#or i see it based on like... a perception of general ADHD Vibes

[prettyboysdontlookatexplosions]

idk if this is still the case but when i was really In It in animorphs feelings a couple years ago because i was unemployed for the first time in my adult life / temporarily living alone in the last house my family lived in / freaking out about climate change / generally Going Through It, and like poking around the animorphs scene on tumblr, there was this notion commonly expressed that rachel and tobias were "toxic," the major piece of evidence for which was the scene in 33 where she "tries to trap him in human morph." which like first of all i'm SOOOOOO SORRRY that the fucking fifteen-year-olds secretly fighting a guerrilla war in which their greatest threat is the mind-controlling slugs they're trying to save humanity from but their second greatest threat is the diminishing hourglass of their collective sanity as they all have to work steadily harder and more desperately to not just completely lose their shit entirely from all the violence and literal 24/7 constant threat and murder that is happening, like i'm sorry two literal children who have managed in this ongoing horror show to forge a bond of loyalty and affection and care and attraction and understanding that can act as a kind of solace neither of them have any other way to access, sorry those actual murder babies sometimes have some communication problems. lmao. but also it's insane to me that people read that scene (in which they're dancing to, i'm not making this up, iris by the goo goo dolls - i mean they don't tell us the song but it's a slow goo goo dolls number that even tobias knows, so - they're dancing to iris by the goo goo dolls at a school dance that is not going well because they are both awkward about the newfound public Officialness of their relationship and rachel who is the only one of them who has ever been capable of socializing like a normal person is in a particularly bad mood because of the emotional hangover of her starfish adventure [great concept executed terribly in the previous book], and then like after two entire minutes of letting himself feel some nice emotions tobias spots the clock and starts leaving to go demorph and then rachel runs after to him to awkwardly attempt to share that she is very fucked up about how insane she has become and she wants to hold on to things like school dances and also this is all happening in a hallway by a student poster on red tailed hawks that states their lifespan of a handful of years in the wild, it's so good) as rachel trying to trap tobias in morph, when like, first of all, "good thing happening -> time to punish myself for feeling nice for 5 whole seconds " is like THEE tobias thought pattern because he's the number one kidlit trauma baby of all time, like truly the first time i dove back into the series i was struck by how well his narrative voice captures Child Of Insane Family Dysfunctionality, he is NOT a reliable narrator on this, but also second, and more saliently, like, believing this scene is rachel attempting to trap tobias in morph requires that you believe rachel, all by herself, made a plan in advance and then attempted to execute it, which is a skill we literally never see her demonstrate even one fucking time outside of the comfortingly familiar hunting ground of the mall

#animorphs #i have a hard visceral aversion to personally adopting ADHD headcanons in general #(you do you idc about people's headcanons but like #this is one that reliably does not do it for me [person with ADHD] and which also often makes me feel weird for vague reasons #but again like this is not an Argument or a Criticism have your fun it's simply not for me) #BUT. someone once said they headcanon rachel as ADHD. #and that is... the ONLY time i have ever read that and been like 'oh wow no okay yeah that tracks' #which honestly thinking on it now i feel like sort of helps me articulate why i'm usually like 'her?' #bc i feel like i tend to see it as like 'this would be cute/relatable/fun to project on to' (you do you not for me) #or i see it based on like... a perception of general ADHD Vibes #which like. on the one hand i get. there can be Vibes. there's a reason the set of people i Enjoy A Lot has ADHD overrepresented on it. #but personally i am like. but where are the scenes of them ruining their own life for reasons attributable to ADHD traits #i don't personally get anything out of lumping people into a DSM category with me if they are not also constantly ruining their own lives #like i can just relate to them because we have similar Vibes. that's plenty. #but rachel................. #the scenes of rachel constantly ruining her own life because of her inability to think for 5 seconds before speaking or acting ever. like. #that's in every book rachel ever has #she literally has a line at one point like 'i don't know why i say these things. they just pop out of my stupid mouth.' girl same... #anyway. speaking of ADHD. i have GOT to stop letting myself 'just check tumblr a little bit' while i'm waiting for the adderall to hit

[alexsfictionaddiction]

Review: Summer Reading by Jenn McKinlay

Books, romance and beachy vibes -of course, I wanted this for my summer TBR. I've not read a Jenn McKinlay book before but I had heard that she writes cosy mysteries set in libraries. Although I knew this one didn't feature a mystery, I was still really looking forward to the light fluff that this novel promised.

Recently laid off from her chef's job, Sam is back on Martha's Vineyard where she grew up. Her task for the summer is to watch her 14-year-old half brother while their father and his wife take a long holiday. But Sam's brother Tyler is taking part in a robotics summer scheme at the local library. That's where Sam bumps into Bennett, the handsome interim library director, who she happened to have a rather awkward first encounter with on the boat on her way over. Bennett seems to have his own reasons for spending the summer on the island but can Sam give him another one?

I really didn't like Sam at all. From the very first chapter, she came across as ignorant, self-absorbed and honestly, really quite rude. I know there are probably readers who this wouldn't be a problem for because they pick up romance books for the spice or the chemistry but it was a sticking point for me. It's unfortunate that I did really like Bennett because had I disliked them both, I may have enjoyed it more as I wouldn't have been shouting at him to wake up and see how irritating she was!

The thing is, Sam's entire personality was based around her dyslexia. You couldn't possibly have missed the fact that she was dyslexic. In fact, it has shaped her entire life and everyone who she has ever been in a relationship with has been severely disgusted by the fact that she struggles to read and has left her because of it. But she does have a very high IQ, so let it be known that she is very much not like other girls. No, she is incredibly smart even though she can't read. I sigh heavily.

Oh but she does actually like books! It's just that everyone in her past has treated dyslexia like it's rabies and now she can't bear to even try picking up a book. I really hated how dismissive she was of reading in general and greatly admired Bennett, a librarian and therefore professional bookworm, being patient with her because I certainly never had any.

One thing I did like was the exploration of what dyslexia is, besides finding it hard to read. Sam is also disorganised, neurotic and anxious. The similarities between dyslexia and ADHD were really apparent and I'm not sure I've read a book with either of these represented that has so clearly illustrated how alike they are. I just hated how Sam was a complete victim of her dyslexia. There is no part of this book where she decides that despite her disability, she is going to give herself a reading challenge. She did absolutely nothing to help herself and getting Bennett to read to her really doesn't count as that.

Also, she likes rom-coms but that's embarrassing apparently and she never 'admits' that to anyone. So, yeah there's that.

Summer Reading was sadly full of cringey moments and highly jarring, unrealistic perceptions of dyslexia. There is no way that a woman in her late 20s can have lost multiple partners due to dyslexia. I understand that she may have suffered some bullying throughout her school career but adults do not leave other adults because of that -they simply don't! I also wasn't completely sold on the romance because I just couldn't ever see them together as real people. I did find it an easy read though and I guess that is (kinda) what I wanted!

#summer reading #jenn mckinlay #rom-com #romance #book review #review #books #bookworm

[flying-elliska]

Headcanons for ADHD characters Masterlist

I was asked for this a while ago and I feel this is a good discussion subject because the canon representation for ADHD is kind of abysmal and is often a caricature or a joke.

usual disclaimer, I'm not a therapist, this is not a diagnosis tool, just for fun, etc etc...basing this on my own experience/knowledge with ADHD and meeting a lot of ADHD people IRL. I'm going off the main symptoms first (inattention and/or hyperactivity, restlessness, impulsivity, problems with emotional/focus regulation, daydreaming, messiness, hyper-focus, fidgeting etc) and then looking at character traits that are not a necessary symptom but often associated (substance abuse and addiction, need to please, sensitivity to rejection, compassionate and creative, thrill seeking, very imaginative, charming and witty or withdrawn and shy or angry and irritable, whimsical and fun and a bit child-like, out of the box thinker, self esteem issues, unstable life, comorbidity with anxiety and depression, very intense feelings, functions better with adrenaline/in an emergency, disregard for rules and problems with authority OR extreme compliance, codependency, perceived as weird, clever in an atypical way, problems in school, extremely good at one specific thing, etc)

Also I found this list with actual canonical representation

BOOKS :

The 'fits to a T so I'm seeing it as my personal canon' list :

note : doesn't mean that the authors actually meant to create representation but it's very likely they at least got inspired by people who did have ADHD (even when the diagnosis itself did not exist) and explained it with 'it's just their personality' OR the story happens in a setting where the label doesn't exist as such. also not meant to be exhaustive.

- Helen Burns (from Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë) One of Jane's school friends from the start of the novel, fits the inattentive type to a T : she can't seem to focus or learn her lessons, is constantly daydreaming, describes herself as messy and careless, forgets rules, and is easily distracted. She talks constantly about her own 'defective nature' and seems very sensitive to criticism but incapable of changing. She doesn't defend herself against the nuns' harsh punishments as she thinks she deserves them. She's presented as kind-hearted and compassionate, almost too good for this world, and hyperfocuses on her faith. Apparently sb even wrote an academic article on this. She dies so it's not super fun representation but it is interesting to see in an older book, to push back against the idea that ADHD was invented yesterday by Big Pharma lol.

- Grantaire (from Les Miserables, Victor Hugo) Part of the student revolutionary group Les Amis de l'ABC and resident skeptic, does not believe in the cause but is fixated on the group's idealistic leader (and yeah it sounds very gay, they die holding hands, there is a lot of Symbolism). He spends his time ranting about things that are only vaguely connected, is described as brilliant but incapable of sticking to any one profession or hobby, is an alcoholic, has a creative streak (was a painter at some point), likes wandering around the city, has massive self-esteem issues and is a general mess but does seem to care about his friends. This is not a very flattering portrayal as Grantaire is described as morally deficient but again, interesting in an old book. ADHD!Grantaire is a popular take in the modern fandom (i was in it before I was diagnosed it brought up a lot of Things) and it's very cathartic to see him get actual therapy in fic lmao.

- Luna Lovegood (from the Harry Potter series) JKR sucks but this is probably the most high profile case of a possible inattentive ADHD character so I didn't want to leave it out. She's a daydreamer, she is a big space cadet and seems to live in her own world, she has a very out of the ordinary sense of style, she's bullied for being weird, but she's also very kind and perceptive and cares a lot about her friends, and good at coming up with out of the box solutions. I wouldn't call it good representation, she's described as a wacko whom a lot of characters find cringeworthy but she's also pretty heroic, so. And she does seem to hyperfocus on magical creatures. Plus her father could also have it (and it runs in families).

- Jasper Fahey (from Six of Crows duology, Leigh Bardugo) Part of a young group of thieves with a heart of gold, he's a charmer and a compulsive gambler who quits college and incurs debts so massive he stops talking to his father out of shame. He's also an extremely talented sharpshooter and the scenes where he describes how the whole world slows and the rush of adrenaline when he is shooting sound like hyperfocus to a T. He's a loyal friend but also quite dependent on Kaz, the leader of the group, to keep him in line. He's witty, messy and he likes danger. His boyfriend later in the series, Wylan, is dyslexic and the way they learn to accommodate each other's issues honestly makes them one of my favorite couples ever. I need to reread these books and I am so stoked for the series I hope they do Jasper justice.

- Julian Diaz (from Cemetary Boys, Aiden Thomas) Love interest of the book, introduced as the 'high school resident bad boy', energetic motormouth who can't sit still and actually very endearing, has issues in school and gets bored easily, main problem is that he's a ghost...sort of. The whole thing was very cute and I love that Julian's personality is described as fun and attractive instead of annoying (which is, if you haven't noticed already, a pattern).

- Evie O'Neill (from the Diviners series, Libba Bray) She's a flapper in 1920s New York who ran away from her boring little town to make a life for herself ; she's a party girl and an impulsive thrill-seeker who hates standing still and is always looking for excitement to 'fill the void'. She craves fame and attention and pretty things, she can be a loyal friend but is also frequently self-centered and forgetful, she's street smart, resourceful and very charming and witty. She's also grieving, drinks too much and is definitely depressed. She's obviously meant as an archetype of the era, caught between trauma and excess, but it does come over as very hyperactive ADHD as well. Her powers to read objects also really pinged me as a good metaphor for the ADHD tendency to be overwhelmed by details.

The 'bit more of a reach but there's a vibe' list :

- Emma Woodhouse (from Emma, Jane Austen) Frequently cited as a character with ADHD, I didn't come up with this one but she fits. She's daydreaming, easily bored, has flights of fancy and hyper-focuses on matchmaking, is a bit impulsive and thrill seeking, clever in an unconventional way, described as a bit immature, mix of caring and self-centered.

- Ronan Lynch (from the Raven Cycle, Maggie Stiefvater) Ronan just has Neuroatypical Vibes, even though it's not entirely clear what, and I've seen people label him all sorts of things which is very valid. As for ADHD, he's restless, impulsive, likes to Go Fast and do street racing, he has very strong emotions he doesn't know what to do with, and big self esteem issues esp. at the start, is very all or nothing with people, snarky, drops out of school to be a magic farmer, problems with authority, looks like a scary mean goth but is actually a big softie (but like, with a few people), pulls shit out of his dreams. Is kind of dependent on his best friend at the start too.

- Sherlock Holmes (from the eponymous series by Arthur Conan Doyle) Again a character who has been diagnosed with all sorts of things. The biggest ADHD vibe for me is 'my mind rebels at stagnation' and the way he needs drugs to function outside of the thrill of a case, and the way he hyper-focuses on information he needs to be a detective while completely ignoring common knowledge. Also sort of dependent on his best friend Watson and isn't great at social interactions. Doesn't care much about upholding social conventions either. The RDJ adaptation is the one that has the most ADHD vibes to me.

- Harley Quinn (DC Comics/Movies) Big codependency issues (that's arguably the thing she's most known for) and sadly people with ADHD are often prone to getting into abusive relationships. It depends on the story too but she's very energetic, zany, impulsive, she likes shiny things and bright clothes, she's fun and chaotic and likes to break the rules, she's a criminal but she does seem to have a heart, she's also frequently immature and rash, etc.

What are your headcanons ? I would love to hear if you have some so I can add them to the list. I'll make a TV/Movies list soon.

#adhd #actually adhd #adhd representation #neurodiversity #media representation

[dancedance-resolution]

please do not reblog, this is just a personal little note

i’m really happy with how therapy went today

it was my fourth session with my new therapist. i think i like her a lot.

conversations with my new therapist feel a lot more natural than with the old one.

with her, i don’t feel the same sort of pressure that i did with my last therapist. my last therapist gave me extremely rigidly professional vibes. and this new therapist is still appropriately professional of course, but she’s also more casual. she always opens every session with a funny anecdote about her kids, and then sort of uses that as a segue to get me to share something similar, and then based on what i share, she asks a lot of questions that lead us to dive deeper.

conversely, my old therapist always followed a strict script. she first asked me to rate my mood on a scale of 1 to 10 (which i hated doing, because i never knew what my mood actually was other than “vaguely in the middle i suspect question mark”) (thank you alexythemia, lol). then she always asked “is there anything you want to talk about today.” and i would always shake my head no, because the question is too broad to know how to respond. and that’s something my mom and i actually worked on together - starting around age 17, before each session, we’d written down stuff i should mention. but i was rarely able to say the stuff i had prepared, because i couldn’t get myself to say the words (autism symptom maybe? idk). it’s a lot easier for me to talk when i have a narrow, specific question to answer, and if the other person has been talking for a bit before they expect me to talk. and my new therapist does both of these things

and i like that this new therapist is a bit similar to me. she’s fat. she doesn’t wear make up. she was raised catholic. oh, and she has visible tattoos - which i don’t have, but my point here is that she’s not the stereotypical picture of Health Professional. and she knows a lot more about adhd than my old therapist did, and she knows slightly more about autism than my old therapist did (which was Absolutely Nothing, lol).

also, i think that this change in therapists was necessary. i was with my old therapist for 5 years. i started seeing her when i was 14. she had a very specific perception of me based on how i was when she first met me at 14 - a perception which tainted the way she responded to my current problems. and that wasn’t a good thing for me, because my outlook on life and self-understanding have changed a lot since i was 14, in ways that i never was able to articulate to her properly. plus, i was always anxious to reveal anything new to her. like i was afraid she’d get upset if one day i was like, “hey bestie, i know i’ve been seeing you for 5 years already, but i’m just now going to bring up the fact that i’ve had issues with compulsively lying to my father since age 7 uwu.” (i know it’s irrational to fear “failing therapy”, but also, it’s not as irrational as it sounds. because when i was 18, my mom revealed to the therapist that i’ve always been the type of person to cry at the tip of a hat, and my therapist seemed kind of taken aback and frustrated that i never told that to her. and yeah, it is understandable that that would frustrate her, but it unintentionally made me feel really guilty and bad.)

also, this therapist definitely treats me like an adult more than the other one did. i think maybe my old therapist was still stuck on seeing me as that initial terrified 14-year-old. whereas this therapist gives me a lot more agency and has more trust in me to know myself and my needs. our sessions do follow somewhat of a routine, but it’s a routine we worked out together over the course of the first 3 sessions when she was trying to figure out how to make things comfortable for me. (example - at the first session, she asked me what i want out of therapy, and i said, “i don’t know.” she took me at my word, and she didn’t shame me for it. and i think that that experience sorta taught her that she needs to be more specific when asking me questions.)

i also like she’s very open with me about her perception of me. like, today, i told her about how i started crying when a staff member from my community college called me to confirm that i’d cancelled my classes for this summer semester. and my therapist expressed some surprise that i cried because [paraphrasing] “you always seem very put together and articulate during our sessions. sometimes i’m able to hear anxiety in your tone of voice about certain topics, but for the most part, you always seem very emotionally grounded during our sessions.” and her honesty gave us an opportunity to talk about masking. (also, i appreciate knowing that she can hear anxiety in my voice, because i had no idea that was a thing?? like i know you can hear when someone’s voice gets high-pitched and breaks like they’re gonna cry, but i‘ve never done that during one of our sessions? lol, so i guess this is a little fun fact i’ve learned about neurotypicals, that they can detect anxiety in ppl’s voices even if they’re not obviously on the brink of tears lol.)

a few specific things that happened at today’s session that were good:

when i talked about my sleep issues, she actually brought the conversation in a direction i hadn’t expected - she started asking if i’m putting too much pressure on myself regarding productivity. my initial answer was no - i unenrolled from my summer classes. i don’t have a part time job. i don’t have any traditional responsibilities. but upon discussing it, we kinda figured out that i am putting a lot of pressure on myself to enjoy the summer, because i have this sort of doomsday mindset of This Is My Last Summer Break Before I Have To Work Full-Time So I Must Take Advantage Of Every Moment To Enjoy Myself. and that’s unreasonable - it’s a pandemic, i’m recovering from bad burn out, and i’m trying to adjust to new meds. she actually said a lot of things about bodily consent and stuff that i’d already read in the book laziness does not exist, so it was sort of like affirmation and emphasis that those concepts are good, valid, and applicable to me.

she gave me some reassurance regarding my summer schedule. my alarm goes off at 6:20 every weekday morning so i can attend mass. (i’m an atheist, but the structure is very good for me.) but i’ve had some concerns that maybe waking up so early is unhealthy and also contributing to my sleep issues (i unintentionally wake up around 4 almost every morning, and i started to wonder if maybe that’s because my internal clock is anticipating waking up at 6:20). we discussed the pros and cons of waking up for mass in the morning, and she gave me her opinion that this schedule is probably good for me (she agreed with my pro/con assessment). and she also pointed out that i woke up at 6 every morning throughout high school without as much sleep issues, so it’s more likely that the sleep issues are from anxiety. (and i’m going on anxiety meds starting in early july, so we’re hopeful that that will help that a bit.) so yeah, i feel better about my mass schedule, and i feel reassurance that this is a reasonable and good plan. she also said that she was very proud that i had not only the idea to use morning mass as a source of structure but also the discipline to go every morning despite the early hour and despite the fact that i have no external force forcing me to go 🥺 which was nice to hear, because over years of having undiagnosed adhd, i received a lot of messaging that i lack self-discipline, so i was glad to hear the validation that she thinks i’m a disciplined person (at least regarding mass, lol)

we talked about my summer goals, and we talked about possible sources of non-stressful accountability. the current flexible plan is that i’ll keep track of everything i accomplish from that goal list and then share it with her at the end of each session so we can workshop what went well, why it went well, what i’m struggling with, and how i could maybe work through those things better.

i still feel very anxious about this whole therapy thing (i’m still very scared that i’m doing it wrong and not saying the right things), but i felt especially good after today’s session. like, i’ve been in therapy for 5 years. i felt like i plateaued in progress a while ago, so i’m really happy that i managed to get something out of today’s session!!!!! that hasn’t happened in so so long (low key if ever…..).

also. IM PROUD OF MYSELF for sharing stuff with her, correcting her when she misinterpreted one thing i said, and having a positive attitude about how today went 😎. and i’m proud of myself for fending off feelings of guilt that i spent so long typing this out (it’s not wasted time, because it’s helping me process what happened today), and i’m proud that i’m in a place where i’m open to going on anxiety meds.

my life is still a mess. i had a fun little breakdown not even an hour before the therapy session, in fact! but i’ve made some significant progress over these few months - i started meds, i switched therapists, and i started (and am sticking to) a new daily routine. and i had the courage to prioritize my health and cancel my summer semester classes, which was a really hard decision for me! oh, and i also finally published that smutty crucible fic that’s been in my wip folder for over a year!

my mental health is still extremely poor, lol. in fact, one could argue that i’ve regressed in many ways. but guess what bitch!! i don’t have skooter ankle ideation, and also, generally? IM MAKING PROGRESS. that’s what counts. i’m very happy about that, and i’m very proud of myself for that.

#personal #long post #very long post