#realizing that i have basically never wrote anything with waifu

[sky-kiss]

Shadowheart/F!Tav: Ephemeral

A/N: Named Tav. And this is highly indulgent and just for me lol. But y'all can look if you want. Post Haarlep encounter. Because we stan a kinky queen.

Shadowheart/F!Tav: Laughing, Thriving, Gloating, at your Expense (Affectionate)

"Far be it from me to gloat," Shadowheart says, gloating. "But I recall speaking to something like this—what was it again?" 

The rush of blood in Joi's ears makes it difficult to think, let alone reflect. She tries to speak and ends up swallowing the words, chin dropping to her chest. It's a frankly surreal sensation—there are hands on her body, cupping, caressing, someone is mouthing at her throat…but it's nothing. The phantom pleasure is equal parts too much and too little, nerve strokes without pressure. 

Shadowheart hums. The heat of her makes it…better or worse, it's difficult to tell. She is blessedly solid, real, when she presses close, fingers stroking through Joi's hair. "Ah, I recall.  Unlikely to dispense carnal pleasures out of the goodness of their heart…does that sound correct? Feel free to nod your agreement. You seem quite…preoccupied." 

Joi nods. 

Some rational part of her brain realizes the half-elf is within her rights to feel this superiority—she had warned her about Haarlep's intentions. It's just that there's another part, the one not currently buzzing with abstract pleasure, that wants to protest. She'd had no choice—a lie, there'd been no reason to break into the House to start aside from her own wounded ego—but to play with Haarlep. 

"I thought," the tiefling starts, only to stop, biting the inside of her cheek to keep from moaning. "You'd be at least somewhat bothered." 

Shadowheart's lips curl up, bemused, a touch patronizing. "Not at all—I quite like you like this. And I rarely get the chance to just…observe." The phantom hands shift down her body, and she suffers the jarring impression of her legs being spread, even as she stands perfectly still. Something must show on her face because Shadow laughs again, walking her further into the alley. The cleric has the presence of mind to tuck them in a little alcove. "Go on—don't stop for my sake." She drags her lips across Joi's cheek. "If you can summon the presence of mind, I'd welcome any particularly sordid details."

Joi shivers, screwing her eyes shut against the sensation of something pushing inside her. Her mind struggles to adjust, trying to justify the texture, the duality of feeling achingly full and empty all at once. 

"My, that must have been good." Shadowheart's smiling, too damnably satisfied. She eases Joi's legs apart, slotting herself between her spread thighs. 

"Just…" she chokes. Shadowheart saves her with another kiss, swallowing her moan. It's a little like being at sea, the sensation of being rocked, something thrusting lazily into her. For the briefest moment, she feels the link to Haarlep solidify. They're more present, sticking inside her head, dragging their teeth across her mind. Their hand, her hand, ghosts down her stomach. Shadowheart marks its path, smirking, tangling their fingers together. 

"If your only intent is to stand here slack-jawed, I'll be tempted to put your mouth to better work." The cleric murmurs, and something in her tone, dark and authoritative, makes Joi clutch around nothing. 

And she feels something like Haarlep's approval, violently hungry, driving themself down on their partner in response to Shadowheart’s words. It steals the air from Joi's lungs. 

"You try holding a civil conversation when you're being…" She hisses, hugging her lover tighter. A shock of electric pleasure kisses along her spine, the sensation of being stretched to her breaking point, the phantom pleasure pressing and pressing for just a little more. Haarlep coos in her head, and she feels the point where her body gives. There should be nothing left, but Haarlep ensures she takes it. Joi fights to swallow, voice hoarse. "No elegant way to say you’re feeling...very full." 

"Mmm. Any guesses what you're full of?" Shadowheart laughs at her incredulous expression. "Not so strange a question, is it? I'd like to know if I'll be competing with an Orthon to satisfy you in the future."  

"You'd rise to the occasion." 

"But of course. But it would necessitate a touch more effort." She hums against Joi's lips, rocking against her thigh. Shadow chews her lower lip, mischief twinkling in her eyes. "Do we think it's Raphael fucking you, sweet one? Should I be jealous?" Joi gasps, trying to push the image out of her head. "Of course, if you can't explain what they're doing to you…well, there's always the option of showing me later?" 

"Yes." 

"No need to convince you at all. Shame." Shadowheart pats her cheek. "You’re so eager. It’s sweet." 

It's openly patronizing. It still manages to twist something low in the tiefling's belly, naked want flooding through her. On principle, Joi grumbles, "You're upsetting Haarlep."

Shadowheart laughs. "Liar.  But I shan't keep you so…mentally occupied. Allow me." 

Her lover's hand steals under her robes and between her legs, adding a blessed solidity to the otherwise ephemeral pleasure. 

#shadowheart #bg3 fanfiction #shadowheart x tav #my writing #bg3 smut #i dunno i had an urge #realizing that i have basically never wrote anything with waifu #this must be changed #baldurs gate 3 #bg3

[captnjacksparrow]

Sparrow, suddenly I thought about this. I actually quite like Hinata on part 1 but on Shippuden she became limpy disgrace, and it's such a whipslash for me. Interesting, by the end of Part 1 Hinata had massive popularity and I recall Kishimoto once said that he didn't expect Hinata to be popular. So I had this thought, perhaps Hinata is naturally a harmless Naruto supporter like Gaara and Shikamaru, but since she's a woman and somehow loved by dudebros as their waifu, higher-ups start to push Hinata to be Naruto's main love interest and made Kishimoto angry LOL. That's why Kishimoto wrote Hinata in Shippuden like that. He's probably like "sure you will get your boring hetero ship but my Naruto will not be happy on her side"

I also thought just like you and my earlier posts were based on these thoughts... I explicitly wrote that Hinata got popular and that’s why Kishimoto went for her.

But then I got this Question, "He made Sakura to be an absolute Asshole towards Naruto... Okay. As a story teller, he definitely knew the rules of Basic Story Telling 101 that if you make one character to be an ass towards the most likeable character in the show... Then people would inevitably hate the bully. This is just a basic knowledge, pure common sense. Mission Accomplished. Done. But doesn't he also know that if he create a character who supports/stan Naruto, a girl at that... Will be eventually shipped with Naruto by the Audience??? Like why would he make her seemingly likeable in part 1 but only to flip the bird in the part 2????"

Only after careful introspection I got it... 

[[The following may look borderline N/arusaku... But It’s not... Just know that I hate N/aruSaku just as much as SS/NH ]]

Now the context from these panels are very evident... It shows how Naruto was being ignored by everyone in the Village.

And how he tries to get the attention by making pranks (throwing that noodle cup on that guy)...

And It is very deliberate of the Author to show that Hinata has been watching Naruto from her childhood just like Sasuke... and yet she never made any attempts to go acknowledge or become friends with him.

Atleast with Iruka, he needed a push from Hiruzen.... After realizing that Naruto was also suffering just like him... Iruka immediately reached him out in Chapter 1 and rest of them is a History.

And what did Hinata do??? 

Absolutely nothing. 

She knew Naruto was suffering and yet she didn’t do anything other than stalking him. 

Okay, Let’s just excuse the fact that she was also a child and hence she was shy.

Look at the contrast between Sakura and Hinata. Sakura is an asshole which is a known fact and yet she was showing her unanimous support for her teammate Naruto outloud...

Whereas Hinata was seen hesitating/shy not because she was in a dilemma as to whether to support Kiba or Naruto... but because she was afraid that Kiba will be mad for supporting Naruto. She is neither loyal to her teammates nor Naruto...

Another supportive act from Sakura whereas Hinata was left with Naruto-kun’s bubbles.

Hinata feeling the pain of Naruto... Love of the century😍😍😍

Whereas Sakura kept on motivating Naruto...

The point is... Sakura, despite being a bully towards Naruto, she could able to encourage/help out Naruto openly whereas the girl who 'supposedly' loved Naruto does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

One or two panels maybe a coincidence... But not more than 2... And we have some more... Which I’ve talked about it here as to how the Author used NS to spite NH at every given chance... This thing started from Chunin Exams onwards, and it was we, who never realized these meaning because we were only looking at the surface level kind act of Hinata. But as her story progressed we saw her true colors. 

Meaning, Hinata openly started to support Naruto only when it’s convenient. Like, She acknowledged him only after everyone around her (Shikamaru, Sakura, Kakashi, Asuma, Kurenai, Ino, Choji) started to acknowledge him... This is not called Goodness. It’s called being Opportunistic. Hinata was always an Opportunistic supporter of Naruto. And nothing more.

So, it’s not like Kishimoto got angry because the Publication pushed him to... He always knew that he was writing a Gay love story and these two girls were always a Gay shields to begin with... Since there was a need to go for a sequel and he has to establish an Hetero Ending, that’s when he started to go full-on mockery with Hinata... 

#sasunaru #narusasu #sns #nsn #anti hinata #anti-hinata #anti nh

[scottymcgeesterwrites]

Final Fantasy XIII Review

Year: 2009

Original Platform: PlayStation 3

Also available on: Xbox 360, PC, Android, iOS

Version I Played: PlayStation 3

Synopsis:

On the planet Cocoon, those who come into contact with anything from the planet Pulse are purged to that planet. Pulse is a feared planet full of monsters and strange creatures. Both planets are ruled by fal’Cie, mechanical godlike beings who sometimes brand humans as their servants for specific tasks, called a focus. Those who fulfill their focus are turned into crystals and obtain eternal life. Those who do not fulfill their focus turn into mindless monsters. Lightning is a former soldier whose sister, Serah, is branded by a fal’Cie and taken to be purged. Lightning sets off to rescue her.

Gameplay:

Going to say this now – the worst gameplay in the entire Final Fantasy series.

The battles are Active Time Battles but instead of you inputting individual commands, there are what’s called paradigms. Paradigms are somewhat like Job Classes from the old Final Fantasy games, except less fun and more automated. You can switch to a Medic paradigm in battle and every time you press “Auto-Battle” your character automatically performs a series of necessary cure and restore spells, based on what’s going on in the battle. The Sentinel paradigm specializes in keeping the enemy at bay. The Ravager paradigm uses magic. The Commando paradigm uses physical attacks. You get the picture.

As a result, the gameplay could be best described as:

With occasional switching of paradigms whenever you see fit. You can set up a number of combinations across the characters. Two Commandos and one Sentinel. One Sentinel and one Ravager and One Commando, etc.

The party automatically heals after each battle – you can even press start during a battle and restart the battle.

I probably only used an item once or twice. I honestly don’t see why they bothered putting any items if you hardly ever use them.

You can upgrade your weapons with pieces and junk you find after battles. You find so many of them that you hardly ever think about what you’re upgrading so long as whatever you make upgrades your stats. Is this better? No? What about this? Okay, good. Moving on.

Like Final Fantasy X, the game is linear. Much more linear. You follow a long hallway for about 30 hours of the game before you can do sidequests. The sidequests involve completing other people’s focus. That’s about it. There are no towns, no inns, no villages. You are entirely on the road, constantly in battle (Okay, there’s like one time where Sazh and Vanille are in a casino or something but that’s about it).

I wrote a blog piece a while back about what exactly was wrong with Final Fantasy XIII, and it’s not that it’s linear. We play really great linear games all the time. It’s the automation – the feeling that you’re not really doing anything.

There isn’t an ounce of customization. Leveling up is similar to the Sphere Grid of Final Fantasy X. It’s called the Crystarium but it follows a strict path. You can’t actually stray anywhere or customize anything. If that’s the case, why bother making you open the menu to level up through the Crystarium? Why not just automatically do it? I guess they want to give you some ounce (more like a milligram) of control over the game.

Basically – you’re watching a long movie and occasionally get to move the people around. That’s how I see it.

Graphics:

PLAYSTATION 3 HD GRAPHICS HOMG DO YOU HAVEA BONER YET? LOOK AT THIS. FIRST FINAL FANTASY GAME IN GLORIOUS HD.

Everything is pretty in this game. Everything. There is nothing wrong with this at all.

Story:

The characters appear to reference those in Final Fantasy VII. Director Motomu Toriyama wanted Lightning to essentially be a female Cloud Strife. She’s a no-nonsense, athletic female lead. While Cloud and Squall were introspective and antisocial, Lightning is slightly different by actively ordering people around. She comes off as a dick to everyone, and that’s due to her ex-soldier background. Think of your stereotypical ex-cop/ex-CIA/ex-military action movie hero, like Liam Neeson (Bryan Mills in Taken) or Bruce Willis (John McClane in Die Hard). That’s basically Lightning.

Can we go on a short tangent for a moment to talk about how weird it is that Lightning was also used as a model for advertising in Japan?

Here she is driving a Nissan.

And wearing Louis Vitton.

Cool? I guess? Unless you start to realize that Toriyama wanted to design his own personal waifu, and that he’s completely obsessed with her. That gets really weird. And sad? A little? Anyway.

Vanille has some reminiscent of Yuffie from Final Fantasy VII, although with more character via her inner monologues and narration. Fang is vaguely like Vincent Valentine. Sazh takes the place of Barrett as the token black dude, except instead of being aggressive he’s more like the comic relief and wants nothing to do with anything. Every time you control him, jazz music plays, because black people I guess. Hope doesn’t appear to be reminiscent of anyone – he’s just this boy who yells and complains a lot with Lightning. Snow meanwhile is a ripoff of Zell from Final Fantasy VIII, except somehow even more annoying.

(Every time I see his picture I think about your typical dude bro at a frat.)

The story starts of a bit choppy as you follow almost each character separately, then they run into each other, then separate again, then join again. The first 30 hours or so gives flashbacks of 13 days prior- BECAUSE IT’S FINAL FANTASY XIII GET IT? Vanille actually narrates some events but it’s not exactly clear why or from when – but that’s a spoiler. Along the way, I got really confused because I didn’t know why some people were fighting each other when they were on the same side a moment ago. The concept of the “focus” is really weird and sometimes confusing. People with a focus simply have visions or a general idea of what they’re supposed to do, but they don’t actually know for sure unless they actively seek it. If the gods granted them a focus, wouldn’t it make more sense if the gods just told them what to do? Seemed to work in Final Fantasy XII. 

In short, the narrative weaves around a lot. If you stop playing in the middle and pick up the game again months later, you’re bound to forget what’s going on. I know I did.

The characters didn’t annoy me as much as you would think they would on paper. They all have character development and that’s good. The only character that effectively got on my nerves was Snow. Snow is Serah’s fiancé, and Lightning hates him because of course you need some family drama. I don’t blame Lightning though. Snow shouts cheesy lines left and right, like “Heroes never die!”. He shouts Serah’s name the same way Christian Bale shouts Rachel’s name in the Christopher Nolan Batman films. Snow is quite possibly the most irritating character of all the Final Fantasy games. He will not shut the fuck up about what it means to be a hero.

The rest of the cast works well in that their motives and desires clash with each other. But I’m still sore about the wasted potential for a great character in Jihl Nabaat. Sazh wants his son Dejh back, who was taken to be purged by the sinister and extremely hot Jihl Nabaat.

 Goddaaayyyum. Seriously, look at her.

Too bad, because she’s only featured in a handful of scenes and then dies. Her death isn’t a major spoiler, at least one that I consider, because she hardly does anything except get in the way for a moment. You don’t even fight her. How lame is that?

Then you have this annoying bastard – Primarch Dysley.

When I think of him, I think of Mitch McConnell.

Old. Disagreeable. Been in power for too long. Always in the way of progress.

Primarch Dysley happens to be as annoying as Seymour from Final Fantasy X, so expect to be overjoyed every time you run into him.

Overall, the story isn’t as bad as you’d think. You just have to pay close attention. The gameplay is far worse than the story. I could easily slip into a coma while playing this game and still make it pretty far.

Music:

Final Fantasy XII saw the departure of Nobuo Uematsu (well with the exception of the pop song “Kiss Me Goodbye”). Final Fantasy XIII continues to head into the unknown without the beloved longtime composer. This game’s score is composed entirely by Masashi Hamauzu, who if you haven’t been paying attention, already partly worked on Final Fantasy X.  I immediately saw how “Saber’s Edge”, the boss theme, is similar in nature to the boss theme of Final Fantasy X.

Final Fantasy XIII made the most radical changes to the score. There are no signature themes from the series. No “Prelude” theme, no “Main Theme”, no “Victory Fanfare” theme. Instead, we get a theme called “Fabula Nova Crystallis”.  It plays frequently throughout the game, and almost acts as Serah and Snow’s love theme. In some portions of the game, some woman is singing along. Yes – this is the first time where you roam around a world in a Final Fantasy game with actual pop music playing in the background – “Sunleth Waterscape” to be exact. Final Fantasy XIII’s music gets pretty poppy.

Not saying it’s a bad idea.

Just.

You got pop music playing in the background now.

“Lightning’s Theme” is pretty sick. Her theme plays during the battles in a rendition called “Blinded by Light” – HA GET IT BECAUSE SHE’S LIGHTNING. SO CLEVER.

But Hamauzu was a good choice – the entire score holds up well and sounds like a movie score, with varying motifs running across. It can be a bit more subdued but that’s how contemporary instrumental music is nowadays, especially with film composers like Hans Zimmer.

 Notable Theme:

“Blinded by Light”

Really epic, unique song. I always scat along to it as it plays.

Verdict:

Uff. 

Look, if you just search on YouTube for all the cutscenes, there you go. That’s the game. And it’s entertaining to watch. But it has the worst gameplay that doesn’t feel like you’re even doing anything. No sense of customization or originality.

Direct Sequel?

Yes, two.

Final Fantasy XIII-2.

I started it around the time it first came out, but I’m still in the middle of playing it and I have no idea what’s going on in the story. NO idea. NONE at all. They use time travel but none of it makes sense. Apparently changing things in the future can change the past. I don’t know how. I only understand a vague semblance of a plot with the bad guy Caius. While it doesn’t tarnish the dignity of the original like Final Fantasy X-2 did, it’s still offbeat with its metal (yes, metal) music and utterly confounding story. It’s infamous for this metal rendition of the sweet and innocent Chocobo theme.

Then there’s the third game, Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII

I plan on playing it after I finish Final Fantasy XIII-2, if I don’t already die from an aneurysm by then. It’s supposed to be better than Final Fantasy XIII-2 but lacking in graphics.

#final fantasy #final fantasy xiii #final fantasy xiii-2 #lightning returns #lightning #final fantasy lightning #cloud strife #cloud clone #vanille #jihl nabaat #mitch mcconnell #video games #rpg #video game rpg #fantasy rpg #onvideogames

[monkey-network]

Who is Best Girl in Konosuba?

Welcome back, fellow weebs, to Media & Entertainment Developers Essentials Lessons Book. Today on MEDELB, we’re discussing the question that existed since one of the most disastrous years in the 21st century, 2017. A question that dives into one the greatest anime of all time. Yes, even better than Dragon Ball Z, Cowboy Bebop, and Steven Universe. I am talking about KonoSuba: God's Blessing on this Wonderful World! Today we’re discussing: who is best girl? Aqua? Darkness? Megumin? Your father?

Now it’s important to know that KonoSuba is genius because it supports judicial simplication, a professional term that I can break down for you. Judicational Sampling is the idea that a free society does not impinge on the actual taxing benefits of localized source banks. KonoSuba is genius because it made a lot of money... to make more KonoSuba. It is not Disney, whom is the greatest bottom in the Hollywood industry, but in truth I wouldn’t want it to be. Sometimes, genius is fine where it is and you shouldn’t question it. There are people who question why KonoSuba originated as a light novel, and those people are to be shunned because they also believe Harry Potter is worth reading, straight people are bad, and that ranch dressing is good on pizza. You know, the alt-right and we have enough problems on our hands as it is. And as the great Joe Biden once said,

But today’s focus will be on discussing on who is best girl and how that affects our society. And if you are one of the people unaware of this discussion, then perhaps you should realize that any comments you have contradict themselves and function as your self-righteous wannabe soapbox. In short, you’re acting like a su crit, so please read history. Because ultimately, I am a proud KonoSuba kinnie and member of the intellectual anime community founded by the General Rebecca Sugar. I would appreciate it if you would recognize the context and respect. It. Because ultimately again, I sent you all a respectful anon about this earlier today which you ignore and this sounds, smell, looks, feels, tastes... like Racism. But back to KonoSuba, let us discuss Megumin.

Now, Megumin is a good person. She can create explosions which are big.... explosions, this represents her pride. She wears red which is the color of your blood, so that could mean satanic blood pacts. Megumin represents the resolve in critical deductive intelligent smart reasoning where blind subservience has been... eradicated. But what is blind, subservience? For a simple understanding, think of it as the cooked Molotov of slice of life shows or some other perceptively anodyne prosaic internationalized statement.

Overall, Megumin is a short person so choosing her as best girl is pedophilia and if you try to tell me otherwise, you are a nazi troll and deserve the chamber. And if you agree with me, don’t speak if you’re Afro-American like myself. Because this is just a cartoon for kids and you’re complaining too much about it. Or am I?

Next, we have Darkness, which is a force parallel to light and is also used in the form of attacks in the Kingdom Hearts universe. Those who follow the path of Darkness will usually gain untold power at the expense of something of their former selves, so this naturally explains why she is an explicit masochist. Then again, her real name is Lalatina Dustiness Ford which explains a lot more. We continue asking who she is, and what she is, but nobody is asking how Darkness is. Because looking like the poster child for Aryan superiority with her blonde hair and blue eyes, she isn’t capable of being best girl because that would mean the guillotine for you and I love you too much to not let that happen. She is overall the better character for inventing good things like the dominatrix, but she cannot be best girl because she is a good character and supports capitalism. I too support capitalism but I hate people who think capitalism is alright, if that makes sense.

Aqua is a better contender for best girl because I was fortunate enough to see less porn of her. Kazuma notably has called her worthless, but Kazuma is what internet users would call an braincel. He played video games, so obviously he isn’t one to be speaking on value. Aqua was able to survive getting vored by a frog multiple times, so clearly she is more cunning than the average E-girl. Aqua is able to make the most of her situation and entertain people with watersports.... and tricks. Kingdoms Hearts wishes it had a character named Aqua as cool as this one, but then again, you’d have to wait 4 more years for KH4 so what life would you have? She is mostly blue, which is a color, and I prefer it when anime has color. If it doesn’t, it’s racist. As the wise Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez once said this last November, 

This Disproves Objective Analysis.

She represents the element of the holy flood thesis joining the narrative tripling in subsequent disagreement that there any factual basis to the truth that Kazuma is wrong but because there’s simple authentic observation there is no objective truth. Plus she cries a lot, and if there’s anything I learned from Steven Universe, it’s that if you cry good enough, you can topple entire totalitarian empires. Except for General Rebecca Sugar, because she can smell your fear and absorb it accordingly. She is basically the Mother Teresa of animation. Again, great contender. But we have to consider the others so let’s move on.

Next, we have Wiz. 

...

...

Next, we have Sylvia from their first and latest movie. It’s as they say, if it is new, it is better. I believe Sylvia is more than the sum of their parts, they are caring and charismatic and can turn into a powerful creature. None of the other characters can turn into a powerful creature, and that is why they possess internalized misogyny. The slimy veneer of quasi empiricism can be a very disgusting tool for nefariously slipping in one’s own rotten viewpoint or value. One that you know might otherwise be c̷h̵a̷l̸l̸e̴n̴g̴e̸d̴ ̵a̸s̴ ̸r̵i̷t̸u̵a̷l̵i̴s̵t̷i̴c̵a̷l̶l̵y̶ ̶s̷u̸p̸e̸r̶l̴a̷t̴i̶v̵e̸ ̵o̶r̸ ̷p̶e̵r̵h̷a̵p̵s̵ ̷y̵o̴u̸ ̸t̵h̴i̴n̸k̵ ̷t̴h̶a̶t̶ ̶w̷͍͍̠͉͚̦̦͛̔̓͗̏ā̵̛̬̜̂͋ṙ̸̨̐̌̈̅ ̸̦͔̣̮͔͋̊̑̕i̷̛͎̽̅́͑s̴̠̩̟̝͙̍̏̀͌̑̕ ̷͚͔̦̜̜͊̾̽͊͂j̸̡̨̣̙̮̓͘ų̵̣͚̹̱̐͌̎̑̈̎̆s̶̢͚̺͉̰͂̄̉̾͑ț̵̤̭͔̲̲̮̀͒̏̐̓ ̵̡̙̟̖͐́͋͝p̷̙̳̣̫͍̬͗̽͒̀e̸̻̯̽̆̇́͑͒a̵̡̞̣̫̫̯̰̿͛̅̄̅͂c̷̀͐̊͗͝ͅē̵̠͕̫̙ ̶̻̼̳͑̓̈́̿͐ŵ̷̼̝̣͇̞̞̺̍͋i̸̠͓̪̣̜͍̘͊͂̀̄t̸̟̣͉̼͑̒͜h̵̥̗̲̩̑̏́͜ ̵̡̠͉̝̾̆̌̇͐e̷̢̨̼̺͖̒̈́̃̃̆x̸̟̟͂́̄̍͛́̄t̴͖̣̼̫͇͐͋̆̽̎̚r̷͎̙̯͈͉̲̚a̵̩͎̥̺̮͂̀̃̚ ̸̠̜̣̥̜͍̠̌ṡ̴̢̡̐̽̅̃̇ͅt̴̖̣̹͙̙̼̟̔̐̚͝͝ĕ̵͔͍̤̼̂͌̐̑p̸̡̹̪̻͔̬͕̃̚s̸̫̙̈͛̉̋̉͝ ̶͔͚̽͝y̸̨̘͎̠͕̺̽̉̃o̶̜̥̺͔͑̏ͅu̵̓͜ ̴̨̦͉̀̊͊̓̌̃f̶̢̮̱̳̖̟̼̰͒̊̈͜i̸̯̼̫̩͚̇̉l̸̢̢̯̗̠̪̹͈͎͚̬̭̮̣̬̿̈́̍͘t̸͕͕̮̻̭̰̬͎̻̰̬̙̟̀́̍̋h̷̡̡͎͙̘̩̞̤̰̳͖͙̺͈̅̓͆ͅy̴̡̢̳̤̮̘̻͚̲̪̳̭̗̙͈̽́̔̄̓͊̅̍̓͗͑̓̈̿͝,̵̛͙͚̒͐̍̅̓͗͌̕ ̷̢̡͚̮̜͚͈̖̥̳̹̦̙͈̄́́͛̈́̈́ͅt̸̛̼̯̯̠̰͓̩͍̺̊̽̔͂͑̕ë̵̢̖͕̰͕̜̹̰̫͙̣̩͈́͐͐̿̆̽͌̓̀͐̊̑̀̆͗̕͜ͅͅs̴̢̡̜̯̀͋͛͒͐̌̓̕t̸̃̓̽̈��̠̳̱̙͗̏̋̓̈̏ ̷̧̧̤͉̦̲̜͔̫̤̯́̽͊̕̚t̸̘̲̼̜̱̿̿͑̽́̈́͋̔͘u̶͍̞̜͛͜b̸̛̯̙̼̜͙̏̓̄̽͆̏͘͝ẹ̷̛̉̑̂ ̵̡̡̞͓̱̤̞̫͛̎̆͘͝b̸̡̡̟̫̱́̔̓̋͗̃̊ǫ̶͍͕̼̥̳͕͖̥͈̼̳̎̒͋ͅŕ̶̢̨̧̛̞̝̰̠͍̥̓͛͗͛̃̏̂ņ̷͔̞̜̟̱̮͍͎̹̬̠̰̳̌͠͝,̸̙͕͓̟̥̜͛ ̶̛͓͊̉̑̍̀̿̽̅̓̂͝͝a̷̧͕͎̜̮̟͚̮̦̜̝̺̿̈́̍̀͂̔͝ņ̴̛̰̮̟̤̭̘̲̠̹̲̟̎̉͂̃̈́̅̂͒͑͠͝ͅͅṱ̶̛̥̘̬̖̳̤͈̟̫̻̘̻̅́̿̓͂̒͂̓̏̐̔̈́̊̊͜į̷̧̱͚̱͉̲̺̬͕̙̀̅̔̆-̷̫͈̳̩͔̠͕͖̹̲̓͊̂̅̈́̔̈́̔̍̎̒̇͌́̃͘͜͜S̶̘̻̱͖̗̠̩̥̝̺̻͕̪̯̊͒͆̽͐́̀͠͝ͅJ̸̨̝̲̬͕͈̘̞̠̱͖̮̒͑̈́̎̃̄̍̃̚͘̚͝ͅͅẂ̸̡̖͉̞͍̙̲͈͈̜̼̪̯̱͇͉̋́͋̎́͗̿̋̈́͂̈́̽̉̚ ̴̣͓̼̟̼̬̙̜͈̰̼̼̖̣̆̅̋̽̕͝͠C̷̙͉̭̜̭̞̝̲̳̰̊̓̃͝E̵̤̟̮͠N̵̨̢̼̱̺̭̦̟̳̪̻̘̿͛̀͜ͅT̸̹͚̆͆͐̊̀̏͑̓̈͝ͅR̸̛̮̲͇̼̻͇̹̙̞̤͎̗̾̊̈́͊͗̋͑̅̿̓̐̔̔͝͝ͅI̵̧̩͕̼̱͚͈̻͎̮̝̖̰̐̑͛̎̂̃̇̇̀̈́́̃̕͠S̶̞̘͔̈́̒̑͒́T!! But, Sylvia is dead, so as much as I wanted to consider, they can’t be best girl so we must move on. 

Next we have Yunyun. It is said that she “forms a rivalry with Megumin as an excuse to create a friendship.” Now we could call her a beta cuckquean, but that would imply you have a life outside a human being. As our current president once said, 

I’m never a Trump supporter myself, but this is wisdom I can kinda get behind regardless. Sure he ghost wrote this, but not all wisdom comes from the mouth. However, Yunyun represents the normalcy of KonoSuba, and as such could be a nice change of pace for those too dependent on the definitive waifu. She has big jiggly boobs, sure, but have you ever considered that her boobs have, personality? A lot of otakus and bronies have not been understanding this as of late, as I feel we’ve overlooked something far more important: Tactile anime feel. We can stare at breasts all we wish, but how realistic are her proportions? You can say it’s fiction all you want, and you’d be right, but if I’m envious that the fiction women have better boobs than mine, my opinion is now better than yours. What I’m getting at is that Yunyun is like a ghost, you try to find her, you search for them, and you look for them, and you try to find them, but you can’t find them, thus they are empty handed.

The last contender is Kazuma, who is the villain of KonoSuba because he doesn’t act like the typical isekai protagonist. He isn’t like Kirito from SAO who was almost involved in incest or Sonic the Hedgehog who believed stalking people is okay as long as you’re alone. As Luigi Mario once said, “It is common, but not too common.” He spits in the face of a critically stupid people because he believes in true gender equality. Those who don’t believe in this philosophy are mostly women, and that’s okay. He must clearly be best girl because he is asserted with the phrase “Give and take”. Most people complain about 11 hour Youtube videos, but they can hardly spend three hours overthrowing their bastardizing governments. Which is why Ligma is not running in the 2020 presidential election, because you keep putting your time in the wrong cubby hole. KonoSuba is a complicated anime, and Kazuma is the crux of that complication. So the sooner you can understand Kazuma, the more you’ll understand KonoSuba; that is why he’s considerably best girl. Otherwise, go play World of Warcraft like the mainstream loving psuedo-intellectual toesucking simp that you are.

To conclude, KonoSuba has a lot to think about for a smart people. Choosing best girl is not about finding your interest, it’s about avoiding callout culture because you have shit taste. If there’s enough controversy, I avoid it unless it can benefit me in the long and short term. Clearly Aqua is the choice for when you yourself have little to prove, Yunyun understandably for when you have nothing to gain, Kazuma for when you want to feel better about yourself. In any case, if you are not horny on main, you are probably the reason Trump got elected because you are yourself sexually fascistic. Sorry, I don’t make the rules and ergo this post was never made for you. Real, in-depth nitty gritty perspective, prescriptive criteria for denationalization context barriers are still alive on the internet. Ultimately, we must decide on whether or not this was all worth it. Simplicity is hard to strive for, but that is why people only use five percent of another’s argument. Or else we’re fans of the She-ra reboot, always over-complicating the idea that kinship will save the day in the end and thinking the creator didn’t copy the great works of famous Shark Tale actor Martin Scorsese. You know? Tankies. I myself have made a long post expressing this complicated issue, but then again, I am a chronophobe. I fear time and I would appreciate if you wouldn’t timeshame me, you potential ablest. So in truth, you choose who is best girl because you are valid. Not more than I but still.

Thank you for reading my post. If you liked this essay, please comment. It’s free. If you liked my paypal, please donate. It’s free. Sharing this would be highly appreciated. It’s free. Dollar Dash Share is offering a free shaving earbud for the first ten sign ups when you use the promo code, ‘MNKY’. Make sure to try out their Curiosity streaming service and use the 5000 silver to unlock new warriors or maps. Thank you for reading............ KonoSuba.

#konosuba #satou kazuma #megumin #aqua #darkness #yunyun #sylvia #wiz #anime #long post #analysis #april fools #april fools 2020

[onslaughtsix]

So here’s the bit, right?

When I started writing music (literally a decade ago) the idea was to form a band with my long-distance best friend onslaught86 (the names are only sort of a coincidence; our real life first names being the same is definitely one). The idea was that he would learn to sing and do most of the lyrics and I would learn to play guitar and do backups. So I learned how to play guitar and he...didn’t do shit.

Alright, that’s a lie and makes it seem like I’m bitter about it. He did write, a lot. Because that’s what we used to do, is write together! Initially we just wrote Transformers fanfiction. That’s where we got the idea; the world’s first Internet band (recording all our shit online and passing them through the etherwebs) which focused almost entirely on Transformers songs. 

Because that would sell. (This was in like, 2005? 2006? We did not yet have the live action Transformers films.) 

Let’s fast forward a little. I’m getting there. I’m playing guitar (although not well) and with the help of Fruity Loops, I am composing music for the first time. I have equipment available to me from my father and can do vocals (as bad as my singing is). 86 doesn’t do this but sometimes he sends me lyrics because I can’t write for shit. My earliest songs show this, although literally some of those lyrics survived onto the album i released in 2014 (which I still, sadly, consider the true pinnacle of the Onslaught Six musical project). 

Faced with the coming realization and dilemma that 86 may never learn to sing and record vocals, I now realize I may be the lead singer of my own one-man band. I am not great at articulating what feelings I may have, if any, that are not raw anger and hatred. 86′s lyrics, when they aren’t obtuse bullshit that sounds great (a skill I slowly picked up over the next few years), are deeply personal and obtusely fucked up shit that I cannot possibly sing--because I don’t feel it.

I tried at different points to write what I called “sensitive” material. “Emotional” material may be a better descriptor. Whatever. I can’t sing about my feelings. Writing about them makes me self conscious. I can’t get past that barrier, can’t do the Trent Reznor “open my journal and make it into lyrics.” Covering a few early NIN songs only proved that I was ill suited to singing about that. I learned over time it was usually better to spit out fast shit about robots killing each other, or people killing each other, or people killing robots, or whatever. I reached some pretty good shit with that and any times I did venture out, I was careful to keep it in an angry wheelhouse.

In 2009 I got with Randi, who was futilely attempting to write bad Amanda Palmer piano punk songs that she recorded with a webcam microphone and put on Myspace. If that sounds fucking embarassing, it is. (I still think there was a good song or two in there, and maybe one day I’ll dig through the hard drives to find one and embarass her.) Shortly after we started dating she even wrote a song about her experiences sleeping at my house, and wasn’t afraid to record it and show it to me.

This was my emotional ticket out.

We tried in 2010 to do a cover song to demo out what we thought a potential band of ours would sound like. I played bass (I could not play bass) and she played piano and sang, and we tried futilely to cover Sisters of Mercy’s Floorshow. This went horribly, and we didn’t really try anything for years afterwards. Of note, Sisters of Mercy became a major influence on our band.

In January of 2013, Reapers is born, thrashing and screaming on a dying laptop with the help of an out of tune Korg Poly 800 and way too much Mass Effect 2. We made something without thinking about genre definitions, boundaries, playing it live, or anything of the sort. After it was finished, we basically decided “Is this synthwave? I guess this is synthwave.” We named the band after the song (and because the Bandcamp username was available). We spent some time writing more songs and eventually released an EP and album, Turbine.

Turbine is not really a coherent release--it’s some old songs from the EP and some new shit to make a good sounding record but it has no central concepts, beyond some general theming. I wanted to alleviate that with our next album that took 2 years to come out, Visions of Mercury. 

In VoM (the worst acronym ever) I started writing by myself, at night, driving home from my job at 6:30am. I was apart from Randi for the nights (I still am but she drives me now--long story) and was starting to feel the distance. And for the first time, I wrote about it.

Because I wouldn’t be singing about it?

Randi had no problem being emotional about herself. Our arguably most successful song is about how sad she was when Tony Soprano killed Big Pussy on The Sopranos. There are at least 3 songs on the last album about her drug-addled father’s possible suicide that she feels partly responsible for. She is my emotional ticket out for writing. If it’s for Reapers, I can write it, because I have some coherent metaphors that I can lean on and make it sort of about something else that isn’t directly me, and I don’t have to perform it and feel self conscious about it. Like, what the fuck are my feelings so important for that I have to write about them? But if she’s singing it then I’m just furthering the band. It’s fine!

Visions of Mercury’s central metaphor is that the space in, uh, outer space is a metaphor for the space between people--emotionally and physically. The title track started when I sang it into my phone while driving home. (It was more like a Cure song then. I was listening to Disintegration a lot, okay?) I was alone and spending nights away and all I really wanted to do was quit and stay at home, but that isn’t viable in this economy so fuck it, you do what you gotta do. And that lead into the Mass Effect connections and metaphors--in every ME game, the last mission (usually called “the point of no return” by players, since it is the last point in the game you can do sidequests/upgrades/etc. before the climactic moments) you get to have sex with your chosen waifu or husbando that you’ve been romancing the entire game (or multiple games!) because, presumably, they could all die in the final mission so they want to get their shit over with. (In ME2 you can actually get over half your crew members killed permanently in the final mission because you made a mistake.) 

So I’ve been leaning into that now. The new album is even more apocalyptic and finite than the last--so far our top choice for a title is REVELATIONS, after one of the tracks, about the biblical end of the world. One of the songs we just completed has the lines, “I’ve seen far too goddamn many people die/I’ve come far too far to give up this fight,” which pretty much sums up Shep in ME. We’re leaning into that, and leaning into the emotional stuff too--another song is a huge synthy guitar skullfucker that has Randi screaming “Just let me stay in here” as if her life depends on it. 

I’m not sure what the point of writing this was, but I guess my thing is, I think it’s fucking weird that I can’t write emotionally about myself unless I’m going to have someone else sing about it. Is that weird? Or is this a problem only I have because of the extremely specific circumstances?

[kasssiopeia]

Final thoughts on NDRV3

posted under cut because spoilers!

So I want to write a little review for.. i dont even know whos gonna read that? probably nobody that still wants to play the game afterwards, haha. Anyway I felt like writing a final report on what I liked or... disliked, at least for the record I guess.

Starting with characters:

When I first watched the trailer, there were quite a few characters that caught my eye. Especially Yonaga and Amami, also Saihara and talent wise I was really looking forward to Ultimate Magician cause?? Nice? Also the promo pictures oh my.. Akamatsu and Harukawa?? Hell yeah. Saihara and Momota? Yeah alright! Amami and.. whos that again? Ah yes Ouma.. well I don’t really care but sure? (haha)

Actually playing the game made me think twice on a lot of characters really quickly. First of all I immediately fell in love with Chabashira and the fact that she and Akamatsu got along was just suuuper exciting!! Also Shinguuji seemed interesting but his story seemed a bit difficult for me to understand in Japanese. After getting to know Hoshi for a bit I also became really attached to this character cause he was kinda relatable for me? and I dont mean because of the same alias, I just felt his kinda nihilism and will to sacrifice himself for the others cause they have more “will to live” hit home really closely. I think if it were me, surely I’d behave similarly. Halfway through the story I suddenly realized I really love Ouma, I don’t even know how that happened cause at first I was kinda meh towards him but smh it happens quite often that characters who pissed me off before suddenly become my bias, soo we are stuck with him now I guess? but ill talk about him in more detail later. Saihara turned out to be a true “meh i dont really care about this guy” character, Harukawa was annoying cause in the end her behaviour changed nothing and it was just plain boring. Hagakure.. I mean Momota was same, and it was even worse that these two kinda became a romantic pair cause that just made them even more boring. I could only acknowledge Momota after it was found out that he agreed to Oumas plan.

Also I ended up disliking most of the other characters, ESPECIALLY Yumeno cause she was equally boring and useless and dont act like you ever cared about Chabashira cause Im not buying that. Angie WOULD have been interesting if she had killed someone after all, but yeah whatever. Shinguuji had the potential but they decided to completely fuck over his character in his trial.

The game mode:

Tbh at this point, I cant really complain much? I gotta say I disliked logic dive and forgot how its called.. the sword mode something something. But then again I played this on pc and I think both wouldve been a lot easier with a controller. Now lets look at brain drive, which works similar like logic dive and... what? i have to pick up sex workers? Saihara’s car is full of sexy ladies? WHAT

seriously i dont know what they were thinking but that just weirded me the fuck out. The rest wasnt so bad. The new game mode they brought in wasnt so bad, relatively easy to win but to this day id need so much more time to figure out how to clear every block. The showdown thing?? pretty shit. I liked panic talk action in the previous games, but now it became a button mashing rhythm game that was.. pretty difficult aint gonna lie. Also the fact that you literally tear off their clothes until they are half naked in the end.. what. the. fuck.  Climax logic was alright, but the pictures got really tiny i think? sometimes it was hard to get what was going on unless you read the description. Scrum debatte was great, and the new feature to lie? ... Meh. Smh from the trailer I got the impression that i could either lie or tell the truth. Maybe I was just too stupid to do that, but i dont think i ever had a choice to do either. If someone was able to do different, please tell me cause I was a bit disappointed. Ah also, weak point panic talk(?) where you have to listen to many characters at first. if im not wrong it was introduced as something only Akamatsu can do? because of her musical ear I mean. Well guess that was a lie,

The trials:

Probably THE main thing in dangan ronpa I mean hey we all came here to enjoy a little murder mystery right? (jk im here to romance the characters in peace mode) Let’s say I wasn’t... too impressed with them.

The first trial was pretty interesting, well done too, if it WASNT for the point that the player character herself was the killer and got executed. Wait what, you just took my character away? after the FIRST trial? Yes exactly. I’m not sure what they were thinking except adding a bit more drama and man pain for Saihara but ill write more to that later. At the end of this trial, everyone cried more for the killer than for the victim just because her motive was something as noble as “I knew we wouldnt make it in time so one of us had to kill someone.”

second trial was... incredibly weird and unnecessarily cruel, and I’m not saying this because Hoshi is my bias. Okay maybe I am. But seriously first he gets drowned and then his corpse is eaten by piranhas so theres not even anything left of him anymore? The whole creating a ropeway with a pool floating thing just felt weird to me as well but sure I wrote it off as “after two games theyll eventually run out of ways”. Speaking about the motive... it was similar to the first murder in dr1, but the fact that Toujou turned out to be some president of a country (if I got that right, I was bored and didnt bother checking unknown words) and she wanted to get out to save her people just.. what? And I said this before but I dont believe that Hoshi just “let himself get killed”. Why’d he fight for his life otherwise and leave all those scratch marks on a fucking stone sink? After the trial, again, nobody cried for the victim, they were all ridden on the killers noble idea of getting out.... okay? what

the third trial!! hell yeah!! that was finally one i could really enjoy, despite my waifu getting killed (but she was beautiful until the end). I actually dont know what really got me to like this murder, but the fact that it was definitely plausible maybe helped. Also when it happened right in front of everyone was just really exciting! The trial was... good, until Shinguujis “real identity” was revealed. His motive was pretty gross, I mean the fact that hes romantically in love with his sister and kills for her, which also implied hes a serial killer just.. idk that was weird, but FINALLY they didnt cry for the killer but for the victims.

trial four was a PAIN to get to, istg this stupid game world pissed me off to the point where i didnt  wanna play anymore, also cause i heavily suspected Ouma to do something and I didnt want him gone haha. The death itself turned out to be pretty interesting (tbh i wouldve never thought theyd kill of a ero character like Iruma! ) so I’d say i liked this trial.

Dude trial five!!! hyped me up so much. I was so torn between hoping Ouma is the killer and also Ouma being the victim... if I ignore the stupid romance interval between Harukawa and Momota, I could even say this was my favorite trial. But it also heavily reminded me of Komaeda’s trial which was a bit.. weird. I got pretty pissed that in the end, Momota didnt go through with Oumas plan, therefore making his death basically useless.  But boy the trial gave me so  many Ouma feels, so that was nice...

The sixth and final trial... where do I even start? Well its where the whole plot comes to an end right? And the kotodama looked pretty interesting, just like the build up but then.. I understand that 4th wall breaking is cool, but do it too much or at the wrong time and its just a pain in the ass.

The trial almost had me throw away my ps vita in frustration also it was so boring i ended up skipping a lot of dialogue cause what are you even trying to get at? Not even the end or some more 4th wall breaking could fix this and literally until the end i was so bored that i just skipped through so i could unlock bonus mode... i almost feel like telling everyone, dont play this game now lol.

The story

If the beginning had you wondering, isnt that normal for all dr games? at least i thought so. normal game, normal killing, great. But the new main character! Akamatsu was pretty lovable. I enjoyed the way she brought in her talent into conversations (and left others stunned cause they couldnt relate). She was just really refreshing to play as, just the small romance-y sections with Saihara were boring (but at this point i thought its just being friends so okay) . Compared to Naegi who was seen by the others mostly as a “loser” or weakling who sometimes says something good, and Hinata whom everyone really liked, Akamatsu seemed to me like having some people who really trust her, and those who are somehow against her. AND THAT FELT RIGHT.

Too bad she literally gets killed as the murderer during the FIRST trial and replaced by Saihara who evidentally gives off a ~Naegi vibe~. Seriously why would you even do that.. It was stupid as heck, but the only good thing is that it saved us from possible Saihara and Akamatsu love story.

Continuing, Saihara loses some of his weakness thanks to Momota, and also it is hinted that Ouma can’t really be trusted or can he...? Cause what he did that was thought to be evil and possibly harmful for the others actually turned out to be a way to at least prevent one killing. After that I got the feeling that he actually grew just a little bit closer to the group and became even more helpful again.

Then we have these weird scenes with Harukawa and Momota, which are just weird and Harukawa herself was a boring character, but if you care for some tragic background and forseeable character development that of course has to end with romantic feelings, sure.

The student council thing to prevent murders from happen was actually pretty interesting and i wish theyd gone through with that just a bit more, but it was a nice turn of events.

Talking about Ouma, the moment you think hes on your side, theres this weird scene with him and Monokuma and you know somethings up. I made a post about this earlier too, wishing for him to double cross everyone and eventually turn out good, but that suddenly turned into a pretty far fetched wish after the fourth trial where hes portrayed as ultra evil and later on reveals that hes the mastermind (wait, is he really? should his black and white clothing scheme have given him away sooner?)

i guess i... didnt mind it so much except for the fact that Ouma wont appear that often anymore. he even goes as far as to say that the killing game is over, but isnt it kinda boring that the character who hinted that he was evil, turns out to be evil after all? Well a lot of things in this game were a bit boring, so... sure. We even learn that Ouma is a remnant of despair and what?? how does that even make sense. If they are supposedly students of the new Kibougamine Gakuen which was built by Naegi, Junko and Despair wouldve long been dead! Alright then? Oh yes also the whole setting ins in SPACE and those students are the last 16 humans from earth who were put in cryosleep until they reached a new planet to live on. Oh...kay? Why not I mean.

For Hope to win, everyone sets out to kill Monokuma to finally make the Killing game end for real and.. look, Ouma is helping them! Somehow that is really giving me hope for his character even if his insane laugh and incredibly creepy sprite (seriously what the fuck) are a bit unsettling...

And then.. who wouldve thought? Another killing happens but this time with a twist. Ouma wasnt actually the ultra bad guy everyone thought and guess what! Hes not even the mastermind! Thats my son. I was super happy that some faith in Ouma was restored, even tho his plan to snuff out the true mastermind reminded me of Komaeda going crazy to single out the traitor... especially cause there are quite a few similarities between those two.

So for the final trial, it seems that there are quite a few hints linking to the true mastermind being Enoshima... again? How did she even get here. But theres some weird plan from the government and the fact that Monokuma is here as well might be that someone implanted some sort of virus like in sdr2? We also know that theres definitely someone who is watching the whole killing game. And thats... where it all goes to shit.

This dangan ronpa is the 53rd installment and the people watching are actually dangan ronpa fans! surprise youre all just fictional characters who chose to be here, and so is every other dangan ronpa character! nothing is real, you dont even really exist! lololol

do i need to say any more

I think that was the worst plot twist ive ever seen? You couldve just somehow figured something out, even make it a reality tv show for crying out loud but not some bullshit like ohh the dangan ronpa fans wanna see you despair! they wanna see you have hope!

fuck. off.

if it wasnt for that ending, that game wouldve been a solid 7/10 I’d say, especially with the last 3 chapters really getting me fired up. But that shit.. Its a literal, oh we just made this game cause you fans wanted it? we didnt actually wanna make this but you keep asking for more?

HOW ABOUT YOU DIDNT EVEN MAKE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE

im gonna go romance ouma in peace mode now bye

#hoshis adventures at uni #hoshi plays ndrv3 #ndrv3 spoilers #ndrv3 review #this is nothing but a salty rant i lied

[your-waifu-is-trash]

Let’s talk about my mental health in correlation to my birthday, shall we? Don’t read if you don’t want to know about my personal issues, or don’t want to read about self-harm or depression.

I wrote a large piece for myself on New Year’s, and I found it extremely cathartic, so I think it’s time I really dig into myself.

Let’s start basic. Why do I hate my birthday, and never find enjoyment from it?

It starts with my family. They’re a great family, they do a ton for me, and I know they love me. But the thing is, they’re never here for my birthday. Every year since I was in middle school, one or both of my parents have not been around to celebrate the anniversary of my birth. Wanting them to be present is pretty selfish, they’re busy adults with lives of their own, and celebrating an arbitrary day isn’t really a pertinent use of their time, especially since I’m 23 years old now. As a rational adult, this shouldn’t bother me as much as it does, but I can’t help but feel like I mean less as a result of the family not being in attendance. It’s irrational, but my mental illness prevents me from being able to really rationalize it, despite knowing the rationale.

I also am reminded of my initial parents. For those who aren’t aware, I was adopted by my current family. My birth parents, I have never met. To my knowledge, they are either dead or no longer in the country. My mother wanted to conceal/terminate her pregnancy, but failed, and I was born in a hotel in San Antonio. My father is a Central American of some sort. I understand he’s been deported due to drug related crimes, but I do not know. All this information steels my sense of self-worthlessness. Despite the fact that I should be drawn to the fact that I was chosen by my current family, I cannot help but dwell on the fact that I was abandoned and unwanted by those who brought me into this world. I think about the pain and suffering I brought on the people who conceived me, and think to myself “They would have been happier if I was aborted.” Another irrational thought, but another thing I can’t shake from my mind. Despite those thoughts, I’m very much pro-choice and pro-women’s rights to the choices they make with their bodies.

Combine these two thought processes with my already prominent self-loathing, which comes from years of insecurity from a variety of issues, namely bullying (not really going to get into the rest now) and my normally cheerful disposition and middle-of-the-road outlook on life takes a severe dive during the days surrounding my birthday. I’m reminded of the emotions I felt during the end of January in 2014, when I reached an all-time low because of the pre-mentioned issues and school-related problems, and I attempted to take my own life. I can very clearly recall how I felt that night, and I relate to those feelings now. I don’t have those same desires, suicide is far from a thought on my mind, but I understand very much WHY I felt that way, and what other feelings I’m experiencing.

Now, while not directly related to my birthday, I’d like to discuss other aspects of my mental health. Again, this is for cathartic purposes, not because I’m specifically looking for an ear to listen to or anything.  In the two weeks leading up to my suicide attempt in 2014, I spent most of my time playing Persona 3 alone in my parent’s house. The themes in that game, primarily the apathy of life expressed by the main character, and the CRIPPLING depression felt by the main cast towards the end of the game (no spoilers) really spoke to me. I related incredibly deeply to Aigis, the robot, whom had lost all purpose in her life, and no longer wished to live. I jokingly say things like “Aigis is my waifu” but honestly, it’s not like that for me. I’ve never related to a character written in fiction more than I do to her, especially during the darkest days of my life. Persona 3 is my favorite game because of the emotional connection that I made to every single member of the cast and the overbearing feeling of hopelessness and depression that game exudes in its final act.

I don’t remember the point I was trying to make writing that down, but again, catharsis, I guess I don’t need a purpose to record these things.

I’ve also spent a lot of time thinking about my sexuality as well. I honestly don’t even know what I can classify myself as, at this point. I’m not heterosexual, but I’m not homosexual either. I don’t feel physical attraction to other people, so I guess I’m asexual, but I still crave some sort of affection. I want to be alone, but I’m cripplingly lonely most of the time. I don’t know if what I feel has a classification, nor do I particularly care. What’s more interesting to me is why I feel the way I do. I’ve had romantic feelings in the past, a few passing crushes, a single serious love, but nothing has ever really come of it. I haven’t felt a romantic attachment to another person since I was in high school, and I think the root cause is my depression. I think I’m a despicable person, unworthy of love or affection from anyone. I can’t take compliments because I legitimately think I have no redeeming qualities. I try to be a kind and benevolent person, but I find myself saying cruel and hurtful things to the people who matter most to me. I’m awful to everyone, and knowing these things about myself, I cannot bring myself to allow any feelings to another person in that regard.

My loneliness is self-imposed due to my self-hatred, but I feel like my self-analysis is a fair one. I’m scared to open up to people, and there are only legitimately 3 people who I feel comfortable enough to trust to talk about my problems to, and even then I don’t, because I’m a burden and a mess, not worth the time wasted. The most heartfelt and honest I’ve ever been with someone was when they themselves were where I was that fateful night. They’d self-harmed, and were more vulnerable than I’d ever seen them. It scared me, and I realized that it’s impossible to get through life alone, so I let myself open up to them as they had me.

To summarize my feelings, I’d say I’m okay right now. I’m still depressed, but I’m able to distract myself with work. I’m still lonely, but the time I do get to spend with my friends, I cherish more than anything. I hate myself, but I try to see myself through the eyes of my friends, whom probably wouldn’t share my company if they felt about me the way I feel about myself. All I can say now is, thank you, everyone, for putting up with me. For my friends who love me, you mean more to me than you can possibly know. I’m sorry I’m so distant, so quiet, so rude, but I’m scared of saying the wrong thing and losing you. To everyone else, if you relate to anything I’ve said here, please do not hesitate to contact me. I know what it’s like to be alone, to feel unwanted and worthless, and if I can somehow help, in any way, I want to help you. You are worth it.

I love all of you.

Jon

#myself #depression #self-harm #self-hate #introspection