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system-of-a-feather · 1 year

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Some Anecdotal Debunking Things About DID Treatment and DID in General

So we're thinking of possibly taking a VOLUNTARY break from therapy as we swap insurances, pick up a new job, open a new part in life etc due to it being an additional complication and we have gotten to a place in healing where we are not as dependent on regular professional support (though we do intend to return when settled to work through a few more things)

And while I know its no where compared to how long some others have been in it, after 7 years of weekly / biweekly therapy and 5 years of DID specialist therapist who explicitly worked with the FBI that helped victims from trafficking cases (luckily not us) just some straight up things about DID that I see non-DID people saying especially on a certain other website that starts with r and ends int t.

Thought it would be a fun thing to do while biking and before studying.

DISCLAIMER: This is based on my experience in healing and working with my therapist. My answers are not the only experience. This is 100% anecdotal. I don't think this will get big enough for me to need to say this, but do not use this post as evidence for literally anything.

"DID isn't having a bunch of friends in your head talking and making jokes and waiting for turns!"

Eh, usually not but why can't it be? Like it takes time and work but people without DID can sit in their head and make jokes at themselves and have fun with themselves. Why is it so outlandish that someone with DID could eventually be happy enough with themselves to get that? Cause tbh, its a lot of how thing are now for us so...

"DID is due to severe and horrific childhood trauma! There can't be this many people who experienced that!"

Oh how I WISH I had your naivety.

"No therapist would just acknowledge something! They would always diagnose! If they don't diagnose you don't have it."

Nah they do. Sometimes its not the main or relevant concern to diagnose (as DID is the primary diagnosis) and other times the diagnosis itself is stigmatizing and/or not the strongest in its construct (a lot of personality disorders) or most of the symptoms of that disorder are mostly covered by other disorders; or just straight up they don't like to diagnose those disorders for a number of clinical reasons. Also, sometimes people are undiagnosable which does not mean "does not have" but that their specific case makes it impossible to create a certain diagnostic differential as it is unclear which came first. We are undiagnosable for autism as we have had an autism and trauma specialist both say we behave and appear very autistic however we have too few overt dysfunctions so it is unsure if we "learned it" from the two family members we have + have OCD, OCPD and PTSD or if we are just a well-adjusted / adapted individual. Either way, it would hardly be a relevant diagnosis, so no therapist finds value in trying to spend time getting the the core of it.

"You can't switch on command!"

Yes but no. You can learn to be really good at switching and drawing parts out but there will always be a margin of error cause shit be like that.

"You can't have two alters talking at the same time at the front! You can't rapid switch"

Yeah nah, we've had four it's chill. Welcome to lessening dissociative barriers.

"You can't split alters after childhood"

the fuck you on about of course you can life sucks after childhood too dumbass

"Introjects / Fictional Introjects aren't real!"

Nah. *sips drink in introject*

"Animal alters aren't real! Inanimate object alters aren't real!"

Nah. Our therapist has seen dragons and zombies and werewolves, we had even specifically mentioned this. They're pretty darn common.

"Why are all their alters QUEER?"

Have you considered.... that they might be queer? Just a thought.

"If you had DID people would know! It would be obvious!"

Nope.

"If you had DID no one would know! It would be covert!"

Also nope.

"A GOOD therapist would not let you operate as different parts! They wouldn't feed into the delusion! They'd have you fuse"

Wow, I didn't know forcing your patient to do anything is the HALLMARK of a good therapist, thanks for letting me know. /s

"DID is a life altering disorder! It would ruin your life! You would be unable to do anything!"

Uhhhh no. That's just infantilizing and honestly a really negative / problematic thing to say about anyone with mental illness. Thats the shit that perpetuates the "this mentally ill person should be institutionalized 24/7

"People with DID can't drive!"

Partially true. A lot of people with DID can struggle with driving, but plenty can navigate that.

"Parts can't talk to one another! Parts don't know about eachother! Parts dont know / talk / do XYZ"

Nope. Just that shits all dumb ngl get your head out of your ass.

"People with DID would hate having parts! People with DID would not actually identify as multiple people! People with DID would be chronically miserable!"

Bro stop. Not true.

"People with DID would ALWAYS identify as multiple people. People with DID would LOVE having parts"

Not as common of a thing I've heard but also not true

"Befriending and sharing your experiences / being overt with your DID expression is only harmful and only worsening the condition."

Nah a large part of DID recovery is learning about your disorder and the parts you have to navigate life with and realistically it is very difficult to hide this disorder from people who are permanent parts in your life so a lot of the time - at least with your close personnel - it's very important to be open and communicative about it and leave space for all parts to exist as they wish.

"You can't have THAT many disorders"

Have you read about how badly chronic childhood stress fucks up the body and brain? People with DID tend to have a fucking essay worth of diagnoses. Chronic childhood traumatic stress is extremely damaging and taxing.

That's all for now cause I need to get to studying but just a few. Maybe Ill add more as I think of more stupid things I've heard.

EDIT: one more important one

"XYZ trauma isn't real! This is all just the Satanic Panic! False Memories! Iatrogenic! XYZ trauma is fake! RAMCOA isn't real!"

You are a mother fucking little bitchy asshole huh. Who the fuck do you think you are? Please refer to fucking #2 and I wish I had your naivety

#alter: riku #actuallydid #dissociative identity disorder #fakeclaiming #did #probably some xiv snark too #ill give him credit #i dont hear him but probably passive influence #alter: xiv

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dreamingdolls · 4 years

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I’m tired

CW: Lots of swearing because I’m done and meh, it’s a coping mechanism of sorts.

Tired. Fatigued. Exhausted. Whatever word you wanna use. A bunch of things both big and small have just been stacking up way too much over the past months and fuck it I need to vent and let it all out.

I’m tired of my mom going full fucking Karen with this pandemic, ignoring all the advice and regulations put into place and just about ridiculing me when I want to make sure I stick to them myself.

I’m tired of this guy in our gaming group constantly making snark remarks and jokes at me because he’s still hurt I dared not name him by name and instead list him as an “etc” (context: We splintered off from our WoW guild to play XIV, and wanted to ask if others wanted to join us, so I listed the people we play with there). You had been inactive for two months dude. I’ve already apologized but you’re still convinced I have some vendetta against you.

I’m tired of this friend who I’ve listened to his problems and tried to give advice to over and over and over still insisting on calling me dude when I’ve fucking told him I don’t want any male-gendered words directed my way. No I don’t care you use it as a “gender neutral” term. I don’t. End of story.

I’m tired of my mother claiming she’s oh so supportive of my being trans because gasp!! She doesn’t outright disown me for it!! Still deadnaming me and telling me I have to pretend for family and her colleagues though. “Oh but I’m only deadnaming you with my friends because I don’t want them to ask difficult questions.” Cool, if it’s all in my best interest, I say stop it, and if they do ask, idk, maybe fucking call them out on their bullshit and actually show you are supportive.

I’m tired of helping people achieve their goals in the games we play only for them to then turn a blind eye when I have a goal that requires group play. When I play with pugs more regularly than our actual group because yall got what you wanted how the fuck do you think I feel.

I’m tired of living in a world where it’s a nightmare to be autistic. The autism isn’t the issue. How people will treat you for it is. I’ve seen fake-progressives going all “don’t use the r-word” then turn around and use autism as an insult instead. Well fucking done. And you wonder why I just stay quiet. God fucking forbid my autism shows.

And on that note, I’m tired of being told shit is problematic and then nobody bothering to explain why. I’m tired of being afraid to even ask questions, because simply asking feels like it’s already going to get you fucking cancelled. Hi. Yeah. I’m autistic. I need shit explained *clearly* in words that don’t keep contradicting each other.

I’m fucking pissed off that I’m always there for people when they get shit news but when my father mailed me some weeks ago he never wants to see me again nobody even fucking bothered to ask me if I’m okay. Hell most people probably forgot because I didn’t make a huge scene out of it. Is that what it takes to get a fucking pulse? Yes I hate him. Have done so for years. But fuck me it’s still my father. It still fucking means I’m now never even going to have the chance of mending anything there.

I’m angry at this group I used to play with, that mine splintered off from, telling me I abandoned them cause I mostly play with my own group. I was literally the only one from the group that once was still trying to keep in touch with you guys and the thanks I get is a fucking “we dont want you back”. Fine. I can see why everybody wanted to get rid of you guys.

I’m tired of getting fucking abandoned by everyone. I can only make plans to play Overwatch with you and have you neglect it so many times. I can only hear you say “oh I’m gonna chill to end the night with these people” this many nights, like thanks, apparently us playing isn’t chill enough. I can only have my hopes raised only for them to be dropped that many times.

A special fuck you to the person who after lots of protesting got me to install LoL to play it with them, then one night after I bit the bullet and played Overwatch with her friend group, total strangers to me, we played my game and she told me I had upset her after accommodating to literally anything she wanted - she wanted to play HotS on US where I don’t have my full character roster despite the fact I played LoL on US for her so she could have her roster, it wouldn’t have made a damn difference for her cause she’d be new to HotS either way, then handpicking mode and what character I should play to best work with her pick and everything - and then just after half a year friendship and entrusting a lot of our personal lives to each other just randomly deciding to remove me off her friend list. Never explained what I had done wrong that night.

Fuck it, I’ll just admit it. With my other groups seemingly having decided they no longer wanted to play together I saw her as my best friend. Maybe even developed a crush. We literally played LoL every fucking night until like noon my time cause of time difference, laughed on voice chat and everything. And then bam. Gone. Just like that. I know she’s not gonna read this but fuck it. I miss her despite the anger I feel writing this.

I’m tired of being nice to people who turn out to be hateful.

I’m. So. Goddamn. Exhausted. And all of this needed to get out. So there.

#personal #Lis is mad at the world

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caladhel-iarian · 4 years

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LFC Caladhel/Kaito(Final Fantasy Edition)

What I’m Looking For: People to deal with this curmudgeon. He needs more friends, rivals, enemies, fans, and interaction in general.

Fandom: Final Fantasy XIV.

Server: Crystal data center, Balmung server.

Venues I Actively Roleplay In: Tumblr, Discord, Google documents.

Favorite Type of RP: I’m not entirely sure what this means, but my favourite stories tend to happen when the ball rolls “from nothing”; as in, little, one-line joke posts that snowball into full-blown story wholly driven by the characters.

Triggers: I have none, but I will respect yours if you do.

**Things I Will Not RP **(IE: NSFW, Torture, Romance, etc.): There is very little that makes me uncomfortable; I have no problems separating writer from the subject matter written and I don’t believe that if you write something, that means you--the author--endorse that topic you’ve written about. That said, I’d like to know your limits so I can work within them to help us create a story we both enjoy writing. I’m not out to make anyone uncomfortable.

RP Strong Points: I’m easy-going, patient, adaptable, and capable of writing stories both episodic slices of life and involved, epic plots. Whatever your preferences, just let me know and I will work with you.

RP Weak Points: I probably write too much and drone on, so if you feel that way about any of my posts, please let me know; I’ll adapt them to make you more comfortable. I can also be really slow with my posts because I want to give you the best I’m capable of creating. I’m not the greatest with fast-paced posts, but I can try to accommodate if that’s what you prefer.

IC Information:

Name: To his father’s side of the family who come from Amagawa Prefecture in northern Othard, he is called Fujiwara Kaito ( 藤原介人 ). To his mother’s side of the family in Ishgard, he is called Caladhel Iarian. Although he typically introduces himself as Professor Iarian, he uses Kaito as his stage name for the band.

Race: Elezen.

FC (If Applicable; Picture Optional): Aoi (of the Gazette).

Can Currently Be Found In: When not on tour with his band, he usually divides his time between Ishgard, Yoshiwara-to, and Kugane.

Would They Be Known: Absolutely. He’s the vocalist for Discordia, a popular band loved all across the Source. In his downtime, he’s also an adjunct professor who teaches in Ishgard during the fall semester and Kugane during the spring semester.

Personality:

Introverted.

Neat freak.

Unforgiving.

Callous.

Caustic.

Cautious.

Patient.

Workaholic.

Domineering.

Vengeful.

Control freak.

Hot-tempered.

With an innate talent for frost magic and a deep, abiding love for his mother’s homeland in Ishgard, it’s no wonder why many people assume Dhel must be a snowman. Those who’ve met him often use words such as “cold,” “aloof,” and “icicle up his ass” to describe him, but he has his reasons for being harsh, biting, and slow to open up to others.

Language(s): He’s fluent in both Eorzean Common and Hingashi, and in his spare time, he studies Meracydian and Gelmorran.

Height: Eight feet. 8′. 244cm. They grow ‘em big where he's from.

Body Type: Dhel boasts plenty of lean, ropy muscle and the athletic build of a man who can outrun a cheetah on cocaine.

Eye Color: A brown so dark they might as well be black. In the sunlight, they sparkle with hints of gold and resemble a tiger’s eye stone.

Hair Color: Blacker than a moonless night. His hair shines with azure highlights in the sun.

Age: 35.

Notable Scars, Marks, etc:

Thick, knotty scars cover his ankles, his heels, and his soles. They appear to be the results of serrated knives.

A long, thin scar runs up the back of his left calf; it’s the result of a tree-climbing accident as a child.

His knuckles bear the marks from a stupid game of “does it hurt?” he used to play with his brothers and other students when he was a kid. The game involves rubbing a pencil eraser over the knuckles until the victim either cries uncle or bleeds.

A thin scar spans the length of his left palm. Made by Bren’s treasured pocket knife, its’ the reminder of a blood pact he made with his brothers as children.

Tattoos/Piercings: This man is covered in tattoos. Left arm:

Family crest on the inside of his forearm. It’s a massive wisteria tree on a hill with the sun rising behind it.

Infinity symbol curling around his wrist. It looks like a musical staff with several notes.

A trio of fox kits chase a red butterfly down the outside of his forearm.

Musical staff around his bicep. The staff contains notation and a few lyrics written in Hingashi.

Right arm:

Azure Ourobros on the outside of his forearm.

Slumping marionette with severed strings on the outside of his bicep.

Fleur de lis on the inside of his wrist.

A Punch ‘n Judy stage with the titular characters on the inside of his bicep.

Words from his favourite poem on the inside of his forearm.

Full body:

From his jawline to his toes, he is covered in runic tattoos that are only visible when he uses magic. They glow a vivid violet during his spellcasting and should you catch a glimpse of them, the runes come from a language thought long dead.

First Appearances: An enormous elf in a three-piece suit with impeccable grooming. If his expression isn’t telling the world he eats lemons for every meal, then it’s probably telling you that you’re wasting his time... and his time is not cheap.

What To Expect: Expect him to be a caustic son of a bitch. Dhel is a paranoid, guarded man and he has no interest in sugarcoating anything. Expect the cold, hard truth as he sees it, expect plenty of snark, and expect him to be difficult to get to know. He’s not the sort of grump just waiting for someone to be nice to him so his ice will thaw--don’t expect him to be a sweet, loving person after only a couple of meetings. But if you do manage to get on his good side and work your way into his inner circle, expect him to move heaven and earth for you.

Where I RP: Tumblr, Discord, and Google Docs mostly. I don’t do much RP in-game.

I’ve been told I am intimidating and people are afraid to approach, but I can assure you I am insanely shy and about as intimidating as fighting a feather pillow. I am quiet and have some trouble keeping a conversation going if I think I’m bothering you or think you aren’t interested, but I’m polite and I won’t bite your head off. So if you want to RP with Dhel or any of his brothers, just send a message. Or drop a starter in the inbox. Either way.

#character information #character stuff #lf contact #triplets #Caladhel #Kaito

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margridarnauds · 5 years

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for the ship headcanon thing, peyronan + whichever you most want to answer!

I have been Summoned by the word “Peyronan”

5. Who says ‘I love you’ first?

Ronan, while they were mid-cuddle and he was on the verge of going to sleep. It takes Lazare, like, several days to croak it out himself because he’s still in utter, absolute shock and trying to recover. If he ever does before You Know What happens, in which case it’s one of Lazare’s biggest regrets. And Ronan dies believing that Lazare, despite everything else, never truly loved him.

14. When one has a cold, what does the other do?

Laz is TERRIFIED that Ronan’s going to die from it, like...he consults his regiment’s physician and everything, trying to figure out the PERFECT cure, he fusses over Ronan day and night, constantly checks his temperature, it’s utterly adorable. To everyone except Ronan (though Ronan isn’t above feigning sleep so that Lazare will press his hand to his forehead longer), who really, really wants to get up and walk around and...no, Laz, I promise I won’t die if I take two steps out of bed. Yes, I’m sure. He gets a chicken soup recipe from his company’s physician and MAKES IT HIMSELF, spoonfeeding it to Ronan.

Ronan has simultaneously never felt so touched or so smothered in his life.

Meanwhile, Lazare firmly believes that he CAN’T get a cold, because obviously, if he could, then he would have gotten one as a child. Completely ignoring that he DID get them as a child, but Grandpapa de Fuck made him do drills through them anyway, even when he really, really shouldn’t have.

Spoiler alert: He can. And he does. About a week later. Then it’s up to Ronan to take care of him, and for all of his complaints about mother-henning, Ronan’s not THAT much better. The regiment’s physician, and the regiment as a whole, have never been so GRATEFUL to see The Colonel’s Peasant Boyfriend in their LIVES, because Lazare is not a particularly easy patient. He can take orders with everything BUT the doctor telling him that he needs to stay in bed and off the job for a few days.

15. When they watch a film what do they choose and why? Who gets the final vote?

Lazare is perfectly happy to watch a science documentary most of the time. Ronan tends to like the crappiest films imaginable so he can poke fun at them (though his taste is bad enough that what is ACTUALLY crappy and what is a Bonafide Ronan Favorite is very, very thin.) Since Lazare is ALSO perfectly fine leveling snark at the worst films imaginable while his boyfriend "discretely” tries to cuddle up to him, they tend to go with that. (It is not discreet. At all. Because it’s Ronan, but Lazare at least PRETENDS to be taken aback when he looks down and sees Ronan there, popcorn in hand. Lazare doesn’t even know HOW Ronan got popcorn, but he did.) GENERALLY, Ronan gets the deciding vote, but if nothing else, they’re both pretty fine with just doing their own things on their laptops/phones.

16. When the zombie apocalypse comes, how do they cope together?

Can neither confirm nor deny that I have a longstanding 1789 Zombies AU in progress that...one day, I REALLY need to do work on, because I had that one well-plotted out and everything and it’s been well over a year now. But, suffice it to say, they actually get a lot closer, because one of the things that’s kind of a staple of zombie stories from The Night of the Living Dead onwards is that societal boundaries just kind of...collapse. Things that are SUPPOSED to be important, like funerals, just...stop being as important, as people rush to defend themselves. So, with Peyronan, a lot of the things that would NORMALLY matter to both of them (homosexuality still being on the books as a crime, their social statuses, the tension between the revolutionaries and the Monarchy)...I’m not going to say they STOP mattering entirely, but they become a lot less important in terms of the larger goal, which becomes survival.

I do think, though, that the casual way that Lazare deals with the zombies really horrifies Ronan at first, as he tends to see it as one more sign that Lazare is A Murderering Murderer who doesn’t have a conscience, but then as time goes on it becomes VERY obvious that Lazare is doing this off of experience. He’s already figured out how the transmission of the virus works via trial and error, he’s figured out that there’s NOT a cure for it, and that the only way to ensure that a zombie isn’t formed is...well...making sure that the body doesn’t survive long enough to become one and then burning it for good measure.

17. When they find a time machine, where do they go?

@lochley and I have a long, longstanding AU with Lore and everything where they...don’t INTENTIONALLY go to the Cretaceous Era, but they end up there anyway. So, yes, Ronan + Laz + Dinos: A winning combination.

In terms of “Things that I could see the two of them actually doing In Canon...” I honestly think it would be hilarious to see the two of them fucking up the age of Louis XIV. Alternatively, Ronan and Laz + the Romans. Because there’s SUCH a huge classical influence at this point in time that I can SEE it.

18. When they fight, how do they make up?

They have some absolutely FURIOUS arguments, usually with one of them storming off (generally Ronan), they have several hours to cool down, possibly cry a little (though if either one of them SEES the other crying, it tends to immediately end then. Because neither one of them can really see that and hold onto the anger,) then they go into Pining Mode, and then one of them will inevitably awkwardly knock on the door and they’ll actually TALK. Neither one of them can fundamentally EVER stay mad at the other for too long.

19. Where do they go on their first date?

Most of the time, I’m going to have to say “The Bastille” for obvious reasons, but in at least one reincarnation AU I’ve considered, they run into each other at college. Ronan’s initially pissed because the prissy law student wasn’t looking at where he was going and bumped into him, then somehow this all led to said prissy law student asking him out to the coffee shop in the library in-between classes as an apology.

20. Where do they go on holiday?

Bold of you to assume that Lazare understands what the word “holiday” is.

21. Where do they get nervous about going with one another?

The Jacobin Club, Versailles...besides that, really anywhere out in public. For obvious reasons. Even if people thought they were FRIENDS, it would be cause for scandal, much less the truth.

In the Modern AU, things have thawed a lot, but Laz still doesn’t really feel comfortable with Ronan’s friends. It’s not even that they actively hate one another, it’s just...they’re RONAN’S friends. And Laz is still a socially awkward parrot in any timeline.

Also, the Chateau de Peyrol. That place REALLY creeps Ronan out. Really, really, REALLY creeps him out, and Laz really doesn’t like going there either. There’s a REASON why Laz tends to stick to Paris for the most part when he can, or else going around the provinces.

22. Where does their first kiss happen?

In terms of Canonverse, I do tend to lean towards the Bastille. It’s the easiest place to assume a relationship upgrade. (And the fact that we do have this.) Not really original, but...well....Les Amants de la Bastille. And it’s not like they have THAT much range as far as locations, anyway. Given the whole “secret relationship” thing.

23. Where is their favourite place to be together?

Underneath a tree somewhere, watching the stars together on a cool night. (Bonus if Lazare *has* to share his coat with Ronan because it suddenly turned chilly.)

25. Why do they fight?

The sad thing in the canon verse is that, while there are probably about two-ish months that you can wiggle in where they weren’t quarreling (From ~May 3, when Ronan “escaped” the Bastille to June 2, when the printing shop was raided and Ronan re-joined the Revolution and then, depending on whether or not we’re going with the Takarazuka/Toho timeline or not, from June 2 to June 20th with the Tennis Court Oath. Which...in that timeline is DOUBLY sad because Lazare would have been fully under the belief that Ronan had given up the Revolution for him. And then...well...canon happened. Ronan Was Ronan), a LOT of their relationship was spent under fire.

Most common topics tend to be their respective loyalties, Lazare’s increasing brutality towards civilians, where the Revolution is taking Ronan, Ronan wanting Lazare to leave the Army in favor of him, etc. (Ronan tends to see the Army + Laz relationship in very simplistic terms: Remove Laz from the army and he has his beloved boyfriend back and whole and safe, without the darkness of the Comte de Peyrol. The problem, obviously, is that it ISN’T that simple. Laz can’t easily remove himself from something that’s been his WHOLE LIFE, just like Ronan can’t easily remove himself from the Revolution.) Sometimes, Ronan doesn’t really understand Laz’s attempts at lessening the tension via buying things, thinking that Laz is trying to buy him off somehow, when...to Laz...that’s really the only MODEL that he has for this kind of thing. Aristocratic men keep their lovers in fancy apartments and buy them things regularly, that’s just...how it goes. But Ronan doesn’t love The Comte de Peyrol, he loves Lazare, and the reminder of how different their experiences are...doesn’t always sit well.

And then there are the usual domestic disputes that boil over quickly.

Personally, I think that had things gone better for them in canon, those disputes, while a FEW of them would have obviously lingered, would have lessened. Laz might have very well left the Army of his own accord post-1789, it would have DEFINITELY been a possibility post-1791, Ronan might have felt less pressure to be a Revolutionary™ in the time between the October Days and the Varennes Flight, he might have been more willing to run away with Laz to someplace far away.

They just had the misfortune of getting into a relationship in a very, very tumultuous time and not having the time to really sort it out. On one hand, they’re having this rush of being in their first real relationship and having all these new, terrifying feelings, but then they aren’t REALLY given the chance to explore them before it’s all snatched away.

26. Why do they need to have a serious chat?

...When do these two NOT need to have a serious chat, for some reason or another? See the above for a laundry list of reasons, which still doesn’t mention the whole “Killed Ronan’s father” thing.

I found this in my R/L folder and had forgotten it was in there.

29. Why do they fall a little bit more in love?

Ronan lives for those little moments where Laz is ever so slightly more HUMAN. Those moments where Laz comes to bed late and pulls him closer as soon as he gets in or nestles his head into his neck, those little half-smiles that he’s pretty sure are reserved almost exclusively for him, the dry jokes that it takes Ronan a few moments to realize ARE jokes because he’s so used to Lazare being perceived as humorless, dinnertime discussions where Ronan tries to see how many awful ways he can flirt with Lazare before he gets The Eyeroll™ (it’s never made it to more than two times), getting to curl up on the couch with him, the little moments where Laz is so CONCENTRATED on something that he doesn’t even notice Ronan (and he does try, like a cat, to see how much he can distract him. He WILL sit on Lazare’s lap when he’s in the middle of harpsichord practice), the forehead kisses that mean so much MORE coming from someone who he knows they don’t come naturally to, the hand kisses that are so reverent that it knocks Ronan off his feet every time that Lazare does it, getting to fall asleep to the steady beat of Lazare’s heartbeat.

That’s his Lazare, and it’s the Lazare that the world can absolutely never know.

And Lazare falls in love with Ronan’s life repeatedly. The tackle hugs, the kisses whenever he gets home, his terrible, terrible attempts at jokes, the moments when they’re fighting where Ronan looks him eye to eye and on one hand Lazare is furious but on the other hand he’s also impressed, his idealism, whenever he turns over and sees Ronan asleep and vulnerable and his heart just clenches at the thought of anything happening to him, the moments where Ronan can SEE that he’s too focused on his job at the moment and pulls him away (and Lazare can admit that, yes, his work was all the better for having a few moments of break), his absolutely garish choices in outfits, the way that he plays with Lazare’s hair when they’re waking up in the morning, how DEFENSIVE he’ll get of Lazare whenever Lazare offhandedly mentions something about his childhood or his later career, the compassion that he shows, albeit in his own odd way, towards the underdogs, even if Lazare believes that it’s ultimately futile. (”Futile” in this case means “...Of course we’ll adopt Stray Dog #10).

30. Why does it work (or not work) between them?

Is this the second time I’ve used this gif today? Yes. Do I care? No.

They have their issues, definitely more than the average couple, but ultimately they’re both stubborn, they’re both DEEPLY devoted to one another, they both act as a push-pull force on one another to keep each other in check (with Lazare’s level-headedness serving as a buffer for Ronan’s impulsiveness and Ronan’s spark and idealism motivating Lazare), both of them ultimately learn a LOT from one another and their perspective, and, even though fighting all the time is obviously not the sign of a happy, well-adjusted couple, they TEND to default to an Old Married Couple dynamic, especially since a lot of their bickering, sans near the end where Lazare goes over several lines, is primarily bourne out of WORRY for one another. Both of them feel like the other’s side is using them, both of them are right, but unfortunately they don’t have the same hindsight when it comes to their OWN side.

And, even though they have SUCH a massive power imbalance between them, especially at the beginning, Lazare is so...shocked, really, by the turn of events and so infatuated for the first time that Ronan really, really does have most of the power there, and he mainly uses it for good, bringing Lazare out of his shell as steadily as he can. And sometimes he overreaches, sometimes he missteps or blunders or doesn’t know the full scope of a situation before he throws himself into it, because he’s RONAN, but ultimately, he does care for Lazare and Lazare still cares for him.

Had things been different and they’d had to part ways post-canon instead of The Thing Happening, I don’t really see them taking anyone else on BECAUSE they’re so really...focused on one another. Like, anyone who Laz would so much as LOOK at (which is impressive in its own right since Laz is...very, very picky. I lean towards him being either demisexual or gray-asexual, but the point is that the boy does NOT normally find people attractive) would have to be compared unfavorably to Ronan, and Ronan is going to compare anyone to Laz, and they’re simply not going to match up, because for better AND worse, the two of them have had such a cataclysmic impact on one another’s lives.

And no matter what, they WILL reconcile at the end of things. It might take them into the afterlife, but they will figure out a way to make things work. It’s there in the French, it’s...not as present in the Zuka, but there’s at least the implication that Ronan is seeking out Laz in the afterlife even if Laz is rejecting that redemption at the moment, and Toho was homophobic and simply gave us Angel Ronan on a Platform. (Okay, not a LITERAL angel, but like. Ghost who’s ascended to a higher plan of existence.) But it’s so IMPORTANT to me that the French begins with Ronan seeking out revenge against Lazare and ends with their wedding reconciliation in the afterlife. Both sides FINALLY find peace.

#otp: he would be troubled if you died on him #peyronan #food tw #1789 les amants de la bastille #i just...i love my sons. so much #they love each other so much #and i have no idea how much of this is coherent given it's an ungodly hour where I'm at but OH WELL #am i ever REALLY coherent when talking 1789?#the answer is no #vierschanzentournee

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