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ladylovesalot · 3 years

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Bipolar Journal

For someone with mental illness sometimes it’s therapeutic to keep a journal even if it isn’t a consistent thing, they write in it. During my first manic episode from 2012-2015, I kept a small diary of my thoughts and drew the hallucinations that I would see. When my mother found it I was embarrassed and ashamed of the things that I had written in it. During my manic episode, I was suffering from a condition called hypergraphia which is a compulsive need to write. I would write down any thought that came into my head no matter good, bad, or strange, and further elaborate on why I was feeling the way that I was. After I left the hospital for the first time I immediately threw it away so no one else would find it. The only reason why I kept it even after my mother found it was so that I could better explain to the doctor at the hospital what I was thinking and what I was seeing since I drew everything I hallucinated.

While there, I was diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety disorder. Before going to the hospital, I was taking medication for bipolar type 1 since that is what a supervising psychiatrist thought I had. There were many theories as to what I had since symptoms weren’t all lining up under a perfect column; I was hallucinating and couldn’t tell if they were real or not, I was paranoid of everyone around me. So much so I changed my OBGYN doctor because I was convinced she wanted me to kill me. I thought people were following me and when I looked behind me, I would see black shadows quickly disappear into crowds or behind buildings. I was constantly having panic attacks, and would be fueled with energy, and suffered from compulsions that soon affected my day-to-day life, as well as depressive episodes. Before seeing someone that specialized in mental disorders I was telling everything to my therapist who was worried that I had one of three things; bipolar, schizophrenia, or schizoaffective disorder which is a combination of the two.

Upon leaving the hospital I was put on antipsychotics and anti-anxiety medication. While this helped elevate my mood and somewhat control my panic attacks, it was short-lived. I was soon in the hospital again, this time a private facility where I could get the one-on-one attention I needed rather than one open to the general public. This was four months after being released. It was here I was once again diagnosed with bipolar type 1 and generalized anxiety. Four years later in 2019, I had yet another manic episode which was shorter since I knew what was wrong and tried to take action to get it under control before it got worse as well as loving family and friends that could visibly see something was not right. Bipolar is different for everyone. Some can go months and sometimes years without having a manic episode. I was blessed enough to be one that went years.

Even though the entries begin on September 17, I was experiencing the symptoms about a week or two prior and then decided to document it to look for contingencies between this one and my first. It helped as well to have a “friend” that I could write everything out with and “talk” to without feeling judged or afraid.

Some of it is disturbing and can be triggering for those that have a mental illness. Going back and typing this out, I felt myself beginning to fall back into my old way of thinking and had to take a break for a bit.

Names and places have been changed to respect the privacy of those involved. The entries are the same as in the journal to show what I dealt with. Because of this, some grammar and punctuation will not be correct. “People” other than me talking will be addressed as “B”.

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September 17, 2019

It’s been a while and I was determined to write something every day even if it was something small. I haven’t. I’m a complete failure. I fucking hate myself. I’ll feel fine one minute then want to fucking scream the next. What’s wrong with me??? I can’t fucking take this anymore! I don’t want to be around anyone. Not even Justin. I love him so much but I hate myself and just need to be left alone. I don’t want to be a burden. What the fuck do I do?! I have nothing to be complaining about. Should I call Dr. Harriet again? I can’t afford her. If I call Noel I don’t know what he’d do but I wouldn’t like it. I want to die I want to die. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I’m nothing I’m worthless I’m nothing I’m worthless. Why can’t I just be happy? I have no reason not to. I just need to buy stuff then I’ll be happy. Fuck everyone. I just want to be happy. Fuck them fuck them fuck them. I want my head not to be so fuzzy. I need to rip it all out. I’m so fucking ugly it’ll be good. Fuck fuck fuck fuck I suck aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Fuck them all!

Why won’t these thoughts leave me alone????? I NEED THEM OUT! I don’t think the voices are coming back but I need to do it. Then I’ll be happy and I just want to be happy. When I’ve cut myself by accident it didn’t even hurt. Will it still not hurt? I can try and see what happens. I’ll take the pills tomorrow and then see if it hurts. I don’t want to go in. I need to be alone. I can’t fucking do this. I’ll call Ned maybe he’ll know. Maybe Cassie. I miss her. Fuck her for leaving. Fuck Ruby for leaving. Fuck Cheryl for leaving. All my friends are fucking leaving me. What do I do? I have no friends. I’m a loser.

You’re a fucking loser You’re a fucking loser you’re a fucking loser you’re a fucking loser.

He better not come out. I need to be alone. How can I be alone? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

September 18, 2019

I feel a bit better today. I just want to be left alone today. I really don’t want to go to work. I just want to be alone all day. I want everyone to go away and just leave me alone. What do I do?

September 19, 2019

Maureen is mad at me. I don’t understand why Aaron can’t have sugar. I can’t change everything around him. I’m nothing but a fuck up. Why would anyone hire me?? Why would anyone want to take me on as an apprentice? I suck. I’m worthless. I bet it’s a mistake even trying to design my own tattoo. People will-

September 20, 2019, AM

I want to pull my head apart. There is something in there. I’m trying to act as normal as possible for Justin’s sake but the will is beginning to go away. I have no one to talk to. Dr. Ned isn’t calling. Even though I do the stuff the cotton is in me but it doesn’t me as much I need to do something. No one understands what I’m going through. Should I call Harriet? I don’t see her anymore so she might not talk to me. I need to rip my hair off! What do I do?? I need someone to tell me what to do. What would the voices say? I need them to help me.

September 20, 2019, PM

How am I supposed to help myself? I cant tell Justin the truth. He’ll want to leave me. I don’t want to go to the wedding tomorrow. I need help. Why won’t Ned call back??? I called him two fuckling days in a row!

All the little boys and all the little girls won’t get out of my head.

I’m a worthless piece of shit. I’m nothing I’m nothing you’re nothing and everyone hates you!

Why does everyone hate me?

(B) Because you annoy the fuck out of them. You don’t even have friends within the group. They feel sorry for you and only talk to you because ofJustin. You’re useless. You won’t amount to anything you piece of shit.

Help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me someone help me, please. Everyone sucks. No one loves me. People only feel sorry for me.

(B) You suck so much. You’re nothing.

I need help. Someone come help me. I’m nothing I’m nothing.

(B) You hate yourself.

Someone help me someone help me please Justin help. Justin help me, please. Why does no one care about me?

September 21, 2019

If I see those lines there it would be so perfect. I would finally be happy. Justin doesn’t understand. I love him so much but he just doesn’t. I want to tell him everything but that’ll scare him. I can’t do it. I can’t trust anyone. Maybe Ned and maybe mom because mom knows what to do. I don’t feel anything.

(B) You suck Shannon. No one loves you.

Who else is there? I don’t know what’s going on anymore. Fuck fuck fuck. I don’t even want to kill myself. I think I just want to be gone. I don’t want to go back to Intercare. I can’t right now. I need to be more self-reliant. I can’t depend on everyone else. I can’t depend on the meds. No one can help me. Why?? I’m useless.

(B) You’re useless. No one likes you. How can someone ever love you? They’re all lying. All of them are fucking liars.

They don’t love me. Help help help help help help help help help me someone, anyone. I can’t do this. Why was that woman so mean?

(B) She thinks you’re crazy. That’s why.

Do I want to be gone? I want to cut. I have to cut. I need to feel it. I’m going to do it. I need to do it. It’s there it’s there. It’s telling me to. Justin wants to leave me. I know he does.

(B) You’re worthless.

I don’t know if I’m hearing the voices or not, why is this happening? I know something’s wrong but I don’t know what. I NEED TO DO IT!! Even if it’s with a pen it’ll be okay.

(B) You can do it. You just need to get Justin distracted then you can do it. I believe in you. You just need to believe in yourself. You don’t need to ask permission. Just do it. You’ll be so happy. Or you can be a miserable coward because that’s what you are. A fake to everyone. Everyone thinks you’re okay now but you’re not.

September 22, 2019

I felt numb today. Last night was so much fun then the weed helped and now I’m going crazy again. I don’t want to go anywhere. I want to cut.

(B) It’s there. You need to find the knives then you’ll be good at at least figuring things out. You need to do it tomorrow after work. You’re a clever girl so think like him. You can do it. I believe in you.

I want to do it but I shouldn’t but the desire is so strong I need to. I’ll go crazy.

(B) You stupid piece of shit, then find them. You heard clanging. There are only three places they can be; kitchen, bathroom, office. Check above the fridge first. You’re afraid of heights but overcome it to get what you need.

I need those knives and scissors. Anything at this point.

(B) You can do it. He sleeps like the dead. Go out tonight to find them. Maybe use the nail clippers at the very least. You’re doing a great job with how you’re feeling. They can only be in three- a couple- of places; living room, kitchen, office. You need to look above the sink, you fucking idiot. He knows how you are. But you need to cut. You'll feel so much better.

September 23, 2019

(B) Good job Shannon! You did it! You pushed through it and now everything is perfect. Fuck Maureen. You need to make her life miserable. She’s a fucking bitch that needs to die. She should not be texting you angry about this. I know you’re getting sleepy now. But push through it. You deserve the beer. And the vape. If you can handle it take some more-

September 30, 2019

Today was amazing. The razor doesn’t even hurt at first and then the blood comes then you see the line. The lines are so beautiful. You were right. All I needed to do was try. But now I need to hide it. He’ll see and get mad. I don’t want him mad. I don’t want him to send me away. I love him so much. So fucking much.

October 3, 2019

(B) Finally, you’re back again.

I tried to do it yesterday but couldn’t muster up anything to write. I want to see the blood again but also know it’s bad.

(B) But that’s never stopped you before?

I know but I’m so torn. What should I do?

(B) You should also do...but not? Don’t do it. DON’T. DO. IT. Do you want to go back to the hospital? You joke that they have good food but we know you hate it. Except for one time your biggest concern was when you could leave. Do you want to disappoint everybody? Be a disappointment to your students. The fact that you’re writing shows you want to.

I want to but can’t. I need you all to stop. One at a time. It’s okay to write but not talk. What if someone reads this?

(B) They’ll think you’re more insane than you already are.

October 24, 2019

Looking back on the entries I realize how everything was spiraling out of control. So much has happened since then both good and bad. I got fired from Joyous Praise because of a text I sent Terry during my manic episode. When the pastor asked if I’ve ever had thoughts or wants to hurt a child I of course said no and would never even think of doing that. When he said-

October 31, 2019

Today I’ll be going to get my things that I bought for my classroom from the pastoral office. Terry was supposed to return a shirt I let her borrow and for two days she said she’d bring it but I think she’s afraid of me. I’m 99% sure she knows I know she sent in the text. On the night she was going to bring it I told her Edward and I were going out but I was going to leave the porch light on and she could toss it over the patio. She picked me up every day and knew the apartment number I lived in and that it was on the first floor. An hour later I got a text telling me Sherry was going to be giving me the shirt. Then earlier this week I get a call from Sherry telling me they were going to mail my things to me which I didn’t understand why since I live less than 10 minutes away from the church. I told her I’d come by today to get everything. When I called yesterday to tell her I was coming by at 2:00 pm she didn’t answer so I left a message telling her the time and the things I was coming to get. I’m really hoping there’s everything there. She never returned my call. Her and pastor Allen haven’t returned any of my texts or the email I sent. I feel as if they purposelessly avoiding me. I haven’t gotten a paycheck either like they said I would. l am hoping that comes in soon. Hopefully, I’ll have that answered and all my things by this afternoon.

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Mental illness is something that is still stigmatized in our community. Throughout the years, views on it haven’t changed. The only difference between now and the past is that people aren’t thought to be possessed by the devil or witches. Of course in some places of the world, they are still thought to be. When someone comes to you asking for help then listen. If you ask someone how they’re doing and you don’t get socially acceptable “I’m good” then listen to them. You might be very well saving a life or even encourage someone to get the help that they need.

#mentally ill #mental heatlh #mental health awareness #diary #bipolar

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