?”
A tall inigo-magenta man was floating down from the water column, and landed between one of the dolphins and Teba. 
“Dear me, what if Lady Basilice sees this chaos? She might add it as an action sequence in her writing, tough she does appreciate there will be a percentage of persons that will find carnage as appealing as moldy cotton candy.”
“What reason do you have for stopping our fighting?” Teba questioned the man in front of him, his attire the opposite tone of the samurai’s yukata. While Teba wore yukata that were colorful but not overly garish, the man’s clothes were very flashy. His jacket was deep navy with white and magenta lines, his boots were the same theme, and the man wore blood-red headphones around his ears. Pink and purple chromatophores running down on his cheek and hands added to the neon effect.
The fluorescent man waved to the remaining sharks and dolphins. They held their tongues and fire. “Listen, these guys here saw you wandering on this cliff and they simply wanted to welcome you to our city Neon Choral,” the man explained. “It would seem there was a huge misunderstanding and there was quite the ruckus.”
“May I have your name?” Teba asked.”It would be very tedious to the reader if they had to call a flashy fellow like you ‘The Man.’‘‘
“Call me Laba. Labea Iridophorous. And I would like to treat you to a local tea-house as a form of apology.”
“Will there be some sake as well?” Warbler licked her lips.
“Oh yes, there will be, my dear,” Laba answered, smiling. “In fact, I think I can escort you to those surface lizards you’re so eager to hunt.”
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*to the tune of Spider-Man theme*
Goemon, Goemon
Does whatever a samurai does
He can slash, anything
Right in half, what a king
Watch out!
The coming of Goemon
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[reads a lupin fic] [goldilocks voice] characters in this one are too healthy and well adjusted :/ [reads another lupin fic] characters in this one are too fucked up and genuinely evil >:/ [reads another lupin fic] contrived plot line :/ [reads another lupin fic] everyone but Jigen/Lupin/Fujiko is out of character :/ [reads another lupin fic] everyone is out of character :/ [reads another lupin fic] resolved plot lines too quickly :/ [reads another lupin fic] too self indulgent :/ [reads another lupin fic] no one acts like they even like each other :/ [reads another lupin fic] way too soft and cuddly :/ [reads another lupin fic] way too dark and gritty :/ [reads another lupin fic] way too horny :/ [reads another lupin fic] this one’s anti-horny :/ [reads another lupin fic] so many headcanons that feel tacked on :/ [reads another lupin fic] this one is too hot :/ [reads another lupin fic] this one is too cold :/ [reads another lupin f
#samurai sharkie speaks#i feel so ripped off 😭 they weren’t BAD but they weren’t. the characters you know? it was like filtered versions of them#i haven’t even read as many as this makes it seem like bc some I saw straight from the summary or the first paragraph were 👎#I’ve found less than I can count on one hand of fics that hit that sweet spot#where the characters and the story and everything all feels like itself as opposed to someone’s filtered lense of it#i went through a few tonight and I just had to stop looking bc I was getting too frustrated#the fact that even in some of the decent ones Goemon is done dirty by being portrayed as naive and soft and sweet#any fic involving Goemon is a risk bc I could just end up stuck w borderline part 5 Goemon for three paragraphs#i hate browsing fanfic or reading non-peer reviewed fanfic bc it always ends in me getting disappointed like this#i hate reading something promising and then seeing that they just cannot write more than one aspect of each characters personality#yeah we get it Jigen is cool and brooding Goemon is stoic Lupin is funny and ridiculous and Fujiko is perceptive and sexy.#poor Fujiko always gets pushed to this like. passive advice giver or event manipulator instead of being her own person too#sometimes ppl ‘girlboss’ her so hard she becomes one dimensional and boring#jigen seems to be everyone’s favorite but he gets put in the ‘I can fix him’ position way too much#for someone that has literally never been that and if anything it’s been the other way around#zenigata is mia if he’s not a focal point#lupin never gets any dedication to anything past his superficial personality#or he’s being overly condemned while all the other characters get treated like they ‘aren’t as bad’??#goemon is almost ALWAYS too nice and open and tactile#ppl act like he’s ‘the emotional one’ as if this man hasn’t worn the same expression since 1967 or whatever
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ey wtf am I shadowbanned. i don’t think my posts are showing up for anyone, and they’re not in the tags. goddamn how do I fix that. of course it happens now too.
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I’m gonna wait for about twenty minutes for this post to see if it appears in the tag and then I’m gonna contact support again. wild how this post gets muted instantly but ppl encouraging violent bigotry are actively blazed and encouraged.
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i hate it when I want to talk about Goemon or even just anything for Lupin the Third but all my brain wants to do is repeat his name over and over like I’m constantly starting a sentence I will never finish
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I’d decided ever since I first got into Lupin that I was going the completionist route and consuming all the media from it that I could find, but there are some bits that I am dreading going into lol. Despite this I am determined to find something useful and or enjoyable about each Lupin thing I find, because there’s always something you can pick out from them and because to me that’s a fun way of gathering little bits of info and meta on the series and characters, and seeing how they interact or oppose each other. This isn’t to say I’ll ignore the shitty stuff that’s waiting there, but I’m also not going to be writing a post about every bit of awful shit and how I disagree with it for every post I talk about appreciating something, because I trust we all understand and agree that that is clearly not what anyone worthwhile likes or approves of about the series. I may even consider making a meta post talking about the worst recurring themes and content that has stuck around in the franchise over hundreds of different development teams due to negative influence from the various different and levels of cultures involved as well as time period, lack of gender diversity, and internalized bigotry; but also discuss how the series has worked towards visibility on certain issues like queer men in media and even more recently touching on the short hand Fujiko had been drawn for so many years by her getting an entire series for herself written by a woman, and how there is clearly a wide array of people that have touched the foundations of the franchise to make it what it is and how these positives and the negatives sometimes intersect on their way to the surface. It’s such a nuanced subject though and I really don’t want to make a post about that just on the fly. Not to mention I’m certainly not the authority on all the subjects that would need to be covered for such an analysis and I’ve certainly not “arrived” in any sort of way in terms of progressive understanding and analysis of themes and narratives in media, but maybe one day I can start a decent and good faith discussion about the different views on consuming media like Lupin the Third that is so chock full of content that should be left in the past and rightly criticized. Tangent aside, the point is I may talk about or reblog posts about or from some of the less popular installments of the Lupin franchise, and talk about some of the stuff I liked and disliked. Its my opinion that there’s something to be gleaned from each piece of Lupin media, and it all constitutes the giant tower of content that makes the series, even the foundation, the original manga. Despite all of its massive, massive problems, and like it or not, the manga is the reason the anime exists, and it’s history and influence on the series (and the history and influence on the manga itself) can’t just be thrown aside or ignored, as it still influences the series to this day! I think by the logic that is is the foundation of the franchise, there’s clearly something informative to rip from the pages. You just have to join the queue of people waiting to piss on Monkey Punch’s little clown grave after you read it.
#samurai sharkie speaks#I’ll tag the specific media i reblog as always so if you want to blacklist it you can#I hope this makes sense and it doesn’t come across with attitude or anything it’s more just a heads up#and I want to be clear here in saying that if you don’t want to touch the manga I am NOT judging you dude. holy shit not at all#there’s some vile content in there that I have a hard time just reading about#stuff that i will most certainly be wary of and I will not treat that lightly#I’m just. well I’m the type of person who when I get really into something I devour everything I can find down to the marrow#as an art history nerd it’s hard to not be fascinated w the manga and how it’s influenced the series#and how it’s even brought a resurgence of that old Japanese cartoony art style#also I need to be clear in saying that talking about the art style and appreciating its history and style is not approving of monkey punch.#nor is snorting at a stupid bathroom joke that was written by the localization team.#i need to make that clear bc when I’m engaging w the series it’s nice to find something to laugh at.#thinking dick jokes or absurdism or cartoony humor is funny doesn’t mean I like or agree w monkey punch and his disgusting foul scenes.#i say this bc I don’t want people taking me talking about things like the manga in bad faith#and start assuming just bc I chose to engage w things like the manga I condone it.#rest assured I’m not going into the manga and such w/o being aware of all the extremely uncomfortable content I’m in for#but I can’t exactly compile it all for a callout post or anything bc the man is dead. the man can’t do anything anymore.#at this point I can read the manga and see where the anime came from and that’s what I want to do with it#also. not looking forward to watching Harimo’s treasure#my friend found a dvd at a thrift store w/o knowing it had one of the more offensive movie villain caricatures I’ve seen#i know there’s some great gang interactions hidden in there though#so I’ll be looking forward to that#at the very least
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screaming crying and throwing up bc I waited too long to rn birthday stuff for Goemon :(
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i have become a Lupin the Third werefan where I become the most mentally ill person about this show at 3-6 in the morning and proceed to become a zombie the rest of the day and repeat
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more posts incoming I’ve just been dealing with some exhaustion and mental illness stuff that’s made it difficult to use a phone lately
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I’m endeavoring to do this thing where I sketch each of the Lupin gang with heavy inspiration from the actors and media that inspired and influenced their creation and design, which is easy (as in finding the resources) right up until you reach Lupin, who does have some clear inspiration from his original voice actor and James Bond, but also obviously is inspired by a lot of the Arsène Lupin adaptions up until that point, and there are A LOT OF THEM. And I can see a bit of Lupin’s design in a lot of the adaptions in movies, tv and even some illustrations! It’s very cool but very overwhelming lmao
#samurai sharkie speaks#still don’t know abt this tag but I can’t think of anything else#I’m trying to find at least three pictures of each Lupin iteration— that’s not happening for the various book illustrations though lol#not only would that be like picking out my favorite grain of sand on a beach I would also have to find most of those in person#or on niche review sites#bc google and such only leads to like the same 10 illustrations over and over#I found an actor that might have inspired some of Zenigata’s look too! it was of a Ganimard actor I think#meanwhile Jigen and Goemon have pretty much one actor that specifically inspired their style and look and the genre that surrounds it#Fujiko might be the next hard one bc there are a LOT of inspirations behind her character design and genre#The Girl in the Motorcycle is a HUGE Fujiko inspiration for example— it even has the black leather suit#and Zenigata might have one or two actors specifically to take inspiration from but he’s also his own beast in terms of genre#and while there’s a small percentage of Ganimard influencing his creation as a character he is very much not Ganimard#we’ll see if I can somewhat reach my ambitions here lol#but either way it’s very fun and insightful to learn all this#I’m gonna watch a few of the movies that were instrumental in the creation of the gang as characters and in design too#I’ve already sketched Goemon a bit based off Kyuzo in Seven Samurai#and I even got some references for Seiji Miyaguchi in some of his earlier works#it’s interesting how just by shading makeup and setting alone Seiji Miyaguchi’s face structure looks different#that iconic chin isn’t as noticeable in a few of his other movies#granted he’s younger in a few of these and covered in costume effects and makeup in others#Jigen’s is also interesting bc his biggest inspiration is James Coburn but for the mafia/gangster inspiration there isn’t any specifics#so I have to fish around for some old crime boss movies of the 40s-60s to see where some influence may have come into play#ANYWAY this will probably be anticlimactic a little bit lmao#I’m certainly not the most skilled artist to be tackling this and I’m so fucking out of practice#but hey it’s rare that the muse hits me and I might as well give it the old college try
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WHERE IS EVERYONE GETTING THEIR ZANTETSUKEN SWORD PROPS FOR COSPLAY.
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one thing about me is that I will edit my tags after I reblog a post instead of just adding them in the first place every single time
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deleting the callout post and starting over. hopefully it doesn’t happen again
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a very Not Fun post is coming in the hours of 4:00 pm through 11:59 pm. Be aware and don’t miss it!
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