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thegraveyardjohnsongrey · 1 year

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May 2021

May: Convos of the Day

“You gotta be your own Scooter Braun”

This month I learned that I need to be my own manager. Not only do I need to be the dreamer and the planner, but I also have to be the person who gets things done - for me. I need to put myself into advantageous places, and sometimes that means sticking my neck out and putting myself out there.

Yea it’s awkward. Yes it’s stressful. Yes it’s annoying. And yes it’s uncomfortable.

But I need to take those chances. Because even one opportunity sown from a hundred tries- is worth those hundred tries.

To @Manager me, be kind to us. Be fair. And be accountable for us. Understand that you are the part of us that goes beyond our fear and gets it done. Have a healthy relationship with how we do things, and push us enough to challenge us, not go against us. Do everything in love and in good faith.

+ Started Mile-a-day challenge + APABA video & positive feedback

+ Started Jupiter’s Legacy

+ Caden’s 1st Haircut!!!!

+ RKT broken up :/

+ Dan Lalican x Angelica’s Wedding!

+ Saturday Hangout at AC & Q’s house!

+ Memorial Day Sunday at the Calotes’

Major Projects:

Securing LORs

LSAT practice

Early stages of Applications

New life goals:

Healthier technique & sound when I sing

Loving to sweat and to see being active as a friend and something that feeds me back

Less IG/social media to avoid triggers of comparison

Self-care Goals:

More moisturized hair?

gluing down sides?

Spray to make it black?

Songs:

My Head & My Heart

SOUR ALBUM!!!!

Good 4 U x Misery Business

Fast (Motion)

Build-A-Btch

5.1.21

+ Adding “bigger” eyebrows to my face really adds a drama to my face that helps me having more striking features. I effs with it + I’m so proud of myself.

Bc before today I had nothing, and after today I have, like — not *everything but A LOT

and definitely enough to finish by Monday if I really wanted

Wow.

I love work

LOL

Not really - but I LOVE seeing ideas working out perfectly and everything coming to life !!!! ITS EXHILARATING AND SO SATISFYING + Square Game w CAM (and readings hashtag #BlackMagic)

I feel like so many people achieved their professional goals this year. Their “happy endings” that I’m trying to find. But am I lokong for a moment? A day? Where I feel achievement? Is this me trying to show gratitude to my parents?

Carmelle, Cori, Kendall, Dana, Nina (maybe like the latter two, I’m allowed to be proud of where I am and what I’ve accomplished - even if it’s not the complete image I had in my head of where I’d be- or if it’s not to the standard of everyone else)

5.2.21

1.) How you feel matters.

I used to think that

2.) Sometimes Friends hype up plans and don’t follow through.

It’s a sucky thing but it happens. Things come up, and sometimes plans change. It’s safest to not take those excited comments to heart. Lol

Robert -

That I know what it means to help build a community and that I know what to do with the resources I have and how to use that for others.

That I know how to think under pressure and to (mediate) difficult situations

Personal Statement Questions I want to answer

Who I am

How that inspires me be a lawyer

How _____ School will help me do exactly that

Make your arguments air tight!

Convincing myself that I’m not suffering when I am.

“Where in that do you hear about you giving that to God”

+ Surge of excitement/happy-prideful ness chemicals from IG and all the likes and comments coming from it (“is this like.. what it’s like to be famous?” LMAO)

+ Reward: Enjoying my social media and my AAPI Heritage posts after FINISHING THE SLIDESHOW VIDEO FOR APABA !! WOO (praise god I met that deadline and didn’t even realize!) - pats on own back for working hard, wormy smart, and EXECUTING the damn thing. BOBA WITH THE SISTERS TOMORROW TO CELEBRATE !!

5.3.21

+ Caden’s fly swatting

Importance of

feeling a wave of positive change and uplifting ness

Knowing how to work hard and smart- KNOWING when to take a break and to back in my work In bite-size increments

Allowing myself to get lost in my passion - and allowing myself to be PROUD of my work rather than defeated by it

Having pride in what you put forth

+ Serving face in the mirror when I was lying on on my bed. I may have gained a lot of my pre-pandemic weight back, but QORL I’m STILL saving face?????? Looks like that year really helped my develop more permanent angles huh (and pride for my flat nose and almond eyes!!!!)

5.6.21

Kuddos email from Alicia about presentation

Second email while at Gym - Things are possible

Feelings of lightness, like I’m where I need to be; sitting liking outside from an empty gym (Mirror - Porter)

Loving the shape of my nose today (it’s not like huge and irritated? It’s slim? And I’m like ??... never sure how that happens? But I wanna know how I get it like that. For future reference!

Feeling the pump from weights today was nice!! LATE 2020 BODY HERE I COME

also do carrots make you more orange in tint? Idk but I like the color of my skin rn- it’s so vibrant and brown and caramel-Y. And smooth! How I do that!!! Water intake?

5.7.21 Wanting to make good on wave of positive feedback and ask for letter of recommendation **Realization: You have to be your own publicist, manager, agent, therapist, fan. LOL. You literally have to pout yourself in the most advantageous positions, and that means being your own Scooter braun sometimes.

Mornings are for LSAT, Afternoons are for Family/Errands, Evenings for ME

I am very proud of you for cleaning so much and getting everything you wanted to get done today done. You studied, cleaned hella, cooked for yourself, ate a healthy meal, scheduled a chat with Zarra, cleaned your car, purged receipts- etc. I am so so so so offing proud of you. I see you. You are doing amazing

Epiphany: It doesn’t need to workout in the way I wanted; it just needs to work out

5.10.21

AL mad pissing me off

I’m always so frustrated when it comes to her, because mom and dad never taught us to A.) be boastful nor b.) Competitive with each other. But hey, I guess that’s what happens when you’re the middle and have to find a way to “shine”. It’s comforting to know that any of what I say has weight and that I’m not the only one who sees it. Praying for her unresolved insecurities tbh

I shouldn’t need to feel like I have to prove myself to you. In any light, really. Because your thoughts are your own, and your perspective is valid. Just so as long as you are bot rude, destructive, or divisive

But maybe that’s just it: maybe not any one of us HAVE to be the perfect one. There’s three of us that each of us are too at and I think that it is our calling to recognize that, live it, and be proud of jt

5.10.21

BMI is 31% ☹️☹️☹️ (I gained 16 pounds since December!!!!!!! I cry)

5.11.21 - felt overwhelmed by everything LSAT is in a month again, APABA social opportunities — WHATEVER. We can entertain networking and social opportunities AFTER June LSAT and the WHOLE year after we have finished submitting applications Focus on the projects you have already been assigned to and focus on mentorship with Zarra.

I can not be waiting on things and people that might not happen

5.11.21

“Kamille we’re at Armature”

Iconic pics, Kyle, and my booty !!!!!! #MangoSangria #MonicaMakesMeLaugh

It was so nice to be surrounded in laughter and good spirits again. To have like a “mini” night out. Granted, it was a little weird, since this wasn’t my crowd of close friends. But. Still nice!

It also freaks me out that all the “babies” from 2018 are al grown up and graduated - Raul, Jacob, Nica, etc. like girl..... HUH?????? (I am shook)

Monica is so effing funny. I forgot

5.12.21

These days, I’ve been wondering if/when I’ll ever get into law school. A part of me wonders if the past 3 years was just another script to go by - to prove and show to others that I was “working on something”. And when I look back on my progress, idk why I feel ashamed and aspiration-less and then other times I swallow up with pride.

Half of me wants to give myself unconditional love and support - and to endlessly believe that I’m- actually good (and destined) for law school.

Then the other half of me wants to stop pretending. It wonders why - if it was meant for me and part of my calling - why does it feel so impossible all the time? Am I fighting for a dream or am I bullying myself into an image of myself that I insist on having.

I’ve always enjoyed who I am around people and how they view me.

Been wondering if I’m bipolar. I’ve always felt everything so intensely - and I feel like I’ve always been prone to leaning into the positive more so than the negative.

Culture: It is a commitment to sharing traditions, remembering history, and embodying resilience.

5.13.21

Appreciating my face and my bod for what it is and re-learning to be body positive. Aka loving when I swear and not beating myself up for not measuring up the bar that I used to reach from before

Just like the world outside me, my body is allowed to have seasons. To change to grow to gain, to lose. I’m allowed to do it all

LMAO AT OUR RANDOM BURST OF CREYING in the car on the way to get soy sauce from the Philippine Grocery. “Hard Habit to Break” — hearing dads voice so clearly and it making me emotional that one day I’ll hear that and he won’t be there and LOL IDK WHY I RANDOMLY STARTED CRYIG LMAO IT WAS SO WEIRD

I did good today. I did a lot of things. I studied. I worked out. I grocery shopped for the house. I cleaned for the house. I prepped food. I picked up dinner for the Vus. I had quality time with them. I did good today. I deserve rest. I deserve reflection.

5.16.21

I don’t want to attach myself to those things, because if I do that, I’m afraid I’ll always be mourning myself. And I don’t want to expend that energy. Ya know, energy is not what I have all the time anymore. And that’s a part of growing up

If what I’m experiencing now is the beginning of how it’s going to be and one of many, I don’t want to always be here.

I want to welcome those parts of me that are coming in and all the good that is to come from me evolving and changing and growing.

I should be proud that I get to even have this. When many people don’t have that past/foundation to begin with, But that I get to do it again

Question for you right now

What can I do now to minimize those feelings of anxiety and shame?

Question for the future:

Do I ever get over these feelings of growing pain?

Is the life I’m building and in 5 years from now something I’m proud of adding to my existing catalogue of passionate and exciting work?

Something tells me to watch out for 2038

“To choose something opposite of what nature tells you is the being of love”

5.17.21 “No one thinks that of you. No one is attacking you no one is giving you bad energy. Stop feeding those illusions in your head, come outside of them and work and live and be alive.”

+ It’s so funny how I’m already daydreaming about what October///Fall 2021 is going to look like. Specifically after September when all the hell of these next few months are going to be over.

Sometimes I get scared thinking about what my application will look like. How defeated and hopeless I may feel. I’m scared it’s going to be like Sept 2020 all over again. And it’s in my head that Sept/October is just a cursed time for me all around (ever since 2019. Haha)

But at the same time, I can’t help but feel a small gust of optimism thinking about then. Knowing that Ill be done and knowing that I will have given it my all- even if it isn’t 100% of the image I had in mind for my first round of law school applications.

A small part of me hopes that I’ll be proud of myself for coming that far, and that whether I’ll be able to see it or not- that good things are inevitably coming my way.

I can’t wait to go to Khoimanda’s wedding and turn tf up!!!, I can’t wait for our potential family trip to Seattle, and for Fall/Halloween festivities to return. I can’t wait to hopefully see my lineage out and/or at a rave (ok, maybe not EDC? But def spring 2022! Lmao), I can’t wait to work on my body again, I can’t wait have more CAM hangouts and Quality FTs with friends I love by then, and overall I can’t wait feel as free as I did in between Feb LSAT and April NALA.

I think it’s so weird that I’m looking forward to Fall when summer has barely begun. But it’s all good. Summer 2021 is when ow tap thisbmuthafuqqa of an application UP. And submit that sht.

2022 we comin for you baybee

sometimes I feel bummed that no one (besides my family) got to see my “quarantine” bod/weight loss. But .. I guess the more I think about it, the more I realize that maybe that was something for me to enjoy.

+ “If I crave only the sensation of being in a relationship without having someone to fit the bill. Well then….. I want joy and excitement. I want the sensation of happiness more than I want a person. And I guess thats where the wrong foot was placed. “I bore my soul to you and you wanted no part of it. Thats enough to convince me.” —— a delightful thought I had while listening to jazz coffee shop music on YouTube. A reminder to myself to stay creative, stay hopeful, and to stick to what gives back to me.

5.18.21

"It's okay if it's only for a short time."

+ Feeding Ducks with Josh & Denni. I’m so happy that we’re all in each other’s lives again and that ... there’s a sense of bonding and connection again. Feels like a girl group that has since reconciled LOL #EthnicCleansingDucks #BananaAtDuck #YayForThemReteachingMeHowToRideABike #MealOnWheel #OliviaRodrigoWhatALegend

“I just felt so disconnected from myself and what I knew myself to be. And in turn that made me feel disconnected from those around me. Like... how could I relate and catchup and support my friend if I couldn’t even do that for myself. I didn’t feel like having that conversation of “ya know I’m not ok. I’m not the happiest, I do feel displaced. I wasn’t ready to share and fig into those feelings with someone else, largely bc I hadn’t even fully unpacked it myself”

+ If you ever want to feel better, put on some eyebrows and some chapstick. And drink your water. It’ll make you feel like a functional and presentable person again”

“I just feel like my life is changing as I know it.”

Things are always changing and time is always passing. The more you mimize your focus into that the more you’ll go mad. Stop fighting it - and dance along with it.

5.21.21

“God meets you where you meet yourself”

“Is that what you think that’s all i want you to be? Not g?”

“I will always be g. Unless you look like I ain’t looking at you”

5.22.21

+ Caden’s 1st Haircut he’s so cute and so smart and so kind and so cuddly! UGH

+ Laughs with Ate Lee in the car (Idk how to make a fire)

+ Invited to Dan Lalican’s wedding (I know, random right? Lmao)

+ It’s so weird to think that one day I will look back on this time - law school application stress, LSAT, taking care of Caden, being jobless —- as something of the past. That instead of being the “now” and the present moment, it will one day be another “past era” in my life that I’ll be able to look back on. I realize that so much more these days. Like whenever I hear “Rain on Me” or the “positions album”. the more I hear music from Summer or Fall 2020. That. Despite all the hardships and sadness and feelings of loss I felt from so many things in that time- there was still a life I lived and still so much good I had.

It’s always so weird to me how you can’t fully reflect on a time period until it’s passed. Until it’s gone. And so idk why that always makes me feel bittersweet. It freaks me out and makes me sentimental all at the same time and often I never really know how to process it. Lol

I wonder if there will ever be a time when I’m better at processing how fast time changes and how flexible life can be.

But I guess maybe that should make me feel excited? That the more things change, the more things will remain fresh and exciting.

Idk.

I just hope that in 5 years I’ll be able to look back on this time with a big swollen heart; filled with gratitude and excitement.

We hope LOL

5.23.21

People make decisions based on their experiences of you. And if their experience of you is that you’re late and you make last minute decisions, then you shouldn’t be mad at that.

“I’ve always been my most confident self when I talk about the Lord

the power of speaking to someone so rooted in the Lord

Snapped me out of my funk. The realization that: in it praying

I’m where I’m meant to be - and that as long as I’m doing it with the Lord it’s good

“You sound like you’ve really grown and are at peace with that. That’s beautiful.”

5.24.21

+ My dump truck fattie booty while sitting on the bench at the gym #BlueNikeShorts #WhiteWoodlandsBoxers

+ My sexy as progress and how toned and tan and good my body looks; we making it baybeee!

+ Felt incredibly confident 10/10 physical appearance wise (clear smooth skin, no terrible flare ups and looked so effing toned today)

+ Feel antsy about LSAT and future

+ Looking forward to wedding fun this Friday but also getting nervous at how Much I have to make room for it and prep during this week - WHICH takes away study time 😭

5.25.21

Time passes. And you’ll have lots to reminisce on (luckily). But it doesn’t mean you have to be sad. SMF throwbacks and talking w Reena. — You’re allowed to be as joyful and excited and full of humor and light, no matter how slow things are going on. You don’t have to guilt yourself into feeling a certain way. Time passes. And you are allowed to dance and to Move freely along with it.

What a gift it is to see things progress as they are meant to. What a gift it is to remember unique seasons and to embrace every fruit that those times gave us. What a gift it is to experience change.

Sometimes these days I have a hard time embracing what’s supposed to be “permanent”. And I guess... it’s weird. It feels like time passes so slowly and so fast at the same time. And I feel like hitting everything down because I always want to be able to remember every moment, ever sensation, and every feeling. Even if it’ll pass. And these days i I guess I just didn’t expect things would change so drastically.. but I guess that gives me hope. I guess if I take a quick glimpse at all of my favorite things - if I look at X-Men comics, Britney Spears albums, I guess things have to change. And the beauty of every single change came with the fact that every change made way forward something new. Something fresh, unfamiliar, and exciting, Not change, but progress. And I want to remember that progress is where new treasures are found. Progress brings valleys, it brings highs and lows, and it brings the unforeseeable. But I guess that’s what makes an interesting Song. And I guess - if you compare the open dessert with the Gand Canyon, you’d be far more amazed and enchanted by the Canyon. In all its varying heights and inconsistencies and unique/fine details. From a grander point of view , I guess that’s what makes something beautiful. Not necessity details of repetition and predictability. But in the larger picture of a grand image.

You are allowed to feel old anxieties and old pain. Don’t let your pride be the one to repress your feelings and make you feel small and go unheard. Sit with your insecurities. Allow them to tell you your fears. Finally, learn to walk with them, allowing them to leave as they please.

Inspired by my feelings of not wanting to force myself to go along with a certain feeling I’ve had from before, I removed Kyle, Tammi, and Randy from my IG close friends. I don’t know why it feels like such a big deal (when these friends don’t hold a necessarily CLOSE CLOSEE place. Idk. I guess I just want to stop justifying certain things that I do when I feel that it doesn’t give back to me).

5.26.21

My face looks so much better with facial hair. Like my features really POP and look symmetrical when my hair is grown out

+ Talking to loads of friends today on FT - Josh, Reena, Calvin, etc

Made the realization that ... I’ve had the tendency of withdrawing from friends and catching up with them in this pandemic era. Not only bc I don’t have money LOL, but bc Im never excited to talk about myself when we inevitably catch up. I hate telling the same story I’ve been telling since 2018, and I especially don’t want to confront the issue that .. I’ve been happier. That I’m not my best, and that I’m not the most hopeful rn. And that the place that I’m in is one of being tired all the time, being afraid all the time, feeling like I’m not measuring up or doing anything right. And feeling left to wonder if all my most memorable moments are behind me.

And so whenever Im going through periods like that I tend to withdraw bc I don’t want to lie and pretend that everything is good. I guess that so much of my identity is being a happy and energetic version of me, so much of what I’m known for (and feel valued for) is being that. And so when it comes to being anything BUT that, it makes me take a step back. And..... I don’t want to be sad Judsy, I don’t want to be helpless, hopeless, and God-less Judsy. I don’t know how to be that person with my friends. I don’t know that person.

And... I mean I guess technically I know that person. I know that person very well, in the comfort of my own journals and in my own secure thoughts of reflection. but I don’t know how to be that person in the presence of others. And so I guess that’s something I’m working on and building off of. Recognizing that it’s ok not to be this bright & bubbly caricature all the time. And that my real friends value who I am when I’m not funny.

Appreciate Josh, Calvin, Reena, and all my friends who remind me what it feels like to feel seen and to be wanted. and that it’s ok to laugh Life off and keep going..

5.31.21

could care less about katey and kyles engagement (lol oops)

Caden’s sweet demeanor and how he looks concerned and presses his tiny face against ours whenever we pretend to faint :’) LOL

Seeing Devera again and remembering how genuinely funny and a joy it is to laugh with him

Raffy and PDP

Seeing Caden w Liana

Kinda bummed that G didn’t text us when rolling :’/ LMFAOO oh wellz. Humble reality checks I suppose. (Maybe we really not should be relying on certain people or circumstances to fulfill us. Rather, to allow life to change and bend and to allow whatever THAT looks like to fulfill you? And to trust in that.

Siana’s Legacy:

Artists using the “90s Dance” trend after acclaimed 2019 album “Uncharted”

“Honeymoon Fades” Era Singles

“Honeymoon Fades” (released November 6, 2020)

“Baby” (video December 11, 2020)

My Head & My Heart (released February 20, 2021)

“Not Siana giving us 2018 and 2019 vibes from all these haircuts”

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